Jokes of the day

1801 - 1900

Monday, Jan 17, 2011


Late Night From 12/20

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"John McCain was opposed to repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War." –David Letterman

"Now if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is out on bail and under house arrest at a 600-acre estate. That will teach him." –David Letterman

"The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army." –Conan O'Brien

"A women's sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from Wikileaks. At least it's better than their last slogan: 'Caps your spill faster than BP.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Levi Johnston reportedly has a new girlfriend in Alaska named Sunny Oglesby. Which raises an interesting question: Is there anyone in Alaska with a normal human name?" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he walks his dog Bo on the White House lawn, but sometimes he has to scoop up Bo's poop. They probably should find someone else to do that. If there's one thing Obama's not good at, it's cleaning up a mess that was left for him." –Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life." –Jay Leno

"It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves." –Jay Leno

"President Obama read his new children's book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction. " –Jay Leno

Tueday, Jan 18, 2011


Late Night From 12/21
Part 1

"Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Madame Tussauds' wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that there are only 786 mountain gorillas left in the world, and that number could go down even further after the premier of the new show, 'Sarah Palin's Congo.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the winter solstice. It's the shortest day of the year, so congratulations, midgets." –Craig Ferguson

"A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census"

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over
9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent
8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage
7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims adjuster name Duane
6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day
5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source
4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year
3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn
2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian
1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King

Wed., Jan 19, 2011


Late Night From 12/21
Part 2

"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won." –David Letterman

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

Thursday, Jan 20, 2011


Late Night From 12/22

"This morning President Obama signed the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell' into law. He would have signed it last night, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of 'Glee.'"–Conan O'Brien

"President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?" –Jay Leno

"The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's Alaska' has been such a big hit for TLC, they're trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn't want Palin to have a second season? Elk." –Jimmy Fallon

"Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree." –David Letterman

"Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One." –David Letterman

Friday, Jan 21, 2011


Late Night From 01/04

"The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." –Jay Leno

"Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop." –Jay Leno

"You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold back east, Christine O'Donnell is using her leftover campaign funds to buy a new house in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." –Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." –David Letterman

"Airports are considering dumping TSA and hiring their own security. You see these TSA guys just standing around with their thumbs up our asses." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Elton John and his partner who have a new baby. You remember two years ago when I said the Republicans would take back the House again when we have an Elton John, Jr. Also, congratulations to Ben & Jerry." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he read three books while he was on vacation. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'showoff.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One man claims PPresident Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That’s terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls." –Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Jan 22, 2011


Late Night From 01/05

"The Republicans now control the House, and they say their plan is to stick to a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you didn't live voting, women and non-whites." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." –David Letterman

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." –David Letterman

"We have a new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. His new slogan: 'Four more tears.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." –Jay Leno

"They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom." –Jay Leno

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"A man was arrested for masturbating while on a flight. He said he was just finishing what the TSA guy started. Now would that be a skyjacking?" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?" –Jay Leno

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." –Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"McCain stands now less a paragon of straight talk and independence for new members to admire, and more like an object lesson of how f*cking mad someone gets when they don't get their way." –Jon Stewart, announcing a new initiative to annoy the hell out of John McCain

"The lights are too bright and it's burning my skin! You're gong to make me look like a Mexican. Build the dang fence!" –angry puppet John McCain, making his debut on The Daily Show

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"

10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

Sunday, Jan 23, 2011


Late Night From 01/06

"John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government." –Stephen Colbert

"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans' reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers a $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Constitution is one of the most important documents in the history of the world, but it's also very boring. It's the kind of thing that makes you wish you never learned to read." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An escaped prisoner in Alaska was on the run for six hours before he was finally caught near Sarah Palin's hometown of Wasilla. When I think of safe places to run, I think 'the woods near Sarah Palin's house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go." –David Letterman

"How about the new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Have you seen this guy's enormous gavel. I'm telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he's got to call a doctor." –David Letterman

"John Boehner -- doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money." –David Letterman

"Birds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas and Louisiana and London. Today I saw my parakeet looking at the obituaries in the newspaper on the bottom of his cage, chirping, 'Petey!'" –David Letterman

"The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress." –Jay Leno

"In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs." –Jay Leno

"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." –Jay Leno

"Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed." –Jay Leno

Monday, Jan 24, 2011


Late Night From 01/10

"I wouldn’t blame our political rhetoric any more than I would blame heavy metal music for Columbine. And that is coming from someone who truly hates our political environment." –Jon Stewart on the Arizona shooting massacre

"I do think that it's a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies, if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifestos of paranoid mad men and what passes for acceptable political and pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot." –Jon Stewart

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House." –Jay Leno

"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers." –Jay Leno

"Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it." –Jimmy Fallon

"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, 'Ha ha. You've got a girl's last name.'" –Conan O'Brien

Tueday, Jan 25, 2011


Late Night From 01/12

"Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year." –Jay Leno

"Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession." –Jay Leno

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers." –Jay Leno

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The blizzard was three hours of howling wind — kind of like Rush Limbaugh's radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is going on a speech-doing tour, and they're charging $400 for tickets. Imagine how much he would get if he could actually speak. He's the Tour-minator. The tour will end in I'll-Be-Back-remento." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wikipedia is 10 years old this week. Well, I read that on Wikipedia, so it's probably not true." –Craig Ferguson

"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Jan 26, 2011


Late Night From 01/17

"I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them, and smell like them, I think it's pretty clear that the Founding Fathers would have hated your guts. And what's more, you would've hated them. They were everything you despise. They studi...ed science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bulls**t." –Bill Maher

"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." –Bill Maher

"You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane, and casting the President as a foreign enemy." –Bill Maher

"Whatever you do, do not compare her to the shooter, because he is a gun-loving lunatic who can't hold a job and leaves rambling messages on the Internet." –Bill Maher

