Jokes of the day

1901 - 2000

Wed., April 27, 2011

#1901

Late Night From 04/12
Part 1

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno

"Economists say sharp increases in energy and food prices could lead to higher inflation. But prices are falling on a lot of items, like Charlie Sheen tickets."  –Jay Leno

"It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Doesn't that sound like something every man should have after 50?" –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, 'That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.'" –Jay Leno

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" –Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

Thursday, April 28, 2011

#1902

Late Night From 04/13
Part 1

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman

"Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said, 'I am Obama's worst nightmare.' Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, April 29, 2011

#1903

Late Night From 04/13
Part 2

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, April 30, 2011

#1904

Late Night From 04/13
Part 3

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you're a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

Sunday, May 01, 2011

#1905

Late Night From 04/14

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien

"Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama's deficit speech." –Jay Leno

"The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?" –Jay Leno

"Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah's show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump's hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has never been more serious about running for president and that this is not a publicity stunt — but make sure to watch the announcement on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A high-ranking official at the FAA had to resign because air traffic controllers are falling asleep. I think FAA stands for 'fell asleep again.'" –Craig Ferguson

Monday, May 02, 2011

#1906

Late Night From 04/15

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." –Conan O'Brien

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." –Bill Maher

"The budget deal will cut almost $40 billion out of the budget. This of course is very bad news for poor people, health programs for the poor were cut $600 million; the EPA was cut $1.6 billion...The good news: they cut all the money out of repairing federal buildings. So there was a slight chance a wall will collapse on Eric Cantor." –Bill Maher

"Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'" –David Letterman

"Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman

"Today federal agents discovered another sleeper cell. Not terrorists, air traffic controllers. A controller in Reno fell asleep while a medical plane carrying a sick passenger was trying to land. Ironically, do you know what the patient was suffering from? Insomnia." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan says they are slowing down their hunt for bin Laden. Slowing it down? What is it, 10 years now? Could you go any slower?" –Jay Leno

"Barack Obama recently presented a powerful speech detailing his 2012 budget. And he kept the audience, including Vice President Joe Biden, on the edge of their consciousness." –Stephen Colbert

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, May 03, 2011

#1907

Late Night From 04/19

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama's minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he's minion-proof – and lactose intolerant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. The President said, 'Well, I promise not to run for a second term if you release that thing on your head.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien

"The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn't get to sleep." –Conan O'Brien

Wed., May 04, 2011

#1908

Late Night From 04/20

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan 'a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and t-shirt canons." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, May 05, 2011

#1909

Late Night From 04/21

"President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he's back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said the most popular member of the family is their Portuguese water dog Bo. Donald Trump said, 'I want to see that Portuguese bitch’s papers.'" –Conan O'Brienc

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring out Gary Johnson." –Conan O'Brien

"His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That's where it gets interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Los Angeles raising money for his campaign and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump has people in Hawaii looking for Obama’s birth certificate. Wouldn't it be something if it turned out the certificate had been nestling." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, 'Is she dead?'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Industrial Revolution destroyed the environment, but now we’re not destroying it as much as we used to. We’re concentrating on destroying the economy instead." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, May 06, 2011

#1910

Late Night From 04/25
Part 1

"WikiLeaks has information about the people that were incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. Many of them were charged with terrorism and conspiracy, and one person was actually charged with shoplifting a necklace." –David Letterman

"Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress." –Jay Leno

"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare." –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are worried about the safety of America's nuclear power plants. It's important to remember that we've never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though." –Jay Leno

"There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno

Saturday, May 07, 2011

#1911

Late Night From 04/25
Part 2

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." Jimmy Fallon

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president's birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart

"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A man just tried to hijack a plane, and he had two demands. He wanted them to take him to Libya, and he wanted an extra pillow. Fortunately it didn’t happen. Thank God all the air traffic controllers were asleep." –David Letterman

"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman

"Hey, who's excited about the Royal Wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

Sunday, May 08, 2011

#1912

Late Night From 04/26

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." Jimmy Fallon

"The Libyan government says Moammar Gadhafi is still in 'high spirits,' even though his compound was destroyed this week. Most people would be devastated, but here's the thing — he's insane." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, May 09, 2011

#1913

Late Night From 04/27
Part 1

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called 'I Need Money' by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a beautifully, lovely spring day. It was so nice down in Washington that President Obama was out on the White House lawn making a kite out of his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president." –David Letterman

"President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu." Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises On Barack Obama's Birth Certificate"

10. Was born at a luau
9. Parents crossed out original choice for first name, "Gary"
8. Is a triplet, born with sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Obama
7. Also released as an audiobook read by John Lithgow
6. It's covered in poi stains
5. Claims he's a baby when Obama is clearly an adult — It's a forgery!
4. Under "Conspiracy?” They checked "No"
3. Document notarized by Magnum P.I.
2. Note reads "To be released only at the request of crazy-haired blowhard billionaires"
1. Fine print at bottom: Not an actual birth certificate

Tueday, May 10, 2011

#1914

Late Night From 04/27
Part 2

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

"After releasing the birth certificate today, he said 'There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness.' Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah." –Jay Leno

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

"President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places." –Jimmy Kimmel

“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Next up, we ought to say we don’t believe he’s a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., May 11, 2011

#1915

Late Night From 05/02
Part 1

"I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!" –Jon Stewart

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart

"I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. ... I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.”–Stephen Colbert

"Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed." –Stephen Colbert

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden"

10. 'My horoscope says 'Big surprises are in store''
9. 'See, this is why I normally don't answer the door'
8. 'The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo . . . '
7. 'What on earth could be interrupting 'Celebrity Apprentice?''
6. 'I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise'
5. 'At least I'll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne'
4. 'I'm not sure I want to live in a world where 'Fast Five' is the No. 1 movie'
3. 'Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?'
2. 'I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head'
1. 'Oh, crap!'

Thursday, May 12, 2011

#1916

Late Night From 05/02
Part 2

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day!" –Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, 'buried at sea'  means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."  –Jimmy Kimmel

"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump: "The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome."

