Jokes of the day

2876 - 2900

Newest

Thu, Jan 09, 2014

#2876

Late Night From 01/09
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it."

"Somebody at Governor Christie's office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time."

"Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn't he?"

"After his denial, Christie quickly left the news conference to deal with a more personal crisis: the Velveeta cheese shortage."

"In the new movie 'The Wolf of Wall Street,' they say the F-word was used a record 506 times. Thus breaking the old record of 505 times set by President Obama when he heard about Robert Gates' new book."

Fri, Jan 10, 2014

#2877

Late Night From 01/09
Part 4

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge."

"Chris Christie held a press conference today to address the bridge scandal. He insisted that he is not a bully — and he will sit on anyone who says otherwise."

"Yesterday, President Obama gave photographers a rare chance to take pictures of his weekly lunch with Joe Biden. Then Biden told his friends, 'Told you I knew the president.'"

Sat, Jan 11, 2014

#2878

Late Night From 01/10
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!"

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare."

"During his press conference about the traffic scandal, Christie said he was stunned by the 'abject stupidity.' And this is a guy wants to be president? Wait until he gets to Washington. It's a whole new level."

"Yesterday President Obama laid out plans for creating what he called 'promise zones' all across the county – spots that will receive extra financial and economic attention from the government. Don't confuse those areas with the rest of the country. Those are 'broken promise' zones."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"President Obama has launched a preliminary search for the location of his presidential library. Members of his team are pushing for his birthplace. But I'm thinking Kenya is a bit too far." –Craig Ferguson

Sun, Jan 12, 2014

#2879

Late Night From 01/10
Part 2

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP."

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"I had trouble getting out here. The darnedest thing happened. We have a hallway that leads out here to the stage and I couldn't get through because Chris Christie had it shut down."

Mon, Jan 13, 2014

#2880

Late Night From 01/13
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., 'making pretty good time.' We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway."

"In the wake of this embarrassing scandal, Governor Chris Christie has fired the person responsible. To which President Obama said: 'You can do that?'"

"Did you all watch the Golden Globes last night? The big winner was 'American Hustle,' a film about the marketing of Obamacare."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, 'Hey, wanna trade scandals?'"

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year. When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that bridge when I get to it.'"

"There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives."

"Yeah, French President Francois Hollande had an affair with a younger woman. When asked about it, he said, 'At least I did not eat pizza with a knife and fork!'"

Tue, Jan 14, 2014

#2881

Late Night From 01/13
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane."

"Some New Jersey Democrats have started an investigation to get Chris Christie out of the governor's mansion. And by governor's mansion they mean the White Castle at exit 8."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"People are saying Governor Chris Christie is not fit for office. So they'll have to widen the door again."

"Governor Christie was asked, 'Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, 'Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it.'"

Wed, Jan 15, 2014

#2882

Late Night From 01/14
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge."

"A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website."

Thu, Jan 16, 2014

#2883

Late Night From 01/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work."

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey."

"Governor Christie said he wants to do all he can to keep people from leaving New Jersey. That's why he closed the bridge. He was trying to do some good."

Conan O'Brien
"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'"

"President Obama will visit Pope Francis. The president said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the one old white guy who's not bashing Obamacare.'"

Fri, Jan 17, 2014

#2884

Late Night From 01/15

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an affair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No it!'"

"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this Bridgegate scandal. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach."

Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized."

"Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto."

Sat, Jan 18, 2014

#2885

Late Night From 01/16
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Unfortunately I wasn't nominated for an Oscar again this year. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get one now.

The Oscar nominations were announced at 5:30 this morning in Beverly Hills. So if your publicist called you screaming at 6 a.m., either you were nominated for an Oscar or you're Justin Bieber.

Award nominations and search warrants are the only things that wake celebrities up early nowadays.

The Vatican announced they're making some changes to the way they handle applications for sainthood. Did you know you have to apply for sainthood? The application process can take years and cost up to $1 million along the way. But if you have five other friends who also want to be saints they give you a discount.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This week country singer Trace Adkins was on a country music-themed cruise when he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator. It was a nasty brawl. In fact, it took five Elvises to pull them apart.

The Oscar nominations came out today. The movies up for Best Picture this year include “Gravity,” “Her,” and “American Hustle.” Or as my mom refers to them, “Doctor from 'ER' in space,” “The guy who talks to his voice mail,” and “Your father used to dress like that when we were dating.”

The Super Bowl is coming up very soon, and organizers for the big game say that security will be so tight this year, the only thing fans will have to worry about is if their team wins. Then they said, "And if you're from New York, not even that."

