Jokes of the day

2751 - 2775

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Fri, Sep 06, 2013

#2751

Late Night From 08/27
Part 1

The Late Show withDavid Letterman
"You see Miley Sunday night on the VMA thing, the MTV show? The White House is considering military intervention."

"Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger."

Sat, Sep 07, 2013

#2752

Late Night From 08/27
Part 2

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn't act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do."

"Anthony Weiner was involved in a three-way car accident over the weekend. One embarrassing moment when someone took out their cell phone camera to take photos of the damage and out of force of habit, he unzipped his fly."

Sun, Sep 08, 2013

#2753

Late Night From 08/27
Part 3

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me."

"I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn't a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama's birth certificate."

Mon, Sep 09, 2013

#2754

Late Night From 08/29
Part 1

The Late Show withDavid Letterman
Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it's a fraudulent operation. Here's all I know. It's the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping.

You know you are not at a top-rank university if the professor has a tip jar on his desk.

The Kardashian family — looks like now another marriage may be in trouble. They're saying now that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are having marital problems. And the state department says its warships are already rushing to the area.

Tue, Sep 10, 2013

#2755

Late Night From 08/29
Part 2

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Ben Affleck is the new Batman. And Miley Cyrus is apparently the new Lindsay Lohan.

People are still talking about that over-the-top Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs last Sunday. Why couldn’t Kanye West interrupt that?

John Kerry said it's "undeniable" that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, “Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.”

Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees' same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!

Wed, Sep 11, 2013

#2756

Late Night From 09/03
Part 1

David Letterman
"There is trouble at Charlie Sheen's birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there."


Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there's talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution."

"President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare."

"About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn't that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up."

"Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It's too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles."


Craig Ferguson
"Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, 'What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'"


Jimmy Kimmel
"Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning -- and with any luck, for good." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country."

"Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?"

Thu, Sep 12, 2013

#2757

Late Night From 09/03
Part 2

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago."


The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
"Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It's like I never left!" –Jon Stewart on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer

"Ah! See? The red line! You can't use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance."

"Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we're in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon."


Conan O'Brien
"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback."

"They're now making the first smartphone that's not made overseas. It's made in Texas. It's also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun." –Conan O'Brien

"I guess we're getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran." –David Letterman

Fri, Sep 13, 2013

#2758

Late Night From 09/04
Part 1

David Letterman
"Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we're going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?"


Jimmy Kimmel Live
"While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it's John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants."

"They announced the new cast of 'Dancing With the Stars' this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn."

"Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing."


David Letterman's "Top Ten John McCain Excuses"
10. "Leave me alone -- I'm a hundred years old"
9. "Can't gamble in casinos since getting caught counting cards"
8. "Relax, it's just a war hearing"
7. "Is Reagan upset?"
6. "I was on the phone with IBM headquarters in Dallas"
5. "Still able to pay attention to hearings on Iraq or Iran or whatever"
4. "At least it wasn't some sissy game like 'Bejeweled' "
3. "Someone has to win back our $17 trillion"
2. "Better idea than Palin"
1. "Calm down, it wasn't strip poker"

Sat, Sep 14, 2013

#2759

Late Night From 09/04
Part 2

Jimmy Fallon
"Mister peter tweeter, Anthony Weiner, got in a big confrontation with a voter in New York City today. Weiner said to this guy, 'You have no right to judge me.' Really? I don't think Weiner understands how voting works. That's what they're doing, they're judging you."

"Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it's not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards."

"McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn't even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. 'How'd I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what's for dinner?'"

"The new season of 'Sesame Street' will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, 'What time's that show on?'"

"A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it's true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did."

"Anthony Weiner turned 49 years old today, marking one of the two days of the year that Weiner is the one who is receiving lots of packages."


Conan O'Brien
"Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker."


The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
"You know what, Senator? Go. There's a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do." –Jon Stewart on McCain playing poker during a Senate hearing on Syria

Sun, Sep 15, 2013

#2760

Late Night From 09/04
Part 3

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light."

"Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria."


Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad, OK?"

"President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare."

"All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn't really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: 'Yes and no.'"

"President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no."

Mon, Sep 16, 2013

#2761

Late Night From 09/05
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The 2013 NFL season is about to begin. The Denver Broncos will host the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. They play the game tonight, and tomorrow night is the big two-hour result show.

Today also happens to be the first day of New York Fashion Week. This is an exciting time of the year in New York. The air gets crisper, the leaves start to change, and the skinny Lithuanian girls put on dresses worth more than their entire villages.

