Jokes of the day

2251 - 2275

Wed., Apr 11, 2012

#2251

Late Night From 3/30

"This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –William Maher

"They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don’t want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we’re out of it." –Bill Maher

"That's the bad news: there won't be any more health care. Of course, the good news, we will take your organs and stick them in Dick Cheney if you side, so you can look forward to that." –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

"I'm not worried that this guy is out of touch. I'm worried he's Batman." –Bill Maher

"I could see Mitt as Batman. He hears about a robbery, he changes into the magic underwear, he rushes to the crime scene, and he helps the crooks manage their new money." –Bill Maher

"Bad news for George Zimmerman of Florida, everyone still hates him for killing a teenager over Skittles. The bright side for him, he just won the Hunger Games." –Bill Maher

"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it." –Bill Maher

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"Tonight was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn't that Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name?" –James Leno

"Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn't let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better." –James Kimmel

Thursday, Apr 12, 2012

#2252

Late Night From 4/02

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” –James Leno

“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” –Jay Leno

“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on 'The Biggest Loser' tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that's about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?” –Jay Leno

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he's in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno

“I guess Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno

“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” –Christopher O'Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –James Fallon

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Apr 13, 2012

#2253

Late Night From 4/03

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –James Leno

“Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’” –Davy Letterman

"Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide." –David Letterman

"The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jonathan Stewart

"You're pretending this whole appearance is some uncommonly ballsy way of sticking it to the 'lamestream' media, but it's just another way for you to tout your brand of homespun nonsense unchallenged." –Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's "Today Show" appearance

"There's a strange new law making its way through the Arizona state legislature right now. It's a bill that, if signed into law... would ban people from posting anything (online) that would, quote, 'terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, offend or annoy another person.' I think it means Kim Kardashian is going to prison for a very long time." –James Kimmel

Saturday, Apr 21, 2012

#2254

Late Night From 4/04

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” –James Leno

“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin co-hosted the ‘Today’ show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down ‘Hunger Games’ style.” –Jay Leno

“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” –James Fallon

“There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough.” –James Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” –Davy Letterman

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.” –David Letterman

Sunday, Apr 22, 2012

#2255

Late Night From 4/05

"The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum's campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!" –Jay Leno

"According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he's now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don't confuse that with Herman Cain's campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal." –Jay Leno

"President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?" –Jay Leno

"So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?" –Jay Leno

"Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?" –Craig Ferguson

"The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they're a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They're already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination." –Craig Ferguson

"A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, 'Whoa — look at that guy's ears!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Apr 23, 2012

#2256

Late Night From 4/06

"Happy Holiday weekend! This, of course, is both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you see what Romney did tonight? I think he's trying too hard to get votes; he went to a Seder dressed as the Easter bunny." –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night, President Obama is hosting a special showing of the film 'To Kill a Mockingbird' on the USA Network. And Mitt Romney will be hosting a showing of the film 'Wall Street.'" –Jay Leno

"You know what's funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other 'out of touch.' See, being considered 'out of touch' is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad... there's a fine line. A very fine line." –Jay Leno

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? They cross our borders whenever they want, they get jobs, they get bargain college tuition, we give them driver's licenses, we never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be?" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the 'Today' show." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21." –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, Apr 24, 2012

#2257

Late Night From 4/09

"Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland... they travel all over." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would've gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Romney used a bodyboard. Marking the one-billionth time the words 'Romney' and 'bored' have appeared in the same sentence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, it turned out there weren't enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: 'They still won't let me go on the campaign trail.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It's a group of people known as Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who's paying attention and taking notes." –Conan O'Brien

"Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.'" –David Letterman

"Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter egg roll... The only problem was, First lady Michelle Obama was put in charge of the snacks. That's like putting Rick Santorum in charge of a rave." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich admitted to The Washington Post that he knows he probably won't be the Republican nominee for president, but he's not bowing out of the race because he's $5 million in debt. So he needs to keep raising money. How do you continue to raise money when you've already admitted you probably won't win?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Apr 25, 2012

#2258

Late Night From 4/10

"Miami Marlins' manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don't think it's a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness." –David Letterman

"Hot dogs and pizza don't go together. It's like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn't happen." –Craig Ferguson

"Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Apr 26, 2012

#2259

Late Night From 4/11

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Newt Gingrich's campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, 'Manage your money, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn't think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left." –Jimmy Fallon

"Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called 'Understanding Obama' — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called 'Understanding Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney's running mate. I would like that. We haven't had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He's constantly shelling out all that money." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president." –Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco." –Jay Leno

"The teenage birth rate... is now the lowest it's been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is due to the fact that 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3' is so awesome that boys don't care about girls anymore?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America." –David Letterman

"Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote." –David Letterman

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don't recognize." –David Letterman

Friday, Apr 27, 2012

#2260

Late Night From 4/12

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That's when you know you're in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together." –Conan O'Brien

"I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the auto part." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's certainly nothing fun about paying taxes, but you have to remember... all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give you our parking tickets, and keeping welfare checks going to the Octomom, and important things like that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?" –Jay Leno

"And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, 'Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right.'" –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Apr 28, 2012

#2261

Late Night From 4/13

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'" –Bill Maher

"Cory Booker is not the only New Jersey politician who's done something brave like this. Gov. Chris Crisco – sorry Chris Christie – once ran into a burning restaurant to save 15 pounds of prime rib, but then got stuck in the window going out and burned his ass." –Bill Maher