Friday, May 13, 2011

#1917

Late Night From 05/02
Part 3

"Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden's season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding." –David Letterman

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"We finally killed bin Laden. That didn't take too long." –David Letterman

"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Navy SEALS are very badass hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom." –Craig Ferguson

"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, May 14, 2011

#1918

Late Night From 05/03
Part 1

"It was so nice in New York City today that Navy SEALs raided a Jamba Juice." –David Letterman

"Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

'He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.' –Jon Stewart

"The initial reports said that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy SEALs, but now it appears that he was killed by actual seals." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn't talk about Charlie Sheen" –Jimmy Kimmel.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'
9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'
8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'
7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'
6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'
5. 'Biden, wake up!'
4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'
3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'
2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'
1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'

Sunday, May 15, 2011

#1919

Late Night From 05/03
Part 2

"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

"Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'" –Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you're Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good." –Jay Leno

"NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

"Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien

"The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called 'Team 6.' Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump's shot at being president." –Conan O'Brien

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with 'Thank God for President Obama.' In other words, the Apocalypse has begun." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

Monday, May 16, 2011

#1920

Late Night From 05/04
Part 1

"At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago." –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about 'American Idol.' That really shows that we've won the War on Terror." –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

"After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While promoting her 'Let's Move' campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor"

10. Didn't matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
9. No one gave us better hugs
8. Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard — you're welcome, ladies!
7. He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
6. Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
5. Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
4. Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
3. The adorable way he'd shout 'Death to weeds!' when mowing the lawn
2. At barbecues he made his famous 'Fatwa Franks'
1. You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood

Tueday, May 17, 2011

#1921

Late Night From 05/04
Part 2

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp." –Jay Leno

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it." –Jay Leno

"They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head." –Jay Leno

"The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: 'Don’t tase me, bro.'" –Jay Leno

"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'Good Night, Douche,' 'Horton Hears a Helicopter.'" –Craig Ferguson

"They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark." –David Letterman

"They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

Wed., May 18, 2011

#1922

Late Night From 05/04
Part 3

"As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military." –Jay Leno

Thursday, May 19, 2011

#1923

Late Night From 05/05
Part 1

"A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he's in superhell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That's right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . . " –Jimmy Fallon

"I love Mexico. There’s a beautiful island off the coast that has more seals than Osama bin Laden’s bedroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people and straight people use the same putters. It’s really a matter of hole selection." –Jon Stewart

"I don’t like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

Friday, May 20, 2011

#1924

Late Night From 05/05
Part 2

"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep." –Jay Leno

"They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'" –Jay Leno

"The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls." –Jay Leno

Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on 'Jeopardy'?" –Jay Leno

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own saftey. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 21, 2011

#1925

Late Night From 05/06

"Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won't do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right." –Bill Maher

"Stop saying 'we' got Osama. 'We' didn't do anything. 'We' were watching 'Celebrity Apprentice' and eating Funions in our sweatpants. Seal Team 6 did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing; that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So it was a joint Navy Seals/People's Bank of China/grandchildren operation." –Bill Maher

"They say the Navy Seals had attack dogs with titanium fangs; that they replaced their real teeth with titanium. You know you have a badass black president when even his dogs have a grill." –Bill Maher

"Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson?" –Bill Maher

"Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump." –Bill Maher

"Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at. Because it's not defense. 9/11 happened on your watch. And you retaliated by invading the wrong country. And you lost a 10-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden. And you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak. You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct. But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi's bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden's eye like Moe Greene. Raising the question: How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass?" –Bill Maher

Sunday, May 22, 2011

#1926

Late Night From 05/07

"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno

"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don't send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan is still saying they didn't know bin Laden was hiding there. He wasn't hiding there. He was living there. Look at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here's his restaurant, Osama bin Laden's, downtown, and here he is getting a star on the Islamabad Walk of Fame." –Jay Leno

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

"In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will be doing an interview with '60 Minutes,' and Michelle Obama will be doing an interview with Martha Stewart. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden will be doing an interview with a panda he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill Clinton says he now supports gay marriage. It's straight marriage he's not so excited about." –Craig Ferguson

"It turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with his youngest wife. So if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have." –Conan O'Brien

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

"It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"The important thing for people to know is that I'm gonna be runnin' for president every four years for the rest of my life. It's my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"As for boning up on experience and policy, I'm planning a trip to the Middle East, where I will be filming a cameo on Hangover 3, the third hangover. And I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone English." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

Monday, May 23, 2011

#1927

Late Night From 05/09

"President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what's up." –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that's coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Officials say the terrorists are now going after our railways. The rail line you should really avoid is Amtrakistan." –Jay Leno

"They have released videos found in Osama bin Laden's compound. Apparently, bin Laden dyed his beard black to look younger. It's probably pretty much washed off by now." –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound. And it didn't help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, 'Are we there yet?'" –Craig Ferguson

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don't know about his chances. I mean, I'm not saying Gingrich peaked in the '90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, May 24, 2011

#1928

Late Night From 05/10
Part 1

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, 'Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.'" –Craig Ferguson

"They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world." –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's going back to acting, but what kind of movies? 'Conan the Octogenarian?' 'Occasional Recall?' 'Tinkle All the Way?' I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I'm not a teacher in California." –Craig Ferguson

"California is a very tough state to govern. We can't even control Lindsay Lohan." –Craig Ferguson

"The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don't know how they ever started communicating." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel

"What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval ratings have already started to go down again. We're so fickle. Basically, we're saying, who have you shot for us lately?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Iran 25 of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's associates have been arrested and charged with being magicians and being able to summon genies. So if you're keeping score at home, it's believe in genies 1, believe in Holocaust 0." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It's kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you're like, 'We will fight you until the end! Of May!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is at a summit in Greenland with leaders of 7 Arctic countries. Obama said, 'Send the Ice Queen. Make it so.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]? They didn't get bin Laden. They're like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama." –Jon Stewart

‎"There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are." –Stephen Colbert

‎"He has a great relationship with 'the blacks.' He must. How else could he get away with calling them 'the blacks?'" –Stephen Colbert on Donald Trump

Wed., May 25, 2011

#1929

Late Night From 05/10
Part 2

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

"The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden's wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this afternoon. 'Glugguuguuuugllgluuug.'" –Jay Leno

"Bin Laden liked watching old footage of himself on video. The only thing he couldn't bear to watch, footage of his old 10 o'clock show." –Jay Leno

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can't be terrorists — unless you're sitting next to one on a flight." –Jay Leno

"The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as 'complicated.' In fact it's so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It's the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden had Viagra in his medicine cabinet, but he didn't take any with him into the afterlife, so 66 of the virgins are still on standby." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She'll get the house in Malibu and he'll be moving back to Skull Island." –David Letterman

"They gave it a shot, but that's what happens when you marry outside of your species." –David Letterman

