Jokes of the day

2001 - 2100

Thursday, Aug 04, 2011

#2001

Late Night From 07/21
Part 1

"When you're a gay couple getting married, who gets the bachelor party? Who goes downstairs in the middle of the night to check on the noise? Who forgets the anniversary? Who refuses to stop and ask for directions? And which one of you will take forever to get ready?" –David Letterman

"In 1969 we put a man on the moon. Today the best we can do is x-ray Kim Kardashian's ass. And someday we'll celebrate the 40th anniversary of that." –David Letterman

"Weather experts say that 1 million square miles of the U.S. are under a 'heat dome.' But don't worry — we have plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math." –Jimmy Fallon

"Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat – a seat that will soon be repossessed." –Craig Ferguson

‎"Bringing gay history into our classrooms teaches our children a dangerous lesson: that gay people exist." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, Aug 05, 2011

#2002

Late Night From 07/21
Part 2

"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." –Jon Stewart

"The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision yesterday after Aretha Franklin boarded a flight at LAX." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, 'My grandkids will pay for it.'" –Jay Leno

"A couple of people who worked for the presidential candidate Michele Bachmann say that she gets these chronic migraines. That's been the story. To derail her candidacy a lot of people are trying to make it like it's a female thing, cause she gets these headaches. It's not. President Obama also has a chronic headache. It's called Joe Biden>." –Jay Leno

"More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?" –Jay Leno

"Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, 'We are home. We have no jobs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"NASA says that without the space shuttle, we'll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it's an extra $15 million." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage – and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards." –David Letterman

Saturday, Aug 06, 2011

#2003

Late Night From 07/22
Part 1

"What is it with this family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say 'don't retreat, reload,' they are not f*cking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal." –Bill Maher

"It was so hot in Iowa that Michele Bachmann couldn’t tell if her headache was a migraine or a brain freeze from her Slurpee." –Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, which is kind of sad because the only other person who knew Huntsman was running for president was the campaign manager." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a 'debt ceiling deal' for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, 'But if I can’t have that – iPad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

'Captain America' is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos." –Craig Ferguson

"Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time." –Craig Ferguson

"Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president." –Craig Ferguson

"Captain America isn’t just patriotic, he’s also a real captain in the armed forces, not a made-up captain, like Captain Crunch." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Aug 07, 2011

#2004

Late Night From 07/22
Part 2

"It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax?" –Bill Maher

"123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann's husband went in the closet just for the shade." –Bill Maher

"In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget." –Bill Maher

"After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama's calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side's policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side's policy is 'I'll be at my mother's.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?" A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?" –Bill Maher

"I'm sick of this. Every week's it's the same story. Our news is so monotonous, when Rupert Murdoch taps our phones, he just lets the machine pick up." –Bill Maher

"Did you see Rupert Murdoch testifying before parliament in London this week. And his Chinese-born ninja wife? Did you see that, when the guy had the pie and she sprung into action? That's what I call a tiger MILF. That's the mystery of Asians to me. Lightening quick with cat-like reflexes, until they get behind the wheel." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It's not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin's oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she's six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palins can't." –Bill Maher

Monday, Aug 08, 2011

#2005

Late Night From 07/25
Part 1

"A lot of people don't understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it's the ceiling for our debt." –Craig Ferguson

"We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we've got 14.3 trillion airline miles." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Aug 09, 2011

#2006

Late Night From 07/25
Part 2

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." –Jon Stewart

"My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the f**k out." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien

"My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse." –David Letterman

"The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman

Wed., Aug 10, 2011

#2007

Late Night From 07/26
Part 1

"The 'debate' we've been having? Is that what that noise out of Washington has been? It sounded like an elephant seal trying to f**k a truck." –Jon Stewart, on the debt ceiling "debate"

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart on John Boehner accusing President Obama of the largest spending binge in American history: "Which came on the heels of an almost absurdly reckless decade, unfunded wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, an unfunded trillion dollar Medicare prescription bill, and tax cuts for the wealthy that are the largest single policy contributor to our deficit; in fact, I myself voted for all of these…ahem, back to my original point!"

"The world’s saddest tangerine." –Jon Stewart on John Boehner

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over The Republicans"

10. Show up to next meeting in a Captain America uniform
9. Burn everyone a really cool mix CD
8. Bribe them with free tickets to a 'Larry the Cable Guy' show
7. Raise the debt ceiling, but do it with a fun sound effect
6. Do something about the heat
5. Swap places with another guy named Barack Obama — hey, don't miss the new reality show 'Same Name' Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on CBS!
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. Like I'm the right guy to ask for advice on winning people over
2. Don't be such a poor sport when they call him a socialist, foreign-born, radical Muslim who's trying to destroy America
1. Kill bin Laden again

Thursday, Aug 11, 2011

#2008

Late Night From 07/26
Part 2

"The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It's too bad the national debt isn't as important as football." –David Letterman

"On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood." –Conan O'Brien

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien

"The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If the debt ceiling isn't raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won't be able to pay our bills. Then we'll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Debt ceiling,' to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it's very important." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Captain America' made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"Republican Presidential Candidate John Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, Susie Wiles. This after a poll showing she has higher name recognition than he did. That's not good." –Jay Leno

The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It's not unusual to buy an entire city. We've been doing that for years. It's called Washington, D.C." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Aug 12, 2011

#2009

Late Night From 07/27
Part 1

"The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. Whole different thing from today." –Jay Leno

"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 64 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." –Jay Leno

"Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy." –Jay Leno

"Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister." –Craig Ferguson

"I guess the reason conservatives hate it when liberals play the victim card is that it distracts from the real victims: conservatives." –Jon Stewart

"I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back." –Jon Stewart

[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying iberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals."
Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."

