Jokes of the day

2776 - 2800

Newest

Tue, Oct 01, 2013

#2776

Late Night From 09/12
Part 2

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan."

"The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?"

"Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically."

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes."

"How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it's the Pope!"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It's called 'Lame Duck Dynasty.'"

"Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, 'not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him.' Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving."

Wed, Oct 02, 2013

#2777

Late Night From 09/12
Part 3

Conan O'Brien
"Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people."

"Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen."

"Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state."

"A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'"

"Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay."

Thu, Oct 03, 2013

#2778

Late Night From 09/13

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"I am with the majority who don't want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don't want to start new s**t in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: 'Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'"

"This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World." (President Obama's position on Syria)

"McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up."

"The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black."

"The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. "

"The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store." –Bill Maher

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher

"Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus."

"It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'"

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger."

"New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he'd lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, 'What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?'"

"New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they're a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they're actually doing is f**king nothing."

Fri, Oct 04, 2013

#2779

Late Night From 09/18
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert."

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
"You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country's peculiar relationship with guns, it's that the phrase 'minor shooting incident' exists." (on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents)

Sat, Oct 05, 2013

#2780

Late Night From 09/18
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
"President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, 'Not because of a budget impasse but because we'll all be watching the last episode of 'Breaking Bad.'"

"The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, 'It's our job to rob you guys.'"

"Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?"

"North Korea says it's ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it's going to be pretty awkward - not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman."

"Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA's spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn't help when Brazil called to say they weren't coming and the White House was like, 'Yeah, we heard.'"

Sun, Oct 06, 2013

#2781

Late Night From 09/16

Conan O'Brien
For the first time ever, Miss America is a woman of Indian descent. The judge asked her three questions: Why do you want to be Miss America?, What will you do with the prize?, and How do I get my laptop to reboot?

Vladimir Putin wrote that America should not view itself as exceptional. I disagree. Hey, Russia, we invented jazz and the elevators it plays in. We're the geographic sweet spot between frostbite and beheadings. Our roulette is way better than your roulette. And when you rearrange the letters in "Russia" — you get "USA, Sir!"

There's a new exercise trend out there. It's people using twerking to get fit. In just six weeks you can lose 10 pounds and your dignity.

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. Another warning sign is if the kid asks for his milk on the rocks.

"Joe Biden's niece was arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that's all behind us now, huh?"

"USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it 'Bidencare.'"

For the first time an Indian-American has won Miss America. A 24-year-old named Nina Davuluri won by answering a question no one else could possible answer: “What is the name of last year's Miss America?”

California's legislature approved a bill allowing drivers licenses for illegals. I've got a better idea. Instead of giving them new licenses let's take away the licenses from people like Dina Lohan and Lamar Odom. Give them those licenses.

Dairy farmers now warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year. Milk could be as much as $6 a gallon. Today Senator John McCain outlined a new plan to invade Wisconsin.

"According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion – thus establishing itself as the federal government's most efficient program."

"That's right, 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'" –Stephen Colbert, on the fake outrage over Indian-American Nina Davuluri being crowned Miss America, after it was reported there were 705 tweets that mentioned "Miss America terrorist"

Mon, Oct 07, 2013

#2782

Late Night From 09/17

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Joe Biden has people talking that he'll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze."

Saturday night was the big fight in Las Vegas between Floyd Mayweather and Canelo Alvarez. Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne actually walked Floyd Mayweather to the ring. It really psyched out Alvarez. When he saw the three of them together he was like, “I don't know who to hit first.”

Yesterday, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco actually missed the birth of his son so that he could play with his team against the Browns. It was 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Not the baby — the diamond Flacco had to buy his wife to make up for it.

Russia apparently has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Because if there's one thing that'll keep gay people out of your country, it's holding a free Cher concert.

Actually, Cher says she turned down Russia's invitation to perform because of the government's anti-gay laws. Russia said it’s no big deal. They'll just move on to their second choice: Liza Minnelli.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We have a new Miss America. Nina Davuluri is the first Miss America of Indian-American heritage. A lot of people say having an Indian-American as Miss America is a sign of progress. I think it is. We should pat ourselves on the back for objectifying women without regard to ethnicity.

The big controversy in the pageant this year was that Miss Kansas had tattoos. Miss America's main competitor is the Miss USA Pageant, which is run by Donald Trump. Trump said tattoos made Miss Kansas look silly. Then he stuck his head into a cotton candy machine to whip up a fresh batch of hair.

"The United Nations General Assembly was called to order. The streets of Manhattan were jammed with people in strange clothes, yelling in weird languages. Then the U.N. got started."

Tue, Oct 08, 2013

#2783

Late Night From 09/20
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
This week the Kardashians are filming their Christmas episode. It’s a reality show, so they want to keep it real.