"Why are we listening to a reality TV star anyway? That's all she is. Can I check in with Snooki and the Kate Moss?" –Bill Maher

"Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it's not that he doesn't care, just that it was sad and he's one of those men who's uncomfortable showing emotions in public." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change." –Bill Maher

"Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – 'Dancing with the Stars,' and now prison – somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men." –Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." –Seth Meyers

"Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!" –Stephen Colbert

"Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. “Reince Priebus” is also the name of a car driven by Jay Leno." –David Letterman

Thursday, Jan 27, 2011


Late Night From 01/18

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman

"President Hu Jintao from China is visiting the United States. Ahead of the big state dinner, President Obama went to Hu's hotel and slipped a menu under the door." –David Letterman

"Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. (On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News)" –Jon Stewart

"Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz." –Stephen Colbert

"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it." –Jay Leno

"The debate over repealing healthcare began in the House today. The republicans have their own plan: 'Don't ask, don't get sick.'" –Jay Leno

"There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama's daughters and asked them, 'So what factories do you kids work at?'" –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"Chinese President Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the Unites States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his 'Hu's on first' routine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Jan 28, 2011


Late Night From 01/19

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao.President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." –Jay Leno

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"The state dinner went really well, until the after dinner speeches were hosted by Ricky Gervais." –Jay Leno

"Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner’s new fiance said, 'Good!'" –Jay Leno

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama says he'll go to the Super Bowl if the Chicago Bears are playing in it. Sarah Palin says she'll go to the Super Bowl if actual bears are playing in it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman fainted during a welcoming ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama said, 'Who knows CPR?' President Hu said, 'No, I don't.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"China's President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." –David Letterman

"There was a big dinner for President Hu. General Tso brought his famous chicken." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney's annual autopsy." –David Letterman

"On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant." –David Letterman

Stephen Colbert, after showing MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski complaining about having to do Sarah Palin stories: "Clearly Mika is experiencing what journopsychologists call 'Palin fatigue.' Mika, you need to buck up. I know you think this story has no other purpose than keeping Sarah Palin's name in the news for another news cycle. I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue, and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with random words she's picked up from a thesaurus. I know you think that at best Sarah Palin is a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who will abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include insurrectionists. I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike, and I know you also believe it represents the pinnacle of her potential, and her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants. I know when you arrive at the office each day you pray that Sarah Palin will shut up for just ten f**king minutes. I know, because I can see it in your eyes. Well, guess what, Mika, that's the gig. It's January 2011, and you have two more years of this. So you come in, slap on your make-up and report what Sarah Palin said on Hannity last night. Because that's the news."

Saturday, Jan 29, 2011


Late Night From 01/20

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner." –David Letterman

"The cellist Yo-Yo Ma was there. It's the first yoyo we've had in the White House since George W. Bush." –David Letterman

"Barbra Streisand was also at the White House dinner. Apparently, Hu wanted to meet a Focker." –David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner at the White House with President Obama and first lady Michelle. They were going to exchange gifts from the two countries, but unfortunately everything in our country is now made in their country, so they couldn't do any exchanging." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment when Hu found out that Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner and, out of force of habit, tried to have him arrested." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. There was one very awkward moment when the Chinese President met the Obama daughters and asked, 'So, which factory do you work at?'" –Jay Leno

"At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hu told President Obama's 9-year-old daughter, Sasha, that she's a pretty little girl and asked her how many iPods she could make in an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, they served lobster. Which meant that for once, Joe Biden wasn't the only one wearing a bib." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!" –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary In Office"

10. Spelled 'Two Years' on the south lawn of the White House with cigarette butts
9. Romantic dinner with his favorite teleprompter
8. Loaded staffers on a party bus and drove to Pittsburgh
7. Surprised Joe Biden with an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers
6. Watched Miss Arkansas and her dummies on Dave
5. Went on one of those staged 'I'm a regular guy' burger runs
4. Climbed into a hot bubble bath and read Snooki's book
3. Pardoned Brett Favre
2. Same way President Bush celebrated two years in office: invaded Iraq
1. Began his campaign to replace Regis

Sunday, Jan 30, 2011


Late Night From 01/21

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." –Bill Maher

"Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die." –Bill Maher

"What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. … Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil." –Bill Maher

"Next week Boehner will be sitting behind Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of Old Yeller. The State of Our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'" –Bill Maher

"Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with 'orange man who leaks." –Bill Maher

"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." –Bill Maher

"While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House." –Jay Leno

"While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno

"Even though President Hu was only in Chicago for two days, by the Rahm Emanuel standard, he was able to establish residency and can now run for mayor of Chicago." –Jay Leno

"'The National Enquirer' says Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who’s also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending?" –Jay Leno

"This picture of Obama with President Hu of China has people wondering if our President is dying his hair. Maybe he’s been using a little Just for Presidents." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Jan 31, 2011


Late Night From 01/24

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won." –Stephen Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position." –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

"After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Feb 01, 2011


Late Night From 01/25
Part 1

"The Republican response was actually somewhat gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan." –Conan O'Brien

"Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson." –Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien

"Did everyone see the president's State of the Union speech? He said that one thing, some people clapped and others scowled . . . so that's that." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Feb 02, 2011


Late Night From 01/25
Part 2

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he's Oprah's half brother." –Jay Leno

"You know what that means? We are out of debt!" –Jay Leno

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month." –Jay Leno

"A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn't consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel's name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that's where you live." –Jay Leno

"On the way to work today I drove by another homeless guy with a great voice looking for a job: Keith Olbermann." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Feb 03, 2011


Late Night From 01/26

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister." –Jay Leno

"A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: 'Cover-Your-Facebook.'" –Jay Leno

