Jokes of the day

2326 - 2350

Monday, July 09, 2012

#2326

Late Night From 06/28

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno

"If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life." –Jay Leno

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they'd see there's no jobs and they'd go home." –Jay Leno

"It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court's healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face." –Jimmy Fallon

"For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama's healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, 'Thank God no one watches us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two." –Craig Ferguson

"Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN." –Craig Ferguson

"Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes." –Craig Ferguson

"A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, 'Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like an 'S.O.B.' Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a 'B.L.T.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool." –David Letterman

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

#2327

Late Night From 06/29
Part 1

"Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts." –Jay Leno

"The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance." –Jay Leno

"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. " –Jay Leno

"This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, 'Is this Hell?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., July 11, 2012

#2328

Late Night From 06/29
Part 2

"But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That's right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. (audience applause) I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one." –Bill Maher

"But I got one more idea. Yes, it's desperate, but Mitt, come on, you're not the most galvanizing candidate in history. And by that, I mean, you're the least galvanizing candidate in history. Scientists are testing your stump speech as a cure for sleep apnea. Remember that time you tried to kiss a baby, and it crawled back in the womb? ... Me, Mitt. Pick me! Pick me for your VP! I know it's out of the box, but look. We are complete opposites. Americans love that. It'll be like a buddy movie, where you're the uptight square, and I'm Chris Tucker. I could bring total balance to the ticket. You're against medical marijuana, I'm high right now! (audience applause) You wear magic underwear, I go commando. I hate kids, you have 47 over for Thanksgiving. You're a Mormon, I think Mormonism is a hysterical con invented by a swindler to get pussy! Me, Mitt, me! Let me help you move America forward into the past!" –Bill Maher

Thursday, July 12, 2012

#2329

Late Night From 06/29
Part 3

"Now, many Republicans of course want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt's second in command. And it's hard to look at him and not think, number two." –Bill Maher

"And then there's Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he's a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up." –Bill Maher

"Of course, there's always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting." –Bill Maher

"So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, 'I think the black guy's up to no good.' –Bill Maher

Friday, July 13, 2012

#2330

Late Night From 06/29
Part 4

"What was really so hard for the conservatives to swallow was that Justice John Roberts was the one that did this. Gotta give it up to Justice John Roberts, that was a very studly move he made. But boy, for the conservatives, he was their hero. This is like they threw a big surprise party for their dad and they found him in bed with a black guy." –Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

"They shouldn't be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien." –Bill Maher

"I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I'm a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war." –Bill Maher

"Now, right now, the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride of every wedding you've ever been to. But Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience, and honesty issues. Or what pundits call 'the full Palin.'" –Bill Maher

Saturday, July 14, 2012

#2331

Late Night From 06/29
Part 5

"I could not wait to start using my Obamacare. Today, I swallowed a fist full of birth control pills and then washed it down with poison. What do I care, it's free?" –Bill Maher

"The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the decision and said they're going to focus on working with the president. I'm joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, sh*t in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late." –Bill Maher

"The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney came out and said, 'It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.'" –Bill Maher

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said, 'Obama lies, freedom dies.' And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.' But freedom is dead." –Bill Maher

Sunday, July 15, 2012

#2332

Late Night From 07/09
Part 1

"Listen to this. Congratulations to Congressman Barney Frank. He became the first sitting Congressman to enter into a same sex marriage when he married his longtime boyfriend Jim Ready this past weekend. You know those Democrats, they love their mandates." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Dennis Kucinich also attended the wedding. He wasn't there as a guest. He was hired to stand on top of the cake." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet." –David Letterman

Monday, July 16, 2012

#2333

Late Night From 07/09
Part 2

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"The latest poll shows 56% of voters think President Obama has changed America - for the worse. At this point, there's only one thing that can keep Mitt Romney from beating him. Mitt Romney. " –Jay Leno

"According to Mitt Romney's wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

#2334

Late Night From 07/10
Part 1

"Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is telling Americans not to 'read too much' into Friday's bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at 'don't read too much.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., July 18, 2012

#2335

Late Night From 07/10
Part 2

"Researchers at the University of Minnesota now say that because of the recession, women are jumping into bed with guys faster. They say women are having sex with men after just one drink, all because of the recession. Finally, we are beginning to see the try benefits of the Obama economic plan. " –Jay Leno

"There's now a big controversy after a liberal group made a video saying Mitt Romney is too white for black people. Too white for black people? Mitt is too white for white people." –Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs" –Jay Leno

"The record-breaking heat wave hitting the rest of the country is now hitting Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip 'n' Slides." –Jay Leno

Thursday, July 19, 2012

#2336

Late Night From 07/11
Part 1

"Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, July 20, 2012

#2337

Late Night From 07/11
Part 2

"The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white." –Jay Leno

"At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were 'George Bush on steroids' – as opposed to Obama's policies, which are 'Jimmy Carter on Ambien.'" –Jay Leno

"In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America's own league is on a losing streak. Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again." –David Letterman