I know Christmas in September seems a little weird, but by the time December rolls around, Khloe is in hibernation.

A plane had to make an emergency landing in France because a dozen Scottish passengers wouldn't stop dancing. The police have released a statement saying that alcohol may have been a factor. Now, I am Scottish. I KNOW alcohol was a factor. There is no "may" about this.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Kardashians insist their show is real and not scripted. It's a real look at their lives. Well, Kim, Khloe, and Kris posted pictures on Instagram shooting the Kardashian Christmas episode — in September.

That's why it is so hard to keep up with the Kardashians. They're three months ahead of us.

As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

A high-ranking health official in Amsterdam is taking a strong stance against sugar. He says sugar is an addictive, dangerous drug that should be regulated by the government. He wants to put warning labels on sugar. This is coming from a place where you can get pot in your Happy Meal.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Powerball lottery was last night and somebody got a lot richer. A single winning ticket was sold in South Carolina for the $400 million grand prize. Lottery officials are urging that winner to sign the back of his ticket and then put it in a safe place. As opposed to what? Dipping it in hot sauce and eating it?

The creator of Beanie Babies has been fined $53 million for tax evasion. But, on the plus side, if he sells all of his Beanie Babies, he'll owe . . . probably about $53 million.

Two guys in New Hampshire were arrested after they tried to rob a group of people playing Bingo. Cops became suspicious when they saw a car driving away from the Bingo hall going more than 10 miles an hour.

Wed, Oct 09, 2013

#2784

Late Night From 09/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.

Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell Obama to “listen to your people." Is he the one to give advice about listening to his people? His people are shooting at him!

A Costco in Arizona is now selling a 60-year-old bottle of scotch for $17,000. You know what you can buy for $17,000 at Costco? Everything else at Costco.

Conan O'Brien
Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that's up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless.

Chicago has now surpassed New York City as the murder capital of the United States. That's really surprising since New York has twice as many NFL teams.

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, "Wait, there's more," and added another five years.

Thu, Oct 10, 2013

#2785

Late Night From 09/23

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"I've got every Obamacare repeal vote on bootleg. I trade tapes with all the other fans. We call ourselves 'Deadheads,' because without health insurance a lot of people will die."

Conan O'Brien
"Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he may seek a fourth term. Putin added, 'But that's up for the people to decide.' Then he laughed for ten minutes."

Fri, Oct 11, 2013

#2786

Late Night From 09/24
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare.

Tomorrow night AMC will begin airing a "Breaking Bad" marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. This is how it ends: Walter White dies in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.

At the U.N. this week, President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised President Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails.

President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he's talking about.

Conan O'Brien
Does anyone have the new iPhone? Analysts say Apple's actual manufacturing cost for the iPhone is $199. That's just parts though. When you add in labor, it's $200.

Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players' nicknames rather than their last names. Players like the nickname jersey because it's easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them.

Miley Cyrus went skydiving for the first time. Actually she started twerking on a plane and the other passengers threw her off.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today's the annual grand opening of the U.N. We have leaders from all over the world, and when they come here they have diplomatic immunity. They can do whatever they want, break any kind of laws. I saw a dictator today walking up Broadway carrying a 16-ounce soda.

Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin is in town. He's here to steal a World Series ring.

The U.N. deals with a lot of important issues. Today they spent the entire day trying to deal with that Ben Affleck as Batman thing.

At every U.N. session there's a special promotion. Tomorrow it's Angela Merkel bobblehead day.

Sat, Oct 12, 2013

#2787

Late Night From 09/26
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
When they say they're closing down the government, people get scared. I'll give you an example. Diana Nyad swam back to Cuba.

How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?

At one point Ted Cruz takes out "Green Eggs and Ham." He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.

President Obama is at the U.N. Everybody's in town. World leaders are coming and going. President Obama briefed all the other leaders on the Kardashian marriages.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Right now a postage stamp costs 46 cents. But they're proposing to raise it to 49 cents. That's only an increase of 3 cents. It doesn't sound like much, but when you multiply it by all the people who send letters, it could bring the post office upwards of $30.

The post office needs the cash. People don't send letters anymore. I'm old-fashioned. I send one letter a week. That's how I stay connected to my fan.

People who study postage stamps are called philatelists. That sounds dirty.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Dave Salmoni, wildcat expert from Animal Planet, brought a lion tonight. This is what I don't get. Our lawyers say if we want to drop cupcakes off the roof, they will make everyone wear helmets and goggles. But they have no problem with someone putting a live tiger on my desk.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand — at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and treated for exhaustion by Obamacare.

Ted Cruz read "Green Eggs and Ham" aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah's couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television.

In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn't accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-Span, so big that they're planning to run it again as a special over the weekend.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, "When will this end?" But then Chris Christie said, "When do we get those eggs and ham?"