"Arnold is being a guy about it, saying 'I'll be back — for my things.'" –David Letterman

"Pakistan has 3 of Osama's wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania." –David Letterman

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, May 26, 2011

#1930

Late Night From 05/11

"Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we'd have a different First Lady. Newt's slogan is, 'At least I'm not Trump.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They're called tunnels." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold's friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich announced that he's running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver may be divorcing. Evidently Arnold was seeing Jane Goodall." –David Letterman

"Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That's why they thought he was armed." –David Letterman

"After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, 'I'll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we're done.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden's whereabouts won't be going to anyone. Then China was like, 'Wanna bet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Gaddafi hasn't been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Nose job." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you've ever tasted Godfather's Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius." –Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden"

10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"
9. "Can you work weekends?"
8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"
7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"
6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"
5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"
4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"
3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"
2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"
1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"

Friday, May 27, 2011

#1931

Late Night From 05/12
Part 1

"Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney - and he's the Mormon!" -Jay Leno

"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." -Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal." -Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He's even willing to learn English." -Jay Leno

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" -David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year - 1996." -David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

Saturday, May 28, 2011

#1932

Late Night From 05/12
Part 2

"President Obama's approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden's death. If I were Obama, I'd fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace or Friendster." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Pakistan's Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he'd been having an affair for 5 years ... with Osama bin Laden." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen." -Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." -Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" -Craig Ferguson

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." -Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." -Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, May 29, 2011

#1933

Late Night From 05/13

"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" -Conan O'Brien

"President Obama campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul's campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall." -Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, 'It can't be that bad.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. The right-wing feigned outrage machine is apoplectic that the rapper Common was invited to an evening poetry, or as they call it, black-on-black rhyme. Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, 'Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,' and that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." -Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich made it official: he's in. Not in the presidential race -- in a trivia book called 'Whatever Happened to Last Century's Biggest A**holes?'" -Bill Maher

"They say the key to Newt Gingrich's campaign is going to be his third wife, Callista, who used to be the mistress. For six years while he was married to his second wife, she blow him in the car. The theme of their campaign: values. I'm not kidding. Values, also floor mats and wet wipes." -Bill Maher

"New rule: you can't rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn't bin Laden's only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were 'Deep Goat,' 'Radical Jizzlam,' 'Barely Visible,' '72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, 'Yentl.'" -Bill Maher

"Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a five-minute rebuttal." -Jay Leno

"Iran's intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That's like Pakistan having a truth minister." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan." -Jay Leno

"They have found Osama bin Laden's diary. Some entries: 'Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.' 'Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.' The final entry: 'Dear Diary, can't talk now. Someone's at the door. Hope it's the Domino's guy.'" -David Letterman

Monday, May 30, 2011

#1934

Late Night From 05/16
Part 1

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." -David Letterman

"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." -Craig Ferguson

"Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama's re-election is Joe Biden." -Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher." -Craig Ferguson

"After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It's the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist." -Craig Ferguson

"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that's been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." -Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody's parents showed up and made it weird." -Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" -Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." -Jay Leno

"To save money, Washington state has canceled next year's presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn't have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever." -Jay Leno

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." -Jay Leno

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." -Jay Leno

"Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden's compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." -Jon Stewart

Tueday, May 31, 2011

#1935

Late Night From 05/16
Part 2

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians." -Conan O'Brien

"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." -Conan O'Brien

"Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on 'Two and a Half Men.'" -Conan O'Brien

"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World - and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama." -David Letterman

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." -David Letterman

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" -David Letterman

"It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, 'Why the long face?'" -David Letterman

"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." -David Letterman

"They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy" -David Letterman.

Wed., June 01, 2011

#1936

Late Night From 05/17

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news - not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." -Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." -Jay Leno

"Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." -Jay Leno

"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." -Conan O'Brien

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." -Conan O'Brien

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." -Conan O'Brien

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." -David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street." -David Letterman

"Trump won't run for president. I'm thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession." -David Letterman

"I'm disappointed that Trump isn't running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him." -David Letterman

"Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O'Brien said, 'Don't fall for that.'" -David Letterman

"I mention Newt Gingrich is running for President, nothing. I mention Donald Trump is not running, you go crazy. Think a minute. Which campaign would have made you happier?" -David Letterman

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." -Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he's taken away from every other child in California." -Craig Ferguson

"Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF." -Craig Ferguson

"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." -Craig Ferguson

"I don't know that 'love child' is an accurate term. I'd call it an 'oh crap' child." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Arnold Schwarzenegger having a child with his maid 10 years ago

"There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby - who could bench-press a Ford Expedition." -Jimmy Kimmel
"I mean - when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord - you'd think that would be a sign." -Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, June 02, 2011

#1937

Late Night From 05/18

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It's no big deal." -Jay Leno

"Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare." -Jay Leno

"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is not running for president. The whole thing was a publicity stunt? Really?" -David Letterman

"Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That's funny because I had just the opposite experience." -David Letterman

"Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " -David Letterman

"It's quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room." -David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel

"I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Maria Shriver had dinner with Oprah the other night, so Arnold is in a lot of trouble. He should start looking into fortified compounds in Abbottabad." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is 'National Visit Your Relatives Day!' Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.'" -Jimmy Fallon

Friday, June 03, 2011

#1938

Late Night From 05/19

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I'm not going to say reading it is torture. It's more of an enhanced interrogation technique." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno

"You know what's going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, "Why stop there? Let's go back to the pre-1492 borders."" –Jay Leno

"Katie Couric is leaving the evening news to have a morning talk show. Unless Jay wants it, of course. We'll spin the wheel to see who she'll be replaced by. Charlie Sheen!" –Jay Leno

"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman

"At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony." –David Letterman

"Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That's my job." -Craig Ferguson

"What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn't it their job to keep stuff secret?" –Craig Ferguson

"A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail." –Craig Ferguson

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 million dollar in Tiffany's debt

"The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, June 04, 2011

#1939

Late Night From 05/20
Part 1

"Today is the 84th anniversary of Charles Lindbergh's solo crossing of the Atlantic. It was the last time an American was warmly greeted in France. When he landed he told people he'd enjoyed the flight and had actually joined the Mile High Club." –David Letterman

"May 21st is supposed to be Judgment Day. We should send a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to fix things. Though I suspect if he could go back in time he might fix some other things." –Craig Ferguson

"The man that is predicting judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television." –Craig Ferguson

"Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it's official. I have the nicest legs at CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"Merry Apocalypse Eve. This minister says the world is going to end. I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of Apocalypse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they're going to try it here." –Jimmy Fallon

"The head of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in New York for assaulting a hotel maid, has posted the one million dollars bail in cash. Well, there goes Nigeria's mosquito net money." –Jon Stewart

Sunday, June 05, 2011

#1940

Late Night From 05/20
Part 2

"A Christian minister has crunched the numbers, looked at the 8 Ball, and in two hours, the Rapture begins. That's when the really devout, extra-sure-of-themselves fundamentalist Christians will just disappear — or as I call it, a win-win." –Bill Maher

"How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!" –Jay Leno

"Tim Pawlenty's friends call him T-Paw. As opposed to everyone else who calls him 'T-Who?'" –Jay Leno

"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen …'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head." –Jay Leno

"Katie Couric was the first solo female anchor. You know who the last solo male anchor was? Osama bin Laden." –Jay Leno

"It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too." –Jay Leno

"Time is flying by. Pretty soon, I'll be opening my summer place in Abbottabad." –David Letterman

"Katie Couric's final news broadcast was last night. Now she's looking for another format she doesn't quite fit." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman

Monday, June 06, 2011

#1941

Late Night From 05/23
Part 1

"President Obama visited a bar in Ireland and drank Guinness. I know it's not great for kids to see the president drinking alcohol, but in his defense, beer goes great with cigarettes." –Craig Ferguson

"At first I felt bad for the people that sold everything they owned ahead of the apocalypse. But then I realized they're idiots. If the world did end, what would you do with the money you got?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I tell you what; Hawaiian, Kenya, Irish – this guy truly is the Epcot Center of presidents." –Jimmy Kimmel, on President Obama visiting Ireland and meeting some of his Irish relatives

“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening

"President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn't necessary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, 'Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn't understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, 'The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park.'" –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Harold Camping Excuses" (For the Rapture Not Happening)

10. "Rapture got rained out"
9. "Forgot to carry the 1"
8. "Dates got screwed up because of the Jewish holidays"
7. "Que?"
6. "Hold on, God's texting me . . . Yeah, it's been postponed"
5. "Don't blame me! I voted for Kucinich"
4. "To prevent bear attack, be sure to suspend all food and trash in a tree. I'm sorry, that's from ‘Top Ten Wilderness Camping Tips’"
3. "At 89, I can't remember how to operate the toaster"
2. "Didn't everybody's world end when ‘Oprah’ was canceled?"
1. "I'm crazy"

Tueday, June 07, 2011

#1942

Late Night From 05/23
Part 2

"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" –Conan O'Brien

"The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don't have much of a plan for the show." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien

"The government has decided that no one is getting the $25 million award for capturing bin Laden. It's because no one wants to break the news to SEAL Team 6." –Conan O'Brien

"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

"It's a great honor to be selected as the 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid." –David Letterman

"Last year George W. Bush made $15 million from speaking engagements. He comes on stage and introduces the goddesses. Then he goes into a 90-minute rant about Chuck Lorre." –David Letterman

"President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It's terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge." –Craig Ferguson

"You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., June 08, 2011

#1943

Late Night From 05/24
Part 1

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman

"In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed." –Jay Leno

"Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders." –Jay Leno

"According to Osama bin Laden's journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Barack Obama's Mind While Having Car Trouble in Ireland"

10. 'There goes my Avis deposit'
9. 'I think we hit a Leprechaun'
8. 'Crap, the teleprompter's in that car'
7. 'How much does AAA charge to pick up a guy in Ireland?'
6. 'Remember when Trump thought he could be president?'
5. 'I wonder if Gingrich has a revolving line of credit at Sears Auto Center?'
4. 'Lucky there aren't any television cameras around to catch this'
3. 'It's always the day after your warranty expires, am I right?'
2. 'Where are the Navy seals when you need them?'
1. 'O'Crap!'

Thursday, June 09, 2011

#1944

Late Night From 05/24
Part 2

"The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people sold all they're possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently the Rapture is being produced by the same people that produced 'Spider-Man the Musical.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah's show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver." –Jimmy Fallon

"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"The preacher who predicted the apocalypse last weekend now predicts that the world will end in October. It's the first time that someone's end-of-the-world prediction was followed by 'Have a great summer.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien

"The rumor is that Maria Shriver is the one who leaked the story of Arnold’s love child to the press. Evidently she got the idea of leaking things secretly from Arnold." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, June 10, 2011

#1945

Late Night From 05/25

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he's going to do something." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" –Jay Leno

"They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft." –Jay Leno

"The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him." –Jay Leno

"New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be 'wasting your time on Facebook.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on 'Dancing With the Stars.' But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures." –David Letterman

"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman

"Be honest. How many of you were hoping this was going to be my final show? Oprah’s last show was today. I had a good cry with the girls from our book club. On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse." –David Letterman

"On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over 'The Tonight Show.' And it wouldn't be the last time." –David Letterman

"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson

"Oprah said, 'Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me.' That’s nice; she thanked her Son." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, June 11, 2011

#1946

Late Night From 05/26

"President Obama was in Ireland last week. While he was there, his Secret Service codename was, "the black guy that's in Ireland.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson

"They have just released another posthumous Osama bin Laden video. If you listen carefully you can hear his last words: 'Will somebody please answer the damn door!'" –David Letterman

"CBS announced some new shows coming up, including 'Celebrity Housekeeper.' A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid." –David Letterman

Sunday, June 12, 2011

#1947

Late Night From 05/27

"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno

"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, 'Why can't I meet a chick like that?'" –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world's top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, 'What are you doing here?'" –Jay Leno

"Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks." –Jay Leno

"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno

Monday, June 13, 2011

#1948

Late Night From 05/31

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he’d be if she won." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' … "The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" –Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

Sarah Palin, on visiting Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington: "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President - who had such diverse interests - when she told me later: 'how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'"
Stephen Colbert: "It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers."

