Jokes of the day

2926 - 2950

Newest

Mon, Feb 03, 2014

#2926

Late Night From 02/25

Conan O'Brien
"The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona's chances of hosting the Tony Awards."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show. Lauer said, 'Thanks for getting up early to be with us.' Then Ford said, 'I never went to bed.'"

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi."

"Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"At the White House today President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had a private meeting in the Oval Office. They met for about an hour. It turns out the last five years have been a big misunderstanding. They actually agree on everything. I'm glad they cleared that up."

"Obama and Boehner talked about manufacturing, immigration, healthcare, Afghanistan, and the drought in California, among other things. An aide to speaker Boehner said they met because they believe it's important to work together on issues where they find common ground. Unfortunately, there were no issues on which they found common ground."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant."

Tue, Feb 04, 2014

#2927

Late Night From 02/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he's not there.

Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they've found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.

Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I’m not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall.

With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there's talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: "Two Kraines.”

Conan O'Brien
The Oscars are coming up. Or as they're officially called: "Hoarders, the Meryl Streep Edition."

A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently he's talking about a Target store I have never been to.

In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.

The Late Show with David Letterman
One of the Knicks players, Raymond Felton, was arrested for carrying a concealed gun. That makes him the first openly stupid player on the Knicks.

The cops had to arrest Felton because the only person on the Knicks allowed to shoot is Carmelo Anthony.

Are you excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday night? I love the Academy Awards because, as they say, the Academy Awards are an early predictor of the Academy Awards.

Well, you don't need to worry about public enemy No. 1 anymore. Authorities have apprehended El Chapo Guzman. He was hustled away in a pre-dawn raid. That's how NBC got rid of me.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In a new interview, the Dalai Lama says watching TV is a waste of time. And I'm like, "What? How dare you, Mr. Lama!" What does the Dalai Lama care about wasting time? He's eternally reborn. He's got all the time in the world.

What we should do is make more shows that appeal to the Dalai Lama. How about shows like "Two and a Half Monks," "The Big Buddha Theory" and "CSI: Tibet"? Or what about "Parks and Reincarnation"?

A married couple in California were walking through their backyard and they found a treasure trove of rare gold coins. It's the biggest discovery of valuable coins since Stedman cleaned out Oprah's couch.

Imagine finding gold in your own backyard. Right now there's a leprechaun saying, "What happened to me pot o' gold?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her.

President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he'll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.

A man in South Carolina tried to pay for his lunch with a counterfeit trillion dollar bill. Unfortunately, he came up short because he was having lunch at Whole Foods.

A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

Wed, Feb 05, 2014

#2928

Late Night From 02/27
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new study says going vegetarian is the best way to lower high blood pressure. Pretty much every study says vegetarians live longer. But that's just because meat eaters’ lives get shortened from being harassed by angry vegetarians.

Vegetarians aren't the only people finicky about staying healthy and being thin. They have a name for them — single people. Once you're married, it doesn't matter. "I do . . . want fries."

Hardcore vegans even avoid honey because a very small number of bees are accidentally killed in its production. You know what beekeepers call these incidents? Honey boo-boos.

I saw at the supermarket something called "vegan burgers." Really? It's an oxymoron — unless they're burgers made from vegans. Taste the smug superiority!

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Big news out of NASA yesterday — the Kepler space telescope has discovered 715 new planets. Either that or somebody sneezed on the lens.

If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place.

This planet discovery is terrible news for all the school kids who just finished making models of the solar system. For them, it's back to work.

This Sunday is the 86th and final Academy Awards. This is the last year they're doing it. They decided there are enough Oscar winners already and they don't want to dilute it for those who have them.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Researchers uncovered the world's oldest cheese, which dates back to 1600 B.C. The researchers found the cheese in the center of a Hot Pocket.

A Florida man tattooed a spider on his face in an attempt to overcome his arachnophobia, which is a fear of spiders. The tattoo should also help him overcome his fear of employment.

A car company has revealed plans to launch a hybrid car that runs on air. You will know when the tank gets to empty when the car screams, "I can't breathe!"

An auction house in Los Angeles put several autographed copies of "Mein Kampf" up for bid earlier today, starting at $20,000. Be careful, Mel Gibson, it's a trap.

Thu, Feb 06, 2014

#2929

Late Night From 02/27
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, "Top bunk!"

This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God's work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, “Whoa, there. Look, I'm flattered. But Obamacare, that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess. ”

It’s rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie “Gravity.” "That's great!” said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year.

I heard that celebrity chef Paula Deen is opening a new restaurant. The restaurant's called, “Paula Deen's Kitchen.” You know, because “White Castle” was taken.

Conan O'Brien
The very first Academy Awards ceremony lasted 15 minutes. And thanks to the fast-forward button on my DVR, so will this year's.

