Jokes of the day

2901 - 2925

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Mon, Feb 03, 2014

#2901

Late Night From 01/29
Part 2

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Last night of course was the State of the Union address, and during his speech, President Obama promised to focus on economic growth, education, and healthcare. Or as people tuning in put it, 'Oh crap, it's a rerun.'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"As you know, President Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. Obama says he wants to give 'America a raise.' He's just waiting, of course, for final approval from China. As soon as they say it's OK, then we'll move ahead."

"The president said that unemployment is dropping, but critics claim it doesn't include people who have left the workforce. How about people who were asked to leave the workforce like me? Are we included in that?"

"President Obama asked that Americans pitch in and help those who are most down on their luck — like the Lakers. I think he mentioned them by name."

"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years."

Tue, Feb 04, 2014

#2902

Late Night From 01/30
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s Groundhog Day. Of course the star of Groundhog Day is Punxsutawney Phil. He has been around for almost 70 years. How does that work? Seems fishy to me. They do the same thing with the kid on "Two and a Half Men."

You'd think with technology they'd update Groundhog Day just little. Maybe have Phil stay down in his hole and just tweet out his prediction.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Justin Bieber recently retired from music to focus on building up his criminal record.

Last week Justin was arrested for drag racing a rented Lamborghini while under the influence. The results of his drug test were released today. They show he was on both marijuana and Xanax. That's an interesting combination. It's like he's part teenager, part "Real Housewife."

Once again, President Obama will grant an interview to a journalist from the network broadcasting the Super Bowl. The game is on Fox this year, so Bill O'Reilly will do the interview. I'm taking O'Reilly with the points.

There are still more than 11,000 Super Bowl tickets unsold. Why they would have trouble selling $1,500 tickets to an outdoor event being held in a blizzard that you can watch on TV for free, I don't know, but they are.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There's more trouble for Justin Bieber. Last night he was arrested in Toronto for assaulting a limo driver. First a DUI, now an assault charge. If Bieber keeps this up he's never going to get into a good college.

The forecast for Sunday's Super Bowl has improved in the last week. It's expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. That's a good temperature for New Jersey. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the swamp.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden was just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. When Snowden asked where he could pick up the award, the organizers said, "Um, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."

Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president.

Wed, Feb 05, 2014

#2903

Late Night From 01/30
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016. Isn’t that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016?

Canadian bad-boy Justin Bieber was arrested in Toronto for beating up a limo driver. Which, of course, is really embarrassing — for the limo driver. He has to admit in open court he got beat up by Justin Bieber.

A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.

Music industry executives are now defending Justin Bieber, saying that he was arrested because he was profiled by the Miami police. Well, how much longer will we put up with "the man" targeting rich white kids in Lamborghinis? When is that going to stop?

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Justin Bieber turned himself in at a Toronto police station for an assault charge. There was confusion when he first arrived. They asked him, "Hey, little girl, have you lost your mommy?"

Justin Bieber has been charged with assaulting his Toronto limo driver. The driver is reportedly suffering from minor injuries and from being the laughingstock of the Toronto limousine industry.

The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Justin Bieber is in trouble again. First he egged his neighbor's house, then he was arrested for drag racing and under the influence, and now he's beaten up a limo driver. He was charged with assault and Biebery. They also charged him with carrying a concealed egg.

Here's some advice for Justin Bieber. Be nice and don't beat up limo drivers, Justin, because one day you could be one.

When Sunday’s Super Bowl is finished, it will be followed by the Republican rebuttal.

The ratings were very low for the president's State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because it's the State of the Union address, that's why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Thu, Feb 06, 2014

#2904

Late Night From 01/31
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman

Sunday is Groundhog Day, coincidentally with Super Bowl Sunday. I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day. I stuff the groundhog and I put it in a medium oven, and I'm ready to go.

Everybody is very excited about the Super Bowl. You know, they say it's a predictor of the Academy Awards.

