Jokes of the day

2451 - 2475

Sunday, Nov 11, 2012

#2451

Late Night From 10/31
Part 1

"President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as 'Slutty Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Due to the tough economy, two of the world's biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they're only going to publish one book this year – '50 Shades of Harry Potter.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert

"Folks, it's one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected." –Stephen Colbert

"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

Monday, Nov 12, 2012

#2452

Late Night From 10/31
Part 2

"Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show." –David Letterman

"The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos." –David Letterman

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee's employee of the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, 'Who are you supposed to be?' He said, 'I'm an undecided voter.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records." –Jay Leno

"Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Nov 13, 2012

#2453

Late Night From 11/01
Part 1

"Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: 'What are you supposed to be?' He said: 'the economy.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They're so filthy I'd rather write a letter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Disney has bought the rights to the "Star Wars" movies for $4 billion. "Star Wars" fans are passionate. Most don't like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots." –Craig Ferguson

"The new films will be made by Disney. I've worked with Disney. They're a great company to work for. If I don't say that, they'll hurt me." –Craig Ferguson

"George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, "Great, George. We'll just put them on the fridge." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Nov 14, 2012

#2454

Late Night From 11/01
Part 2

"The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds." –David Letterman

"It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday's marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds." –David Letterman

"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien

"The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver." –Conan O'Brien

"The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount." –Jimmy Fallon

"A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her." –Jimmy Fallon

"Italy's former prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno

"Two women from the Dominican Republic claim that New Jersey Senator Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. If true, he could be charged with impersonating a Secret Service agent. In his defense, Senator Menendez denies the charges, but I think he’s in trouble. Who’s going to take the word of a politician over a whore?” –Jay Leno

Thur., Nov 15, 2012

#2455

Late Night From 11/02
Part 1

"They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama." –Jay Leno

"New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?" –David Letterman

"You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we'll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That's good news." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He's urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954." –David Letterman

"Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like 'Romnesia.' Then he said, 'I mean it’s just an 'Obamanation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don't even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what's going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Nov 16, 2012

#2456

Late Night From 11/02
Part 2

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy

"Oabma's been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they're heart's not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchana said, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

Tonight they're having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey – Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said 'where are the conservative performers?' That's right, that's what would help so much. 'Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.'" –Bill Maher

"They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what's the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi." –Bill Maher

"Of Fox News they're obsessed with Benghazi. They want answers. They're like a teen boy reaching into a pair of panties for the first time. They're not sure what it is, they're not sure where it is but they know there's something in there and they're going to find it." –Bill Maher

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden...he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode." –Bill Maher

“You almost have to admire the – I can only describe it as the political zen of this man, where the past it always an illusion, and the lying bulls**t you say in this perfect moment is all that matters." –Bill Maher

"Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, 'What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a f**king moron?" –Bill Maher

"What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher

"Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty." –Bill Maher

Saturday, Nov 17, 2012

#2457

Late Night From 11/07
Part 1

"The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, 'Hope and Pinot Grigio.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, 'Eh, coulda been better.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, 'Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 51-49er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? Look, Romney won all that red stuff. Why don't we elect our president on square footage? Because Romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south." –Stephen Colbert

"The illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country, what did voters have to do on their scantron sheets? Fill in an 'O.' Huh, where have I seen that before? And no surprise, it starts out white and you're forced to fill it in black." –Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Nov 18, 2012

#2458

Late Night From 11/07
Part 2

"Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, finally the long race is over and as usual a guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman

"Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that's great, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight's debate." –David Letterman

"It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote." –David Letterman

"Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool." –David Letterman (Share this joke on Facebook)

"A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters." –David Letterman

"The had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving." –David Letterman

"Mitt waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, 'I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman

"The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone." –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of people said over the last few weeks that if Obama wins, they're going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Nov 19, 2012

#2459

Late Night From 11/07
Part 3

"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno (Share this joke on Facebook)

"Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno

"Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

"Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he's going to take a vacation. He's been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!" –Jay Leno

"In a stage show Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what' s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge." –Jay Leno

"This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out." –Jay Leno

"Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch." –Conan O'Brien (Share this joke on Facebook)

After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Nov 20, 2012

#2460

Late Night From 11/08
Part 1

"If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, 'What do you mean if we do nothing?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney's loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney's family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they took it much harder than we thought." –Conan O'Brien

"They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." –Conan O'Brien

"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone's on a serious bender. It starts with the Nestle Quick, the next thing you know you're snorting Jolly Ranchers" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It's important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one is exactly sure why it's taking Florida so long. I'm sure they'll have it all sorted out by Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm checking for updates on the campaign's 'I'm with Mitt' app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today – 'I'm With Mitt.' Then later, 'I'm Standing With Mitt.' And eventually, 'I'm In The Fetal Position With Mitt.'" –Stephen Colbert

