Jokes of the day

2826 - 2850

Newest

Wed, Nov 20, 2013

#2826

Late Night From 11/05
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory."

"In New Jersey, they re-elected Chris Christie by a HUGE margin. Is there any other way?"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"There's now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country's supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works."

"NSA whistle-blower and traitor Edward Snowden, living in asylum in Russia, has released a manifesto directed at the United States claiming that telling the truth should not be a crime. And believe me, there's no better place to celebrate free speech, truth, and equal rights than in Russia."

Daily Show with Jon Stewart "So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here's the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherf*ckers about its effects."

Thu, Nov 21, 2013

#2827

Late Night From 11/05
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, 'I came back for seconds.'"

"Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, 'Four score and seven years ago...'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The White House announced that Joe Biden will travel to Asia to make up for President Obama's trip that was canceled because of the government shutdown. Seriously? That's like Justin Timberlake canceling a show and sending the banjo players from those Geico ads to take his place."

"Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, 'Government Bullies.' When asked for comment, Paul said, 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'"

The Late Show with David Letterman
"New York City is going to get a new mayor. It's between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That's all I know."

"The tall white guy is really tall. He's 6'7'. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he's elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy."

"Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We'll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That's three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money."

"One year ago today President Obama won re-election. And it's been smooth sailing ever since."

Fri, Nov 22, 2013

#2828

Late Night From 11/07
Part 1

Conan O'Brien
Today Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning.

In Colorado, voters have approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. So kids, don't do drugs but stay in the schools funded by them.

Happy birthday to the Lamborghini automobile company. Lamborghini is now 50 years old. You can tell Lamborghini is 50 because it bought itself a Porsche.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford's approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he's smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal?

They had prostate exams on the "Today" show this morning. I can't argue with the importance of having your prostate checked. The idea of doing it during breakfast, I don't know. The last thing you want to hear during breakfast is the snapping of rubber gloves.

The "Today" show did the prostate exams live. This really is the golden age of TV.

This is not the first time Matt Lauer has had a surgical procedure on the "Today" show. About a year ago he had Ann Currie removed.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Did you see the "Today" show this morning? Matt Lauer and Al Roker got their prostates checked. On TV! This wasn't a typical broadcast of the "Today" show. It was more like an episode of "Bad Morning America."

Matt Lauer and Al Roker got prostate exams on TV. I want to know whose idea this was. Who gave it the thumbs up? I'll get to the bottom of this. We need to finger the culprit.

The prostate exams only took 30 seconds at the very end of the show. You didn't actually see the procedure. Matt Lauer and Al Roker just disappeared into offices. All you saw was a closed door. I felt so cheated.

You know what NBC should have done? Brought in a magician to perform the examination. He could pull out a never-ending string of handkerchiefs.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Blockbuster announced that it will close all of its remaining stores in the U.S. by sometime early next year. Blockbuster’s going out of business. So it looks like I'm now the proud owner of a VHS copy of “True Lies."

I'm not sure why Blockbuster is losing so much money. Maybe I'll watch a documentary about it on Netflix.

Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin’s confession — or as Putin calls it, "bragging."

Sat, Nov 23, 2013

#2829

Late Night From 11/07
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.

As I'm sure you’re heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: "Just say yes."

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys.

According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.

Sun, Nov 24, 2013

#2830

Late Night From 11/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"As you may know, Thanksgiving began in 1621 when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians and promised them, 'If you like your land, you can keep your land.'"

"The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That's false, of course. The president says they're trying to correct it, but his website people can't seem to log on."

"President Obama's approval rating is now down to 39 percent. To which Congress said, how do you keep is so high?'"

Conan O'Brien
"The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: “The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions.”

"President Obama met the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. Obama was excited to tell the hockey players that ObamaCare includes dental."

"The ObamaCare website won't be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won't be accessible during the day due to 'it sucking.'"

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"What a week for Chris Christie. First they bring back the McRib, then he wins a blue state by a landslide. First time he's ever won a landslide. He's caused a few."

"Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.'"

"Is this where we are with journalism now? You just call a guy an elephant? It was not only taken as an insult by the governor, but also by the guy who walks behind him and shovels the s**t."

"Now that Americans have gotten a good long look at what's going on with the mayor of Toronto, at least our fat f**k isn't on crack. Have you seen this guy in Toronto on the news? You gotta love a guy whose excuse is, 'Yeah, I don't really remember smoking crack because I was in a drunken stupor. How dare you say I'm a crackhead, I'm a blackout drunk.'"

"Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he's an indoor Republican. And the two bats**t Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I'm not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it's a Republicans' job to get government out of our lives."

"Outlaw sodomy? Does this guy realize that for most people under 30, sodomy is the main form of birth control. What a platform. He wanted to outlaw blow jobs, and he lost single women in the state by 43 points. But listen to this, he won married women by 9. That's all I need to know about marriage."

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama."

Mon, Nov 25, 2013

#2831

Late Night From 11/11
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Happy Veterans Day. President Obama today honored our oldest living veteran, who is 107 years old. So congratulations to Senator John McCain."

