Jokes of the day

2801 - 2825

Newest

Sat, Oct 26, 2013

#2801

Late Night From 10/05

Weekend Update - SNL
"Congress this week failed to agree on a budget deal, which led to a government shutdown, the first since 1995. So basically, the government shuts down every time Arsenio (Hall) gets a TV show." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Because of the government shutdown, the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage. Giving new meaning to the phrase 'you've got a bogie on your tail." –Seth Meyers

"Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Winner: the Tea Party. It's always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You're like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power." -Cecily Strong

"Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Loser, the Obamacare website, which had technical issues all week because of too much web traffic. You can't campaign on the fact that millions don't have health care and then be surprised that millions don't have health care. How could you not be ready? That's like 1-800-Flowers getting caught off guard by Valentine's Day." -Cecily Strong

"Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

Sun, Oct 27, 2013

#2802

Late Night From 10/07
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Winter Olympics are four months away from today but the Olympic torch is already being run. After the official lighting ceremony in Greece, the torch arrived in Russia this weekend and it ran into a little snag. The wind blew it out. That would never have happened if they had used the new Olympic e-torch.

I think if the Olympic torch blows out they should have to run it back to Greece and start over.

The guy carrying the Olympic torch got a light from a security guard. I love that a guy running with a global symbol of athleticism needed help from somebody with a cigarette lighter. What a proud day for smokers all over the world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn't coming and raised twice as much money.

A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, “Are you SURE I wasn't born in Kenya?”

Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, “Discrimination is just wrong.”

Mon, Oct 28, 2013

#2803

Late Night From 10/07
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn't been invented?

In Philadelphia, a historic tavern — a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.

According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do — like running the government.

The big TV rumor is that the TLC network is about to cancel the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" — finally a shutdown we can all get behind!

The Late Show with David Letterman
CBS has announced that I'm renewing my contract. Here's what it came down to — after talking about it, my family decided they wanted to spend less time with me.

The new hundred-dollar bill is different. First of all, it's only worth $10.

Financial purists and monetary purists are upset because Ben Franklin, who has long been on the hundred-dollar bill, has been replaced by Ben Affleck.

You know who was on the "Today" show singing and twerking and hopping around and stuff? Miley Cyrus. The rumor is that Miley is pregnant. So that means now she's twerking for two.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.

It's Nobel Prize week. Today's prize was for medicine. Winning the Nobel Prize immediately transforms you from being an unknown scientist into a household name. Isn't that right, 2012 winners John Gurdon and Shinya Yamanaka?

Cell discoveries made by these scientists could lead to new treatment for diabetes. When Honey Boo Boo's family heard that, they immediately got on the phone with the Nobel committee. Little Honey Boo Boo has already started learning Swedish.

Tue, Oct 29, 2013

#2804

Late Night From 10/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across."

"President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn't stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport."

"Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year's election and he said it looks pretty good." –Jay Leno

"Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Today is the eighth day of the government shutdown with no end in sight. A small group of Republicans are refusing to allow the vote. President Obama called to reiterate that there will be no budge in budget."

"Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare. Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam."

Wed, Oct 30, 2013

#2805

Late Night From 10/09

The Late Show with David Letterman
"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?"

"At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee – 'Choffee.' Governor Chris Christie said: 'Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn't that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty."

"Americans adults scored below the national average on math, reading and problem-solving skills. Do we need a test to know that we're not good at problem-solving. Can't we look at these morons in Washington and the shutdown and figure that out?"

"What the difference between the government and Motel 6? Motel 6 can afford to keep the lights on."

"This shutdown is so bad, Harry Reid was forced to take a part-time job as an extra on The Walking Dead."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other quote 'rabbits in our hat.' Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear."

"Yesterday, Iran's President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting 'Death to America' because he thinks it's too harsh of a statement. Then the Iranian people were like, 'Paper cuts to America?"

Thu, Oct 31, 2013

#2806

Late Night From 10/10
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?

China issued a warning because we owe them $1.3 trillion. If we default, they have threatened to cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids.

A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.

National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym — the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There’s a new restaurant in New York that doesn’t let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, "Table for 200 please?"

