Jokes of the day

2226 - 2250

Saturday, Mar 17, 2012

#2226

Late Night From 03/02
Part 2

“In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.” –Jay Leno

“In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.” –Jay Leno

“Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh.” –Jay Leno

"In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India, right?" –Jay Leno

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Mar 18, 2012

#2227

Late Night From 03/05

“It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

"With Super Tuesday coming up... there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find Mitt Romney attractive." –Stephen Colbert

"It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself." –Stephen Colbert on Super Tuesday

"Good point, Rush. She's a slut and a prostitute? That's two jobs and she still can't afford her own birth control? Come on." –Stephen Colbert on the Sandra Fluke controversy

Monday, Mar 19, 2012

#2228

Late Night From 03/06

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It's going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we're really stuck with Mitt Romney Wednesday.’” –Conan O'Brien

"In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday." –Conan O’Brien

"This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. ... Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is 'Hello, my fellow peasants.'" –Conan O’Brien

“As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.” –Conan O’Brien

“Ten states had their big primaries. Everyone says the big money's on Mitt Romney. I mean literally. He's so rich that money oozes from his pores.” –Craig Ferguson

“Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.” –Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, Mar 20, 2012

#2229

Late Night From 03/07

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. ...Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'" –Conan O'Brien

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien

"It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?" –Conan O’Brien

"Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum 'slipped the knockout punch!' 'Knockout punch,' by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates." –Stephen Colbert on the Super Tuesday results

"Evidently, voters really responded to his campaign slogan: 'Putin 2012 -- Or He'll Shoot Your Family.'" –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.” ” –Craig Ferguson

“I'm excited about the new iPad. But then I'm excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries.” –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Mar 21, 2012

#2230

Late Night From 03/08

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien

“In a few months Obama’s going to unveil this one: ‘Would you like white wine and a foot massage?’” –Conan O’Brien

“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” –Craig Ferguson

“Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Mar 22, 2012

#2231

Late Night From 03/09

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

“Just for sh**s and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to not bomb someone. This week, John McCain said we needed to bomb Syria. Because he's John McCain. And it's a country. Duh. John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper. Remember how we let John Glenn go back into space when he was 77? We should let John McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie.” –Bill Maher

“Don't pay eight thousand dollars for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it. She could tell you if it really resembles the father of our country, the man who won the war on Christmas, crossed the Danube, signed the Declaration of Constitution, and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funkytown. But Newt Gingrich is a historian too, but don't show it to him or he'll just eat it.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won a key victory in the Ohio Super Tuesday primary narrowly beating Rick Santorum by just 1 percent. Specifically, the 1 percent.” –Seth Meyers

“Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I'm the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum today won the Kansas caucuses beating Mitt Romney by 30 percent. Santorum was expected to do well in Kansas because it's also a giant square.” –Seth Meyers

Friday, Mar 23, 2012

#2232

Late Night From 03/10

“Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.” –Bill Maher

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” –Bill Maher

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney. He can’t get the hang of campaigning like a regular guy. He’s always remind people of his vast wealth. Today he demanded to see Obama’s gift certificate.” –Bill Maher

“Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Here’s an actual quote. Romney was in Mississippi yesterday, and he said, ‘I’m learning to say y’all, and I like grits.’ And then he took out a pair of pliers and yanked out three of his teeth.” –Bill Maher

“In the south, Mitt is going to have trouble with the whole Mormon thing. When he says sister wife down there, it means a whole different thing.” –Bill Maher

Saturday, Mar 24, 2012

#2233

Late Night From 03/12

“They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.” –Jay Leno

“How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change.” –David Letterman

“Don't kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He's down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.” –David Letterman

‎"If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck." –Stevie Colbert on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney

Sunday, Mar 25, 2012

#2234

Late Night From 03/13

"Rush Limbaugh is losing advertisers. Crisco was one and then he lost Hostess Cupcakes. Now the only advertiser Rush has left on his radio show is Conrad Murray's Sleep Clinic." –David Letterman

"You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It's part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Mar 26, 2012

#2235

Late Night From 03/14

"How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he's leading in chins." –David Letterman

