Jokes of the day

2851 - 2875

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Sun, Dec 15, 2013

#2851

Late Night From 12/03
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"President Obama spoke today in defense of the Affordable Care Act. He said it's a disaster and he's sorry he tried."

"Did you know the speeches he's made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it?"

"The president said despite the initial problems, it's working better now and going do continue to improve. A million people visited on Monday, mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at Wal-Mart on Black Friday."

"Only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?"

"Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week."

Mon, Dec 16, 2013

#2852

Late Night From 12/03
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"Today the White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Yeah, which is good because his current health plan doesn't cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare."

"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free."

"Amazon is testing the delivery of packages by drone. So today U.S. Forces began bombarding Afghanistan with 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.'"

According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant."

"North Korea should make this their new tourist slogan: 'North Korea: Come for the corruption. Stay because we won't let you leave.'"

Tue, Dec 17, 2013

#2853

Late Night From 12/04

Conan O'Brien
"Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana."

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack."

"There is information that Mayor Ford tried to buy the infamous video of him smoking crack. And the gang members wanted $500,000 and a car. Sounds like Ford would make a good game-show host."

Wed, Dec 18, 2013

#2854

Late Night From 12/05

Conan O'Brien
"At a White House holiday party, the Obama's dog, Sonny, reportedly knocked over a small child. So although President Obama's approval rating is down to 40 percent, he's now number one on YouTube."

"Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden arrived in South Korea to talk to the people there. Yeah, first time ever people from South Korea have tried to sneak into North Korea."

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto."

"The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right."

"How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can't build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of Obamacare."

Thu, Dec 19, 2013

#2855

Late Night From 12/06

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's finish Independence Day, everybody. Every year I celebrate by doing Finnish things, like staring out of the window and contemplating my alcoholism.

There were huge celebrations all across Finland. By that I mean some people almost cracked a smile.

The Finns are reserved, quiet, and really polite. That's why they're known as the Canadians of Europe, except the mayor of Helsinki doesn't smoke crack — allegedly.

Newsweek magazine recently named Finland the "overall best country in the world." I'm like, well, based on what? I actually don't know. But you can trust "Newsweek" because they're part of a desperate, dying industry.

Every year the Finns spend almost a billion dollars at Starbucks. A billion dollars works out to about six frappuccinos.

Fri, Dec 20, 2013

#2856

Late Night From 12/09

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"This winter storm has left thousands without electricity. It's as if President Obama had taken over the power companies."

"New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one."

"The post office announced that since they have lost so much money they are going to be reviewing their business model. That could mean big changes. The last time the post office reviewed their business model they sold the ponies and bought trucks."

Conan O'Brien
"North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia."

Sat, Dec 21, 2013

#2857

Late Night From 12/10

Conan O'Brien
"Some are saying that while at Nelson Mandela's memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if President Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?"

"President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.'"

"A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's Kenyan uncle may remain in the United Sates. The judge also ruled that President Obama's Kenyan uncle is an amazing name for a band."

"Pope Francis was named Time magazine's person of the year, and today he performed his first miracle – he got people to buy Time magazine."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Obama is facing a lot of criticism after he posed for a selfie in the middle of Mandela's memorial service. You know it's bad when even Biden is like, 'Man, that was dumb."

"New documents leaked by Edward Snowden show that the NSA actually spied on people while they played the video game World of Warcraft. I don't know C to me it sounds like some NSA agents had to think quick when they got caught playing World of Warcraft at work."

"President Obama released a video this week to encourage kids to learn how to write computer code. Then he said, 'Preferably, in the next two or three weeks. It would really help me out of a jam.'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The world said goodbye today to Nelson Mandela. And what a life he lived. He spent 27 years in prison and then ascended to become president of his country. He went from prison to politics. It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country."

"Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work."

Sun, Dec 22, 2013

#2858

Late Night From 12/12
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day if you like meaningless awards. The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Corrupt foreign journalists who write for papers like the Amsterdam Pennysaver aren't the best judges of excellence in TV and film.

HBO's Liberace movie "Behind the Candelabra" got the most nominations of any TV show. I hope whoever did the costume design gets an award. I don't know how they pulled it off, but they made Liberace seem, well, kind of effeminate.