"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of 'Top Chef.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around." –Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle East, 'Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave the annual State of the Union address last night. I learn something new at these every year. Like, did you know that East Virginia isn't a state?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Feb 04, 2011


Late Night From 01/27
Part 1

"There are all these protests going on in Egypt. I don't know what they're about, but it might have something to do with elections. Or that the streets in Cairo are so overcrowded there's not enough room to 'walk like an Egyptian.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has filed a lawsuit against the Congress cafeteria for damage done to his teeth after he ordered a sandwich wrap and bit into an olive pit. Dennis Kucinich biting into an olive pit is like a regular-sized person biting into a Bocce ball." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know Kucinich means 'kitchen' in lawn gnome?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We're abandoning the color coded warning system for terror alerts and are going back to the old system of tagging people with beards. No, they're going to announce when you get to the airport what kind of search procedures they're using. [Clip of airport with announcer saying, "Today is a testicle search day."] And it goes faster if you put them in a ziploc bag." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Someone hacked the Facebook account of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Or not really hacked. Someone asked for his password and he surrendered it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook says they're very concerned about this. And they are committed to making sure the only people who will be able to take and sell your personal information without your consent is them." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Feb 05, 2011


Late Night From 01/27
Part 2

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing February be a Sarah Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012." –Jay Leno

"As you know, just another huge snowstorm back east. It completely shut down Washington, D.C. It's like the tea party's dream come true. Mother Nature did what they couldn't." –Jay Leno

"This just in: A little while ago the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. The law in Chicago is very clear: Dead people can vote and live people can run." –Jay Leno

"President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O'Brien

"A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last because Kim Jong Il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides." –Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Feb 06, 2011


Late Night From 01/28

"Palin is an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house." –Bill Maher

"Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard." –Seth Meyers

"The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." –Jay Leno

Monday, Feb 07, 2011


Late Night From 01/29

"There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take." –Bill Maher

"You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggesr to masturbate." –Bill Maher

"She didn't look into the camera. She said Ameican was created by a miracle, and secret armies of IRS agents are trying to take awa your light bubls. And then Sarah Palin tweeted, 'Game on, bitch." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin weighed in on Sputnik. She got everything wrong. She said the Russians won the space race and that the Soviet Union collapsed because of Sputnik, which was in 1957, and they collapsed in 1991. She's not even dumb for a politician. She's dumb for a reality show contestant." –Bill Maher

Tueday, Feb 08, 2011


Late Night From 01/31
Part 1

"Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It's like visiting your parents' house." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake." –David Letterman

"They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, 'Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'" –David Letterman

"John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob." –David Letterman

"I don't know much about politics over there (in Egypt), but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there's one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it's that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby's name." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Feb 09, 2011


Late Night From 01/31
Part 2

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." –Conan O'Brien

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak." –Jay Leno

"Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?" –Jay Leno

"I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those 'Mummy' movies." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just 'hang in there.' What a difference two years makes: Remember 'hope and change'? Now it's 'hang in there.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of 'Glee.'" –Jay Leno

Thursday, Feb 10, 2011


Late Night From 02/01
Part 1

"Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it's pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won't run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis." –Conan O'Brien

"There was a huge snowstorm in New York yesterday. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won't meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you're not meeting with Snooki? That's like Obama going, 'Welcome to the State of the Union. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Know About Mitt Romney"

10. Mitt is short for Mitt-thew.
9. I can't begin my day until I've read The Washington Post and Kim Kardashian's tweets.
8. I'm the guy in the photo that comes with your picture frame.
7. I spent six months in a Mexican prison for selling black-market Pillow Pets.
6. Do I smell as good as I look? No!
5. In high school, I was voted 'Mittiest.'
4. I got into politics for the piles and piles of paperwork.
3. Look for my best-selling biography 'They Call Me Baba Romney.'
2. I have absolutely no idea where my birth certificate is.
1. Oprah is my half-sister.

Friday, Feb 11, 2011


Late Night From 02/01
Part 2

"Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Brett Favre was like, 'Come on man, retire already, you're embarrassing yourself.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Egypt, the unrest continues. Is 'unrest' a good word? Unrest is one of the un-goodest words ever. A better way to describe what's going on over there is that people are going nuts in Egypt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I've been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don't walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're also tired of having a president named Hosni." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It's the most-angry mob I've seen since the 'Fire Dave' rally last year." –David Letterman

"Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"Chicago is expecting 20 inches of snow. Rahm Emanuel says he's happy he doesn't really live there." –Jay Leno

"The owners of Chick-fil-A restaurants were very anti-gay-marriage, but now they've reversed their stand, In fact, today they introduced the Chick-on-Chick-fil-A." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Feb 12, 2011


Late Night From 02/02
Part 1

"President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton said regarding the crises in Egypt that the Obama administration is not advocating or working toward any specific outcome. Same policy they had during the economic crises. Just kind of go along and see what happens." –Jay Leno

"Today Al Gore blamed the current snow storms on global warming. Al Gore said, 'a rise in global temperature creates havoc ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, increasing violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species.' And finally Tipper said, 'Al will you just pay the kid for shoveling the walk, please.'" –Jay Leno

‎"These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Alright, Hosni. Now you've gone too far. Hands off Anderson Cooper. There is not to be a silvery wisp out of place on that man's glorious head." –Jon Stewart

Sunday, Feb 13, 2011


Late Night From 02/02
Part 2

"While in Egypt, CNN's Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises 2 questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced … he will not run for another term as president. … The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis. And guess where Regis is going? He's going to run Egypt." –Conan O'Brien

"President Mubarak says he won't step down until September, but that he won't seek another rigged election. He plans to retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Is this guy really leaving in September, or is he just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"Anderson Cooper from CNN was there (in Egypt), and he got punched 10 different times. And I thought, well, wait a minute, that happens to me walking to work every day (here in New York)." –David Letterman

