Jokes of the day

2401 - 2425

Saturday, Sep 22, 2012


Late Night From 09/06
Part 2

"Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns." –Stephen Colbert

"Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward." –Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of home owners in the past four years." –Jay Leno

"In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden's speech also was moved to a smaller venue – the back room at Denny's, the booth in the corner." –Jay Leno

"We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies. We are now number seven. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there.'" –Jay Leno

Sunday, Sep 23, 2012


Late Night From 09/07

"The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus." –Bill Maher

"The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher

"President Obama spoke last night. The speech must have been pretty good because today Clint Eastwood said he was voting for the chair." –Bill Maher

"Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape." –Bill Maher

"Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, 'No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, 'I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.' And over at Fox News they said, 'Get the fact checkers on that.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there's one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply." –Bill Maher

"It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don't even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, 'Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?' And he said, 'Who's Charlotte?'" –Bill Maher

"When you look at the two conventions, the speeches at the Democratic convention were just better. Go back and watch Mitt Romney. After seeing Michele Obama speak, and Bill Clinton speak, and the president speak, it's like watching an armless guy paint with his ass." –Bill Maher

"Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF." –Jay Leno

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

"When it came to 'hope' and 'change' President Obama told the crowd, 'You were the change.' And then the crowd said, 'Hey don't blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'" –Jay Leno

"Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, 'Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'" –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Sep 24, 2012


Late Night From 09/10

"Yesterday in Florida, President Obama visited a pizzeria. The owner gave the president a bear hug and lifted him off his feet. Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. The ad ends with him saying, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I have no idea what these people are saying.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That's like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsay Lohan tweeted President Obama on the topic of tax cuts. Someone needs to tell her she's Lindsay Lohan and should be focusing on what the president plans to do to cut car insurance deductibles." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Sep 25, 2012


Late Night From 09/11

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers." –Craig Ferguson

"Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Sep 26, 2012


Late Night From 09/12

"A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney's depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, 'Wow, you too?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

Thur., Sep 27, 2012


Late Night From 09/13

"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers

"Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President." –Seth Meyers

"In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win." (on screen: a picture of someone strapped to the roof of his plane) –Seth Meyers

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher

"He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

Friday, Sep 28, 2012


Late Night From 09/17
Part 1

"It's Opening Day of the U.N in New York...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town." –David Letterman

"Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, 'Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Sep 29, 2012


Late Night From 09/17
Part 2

"According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work." –Jay Leno

"Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray." –Jay Leno

"I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?" –Jay Leno

"All over the world people are chanting, 'Death to America.' Except in China, where they're chanting, 'Not until we get our money back.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called 'Total Recall.' In response, she's written a book about their affair called 'Alien vs. Predator.'" –Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Sep 30, 2012


Late Night From 09/18

"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno

"If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the people who Obama says cling to their guns and religion, that's the whole country right there." –Jay Leno

"All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth." –Jay Leno

"A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself." –Jay Leno

"Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan told the crowd at the Values Voter Summit that if President Obama wins, there's no going back. So basically what he said was, once you go black, you can't go back." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning...But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people." –Conan O'Brien

"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side"

Monday, Oct 01, 2012


Late Night From 09/19

"It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney says that about half the country is freeloaders. And freeloaders – that includes wealthy politicians who only pay 13 percent in tax." –David Letterman

"I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I'm telling you, this takes talent." –David Letterman

"Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video." –Jimmy Fallon

"What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters." –Stephen Colbert

"Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith." –Stephen Colbert

"As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Oct 02, 2012


Late Night From 09/20

"Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it, and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno

"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not 'presidential.' Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory." –Jay Leno

"Newsweek has a new cover story titled 'Muslim Rage.' Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors." –Jimmy Fallon

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Oct 03, 2012


Late Night From 09/21

"They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I'm sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, 'My job is not to worry about those people.' You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating c**ksucker?" –Bill Maher

"This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there's a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It's like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones." –Bill Maher

Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?" –Bill Maher

"Even republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They're very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly." –Bill Maher

At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: 'Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick.'" –Bill Maher

"It's gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt's campaign – he resigned. Isn't that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you'll make him look like a loser?" –Bill Maher

"In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?" –Jay Leno

"Obama has gone from 'Yes we can.' to 'I'm sorry. No one can.'" –Jay Leno

Thur., Oct 04, 2012


Late Night From 09/22

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers

"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers

"Obama came out and said, 'Hey, I can't change Washington from the inside.' I'm not saying what you said isn't true. I'm saying, why are you saying anything during this Romney tailspin? … Don't make this hard on yourself – you're like the criminal that gets away with murder and then starts sending the cops puzzles to figure it out. Also, on a pure entertainment level, don't do anything to take the focus off the Romney follies – their campaign is getting crazier than the last season of 'Lost.'" –Seth Meyers

