Jokes of the day

2701 - 2725

Newest

Thu, Jul 18, 2013

#2701

Late Night From 07/09
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he will not run for governor for a fourth term, though he hasn't ruled out running for president again. The voters have, he just hasn't."

Conan O'Brien
"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien (Share this joke on Facebook)

"With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to “The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife."

"Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.'"

"Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food."

Fri, Jul 19, 2013

#2702

Late Night From 07/10

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That's a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere."

Late Show with David Letterman
"Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport."

"The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen. We're no longer the fattest country in the world. That's why they're bringing back Twinkies. The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that's, of course, because they're all living here."

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, 'Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.'"

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'"

Conan O'Brien
"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out." –Conan O'Brien

Sat, Jul 20, 2013

#2703

Late Night From 07/11
Part 2

Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend. I didn't see that coming.

George Clooney released a statement saying that yes, it's true that they're breaking up. George said he would like to spend more time with his next girlfriend.

This weekend the movie "Pacific Rim" opens. Ocean monsters come out of the sea so we must build huge robots and they battle to the death. I'm telling you, I haven't seen anything like this since last Friday!

It's the sea creatures versus the giant robots. It's from the original play by Noel Coward.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's the first day of Elvis Fest in Las Vegas. Today thousands of Elvis impersonators gather to swap stories, swivel their hips, and wave their adult diapers.

Psychologists say the cult of Elvis has all the makings of a future religion. It's possible in a few years there will be the Church of Elvis. At the end of the service, the congregation leader will say, "Elvis has left the building." And everybody will stand up and say, "Thank you, thank you very much."

Do you know that Elvis had 18 number one hits? They include "Jailhouse Rock", "Love Me Tender," and "Gangnam Style." I read that on Wikipedia.

Recently Paul McCartney visited Graceland. He left a guitar pick on Elvis Presley's headstone. He said it was so Elvis can play guitar in heaven. Don't they have guitar picks in heaven? Or is there a bunch of angels with their harps saying, "Oh, man, I wish the guy from Wings would leave us a pick somewhere."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Residents of northeast Colorado, which is much more rural than the rest of the state, don't think they're properly represented so they want to break the state into two pieces. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. Everyone gets all paranoid and tries to secede.

The idea is to divide Colorado into two states, and they want to call the new state North Colorado. If you're going to go to the trouble of creating a new state, give it a cool name like Danger Zone, or Colorado 2: The Reckoning.

They have about as much chance of seceding from Colorado as Chucky has to secede from Cheese.

Paula Deen apparently is going to be in a comic book about female empowerment. I think the only thing she empowers women to do is kill their families with her recipes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good — in fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin’ Donuts.

Yesterday Google went down for over an hour in four different states. Or as Bing and Yahoo put it, “Well NOW how are we supposed to look up stuff?”

Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer's decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner's chances of becoming mayor. Or as Spitzer put it, "See? I'm making things better already."

Sun, Jul 21, 2013

#2704

Late Night From 07/11
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
America has lost the title of the fattest nation on earth. We are now only the second-fattest nation. We lost the title to Mexico. Isn't that amazing? We are so fat and lazy now that we're too fat and lazy to be number one at being fat and lazy.

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it's not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.

The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?

Conan O'Brien
President Obama's approval rating is down to 44 percent. You can tell Obama's getting desperate because today he gave a speech entitled "Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back next week."

DC Comics has released a new comic in which Superman kills someone. At the end of the comic book he's signed by the New England Patriots.

Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a new contract paying him $76 million. They're paying him $62 million just to live in Detroit.

A recent study says the state that drinks the most beer is North Dakota. In fact, one night North Dakota got so drunk, it woke up next to West Virginia.

Mon, Jul 22, 2013

#2705

Late Night From 07/12
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, 'What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?' And Obama was like, 'I dunno. Ask Beyonce.'"

"Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong."

"According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form."

Tue, Jul 23, 2013

#2706

Late Night From 07/12
Part 2

Real Time with Bill Maher
"People in Florida are pretty worried about the Zimmerman acquittal. They're trying so hard to get black people to stay in their homes, it looks like election day down there."

"Their defense is that George Zimmerman is weak and stupid. That's their whole defense, that's such a pussy that in a fight a gun was his only chance. They put an expert on the stand that said he was an out of shape doughy loser than was completely inept at self defnes – just the kind of guy you want to have on your neighborhood watch."