"Apparently something is going on over in Egypt. Anderson Cooper and his crew got attacked by pro-government forces. He got hit in the head about 10 times, and I think he got kicked in the Mini Cooper too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." –Jay Leno

Monday, Feb 14, 2011


Late Night From 02/03

"Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath called “Gift of Rest.” I hear he’s been working on it 24/6." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, “ . . . of Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would resign, but Egypt would then descend into chaos. Then he said, 'Now, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After the big snowstorm in Chicago, Mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel has been pitching in digging stranded cars out of the snow. Of course he didn’t help his campaign by telling people, 'Thank God I don’t live here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hosni's son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become President, which is just as well. If you've seen one Mubarak you’ve seen Gamal." –Conan O'Brien

"This is day three of the storm that has snowbliterated the United States. Finally America's extra layer of fat comes in handy. Take that, Michelle Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A zoo in Britain has a gorilla that walks upright. Not only that, but he texts while he’s doing it. I heard about this. Within ten minutes we had fifty jokes, all with the same punch line. Arnold Schwarzenegger." –David Letterman

Tueday, Feb 15, 2011


Late Night From 02/04

"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher

"All of the Arab potentates and their fat cat entourages are on the run. Tunisia's president is leaving, Mubarak is not going to run for re-election, the guy in Yemen is going to leave. This is great news -- not necessarily for the Middle East, but for real estate agents in Beverly Hills." –Bill Maher

"President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy." –Bill Maher

"It’s just a tradition that First Ladies get to pick some mundane up until now non-controversial cause to promote. Lady Bird Johnson beautifying America, Barbara Bush had literacy. Betty Ford’s was no hard liquor before 10 AM. Our last First Lady Laura Bush worked tirelessly against illiteracy, so between her efforts and her husband’s, it was a tie. Hillary Clinton did pioneering work in looking the other way…" –Bill Maher on Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign

"I mean Rush Limbaugh makes a crack about this every week, because who better to get your health advice from than a drug addicted fat man. Rush, I have proof that no one in the government is forcing you to eat right and exercise. YOU!" –Bill Maher on Limbaugh's criticisms of Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign

"Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno

"Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the 'American Idol' judges." –Jay Leno

Wed., Feb 16, 2011


Late Night From 02/07

"The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen." –Jay Leno

"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien

"John Madden sat next to former President Bush at the game. There was an awkward moment when they were both caught on the Kiss Cam." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien

"At President Obama's Super Bowl party, they had cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizza. So much for Michelle Obama's healthy eating initiative." –David Letterman

"During the Super Bowl halftime show, the Black Eyed Peas changed the lyrics of their song 'Where is the Love' to call on President Obama to do better in education and jobs. And Christina Aguilera changed the lyrics of the national anthem — just because." –Jimmy Fallon

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O'Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing." –Craig Ferguson

" I was going to watch the Super Bowl at the Late-Night Hosts Clubhouse. But last year Jay Leno was looking for something to cut the cake, and Conan said, “Why don’t you use the knife you stuck in my back?” Awkward. So I just watched at home this year." –Craig Ferguson

"Do you know where Osama bin Laden watched the Super Bowl? In his man cave." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Feb 17, 2011


Late Night From 02/08
Part 1

"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a 'good friend.' Why am I not surprised by this?" –David Letterman

"Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires." –David Letterman

"Recent storms have been very tough on New York City. Just today, Mayor Bloomberg was busy cutting the ribbon on a new pothole." –David Letterman

"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno

"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

Friday, Feb 18, 2011


Late Night From 02/08
Part 2

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson

"The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it's not called a memoir, it's called a diary." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as 'adorable but also substantial,' while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as 'court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama called the coach of the Green Bay packers to congratulate him. Then he called to console the victims of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show." –Conan O'Brien

"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Feb 19, 2011


Late Night From 02/09

"President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." –Jay Leno

"The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme." –Jay Leno

"The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno

"The Catholic Church has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The number one confession? Taking the Lord's name in vain after the iPhone drops your call." –Jay Leno

"On the 'Today' show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins 'magnificent' and Chelsea Clinton a 'solid young woman.' In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s." –Jimmy Fallon

"The demonstrations are getting bigger in Cairo. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas, and when that didn’t work, a Black Eyed Peas halftime show." –Conan O'Brien

"Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and 135 teleprompters." –Conan O'Brien

"A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the 'It’s a Small World' ride for 40 minutes. When they heard it, the Chilean miners said, 'Wow, we got off easy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. You can tell which they are because their relationship status is 'It’s simple.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. Now, maybe she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing." –David Letterman

"G.I. Joe was created on this day in 1964, so tonight G.I. Joe’s going out with Ken to celebrate his birthday and the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell." –Craig Ferguson

"Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Feb 20, 2011


Late Night From 02/10

"A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay." –Bill Maher

"I got to give it up to him. He does look really buff in that picture. In fact, after he resigned he got a call from Barney Frank begging him to stay." –Bill Maher

"This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn't so much as deposed as de-friended." –Bill Maher

"For me the great mystery of this whole revolution was that for three weeks, these people were in this square with no bathrooms. How did they go? This will always be known in Egyptian history as the riddle of the sphincter." –Bill Maher

"Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O'Brien

"The Egyptian President is still refusing to leave. They're calling him 'The Leno of the Nile.'" –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Feb 21, 2011


Late Night From 02/11

"This is the start of New York's Fashion Week. I just talked with N.Y. Congressman Chris Lee, and the told me shirts are totally out this season. He was married and looking for dates on Craigslist by sending shirtless photos of himself. He listed his marital status as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV." –Jay Leno

"Five years ago, Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy. Where does the time go? That was like five heart attacks ago." –David Letterman

Tueday, Feb 22, 2011


Late Night From 02/14

"It was Egypt's first week without Mubarak. He finally stepped down because of that sexy picture of him on the Internet." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he's ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, 'OK, 2nd most painful choice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

