Jokes of the day

2601 - 2625

Newest

Tue, Apr 09, 2013

#2601

Late Night From 03/26

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much “not done” at home as they get “not done” in Washington.

Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter.

A 17-year-old British teenager just sold an iPhone app he created to Yahoo for $30 million. His app takes news stories and condenses them down into just a a few short sentences so people can read them quicker. We already have that. It's called "USA Today."

Infectious disease experts are now warning people around the world to stay away from bats. Do you have to tell people that, really? You know which bats are not dangerous? The ones the Chicago Cubs use.

Conan
Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour.

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling "Bingo" in a Bingo hall. It's being called the first-ever arrest that actually diminished someone's street cred.

Late Show with David Letterman
Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.

They had the annual Passover observation at the White House, and as always the president pardoned a brisket.

The Sweet 16 starts tomorrow. I watch these college kids play basketball and I think to myself, "I hope they're not neglecting their school work."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is the birthday of poet Robert Frost. He once said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat. Maybe I don't understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegory, but if your poem starts as a lump in your throat, you should see a doctor.

I have mixed feelings about poetry. Not many are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some sort of official certification to perform or write poetry. We could call it a poetic license, if you will.

Some say being a poet is a dying profession. It's like being a video store clerk, or a blackberry salesman, or a late-night talk-show host.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.

Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe.

The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song.

If you're not familiar with the show "Splash," celebrities compete against each other diving. We tried to give you good shows but you continue to watch barely famous people dancing.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, “It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown."

A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday’s winning Powerball ticket worth $338 million. Or as he told his five kids, “Great news. Three of you can go to college.”

Wed, Apr 10, 2013

#2602

Late Night From 03/27

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

On Monday night the shows “The Voice” and “Revolution” moved NBC to the number two position in the ratings. You know what that means? Between Easter and Passover is truly the season of miracles.

T-Mobil announced yesterday that they are doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts.

Conan
A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey.

Parts of the Berlin Wall have been removed despite a protest led by David Hasselhoff. Yeah, the thick, crumbling structure that didn't last very long in the 1990s said the wall shouldn't be removed.

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their "It's a Small World" ride. The man said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."

Late Show with David Letterman
Are you all ready for Easter? At my house every year I hide chocolate eggs for my son and later in the day he hides my heart medication.

Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep.

Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bruce Willis is with us tonight. If a terrorist tried to take this show hostage, they'd have a big surprise coming.

Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy.

The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman.

I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when "Gay Divorce Court" hits the air. That's how I'll be spending my days.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, “Any of you ladies want to write it?”

A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC.

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She's angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up.

In an effort to compete with Amazon, Wal-Mart is letting customers buy a product online and then pick it up in the store. The company says it's all the convenience of shopping online without any of the convenience of shopping online.

Thu, Apr 11, 2013

#2603

Late Night From 03/28

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?

Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.

Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That’s got to be some good eating — a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Easter is on Sunday. Americans buy an estimated $120 million pounds of candy for Easter every year. I hope Jesus comes back as a dentist.

We're having a get-together on Easter. Not for the kids. It's an adult thing. Eggs are filled with meat loaf. The kids aren't interested.

Yes, Jesus rose from the dead. No, he's not a zombie.

Wal-Mart will test a new delivery method for customers who order online. They're asking shoppers to drop stuff off for other shoppers on their way home. In exchange, Wal-Mart would give them a discount on their bill. So if you always wanted to work for Wal-Mart but didn't want to get bogged down with the paycheck and healthcare, this is for you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano — the person in charge of our national security — recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something — because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.

North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, “Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.”

Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, “Ehh, maybe not.”

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for hunting deer in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. Or as Jeff Foxworthy put it, "Eh, too easy."

Fri, Apr 12, 2013

#2604

Late Night From 04/01
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Researchers found that 25 percent of people say they've pulled an April Fools' Day prank on someone. And 22 percent say they have been pranked themselves. Which means there are 3 percent out there who have been pranked and don't know it yet.

A number of major corporations pulled pranks online. Google introduced a feature called Google nose. YouTube said they were shutting down for two years to pick the best video on the site. And Apple made their user agreement hundreds of pages long. Oh, that was not a prank? Silly me.

The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was "Be healthy, be active, be you." They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. "I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister."

The Easter Bunny got into trouble this weekend. Highway Patrol in San Diego pulled over a man in a bunny suit for riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The cop let him go with a verbal warning. That's the right thing to do. You can't arrest the Easter Bunny on Easter.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it's a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, "Let's win it." Mets fans were like, "Let's have fun out there, you guys."