"And then the other day in the summation, the defense lawyer said George Zimmerman had nothing put 'pure unadulterated innocence.' That's right, he played the 'my client is a moron card.' I know we can't talk about race in this trial, but now we have to have code words for idiot? If his pants are full of shit, you must acquit.'"

"If we're going to leave with one lesson from this whole assorted affair it's to leave police work to the actual police. They're the ones who are trained in shooting unarmed black kids."

"Sarah Palin said she may run for the Senate. She said being a U.S. senator is job she's always dreamed of resigning from."

Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon."

"Edward Snowden is seeking temporary asylum in Russia, because you know when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go."

Wed, Jul 24, 2013

#2707

Late Night From 07/15
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
It's crazy hot outside. I'll give you an example. Remember Joey Chestnut, the competitive eating champion who recently ate 106 hot dogs in a minute? It was so hot today that he ate 68 Dove bars.

Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, wants asylum in Venezuela. He also wants to be able to have summer asylum in the Hamptons.

Baseball's All-Star Game will be right here in New York City today. Nothing is more exciting than watching overpaid players give 50 percent.

In this year's All-Star Game, the players' wives get to bat.

Conan O'Brien
The royal baby is due today. Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now. The royals say they don't care what gender it is as long as it's healthy enough to never work a day in its life.

The royal baby's got it sweet. It's going to be born, realize who it is, and go, "Oh, yeah!"

The American version of royalty is back. That's right. Twinkies.

Twinkies are back on the shelves. And get this: People are complaining that they're smaller. Ironically, the people complaining about it are NOT smaller.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Britain is in a heightened state of alert. Right now they're in royal baby watch. Yes, everyone's on the lookout for the helpless little bald creature that will someday become the most powerful person in England. But enough about Prince Charles."

"William's brother, Prince Harry, is said to be very excited. He'll be an uncle for the first time. And he will no longer be the only one running around in the royal palace naked."

"Queen Elizabeth is also on pins and needles. Who can blame her? It's been 120 years since a British monarch has been alive for the birth of a great, great grandchild – or as Prince Charles noted, it's been 120 years, five months, three days, and 15 hours."

"Doctors have warned that the birth could be very painful because there's a 1 in 4 chance it's going to have Prince Charles' ears."

Thu, Jul 25, 2013

#2708

Late Night From 07/15
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress."

"President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it's one thing to lie to the voters, but when you're lying to kids, come on."

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden says he may seek asylum in Russia. Well, he should really love the freedom and openness of that society."

"In a landmark legal case, the Iowa Supreme Court has ruled a dentist could legally fire his female assistant because he found her too sexy and a threat to his marriage. You can be fired for being too sexy. I'll bet that's what happened to me here at NBC."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Twinkies went back on sale for the first time in eight months. Twinkies are back. Grocery stores are calling it a good day for business, while Spanx is calling it a GREAT day for business.

New York City is all excited. We got the All-Star Game. I found out a ticket is $859. Or as fans call that, still cheaper than a hot dog.

$859 is a lot of money for an All-Star Game ticket. Or as the fathers hoping for a bonding experience with their sons put it, "You like the zoo, right?"

President Obama just called Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss NSA leaker Edward Snowden, who's been living in Moscow at the airport. Obama asked that Snowden be sent back to the U.S., and in return Putin asked for a case of Twinkies.

Fri, Jul 26, 2013

#2709

Late Night From 07/16

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing." –Jay Leno

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He'll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life."

Conan O'Brien
"Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, 'Let me know how that works out for you.'"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Francis is on summer vacation right now and apparently he's been spotted driving around in a Ford Focus. So I guess he takes that vow of celibacy very seriously."

"Russian President, Vladimir Putin rode a submarine to the bottom of the ocean to look at the remains of an old shipwreck. And also because 'SpongeBob knows too much.'"

Sat, Jul 27, 2013

#2710

Late Night From 07/17

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Britain's parliament has passed a bill that would allow gay marriage. How about that? For the first time they are allowing gay marriage. If you thought royal weddings were big, just wait until the first gay royal wedding. Oh, my God. How fabulous will that be?"

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for temporary asylum in Russia. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know, but somehow the story leaked out."