Workers in the special effects industry are unhappy about seeing their jobs go overseas, so they'll be protesting at the Oscars. Only five will be at the protest, but with CGI special effects, it will look like hundreds.

Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that's great — finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say "I have my own clothing line."

In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza.

The Late Show with David Letterman
How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesn't sound like the Russians I know.

So you have Yanukovych who is disgraced and out of power. Next? "Dancing With the Stars."

They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it's not hate. It's more of a dry hate.

Fri, Feb 07, 2014

#2930

Late Night From 02/28

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Sunday is the Academy Awards. It’s that special time of year when celebrities get all done up and dress their best so they can be judged by people at home wearing sweatpants.

The new film “Son of God” came out today, and it follows the life of Jesus. Some critics are saying that the actor who plays Jesus in the movie is too good looking. While the real Jesus said, “What the heck’s THAT supposed to mean?”

This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, “Do not open trunk.”

Boeing, the airplane manufacturer, is working on a new smartphone that will self-destruct if it's tampered with. While Apple has a smartphone that will self-destruct if you spill water on it, drop it, tap it too hard, forget to update it, or just kind of look at it the wrong way.

The Late Show with David Letterman
They've discontinued Moviefone. If you folks are sad, press 1. If you couldn't care less, press 2.

The Moviefone guy is looking for a new job. He's going to be looking at 2:15, 5:00, 7:45, and 10:30.

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Hollywood has promised that all the hotels will be ready on time, and they've rounded up all the stray dogs. So they're ready to go.

Dame Judi Dench is nominated for best dame.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Oscars are on Sunday. They are kind of like the Westminster Dog Show, except with more blow dryers.

Some people call the Oscars "the gay Super Bowl." I don't think that's fair. I think it's balanced. This year Ellen DeGeneres is hosting. Bette Midler is performing. There will be a tribute to "The Wizard of Oz." OK, I take it back. Even the Tony Awards are saying, "This is a pretty gay awards show."

This year's Oscars are being held a week later than usual. That was so they don't have to go up against the Winter Olympics. Good move on the Academy's part. Never make viewers choose between seeing a bunch of A-list movie stars and the curling semi-finals.

Did you like the women's curling last week in the Olympics? That is only time you'll see a woman sweep these days.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison.

On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.

On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky."

"Bill O'Reilly said that Michelle Obama needs to come on 'The Factor' to tell black girls to stop having sex and stop getting pregnant. Because if there's one way to reach young black girls, it's to go on Bill O'Reilly show."

Weekend Update - SNL
"President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "

"North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "

Sat, Feb 08, 2014

#2931

Late Night From 03/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, “Jelan Fejalla.”

Travolta accidentally called Idina Menzel “Adele Dazeem.” And I guess that wasn’t the only flub. Leonardo DiCaprio says Jennifer Lawrence flubbed his name when she presented the best actor award and pronounced it “Matthew McConaughey.”

The film "20 Feet From Stardom" won Best Documentary, and while she was on stage to accept the award, Darlene Love started singing. John Travolta said, “Wow, she's almost as good as Adele Dazeem!”

A new survey has found that almost half of dog owners admit to spending more money on their dogs than on their significant others. I tried to ask my wife if that's true, but she and our dog were out to dinner.

Conan O'Brien
I'm Conan O'Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, Kevin O. Zeme.

In his acceptance speech, Matthew McConaughey said his hero is always himself 10 years from now, so by the time last night's Oscars finished, he was his own hero.

Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn't show it. And I'm going to guess they're not going to show the Tony Awards either.

Last night was the fourth time Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for an Oscar and the fourth time he has lost. Being Leonardo DiCaprio must be a living hell. I don't know how he goes on.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I'm not in the dead actors montage.

All day long people have been coming up to me saying, "Oh, Bruce Dern, better luck next time."

The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea.

President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, "Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit." Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I would like to thank you and the Academy and my agent.

The Oscars are finally over. At least I think they're over.

I stopped watching when they made the joke about Liza Minnelli. I will not stand for that. Liza Minnelli is my spirit animal.

From what I hear, the stars really let loose at the after-parties. There are rumors in Hollywood right now that Angelina Jolie ate a carb.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I've been waiting for this night my whole life.

I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don't think I've had this many questions since the series finale of "Lost."

When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I'll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?

Last night the Academy Awards telecast was more than three hours long. They actually had to do a second “In Memoriam” montage because quite a few actors passed away during the broadcast.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, “Soon nobody will.”

Despite being on the other side of the country, Justin Bieber reposted photos of his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez at the Vanity Fair Oscar party with the caption “most elegant princess in the world.” Then he immediately tweeted, “Sorry, that was supposed to be a selfie.”

According to Twitter statistics, the most tweeted-about star during last night’s Academy Awards was Jennifer Lawrence. And the star most tweeted about by John Travolta was Jerfinnel Lordson.