‎"Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account."  –Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits

Saturday, Aug 13, 2011

#2010

Coming soon

Sunday, Aug 14, 2011

#2011

Late Night From 07/27
Part 2

"This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you." –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner." " –Jimmy Fallon

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's excepted to be the highest-rated episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman David Wu has resigned after being accused of unwanted sexual advances. Or as it was called in my high school, 'the Conan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion." –David Letterman

"We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again." –David Letterman

Monday, Aug 15, 2011

#2012

Late Night From 07/28
Part 1

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

"Facebook has added 'civil union' to its status updates. And next week they’re adding “whatever Michele Bachmann and her husband are up to.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That's how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money." –David Letterman

"Bill Gates, the guy who invented computers and internet porn, has designed a new toilet that uses no water whatsoever. I was going to get one, but my dog talked me out of it. In New York we call a toilet without water the subway." –David Letterman

Tueday, Aug 16, 2011

#2013

Late Night From 07/28
Part 2

"House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, 'Wait, you could have done that the whole time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There's the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can't even add up the poll numbers?" –Jay Leno

"You understand any of this? I don't understand...the Republicans have 'cut, cap, and balance.' That's no good. Of course the Democrats have their plan, "duck and cover." That doesn't work either." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." –Jay Leno

"At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, 'The Town'. Is that the best movie for Congress, "The Town"? How many think 'Dumb and Dumber' would be a better movie?" –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

Wed., Aug 17, 2011

#2014

Late Night From 07/29
Part 1

"But the doctors said to Governor Christie 'you have got to stop eating ice cream out of big five gallon tubs' and he said 'why?' And the doctor said ‘so I can examine you.'" –Bill Maher

"If the debt limit isn't lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide 'going out of business' sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!" Jay Leno

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"As they say in Washington, 'If it ain't broke, it will be by Tuesday.'" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today the House passed Boehner's version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, 'Get your ass in line.' That's what he said. Doesn't that sound like something Kim Kardashian's chiropractor would say?" –Jay Leno

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand... Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we're owned by China. Two different things." –Jay Leno

"Some big election news. It's rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned — she's like, 'We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Aug 18, 2011

#2015

Late Night From 07/29
Part 2

"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher

"Their plan is to not pay our bills and hope nobody gets too mad about it. Call me crazy, but I think the government owes an apology to Wesley Snipes. Wasn't that his plan?" –Bill Maher

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

"The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?" –Bill Maher

"By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner's plan: no tax increases and a trillion dollars in cuts. Harry Reid's paln: no tax increases, $2 trillion in cuts. This makes it very hard for the White House, because if the Democrats don’t stand up for what they believe in, how can Obama sell them out?" –Bill Maher

"Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza." –Bill Maher

"He was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He's OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet." –Bill Maher

Friday, Aug 19, 2011

#2016

Late Night From 08/01

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien

"Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money." –Conan O'Brien

"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Aug 20, 2011

#2017

Late Night From 08/02
Part 1

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'" –Jay Leno

"That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted." –Jay Leno

"They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'" –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists." –David Letterman

"The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

‎"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." –Jon Stewart

Sunday, Aug 21, 2011

#2018

Late Night From 08/02
Part 2

"The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad." –Conan O'Brien

"The debt deal calls for the formation of a 'super Congress' to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine." –Conan O'Brien

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling...so he will be 50." –Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno

"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno

Monday, Aug 22, 2011

#2019

Late Night From 08/03

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Our prayers are answered! America's own 'Legion of Doofs.'" –Jon Stewart on the new congressional Super Committee

"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." –Jay Leno

"Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?" –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else." –Jimmy Fallon

"While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman

"A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden's last words were. In a new article, they tell you: 'Come in.'" –David Letterman

"The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library." –Craig Ferguson

‎"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

Tueday, Aug 23, 2011

#2020

Late Night From 08/04
Part 1

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno

"They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'" –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"The producers of 'Dancing with the Stars' haven't told Anthony Weiner whether they're going to have him on the show. And he's a guy you don't want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony." –Conan O'Brien

"Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien

"It is completely inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Steven Cobert

‎"I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Updated his resume
9. Treated himself to piece of first lady's carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake
8. Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum
7. Pizza and video games at Washington kids' restaurant 'Chuck E. Schumer's'
6. Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars
5. Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run
4. Invited fun costumed characters
3. 'Shark Week' and two pints of Chubby Hubby
2. Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband
1. Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job

Wed., Aug 24, 2011

#2021

Late Night From 08/04
Part 2

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it's a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States." –Dave Letterman

"Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent." –David Letterman

"I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet." –David Letterman

"A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman

"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around." –Jay Leno

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Aug 25, 2011

#2022

Late Night From 08/05
Part 1

"That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?" –Bill Maher

"Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas." –Bill Maher

"In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans." –Jay Leno

"Later this month President Obama will embark on a bus tour through the Midwest that will focus on jobs. Mainly him trying to keep his." –Jay Leno

"On this day in 1861, the federal income tax went into effect. Actually, what happened was, back in those days there were lots of armed robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them all up – thus forming I.R.S. as we know it today." –Jay Leno

"I have some bad news for the Chinese; that money we were going to pay you back with, turns out we had it in the stock market. Tough break." –Jay Leno

"Some good news; after one of the worst weeks in 30 years the market slightly recovered today. Up 60 points! Sixty points! In fact, economists say if we can do that every day for the next 200 years we'll be back to where we were last week. So that's fantastic." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Man, it's been a tough time for the economy, but this week, President Obama declared that quote 'things will get better.' Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Aug 26, 2011

#2023

Late Night From 08/05
Part 2

"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'" –Bill Maher

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There's a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don't know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is willing to be 52." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers." –Bill Maher

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party." –Bill Maher

Saturday, Aug 27, 2011

#2024

Late Night From 08/08
Part 1

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." –Conan O'Brien

"Standard & Poor’s has lowered our credit rating to AA, which means no one will lend us money or go to 2nd base with us." –Conan O'Brien

"The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo." –Conan O'Brien

"Standard & Poor’s has downgraded us from AAA to AA+. We have to take a note home and have our parents sign it. Don’t pull anything out of the stock market until 12:45 tomorrow. By then I should be over international waters." –Steven Cobert

"America gets a double A plus? The only other countries with that rating are Belgium and New Zealand. That's us now. Waffle-eating kiwis, putting mayonnaise on our French fries with a serious Hobbit infestation." –Stephen Colbert

"If the Lord can turn water into wine, surely he can turn debt into wine – which is good, because we're gonna need a drink." –Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Aug 28, 2011

#2025

Late Night From 08/08
Part 2

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." –Daily Show tweet

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." –Jay Leno

"Standard and Poor's has also warned there's a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay." –Jay Leno

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno

"The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Aug 29, 2011

#2026

Late Night From 08/09
Part 1

"Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I'd be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don't." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last 'Harry Potter' movie." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That's when you know it's bad, when even you look surprised you're running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies." –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a small fire today at President Obama's vacation home in Martha's Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, 'Darn! That's where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Aug 30, 2011

#2027

Late Night From 08/09
Part 2

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." –Jon Stewart

"I look at that picture and say, isn't that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?" –Jon Stewart

"Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won't talk to us." –Jay Leno

"Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there." –Jay Leno

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

Wed., Aug 31, 2011

#2028

Late Night From 08/10
Part 1

"Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by 'own it' I mean rent it." –Daily Show "senior black correspondent" Larry Wilmore