Paul and I have been together doing this show for 32 years, and it is more or less the same show we started at NBC. Yes, at NBC things were going along great, and then I got fired. They caught me parking in Tom Brokaw's spot.

It's now 49 cents to send a first-class letter. I hope this will cut down on my hate mail.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Sunday is the Super Bowl. As I like to call it, "the Oscars for straight people."

I like the Broncos' logo. It is aggressive. There is nothing like a severed horse head to show the opponent you mean business.

It is amazing that both Peyton Manning, Broncos quarterback, and younger brother Eli Manning grew up to be NFL quarterbacks like their dad. I have two sons. If they someday both end up hosting late-night talk shows, that will make me unbelievably sad.

It is the Broncos vs. the Seahawks. That raises an interesting question. What is a Seahawk? A hawk that somehow learned to swim? Or a mutant fish that has grown wings?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A zoo in Utah says that its ape named Eli has chosen the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl. Which means Peyton Manning now has TWO Elis quietly rooting against him.

The NFL announced that veteran referee Terry McAulay will lead the referee crew at Sunday’s Super Bowl. So if you had him in your referee pool . . . please contact Gambler’s Anonymous. You have a problem.

House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans.

Fri, Feb 07, 2014

#2905

Late Night From 01/31
Part 2

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"The President gave a great State of the Union address. President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats – and yet – Justin Bieber remains a free man."

"One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the duck dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, 'I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation's capital.' Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?"

"It was a tough week to be black in America. Obama's speech got the lowest ratings in 15 years; a white guy won all the rap awards at the Grammys and the Real Housewives of Atlanta were found frozen to death."

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question : 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'"

"It seems like every week we get introduced to some new frothing lunatic who's actually in Congress, and this week it was Michael Grimm. He's a Republican from Gold's Gym, I'm sorry Staten Island. His hobbies are lifting weights and losing his temper. He was being interviewed after the State of the Union by some reporter, and apparently got pissed off and threatned to throw the reporter off the balcony, and said to him, 'I will break you in half like a boy.' Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island."

"Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the 'Imperial President,' which he sees as a threat to his title, 'Supreme A**hole.'"

"New Rule: Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards."

"New Rule: If polls show we now live in an America that can accept gay marriage and legal marijuana it's time we knocked over the next social domino – puritanism - especially as it pertains to our elected leaders. Let's stop being a nation of grade school prudes about adult consensual sex and accept that politicians aren't boy scouts – that's just a costume they wear on Grindr."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
You want to be careful if you gamble on the Super Bowl. Last year I made a Super Bowl bet with Jimmy Fallon. I think we know how that turned out.

In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm."

It is still cold all across the nation. It was so cold today that Al Gore called global warming a hoax.

Ratings for President Obama's State of the Union address were the lowest in 14 years. The speech drew 33 million people, which is still pretty good — considering it was a rerun.

Sat, Feb 08, 2014

#2906

Late Night From 02/03
Part 1

Conan O'Brien

On Saturday before the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning received the NFL's MVP award for the season. Yeah, unfortunately it was immediately intercepted by a Seahawk.

After appearing in a commercial during last night's Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Let's talk about the big game yesterday. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. The Broncos are blaming it on a traffic study.

The final score was 43-8. At least that's what people told me when I woke up.

Did this happen or did I dream this? At one point Peyton Manning was actually sacked by Bruno Mars?

It was a boring game. Next year they're talking about bringing in Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
How about that Super Bowl? Some of you may expect me to make jokes about the Broncos. I won't do that. To me it's just beating a dead horse.

Well done, Seattle. I think they needed this to cement their reputation. Before last night, the meanest guy from Seattle was "Frasier."

Poor Broncos. Experts said they haven't seen something crushed like that in New Jersey since Chris Christie's beanbag chair.

The Broncos looked so bad, even the L.A. Lakers said, "This is kind of embarrassing to watch." Peyton Manning had such a bad night that Tim Tebow said, "I could have done that."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It wasn't much of a Super Bowl game. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. You know how after the game the winning players go to Disney World? Some of the Seahawks went halfway through the third quarter.

