Jokes of the day

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Wed, May 29, 2013

#2651

Late Night From 05/15
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent.

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, "Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?"

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it."

Conan
In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he's ever made.

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, "Well, I did promise change."

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, "I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am."

Late Show with David Letterman
Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.

People always say this to me: "Hey, Letterman," they say. "Why don't you make jokes about Obama?" All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why.

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.

Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.

Thu, May 30, 2013

#2652

Late Night From 05/16
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff.

"American Idol" is in trouble in the ratings these days. They are down 40 percent since last year. This season, "American Idol" was beaten by "Duck Dynasty" in the ratings. You know, the show with two dudes sitting in a tree saying, "That a duck?" "No, looks more like a quail."

"Duck Dynasty" is like "Honey Boo Boo" if you replaced the little girl with a duck.

I wonder who they will get to judge "American Idol" next year? Probably people once at the top of their fields, but now with a lot of time on their hands. So maybe the old Pope. I think Pope Classic and Jay Leno would be good judges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A 7-year-old boy wrote a letter to the vice president. He wrote: "I think guns should shoot chocolate bullets so no one will get killed and no one will be sad." Guns that shoot chocolate bullets would be a great way to liven up an Easter egg hunt, wouldn't it?

The sad part is that's the first letter Joe Biden has received since he took office.

Tonight is the much-anticipated release of the new "Star Trek" movie. It's expected to make $100 million this weekend. That's a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates.

Most "Star Trek" fans are men, or a reasonable facsimile.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was the finale of the lowest-rated season in "American Idol" history. You could tell the show was in trouble when they said, "The winner is what's-her-face."

Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, "Audit this!" Or as the IRS said, "OK, see you tomorrow at noon."

This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, "Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?"

Fri, May 31, 2013

#2653

Late Night From 05/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they're called "acting commissioner" because you have to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House.

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being compared to President Carter.

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

Conan
Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit mink. China warned the U.S. that the meat's being sold under the name "Arby's."

JC Penny has a new ad out. It thanks customers for coming back to them. And then the customers explained they're coming back to return crap from JC Penny.

Earlier this week it was announced that Barbara Walters is stepping down. Footage just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drink "on the wocks."

According to a new survey, 42 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters. When they heard this, hipsters said, "Big deal, we had an unfavorable view of ourselves way before you."

Late Show with David Letterman
Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner.

I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference.

That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice.

You can now get breakfast at Taco Bell. They have a breakfast waffle taco. You get your scrambled egg, and your sausage covered with maple syrup, all wrapped in a waffle taco. And it also comes with lap-band surgery.

Sat, Jun 01, 2013

#2654

Late Night From 05/17

Real Time with Bill Maher

"If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don't own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor." –Bill Maher

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'"

"Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that's there's three bullsh*t scandals that we're in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn't report it this week."

Doesn't it matter that these are all bullshit? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn't matter because they're in their bubble. That's where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it's like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker."

"Today, the oversight committee demanded to know why, on the night of the attack in Benghazi, they did not deploy Iron Man."

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida."

"New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows."

Sun, Jun 02, 2013

#2655

Late Night From 05/20
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Yesterday I was presented with an honorary doctorate at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. I will be writing medical marijuana prescriptions in the alley after the show.

I'm a doctor of humane letters and I don't know what that means. I didn't have to do anything to get it. I didn't have to read or write a thesis. I made a mockery of higher education this weekend and now I can invite strangers into my office and ask them to take their clothes off without getting arrested.

Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award.

Justin Bieber actually said he's an artist — in the same way the guy that makes my turkey sandwich at subway is an artist.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It turns out the winning ticket for Saturday’s huge $590 million Powerball drawing was apparently sold in a town called Zephyrhills, Florida. In a related story, Florida residents are getting an unusual volume of calls from their grandkids today.

During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him — though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him.

The Navy announced that its specially trained dolphins found a rare torpedo off the coast of California. You can tell those dolphins are smart because they just turned the torpedo back at us and said, “How about YOU doing some tricks at Sea World?”

Mon, Jun 03, 2013

#2656

Late Night From 05/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.

Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.

So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.

After being booed at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber said, ''I'm 19 years old. I think I'm doing a pretty good job." Hey Justin. I'm 63. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Welcome to show business, pal.

Conan
President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he's doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around.

Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50, it just bought itself a Lamborghini.

Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody win the Powerball thing over the weekend? $590 million, one winner. That's the biggest single jackpot since — well, since Tiger Woods' divorce.

President Obama's had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four "American Idol" judges.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We're almost done with May sweeps. Sweeps — that's when TV networks pull out all the stops to get ratings. In fact, on "Glee," one of the actors is going to come out — as straight!

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night — the question is, "Is this show still on?"

I prefer to judge the performance of this show on its "artistic impact." By that I mean the number of complaints we receive. We're up 30 percent year to year in key demos.

I don't think you want to win ratings in late night. Look what happened on NBC. Who has been No. 1 over there for 20 years? Jay Leno. And what happened? He was fired. Twice! It's like "Well done, Jay. That was great. You're fired."

Tue, Jun 04, 2013

#2657

Late Night From 05/21
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, "I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures." And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

Conan
A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.

According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry — according to white Americans.

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, "We has your son."

A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn't that nice? It was an Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day trying Italian food.

Late Show with David Letterman
There's a new HBO movie this weekend — the Liberace story, "Behind the Candelabra." Liberace claimed that he was not gay. Well, that's good enough for me.

I've seen a little of the film. Meryl Streep is fantastic as Liberace.

We're learning more and more about Liberace. He was addicted to plastic surgery. He had a collection of wigs. And he would change clothing about 10 times a day. Wow, it's like I have a twin!

I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again.

Wed, Jun 05, 2013

#2658

Late Night From 05/22
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
On this day in 1859, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was born in Edinburgh, Scotland. He's the creator of Sherlock Holmes. Arthur Conan Doyle was a man of many talents. He was a writer and a doctor. If he were around today, he would be a frequent guest on "Oprah."

In the novels, Sherlock Holmes was a cocaine addict. But he still solved crimes. I would argue that cocaine does not give you crime-solving abilities. The only thing I ever tried to solve while I was on cocaine was how to get more cocaine.

Some people think Sherlock Holmes was a real person. These people are called "stupid."

I thought Holmes' address in London was real. He famously lived and worked at 221B Baker Street. When I was in London, I tried to find it. There's no 221B. It's just a bank. I walked up and down the street for an hour, being judged by snooty English bankers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops — because they feed on each other.

The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck.

A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined.

In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of "pot tourism." People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.

CBS has become the best-rated network among the 18-49 age group for the first time in 21 years. NBC is still No. 1 among pets whose owners left the TV on to keep them company.

Target is now selling a line of affordable wedding dresses. They say it's perfect for any woman who’s always dreamed of wearing a dress from the same place she buys chips and soap.

New York City is getting a new professional soccer team that will be partially owned by the Yankees. You can tell it's owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won't be playing for that team either.

Thu, Jun 06, 2013

#2659

Late Night From 05/22
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight — and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.

O.J. Simpson is waiting to see if a judge will grant him a retrial. Have you seen how fat O.J. has gotten? He’s so fat, he’s changed his name from O.J. to "Au Jus."

O.J. is so fat, he wants the judge to throw the cookbook at him.

Conan
Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says "I put my sleazy past behind me" like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.

During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.

Brad Pitt said in an interview that he has very few friends. In other words, just one more thing that Brad Pitt and I have in common.

In New Jersey a woman found her lost dog by luring the dog back with bacon. She also found the governor of New Jersey.

Late Show with David Letterman
"Hangover 3" opens this weekend. It's based on the famous novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

For Memorial Day I'm going to the beach. Nothing gives you more comfort than your lifeguard sitting in the chair texting.

Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey.

And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman.

Fri, Jun 07, 2013

#2660

Late Night From 05/23

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, "Yes, we can" to "No, I can't remember."

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRA. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRA scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

Conan
It's coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl's yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, "What do we have to do?"

In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win "American Idol." At last we finally know why "American Idol" is losing so many viewers. They're killing each other.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Time magazine published President Obama's prom photos. He's with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.

Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.

It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants — that's OK?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would've published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn't want to be photographed.

Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. Though it'll be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones.

Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. When they heard that, MySpace was like, "We're back, baby!"

A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.

Sat, Jun 08, 2013

#2661

Late Night From 05/27

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is Memorial Day, when we honor men and women who've defended this country. To them I say thank you. And every year we as Americans celebrate Memorial Day the best way we know how. By having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships.

