Jokes of the day

2501 - 2525

Monday, Dec 31, 2012

#2501

Late Night From 12/20
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I'm sure the new movies are good, but I'm upset there are no real Christmas movies. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," where Jimmy Stewart finds himself in a world where no one can see him. It's like nobody's aware of his existence. I know that feeling.

"It's a Wonderful Life" is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like "Two and a Half Men" without a cast member going crazy.

Instead of remaking an old Christmas movie, maybe Hollywood could make a sequel to a Christmas movie that people liked. Like that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Cause." There are people who'd love another one of those movies. By people, I mean Tim Allen.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
After three years and six seasons, the final episode of “Jersey Shore” aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, “So we were off by one day.”

There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, "Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?" And the kid was like, "shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?"

The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man.

Tuesday, Jan 01, 2013

#2502

Late Night From 12/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush.

As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it.

A Michigan lawyer has been arrested for manufacturing crystal meth in his office. I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.

Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. it just didn't work out. Kind of like Tebow and the quarterbacking thing, just didn't work out.


Late Show with David Letterman
According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place.

Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There's always a silver line. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon.

I went to see "Lincoln," and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.

Wed., Jan 02, 2013

#2503

Late Night From 12/21
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Mayan calendar didn't go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let's listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!

I've got to admit, I love the show "Doomsday Preppers." It's about people making bunkers to survive catastrophes they know will happen. A nuclear war, viral epidemic, Fox canceling "Glee." It's all going to happen.

Personally, I think people who are panicking about what the Mayans believed says more about our society than it does the Mayans. I don't know really where I'm going with that, but it sounded good, didn't it? It sounded like I was really smart. I've got something to say.

You know what I really am feeling awkward about? If this is really the end of the world, I'm going to my doom wearing this tie. I'm going off to the hereafter with a tie with a little snowman on it.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It’s late Friday night, which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.

Today, President Obama announced that he's giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, "But not Santa, right?"

Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show “Cheers.” Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, “Reality TV.”

Thur., Jan 03, 2013

#2504

Late Night From 12/21
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Well folks, it is December 21, or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day.

We have Terry Bradshaw on the show tonight. The only reason we booked him is because we thought the world was going to end. He thinks we are doing a show so now we have to do it.

Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. The rumor is, she caught him not having sex with another woman.

Sources say Tim was unhappy because he felt she was using him — and coach Rex Ryan wasn’t.


>ate Show with David Letterman
It's the shortest day of the year. Now the longest day of the year is any day you have lunch with Regis Philbin.

Well, we got a lot to worry about. In nine days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?

But you shouldn't be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate.

Here's what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break.

Friday, Jan 04, 2013

#2505

Late Night From 01/02
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
You're looking at a very happy man. I made $500. You know how I did that? Betting against the Mayans.

Welcome to The Late Show, ladies and gentlemen, referred to as TV's entertainment cliff.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. I just hope the media doesn't make a big deal about it. I hope it doesn't get blown way out of proportion.

That means Kim will be seeking publicity for two now.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After hours and hours of tough negotiation, the most powerful people in America have finally come to an agreement — that’s right, if it’s a girl, they’ll name it Kim, and if it’s a boy, they’ll name it Kanye.

While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, “Talk about a lame New Year’s.”

I heard that Dunkin' Donuts is testing a new line of gluten-free pastries. So if you're looking to eat healthy, still no.

On Monday night, thieves broke into the Apple store in Paris and stole one million dollars worth of iPhones and iPads. That’s right — they took four iPhones and two iPads.

Saturday, Jan 05, 2013

#2506

Late Night From 01/02
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Some people are concerned 2013 will be an unlucky year because of the number 13. As compared to those lucky years like 2012 and 2011.

Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.

This has been a tough week for NFL coaches. Seven NFL head coaches got fired on Monday. That's a lot of job openings. That's the most job openings we've had in this country in the last four years.

According to Forbes magazine, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable team in the NFL. They are worth $2 billion. So I guess that old adage, "winning isn't everything," is true.

Sunday, Jan 06, 2013

#2507

Late Night From 01/03
Part 1

Late Show with David Letterman
Has anyone seen Al Gore's Current TV? I don't mean by mistake. I mean, who's actually watched it?

Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called "global fleecing."

Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.

Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They've got a new show called "Storage Jihad." They have "Project Burka." And a show called "Real Virgins of Fallujah."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, “Well, that's enough work for the year.”

Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.

Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time, they are voting online. The good news is that "Les Miz" has gotten a lot of votes for Best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave.

Monday, Jan 07, 2013

#2508

Late Night From 01/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing — a Republican winning anything these days.

Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, "Hey, we don't do anything for anybody."

President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you're not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they're on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat's dream come true.

The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama's dog, Bo.

Tuesday, Jan 08, 2013

#2509

Late Night From 01/04

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away — while there are still some rich Americans left.

Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It's their money.

Al Gore's Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500 million.

The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow is the start of the NFL playoffs. The Bengals are playing the Texans at Houston; the Vikings are playing the Packers at Green Bay; and the Jets are playing the Giants at Scrabble.

That’s right, the NFL playoffs start this weekend. Yep, I can’t wait to just plant myself on the couch and watch all the games — or as that’s also known, “Tebowing.”

Congrats to “Star Wars” creator George Lucas, who just got engaged to his girlfriend of seven years. Yeah, seven years. Of course, since it’s George Lucas, people say the first three were great but the ones after that were kinda disappointing.

Actually, George Lucas’s fiancé is 25 years younger than him. Or as his lawyer put it, “May the pre-nup be with you.”

Wed., Jan 09, 2013

#2510

Late Night From 01/07
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Two beloved institutions have returned. Yesterday the NHL agreed to end their strike. On the same day, "Downton Abbey" began season three on PBS. I would love to see more hockey on "Downton Abbey."

Hockey and "Downton Abbey" are very different, of course. One's a vicious game played by scary people with bad teeth. The other one's hockey.

Over here, "Downton Abbey" is on PBS. That's why I'm glad I watched it in Britain. I don't feel guilty about not giving PBS any money.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place.

Lance Armstrong’s lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. He said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it.

A new study found that our personalities change about once every 10 years. And if you disagree with the study — well, just give it 10 years.

On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Duct tape to hold someone in their seat — or as Southwest Airlines calls that, "a seatbelt."

Thur., Jan 10, 2013

#2511

Late Night From 01/07
Part 2

Conan
Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the president is telling Joe Biden.

Tonight Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS championship game. That's big. I was home for the holidays so I've had quite enough of the Fighting Irish.

After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey.

Last week photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed.


Late Show with David Letterman
The hockey lockout is over. We had no hockey in October. I knew the NHL lockout would be settled once it was purchased by al-Jazeera.

A team of scientists in Scotland has developed a computer that writes jokes. The good thing about a computer that writes jokes is that the jokes may not be that funny, but at least it doesn't take off the Jewish holidays.

Lindsay Lohan was in court again today. She's been sworn in so many times she has Bible elbow.

Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?

Friday, Jan 11, 2013

#2512

Late Night From 01/07
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"?

Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts.

Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men's prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences.

Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it.

Saturday, Jan 12, 2013

#2513

Late Night From 01/08
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The great David Bowie turned 66 today. To celebrate, he released a new music video. I wish I could be like David Bowie and just disappear, stay under the radar and out of the spotlight for 10 years. Well, I've been doing this show for eight years, so just another two to go.

David Bowie is fantastic. I like to think I have some things in common with him. He's from Britain. I'm from Britain. He used to have a problem with cocaine. I used to have a problem with cocaine. He's considered a genius. I used to have a problem with cocaine.

I started listening to Bowie back in the 1970s. A big part of his mystique back then was his sexuality. He was ambiguous. Bowie made androgyny cool. In the decade before Bowie, music was dominated by macho, manly men. Like Elvis, Frank Sinatra, and Liberace.

Bowie's been married to Iman, the model, now for 20 years. Marrying a model is a great idea because you save a fortune on food.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A new time slot. We used to be on at midnight. Now we're on at 11:35. Now I'm 25 minutes closer to my lifelong dream of co-hosting "The View."

"Nightline" is on after us now, but just because this isn't "Nightline," that doesn't mean we're not going to talk about important stuff. For instance, did you know Honey Boo Boo's mother is afraid of mayonnaise?

My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already halfway there.

Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been so much easier.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night Alabama crushed Notre Dame 42-14 in the BCS National Championship. I haven’t seen such an ugly night for the Fighting Irish since Thanksgiving with my family.

Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, “That date is just a recommendation. They're still good.”

To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship.

Sunday, Jan 13, 2013

#2514

Late Night From 01/08
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to several reports, a lot of people think 2013 is going to be bad luck because it has the number 13 in it. You know what you call these people? Notre Dame fans.

Do you know what BCS stands for? “Beating Catholics Soundly.”

Let me tell you how bad it was. Today the Pope suggested that Notre Dame might want to be a Lutheran college.

The game was basically over at halftime. It was like a Lakers game.


Conan
Last night Alabama won football's national championship by defeating Notre Dame 42-4. Irish people haven't been this depressed since — all the time. Every day. Constantly.

Good news for hockey. After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. The last time Americans went 113 days without watching hockey, it was during last year's hockey season.

A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.

According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.


Late Show with David Letterman
We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.

You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.

Remember when Kim Kardashian was married to basketball player Chris Humphreys? Turns out they're not legally divorced. This could get in the way and possibly hold up Kim's divorce from Kanye West when they eventually get married.

What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.

Monday, Jan 14, 2013

#2515

Late Night From 01/09
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Earlier tonight on Fox they aired a show called "Stars in Danger: The High Dive." I can hear you mumbling at your TV, "Reality TV stars in a diving competition? Who'd even watch crap like that?

I only watched the first half-hour. In my defense, I didn't know there'd be water in the pool.

One of the contestants on this show is Antonio Sabato Jr. I'm a big fan. I can tell you everything about him. His dad is Antonio Sabato Sr.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It's the second night of our new time slot. We had a big show last night. Unfortunately, I found out this afternoon we have to do it again tonight. I don't know what these people want from me.

On Fox tonight, they aired a two-hour celebrity diving show called "Stars in Danger: The High Dive." I think the only thing worse than being a celebrity contestant on a competitive diving show is being a celebrity judge on a competitive diving show.

On CBS tonight is the People's Choice Awards. The People's Choice Awards is basically an annual reminder that we have too many awards shows.

It's voted on by the people instead of academy members. That's all good until "Battleship" wins best picture.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.

Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, “1600 Penn,” which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?”

Tuesday, Jan 15, 2013

#2516

Late Night From 01/09
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Baseball Hall of Fame voting results are in, and for the first time since 1996, not one player was voted in. They turned down Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. Here’s how bad it was: Lance Armstrong got more votes than any of those guys.

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called “Cinco de Career-o.”

The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?

Here is a shocking statistic. You know who are the most frequent binge drinkers? Seniors! That explains Brent Musberger’s comments about Miss Alabama.


Conan
The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.

Chris Christie said to his fork, "Shut up or I'm going to switch to my friend — spoon."

It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung.


Late Show with David Letterman
Right here on CBS was the annual People's Choice Awards show. It had fantastic categories like "favorite Kardashian" and "favorite late-night Jimmy."

I was nominated and darn, I was defeated in my category by Brent Musburger. The category was "people's choice for creepiest old guy."

In 2012 we had the hottest year on record, and we had 357 brand-new record highs. That's 358 if you count Lindsay Lohan.

Wed., Jan 16, 2013

#2517

Late Night From 01/10
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Oscar nominations were announced. The movie "Brave" was nominated for best animated feature. I did a voice in that movie. A few years ago, "How to Train Your Dragon" was nominated. I did a voice for that too. I'm sensing a pattern. Accolades are only given to work in which I don't show my face.

The movie that got the most nominations was "Lincoln." It's the first time Hollywood has ever supported a Republican.

"Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance" got zip. Nothing. It is an outrage! Nicolas Cage played a motorcycle-riding skeleton on fire. Let's see Daniel Day-Lewis do that.

John Williams was nominated for his "Lincoln" score. It's his 48th nomination. I wonder if John Williams even pretends to care at this point.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

I was looking through a list of the best picture nominees. Some of them are very obscure. The rule should be that a movie is eligible only if I've heard of it.

"Lincoln" led the field with 12 nominations. Lincoln I've heard of. The guy from the money, right?

In the best actress category, two records were set. An 85-year-old actress became the oldest nominee. And a 9-year-old became the youngest nominee. That is until Honey Boo Boo next year.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. "Lincoln" earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for "Lincoln." I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, "What is a movie?"

The Chilean movie "No" received a nomination for best foreign language film. The producers are working on the sequel called "Maybe."