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher.

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, "Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill."

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, "You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, "Sorry, Justin, I guess you've got to stay."

Sat, Apr 13, 2013

#2605

Late Night From 04/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen.

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.

Conan
This whole week we moved the show from Los Angeles to Atlanta. We have gone from the town where they make hundreds of movies a year to the town where they make tons of Tyler Perry movies a year.

They made three Tyler Perry movies as I was saying that last joke.

Atlanta's number one employer is Delta Airlines. In honor of Delta, tomorrow night's show will be delayed by two hours.

Late Show with David Letterman
In New York City you can park free for as long as you like — anywhere in New York City. Don't worry about the tickets. Mayor Bloomberg says, "It's on me. I'll take care of it." Oh, April Fools!

Every Easter I give my son all the leftover Halloween candy. He doesn't know. He's fine with it.

I'm worried about the Yankees. They're in a lot of trouble. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter are on the disabled list. Jeter, of course, is recovering from a broken ankle. A-Rod is still getting over Cameron Diaz.

Mariano Rivera is back. What a fantastic reliever. I'm worried about him, too. He's 76 and has only one lung.

Sun, Apr 14, 2013

#2606

Late Night From 04/02

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term "illegal immigrant." That is out. They will now use the phrase "undocumented Democrat."

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America's Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.

Apparently back in the '80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn't get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana.

Conan
Man, you Atlanta crowds are loud. I like that. I don't know if this is a late-night talk show or a monster truck rally.

Last night I did a show here and the Braves won their first game of the season. So this morning I got a phone call from the Braves manager. I'd like to announce I'm doing 161 more shows here.

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide.

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Did you see Lindsay Lohan's April Fools' Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she's pregnant. This morning she tweeted "April Fools." Where's everybody's sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it's funny. But with her, it's a reason to call Child Protective Services.

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can't even show up for her pranks on time.

The women's school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball.

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, "counter to what we're trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there's only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she's pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools' Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case.

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools' joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby.

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.”

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.

Mon, Apr 15, 2013

#2607

Late Night From 04/03
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of "The Tonight Show" on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I'm told it's a different Jimmy that's going to be hosting.

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble.

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to the show, everybody. This is "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" — for now.

You've probably heard the news. I'm going to be taking over for "The Tonight Show" next February. But don't worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called.

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, "That's cool. Take your time."

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you'll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.

Tue, Apr 16, 2013

#2608

Late Night From 04/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get "The Tonight Show" again.

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you.

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber.

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.

Conan
Here in Atlanta there are 4,000 more females then males. Of course, 2,000 of them are Tyler Perry in drag.

Even though I'm from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.

The Dave Matthews Band will be performing a free concert here in Atlanta. And I thought having an extremely white guy do a free show for the people of Atlanta was my idea.

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga's grandmother.

Late Show with David Letterman
How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, "Well, David, I see you didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again."

Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's departure. No mention of his official date of return, however.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called "Irony.gov."

Wed, Apr 17, 2013

#2609

Late Night From 04/04
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Fast-food workers in New York City went on strike today. They're demanding the companies double their pay to $15 an hour. If it doesn't happen, there will be no fast food in New York. Mayor Bloomberg has got to be torn on this one, huh?

You will never see this kind of strike happen in New Jersey — not on Governor Christie’s watch.

Texas Highway Patrol pulled over a tanker rig for what they thought was a routine traffic stop, but when they searched the truck, they found 3.9 tons of marijuana in it. This is why you never ask the cops for directions to Willie Nelson's house.

Snoop Dogg has a new song collaborating with Miley Cyrus, making it impossible for fans of either artist to enjoy it.

Snoop is the only recording artist whose greatest hits don't involve music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, "You can map mine for a lot less."

They’re testing a new breakfast sandwich that has eggs and bacon stuffed inside a glazed doughnut. It goes with their new slogan, "America runs out of breath on Dunkin'."

A man in New Jersey was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of perfume. Not good. I mean, if there's one thing you don't want in jail, it’s to smell pretty.

Thu, Apr 18, 2013

#2610

Late Night From 04/04
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship.

Some experts believe North Korea may have the missile capability to reach Los Angeles. That’s why NBC is moving “The Tonight Show” to New York. Of course. It makes perfect sense.

Somoa Air wants to be the first airline to charge passengers by the pound. You stand on a scale, they weigh you, and you pay your fare based on that. In a related story, Governor Chris Christie changed his flight from Samoa to Delta.