Conan O'Brien
"Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on vacation since 1952." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope said something crazy. The Pope is offering time off from purgatory for anyone who follows him on Twitter. He also said it's cool for Catholics to have premarital sex as long as they like his Facebook page."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Here's some big news out of England. Today, Queen Elizabeth officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. Or as she put it, 'You know, it doesn't always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.'"

"Gay marriage is legal in the U.K. Which is why today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, 'So I can take off this dress now?"

"Today, the headquarters of the EPA was renamed in honor of Bill Clinton because of his dedication to protecting the environment. Or as Al Gore put it, 'Are you kidding me? The environment? That's my thing.'"

Late Show with David Letterman
"NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living at the Moscow airport. He's been there for about a month. He's scorned with no home to call his own. No safe harbor. It's like being an old George Clooney girlfriend."

"Edward Snowden's been at the airport close to two months. And here's how he stays in shape. He goes jogging every day on the baggage carousel."

Sun, Jul 28, 2013

#2711

Late Night From 07/18
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been in Gitmo for 10 years. They turned him lose on the computer and this guy is some sort of evil genius. He designed a brand-new vacuum cleaner. It keeps the fleas out of his beard.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has declared jihad on dirt.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a shoo-in for the Gitmo science fair.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Three million people watched the season premiere of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." The cast members say they're delighted. I think that's what they were saying. I don't actually understand what they're saying.

Last night's season premiere had a new cast member. It's me. I play Pierre, an exchange student from France. "Bonjour, Mademoiselle Boo Boo. Would you like some chardonnay with your squirrel?"

If you've never seen "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," it's like "Duck Dynasty" but with fewer ducks.

"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is like "Downton Abbey" but with fewer shoes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
We got nominated for an Emmy today! And you know what that means — time to iron my tuxedo T-shirt.

I want to congratulate the History Channel. Their 10-part miniseries “The Bible” was also nominated for an Emmy. It's going to be weird on the red carpet when Moses is like, “Is that Joan Rivers? I haven't seen you since high school.”

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen. He just welcomed a granddaughter this week. The nurse was like, "I hope you are ready to do some babysitting." And the baby was like, "Don't worry, I am."

Mon, Jul 29, 2013

#2712

Late Night From 07/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Al-Qaida's No. 2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.

Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, “Keep dreaming.”

A key prosecution witness in the racketeering and murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger was found dead this week. Who could have seen that coming? What, a witness in a mob trial dead? Turned out the guy suffered an allergic reaction to a baseball bat.

Taxi companies in St. Louis are considering an additional charge for passengers who throw up in the car. If you vomit in the cab, it is going to cost you more. I have a better idea. How about a discount for the next guy who gets in the cab?

Conan O'Brien
The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor.

In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.

It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi's Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush.

A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other's shoulders.

Tue, Jul 30, 2013

#2713

Late Night From 07/22
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
I'm Dave Letterman, or as the staff likes to call me, "the royal baby."

Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They're the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news.

They named the boy Festus.

The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for our friends in the U.K. There's a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby.

The prince said what any proud family member would say: "Back of the line, junior."

There were very few people in the room for the birth. Prince William, the father, was there. Kate Middleton's mother was there, and Neil Patrick Harris — I believe he was there. He does the Emmys, the Tonys, the royal birth. And you know what, he makes it better. Normally I don't enjoy these things but when Neil does it, it's entertaining.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, "How much is that in dollars?"

Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, "Oh my God. What's labor?"

We have former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer on the show tonight. He'll be here only for about five minutes, but we're charging him for the full hour.

Eliot Spitzer is on the show. When he got here, I said, “Do you need someone to escort, er, show you to your dressing room?"

Wed, Jul 31, 2013

#2714

Late Night From 07/22
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I’m sure you all heard the news about the royal baby. William and Kate are the proud parents of a baby boy. Can you believe the media coverage? You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a kid.

They kept saying on the news, "the royal couple welcomes a baby boy." Well, I hope so. Do people sometimes give a kid the cold shoulder?

I understand there’s a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they’re able to get up for work tomorrow.

Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit's population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.


Conan O'Brien
The royal baby was born today. But don't worry, America, we still have Honey Boo Boo.

Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill.

Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is eight pounds. Then again, you can't really put a price on a child.

I was going to go to Comic-Con, but I was stopped by security for possession of a wife and a job.

