Jokes of the day

2276 - 2300

Sunday, May 20, 2012

#2276

Late Night From 05/02

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — 'Forward' — that's the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn't improve by November, it'll be 'Forward my mail.'" –Jay Leno

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It's true. That's a real insult to our founding fathers—Denzel Washington and George Jefferson." –Jimmy

"Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he 'made up' a girlfriend in his autobiography. It's a good thing Oprah's off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans"

10. Up
9. Down
8. Sideways
7. Neutral
6. Futile
5. Backward
4. Feckless
3. Lame
2. Rejected
1. Erect

Monday, May 21, 2012

#2277

Late Night From 05/03

"Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big 'Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?' tour." –Jay Leno

"The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, 'Who's knocking on my door at this hour?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It's all the same." –Jay Leno

"A new biography about the president states that he took 'artistic liberties' in his memoir and says that he 'fictionalized details for narrative clarity.' That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He's a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don't quit." –Craig Ferguson

"It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama's limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has promised now that we'll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That's just right around the corner. That's the same deal I have with CBS." –David Letterman

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

#2278

Late Night From 05/04
Part 1

"The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News 'lacks neutrality.' I'm not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills." –David Letterman

"Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide." –David Letterman

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' ... And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already." –Jay Leno

"We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden's compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty." –Jay Leno

"In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor." –Jay Leno

"More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., May 23, 2012

#2279

Late Night From 05/04
Part 2

"The other big news, Obama's big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms and lube." –Bill Maher

"Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we're winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we're not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech." –Bill Maher

"And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?" –Bill Maher

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there's a difference between Newt's campaign and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

"Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney." –Bill Maher

"President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, 'Forward.' Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama." –Seth Meyers

"According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide." –Seth Meyers

Thursday, May 24, 2012

#2280

Late Night From 05/07

"France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, 'I hope I won't have to change my address.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom 'Will & Grace' made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss." –Craig Ferguson

"The French president got voted out. So 'adieu' to Nicolas Sarkozy. He's riding his 'bicyclette' off into the sunset." –Craig Ferguson

"After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation's economy. Or as Obama put it, 'Uh-oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be 'inconceivable' for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, 'Yep.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More details about the Secret Service scandal. The 'Today' show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, May 25, 2012

#2281

Late Night From 05/08

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum's delegates and all of his sweater vests." –David Letterman

"They're looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt." –David Letterman

"I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents." –Jay Leno

"That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here's an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around." –Jay Leno

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a 'Jersey Shore' special." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today happens to have been National Teacher Day... National Teacher Day has been around since 1953, and it seems like a nice gesture, until you realize that there's also a National Donut Day, which gets more attention." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, May 26, 2012

#2282

Late Night From 05/09
Part 1

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman

"Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" –David Letterman

"Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn't all positive though. He also said the show 'Glee' has jumped the shark." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married." –Craig Ferguson

"Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, 'Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon." –Stephen Colbert

"Suck it gays! By which I mean, do not." –Stephen Colbert

Sunday, May 27, 2012

#2283

Late Night From 05/09
Part 2

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let 'Dawson's Creek' shoot there for years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for." –Jay Leno

"In fact, he changed his campaign slogan from 'forward' to fabulous." –Jay Leno

"The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

"This week President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn't increase Obama's street cred, nothing will." –Conan O'Brien

"It's come down to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. And Mitt Romney is fighting this image that he has no personality, and the reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality." –David Letterman

Monday, May 28, 2012

#2284

Late Night From 05/10

"President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved. Then today he flew to George Clooney's house. So things are evolving a lot faster than we expected." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical." –David Letterman

"My question with the same-sex couples is: Who drives, who nags? Who says let's order dessert and who says I'll just have a bite?" –David Letterman

"Can you be in a heterosexual marriage and also have a gay marriage? Can you have one of each?" –David Letterman

"President Obama's in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says 'man of the people' like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken." –Craig Ferguson