Model Heidi Klum was in Hawaii and saved her 7-year-old son from drowning. The rip tide pulled him out, and Heidi jumped in the water and saved him. I was surprised the kid isn’t a better swimmer. He's half seal, isn’t he?

Conan
It's our last night here in Atlanta. I'm leaving Atlanta with many new friends, great memories, and Type 2 diabetes.

The Braves have won every game since I've been here. And not only that, but before I got here the Braves hadn't won a game since October.

The Atlanta Braves are playing their first season in 19 years without third baseman Chipper Jones. But don't worry. He'll still be getting to third base tonight.

Late Show with David Letterman
Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan’s program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, “It's amazing that this information didn't leak out earlier.”

Jay, for leaving “The Tonight Show” for the second time, gets $15 million. It's the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.

Yesterday NBC announced Jay's retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don't have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that's what Fallon ought to be worried about.

They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to “The Tonight Show.” They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host “The Tonight Show.” I have not hosted “The Tonight Show” longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?

Fri, Apr 19, 2013

#2611

Late Night From 04/05

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California’s attorney general, Kamala Harris, “the best-looking attorney general ever." after the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle.

Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it’s Joe’s job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House.

Good news: our buddy Wesley Snipes — remember he went to prison in 2010 for tax evasion — he got released earlier this week. The bad news: He's only got 10 days to file his taxes.

Dunkin' Donuts is testing a new food item. A glazed donut/egg sandwich. If it tests well, it's gonna be used in prisons as a form of lethal injection.

Late Show with David Letterman
We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he's trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some bipartisanship!

Something is always going on in New York City. For example, this week is the New York International Auto Show. Next week: the New York Car Alarm Show.

Everybody’s excited about college basketball’s tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner.

Remember the movie "Jurassic Park" about the dinosaurs? It's coming back in 3-D. But you know what? Honestly, if I want to watch dinosaurs run around, I'll just go to a Yankees game.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Actually, this is a really big weekend. Saturday is the Final Four. Then Sunday you got Wrestle Mania. And Monday your girlfriend comes by to pick up her stuff.

During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, “the best-looking attorney general in the country.” Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, “Well, here's another one: What's black and white and sleeps on the couch?"

President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle.

Delta announced that it is shrinking the size of its bathrooms to add four more seats on every plane. Cuz every time I'm in a plane’s bathroom, I always think: "Man, they could fit at LEAST three more people in here."

Sat, Apr 20, 2013

#2612

Late Night From 04/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that's not Kim Jong Un. That's Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused.

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging.

You know what they call "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," in Stockton? "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

Conan
The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don't care what they drink to people who don't care what they eat.

In New York, a man dressed as the Cookie Monster was arrested for pushing a 2-year-old. The man was immediately hired to be the new basketball coach at Rutgers.

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels.

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away. It is all over social media. But the Twitter hashtag confused some people into thinking that Cher died. There was panic in the gay community. Don't worry. Cher did not die.

An update on Justin Bieber's monkey. When Bieber got to Munich he didn't have the proper paperwork so it was quarantined in an animal shelter. The director of the shelter said a monkey is not suitable to be on a world tour. He should be out in the wild so he doesn't have serious psychological problems later in life.

It is kind of hard to tell if the director was talking about the monkey or Justin Bieber.

To make sure the monkey gets released, I issued an ultimatum. If they do not return the monkey to Justin Bieber by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. Germany takes something we love. We take something they love. It is as simple as that.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un.

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?”

Over the weekend, a rare baseball card was sold at an auction for $2 million. It turns out that it’s an A-Rod card that actually shows him playing.

Sun, Apr 21, 2013

#2613

Late Night From 04/09
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, "Whoa, easy on the tequila."

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with "Hello Kitty" on them.

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since "Gangnam Style."

Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I'm really glad we had this time together.

Happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who turned 87 years old today. He has a wife named Crystal who's 26 years old. She was born in 1986. He was born in 1926. What do they even talk about? He served in World War II. She wasn't even alive when "Ghostbusters" came out.

Justin Bieber has a new haircut. How is it possible that Justin Bieber is getting a new hairdo when his monkey is trapped in a German prison?

Justin Bieber tried to bring his pet monkey on tour with him to Germany two weeks ago but he didn't have the proper paperwork. So the Germans took the monkey. I'm very worried about the monkey. If it stays in Germany, it could develop a taste for techno dance music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?”

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he's challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy.

