Jokes of the day

2476 - 2500

Thur., Dec 06, 2012

#2476

Late Night From 11/21

"President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us." –Jay Leno

"President Obama pardoned the White House turkey, and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy, so it worked nice." –Jay Leno

"We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on." –Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 07, 2012

#2477

Late Night From 11/25

"Over the four-day holiday weekend Americans spent $15 billion a day! That almost breaks President Obama's record." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney had lunch today with President Obama. The White House is calling it a near-beer summit." –Jay Leno

"Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently." –Jay Leno

"Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he's stepping aside for Conan O'Brien." –Craig Ferguson

"Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any." –Craig Ferguson

"The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?" –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Dec 08, 2012

#2478

Late Night From 11/26

"Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners – Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch the other day at the White House. Romney offered to pay. But Obama said, 'No, no, it's on our grandchildren.'" –Jay Leno

"I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings – to which Mitt Romney said, 'I'm not falling for that one again.'" –Jay Leno

"Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.' That says danger. People understand that." –Jay Leno

"'Fiscal cliff' is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: 'We're headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.' That’s what it is." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Dec 09, 2012

#2479

Late Night From 11/27

"President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, 'So how much do you want for the place.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he'll definitely keep doing it." –Conan O'Brien

"After weeks of the Benghazi scandal and the fiscal cliff crisis, Obama offers Romney a position in the administration – President of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools." –Conan O'Brien

"Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff." –Conan O'Brien

"New York City policeman has become world-famous now for a viral pic of him giving a pair of boots to a homeless man. Then Nicolas Cage said, 'Thanks for the shoes.'" –Conan O'Brien

Monday, Dec 10, 2012

#2480

Late Night From 12/03
Part 1

"Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own 'naughty and nice list' of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, 'Great, now I've got to worry about his list AND Santa’s?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson

"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, Dec 11, 2012

#2481

Late Night From 12/03
Part 2

"The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign." –Conan O'Brien

"Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him." –Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it." –David Letterman

"With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president." –David Letterman

"I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them." –David Letterman

Wed., Dec 12, 2012

#2482

Late Night From 12/04
Part 1

"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman

"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon

Thur., Dec 13, 2012

#2483

Late Night From 12/04
Part 2

"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno

"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno

"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien

"Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, Dec 14, 2012

#2484

Late Night From 12/05
Part 1

"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno

"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien

"A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'" –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Barbara Walters has released part of her 'Most Fascinating People' list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Dec 15, 2012

#2485

Late Night From 12/05
Part 2

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president f the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman

"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Dec 16, 2012

#2486

Late Night From 12/06

"House Speaker John Boehner says that his efforts to work with President Obama on the fiscal cliff have resulted in a lot of talk but 'no action.' Yeah, a lot of talk but no action – or as I called that in college, 'a date.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to The Associated Press, China will soon overtake the United States as the world's number one global trader. Which is actually good news for most Americans. Didn't you think China overtook us already?" –Jay Leno

"According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans." –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Dec 17, 2012

#2487

Late Night From 12/07

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, 'I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside." –Conan O'Brien

"The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, 'Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing." –David Letterman

"Because of climate change, "Frosty the Snowman" has a new name. Now he's called 'Frosty the Puddle.'" –David Letterman

"The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the 'Triangle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, Dec 18, 2012

#2488

Late Night From 12/10
Part 1

"It's starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won't get off us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's time to start practicing your pretending-to-like-a-gift face." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, 'Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.' If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A survey found that 66 million Americans haven't started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili's gift cards." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, 'Norway?' He said, 'Yes, way.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean 'Germany.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I think the EU should expand and bring peace to the world's more troubled region. Perhaps the set of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Dec 19, 2012

#2489

Late Night From 12/10
Part 2

"Al Qaeda's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family." –Jay Leno

"Did you see the Manny Pacquiao fight? He got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Was that really that big of a deal? Passing out face first in Vegas — who hasn't done that, really?" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?" –David Letterman

Thur., Dec 20, 2012

#2490

Late Night From 12/11
Part 1

"A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people said, 'Oh, Santa's a Democrat because he gives handouts,' and other people said, 'He's a Republican because he's an old white guy.''" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Dec 21, 2012

#2491

Late Night From 12/11
Part 2

"A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody." –Jay Leno

"The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien

"Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Dec 22, 2012

#2492

Late Night From 12/12

"According to the latest census poll, a large number of Californians are moving out of state and going to places like Texas and Nevada. Look, I know a lot of us are disgusted with the Lakers, but that's no reason . . ." –Jay Leno

"The Lakers are so bad, when Mitt Romney talks about the 47 percent, he means Dwight Howard's free throw shooting." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien

"According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?" –David Letterman

"December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual." –David Letterman

"Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea's successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, 'the best forecast ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Dec 23, 2012

#2493

Late Night From 12/13
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Usually I go into a diatribe about how the Golden Globe people are a scandal-ridden group of suck-ups whose only joy in life is getting within 10 feet of movie stars. In other words, "my people."

Golden Globes are given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The entertainment journalists are from tiny foreign newspapers like the Luxembourg Pennysaver, the Oslo Tattler, and the Rotterdam Bugler.