"The guests included Leonardo DiCaprio and Barbra Streisand. It must have been awkward though. Everybody in Hollywood thinks they're the world's most important person. So it must be kind of weird when in walks the world's actual most important person." –Craig Ferguson

"Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know." –Craig Ferguson

"After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"Today Newt Gingrich didn't agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

#2285

Late Night From 05/11
Part 1

"This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, 'It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.' OK buddy, we get it, you're not a Muslim." –Seth Meyers

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. I had a hunch that the President was in town because on my way to work last night on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a Secret Service agent arguing with a hooker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney's house or Promises rehab center in Malibu." –Jay Leno

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair." –Jay Leno

"North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?" –David Letterman

Wed., May 30, 2012

#2286

Late Night From 05/11
Part 2

"President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution." –Bill Maher

"Bristol Palin accused Obama of pandering to teenagers who watch one too many episodes of 'Glee.' Says the girl who got knocked up after watching one too many episodes of 'Teen Mom.'" –Bill Maher

"Antediluvian bigot Billy Graham took out full-page ads supporting (the gay marriage ban) in 14 North Carolina newspapers. I was shocked. North Carolina has 14 newspapers?" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I'm a strict conservative on the subject." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher

"I don't know what it's like at your salon, but at mine, isn't the guy cutting the hair the gay one?" –Bill Maher

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first. It should win a reverse Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a shitty book called 'Scum: How Liberals Something, Something, Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus.'" –Bill Maher

Thursday, May 31, 2012

#2287

Late Night From 05/14

"There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney's house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check... the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, 'I believe that belongs to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney's starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and here what Angela Lansbury has to say." –David Letterman

"JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants." –David Letterman

"Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place." –David Letterman

"President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? – that he doesn't know what to say in a commencement speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden's handicap is 20, while Obama's handicap . . . is Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time." -Jimmy Fallon

Friday, June 01, 2012

#2288

Late Night From 05/15

"Earlier today President Obama went on 'The View.' He went on 'The View' because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around." –Conan O'Brien

"The new Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with a headline, "The First Gay President." Apparently, the new Newsweek editor is a 3rd grade bully." –Conan O'Brien

"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support." –Jimmy Fallon

"The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan." –Jay Leno

"The new issue of Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with the caption 'The First Gay President.' ... Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek? Really?" –Jay Leno

"Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It's not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?" –David Letterman

Saturday, June 02, 2012

#2289

Late Night From 05/16

"A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick 'an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.' When he heard that, Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, I've already got a gig.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair " –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you're a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, 'Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!'" –David Letterman

"Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama's new slogan, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I loved '50 Shades of Grey.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy." –Jay Leno

"The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called 'Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!" –Jay Leno

Sunday, June 03, 2012

#2290

Late Night From 05/17

"Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn't know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It's the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace." –Conan O'Brien

"If you didn't for any reason laugh at the Cher biodome joke, it's probably for two reasons. One, it's not that funny. And two, if you're a younger viewer, you have no idea who Cher is." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on earth, which is where we live. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was still governor. He would know what to do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don't know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece." –Jay Leno

Monday, June 04, 2012

#2291

Late Night From 05/18
Part 1

"President Obama was on 'The View.' An awkward moment back stage when Elizabeth Hasselback shot him in self-defense." –Bill Maher

"For the first time in our history, more minority children were born in America than white children. And today the Octomom said, 'I'm on it.'" –Bill Maher

"If I were a Republican I would be a little leery about bringing up Reverend Wright because some shocking information came in today about Romney's pastor…he's Mormon. Really weird stuff." –Bill Maher

"Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump." –Bill Maher

"When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

"They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

‎"Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school." -Bill Maher

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

#2292

Late Night From 05/18
Part 2

"On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket." –Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can't buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you're running for president, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery." –Jay Leno

"Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on 'Jeopardy' the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see this? A spokesperson for President Obama's campaign says that a new Republican attack ad is quote 'B.S.' Then Biden was like, 'Ugh...I hate when you spell words so I can't understand you.." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney's psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it's the only place where someone changes positions more than he does." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money." –David Letterman