"Unfortunately, there's only one job available for an 82-year-old man [photo of Hosni & Kelly Ripa]" –Seth Meyers

"Hosni Mubarak stepped down. You have to ask yourself if he's really leaving or if he's just pulling a Leno." –David Letterman

Wed., Feb 23, 2011


Late Night From 02/15
Part 1

"Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he's really hard to evict." –Conan O'Brien

"Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn't understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland." –David Letterman

"The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it's 2011. People still read newspapers?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Feb 24, 2011


Late Night From 02/15
Part 2

"President Obama delivered his 2012 budget to Congress yesterday, but it probably won't get much action, since they still haven't yet passed a budget for 2011. But to be fair, they have been busy posting shirtless photos of themselves on Craigslist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, 'Deal!' So he fled." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

Friday, Feb 25, 2011


Late Night From 02/16
Part 1

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'" –Jay Leno

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy.' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

"The military is now running Egypt. Well, that never goes wrong, does it?" –David Letterman

"Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they're saying he's an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that's me." –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Il just turned 70 years old — but he doesn't look a day over crazy." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Feb 26, 2011


Late Night From 02/16
Part 2

“President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like Farmville, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed cutting funding for President Obama's teleprompter. Oh man, when Obama finds out he's going to be speechless." –Jimmy Fallon

"Borders Books has filed for bankruptcy and will close all 200 of its superstores. When Sarah Palin heard that she went, 'Finally, we're closing the borders.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Feb 27, 2011


Late Night From 02/17

"Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care." –Bill Maher

"New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men." Bill Maher

Monday, Feb 28, 2011


Late Night From 02/18

"President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They're all in Farmville." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace." –Jay Leno

"The other day on 'Live With Regis and Kelly,' First Lady Michelle Obama said she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. Of course, she said, 'You can't go wrong with jewelry.' Lindsay Lohan said, 'Oh, yeah, you can.'" –Jay Leno

"In the Mideast Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters. The Shiites are hitting their fans." –Jay Leno

Tueday, March 1, 2011


Late Night From 02/21
Part 1

"I'm glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people have Presidents Day off, especially people who work for the government, like postal workers — and investment bankers." –Craig Ferguson

"It's not fun to be president. Half the country hates you and the other half is disappointed in you. I know exactly what that's like." –Craig Ferguson

"President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square." –Craig Ferguson

"Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

10. William Howard Taft was so fat, he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents
9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, 'Hellosevelt?'
8. The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye
7. Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays
6. To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick
5. During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room
4. John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom
3. Zachary Taylor's vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus
2. Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady
1. George W. Bush was not born in the United States

Wed., March 2, 2011


Late Night From 02/21
Part 2

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." –Conan O'Brien

"They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt." –David Letterman

"People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi." –David Letterman

"There's a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno." –David Letterman

"If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood." –David Letterman

"Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Late Night From 02/22
Part 1

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since — kind of like Keith Olbermann." –Jay Leno

"Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, 'Deal.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers." –Jay Leno

"In honor of the revolution a couple in Egypt have named their newborn daughter Facebook. Hope they don’t start ignoring their son MySpace. It’s going to cause a lot of problems when that girl turns 16 and all the boys want to be on Facebook." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It's Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out." –Craig Ferguson

"If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he'll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn't want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics." –Craig Ferguson

"It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn't get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, March 4, 2011


Late Night From 02/22
Part 2

"Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago." –Conan O'Brien

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"In order to acknowledge gay members Facebook added two new relationship options: 'In a civil union' and 'In a domestic partnership.' Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added 'One time in college.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn't following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rush shouldn't talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called 'Let's Move.' I think Americans have been very clear in their answer, 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Geographic channel has a new show that gives an inside look at the Secret Service. That's right, it's called 'Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else's money and spent it on something I don't need." –Jay Leno

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Late Night From 02/23
Part 1

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Fallon

"All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, 'Now there’s a coincidence.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He's the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it." –Craig Ferguson

"Gadhafi was rambling on military TV and no one was paying attention. Now he's crossed the line, because that's my thing." –Craig Ferguson

"Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That's like an Australian bartender telling you that you've had too much to drink." –Craig Ferguson

"In 50 years, gas-powered cars will be antiquated. You'll only see them in museums, or in Jay Leno's garage." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Moammar Gadhafi "

10. Mallomar Cookie
9. Milli Vanilli
8. Grande No-Foam Latte
7. Live! with Regis and Kelly
6. Lady QaQa
5. Mumizzle Qadizzle
4. Mouthful of Taffy
3. Kathy Mavrikakis
2. Gadhaffy Duck
1. Qarmelo Anthony

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Late Night From 02/23
Part 2

"Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies." –Jay Leno

"The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It's not a stimulus package, it's a 'don't overthrow me' package." –Jay Leno

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International." –Conan O'Brien

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. Prostitutes say they’re not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, March 7, 2011


Late Night From 02/24

"Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on Al Qaeda. Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions." –Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs." –Jay Leno

"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago." –Jay Leno

"The White House hosted a concert to celebrate the 'Motown sound,' which featured Nick Jonas. Nothing says Motown like a Jonas brother." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she's loved India ever since she saw 'Hoosiers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook has decided to ban a new app that sends you an e-mail when your crush becomes single. So you'll just have to find out if they're single the old-fashioned way: by clicking on their Facebook profile 30 or 40 times a day." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, March 8, 2011


Late Night From 02/25

"Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell." –Conan O'Brien

"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese." –Conan O'Brien

"'King Kong' opened 78 years ago. It's the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver." –David Letterman

"CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen's show, 'Two and a Half Men.' Now I'm back to being CBS' No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

Wed., March 9, 2011


Late Night From 02/26

"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She's hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she's heard so much about." –Jay Leno