It cost $4 million for a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl. I'm always surprised at which companies elect to pay that. How did a pistachio company afford $4 million? What kind of mark-up are they getting on those nuts?

The Super Bowl was on Fox, so the traditional pre-game sit-down with President Obama went to Bill O'Reilly. The interview got off to a rocky start. O'Reilly asked Obama, "Where you were born was football played with your feet?" And it went downhill from there.

At the end of the interview O'Reilly said he thinks Obama's "heart is in the right place." What does that mean? That's basically saying that I don't think he’s destroying America intentionally.

Sun, Feb 09, 2014

#2907

Late Night From 02/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Did you all see that game yesterday? Was that the worst Super Bowl ever? It was 43 to 8. The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet was more competitive than that.

The Broncos couldn’t move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A.

While he was at the game, Governor Chris Christie was up to his old tricks. It turns out he blocked three lines at the concession stand.

Jimmy Fallon is here tonight. He’s not here to talk. He’s helping me pack.

Mon, Feb 10, 2014

#2908

Late Night From 02/04

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
With all the hoopla over the Super Bowl, did you know Sunday was Groundhog Day? What happened was the groundhog saw his shadow and then kept watching it. He thought it would be more exciting than watching that stupid Super Bowl.

The Seahawks had a great slogan: "Why not us?" That's what they would say to each other before the game. That is much better than the Broncos' slogan: "Hey, why not hike it over the quarterback's head?"

In spite of being a terrible game, the Super Bowl was the most watched TV event in history. So apparently it’s true — if we do start televising executions, people will watch.

People were partying in Seattle on Sunday night after the game. They were singing, they were laughing, they were hugging complete strangers, dancing in the streets. Basically, the same thing they've done every night in Seattle since they legalized marijuana.

Conan O'Brien
Sunday's game was the most watched Super Bowl in history. It was a hit with fans of both football and whatever the Broncos were playing.

People are worried that Sochi in Russia is not ready for the Olympics. They have a mall there where the only store that's currently open is a Cinnabon — or as Americans refer to it, a mall that caters to all of our needs.

Hillary Clinton is encouraging Hispanic families to read to their kids. She's also telling Asian families to ease up on the math so the rest of us can catch up.

Today it was announced that Bill Gates is stepping down as chairman of Microsoft. He starts working at the gap next Tuesday.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Is the Super Bowl pre-game show still on?

The Broncos got beaten really bad — and we still won't know until we find the black box exactly what went wrong.

So we have the Broncos, and Jay Leno is leaving the "Tonight Show" — what a week for turnovers, huh?

George Clooney is on the program tonight. George is here to talk about his new movie, "The Monuments Men," and also about allegations that he was caught egging his neighbors' mansion.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Facebook is 10 years old today. You know who else is celebrating a birthday today? Eric Garcetti, the mayor of Los Angeles. Facebook and Los Angeles are very different. One was considered cool a long time ago but is still a good place to waste time with fake friends — and the other one is Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook. I've never been on it. There are people on Facebook who claim to be me. To them I say, "Aim higher."

I'm old fashioned. I don't want my personal information out there for everyone. I share details of my life with a very small group of people — the audience of this show.

Teenagers are proving they don't need Facebook. They're finding other sites. They'll keep hopping from one site to another until they're 70 years old. Then they can settle into the warm embrace of the CBS demographic.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is the 10th anniversary of Facebook. Facebook was started in a Harvard dorm room by Jesse Eisenberg in "Spider-Man 2."

Actually, Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook. He was a 19-year-old student in a hoodie. Now he's a 29-year-old billionaire in a hoodie.

More than anyone, Mark Zuckerberg revolutionized the way we avoid doing work in this country.

Yet another winter storm is dumping snow on two dozen states right now. The storms were supposed to end last Friday, but they were so popular they decided to extend their run.