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year.

Mon, Apr 22, 2013

#2614

Late Night From 04/09
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76.

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong.

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, "You can do that?”

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.

Conan
Wasn't that NCAA championship game exciting? Last night the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Michigan Wolverines to win the national championship. People in Michigan were angry and depressed. Then they heard about the game.

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to "Gangnam Style."

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical "Grease." That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.

Tom Cruise made his first public comments about his divorce from Katie Holmes. He said, "I didn't see it coming." Apparently Katie kept her divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.

Late Show with David Letterman
It’s a beautiful day in New York City — 79 and sunny, like Kelly Ripa.

The Louisville Cardinals are your NCAA national champions. This is the second time in a month that a bunch of cardinals got together and took care of business.

Lindsay Lohan is on the show tonight. I believe it's part of her community service.

All day long people have been coming up to me and saying, "Dave, why is Lindsay Lohan on the show tonight?" And I said, "I think she believes I'm Dr. Phil."

Tue, Apr 23, 2013

#2615

Late Night From 04/10

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, "Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.”

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn't respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn't email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they're adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice.

Conan
A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real.

Japanese engineers have created what they call a "Girlfriend Jacket" that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness.

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.”

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Late Show with David Letterman
It’s 66 degrees outside, and not too bright — just like me.

To go to a game at Yankee Stadium now costs $365 for a family of four. It's getting so that an American family of four no longer can afford to scream obscenities at the Red Sox.

Insiders say North Korea’s Kim Jong Un had plastic surgery to look more like his father Kim Jong Il. I found out today my son is doing just the opposite.

There's some good news for North Korea and Kim Jong Un. Today NBC announced they are bringing “The Tonight Show" back to Pyongyang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
South Korean officials today say they're highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?

Today is day 14 of the Justin Bieber monkey crisis. He brought a monkey into Germany. But the monkey was confiscated and quarantined because Justin didn't have the proper paperwork. I have given Germany an ultimatum. If they do not release the monkey by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. So there you go, Germans. Set that monkey free or we off the Hoff.

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There's a reason he's called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that's how you know it's good.”

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name "Target" is just Spanish for "Fancy Wal-Mart."

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target.

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother?

Wed, Apr 24, 2013

#2616

Late Night From 04/11

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter — because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.

North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan.

A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation's drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws — it's always the people you least expect.

Conan
On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It's being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done.

A 14-year-old boy from China is the youngest golfer to ever compete in The Masters. During his round of golf today, the Chinese boy made two birdies, an eagle, and an iPad.

NASA announced a plan to lasso an asteroid and bring it closer to earth. This is according to the head of NASA — a 6-year-old boy.

DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's a Woman."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant.

Trump’s daughter is pregnant. The thing on his head just lays eggs.

There are rumors that Fox may cancel "Glee" even though it still consistently does well in its time slot. This can mean only one thing: Fox is now run by NBC.

Nostalgia is big business. There's a lot of money to be made in crap that people used to care about. That's what makes me believe there is still hope for late-night television.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. Maybe they're saying they figured out how to make a clock.

Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They're not.

The digital books create something called an engagement index that shows how often they open their book, which pages they read, and whether or not they skipped pages. That’s a great way to get kids to like books. Program the books to tattle on them.

We had a pretty effective way of getting kids to read books when I was a kid. It's called a quiz.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The South Korean pop star Psy of "Gangnam Style” fame just announced that he'll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, “Now they’re really asking for it.”

The MTV Movie Awards are this Sunday, and Brad Pitt will be there to present the award for movie of the year. Brad says he can’t wait to look into a sea of young people and ask them to wish daddy good luck at the show.

I just saw that the Playboy Bunny house, which is across the street from Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, is on the market for $11 million. You can tell it’s the Playboy Bunny house because it looks nice but there's nothing going on upstairs.

New York City is considering a law to ban people from wearing costumes in Times Square after a man dressed as the Cookie Monster shoved a little boy. In his defense, Cookie Monster said, “Boy not give up cookie.”

Thu, Apr 25, 2013

#2617

Late Night From 04/12

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, "Si."

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced the creation of a diversity task force. He said it’s time for baseball to begin letting in players who are not on steroids.

Adam Levine, from “The Voice,” is here to talk about an extremely rare and unusual experience he had — he was on a hit show on NBC prime time!

Actually, that’s not fair. The new NBC show “Hannibal” won its time spot last night. I thought “Hannibal” would do well. Cooking shows tend to be very popular.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Coachella Music Festival started today. It’s held every year in the California desert. A whole weekend of peace, love, and $10 bottles of water.

