Jokes of the day

2151 - 2175

Tueday, Jan 03, 2012

#2151

Late Night From 12/20

"North Korea may not have enough money to preserve the body of Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, this leaves North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong jerky. … You heard of Slim Jims? How about Slim Kims?” –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug." –Conan O'Brien

"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno

"Kim Jong Il made his staff call him 'dear' and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Items On Kim Jong Un's To Do List"

10. Hit LensCrafters and check out the selection of giant dictator glasses
9. Fix leaky water torture pipe in dungeon
8. Promote his new regime on "The Wendy Williams Show"
7. Light palace Menorah for the first day of Hanukkah
6. Take a vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas
5. Floss more (It's on everyone's to-do list, but we never get around to it, do we folks?)
4. Do some freestyle picking
3. Watch monkeys riding dogs
2. Buy a zoo with Matt Damon
1. Obligatory meeting with Donald Trump

Wed., Jan 04, 2012

#2152

Late Night From 12/21
Part 1

"President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies." –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words 'beautiful, smart, and funny.' When asked how he picked those, he used the words, 'she's, sitting, and right-next-to-me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Jan 05, 2012

#2153

Late Night From 12/21
Part 2

"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don't talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it." –Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

Friday, Jan 06, 2012

#2154

Late Night From 12/22
Part 1

"We're learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don't want to say Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree." –Jay Leno

"The pro-adultery website ashleymadison.com - have you heard of this? It's a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it's their way of thanking him for all the years of business." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno

"John Edwards - remember that sleazeball who ran for president? He's asking that his upcoming criminal trial be delayed because he's been diagnosed with a medical condition. Lets hope it's erectile dysfunction." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Jan 07, 2012

#2155

Late Night From 12/22
Part 2

"Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance..." –Jay Leno

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno

"The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti- Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they're doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Jan 15, 2012

#2163

Late Night From 12/23

"President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he's not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, "You can't buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us." –Jay Leno

"While shopping at Best Buy, out of force of habit, President Obama put everything on layaway. He told the store, "Don't worry about it; the grandkids will pay for it." –Jay Leno

"There have been a lot of changes in the polls lately. It's unbelievable. President Obama's ratings are up, Ron Paul is leading in the polls in Iowa, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are in a tie, and Rick Santorum is still two points behind Kim Jong-Il. He's got a way to go." –Jay Leno

Monday, Jan 16, 2012

#2164

Late Night From 1/3
Part 1

"The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –Jim Fallon

"President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of 'Yo Gabba Gabba.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign"

10. Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner
9. Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia
8. Still aren't sure what the heck a "caucus" is
7. Began last speech with, "As I look out at all these empty chairs . . . “
6. People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma
5. Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying
4. Instead of Iowa you've been campaigning in Idaho
3. At the last debate, all you said was, "whatevs"
2. Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this president thing doesn't work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his carpet store
1. Chief of staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires

Tueday, Jan 17, 2012

#2165

Late Night From 1/3
Part 2

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards." –Dave Letterman

"Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates." –David Letterman

"I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Jan 18, 2012

#2166

Late Night From 1/4
Part 1

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"In the last election, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa caucus, and John McCain came in fourth. And he became the nominee. So it’s too early to tell anything at this point. It would be like if Wolf Blitzer stayed up all night analyzing the first round of American Idol auditions." –Immy Kimmel

"According to new poll done by '60 minutes,' 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes, like what happened to Jon Gosselin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises At Michele O'Bachmann's Press Conference"

10. Congratulated Mitt Romney on being elected the president of Iowa
9. Gave repeated shout-outs to the Los Angeles car arsonist
8. After a brief introduction, spent 15 minutes Tebowing
7. Said she successfully prayed her campaign away
6. Shared several inspirational quotes from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked'
5. Announced plans to bet remaining campaign funds on the Packers to win the Super Bowl
4. Said she's leaving Marcus for the lead guitarist of Journey
3. Revealed she's the latest wacky character played by Sacha Baron Cohen
2. Showed her full-body dragon tattoo
1. Ended with a, 'See you losers at the truck stop!'

Thursday, Jan 19, 2012

#2167

Late Night From 1/4
Part 2

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months." –Conan O'Brien

"In her concession speech, Bachmann said, 'I mean what I say.' Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye." –Conan O'Brien

"As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama." –Dave Letterman

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is." –David Letterman

"So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo." –David Letterman

"There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore." –David Letterman

"(Rick) Santorum did so well, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They also have the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubby hubby ice cream." –Jay Leno

Friday, Jan 20, 2012

#2168

Late Night From 1/5

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien

"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jim Fallon

Saturday, Jan 21, 2012

#2169

Late Night From 1/6

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –Dave Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men's briefs.” –David Letterman

"Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” –Immy Kimmel

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"How's this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich's solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul." –Jay Leno

"I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour." –Jay Leno

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jim Fallon

Sunday, Jan 22, 2012

#2170

Late Night From 1/9
Part 1

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Enjoyed ice cream made by Kim Jong Ben and Kim Jong Jerry
9. Laid in bed, depressed, like a typical Capricorn
8. Hit Vegas with his 'crew:' Putin, Chavez, Ahmadinejad and Zach Galifianakis
7. Had Marilyn Monroe lookalike sing, 'Happy Birthday, Mr. Supreme Commander of the People's Army, brilliant comrade, and great person born of heaven'
6. After seeing how good Charles Barkley looks, joined Weight Watchers
5. Nice quiet dinner with a few close human shields
4. Caught surprise Patton Oswalt stand-up set at the Pyongyang Comedy Store
3. Watched funny videos of North Koreans crying on YouTube
2. Treated himself to a deep-tissue jowl massage
1. Executed his pastry chef for using those trick birthday candles

Monday, Jan 23, 2012

#2171

Late Night From 1/9
Part 2

"Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt." –Dave Letterman

"Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger." –David Letterman

"Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he'd better call a doctor." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

“Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?” –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jim Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, 'It was a pretty sick pass.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Jan 24, 2012

#2172

Late Night From 1/10

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America." –Dave Letterman

"When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would've taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Immy Kimmel

"The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you've got to speak Spanish." –Jay Leno

"Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he's got to find another mistress." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jim Fallon

"During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman." –Steve Colbert

Wed., Jan 25, 2012

#2173

Late Night From 1/11
Part 1

"This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –Dave Letterman

"After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney's campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry's campaign merchandise is now two for one." –Jim Fallon

"Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as 'dangerous.' Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul." –Steve Colbert

Thursday, Jan 26, 2012

#2174

Late Night From 1/11
Part 2

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman finished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'" –Jay Leno

"According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup." –Craig Ferguson

"The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul finished second. ... Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers ... and if his message continues to resonate ... and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing." –Immy Kimmel

Friday, Jan 27, 2012

#2175

Late Night From 1/12

"President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there." –Jim Fallon

"Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, 'Could I interest you in a Biden?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called 'The Real Romney.' You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I'll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry’s presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they're now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Word is that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he's got to find another mistress." –Jay Leno

"Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress." –Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg wants to outlaw alcohol in New York City. How about outlawing rats in the subway?" –Dave Letterman

"In North Korea, they announced they’re going to embalm Kim Jong Il’s body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King." –Craig Ferguson

"The article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. People sit in chairs all day at work, then they twist into pretzels and expect it to be easy. It’s like being a brainless action star all your life, then going out and trying to govern the state of California." –Craig Ferguson

"A report from the Department of Homeland Security says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. So that's who is looking at MySpace, I guess." –Immy Kimmel

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