Researchers say there might be diamonds on both Jupiter and Saturn. Apparently, the diamonds form on the planets because of immense pressure. So it's nice to know that planets get diamonds for the same reason husbands do on Earth.

A new James Bond novel came out this week, and the author says it will feature a more mature Bond than audiences are used to. You can tell he’s getting older by the book’s title: “The Spy Who Was Home by 7 to Watch 'Jeopardy.'"

A new study found that dogs can actually feel genuine love for their owners. While cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you.

Fri, Nov 01, 2013

#2807

Late Night From 10/10
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The other day California's health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry was announced this week. It was awarded to Senator Ted Cruz for mixing up that batch of Kool-Aid that the Republicans seem to be drinking on Capitol Hill.

As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, "I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table." Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table.

Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a "Braveheart" moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: "Ransom."

The Late Show with David Letterman
They passed out the Nobel Prize for medicine. It went to the doctor who developed a pill that will allow you to keep up with the Kardashians.

The Nobel Prize for fiction went to the JetBlue flight schedule.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry once again went to the Yankee Stadium hot dog.

The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to Bruce and Chris Jenner.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The government has been shut down for 10 days now. The shutdown has lasted longer than Kris Jenner's talk show.

The shutdown is almost as painful as Kris Jenner's talk show. I know about painful talk shows, by the way.

Today the Nobel Prize for literature went to Alice Munro, regarded as the "master of the short story." The Nobel Prize in literature is very important because the winner is guaranteed huge sales and interviews that will be talked about for years. No, wait, that's Oprah's Book Club.

Ernest Hemingway once won the Nobel Prize for literature. Hemingway told an interviewer that the Nobel Prize was his second greatest achievement. I don't know what the first one was, probably catching a big fish while drunk.

Sat, Nov 02, 2013

#2808

Late Night From 10/11
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama."

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants." –Jay Leno

Sun, Nov 03, 2013

#2809

Late Night From 10/11
Part 2

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black."

"Republicans' Thanksgiving is a little different; before eating they go around the table and everybody says what they're hateful for."

"There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'moron trifecta.'"

"Here's the idea: Step 1, stop paying our bills. Step 2, everything's fine. The last guy who tried this was Wesley Snipes."

"People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'"

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better."

"Half the Republicans hate Ted Cruz real bad. In fact, Peter King said, 'No one has done more to strengthen Obamacare than Ted Cruz. But the other half of the Republicans, the truly crazy ones, they loves themselves some Ted Cruz. He is the Tea Party's dream candidate; he is a Sarah Palin that doesn't lactate."

"Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention. Oh, it's a great convention they have. It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum. The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus."

"There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama."

"Remember, the government shutdown isn't bad for all. Salmonella is doing great."

"New Rule: I know we can't establish a religious test for office, but if you believe we're living in the End Times like Michele Bachmann does, we get to take away the car keys. Yes, let Jesus take the wheel. If you think the world is about to end, that's your right, but you don't get to vote on next year's budget, because it doesn't concern you."

"New Rule: If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral. How can he resist? Funerals have the two things he loves the most: crying and an open bar."

"New Rule: Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder. Yes, since Obama was elected Bill O'Reilly has written three books about killing major historical figures. And Bill, I agree - how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards. You surely did a great service pointing this out, and I look forward to your new children's book… Killing the Cat in the Hat."

Mon, Nov 04, 2013

#2810

Late Night From 10/14

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"It's day 15 of the government shutdown. President Obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. Part of the problem is that Republicans can't even agree among themselves on what they want. Which means Obama doesn't know what to tell them they can't have."

"The effects of the shutdown are being felt in the White House vegetable garden. Because the gardeners have been furloughed, the vegetables are starting to rot. Is it possible that President Obama intentionally engineered the shutdown just so he would have an excuse to eat a cheeseburger?"

"Today was day 14 of the government shutdown. I am starting to forget what it is like to have a government. There was a guy with big ears and a suit who talked about hope. That is all gone."

"Just when you think that Congress could not do anything less, they manage to. At this point the government is like a house on Halloween that turns out the lights and leaves a bowl of candy on the front porch."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack – by squirrels. They've invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees."

