Jokes of the day

2126 - 2150

Friday, Dec 09, 2011

#2126

Late Night From 11/28

"A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department." –Jay Leno

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno

"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno

"It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, 'When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There are some things that you can get on Black Friday that you can't on Cyber Monday, like being pepper sprayed in the face." –Craig Ferguson

"In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States." –Craig Ferguson

"Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named 'Jihad.' Or as the TSA put it, 'Hope you like Amtrak!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Dec 10, 2011

#2127

Late Night From 11/29
Part 1

"President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain's latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn't realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She'd slow him down." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Dec 11, 2011

#2128

Late Night From 11/29
Part 2

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien

"Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Cobert

“This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” –Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain

"A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage." –Stephen Colbert

‎"13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with." –Jon Stewart on Herman Cain

"You know, I don't know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He's your everything bagel." –Jon Stewart

Monday, Dec 12, 2011

#2129

Late Night From 11/30

"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Dec 13, 2011

#2130

Late Night From 12/01

"No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk." –Jay Leno

"Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: 'Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?'" –Jay Leno

"According to an online poll of what people will write on their holiday cards this year, 60% will write 'Merry Christmas.' Nineteen percent will write 'Happy holidays.' And 1% will write 'Keep our 13 year affair quiet, I'm trying to run for president.'" –Jay Leno

"Cain now says he's consulting with his family whether to stay in the race. Really? You think that's what he's discussing with his wife, about staying in the race? How about staying in the house?" –Jay Leno

"One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread 'foreclosed' sign." –Conan O'Brien

"It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year's Christmas is 'Shine, Give, Share.' While rumor is, the theme of next year's White House Christmas will be 'Clean, Pack, Move.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, 'There was a ban on that?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Stephen Colbert: Have you slept with Herman Cain?
Siri: I was young, and I needed the job.

Wed., Dec 14, 2011

#2131

Late Night From 12/02

"High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. It was so windy police at U.C. Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other." –Jay Leno" –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard." –Jay Leno

"I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi." –Jay Leno 

"In a new interview, it's revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there's a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Dec 15, 2011

#2132

Late Night From 12/03

"Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it." –Seth Meyers

"A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, 'Vote for Herman Cain.'" –Seth Meyers

"Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"'Americas Most Wanted' used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting." –Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 16, 2011

#2133

Late Night From 12/05
Part 1

"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt is meeting today with Donald Trump. Insiders say it's consensual. He'd be the first President named Newt. There've been some First Ladies." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Dec 17, 2011

#2134

Late Night From 12/05
Part 2

"President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas." –Jay Leno

"To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is." –Jay Leno

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." –Jay Leno

"We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he's a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, 'Look, one of Santa's elves!'" –David Letterman

"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Dec 18, 2011

#2135

Late Night From 12/05
Part 3

"In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race." –Conan O'Brien

"An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino." –Conan O'Brien

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart

"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno

"The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino's, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars..." –Jay Leno

"Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday...he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn't find a date." –Jay Leno 

Monday, Dec 19, 2011

#2136

Late Night From 12/06
Part 1

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle...remember Dan? Potato with an 'e'? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, 'Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome...'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There's a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don't want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain, the Herminator, said 'I will not be silent, and I will not go away.' Then he shut up and left." –David Letterman

"I'm so excited, Christmas season is finally here. ... A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are 'Jingle Bell Rock' and 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.' The LEAST popular Christmas song: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Dec 20, 2011

#2137

Late Night From 12/06
Part 2

"Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus." –Jon Stewart

"Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of scary. This was in the paper today; according to the new federal guidelines if you've had sex with more than one personin the past year, you might be 'too promiscuous to be an organ donor.' More bad news for Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview at her lawyer's office, Herman Cain's mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain's story either. I think that's fair." –Jay Leno

"Cain says that he and his wife...everything is fine between them. Though it's not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?" –Jay Leno

Wed., Dec 21, 2011

#2138

Late Night From 12/07
Part 1

"The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine"

10. Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder
9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing
8. Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or Jacuzzi?
7. Congratulations, I hear you're going to Vail. Wait, never mind
6. Hey, it's your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?
5. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich
4. Hey, it's Dave. Tonight's Top Ten List is about you. Nice work
3. It's 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?
2. This is President Obama. I'm granting you a full pardon. Nah, I'm just screwing with you
1. It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Thursday, Dec 22, 2011

#2139

Late Night From 12/07
Part 2

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden visited Greece last week on the debt crisis. I don't want to say the vice president doesn't know much, but he kept asking for John Travolta." –Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman

"Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'" –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman

"I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad's old Army buddy, doesn't he?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, 'And my teeth are coming out.'" –David Letterman

