Jokes of the day

2351 - 2375

Friday, Aug 03, 2012

#2351

Late Night From 07/23
Part 2

"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno

"The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term." –Jay Leno

"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno

"The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go." –Conan O'Brien

"It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 04, 2012

#2352

Late Night From 07/24

"A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play ACDC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is in London. They said get your campaign plane, get your family, you don't know anything about foreign policy, strap your dog to the roof of the plane. He arrived in England, got off the plane, and proudly proclaimed 'Ich bin ein Londoner.' … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money." –David Letterman

"There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Aug 05, 2012

#2353

Late Night From 07/25

"The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can't run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful." –Jay Leno

"The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie." –Jay Leno

"To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole." –Jay Leno

Monday, Aug 06, 2012

#2354

Late Night From 07/26

"I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he'll just think about pancakes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential." –Jay Leno

"In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family." –Jay Leno

"The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!" –Jay Leno

"This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas." –David Letterman

Tuesday, Aug 07, 2012

#2355

Late Night From 07/27

"The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider." –Jay Leno, on the opening ceremony for the London Olympics

"The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that's not a proposal, that's harassment." –Jay Leno

"The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah." –Jimmy Fallon

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney's trip to London." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Aug 08, 2012

#2356

Late Night From 07/30

"The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'" –Conan O'Brien

"An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours." –Craig Ferguson

"Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut." –Craig Ferguson

"The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake." –Craig Ferguson

"Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Aug 09, 2012

#2357

Late Night From 07/31
Part 1

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one's Tom Green." –Craig Ferguson

"A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Aug 10, 2012

#2358

Late Night From 07/31
Part 2

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 11, 2012

#2359

Late Night From 08/01
Part 1

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic." –Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn't it be the best drought in 56 years?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Aug 12, 2012

#2360

Late Night From 08/01
Part 2

"Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words 'I don't know if that's true,' then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates." –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years

"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert

"Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!" –Stephen Colbert

"That's right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don't forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it's now whore o'clock on the first day of Skankjuary." –Stephen Colbert

"Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

Monday, Aug 13, 2012

#2361

Late Night From 08/02

"Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender." –Craig Ferguson

"I would like to congratulate the team at NASA's jet propulsion lab. You deserve every missed high five of your celebration." –Stephen Colbert

"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy

Tuesday, Aug 14, 2012

#2362

Late Night From 08/03

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien

"An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week is international clown week. That's something more terrifying than sharks. There's a lot of famous clowns. Bozo the Clown, Krusty the Clown, Joe Biden. There's three right there." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Aug 15, 2012

#2363

Late Night From 08/06

"Mitt Romney is claiming he's going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn't said yet if he'll create them in China or India." –Conan O'Brien

"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien

"Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Aug 16, 2012

#2364

Late Night From 08/07

"Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children." –Conan O'Brien

"I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Aug 17, 2012

#2365

Late Night From 08/08

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?" –Conan O'Brien

"It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 18, 2012

#2366

Late Night From 08/13
Part 1

"Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan, like Mitt Romney, and like President Obama and like Joe Biden, is a good family man. We have four good family men in this presidential race. See, what about me? I don't need family men, I have a monologue. I need more Herman Cains, I need John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan's plan is to cut government spending with his razor-sharp widow's peak…You could open a can of beans with that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"His eyes are just so blue. It's like looking into a Smurf's anus." –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan

David Letterman's Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Paul Ryan

10. He's only the 32nd white guy to become Republican vice presidential nominee.
9. Was runner-up on Season 3 of "The Bachelorette."
8. Always shampoos once, conditions twice.
7. Got his start in Congress as John Boehner's tanning boy.
6. Claims to be "a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets."
5. Like the rest of America, wonders what Romney is hiding in his tax returns.
4. Has a good feeling about this Jennifer Aniston marriage working out.
3. Eats nothing but plants, berries and small turtles.
2. Even before working at Oscar Meyer, had reputation for "driving the wienermobile."
1. Born in Kenya.

Sunday, Aug 19, 2012

#2367

Late Night From 08/13
Part 2

"After Romney's horse finished 18th it refused to release its tax records." –David Letterman

"How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed." – David Letterman

"On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future "Dancing With the Stars" contestants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

Monday, Aug 20, 2012

#2368

Late Night From 08/13
Part 3

"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts." –Jimmy Fallon

"How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney." – David Letterman

"I like the looks of this Paul Ryan, the representative from Wisconsin. He reminds me of who your sister would date in college. He looks like one of those guys who pretends to be a doctor on an infomercial. He reminds me of the guy at Olive Garden who comes over to see how everything was." –David Letterman

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

Tuesday, Aug 21, 2012

#2369

Late Night From 08/14
Part 1

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney's vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, 'Didn't you just get a new job?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea could test a nuclear missile in two weeks. North Korea says this launch will go much better than previous ones because they got twice as much Diet Coke and Mentos." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything." –Bill Maher

Wed., Aug 22, 2012

#2370

Late Night From 08/14
Part 2

"Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about the Wisconsin Congressman. Apparently, he's a huge Green Bay Packers fan. See, that shows you how far the Republicans have progressed - this time, their VP is a cheesehead. Remember, last time it was an airhead. That was totally different." –Jay Leno

Ever since it was announced Sarah Palin will not be speaking at the Republican Convention, the Romney campaign has been flooded with thousands of texts and emails demanding that she be allowed to speak... all from President Obama." –Jay Leno

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he's drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists." –David Letterman

Thursday, Aug 23, 2012

#2371

Late Night From 08/15
Part 1

"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

"The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer and President Obama drinks it when out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It's a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don't like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Aug 24, 2012

#2372

Late Night From 08/15
Part 2

"Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, 'Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?'" –David Letterman

"Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he's fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden." –David Letterman

"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off." –Jay Leno

"President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why." –Jay Leno

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Aug 25, 2012

#2373

Late Night From 08/16
Part 1

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan likes to catch a catfish bare-handed. He'll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. Meanwhile, Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster." –David Letterman

"You all remember Donald Trump. He was the guy who thought President Obama was born in Kenya. Hey, I got a message for Donald Trump: 'Kenya' shut up?" –David Letterman

"When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we're not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That's how much we have been misled." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Aug 26, 2012

#2374

Late Night From 08/16
Part 2

"In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney wants to cut funding for PBS. That explains why today "Sesame Street" was brought to you by the letters 'O and "Bama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night's big Powerball lottery." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden has a new slogan — "Chains you can believe in.'" –Jay Leno

"Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama says he's sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he's thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are now campaigning separately. They didn't want to, but Chick-Fil-A threatened to pull their campaign contributions. Getting too lose. Kind of a bromance." –Jay Leno

Monday, Aug 27, 2012

#2375

Late Night From 08/17
Part 1

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you've never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there's nothing gay about it." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world." –Bill Maher

"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today he's working on a plan to release oil before November to lower gas prices. It will be released from our strategic election reserves." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that about one percent of the U.S. population is allergic to gluten, while the other 99 percent are sick of having to hear about it." –Jimmy Fallon

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