Jokes of the day

2576 - 2600

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Friday, Mar 15, 2013

#2576

Late Night From 02/27
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections.

All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest — or an interior decorator.

A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from "Saturday Night Live"? Yeah.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
TLC has renewed its reality show, "Breaking Amish," for a second season. Parents of those kids would be so proud if they had any idea what that meant.

Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend.

In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he'll be back for Christmas and Easter.

Saturday, Mar 16, 2013

#2577

Late Night From 02/27
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it.

In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.

For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If we were a racehorse in England, we'd be a Burger King Whopper now.

President Obama said this week that after four years as president, "you realize all the mistakes you've made." so apparently he DOES watch Fox News.

Conan
Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of "Dancing With the Stars."

The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, "You try staying awake through a Latin mass."

Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

Dave Letterman
It's tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, "Are you sure you weren't tailed?"

Any Catholics with us tonight? Well, I guess you didn't give up entertainment for lent.

Sequesters — any idea what those are? The star of "Rocky" was Sequester Stallone. That's as close as I can come.

Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise.

Sunday, Mar 17, 2013

#2578

Late Night From 02/28
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back.

He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters.

In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He'll say, "Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to the Vatican."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k).

My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter — just like "The Bachelor."

Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft.

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts.

Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, "Catch ya later."

The NFL is investigating reports that several teams have asked players about their sexual orientation before drafting them. They've been asking questions like, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and "Is she real?"

Monday, Mar 18, 2013

#2579

Late Night From 02/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: “Yes, We Vati-can.”

We are now in the middle of Lent. The most common thing people are giving up for Lent this year? Watching NBC.

For the first time in history, NBC is fifth in the ratings. We are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision. As we call that here in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Ratings."

The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te'o to bring in some imaginary viewers.

Conan
Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's.

The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, "Among you is the future Pope." And then he said, "Now enter The Octagon." They're going to fight it out with holy relics.

We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes — or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.

These budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.

Tuesday, Mar 19, 2013

#2580

Late Night From 03/01

Friday Mar 01 2013The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place?

The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off.

At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything.

Gas is so expensive, today I saw Bill O'Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There's a big movie out today. It's called "The Last Exorcism Part 2." How can it be called "The Last Exorcism Part 2"? By definition, a movie called "last anything" can't have a sequel. It's not possible. Unless — unless Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars.

In the first "Last Exorcist," a young girl gets possessed by Satan. The priest performs an exorcism to try and cast him out. I guess in part two, the devil returns because he forgot his wallet or something.

Some people think I got this show because I made a deal with the devil. It's true, actually. Nine years ago, the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. But I broke the deal. Now I'm condemned to this place for all eternity.

If you're scheduling an exorcism, you need to make sure someone's actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly and pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Groupon fired the founder and CEO of the company. Yeah, he could tell something was up because today's deal was his parking space.

A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, "Did you say treat?"

Kim Kardashian said that couples should be together for at least six months before they decide to get married. And they should stay married for at least six days before they decide to get divorced.

A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news.

Wed., Mar 20, 2013

#2581

Late Night From 03/04

Conan
The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a "Star Trek" convention but less celibate.

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.

Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya.

Horse meat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell's new slogan, "You can lead a horse to Taco Bell. We will take it from there."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
President Obama's half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He's a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don't know much about the half-brother.

Many people don't realize Chicago is the home of two major cookie companies — Keebler and Nabisco. They are intense rivals. No one will forget the Great Keebler Elf Massacre of 1934.

The massacre was horrible. Hats and pointy shoes everywhere. Three elves were found face-down in a pool of their own fudge.

Police described the scene as delicious.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A new season of Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice" started last night. It includes Steven Baldwin and others who are celebrities — in the way that "I Can't Believe It's not Butter" is butter.

The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra.

Thur., Mar 21, 2013

#2582

Late Night From 03/05

Conan
Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on "Vatican's Got Talent."

The top choice to be the new Pope could be a Canadian. If elected Pope, his first act is to grant sainthood to Wayne Gretzky.

Researchers say they have figured out exactly what caused the crash of the Hindenburg. The culprit: a time-traveling Lindsay Lohan.

Last night Justin Bieber outraged fans by showing up two hours late for his concert. In fact, I've got to tell you, I almost left.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is Election Day. We're going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor?

It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of "The Tonight Show."

One candidate is named Kevin James. Not the actor. This Kevin James is a former lawyer. And a gay Republican. Kevin James the actor and Kevin James the politician are very different, of course. One is the king of queens. And the other . . . well.

