Jokes of the day

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Sun, Jun 23, 2013

#2676

Late Night From 06/11
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Mel Gibson is in talks to play a bad guy in the next "Expendables" movie. He's a fiendish villain with Nazi tendencies. I don't know what he'll play in the movie.

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.

With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, "Are you happy with the decisions you're making"? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow. Apparently they needed a virgin to sacrifice to the football gods. Tim Tebow fit the bill perfectly.

In March, Forbes magazine put out their annual list of the world's richest people, and one of the people was a Saudi Arabian prince, and he is furious about it. Forbes estimated his net worth at around $20 billion, and he claims he is worth $30 billion, so now he is suing Forbes. I love the premise: Say I'm more rich or I'll sue you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was announced that the New England Patriots have signed quarterback Tim Tebow, just weeks after he was released by the Jets. When asked how he’ll adjust to getting booed by Jets fans, Tebow said, “What do you mean ‘adjust to’?”

Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, “Hillary in 2016!” and “Washington needs Hillary!” and “Hillary for the White House!” That's not her followers. Those were her tweets.

Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, "How do you block people on this thing?"

A new six-hour special about the '90s is set to air on The Discovery Channel. Yep, a show with people who were big in the '90s — or as that's also called, “Dancing With the Stars.”

Mon, Jun 24, 2013

#2677

Late Night From 06/11
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word “patriot,” and he’s being audited by the IRS.

Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.

The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron.

President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught.

Conan
According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.

Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year.

The new PlayStation 4 is going to allow gamers to record their gaming and share it with friends. All the gamers would need is an Internet connection and friends.

Late Show with David Letterman
The New England Patriots are giving Tim Tebow a job. So it looks like Tebow will be playing in New England. Let me rephrase that. It looks like Tim Tebow will BE in New England. The Patriots were able to lure him with a brand-new state-of-the-art bench.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?

I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.

Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married.

Tue, Jun 25, 2013

#2678

Late Night From 06/12

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? "Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security."

Kevin Hart is on the program today. He has a new concert film called "Let Me Explain." President Obama's new slogan is also "Let Me Explain."

In a recent interview, 68-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking young. Do you know what it is? Stand next to Keith Richards.

Conan
Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book "1984" have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read.

Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.

It's come out that the summer interns at Google make about $6,000 per month. The news was reported to me by the interns at this show.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry — doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.

Late Show with David Letterman
Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, "You can do that, really?"

So far, it's a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.

You know who's popular now? George W. Bush. According to recent polls George W. Bush is more popular than not popular. So there's still hope for me.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for Mick Jagger. But then, what day isn't?

Mick Jagger says he's been doing ballet for years to stay in shape. He says he has a 28-inch waist. He's the only man in the world with a waist smaller than his mouth.

I said Mick Jagger has a big mouth. Heck, I think Ed Sullivan was doing that joke.

We shouldn't be surprised Mick Jagger's into ballet. Next we'll find out that Bono is into Riverdance.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.

In a recent interview, Kanye West compared himself to Steve Jobs. He called himself the “nucleus of culture,” and also said he was the Michael Jordan of music. I don't know if he's the Michael Jordan of music, but he's definitely the Dennis Rodman of crazy talk.

This week, Apple introduced a new laptop that supposedly has an all-day battery. Yeah, here’s how it works — don’t turn on your laptop all day.

There’s talk that boy band One Direction is trying to win over Justin Bieber’s fans who aren’t happy with Bieber’s recent behavior. Those guys from One Direction better be careful, or this could result in the world's most adorable fistfight.

Wed, Jun 26, 2013

#2679

Late Night From 06/13
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Bonnaroo music festival starts today in Tennessee. They have a great lineup this year, including Paul McCartney and Mumford and Sons. My only problem with Mumford and Sons is the guy playing the banjo still has all of his teeth. That's not authentic.

Every music festival says it's all about love and music — until you refuse to pay 200 bucks for a ticket. Then they Taser your hippie rear end.

Bonnaroo is in Tennessee. The weather forecast says it's going to be really hot in Tennessee this weekend. How hot is it going to be? Paul McCartney will be singing "Live and Let Fry."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Father's Day is on Sunday. The first Father's Day was celebrated in 1910. Before that, there were no fathers.

If you're looking for a thoughtful and expensive gift for dad, here is an idea: Try not to roll your eyes when he says something.