A new study found that more than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last three years. And unfortunately, none of them were your parents.

Sun, Jan 19, 2014

#2886

Late Night From 01/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles.

Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get healthcare and now we've got diseases you can't treat.

They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying the plane.

Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn't care less.

Conan O'Brien
Country music star Trace Adkins was on a cruise ship. He got in a brawl with a Trace Adkins impersonator. Nobody is exactly sure who won.

Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very disappointed but she's being comforted but her 700 REAL butlers.

The movie "Gravity" received 10 nominations. It's the film where Sandra Bullock achieves what every Hollywood actress dreams of — true weightlessness.

Justin Bieber's egg-throwing scandal is rocking the judicial world. If Justin is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. American officials are hopeful they can get "deported" changed to "catapulted."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Alex Rodriguez has a lot of trouble. He is suing everybody in baseball, and meanwhile he is terribly out of shape. He hasn't played ball in a long time. Gee, I wonder what a guy like that does to get back into top physical condition.

The Pope has chosen 19 new cardinals — and three new late-night talk-show hosts.

A lot of people think the Pope has gone crazy with power. I heard today that a couple of weeks ago he had his uncle executed.

Movie stars have get up in the middle of the night to announce the Oscar nominations live at 5:30 a.m. in Los Angeles. The only person up at that time of night in Los Angeles is Justin Bieber throwing eggs at his neighbor's house.

Mon, Jan 20, 2014

#2887

Late Night From 01/20

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, "Pray for us."

A new survey found that Peyton Manning is the most well-respected player in the NFL by his fellow players. In fact, yesterday the Patriots spent three hours moving out of his way.

Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party on Saturday night. Yeah, because there's no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party looking at Beyoncé.

Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party supposedly went all the way until 2 a.m. on Saturday. Which explains why on Sunday, Barack expanded healthcare to include Gatorade and Tylenol.

On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia.

Tue, Jan 21, 2014

#2888

Late Night From 01/21
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Earlier today Governor Chris Christie was re-inaugurated. It was a beautiful ceremony. They even had that phony sign language guy. When Governor Christie was sworn in, he put his right hand on a menu. Immediately following the ceremony, Christie closed the Holland Tunnel."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's 14 hours long. You know it's bad when your movie is so long even Franklin Roosevelt would have stood up and walked out."

"Yeah, 14 hours about President Roosevelt. Which sounds like too much until you realize there's been over 30 hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo."

Wed, Jan 22, 2014

#2889

Late Night From 01/21
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is getting serious about this NSA spying scandal. He told the nation that the NSA will not be used 'for the purpose of suppressing or burdening criticism or dissent.' You see, that's what the IRS is for. That's their job."

"We are so lucky to live here in California with a huge snowstorm back east. Actually, Governor Chris Christie is very happy about this weather. He's got something else to blame the road closures on."

Conan O'Brien
"Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said 'a sit-up.'"

"France's first lady is suffering from extreme fatigue after learning of her husband's affair with an actress. I don't know why she's tired. He's the one juggling two women."

Thu, Jan 23, 2014

#2890

Late Night From 01/22
Part 1

Conan O'Brien
"The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore."

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water."

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing 'blizzard-like conditions.' I'm no expert, but by gosh, isn't that a blizzard? There are no snow plows in the city. They couldn't get across the George Washington Bridge."

Fri, Jan 24, 2014

#2891

Late Night From 01/22
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job."

"According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can't we make anything in this country anymore?"

"Here's something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, 'What would Anthony Weiner do now?'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Target just announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they're blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they'll just have to use their customers' credit cards."

Sat, Jan 25, 2014

#2892

Late Night From 01/23
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Just when the streets are finally safe from Lindsay Lohan, Justin Bieber comes out of nowhere. He was arrested in Miami Beach this morning on charges of DUI, resisting arrest, driving with an expired license, and plus he's in trouble with his grandparents for not stopping by to visit while he was there.

Bieber reportedly was driving 60 in a 30-mile-an-hour zone. He did admit to police that he drank alcohol, smoked pot, and took prescription drugs that night. That may have just been his way of announcing he's running for mayor of Toronto.

Justin failed a field sobriety test. Of course he did. His pants are halfway down his ankles. How is he supposed to walk a straight line?

Bieber was booked. Then he had a major event. He took his very first mug shot. And it shows the smile of a boy who does not need to call his mommy for bail money.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami for drag racing and drunk driving in a rented Lamborghini. And he’s facing a pretty stiff penalty — they’re saying he could get up to two years of being his own neighbor.

