Jokes of the day

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Monday, Feb 18, 2013

#2551

Late Night From 02/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill.

CBS is now facing a possible fine because Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was overheard dropping the F-bomb on the air. CBS is arguing they could not have foreseen this happening — you know, someone on the Ravens breaking the law who isn't Ray Lewis.

In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space.

According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don't do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash.


Conan
What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens' celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, "Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!"

After the game, Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife's pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, "I can explain."

A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.

Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate.


Late Show with David Letterman
They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we're learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it's missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist!

You don't know you're old until you try to participate in current culture. I'll give you an example. I'm watching the Super Bowl and the lights go out. Out of force of habit in my own home I try to clap them back on.

The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney.

Let's make Super Bowl weekend a three-day holiday. Why not? I think Americans will need Monday off to return the kegs.

Tuesday, Feb 19, 2013

#2552

Late Night From 02/06
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a great day for fans of Monopoly — the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

To make room for a cat, Monopoly's dropping one of the old game pieces. So the iron is going away. Take it from me. You should never put a cat and an iron together. No matter how wrinkly the cat is.

You know what I never understood? — why they sell Ouija boards in the "board game" section. I don't think that is really a game, is it? Nothing says "family fun" like communicating with the dead.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They're retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land.

Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats.

I hope this doesn't cause a problem with the little Scottie dog. I can't have animals chasing each other on my board.

Now what do you do with the Monopoly iron? There are still ways to enjoy it. You can use it as a paperweight for Post-it notes.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah, THAT'S the leather you should be worried about.”

It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion.

After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember — these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone because today it left North Korea.

Wed., Feb 20, 2013

#2553

Late Night From 02/06
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare.

The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com.

Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?


Conan
Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave.

Beyonce's publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyoncé removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as hard working and new to the Internet.

A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie "Lincoln" are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.


Late Show with David Letterman
After the Super Bowl game, the winning team, the Baltimore Ravens, lost the trophy. But that's not the only thing. The 49ers lost the trophy in the first quarter.

You know, something similar happened to golfer Tiger Woods. He lost a trophy wife.

In New York City this week, it's Fashion Week. Remember, during Fashion Week, please, whatever you do, do not feed the supermodels.

In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama.

Thur., Feb 21, 2013

#2554

Late Night From 02/07
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new report by economists lists the world's most expensive cities. It turns out the most expensive city is Tokyo, Japan. Tokyo unveiled their new tourism slogan today. Their slogan is: "Tokyo: We'll leave you brokeo."

I'd love to go to Tokyo. It's not just expensive; it's also one of the most crowded cities in the world. A city full of people with thick wallets? It makes me pine for the days when I was a Dickensian pickpocket.

Paris finished number eight. The people in France were very annoyed today. Then they heard about the list. And then they said, "Just do not raise the price of soft cheese."

Oslo, Norway, is number five on the list. Apparently it is very expensive to buy umlauts. That's what they have in Norway. Umlauts are those dots they put above vowels.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Dr. Phil is with us tonight — and make no mistake, if any of you are pretending to be a football player's imaginary girlfriend, he will find you and you will confess.

This weekend a couple from Connecticut will have the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They got married more than 80 years ago. You see how long a marriage can last if you don't meet on "The Bachelor"?

They got married Nov. 25, 1932. They bonded over their mutual love of music, travel, and not dying of polio.

They said the secret to their long-lasting marriage is love, compromise, and the fact that neither one of them has been able to hear a word the other one has said in more than 30 years.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Northeast is bracing for a snowstorm this weekend. Some forecasts say it will be only two inches while others predict 30 inches. When asked why they couldn’t make a better prediction, meteorologists were like, "Uh, we're meteorologists."

Actually, they’re saying New York could receive up to 12 inches of snow this weekend. Or as Subway calls it: 11 inches.

Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called “Ready for Hillary.” And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called "Bracing for Biden.”

Last night runners from around the world competed in the annual race to the top of the Empire State Building. But there's already a scandal brewing. It turns out one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.

Friday, Feb 22, 2013

#2555

Late Night From 02/07
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
More bad news for A-Rod. It looks like there is more evidence linking Alex Rodriguez to a Miami doctor who prescribed performance-enhancing drugs. Here's how bad it is for A-Rod. He is now favored to win this year's Tour de France.

Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.

Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.


Conan
This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show.

When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, "It's not my thing." Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.

Home Depot plans to hire 80,000 new employees. The CEO said, "If your skills are avoiding customers and hiding in the break room, give us a call."


Late Show with David Letterman
It's Fashion Week in New York City. And by the way, if you're keeping track, this is Fashion Week XLVII.