'A lot of people got mad when Michelle Obama expanded the White House garden. That just shows you some people don't know their history. When Eleanor Roosevelt grew a garden, it was a 'victory garden.' But when Michelle Obama does it, it's a 'communist plot.'"

"When I first heard the White House was under attack by freaky rodents, I thought, 'What's Ann Coulter done now?'"

"This kind of thing would never have happened under George W. Bush because Dick Cheney would have been on the White House lawn blasting the squirrels with a shotgun."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"There was a Columbus Day parade here in New York City. Columbus thought he landed in India. Instead he landed in the Bahamas. If he were alive today he'd be running an Italian cruise ship."

How many of you are only here because you had trouble signing up for Obamacare?

Over the weekend I got on the computer and I tried to sign up for Obamacare. I had no trouble whatsoever. I signed right up for Obamacare and ordered six months of Mexican Viagra.

Tue, Nov 05, 2013

#2811

Late Night From 10/15

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is yet another bad day for the American government. It's still shut down — Shut down like the New York Giants.

I can't believe it's Columbus day already. I haven't even taken down my Arbor Day decorations.

Columbus Day, of course, is the day we pay tribute to the most exciting city in central Ohio.

Wed, Nov 06, 2013

#2812

Late Night From 10/16

Conan O'Brien
President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz."

"Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot."

"In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building."

"Some of these guys in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. If you pick up a gun and don't shoot yourself in the leg with it, that's not really an achievement."

"The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we'll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can't we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government, and feel the wind in our national hair?"–Jimmy Kimmel

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn."

"The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By 'everyone' of course I mean China."

"MSNBC said the end of the shutdown would be a win for Democrats. Fox News said it would be a win for Republicans. CNN said – I don't know. Nobody watches that, do they?"

"I'm glad the shutdown is over. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that now is not the time to point fingers. Well, let me know when it is. I've got one for him and the rest of Congress. Tell me the right time and I'll send it right to you, you incompetent buffoons!"

Thu, Nov 07, 2013

#2813

Late Night From 10/17

Conan O'Brien
In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.

Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

After the shutdown debacle, the tea party's approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it's the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.

Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.

The Late Show with David Letterman
There have been no murders in New York City for eight days in a row. Crime has diminished so greatly that I can't remember the last time I was forced at gunpoint to dig my own grave.

Donald Trump is on the program tonight. We are very lucky. It's almost impossible to get this guy in front of a camera.

People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.

I don't think Donald Trump will run for governor of New York. He's too busy firing D-list celebrities.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's the first day with the government back. The shutdown's over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.

Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven't had a single visitor. To be fair, it's like that all the time.

This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who'd been out of work during the shutdown. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One's a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton's going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.

As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.

Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn't exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn't exist.

Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.

Fri, Nov 08, 2013

#2814

Late Night From 10/18
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
"People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary."

Conan O'Brien
“After the shutdown debacle, the tea party's approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it's the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.”

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.”

“Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.”

“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
“The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusiveboyfriend or something.”

“As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.”

“Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn't exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn't exist.”

“Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
“It's the first day with the government back. The shutdown's over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.”

“Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven't had a single visitor. To be fair, it's like that all the time.”

“This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who'd been out ofwork during the shutdown. Haven't those people suffered enough?”

“Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One's a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton's going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.”

"In a new interview, Anthony Weiner said if this was 1995 and the Internet didn't exist, he would have won the race for mayor of New York. Yeah, if that was 1995, you'd have your penis stuck in a fax machine."

The Late Show with David Letterman
“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.”

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Americans Said When The Government Reopened"

10. "It was closed?"
9. "Is it under new management?"
8. "Nice going, guys! Treat yourselves to a vacation"
7. "No idea what was accomplished but I assume I have to pay higher taxes"
6. "How will this affect funny racecar drivers?"
5. "John McCain can get back to playing poker on his iPhone"
4. "Does this mean Ted Cruz will stop ralking?"
3. "They don't pull this kind of crap in Belarus"
2. "Only four months till the next shutdown"
1. "Great -- I just paid for Chinese lessons"

Sat, Nov 09, 2013

#2815

Late Night From 10/21

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor — not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.