President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, "You guys know I'll be there, too, right?"

Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, "You are very handsome" and "Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen."

Thur., Jan 17, 2013

#2518

Late Night From 01/10
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. "Lincoln" leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first — not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing.

Congratulations Denzel Washington. He got nominated for best actor for "Flight." It’s about a pilot who's an alcoholic. Or as we call that now — a documentary.

The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be "Faith in America's Future." The idea is to get our minds off of America's present.

The makers of the Monopoly game announced they are going to replace one of the famous board game's tokens. If they want to modernize Monopoly they should just throw the banker into prison and put Lindsay Lohan on the “Get Out of Jail” free card. That’s how you modernize the game.


Conan
A 9-year-old was nominated for an Oscar, making her the youngest nominee ever. She says she's dreamed of winning an Oscar ever since last week.

President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating.

Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me. That's one class where you don't want to cheat off the Asian kid.


Late Show with David Letterman
Baseball's Hall of Fame had its selections for players who are voted in. This year, nobody gets in. Lots of players were eligible, but nobody got in. However, Pete Rose is already taking bets for next year.

Last night here on CBS was the annual People's Choice Awards. And for the 10th year in a row the people chose not to watch.

I don't know how folks do it. I'm telling you, the only way you can get me to sit through an awards show is if I was duct taped to my seat.

Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. "Lincoln" received 12 Oscar nominations. "Lincoln" also received a nomination for best hat.

Friday, Jan 18, 2013

#2519

Late Night From 01/11
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Centers for Disease Control announced that the flu has officially reached epidemic status. Epidemics are rarely good. You rarely hear about balloon epidemics.

Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months.

It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying "I'll be back" all the time.

Justin Bieber is being sued by a former bodyguard. The bodyguard's lawsuit claims Justin punched him repeatedly in the chest. He's seeking $420,000. I think I would pay $420,000 to keep the fact that I got beat up by Justin Bieber a secret.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, "Cool, at least they think we do something."

Yesterday American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home."

Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

Saturday, Jan 19, 2013

#2520

Late Night From 01/11
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?

U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs — put them in vegetables.

Carrots and marijuana — how good will your vision be after THIS combination?

A former bodyguard for Justin Bieber is now suing Justin Bieber, saying that the star assaulted him. Well, you can see why he's suing. Good luck getting anymore work as a bodyguard when find out that you got beat up by Justin Bieber.


Late Show with David Letterman
This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.

Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.

The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.

Kim Kardashian is so optimistic that she says if it goes well with Kanye West she might add a Kanye East.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There is a big new movie out today that I'm excited about: "Gangster Squad." The leader is played by Josh Brolin. He's a real tough guy. He looks like he can go toe-to-toe with even the toughest adversary. That'll happen when your stepmom is Barbra Streisand.

"Gangster Squad" is set in 1948, when L.A. was ruled by a ruthless gang that defended its turf with threats and deception. Sort of like the Kardashians, but with better style.

Sean Penn is also in this movie. Sean Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out the good guys. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

Penn plays legendary gangster Mickey Cohen. In the 1940s Mickey Cohen and his gang ran this town. Now it's run by Mickey Mouse and the Disney gang.

Sunday, Jan 20, 2013

#2521

Late Night From 01/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's cold here in L.A. We broke records last night. It was so cold, Charlie Sheen filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm.

It was so cold, Mel Gibson was seen drunk driving in a snowmobile.

It was so cold Matthew McConaughey was seen wearing a shirt. It's never that cold.

Today is the first day of the Detroit Auto Show. They also give out awards in many different categories. The prize for 2013 light truck of the year went to Daniel Day-Lewis. He's winning everything this year!


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida.

An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve — which is how "The Lord of the Rings" starts, isn't it?

The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet. The temperature was in the low 50s. In fact, it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted.

Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell they're getting up there because now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat's head for 30 seconds until it flies away.

Congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, who won the Miss America pageant on Saturday. You could tell that she is from Brooklyn because instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, "War? Forget about it."

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.

Monday, Jan 21, 2013

#2522

Late Night From 01/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This flu epidemic is just terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. So that's especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride.

Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.

A Florida couple got into a fight resulting in the woman biting off half her boyfriend's ear. She said her biggest complaint is that he never listens.

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?


Conan
The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."

President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.

