Jokes of the day

2626 - 2650


Sat, May 04, 2013


Late Night From 04/23
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as "Kardashianism."

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer's DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash's wife, June Carter. But they didn't believe her — because she couldn't “walk the line.”

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years.

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can't even save our prime-time lineup!

Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday was Earth Day, and you know what I found here on the 14th floor? — an old-fashioned coal-powered typewriter. I'm so embarrassed.

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad news?”

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.

Sun, May 05, 2013


Late Night From 04/24
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
You know what the worst job in America is? It's newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him.

It was dubbed the worst job because it's high stress, low pay, and often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. “Hey guys, guess what? Our lives stink.“

According to a study, the best job in America is actuary — primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don't have to do much.

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country's president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn't a great choice either.

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it's just a miscommunication — while Americans say it's payback for "Gangnam Style."

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter.

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they're humble. If they cover it, they're respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they're standing next to you on the subway.

Mon, May 06, 2013


Late Night From 04/24
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground.

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face.

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers.

Late Show with David Letterman
I'm Dave Letterman, and I am living proof there is no background check for talk-show hosts.

You’re probably saying to yourselves, “What big American pointless cultural event is coming up in a couple of days?” The NFL Draft, of course. I liked it when the NFL was all volunteer.

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te'o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They're going to take the best athlete available. It's the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.

Tue, May 07, 2013


Late Night From 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!

In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him.

According to a new study, L.A. has the worst traffic in the United States. In fact, traffic is so bad in L.A. that SUV now stands for “stationary utility vehicle.”

The NFL draft was today, which is a huge deal. This is the time when college football players go from being paid under the table to being paid OVER the table.

Late Show with David Letterman
It was so sunny today that Reese Witherspoon came out of the police station squinting.

Today is Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day. I brought in my kids: Tina, Nancy, and Frank, Jr.

Actually, my son Harry came with me to work today. It was great. He fired a writer.

And then my son told me he wished my name was Jimmy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin's hair is real. You can comb it and everything.

NBC has plans for a new game show called “The Million Second Quiz” in which contestants will answer trivia questions 24 hours a day for 12 days straight. Does NBC really expect us to pay attention to something that lasts a million seconds? I can barely get through a 45-second cat video on YouTube.

Tonight is the first round of the NFL Draft. What's most entertaining is their names. The number one NFL Draft name for 2013 is Barkevious Mingo. It sounds like a character from "Game of Thrones."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there's another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton's clothes.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush’s presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking.

The stars of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have a new project in the works. Yeah, they say they're working on a family cookbook. Which sounds good until you find out that the first recipe is just going to McDonald's.

Wed, May 08, 2013


Late Night From 04/26

Count Down With Bill Maher
"They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas." –Bill Maher

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald."

"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many."

"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it."

"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened."

"[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?"

"The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle, a boat, that was on land." –Bill Maher on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise." on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

Thu, May 09, 2013


Late Night From 04/26

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.

Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours. Thank you.

The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's Ok.

Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don't even remember what the old one looked like, all right?

Late Show with David Letterman
It's not a federal holiday but today you’re supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it's take your son or daughter to where you used to work.

In China, kids take their parents to work.

We have a new $100 bill. How many folks have seen a $100 bill lately? I haven't seen one since the ’70s.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It turns out that former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o did not get picked in the first round of the draft. But they told him he was, so it's all good.

After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren't sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat.

A woman in Florida is being praised for turning in over $36,000 in cash to the police after finding it on a golf course. Authorities are saying it's a selfless move, while the woman is like, “Good. Because I found $80,000.”

Fri, May 10, 2013


Late Night From 04/29
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Jason Collins became the first active athlete from a major American sport to come out of the closet. He wrote an article in Sports Illustrated. He said, “I'm a 34-year-old NBA center, I'm black, and I'm gay. For those who don't follow sports, this is like a contestant on “Project Runway” coming out as straight.

Here's a disturbing bit of progress. Microsoft is allowing video gamers to order pizza directly from their Xbox. Previously they had to yell for their mom to make them a sandwich.

Thanks to the new pizza app, you can place an order using your controller. Please don't tell Michelle Obama about this.

Xbox will not stop until humans and couches become one.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay — while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.

Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, “Hello!”

Tim Tebow was officially released from the New York Jets. So I guess all that praying finally paid off.

Gary Busey is on tonight’s show. This will be one of the few interviews where I finish with more questions than I started with.

Sat, May 11, 2013


Late Night From 04/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids.

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part.

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers.

