Jokes of the day

2726 - 2750

Newest

Mon, Aug 12, 2013

#2726

Late Night From 07/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In Oregon a guy tried to rob a gun store with a baseball bat. They're calling it the most ineffective use of a bat since the Miami Marlins.

Things are not looking good for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. It looks like he may spend the rest of his life in jail. On the plus side, Hernandez says he's looking forward to playing on the prison football team under coach Whitey Bulger.

Speaking of prison, OJ Simpson is supposedly up to around 300 pounds. In fact, OJ is now the leading cause of prison overcrowding.

OJ is so fat, he’s asking for the death penalty just so he can get the last meal.


Conan O'Brian
In Brazil, 3 million people attended the Pope's mass. The Pope attributed the huge turnout to his opening act, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He tours with them wherever he goes.

Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.

The inventor of the world's first artificial test-tube hamburger said that "It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat." He was immediately sued by Arby's for stealing their slogan.


Late Show with David Letterman
Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That's what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.

The new blockbuster movie, "The Wolverine," stars Hugh Jackman, and he's pumped up. To get all buffed out, he had to consume 6,000 calories a day. Hearing this, the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, said "Oh, yeah? Then what did you have for dinner?"

The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They've rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love.

Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.

Tue, Aug 13, 2013

#2727

Late Night From 07/30
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That's according to records kept by Jane Goodall."

"Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island."

"Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton."

"Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that's good enough for me. That's all I needed to hear."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
"One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive – because nobody else showed up to photograph her."

"I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos."

"Anthony Weiner's wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn't be much worse."


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families."

Wed, Aug 14, 2013

#2728

Late Night From 07/30
Part 2

Conan O'Brian
"Things are getting so much worse for disgraced New York mayoral candidate and serial sexter Anthony Weiner. The latest New York City mayoral poll reveals that Weiner is in fourth place, or as Weiner says, 'Hey, I'm at the bottom of a foursome."

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands."

"Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I'm sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988."


Jimmy Fallon
"Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — 'Anyone else but Weiner.'"

"Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something 'mentally wrong' with Anthony Weiner. He said, 'That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'"

"Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, 'What am I supposed to do? He's president.'"


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It's because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across."

"Seven women have come forward to say they've been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it's a 12-step program. Here's a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. "

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn't really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up."

"According to the New York Post, the Clintons are really angry about being compared to the Weiners, and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual conduct seriously. Anthony Weiner just phones it in."

Thu, Aug 15, 2013

#2729

Late Night From 07/31
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that's what the Tony Awards are for."

"More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA's biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He's gonna nee d a job. We've seen his promo package."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
"Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to."


Late Show with David Letterman
"The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There's one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City."

"The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first musical.'"

Fri, Aug 16, 2013

#2730

Late Night From 07/31
Part 2

Daily Show with John Oliver
"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word."


Conan O'Brian
"A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, 'The important thing is I haven't lost my phone.'"

"A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition. "

"Al Qaeda announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time."


Jimmy Fallon
"The Anthony Weiner campaign's communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he'd take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to."

"I don't know if I believe this or not, but there's this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, 'It's true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers.'"

Sat, Aug 17, 2013

#2731

Late Night From 08/01
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The X Games start today in L.A. Everyone's excited about the X Games, except Larry King. He thought it was a convention for his previous wives.

President Obama is going to appear on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. That's going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.

In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. I don't know how you can go home if you're homeless.

How can you even tell who is homeless in Hawaii? No one wears shoes.

If you're homeless, the state will pay for your plane ticket and transportation to the airport. The hard part is trying to get the shopping cart in the overhead compartment.

If homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs — "Now with homeless people."


Jimmy Fallon
Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, “Anything but Cinnabon.”

Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.

It's rumored that AMC’s show “The Walking Dead” is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That’s right, a drooling, hungry creature that can’t talk or listen to reason — most people just call that “a baby.”

Sun, Aug 18, 2013

#2732

Late Night From 08/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
More problems for America's creepiest mayor, San Diego's Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would've come forward sooner but the line was too long.

Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it's only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.