A lot of Americans got a three-day weekend. Not this American. I've been a citizen for five years. How long before I get the day off?

The only way I can get a day off is if I somehow pre-taped a show. But I just wouldn't do that.

You know who gets the day off? Jay Leno. He's about to get a lot of days off.

I probably shouldn't joke about that. Jay Leno might end up hosting this show.

Sun, Jun 09, 2013

#2662

Tuesday May 28 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Over Memorial Day weekend, "Fast & Furious 6" made a patrillion dollars. The star of these movies is Vin Diesel. In the new movie, Vin and his crew come out of retirement for "one last job." Which, if I'm not mistaken, is what they did in the last two movies. And probably the next two as well.

"Fast & Furious 6" also stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Between The Rock and Vin Diesel, you know the dialogue will be sensational.

The producers said today they are going to start filming "Fast & Furious 7" only when the script is just right. No, that is a joke. Come on! They filmed it already. They did it on an iPhone over the weekend.

I wonder who'll play the bad guy in part 7? I think Jason Statham. He is the perfect tough guy. He's so tough he can beat you up with his thoughts.

Jason Statham just looks at you, and you're toast. In fact, that's how Jason Statham makes toast.

Mon, Jun 10, 2013

#2663

Wednesday May 29 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was announced today that Larry King is going to be hosting a new talk show in Russia. The guests will be speaking Russian and Larry will be speaking whatever language it is that he speaks.

Today is the 60th anniversary of the first two men climbing Mount Everest: Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. Everest is the world's tallest mountain at 29,000 feet. That's really high. How high is it? It's as high as the mayor of Toronto.

Everest is as high as Willie Nelson at a Snoop Dogg concert.

Historians say Edmund Hillary was the toughest dude ever named Hillary. Unless you count Hillary Clinton.

The top of Mount Everest is called the death zone. If you stay there, your body doesn't get enough oxygen. You can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like you're dying while still being conscious. There's a similar place in California. It's called Los Angeles.

Tue, Jun 11, 2013

#2664

Thursday May 30 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tonight was the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The finals were broadcast on ESPN. You'd think something like this would be on The Learning Channel.

Then again, you'd think The Learning Channel wouldn't show "Honey Boo Boo."

Now that there's spell-check, some people think spelling is of little use. It's one of those skills that's become obsolete, like repairing steam engines or hosting a broadcast talk show.

The winner of the spelling bee gets $30,000 in cash. I can't imagine what I'd have spent that kind of money on when I was 14.

Wed, Jun 12, 2013

#2665

Late Night From 05/31
Part 1

Real Time with Bill Maher
"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus."

"Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad."

"Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These dumbasses, do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t' even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing."

"I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy. But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls on him?"

"A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won't ruin your life, it's the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world."

Thu, Jun 13, 2013

#2666

Late Night From 05/31
Part 2

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There's a new movie out today. It doesn't have superheroes or spaceships or Vin Diesels, which means that no one will go see it.

The new movie is called "Now You See Me," and it's about everyone's favorite subject, magic. That is a phrase often used by magicians. Along with "hocus pocus" and "abracadabra" and "hey, why is everyone leaving?"

It's not that difficult to be a magician. All you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to Satan in exchange for mystical powers.

And by "mystical powers," I mean an endless stream of colorful handkerchiefs.

Magic's changed over the years. I used to like the old-school magicians. I don't like the modern-day magicians who just do really lame stunts. David Blaine says "I'm going to hold my breath for 17 days." That's not magic, that's a cure for hiccups.

Fri, Jun 14, 2013

#2667

Late Night From 06/03

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?

President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?

This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.

In Pakistan, the Taliban's No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban's No. 3 man said he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Conan
This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, "I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday."

A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.

CNN is denying rumors that it's phasing out Wolf Blitzer. In fact, according to Larry King, Wolf has a good 70 years left. That kid's just getting started.

Late Show with David Letterman
New York City always has something going on. And you know what it is right now? The bike-sharing program. You get on a bike, you ride it, and then a half hour later you pass it to somebody else. And if you're lucky, you won't need antibiotics.