According to a new study, fatty foods can boost your memory. Eating junk food can make your memory better. There was a similar study done five years ago. It was April 17, 2008, at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. I remember it was drizzling. I had a dark suit with a yellow tie. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, “I don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing I'm gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards."

The founder of the 99 Cent Stores died. The family asked in lieu of flowers, donations be made to everyone who shops at the 99 Cent Store.

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side.

Late Show with David Letterman
The Tim Tebow era lasted about 16 games. The Jets fired him. He was so angry he picked up his helmet and he threw it. It went about 10 yards.

The 99 Cent Store founder passed away. He would still be alive if he hadn't gone to a 99 cent doctor.

Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, “Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.”

Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he's gay. He's a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He's not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore.

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn't it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like he plays for the Lakers.

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat.

Sun, May 12, 2013


Late Night From 04/30
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In the Netherlands today there is much celebration as they swear in a new king. William is the first Dutch king in more than 120 years. Basically he's king of a bunch of pot and windmills.

What do you actually do as king of the Netherlands? They don't seem to have any laws to enforce.

"King of the Netherlands" sounds like something you would call a friend who got too stoned.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.”

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high fiving everyone they know.

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news.

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.”

Mon, May 13, 2013


Late Night From 04/30
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: So good for him.

There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He's 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he's looked for the last 30 years.

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video.

NBA player Jason Collins' former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons.

Jason Collins' former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn't cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA.

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te'o's fiancee said, "Well, at least you exist."

Late Show with David Letterman
Earlier today the annual Tony Award nominations were announced and I just want to say that once again "The Late Show" received a nomination. It's not one of the big categories but still it's a nomination — biggest waste of a Broadway theatre.

You know who was actually nominated? Tom Hanks, for best actor. Finally something good happening to Tom Hanks. It's about time things started to go his way.

Say what you will about Broadway. I was thinking about this earlier. For me it's still solid — the best entertainment in the city at $500 a seat.

The Tim Tebow era is over here in New York City. He was fired by the New York Jets. A lot of fans are blaming Matt Lauer.

Tue, May 14, 2013


Late Night From 05/01
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on She's 71, and says she's looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids?

Martha says she's a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she's Tupac listening to rap.

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap.

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who's single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it's like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.”

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.”

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.

Wed, May 15, 2013


Late Night From 05/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the "Today" show that she is looking for a man on You would think it'd be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It's tough for her. A lot of guys don't want to get involved with an ex-con.

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs.

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I'm sorry. That's what we did here. I had it backwards.

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he's gay. It turns out he's a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He's got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical.

Domino's Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino's said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong.

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don't get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don't need a scoreboard.

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don't require a degree. By the way, I'm one of them.

Late Show with David Letterman
Martha Stewart has signed up with, the dating thing. And she's been taking dating tips from the CEO of And I thought, "Wait a minute. That's insider dating."

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the "Jimmies."

There's another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show.

It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian.

Thu, May 16, 2013


Late Night From 05/02
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new study finally explains what's wrong with young people. Researchers have proven that young people are greedy and more materialistic. The study is in something called a newspaper. It's like a blog. But everything in it is from yesterday.

The study refers to young people as millennials. It says they perform poorly in job interviews. There's nothing worse than a bad interview — realizing a person sitting across from you has checked out and just doesn't care. Ask any of my guests on this show. They'll tell you. It's a terrible experience.

I get annoyed when people do studies like this. They break society into different groups. Then they assign everyone in the group with the same set of characteristics. I can't stand that kind of small-minded thinking. Then again, I'm a Taurus. We're all like that.

I don't consider myself a baby boomer. To me, that means hippies. What do I have in common with a hippie? I never went to Woodstock. I never wore flowers in my hair. I never took huge amounts of LSD and then battled killer ducks who I swear were out to kill me. All right, I did the last one but I didn't think it was groovy.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.

That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, "Uh, I'm president, aren't I?"

Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are teaming up to build a new theme park in Alabama. You can tell because the sign on the roller coaster says, “You must be this shirtless to go on this ride.”

A new survey found that 49 percent of Americans think movie trailers give too much away about the plot. Especially that one trailer that starts with, "In a world where Bruce Willis is dead the whole time . . ."

Fri, May 17, 2013


Late Night From 05/02
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.

While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they've got it down. That's like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.

Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president — and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.

A New York City real estate company will give a 15 percent raise to any employee who gets the company logo tattooed on his body. Actually, I got the NBC logo tattooed on my body, but it’s just a temporary tattoo. It will be gone next spring.

Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.

That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.

Yahoo has put out a list of five dying careers, which includes reporter and insurance underwriter. The only one they forgot is Yahoo employee.