Tue, Feb 11, 2014

#2909

Late Night From 02/05

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise."

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is."

Conan O'Brien
"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming."

"Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The Russians have spent $51 billion on the Olympics – $51 billion. With that kind of money the Yankees could buy themselves a mediocre player."

"The Olympics are set to begin on Friday but construction crews in Sochi are still racing to complete work on everything from roads to hotels. When asked to explain the delays Vladimir Putin admitted that in retrospect it was a mistake to fire his construction foreman for being gay."

"The Russians are not ready. You heard it here first. They are not ready for the Olympics. You know, I'm blaming it on Obamacare."

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The Winter Olympics start Friday. But if you want to see people flipping end-over-end in a frozen wonderland, just watch people on the East Coast try and drive to work." –Craig

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell."

"You know, ticket sales have been slow for the Olympics in Sochi, mostly because the Olympics are in Sochi."

"CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth."

Wed, Feb 12, 2014

#2910

Late Night From 02/06

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is.

Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks. Today, they had their big Super Bowl victory parade. You see what the city did to make the parade move along faster? They put the Denver Broncos defense right in front of them.

Warren Buffett is now offering $1 billion to anyone who can fill out a perfect bracket in the NCAA basketball tournament. It is not a million, but a billion dollars. The odds of winning are nine quintrillion to one, just slightly less than the odds of the Lakers making the playoffs.

Conan O'Brien
Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming.

Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

This week on board Justin Bieber's private jet, the pilots had to wear oxygen masks because of all of the pot smoke. They also had to wear ear plugs because Bieber was blasting his own music.

 

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Russians have spent $51 billion on the Olympics — $51 billion. With that kind of money the Yankees could buy themselves a mediocre player.

The Olympics are set to begin on Friday but construction crews in Sochi are still racing to complete work on everything from roads to hotels. When asked to explain the delays Vladimir Putin admitted that in retrospect it was a mistake to fire his construction foreman for being gay.

The Russians are not ready. You heard it here first. They are not ready for the Olympics. You know, I'm blaming it on Obamacare.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I heard the news that Clay Aiken from 'American Idol' is running for Congress. I'm very excited about this. This is fantastic. Do you know the material there will be for me if Clay Aiken becomes a congressman? I can come into work even later every day.

The Winter Olympics start Friday. But if you want to see people flipping end-over-end in a frozen wonderland, just watch people on the East Coast try and drive to work.

The weird thing is today happens to be national weatherperson's day. It's a real thing. It's strange that the blizzard fell on national weatherperson's day. I never knew that weathermen get their own day. They just get one day, though. As opposed to sharks, who get a whole week. This is because sharks possess an actual "skill."

These days, weathermen rely on technology more than ever. They are always telling us how accurate their Doppler 5000 radar is, which just reminds everyone that it's really the machine that does the forecasting. It is a human taking credit when a robot is doing most of the work.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, "Isn't it a little cramped?" When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell.

You know, ticket sales have been slow for the Olympics in Sochi, mostly because the Olympics are in Sochi.

CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

Justin Bieber is still on a tear. Justin and a group of 10 friends were on a private jet. They harassed the flight attendants to the point where they had to hide in the cockpit. And they were smoking pot to the point where the pilots had to put on oxygen masks. The best part of the story is Justin's dad was on the plane smoking and harassing along with the rest of them. So for all the folks asking where the hell are this kid's parents: Now we know.

Thu, Feb 13, 2014

#2911

Late Night From 02/07
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons.

The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people.

While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin's body oil caught on fire.

It's the 50th Anniversary of The Beatles appearing here on the Ed Sullivan Theater stage — 50 years ago The Beatles debuted, or as Ed Sullivan called them that night, The Temptations.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
This is the last night Jay Leno is hosting "The Tonight Show." Good luck, Jay. The lesson here is if you work hard and succeed, someday you will be fired.