Sun, Feb 09, 2014

#2932

Late Night From 03/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a “thug,” and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, “My friend here will take care of you.”

Microsoft is coming out with a digital assistant for its smartphone — similar to Apple's Siri — called "Cortana." Well, her name was supposed to be "Cathy," but they let John Travolta make the announcement.

Hey, tomorrow is the start of Lent, the time before Easter when Catholics give up their favorite things for 40 days. Or more accurately, lie about their favorite things so they don't actually have to give up their favorite things.

Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

Conan O'Brien
The New York Times has apologized for a spelling error they made 161 years ago. They spelled “Larry King” with one "r".

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he's filming a new "Terminator" movie next month. In this one the Terminator travels 10 years into the future and meets Matthew McConaughey's hero.

RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to the Ed Sullivan Theater, now under Russian control.

Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that's good enough for me.

You know what happened on this date nine years ago today? Martha Stewart escaped from prison.

Martha Stewart was in prison because they caught her egging a neighbor's mansion.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tonight is Mardi Gras, the biggest celebration in New Orleans. Thousands of visitors descend upon New Orleans to drink themselves stupid and behave badly. So it's just like every other weekend.

Mardi Gras is French for Fat Tuesday. People stuff themselves right before Lent, when Catholics traditionally fast. Every religion has a holiday where people fast to prove their devotion. Catholics have Lent. And here in L.A., we have Oscar season.

Catholics all over the world celebrate Mardi Gras. There's a big festival in Rome. Italians take to the streets, shouting, waving their arms. Then Mardi Gras starts.

Even the Pope gets involved in Mardi Gras. He's really the most interesting Pope in the world. "I don't always throw beads off my balcony. But when I do, it's at Mardi Gras."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I'm not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?

It's hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn't change colors.

It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. This is the night when women traditionally penalize their fathers for not paying enough attention to them by exposing themselves to strangers in exchange for beads.

A puff of glittery smoke billowed up from the chimney of the Vatican this morning to announce a new cast on "Dancing With the Stars." Usually you have to tear through old issues of magazines at the dentist office to figure out who they are.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The New York Times has issued a correction to a 161-year-old article which misspelled the name of the main character from "12 Years a Slave." The Times blamed the mistake on the newspaper’s editor at the time: Thaddeus P. Travolta.

A group of French and Russian researchers have discovered and replicated a 30,000-year-old virus found in the permafrost in Siberia. This, according to the first 10 minutes of a Nicolas Cage movie.

Today is National Grammar Day. So no matter whom you are, or where you’re at, it’s literally party time, y’all.

A 10-year-old in Ohio has been suspended after pretending his finger was a gun and aiming it at another student. Just wait until school officials find out he was in possession of nine other guns.

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert "The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror."

Mon, Feb 10, 2014

#2933

Late Night From 03/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He's referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, “A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I've never had either of those things.”

Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient — and to make grandparents better tippers.

Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, “Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?”

Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks.

Conan O'Brien
Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.

Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, "Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them."

Russia is denying that they censored Jared Leto's Oscar acceptance speech. Russia said they would never disrespect such a pretty girl.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?

Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us.

This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork.

Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, "Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today the Los Angeles City Council banned e-cigarettes. How do the people who smoke e-cigarettes feel about that? They feel steamed.

If you don't know what an e-cigarette is, get with with the program, grandpa.

They say e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes, but that's not a high bar. Saying that e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you're younger than Larry King.

Saying your e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you're tougher than Justin Bieber. It is like saying you're more affectionate than a cat. It's like saying you're more trustworthy than Congress.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The very funny Ricky Gervais is with us. A grown man named Ricky, I don't know about that. Adult men should have adult names.

We were almost obliterated by a giant asteroid today. According to NASA, a 100-foot-wide asteroid came within 216,000 miles of earth. The asteroid actually got closer to the earth than the moon. Then the moon got all jealous and went through the earth's text messages.

The asteroid seems far away but it's actually closer than John Travolta got to pronouncing Idina Menzel's name right.

Whenever an asteroid passes by earth, I like to curl my body up in a funny pose for archaeologists to dig up 10,000 years from now.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, “Is the Pope Catholic?” they’re actually asking.

Morgan Freeman told the Huffington Post that if he met an alien, he would ask, “Is there a God in your society?” Then he added, “And if so, could I play him?”

Steven Spielberg is rumored to be directing a “West Side Story” remake. Except the Spielberg version will feature actual sharks versus actual jets.

Tue, Feb 11, 2014

#2934

Late Night From 03/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again — CNN.

The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you're the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft.

Staples is closing more than 200 stores, as part of a plan to save $500 million. Staples says the closings are due to low sales, cutbacks, and the fact they're selling things people just steal from their office anyway.

A new survey found that the average American child watches 24 hours of TV every week. In fact, experts say it's important for parents to lay down the law and tell their kids to get outside and look at their phones.

