Jokes of the day

2376 - 2400

Tuesday, Aug 28, 2012

#2376

Late Night From 08/17
Part 2

"Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me.'" –Bill Maher

"This ticket is supposed to be so anti-government and pro-business. Paul Ryan has been in government his whole life, practically from kindergarten. You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around." –Bill Maher

"It's only been six days that they've been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror." –Bill Maher

"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It's like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher

"There are these groups now called 'Dark Money groups.' Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don't have to reveal where the money is coming from -- no identity. It's the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks." –Bill Maher

Wed., Aug 29, 2012

#2377

Late Night From 08/21
Part 1

"Welcome to "The Tonight Show" — or as Comcast calls us, "The Expendables." As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized "The Tonight Show." We've consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we've been taken over by Bain Capital." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study...will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." –Jon Stewart

Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses (for skinny-dipping naked in the Sea of Galilee)

10. "What's the big deal, I was naked the whole trip"
9. "It was spring break; chill out"
8. "People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity"
7. "In my defense, I had been drinking heavily"
6. "Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney's taxes"
5. "It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing"
4. "It's Obama's fault"
3. "Putting the 'junk' in 'congressional junket'"
2. "I can't swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?"
1. "That's how we party in Kansas"

Thursday, Aug 30, 2012

#2378

Late Night From 08/21
Part 2

"It's National Senior Citizen's Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen's Week — the Republican Convention in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hurricane could threaten next week's Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Senior Citizens Day was made official by President Reagan in 1988 to recognize the contributions the elderly do for this country. It's a special holiday to remind them they are indeed old." –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 20, 2012

"Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he's saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman

"On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money." –David Letterman

"You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, 'What? Isn't that what got Clinton in trouble?'" –David Letterman

"Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Aug 31, 2012

#2379

Late Night From 08/21
Part 3

"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno

"Fellow Republicans are calling for Todd Akin to step down. But Democrats are going 'Stay in! Don't be a quitter. Hang in there.'" –Jay Leno

"Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who that so little about a woman's body doesn't know when it's time to pull out." –Jay Leno

"At a campaign stop in Ohio, a group of senior citizens greeted Republican Vice President nominee Paul Ryan and yelled 'Good luck!' It's good to see the cast of 'The Expendables 2' is everywhere this week." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century." –David Letterman

"Mitt looks like a guy who would be the closer at Beverly Hills Mercedes." –David Letterman

"And Mitt's running mate Paul Ryan — who has dropped out of nowhere and has energized the Republican ticket — he looks like the guy you see on packages of underwear." –David Letterman

"Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman

Saturday, Sep 01, 2012

#2380

Late Night From 08/22

"President Obama met with the White House Press corps for only the second time this year...It was only twenty minutes long. Makes you miss President Bush. He would spend twenty minutes answering the first question." –Jay Leno

"At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, 'I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.' To which President Obama said, 'Deal!'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year's Democratic National Convention will be women. But it's going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won't tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't have time to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We found out early that Kelly Ripa, after five years of searching for a new co-host to replace Regis Philbin, has finally found the guy that's going to take his job, the man who's going to fill his shoes – New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan. They were going to announce it at the Republican convention but we found out." –David Letterman

"Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman

"Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he's in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today." –David Letterman

"Akin apologized on Rachel Ray's show and then they made veal mea culpa." –David Letterman

"Nude photos popped up on the Internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I'd be disappointed if my prince wasn't having naked parties in Vegas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"What's the point of being a prince if you can't round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe those poor girls lost their clothes in an accident and the prince graciously gave them his. It's called chivalry. Look it up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I just think it's refreshing to see a famous redhead drunk and stripping that isn't Lindsay Lohan for a change." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Sep 02, 2012

#2381

Late Night From 08/24
Part 1

"It's now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama." –Jay Leno

"Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to develop into a hurricane in the next few days. Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention starts in Florida on Monday. The National Weather Service says the storm could reach category 5, which is strong enough to move Mitt Romney's part to the other side of his head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. The president is hoping it's a way to engage grass-roots supporters to give money. A friend of mine tried to donate money and ended up voting for Sanjaya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's supporters can now text the word 'GIVE' to donate up to $50 dollars to his campaign, although it's frustrating when autocorrect keeps changing it to 'Fix the economy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Sep 03, 2012