"In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold." –David Letterman

"The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair." –Craig Ferguson

"He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Dec 23, 2011

#2140

Late Night From 12/08
Part 1

"Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he'd bring back free checking." –Jay Leno

"According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners." –Jay Leno

"According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, 'the 99 percenters.'" –Jay Leno

Saturday, Dec 24, 2011

#2141

Late Night From 12/08
Part 2

"Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell." –Jon Stewart to Bill O’Reilly

"The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye." –David Letterman

"Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Dec 25, 2011

#2142

Late Night From 12/09

"More good news for Newt Gingrich. Earlier today, he was endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head." –David Letterman

"Newt has a holiday book out. 'The Newt Before Christmas.'" –David Letterman

"Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor." –David Letterman

"President Obama said he is 'very concerned' about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote 'very concerned' about the drop in Nickelodeon's ratings." –Jimmy Fallon

"Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey." –Jay Leno

"You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno

"President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles." –Jay Leno

"A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, 'See? That's what I've been trying to tell people.'" –Jay Leno

Monday, Dec 26, 2011

#2143

Late Night From 12/12

"Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair." –Jay Leno

"Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?" –Jay Leno

"Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails." –David Letterman

"A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You're promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Dec 27, 2011

#2144

Late Night From 12/13
Part 1

"Someone threw shoes at Iranian president Ahmahdinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they'll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings." –David Letterman

"Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?" –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue"

10. Most frequent question from moderators: 'You awake?'
9. Michele O'Bachmann trying to get her husband to pray away the tedium
8. Newt Gingrich opened a revolving account with Sleepy's
7. When asked a question, they all keep texting and mutter, 'Uh huh, uh, huh . . . '
6. Last night, Romney challenged Perry to a $10,000 game of 'Words With Friends'
5. Ron Paul's fake eyebrows are twitching
4. Theme of the debate: 'Who Cares?'
3. Jon Huntsman tried to . . . Wait, who is Jon Huntsman?
2. They all walk around dazed and miserable — it's like working here
1. At last debate, Rick Perry said, 'Debate my butt!'

Wed., Dec 28, 2011

#2145

Late Night From 12/13
Part 2

"Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the 'country of Solyndra.' If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now?" –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin' Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for Dummies." –Jay Leno

"Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, 'Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'" –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Dec 29, 2011

#2146

Late Night From 12/14

"A campaign staffer on the Newt Gingrich campaign was fired because he was making negative comments about Mormons. I thought, 'Wait a minute, isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Keep America American” because that slogan was once used by the KKK. Now he is overcompensating because his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party." –Jay Leno

"Men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people say that Mitt Romney isn't the most consistent candidate, because he's changed his mind about big, important issues over the years. You know, that's one of the things that I like about him, because he's been consistent since he changed his mind." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christine O'Donnell, who used to be a witch, endorsed Mitt Romney, and she said, "He's been consistent since he changed his mind." Can't argue with that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Dec 30, 2011

#2147

Late Night From 12/15

"A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich signed a 'no adultery' pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith." –Jay Leno

"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." –Jay Leno

"If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees." –Jay Leno

"On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, 'My gloves are coming off,' Ron Paul said, 'OK, my teeth are coming out.' And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich 'zany.' If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's 'zany?'" –David Letterman

"Now I wouldn't be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken." –David Letterman

"In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected. There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Dec 31, 2011

#2148

Late Night From 12/16

"Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer." –Jay Leno

"The candidates all have their position on the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt Gingrich is over-Fed." –Jay Leno

"USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. " –Jay Leno

"Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. " –Jay Leno

"President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying." –Jay Leno

"A movie called 'The Artist' got six nominations. It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's like Rick Perry at a debate." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too 'zany' to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't have time to say Mitt and Romney, so I just call him 'Mittney.'" –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Jan 01, 2012

#2149

Late Night From 12/19
Part 1

"North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il." –Jay Leno

"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'" –Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February." –Jay Leno

Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like To Say To The American People (as read by Mitt Romney on Letterman)

10. "Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host?"
9. "What's up, gangstas — it's the M-I-Double-Tizzle"
8. "I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something"
7. "Actually, I'm only here to meet Tom Cruise"
6. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"
5. "My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's 'Mitt-stified'"
4. "I just used all my campaign money to buy a zoo with Matt Damon"
3. "I can do a lot, but even I can't fix the Indianapolis Colts"
2. "Newt Gingrich? Really?"
1. "It's a hairpiece"

Monday, Jan 02, 2012

#2150

Late Night From 12/19
Part 2

"North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset." –Conan O'Brien

"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, 'Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you." –David Letterman

"The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill." –Jimmy Fallon

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