Conan O'Brien
Today is the second day of the 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent. You know what I'm giving up this year? The 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent.

There's a new app that will help you find the nearest bathroom. It's called the Starbucks app.

The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, "After two years, I don't give a damn."

The Late Show with David Letterman
John Kerry, secretary of state, is visiting Ukraine and today he met with Adele Dazeem.

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator.

One of the worse days in high school was taking the SATs because that determined your future. Low SAT scores can haunt you for the rest of your life. It happened to me. That's why I didn't get "The Tonight Show."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya.

Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech.

There is no point to doing a monologue. Everybody is doing monologues these days. The late-night guys come out and do monologues. That's what they do. We're just like any other show — just a middle-aged white guy in a suit telling jokes from cue cards.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Girl Scouts are being criticized for their Barbie participation patch, the first patch with a corporate sponsor. The girls earn the Barbie patch by lying still for days at a time under the couch.

The theme park Legoland in Britain had to shut down yesterday due to a bomb threat. Although, if there was ever a place that’s easy to rebuild . . .

The New York Times is reporting that the monocle is on the rise as a new fashion accessory worn by hipsters. So remember, when you punch them, go for the other eye.

Wed, Feb 12, 2014

#2935

Late Night From 03/10

Weekend Update - SNL
"Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. 'Oh come on!' said a kid with an upcoming Geography test." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history.” Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry." –Cecily Strong

'While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul criticized NSA privacy violations asking, 'Will we be like lemmings, rushing to the comfort of Big Brother’s crushing embrace?' Or will we be like Rand Paul, not quite understanding what lemmings do?'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Thu, Feb 13, 2014

#2936

Late Night From 03/10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The big movie this weekend was “300: Rise of an Empire” which came in No. 1 at the box office, making $45 million. It's about a ruthless leader trying to expand his territory through any means possible. Or as Vladimir Putin calls it, "The feel good movie of year!"

California is considering a new bill that would ban Sea World's killer whale shows for humane reasons. They say that killer whales are far too intelligent to perform for people's entertainment. Then I was like, "What does that say about me?" This is inhumane what's happening right now with me.

Of course it was last night’s big finale of “True Detective” on HBO. And get this — so many people were trying to watch it, they actually crashed HBO’s streaming website, HBO Go. Yeah, the site just stopped working. Then out of habit, President Obama issued an apology.

And finally, this weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, ten years of astronaut training — it all adds up.

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday was Daylight Saving Time, when we lose an hour for no apparent reason. By the way, losing an hour for no apparent reason is also the motto for this show.

President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered.

While working on the L.A. subway, construction workers discovered fossils from the Ice Age. The fossils belong to the last creature to ever use the Los Angeles subway.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The mayor of Toronto, crack-smoking Rob Ford sent out a tweet about Daylight Saving Time reminding people to turn their clocks back. In fact, you're supposed to turn your clocks forward. And then he tweeted back and he said, "Well, who cares what I'm talking about. I'm on crack!"

Russian President Vladimir Putin claims that Russia did not invade the Crimean Peninsula. Then what are those tanks — part of a traffic study?

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un won re-election with 100% of the vote. They say that when the absentee ballots are counted the percentage could go even higher.

No one has ever won North Korea without winning Ohio. He humiliated his opponent Mitt Jong Romney.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's not such a great day for a family in Florida recovering after eating steak laced with LSD. About halfway through dinner they realized there was a problem when someone asked for a side of mashed potatoes, and that someone was the steak.

I don't think LSD works though if you get it warm. It doesn't work. You have to keep it in the fridge. But I've said too much.

Kim Jong Un was re-elected today in North Korea. He got 100% of the vote. His slogan was, "Vote for me or you'll be eaten by rabid dogs." It's awkward because that was going to be Hillary's slogan.

We just had the finale of "The Bachelor." It was a doozy. It was a fight for love between two very different women, a blonde and a blonde.

I admit I don't watch "The Bachelor." If I wanted to see a bunch of floozies kiss up to a guy they don't really care for, and aren't interested in, I'd go to the Playboy mansion.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Barbie, the world's most famous doll turned 55 on Sunday. And if you ask me that’s a little too old to be waking up naked on the stairs every morning. Get your life together, Barbie.

A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft passed by Saturn’s largest moon for the 100th time last week. Said Mrs. Cassini, “Can we please just stop and ask for directions?”

A Duke University student who recently revealed that she’s doing porn told Piers Morgan that she came up with her stage name by combining the names of Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" and Amanda Knox. Which might explain the title of her first film, “Be Our Guest… At This Italian Stabbing Murder.”

Fri, Feb 14, 2014

#2937

Late Night From 03/11
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A family in Oregon called 911 after they were trapped in a bedroom by their cat. I'll say it again. They were trapped in their bedroom by their cat. Apparently the cat held the family hostage until its demands were met. Its demands were food and sleep.