L.A. has never had a female mayor, a Jewish mayor, or gay mayor. I'd be really impressed if a candidate was all three. This is who I want.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Justin Bieber made a lot of fans angry in London last night. He had a concert that was supposed to start at 8:30 but Justin didn't get out there until 10:30. Half the audience was kids on a school night, which means they were late getting home and had to go straight to bed without brushing their teeth, and the British really can't afford to miss a night of teeth brushing.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

We have a lot of fat dogs in this country, which makes sense. We give them treats if they sit and stay; it's the worst thing you can do. We're enablers.

Friday, Mar 22, 2013

#2583

Late Night From 03/06

Wednesday Mar 06 2013Conan
A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt — and then the snowstorm hit.

Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, "Now I'll never see it."

Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women.

Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. Finally a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was, too.

Today Chavez is being mourned all over South America. If he were here today, I'm sure he'd say, "Don't cry for me, Argentina."

The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher.

South America was the birthplace of the Incan civilization. The Incans were sort of like the Mayans, except they didn't go around falsely predicting the end of the world.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It's a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times.

Actually it's designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn't every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo?

Doesn't the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler?

The world's cardinals are meeting to prepare for the conclave that will choose the new Pope. The rumor is they already have a candidate selected and they're just waiting on the results of the urine test to come back.

Saturday, Mar 23, 2013

#2584

Late Night From 03/07

Conan
President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said "Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend."

North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?

Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store.

Scientists have recently created a robot that can bake cookies. And by scientists I mean two stoned kids who work at RadioShack.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate.

Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones?

They say the comet is visible to the naked eye. The naked eye? My eyes are always naked. Do people wear eye clothes now?

There are a lot of people watching the comet tonight. I'm surprised that advertisers aren't sponsoring it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation.

Zuckerberg said that with this improved news feed Facebook hopes to give the world "the best personalized newspaper that we can." He's playing it a little bit loose with the word "newspaper." A newspaper tells us that North Korea is threatening to attack us, not that your friend went to Panera Bread this afternoon.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of "Footloose"?

Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?

Sunday, Mar 24, 2013

#2585

Late Night From 03/08

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There is a big movie out today: "Oz the Great and Powerful." It's a prequel to "The Wizard of Oz." I'm thinking this is a little risky making a prequel to that movie. It is an American icon. That's like the French making a prequel to the Statue of Liberty.

I hope this movie isn't some hipster version of "The Wizard of Oz" where the Tin Man gets taken to the recycling center and the Scarecrow is exchanged for a sparkly vampire.

James Franco plays the man who eventually becomes "Oz." He's a conman who tries to trick gullible people into thinking he has special talents. I don't know what he does in the movie.

Franco's performance is already generating Oscar talk. As in people saying, "Hey, isn't that the guy who ruined the Oscars a couple of years ago?"

I feel bad for James Franco, being remembered as the guy who ruined the Oscars. Halfway through he realized that the audience hated him, and then he just gave up.

Monday, Mar 25, 2013

#2586

Late Night From 03/11
Part 2

Late Show with David Letterman
Today the groggiest day of the year because of monkeying with our clocks. But the biggest waste of time about resetting your clocks is trying to line up that little hole in the clock with the nail in your wall.

You now can take pocket knives on commercial airlines. And you can also take pool cues on commercial flights. This is great news if you're a knife-wielding pool hustler.

North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Thanks to daylight saving time, we lost an hour this weekend. If you're watching this show, you're about to lose another hour.

Everyone is talking about is these Google glasses. When I say everybody, I mean me.

Google glasses are the next stage in the evolution of eyewear. Wear these and record everything you see. It's like you have a memory!

People are already worried about radiation from cellphones. So why not make a device that you can put next to your eyes all day?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn't work, they'll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.”

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he's called these days, "The Bachelor."

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both "authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese." Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one.

Tuesday, Mar 26, 2013

#2587

Late Night From 03/11
Part 2

Monday Mar 11 2013The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and fill that.

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again.

Conan
The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the train?"

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.

Wed., Mar 27, 2013

#2588

Late Night From 03/12
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa.

The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome. He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also known as Diddy.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.

How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still trying to figure out how the ballots work.

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, "Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?"

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship.

Thur., Mar 28, 2013

#2589

Late Night From 03/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC.

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I'm not mistaken.

McDonald's announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald's for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this.

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don't want amateurs to cut people's heads off because that could be barbaric.

Conan
Everyone's waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope's name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden.

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers.

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix.

Friday, Mar 29, 2013

#2590

Late Night From 03/13
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, "Boy, that name sounds familiar," you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.

He will be Pope Francis. Historically, the last Pope Francis was Frank Sinatra. Am I right about that?

Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, "Thank God I don't have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Pope pickin' is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter's Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night's "Bachelor" finale, my eyes haven't been dry all week.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.

The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called "The Room of Tears." Or as I call that, "the gym."

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It's not a disaster — it's DiGiorno.”

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage.

Saturday, Mar 30, 2013

#2591

Late Night From 03/13
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.”

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.

Conan
We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do.

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.

In Moscow, '90s action star Steven Seagal hung out with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting lasted two hours and then went straight to DVD.

McDonald's has introduced a yoke-free Egg McMuffin has only 260 calories. After hearing this, every McDonald's customer said, "Sweet, I'll have six of them."

Sunday, Mar 31, 2013

#2592

Late Night From 03/14
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble.

The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote.

It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Lamar Odom bought his wife Khloe Kardashian a new puppy. He said, "Have fun with this creature, even though it won't do anything but lay around house all day." And the puppy said, "Thanks."

Steven Seagal is in Russia meeting with President Vladimir Putin. Nowadays, Seagal looks like a giant, overweight Dracula.

Seagal would say, "I want to drink your blood. Actually not so much the blood. Do you have anything to eat?"

Vladimir Putin invited Seagal as part of Russia's new health initiative. Putin's reviving a fitness program that was started by Stalin. Is that a good idea?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: “Breaking Bad" spoiler alert!

Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he’s kind of the bouncer for Heaven.

A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies.

With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.

Monday, Apr 01, 2013

#2593

Late Night From 03/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs.

The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea.

Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, “I could have been Pope.”

Conan
It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.

Taco Bell sold over a million Doritos Locos Tacos a day. Other companies now have taken notice. The new Blackberry is coming out in a tasty Doritos shell.

Spring is almost here, which meanings two things, the rebirth of nature and the crazed expressions of Gary Busey on "Celebrity Apprentice."

A Washington state mother is accused of letting her 22-month-old toddler smoke marijuana. When reached for comment the toddler said, "Hey, man, everybody chill out!"

Tuesday, Apr 02, 2013

#2594

Late Night From 03/15

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.

You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.

New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.

Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.

Late Show with David Letterman
Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.

We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.

Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.

Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's the Ides of March. That means today you have to be extra careful to avoid a disaster. If you're watching this show, you clearly didn't heed the warnings.

Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.

Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the "Egyptian Taylor Swift."

After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There’s talk that “Today” show host Matt Lauer is the top choice to replace Alex Trebek when he leaves “Jeopardy.” Or as Alex Trebek put it, "Who is Matt Lauer?"

Last night a woman in New York gave birth to a healthy baby girl inside a Walmart. Obviously it's a little embarrassing to give birth in a Walmart, which is why she plans on telling her daughter she was born in a Target.

U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called "Microsoft Windows."

Wed., Apr 03, 2013

#2595

Late Night From 03/18

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water.

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives.

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan's back in court again.

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick's Day?

Late Show with David Letterman
I went over to St. Patrick’s cathedral earlier and they're giving away free Pope bobbleheads.

"Jeopardy" host Alec Trebek announced that he is retiring. He said he's too old and just doesn't have the energy to be the host anymore. And I said, "Great, another conclave. Here we go."

Anybody go to the St. Patrick’s parade? How many of you attended the parade and were beaten up and now have amnesia?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch.

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger said, "We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy." And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook.

It's nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

It is the day after St. Patrick's Day. So if you're just waking up now, I'm sorry, I don't know whose apartment you're in.

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's "The Bible" looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, "How can you do that to Satan?"

Thur., Apr 04, 2013

#2596

Late Night From 03/19

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser.

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: "You can do that?"

Late Show with David Letterman
How about this weather? Isn't it crazy? It's 46 and cloudy — like Lindsay Lohan.

The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.

The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Last night on "The Tonight Show," during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives "snakes." The response came quickly. "Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far," responded the snakes.

The new show "Bates Motel" premiered last night. It was very suspenseful. The whole time watching it I was thinking, "Will that guy get stabbed? Will he survive to see the next week?" I'm sorry, that's while I was watching "The Tonight Show."

I have a problem with "Bates Motel." It's set in the present day. I don't like that. I don't want to see Norman Bates texting, "OMG, mom just stabbed somebody."

Justin Bieber says he's growing a mustache. He's going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tomorrow is the first official day of spring, although you would not know it if you live in New England or wherever heavy snow is falling again. Do you remember that groundhog that said we'd have an early winter and early spring? We should eat him. Someone has to pay for this.

For many colleges, this is spring break. College kids will go to places like South Beach to make mistakes they will cherish for a lifetime.