Thu, Aug 01, 2013

#2715

Late Night From 07/23
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
"So, Anthony Weiner has apologized for this new scandal. He also apologized for the next one. And the next one after that."

"Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same with Camilla."

"NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out the governor of New Jersey."


Conan O'Brien
"At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner’s wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer."

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire."

"Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?"

"The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he's so rich that he's already dating a girl half his age."

"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy."

Fri, Aug 02, 2013

#2716

Late Night From 07/23
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Anthony Weiner the peter tweeter is at is again. He admitted in a press conference to having more online sexting episode well after he resigned from Congress. This time Anthony Weiner used the name Carlos danger. He was sexting women under the name Carlos Danger. See, this is Weiner's way of getting more Latino support."

"As a comedian, I am pleading with the voters of New York: please elect this man."

"The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years."

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'"

"William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. 'My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?'"


Craig Ferguson
"Anthony Weiner released a statement today saying this behavior is behind me. Then he added, if you want to see more of what's behind me, I'll text you a photograph."

"Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby's got some hair too."

"The crowd outside the hospital was very respectful. You could actually hear the baby say, 'Fetch me some milk' and 'I will be king, Father.'"

"Mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener had more photographs released from his sexting scandal. New Yorkers were so shocked that Eliot Spitzer fell off his hooker."

"New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump's head fainted."

Sat, Aug 03, 2013

#2717

Late Night From 07/24
Part 1

Craig Ferguson
"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'"

Sun, Aug 04, 2013

#2718

Late Night From 07/24
Part 2

Daily Shopw with John Oliver
"Anthony Weiner's alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. 'Danger... is my user name.'"


Conan O'Brien
"Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing's working out for Anthony Weiner these days."

"The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day."

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'"

Mon, Aug 05, 2013

#2719

Late Night From 07/24
Part 3

Late Show with David Letterman
"The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I'll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through."

"Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying 'I told you there would be more lewd photos.'"

"Weiner says he won't drop out of the race so that means by day he'll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he'll be 'Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love.'"
"Carlos Danger — isn't that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?"


Cobert Report with Stephen Cobert
"Yes, even after the sexting scandal that ended his congressional career. It turns out he learned nothing. Has this man never heard of SnapChat? Your dong shots disappear seconds after you send them…I have been told."

Tue, Aug 06, 2013

#2720

Late Night From 07/24
Part 4

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text."

"Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!"

"Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper."

"The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you 'might' be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Perhaps we could try. Can't promise anything.'"


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name 'Carlos Danger.' Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner."

"It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a 'Carlos Danger' Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, 'You still use Yahoo?'"

"The past 24 hours have been so exciting for my wife and I, and we haven't had a chance to respond to everyone's calls and messages, but let me just say, 'Yes, William and Kate, we'll definitely set up a play date.'"

"Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, 'And whatever you do – hang on to that birth certificate.'"

Wed, Aug 07, 2013

#2721

Late Night From 07/25
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
A tourist came up to me today and she says, "I watch your show on and off." And I said, "How do you like it?" And she said, "Off."

Regis Philbin is here today. Regis has a brand-new show on Fox Sports. Regis is working his way up to Telemundo.

The last time Regis was here, during our chat his beeper went off letting him know they had found a donor.

Anthony Weiner has been on the Internet having obscene chats, and he uses the name Carlos Danger. When Donald Trump heard about it, Trump demanded to see Carlos Danger's birth certificate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Another tough day for New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Or as we know him now, "Carlos Danger." I'm no prude, but I think texting obscene pictures crosses the line. Even Geraldo Rivera was like, "Dude, put some clothes on."

I'm conflicted about Anthony Weiner. On one hand, after the pain he caused his family I think he should drop out of the race. On the other hand, his staying makes my job even easier.

At least one case of bubonic plague has been confirmed here in L.A. It was a squirrel. I hope the plague doesn't spread. If it wipes out squirrels across the country, what's Honey Boo Boo going to have for dinner?

What would happen if bubonic plague came to L.A.? People could be turning ungodly shades of purple. Suffering in the streets. An utter disregard for human life. And then the plague would hit.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama gave a big speech yesterday on the economy. It was actually longer than his last State of the Union address — though it should be noted that he opened with 20 minutes of Anthony Weiner jokes.

Taco Bell announced that it will discontinue its line of kids' meals because of low sales. You know your food's bad when even little kids say, “I'm not putting that in my mouth.”