‎"Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim." –Stephen Colbert, on the Obama campaign's apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as "weird"

Thursday, Sept 01, 2011

#2029

Late Night From 08/10
Part 2

"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation." –Jay Leno

"Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno

"There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game." –Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes." –Conan O'Brien

"Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Sept 02, 2011

#2030

Late Night From 08/11
Part 1

‎"Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

‎"We need God's forgiveness -- or at least China's." –Stephen Colbert

"It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds." –Jay Leno

"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?" –Jay Leno

"Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. You know why? Look who owes them all the money. They know we don't have it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he's being modest. He deserves a little credit." –Jay Leno

"Finally some good news: the price of gas is going down. They say it could soon be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. It's the trifecta of the recession!" –Jay Leno

"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno

"According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It's true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven't heard in years: English." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Sept 03, 2011

#2031

Late Night From 08/11
Part 1

‎"Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

‎"We need God's forgiveness -- or at least China's." –Stephen Colbert

"It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds." –Jay Leno

"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?" –Jay Leno

"Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. You know why? Look who owes them all the money. They know we don't have it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he's being modest. He deserves a little credit." –Jay Leno

"Finally some good news: the price of gas is going down. They say it could soon be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. It's the trifecta of the recession!" –Jay Leno

"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno

"According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It's true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven't heard in years: English." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Sept 04, 2011

#2032

Late Night From 08/11
Part 2

"Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage." –Conan O'Brien

"The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, 'Being carjacked, LOL.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money." –Jimmy Fallon

"After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." –Jon Stewart

‎"[Megyn Kelly] used to hate entitlement programs, mandated benefits and things like that. See if you can spot the difference between Megyn Kelly coming off of maternity leave and some of her earlier work." –Jon Stewart  (Watch video clip)

‎"Never get between a Mama Grizzly and her maternity leave." –Jon Stewart on Megyn Kelly

"Corporations are people. It's time to remake 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled." –Steven Cobert, on Mitt Romney's declaration that "corporations are people"

"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." –Stephen Colbert

Monday, Sept 05, 2011

#2033

Late Night From 08/12

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'" –Jay Leno

"A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Sept 06, 2011

#2034

Late Night From 08/15 Part 1

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Steven Cobert

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

[Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon Stewart: "And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor."

"Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy?" –Jon Stewart on Rick Perry

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart

"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart

"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

Wed., Sept 07, 2011

#2035

Late Night From 08/15 Part 2

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il." –Conan O'Brien

"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Sept 08, 2011

#2036

Late Night From 08/16

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology." –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is calling Obama's bus tour the 'Magical Misery Tour,' which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama’s bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

Friday, Sept 09, 2011

#2037

Late Night From 08/17

"President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Steven Cobert

‎"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." -- Stephen Colbert

‎"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'" –Jon Stewart

Saturday, Sept 10, 2011

#2038

Late Night From 08/18

"I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas." –Craig Ferguson

"There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

"The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno." –David Letterman

"When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, 'Just shoot me.'" –David Letterman

"Top Ten Thought’s That Went Through Letterman’s Mind After Hearing About the Threat"

10. “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line”
9. “Nothing says summer like a death threat”
8. “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7. “Save me, Oprah”
6. “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5. “And here I thought nobody watched the show”
4. “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3. “Some people get Emmy nominations, some people get death threats”
2. “This seems like Leno’s handiwork”
1. “Oh my God! They canceled ‘The George Lopez Show’”

Sunday, Sept 11, 2011

#2039

Late Night From 08/19

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called 'You Might Want to Skip This.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Sept 12, 2011

#2040

Late Night From 08/24

"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson

"No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake"

10. "That was the scariest two seconds of my life!"
9. "It's lootin' time"
8. "Hey, you forgot your champagne"
7. "5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in"
6. "These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin' my world"
5. "My hiccups are gone"
4. "Wheeeeee"
3. "Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency"
2. "Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery"
1. "Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!"

Tueday, Sept 13, 2011

#2041

Late Night From 08/25

"They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. " –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Sept 14, 2011

#2042

Late Night From 08/26

"President Obama’s popularity is slipping while he’s on vacation. When he went for a walk on the beach, the tide went out." –David Letterman

"Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast waiting for Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They’re called Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, 'heads will be exploding.' When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?" –David Letterman

"The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that." –David Letterman

"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

"After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

Thursday, Sep 15, 2011

#2043

Late Night From 08/29

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn't have one of those?" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy." –David Letterman

"Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too." –Jay Leno

"Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back." –Jay Leno

"They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years." –Jay Leno

"New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned." –Jay Leno

"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno

"Vice PresidentJoe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'" –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy Birthday to John McCain, who turned 75 years old today! A lot has changed since he was born. Back then a dollar was worth 20 cents. Today, it's not worth nearly that much." –Jimmy Fallon

"Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote 'heads exploding' in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the '20s. On Friday the world's oldest woman celebrated her 115th birthday in Georgia. John McCain said, 'Irene!?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Sep 16, 2011

#2044

Late Night From 08/30

"Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive." –Jay Leno

"This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time." –Jay Leno

"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It's like I have a twin." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'" –David Letterman

"If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out." –Craig Ferguson

"Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'" –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Sep 17, 2011

#2045

Late Night From 08/31

"President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"I read Dick Cheney's book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can't we pray that away?" –David Letterman

"The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?" –David Letterman

"The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Sep 18, 2011

#2046

Late Night From 09/01

"New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise." –David Letterman

"After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you're looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the 'Mac n' Cheese Big Daddy Patty' from Denny's." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Labor Day Weekend Plans"

10. Unwind after his two-week vacation
9. A backyard barbecue with the guy who forged his birth certificate
8. Flip through Gadhafi's sexy photos of Condi
7. Resist cigarette cravings by chewing on charcoal briquettes
6. Hire goons to rough up Mitt Romney
5. Grill up some of Michelle's delicious kale paste
4. Update his resume
3. Hillbilly Handfishin'
2. Pretty much whatever the Republicans tell him he can do
1. Sit around bonfire reading scary passages from Dick Cheney's memoir

Monday, Sep 19, 2011

#2047

Late Night From 09/02

"'The White House agreed to move President Obama's speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe." –Jay Leno

"Obama caved again when 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' called and said, 'Our show is on at that time.'" –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's book is an inside look at what it's like to be president — uh, vice president." –Jay Leno

"A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!" –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's memoir, 'Eat, Pray, Waterboard,' has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"Obama's approval rating is 38 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that." –David Letterman

"Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I'm sure that will sail right through." –David Letterman

"Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?" –David Letterman

Tueday, Sep 20, 2011

#2048

Late Night From 09/05

"For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend." –Jay Leno

"New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?" –Jay Leno

"Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That's what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here's the cool part: They're using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'Teach me, sensei.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Labor Day, you're supposed to put away your white clothes. I hope someone tells Moammar Gadhafi it would be bad to wave the white flag today." –Craig Ferguson

"Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Sep 21, 2011

#2049

Late Night From 09/06

"The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama." –Jay Leno

"Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don't think it will be a big speech." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't receive the report in the mail for another two years." –Conan O'Brien

"The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush's niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush's presidency." –David Letterman

"Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden's Corvette is pretty sweet – cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control." –Jimmy Fallon

"A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives." –Jimmy Fallon

"The fact that you're out of money makes you relatable to so many Americans right now." –Stephen Cobert to Tim Pawlenty

Thursday, Sep 22, 2011

#2050

Late Night From 09/07 Part 1

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation." –Jay Leno

"The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand." –Jay Leno

"Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, 'You've got to be kidding me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs." –Stephen Cobert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around"

10. Change name to UPS
9. Invent a stamp that licks back
8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes
7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from 'Star Wars'
6. If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free
5. Bedazzled uniforms
4. New hit reality show: 'Real Mailmen of New Jersey'
3. Customers can now pay with gas or grass
2. Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night
1. Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions

Friday, Sep 23, 2011

#2051

Late Night From 09/07 Part 2

"Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama's jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there's already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house." –Conan O'Brien

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back." –Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin." –David Letterman

"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs." –David Letterman

"President Obama's approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there's a silver lining." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don't like you three times a week?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Sep 24, 2011

#2052

Late Night From 09/08 Part 1

"Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said she could get us back to $2 gas. Please. The only place we’ll ever see that again is at Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, "Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no ponzi..." –Jay Leno

"Earlier this evening President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So what we had tonight was a guy whose job nobody approves of, giving a speech about jobs that don't exist, to people who don't have any jobs. So it's a real positive, uplifting..." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn't it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of 'Sanford and Son?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Sep 25, 2011

#2053

Late Night From 09/08 Part 2

"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing." –David Letterman

"They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river." –David Letterman

"I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep." –David Letterman

"You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported." –Conan O'Brien

"Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair 'Secretary of Handsome.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Fun fact about Rick Perry: In high school, voted most likely to execute 200 people." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'" –Jay Leno

"Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?" –Jay Leno

"Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library." –Jay Leno

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"The cool thing about the Reagan Library is that they have Reagan's Air Force One plane parked inside. That's about as close to Air Force One as any of them are going to get." –Jay Leno

Monday, Sep 26, 2011

#2054

Late Night From 09/09

"President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected." –Jay Leno

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare TV appearance yesterday. He said everyone keeps reporting that he's dead, but he's actually alive and well. He said he went on TV, basically to prove he's still alive. It's pretty much the same reason President Obama was on TV last night. 'I'm still here! I've got your jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"In his speech President Obama called the plan the 'American Jobs Act.' It sounds a lot better than the original title, the 'Save My Ass Act.'" –Jay Leno

"Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents.'" –Jay Leno

"Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin." –Jay Leno

"In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, 'In fact, I'll do it right now. OK, I hate it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy f**kballs." –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

Tueday, Sep 27, 2011

#2055

Late Night From 09/12

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you." –Conan O'Brien

"In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno

"Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet." –Jimmy Fallon

"His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget. " –Stephen Colbert

‎"You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans." –Jon Stewart>

Wed., Sep 28, 2011

#2056

Late Night From 09/13

"Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended." –Jay Leno

"There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN." –Jay Leno

"During the Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America's dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, 'Trust me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross's vagina. Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick Perry." –Jon Stewart>

"My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else." –Stephen Colbert

"Anderson Cooper is on CNN, “60 Minutes” and now daytime TV. He’s like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson’s a serious journalist. He's been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and 'The View.'" –Craig Ferguson

"People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning." –Craig Ferguson

"Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson 'Tonight Show' when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now." –Craig Ferguson

"People are saying Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Sep 29, 2011

#2057

Late Night From 09/14

"The Democrats lost a seat they've held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, 'At least President Obama created one new job.'" –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point." –Jay Leno

"After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials." –Jay Leno

"Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn't that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney's campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It's called, 'Vote for Mitt Romney or else you'll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor." –Conan O'Brien

"A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, 'Hey, no rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Dick Cheney dropped in on the ladies on 'The View,' where he displayed his heart pump. Oh no, his frailty is sapping my will to make fun of his vile service record. [Clip of Alec Guinness in 'Star Wars' saying, 'He's more machine than human.'] –Jon Stewart>

Friday, Sep 30, 2011

#2058

Late Night From 09/15

"That custom-tailored Obama scandal you ordered is finally here. Solyndra, which received $535 million in federal loan guarantees, has gone bankrupt. … Does the failure of one company discredit the idea of an entire green energy economy? Of course not. But, if in, say, 1936 you spoke about the growing importance of air travel in front of the...Hindenberg, you'd be right about the future of air travel, but you'd still be on f**king fire." –Jon Stewart

"Fox News, call your doctor, because the erection you now have is going to last much longer than 4 hours." –Jon Stewart

"Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say the solar panels are bad, but they absorb less sunlight than John Boehner." –Jay Leno

"I had a terrible dream last night - I dreamed my cat was sick and the only veterinarian in town was Ron Paul and I didn't have my proof of pet insurance card. It was awful." –Jay Leno

NASA now says the bright streak of light seen in the skies over the southwest United States was a meteor. Witnesses say it dazzled brightly, then flamed out quickly - kind of like Obama's presidency.