Despite all of the controversy, President Obama says he's still moving forward with the healthcare law. In fact, the White House announced that residents of Florida will have 102 different insurance options when Obamacare rolls out. That's because if there's one thing people in Florida love, it's a confusing number of options.

A study found that New Yorkers are some of the most honest people in the world. In fact, today I saw a lady drop a $20 bill and this guy said with complete honesty, "I'm gonna take that."

Another study says parents are biologically programed to dislike their children's spouses. I asked my father-in-law if that was true, and he was like, "Not now, I'm watching "Craig Ferguson."

Sun, Oct 13, 2013

#2788

Late Night From 09/26
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, has been tweeting with a stripper in Oregon. He's a bachelor so when this news broke, he had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated." –David Letterman

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Breaking Bad" has its final episode on Sunday. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare.

In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That's impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, "Hey, what's new?"

In Russia a group of parents have asked Vladimir Putin to cancel an Elton John concert because they say it promotes a homosexual lifestyle. They say they don't want to see gay people on stage. They're going to replace it with a performance by the Bolshoi Ballet.

A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

Conan O'Brien
Miley Cyrus said she will never twerk again. Miley said there are too many other things she wants to try once and do badly.

In South Carolina, the winner of the latest Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I'm guessing it's that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.

The Bravo network has fired two of the "Real Housewives of Orange County." They were fired for being pleasant and courteous.

A new report finds Los Angeles to be one of the most energy-wasting cities in the country. Apparently the main culprit is my applause sign. That thing uses a lot of juice.

Mon, Oct 14, 2013

#2789

Late Night From 09/26
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is now making his case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. You know, like raising the speed limit does not increase speed."

"The post office wants a three-cent stamp increase to 49 cents. They say fewer and fewer people are using the post office and they're losing money. See, that's government thinking. Only the government would think, 'Hey, I know how to attract more customers. Let's raise the price.'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The post office just can't get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan — uninvent the Internet."

"Treasury Secretary Jack Lew just sent a letter to Congress, telling them that the government will run out of money on October 17. Congress said, 'Then why didn't you just send an email instead of buying those expensive new stamps?'"

Conan O'Brien
"There's a new issue of 'Cosmopolitan' that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called '10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy.'"

Tue, Oct 15, 2013

#2790

Sept. 27-28, 2013

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it."

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'"

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'"

"Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn't, it wouldn't even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid."

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick."

"Did you see Obama today, talking about talking to the president of Iran on the phone? For the first time since 1979 we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell."

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen."

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'"

Seth Meyers
"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed."

"Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment October 1. Because you know the old saying, 'If you can't beat them, kick the ball into the woods.'"

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square yesterday for twerking. And still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren't exceptional." –David Letterman

Wed, Oct 16, 2013

#2791

Late Night From 09/30
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The series finale of "Breaking Bad" was last night. More than 10 million people tuned in for that show. It ended with death, violence, and tragedy. Or as New York Giants fans put it, "Not the worst thing I saw on TV today."

Yesterday the Vikings and the Steelers played a game in London. Fans were like, "I wish we had our own NFL team?" And New Yorkers said, "You want two? We've got the Jets and Giants."

Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.

China is building an $8 billion movie studio to compete with Hollywood. They started by releasing American movies and renaming them. For example, they're releasing "The Lone Ranger" and they're renaming it "He Who Rides Horse in Bad Movie."

Thu, Oct 17, 2013

#2792

Late Night From 09/30
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Well, last night we got to see how "Breaking Bad" ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.

This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won't be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn't blinked since the last shutdown.

If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay — so more bad news for Joe Biden.

Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Happy birthday to former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 77 years old. They had a pretty good birthday party for the former prime minister. He was only Tasered twice.

Do you care that the U.S. government's shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly.

Even if the government shuts down, Americans don't care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.

The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They're going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You're not getting in. They're going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They're closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Last night 10.3 million people watched the series finale of "Breaking Bad." That's a lot of people. To give you an idea how many, take the number of people who watch this show and add 10.3 million.

Today on Twitter, celebrities posted reactions to the "Breaking Bad" finale. Rosie O'Donnell congratulated the cast. Zach Braff said it was an awesome ending. Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.

I haven't watched the "Breaking Bad" finale yet. I was doing standup in Las Vegas. Why watch meth addicts on TV when I can perform before an entire audience of them?

Last night in Hollywood they held a special screening of the "Breaking Bad" finale at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. A screening at a cemetery? It sold out quickly. People were dying to get in.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Who would have ever guessed that when it was all said and done, the show "Breaking Bad" would end up being a PSA warning about the health risk of using artificial sweeteners?

In one final burst, "Breaking Bad" character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.

Walter White built an oscillating machine gun that popped up out of the trunk and he killed all the skinheads at once. He was like "Methgyver" and tied up all the loose ends.

