Jokes of the day

2101 - 2125

Sunday, Nov 13, 2011

#2100

Late Night From 1/20
Part 1

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won't release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Last night... anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn't perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, 'I am!'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, 'Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Nov 14, 2011

#2101

Late Night From 10/31

"President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn." –Jay Leno

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut." –Jay Leno

"Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan." –Jay Leno

"One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, 'Nein! Nein! Nein!'" –Conan O'Brien

"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn't have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes." –Jimmy Fallon

"A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he'd ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: 'Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not.'" –Jon Stewart

"I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi.." –Craig Ferguson

"The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Nov 15, 2011

#2102

Late Night From 11/01

"If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'" –David Letterman

"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman

"A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008." –Jimmy Fallon

"A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, 'You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In Herman Cain's defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive." –Jon Stewart

Wed., Nov 16, 2011

#2103

Late Night From 11/02

"President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions." –David Letterman

"People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I'd be drunk too." –David Letterman

"Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm 'In God We Trust' as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Statue of Liberty just turned 125. When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term." –Conan O'Brien

"Governor Christie wants to extend the seven train to New Jersey. When asked what's wrong with the Lincoln Tunnel, Christie said, 'You try squeezing through that thing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?" –Conan O'Brien

"A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber's love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

"Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian." -- Stephen Colbert

Thursday, Nov 17, 2011

#2104

Late Night From 11/03
Part 1

"Four anti-government senior citizens in Georgia have been charged in a terror plot. All of the men are in their '60s and '70s and they planned to build a bomb and blow up a government building. Can you imagine? Remember the underwear bomber? These guys are the Depends bombers." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for president Obama. 'Forbes' magazine put out a list of the most powerful people in the world. And our president is number one. I guess nobody told congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office… You mean the one on the sofa?" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe's getting economic advice from Obama? That's like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes' list of the world's most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao." –Jimmy Fallon

"Seriously? On the floor of Congress they're debating the motto of the United States? Sacred part of our national heritage ever since our founding fathers created our motto back in 1956. " –Jon Stewart

Friday, Nov 18, 2011

#2105

Late Night From 11/03
Part 2

"Last night the Occupy Oakland protest got out of hand. Demonstrators broke windows, hurled Molotov cocktails and chunks of concrete. Police said it was the worst riot in Oakland since every Raiders home game." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There was some trouble last night in Oakland after the Occupy Oakland protests. They had trouble breaking the crowd up because every time they fired bean bags at them, they started playing hackey sack with them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for front runner Herman Cain; now a third woman has come forward and accused him of sexual harassment. Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize." –Jay Leno

"Turns out 999 was just his rating system: she's a 9, she's a 9, she's a 9." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Cain still doesn't get it. Like he said he will address all these charges at a press conference tomorrow at Hooters." –Jay Leno

"Oh, good news for all of us, President Obama had his annual White House physical and the doctors say that President Obama is in such great shape that he can actually start smoking again." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Nov 19, 2011

#2106

Late Night From 11/04

"I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement." –Bill Maher

"Some Godfather's Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to hold the sausage." –Bill Maher on the sexual harassment accusations against Herman Cain

"There are fourteen more Republican debates and they are running out of formats…next they are going to do one where they are in sleeping bags around the campfire and then one where they are blindfolded and nude and have to figure out who each other is by touching." –Bill Maher

"President Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. This is part of their 'do as we say not as we do' summit, apparently." –Jay Leno

"Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost president Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'" –David Letterman

"Forget president — this guy could be premier of Italy." –David Letterman

"All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2." –David Letterman

"This week, Mitt Romney's campaign sent out automated phone calls saying that Rick Perry is too soft on immigration. Yeah, the call was like, 'For English, press one. Para Español, go talk to your buddy Rick Perry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Nov 20, 2011

#2107

Late Night From 11/07
Part 1

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the Schnook of Mormon." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It"

10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment
9. Now smokes more than his campaign manager
8. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun
7. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache
6. Claims Justin Bieber is his father
5. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain
4. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray
3. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts
2. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry
1. He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

Monday, Nov 21, 2011

#2108

Late Night From 11/07
Part 2

"Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Big news today on health care reform. Dr. Conrad Murray is going to jail. They said the sedative he gave Michael Jackson was 5 times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. Dr. Murray's sentencing will be delayed long enough to let him finish his "Playboy" shoot." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Nov 22, 2011

#2109

Late Night From 11/08
Part 1

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

"If the earth was visited by aliens, this could be a huge problem for the Republican party. I mean, Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

‎"If NPR is talk radio's equal and opposite, that must mean that their shows urge listeners to get a rope and go Republican huntin'." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day"

10. 'What? The election is today?'
9. 'You need to sober up for your concession speech'
8. 'You're running for office? That's hilarious!'
7. 'There he is. Get him!'
6. 'Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you'
5. 'You're losing the red states and the blue states, but you're doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states'
4. 'If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing'
3. 'The only endorsements we've got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray'
2. 'Asteroid! Run for your lives!'
1. 'Gloria Allred, Line 1'