"I know why you're happy. Facebook went public and you're all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat." –Bill Maher

Wed., June 06, 2012

#2293

Late Night From 05/21

"Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash." –Craig Ferguson

"Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever." –Craig Ferguson

"That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he's now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought. His wife's a lovely woman. He stole her from the Winklevoss twins." –David Letterman

"Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece." –David Letterman

"Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents." –Jay Leno

"Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs." –Jay Leno

Thursday, June 07, 2012

#2294

Late Night From 05/22

"While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level." –Jay Leno

"Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It's called Botox Avenue." –Jay Leno

"Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being 'still a billionaire.' –Conan O'Brien

"Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000." –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions." –David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore, the tubby vice president? He has a new girlfriend – that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in the commercial that buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas with the big bow on it." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 08, 2012

#2295

Late Night From 05/23

"There has been another new development in the Secret Service prostitution scandal... (Some agents) say this kind of thing is so common that internally they refer to it as the Secret Circus. Which explains why they were trying to pay the hookers peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, members of the Secret Service told the Senate that there's an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. Not to be confused with that WRITTEN rule – that they shouldn't have sex with prostitutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'the Juan percent.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook's weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look – MySpace." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the past few months there's been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk." –Jay Leno

"Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who's trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he's desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it's Obama!" –Jay Leno

"Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon." –Jay Leno

"Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really" –Jay Leno

"Next month a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called 'Are you going to finish that?'" –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, June 09, 2012

#2296

Late Night From 05/24-25
Part 1

"Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why we miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke." –Jay Leno

"The Center for Responsive Politics reports that President Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn't lost it all in his economic plan?" –Jay Leno

"A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally." –Jay Leno

"New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, 'Nuh-uh!'" –Conan O'Brien

Sunday, June 10, 2012

#2297

Late Night From 05/24-25
Part 2

"Pollsters found out that when you ask people on a cell phone who they're supporting, overwhelmingly it's Obama. When you ask on a landline, Romney. By the way, Romney also has the support among voters who refer to the coffee pot as the percolator, and the clicker to change the channel." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma." –Bill Maher

"And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is trying to get the Latino vote ... He maintains he's always had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, as long as they don't wake him up with the leaf blower." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, counters "Birthers" by creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy

"Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?" –Bill Maher

Monday, June 11, 2012

#2298

Late Night From 05/24-25
Part 3

"This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterf**ks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"As George Bush once said, 'Our kids is not learning.'" –Bill Maher

"Between the obesity and the low test scores, you've got to ask yourselves the question ,'How fat and dumb do our kids have to get before our teachers stop having sex with them?" –Bill Maher

"Speaking of fat and dumb, Donald Trump is in the news. He's gone full-on re-Birther. He said Obama was born in Kenya, and he's having a fundraiser in Las Vegas for Mitt Romney – the first time a major presidential candidate is going be on the stage with a real out-and-out Birther. And this could hurt Romney, not just because he's on the stage with Donald Trump. Because it proves that in America, you can make money in business and still be a total f**king idiot." –Bill Maher

"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, 'It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

#2299

Late Night From 05/29

"Oh, Jon! Did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining at any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum that that creates by building a Conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization... Jon, I'm gonna call the organization Fox News, and its tagline will be -- you're gonna love this: 'A Fanatically Micro-Managed Media Fiefdom Where My Own Far-Right Agenda And Personal Sense of Victomhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation... and Balanced.'" –Jon Stewart, "recalling" a conversation with Fox News Chief Roger Ailes

"Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired." –Jay Leno

"Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, 'I'm game!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., June 13, 2012

#2300

Late Night From 06/04

"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno

"Unemployment is still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on job creation: 'Hope and change the subject.'" –Jay Leno

"The unemployment numbers are higher than President Obama was in high school." –Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, 'So, see you after the election?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New research shows that elderly people emit a distinct odor. Yeah, the study was conducted by two guys stuck in an elevator with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien

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