In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever — this is real — Filner's lawyer said if there's any liability, it's the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!

It is not looking good for Alex Rodriguez. There's a good chance he could be banned from baseball for life. How good? He got 2-to-1 odds from Pete Rose.


Conan O'Brian
Major League Baseball said that on Friday it will announce which players they're penalizing for steroid use. So far the rumor is . . . all of them.

An NFL player is in big trouble for making a comment at a country music concert that's offensive to black people. His comment was, "I enjoy country music."

In a recent interview, Katy Perry revealed that she would like to become a serious actress. She then did a monologue from "Macbeth" in a bra made of ice cream.

Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the "I'm wasting my life" button.


Late Show with David Letterman
The big "Smurfs" movie sequel is out. It's cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, "Who am I to judge them?"

Lindsey Lohan got out of rehab, and she wants to move to New York City. Authorities are advising citizens to stay indoors.

Lindsey Lohan has been in rehab. This is her sixth visit. You know what that means. The next one is free.

Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That's fine, but what about a ban on texting while you're running for mayor? Why can't we get a ban on that?

Mon, Aug 19, 2013

#2733

Late Night From 08/05
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Baseball suspended 13 players for alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs, most notably baseball's highest paid player, Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees. A-Rod is suspended for 211 games. That is an odd number, but .211 is what they calculated his batting average would have been without the drug.

A-Rod held a press conference earlier in Chicago. He dodged almost every question. But when asked directly, "Did you use performance-enhancing drugs?" he said, "Me no steroids" and then knocked White Sox Stadium down with his bare hands.

I don't believe A-Rod used performance-enhancing drugs, but I also don't believe in Canadians. Really, there are millions of people living in another country right above us? I don't think so.

Kobe Bryant was in China this weekend. The NBA is very popular in China, which makes sense because that's where all the shoes come from.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Alex Rodriguez has been suspended from baseball for 211 games, but he said he’ll appeal the decision and keep playing. Yeah, even Anthony Weiner was like, “Man, some people just don’t know when to quit.”

A-Rod was suspended for buying performance-enhancing drugs from an anti-aging clinic in Florida. You know, because if there’s one place where people really know how to look young, it’s Florida.

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.

The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn’t believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet.

Tue, Aug 20, 2013

#2734

Late Night From 08/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This is the final season of AMC's "Breaking Bad," and I know how it ends. It turns out that Walter White stops cooking meth and opens his own sports medicine lab with Alex Rodriguez.

Major League Baseball has suspended Alex Rodriguez for 211 games, but A-Rod is still fighting. He's vowing to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.

It's not just A-Rod. Baseball gave 12 players 50-game suspensions. The rules are clear. If you're going to do drugs and still expect to play, you'd better be a musician. That's the only way you can do drugs and still play.

The horrible news for Cubs fans is that not one of their players got suspended today. That means they're stuck with the same guys for the rest of the year.


Conan O'Brien
Major League Baseball announced today that Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games. So if you're familiar with baseball's schedule, it means he'll be out for about a month. I think there are 10,000 games in a season.

This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any.

Photos of the royal baby's birth certificate have surfaced. Kate's occupation on the document is listed as "princess." It's always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace.

One of the latest trends is an ATM machine where transactions are conducted by a human teller. The cutting-edge device is called a bank.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber — minus the part about everybody loving him.

I can't decide on a favorite Smurf. I love Papa Smurf, of course. And the one who's always yelling at everyone with those long-winded stories. What's his name? Oh yeah, Regis Smurf.

Then there's Tito Smurf, Jermaine Smurf, and Kardashian Smurf.

Papa Smurf is their leader, but he wasn't an elected leader. He inherited the position after the death of his father, Kim Jong Smurf.

Wed, Aug 21, 2013

#2735

Late Night From 08/08
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The third-largest lottery drawing in the U.S. took place last night, a Powerball jackpot worth $448 million. The jackpot will be split between three winners. I'm happy for whoever they are, as long as their names are not Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, or Kris.

One of the winners is a 45-year-old man from Ham Lake, Minnesota, which sounds delicious.