"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They've already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Late Night From 03/01
Part 1

"Bristol Palin is releasing a book called 'Not Afraid of Life.' Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is releasing a book called, 'I'm Afraid of Books.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin was so accomplished as Governor she graduated early." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in Moammar Gadhafi's First United States Interview"

10. Neither he nor Christiane Amanpour could pronounce each other's names
9. Asked for Lady Gaga's cell number
8. Condemned the Academy for not giving Best Actor Oscar to Jesse Eisenberg
7. Wanted to plug his latest project: 'Big Moammar's House'
6. Left early to attend Justin Bieber's 17th birthday party
5. Kept stopping to phone Mike Fancesca at WFAN
4. Explained how to do a hassle-free home perm
3. The freestyle rapping
2. Livid he wasn't chosen for next season of 'Dancing With the Stars'
1. Claimed to be a 'rock star from Mars riding a Mercury surfboard'

Friday, March 11, 2011


Late Night From 03/01
Part 2

"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno

"The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien

"They're saying Gadhafi is 'disconnected from reality.' According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic." –Conan O'Brien

"New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as 'doing what you need to do to get the part.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Late Night From 03/02

"The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore." –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went." –Conan O'Brien

"Oprah has been invited by Egypt's new government to do a show from Cairo. So they've replaced one power-mad tyrant who's been ruling for 30 years with another one." –Conan O'Brien

"A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called 'The Wal-Mart of Weed.' It's like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.N. is imposing a no-fly zone over Libya. Forget Libya, how about a no-fly zone over the Hello Deli?" –David Letterman

"Happy Independence Day to Texas. For 9 years, Texas was its own country. I think Texans still consider themselves another country." –Craig Ferguson

"Charlie Sheen created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Charlie's two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It's so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Late Night From 03/03
Part 1

"Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control." –Conan O'Brien

"Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say 'No Gadhafi' and the other half say 'No fatties.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton has turned down an offer to appear on '30 Rock.' He's too busy mulling over an offer to star in 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country's biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs." –Jimmy Fallon

"I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church." –David Letterman

Monday, March 14, 2011


Late Night From 03/03
Part 2

"Gov. Scott Walker's dispute with Wisconsin's labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he's attacking his own people. That's not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi." –Jay Leno

"Mexico's president arrived in Washington. He's here to do the work that American presidents won't do." –Jay Leno

"Charlie Sheen said that he's now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya." –Jay Leno

"In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud." –Jay Leno

"Jessica Simpson's various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?" –Jay Leno

Tueday, March 15, 2011


Late Night From 03/04
Part 1

"Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Wisconsin Republicans are accusing the missing Democrats of secretly sneaking back into the state to visit their wives. A politician sneaking into his own house to have sex with his own wife. You never see that." –Jay Leno

"Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, 'We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?'" –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sold his 1977 Peugeot 504 for 2.5 million at an auction. It even came with the phone books he has to sit on to drive it." –Jay Leno

"The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: 'Mexico. Come to us or we'll come to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., March 16, 2011


Late Night From 03/04
Part 2

"New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman" –Bill Maher

"One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, 'I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there.' So yes, it's childish. It's needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go." –Bill Maher, on Charlie Sheen

"Obviously, Charlie is saying crazy stuff. It's the fact that he's so confident in what he's saying. It reminds me of George Bush." –Bill Maher

"The Libyan rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know." –Bill Maher

"I don't think Khadafi gets it, because half the country is in rebel hands, his military is defecting and he's being tried at the International Criminal Court. Somebody asked him today what he's doing. He said, 'Duh, winning!'" –Bill Maher

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Late Night From 03/07

"In case you're unfamiliar with the term, journalism is an old-time occupation like boot blacking or alchemy." –Stephen Colbert

"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag." –Stephen Colbert

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is a man who cheated on his first wife and left her while she was in bed with cancer. Then he cheated on his second wife with his current, third wife. I don't think actual newts are this slimy." –Bill Maher

"But, he didn't ever have to go away. And now he's going to run for president and lecture gays about the sanctity of marriage. I can't even wrap my head around this. There are three women in America who agreed to f**k Newt Gingrich?!" –Bill Maher

Friday, March 18, 2011


Late Night From 03/08

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien

"Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Italian Prime Minister underwent 4 hours of dental surgery. It was his 2nd-longest oral procedure of the day." –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome back to the part of the program I'm legally obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime." –Stephen Colbert

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Late Night From 03/09

"Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in a new HBO movie. Julianne said, 'But I know nothing about politics,' and the producers said, 'Perfect!'" –Craig Ferguson

"The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn't look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden's being held back a grade." –Craig Ferguson

"In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan." –Craig Ferguson

"In a new interview, Newt Ginrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: 'You're not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'" –Conan O'Brien

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Late Night From 03/10

"After 60 years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Los Angeles residents are goig to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession." –Jay Lenoasddddd

"Newt Gingrich has started a web site to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs." –Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called 'Car Bomb and Driver.'" –David Letterman

Monday, March 21, 2011


Late Night From 03/11

"It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he's a huge a**hole." –Bill Maher

"I always thought the point of evidence was that if you didn't have enough, you're not allowed to keep them in prison. It's one of the many differences we have in this country between prisons and zoos. You don't really need anything on an aardvark." –Jon Stewart, on military tribunals at Guantanamo

"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife number two with now wife number three, says he prays for God's forgiveness. He also prays that wife number three never finds out about Vanessa." –Conan O'Brien

Tueday, March 22, 2011


Late Night From 03/14

"Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they're so dangerous will make them feel more welcome." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Newt knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife." –Stephen Colbert

"Charlie Sheen — he's our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke." –Stephen Colbert