The much-anticipated "Man of Steel" comes out tomorrow. Finally, a superhero movie.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night, the Bruins and the Blackhawks played three overtimes in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup, right here on NBC. It went on forever — but on the bright side, it gave NBC its longest-running drama in years.

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.

Kate Middleton made her final public appearance today before she goes on maternity leave. Of course, the public had a lot of questions for her, like, “Maternity leave from what?”

Thu, Jun 27, 2013

#2680

Late Night From 06/13
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let's get real. Aren't we all pretty much working for China?

Some experts believe the privacy scandal will hurt the NSA. Are they crazy? Do you know how many people want to join now that they've heard the guy who blew the whistle is a high school dropout, making almost $200,000 a year, with a poll dancer girlfriend, and he’s living in Hawaii? People are lining up to get this job.

According to a Gallup poll, President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has "impeachment insurance." It's called "Joe Biden."

The world's oldest human tumor has been found on the rib of a Neanderthal skeleton in Croatia. The tumor would have been discovered sooner, but they have government healthcare over there.

Conan
This Sunday is Father's Day. Or as NBA players call it, "Don't Answer the Phone Day."

I'm excited that this Sunday is Father's Day because I'm a dad. Yeah, I don't know what I'm getting yet but I have a feeling the government knows.

A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, "I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white."

A recent court case may have laid the groundwork for interns getting paid. It's the landmark case "Conan vs. the College Students Who Wash His Car."

Late Show with David Letterman
Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he's leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He's now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people.

Opening this weekend is "Man of Steel." Superman. I'm so excited because a superhero movie hasn't opened since Friday.

For my money, the best Superman was Sean Connery.

The whole movie, if you go to see it — this is a spoiler alert — is Superman complaining about having to fly friends to the airport.

Fri, Jun 28, 2013

#2681

Late Night From 06/14

Real Time with Bill Maher
"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain's bad ideas." –Bill Maher

"The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one's free."

"Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?"

"Bill Clinton has been acting weird lately. I don't know why, but it started the day Michael Douglas said you can get cancer from cunnilingus."

"The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?"

"This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it's somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn't care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha."

"The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he's a hero. This is Republicans' worst nightmare. They don't know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion."

Sat, Jun 29, 2013

#2682

Late Night From 06/14

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A 97-year-old man from New York who just received his high school diploma. Turns out there’s a problem. Apparently he’s only reading at a 95-year-old level.

Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.

Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn’t made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.

The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it's not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they're not allowed to drive over there.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A big movie is opening today — "Man of Steel." People in Hollywood are saying it could make $100 million this weekend. To give you an idea how much that is, take the amount of money that the new Will Smith movie made and add $100 million.

Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I'm not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We've got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.

As far as I'm concerned, Christopher Reeve will always be the best Superman. Just like Sean Connery will always be the best James Bond. I'd love to see Superman played by Sean Connery. He could just shave an 'S' into his chest hair.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it's got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It's mostly for security, hotel accommodations — plus Biden wants a giraffe.

Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they're starting to rethink immigration.

Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel “1984” have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, “1984” shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.

Sun, Jun 30, 2013

#2683

Late Night From 06/17

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Father’s Day congratulations to Kanye West, who is a new father. Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence.

The doctor said when he slapped Kim's baby, he regretted that he couldn't slap the entire family.

Kim says she wants to keep the baby out of the public eye. In fact, the E! network is developing a new show called, "Keeping the Baby Out of the Public Eye With the Kardashians."

This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter.

Late Show with David Letterman
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a baby girl. Does it have any chance at a normal life? Here's what they should do. They should put her in a rocket and launch her to another planet, and hope she's discovered by Ma and Pa Kent.

The new Superman movie, "Man of Steel," is a different look at Superman. It's about Superman's struggles as a guy. I guess we all knew this, but I didn't realize how tough it was — he's kryptonite intolerant.

Do you remember the evil dictator of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? They had elections and he's out. And you thought Ahmadinejad was in a bad mah-mood before. He's really in a bad mah-mood now.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Over the weekend Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl, or as they call it, a spin-off. The birth was witnessed by friends, family, and 150 cameramen.

Scientists say that by the year 2045 we can all be immortal. It involves putting your brain into a robot. But why do we need to figure out how we will live forever? Can't we just ask Larry King?

This immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the Fountain of Youth. Ponce de Léon, the Spanish explorer, searched for the Fountain of Youth in the 16th century. Nobody knows if he ever found it, but he died in 1521. So I'm guessing no.