One difference between the Golden Globes and the Oscars is they serve dinner at the Golden Globes, which creates problems because a lot of actresses haven't seen food in a long time.

There's also an open bar at the Golden Globes — and Mel Gibson. What's the thinking behind that?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There is an essay on Slate.com that argues that because America is a melting pot Santa shouldn't be a white man anymore. The writer suggested that from now on, Santa should be a penguin. I don't know how the writer would expect a penguin to carry toys.

Nominations for the Golden Globe Awards were announced this morning. the Golden Globes aren't quite as prestigious as the Oscars. It is an opportunity for celebrities to hand each other shiny things so we just go with it.

Matt Damon was nominated for a Golden Globe for playing himself in that Liberace movie.

In an annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. And so now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare. Because if anyone knows how to put a new face on something, it’s Hollywood.

This morning at the Golden Globe nominations “The Butler” did not get nominated for best dramatic film. Which is too bad, because it’s the one character who's already dressed for an awards show.

Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you’d think he get a note from Dick Cheney.

Mon, Dec 23, 2013

#2859

Late Night From 12/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem.

So let me get this straight. The NSA is listening to our phone calls, but no one is checking up on the violent schizophrenic who is 18 inches from the president of the United States.

According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians.

In defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, "You can't always get what you want." When it comes to Congress, here’s a better Stones quote: "Can't get no satisfaction.” How about that?

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves.

In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being "genderless and infertile." My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?

The government of Ireland is asking unemployed people to leave the country. But before they go, they should settle up with the bartender.

In an interview Oprah Winfrey said she has no regrets about not having children. Oprah said, "I feel bad enough about bringing Dr. Phil into the world."

The Late Show with David Letterman
You know that fake sign language guy? It was so cold today he was signing with mittens.

How many of you watched "The Sound of Music" show on NBC? Well, they're going to repeat it on Saturday. That will give me an opportunity to not watch it for the second time.

Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to "Big Bang Theory's" Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year.

Tue, Dec 24, 2013

#2860

Late Night From 11/16
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
Another Kardashian marriage is kaput. The proceedings for the divorce actually began when she said, "I do."

The Kardashian husbands are like fragrances. Every year they release another one.

Remember the fake sign language guy who worked the Nelson Mandela funeral? I've heard he has now been booked for the Peter O'Toole funeral.

That fake sign language guy said the problem was he heard voices in his head. One of the voices said, "Maybe you should learn sign language."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Over the weekend, China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA issued a statement: "Sending stuff to the moon is so 1960s. Call us when you get to Mars."

I'm happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can't even get a website to work.

Here's what I know about the moon. It's pale and white and on some nights I stare at it for hours and hours at a time. Oh, no, wait, I'm thinking of Anderson Cooper.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There are only eight days left until Christmas, or 12 if you filed for an extension.

I tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook.

I finished my Christmas shopping over the weekend. I know. I hate me, too.

Wed, Dec 25, 2013

#2861

Late Night From 11/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the 4th quarter.

The Dallas Cowboys blew a 23-point lead. And then their quarterback, Tony Romo, threw two late interceptions in a 37-36 loss to green bay. You can't spell Tony Romo without "o" and "no!"

Tony Romo needs a tattoo that says "wwtbd" — what would Tom Brady do?

Conan O'Brien
While Pope Francis was visiting a children's center, a young boy snatched the Pope's hat off. And because of a little-known Vatican law, that boy is now the new Pope — Pope Timmy.

A football player from Troy University in Alabama has been arrested for murder. Sounds like he's ready for the NFL. The scouts are like, “Wow!”

New research came out that reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life. So finally some good news for hot, popular teenagers.

Thu, Dec 26, 2013

#2862

Late Night From 11/17-18
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA issued a statement: 'Sending stuff to the moon is so 1960s. Call us when you get to Mars.'"

"I'm happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can't even get a website to work."

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"Is Santa Clause an American? Well he is fat and wears a velvet track suit."

"George Zimmerman is auctioning an original painting for $100,000. $100,000? Man, this guy is getting away with murder."

Fri, Dec 27, 2013

#2863

Late Night From 11/17-18
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish."

"It's really starting the look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history."

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape."

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you."