That's why I'm happy right here. They can't fire you if they don't know you're on the air.

A new LEGO movie is coming out. I've heard some people say, "This LEGO movie is basically just a two-hour commercial." These people are completely wrong. It's only 90 minutes.

I think this LEGO movie will do very well. Because people love watching movies that remind them of their childhood. That's why I'll see any movie about binge drinking and scurvy.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That's when you know things are bad — when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia.

I guess it isn’t going well over there. In fact, I heard there’s even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. "How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?"

After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that’s also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, “You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?” While most people were like, “You mean I can eat my yoga mat?”

It was also weird when bread came in regular, whole wheat, and Lululemon.

Fri, Feb 14, 2014

#2912

Late Night From 02/07
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I don’t like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don’t need to get fired three times. I get the hint.

You know, being together all these years, the staff is very close. It's kind of like graduating high school — a high school for really stupid people that have been in the same class for 22 years.

And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare.

When I started hosting, Justin Bieber wasn’t even born yet. That's why we call those “the good old days."

It was revealed this week that in the past couple years Hugh Grant has fathered three children with two different women. How ironic is that? I end my run the same way it began — asking Hugh Grant, "What the hell were you thinking?" Twenty-two years later, I ask him the same question.

Conan O'Brien

The Olympics start airing tonight on NBC. It's a big deal. NBC will finally get to show somebody who is OK with passing the torch.

There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics, 12. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay, and finding a working toilet.

We're very excited to have the cast of "The Walking Dead" tonight. Normally, if you want to see the walking dead in L.A., you have to go to the mall of Tarzana.

 

Sat, Feb 15, 2014

#2913

Late Night From 02/10

Conan O'Brien
"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'"

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'"

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Before the games, a lot of people were worried that hotels in Sochi wouldn't be ready. For the most part, things seem to be working well. The only problems occur when people try to do something crazy like, you know, open a door."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?"

"One Sochi elevator has two up buttons. If you want to go down, you have to stand on your head."

"There's a pillow shortage in Sochi too. They don't have enough pillows for the beds. How do you not foresee a demand for pillows? Although in their defense it is Russia. When you sleep wherever you happen to pass out, pillows aren't so important."

"A shipment containing 5,000 containers of Greek yogurt was supposed to be delivered to the U.S. Olympic team, but the Russian government blocked it because they said they didn't fill out the required paperwork. Once again, the Russian government is doing everything they can to repress live and active cultures."

Sun, Feb 16, 2014

#2914

Late Night From 02/11

Conan O'Brien
Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team.

The family of openly gay NFL prospect Michael Sam say they found out he was gay from watching ESPN. Meanwhile, Michael Sam found out he was gay from watching Bravo.

A Los Angeles newscaster had to apologize to Samuel L. Jackson for mistaking him for Laurence Fishburne. Yeah, he said "I'm sorry, but everybody makes mistakes, even our great president, Morgan Freeman."

To stop the spread of disease, the city of Vancouver has allowed crack pipes to be sold in vending machines. The plan is being called dangerous by the mayor of New York City and genius by the mayor of Toronto.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I'm loving the Winter Olympics on that other network. But it's not the only huge sporting event going on. Right now in New York City, the best are going up against the best. And the claws are coming out — at the 138th annual Westminster Dog Show.

The favorite dog to win is a Komondor. I would love a dog like that. Use it as a mop and your floors would be spotless.

This year at Westminster they are allowing mixed breeds to compete. Owners breed dogs within families. They reward inbreeding. That's not healthy, and creates weird-looking specimens. Same problem I have with the royals.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It was 15 degrees cooler in Atlanta when they had the Summer Olympics than it is in Sochi where they had the Winter Olympics. It got up to 60 degrees today. It was so warm some of the people staying in the hotels thought the heat started working. But it turns out it was just the sun.

Because of the warm weather, some of the ski jumpers were actually landing in puddles of water. They turned into water skiers mid-flight.