Scientists say the key to preserving immortality is the brain. Just my luck. The one part of my body I need to preserve is the one I spent my youth actively destroying.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their new baby girl. Yeah, today I saw Kanye wearing a shirt that says “World’s Greatest Dad.” He didn't get it as a gift. He just bought it for himself.

Kim says that she's just glad the baby is healthy, happy, and was born before Kate Middleton's baby.

During an interview, a UFC fighter referred to LeBron James as a dork. When he heard that, LeBron said, “Would a dork wear a headband, a shirt tucked into his shorts, and knee-high socks?”

Mon, Jul 01, 2013

#2684

Late Night From 06/18

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

Nestlé has launched a new premium water called "Resource." They say it is made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side and the higher income side. "Resource" sounds so much better than tap water for women who are really rich and stupid.

Have you seen the ads for Endure, a cool towel? They show people sitting in the sun with the thing around their neck, rubbing their faces in it. In each ad they say the towel uses a proprietary fabric technology that activates when wet to cool a person off. So in other words, it's a towel! All towels do that.

"Man of Steel" is the No. 1 movie. I love how cool Superman's parents were. They knew he was different, but they downplayed it. They didn't want him to be treated special. Imagine if Superman was a kid today. His parents would drag him to school, saying "Our Clark has a kryptonite allergy. He'll need special meals."

Late Show with David Letterman
This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.

The cops in Michigan are digging up a field to find Jimmy Hoffa. We'll let you know just as soon as they find nothing.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made "Death to America" a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.

This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Earlier tonight was the big season finale of "The Voice." It was so exciting. I'm glad that guy or girl won.

Congratulations, winner of "The Voice." That's right, whoever you are. I'm sure this year's winner will turn out to be just as big as last year's winner — Cassidy Pope.

That's who won last year, Cassidy Pope. I've never heard his or her music. Maybe it's good. But Cassidy Pope sounds like a TV show about a cowboy who rides into the Vatican, becomes Pope, and solves crimes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it's approved, while some senators are saying that's the point.

The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn’t sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory.

A new study found that volunteering can actually reduce the risk of heart problems. Which would be awesome news if it didn't also reduce the risk of having a fun Saturday.

Dunkin' Donuts is redesigning its stores so that customers will want to sit down and relax — because if there's one thing that goes through my mind when I see Dunkin’ Donuts customers, it's, “These people need to move around LESS.”

Tue, Jul 02, 2013

#2685

Late Night From 06/19

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in over a year. Obama's vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.

The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975.

In Xalapa, Mexico, a cat named Morris is running for mayor. Do you know the difference between a cat and a politician? Cats don't pretend to care about you.

Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran's economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn't work, he's going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.

Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber's monkey.

Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo.

It's a beautiful day in New York City. It's 77 and sunny, like Martha Stewart.

Have you seen the new Superman movie? The final battle scene between Superman and the evil General Zod is like nothing I've ever seen before except for every other super-hero movie.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" — a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This spying scandal at the White House isn’t going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.

Men’s Wearhouse founder and spokesman George Zimmer has been fired after 40 years with the company. I don't know about you, but I do NOT like the way this looks.

A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to “going through the motions” at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line.

NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, “What do we get if you pick our idea?” And NASA said, “To live.”

Wed, Jul 03, 2013

#2686

Late Night From 06/20

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Vatican has confirmed a second miracle by the late Pope John Paul II, clearing the way for him to become a saint. Under church law you have to perform two miracles to become a saint. That seems a little strict, doesn't it? You perform a miracle — a miracle! And they say, "What else you got?"

The daughter of baseball great Joe Torre, Christina Torre, is being called a hero today after she caught a baby that fell out of a two-story window in New York City. And not only that, but later she went over to Wall Street and caught a couple of stockbrokers that had just jumped out the window.

Bad day on Wall Street — the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen.

Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.

Late Show with David Letterman
During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House.

Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.

See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they've been bugging each other's phones.

Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake's daytime Emmy. The guy's whacko.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Clothing designers Dolce & Gabbana are in a lot of trouble. They have been found guilty of tax evasion. They probably won't do any jail time. Which is a relief because stripes are out this year.

The judge ordered Dolce & Gabbana to pay a huge fine. It could be high as $13 million. That's chump change for Dolce & Gabbana. Those guys giving up $13 million would be like Jay Leno giving up one car.

It would be like Lance Armstrong giving up one syringe.