Tueday, June 14, 2011

#1949

Late Night From 06/01

"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head." –Craig Ferguson

"The USDA replaced the food pyramid with the 'food plate.' After years of the food pyramid, many Americans ended up shaped like pyramids." –Craig Ferguson

"There's something absurd about helping our nutrition by putting a food chart on boxes, when food that comes out of boxes is the problem." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., June 15, 2011

#1950

Late Night From 06/02

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"The Republican House Majority Leader says we should help the victims of the floods and tornados in the Midwest, but only if cuts are made elsewhere, only if the number works. Here's a circus elephant helping remove debris in Joplin. So actual elephants are more helpful than the f**king GOP." –Jon Stewart

‎"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

Thursday, June 16, 2011

#1951

Late Night From 06/03

"Mitt Romney started to stick it to Obama right away. He said, “We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free market economy.” What?! If he’s going to lie this hard on day one, what’s he going to say in six months? Obama is kidnapping our white women and feeding them to King Kong." –Bill Maher, on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announcement

"Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his (presidential) announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underpants." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

"Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." –Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride

Jokes from NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Sarah Palin’s cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except my summer vacations generally don't have a title." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Sarah Palin’s family road trip has a title; it’s called the One Nation Tour, and she’s brought along her husband and her kids and all the typical summer road trip stuff, like sun tan lotion, stuff for s’mores, and Greta Van Susteren." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Despite the news this week that our cell phones are giving us cancer, users are NOT giving up. They're like, okay, my cell phone could give me cancer, but actually interacting with people in person is what leads to Chlamydia." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

Friday, June 17, 2011

#1952

Late Night From 06/06
Part 1

"The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes." –David Letterman

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman

"It’s a great day for late night comedians because it’s a bad day for Congressman Anthony Weiner." –Craig Ferguson

"Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It’s a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, 'Thank you.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" –Stephen Colbert

"I mean, call me old fashioned. But I long for simpler times and common sense values. I want to leave our grandchildren an America where Congressmen bang their secretaries. Sorry if there's no app for that." –Stephen Colbert

"A new photo was released that the Congressman's c*ck apparently took of him." –Jon Sewart on Anthony Weiner

"The most upsetting thing about having a friend caught up in a scandal of this nature is finding out A) he's packin' jumbo heat, and B) that he's ripped." –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"
9. "Will this get me more followers?"
8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"
7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"
6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"
5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"
4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"
3. "What would Brett Favre do?"
2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"
1. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Saturday, June 18, 2011

#1953

Late Night From 06/06
Part 2

"It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, 'Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,' 'Do I even need to campaign at this point?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade." –Jay Leno

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where’s the beef?' You can’t ask that now!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California." –Jay Leno

Sunday, June 19, 2011

#1954

Late Night From 06/06
Part 2

"It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, 'Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,' 'Do I even need to campaign at this point?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade." –Jay Leno

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where’s the beef?' You can’t ask that now!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California." –Jay Leno

Monday, June 20, 2011

#1955

Late Night From 06/07
Part 1

"Despite the scandal, Weiner will not resign, saying he hasn't done anything illegal and this is not the most embarrassing photo of him that has ever surfaced. That would be his senior portrait from high school. Weiner's high school portrait was taken at one of the rare moments when he wasn't being stuffed into the garbage can." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week." –David Letterman

"Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno." –David Letterman

"Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure." –David Letterman

"Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Moammar Gadhafi who is 60 years old. He had a big party and was visited by his lovely nieces, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Gadhafi." –David Letterman

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, 'So it looks like they do want to start a family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden's death. Or as Gadhafi's putting it, 'Uh oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, June 21, 2011

#1956

Late Night From 06/08
Part 1

"When there's trouble, you can always tell who your friends are. And this poor guy, Anthony Weiner, is getting no support from nobody. Except, you know who's supporting Anthony Weiner? Newt Gingrich. Today, Newt Gingrich sent him a $10,000 cell phone case from Tiffany’s." –David Letterman

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she'd like to see his wienerschnitzel." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen." –Jay Leno

"People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective…the magic 8-ball." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today he's not concerned about a double dip recession. He's more concerned the recovery we're in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn't creating enough jobs? A recession." –Jay Leno

"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno

"Delta Airlines has a new slogan, 'Come fly the greedy skies.' This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn't grabbing your ass, delta's grabbing your wallet. It's unbelievable." –Jay Leno

"To make matters worse for our returning soldiers, the in-flight movie was 'burlesque', and since many of these guys were paratroopers, they just bailed." –Jay Leno

Wed., June 22, 2011

#1957

Late Night From 06/08
Part 2

"Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called 'Weinergate.' And then it happens." –Conan O'Brien

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –Conan O'Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien|

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?" –Jon Sewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

"You want me to cut my wrist again? Is that what you people do when watching this show? Are you people f*cking right now?” " –Jon Stewart, responding to news that "The Daily Show" figured into Anthony Weiner's sexual exchanges with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer

"Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times." –Jimmy Fallon

"There has been growing pressure for Anthony Weiner to resign. When asked for a comment, Weiner said, "Look, I'm not leaving ... but I am packing." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More trouble for Anthony Weiner: He was fired as the voice of the Aflac duck." –David Letterman

Thursday, June 23, 2011

#1958

Late Night From 06/09

"Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there." –Conan O'Brien

"The women who Anthony Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"There's now a picture going around the internet of Weiner's naked penis. You can tell it's him, because it looks just like him." –Jay Leno

"The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn't stop!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears." –Jay Leno

"According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?" –Jay Leno

"Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta's new slogan: 'Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'" –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from a guy that looks like a jockey to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys." –Dave Letterman

"There's a word for people that take pictures of their privates and send them out: 'stupid.'" –David Letterman

"If Weiner resigns, they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, 'Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, June 24, 2011

#1959

Late Night From 06/10

"After searching online for eight minutes for pictures of a congressman's penis you have to start questioning yourself. And now we find out Weiner's wife is pregnant. The only thing that could make this right is if it turns out she got pregnant by Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Many of Anthony Weiner's Democratic colleagues are calling for him to resign to preserve his dignity, but that ship sailed a long time ago." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Every time a new woman comes forward, I imagine Tiger Woods sitting in the back room of a Hooters somewhere laughing his ass off.” –Jimmy Kimmel on Weinergate

"It's Donald Duck Day, the day the mighty Disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite Donald. Sorry, Donald Trump." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Duck & Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a**... and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Duck has one of those voices that everyone can identify, like Darth Vader — or Larry King." –Craig Ferguson

"It's not a great day for the King of Sweden. He’s facing pressure to step down over rumors that he frequents strip clubs. Now, I think I speak for every American when I say, 'Oh Sweden, your political sex scandals are so adorable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state … I'm not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames." –Bill Maher

"I feel bad for Sarah. She heard all the alarms and sirens and she figured the British were coming." –Bill Maher

"People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the f*** do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?" –Bill Maher

"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quite en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man (Herman Cain)." –Bill Maher