#2382

Late Night From 08/24
Part 2

"Todd Akin is running for Senate in Missouri and he said if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting the whole thing down. And then he made it worse by saying the medical term for this is Pussy Riot." –Bill Maher

"But wait. The female body has ways of shutting this down? Not only is it absurd but it is the worst super power ever." –Bill Maher

"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher

"I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good." –Bill Maher

"As much as the Republican establishment wants to denounce Akin and to make him quit, there's very little difference between what he says and what is in his platform. Their platform says no abortion, no exceptions – not for rape, not for incest, not even for Snooki." –Bill Maher

Late Night From 08/23

"Beginning Monday is the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Do you know what the theme is this year? Room Service and Hookers." –David Letterman

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

"You know who else is going to be at Tampa for the Republican Convention? Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey. On his way down there the last they heard from him he was on I-95 at the truck scales." –David Letterman

"Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month." –David Letterman

"They're now worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week's Republican convention. But Florida is ready for it. Thanks to President Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney's or Paul Ryan's head will move. They have guaranteed that." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Sep 04, 2012

#2383

Late Night From 08/24
Part 3

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African Americans. Here’s the sad part: That’s up 5 percent from last week." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard... There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

"They’re all going down to Tampa where an Evangelical party is going to nominate a Mormon and a Catholic and then get wiped out by a hurricane…leaving Florida to the Jews as God intended." –Bill Maher

"Everyone is making contingency plans. Paul Ryan went to Florida early, Mitt battened down his hair, and Newt Gingrich says he likes hurricanes and said he looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster." –Bill Maher

"Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, hwere he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

"There was an awkward moment for Mitt Romney today. He was practicing his speech and he took a pregnant pause and they made him carry it to term." –Bill Maher

Wed., Sep 05, 2012

#2384

Late Night From 08/27
Part 1

"Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, 'I never even met the woman.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can't bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism." –Jay Leno

"Last week President Obama met with the White House press corps for only the second time this year. He said he would have met with them more, but he's been so busy campaigning, he didn't have time to write their questions." –Jay Leno

"President Obama brews his own beer in the White House. In honor of Joe Biden, they put it in a special big mouth bottle." –Jay Leno

"This is my favorite statistic so far. According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African American voters. And I don't think the GOP slogan at convention is helping any: 'See what white can do for you.'" –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow the Mars rover is going to premier the new Black Eyed Peas song by beaming it back to Earth. In other words, the rover has turned against us. The machines have risen." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Sep 06, 2012

#2385

Late Night From 08/27
Part 2

"The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. This is serious stuff. CNN is on full Blitzer." –David Letterman

"The winds in Tampa are so strong today, they blew the dog off the top of Romney's car." –David Letterman

"This year the theme of the Republican convention is '50 Shades of White.'" –David Letterman

"NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It's called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it's worth less than half that." –David Letterman

"They test drove the Curiosity over the weekend and it was digging a hole. It got bigger and bigger, digging a huge deep hole. It's like Todd Akin." –David Letterman

"It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. See, I think the Republicans should use these 60-mile an-hour winds to their advantage. Mitt Romney should walk about there and go, here are my tax returns for the last 10 years....Oh my gosh, what happened?'" –Jay Leno

"This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac — like today Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal." –Jay Leno

Friday, Sep 07, 2012

#2386

Late Night From 08/28
Part 1

"Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of the slammer more times than you would care to count. Now she is a person of interest in a jewel heist. She's already picking out her inappropriate outfit for her next court date." –David Letterman

"A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new website that allows you to support Prince Harry by posting a naked photo of yourself. The website's called 'Extremely Gullible Girls Gone Wild.'" –Conan O'Brien

"An all-female rock band from Russia, in a Moscow cathedral, played a protest song about Vladimir Putin's ties to the church. Putin's henchmen tracked them down and threw them in prison. They were charged with hooliganism. Is that a crime? That's like being charged with tomfoolery. Or shenanigans." –Craig Ferguson