"A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating Rice says she quit before the second half. And it's getting catty. She's now calling him Minute Rice." –Jay Leno

"Last night in the Rose Garden, President Obama had a beer with a Medal of Honor winner. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden had a beer with a 'World of Warcraft' winner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together in a restaurant in Arizona. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen. Then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did 'Biggie and Tupac.' The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Oct 01, 2011

#2059

Late Night From 09/16 Part 1

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said  she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.” –Bill Maher

“Trying to get today's Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.” –Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"If a person contributes just $5 to President Obama's campaign, that person will become eligible to win a private dinner with the president. But if you win, you're buying." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Oct 02, 2011

#2060

Late Night From 09/16 Part 2

“I’ve been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, ‘I don’t believe in evolution.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry is the frontrunner and they love him because he's authentic. You got to give him that. He is a real asshole.” –Bill Maher

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“There's a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry’s decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it's a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

Monday, Oct 03, 2011

#2061

Late Night From 09/19

"President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America." –Jay Leno

"Obama said Americans feel things aren't fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That's an inspiring campaign speech." –Jay Leno

"Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies." –Jay Leno

"More and more information coming out about our other presidential candidates. Like, did you know that Mitt Romney's real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Well, thank god he had the good sense to change it to "Mitt." That's so much more accessible than Will." –Jay Leno

"An article in the paper says today that Rick Perry is just 'George Bush 2.0.' To which Bush said '2.0? I wish I did that well in school. Those are my dream grades." –Jay Leno

"This week, the U.S. military will formally end it's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." –David Letterman

"At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers." –David Letterman

"Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren't Iraq or Korea." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan"

10. Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn
9. New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!
8. Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee
7. Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays
6. From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents
5. Change the definition of the word 'deficit'
4. Seniors must wait until they're 112 before they can collect Social Security
3. Open more post offices — those places are money machines!
2. Congressmen must pay hookers in cash
1. Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it's like found money

Tueday, Oct 04, 2011

#2062

Late Night From 09/21 Part 1

"Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I've seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, 'Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.'" –Jon Stewart, on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

"Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory." –Stevie Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda"

10. Screw with the Swedes
9. Recap highlights from last night's 'Two and a Half Men'
8. Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens
7. Pass resolution that Steve Carell 'was robbed' at the Emmys
6. Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years
5. Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay
4. Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called 'Two Broke Countries'
3. Do whatever China says
2. Congratulate whatever country came up with the 'Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' books, because those were awesome
1. Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Wed., Oct 05, 2011

#2063

Late Night From 09/21 Part 2

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker." –David Letterman

"A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he's still in power, and just 'temporarily' going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is 'temporarily' closing its doors." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it's important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they're the ones that have all of our jobs." –Craig Ferguson

"The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don't mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. 'I really like an open-toed espadrille." –Craig Ferguson

"Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All of a sudden, I'm feeling OK about Borders going out of business." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Oct 06, 2011

#2064

Late Night From 09/21 Part 3

"Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical." –David Letterman

"The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven't heard one of them yell, 'It was consensual!'" –David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents." –David Letterman

"The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they're expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They've already taken $535 million." –Jay Leno

"Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you're gay and you don't want to join the military and they reinstate the draft." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote 'in a New York state of mind.' Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ''Movin' Out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

Sept. 20, 2011

"Don't Ask Don't Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home." –Jay Leno

"The military's policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is officially over. Don't confuse this with President Obama's economic policy, which is 'don't ask, I don't want to talk about it.'" –Jay Leno

"Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

Friday, Oct 07, 2011

#2065

Late Night From 09/22 Part 1

"First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of 'Extreme Home Makeover' on Sunday. The good news is, she'll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it's the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new memoir that will focus on his career as a body builder, action star, and politician. You can find it in that section at Barnes & Noble marked 'Trying to Change the Subject.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn't just show up every day." –Craig Ferguson

"The animal rights group PETA is launching a porn web site to promote their cause. This is a terrible idea. It’s only going to lead to monkey spanking, chicken choking, goose strangling, gopher whacking … " –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate"

10. Yeah, I killed a guy
9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?
8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies
7. If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians
6. I don't know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel
5. Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can't kill the pig with the mustache
4. It's-a-not-so bad, it's-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face
3. Hey, Republican spelled backwards is 'Nacilbuper'
2. As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . .'
1. Senior citizens can bite my a**

Saturday, Oct 08, 2011

#2066

Late Night From 09/22 Part 2

"There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno

"Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –Conan O'Brien

"At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"The Tea Party has formed a debt supercommittee that will meet this week at a Denny's. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny's will be interested in trimming fat." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was in town speaking at the U.N. General Assemble. He said he's very proud of three things: No. 1: Bin Laden dead; No. 2: Gadhafi toppled; and No. 3: Regis fired." –David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the U.N. He was arrested for hiking in Iran." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Oct 09, 2011

#2067

Late Night From 09/23 Part 1

"The next time you hear anyone say 'job creator,' I want you to picture [The Situation from Jersey Shore]. Yes, The Situation made $5 million dollars last year, and if he has to pay a little more in taxes, it won't mean he's creating fewer jobs. It will mean a tiny fraction of his money actually pays for the government that works to keep him alive. The EPA that contains his oil runoff. The Postal Service that delivers his body wax. The Bureau of Weights and Measures who weigh his dumbbells. The Centers for Disease Control that provides a steady supply of penicillin. And the military, who keep the Taliban away. Because if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you're looking at him." –Bill Maher

"It's the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, 'the end of global warming.'" –Jay Leno

"The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama." –David Letterman

"The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees." –David Letterman

"They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there’s construction on the FDR. It's plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele Bachmann’s campaign." –David Letterman

"Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race 'more exciting.' Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Oct 10, 2011

#2068

Late Night From 09/23 Part 2

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher on Rick Perry’s poor showing at the Republican debate

"He sounded like a sixth grader who didn't do the reading – garbled syntax, messing up simple facts, sentences that went nowhere. Sarah Palin was watching and she said, 'If only he was black, I'd f**k him."

"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Palin's doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, they asked her at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, 'I didn't make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It's one thing to say you don't believe en evolution, you don't believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in video tape." –Bill Maher

"After the debate husband Marcus was comforting her. He said, 'Honey, you can't publicly deny something about yourself that everyone else can see is true." –Bill Maher

Tueday, Oct 11, 2011

#2069

Late Night From 09/26

"You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?" –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

"It's like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, "You know, there's something wrong with this mirror." –Jon Stewart

"Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called 'Operation Vote.' Great, just what old people need – another operation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs
9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'
8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter
7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters
6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'
5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry
4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran
3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button
2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'
1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

Wed., Oct 12, 2011

#2070

Late Night From 09/27 Part 1

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl's bike to work." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden was a guest on 'The View' today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for 'Hot Topics,' Biden was like, 'The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Chris Christie Were President"

10. Al-Qaida taunts America with 'Your president's so fat' jokes
9. Goodbye White House vegetable garden
8. Cabinet will now have a Secretary of Cake
7. New state: Fatbuttachusetts
6. Congress does whatever he wants, because fat guys are, like, super-strong when they freak out
5. Presidential retreat moved from Camp David to Hershey Park
4. Taxpayers would have to pay for the president's second seat on Air Force One
3. New national anthem: the 'Chili's baby back ribs' song
2. Instead of Iraq, we'd invade IHOP
1. Scandal when president is caught in Oval Office with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee

Thursday, Oct 13, 2011

#2071

Late Night From 09/27 Part 2

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they're trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they're in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies." –David Letterman

"There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that's it." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he's taking the divorce well. ... They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black." –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore

"It was sweet to elect the first black president, but what would be even sweeter would be to see the first black president kicked out of office by the second black president. It could happen, he [Herman Cain] just kicked Rick Perry's Caucasian ass up and down the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. … You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and f**ks you." –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore, on former Godfather's Pizza CEO and GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno

"President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill." –Jay Leno

Friday, Oct 14, 2011

#2072

Late Night From 09/28

"If you donate $5 to President Obama's re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's all part of the president's plan to get the country gambling again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, they've dropped the price from $5 to $3. It's the first presidential groupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can't make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can't fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it's not worth bending over for, it's not worth making." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Oct 15, 2011

#2073

Late Night From 09/29

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman

"If he does run and he is elected, say good bye to the White House garden and say hello to the White House Olive Garden." –David Letterman

"Perfect fit: Oval Office, oval president." –David Letterman

"The Obama campaign is offering a chance to win dinner with the president for $3. This would explain his new campaign slogan: 'Hey, I'm cheaper than Arby's.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as 'rock solid.' It probably didn't help that he then added, 'As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him 'the Antichrist.' The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let's not set that bar too high." –Jay Leno

"Republican students at Berkeley held a bake sale to publicize their views on affirmative action. Prices were based on a customer's race and gender. White males paid $2 for a cupcake. Black males, 75 cents. And women got 25 cents off. Minority students held a competing bake sale where they pointed out if a white male gets caught stealing a cupcake he gets a slap on the wrist. A woman gets to keep it. And a black man gets 25 years in prison." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Oct 16, 2011

#2074

Late Night From 09/30

"A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish." –Jay Leno

"When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it's OK, as long as they don't get married." –Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia has given women the right to vote, but there's a catch. The only form of ID accepted at the polling station: Driver's licenses." –Jay Leno

"Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there's one state that is known for organized, reliable voting . . ." –Craig Ferguson

"First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled – not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in Arkansas are looking for a man who breaks into homes and sucks the toes of sleeping women. They believe he’s either an escaped mental patient or a former President of the United States. [In Clinton voice] 'Take off your slippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap." –David Letterman

"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman

‎"Nothing says democracy like a royal decree." –Jon Stewart on Saudi Arabia letting women participate in elections

"I love Nascar. It answers the age-old question, 'What if my box of Tide could go two hundred miles an hour?'" –Stephen Colbert

‎"So what if Rick Perry threw up all over himself? George H.W. Bush threw up all over himself and the Prime Minister of Japan." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign"

10. Get a cool nickname, like Rick 'The Refrigerator' Perry
9. Promise no immigration law will ever deport Sofia Vergara
8. Vampire running mate
7. A little mascara would bring out his gorgeous eyes
6. Gain 400 pounds and become the governor of New Jersey
5. Hold contest where one lucky winner gets to be executed by Perry
4. Party like a rock star, dude
3. Appear on the 'Late Show' — everyone knows the road to the White House goes through Dave
2. Have one of them Nancy Grace 'wardrobe malfunctions'
1. Figure out what the heck happened to the Red Sox

Monday, Oct 17, 2011

#2075

Late Night From 10/03

"Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?" –Jay Leno

"Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about these Republican candidates. Did you know Mitt Romney speaks French...did you know that? Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. Of course, Michele Bachmann was never able to learn a second language, thanks to a vaccine she was given against her will as a child." –Jay Leno 

"That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don't often see an American taking a foreigner's job." –Jay Leno

"Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man for allegedly planning to blow up the Pentagon and the Capitol by using radio-controlled model airplanes filled with explosives. Is this the best the terrorists have now? Using toys? What is Wile E. Coyote joined Al Qaeda. What's next? Maybe a batch of poison cookies cooked from an EZ Bake oven?" –Jay Leno

"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn't find a sitter for Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida's magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida's magazine, he worked for 'Carbomb and Driver.'" –David Letterman

"It's the third week of the Wall Street protests and they've closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." –Craig Ferguson
"There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Oct 18, 2011

#2076

Late Night From 10/04

"As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'" –Jon Stewart

"Even if Republican voters know who the real Mitt Romney is, Mitt Romney doesn't." –Jon Stewart

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don't think you have to announce that, I think you just don't run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only did Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Christie made a big announcement this afternoon. I haven't watched it yet because I don't want to know. I'm going to pretend he announced that he's the new iPhone." –Stephen Colbert

"A dead cat might still be more appealing than Mitt Romney. After all, a dead cat did not create the model for Obamacare." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President"

10. As always, he's following his gut
9. Wants to spend more time with pie
8. There isn't a Quiznos within five miles of the White House
7. Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut
6. Doesn't own a tie without a mustard stain
5. He was advised against it by his closest confidante, Duncan Hines
4. Constitution requires every candidate to be able to see their feet
3. Can't understand response because of chewing
2. Hank Williams, Jr. just compared him to Stalin
1. He was born in Kenya

Wed., Oct 19, 2011

#2077

Late Night From 10/06

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has no punch line." –David Letterman

"Another huge setback for the Obama campaign today. Sarah Palin is not running for President. Couldn't find her birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, 'Why didn't you tell me that three years ago?'" –Jay Leno

"Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won't be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno

"The Federal Reserve Chairman said the recovery was in danger of foundering. Most Americans weren't even aware there was a recovery." –Jay Leno

"Last night Sarah Palin released a letter announcing that she will not run for president in 2012. That's right, Sarah Palin wrote a letter — which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Oct 20, 2011

#2078

Late Night From 10/07 Part 1

"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." –Jay Leno

"Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president." –Jay Leno

"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." –Jay Leno

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin won't run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?" –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running for president." –David Letterman

"And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …" –David Letterman

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, 'Maybe I will run for president!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, 'Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'" " –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Oct 21, 2011

#2079

Late Night From 10/07 Part 2

"Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said 'Look at me. Do I look like I'm ready to race anyone?'" –Bill Maher

"Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn." –Seth Meyers

"On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment." –Seth Meyers

"Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Oct 22, 2011

#2080

Late Night From 10/10 Part 1

"The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?" –Jay Leno

"We found out why Sarah Palin won't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years." –Jay Leno

"I say let all the troops shower together: straight men, gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we'd have the cleanest troops in the world." –Jay Leno

"Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again - on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that's true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight." –Jay Leno

"Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?" –Jay Leno

"There's a secret panel in Washington that can order any American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only way we can get Nancy Grace off 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Columbus Said When He Arrived In America"

10. "What should we do first — unpack or hit the bar?"
9. "Who wants smallpox?"
8. "What do you mean the Pinta lost my luggage?"
7. "One day they'll name the whole country after me — or, at least, a city in Ohio"
6. "Amerigo Vespucci can s**k it!"
5. "I can see, like, 15 Starbucks from here"
4. "Mama mia, that's a spicy new world!"
3. "Where my dawgs at?"
2. "I hope I'm not too late to pre-order the iPhone 4S"
1. "I wonder who Regis has on the show tomorrow?"