CBS has announced that the next season of “Survivor” will have contestants divided into groups based on how strong, smart, and pretty they are. It'll take place at this exotic location known as "high school."

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is facing criticism after this latest snowstorm because wealthy neighborhoods got their streets plowed after poor neighborhoods. Rich people called in to complain and said, “This is outrageous! If I weren’t in Bermuda right now, I'd come down there.”

Toni Tennille and Daryl Dragon from The Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce after 39 years. People were pretty surprised. They said, "What kind of name is Daryl Dragon?"

Sun, Jan 26, 2014

#2893

Late Night From 01/23
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
Justin Bieber, is he still in show business? He was arrested in Miami for drag racing. When they heard about it, the cops put out an all-points Bieber.

The cops chased Bieber down, pulled him over, searched his car, and they found two cartons of concealed eggs.

In Germany, Bieber's monkey was confiscated. Then he got in trouble for insulting Anne Frank. He hired hackers in Brazil. He was egging a neighbor's house. And today Lindsay Lohan actually said, "Wow, what's with this guy?"

There was a kid in the car with Bieber. He was arrested for DUI — driving with an idiot.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is dry here in L.A. There has been no rain in 100 days. It's so dry that Snoop Dog changed his name to Snoop Camel.

It is so dry in L.A. that rich dudes in strip clubs can only "make it drizzle."

The mayor of L.A. is asking everyone to do what they can to conserve water. And people are really responding to the challenge. Today the Kardashians said they'd use electric razors to shave their backs.

In the 1970s, water restrictions got so severe, people couldn't even fill up their pools. Unemployed pool boys roamed the city like packs of wild dogs, their Speedos covered in dust.

Mon, Jan 27, 2014

#2894

Late Night From 01/23
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama announced today that America's No. 1 domestic terrorist has been apprehended. They finally arrested Justin Bieber, ladies and gentlemen. He is in custody. We don’t have to live in fear anymore.

Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach on a DUI. He was also busted for resisting arrest and drag racing. Justin was clocked going 60 miles an hour in a Lamborghini. Wow, 60 miles an hour in a Lamborghini? Hey Justin, it’s called second gear. Try it sometime.

Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane.

Conan O'Brien
In Florida, Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI, a serious thing. The police report said Bieber's blood contained large amounts of alcohol, pot, and Flintstones' chewables.

Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach after drag racing, driving under the influence, and resisting arrest. Police have charged Bieber with impersonating a resident of Florida.

MSNBC has come under fire for creating its own Chris Christie attack ad. However, later it turned out to be just an ad for Jenny Craig.

On the new season of "Sesame Street," Cookie Monster will do a segment where he urges kids to eat healthy. The segment ends with Cookie Monster looking off-camera and asking, "Now you let Cookie Monster's wife and kids go?"

Tue, Jan 28, 2014

#2895

Late Night From 01/24

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it's pretty scary. In fact, it's so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent.

As you know, Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for DUI, drag racing, and resisting arrest. One embarrassing moment when he said to the cop: "Don't you know who I am?" and the cop said, "Miley Cyrus?"

Actually, these charges are pretty serious. Bieber could be deported back to Canada. So at least the story will have a happy ending.

A lot of people are speculating about what's going on with Bieber? Are his parents enabling him? You know, does he have a drug and alcohol problem? Here's the question I have. Is the Lamborghini okay? Was that damaged?

Late Show with David Letterman

The Grammy Awards will be right here on CBS, your hip-hop network.

Let me be clear about this. The Grammy Awards — it's the American version of the Latin Grammys.

Justin Bieber will be at the Grammys. He's been nominated for best rap . . . sheet.

The Bieber kid's in trouble. He's got to get a hold of himself. He was arrested in Florida for DWI — driving while insufferable.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest — you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second.

There are reports that AOL and Yahoo are planning a huge merger. Which is pretty much the business equivalent of hearing Vanilla Ice is touring with MC Hammer.

AOL and Yahoo have been trying to connect for years, but apparently someone in the house was on the phone.

AOL and Yahoo are calling it the deal of the decade. Specifically the ’90s.

Wed, Jan 29, 2014

#2896

Late Night From 01/27
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Couples of all sexual orientations were married on the telecast of the Grammys in a mass ceremony. Getting married during the Grammys is a great way to save money on the videographer. You just have to program the DVR.