The cat was apprehended and received a sentence of four to nine lives.

In Denver this week they're hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I don't think anyone's going, really.

A marijuana job fair? Is TV watching a job?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This is our second of five nights broadcasting from Austin, Texas. But the truth is we're not here to do a show. The real reason we came here is because this is an intervention. You have a drinking problem, Austin. You need to stop.

A real Texas legend, the great Jimmie Vaughan, is sitting in with our band. We can never have enough Jimmys on the show.

Our non-musical guests tonight are actress Rosario Dawson and Texas Governor Rick Perry. I hear some booing. I hope you're not booing Rosario Dawson because that would be weird.

The mission statement here is "Keep Austin weird." Back home in L.A. we don't have to worry about keeping it weird. That's what Gary Busey is there for.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show “Between 2 Ferns.” The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show — Obamacare.

A scientist and a chef teamed up to test whether or not lobsters can feel pain. Apparently, the hardest part is getting a lobster to sit still long enough to watch "The Notebook."

To celebrate Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, “Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.”

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert "No one has signed up for #Obamacare, give or take 4.2 million people."

Sat, Feb 15, 2014

#2938

Late Night From 03/11
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, “But not right away. I'm still using Obama's Netflix password to watch 'House of Cards'.”

Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night “talkathon” on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, "a first date."

London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play “Hamlet” in North Korea. Of course, “Hamlet” is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, "Where do they come up with this stuff?"

NASA just announced that it recently discovered more than 3,000 new stars. NASA scientists say they were able to discover the stars through the careful process of turning the telescope to the left.

Conan O'Brien
The country of New Zealand is voting on whether to change their flag. Apparently New Zealand's current flag is a sign that says, “No, no, you're thinking about Australia. We're not Australia.”

A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business.

A clothing company is going to release a $99 wedding dress. The $99 wedding dress is the perfect way to tell your man, "I do, I guess."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Everybody's in a good mood because of the day outside. It's 55 but not that cool. You know, like Kenny G.

They arrested some guys here in New York City for selling counterfeit ChapStick. I was part of the scam. I bought some. I knew immediately it was counterfeit because the lid didn't come off in my pocket.

In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, "That's crazy." Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks.

President Obama's wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term.

Sun, Feb 16, 2014

#2939

Late Night From 03/12
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Internet turns 25 today. Whatever you do, don't send it an e-card. Even the World Wide Web hates e-cards.

The Internet revolutionized man's ability to sell useless crap.

The Web has changed our lives. In the old days you actually had to go to the mall and watch old people fall down escalators in person.

A lot of the information is wrong on the Web. For example, on the IMDB website it says I'm 51 years old — which is ridiculous!

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We're here from Austin, Texas. I stand before you half man, half brisket.

You know you've been in Austin too long when you start randomly finding rib bones in your pockets, which I did tonight.

I can't button my suit. I can't fit in my clothes anymore because of this place.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for “no.” There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for “yes,” and one for “murder my family.”

It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven’t been this excited since the invention of khakis.

The World Wide Web turned 25 years old today. And everyone who still calls it the World Wide Web turned 50.

The world’s longest-serving ice cream man is retiring after 50 years. He plans to spend the rest of his life trying to get that song out of his head.

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert "Our president has gotten so desperate that he appeared on this website Funny or Die. By the way, 'funny or die' is also the ultimatum you got from Obamacare’s death panels."

"Now this show Obama went on, Between Two Ferns, went viral, which was all part of Obama's sinister plan, spread a virus and watch everyone scramble for signing up for health care."

Mon, Feb 17, 2014

#2940

Late Night From 03/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap.

It’s been very tense between Russia and us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country.

A family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. They would've climbed out the window but their hamster was blocking the way.

Keith Richards just announced that he is working on a new children’s book. It’s called “Oh, the Places You’ll Wake Up.”

Conan O'Brien
In Toronto an 18-year-old girl is running against Rob Ford in that city's mayoral election. Her campaign slogan is "Vote for me. I'm not a crack addict."

In Florida, the town of Hampton has been found to be so corrupt the state may dissolve it, basically ending the town's existence. Which of course begs the question: How bad of a town do you have to be to be an embarrassment to Florida?

Archeologists just discovered a leather belt believed to be 4,000 years old. So now we know why Larry king wears suspenders.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise.

Sylvester Stallone is on the program tonight. I haven't seen Sylvester Stallone since we fought in "Rocky V."

They have now made Stallone's "Rocky" into a Broadway musical. It's getting such great early notice that they're already working on another one. I think the second one is "Rambo Get Your Gun."

Tue, Feb 18, 2014

#2941

Late Night From 03/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, “This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!” And then someone said, “We have a layover — this is LaGuardia Airport.”

Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn’t have an option for voting against the plan — it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, “iTunes user agreement.”

A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone.

Best Buy will start selling solar panels in an effort to promote energy conservation. Best Buy says you can find the panels right next to the 300 flat-screen TVs they leave on all day.

 

The Late Show with David Letterman

Pope Francis is the hip Pope. He is celebrating his first anniversary of being Pope. He refers to Lent as "March Madness." That is how wacky he gets.

Yesterday Washington had a big power outage. And I thought: Well, wait a minute, I think the Obama administration has been without power the entire second term.

It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face.

As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
What a fantastic ovation from the studio audience. You guys have clearly never been here before.

A new study says Americans spent a record $56 billion on their pets last year. That may sound like a lot but think about what you get in return. You get the unconditional love of dogs, the exotic beauty of a tropical fish, and whatever a cat gives you — disdain, I guess.

Every year reality TV gets more extreme. Back in the old days, married couples on shows slept in separate beds. But "The Brady Bunch" were hooking up with each other in real life. They should have called it "All in the Family.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This is our fourth of five nights broadcasting from Austin, Texas, during the South by Southwest festival. I had to get a bigger shirt because my shirts don't fit anymore. In Texas, pork is considered a condiment.

We'll get a visit from Lady Gaga. She didn't bring the meat dress or the giant egg. She didn't want to be turned into a giant breakfast taco.

I haven't seen this many hipsters in one place since I took a home pickling class at an artesian cheese shop.

People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge people to park in spots that they have no ownership of. Here's a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If you find a parking space during the festival, it's a scam.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers “Please pray for me.” I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, “so hung over.”

A man is claiming that he was badly injured after falling off a gigantic tongue slide used on the stage for Miley Cyrus’ tour. He’s now suing the company that built the slide for "twerkman’s comp."

Researchers have discovered the first Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil inside the Arctic Circle. The T. Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.

Wed, Feb 19, 2014

#2942

Late Night From 03/14
Part 1

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino.

A model is suing Playboy after something went wrong with a stunt where someone hit a golf ball off her butt. Even worse, it was a photo shoot for an article about feminism.

A man in Pakistan broke a world record after he smashed 155 walnuts with his head in under a minute. This talent earned him the nickname “the idiot.”

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plan went down because it was emboldened by Obama's weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia."

"The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him."

"Jon McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend."

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?"

"Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." ... Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop."

Thu, Feb 20, 2014

#2943

Late Night From 03/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, “Invading Ukraine.”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!

Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like . . .

This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still “unacceptably high.” Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The average American citizen — you hear the statistic all the time — works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that.

I had to switch accountants because for years on this guy's advice I was sending my money to the Caymans. Sounds good, right? Well, I just found out a month ago that it's Phil and Arlene Cayman.

First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband.

Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, "Gee, I wish this show had some highlights."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Albert Einstein wrote a manuscript that was lost for 83 years. Larry King found it in an old pair of jeans.

The newly found manuscript revealed Einstein didn't believe in the big bang theory, which says the universe is constantly expanding. He theorized a steady state that keeps constant by adding elementary particles. I have no idea what I'm talk about.

That's why Einstein was a genius and I'm a creepy man who tells jokes in the middle of the night.

The most famous scientist today is Bill Nye, the Science Guy. I think all scientists should have rhyming names, like "Double Trouble Edward Hubble," "Full Throttle Aristotle," and "Sure Winner B.F. Skinner."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We've been broadcasting from Austin all week, and I'm sad to say this is our last night here. I would cry but my tear ducts are clogged with queso right now.

We head home and then on Monday I'm going on "The Biggest Loser" to work some of this weight off. You know it's a good trip when you have to request a seat belt extender for your flight back.

Austinites are some of the kindest, most welcoming people unless your name is Rick Perry, in which case they will boo you until you go away. I also learned that pickles are served with ribs so you feel like you've eaten something green. I learned that if you follow a man with a beard he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence.

Willie Nelson is here with us tonight. Willie is America's second-oldest stoner, right behind Betty White.

Fri, Feb 21, 2014

#2944

Late Night From 03/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Thanks to all the fans who wished me a happy holiday, thank you to the people who visited New York to celebrate, and most of all, thank you for leaving your TV on NBC before you passed out.

St. Patrick’s Day is a huge deal here in New York City. Two million people turned out today for the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It’s the one parade where the horses are the ones that have to watch where they step.

A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.

Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, "Yeah, right."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I had a big weekend and my throat is very scratchy. I sound the way Irish people are going to sound tomorrow.

Some American cities go all out for St. Patrick's Day. In Chicago they dye the river green. In Boston everyone wears green. In Colorado, they smoke the green. Then someone tells them it's St. Patrick's Day.