Kim Kardashian is having a baby, and they announced that it was a baby girl, and they made the announcement on their reality show. The Kardashians are now pleading with the public to respect their never-ending pursuit of self-promotion.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Disneyland has raised the price of admission to $92. That's a lot of money. Maybe they'll use it to buy Donald Duck some pants.

A man in California received 11 pounds of marijuana in the mail by mistake. At least he did the right thing. He called the police and told them someone accidentally mailed him five pounds of marijuana.

The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there's new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I'm sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I'll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Starbucks is now banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It will get even worse for smokers once they realize every Starbucks is about 25 feet from another Starbucks.

During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.

Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, “Yes. I mean, no.”

A new study found that drinking soda is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, soda is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

Sat, Jun 15, 2013

#2668

Late Night From 06/04
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Mama Kardashian, Kris Jenner, is getting her own talk show. These days they'll give anyone a talk show. Kris says her new talk show will be "sophisticated and glamorous." Then she added, "Who wants to buy my daughter's sex tape for $40?"

There is a new book out today called "Joyland," by Stephen King. When he started out, critics didn't like his books. Over time things changed. Just like with this show, minus the part about things changing.

King's new book, "Joyland," takes place in a creepy old amusement park. It's about a carny. Now carnies are terrifying, except Carnie Wilson, who's adorable, with or without stomach staples.

Stephen King's already working on his next book. He says it's a fantasy set in a desolate, empty environment. So I'm thinking maybe a theater that's showing the new Will Smith movie.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tiger Woods is about to sign another big endorsement deal with Nike. Tiger already has more money than he could ever spend. He's excited about this deal in particular because it brings him something he doesn't have, which is even more money.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting a baby girl. Finally a girl Kardashian.

The baby news was revealed Sunday night on "Keeping up with the Kardashians." Do you remember when Kim said she wanted to become a more private person? That was funny.

When the Kardashian baby is born, legally it belongs to Ryan Seacrest. They have to hand it over to him. He's the producer of her show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day. This explains that new vacation plan: buying an adult Mickey Mouse costume and taking your kids to Six Flags.

A family has to pay $400 for Disney World for one day. Parents will be like, "All right, kids, mom and dad are going to Fantasy Land. You guys stay here in Motel Land."

It's $400, but it's all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups.

Sun, Jun 16, 2013

#2669

Late Night From 06/04
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!

IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, "I'm going to stay, and I want my money." And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt.

Did you watch “Game of Thrones” on Sunday? The show ended with a huge massacre. That's two massacres I saw this week, if you count the Heat-Pacers game.

Convicted killer Joran van der Sloot is engaged and will get married in a prison in Peru. I've got a better idea. Cancel that wedding. Let's fix him up with Jodi Arias, have them go on a date, and let nature take its course.

Conan
A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to "be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us."

Disney is coming under fire for raising the price of admission to Disneyland to $92. Even worse, it now costs you $350 just to get out of "It's a Small World."

A frozen berry mix has been recalled after giving 34 people in different states hepatitis A. Also not helping is that the berries used to go out with Michael Douglas.

Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings — all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time.

I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, "Hey, what's that?" I said, "Hey, let me tell you something. This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew."

Dunkin' Donuts will start putting bacon on a glazed doughnut. Every sandwich comes with a coupon for bypass surgery.

We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They've been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, "Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can't enjoy yourselves, if you can't every now and then pat yourself on the back?"

Mon, Jun 17, 2013

#2670

Late Night From 06/05
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
Domino's Pizza leads the way in delivering pizzas. Guess what they're now using? Drones! Unmanned drones delivering your pizza pie — what could possibly go wrong?

When I used to order a pizza it would come in an old Toyota. The guy showing up would be an undocumented guy in a Toyota. What was wrong with that?

Today the air space over New York City was closed for four hours. It was because on the radar they picked up one of those pizza drones headed to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's house. They scrambled some fighter jets.

More black eyes for baseball due to performance-enhancing drugs. Guys would go to an anti-aging clinic in Florida and get juiced up and then come back and play baseball. Among these players is Alex Rodriguez, who could be suspended for 100 games. A-Rod was accused, singled out. Out of habit, Lance Armstrong issued a denial.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Did you see the country music awards earlier tonight? I haven't seen them yet because we're live. So don't tell me if the guy with the hat and big belt buckle won. He is my favorite, especially when he sings that song about things going wrong.