There is a new app that is coming out that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our fathers.

Steven Tyler and his fiancée have reportedly broken up. The fiancée explained she just wants to date other old gypsy women.


Late Show with David Letterman
Thirteen years ago today doctors had me split open like a lobster and they performed the highly dangerous bypass surgery. Today I said, "Doctor, I'm calling to thank you very much. Thirteen years ago today you saved my life." And he says "Well, Dave, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

I had five bypasses. Or, as former Vice President Dick Cheney refers to it, "a checkup."

Anybody see the Golden Globe awards last night? It's the one night of the year that Hollywood takes a break from congratulating itself to let foreigners congratulate them.

Tuesday, Jan 22, 2013

#2523

Late Night From 01/15
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

His interview with Oprah lasted almost three hours. At one point Lance said he propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history. And Oprah said, "Whoa. Easy there. I'm the one who discovered Dr. Phil."

Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. The admission allows us all to go back to not giving a crap about cycling.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference to announce that if you post one more picture of your cat sleeping, they're going to delete your account.

Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, "Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?" By the way, if you have to ask that, you don't have any friends in San Francisco.

It's an interesting new feature. Soon you'll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.

The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.

MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film “Ben-Hur.” You can tell it’s a remake because instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge — it’s just about sexy vampires.

Wed., Jan 23, 2013

#2524

Late Night From 01/15
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Lance Armstrong confessed during his interview with Oprah Winfrey that he did use performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France seven times. This came as a complete shock to as many as a dozen people.

Although he denied it for years, it was starting to become obvious. Like that one year he won the race on the stationary bike. Remember that?

Lance said that he felt like a great weight had been lifted — a huge, oversized weight that he never could have lifted naturally.

The interview with Oprah will air on Thursday. Then on Friday, Lance will appear on a very special episode of “Cheaters.”


Conan
Oprah Winfrey says she conducted "an intense two and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong." Oprah said she never would have had the stamina if Lance wouldn't have given her something to keep going.

President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. "is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, "By the way, if China calls, I'm not here."

Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.

Actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree. I'll never forget that day in high school when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in "Transformers."


Late Show with David Letterman
I asked my doctor yesterday what the difference is between a cold and the flu and he said, "About $80."

Lindsay Lohan is back in court today. This is her 20th appearance in court. She's been in court so often she's got her own locker.

How about that Lance Armstrong. He goes on the Oprah Winfrey show and he admits to something that I suspected for a long time. He confesses that he in fact is a lesbian.

I think Oprah might have been confused or perhaps poorly informed because Lance kept saying, "Yes, I used performance-enhancing drugs. Yes, I did." And Oprah kept saying, "That's great, but tell us about walking on the moon."

Thur., Jan 24, 2013

#2525

Late Night From 01/16
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"American Idol" starts tonight. This is the third season without Simon Cowell. People thought the show wouldn't survive without him. And those people are called "Simon Cowell."

I think each new judge will bring something unique to the show. Mariah Carey: wisdom. Nicki Minaj: sass. And Keith Urban will bring stubble.

Apps make everything easier these days. To think just a few years ago I had no idea what an app was. Of course a few years ago I had no idea what a Kardashian or a Bieber or a Honey Boo Boo was.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tonight we as a nation usher in a new season of "American Idol." Will it be the final season? Let's hope so.

The judges are almost all new on "American Idol." They include the guy who's married to Nicole Kidman — Keith Urban, who's Australian. Are we really going to let an Australian pick our "American Idol"? Doesn't sound very American to me.

Steven Tyler added a little extra something to "American Idol." He'd zero in on the female contestants. He'd stare at them like a hungry cheetah stalking a gazelle, and I miss that.

Flu season is here. There's always a group of people who are too paranoid to get a flu shot, even though about half of them have between one and 80 tattoos. What these people are saying is: "I do not trust the doctors to tell me the flu shot is safe and effective, but I do trust the guy with a nose ring to inject me repeatedly with ink."


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice.

Oprah’s big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. Oprah said she prepared 112 questions. The first question was, “Did you use steroids?” while the next 111 questions were, “Oh, come on. You used steroids, right?”

A week after saying, “I’m not leaving Oregon for the NFL,” Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, “Pick a story and stick with it.”

The beginning of the movie “Lincoln” has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, “I would have preferred a different ENDING.”

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