After taxes and jet skis, I think the winnings work out to $148.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

LeBron James of the Miami Heat had to report for jury duty today. Of course there will be 11 other jurors to help decide the case, but you know he'll wind up doing it all by himself.

After The Washington Post and The Boston Globe were both sold this week, the owner of The New York Times came out and said that his paper is not for sale. Oh yeah? Then how come I just bought one at a newsstand?

Thu, Aug 22, 2013

#2736

Late Night From 08/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.

The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.

Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an elephant it had met 20 years ago didn’t even recognize him.

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the "Hypocritic Oath."


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Fifty years ago today was "the great train robbery." Robbers got away with $63 million in cash from a postal train in Britain. My father worked for the post office at that time. He was supposed to be working on the night that it was robbed, but he had the flu. He called in sick. Coincidence?

All I know is right after the great train robbery, we ate well around my house. Yes, that is the night we got a brand new potato.

The train was going from Glasgow to London. So the Scottish banks lost millions. Scottish people were spewing venom and then the robbery happened and it got worse.

I like heist movies. "Oceans 11" was a good one. Then there was "Oceans 12" where they robbed the people who went to see the movie.

Fri, Aug 23, 2013

#2737

Late Night From 08/09

The Late Show with Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece's economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it's 'the blind leading the blind.'"

"Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey."

Sat, Aug 24, 2013

#2738

Late Night From 08/09

Jimmy Fallon
"The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, 'Right. NEW feature.'"

"Yesterday, Obama met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Biden said, 'John Travolta's here?' "

Sun, Aug 25, 2013

#2739

Late Night From 08/12

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's back-to-school season. Going back to school, especially to a new school, can be scary, but I do have some advice, and I think it's good advice for kids. Be yourself. And if that doesn't work, be someone cooler.

In Tennessee, a boy seven months old was at the center of a legal battle because his parents couldn't agree on his last name. They went to court and the magistrate refused to validate the kid's FIRST name. The parents wanted to name him Messiah. The magistrate forced them to change it to Martin. If the first name is Messiah, you'll never find those little personalized license plates for your bike.

I think we should bring that magistrate to Hollywood and put her in charge of celebrity baby names because they're not even giving their kids names anymore. They're giving them nouns. You go to any playground in L.A., yell the word "river," and 10 kids will come running.

Mon, Aug 26, 2013

#2740

Late Night From 08/12

Conan
Controversial Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez hit his first home run of the year and the season premiere of "Breaking Bad" aired. It was a big day for drug dealers.

Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. To prove her point, Oprah bought Switzerland.

At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown put on a President Obama mask and tried to get a bull to chase him. Yeah. But it backfired because the bull sat down and said, "Let's be fair and see what he does with his second term."

"Star Wars" creator George Lucas and his wife just welcomed their first child. He won't tell the child he is the father until episode five.

Tue, Aug 27, 2013

#2741

Late Night From 08/13

Conan O'Brian
"Sixty-two percent of New Yorkers say they are embarrassed by the sex scandals of Anthony Weiner. Weiner said, 'Let me know when that number reaches 69.'"

"San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused of sexual harassment by 14 women, and now there's so many a hotline has been established to take any new sexual harassment claims. The number is 1-800-How Is This Guy Still Mayor?"

"San Diego Mayor Bob Filner left his sexual harassment rehab program a week early. He said, 'I'm mostly cured, now I only grab one boob.'"

"North Korea has announced that it's developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they've already escaped from North Korea."

"As part of her anti-obesity campaign, First Lady Michelle Obama is releasing a hip hop album. The name of the album is Fat Beats for Fat Kids.'"


Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"Some unelected, activist judge has rejected Stop and Frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have the constitutional right not to be stopped at random and manhandled by strangers. Despite the fact that when the Constitution was written, minorities weren't even invented yet."

Wed, Aug 28, 2013

#2742

Late Night From 08/15

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We had quite a night last night. Oprah Winfrey was here. Are you familiar with her work?

Oprah swooped down from heaven last night, and there was a rainbow over the theater. Have you ever seen a rainbow at night?