What kind of a sadist decided to throw a huge concert in the middle of the desert, and then invite bands full of older musicians?

This concert is hotter than Lillian Gish. That’s tonight's joke for senior citizens.

Someday even One Direction will get old. I'm kidding. They will never age. It is part of their deal with Satan.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke.

It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, “Stop helping.”

Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.

Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.

Fri, Apr 26, 2013

#2618

Late Night From 04/15

Conan
I want to take a moment to say that my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Boston and everybody who's been affected by today’s absolutely senseless act. That said, it is our job to do a show and we're going to try and entertain you the very best we can, which given our track record gives you people a 20 percent chance of having a good show tonight.

Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.

Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's founder. He famously said, “Let's have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.”

A magazine has come out with a list of the 20 most hated celebrities, and No. 1 is Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't get that. After hearing this, Mel Gibson said, "What do I have to do?" He's screaming at his agent right now.

According to a new report, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's 30-year marriage is over. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "I was married?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I don't want to bring everyone down but it was a terrible day. Very bad things happened today for no good reason and our thoughts are with the people of Boston and everyone who suffering as a result of the bombings. It's a disgusting thing and I don't understand that. It's my job to make you laugh and I'll probably fail.

Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in.

This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.

Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?

Sat, Apr 27, 2013

#2619

Late Night From 04/16

Conan
Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.

Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you're an FBI informant.

A new study came out that shows that the germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator's vegetable drawer. After hearing this, most Americans said, “We have a vegetable drawer?”

Last night NPR was hacked by a group called the Syrian Electronic Army. Which explains why for five seconds last night, NPR was exciting.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There are rumors that NBC is planning to produce a new season of the sitcom "Friends." Experts say it's been nine years since the show went off the air so only a few people would watch, making it the highest rated show on NBC.

A brewery in Japan has introduced a beer made from elephant dung. How do you market something like that? “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I make sure it comes from an elephant's butt.”

My wife recently got a virus when we went to Britain. If she were an elephant I could make a lot of beer.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A Chinese businessman just purchased a $15 million iPhone. And I would pay $1 million for someone to shove him into the pool with it.

An easy way to tell if you're a terrible person is if you own a $15 million iPhone.

This is the perfect phone for anyone who wants to get mugged immediately after buying it.

You can get the phone for $14,999,950 if you sign a two-year contract.

A study has found that some people can suffer symptoms of withdrawal when they're forced to stay away from social media sites. This is why I'm not even on Facebook. I update my high school yearbook manually with a pen.

Sun, Apr 28, 2013

#2620

Late Night From 04/17

Conan
President Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, “If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?

Jon Hamm recent appeared on an episode of "Sesame Street." It was the first time toddlers were able to plant their moms in front of the TV and ignore them for an hour.

In a recent interview Robert Downey Jr. confirmed he was paid $50 million to star in "The Avengers." Now the Hulk is really angry.

A Fragrance company has come out with a cologne that smells like whiskey. It's perfect for the guy who wants all of the stigma of alcoholism but none of the fun.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Daffy Duck is 76 today. I like Daffy Duck. He is much edgier than Donald Duck. Donald Duck may not wear pants, but Daffy Duck doesn't wear a thing. Nothing!

Daffy is set apart by his bad attitude. He doesn't care if people like him. He's kind of my hero. He is right up there as one of my favorite cartoon characters, right up there with Scooby Doo and Joe Biden.

A few years ago, Warner Brothers tried to reboot Loony Tunes. They changed Daffy's name to "Danger Duck." That happens when executives try to change things. CBS wanted me to dye my hair, but I said, "No way, man." I'm not bowing down like some kind of slave to the corporate agenda. Which reminds me, is it time for commercials?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts.

Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it's from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he's bipartisan.

A man in New York City is convicted of stealing more than $376,000 worth of copy machine toner from the law firm he worked for. They're known for their work with big corporations and investment banks, and also for not ever having any toner in their copier.

Adrian Rodriguez pleaded guilty to second-degree grand larceny. They caught him black handed.

Mon, Apr 29, 2013

#2621

Late Night From 04/18

Conan
TMZ is reporting that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her that he can stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "Who's Sharon Osbourne?"

Chicago has approved a $500 million renovation to the Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field. The upgrade will include a new video screen, enhanced lighting, and an entirely different baseball team.

