Jokes of the day

2301 - 2325

Thursday, June 14, 2012

#2301

Late Night From 06/05
Part 1

"According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?" –Jay Leno

"It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank." –Jay Leno

"Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota today. Both candidates for president — Obama and Romney — have already clinched their nominations. So today's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. Under 13. Yeah, when they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'" –Conan O'Brien

Friday, June 15, 2012

#2302

Late Night From 06/05
Part 2

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman

"Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years – or about the same time your 401(k) comes back." –Jay Leno

"The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?" –Jay Leno

"Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt." –Jay Leno

Saturday, June 16, 2012

#2303

Late Night From 06/05
Part 3

"Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense – Bon Jovi's living on a prayer, while Obama's campaigning on one." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana – which explains why stoners are like, 'It's a cop. Hide most of the weed.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, June 17, 2012

#2304

Late Night From 06/06
Part 1

"Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James?" –Jay Leno

"CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, 'an endangered species we have to protect.'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney"

10. Meet other attractive Mitts in your area
9. Newt here, regarding the VP job
8. Reminder: It's been over a month since you've purchased a Cadillac
7. Confirming your 2:30, 5:30, and 9 o'clock haircuts
6. 20% off at beach-house-car-elevators.com
5. Nice slacks, bro!
4. Your Marie Osmond tickets have shipped
2. If I vote for you, can I ride your dancing horse?
1. Warning: your hacked password is about to expire

Monday, June 18, 2012

#2305

Late Night From 06/06
Part 2

"It's being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a rumor that President Obama will stop by today's L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans." –Conan O'Brien

"I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed I was a union member is Wisconsin who loved the Miami Heat. It was a nightmare!" –Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

#2306

Late Night From 06/08
Part 1

"In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama's made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he's planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It'll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we've got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy's hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman

"Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich." –David Letterman

"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman

"There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president." –Jay Leno

"There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000." –Jay Leno

"DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, 'I told you.'" –Jay Leno

"Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists." –Conan O'Brien

Wed., June 20, 2012

#2307

Late Night From 06/08
Part 2

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn't' drink or heat, or a black guy who's skinny." –Bill Maher

"Obama had a big fundraiser for the gay and lesbian elite here in Hollywood. He was introduced by Ellen and did a really dirty joke. Michelle Obama had gone Ellen's show and had a push-up contest with Ellen and won it. The president said, 'Ellen claims Michelle didn't go all the way down.' Hey, who's the potty mouth here, Mr. President? You can take my million, but don't f**k with my act." –Bill Maher

"That's one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh." --Bill Maher, regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town

"The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It's so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, 'Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.' Which in Florida leaves only 12 people." –Bill Maher

"This weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn't ask Obama for a present — you know, because she's still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, 'Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'" –Jay Leno

"Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations." –Jay Leno

Thursday, June 21, 2012

#2308

Late Night From 06/12
Part 1

"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay." –David Letterman

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman

"You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch." –David Letterman

"It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor." –Conan O'Brien

"The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, 'Why didn't I think of that? I had a seizure.'" –Jay Leno

"Rand Paul...do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet... Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? "Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?" "I don't know; a little support might be nice!" –Jay Leno

"A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House." –Jay Leno

Friday, June 22, 2012

#2309

Late Night From 06/12
Part 2

"Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." –Jay Leno

"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno

"Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus." –David Letterman

"Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that Mitt Romney's economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney's plan wouldn't make any difference, Obama was like, 'Hey, that's MY thing!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama's approval rating just went down by three Kardashians." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, June 23, 2012

#2310

Late Night From 06/13
Part 1

"President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival." –Conan O'Brien

"Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom – with Lincoln." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show 'Dallas' with Larry Hagman. … The original "Dallas" series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I'm glad those dark days are over." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"

10. Powdered Snack Cylinders
9. Dessert Bagels
8. Leavened Batter Globules
7. Sugary Pastry Tires
6. Perforated Strudel Orbs
5. Saturated Fat Wheels
4. Dunking Muffins
3. Glazed Giddy-Ups
2. Chris Christie Kremes
1. The Cadillac of Pastries

Sunday, June 24, 2012

#2311

Late Night From 06/13
Part 2

"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for." –Jay Leno

"TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris Christie." –Jay Leno

"The commerce secretary, a guy named John Bryson - have you heard about this? He got cited for felony hit-and-run here in California, after he crashed into a car, got out, talked to the other driver, got back in his car, crashed into the other car again, drove away, and then crashed into another car. He's now taking a leave of absence. The good news? It's the first new job the White House has created all year. That's good news!" –Jay Leno

"China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?" –Jay Leno

Monday, June 25, 2012

#2312

Late Night From 06/14
Part 1

"Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?" –Jay Leno

"Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community." –Jay Leno

"Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he's available!" –Jay Leno

"Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated... So let's clarify – it's okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you're an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

#2313

Late Night From 06/14
Part 2

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself." –David Letterman

"There's talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marajuiana. Which explains why he's moving his family from the White House to White Castle." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., June 27, 2012