The country music awards gave a lifetime achievement award to whiskey for contributions to country music.

At the country music awards, no one goes home empty-handed. The winners get trophies. The losers have something to write their next song about.

There were rumors that Taylor Swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking — like a stable relationship.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that Major League Baseball is planning to suspend 20 players, including A-Rod, for using performance-enhancing drugs. Which raises a lot of questions, like, “Don't you have to be playing to be suspended from playing?”

Google announced that it is buying a wind farm in Sweden. And not to be outdone, Bing is buying an oscillating fan off of Craigslist.

The price of courtside tickets at tomorrow's NBA Finals is $17,000. Or as LeBron's teammates put it, "We get to watch it for free!"

Tue, Jun 18, 2013

#2671

Late Night From 06/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment.

A new study says 20 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as very happy. However, only 1 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as a woman in her 40s.

Conan
An 84-year-old woman from Florida has come forward as the winner of the $590 million Powerball lottery. The 84-year-old would have come out sooner, but the last two weeks she has been driving home from the store where she bought the ticket.

Google has banned a pornography app for its new Google Glass. A Google spokesman said, "We're a principled company. If you want to look at smut and filth, you'll just have to look at our website."

Domino's Pizza has released a YouTube video of the company delivering pizza by a drone. This is shocking — showing something that kills innocent civilians every day getting delivered by a drone.

Wed, Jun 19, 2013

#2672

Late Night From 06/06

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens.

A judge has finalized the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce — thus clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed mother. Kim revealed she's having a baby girl. If you're looking to get her a gift, we could all chip in and pay for her next 20 years of therapy.

Conan
The 84-year-old woman who won the half-billion-dollar Powerball lottery asked for it to be given in a lump sum. Then she said, "Actually, can I get that in the next hour?"

It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, "The friends and family and Obama plan."

Toyota has recalled over 200,000 Priuses. Apparently there was a problem with the engine that prevented the drivers from acting smug.

A rapper has been arrested for allegedly stabbing an NFL player. The rapper's being charged with impersonating an NFL player.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's not a good day if you value your privacy, which of course I do because I do this show.

This is a great way to keep yourself nice and private — being on CBS in the middle of the night.

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, "rough week, huh?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, "You hang up first." Then my wife said, "No, YOU hang up first!" Then Obama said, "Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?"

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: “They can hear you now.”

Action star Steven Seagal is close to signing a deal to promote Russia’s arms industry. Or in simpler terms, Steven Seagal has become a villain from a Steven Seagal movie.

Steven Seagal will promote Russia’s arms industry. In fact, Seagal has a lot in common with Russia: He’s big, intimidating, and something America hasn’t thought about since the '80s.

Thu, Jun 20, 2013

#2673

Late Night From 06/07

Real Time with Bill Maher

"Big breaking news about something we've known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, 'The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife.'" –Bill Maher

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'"

"Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not the fries on the way home."

"Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she's tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, 'If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone.'"

Fri, Jun 21, 2013

#2674

Late Night From 06/07

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.

President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it's not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That's not what it's about.

The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?

The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.

If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, “We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.”

Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That's weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet.

President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, "Why, so you can read our emails faster?"

As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word “senior” twice. That probably explains why they didn't get into “collage.”

Sat, Jun 22, 2013

#2675

Late Night From 06/10

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.

A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, “You’re being watched.” To which NBC executives said, “Finally! We would love to be watched."

People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.

Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, "Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it."

Conan
Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.

It's been reported that Kanye West will not be in the delivery room when Kim Kardashian has her baby. This was at the request of the baby.

Scientists have discovered a 55-million-year-old fossil, which makes it the oldest primate fossil. Or as Larry King calls it, wife number two.

McDonald's has started introducing breakfast items at night for what it calls an after-midnight menu. It's all part of McDonald's' new slogan, "Welcome alcoholics."

Late Show with David Letterman
The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It's people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They're the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.

You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.

This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.

Happy birthday to the president's daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, “You first.”

Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans’ phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he’s hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, "I don't want to be punished by the government — so I guess I'll go to China."

He went to China to avoid government persecution. That’s like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.

Over the weekend, a woman interrupted the finale of “Britain's Got Talent” and actually started throwing eggs at Simon Cowell — at which point she won “Britain's Got Talent.”

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