Saturday, July 21, 2012

#2338

Late Night From 07/12
Part 1

"Good news coming out of North Korea. You know they had Kim Jong Il and he passed away so his son Kim Jong Un is now the leader. He has a new girlfriend — Kim Jong Kardashi-un." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million, and reporters said, "Mitt, honestly, how did you get so rich?' And he said, 'Well, I've always been good with my money and I do smart things. I always make sure my tires are properly inflated. And I save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.'" –David Letterman

"Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment?" –David Letterman

"A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP." –David Letterman

"John Boehner, who is speaker of the House of Representatives, is super tan, he cries, and he drinks. He should be speaker of the 'Jersey Shore' house." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, July 22, 2012

#2339

Late Night From 07/12
Part 2

"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama's healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I'm not quite sure." –Jay Leno

"An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate. I think this could be the guy. Put the dogs on one car, the kids on the other... " –Jay Leno

"There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol" they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn't have much and Biden said, 'The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.' Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden's parents never really did do it?" –Jay Leno

Monday, July 23, 2012

#2340

Late Night From 07/13

"In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, 'Yeah, fixing the economy would've been cool too.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there's one word I'd think of to describe Trump, it's 'statesman-like.' And if there were four words, they would be 'not at all statesman-like.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno

"Happy Friday the 13th - and to prove he's not superstitious, Mitt Romney drove around with a black cat on the roof of his car." –Jay Leno

"Have you heard this? They're saying Condoleezza Rice is on the top of the vice presidential list for Mitt Romney. Many Republicans think they compliment each other: Romney has experience with American jobs, Condi has experience with foreign countries, and since all American jobs are in foreign countries, they would be the perfect team." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

#2341

Late Night From 07/16
Part 1

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn't been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it's all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." –Jay Leno

"Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That's what we're wearing. Does it get any more American than that? " –Jay Leno

"We have American athletes in uniforms made in China, wearing French berets. I don't know if we're supposed to compete, ask for a loan or surrender." –Jay Leno

"The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN." –Jay Leno

Wed., July 25, 2012

#2342

Late Night From 07/16
Part 2

"In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn't there." –Jon Stewart, mocking Mitt Romney's "retroactive retirement" from Bain Capital

"I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That's the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House." –Jon Stewart

"Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government's tax code largesse, that's a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine." –Jon Stewart

"On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida's voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, July 26, 2012

#2343

Late Night From 07/18
Part 1

"Sarah Palin hasn't yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention...I don't think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren't excited that Mitt Romney is going." –Jay Leno

"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno

"After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Barack Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating President Obama's downward spiraling approval ratings." –David Letterman

"Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets." –David Letterman

"You know anything about North Korea? The evil North Koreans? They have a new evil dictator. But the kid is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I mean a stunning, lovely girlfriend and they met through the North Korean dating service match.commie." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Cincinnati, President Barack Obama had a meeting with Jerry Springer. He is trying to win the vote of husbands who cheat on their wives with men. That's a big demographic." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign. So I'm guessing Steven Tyler." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, July 27, 2012

#2344

Late Night From 07/18
Part 2

"During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can makes jokes." –Jay Leno

"North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"We're learning more and more about this guy Kim Jong-Un. New vicious, evil dictator of North Korea. Quite a . . . Apparently quite a ladies' man. For a long time he was known as Kim Jong Clooney." –David Letterman

"Batman is a billionaire who doesn't trust the system to get the job done. He has a butler and an awesome car that gets like two miles to the gallon. He is the most republican superhero of all time! Batman is a republican." –Craig Ferguson

"The boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning opening gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don't want gay people tying knots." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

"During last night's USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That's cute. It explains why everyone was like, 'quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. Don't get too excited. Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, July 28, 2012

#2345

Late Night From 07/18
Part 3

"President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno

"Romney's surrogate, John Sununu, he's in hot water for saying that, 'I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American.' Well, that's kind of insulting, isn't it? Don't you think? President Obama spends money he doesn't have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?" –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels they can't help them until after the election. So at least they're consistent. That's the same thing they're telling us. 'Can't help you until after the election." –Jay Leno

"Every American athlete who wears the Chinese made uniforms will get a free bootleg copy of the new Batman movie." –Jay Leno

"In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, 'What is Mitt Romney hiding?' My guess: a personality." –Jay Leno

Sunday, July 29, 2012

#2346

Late Night From 07/19
Part 1

"How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco." –David Letterman

"A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the past five years, the value of the Canadian household has risen above the American household. I think most of that came from Justin Bieber and he belongs to us now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, July 30, 2012

#2347

Late Night From 07/19
Part 2

"A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason? They're all out looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery." –Jay Leno

"Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you're unsuccessful in this country, you didn't do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama." –Jay Leno

"The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

#2348

Late Night From 07/20
Part 1

"It's now being reported than Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"The Boy Scouts of America have announced they are upholding their ban on gay members. The Boy Scouts are so serious about this gay ban, that you're not allowed to pitch a tent if a girl is nearby." –Jay Leno

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Aug 01, 2012

#2349

Late Night From 07/20
Part 2

"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"The apartment President Obama used to live in when he was a college student is now up for rent. It's $2,400 a month, which is a bargain when you consider how much money Mitt Romney is spending to try and move into where Obama is living now." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Aug 02, 2012

#2350

Late Night From 07/23
Part 1

"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon

"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman

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