Some people say St. Patrick's Day contributes to national stereotypes. Well, I don't want to do that. Take it from me, not everyone in Ireland gets falling-down drunk every day. You're thinking of Australia.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There was a small earthquake here this morning. Scariest thing about an earthquake is that when it starts you have no idea how intense it's going to get or how long it's going to last. It's like when your mother tells you a story.

We had some earthquake damage at my house. Two bottles of lotion fell over and we had to wait two hours for the maid to get there to put them back.

Here's a little-known fact. The Richter scale measures the number of local news anchors who dive under their desks.

Yet another video surfaced that showed what appeared to be a drunken Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. When he promised to stop drinking, obviously that didn't include St. Patrick's Day. Or Mardi Gras or Father's Day or Cinco de Mayo.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is St. Patrick’s Day, when we commemorate the time St. Patrick drove all the alcoholics out of New Jersey and into Manhattan.

On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie.

A professor at Virginia Tech claims he can turn woodchips into food. However, still no luck with kale.

Sat, Feb 22, 2014

#2945

Late Night From 03/18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's “always right.” Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote “No.”

The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration's recent push. They said, “And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.”

This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in “Reince Priebus."

Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That's in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie "Noah." That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?

Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's "Holy Ghost Busters." "Dude, Where's My Cardinal?" "Sistine Candles." "Amen in Black." "Live and Let Diocese." "A Pew Good Men." And "How to Train Your Deacon."

The movie "Noah" is an adaptation from the Bible, of course. For some of you young people, the Bible is like a long papery tweet from God.

In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Transportation officials released a study that shows that over the last 10 years the percentage of Californians who drive has dropped 12 percent, while the percentage who walk, bike, or take public transit has doubled to 22 percent. So get ready for a bunch of Schwinn-by shootings, I guess.

If I see a guy on a bike in L.A., I immediately assume he got a DUI and they took his car away.

Whenever I see somebody walking in L.A., unless they're wearing yoga pants I assume they're in trouble.

The only time I walk in L.A. is when I forgot where I parked.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone.

Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, “Reince Priebus” sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare.

Sun, Feb 23, 2014

#2946

Late Night From 03/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win.

The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada.

It seems like everybody’s weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift.

Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Madison, Wisconsin, is playing host to the "World Championship Cheese Contest." It's the biggest cheese competition in the world. It's like Cheese-a-Palooza.

I don't know how you can judge cheese. It's subjective. I think this year's judge is from Norway. He couldn't tell a wheel of brie from a wheel of a tricycle. Take that, Norwegian cheese aficionados!

Some people say you shouldn't eat too much cheese. These people are called "doctors."

I like that you can eat cheese even if it is moldy. You can't do that with other foods. In your face, nuts!

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The NCAA tournament tips off tomorrow. As is now the tradition, President Obama revealed his bracket picks today. He has Florida, Arizona, Louisville, and Michigan State in the final four with Michigan State beating Louisville to win it. I'd take his picks with a grain of salt. He also picked Louis Anderson to win on the reality show "Splash."

This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show — "Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo."

There was a major scientific finding this weekend out of Harvard. The physicists there believe they've proven the big bang theory. Those of you who aren't familiar with the intricacies of the big bang theory, it's a scientific theory based on a CBS TV show, I think.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga.

North Dakota is rolling out a new recruiting campaign hoping to fill more than 20,000 open jobs in the state. The only catch is, when they ask where you see yourself in five years, you have to say North Dakota.

Two New York men have been charged with insider trading after authorities caught them exchanging secret messages on cocktail napkins and eating them to hide the evidence. The men came up with the plan after they both got sick from eating their Blackberries.

Singer John Mayer is suing Charlie Sheen’s best friend after the man sold him $5 million worth of fake Rolexes. If you can’t trust someone who introduces himself as “Charlie Sheen’s Best Friend” then who can you trust?

Mon, Feb 24, 2014

#2947

Late Night From 03/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, “OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let’s do it!”

A new iPhone app lets people in large cities reserve parking spots in advance. The way it works is you reserve the parking spot, and then other drivers don’t care.

This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, "Almost told you so."

Starbucks is coming out with a new tea inspired by Oprah Winfrey. In a related story, they're also coming out with a cup holder inspired by Stedman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Oprah Winfrey sold her old studio, Harpo Studios. They say it's haunted. On a cold, moonless night, you can hear ghostly whispers of cars being given away.

Apparently Oprah sold her studio because she's decided to get rid of things she doesn't use anymore. Next up, Stedman.

Every now and again when I do this show, I wait for an adult to come along and fix it. It's not going to happen.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A lot of time is wasted on office pools for the college basketball tournament. A global company said 50 million Americans participate in March Madness and companies stand to lose $1.2 billion every hour because of it. If that's true, we need to get rid of it. President Obama shouldn't be filling out brackets.

Apparently pizza sales are way up during the NCAA tournament. I didn't think pizza sales could go up. I thought we were eating at our pizza peak right now.