"They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead." –Bill Maher

Wed., March 23, 2011


Late Night From 03/15

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." –Jay Leno

"Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more." –Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida has now launched a woman's magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can't get 60 Senators to agree on anything." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Late Night From 03/16

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Have you met Todd?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, “All in favor vote 'like.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told middle school students that he was always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the principal's office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

Friday, March 25, 2011


Late Night From 03/17

"President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America." –Jay Leno

"Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It's Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a 'trickle.'" –Jay Leno

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Late Night From 03/17

"President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America." –Jay Leno

"Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It's Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a 'trickle.'" –Jay Leno

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Late Night From 03/18

"They said the radioactive plume came here today. Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and for once it wasn't your job." –Bill Maher

"We will always find a way to make this about us. Even though there's really no chance of anybody getting any negligible amount of radiation, Americans on the West Coast are desperately buying up and hoarding iodine pills. Isn't it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies." –Bill Maher

"The head of Tokyo Electric today broke down in tears during his news conference. But to keep that in perspective, he's known around the office over there as John Boehner-san." –Bill Maher

"They're using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they're going to try that here on Charlie Sheen." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan, and she's demanding that we invade tsuanmi. She said these tsunamians will not get away with this." –Bill Maher

"A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school's new education plan, 'No Child Left . . .'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, March 28, 2011


Late Night From 03/21

"We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart

"And aren't we out of money? You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles." –Jon Stewart

"Remember when President Obama said we can't fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we're fighting three wars." –Jay Leno

"Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they'll try it here." –Jay Leno

"A miniscule amount of radiation from Japan reached L.A. People panicked and ran out and bought gas masks and radiation suits. Then they went to the tanning salon." –Jay Leno

"Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts popping, get the hell out." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper." –David Letterman

"The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, 'whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, March 29, 2011


Late Night From 03/22
Part 1

'President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President's wife. I'm not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven't been any games in a few days. It's been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan." –Jimmy Fallon

"Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That's basically admitting you're evil." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black

‎"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black

"This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole."–Lewis Black

Wed., March 30, 2011


Late Night From 03/22
Part 2

"We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex." –David Letterman

"According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can't say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we're fighting the Libya war." –Jay Leno

"We know more about President Obama's basketball picks than his plans for Libya." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. As if the Jews have not suffered enough." –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina legislator introduced a bill to make it illegal for prisoners to use Facebook. They're supposed to be doing time, not wasting it." –Jay Leno

"A problem for our military in Libya is that they can't tell the rebels from Gadhafi's military. The U.N. has now declared that the war be fought as 'shirts vs. skins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn't good enough for him anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Late Night From 03/23
Part 1

"Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head." –David Letterman

"Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant." –David Letterman

"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One." –David Letterman

"Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours worth." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, April 1, 2011


Late Night From 03/23
Part 2

"It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that. We still have troops in Germany." –Jay Leno

"Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they've never been used before." –Jay Leno

"Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down." –Jay Leno

"We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn." –Conan O'Brien

"When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, 'I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist." –Conan O'Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'" –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, April 2, 2011


Late Night From 03/25
Part 1

"House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that." –Jay Leno

"President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn't get in, Obama said 'Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A study found Equador, Venezuela and Colombia have the most well-endowed men in the world. The study was conducted by TSA screeners at JFK’s International Terminal." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama returned home from Latin America but the door to the Oval Office was locked when he arrived. Now the U.S. is at war with a door." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama returned from South America and found the White House door locked. The NFL players are locked out. President Obama is locked out. When Black History Month is over, it’s really over." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Late Night From 03/24
Part 2

"Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice." –Jay Leno

"For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress." –Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he's complaining that Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It’s the same as Newt's policy on adultery. He can’t make up his mind." –Jay Leno

Monday, April 4, 2011


Late Night From 03/25
Part 1

"According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic." –Jay Leno

"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, 'In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.' Which is Libyan for 'Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'" –Jay Leno

"There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good." –Jimmy Fallon

“Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.” –Stephen Colbert

"You got your f**kin’ bombs! What more do you need?!”–Jon Stewart on right-wing criticism of Obama’s actions in Libya

Tueday, April 5, 2011


Late Night From 03/25
Part 2

"Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she's going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?" –Bill Maher

"If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" –Bill Maher

"For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, 'reckless.'" –Bill Maher on the U.S. handling of Libya

"It's so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who's doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife." –Bill Maher

"A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country – I won't tell you which one – is a majority birther party. That's right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann says she will launch her Presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma." –Jay Leno

"President Obama came back from South America and couldn’t get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window." –Jay Leno

"General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now." –Jay Leno

Wed., April 6, 2011


Late Night From 03/28
Part 1

"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? "No, I Wasn't Born There." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'" –Conan O'Brien

"General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon says we'll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire." –David Letterman

"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman

"Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That's like the eight years of the Bush administration." –David Letterman

"I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are a**holes." –Jon Stewart

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Late Night From 03/28
Part 2

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno

Friday, April 8, 2011


Late Night From 03/29

"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest episode of 'Dancing With the Stars' was preceded by Obama's new show, 'Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked." –Jay Leno

"President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative." –Jay Leno

"Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it's OK." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi has been described as a maniacal despot clinging to power. Wait a minute, that's me." –David Letterman

Saturday, April 9, 2011


Late Night From 03/30

"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn't follow the news." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, 'Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill Clinton is writing the introduction to a novel by a former college roommate. He says, "Thanks for always respecting the sock on the doorknob, bro." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Moammar Gadhafi Can Improve His Image"

10. Less murdering
9. Capture and return the Bronx Zoo cobra
8. Release hit novelty song 'Moammar Said There'd Be Days Like This'
7. Promote himself from colonel to general
6. Bring back the Ukrainian nurse
5. Share hairstyling tips for getting that coveted Philip Michael Thomas look
4. Replace Gilbert Gottfried as Aflac duck
3. Just for fun, throw in some more Qs
2. Go on tour with Hosni Mubarak as the 'Original Dictators of Comedy'
1. Die

