Jokes of the day

2526 - 2550


Friday, Jan 25, 2013


Late Night From 01/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama said this week that he wants to find a "pathway for citizenship" for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that? It's called the Rio Grande river.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, she has something called "self-respect."

It seems a doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor said he felt terrible. He tried to call the family but couldn't find his cell phone.

A health advocacy group has criticized The Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that contain over 3,000 calories. Today the CEO of The Cheesecake Factory said, "What part of factory of cheese and cake don't you understand?"

That's like going to Fat Burger and complaining.

The director of "Zero Dark Thirty" has come out against torture. And the director of "Lincoln" has come out against going to the theater in 1865.

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.

Late Show with David Letterman
Over the weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded, and ready to go — it's like me before the show.

They said the cannon was deadly, dangerous, and could blow up just like that. But don't worry. New York City police did what they could. They put out one of those orange cones.

Do you all have the flu? I'm telling you, it's bad. Earlier today, I heard Lance Armstrong admit to using Tamiflu.

Do you know what happens Monday? President Barack Obama becomes President Barack Obama for the second time. It's the inauguration.

Saturday, Jan 26, 2013


Late Night From 01/17
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover — an American flag!

The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87 different films. I'd like be on that jury. I'd bang my gavel and say, "I find your film guilty of being self-indulgent and boring the crap out of me. I hereby sentence you to watch "Weekend at Bernie's," and anything by Pauly Shore."

I don't know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a day sounds exhausting. But maybe that's just a sign of how out of shape I am.

There are some great documentaries this year. One's called "Linsanity: the Movie." It's about basketball player Jeremy Lin. He's America's most interesting athlete who's never had a fake girlfriend.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Have you been following the Manti Te’o story? Apparently Te'o, a well-known college football player, was in a relationship with a woman he met online. But it turned out that the woman was Bruce Willis and he was dead the whole time.

Manti Te’o is a linebacker at Notre Dame. In September, his girlfriend passed away. The media ran with the story of the football hero overcoming personal tragedy. But it turned out she never existed. Some people play fantasy football. Manti Te’o plays fantasy people.

The first part of Oprah Winfrey's big interview with Lance Armstrong aired tonight. At one point, Lance broke down and cried. And here's a funny thing. Wherever a tear landed, a new muscle grew.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Or as Manti Te’o put it, “I’m gonna have to talk to Oprah, aren’t I?”

Manti Te'o's online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, “Man, even IMAGINARY girls only like jocks.”

In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, “Yeah, that's how families work.”

Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs. But on the bright side, it’ll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot.

Sunday, Jan 27, 2013


Late Night From 01/17
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Notre Dame’s superstar linebacker Manti Te’o apparently had an online girlfriend who didn’t really exist. They're calling it the biggest hoax involving Notre Dame since they were ranked number one in the nation.

Happy birthday to first lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money.

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The Cheesecake Factory? It's always the last place you'd expect.

The most unhealthy dish at The Cheesecake Factory was something called the bistro shrimp pasta, with 3,120 calories. And that's before the cheesecake.

Notre Dame player Manti Te’o is being accused of fraud and deception over his imaginary girlfriend. Some say this hoax could harm Manti's ranking in the NFL draft. On the other hand, it could open up an entire new branch of fantasy football.

Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow.

Facebook's new search engine is getting a lot of attention. CEO Mark Zuckerberg pointed out that Facebook can now help people find new friends. He doesn't know that Facebook is for stalking old ones.

A group of nutritionists criticized The Cheesecake Factory for a pasta dish that has 3,000 calories. A representative from Olive Garden said, "What is pasta? Tell us more of this interesting dish."

Late Show with David Letterman
Notre Dame has a kid named Manti Te’o, a linebacker. It turns out his girlfriend was imaginary. But in his defense, Brent Musberger said she was really hot.

I feel bad for the Notre Dame kid because when I was in college things like that would happen to me. I would meet a lot of real women and they would give me imaginary phone numbers.