Productivity is down, and pizza sales are up. If that isn't 50 years of America in a nutshell, I don't know what is.

Sweden and France have developed technology that allows cars to detect the emotions of their drivers. The system uses an infrared camera to determine if you're upset. The car will beep and flash a warning light, telling you to calm down. Nothing soothes an angry driver like a loud beeping sound and warning light.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is the first day of spring. And just in time, because yesterday was the 400th day of winter.

Kobe Bryant told ESPN that he thinks President Obama could make the Lakers roster this year. I don’t know about that. He’s a good shooter but he can’t seem to pass anything.

This morning Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tackled a journalist on his way into City Hall. The craziest part of that story is that Rob Ford is still going to City Hall.

Tue, Feb 25, 2014

#2948

Late Night From 03/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In March Madness, there have been several major upsets. Yesterday No. 12 seed Harvard beat No. 5 seed Cincinnati. Harvard students haven't been this excited since the last time they told someone they go to Harvard.

Harvard had a good game plan. When they committed a foul, their dad called the ref and got them out of it.

Last week the basketball coach at the University of Delaware mistakenly ignored a phone call from Joe Biden wishing him good luck because he didn’t recognize Biden’s number. Then Obama said, “Well there goes MY excuse.”

There’s a new study out that says an ingredient in tequila can help protect against diabetes. So finally, a shot that people with diabetes can enjoy.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
March Madness has begun. And by March Madness I am, of course, referring to people wearing shorts when it’s 55 degrees.

Google announced last night that it will launch a new security feature to make it harder for situations like the NSA spying program to happen in the future. Then they went back to driving around and taking pictures of the street you live on.

Pole dancing’s first-ever award show, the Pole World News Awards, premieres in Los Angeles tonight. It’s intended to be an annual contest to determine who is the world’s worst father.

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report 'news' even though they have zero information, although, it never stopped Fox News."

"Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness."

Wed, Feb 26, 2014

#2949

Late Night From 03/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia — and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool.

That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.

Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger.

Conan O'Brien
While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.

Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can speak and think as a person. The computer is known as "Mark Zuckerberg."

In Michigan, a funk band has made money off an album of complete silence. You hear that, Nickelback? It can be done.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Let's talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it's like? It's like President Obama's approval rating.

In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner.

President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful.

When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day if you love magic and illusion because it's Harry Houdini's birthday. He was born on this day in 1874. Or was he?

There's a difference between an illusionist and a magician. The word "magician" is from the Greek word "Mageaia," meaning "One who wears a top hat and cape, and looks a bit like a gay vampire."

An illusionist is one who shows you something that defies the laws of nature, thus creating anxiety. It is something that creates a weird feeling in your stomach, like Bruce Jenner.

Harry Houdini was an illusionist. But he was also the president of the Society of American Magicians. He was a popular president. For a while, anyway — until he passed HoudiniCare.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to “see the future,” and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn’t have run for president in 2012.

In an interview with “Meet the Press,” former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter.

Three elephants escaped from a circus in suburban St. Louis on Saturday, and before they were captured they damaged two vehicles, injuring over 50 clowns.

Thu, Feb 27, 2014

#2950

Late Night From 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, “All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.”

There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It's a pretty big loss — you know, for my monologue.

“Divergent” was the No. 1 movie at the box office over the weekend, taking in $56 million. It takes place in a bleak futuristic world in which no one's ever read or seen “The Hunger Games.”

Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

Conan O'Brien
Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special "Judge Judy."

There are some accusations that Silicon Valley discriminates against people because of their age. Elderly groups are so furious about this that they plan to send Silicon Valley an angry fax.

There's a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It's called Match.com.

The Late Show with David Letterman
They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag.

Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson.

Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she's over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers.

Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, "You Mafia guys are all going to hell." It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday, Sir Elton John. You know who else's birthday it is today? "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker. One is a sassy lady dreaming about hooking up with Mr. Big. The other one is Sarah Jessica Parker.

It's a huge holiday in Sweden. It's vaffeldagen — or Waffle Day. Every year on March 25, people in Sweden make waffles while they drive their Volvos and listen to ABBA.

Here in America, March 25 is when we celebrate Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings." If you were to combine breakfast foods with "The Lord of the Rings," what would you get? Bilbo Bagels. Elves Benedict. Cinnamon Trolls.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
If you watched the show last night, you know there's a tarantula in my pool. It's now dead. Apparently it had Kansas in the NCAA bracket and decided to kill itself.

I don't want to call a maintenance guy to get the tarantula because it will make me look like a wimp. But I also don't want to get it myself because I AM a wimp. So I'll just move, I guess.

March Madness brackets are like children. Nobody wants to hear about yours.

I don't care who wins the March Madness polls. I'm definitely out. I've never done worse. It's like I can't even see the future anymore.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.

Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

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