The owner of an ice cream truck named Snow Cone Joe was arrested for allegedly stalking his rival truck, called Mr. Ding-a-Ling. It's being called the saddest turf war ever.

Late Show with David Letterman
I was walking to work today and I ran into Pat Sajak, the host of "Wheel of Fortune." We had one of those funny little coincidences that you don't expect. At exactly the same time, Pat said to me and I said to Pat, "Is your show still on?"

Experts at the Department of defense and the Pentagon said that they now know that Osama bin Laden was in that compound for a number of years. He would leave the compound about twice a year. Once he had to go out for jury duty.

Here's how beautiful it is in New York City today. Earlier, Martha Stewart was down at the docks looking for sailors.

On Monday, Martha Stewart announced that she is dating and desperate looking for a man. So she signed up on In her biography, Martha says she likes surprises, but not from the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Sat, May 18, 2013


Late Night From 05/03

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.

It is wildfire season here in Southern California; there’s a big wildfire about 20 miles from the studio. They are calling it the Lindsay Lohan fire. It’s not as hot as it used to be, but it’s still way out of control.

You ever notice that all these rehab facilities have names like Next Steps, Morningside, and Promises? Lindsay Lohan needs a place called Miracles.

It was so hot today in Burbank that Reese Witherspoon was sitting in a cop car just for the air conditioning.

Late Show with David Letterman
This weekend, on Saturday, is the Kentucky Derby. I think it's held in one of the Southern states.

This year will be the first time they have an openly gay horse.

It's a beautiful day here in New York. It was so beautiful, so sunny in New York City today that people were actually walking up to Iron Man and saying, "Aren't you hot in that thing?"

Iron Man is older now. He started out in the prime of life, and in "Iron Man 2" he got a little older, and now in "Iron Man 3" he actually has to take an iron supplement.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Iron Man 3" opened today. In this one, Iron Man goes up against his most dangerous enemy yet: rust.

I like the fact that Iron Man doesn't keep his identity a secret. Everyone knows he's Tony Stark. So he's free to be himself. He won't let a uniform hide who he truly is. Like the NBA's Jason Collins.

Iron Man, of course, is played by Robert Downey Jr. He is fantastic. But he's saying that this will be the last time he plays Iron Man. That's Hollywood code for, "Hey movie studio. Pony up."

Robert Downey Jr.'s girlfriend is played by Gwyneth Paltrow. She plays the character of Pepper Potts. How'd they come up with that name? An executive said, "Give me a condiment and a cooking utensil."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This is a big weekend. On Saturday you've got the Kentucky Derby, and this Sunday is Cinco de Mayo. And Monday is the day you wake up and wonder why you're wearing a saddle.

Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.

A man managed to hitchhike 100,000 miles without spending any money on travel. He says he did it all with a friendly smile, a positive attitude, and an ax.

There's a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.

Real Time with Bill Maher
"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments."

"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent."

"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises."

Sun, May 19, 2013


Late Night From 05/06

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, "I dare you to do better" — to which the students yelled back, "No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!”

Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won't be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it's progress.

Taco Bell's chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they've been serving is the high-end stuff?

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, "If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today."

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible.

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, "I'm a bishop. I'm supposed to move diagonally."

Late Show with David Letterman
Sunday was Cinco de Mayo. I don't know exactly what that is, but I celebrate it.

Cinco de Mayo is the day we honor people that we're trying to keep out of the country.

Cinco de Mayo here in New York City is not as much fun as it used to be because Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed salt and alcohol.

Also over the weekend was the Kentucky Derby. It featured a lot of things — a woman jockey and, as I understand it, the first openly black jockey.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is raining in L.A. When it rains here, everybody loses their minds. In the rest of the country, everybody knows how the deal with weather, but in L.A. we don't. We're on storm watch 2013.

It was very wet here in L.A. Nobody was walking anywhere. The traffic wasn't moving. And then the rain started.

How wet was it? It's so wet today that NBC replaced Jay Leno with Aquaman.

It was so wet, Reese Witherspoon got a DUI on a jet ski.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
"Iron Man 3" made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It's the second biggest opening behind "The Avengers," which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now.

The only thing I didn't understand when I saw "Iron Man 3" was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook?

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts.

I make it a policy to not get news from any network with an exclamation point in its name.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?”

Over the weekend the Twitter account for the E! network was hacked. Apparently the hackers started tweeting fake stories about real celebrities — as opposed to what E! normally does, which is tweet real stories about fake celebrities.

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.”

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You're Drinking in Here.”

Mon, May 20, 2013


Late Night From 05/07

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled.