A lot of stars are here for New York Fashion Week. Leonardo DiCaprio is there checking out his next girlfriend.

A heat alert has been issued for Southern California. Is that necessary? Isn't the heat its own alert? But it is a concern here in L.A. because Botox boils when it gets to 100 degrees.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was the NFL's season opener, with the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens playing the Denver Broncos. Yeah, three hours of Peyton Manning — and that was just during the commercials.

I ordered a pizza while we were watching the game — which got weird when Tim Tebow delivered it.

Apple is expected to unveil the new iPhone at a press conference next Tuesday. Experts say it's similar to the current iPhone, but different enough to make you hate your current iPhone.

Tue, Sep 17, 2013

#2762

Late Night From 09/05
Part 2

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The 2013 NFL season is about to begin. The Denver Broncos will host the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. They play the game tonight, and tomorrow night is the big two-hour result show.

Today also happens to be the first day of New York Fashion Week. This is an exciting time of the year in New York. The air gets crisper, the leaves start to change, and the skinny Lithuanian girls put on dresses worth more than their entire villages.

A lot of stars are here for New York Fashion Week. Leonardo DiCaprio is there checking out his next girlfriend.

A heat alert has been issued for Southern California. Is that necessary? Isn't the heat its own alert? But it is a concern here in L.A. because Botox boils when it gets to 100 degrees.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was the NFL's season opener, with the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens playing the Denver Broncos. Yeah, three hours of Peyton Manning — and that was just during the commercials.

I ordered a pizza while we were watching the game — which got weird when Tim Tebow delivered it.

Apple is expected to unveil the new iPhone at a press conference next Tuesday. Experts say it's similar to the current iPhone, but different enough to make you hate your current iPhone.

Wed, Sep 18, 2013

#2763

Late Night From 09/05
Part 3

Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.

Don't worry. All of tonight's jokes have been written by my one gentile writer.

You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That's right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It's the same thing.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a "high" similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I'm just very happy to be here. I love CBS.

All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.

All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.

The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.

Thu, Sep 19, 2013

#2764

Late Night From 09/05
Part 4

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
NFL football came back tonight! Do a lot of you play fantasy football? Here’s an update: Tim Tebow is still fantasizing he’s an NFL quarterback.

Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.

Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.


Conan
Today is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers today.

Yesterday a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. He is survived by his wife and children.

A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane.

Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption," has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison.

Fri, Sep 20, 2013

#2765

Late Night From 09/06
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night's NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, “No Tebow? No football.”

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt said that he plans to retire after the 2016 Olympics in Brazil. When asked what he'll do after he retires, Bolt said, “Walk.”

A woman in England claims that her female cat is about to celebrate her 28th birthday, which would make it the oldest cat in the world. You can tell the cat's getting really old because it just got a cat.

"Anthony Weiner did the weather forecast on Fox's local morning show, Good Day New York. Which was fine until he started pointing out parts of the country without using his hands."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift.

The opening game took place between the Broncos and the Ravens. The Broncos won. Peyton Manning beat the all-time record with seven touchdown passes. He even threw ME a touchdown and I was at home.

So now maybe Peyton Manning will finally get some commercial endorsements, right?

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent."

The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can't stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other.

L.A. doesn't even have a football team. It's just sad. The only other major American city that doesn't have professional football is Oakland.

A lot of people are picking the Denver Broncos to go to the Super Bowl. I like Denver. You fly there, get to the altitude, stop and get out. If people from Denver are on a plane and there is an emergency and the masks drop down, they are like, "No, we're good. It's fine."

Sat, Sep 21, 2013

#2766

Late Night From 09/06
Part 2

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he's seeking asylum."

"The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious."

"On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' — which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'"

"Secretary of State John Kerry said that Arab countries have offered to pay the entire cost of unseating Syria's president if we take the lead militarily. They will pay for the whole thing. See, this is how global politics works. We invade Syria to get money from Saudi Arabia that they got from us for putting their oil in our Japanese cars so we can pay back China all the money we owe them."

"John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?"

Late Show with David Letterman
Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for . . . three, four months.

The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink.

It's Fashion Week here in New York City. This morning, on the subway, I was beaten up by a teen gang of fashionistas.

I saw a supermodel this morning holding a sign. Here's what the sign reads: "Will starve for food." Does that make any sense?

Sun, Sep 22, 2013

#2767

Late Night From 09/09
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven't seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny's with me the other night."

"President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, 'That guy's on too many shows.'"

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back."

"Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?"

"Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is "hungry. Not for players, for food."

This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Sea Biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship."

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans."

