Jokes of the day

2426 - 2550

Wed., Oct 17, 2012

#2426

Late Night From 10/04
Part 2

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Say what you will about Mitt Romney. Less night I thought he was energetic, he was crisp, he was dynamic. What have you done with the real Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman

"60 million people watched this from around the world. And from the Cayman Islands, even Mitt's money was watching." –David Letterman

"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At one point last night President said the one thing about being president is learning to say no -- especially when someone asks, 'Do you feel ready for this debate?'" –Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It's about time someone went after those guys. It's about time someone took some starch out of their collars.

"During last night's debate, Mitt Romney said he'd cut funds to PBS, even though he loves Big Bird. He's definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to." –Conan O'Brien

"After months of buildup, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn't show up to the event -- Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thur., Oct 18, 2012

#2427

Late Night From 10/04
Part 3

"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

"He just told the moderator -- who works at PBS -- I'm going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn't just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!" –Stephen Colbert, impersonating Sesame Street's The Count, referring to Romney's attack on the popular children's show

"There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate." –Jon Stewart

The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.

"They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama. What happened?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno

Friday, Oct 19, 2012

#2428

Late Night From 10/05
Part 1

"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda. "–David Letterman

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, 'Well, what about just for fun?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, 'Any way they can play him in a debate?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Twitter said today that Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Excuses"

10. "I haven't slept an hour since 2008"
9. "Romney's hair is mesmerizing"
8. "Didn't want to wake Jim Lehrer"
7. "Haven't been the same since I quit smoking"
6. "Honestly, I thought the debate was next week"
5. "I live with my mother-in-law, what do you want from me?"
4. "Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt's written off"
3. "Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman"
2. "Why don't you ask Bin Laden how I did?"
1. "It's Bush's fault"

Saturday, Oct 20, 2012

#2429

Late Night From 10/05
Part 2

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher

"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently ahd the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher

"Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski." –Bill Maher

"Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan." –Bill Maher

"I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert." –Bill Maher

"At one point Obama looked do dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher

"It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'" –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher

"I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, 'That mother**ker is good.'" –Bill Maher

Sunday, Oct 21, 2012

#2430

Late Night From 10/06

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this." –Seth Meyers

"According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday's debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?" –Seth Meyers

Monday, Oct 22, 2012

#2431

Late Night From 10/08

Jon Stewart on PBS: "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

"I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe." –Jon Stewart

"Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it's also known, 'the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him 'like a cannonball.' In response, Biden was like, 'There's gonna be a pool there?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama." –Jay Leno

"While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago." –Jay Leno

"Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate." –Jay Leno

"It's Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He's taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?" –David Letterman

"The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise." –David Letterman

"President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don't work out next month." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Oct 23, 2012

#2432

Late Night From 10/09

"The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change.'" –Jay Leno

"Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno

"Can you believe it's only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?" –Jay Leno

"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you're probably one of them." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Oct 24, 2012

#2433

Late Night From 10/10

"The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they're going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt." –David Letterman

"It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either." –David Letterman

"You know Obama's campaign is in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around." –David Letterman

"Here comes the vice-presidential debate. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state." –David Letterman

"You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House was a little worried. In fact, Biden's handlers are telling him, 'Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be anybody else.'" –Jay Leno

Thur., Oct 25, 2012

#2434

Late Night From 10/11

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million 'Likes' in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"There is a lot of anticipation for tonight's vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate." –Jay Leno

"Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight was the vice presidential debate. A lot of people say who cares, but let me tell you something. One of these two gentlemen will be walking the White House dog." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan's handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel." –David Letterman

"Before the debate, Ryan said he'll stick to the facts. So, see, he's already lying." –David Letterman

"The vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden's ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We haven't seen Paul Ryan talk much. He's a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Paul Ryan looks like the guy who guards the keg at a frat party." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn't happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn't even have time to thank his agent." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Oct 26, 2012

#2435

Late Night From 10/12

"Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions." –Bill Maher

"But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless." –Bill Maher

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher

"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice-presidential debate. Even the ladies from 'The View' were like, 'Dude — wait your turn!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Biden aggressively contested nearly every claim his opponent made during their debate. Then President Obama was like, 'Wait — you’re allowed to do that?' –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night was the vice-presidential debate. Jim Lehrer, who moderated the first debate, wanted to watch at home but he lost control of the remote." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada." –David Letterman

"I was watching TV last night, and I see this stupid infomercial for Crest Whitestrips that goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it's Joe Biden. I'm watching the debate." –Jay Leno

"The Obama campaign has a new strategy. They've gone from 'hope and change' to 'smirk and giggle.'" –Jay Leno

"We learned a lot about Joe Biden's policies last night. As you know, he has come out very, very strongly against malarkey." –Jay Leno

"There were a couple of really funny jokes during the debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'" –Jay Leno

Saturday, Oct 27, 2012

#2436

Late Night From 10/13

"Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons." –Seth Meyers

"During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

"Look how happy old grampa Joe Biden's made liberals! Last night he ate Eddie Munster's lunch." –Bill Maher on the vice presidential debate

"I thought Biden was awesome. During the whole debate, I kept thinking to myself, 'I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket.'" –Bill Maher

"I am still not over that last presidential debate and how Obama performed. I have not seen a Democratic president look that complacent and entitled since Clinton made Monica blow him while he was on the phone." –Bill Maher

"Liberals were freaking out this week and they were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them because when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens." –Bill Maher

"It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

Sunday, Oct 28, 2012

#2437

Late Night From 10/15

"The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as 'Money Bag.'" –Conan O'Brien

"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president." –Conan O'Brien

"Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She's pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight's debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said 'Boooo, China.' And Obama was like, 'Yay, old people.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Oct 29, 2012