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again.

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that's minus the Medicare deductible.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don't you think a gun created by a printer would jam?

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it's the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters.

Late Show with David Letterman
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, "Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code."

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart.

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, "Well, that would be great if I had a job."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, "Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?" And 50 people raised their hands.

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they'd just go see the Lakers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately.

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He's the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's “Iron Lady.” Or as Biden put it, "Can you introduce me to Iron Man?”

Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that large sections of New York City will get free Wi-Fi by the end of the year. Bloomberg says he's excited to bring a new service to New Yorkers. New Yorkers say they're excited to complain about it the moment it goes down.

Last night’s episode of “Dancing With the Stars” had the worst ratings in the history of the show. You can tell "Dancing with the Stars" is struggling because it was just named a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars."

Tue, May 21, 2013


Late Night From 05/09
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A volcano in Alaska has been erupting for about five days. Alaska is a huge state. It's so vast, white, and frozen, that the early settlers gave it the nickname "Nicole Kidman's forehead."

They have some weird laws in Alaska. This is true. It is against the law in Alaska to awaken a sleeping bear. Who's going to break that law? "I've had a couple of drinks. I'm going to wake a sleeping bear."

All this volcanic ash over Alaska can cause big problems. We're all worried about one thing: ash drifting into Canada and disrupting the hockey playoffs.

Volcanic ash can really mess with airplanes. And we can't let this volcano disrupt our air travel. That's the government's job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, "I'm calling for Kim to do me a solid" and release Kenneth Bay." How do you think the Koreans will translate "do me a solid?"

I'm sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case.

Wouldn't it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe.

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the "Space Jam" poster hanging over Kim Jong Un's bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.

This Sunday is Mother's Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch.

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother's Day this year. For any woman who's been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168.

A movie version of "Dungeons and Dragons" is in the works. It's expected to set all-time records for people saying, "Ticket for one, please."

Wed, May 22, 2013


Late Night From 05/09
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, "I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with."

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.

Late Show with David Letterman
Do you know what cicadas are? Every 17 years they come up out of the ground and then they attack everything. This year they're expecting a trillion cicadas. Mayor Bloomberg is advising New Yorkers to move their marijuana plants indoors.

The cicadas are back after 17 years, but they don't have their original drummer.

Domino's now has a thing where you go to your computer and you can watch them making the pizza. I liked it better when they just left that to the imagination.

Tom Hanks was voted the most trusted man in the United States. I was on the list but a little farther down. I was between Reese Witherspoon and Maury Povich.

Thu, May 23, 2013


Late Night From 05/09

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
On Mother's Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to all mothers who come in. Eating lunch with your mom at Hooters — I guess some guys never get tired of their moms saying, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?

The Dodgers lost again last night. What is that, seven in a row? Their payroll is $239 million and they are in last place. They’re like NBC with baseball bats.

According to researchers, people in the 25-to-35 age group are now experiencing mid-life crises. Who thinks the best years of their lives are behind them at the age of 25? Besides the cast of "Jersey Shore," of course.

Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perve?

Long John Silver's has just hired a new executive to revamp their menu. For starters, he said they're going to start experimenting with something called fish.

Taco Bell has announced they're introducing a new $1 cravings menu. Here's how it works. You pay $1, you eat the food, and then you crave a toilet.

Late Show with David Letterman
The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing.

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.

I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark.

Mars is a frontier. It's wide open. Listen to this. There is only one late-night talk show on Mars. That's how primitive things are on Mars.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for Sir Paul McCartney. During a concert in Brazil, he got attacked by a swarm of grasshoppers. That's a very unusual thing to have happen to you. But it didn't faze him at all. He just thought he was having an acid flashback.

Yesterday police arrested 31 people involved in that big jewel heist in Belgium. That's a lot of people. Now $50 million worth of jewels sounds like a lot, but split 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort.

One of the jewel thieves they captured yesterday was also a lawyer. That is a shame. Now lawyers will get a bad reputation.

Imagine being a jewel thief by night and a lawyer by day. You go from one job taking all that money and wrecking people's lives, and then onto being a jewel thief.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Mother's Day is on Sunday. Americans will spend between $17 billion and $20 billion on Mother's Day. The average spending is about $169 per mom — which is the reason NBA players need so much money.

A giant African land snail was found. Authorities are worried there could be more. They can chew through stucco, and they carry potentially deadly meningitis. So far the snails have been found in Florida, Texas, and in the meatballs at IKEA.

The snails have no natural predators. In fact, city officials are considering bringing in giant French people to eat them.

If you're in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for your life.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.

A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they’re not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.