Poor Bob Costas. He hosts the prime-time portion of the Olympics for NBC. When the game started he had an infection in his eye. Then it spread to his other eye. Turned out to be a serious case of pink eye, which is a problem because Vladimir Putin now thinks his eyes are gay and wants them removed.

Today in New York was the finals of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This was the 138th Westminster Dog Show, which proves that no matter how boring something is, you can still do it over and over again.

This year the dogs competed in a variety of categories including talent, evening gown, and swimsuit.

Mon, Feb 17, 2014

#2915

Late Night From 02/12

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas' eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer?

The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast.

At a McDonald's in Michigan, a woman fired a gun at a drive-through worker for forgetting bacon on her order. In the woman's defense, the worker did forget her bacon.

Researchers say that at least four species of crocodiles are able to climb trees. And there is a cobra that can pick locks.

Tue, Feb 18, 2014

#2916

Late Night From 02/13

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away."

"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit."

"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts."

Conan O'Brien
In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi.

Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.

In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called "a new generation Republican." Or as their known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.

Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight. They are referring to this new contraceptive as sweatpants.

Wed, Feb 19, 2014

#2917

Late Night From 02/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." This is the first "Tonight Show" broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I'm Jimmy Fallon and I'll be your host . . . for now.

Of course, I wouldn't be here tonight if it weren’t for the previous "Tonight Show" hosts, so I want to say “thank you” to Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno. Amazing lineage.

I had a great childhood, but if you’d told me when I was a kid that after graduating high school, I'd get to be on "Saturday Night Live" and eventually I’d be the host of "The Tonight Show," I'd have said, "I graduated high school?"

I’m a proud, proud dad, and speaking of dads, I’m lucky to say my parents are here to see this, Jim and Gloria Fallon. Thank you for being here. I wish we could’ve gotten you better seats. But it’s a very hot ticket.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It happened again — today I get a call from my mom. She says, "David, did something happen to Jay?"

Happy Presidents Day. There's a Presidents Day sale here where you get 50 percent off any mattress if you can prove you're a former president.

You folks are here on a good night. If you laugh at a joke, you get a medal.

We're halfway through the Winter Olympics. The American speed skaters say there's a reason their times are off. They're blaming it on their suits, and I thought maybe I should do that. It was my suit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a day to remember all our presidents. And also to get a terrific deal on mattresses.

I wonder what ex-presidents do on Presidents Day. Probably have a big cookout at the ex-presidents clubhouse. Clinton, Carter, and the two Bushes all live together in a big house.

It's just like late-night talk-show guys live together in the late-night clubhouse. I haven't seen Leno recently, although one of his cars is still in the driveway. Maybe he's coming back.

There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. He's back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. I'm surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I want to start by wishing everyone a happy Presidents Day because it seems like the right thing to do, even though none of you are actually presidents.

I spent my Presidents Day the same way I always do. I spent it quietly hating everyone who has the day off today.

There's another huge winter storm this week with more than a foot of snow in parts of Massachusetts. Chicago is frozen solid. It's almost like its winter or something.

Humans aren't the only species having trouble keeping warm. Even Boston Terriers don't want to be in Boston anymore.

Thu, Feb 20, 2014

#2918

Late Night From 02/18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Olympics are winding down in Sochi, and the Russian Olympic Committee says one of the giant Olympic rings that malfunctioned during the opening ceremony will be working for the closing ceremony. So it looks like Russia will be ready for the start of the Winter Olympics by the END of the Winter Olympics.

Some critics are saying the U.S. and Canadian women's hockey teams are so good that it's unfair to the other teams. That sounds like something my Mom said after some of my Little League games.

Charlie Sheen announced that he’s getting married for the fourth time. Charlie said, "I just know this is the woman I'm going to be with for the rest of my February."

An organization called Clowns of America International is saying that the U.S. is actually facing a shortage of clowns. Then they opened the door to one car and said, "Never mind. Here they are."