We have music tonight from Big Sean. You know, before you do rap, they make you decide if you're big or little.

Why is it that rappers are always big or little? Any of them ever come in medium?

Thu, Aug 29, 2013

#2743

Late Night From 08/15

Conan
Mayor Filner of San Diego has had 14 women come forward alleging that he sexually harassed them. In San Diego, Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Filner because they say he's disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said there's a time and a place to be disrespect to women and that's at a Hooters.

According to a new report, Tulsa, Oklahoma, has the lowest rent in the country. Yeah, nice try Tulsa, but we're still not moving there.

The NFL is considering hiring a mother of three to be a referee. They wanted someone who's used to giving time-outs.

Fri, Aug 30, 2013

#2744

Late Night From 08/14

Conan O'Brien
"Mayor Filner of San Diego has had 14 women come forward alleging that he sexually harassed them. In San Diego, Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Filner because they say he's disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said there's a time and a place to be disrespect to women and that's at a Hooters."

"The mayor of San Diego has been accused of sexually harassing 14 women. Now a Hooters in San Diego has put up a sign saying they won't serve Mayor Bob Filner because he disrespects women. A spokesperson for Hooters said we don't want him as a customer, but would love him as a manager."

"According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say they won't vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say they're going to wait until they see all the other candidates' penises. It's called comparison shopping."

"The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts 'drones.' They don't like the name drones. The manufacturers said, we prefer the term 'surprise visitor.'"

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job."

Sat, Aug 31, 2013

#2745

Late Night From 08/16

Jimmy Kimmel
"In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police."

"It is widely believed these phones were secretly built in China and shipped to North Korea. It's hard to believe they built a smartphone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can't even have friends and family in North Korea"

"Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn't rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader's name is Smokey."

Sun, Sep 01, 2013

#2746

Late Night From 08/19

David Letterman
"So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker."

"Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots."

"So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I'll tell you something else right now, we wouldn't have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president."

Mon, Sep 02, 2013

#2747

Late Night From 08/20

Jimmy Fallon
"Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, 'Boobs, where?'"

Tue, Sep 03, 2013

#2748

Late Night From 08/21

Late Show with David Letterman

A couple of days ago they found a great white shark dead on a subway car in New York, and today he's chowder at Red Lobster. Yep, they found him on surveillance tape going down the stairs and through the turnstile. He seemed perfectly healthy.

A shark in the subway. This is what happens when you don't have stop-and-frisk. The police had an autopsy done on the shark, and they found a tourist from Cincinnati. The shark was apparently in town for shark week.

So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate.

Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I'll tell you something else right now, we wouldn't have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president.

Wed, Sep 04, 2013

#2749

Late Night From 08/26
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
When Batman fans heard Ben Affleck is going to be the new Batman, they went crazy and petitioned the White House to get rid of Ben Affleck, do something! Nothing, however, about getting rid of the goon running the show in Syria. But Ben Affleck has got to go!

Donald Trump and Trump University have been sued by the New York attorney general for running an unlicensed university. They said "It's illegal. Your university is just like that thing on your head. They're both unlicensed."

Do you think Donald Trump's own kids when to Trump University? No! His kids went to that fly-by-night diploma mill, the Wharton School of Business.

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend — not to be confused with his campaign. That's a train wreck. And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo.

Thu, Sep 05, 2013

#2750

Late Night From 08/26
Part 2

Tonight Show with Jay Leno
But it's not all bad news for the former San Diego mayor. Today Bob Filner was offered a new job as a TSA agent at the airport. So, you fly often, do you?

So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won't be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013.

The NFL is now cracking down on what they call excessive celebration, like when a player is found not guilty and does that little dance in the courtroom. OK, that's 15 yards now.

Pepsi has introduced a new snack food called Pepsi-flavored Cheetos. I mean, who is this for? On-the-go stoners who don't have time to eat both?

Pepsi and Cheetos? Really? Are we that lazy now we have to combine the snack and the drink together? Is the Pepsi can too heavy? Oh, it's too heavy, getting carpal tunnel bringing it up here.

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