#2314

Late Night From 06/15
Part 1

"Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side." –Bill Maher

"Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama's speech, Romney's bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge." –Bill Maher

"This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, 'The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I'm trying to drive it out.' And Romney said, 'Look, a black guy's stealing our car!" –Bill Maher

"There's a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn't win, at least he'll have a way to mellow out later." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, June 28, 2012

#2315

Late Night From 06/15
Part 2

"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool." –Bill Maher

"Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment, and the Republicans of course say, 'This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'" –Bill Maher

"Obama went to Ground Zero. He went up in the new skyscraper being built in the shadow of the World Trade Center, and he inscribed one of the steel beams. He wrote, 'We remember, we rebuild, we come back stronger.' Which was very poignant, especially since Bush had written on it, 'We got hit, I sat in a chair, I peed my pants.' And he misspelled chair." –Bill Maher

"Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour...he's on a bus through the Midwest called 'Believe in America' because 'Mormon Thunder' was taken." –Bill Maher

Friday, June 29, 2012

#2316

Late Night From 06/18
Part 1

"Actually, Obama's staff is a little concerned. They're concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.' There's no word on how Obama responded." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, June 30, 2012

#2317

Late Night From 06/18
Part 2

"President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father's Day. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody's parade – Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's scorecard." –David Letterman

"President Obama spent about four hours on Father's Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He's played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years." –Jay Leno

Sunday, July 01, 2012

#2318

Late Night From 06/19

"Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney's picking up a head of steam. He's roaring and ready to go. He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires." –David Letterman

"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin's new show premiered on the Lifetime network. It's funny how many of Lifetime's shows are targeted to people who have no lives at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called 'Fast and Furious.' I don't know what's scarier: that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, July 02, 2012

#2319

Late Night From 06/20

"There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school." –Jay Leno

"In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?" –Jay Leno

"With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That's kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts." –Jay Leno

"How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You'd be perfect. Just be yourself." –Jay Leno

"According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn't get attached to him. He lied about that. That's got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards; lying to your wife that you're not seeing another woman, while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don't try this; John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him." –Jay Leno

"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

#2320

Late Night From 06/22
Part 1

"There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today. Or as people at work put it "Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook.'" –Jimmy Falolon

"It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs." –Jay Leno

"According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat" –Jay Leno.

"A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Summer Blockbuster Films About Presidents"

10. Jurassic Polk
9. Franklin Delano Robocop
8. Harding and Kumar Go to White Castle
7. The Trumanator
6. Prometheus S. Grant
5. How Bubba Got His Groove Back
4. Herbert Hoover: Fully Loaded
3. Buchanan vs. Predator
2. James Monroe: Male Gigolo
1. Dude, Where's My Birth Certificate?

Wed., July 04, 2012

#2321

Late Night From 06/21
Part 2

"Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like 'Wheel of Fortune' is about to get a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, 'The View' is now a radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend begins Gay Pride Week. Their big parade begins on 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe closet." –David Letterman

"A new report found that President Obama's campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, 'I'm Barack Obama and I'm selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, July 05, 2012

#2322

Late Night From 06/22

"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing 'The Robot' – or as Romney calls that, 'The Me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney's weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie's invitation got 'lost in the mail.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, 'Fifty Shades of Change.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, 'The student has become the master.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court"

10. For summer promotional campaign, it's been renamed the Taco Bell Big Beef Supreme Court
9. Public courtroom seating has a two-drink minimum
8. Under rare circumstances, decision is handed down based on applause
7. Court mascot "Supreme Kurt" is available for parties and corporate events
6. Prior to oral arguments, the justices spend 15 minutes discussing "Hot Topics"
5. Court basement features an indoor gavel range
4. Thanks to grass-roots Internet campaign, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will host "Saturday Night Live"
3. For the last two weeks, Chief Justice John Roberts has been out on jury duty
2. Fridays are "robe optional"
1. Antonin Scalia: Vampire Hunter

Friday, July 06, 2012

#2323

Late Night From 06/25

"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman

"Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he's not much of a president. They're also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter." –David Letterman

"Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?" –Craig Ferguson

"I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it's California. In Hollywood, we're going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it." –Craig Ferguson

"A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping." –Jay Leno

"The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. To which attorney general Eric Holder said, 'Why didn't I think of that?'" –Jay Leno

Saturday, July 07, 2012

#2324

Late Night From 06/27
Part 1

"The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney's running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, 'a person of color.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free." –Jay Leno

"There's this new movie out called "Machete" and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? Don't you see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy?" –Jay Leno

"Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They're all terrorists, but they agree with Carter." –Jay Leno

"Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That's scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can't work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?" –Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the 'Today' show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional." –David Letterman

Sunday, July 08, 2012

#2325

Late Night From 06/27
Part 2

"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno

"While talking about the economy, Joe Biden said it's a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word 'depression' to describe the economy. I don't know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe Biden sounds like he'd be perfect." –Jay Leno

"A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that a record number of America's wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, 'But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

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