Sat, Dec 28, 2013

#2864

Late Night From 11/17-18
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama has named a top former Microsoft executive to run and fix the Obamacare website. Hey, how about fixing Windows first?"

"More snow storms all across the country. Man, New England is whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly's front lawn."

"Over the weekend the Obamacare website was down. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up."

"The U.S. Post Office announced that today is the busiest shipping day of the year. 600 million packages were shipped today, and as many as 500,000 of those will actually be delivered."

Sun, Dec 29, 2013

#2865

Late Night From 12/20
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
A lot of people like to throw tinsel on their tree. The governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, likes to throw spaghetti on his tree.

When you're picking out your Christmas tree, don't make the mistake I made. Don't even talk about the three-year warranty. Forget that. They're just trying to make money.

Mon, Dec 30, 2013

#2866

Late Night From 12/20
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
Saturday is the shortest day of the year. As a matter of fact, it's so short that Sunday begins in about 20 minutes.

The longest day of the year, of course, is Christmas with your relatives.

Tue, Dec 31, 2013

#2867

Late Night From 12/20
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A new report says that members of Congress work harder than the average American. You know why? That's because thanks to Congress the average American is out of work.

A new study in a British medical journal reports that having a successful sports team in your town increases the birth rate in that town. Especially if it's an NBA team. Then it goes way up.

Wed, Jan 01, 2014

#2868

Late Night From 12/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target. That’s why.

It seems that personal information on nearly 40 million Target customers was stolen this week by hackers. Target customers are outraged and the NSA is really impressed.

Thu, Jan 02, 2014

#2869

Late Night From 01/08
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's former defense secretary, Robert Gates, has written a new memoir where he says that Joe Biden has been wrong on almost every foreign policy issue in the last 40 years. He says he's awful when it comes to foreign countries. Then Biden was like, 'Is this bout the time I got lost at Epcot?'"

Fri, Jan 03, 2014

#2870

Late Night From 01/08
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge. Christie said, 'I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC.'"

"A member of Congress said that unemployment benefits basically pay people to not work. He said the only people who should be paid for not working are members of Congress."

Sat, Jan 04, 2014

#2871

Late Night From 01/08
Part 3

Daily Show with Jon Stewart "Clearly, somebody is getting thrown under the bus. Fortunately for them, the bus isn't moving. It's stuck in terrible traffic." –on Chris Christie vowing to hold people in his administration responsible for the traffic scandal

Sun, Jan 05, 2014

#2872

Late Night From 01/08
Part 4

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"The president of the United States of New Jersey Chris Christie is in hot water. Ok, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off."

"New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up  for days, which is slightly longer than normal."

"Turns out that the lane closures were meant to make life hell as payback to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, for not endorsing Christie for re-election. No word yet on what the rest of New Jersey is payback for."

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir."

Mon, Jan 06, 2014

#2873

Late Night From 01/08
Part 5

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Chris Christie was having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee Jersey, so he closed down the George Washington Bridge. It was traffic snarled up for hundreds of miles, day after day. I'm telling you, this guy, you can't say power hungry without hungry."

"How petty, he's having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee, closes down the George Washington Bridge. Honestly, I thought this guy was bigger than that."

Tue, Jan 07, 2014

#2874

Late Night From 01/09
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie's chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person."

"Iran is encouraging families to have more children to boost the population. They have a plan to give a gold coin to any family that has a baby. Maybe we should send Dennis Rodman and his squad of former NBA players straight from North Korea over there. They'll get that birthrate up in no time."

"Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there."

Wed, Jan 08, 2014

#2875

Late Night From 01/09
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
"It's warming up a little bit here in the northeast. The polar vortex has departed. It was supposed to leave Monday night but it got stuck on the George Washington Bridge."

"Apparently someone in Governor Chris Christie's office closed the bridge. This is what I don't understand. You've got a major political figure and the busiest bridge in the world. Don't put anything in writing. Do what I always do when I have something top secret to discuss. I go to a bowling alley and use the pay phone."

"People are saying that if he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, 'Hey, the guy could be unfit for his pants. What about that?'"

"It's been a lousy week for Governor Christie. I mean, first the bridge scandal and now the nationwide Velveeta shortage."

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