Two rides at Disneyland have been temporarily shut down due to safety concerns. The most dangerous of these is probably “Mr. Toad's Wild Ride While Texting.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is Superman's birthday today. Happy birthday, Superman! The first Superman comic came out this day in 1938. I spent today walking around with my underpants on the outside of my trousers. Then I found out it was Superman's birthday.

Star magazine had a poll. They named Gwyneth Paltrow the most hated celebrity in America. I said, “That is not fair. Come on! I'm sure other countries hate her too.”

Cupping is an ancient form of medicine. You put cups on the skin, heat them up, and it creates a suction. I'd never do the cupping thing. If someone approached me with a hot cup, it had better be full of hot soup — because I'm old, you see.

Cupping therapy is very popular here in Hollywood. It has been around for thousands of years so it must be very good. It is practically illegal to get old here. So why in Hollywood are old people shunned but old ideas embraced? It is because we are shallow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The second and final week of Coachella starts tomorrow — all in celebration of White History Month.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Coachella, it's a big music festival in the California desert. If you didn't get tickets or if you're too far away, just get high and pass out in a dumpster behind Trader Joe’s. Just like being there.

Disney announced starting in 2015 that they're going to put out a new “Star Wars” movie every summer for the foreseeable future. Next up is “Star Wars episode 7,” followed by “Darth Vader, Mall Cop.”

After that will be “It's a Star Wars Movie, Just Give Us Your Money.”

Tue, Apr 30, 2013

#2622

Late Night From 04/12

Bill Maher
"Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it -- Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon."

"I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it's always a spectacular disaster. He's the only Asian in the world that doesn't test well."

"John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control."

"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'"

"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution...unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea."

"A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom."

"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac."

"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?"

"Paul Ryan said today, 'We don't want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn't even considered.' Really, Paul? That's not what your mom told me."

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome."

"Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram."

"Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king."

Wed, May 01, 2013

#2623

Late Night From 04/19

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
You know what happened this week in New Zealand? They legalized gay marriage. It was a historic week for gay hobbits. This means Bilbo can finally marry Gandalf.

There is a big movie opening today. One of them science fiction epics. It's called "Oblivion" and stars Tom Cruise. Tom is an intergalactic soldier who spends his days fighting aliens. I have no idea what he plays in the movie.

I think "Oblivion" is going to be a return to form for Tom Cruise. Because he hasn't been in a big-budget fantasy project like this since . . . his marriage.

It is hard to believe that Tom Cruise is 49 years old. He's the same age Wilford Brimley was when he played an old guy in "Cocoon."

"Oblivion" takes place in the year 2077. Humans have abandoned earth. But strangely, Jay Leno is still hosting "The Tonight Show."

Bill Maher
"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico."

"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation."

"The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama… believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He's been apprehended, he's facing jail time, and he's leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016." –Bill Maher

"After a very difficult week, it's good to know that bad guys don't get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun."

"90 percent of people support background checks, which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks."

"Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed."

"A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn't vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn't go back to their district in this year after we've dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer."

Thu, May 02, 2013

#2624

Late Night From 04/22

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We were going to have Reese Witherspoon on the show tonight but she’s been booked elsewhere.

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon got arrested for disorderly conduct after she gave police a hard time for arresting her husband for DUI. She admitted that she had been drinking. She kept saying to the cop, “Do you know who I am?” Of course the cops put two and two together: actress, drunk . . . Lindsay Lohan?

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day.

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you're being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don't have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC.

Late Show with David Letterman
It's Earth Day, and because of Earth Day tonight it's all recycled material.

Not only that, but we're also using a solar-powered applause sign.

A new study says people who are entertainers die younger. Yeah, let me tell you something — you try working one hour a day.

On the other hand, you have a guy like Regis Philbin who is almost 90, but technically not an entertainer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

In honor of Earth Day, tonight's program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards.

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it's “Yes, I do, and you're going to jail.”

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that's Earth Day for you. People just get hammered.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started.

Kim said it's nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married.

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?”

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating.

Fri, May 03, 2013

#2625

Late Night From 04/23
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.

Today is William Shakespeare's birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.”

Who else is celebrating a birthday? George Lopez. Shakespeare and George Lopez are very different. One’s a genius whose timeless observations on the human condition can bring tears to the eyes, and the other one's Shakespeare.

We’d better go to commercials now. That's what Shakespeare would have wanted on his birthday.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company's bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, "Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?"

The miniseries "The Bible" was a big hit. Now it's being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn.

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad's been wearing that cologne for 40 years.

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it.

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