#2438

Late Night From 10/17

"Last night, Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through 'binders full of women.' Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn't know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like 'Footloose.' And 'Hoosiers.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closets he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart

"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

"Shocking. A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair -- and it wasn't with a man, woohoo!" –Stephen Colbert

"Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet." –Craig Ferguson

"Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there's no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice." –Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, Oct 30, 2012

#2439

Late Night From 10/18

"He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'" –Bill Maher

"Today Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

"The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, 'Check the transcript, asshole.' And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, 'Yes, I was there, it's true, he did call it that.' Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, 'We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!' And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder." –Bill Maher

"Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance." –Bill Maher on voter fraud laws

"You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

Wed., Oct 31, 2012

#2440

Late Night From 10/20

"A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number." –Seth Meyers

"Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada." –Seth Meyers

"Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn't know birth control was pro-Obama." –Seth Meyers

"Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food." –Bill Maher

"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher

"This week's debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters." –Bill Maher on the second presidential debate

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out." –Bill Maher

Thur., Nov 01, 2012

#2441

Late Night From 10/22
Part 1

"So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?" –Jay Leno

"Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate." –Jay Leno

"The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season." –Jay Leno

"Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass." –Stephen Colbert

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.” –Stephen Colbert

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

Friday, Nov 02, 2012

#2442

Late Night From 10/22
Part 2

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks." –Conan O'Brien

"The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he has a “very big” announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in 'Romnesia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pundits are saying Mitt Romney won the first debate, and the second debate probably was won by President Obama. Whoever wins the third debate, held tonight, will meet the Tigers in the World Series." –David Letterman

"Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples." –David Letterman

Saturday, Nov 03, 2012

#2443

Late Night From 10/23
Part 1

"As part of a new 'transparency series,' McDonald's is releasing videos that show how its food is made. It involves horses and bayonets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game." –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno

"A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Nov 04, 2012

#2444

Late Night From 10/23
Part 2

"Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch." –David Letterman

"After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama and Romney aren't the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night's debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election." –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, 'We'll take him!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Nov 05, 2012

#2445

Late Night From 10/24

Jay Leno to Obama: "What's this thing with Trump and you? It's like me and Letterman. I don't get it."
Obama: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya."

"We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week." –Jay Leno

"Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling 'The Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno

"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." –Jay Leno

"Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman

"The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She'll be here to promote her new reality show, 'America's Next Top Lady.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. " –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, Nov 06, 2012

#2446

Late Night From 10/25

"Home sales are up. That's certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls." –Jay Leno

"There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day AFTER Election Day the holiday?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in." –Jay Leno

"While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he's a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She'll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it's hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling 'You gonna eat that' over and over again in my ear." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson

"Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here's what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio." –David Letterman

"How about the Giants' Pablo Sandoval? In the game last night, he had three home runs and a single. And today Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees said, 'You can do that?'" –David Letterman

"Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"The debates are over. All that's left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines." –David Letterman

Wed., Nov 07, 2012

#2447

Late Night From 10/26
Part 1

"Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders." –Bill Maher

"If these evangelical Republicans were any more anti-woman, I would think that they're repressed homo…wait a second!" –Bill Maher

"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president." –David Letterman

"You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He'll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake." –David Letterman

"President Obama is now getting some criticism for calling Mitt Romney a B.S.'er. I don’t think that means 'big spender.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as 'Trump Place.' The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. " –Jay Leno

"It’s now reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in another 'Conan' movie. In this one, Conan has a son with the woman who cleans his castle." –Jay Leno

Thur., Nov 08, 2012

#2448

Late Night From 10/26
Part 2

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"You know what the popular costume with the kids is this year? They get black face and a valium and they go as first-debate Obama." –Bill Maher

"We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, 'what he said, but from a white guy.'" –Bill Maher

"He morphed into Obama so hard at the end of it he went over and hugged Michelle." –Bill Maher

"In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're at this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife." –Bill Maher

"Today Mitt Romney picked up the endorsement of Meat Loaf. When Chris Christie heard that Meat Loaf was behind Romney, he pushed Romney out of the way." –Bill Maher

"They're saying the Frankenstorm could be the worst storm ever. What's happening is a cold front from Canada and low pressure from the hurricane are colliding with the hot air from Donald Trump." –Bill Maher

Friday, Nov 09, 2012

#2449

Late Night From 10/29

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over hurricane sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

"Folks back east are feeling the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy — 100-mile-an-hour winds, lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it." –Jay Leno

"The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout." –Jay Leno

"They keep saying the candidates are out making stump speeches. You know why it's called a stump speech? Because after a candidate is done with his speech, you're completely stumped as to what he said." –Jay Leno

"We're in the middle of Hurricane Sandy. So thank you very much for joining us here in the Ed Sullivan Shelter." –David Letterman

"Power outages could wreak havoc on Election Day. But don't worry, Republicans have back-up crooked voting machines." –David Letterman (share this joke on Facebook)

"This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs." –David Letterman

"It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone." –David Letterman

"President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Nov 10, 2012

#2450

Late Night From 10/30

"Everybody's mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the day after Hurricane Sandy, and once again we have no studio audience. We don't care, we're still going do a show. I had to come in. I've used up all my sick days." –David Letterman

"Economic losses could reach $20 billion. And most of that is in paper towels." –David Letterman

"I feel like Clint Eastwood – an old guy talking to empty chairs." –David Letterman

"New Jersey took a pounding. Governor Chris Christie was actually knocked over." –David Letterman

"I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you guys caught the show last night, but because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to do the show to a bunch of empty seats — or as Clint Eastwood calls that, 'a full house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We're still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don't have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, "How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don't have Facebook or Twitter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

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