The police in New York City used to have the "stop and frisk" law for Fashion Week. They replaced that with "stop and pose."

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.

Mayor Bloomberg is on a campaign to make New York City a better place to live. Guess what he's done now? He's outlawing Styrofoam cups. He wants New York City to have the nation's toughest cup control laws.

Saturday, Feb 23, 2013

#2556

Late Night From 02/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a leaked report from an upcoming U.N. study on climate change, solar activity may play a greater role in global warming than previously thought. The sun may be involved in global warming. It's always the last place you'd think, isn’t it?

Time magazine is reporting that since Al Gore sold his TV network to Al Jazeera, he is now worth more money than Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? They're still publishing Time magazine.

Geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big super-continent. How ironic is that? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we ARE China.

Someone recently threw a shoe at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. They say throwing a shoe is the supreme mark of disrespect in the Arab world. I would have to go with beheading. I would rather have a shoe hit my head than have my head hit my shoes.

Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Snake. Here's how dumb I am. All day long on my checks I've been writing "Year of the Dragon."

I love the Grammy Awards. It's a chance for me to feel really out of touch and really old.

Hillary Clinton is finished as secretary of state. They had a going away party for Hillary. She had a couple of drinks and admitted she doesn't know the difference between Paraguay and Uruguay.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a big weekend over in Asia. Sunday night is Chinese New Year. So let me be first to say, "Gung hay fat choy." That means "Best wishes for a prosperous new year." Either that or I just threatened to invade Taiwan.

Astrology is derived from the root word "astrologia" — a Latin word that means "crap."

I don't put much stock in astrology. It's all made up. But then, I'm a Taurus so I would think that.

Astrology is very different from "astronomy." Astronomers spend years in school and know a lot of facts and stuff about science. Astrologers just spout mystical mumbo jumbo that sounds good but isn't true. It's like the difference between Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This big winter storm could dump three feet of snow on the East Coast and knock out power to 24 million people. This storm is really a big deal. In fact, the Weather Channel is expecting totals of 12 to 20 viewers.

It was just announced that a third "Night at the Museum" movie is coming out. You can tell they're running out of ideas because it's called, “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go to the Museum During the Day?”

A man in Florida was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at a Walmart. He led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles per hour.

Sunday, Feb 24, 2013

#2557

Late Night From 02/11
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The big news today is from the Vatican. The Pope is resigning. He's hanging up his giant hat.

The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.

CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Did you watch the Grammys last night? The Grammy Awards celebrate the albums and songs we download illegally.

The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.

The Pope will step down on February 28, which means he gave Jesus two weeks' notice.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, “Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.”

Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?

Last night was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?”

Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, “No.”

Monday, Feb 25, 2013

#2558

Late Night From 02/11
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Pope is resigning! I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought.

The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, "I've got some stuff that can help you with that."

The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!

Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.


Conan
Pope Benedict announced he's retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, "If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people."

The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.


Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody here for the annual Westminster Dog Show? It's an important event and quite a competition — and they say that it is usually a pretty good indicator of the Academy Awards.

Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill.

The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.

The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work.

Tuesday, Feb 26, 2013

#2559

Late Night From 02/12
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight is Mardi Gras. I'll lose control and do things I'll regret tomorrow, trading my dignity for a few small trinkets. Then when I'm done doing this show, I'll go and celebrate Mardi Gras.

Mardi Gras is only the fourth-biggest drinking holiday of the year. The top three are St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Tuesdays at Mel Gibson's.

Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.

Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday." Unfortunately, we're all so politically correct now, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big-Boned Day After Monday."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it.

Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to pre-emptively rebut their rebuttal.

So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to "Inception," isn't it?

Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition came out today. This is the 50th anniversary of the swimsuit edition. The first one was published in 1964. And after 50 years, they still are yet to sell a single swimsuit.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013.

Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, "I cannot tell a lie."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a "You don't have a clue" problem.

Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up “being Pope.”

Wed., Feb 27, 2013

#2560

Late Night From 02/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, “Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!" If we're really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?

This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played “Hey, Big Spender.”

The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.

Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.


Conan
The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well.

President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, "our black guy."

Lean Cuisine has recalled some of their frozen dinners because they may contain shards of glass. It's too bad because people were really losing weight with those.

The Atlanta Braves baseball team has decided to stop using their screaming Indian logo because they say it's offensive. Unfortunately, the logo they've replaced it with is an Asian kid getting into Harvard.


Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody in town for the Westminster Kennel Club's dog show? All of the dogs competing in the competition stay at the same motel. Have you been there? Oh, what a flea bag!