Wed., Nov 21, 2012

#2461

Late Night From 11/08
Part 2

"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know." –David Letterman

"What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.'" –Jay Leno

"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percetn of Rommney votesr were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote." –Jay Leno

"It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and they're like, 'The winner is – Al Gore?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence." –Jimmy Fallon

Thur., Nov 22, 2012

#2462

Late Night From 11/08
Part 3

"I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman

"Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don't know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won't know what happened until they find the black box." –David Letterman

"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman

"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman

"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the Republicans need another old white guy." –David Letterman

"I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line." –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about the fiscal cliff. And I'd be talking about the fiscal cliff too if I knew what the hell it was." –David Letterman

Friday, Nov 23, 2012

#2463

Late Night From 11/09
Part 1

"That just doesn't happen in campaigns. You'd think his slogan was 'have you lost weight?'" –Bill Maher

"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance." –Jay Leno

"The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today." –Jay Leno

"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet." –Jay Leno

"I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years." –David Letterman

"Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The election has been over for three days, but already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the 'I voted' stickers off our jackets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren't running. Good study." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, 'What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Nov 24, 2012

#2464

Late Night From 11/09
Part 2

"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." –Bill Maher

"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." –Bill Maher

"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" –Bill Maher

"Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule.

"Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This would such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again." –Bill Maher

"Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC

"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." –Bill Maher

"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." –Bill Maher

"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." –Bill Maher

"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." –Bill Maher

Sunday, Nov 25, 2012

#2465

Late Night From 11/10

"According to poll data, President Obama's victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers." –Seth Meyers

"After this week's election 19 women will now hold seats in the Senate, which is the highest number ever. And no one is happier about it than the pantsuit industry." –Seth Meyers

"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" –Seth Meyers

"Navy officials said Thursday that seven members of SEAL Team 6, the elite unit that killed Osama Bin Laden, were given career-ending reprimands after they disclosed operational secrets to the makers of the videogame "Medal of Honor." Now everyone knows Bin Laden was killed by A, B, A, B, up, down, right trigger, left trigger." –Seth Meyers

Monday, Nov 26, 2012

#2466

Late Night From 11/12
Part 1

"The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who – well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs." –Craig Ferguson

"This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor." –Jimmy Fallon

"The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Nov 27, 2012

#2467

Late Night From 11/12
Part 2

"Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We're talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time." –Jay Leno

"Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'" –Jay Leno

"We're in great shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff." –Jay Leno

"But the good news: President Obama says we will run out of gas long before we get to the cliff. So don't worry about it." –Jay Leno

"Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff." –David Letterman

"James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?" –David Letterman

"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio." –David Letterman

"The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?" –Craig Ferguson

"No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Nov 28, 2012

#2468

Late Night From 11/13

"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie – it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA." –Jay Leno

"People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he's behaving like your common congressman." –Jay Leno

"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno

"I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter." –Jay Leno

"David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." –Conan O'Brien

"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." –Conan O'Brien

"This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government." –Jimmy Fallon

"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? ... You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing." –David Letterman

"You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names." –David Letterman

"A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife." –David Letterman

"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert

Thur., Nov 29, 2012

#2469

Late Night From 11/14

"It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now." –Jay Leno

"No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia." –Jay Leno

"See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." –Jay Leno

"This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." –Jay Leno

"There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." –David Letterman

"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." –David Letterman

"According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals." –David Letterman

"This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. IN a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of Patraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Patraeus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney's tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, 'Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!' And now he's like, 'Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there's also a downside." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Nov 30, 2012

#2470

Late Night From 11/15
Part 1

"Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life." --Jimmy Fallon

"There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it." --Jay Leno

"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Dec 01, 2012

#2471

Late Night From 11/15
Part 2

"Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede." --David Letterman

"After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said, 'We can't take it anymore,' so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece." --David Letterman

"Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story." --David Letterman

"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien

"Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Dec 02, 2012

#2472

Late Night From 11/17

"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." –Bill Maher

Monday, Dec 03, 2012

#2473

Late Night From 11/18

"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." –Bill Maher

"This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military." –Bill Maher

Tuesday, Dec 04, 2012

#2474

Late Night From 11/19

"Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, 'Am I invisible yet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on." –Bill Maher

Wed., Dec 05, 2012

#2475

Late Night From 11/20

"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno

"France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before." –Jay Leno

"Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas' missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play." –Jay Leno

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