Wed., Nov 23, 2011

#2110

Late Night From 11/08
Part 2

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken." –Stevie Colbert

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Nov 24, 2011

#2111

Late Night From 11/09
Part 1

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stevie Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Herman Cain Pick-Up Lines"

10. "You're like a Godfather's pizza: a little doughy, but still hot"
9. "My name's Herman and I'll get you squirmin'"
8. "May I stuff your crust?"
7. "You put the 'ass' in National Restaurant Association"
6. "Can I buy you a glass of whatever Rick Perry is drinking?"
5. "Would you describe yourself as the litigious type?"
4. (Video: Newt Gingrich having sex with a vending machine)
3. "Baby, you're worth the forty grand in hush money"
2. "You don't know Gloria Allred, do you?"
1. "My tax plan is 9-9-9, but you're a 10-10-10"

Friday, Nov 25, 2011

#2112

Late Night From 11/09
Part 2

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he's reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn't recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That's what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

Saturday, Nov 26, 2011

#2113

Late Night From 11/10
Part 1

"If there's one thing I know about Rick Perry, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight and he's already turning last night's negative into a — I wouldn't say a positive, but a double negative." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That was more than a brain fart. That was brain explosive diarrhea." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." –Jay Leno

"I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president." –Jay Leno

"You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice president." –Jay Leno

"According to a U.N. Report out this week, Iran tried to design a miniature nuclear weapon. Investigators say this plot was hatched by Iran's miniature president." –Jay Leno

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses (As Read by Rick Perry on the Late Show With David Letterman)

10. There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh . . . Oops
9. I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well
8. I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"
7. I thought the debate was tonight
6. You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude
5. Uh, El Nino?
4. I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate
3. I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here
2. I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain
1. I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

Sunday, Nov 27, 2011

#2114

Late Night From 11/10
Part 2

"Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them." –Jimmy Fallon

"After 30 seconds of stuttering, Rick Perry said, 'Oops.' Incidentally, saying 'Oops' after 30 seconds is why Justin Bieber has to take a paternity test. 'Oops' is the same thing being said by everyone who donated to Rick Perry." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about Rick Perry's "performance" at the Republican debate. He had a brain freeze trying to name the three — I forgot what I was talking about." –Craig Ferguson

"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." –Craig Ferguson

"It's not a good week for Republican memories. Rick Perry forgot the name of the agency he wanted to cut. Herman Cain forgot there was a harassment settlement. And Ron Paul forgot he has no chance of winning." –Craig Ferguson

"Most analysts agree the big debate winner last night was Mitt Romney, who stuck closely to his strategy of not being any of the other candidates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Nov 28, 2011

#2115

Late Night From 11/10
Part 3

"Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words." –David Letterman

"I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three .. Oh crap, what was three?" –David Letterman

"I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I — Oh, what was three?" –David Letterman

"He had a lapse in memory. He remembered Kris and he remembered Khloe but forgot Kourtney." –David Letterman

"Today the governor explained that it was not him, it was part of the test of the emergency alert system." –David Letterman

"When you have a little trouble recalling, they call that a senior moment. More like Bush, junior moment." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: '11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's personal assistant Reggie Love has announced he will be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job hosting a smooth jazz station." Conan O'Brien

"There was an awkward moment when Herman Cain turned to Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to get the job." –Conan O'Brien

Tueday, Nov 29, 2011

#2116

Late Night From 11/11
Part 1

"It was so quiet in the theater last night. I'm telling you it was quieter here than dinner at Herman Cain's house." –David Letterman

"As if Cain's troubles couldn't get worse, today, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie accused Herman Cain of skimping on the pepperoni." –David Letterman

"The Italian prime minister announced he is stepping down. He's looking forward to spending more time with his wife and five hookers." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney said this week if he's elected, he won't let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it's none of our business. And Rick Perry said, “ . . . “–Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by 'beating him with a Cain.' Obama said, 'I'm just glad I'm not running against Anthony Weiner.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today's date is 11/11/11! Or as Joe Biden calls that, “A great email password!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is 11/11/11! A date so simple, even Rick Perry can remember it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters interrupted Michele Bachmann's speech in South Carolina. In response, Bachmann's supporters were like, 'Man, if we existed, we'd be so angry right now!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Nov 30, 2011

#2117

Late Night From 11/11
Part 2

"Someone told Rick Perry today that Obama, as he did, laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. And Rick Perry said 'See, he blanks on names too.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry forgets his own talking points, Herman Cain forgets every woman he ever groped, Mitt Romney forgets he used to be for everything he is now against; they don’t need debates, they need ginkgo biloba." –Bill Maher

"It has gotten so bad in the party that Newt Gingrich is now starting to surge, which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich." –Bill Maher

"More bad news for Rick Perry. Tomorrow there's another debate." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows 45 percent of Republicans believe that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, and that rises to 46 percent if you count Rick Perry, who also believes Mitt Romney will be the nominee." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that's the problem with kids in America today. They're just too educated." –Jay Leno