"If you don't agree with Putin, you get sent to a gulag. Maybe they should've sung it ironically, sung about the fact that Putin got elected with 140 percent of the vote." –Craig Ferguson

"Some Russians are claiming that Putin's election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Sep 08, 2012

#2387

Late Night From 08/28
Part 2

"Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll released last week, Mitt Romney has zero percent of the black vote. In fact, if it weren't for John Boehner, Romney wouldn't have any support from people of color at all." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish." –Jay Leno

"The theme of the Republican Convention is 'A Better Future.' Chris Christie will be the keynote speaker, and the theme of his speech will be similar. His theme will be 'A Butter Future.'"–David Letterman

"Chris Christie will be delivering a 45-minute speech. Usually When Chris Christie talks for 45 minutes, it’s into the clown face at Jack In The Box’ –David Letterman

"Are you keeping your eye on Hurricane Isaac and the Republican convention? Something good could come out of this hurricane. It may once and for all put an end to political conventions." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney, does he look familiar to you? He looks like the guy who used to host 'Tic-Tac-Dough.'" –David Letterman

"According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity." –David Letterman

Sunday, Sep 09, 2012

#2388

Late Night From 08/29

"Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them." –Jay Leno

"The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid." –Jay Leno

"I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

"Here's what's great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama." –David Letterman

"John McCain was at the convention. He just wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was on stage for 16 minutes before he says Romney's name. He's on the stage for 30 seconds and he mentions Breyer's ice cream." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie's message was Romney will be the guy to tells America the hard truth. Romney is that guy. And I thought, well, wait a minute, Chris, I've got a hard truth for you. How about hopping on the treadmill?" –David Letterman

"The Republican National Convention is in full swing in Tampa. Speeches are being made. Hats flown in the air. Everyone gets their own hippie to slap around." –Craig Ferguson

"Working out has given Paul Ryan phenomenal abs. His abs are so in demand that TMZ is offering a bounty for anyone who can get an in-focus shot." –Craig Ferguson

"You can think outside the box and pick someone who'll excite people like Sarah Palin or you can play it safe with an honest down-home family man like John Edwards." –Craig Ferguson

"I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Sep 10, 2012

#2389

Late Night From 08/30
Part 1

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called 'Who Cares, He's Dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Are you excited about Labor Day weekend? That's a holiday where Americans take three days off from looking for a job." –David Letterman

"Have you folks been enjoying the Republican convention? Ann Romney was great. She said it's all about love. Then Chris Christie followed up by saying, 'It's not about love, it's about respect.' Will you people get on the same page? Which is it? Is it love or respect?" –David Letterman

"At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?" –Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, Sep 11, 2012

#2390

Late Night From 08/30
Part 2

"Paul Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope." –Stephen Colbert

"Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter." –Jay Leno

"This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald's employees. He said, 'Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'" –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the last night, the final night of the Republican convention. Tonight is the swimsuit competition." –Conan O'Brien

Wed., Sep 12, 2012

#2391

Late Night From 08/31
Part 1

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney on his purchase of the Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno

"After the whole the Eastwood debacle last night, I'll bet the Democrats are thankful their party doesn’t' have any cozy relationship with holiday celebrities like the Republicans." –Jay Leno

"After watching Clint Eastwood last night, be honest, Sarah Palin is not looking to bad now, is she?" –Jay Leno

"A young couple got engaged on the floor of the Republican Convention. Thankfully for the Republicans it was a man and a woman." –Jay Leno

"Last night at the convention, the scheduled appearance of three-dimensional Ronald Reagan hologram was canceled at the last minute. Of course they canceled the 3d hologram. They didn’t want to upstage Mitt Romney. He's only one dimensional." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina." –Jay Leno

"I always like how the politicians show how that they're just regular guys. Like Obama says he likes to have a beer with people. And Romney said, when it comes to shopping, he chooses Costco. In fact, last week, he bought three of them." –Jay Leno

"Excited for Labor Day? It's the weekend Americans take three days off from looking for a job." –David Letterman