A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they're friends with them on Facebook. That's good because if you're a kid who's friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you're not really friends with anyone else.

Rocky is back. Again. Yeah, 67-year-old Sylvester Stallone is getting ready to star in a seventh “Rocky” movie. You can tell he’s getting up there because instead of running up those famous stairs, now Rocky just takes the elevator.

Thu, Aug 08, 2013

#2722

Late Night From 07/25
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I have been learning more about this NSA spying scandal. What are the odds that the only person they weren't monitoring was Anthony Weiner?

Two years ago when Weiner resigned, he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future. Do you know how he knew that? Because he went home after that and started texting them. That's how he knew.

The Vatican announced that the late Pope John Paul II will become a saint after they approve a miracle where he cured a woman of severe brain injury, which is pretty impressive. Not as impressive, though, as the miracle of Anthony Weiner still being married, but that's impressive.

In his speech earlier this week in Latin America, the Pope told the people to give up the false idols of success and money. That’s the same thing NBC told me.


Conan O'Brien
It's been reported that LeBron James will no longer play Olympic basketball for the United States. LeBron said he won't play for any country that has less money than he does.

The NFL wants to test its players for human growth hormone but the players are opposed. Players say there's a time and place for blood tests and that's at their murder trials.

In Pakistan there's a new TV show about a female superhero. Her super powers include flying, X-ray vision, and going to college.

A man in India is claiming to be the oldest man on earth at 141 years old. Larry King said, "I always liked that kid."

Fri, Aug 09, 2013

#2723

Late Night From 07/26
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They're called campaign promises."

"In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we've all been distracted by phony scandals. It's time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery."

"The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent."

"The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized last night. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that even possible? I mean, 148 years later this guy still can't get any security? Come on."


Jimmy Fallon
"Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it's a minor setback, while the guy in third said, 'Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?'"

"Weiner is in second place. He is no longer in the lead. And it gets worse when you hear the guy in first place is Carlos Danger."

"President Obama's got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn't make the retreat because he's in Asia. That's because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia."

Sat, Aug 10, 2013

#2724

Late Night From 07/26
Part 2

Real Time with Bill Maher
"England is overjoyed! They got their first look at the new Prince George. Big deal. America got another look at Anthony Weiner's dick."

"The New York Times says Weiner should pull out. The Daily News, the New York Post, they've all said drop out. USA Today wants to know how he put that hole in their pie chart."

"This guy has sent so many dick pics, yesterday he was at the Apple store and the guy said to him, 'You know you can also make calls on this thing.'"

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing."

"If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner."

"Bill O'Reilly said, 'I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.' Here's how Bill O'Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse's ass."

"New Rule: If Anthony Weiner can come up with a totally badass name like 'Carlos Danger' just to masturbate, how come the best Tom Cruise could do was 'Jack Reacher'? The guy in the action movie should be 'Carlos Danger.' The guy touching himself should be Jack Reacher."

"New Rule: This one goes out to Huma: When your husband Anthony says, 'I Feel Like a Different Person,' it doesn't mean what you think."

"New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry - naked and unable to stand."

Sun, Aug 11, 2013

#2725

Late Night From 07/29
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Anthony Weiner's campaign manager quit. He says he's applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

A lot of people in their 30s get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

In the 1990s we had "That '70s Show," set in the 1970s. The 1970s had "Happy Days" set in the 1950s. And the 1950s had shows set in the 1930s. We had "Here Comes Hitler Boo Boo," "Live with Regis and Herbert Hoover," and "Real Housewives of the Great Depression."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Pope Francis said something surprising today. Pope Francis says he's going to start fighting in MMA events.

Actually the Pope said he has no problem with priests who are gay. He said if someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? It's the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on "Project Runway."

Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let's be honest.

Neil Patrick Harris is here tonight. He hosted the Tonys this year. He's hosting the Emmys in September. Who knows? Maybe he'll finish this show for me tonight.


Jimmy Fallon
It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, “I'm not opening that.”

This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, “What kind of person quits because of something like that?” Then voters said, “Ideally? You.”

I read that 25 percent of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad — while 100 percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.

There's talk that HBO is actually running out of story ideas for “Game of Thrones” because the author hasn't finished the final two books in the series. That's when you know books are hurting — when even the guy writing them is like, “Ahh, I'll just watch the TV show.”

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