"It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan." –Bill Maher

If you feel about about so much money in this country going to defense, don't forget, if we didn't spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don't have on the Koran rocket that doesn't work." –Bill Maher

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

"Speaking of problems taking care of itself, Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. Rick dropped out, but said he was going to keep fighting against liberalism, against secularism, and against the urge to blow Jon Hamm." –Bill Maher

"The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy' I'd like a wiener in my rim." –Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was 'only sing along with chorus.'" –Seth Meyers

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

"In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt." –David Letterman

Sunday, May 06, 2012

#2262

Late Night From 4/17

"This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service." –Craig Ferguson

"According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president." –Craig Ferguson

"In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid." –Conan O'Brien

"There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan." –Conan O'Brien

"Ann Romney...is defending her husband for once strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, 'The dog loved it.' Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick." –Conan O'Brien

April 16, 2012

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"A British historical society declared that Britain's greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna's accent." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he's reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, May 07, 2012

#2263

Late Night From 4/18

"President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women." –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar." –Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country. But the best time ever to be a cat." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

#2264

Late Night From 04/16

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"A British historical society declared that Britain's greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna's accent." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he's reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., May 09, 2012

#2265

Late Night From 04/19

"That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party." –Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That's what you call a trade deficit." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, May 10, 2012

#2266

Late Night From 04/20

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, 'I'm checking her out.' Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign." –Bill Maher

"Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, 'I can't count the number of times when I'm walking away, and I hear someone say, 'What an ass.'" –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the Secret Service said they're interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President's life. Now look, I don't agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is unbelievable. There is no level to which he will not stoop. Famously Mitt Romney strapped the dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was six years old living in Indonesia, he ate dog meat and grasshoppers. You know, the number 12. He was six years old! The White House released a statement today saying the president was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up." –Bill Maher

"I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow." –Bill Maher, regarding Rick Perry and other Republican governors eating hamburgers with "pink slime"

"I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth." –Bill Maher

Friday, May 11, 2012

#2267

Late Night From 04/23

"Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, 'free pizza in my room.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control." –David Letterman

"One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars." –David Letterman

"These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one." –Jay Leno

"They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 12, 2012

#2268

Late Night From 04/24

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

"Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"It's Earth Week. So we're doing tonight's show with very little energy. We're using our solar-powered applause sign. Not only that — my hairpiece is 100 percent hemp." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They've already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne." –David Letterman

"Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can" to 'Duke sucks'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, May 13, 2012

#2269

Late Night From 04/25

"Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he's sort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. Let's look at the bright side of this.' Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality." –David Letterman

"In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world." –David Letterman

From David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk": #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers

"After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" –Jay Leno

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday's show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did 'Slow Jam the News,' he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, 'Dude, don't you have a country to run?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can't wait to hear what country he was born in now!" –Stephen Colbert

Monday, May 14, 2012

#2270

Late Night From 04/26

"A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack's new slogan, 'Vote for Michelle Obama's Husband.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, 'has a big stick.' In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn't responded to the ad because he's too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best." –Conan O'Brien

"A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Bring Your Child to Work Day — that's how we got George W. Bush." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't that already the announcement? If you say next week I'll announce I'm dropping out of the race, what's the point of having the announcement next week?" –David Letterman

"According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

#2271

Late Night From 04/27
Part 1

"Big medical news — according to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was "Mitt." The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later... his nickname was "Obama." Kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don't you like that language, 'they visited'? That's what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. 'Hi, just visiting.' No, you visit a hospital!" –Jay Leno

"A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well." –Jay Leno

"Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards' trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don't think he's learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant." –Jay Leno

"The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"They're calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg." –David Letterman

"After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, 'Dude, scale it back!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., May 16, 2012

#2272

Late Night From 04/27
Part 2

"This week Mitt Romney's Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it 'America the Beautiful,' off key, in mom jeans." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney swept give more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m." –Bill Maher

"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass." –Bill Maher

"Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it's between a Cuban American and a cubic American." –Bill Maher

"Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn't want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

"Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to spring break." –Bill Maher

"Is there any force in government that is just so completely focused on f**king people, besides the Secret Service?" –Bill Maher, on Republicans

"Now allegations are coming out that the Secret Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, 'F**k it.' These people actually do it." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner." –Bill Maher

Thursday, May 17, 2012

#2273

Late Night From 04/30
Part 1

"After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, 'So, your place then?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said 'Hey girls, let's see who is on 'Leno.' That was the last thing he said." –David Letterman

"So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?"
9. "Where do you summer?"
8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens are just the right height"
5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

Friday, May 18, 2012

#2274

Late Night From 04/30
Part 2

"I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn't get much of a reaction either. They're probably laughing on the inside." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made.'" –Jay Leno

"Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free." –Jay Leno

"During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, May 19, 2012

#2275

Late Night From 05/01

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don't want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have if roasted by her servants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today's the anniversary of the Osama bin Laden killing. When the SEALs arrived, he was watching TV with his three wives. So a lot of people think it was suicide." –David Letterman

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman

"You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones." –Craig Ferguson

"Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It's not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich." –Craig Ferguson

"Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn't happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone." –Jay Leno

"Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow." –Jay Leno

"German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot." –Jay Leno

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