One time it was really sad because a beautiful woman actually faked her death to get out of going to the prom with me.

The only other athlete I can think of with an imaginary girlfriend was Chris Humphries.

Monday, Jan 28, 2013


Late Night From 01/18
Part 1

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Did you see Oprah’s Lance Armstrong interview? Well, a lot of people are saying that Lance said all the right things in the interview, but he seemed to lack emotion. It's almost like he needed a little something for more energy.

After their interview, Oprah said that Lance Armstrong was honest and contrite about his doping. “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Manti Te’o.

Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without 'em.”

Hey, this week was the season premiere of “American Idol.” And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don’t really want — or as Republicans call that, "the Romney plan."

Tuesday, Jan 29, 2013


Late Night From 01/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I just hope that this one painful online experience doesn't cause Manti Te’o to give up on all imaginary girlfriends.

Now people are saying that Manti knew it was a hoax way back in early December. He’s gone from being the “Fightin’ Irish” to the “Lyin’ Hawaiian.”

According to a new study, seniors are the most frequent binge drinkers — followed closely by juniors, sophomores, and freshmen.

Kim Kardashian said today that in a perfect world she would love being divorced from Kris Humphries before having Kayne’s baby. On the other hand, in a perfect world no one would know who she is.

Wed., Jan 30, 2013


Late Night From 01/22
Part 1

At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.

Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.

For 49 cents McDonald's is giving customers the option to add bacon to any order. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden announced that for 50 cents they will add Italian food to any order.

Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." Lohan said, "If I want to see the stars, I'll crash into a telephone pole."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut.

Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.

The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.

Thur., Jan 31, 2013


Late Night From 01/22
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.

The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office.

Friday, Feb 01, 2013


Late Night From 01/23
Part 1

Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama's inauguration. That's right. Steven said, "I know how she feels. I did the same thing at Harry Truman's inauguration."

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed on to a brand-new "Terminator" film. Now, due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, "I'll be back, right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'"

In Japan a senior official is in trouble for saying in order to save money, elderly people should, quote, "Hurry up and die." Of course, if he loses his jobs, he has a bright future writing Mother's Day cards.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Make sure to watch this show tomorrow night, because for the first time in 10 years, Matt Damon will be my guest. You may know Matt as the least-talented member of the cast of "Ocean's 11."

We had a hard time squeezing him into the show since 1993, but tomorrow night it happens. The Garfunkel to Ben Affleck's Simon, Matt Damon will be here.

Justin Bieber just surpassed Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter. Justin now has 33,410,000 — 28,000 more than Lady Gaga. If you want to confuse your grandfather, wake him up right now and scream, "Bieber beat Gaga on Twitter!" He'll think you're possessed.

Justin Bieber reminds me a lot of myself at that age except instead of 33 million followers, it was two followers. Instead of Twitter followers, it was employees of a comic book store following me to make sure I didn't steal anything.

Saturday, Feb 02, 2013


Late Night From 01/23
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

In his inaugural address, President Obama praised the patriots of 1776, and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday.

There's been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, "What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl."

According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame's Manti Te'o said, "Now you tell me!"

Sunday, Feb 03, 2013


Late Night From 01/24

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma.

Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?

Manti Te'o sat down for an interview with Katie Couric today. Katie asked him at what point did he know something was amiss? My guess is when he found that she wasn't a miss.

The Lakers are so bad that the only ring Kobe Bryant is going to see this year is if he goes to see "The Hobbit."

Apple has reported a drop in profits this quarter, a big drop. Experts warned that Apple could run out of money — 600 years from now.

The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean.

The New Orleans Hornets have announced plans to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans. Meanwhile, the Lakers want to change their name to the Clippers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am your host, Matt Damon. Hey, just for starters, let me ask you guys this. As an audience, is it weird to see a person with actual talent host this show?

I'm very excited to be here. Jimmy has bumped me from his show 1,205 times. For 10 years, every night I wait in that green room. And every night, Kimmel says, "Apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time." So I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time.