Saturday, June 25, 2011

#1960

Late Night From 06/13
Part 1

"Apparently, Anthony Weiner won't decide if he's resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. I don't know what's more ridiculous — that he thinks he can stay in office, or that he thinks his wife is coming back." –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn't read write that much?" –Jimmy Kimmel

""According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, June 26, 2011

#1962

Late Night From 06/13
Part 2

"Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal." –Conan O'Brien

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, 'There's a congressional gym?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he's not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm." –Jay Leno

"According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?" –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers." –Jay Leno

"It's so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes." –Dave Letterman

"The latest batch of Weiner photos were taken at the congressional gym. Wait a minute, those guys have a gym?" –David Letterman

"I say don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles." –David Letterman

Monday, June 27, 2011

#1963

Late Night From 06/14
Part 1

"What is Weiner guilty of? He's guilty of being too photogenic. But is taking pictures of your junk and e-mailing them something you'd expect from a Congressman? No. This is something you'd expect from a priest." –Dave Letterman

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he'd resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is 65 today. Had a big party. He likes to play Pin Everything on Obama." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann at the Republican debate that he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany's." –David Letterman

"Derek Jeter is only six hits away from 3,000 base hits. What a coincidence — Anthony Weiner is only six nude photos away from 3,000." –David Letterman

"The first Republican presidential debate was held on Monday night. Seven Republican presidential candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run. Imagine if you did that in a job interview." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven't seen the birth certificate so we don't know for sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who was born 65 years ago today! It was sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, 'Prove it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, June 28, 2011

#1964

Late Night From 06/14
Part 2

"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"The housekeeper said the affair wasn't all Arnold's fault because 'it takes two.' Then Anthony Weiner said, 'Actually, it only takes one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner has checked into the That's Not Mayo Clinic." –Conan O'Brien

"During the Republican debate on Monday night, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Well ... I guess he's already written off the black vote." –Conan O'Brien

"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, 'Wait, there's pizza?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

"One of bin Laden's wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot." –Jay Leno

Wed., June 29, 2011

#1965

Late Night From 06/15

"Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman." –Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn't his concern when he was texting pictures of himself." –Dave Letterman

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy." –Jon Stewart

Thursday, June 30, 2011

#1966

Late Night From 06/16

"Many people have noticed that Palin likes to use 'flippin'' instead of the 'f' word. For instance, one email says, 'I wish my daughter and Levi Johnston would stop flippin'.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh my God! Those guys up there and Michele Bachmann, and it was exciting, and you know who did well? Michele Bachmann. Bachmann did well. Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann, he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate from Tiffany’s." –David Letterman

"Father’s Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Shwarzenegger. Last year my son wouldn’t give me my gift until I gave him a DNA swab." –David Letterman

"Today is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. And since it was built, not one Mexican has sneaked in." –David Letterman

"Congress has just lost its Weiner. One minute he's in, one minute he's out ... typical Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent study found that today's fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda announced that they've found a replacement for Osama bin Laden, thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Our long national nightmare is over. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Anthony Weiner has resigned. That's right, he decided to take his balls and go home. And it is now safe to go back on Facebook." –Bill Maher

"I have to warn you. Newt Gingrich today put up a large Web ad. So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge dick." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, 'hey, I'm unemployed too.' That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the 'South Park' guys write your jokes. " –Bill Maher

"The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies. " –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them." –Bill Maher

Friday, July 01, 2011

#1967

Late Night From 06/17

"Congressman Weiner resigned from Congress at a senior citizens’ center in Queens. It was smart, because they had no idea what Twitter is." –Jay Leno

"The good news is that they already found a replacement for Anthony Weiner. The bad news is that it's Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner’s still involved with the internet. Today he started his own site called MyTube." –Jay Leno

"And I still don’t think Weiner gets it. Did you hear what he said at the end of his press conference? 'Anybody want one last look?'" –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno

"Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, 'You can get sued for that?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'" –Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Al Qaeda's new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

"You know the big news today, Congressman Weiner resigned. You heard about that, right? He resigned. It’s sort of a good news/bad news thing. The good news is Congressman Weiner resigned. The bad news, he made the announcement shirtless over Skype." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, July 02, 2011

#1968

Late Night From 06/20

"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile,Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has apologized for editing out the words 'under God' from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They're also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with 'Hail Satan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par." –Jay Leno

"Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks." –Jay Leno

"A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Shwarzenegger's favorite game on Father's Day? Old Maid." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Speaker Boehner played golf last weekend. Obama avoided an out-of-bounds penalty tee when an errant tee shot bounced off of Oprah, who was hiding in the woods." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we'll pay off that deficit in no time." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

Sunday, July 03, 2011

#1969

Late Night From 06/21
Part 1

"I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope." –David Letterman

"Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He's one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we'll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?" –David Letterman

"Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as 'the candidate most Americans don't know.' Gov. Huntsman's announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination." –Jimmy Kimmel

"To no one's surprise, on the 'Today Show' this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He's just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, 'The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they're already there with you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' (presented by Keith Olbermann)"

10. You'll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah's gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It's the only show on television that's not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I'm sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

Monday, July 04, 2011

#1970

Late Night From 06/21
Part 2

"Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that's progress." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand." –Jay Leno

"Idaho state senator and former Republican legislator of the year, John McGee, is charged with drunk driving and suspicion of felony grand theft after reportedly stealing an SUV with a 20-foot trailer attached to it. In his defense, there's not a lot to do in Idaho." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He said, 'Of course, I'm also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White." –Conan O'Brien

"You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name." –Conan O'Brien

Tueday, July 05, 2011

#1971

Late Night From 06/22
Part 1

“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'” –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'" –David Letterman

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

"Here's fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she's back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it's not like her to quit something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called 'Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.' Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we're going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here's what I don't understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you'd think it would be a mellower place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical 'Sister Act.' Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, 'anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at ... actually, you'd just better call.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., July 06, 2011

#1972

Late Night From 06/22
Part 2

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" –Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He's starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection." –Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking." –Jay Leno

"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

"It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion." –Jay Leno

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." –Jay Leno

"Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: 'It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, July 07, 2011

#1973

Late Night From 06/23

"Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke." –Jay Leno

"Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, 'Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'" –Jay Leno

"Cameron Diaz opens this weekend as the 'Bad Teacher.' She’s so bad she tells the kids a completely incorrect version of the Paul Revere story." –David Letterman

"Days are longer in the summer, especially in the Weiner house." –David Letterman

