Jokes of the day

2201 - 2225

Tueday, Feb 21, 2012

#2201

Late Night From 2/09

“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” –Jay Leno

“Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” –Jay Leno

“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder's permit.” –Jay Leno

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O'Brien

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien

“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word 'iPad' is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Feb 22, 2012

#2202

Late Night From 2/10
Part 1

“Rick Santorum is being criticized for saying women might not be suited for military combat because of their emotions. Yeah, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That comment is unacceptable — also, what are emotions?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney may be qualified to be president.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said a woman shouldn't have to decide between birth control and buying food. How many guys would make this deal? You buy the birth control and we'll spring for dinner. That seems fair.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow we will find out the results of the Maine caucus. This is a tough choice for Maine voters - do they go with the guy who is intolerant of gays and premarital sex, or the guy who is really intolerant of gays and premarital sex? It's quite a choice...” –Jay Leno

“Have you noticed Romney doesn't even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.” –Jay Leno

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, 'Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can't trust him, but you, you people...'" Jay Leno

Thursday, Feb 23, 2012

#2203

Late Night From 2/10
Part 2

“Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm's way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers

“On Tuesday President Barack Obama called New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him on his Super Bowl victory. He tried to call the Patriots too, but the call was dropped.” –Seth Meyers

“One time Lady Gaga showed up (at the Grammys) wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney's car.” –Dave Letterman

Friday, Feb 24, 2012

#2204

Late Night From 2/10
Part 3

“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum…the little creep that could.” –Billy Maher

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.” –Bill Maher

“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“You can tell that this Santorum surge has Mitt Romney a little rattled. He was at the CPAC Convention today, and he showed up in a sweater vest with a fetus in a jar.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher

"Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood -- issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, 'We'll worry about that when women get the vote.'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher

Saturday, Feb 25, 2012

#2205

Late Night From 2/13

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House's new position? Just have sex and pray for the best." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney loves Valentine's Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money." –Dave Letterman

"Four of us are married to Newt" –from the Top Ten Reasons This Year's "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Issue Is The Best One Ever, as presented by the models on the Late Show With David Letterman

"Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Feb 26, 2012

#2206

Late Night From 2/14

“Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” –David Letterman

“Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.” –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O'Brien

“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama urged men to ‘go big’ for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.” –Jay Leno

Monday, Feb 27, 2012

#2207

Late Night From 2/15
Part 1

“President Obama was here in Hollywood today. I’m willing to give money to the Obama campaign as long as when they leave Hollywood, they load all of the ‘American Idol’ karaoke singers onto Air Force One and take them with him.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier this week, President Obama unveiled his new $3.8 trillion budget. $3.8 trillion - that's more money than Mitt Romney makes in a week.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine's night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt's campaign rallies.”–Jay Leno

Tuesday, Feb 28, 2012

#2208

Late Night From 2/15
Part 2

“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

“They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’” –David Letterman

“I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’” –David Letterman

“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” –David Letterman

“PresidentObama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars —which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barack Obama, come on down!” –Conan O'Brien

“A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.” –Conan O’Brien

Wed., Feb 29, 2012

#2209

Late Night From 2/16
Part 1

“Here's how he stacks up against others. Obama is at 50 percent positive. Mitt Romney is at 42 percent positive. Ice cream is ahead of both of them at 97 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they're like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become a Mitt Romney Look-Alike”

10. Do you look like Mitt Romney?
9. Does Mitt Romney look like you?
8. True or False: You look like Mitt Romney
7. Do you not look like someone who doesn't look like Mitt Romney?
6. If you wore a sombrero, would you look like Mitt Romney wearing a sombrero?
5. What do you feel is your main qualification, other than a strong resemblance to Mitt Romney?
4. During sex, does your wife ever yell out "Mitt Romney!"?
3. Do you know any fat, doughy guys who look like Newt Gingrich?
2. Can you smile while driving with a dog strapped to the roof of your car?
1. Do you mind being unemployed after November?

Thursday, Mar 01, 2012

#2210

Late Night From 2/16
Part 2

“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

“Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul's slogan is ‘Fear the Poligrip.’"–David Letterman

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman

"Iran and its nukes. They’ve got the rods all ready to go into the reactor. They’re waiting on the installer. He’s supposed to come out Friday between 10 and 2." –David Letterman

“President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Mar 02, 2012

#2211

Late Night From 2/17

“Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote oral sex.” –Billy Maher

“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney could lose his home state of Michigan. He keeps shooting himself in the foot. He wrote an Op-Ed in the Detroit newspaper reminding them that he opposed the automobile bailout. And then he kicked off his Wisconsin ‘f**k cheese’ tour.” –Bill Maher

"Here's the good news for liberals. A new poll shows that Santorum and Romney are beating each other up so bad that Obama is now ahead of both of them – another tragic result of white-on-white crime." –Bill Maher

"The FDA came out with a study. They discovered lead in 400 different types of lipstick. And that's just from samples taken from Newt Gingrich's penis." –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid doubled the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he thinks male bankers should only screw over female customers. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he won't even acknowledge the planet Uranus. That's how bad...” –Jay Leno

Saturday, Mar 03, 2012

#2212

Late Night From 2/20

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“How conservative is he? This guy won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –Davy Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson

“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –

“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.” –

Sunday, Mar 04, 2012

#2213

Late Night From 2/21
Part 1

“Last night PBS began airing a four-hour documentary about Bill Clinton and his presidency, and tonight they spent 40 minutes just on Monica Lewinsky. Forty minutes! That's 38 more minutes than Bill spent on her.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich called President Obama ‘the most dangerous president in U.S. history.’ But then he said ‘on the dance floor.’” –Conan O'Brien