Sunday, Oct 23, 2011

#2081

Late Night From 10/10 Part 2

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we've exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less." –Conan O'Brien

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

"Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog." –David Letterman

"Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches." –David Letterman

"Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, 'Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans call that, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: 'Yes, it could smell any worse.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?" –Jay Leno

"Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish – as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish." –Jay Leno

Monday, Oct 24, 2011

#2082

Late Night From 10/11 Part 1

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"For tonight's debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer." –David Letterman

"The Washington Post says that President Obama is not a people person, and is a neurotic loner without any friends. It's like I have a twin." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate." –David Letterman

"A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don't have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan." –Jay Leno

"San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof - why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don't go there." –Jay Leno

"Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That's like the Chinese winning for child day care." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Oct 25, 2011

#2083

Late Night From 10/11 Part 2

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job." –Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"At tonight's Republican debate, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese." –Jimmy Fallon

"Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake i.d., not to say you're Chinese, just to say you're under 10 years old." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of 'less government, more toppings' has been well received." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Oct 26, 2011

#2084

Late Night From 10/12 Part 1

"When the check came, Obama was like, 'Do you guys want to split this five ways?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It's all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters." –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn't get any lower." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry's advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate." –Jay Leno

"At one point, Rick Aantorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, 'Just shut up and sit down.'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney"

10. Romney sounds like pastrami
9. Perry wouldn't let him fry eggs on the Texas electric chair
8. Two liters of Shop Rite root beer and a king size Snickers did the trick
7. If elected, Romney said he'd overturn rule requiring enormous people to buy extra airplane seat
6. Needed something to do between lunch and second lunch
5. Acting on direct orders from Colonel Sanders
4. It was a close call between him and Rick Santorum -- just kidding
3. Mistook Mitt's repeated 'bi-partisan' references to mean two kinds of cheese
2. Movie star good lucks -- who could resist?
1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt

Thursday, Oct 27, 2011

#2085

Late Night From 10/12 Part 2

"You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed." –David Letterman

"They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one." –David Letterman

"The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, 'Who am I?'" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry's exhausted. He's having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!" –David Letterman

"President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street." –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news." –Conan O'Brien

"Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?" –Craig Ferguson

"The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time." –Craig Ferguson

"The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump's hair and set it on fire." –Craig Ferguson

"If I was in New York, I'd probably participate in this. Well, first I'd see 'Jersey Boys.'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, 'Oh, you'll see.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Oct 28, 2011

#2086

Late Night From 10/13 Part 1

"This morning on the 'Today' show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him 'dad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president's not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H." –Conan O'Brien

"Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right." –David Letterman

"The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it's too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday. … You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there's a letter 'S' on it, how bad could things be?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Michele O'Bachmann Said During Her Trip To New York City"

10. 'A pigeon just nested in my hair'
9. 'Will the Holland Tunnel take me to Holland?'
8. 'Where does Batman live?'
7. 'Hold on, I'm getting a text from Anthony Weiner'
6. 'Where are the Jews?'
5. 'He has to be the tiniest mayor ever'
4. 'It's such an honor to be here in The Windy City'
3. 'If you won't endorse me, Mr. Trump, would you consider me for 'Celebrity Apprentice'?'
2. 'They've got more hookers here than a congressional Christmas party'
1. 'There goes Letterman . . . Get him!'

Saturday, Oct 29, 2011

#2087

Late Night From 10/13 Part 2

"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They're apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn't said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he's had several meetings with Papa John." –Jay Leno

"The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them." –Jay Leno

"White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he'll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Oct 30, 2011

#2087

Late Night From 10/14 Part 1

"Now there's a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There's a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don't pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they're fucking broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is, 'let's bend over and take it America!'" –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they're out here having sex outside at night – the only man in America who's make Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they're practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees." –Bill Maher

"Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda." –David Letterman

"Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show." –David Letterman

"Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come out of nowhere to become the new front-runner. And believe me, Mitt Romney is worried. He's sweating like Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it's hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he's taken every position." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years." –Jay Leno

"Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding." –Jay Leno

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Oct 31, 2011

#2088

Late Night From 10/14 Part 2

"Big news in the Republican ranks, there is a new front-runner: Herman Cain. The Republican establishment is freaking out because their token black guy is in the lead now. It's like an episode of Star Trek where the black guy beams down to the planet and lives." –Bill Maher

"You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He's in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donal Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He's been led a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That's gotta hurt a little." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain's plan to save the economy is '9-9-9.' He keeps saying it every day like the Count on Sesame Street. Well, this week we finally found out where he got it from. Not from an economist. He got it up from the guy who works at his local Wells Fargo branch. Literally, it's like he went down to deposit checks, and the teller said, 'Can I help with anything else?' And he said, 'Yeah, can you re-write the tax code?'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn't know where the 'Shot Heard 'Round the World' took place, Sarah Palin doesn't know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn't know that 1776 happened in the 1700's. These aren't gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if was a child, you'd leave him behind." –Bill Maher

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

Tueday, Nov 01, 2011

#2089

Late Night From 10/17

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said her daughters watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, 'If I want to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

‎"Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart

‎"Today, the Colbert Super PAC officially endorses Hermain Cain for president -- unless you're not into him, in which case, I'm just joking." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head." –Stephen Colbert

"It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is going to be a guest on 'The Tonight Show' with Jay Leno. I'm surprised, because his popularity is at an all-time low. And there are people in the streets marching against him. So it's nice of President Obama to help him out." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Nov 02, 2011

#2090

Late Night From 10/21

"Out badass ninja black president did it again. Don't f**k with this guy. So far this year he's killed Somali pirates, he killed bin Laden, he killed al-Awlaki,, now he's killed Gaddafi. The only threat to our way now is from Bank of America." –Bill Maher

"Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow." –Bill Maher

"And you know what, if he did smother Castro with a pillow in a nurse's uniform, Rush Limbaugh would say, 'See, socialized medicine.'" –Bill Maher

"They found Gaddafi in a hole with a gun and luggage, or as it's known here, the middle class." –Bill Maher