I hosted a Q & A with the "Breaking Bad" cast. There was a party afterwards. It was very strange to drink a beer with the group of Nazis I had just seen murdered. That was a first for me.

Fri, Oct 18, 2013

#2793

Late Night From 10/01
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won't get fixed, public employees won't be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult – but there will also be a lot of differences."

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'"

The Late Show with David Letterman
"The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here."

"Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem, that there's that many non-essential employees?"

"Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker."

"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off."

"Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don't worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends."

"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day."

"The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems."

Sat, Oct 19, 2013

#2794

Late Night From 10/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick."

"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?"

"I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in."

Conan O'Brien
"The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts."

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?"

"To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid."

"I want the names of the idiots who elected these people."

Sun, Oct 20, 2013

#2795

Late Night From 10/02
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now."

"Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who AREN'T federal workers put it, 'I'm a federal worker.'"

"Because the government doesn't have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you're someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid's coming – would an asteroid really make your life any worse?"

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter."

"You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. It's terrible. President Obama now down to just one teleprompter - that's how bad it is."

"It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That's how bad it is."

"It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That's how bad it's gotten."

"It's hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That's how bad it's gotten."

"At the TSA, they're making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That's how bad it's gotten."

"It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad."

"It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That's how bad it's gotten."

Mon, Oct 21, 2013

#2796

Late Night From 10/02
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government."

"This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Qaeda couldn't do that. Do you realize that?"

"And as you know, all nonessential employees were sent home – like President Obama's economic team."

"To all of you non-essential employees who have been forced out of your job: I work for NBC. I know how you feel."

"Do you understand this whole government shutdown thing? I mean, I know it's about President Obama's health care plan, but the Republicans are the ones making us bend over."

"And because of the shutdown, even the Smithsonian Institute is closed. And as a result, tourists who come to Washington and want to see historical relics... they're now being sent to John McCain's office."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating."

"They say it's a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when Bush was president."

"When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance."

Conan O'Brien
"People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, 'Ha ha you said 69.'"

"Fox News has started calling the government shutdown a 'government slimdown.' Also according to Fox News, none of the government workers have been furloughed, they just went to go live on a farm." –Conan O'Brien

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President."

"The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie."

"Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama's just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express."

"People have events in the national parks and they're canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park's black bears."

"Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible."

"So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that's only for Senators, and we can't all use that."

Tue, Oct 22, 2013

#2797

Late Night From 10/03
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?

Obamacare includes a new tax on indoor tanning salons. For most Americans, that's no big deal. But it made John Boehner very angry.

I'm with Boehner on this one. If we put a tax on tanning salons, more people will look pasty and white. The whole country is going to be whiter than Paula Deen's fan club.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full "Ironman" sequel per day.

We could be up to "Ironman 7" tomorrow.

Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.

Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Disney World said it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally, Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.

There’s a Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York. The games "Clue" and "Magic 8 Ball" are both finalists to be inducted this year — because if there's anything that defines the fun of toys, it's murder and a ball that crushes your dreams.

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck — or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

Wed, Oct 23, 2013

#2798

Late Night From 10/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything.

This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: "You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don’t care."

According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here’s the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has.

Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don’t have any geniuses.

Conan O'Brien
The new "Grand Theft Auto" video game has already made more money than every book sold in the last year. That explains why today J.K. Rowling announced a new book, "Harry Potter Hanging on to a Car Hood."

Two naval officers have been accused of bribery that included vacations, drugs, and Lady Gaga tickets. Two naval officers — In other words, that gays in the military thing is working out just fine.

In Ohio a drunk man with a 666 tattoo on his forehead was arrested for urinating inside a burrito shop. Ladies, you can find him on Match.com.

The Los Angeles district attorney has decided not to press charges against Justin Bieber for spitting on his neighbor because it was the neighbor's word against Bieber's. The D.A. said, "Frankly, I don't know who to belieb."

The Late Show with David Letterman
The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. And you know what that means: I'm now the only prima donna in town.

The opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang.

If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show.

President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.

Thu, Oct 24, 2013

#2799

Late Night From 10/04
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, 'Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'"

"Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there's anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it's the guy who lost to Barack Obama."

"A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, 'Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress."

Fri, Oct 25, 2013

#2800

Late Night From 10/04
Part 2

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government."

"Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn't work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare."

"One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, 'Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'"

"Shutdown, I've got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it's just a 'government slim down.' And they're also calling school shootings 'class size reductions.'" –Bill Maher

"A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner."

"The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around."

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs."

"I feel bad for Obama. He's trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he's starting to think that white people are just lazy."

The Late Show with David Letterman
"At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage."

"Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you're Frank Sinatra's son."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Happy TGIF – which stands for 'The Government's in Foreclosure.'"

"This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don't worry about that."

"President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn't want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it."

"Actually, it's the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?"

Top of page