It was a strange show. Daft Punk won five Grammy awards. Neither one of these guys ever showed his face. By the way, this is how the robots will enslave us. First they take our Grammys. And then they take our freedom.

How do we even know that was Daft Punk? I mean, it could have been anybody in an outfit. I don't believe Daft Punk even exists, to tell you the truth.

Paul McCartney did a song at the Grammys with Ringo Starr while Yoko Ono looked on menacingly.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
After the president’s State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, “Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.”

The company making the food for this year’s Super Bowl says it will offer healthy choices like kale sandwiches. So if you're hungry at the Super Bowl, now you know where the shortest line for food will be.

I saw that Oprah Winfrey will celebrate her 60th birthday this week. Yep, 60, so just five more years until she can start collecting that sweet Social Security.

Health officials are now saying that Britain's obesity rate is almost the same as the rate in the U.S. Yeah, the average British person weighs 190 pounds. Or to us, 300 dollars.

Thu, Jan 30, 2014

#2897

Late Night From 01/27
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber.

Even though he has been arrested and caused a lot of controversy, Adidas announced this week they are still standing by Justin Bieber as a sponsor. Did you know that Adidas even sponsored Justin Bieber? What sport does he play?

I thought this was great: Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr got together and they did a song at the Grammys last night. So I guess some people still enjoy the older entertainers.

Tomorrow night, President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address. Aides say he won’t mention the war on drugs because he’s still not sure which side he’s on.

Conan O'Brien
Subway has announced a major new campaign to get people to eat healthier. I'm no health expert, but maybe the first thing to do is not sell people piles of meat and bread by the foot.

Over the weekend the Miami Heat took away Justin Bieber's courtside seats. When asked why, a spokesperson for the Heat said Bieber is not acting like an NBA fan. He's acting like an NBA player.

The mayor of Sochi, Russia, said that his city has no gay people. Yeah. Then his son said, "Dad, we need to talk."

The Late Show with David Letterman
We have Super Bowl fever, but it's kind of a low-grade fever.

At the Grammys last night here on CBS, 33 couples got married. Yeah, well, today the Supreme Court refused to uphold those Grammy marriages.

I was actually married at the Latin Grammys.

In the middle of the Grammys, Yoko Ono came up on stage and broke up the remaining Beatles.

Fri, Jan 31, 2014

#2898

Late Night From 01/28
Part 1

Conan O'Brien
"President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the president started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving. In a related story today, Joe Biden finished GIVING a speech he started around Thanksgiving."

"It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union address and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year the cabinet member will be on a prime-time show on NBC."

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie."

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?"

"In Vatican Square the Pope comes out and he has kids release doves of peace. And then some sort of angry bird of prey swooped down and killed the doves. On the Vatican press release, all they said was ‘Bummer.’"

"You see president’s State of the Union address earlier tonight? Oh man, it’s the last pointless event until the Super Bowl."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"The big TV event tonight — not too many people want to watch but it’s on every channel so we do anyway — is the president’s annual State of the Union address."

"The first address broadcast live on TV by a president was given by Harry Truman in 1947, and since then it’s really just an annual competition between Democrats and Republicans who see who can fake clap the loudest."

A petition on the WhiteHouse.gov website asks the U.S. to deport Justin Bieber. If they get 100,000 signatures, the White House has to respond. They already have 87,000. The Canadian military is scrambling jets and mobilizing troops along the border to make sure this doesn’t happen."

Sat, Feb 01, 2014

#2899

Late Night From 01/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. Or, as Fox News called it, ‘Lame Duck Dynasty.’"

"In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different."

"This was a very important speech for the president tonight and he gave it at a time when he’s losing support from his own party. In fact, congressional Democrats were warned tonight that if they didn’t applaud the president’s speech, he would go out and campaign for them."

"Iran says they want to encourage more tourism from the United States. They might want to change that ‘Death to America’ slogan. A lot of families are not comfortable with that."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’"

"Actually, that Fort Lee mayor should feel right at home in Congress – you know, since they’re a bunch of gridlocked people who are angry with the guy in front of them."

"During a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. You know, just like I still ‘don’t know’ if I’ll have a beer on St. Patrick’s Day."

Sun, Feb 02, 2014

#2900

Late Night From 01/29
Part 1

Conan O'Brien
"At last night's State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge."

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"How many of you folks watched the State of the Union speech last night? How many of you watched just for the commercials?"

"Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union."

"Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed."

"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He's become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music."

"By the way, when you have Justin Bieber and Rob Ford in the same place, it's like Gotham City getting attacked by the Joker and the Penguin at once."

Top of page