Friday, Oct 05, 2012


Late Night From 09/24

"Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent." –Jay Leno

"The president's re-election campaign slogan is "Forward," which is also his policy on paying for stuff." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?" –Jay Leno

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno

"Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he's just a regular guy like you and me." –Jay Leno

"A civil rights group said that up to 10 million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws 10 million. And that's just here in LA." –Jay Leno

"The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Oct 06, 2012


Late Night From 09/25

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, 'Look at these crowds!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials -- you know "the most interesting man in the world" -- he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s 'stay thirsty my friends.'" –Jay Leno

"At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans that she will strip naked if President Obama is reelected. Is it just me, or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney?" –Jay Leno

"The U.N. has opened up. Leaders of countries from all over the world have come here. They have diplomatic immunity so they can do stuff and get away with it. It's like Lindsay Lohan." –David Letterman

"The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he's come to the right place." –David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, 'I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that's going to fix our economy?" –David Letterman

"Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it's his first time riding on a bus. He's trying to show the world that he's s regular guy, and he's taking a bus tour. It's just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt's bus, the brownies are brownies." –David Letterman

"Republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up." –Stephen Colbert

"I lost the Emmy. Speaking of losing – Mitt Romney." –Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Oct 07, 2012


Late Night From 09/26

"Mitt Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent." –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET." –Conan O'Brien

"Let me tell you how crazy Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." –Jay Leno

"Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own." –David Letterman

"The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don't get it. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches." –Stephen Colbert

"God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!" –Stephen Colbert

Monday, Oct 08, 2012


Late Night From 09/27

"There's a man who actually went to high school with Mitt Romney and later went to law school with President Obama. When asked how going to school with two presidential candidates made him feel, he said, 'Uh, bad about my job at Arby's.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno

"There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days -- Obama can make a gaffe, Mitt could win the debates, God can send a flood to destroy all mankind. So, there's hope." –Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, Oct 09, 2012


Late Night From 09/28

"Here's another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman

"The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go." –David Letterman

"These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

"With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, 'Way ahead of you. Don't worry about that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Oct 10, 2012


Late Night From 10/01
Part 1

"The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English." –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!" –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on '60 Minutes.' He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren't official because the couples couldn't understand what Arnold was saying." –Jimmy Fallon

"The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, 'Get in.' ... Just get in. And it puts the lotion on its body." –Stephen Colbert

"The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth." –Stephen Colbert

Thur., Oct 11, 2012


Late Night From 10/01
Part 2

"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own." –Jay Leno

"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Oct 12, 2012


Late Night From 10/02
Part 1

"The debates begin tomorrow night and we'll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV's 'Dynasty.'" –David Letterman
"I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama won Family Circle's bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn't she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She's contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office." –Craig Ferguson

"Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called 'M&M Treats.' Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, 'Oh, no, that's her husband.'" –Craig Ferguson

"There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I'm talking about you, Paul Ryan – with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn't decided who she's voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on 'Jersey Shore,' not both." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Oct 13, 2012


Late Night From 10/02
Part 2

"For tomorrow's debate, President Obama's advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are 'bin Laden' and 'dead.' That's it." –Conan O'Brien

"In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, 'If there are any angels in heaven, they're all nurses.' Then Biden said, 'Of course, maybe they wouldn't be in heaven if they'd had better nurses.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?' –Jay Leno

"I understand they are going to have 'fact checkers' standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual." –Jay Leno

"At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, 'The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.' Which candidate is he campaigning for? I'm confused." –Jay Leno

"Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring." –Jay Leno

"The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Oct 14, 2012


Late Night From 10/03
Part 1

"Tonight also happens to be Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. 'Honey, I'd love to go to the ballet with you, but I'm debating Mitt Romney that night.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football." –Jay Leno

"Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now." –Jay Leno

"There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud." –Jay Leno

"Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans." –Jay Leno

Monday, Oct 15, 2012


Late Night From 10/03
Part 2

"It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time." –Jimmy Fallon

"While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, 'Burrito?' And Romney was like, 'Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tonight is the first presidential debate of 2012. Tonight was also one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, 'Honey, turn on C-SPAN.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2012


Late Night From 10/04
Part 1

"The president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night's debate. Even Gay Busey was like, 'Dude, you've got to focus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, 'This guy's a disaster!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The only thing that could have salvaged the president's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Debate Moderator"

10. Fire starter's pistol to begin debate; is whisked away by security service
9. Opens event by saying, "Everyone knows elections are a sham"
8. Pronounces the name 'Rombley'
7. Moderates debate via speakerphone; greets candidates with "Hello, Angels"
6. Keeps asking Mitt if he'd like to concede
5. Barely stops clipping his fingernails to ask a question
4. Performs Sade song parody, "Smooth Moderator"
3. Every question is about canker sores
2. He's flanked by his "goddesses"
1. Refers to candidates as 'the Mormon' and 'the Kenyan'

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