Thursday, Sep 13, 2012

#2392

Late Night From 08/31
Part 2

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

“How can we trust Republicans with the future, when, as far as I can tell from Tampa, the world ended the year Reagan left office? Like, in 1988, we just all fell into a deep sleep listening to ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me,' and when we woke up Monday morning, Obama and his negro army had wrecked the joint." –Bill Maher

"This is where Clint Eastwood has done a huge favor to us all. Because the Republican Party's irrationality, that they've worked so hard at the convention trying to conceal, was unleashed in a 12-minute improvised avant-garde performance of One Angry Men. Eastwood finally revealed the cognitive dissonance that is the beating heart and soul and fiction of this party! He's so far gone, they're hammering Obama for things Bush did, and Romney is!" –Jon Stewart

"I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see." –Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood's "invisible Obama" speech at the Republican convention

"The Republican Convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being over shadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, Sep 14, 2012

#2393

Late Night From 08/31
Part 3

"First the good news: Louisiana, knee-deep in water, but this time, the levees held from the big hurricane. That’s good. However, Tampa, Florida this week nearly drowned in bulls**t." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan made a speech the other night, even a columnist for Fox News said it set a world record for the greatest number of lies in a single speech. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Game on.'" –Bill Maher

"Fox News's coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' That's not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t' exist." –Bill Maher

"Didn't you love that part where Clint pretended that he was talking to an invisible Obama? And this Obama was not a nice guy. This Obama was telling Romney to go f**k himself. Isn't that something? Even people who don’t' exist hate Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Mitt had to follow that. He's a little stiff. He makes Al Gore look like James Brown at the Apollo. And for five minutes the crowd was chanting, 'Bring back the chair!'" –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

Saturday, Sep 15, 2012

#2394

Late Night From 09/04
Part 1

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it’s OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"But Paul, my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet .... check yourself before you wreck yourself." –Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Sep 16, 2012

#2395

Late Night From 09/04
Part 2

"The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, 'Are you better off now than you were four years ago?' Americans said 'No, we're worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Outside it's like 82 and cloudy – like Clint Eastwood." –David Letterman

"Did you have a nice Labor Day? It's the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China." –David Letterman

"President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer." –David Letterman

"I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy. –David Letterman

"Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention." –David Letterman

"On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Sep 17, 2012

#2396

Late Night From 09/04
Part 3

"The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was 'Hope and change.' This year the theme is 'Hope you don’t make a change.'" –Jay Leno

"The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks." –Jay Leno

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money." –Jay Leno

"I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we're actually going to let him speak." –Jay Leno

"That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood." –Jay Leno

"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead 'to a thousand years of darkness.' Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Sep 18, 2012

#2397

Late Night From 09/05
Part 1

"Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter." –Conan O'Brien

"In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationship. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien

"A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight."-Jimmy Kimmel

"First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Sep 19, 2012

#2398

Late Night From 09/05
Part 2

"The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers." –David Letterman

"Did you watch the speech by Michelle Obama at the Convention Tuesday night? It was powerful, it was exhilarating, it was thrilling, it was motivating. At the end of the speech I thought to, 'Whoa, she can do much better than him.'" –David Letterman

"Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt." –David Letterman

"If Mitt Romney looks familiar it's because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland." –David Letterman

"Mitt looks like every model in the Sky Mall catalogue." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well. I tell you, sometimes these jokes just write themselves." –David Letterman

"At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Democrats added the word 'God' to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, 'Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!'" –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Sep 20, 2012

#2399

Late Night From 09/05
Part 3

"It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow." –Jay Leno

"The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live." –Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it." –Jay Leno

"They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats." –Jay Leno

"Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

Friday, Sep 21, 2012

#2400

Late Night From 09/06
Part 1

"Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney's tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. 'I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'" –Jay Leno

"The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off." –Jay Leno

"Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"You know who's a big supporter of President Obama? Scarlett Johansson. I think I'll wait until I hear what Katherine Heigl has to say." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake." –David Letterman

"Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton's speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from 'Freebird.'" –Craig Ferguson

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