Jimmy Kimmel is to late-night talk show hosts what Magic Johnson is to late-night talk show hosts.

Hey Jimmy, did you hear the joke about Lindsay Lohan? Because I have — 1,205 times.

You might be wondering what makes me qualified to fill in tonight. I think I can do this. How hard can it be to read from cue cards anyway?

Monday, Feb 04, 2013


Late Night From 01/25

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Most of the East Coast is experiencing freezing temperatures. It is so cold, Lance Armstrong put his blood in the microwave instead of the refrigerator.

It is so cold, the Lakers could see their own last breath.

According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.

A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown in the TV specials. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He's working for peanuts.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tomorrow is our 10-year anniversary. To commemorate that, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce gave me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They say you haven't made it in Hollywood until your name is permanently displayed where homeless people go to the bathroom.

Tonight Nicki Minaj is here, or else I saw a rainbow in the green room. I am not totally sure.

Interesting fact about Nicki Minaj. She washes her hair in Skittles.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor.

Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing.

Tuesday, Feb 05, 2013


Late Night From 01/28
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email.

This cent-by-cent thing by the post office is annoying. It's how CBS gives me raises.

Some people think email has ruined the art of letter writing. I disagree. Email has us writing more than ever. But email has ruined the art of licking.

Most stamps these days are self-adhesive. You don't even need to lick them anymore. So now I've got all this extra saliva.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Our 10-year anniversary was Saturday night so this is the first show of our second decade on television. We have had a goal for 10 years, and that is to put on a great show. One day we're going to put on a great show. Until then, we will wait.

The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet.

It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent.

In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on “60 Minutes” for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.

Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.

Today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel “Pride and Prejudice.” Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about halfway through and then giving up.

Wed., Feb 06, 2013


Late Night From 01/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to "stop being the stupid party." Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, smokers lose at least one decade off their life compared to nonsmokers. However, the cost of living has gone up, so it's cheaper to buy cigarettes now and die sooner.

According to a new report, it now costs $351,000 to raise a child for 18 years. And you can double that again waiting the next 18 years for that lazy kid to move out of the basement.

Subway has officially apologized to any customer who was served a foot-long sub that didn't measure a foot long. Is that how fat we've gotten in this country now — where we're threatening legal action if our subs are an inch too short?

A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as "lucky."

Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.

A fan is suing the San Antonio Spurs because at the game he attended the star players were benched. Meanwhile in L.A., a fan is suing the Lakers because at the game he attended, the star players played.

Late Show with David Letterman
If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.

Are you excited about the Super Bowl? The pregame coverage, of course, began on Labor Day.

The earth's temperature has gone up 2 degrees, which is 2 more degrees than Dr. Phil has.

Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

Thur., Feb 07, 2013


Late Night From 01/29
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are here, and so is Kim's unborn baby. So technically tonight, we have two and a half Kardashians — which is a show that CBS should make immediately.

According to multiple reports, singers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a tussle over a parking spot on Sunday night. Chris posted a painting on Instagram last night comparing himself to Jesus on the cross. Fighting guys in parking lots: That's so Jesus.

Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have.

At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had.

The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we're already citizens, right?”

Today was media day for Super Bowl 47, and both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. It was pretty crazy. One team thinks THEY'RE going to win — but the other team thinks THEY'RE going to win.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money.

Friday, Feb 08, 2013


Late Night From 01/29
Part 2

Late Show with David Letterman
The Super Bowl is on Sunday and both teams are coached by Harbaughs. I'm sick and tired of hearing about Harbaughs. They're now getting their own shows, "The Harbaughs" and "Keeping Up With the Harbaughs."

New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam — not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes — not a problem. Meth labs on every corner — not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel — not a problem.

Manti Te'o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he's never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric's show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he's everywhere. Tomorrow he'll be on Rachel Ray's show. He'll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a great day for two American icons who share a birthday today. The ruler of Hawaii, Tom Selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world, Oprah Winfrey.

What do you buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? She has everything — except a successful TV network.