Apparently, Dolce & Gabbana were an item for 23 years. They broke up in 2005 but still work together. That's got to be tough, working with an ex. I go through it every time Drew Carey's on this show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started.

The on-deck circle was a drum circle.

Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana have been sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. Their lawyers are appealing the sentence while Dolce & Gabbana are appealing the prison uniform. Orange is so last year.

That's right. Dolce & Gabbana were convicted of tax evasion. It didn't help when the judge asked how they pled, and they were like "Fabulous?"

Thu, Jul 04, 2013

#2687

Late Night From 06/21

Late Night with Jay Leno
"Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was." –Jay Leno

"What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at, it's stopping someone from becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

Real Time with Bill Maher

"President Obama spoke was in Germany and spoke at the Brandenburg Gate, which divided that city during the Cold War. Obama said it's taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall, and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone's mail."

"At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people's yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we're going to build on the Mexican border."

"Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They're going to militarize the border. They're going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell."

"We're going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will."

"I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear -- someone coming in the back door."

"The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease. People are already taking advantage of this; they’re calling in sick with a case of the fats."

"I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses.'"

Fri, Jul 05, 2013

#2688

Late Night From 06/24
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tonight on CBS is "Under the Dome," from Stephen King. It is what networks call "an event series." If it's a hit, CBS will put domes in all their shows. It will be "Two and a Half Domes," "Two Broke Domes," "Let's Make a Dome," and "The Domey Awards," hosted by Neil Patrick Dome.

The premise of "Under the Dome" is a town in Maine finds itself under a dome and no one knows why. People have criticized Stephen King because he uses the plot of "The Simpson's Movie." King says he's never seen that movie. You don't have time to watch movies when you're churning out 50 best-sellers each month.

Tonight on "Under the Dome," the dome slammed down and a cow gets cut in half. Witnesses described it as terrifying and delicious.

To me, this dome slamming down is an allegory for our dependence on social media and how it isolates us from each other. Actually, I made that up. It is about cows getting smooshed by a dome.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Paula Deen is having a difficult week. She was deposed as part of a discrimination lawsuit filed against her. The attorney for the other side asked if she's ever used the N-word, and she said, yes, of course. If a lawyer asks you if you've ever used the N-word, the only thing you can say worse than "yes" is "yes, of course."

On Friday the Food Network announced they would not renew Paula Deen's contract, and today Smithfield, a company for whom she endorsed pork products, also severed ties with Deen. Even the other white meat is turning on her.

Pork severing ties with Paula Deen is like spinach cutting ties with Popeye.

Paula Deen was supposed to appear on the "Today" show but instead she posted three very awkward apology videos online. The first one was so awkward and so heavily edited, they pulled it down. I don't mean to generalize, but as far as I can tell, all women named Paula are insane.

Sat, Jul 06, 2013

#2689

Late Night From 06/24
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He's in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn't watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.

In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

Scientists in Japan say that by the end of 2013 they're going to be growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans. How ironic is that? They'll be able to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old heart which got clogged up from too much pork.

Conan
This guy Edward Snowden — there's a global hunt for this guy. They don't know where he is. He might be in our audience right now.

No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, "No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing."

Hostess announced that Twinkies will be back on store shelves in July. They reassured fans that it will not only be the same recipe from last year, but it will also be the same Twinkies.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their newborn girl North West. The baby was named after the direction in which it will try to escape.

Late Show with David Letterman
We had a rough, horrible audience Friday night. Halfway through the show, they were seeking asylum in Ecuador.

This guy Edward Snowden went to Russia — that's one of his stops — and now he's apparently trying to get asylum in Ecuador. Ecuador is where everybody wants to go, right?

Kim Kardashian had a little baby girl, and Kanye West finally popped the question: "How do I of get out of this?"

Actually, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to get married. And I was looking at the guy and I thought, "Gee, I wonder if he's ready for a 72-day commitment."

Sun, Jul 07, 2013

#2690

Late Night From 06/26

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done."

"Bill Clinton hailed the court's decision today, even though he signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law. But in fairness to Clinton, he didn't totally understand the law. When he signed the bill, he thought the Defense of Marriage Act was defending marriage as though it was really just an act."

Colbert Report
"If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that's n institution that bicameral. It's a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation."

Late Show with David Letterman
"The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I'm sure I'll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh's head exploded."

"The next issue for the Supreme Court is defense of a Kardashian marriage."

"Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That's great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Abercrombie and Fitch, Ben and Jerry, me and Paul."

"According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place? It'll be a long campaign. All the guy has to do is stick it out. I hope the guy doesn't get cocky. Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling."

Conan O'Brien
"In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor's race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it's due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
"Until this morning, marriage in the united states was defined as a contract between one man, one woman and the producers of The Bachelor." –Jimmy Kimmel

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The term 'Big Brother' is from George Orwell's book '1984' – where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like 'Creepy Uncle'?"

Mon, Jul 08, 2013

#2691

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning is that we don't need it anymore. Racism is basically over in America, so let's get back to talking about Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It is estimated that 150 million hot dogs will be consumed on the Fourth of July, and another 50 million eaten by a depressed Paula Deen.

Tue, Jul 09, 2013

#2692

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
While 150 million sounds like a lot, that number actually dropped 3 percent from last year. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, the slump in sales is due to the increase in raw material costs. Maybe hot dog sales are declining because the people who eat them regularly die.

Wed, Jul 10, 2013

#2693

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"Texas state Senator Wendy Davis singlehandedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up their filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Microsoft is testing a smartphone that can sense your mood, using a scope that tests your mood and shares them on media sites. I don't need that. I have a fiancee who can test my mood.

Thu, Jul 11, 2013

#2694

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I'm excited to know there is a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. That is a council I'd like to be a part of.

Fri, Jul 12, 2013

#2695

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they're going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START smoking.

Sat, Jul 13, 2013

#2696

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they're against gay marriage. Now they say they're being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how's that feel?"

Sun, Jul 14, 2013

#2697

Late Night From 06/28

Real Time with Bill Maher
"The a**hole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches."

Mon, Jul 15, 2013

#2698

Late Night From 07/08
Part 2

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"The Lone Ranger" movie made a lot of money. People went to see it because it stars Johnny Depp. He wears lots of makeup and speaks in a weird accent. I don't know what he does in the movie.

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, the Lone Ranger's sidekick. What makes more sense than a guy named Lone Ranger needing a sidekick?

Back in "Pirates of the Caribbean," Depp famously based his drunken pirate on Keith Richards. But in "The Lone Ranger," he's playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote. So, also Keith Richards.

The Lone Ranger wears a mask only when he's fighting bad guys, so when he goes off duty no one can tell who he is. Is it really that difficult? I'd just look for the guy riding a white horse with the totally sunburned face with a white half.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
On Friday Dwight Howard announced that he is leaving the Lakers to join the Houston Rockets. Or as Kobe Bryant put it, “Great. Now who am I NOT going to pass the ball to?”

This week at the White House, President Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts. Joe Biden will present him with some fan mail for Yoda.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, “Prison it is!”

There’s talk that a Broadway musical based on the life of rapper Tupac is in the works. So if you love Broadway musicals and gangster rap . . . well, you don't exist.

Tue, Jul 16, 2013

#2699

Late Night From 07/08
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Nathan's held its annual Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4. The winner and seven-time champion was a guy named Joey Chestnut. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. How is that possible? My garbage disposal doesn't work that fast.

Last Thursday we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain. And our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.

In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons.

The show "Cops" is now on the NFL network. That's how bad it's gotten.

Conan O'Brien
On Friday Paula Deen fired her publicist. Her publicist is calling it Black Friday. I can't repeat what Paula Deen is calling it.

A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the United States as the world's fattest nation. In fact, Mexicans now are trying to cross the border just to ask, "Are you going to finish that?"

Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican.

Late Show with David Letterman
Congratulations to Joey Chestnut. He's a competitive eater and he won the Hot Dog Eating Contest out there in Coney Island. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. He gets the check, he gets the trophy, he gets the colon cancer.

It's hot in New York City. Here's how hot it is. The Lone Ranger, instead of a mask, is now wearing a cold compress.

We have new saints — Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII. Pete Rose — once again, no dice.

The new Superman movie has made like $600 million. Superman's real name is Kal-El. When he knew he was going to be in show business, he changed it to Superman.

Wed, Jul 17, 2013

#2700

Late Night From 07/09
Part 2

Late Show with David Letterman
"It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"A new report found that Mexico has passed the U.S. as the most obese country in the world. It doesn't mean we got skinnier. It just means they're fatter than we are. But don't worry – Twinkies are coming back next week, so we should be fine."

"Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still."

"President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name – it's called headlights."

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