The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he's bringing in "the best and the brightest" to solve the problem. Why didn't he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.

The president said, "There's no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.” See, that's a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.

Only in America can you be broke and get fatter. You know why? Because we sugarcoat everything.

Conan O'Brien
President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn't-think-this-through.

As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, "How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?"

Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Apparently she did this in the New Releases section.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: "Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever."

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: "Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever."

It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?

Facebook had a major outage this morning. Users around the world experienced a variety of problems. Some couldn't log in, some couldn't upload photos. I was trying to find actually babies and sunsets to look at.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.

There are reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently bought the four houses around his home so that he could have extra privacy. He is going to be so peeved when somebody tells him about curtains.

Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you're less than four feet tall, you can't ride a slide. In North Korea, if you're less than four feet tall, you can run the country.

A new study found that ancient cave art from 40,000 years ago was mostly done by women. So even back then men didn't have a say in decorating.

Sun, Nov 10, 2013

#2816

Late Night From 10/22
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a 'k' like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn't, so we don't."

"There's a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it's hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?"

"In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, 'This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'"

Daily Show with Jon Stewart Jon Stewart on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues "wacko birds": "You don't get to complain!! McCain, you don't get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don't come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008]. You opened Pandora's Box! You were the guy who gave the Mogwai a post-midnight all-you-can-eat buffet! [wild audience applause] You don't get to complain that now the party's overrun with gremlins!"

Mon, Nov 11, 2013

#2817

Late Night From 10/22
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice."

"A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"They're still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can't use the Internet and you can't use the phone. And now fax machines are like, 'Look who's come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.'"

"The country's unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website." "

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join Al Qaeda. Here's the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare."

"Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it's confusing because it's not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you'll be when you finally log in."

"Here's my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it's taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that's slower than sending something by mail."

"Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that's under the good coverage of Obamacare – where you're actually taken care of personally by Obama. That's the platinum package."

Tue, Nov 12, 2013

#2818

Late Night From 10/23

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. While the guys from the Geek Squad said, 'Turn it off, wait five seconds, and then plug it back in.'"

"Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT."

"With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it's going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, 'Can you share some of the drugs you're on with the rest of us?'"

"Here's some more news out of Washington. The White House has fired one of its national security officials for setting up an anonymous Twitter account that was leaking internal information. President Obama called the invasion of privacy 'unacceptable,' while Americans called it 'karma.'"

Conan O'Brien
"Despite all of the website problems, the approval rating for Obamacare has gone up. Unfortunately, I can't give you the exact number because it's listed on the Obamacare website."

"Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. The Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of 'Flip This Church.'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The Obama administration has now asked Verizon to help fix the Obamacare website. Verizon wasn't the president's first choice. He initially reached out to T-Mobile, but they dropped the call."

"Consumer Reports is now recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? When was the last time the government fixed anything in a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea, OK?"

"A new book claims that John F. Kennedy's brain was stolen by his brother Bobby. That seems almost unbelievable, doesn't it? – that there was once a time in this country when politicians actually had brains worth stealing."

Wed, Nov 13, 2013

#2819

Late Night From 10/24

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
People have been speculating lately about what President Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule out — website designer.

Some marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they are making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.

What the president should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.

Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

Conan O'Brien
There's been a lot of speculation but now it's clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn't work.

One of the contractors who built the Obamacare website testified before Congress today. You can tell he built the site because any time they would ask a question, he would freeze.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said the U.S. would have to regain her trust after the NSA eavesdropped on her cellphone. You know things are bad when we're being accused of having boundary issues by Germany.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night was game one of the World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and Boston Red Sox. I'll tell you one thing: These players need to shave. If I want to see a bunch of bearded men battling for a ring, I will watch "The Hobbit."

YouTube has an interesting new way of making money. They are allowing users who have 10,000 subscribers to set up their own paid YouTube channels. My one complaint about YouTube has always been that it's free.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was in the Oval Office to meet with Obama and Joe Biden. Obama said, “It's an honor to have you here,” while Biden said, "Hello, I'm not supposed to talk.”

There's talk that Apple is getting ready to stop making the iPod now that users can listen to music on their phones. Yeah, they say the product is quickly becoming dated and obsolete — and then RadioShack said, “We'll take a billion of 'em!”