Spring break is an important American tradition. It's how we grow a new crop of MTV teen moms.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today's the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think's going to build that path?"

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same.

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, "Nope, still us."

Friday, Apr 05, 2013

#2597

Late Night From 03/20

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let's pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline.

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved.

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do "Jurassic Park"-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for NBC. It could turn around.

Late Show with David Letterman
A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks.

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps.

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don't think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you?

I believe he's the only Pope who has ever said, "You've had enough, Miss Lohan."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Do we have spring breakers in the audience tonight? You have the week off. You know, the kids in China get only six MINUTES off for spring break.

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach?

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.

A chicken in China laid a giant egg. When they cracked the egg open, they found two yolks in it. Then they found, inside the egg, another egg. And when they cracked that egg open, it had another yolk in it. The chicken gave birth to a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That's a good idea. Since gas prices aren't high enough, let's add Starbucks to the equation.

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: "Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?"

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, "That's your Plan A?"

Saturday, Apr 06, 2013

#2598

Late Night From 03/21

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Are you all excited about March Madness? People are talking about who's in, who's out, and who's going to be eliminated. And that's just here at NBC.

The University of Colorado says the idea that sleep deprivation causes weight gain is much worse than previously thought. They say insomnia can cause almost immediate weight gain. Well, that should help you sleep, huh? Not only are you tired, you're going to be fat, too.

A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic. They are just not Americans.

Justin Bieber announced that he’s growing a mustache. I guess we’ll just have to take his word for it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It's March Madness. If you didn't fill out a bracket, it's too late — although you could still throw your $10 in the garbage disposal and run it.

Between March Madness, Facebook, and Twitter, they say the average worker will work a total of 12 minutes over the next three weeks.

A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It's actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Miami Heat has won an incredible 24 games in a row. It has been so long since the Heat lost, the last time it happened I had to page my friend on his beeper to tell him about it.

The last time the Heat lost, Conan O'Brien was the host of "The Tonight Show."

The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters — you know, to ask them not to vote.

Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don't know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury.

Sunday, Apr 07, 2013

#2599

Late Night From 03/22

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The movie “Spring Breakers” went wide today. It features robbery, arrests, drug use, alcohol, illicit sex. Or as Lindsay Lohan calls that, getting ready for trial.

Doctors in Canada were shocked after pulling a 3-inch knife blade from the back of a 32-year-old man. The knife had been in there for three years. Imagine that, the guy had a knife in his back for three years. He must have worked at NBC too.

Have you heard about this alleged feud that I'm having with NBC? I think it’s going to be OK. To make it up to me, they are sending my wife and me on an all-expenses-paid Carnival cruise.

According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There's some big March Madness news. There was a huge upset last night when number 14 seeded Harvard beat number three New Mexico. Analysts said, "Do you know the chances of that happening?" And Harvard kids said, "12.6 percent."

Usually when you hear Harvard students and upset, it's because someone ended a sentence with a preposition.

A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe YOU should take that IQ test.

There's no way I'd make my dog take an IQ test. He's already busy enough doing my taxes.

A man in Arkansas confessed that he had a friend pretend to attack him during a date so that he could impress the girl he was with. She could tell something was up when the mugger was like, "Give me all your money, Steve — I mean, guy I don't know!"

Monday, Apr 08, 2013

#2600

Late Night From 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class.

A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. She says every time she exercises, she has an allergic reaction. Actually, I have that. You know how I treat it? Pizza.

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you've been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?

Fitness pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969 he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his very first acting job. So, hopefully he will be remembered for the good things he did.

Conan
Tonight is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history's first spring break.

They left Egypt and went to Florida. And they're still there.

Passover is the time every year when I'm forced to spend eight days and eight nights writing all my own jokes.

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle — restoring Israel's relationship with pork.

Late Show with David Letterman
In honor of Passover tonight, all of these jokes are unleavened.

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government.

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today happens to be Vaffeldagen. That is Swedish for Waffle Day. Every year on March 25, the people of Sweden get out of their Volvos, turn off their ABBA CDs, and start making waffles.

As far as I'm concerned, there are two types of people in this world. People who love waffles — and al-Qaida.

Waffle Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It's right up there with Pancakesgiving, Cinco de Pie-o, and Ham-o-ween.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special.

They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.

Actress Tilda Swinton gave an unusual performance at the Museum of Modern Art this weekend. She slept in a glass box in the middle of the museum all day. If you are in New York, for $20 you can watch Tilda Swinton sleep in a box. In L.A. you can watch Gary Busey pass out in public for free.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15th seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, "Who?"

There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.

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