“It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.” –Conan O’Brien

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney”

10. Dial M For Mitt
9. Mitty Mitty Bang Bang
8. The Mittrix
7. Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt
6. Mittion: Impossible
5. When Harry Mitt Romney
4. Terms of Endearmitt
3. Mr. Romney Doesn't Go To Washington
2. Dog On A Hot Car Roof
1. They're Just Not That Into You

Monday, Mar 05, 2012

#2214

Late Night From 2/21
Part 2

"Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.” –Davy Letterman

“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he'll defend that position to the edge of the earth. "If I have to fall off..." –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum says that if he's elected, he's going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

Tuesday, Mar 06, 2012

#2215

Late Night From 2/22
Part 1

"Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up." –Jimmy Fallon

"It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is 'The Help.' It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Davy Letterman

"At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him." –

"This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney." –

Wed., Mar 07, 2012

#2216

Late Night From 2/22
Part 2

"Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

"A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum has said that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. Today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

"He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno

"He is so conservative that he won't masturbate because it involves sex with a guy." –Jay Leno

"Analysts say a key voting bloc this election year will be women called 'Birth Control Moms.' They’re moms who use birth control, but apparently not correctly." –Conan O'Brien

"During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Mar 08, 2012

#2217

Late Night From 2/23

“President Obama said he understands that rising prices are making people worried and fearful. Especially in his re-election campaign. They're really fearful.” –Jay Leno

“I saw the worst reality show last night. Have you seen this one? It's called "the Republican Debate.’” –Jay Leno

“The debate was on CNN. You know who the big winner was? "American Idol" on Fox.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno

“All these GOP debates. They had debates with podiums, debates with chairs, a table, bunk beds. Now the next one is going to be in black and white and silent.” –David Letterman

“The North Korean news agency reports that birds and pandas are sobbing and moaning over beloved leader Kim Jong Il’s death. Wait! Is it possible they're sobbing and moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“As bad as gas prices are here, the situation is worse in Europe. I'll tell you why. Because every time Europeans fill up their tank, they expose their unshaven armpits, releasing deadly toxic gases.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think we're going to be seeing more hybrid cars. The Prius is known as a hybrid because it can run on either electricity or the smugness of the owner.” –Craig Ferguson

"I believe that corporations should be afforded all the rights of human beings: right to free speech, the right to bear arms, right to get married -- I mean, not gay married -- heterosexual." –Stevie Colbert

Friday, Mar 09, 2012

#2218

Late Night From 2/24

“Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he's not kooky enough.” –David Letterman

“They're looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.” –David Letterman

“The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace ‘hope and change.’ He's thinking of going with ‘I am not Mitt Romney.’” –Craig Ferguson

“There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week an Occupy Wall Street protester gave birth in the back of a taxi. The baby loves breast milk – as long as it’s not the 1 percent.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, ‘My presidency isn't over yet, and I've still got five more years.’ Even his predictions are over budget.” –Jay Leno

Saturday, Mar 10, 2012

#2219

Late Night From 2/27
Part 1

“Santorum is so conservative he won't go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man's junk. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won't even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

“Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.” –Jon Stewart

"Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” –Stevie Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech”

10. "This is for you, Kim Jong-Il"
9. "I've had sex with every woman in this year's dead actor montage"
8. "Take that, 99-percenters!"
7. "I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum"
6. "I owe it all to my creepy religious cult"
5. "My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs"
4. "Now I'd like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos"
3. "I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector"
2. "I'd like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I'm gay"
1. "I'll be in the men's room, 'polishing my statuette'"

Sunday, Mar 11, 2012

#2220

Late Night From 2/27
Part 2

“Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O'Brien

“The Daytona 500 was supposed to be yesterday but it was rained out. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went to Daytona. I think he was collecting motor oil for his hair.” –Craig Ferguson

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who's more conservative. I think Santorum... he's more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

Monday, Mar 12, 2012

#2221

Late Night From 2/28
Part 1

“The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It's nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees”

10. "I seem less wooden standing next to one"
9. "In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel"
8. "They're also just the right width"
7. "It's fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves"
6. "They're not gay, like palm trees"
5. "They don't shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees"
4. "They look great next to my wife's Cadillacs"
3. "Trees don't whine when strapped to your car roof"
2. "They're not afraid to stand up to the auto industry"
1. "Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows"

Tuesday, Mar 13, 2012

#2222

Late Night From 2/28
Part 2

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that's entirely financed by moonshine.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien

Wed., Mar 14, 2012

#2223

Late Night From 2/29

“Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, ‘barely one’ is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it's gonna be a long night.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

"Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney." –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” –David Letterman

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.” –Jay Leno

“Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.” –Jay Leno

"I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college." –Jay Leno

“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” –Jay Leno

Thursday, Mar 15, 2012

#2224

Late Night From 03/01

“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That's what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” –Jay Leno

“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She's playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie "Game Change." It's about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” –Conan O’Brien

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

Friday, Mar 16, 2012

#2225

Late Night From 03/02
Part 1

“I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to plan b: calling women whores.” –Bill Maher

“This woman [Sandra Fluke] got a call today from then President. President Obama called her to thank her for her testimony. And then President Clinton called Obama to get her number.” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney's wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn't give a sh*t about.” –Bill Maher

“Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, ‘Are you still against contraception?’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the President's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed "Cold Case Posse" reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate MIGHT be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Who ever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?” –Bill Maher

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

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