A new iPhone app can actually figure out how happy users are. Although if you need to download an app to tell you if you're happy, you're not.

Fri, May 24, 2013


Late Night From 05/10
Part 1

Real Time with Bill Maher
"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court."

"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is."

"They want so bad to find a smoking fun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking fun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’"

Sat, May 25, 2013


Late Night From 05/10
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama was down in Texas on his “Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.” Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the "Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour."

While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to "Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi."

Sunday is, of course, Mother's Day, or as Kobe Bryant calls it, "April Fools' Day."

Kobe Bryant is suing his mother over sports memorabilia of his that she’s selling to raise money. He claims she stole his stuff and she’s going to sell it. Now the mom is countersuing. She wants a full refund on her Lakers season tickets.

Late Show with David Letterman
The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.

They're predicting a trillion cicadas for the northeastern part of the United States. They haven't been here in 17 years. When they got to New York City, they saw Yankee Stadium and the first thing they said was, "Wow, Mariano Rivera is still pitching!"

Minnesota is legalizing gay marriage. Unfortunately, there are no gays in Minnesota.

Next, Minnesota is going to legalize the Tony Awards.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There is a big movie out today: "The Great Gatsby." Leonardo DiCaprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants, yet he never seems happy. I don't know who he plays in the movie.

"The Great Gatsby" is based on F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel. I was surprised when I saw that it's in 3-D. I guess they wanted Fitzgerald's sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you.

They should have jazzed up the movie's title as well. They should have called it something like "2 Fast 2 Gatsby."

The movie has marketing tie-ins everywhere. Brooks Brothers has "Gatsby suits." The Plaza Hotel in New York is opening a "Fitzgerald suite." I think that is lovely. A room named after an alcoholic with tuberculosis who drove his wife mad before dying in his 40s. I want to stay in that room!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, “Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?”

Whole Foods is apologizing for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. So if you're a vegan who mistakenly ate one of the salads, that's why it was so delicious.

A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber. It gets even worse when you hear that they polled only 54 percent of Americans.

Sun, May 26, 2013


Late Night From 05/13

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I'll have somebody to hang out with next year.

A Tampa taco restaurant has pulled lion meat tacos from the menu due to protests from animal rights activists. However, lions announced today they will continue eating humans whenever they get the chance.

Late Show with David Letterman
Barbara Walters is retiring. It was her own decision. She was not forced out, like Regis.

ABC is already looking for a woman named Jimmy to fill Barbara Walters' shoes.

O.J. Simpson is back in court today. He's trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide, nothing. Stealing sports memorabilia, 30 years to life.

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, "Look, O.J., we've been through this before. It's a long shot. And O.J. said, "You know what? I think I'll take a stab at it."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's an emotional day at "The View." Barbara Walters told her cast mates she is going to retire. The women were crying, shrieking, and talking over each other. Then Barbara announced she is going to retire.

It was a very hot day here in L.A. It was so hot that "The Tonight Show" moved to New York just for the weather.

It was so hot that people in Beverly Hills actually drank tap water.

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it's just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights."

Wildlife experts are warning that giant, disease-carrying snails have been found in Texas. So if you see one, make sure you immediately saunter away from it at whatever speed you like.

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns.

Mon, May 27, 2013


Late Night From 05/14

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, "Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?

Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with.

OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

Remember: If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There is a big novel out today. If you don't know, a novel is like a blog except it is on paper and it's all stuff that's made up. It's like CNN but it's written down.

The novel is called "Inferno." In "Inferno" it turns out that the epic poem "Dante's Inferno" is a set of clues. In "Dante's Inferno," Satan isn't red and he doesn't have a tail or pitchfork. But that makes sense. Why does Satan need a pitchfork? Is he doing a lot of farming down there?

The classic red-pitchfork devil didn't appear until the 17th century, in John Milton's "Paradise Lost." I know what you're thinking: "Oh, here we go. Another late-night talk show host going on about Elizabethan poets."

Didn't Jay Leno get fired for doing that bit about Milton's "Epitaphium Damonis"?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, "We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter.

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team's long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads.

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

Tue, May 28, 2013


Late Night From 05/15
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who's anyone in show business is in France right now. "But Craig, you're here in Los Angeles." Exactly. I'm lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber's monkey.

The Germans are like, "No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany.

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

One of the people on the jury this year is Nicole Kidman. She is letting them screen the movies on her forehead.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He's serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won't be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we'll have even have "Dancing With the Stars" by then.

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them.

He's hoping if he's granting a retrial they'll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?”

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was "waising taxes."

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while "American Idol" will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest's house.

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