Conan O'Brien
In South Carolina, a woman spent a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of the Jennifer Lopez movie "Monster-in-Law" — yet the people who made the movie are still allowed to walk free.

It's been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of "Game of Thrones." You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO.

The World Clown Association has announced that the number of clowns worldwide has dropped dramatically. The drop in clowns is mostly due to one fatal car accident.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Charlie Sheen is engaged to an adult film star. Not only is he going to marry her, but she'll be working the bachelor party.

Here in New York City we have so much snow that they're running out of salt. So right this minute, sanitation workers are out on the street scraping pretzels.

Justin Bieber, from now on, wants to be known as Bizzle. In fact, earlier today he underwent a three-hour operation to have his Bieber removed.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book "Killing Jesus." I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well.

Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no.

The one-man luge makes sense because it's just a guy on a sled and whoever goes the fastest wins. But what doesn't make sense is the two-man luge. There's only room for one man on the luge. The other guy has to lay on top of him. It's a bunk bed but without the second bed.

What's the point to two men for a luge event? Why not three or four? Why not stack them up? Imagine 15 guys piled up.

Fri, Feb 21, 2014

#2919

Late Night From 02/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, "I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me."

When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, "Uh, mammal?"

A team of military researchers is developing a pizza that can stay edible for three years. It’s been a weird couple of years for the military. One minute you’re hunting Osama bin Laden and the next you’re trying to outsmart Papa John.

A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.

Conan O'Brien
Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin.

Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week.

In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is "Vote for me and then vote again in two months."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Snow and ice have frozen and hardened over tons and tons of garbage. Here in New York City we call that the giant slalom.

President Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman.

Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There is a big celebrity birthday today. Happy birthday to 15th century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus.

Copernicus is considered the "father of astronomy." I know you're thinking, "Craig, you can't do a monologue about Nicolaus Copernicus. That was Jay Leno's signature bit." That's true, but Leno's gone now. That's why he was fired, because of all the stuff he did on Copernicus.

Happy birthday, Nicolaus Copernicus. Valentine's Day may be over, but I'd like give him a great big Coperni-kiss.

Copernicus wasn't just an astronomer. He also practiced medicine, but without a proper medical degree. He was like a 15th century Dr. Phil.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
They had the lottery drawing tonight. The jackpot was around $400 million. That makes it the fourth biggest in Powerball history. Last year, an 84-year-old woman won $590 million. Then she blew it all on butterscotch candies and dolphin figurines.

At the Olympics the U.S. now leads the total medal count with 23. That's important because the country with the most medals at the end of the Olympics gets the best parking spot at the United Nations for the next two years.

There's bad blood in the world of Olympic ice dancing. The Canadian team won the silver medal, but they're upset because their Russian coach also coaches the American team that won the gold medal. The top two teams have the same coach. How is that possible? How does that coach give a pep talk?

The Canadians say their coach gave the American team preferential treatment. They say they complained about this several times but to no avail. I don't know much about ice dancing so this might sound crazy, but maybe get a different coach. Or does that break some ice dancing code of honor?

Sat, Feb 22, 2014

#2920

Late Night From 02/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, “Who’s that guy groping Fallon?”

On Tuesday, President Obama hosted a White House screening of the new movie “The Monuments Men.” Or as Biden called it, “NOT ‘The Lego Movie.’”

A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close.

It was revealed this week that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney were not the first choices to star in the movie “Gravity.” Seriously? Who said “No” — God and Oprah?

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday at the Olympics, a snowboarder who was raised in America won a gold medal for Russia. So congratulations to Edward Snowden.

The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber.

Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team.

A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are, or whom they're trying to impress.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Enjoying the Olympics? Here's how it works. The country winning the most gold medals receives a recording contract.

The Russians were supposed to do well in men's and women's hockey. Now they've both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They're gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner.

In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started.

A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party.

A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Hey, does anyone want to buy a slightly used Powerball ticket?