"A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can't learn anything about economics in the Obama White House." –Jay Leno

"President Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is going to be on David Letterman next week. Cain and Letterman on the same show. Has there ever been a worse time to be an intern?" –Jay Leno

Thursday, Dec 01, 2011

#2118

Late Night From 11/14

"Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath." –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak." –Conan O'Brien

"If we have to sit through any more of these Republican debates, I'm ready for a dictatorship." –David Letterman

"I'm thinking Herman Cain doesn't get it. He brought a date to the debate." –David Letterman

"Cain also says that he's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual." –David Letterman

"People are still talking about Rick Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp." –David Letterman

"There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something." –Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I am addicted to all the Republican Presidential candidates. They are all like crack, in that they will devastate black communities." –Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend President Obama was in Hawaii, his 'birth place.' Ha ha." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt"

10. Goodbye eggs Benedict; hello eggs Newt
9. Beatles broke up because 'Newt' couldn't get along with 'Newt'
8. Trump would be known as 'The Newt'
7. Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!
6. Santa now says, 'On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt'
5. The mother on 'How I Met Your Mother': Newt
4. When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, 'Be more specific, Newt'
3. On 'Jeopardy,' people just keep buzzing in and saying, 'Who is Newt?'
2. When you just say, 'Newt' with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey
1. You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

Friday, Dec 02, 2011

#2119

Late Night From 11/15

"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." –David Letterman

"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is so confident about his chances that he's already working on his concession speech." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, 'But not while operating heavy machinery.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, 'Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox." –Stephen Colbert

“Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” –Stephen Colbert

"It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough." –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain's campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, 'Libya, hmm,' and just sits there." –Daily Show correspondent Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During The 'Libya' Moment"

10. "Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"
9. "I told them politics was off limits"
8. "Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"
7. "Why the heck am I in Milwaukee?"
6. "Uh, 9-9-9?"
5. "What would Rick Dees do?"
4. "I'm gonna be on YouTube!"
3. "I should have called Bob Costas"
2. "These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"
1. "Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Saturday, Dec 03, 2011

#2120

Late Night From 11/16

"Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1 percent, it's the subway." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House." –Conan O'Brien

"Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members." –Conan O'Brien

"Regis Philbin is retiring this week and Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag of tennis balls. When I retire, don't tell Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"New York City police went into Zuccotti Park in a midnight raid, and the mayor rode in on his pet Chihuahua. … No more sleeping or no camping in New York City parks. Hooker, crack dealers, not a problem." –David Letterman

"The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president's salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, 'What do I care? It's not like it'll affect me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M'S Store." –Jimmy Fallon

"People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he's not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president." –Jay Leno

"Cain's only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes." –Jay Leno

"People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here." –Jay Leno

"Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don't we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We're not using them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in Australia. When he's in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion." –Craig Ferguson

"Last week President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he's in Australia. Next week he's in Indonesia. I think he watched the Republican debates and went, 'This is going to be a piece of cake,' and went on vacation" –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Dec 04, 2011

#2121

Late Night From 11/17

"Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he's going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out." –Jay Leno

"At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it's starting to look really bad for his seventh term." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend, a guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him. He said, 'I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates.'" –David Letterman

"In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You're next, people who use the internet at the public library." –Craig Ferguson

"The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn't easy. He had to ask the Republicans for permission first." –Craig Ferguson

"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Dec 05, 2011

#2122

Late Night From 11/18

"Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair." –David Letterman

"I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, 'I can't remember. Am I good or bad at debates?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that." –Jay Leno

"A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media." –Jay Leno

"Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked 'No Country for Old Men.' Rick Perry chose 'Clueless.' Michele Bachmann chose 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and Herman Cain chose 'Snatch.'" –Jay Leno

"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon

"In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis' last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis' fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Dec 06, 2011

#2123

Late Night From 11/21

"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?" –David Letterman

"President Obama will pardon the turkeys. Unless of course the Republicans step in and block that." –David Letterman

"If you think about it in certain terms, Obama has had a good year. First bin Laden, then Moammar Gadhafi. Next, Robert Wagner." –David Letterman

"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, 'Well, if he's found guilty.'" –Jay Leno

"It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale." –Jay Leno

"Don't worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee." –Jay Leno

"President Obama came home after a 9-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states." –Jimmy Fallon

"Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Dec 07, 2011

#2124

Late Night From 11/22
Part 1

"Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses"
10. 'Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee'
9. 'Got distracted by Congress' new 'Donkey Kong' machine'
8. 'Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces'
7. 'When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie'
6. 'Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez'
5. 'It's the curse of the chupacabra'
4. 'We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses'
3. 'It's Robert Wagner's fault'
2. 'Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done'
1. 'President Santorum will figure it out'

Thursday, Dec 08, 2011

#2125

Late Night From 11/22
Part 2

"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman

"Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us." –Jay Leno

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