Jokes of the day

2176 - 2200

Saturday, Jan 28, 2012

#2176

Late Night From 1/13

"According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?" –Dave Letterman

"It's been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian." –David Letterman

‎"The mere possibility that I might run for president blew Jon Huntsman all the way back to the 'Land's End' catalog he came from." –Steve Colbert

"Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race"

10. "Who's Jon Huntsman?"
9. "Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"
8. "Seriously, who's Jon Huntsman?"
7. "You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"
6. "Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"
5. "So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"
4. "It's like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"
3. "Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"
2. "He should have Tebowed more"
1. "Now who's gonna lose to Obama in the general election?"

Sunday, Jan 29, 2012

#2177

Late Night From 1/16

"When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies

"When Mitt Romney says ‘the buck stops here,’ he means literally, 'I have your money. Fuck you.'" –Bill Maher

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a 'paler shade of what we have in the White House now.' And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, 'I thought that was the whole point." –Bill Maher

"I'm sensing Mitt Romney isn't that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as 'Mitt Romney, I guess.'" –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncos fan supporting Jon Huntsman." –Jim Fallon

"Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Jan 30, 2012

#2178

Late Night From 1/17
Part 1

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Immy Kimmel

"At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds." –Dave Letterman

"Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: 'If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?'" –Craig Ferguson

"This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives." –Craig Ferguson

"On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Jan 31, 2012

#2179

Late Night From 1/17
Part 2

"Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Steve Colbert

"(It's) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable." –Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Rick Perry from Monday's debate: "South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.

"Jon Stewart: "War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?"

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: "If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house."

Jon Stewart: "Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?"

(After showing Newt Gingrich's debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)

Jon Stewart: "And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy."

Wed., Feb 01, 2012

#2180

Late Night From 1/17
Part 3

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong." –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the 'Hall of Presidents' and sees them making room for Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Feb 02, 2012

#2181

Late Night From 1/19

"Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties." –Jay Leno

"You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again." –Jay Leno

At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, "Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I." –David Letterman

Friday, Feb 03, 2012

#2182

Late Night From 1/20
Part 1

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won't release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Last night... anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn't perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, 'I am!'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, 'Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Feb 04, 2012

#2183

Late Night From 1/20
Part 2

"Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich's ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"Newt was mad. He said 'I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America's children back to work." –Bill Maher

"Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney's got a look on his face like, 'Three women at once? Who's the Mormon in this race?'" –Bill Maher

"I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great business man, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?" –Bill Maher

Sunday, Feb 05, 2012

#2184

Late Night From 1/23

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia." –Conan O'Brien

‎"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Steve Colbert

"'Newt triumphed with 40% of the vote to Mitt Romney's 28% -- a gap so wide, you could fit Newt's head in it." –Stephen Colbert

"Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators." –Stephen Colbert

"You're not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!" –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

Monday, Feb 06, 2012

#2185

Late Night From 1/24

"Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone's mind: Who cares?" –Stephen Colbert

"After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They're running to be Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, 'Nancy Regan really looks good for her age." But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, 'Flag looks like a lady.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations." Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you're probably an alcoholic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: 'Bright Lights, Big Mitty,' 'Mittizen Bain,' and "Mormon-y, Less Problems." But then ... 'The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'" –Jon Stewart

Tueday, Feb 07, 2012

#2186

Late Night From 1/25

"President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, 'The state of our union is open.'" –Conan O'Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, 'I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'" –Conan O’Brien

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed — because that's how the last surgeon left them." –Conan O'Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"What's interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million." –Conan O'Brien

Wed., Feb 08, 2012

#2187

Late Night From 1/27

“Newt may be toast already. The Republican establishment have the knives out for him. Tom Delay said Newt Gingrich was the most despicable human being he has seen since shaving this morning.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton said this week she’d gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired…she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” –Bill Maher

“President Obama spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, baby and 9 percent unemployment.” –Conan O'Brien

“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” –Conan O’Brien

“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fortunately, tonight's debate was the last one we're going to see. The candidates are going to take a break, spending more time attacking the morals of their families.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Feb 09, 2012

#2188

Late Night From 1/26

“Everyone got what they wanted this week; liberals got a home run State of the Union from their President of the United States and conservatives got Heidi Klum back from Seal.” –Bill Maher