A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

Thu, Nov 14, 2013

#2820

Late Night From 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down."

"I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em."

"The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Another scandal with the National Security Agency, the NSA. You know how they've been accused of spying on Americans? Well, it just came out that they actually spied on 35 world leaders. Yeah, it was 34 prime ministers and Oprah."

"A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, 'Oh man, I hope I don't find out about this!'"

"A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right."

Fri, Nov 15, 2013

#2821

Late Night From 10/28

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to."

"The White House said today that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it's so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy's 'Gangnam Style' video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!"

"Have you tried to log on to the Obamacare website? It's slow. It is slower than my watch during an interview with Paris Hilton."

"The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It's not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?"

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!"

"Today Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama."

"The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies 'is not acceptable.' Then Obama said, 'Yeah, well that's not what you said to England.'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany's Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full."

"If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway."

"They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds."

Sat, Nov 16, 2013

#2822

Late Night From 10/29

The Late Show with David Letterman
"President Obama's Facebook account was hacked. It was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, 'Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?'"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered."

"Have you tried to get on the Obamacare website? Oh, it is slow! It is so slow that by the time you sign up for Obamacare you'll be eligible for Medicare. It's slower than a ticket scalper at a Jacksonville Jaguars game."

"For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing."

Conan O'Brien
"We are posting online many of our rare or never-before-seen clips from the show's past 20 years. You can see them online but if you really want a laugh, go to HealthCare.gov. That's where the good chuckles are."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Obama is also being criticized for the Obamacare website. You know what's wrong with that website? A lot of the people trying to sign up for Obamacare are elderly. So you've already lost them at 'website.'"

"President Obama is still in trouble for this spying stuff. You can tell he is getting tired of talking about this scandal. Today he said, 'Anyone want to talk about my birth certificate?'"

Sun, Nov 17, 2013

#2823

Late Night From 10/30

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It's impossible, and everybody's furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won't get started."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"It's really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we'd be able to afford treatment."

"Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, 'If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.' The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful."

"A lot of people are accusing the president of being less than truthful. In fact, a couple of weeks ago President Obama called me and told me personally that if I like my current job, I can keep my current job. And I believed him!"

"The president said he didn't know that we were spying on our allies. He didn't know about the problems with the healthcare website. Have you heard the latest? Now the president claims he doesn't know how 'Breaking Bad' ended."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams' top story was just a picture of his cat."

Mon, Nov 18, 2013

#2824

Late Night From 11/01

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Six kids showed up for Halloween with no costumes at all, just dressed like ordinary people. They said, 'We're the six people who signed up for Obamacare on the first day.'"

"According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare."

"This is my favorite part. Hand to God, this is the absolute truth. The White House said that the number six is not official. Really, aren't they better off saying nothing? Not official? What, if we wait it could go as high as seven?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Last night the Obamas gave out dried fruit to more than 5,000 trick-or-treaters. In a related story, today workers outside the White House had to sweep up a bunch of dried fruit."

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"I love Halloween; I call it Atheist Christmas."

"The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies." –on President Obama's promise that all Americans who like their health insurance plans would be able to keep them

"Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we're going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they're there?"

"New Rule: Before the Wall Street Journal publishes another editorial by health care ‘expert’ Suzanne Somers claiming Obamacare is a socialist Ponzi scheme, they have to find one person who actually lost weight using a Thighmaster. She sells a metal spring for thirty bucks and Obamacare’s a scam?"

Tue, Nov 19, 2013

#2825

Late Night From 11/04

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he's winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said 'margarine.'"

"Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Did you all turn your clocks back an hour over the weekend? It is easy to remember 'spring ahead, fall back.' It's like trying to log on to Obamacare. You spring ahead, make a little progress, then you fall back."

"According to CBS news, on the first day of open enrollment for Obamacare, only six people signed up. Today they released their names: They are Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doc. That's according to the creator of the website: Dopey." –Jay Leno

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able to sign up for 'PutinCare.'"

"According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa."

"It's been a big year for Vladimir Putin. People magazine also named him the sexiest dictator alive."

Top of page