One person won the $425 million Powerball jackpot. It was purchased at a Chevron station outside of San Jose. 1, 17, 35, 49, 55, and 34 were the lucky numbers. NOW they tell us.

This afternoon the U.S. women's team faced off against Canada in the gold medal hockey game. A weird thing happened during that game. I found myself caring about women's hockey for just, like, a moment.

The best part of watching the Canadians win is we got to watch Toronto Mayor Rob Ford celebrate.

Sun, Feb 23, 2014

#2921

Late Night From 02/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'"

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar."

"Christie said he's still holding out hope that he and Bruce Springsteen can be friends. In response, Springsteen was like, 'One! Two! Three! No.'"

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"America is leading all the other countries at the Olympics in gold medals. Great, another reason for the rest of the world to hate us."

"Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good."

"This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own."

Mon, Feb 24, 2014

#2922

Late Night From 02/24
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out."

"Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be 'coming back.' He's been living under the desk for the last three years."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We'll see you again in four years."

"The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes."

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money."

Tue, Feb 25, 2014

#2923

Late Night From 02/24
Part 2

Late Night With Seth Meyers
"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'"

"While celebrating Canada's defeat over Sweden in men's hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It's really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It's almost presidential for Rob Ford."

"A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that's all there is."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
"The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note."

"The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that's why today Putin said, 'We weren't REAL friends. Just Facebook friends."

Conan O'Brien
"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'"

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job."

"In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi."

"Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin." –David Letterman

"Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector."

Wed, Feb 26, 2014

#2924

Late Night From 02/25

Conan O'Brien
"The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona's chances of hosting the Tony Awards."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show. Lauer said, 'Thanks for getting up early to be with us.' Then Ford said, 'I never went to bed.'"

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi."

"Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"At the White House today President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had a private meeting in the Oval Office. They met for about an hour. It turns out the last five years have been a big misunderstanding. They actually agree on everything. I'm glad they cleared that up."

"Obama and Boehner talked about manufacturing, immigration, healthcare, Afghanistan, and the drought in California, among other things. An aide to speaker Boehner said they met because they believe it's important to work together on issues where they find common ground. Unfortunately, there were no issues on which they found common ground."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant."

Thu, Feb 27, 2014

#2925

Late Night From 02/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he's not there.

Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they've found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.

Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I’m not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall.

With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there's talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: "Two Kraines.”

Conan O'Brien
The Oscars are coming up. Or as they're officially called: "Hoarders, the Meryl Streep Edition."

A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently he's talking about a Target store I have never been to.

In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.

The Late Show with David Letterman
One of the Knicks players, Raymond Felton, was arrested for carrying a concealed gun. That makes him the first openly stupid player on the Knicks.

The cops had to arrest Felton because the only person on the Knicks allowed to shoot is Carmelo Anthony.

Are you excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday night? I love the Academy Awards because, as they say, the Academy Awards are an early predictor of the Academy Awards.

Well, you don't need to worry about public enemy No. 1 anymore. Authorities have apprehended El Chapo Guzman. He was hustled away in a pre-dawn raid. That's how NBC got rid of me.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In a new interview, the Dalai Lama says watching TV is a waste of time. And I'm like, "What? How dare you, Mr. Lama!" What does the Dalai Lama care about wasting time? He's eternally reborn. He's got all the time in the world.

What we should do is make more shows that appeal to the Dalai Lama. How about shows like "Two and a Half Monks," "The Big Buddha Theory" and "CSI: Tibet"? Or what about "Parks and Reincarnation"?

A married couple in California were walking through their backyard and they found a treasure trove of rare gold coins. It's the biggest discovery of valuable coins since Stedman cleaned out Oprah's couch.

Imagine finding gold in your own backyard. Right now there's a leprechaun saying, "What happened to me pot o' gold?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her.

President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he'll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.

A man in South Carolina tried to pay for his lunch with a counterfeit trillion dollar bill. Unfortunately, he came up short because he was having lunch at Whole Foods.

A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

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