“Look at that (image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's finger in Obama's face). Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” –Bill Maher

“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote -- today she said, or yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a 'little bit threatened.' Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the -- what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps hi money.” –Bill Maher

“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxemburg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” –Bill Maher

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republican stalked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich -- this is guy is clinical. He thinks he’s some sort of intergalactic ruler. He said by the end of my second term as president, we will have a colony on the moon, and if there are enough people there, it can petition to be the 51st state. We’ll call it Lunarchusetts.” –Bill Maher

Friday, Feb 10, 2012

#2189

Late Night From 1/30

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It's like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, "I knew I got out too soon!" –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I'll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O'Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama's new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn’t made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he’s a snowmobiler, so nobody cares.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Feb 11, 2012

#2190

Late Night From 1/31

"Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it." Jay Leno

"President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It's called Mexico." –Jay Leno

"After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at 'American Idol' have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul's book will be appraised on the next edition of 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon." –Dave Letterman

"Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill." –Conan O'Brien

"Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and 'Could you please release it two days before the election?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China's No. 1 reality TV show, 'Toddlers Making Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the 'Goldilocks candidate.' Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich won but we do know one thing for certain: tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring Latinos." –Steve Colbert

Sunday, Feb 12, 2012

#2191

Late Night From 2/01
Part 1

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he's now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he's switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He's using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he's a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn't Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn't that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they've never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It's the first day of Black History Month. So if you're watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O'Brien

“It's being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

Monday, Feb 13, 2012

#2192

Late Night From 2/01
Part 2

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –Dave Letterman

"Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial." –David Letterman

"Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I'm not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎"Mitt didn't just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt's tax rate." –Steve Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Feb 14, 2012

#2193

Late Night From 2/02
Part 1

“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” –Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” –Conan O'Brien

“It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.” –Davy Letterman

“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” –David Letterman

“Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Feb 15, 2012

#2194

Late Night From 2/02
Part 2

“Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” –Jimmy Fallon

‎"Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He's an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy." –Stephen Colbert

‎"I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, 'a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'" –Stephen Colbert

‎"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It's got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul's campaign; it's got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it's got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That's just to protect him from the poor.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Romney is the only guy who says, ‘You're fired!’ more than Donald Trump. Did you know that?” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's restaurant to show that he's a normal American... just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn't spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d'.” –Jay Leno

Thursday, Feb 16, 2012

#2195

Late Night from 2/3-4

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” –Bill Maher

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” –Bill Maher

“He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch rich dick. His point of view was. ‘You wouldn’t treat Obama this way. I’ll bet you $10,000 you wouldn’t treat Obama this way.’” –Bill Maher

“I think I can prove that Mitt Romney is the whitest man ever because he won Florida, became the undisputed front runner and then the next day, the host of Soul Train killed himself.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore...but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won’t stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles.” –Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” –Seth Meyers

“Romney won the Florida primary with 47 percent of the vote. Or as it’s known in Florida schools, a B minus.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

“Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.” –Davy Letterman

Friday, Feb 17, 2012

#2196

Late Night From 2/06

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” –Jay Leno

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Here's a very bizarre story that was online; a woman in England was born... she's 25 now and very attractive... the women was born with two vaginas. Two vaginas! See, this is the woman who should marry Newt Gingrich! Then he could have a wife and an open marriage at the same time.” –Jay Leno

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House." –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.” –Davy Letterman

Saturday, Feb 18, 2012

#2197

Late Night From 2/07
Part 1

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want"

10. Dopey
9. Gasbag
8. One-Termer
7. Hasselhoff
6. Italian Cruise Ship Captain
5. German Grandmother
4. Dubya
3. Load
2. Not My Problem
1. Osama

Sunday, Feb 19, 2012

#2198

Late Night From 2/07
Part 2

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that's still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don't you ban those? Those do more damage...” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed - right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he's a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –Davy Letterman

“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn't really care about poor people. Now he's backtracking, and he's saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welke.” –David Letterman

Monday, Feb 20, 2012

#2200

Late Night From 2/08

"Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement." –Davy Letterman

"It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him." –David Letterman

"People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney's going to do if he's elected president is he's going to outlaw casual Friday." –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest." –David Letterman

"Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions." –Jay Leno

"Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get." –Jay Leno

"Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News." –Jimmy Kimmel

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