"They say now that Gaddafi is dead and Michael Jackson is gone, we have enough over-the-top military uniforms to outfit an entire gay army." –Bill Maher

"The end of the war in Libya is good news for Obama and good news for Michele Bachmann. Now she doesn't have to find out where it is." –Bill Maher

"These Republicans, they will not give credit. They gave credit to the rebels, to the British, and to the French. But they would not mention the president. It was like they were on a game show and the password was 'Obama.' They're like the banks; they will not give a black man credit." –Bill Maher, on Gaddafi's death

“In their world, Gaddafi died of natural causes, Bin Laden was shot in the face by the free market. You should've heard them, we went in too strong, everything they could’ve said that he did wrong. It's like there’s some kind of hidden Republican clitoris, that they won’t let Obama find, and whenever he tries, they're like 'that’s not it!'" –Bill Maher

"I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway." –Bill Maher

Thursday, Nov 03, 2011

#2091

Late Night From 10/24 Part 1

"I'm very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he's on his nationwide 'I Whacked Another Terrorist' tour." –Jay Leno

"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Gadhafi Wants To Say From Hell"

10. 'Can anyone recommend a good hair gel?'
9. 'Tweet me if Chaz wins 'Dancing With the Stars''
8. 'How is it everything's hot down here except the coffee?'
7. 'Remember folks, when you want a long-lasting fire with that great smoky taste, buy Kingsford, the official charcoal of Hell'
6. 'How did the Colts do last night?'
5. 'Why is Jack LaLanne here?'
4. 'Yes it's hot — but it's a dry heat'
3. 'If you think it's hot down here, wait til you see the sizzling Salma Hayek on Letterman tonight'
2. 'Homicidal reign of terror? For that you go to hell?'
1. 'Osama says hello'

Friday, Nov 04, 2011

#2092

Late Night From 10/24 Part 2

"I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?" –David Letterman

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license." –David Letterman

"So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power." –David Letterman

"The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That's what I did." –Conan O'Brien

"A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the 'Tonight Show' with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration." –Conan O'Brien

"It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that." –Jay Leno

"The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Vegas for a fundraiser. He spent the visit working on his new economic recovery plan, ‘Come on, seven!" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That's right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'the best piñata ever.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Nov 05, 2011

#2093

Late Night From 10/25 Part 1

"It feels weird, because we're taping the show extra early tonight. It's rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest's schedule. In fact, the only people we've ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan." –Jay Leno

"A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, 'I didn't even know the guy was Jewish.'" –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth." –Jay Leno

"A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, 'tumbler' is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak." –Jimmy Fallon

"So, you hear that, Michelle Obama? You can take your celery sticks and throw them in the deep fryer." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Details of Rick Perry's Tax Plan"

10. Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named 'Mitt'
9. Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt
8. It's covered in rib sauce
7. Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or 'El tax muy caliente!'
6. It's called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan
5. The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin
4. Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)
3. Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he's talking about
2. All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese
1. Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection

Sunday, Nov 06, 2011

#2094

Late Night From 10/25 Part 2

"Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, 'That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of 'The Amazing Race' yet." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair." –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed." –David Letterman

"As you know, President Obama is here in Los Angeles He's raising money for a huge disaster relief project. It's called NBC." –Jay Leno

Monday, Nov 07, 2011

#2095

Late Night From 10/26 Part 1

"We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does." –Jay Leno

"According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top." –Jay Leno

"The McRib is back. You know, I wondered what they were going to do with Gadhafi's body." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi's Funeral"

10. 'Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?'
9. 'It's a shame he didn't live long enough to promote himself above colonel'
8. 'Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?'
7. 'After the services, come back to the house for cake'
6. 'Where's his hot daughter Kim?'
5. 'And now, a few words from Moammar's closest friend, Loni Anderson'
4. 'At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain'
3. 'Incoming!'
2. 'Nice of Leno to send flowers'
1. 'Let's bury this guy'

Tueday, Nov 08, 2011

#2096

Late Night From 10/26 Part 2

"In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.''' –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster." –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday. Today, Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate." –David Letterman

"A couple of days ago they found (Moammar Gadhafi) hiding in a storm sewer, and they pulled him out and killed him. … In three years, he would have been eligible for his pension! … Yep and he left his entire wardrobe to Lady Gaga." –David Letterman

"In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he's talking about. Then he added, 'But he does know what he's talking about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us." –Jay Leno

Wed., Nov 09, 2011

#2097

Late Night From 10/27

"A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the funniest candidate by about 40 points." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent." –Jay Leno

"A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up." –Jay Leno

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters are going into their second month, but they've been orderly and well behaved. Well that doesn't sound like any fun." –David Letterman

"There's a guy that wants to be Superman so much that he spent a million dollars on plastic surgery so to look like him. I'm telling you, Rick Perry is really getting desperate." –David Letterman

"President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese." –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It's really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"And just so Republicans don't complain, it comes with a birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West." –Conan O'Brien

"'Seinfeld' star Jason Alexander is in the Middle East to promote peace. In a related story, 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc is in Europe trying to prop up the troubled euro." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Nov 10, 2011

#2098

Late Night From 10/28

"Texas had the Cardinals down to their last strike twice and they couldn't execute. And that is a phrase I never thought I'd hear myself saying 'Texas could not execute.'" –Bill Maher

"Remember Terry Jones, the pastor in Florida who burned the Koran? That's right; he is now a presidential candidate. You know what his platform is? Deporting every undocumented worker in America and imprisoning women who have abortions. Finally, the Republican Party has a moderate in the race." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"President Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, 'Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was a long meal. Every time Obama tried to pass the salt, it got rejected by Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two lawmakers in New York have proposed a bill that would make it a felony to sell fake maple syrup and label it as the real thing. Or as one confused Occupy Wall Street protester put it, 'We did it! What? This isn't about syrup?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The United States government says it's okay for British Petroleum to resume offshore drilling. Yeah! What could possibly go wrong? Just when I'm getting used to eating chowder without tar balls." –David Letterman

"I'm not saying you don't have the right to peacefully assemble. I'm just saying that the police have the right to disassemble you into pieces." –Stephen Colbert

"My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

10. Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads
9. It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named 'Herman'
8. While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby
7. New campaign slogan 'Mayday!'
6. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts
5. He trails Gadhafi's corpse in the polls
4. Refuses to acknowledge the road to the White House goes through me, Dave
3. He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy
2. Just accepted million-dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy
1. There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be president

Friday, Nov 11, 2011

#2099

Short vacation

Saturday, Nov 12, 2011

#2100

Short vacation

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