The favorite in the comedy/musical category is "Les Misérables." Because what's funnier or catchier than prison breaks, poverty, and the guillotine?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

There are only 11 days before Christmas Eve. I give a lot of gifts on Christmas and I get a lot of gifts on Christmas. But I don't open them right away. I like to save my gifts and I open them during shark week. It's just more exciting.

The nominations for the Golden Globes were announced this morning. If you got a screaming phone call at 4 a.m., you were either nominated for a Golden Globe or you're Charlie Sheen's girlfriend.

The Golden Globes are very important because whoever wins the Golden Globe may or may not win the Oscar.

Steven Spielberg's movie "Lincoln" had the most nominations of any film this year. Seven. "Lincoln" was nominated for best picture, best director, best beard without a mustache, and furriest top hat.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, “The point.”

HBO is planning a new movie similar to “Game Change,” but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, “Hey, I’m not doing anything.”

This week, police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors with the last names Hall and Oates. But don’t worry. It was quickly broken up by officers Simon and Garfunkel.

Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.

Monday, Dec 24, 2012

#2494

Late Night From 12/13
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!

Yesterday a judge in Los Angeles revoked Lindsay Lohan's probation and Lindsay could get 5 to 10 behind bars. Not years, that’s minutes. This is L.A. jail time.

The Army has started kicking out overweight soldiers, and they're refusing to admit recruits that are obese. That shows you how times have changed. Back in the '60s, you had to go to Canada to stay out of the Army. Now, you just have to go to McDonald's.

Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.

Conan

Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They're Laker fans.

Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.

Today is Taylor Swift's 23rd birthday. She said she wants to spend a quiet at home breaking up with someone.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's award season. They start off with the Nobel Prize awards. Then they go to the Golden Globes.

The Golden Globes is the only TV award show where everybody gets to drink through the show. But that's not true. I drink through them all.

Barbara Walters' "Ten Most Fascinating People" show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.

The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.

Tuesday, Dec 25, 2012

#2495

Late Night From 12/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using canons to shoot marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really far, and Willie Nelson's house.

"The Hobbit" opens today. It's going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election.

Gollum's back as well. He's my favorite character. According to "The Lord of the Rings," Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy. That's why some men view him as a symbol of marriage.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new movie "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" came out today. It is almost three hours long. This marks the first time people are saying, "I'm going to save myself some time and just read the book."

Airlines in Europe are testing a new robot that can make drinks for passengers instead of having flight attendants do it. This way, flight attendants can stay focused on their most important job — ramming the beverage cart into your elbow.

Last night the Lakers lost to the Knicks for their fourth loss in a row. I don't want to say that it was an easy night for the Knicks, but even Woody Allen finished with nine points.

Wed., Dec 26, 2012

#2496

Late Night From 12/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and "Lincoln" got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.

On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.

The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican.

Late Show with David Letterman

Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.

The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing.

On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?

The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work.

Thur., Dec 27, 2012

#2497

Late Night From 12/17
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

On Saturday night someone stole the cover off my daughter's Prius. My daughter is away at college. I'm determined to catch these guys. Who steals the cover off a car? That's like stealing the cap off a pen.

If you thieves are watching right now, I want you to know that my name is Jimmy Kimmel and you stole the cover off my daughter's Prius and I will not rest until you are brought to justice.

I never felt more like Liam Neeson than I did a moment ago.

To get you in the Christmas spirit, we booked a rapper by the name of 2 Chainz who reminds me of a young Bing Crosby.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.

ABC is working on a new show inspired by Justin Bieber’s life before he got famous. It makes sense — I mean, there’s just so much we don’t know about that week.

Friday, Dec 28, 2012

#2498

Late Night From 12/17
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In what's being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It's called "Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff."

Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton passed out, hit her head, and suffered a minor concussion. Well, we found out today why she passed out. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row.

Animal control officers have now shut down a rat-breeding business here in California due to animal neglect. That's when you know things are bad — when your business is too unsanitary for rats.

Late Show with David Letterman

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens.

For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.

This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?

If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A woman in Spain was arrested for stashing three pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. I thought, "That's quite a bust."

Anne Hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car last week with no underpants on. That's still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the Oscars.

You know the economy is bad when the most successful celebrities can't afford underwear.

Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It's a toy that came out in 1998. It's weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn't thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now.

Saturday, Dec 29, 2012

#2499

Late Night From 12/18
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday.

"A Charlie Brown Christmas" aired on CBS for 35 years. But since 2001 it's been airing on ABC. I can't believe CBS let a classic like that get away, yet they keep this crappy show on the air.

I love Charlie Brown. He's a pretty mopey kid. His whole demeanor is depressing. The first time saw Charlie Brown, I couldn't believe he wasn't Scottish. And he wears the same yellow and black shirt every day. It makes him look like a Steelers fan.

Here is what I think is weird about Charlie Brown. People always call him by his full name. I'd like it if people referred to me by my complete name: Craig Dingleberry Mcpennywhistle Susan Ferguson.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.

Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn't end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.

And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably.

If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.

Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of “The Hobbit”!

Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with “9,000 pounds of cheese.’”

There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of “The Expendables 3,” along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie’s next title: “The Can’t-Understandables.”

Sunday, Dec 30, 2012

#2500

Late Night From 12/18
Part 2

Tuesday Dec 18 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.

NBC's foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.

Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie “Zero Dark Thirty.” It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film “Lincoln.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.

Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties.

And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.

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