Mon, Sep 23, 2013

#2768

Late Night From 09/09
Part 2

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC 'America's Got Talent' will be delayed by 'America's Got Problems.'"

"President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad's power has been reduced to the point where he's on 'Dancing With the Stars.'"

"John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' Well, that should put the fear of God into them. 'If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won't even know what happened.'"

Conan O'Brien
"New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines. When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, 'I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50-year old lever.'"

"While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong-un's secret baby. Apparently nobody had the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong-un."

Tue, Sep 24, 2013

Late Night From 09/10
Part 1

Coming Soon

Late Show with David Letterman
"Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn't the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren't things a little bit tense right now?"

"The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He's like, 'I'm going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let's see what Putin says.'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess."

"You'd be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen."

Wed, Sep 25, 2013

#2770

Late Night From 09/10
Part 2

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. Of course, it was awkward when Anthony Weiner said, 'That's not a lever.'"

"It got weird when officials checked the results and said, 'The winner is . . . Richard Nixon?'"

"The newer voting machines weren't properly programmed – or as Florida put it, 'Never stopped us.'"

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria." –Jay Leno

"A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn't you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?"

"John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don't . . . he'll give them another week."

"Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work."

Thu, Sep 26, 2013

#2771

Late Night From 09/10
Part 3

Daily Show with Jon Stewart
"Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence."

Conan O'Brien
"Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner."

"If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she'll be the city's first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, 'Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'"

"Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay."

Fri, Sep 27, 2013

#2772

Late Night From 09/11
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
"The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here's the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez." –David Letterman

"You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6."

McDonald's is now serving steak. Nothing says fine dining like rolling down your car window and screaming out, "medium rare!"

Can the USDA consider it prime beef if it comes with a toy?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tonight was a very special episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Mama June and Sugar Bear had a commitment ceremony. That's like a wedding but without that old-fashioned crap about being legally required to give away half your stuff.

Of course they got dressed up for the commitment ceremony. Camouflage is a bold fashion choice for a wedding, isn't it? Nothing ruins your wedding faster than hunters who think you're caribou.

The whole idea of a commitment ceremony is not for me. It's usually when married people say they're renewing their vows. And I don't see the point in renewing your vows. It is not a magazine subscription. You don't have to renew it.

Celebrity couples renew their wedding vows all the time. They usually give an interview explaining their marriage is "rock solid," and they just want to "get back to what's important." And the husband is "totally not gay."

Sat, Sep 28, 2013

#2773

Late Night From 09/11
Part 2

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri. Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they've already got one and they're still paying off the previous model."

"Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins."

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The White House has a new slogan: 'Hope and let the Russians fix it.'"

"Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too."

"Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal."

"John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria."

Sun, Sep 29, 2013

#2774

Late Night From 09/11
Part 3

Conan O'Brien
"Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke."

"I'm a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That's the important thing."

"On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonalds. Then he created a scene there by saying, 'Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?'"

The new secretary of the Vatican said that celibacy for priests is open to discussion. In a related story, nuns are now allowed to twerk.

This is weird. A brewer has apparently come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. It is said to appeal to a very specific market known as alcoholics.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"In New York, former Congressman Anthony Weiner became the first candidate to concede in his bid to become the Democratic candidate for mayor. Weiner got less than 5 percent of the vote and came in fifth. There's got to be something else he can run for. I have 3,000 more Anthony Weiner jokes."

"You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts."

"When it was all over and Anthony Weiner was driving away, apparently he gave reporters the middle finger. A class act all the way through, that guy. Of course, when he flipped off a bunch of strangers, Ne York was like, 'Hey maybe he is the right guy for me!' I like that guy!"

"Since marijuana is now legal in Colorado they have to tax it like anything else, and this got people upset. This week, activists in Colorado were handing out free marijuana to protest the high taxes. Then later the pot activists were like, 'We did WHAT?'"

There's been some talk that the Vatican is considering a new rule that would allow Catholic priests to get married one day. Critics of the rule say priests should remain celibate. While others said, “You've never been married, have you?”

HBO announced a new detective show starring Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Apparently they try to break suspects using that new interrogation technique, "laid-back cop/even more laid-back cop."

One Direction's new concert movie apparently has flopped at the U.K. box office even though it's been a huge hit here in the U.S. Yeah, they're killing it here, and doing terrible over in England — or as toothpaste put it, “Join the club.”

Mon, Sep 30, 2013

#2775

Late Night From 09/12
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
"It's quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment."

"The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He's driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There's your miracle, you know what I'm saying?"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times."

"If you haven't seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it's for his own good."

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