"In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party." –Bill Maher

Friday, July 08, 2011

#1974

Late Night From 06/24

"Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume 'when the time comes.' So there you go, everyone — it's not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote 'shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.' Of course, she said the same thing about the movie 'Cars 2.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, 'Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said 'the fact I read a book.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can't be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, 'These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin said she did not quit her bus tour. She just had to go home early for jury duty. How can you be President if you're not even smart enough to get out of jury duty?" –Jay Leno

"A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit last week. Then his finance staff. He was going to quit the race, but his speechwriter quit too." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, 'We can't stay there indefinitely.' You think our troops in Korea are going, 'HELLO, we've been here for 60 years.'" –Jay Leno

Saturday, July 09, 2011

#1975

Late Night From 06/27
Part 1

"Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Whitey Bulger's brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster." –Craig Ferguson

‎"Finally, New York state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in Connecticut in order to get married." –Jon Stewart

"The narrative of Conservative Victimization is the true genius of what Fox News has accomplished. Any editorial judgment in news, or schools, or movies, that doesn't favor the conservative view, is elitism and is evidence of liberal bias. Whereas any editorial judgment that FAVORS the conservative view, is evidence of merely fairness and done to protect them from liberal bias. And, if you criticize Fox for this game, guess what that's evidence of? How right they are about how persecuted they are. It is air tighter than an otters ass…They can't lose. But you know what this whole 'victim thing' makes Fox? Well, perhaps this term a friend of mine used once to describe the current presidential administration is most apt: [Cut to clip of Fox News' ChrisWallace telling Bill O’Reilly: 'They are the biggest bunch of cry babies I have dealt with in my 30 years in Washington.']" –Jon Stewart

Sunday, July 10, 2011

#1976

Late Night From 06/27
Part 2

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. When he was a congressman from New York, I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble." –David Letterman

"During the trial, Blagojevich got himself in trouble for texting photos of his hair." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, July 11, 2011

#1977

Late Night From 06/28

"The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money." –David Letterman

"Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's." –David Letterman

"Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption — and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair?" –David Letterman

"Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial." –David Letterman

"She announced her presidency from Waterloo -- a name synonymous with victory." –Stephen Colbert on Michele Bachmann’s Iowa campaign launch

“It is no secret that our economy is in the dumpster, because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old muffins.” –Stephen Colbert

"They're cancelling fireworks because it might lead to fire. That's like cancelling a carnival because it might lead to being abducted by carnies." –Stephen Colbert on Texas banning fireworks

Tueday, July 12, 2011

#1978

Late Night From 06/29

"Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma — or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bachmann didn't know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The next-most famous person from that town is the guy that grew the biggest pumpkin at the town fair." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin says she should be ready to make a decision on running for president by December 2012." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'' –Conan O'Brien

"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was 'Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill." –David Letterman

Wed., July 13, 2011

#1979

Late Night From 06/30
Part 1

"Glenn Beck gave his last show. After Oprah and Beck, the only emotional woman on TV is me." –Craig Ferguson

"Supposedly, they let Beck go because he alienated the sponsors. I would never do that. In fact, I hang out on the weekend with the ShamWow guy." –Carig Ferguson

"Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American"

10. The complimentary TSA groping
9. Other countries don't have one Dakota — we have two
8. Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth
7. Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O'Bachmann)
6. All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya
5. The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world
4. We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk
3. Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?
2. Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt
1. What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

#1980

Late Night From 06/30
Part 2

"California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children?" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, 'spring break.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while." –David Letterman

"Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he's pardoned by Oprah." –David Letterman

"We're celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we'll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. That would be a great endorsement." –David Letterman

"The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can't agree or they're looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, July 15, 2011

#1981

Late Night From 07/04

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That's like Arnold Schwarzenegger's dream date." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in California today thatArnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno

"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno

"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno

Saturday, July 16, 2011

#1982

Late Night From 07/07

"Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?"  –Jay Leno

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno

"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno

"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they're waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it's unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin laden had AT&T." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the united states. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

Sunday, July 17, 2011

#1983

Late Night From 07/08
Part 1

"Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who's killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder." –Bill Maher, comparing Republicans to the Casey Anthony jury

"New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners - just beating the old record set by George Michael - and at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing Port-O-Potties." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If your dad was on OJ's legal dream team, you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off." –Bill Maher

Monday, July 18, 2011

#1984

Late Night From 07/08
Part 2

"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people." –Bill Maher

"I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann." –Bill Maher

"People are mad. There's a lot of soul-searching going on after the Casey Anthony verdict. Florida is looking into the jury selection process, their legislatures are reviewing laws, and CNN is considering whether Nancy Grace should be replaced by an actual glassy-eyed vulture." –Bill Maher

"Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened. It went smoothly aft first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis." –Bill Maher

"If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican." –Bill Maher

Tueday, July 19, 2011

#1985

Late Night From 07/11
Part 1

"The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November." –Jay Leno

"A right wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Didn't we take this pledge? It's called the 'Marriage Vow.' Is that not good enough anymore, we have to take it again?" –Jay Leno

"Here is a truly frightening story; they are now saying that Al Qaeda had plans to use women as human bombs on airplanes. Did you hear about this? They are saying that they could put bombs inside women's breast implants. Do you know what that means? Hooters could be a terrorist training camp." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., July 20, 2011

#1986

Late Night From 07/11
Part 2

"Over the weekend, someone broke into our theater. I'm told that Jay Leno has an alibi." –David Letterman

"Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?" –David Letterman

"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson

"In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing. There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. " –Craig Ferguson

"One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working." –Craig Ferguson

"Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of 'Larry King Live.'" –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, July 21, 2011

#1987

Late Night From 07/12
Part 1

"Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography." –David Letterman

"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman

"It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn't read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don't have to sign anything so important they have to read it first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it, you have to be either Google or Apple. You can't be a newspaper." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

Friday, July 22, 2011

#1988

Late Night From 07/12
Part 2

"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, 'It takes two to tango.' Then Biden was like, 'Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' 'Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid?'" –Craig Ferguson

"We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs." –Jon Stewart

‎"It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.'" –Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations

"Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages." –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

‎"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth." –Stephen Colbert

Saturday, July 23, 2011

#1989

Late Night From 07/13
Part 2

"Will we default on our debt, and will Canada let us crash on their couch for awhile?" –Stephen Colbert

‎"Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the 'Green Mile' guy and just absorbing it all?" –Jon Stewart on Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann

"He's so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.'" –Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband,  Marcus Bachmann

"Of course I'd like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'" –Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money"

10. For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar
9. The White House now has a two-drink minimum
8. There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota
7. Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to 'Cash4Gold'
6. Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico
5. Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists
4. Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One
3. John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards
2. Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet
1. Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah

Sunday, July 24, 2011

#1990

Late Night From 07/13
Part 1

"We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don't think that ever works." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say life on Earth is wiped out every 27 million years, and we have 16 million years left. So we're all going to die just when we finally get our debt paid off." –Jay Leno

"A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million." –Jay Leno

"You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn't a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country." –Jay Leno

"It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs." –David Letterman

"It's so hot that even Michele Bachmann believes in global warming." –David Letterman

"Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done." –David Letterman

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, July 25, 2011

#1991

Late Night From 07/15

"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman

"I understand the Republican's frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen." –Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks

"We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans – the conservative party – says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole 'money' thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we're hitchhiking to a Phish concert, and if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we'll just give him a hand job." –Bill Maher

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife." –Bill Maher

‎"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon Stewart

Tueday, July 26, 2011

#1992

Late Night From 07/14

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon

"Spain's running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it's apparently over 500 pages long — and that's just the dedication to his kids." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don't worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was 'Death to America?'" –Jay Leno

"In the last month, President Obama's re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more." –Jay Leno

"Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they'll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless." –Jay Leno

"According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they're called 'philosophy majors.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

"It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming." –David Letterman

Wed., July 27, 2011

#1993

Late Night From 07/15
Part 1

"There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since 'New Mexico' is already taken." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is starting to get tough. He said he's reached his limit and he will not give in on his debt ceiling position even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold. 'We've got to save Obama's presidency.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, 'A no-name Republican? That's me. I could win! I'm the new President?'" –Jay Leno

"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno

"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ann Coulter canceled her appearance on Piers Morgan’s show at the last minute and now she’s banned her for life. I know, I was also like, 'I don’t care.'" –Craig Ferguson

"It’s so tough to get tickets for the new 'Harry Potter' movie that Rupert Murdoch had to hack into MovieFone." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, July 28, 2011

#1994

Late Night From 07/15
Part 2

"I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen." –Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks

"We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans – the conservative party – says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole 'money' thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we're hitchhiking to a Phish concert, and if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we'll just give him a hand job." –Bill Maher

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife." –Bill Maher

"Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs."–Bill Maher

"And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim…a know it all, a chiseler, a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdoes straight out of The Hills Have Eyes, that’s not sexist. I’m saying it because it’s true, not because it’s true of a woman." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann proudly tells the story of how she has no desire to become a tax lawyer, but her husband commanded her to. That’s right, he commanded her to become a tax lawyer, and what are you going to do. It says so right in the bible. She quotes it, ‘wives you are to be submissive to your husbands,’ and I’m the sexist? That’s weird, but you know what’s really weird? Michele Bachmann tells her husband I’ll do anything you want me to do, and his response isn’t let’s have a three way or I want to cover you in Cool Whip. It’s I want you to be a tax lawyer. That is some sick twisted sh*t."–Bill Maher

Friday, July 29, 2011

#1995

Late Night From 07/18
Part 1

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

‎"If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling." –Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stevie Colbert

Saturday, July 30, 2011

#1996

Late Night From 07/18
Part 2

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week in an interview with ABC News President Obama said he will turn 50 this week, but the truth is he turns 50 on August 4th. Do you know what that means? Apparently even he hasn't seen his real birth certificate."  –Jay Leno

"So what happened to Carmageddon? What was that? The L.A. freeways had less traffic this weekend than Newt Gingrich's campaign website. Nothing." –Jay Leno

"The President met with the Dalai Lama over the weekend. The Dalai Lama told Obama about the difficulty of being under China's thumb. To which Obama said, 'Tell me about it.'" –Jay Leno

"Former News Corp Chief Executive Rebekah Brooks was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of illegal wire tapping and bribing police officers for information. I don't think she gets it. She asked the arresting officer, 'How much is it going to take to make this go away?'" –Jay Leno

"Ironically while she was in jail she was surrounded by less criminals than when she was working for News Corp. That's the amazing thing." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It was so hot Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann was fanning herself with pornography. So hot Charlie Sheen was snorting actual snow." –David Letterman

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, July 31, 2011

#1997

Late Night From 07/19
Part 1

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

"China's mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn't owe them anything — except like $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That's mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don't think this is what the Republicans meant by 'closing our borders.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack"

10 "Hey, free pie!"
9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"
8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"
7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"
6 "Duh, winning?"
5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"
4 "Mmmm tasty"
3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"
2 "Don't pie me, bro!"
1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"

Monday, Aug 01, 2011

#1998

Late Night From 07/19
Part 2

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien

"NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black." –Conan O'Brien

"A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver." –Conan O'Brien

"I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

"Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie." –Craig Ferguson

"I think it's cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he'd go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away." –Craig Ferguson

"Man, what a heat wave we are having right now, especially in the Midwest. People are sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch testified today before the House of Commons. He said he was not responsible for the phone hacking scandal. Did you hear his defense? He said he's got AT&T so he can barely listen to anybody." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Aug 02, 2011

#1999

Late Night From 07/20
Part 1

"The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, 'Are there any countries we don't owe money to?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a 'vicious battle' before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt's been struggling in the polls, he lost most of his staff, then he lost the rest of his staff. And to top it off, he lost the startup disc for his wife." –Stevie Colbert

"The Republican presidential field is an embarrassment of riches. In fact, the first two words that come to mind are 'embarrassment' and 'rich.'" –Stephen Colbert

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10. Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot 'Green Acres'
9. Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin
8. They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys
7. The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles
6. Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger
5. Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna
4. Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas
3. Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks
2. President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching 'Ironside'
1. Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

Wed., Aug 03, 2011

#2000

Late Night From 07/20
Part 2

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch is 80, his wife is 42. 80 and 42, that's like halftime at a Cleveland Cavaliers game, isn't it? Please." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you're thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion." –Jay Leno

"A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT's computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, 'Hire that kid on the spot.'" –Jay Leno

"Here is your federal government at work – the FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It's his company, he's the only pilot. They've ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test. They only way you can do that is if you are on drugs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by 'school work,' I mean I was drunk." –Craig Ferguson

"The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by 'track their experiments,' they mean 'play Angry Birds.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing." –Jimmy Kimmel

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