"A new record was set today in the 100 meters. It was set by Senate Democrats running away from Obamacare."

"President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage."

"According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. Here's the great part: if you're interested in the job, no need to submit a resume; they have all your information already. They will call you."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant."

"Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring."

Tue, Nov 26, 2013

#2832

Late Night From 11/11
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview today, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie. Afterward, Christie told Palin, 'Thanks, I owe you one.'"

"It is Veterans Day. A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see the president finally getting along so well with John McCain."

"This week's climate change talks are taking place in Poland and they're going to focus on China, the world's biggest polluter. However, that discussion may get awkward on Wednesday when China buys Poland."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"This is a crazy coincidence. On Friday, Joe Biden took an Amtrak train to Delaware and wound up sitting next to Whoopi Goldberg. Biden said what it's like making millions of Americans laugh every day? And then Whoopi said I was going to ask you the same question."

Wed, Nov 27, 2013

#2833

Late Night From 11/02
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old. Today President Obama told him he can finally come home from Afghanistan."

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'"

"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'"

"German veterinarians have a tortoise moving again after giving him a Lego wheel as a prosthetic limb. That Obamacare is amazing, isn't it? It's just helping everyone."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"'60 Minutes' had a story that turned out not to be true about Benghazi. They had to apologize. And then today they were embarrassed again. It turns out the stopwatch on '60 Minutes' is not accurate."

"A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey."

Thu, Nov 28, 2013

#2834

Late Night From 11/02
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if you enter your information and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare."

"Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China."

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"It just came out that President Obama brings a portable security tent with him on overseas trips so that he can read classified documents. He sets up a tent in his hotel room. Obama said it's a good way to avoid being spied on while he keeps track of who he has spied on."

Fri, Nov 29, 2013

#2835

Late Night From 11/13

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with various leaders of the American Indian tribes. He promised them, 'If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man.'"

"On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind."

"According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico."

"You know that smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov? She asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her – at Healthcare.gov."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"It seems like everyone's still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said 'But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again.'"

"It turns out that a lot of children could lose their dental insurance under Obamacare. So kids might not be able to go to the dentist. Parents were really upset, while kids said, 'Four more years! Four more years!'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted last week to having smoked crack while in office. Since then he has said multiple times that he will not step down. Legally they can't force him to. The city council held a meeting to vote on whether or not to ask him to resign. That seems very Canadian to me."

Sat, Nov 30, 2013

#2836

Late Night From 11/14
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Here in New York City we have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He's 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She's a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice."

"The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He's a former leprechaun."

"They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, it's nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer."

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He's like your drunk uncle who is fun but you're just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"At a press conference President Obama talked about Healthcare.gov and he said buying health insurance is never going to be as easy as buying a song on iTunes. The answer is simple. Fire the website people and hire the people at iTunes. There you go. Couldn't be easier."

"According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as 'not honest.' That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history."

Sun, Dec 01, 2013

#2837

Late Night From 11/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn't get in. Then Obama said, 'But when you do, let us know how you did it!'"

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate's immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It's always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement."

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment."

Conan O'Brien
"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle."

Mon, Dec 02, 2013

#2838

Late Night From 11/15
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"According to a report released yesterday, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I can't believe that. There's not a million people in California who have CAR insurance."

"President Obama apologized for this whole healthcare debacle. He said today, 'We fumbled.' Well, a fumble is a turnover. That can happen to anyone. This is more like, 'We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football.'"

"Toronto's city council voted 39-3 to strip Mayor Rob Ford of some of his powers. Here's the amazing part. The mayor and his brother are being given their own reality show. That's depressing, isn't it? This maniac will have a TV show and I won't."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It's the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It's virtually impossible."

"So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there."

"America Recycles Day is a special day. It's the day that Al Gore lands on roofs with a reusable bag of kale for all the good boys and girls. He usually gets stuck in the chimney."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'"

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it."

Tue, Dec 03, 2013

#2839

Late Night From 11/15
Part 2

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"This week we found out how many people have signed up for Obamacare on the federal website. Out of 15 million uninsured, they signed up 26,794. To give you an idea, Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that."

"This was kind of tough week for liberals. Firs the 60 Minutes thing, they were bullsh*tting, and then Obama had to eat crow on Obamacare. I just want you liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods, and gay sex, so everything is not lost."

"How f***ing hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up; four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush."

"That is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. When Republicans shut down the government, it's on purpose."

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane."

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some points we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries."

"Oamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, 'Okay, you know what? You want your sh*tty, crummy plans? You can have them!' You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you're covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'"

"And one reason he had to do this was that Bill Clinton opened his big fat vegan mouth, and said Obama should let people keep their crappy insurance, even if screwed up the whole system. You know what? If you're a Democrat, the Clintons are a pre-existing condition."