The winner of the dog show gets a beautiful blue ribbon and a toilet full of champagne.

How many of you watched the State of the Union address just for the commercials?

I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.

Thur., Feb 28, 2013

#2561

Late Night From 02/13
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.

If you're a dog, winning at Westminster is like an actor winning an Oscar, a tennis player winning at Wimbledon, or an NBA player winning a Kardashian. It's a big deal!

Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee.

The dog is going to be in a Broadway play. I'm not sure which one. Maybe "Fiddler on the Rrrufff."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need "Biggie" fries to have regular-sized fries.

While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.

How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, "Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun."

But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The trend this year is couples saying they don’t need to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day, because they love each other EVERY day. I think that’s sweet, but to all the guys out there watching, I just want to say it’s a trap!

Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you — it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.

President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, "Beats the finger I usually get!"

A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, “I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!” And her professor said, “Don't you mean WHOMEVER?”

Friday, Mar 01, 2013

#2562

Late Night From 02/13
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job.


Conan
This Valentine's Day, White Castle restaurants are going to offer a discount to couples who dine there. Yeah, because there's no better way to tell a woman you love her than to pay even less at a White Castle.

The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah.

The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do.

Experts are predicting that the success of Amazon is going to lead to the closure of many RadioShacks. When reached for comment, the CEO of RadioShack said, "Wait, there are still RadioShacks?"


Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to "The Late Show," ladies and gentlemen. It's the best place to be if you're giving up entertainment for Lent.

Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.

Did you see the State of the Union address last night? President Obama spoke for an hour. One disappointment: not one mention about the zombie attack in Montana.

A couple of days ago, an emergency broadcast in Montana announced that zombies, the living dead, had risen from the grave and were attacking the living. The police department received four phone calls. They received more phone calls when Hostess Cupcakes went out of business.

Saturday, Mar 02, 2013

#2563

Late Night From 02/21
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked.

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it'll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong.

This postal service clothing line gets my stamp of approval.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Kim Kardashian said her boyfriend Kanye West has taught her a lot about privacy. She said that to a writer who was printing it in a magazine.

The Oscars are airing live this Sunday. The ceremony takes place right across the street from us. I know this sounds like a cliché, but it is an honor just to be located across the street from them.

There's an interesting contest going on in the best actress category. Both the youngest and oldest actresses are competing. The one is only 9, which makes your kid's performance as tree number two in the school play seem a little less impressive, right?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.

Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” contains a lot of errors. They were like, “The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance — but in real life, it’s WAY worse than that.”

After the success of his book, “Killing Lincoln,” Bill O’Reilly is coming out with a new book called “Killing Jesus.” He's going to be disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that.

Researchers have discovered that a chemical in the brain causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.”

Sunday, Mar 03, 2013

#2564

Late Night From 02/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Lent officially began yesterday. Do you know what the Lakers are giving up for Lent? The playoffs.

For those of you who are not Catholic, the idea of Lent is you're supposed to give up something so you can experience suffering. Or you could just go on a Carnival Cruise.

My heart goes out to those poor passengers stuck on that floating bedpan in the Gulf of Mexico. For four days, 4,000 people stuck on a ship with foul odors, the toilets aren't working, and there's long lines for food. And here's the worst part. The karaoke machine is still working.

Donald Trump called the Beyoncé Super Bowl halftime show "inappropriate" and "a national scandal." Apparently, it lacked the quiet dignity of Gary Busey and Meat Loaf screaming at each other on "The Apprentice."


Conan
I want to say if any of you are alone today, it could be worse. You could be on a cruise ship right now — the most miserable cruise in the history of the world.

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their man to propose on Valentine's Day. And the same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day.


Late Show with David Letterman
It's day five of that Carnival Cruise trip. You know you're on a bad cruise if you wake up on day two, you look out your little porthole, and you see the captain and the crew in a lifeboat.

There's a giant asteroid hurdling toward earth and it's 150 miles wide. The nation of Iran has solved the problem. They have launched a monkey into space where it will reflect the asteroid with a coconut.

Happy birthday to Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is 71 years old today. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They have a big cake, and to blow out the candles the mayor stands up on a big stack of his money.

Monday, Mar 04, 2013

#2565

Late Night From 02/18

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, “No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.”

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever.

The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place.


Late Show with David Letterman
Yoko Ono turns 80 years old today. People sometimes say or suggest that Yoko broke up the Beatles. Now that she's 80 the only thing she's breaking up is bingo games.

Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.

The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa.

The Yankees are in spring training and you kind of feel it — the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the smell of the deer antler spray.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off.

Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials.

You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England.

People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House’s immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it “dead on arrival.” That incidentally is also Florida's state motto.

Yesterday, NBA legend Michael Jordan turned 50 years old. Scottie Pippen actually helped him blow out his candles, but nobody seemed to notice.

A new study found that humans are slowly getting less intelligent. I was going to read the whole study, but I’ll just wait for the movie.

A judge in California announced that Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial from Kris Humphries will begin on May 6. The pre-show on E! will begin on March 1.

Tuesday, Mar 05, 2013

#2566

Late Night From 02/19
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody's going on a Carnival Cruise!

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you're the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you're at Denny's blowing on your soup.

Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son.

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He's deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don't count them charging $25 to check a bag.

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it's diabolical soccer moms.

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it's kind of cool. But it's not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn't "Ocean's 11." These guys just came up and took someone's hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it's more like "Ocean's 12."


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet.

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they're trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You'll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won't Let You.”

Reader's Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn't been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?”

Wed., Mar 06, 2013

#2567

Late Night From 02/19
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved.

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.

Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics.

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages.


Conan
The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I'd stay away from the "Rigatoni, My Little Pony."

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook.

Yesterday Burger King's official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves.

Thur., Mar 07, 2013

#2568

Late Night From 02/20
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We've become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose.

Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He's stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat.

I'm not sure who'll replace Boyko Borisov. My money's on Ashton Kutcher.

Robert Plant told Australia's version of "60 Minutes" that he'd be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, "What? Australia has a "60 Minutes?"


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son's 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, "That's a really bad parenting choice."

Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America's second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway.

The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they're making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes.

In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave."


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year's Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they're spelling Oscar with a "z" — and backwards in crayon.

There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all.

Friday, Mar 08, 2013

#2569

Late Night From 02/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become "The Jerry Springer Show"?

Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.

The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.

Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time.


Conan
I've got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.

It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."

It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans.


Late Show with David Letterman
It's still winter here in New York City. It's 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan.

They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks.

They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa.

A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don't see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway.

Saturday, Mar 09, 2013

#2570

Late Night From 02/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The biggest gifts on Valentine's Day are flowers and chocolate. Because what says true love better than murdering a plant and then making someone fat?

For me, the best Valentine's Day gifts don't cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That's why I composed a special Valentine's Day poem for you, my audience. "Roses are red, love's but a fable. I'm really sorry you can't afford cable."

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I hear from a lot of women who swear they don't care about Valentine's Day. In my experience, you can tell how much someone cares about Valentine's Day by how much they tell you they don't care about Valentine's Day.

A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

The song "Gangnam Style" has been named best song for kids to listen to while brushing their teeth. However, it is the worst song to listen to during everything else.

Personally, I think most parents would rather have all their kids' teeth fall out than hear that song one more time.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was Valentine's Day. And if you just found that out, that's why you're in trouble.

Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriend Connor Kennedy was arrested yesterday for handcuffing himself to the White House gate to bring attention to climate change. He's bummed about the arrest, but he's glad to attach himself to something that won't write a song about him.

Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to.

A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.

Sunday, Mar 10, 2013

#2571

Late Night From 02/21
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It's called red wine.

According to the new study, women talk almost three times as much as men. Well, you know why? Because they know men aren't listening the first two times.

Officials in Oklahoma now say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.

The price of gasoline went up again in Los Angeles for the 34th straight day in a row. Gas is so expensive that NBC can’t even afford to drive this network into the ground anymore.

Conan
The Oscars are this Sunday. Everyone will be tuning in to the telecast, and "Lincoln" is one of the big favorites. Of course, like Lincoln, most people won't stick around for the whole show.

This year producers have dropped the name Academy Awards. They're just calling it "the Oscars," since that's how people refer to it. And for the same reason, the Tonys are being renamed "the Gay Olympics."

At this year's show, instead of attractive models handing out the Oscars, six college film students have been chosen to hand them out. So now every winning actor will receive a trophy and a crappy screenplay.

Fox news host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare.

Late Show with David Letterman
Folks are excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday. Ann Hathaway will probably win. She's won so many awards she's being tested for banned substances.

Lindsay Lohan is having an Academy Awards party. Here's how it will go. Any time someone opens an envelope, or any time during the telecast they run a commercial, or any time the audience applauds or sits quietly, Lindsay will do a shot.

Have you seen a movie out there called "Zero Dark Thirty?" It's about the hunt for Osama bin Laden and his wife Mary Todd bin Laden.

Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln" received 12 nominations. I really think "Lincoln" has a shot.