"So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt's VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It's going to be over quickly." –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that's where his money lives." –Jon Stewart

"Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?" –Jay Leno

"Not a good week for Rush Limbaugh either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again." –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Mar 27, 2012

#2236

Late Night From 03/15

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don't have sleeves." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he's set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He'd look into it himself, but he's busy working on those NCAA tournament brackets." –Jay Leno

"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum says if elected president, he'll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Mar 28, 2012

#2237

Late Night From 03/16

“March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’” –Bill Maher

“You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.” –Bill Maher

“First Santorum is against the gays, then contraception, now porn. This guy is more backed up than the 405.” –Bill Maher

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend... This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher

“Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls green.” –Bill Maher

“You know what's kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?” –Jay Leno

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance yesterday, before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. It's probably a good chance it's another former Illinois governor.” –Jay Leno

Thursday, Mar 29, 2012

#2238

Late Night From 03/19

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –Dave Letterman

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves ‘Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Mar 30, 2012

#2239

Late Night From 03/20

"When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, 'They're holding a primary in Kenya?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November." –Dave Letterman

"According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, 'Until now!'" –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Mar 31, 2012

#2240

Late Night From 03/21

"Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That's one of the few thriving industries America has left." –Dave Letterman

"John McCain's daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this." –David Letterman

"Here's what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition." –David Letterman

"This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: 'Cover-Your-Face Book.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Apr 01, 2012

#2241

Late Night From 3/22

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he's been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” –Jay Leno

“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama's bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama did this last year, too. Once again, he is out of touch with regular hard-working Americans who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Apr 02, 2012

#2242

Late Night From 3/23
Part 1

"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher

"Then he held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, 'Hey, give me back my iPad.'” –Bill Maher

“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.” –Bill Maher

Tuesday, Apr 03, 2012

#2243

Late Night From 3/23
Part 2

“Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him to an Etch A Sketch — and because of that, Etch A Sketch sales jumped 1,500 percent. Or as Disney put it, ‘Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to 'John Carter?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“’The Hunger Games’ is opening this weekend. The movie is based on the books where people are chosen in a lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death. Why can't we do this to the Republican primaries? Wouldn't that be great?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama's re-election campaign.” –Jay Leno

“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.” –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

Wed., Apr 04, 2012

#2244

Late Night From 3/26
Part 1

“Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org.” –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Apr 05, 2012

#2245

Late Night From 3/26
Part 2

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno

“Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who's gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

Friday, Apr 06, 2012

#2246

Late Night From 3/27
Part 1

"(Monday) was Nancy Pelosi's birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised." –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who's gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich”

10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
8. Do I look Newty enough?
7. Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who's not going to be president?
6. Do I have to touch him?
5. Is this how Newt met his three wives?
4. Seriously, have I lost my mind?
3. Does Newt have to be in the photo?
2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I'm a slut?

Saturday, Apr 07, 2012

#2247

Late Night From 3/27
Part 2

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –Dave Letterman

“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman

“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” –Conan O'Brien

“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance.Rick Santorum said, ‘There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama warned North Korea’s Kim Jong Un that ‘bad behavior will not be rewarded.’ Then Kim asked, “So, how do you explain another season of 'Jersey Shore'?” –Conan O’Brien

“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it?” –Jay Leno

Sunday, Apr 08, 2012

#2248

Late Night From 3/28

“Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.” –Dave Letterman

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno

“A New York City madam says John Edwards was a customer. This is the first time a hooker is more embarrassed at being caught than the john.” –Jay Leno

“A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Apr 09, 2012

#2249

Late Night From 3/29
Part 1

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Christopher O'Brien

“Yesterday Joe Biden thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-sprite.” –Conan O’Brien

“This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.” –James Leno

“What do you think your odds are of winning that jackpot? The last odds I checked, 176 million to 1. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.” –Jay Leno

“I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.” –Jay Leno

“The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Apr 10, 2012

#2250

Late Night From 3/29
Part 2

“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” –Davy Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.” –David Letterman

“A new poll found that President Obama's approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.” –James Fallon

“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon

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