"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'"

"I don't blame Obama for being fed up. Today he said I'm taking a page out of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's playbook. He said, 'This is not my fault. I was in one of my drunken stupors.'"

“Toronto City Council yesterday stripped him of his powers – whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack – because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant said 'Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too s***faced to get it up.'"

"New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that if the Obamacare website doesn't work, that must mean Obamacare itself doesn't work. That's like saying the ice cream's no good because you can't find a spoon."

Wed, Dec 04, 2013

#2840

Late Night From 11/18
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
"How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do."

"Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost 'only' $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, 'You guys stink at running a business.'"

Thu, Dec 05, 2013

#2841

Late Night From 11/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there."

"The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there."

"Toronto's city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, 'I am definitely not leaving this job.' Hey Mr. Mayor, that's what I used to say!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more."

"Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about."

"Every time he's in public, Rob Ford does something great. He's my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season. "

"I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they're nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together."

Fri, Dec 06, 2013

#2842

Late Night From 11/19
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
"There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline."

"According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email."

"So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It's all paid by tax dollars."

Conan O'Brien
"Today's the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it's also Larry King's birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, 'Didn't talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'"

"President Obama is being criticized for not attending today's ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's 'Sorry about this crappy website' speech."

"Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town."

Sat, Dec 07, 2013

#2843

Late Night From 11/19
Part 2

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he's not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he'd choose, he said, 'Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night.'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left."

"Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We're very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that's how many people have signed up for Obamacare."

"Vice President Joe Biden said today, 'Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing.' Today God said, 'Hey, keep me out of this. You're on your own on this one.'"

Sun, Dec 08, 2013

#2844

Late Night From 11/20
Part 1

Conan O'Brien
"Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama's impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion."

"Everyone is talking about Toronto's crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here's how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman."

"Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He's 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama."

Mon, Dec 09, 2013

#2845

Late Night From 11/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto."

"Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a 'mere figurehead' – which still sounds better than 'crackhead.'"

"To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto."

"The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore's Current TV, which it replaced. That's how you know you're boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"It's been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It's so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there's any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama."

"Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term 'Obamacare,' when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they're calling it 'The Affordable Care Act.' Americans were like, 'Just let us know when you can call it 'fixed.'"

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday."

Tue, Dec 10, 2013

#2846

Late Night From 11/26
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama just can't catch a break. He gave an immigration speech yesterday in San Francisco and got heckled by a guy yelling something about stopping deportations. Obama was cool, he said the man was entitled to free speech, and then he turned to his security and said, "Deport that guy."

The big news this week is that the U.S. finally got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange, the U.S. has freed up $8 billion of Iran's assets. When asked how it plans to spend the money, Iran said, "We're going to buy nuclear weapons."

A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football.

Wed, Dec 11, 2013

#2847

Late Night From 11/26
Part 2

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's a big night tonight, the finale of "Dancing with the Stars." I don't know if you’ve been following the show, but the comedian was eliminated. Bill had the grace and easy elegance of a squirrel getting electrocuted.

On Juan-uary 5, a new season of "The Bachelor" begins. We have two words for you, America: Juan Pablo. He’s so cute, my gosh. Here is one more word: Juanderful. And Juan-in-a-million. Whoever came up with that should be sent to Juan-tanamo Bay.

It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. And I'm going to start dinner by telling my parents I'm gay. It never gets old!

After Thanksgiving, we take a nose-dive into what is probably the worst day of the year, Black Friday. Some shoppers have been sleeping outside the stores since Monday of last week. That's nuts — and a very good way to get on the local news.

Thu, Dec 12, 2013

#2848

Late Night From 11/26
Part 3

The Late Show with David Letterman
I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie "Hunger Games." He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating.

Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along — and then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the oven, and she's tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we're all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring.

For the very first time, the Butterball turkey hotline has included male operators to answer questions. Depending on your turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache.

Fri, Dec 13, 2013

#2849

Late Night From 11/26
Part 4

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.

You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.

The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.

When President Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Now don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work.

Sat, Dec 14, 2013

#2850

Late Night From 12/02

Conan O'Brien
One of the biggest movies to come out this weekend was the Disney movie, "Frozen," which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website.

In Nevada, where prostitution is legal — true story — prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, "Let me help you with your co-pay."

This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?

In California, a 90-year-old grandmother celebrated her birthday by going skydiving. Not intentionally. She just kind of wandered off the plane.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane.

You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray.

The drones will allow Amazon to make deliveries in 30 minutes or less, or we will be on the phone with a customer service rep saying, where is the drone? I ordered this thing an hour ago! Hopefully they can attach pizzas to this.

Barbara Walters revealed her list of the most fascinating people of the year: Robin Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence, the cast of Duck Dynasty, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Edward Snowden, and Pope Frances. What an honor it must be for the Pope!

A new annual report called the Youthful Cities Index has determined that Toronto is the world's most youthful city. They judge on diversity, entertainment options, public spaces, and does your mayor smoke crack. The world's oldest city, the world's least most youthful city? Metamucilton, Illinois.

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