Monday, Mar 11, 2013

#2572

Late Night From 02/22

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don't join al-Qaida.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

Late Show with David Letterman
Excited about the Academy Awards? It will be a lot of people you've never met thanking people you've never heard of.

The Academy Awards is television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off.

The Academy Awards show is four hours long, and they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve.

Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He's going up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Oscars are on Sunday. So is the Daytona 500. It will be a great day for gay NASCAR fans.

The Oscars are a perfect representation of Hollywood Because Hollywood releases hundreds of movies a year, and three are good. The Oscars is 800 minutes long, and three are entertaining.

If you haven't seen "Life of Pi," you really must. And then tell me what it's about.

This is my theory about the Oscar. If you're in an action movie or comedy, you're not worthy. But if you put on Elizabethan trousers and act serious, that's it. You're a great actor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, "Do you think that I could pull off bangs?"

That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch.

Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative “Let’s Move.” Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative "Let's Sit."

A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birthdates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

Tuesday, Mar 12, 2013

#2573

Late Night From 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Life of Pi" took home four Oscars. It's about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise.

Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress and worst stuntwoman.

There was one glaring omission in the “In memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan's career. Didn’t that die last year?

Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house?

Conan
Welcome to the show. I'm Conan O'Brien — or perhaps I'm Daniel Day-Lewis in his greatest role yet.

Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.

Big winner last night was "Life of Pi," a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of "The Hangover 3."

South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, "We're just going to stick with men named Kim."

Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show last night was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them.

I think one of the reasons that "Lincoln" did not win as best picture is that it's full of inaccuracies. For example, Abraham Lincoln was never married to Mary Tyler Lincoln.

The best picture was called "Argo." It was about a heroic Hollywood producer. Wow, how did something like that ever win?

First lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night the biggest stars in the world squeezed into the theater across the street. But it's nice to see our neighborhood getting back to abnormal.

I don't know why the Oscars needs a best actor and actress category. You don't separate best director and best directress.

Daniel Day-Lewis now has one Oscar for each of his names.

Monday night I usually update you on the number of times "amazing" is said on "The Bachelor." Tonight was 22. We also collected every "amazing" that was uttered on or near the Oscars' red carpet. That's 101. There were as many "amazings" as there were Dalmatians. Can someone in the world please send us more adjectives. We need them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night's Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence's dress was like, “That's way too long.”

The entire cast of “Les Miserables” performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of “Zero Dark Thirty” put it, “Now this is torture.”

The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks.

Wed., Mar 13, 2013

#2574

Late Night From 02/26
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today they announced the new cast of "Dancing With the Stars." Guess who they got this year? Ingo Rademacher. I can't believe they got him or her.

The show also got Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. I know Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. One is the prancing ice princess who stole my heart in Montreal and the other one is Dorothy Hamill.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The cast of "Duck Dynasty" is here with us today. Some of our camera guys are so excited, they wore camouflage to work today.

Our originally scheduled music guest, Morrissey, cancelled. He is a staunch animal rights activist. He said he "couldn't morally be on a show where cast members of 'Duck Dynasty' will also be guests." While I respect his stance, there's a very good reason I didn't dump the "Duck Dynasty" guys for Morrissey. It's because they have guns and Morrissey doesn't.

This morning on "Good Morning America," ABC unveiled the new cast of "Dancing With the Stars." It was a who's who of who needs money.

TLC announced that "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will soon be on the air in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands. Personally, I'm not in favor of exporting our reality shows to other countries. Deporting our reality shows, yes. But exporting, no.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Manti Te’o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL's scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster.

Kim Kardashian said that she and Kanye West want to get married, but they’re not going to rush it. And also because they have to wait until Kim is actually divorced.

Beyoncé has actually designed her own pair of sneakers. The sneakers are made of stingray, ostrich, cat hair, crocodile, and anaconda skins. So if you want a pair of those sneakers, you'd better order it now while species last.

The online college, the University of Phoenix, could lose its license because of questionable billing policies. Which makes sense when you find out they got their accounting degree from the University of Phoenix.

Thur., Mar 14, 2013

#2575

Late Night From 02/26
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You'll never get the kids out of the house now. "Dad, I'm only 50. That's, like, 17."

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they'd gone all the way to Canada.

In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.

Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?

Conan
People still are talking about the Oscars — at least my comedy writers are.

Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.

It's being reported that next season, "Downton Abbey" will feature its first black character. The producers hope this will lead to "Downton Abbey's" first black viewer.

Longevity scientists said that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very, very old.

Late Show with David Letterman
The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the "Sports Illustrated" pants suit issue.

The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.

The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy.

Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that.

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