Oprah was in the news recently for her Lance Armstrong interview. It was TV at its most powerful. Armstrong tearfully admitted to using steroids, and Oprah reciprocated by tearfully admitting she once had to pump her own gas.

I greatly respect Oprah because she is from a tough background. Her story's fantastic. She was born dirt poor in the Deep South, then went on to help millions. She was her generation's Honey Boo Boo.

Saturday, Feb 09, 2013


Late Night From 01/29
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called "Don't ask, just sell."

The whole world is changing. In fact, today, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is President Obama's economic policy.

This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she's got 20 grand on the Ravens.

It's being reported that Korean pop star Psy will appear in a Super Bowl commercial and then finally he will go away forever.

This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he's hilarious.

Ben and Jerry's has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. But I'm not sure people want a scoop of Law and Order: Special Victims' Yogurt.

Sunday, Feb 10, 2013


Late Night From 01/30
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called "The Americans." It's about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They're Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. These days that only happens to college football players.

Keri Russell stars in "The Americans." She plays what intelligence services call a "sleeper agent." That's the kind of spy I'd want to be, a sleeper agent. My skill — taking naps in five languages.

I don't think I'd make a good spy. All that lying, duplicity, pretending to be someone you're not. No, I prefer good old-fashioned honest Hollywood.

The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We are four days away from the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are a lot of fun. It's also a really great way to give your friends all the flu at once.

On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you're praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers.

Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te'o out of nothing.

If God really is influencing NFL games, that would mean he isn't in church on Sunday, so why should I go?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game — staring into a set of headlights.

A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo's deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.”

Monday, Feb 11, 2013


Late Night From 01/31
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On Sunday the 49ers take on the Ravens in Super Bowl. Here's what I don't get. They spend a lot of money on the commercials. Shouldn't they run the beer and chip commercials BEFORE the Super Bowl?

I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare.

There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off.

The petition has almost 12,000 signatures. Do we need a day off after the Super Bowl? Isn't that kind of disrespectful to our real holidays?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don't know why people are surprised — the Dolphins never gave him good protection.

To compete with the Super Bowl on Sunday, TNT is airing a marathon of “Law & Order.” Now viewers have two places to see Ray Lewis.

Lance Armstrong has turned down a spot on the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Even weirder, Manti Te'o's girlfriend said yes.

A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, "a tunnel."

Tuesday, Feb 12, 2013


Late Night From 01/31
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino has admitted he fathered a child while having an extramarital affair with a CBS production assistant. And today Manti Te'o said, "See, that's why you have imaginary girlfriends."

Today Dr. Phil spoke to the guy who was behind the Manti Te'o hoax in a special two-part episode of "Dr. Phil." That's when you know somebody's really screwed up — when Dr. Phil needs two shows to fix him.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance deer antler velvet extract. He says these accusations are nothing more than a trick of the devil. Today Patriots coach Bill Belichick said, "Why am I getting dragged into this? I had nothing to do with it."

In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches.

Late Show with David Letterman
Are you thrilled about Super Bowl XLVII? Are you ready to go? The 50-yard line is where you'd want to sit, right? From there you are so close you can smell the deer antler spray.

Before you kids start using the deer antler spray, there are a couple of side effects. Number one, skittishness. And number two, freezing in headlights.

You know who's having a Super Bowl party? Manti Te'o. He's already hired an imaginary caterer.

Lindsay Lohan is back in court. For Lindsay, this will be appearance number XLVII.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the anniversary of the very first daytime soap opera. It was called "These Are My Children," and it premiered in 1949 on NBC. There aren't many soap operas left. They're going away, like newspapers and compact discs and Lance Armstrong fans.

With Facebook, now you can watch any person's life like it's a soap opera, assuming it's a real person. Am I right, college football players with fake girlfriends?

Growing up in Scotland, I watched the soap opera "Coronation Street." It was on TV over there for 50 years — like Larry King in this country.

Wed., Feb 13, 2013


Late Night From 02/01
Part 1

As you know, a lot of people just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. They watch the commercials because they find them more entertaining than the game itself. That's why a lot of people watch this show.

Tonight is our 31st anniversary of doing late night TV. People say to me, "Dave, how do you do it night after night after night?" Honestly, it's got to take a toll. I say simple, it's the deer antler spray.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Super Bowl is on Sunday, and both teams are already in New Orleans getting ready for the big game. And during their practice yesterday, the 49ers actually piped in fake crowd noise to simulate the loud conditions for Sunday’s game. Yeah, fake crowd noise — or as Manti Te’o put it, “They sounded real to me!”

This is interesting. A new survey found that 27 percent of Americans think God plays a role in who wins the Super Bowl. Then Tim Tebow was like, “No. No, he doesn't.”

Here’s some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game — or as those researchers put it, “Man, high school never ends, does it?”

The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.

Thur., Feb 14, 2013


Late Night From 02/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing.

It’s going to be quite the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Beyoncé is going to perform her smash hit "Single Ladies." then Dan Marino will come out and sing "Love Child."

That’s the big story that broke this week — former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino fathered a secret love child back in 2005. Obviously, his wife is not too happy. In fact, he could become the first NFL player to sustain more concussions AFTER he retired.

I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about.

Late Show with David Letterman
I'm very excited about the Super Bowl, and how can you not be? It's the Ravens-Niners. I mean, it makes you want to run out and buy a team scarf.

There's a lot of traditions around the Super Bowl. And you're aware of most of them. For example, for the 43rd consecutive year, the New York Jets will be watching the game from home.

Friday, Feb 15, 2013


Late Night From 02/04
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Excuse me if I seem tired. I just got back from New Orleans. I have a pretty bad gumbo hangover.

What a Super Bowl that was. During the first quarter, Will Ferrell was sitting a few rows in front of me. Channing Tatum was over here and Jay-Z was over there. There were so many important people that I kept waiting for someone to tell me to leave.

There was a power outage that is still not officially explained. When the lights first went out, it was kind of scary. They thought they'd pop back on, and we'd see one of announcers slumped over with a knife in the back.

I was with a bunch of CBS people when the lights went out. They were freaking out because when it gets dark around CBS, Dan Marino gets a little frisky.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year’s game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill.

The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened.

The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party.

On Saturday Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow. And you know what that means — nothing, because that's not how weather works.

Saturday, Feb 16, 2013


Late Night From 02/04
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
So deer antler spray works. How about that! Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens, the new Super Bowl champs. But how about that blackout? That’s what happens when Beyoncé actually sings live.

When the lights first went out, out of force of habit Ray Lewis started running from security.

Congratulations to coach Harbaugh — and to coach Harbaugh, better luck next time.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, "Flight's on us! No problem. We've got everything covered."

I lost $200 on last night's Super Bowl. I bet on electricity. I thought that was a sure-fire bet. It never goes out during the Super Bowl.

During the Super Bowl there was a 35-minute blackout. Afterwards Lindsay Lohan said, "So that wasn't just me."

After the game, Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. Apparently he went against NFL rules and impregnated the woman that he is married to.

U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé.

Late Show with David Letterman
Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens. And congratulations to Ravens coach John Harbaugh. He was named the game's most valuable Harbaugh.

Everybody is talking about the Super Bowl's big power failure. I'm talking about the 49ers defense.

The power outage during the Super Bowl lasted XXXIV minutes.

A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday.

Sunday, Feb 17, 2013


Late Night From 02/05
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you're in Canada, and say to someone "a penny for your thoughts," that is now illegal. They will put you in jail.

Prison in Canada is probably fun. The prisoners are so polite, they ask you nicely before they stab you, "Where would you like to be stabbed?"

Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson.

Remember the expression, "Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck?" Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents.

They say they're planning to get married. Once you get a name tattooed on your face, you might as well give it a shot.

On the bright side, if the marriage doesn't work out . . . Well, actually there is no bright side, so good luck.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios.

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late.

The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does — got their older brother to buy it for them.

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