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Late Night From 03/30

"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn't follow the news." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, 'Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill Clinton is writing the introduction to a novel by a former college roommate. He says, "Thanks for always respecting the sock on the doorknob, bro." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Moammar Gadhafi Can Improve His Image"

10. Less murdering
9. Capture and return the Bronx Zoo cobra
8. Release hit novelty song 'Moammar Said There'd Be Days Like This'
7. Promote himself from colonel to general
6. Bring back the Ukrainian nurse
5. Share hairstyling tips for getting that coveted Philip Michael Thomas look
4. Replace Gilbert Gottfried as Aflac duck
3. Just for fun, throw in some more Qs
2. Go on tour with Hosni Mubarak as the 'Original Dictators of Comedy'
1. Die

Monday, April 11, 2011


Late Night From 03/31
Part 1

"The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them." –David Letterman

"Uganda said Gaddafi could come live there in exile, which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin said on Fox News that we are in a 'squirmish' with Libya. When she was corrected, she said, 'Listen, I shouldn't be expected to get everything 100 percent Accura.'" –Conan O'Brien

"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has a magazine, and the spring issue features a profile of Moammar Gadhafi. It also features a women's section called 'Death to Cottage Cheese Thighs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was offered the first pitch for opening day, but he declined because he's a Muslim that hates our national pastime. Either that or he's busy with Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, April 12, 2011


Late Night From 03/31
Part 2

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is getting criticized from both sides for having no clear exit strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Gaddafi. So I think it balances out a little bit." –Jay Leno

"Obama’s bracket — busted. None of his picks are going to the Final Four. I mean, the one time he takes quick, decisive action, and look what happened." –Jay Leno

"President Obama didn't throw any first pitches for opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We're not sure how long they'll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno

"If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News." –Jay Leno

"The IRS is auditing more millionaires than ever before. Especially real estate millionaires with funny hair who are questioning where the President was born." –Jay Leno

Wed., April 13, 2011


Late Night From 04/01
Part 1

"President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, 'April Fools'!'" –Jay Leno

"If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series"

10. 'From Sneer To Eternity'
9. 'Dial M For Medic'
8. 'The Fat, the Bald, and the Ugly'
7. 'Clear!'
6. 'Mr. Cheney Goes to Washington and Everything Goes to Hell'
5. 'Do the Wrong Thing'
4. 'Lord of the Onion Rings' (You know, because he's fat)
3. 'How I Waterboarded Your Mother'
2. 'Raging Bullcrap'
1. 'Lawrence Of Arrhythmia'

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Late Night From 04/01
Part 2

"The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers." – Bill Maher

"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead." –Bill Maher

"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." –Bill Maher

"TLC will start airing new episodes of 'Kate Plus 8' starting this Monday. And they’re going to keep airing them until Gaddafi agrees to step down." –Jimmy Fallon

"I've made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I'll be making a lot more." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn’t have a birth certificate. Let’s just say he doesn’t. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one?" –David Letterman

Friday, April 15, 2011


Late Night From 04/02
Part 1

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because 'SpongeBob' was on." –Conan O'Brien

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The people at Charlie Sheen’s show were all mad, which I don’t understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you’re mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

"No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Late Night From 04/02
Part 2

"President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"As far as I'm concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes." –Craig Ferguson

"I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor." –Craig Ferguson

"We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Late Night From 04/05
Part 1

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

"Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch." –Stephen Colbert

"I love Dick Morris. It’s as if cholesterol and bile had a baby." –Jon Stewart

Monday, April 18, 2011


Late Night From 04/05
Part 2

"There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There is a lot of speculation as to what the tunnel’s true purpose is, whether it’s for security or transportation. Or, maybe it leads directly to Oprah’s bedroom."  –Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? "Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really." –Jay Leno

"It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before." –Jay Leno

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

Tueday, April 19, 2011


Late Night From 04/06
Part 1

"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House says we'll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they're predicting about 12 years." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Campaign Promises For 2012"

10. Be more of a warlock, less of a troll
9. Keep unemployment below 75 percent
8. Fight three wars and the fourth one is free
7. Replace space shuttle with this (video of Don Rickles firing a rocket)
6. Get fat like the rest of America
5. Send troops to quell feud between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey
4. Fortune cookies actually tell fortunes, no more of this lucky numbers crap
3. Less talk, more rock
2. Pardon Lindsay Lohan
1. Go back to being that cool, smoking badass we all fell in love with

Wed., April 20, 2011


Late Night From 04/06
Part 2

"The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden..." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?" –Jay Leno

"Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing." –Jay Leno

"The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government could still be working." –Jay Leno

"Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Late Night From 04/07
Part 1

"If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they're 'non-essential.' Wouldn't it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?" –Conan O'Brien

"If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House confirmed that President Obama got a letter from Moammar Gadhafi. They wouldn't confirm the contents of the letter, but it did end with the question, 'Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn't get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert

Friday, April 22, 2011


Late Night From 04/07
Part 2

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, 'Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, 'That's change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'" –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's oldest friends has just been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. You can tell he's a friend of Obama's. Although he hired the prostitute, his grandchildren are going to have to pay for it." –Jay Leno

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Late Night From 04/07
Part 3

"Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can't agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here's my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said he can't run because he has the #1 show on NBC. Which is kind of like having the nicest house in Haiti." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Late Night From 04/08

"Republicans are obsessed with abortion. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats?" –Bill Maher

"Today President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes, We Can' to 'Have It Your Way.'" –Bill Maher, on Democrats capitulating to Republican budget demands

"Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?" –Bill Maher

"The only real difference between Glenn Beck and Paul Revere is that when Paul Revere told you the British were coming, they were, in fact, coming." –Jon Stewart

"I was devastated. In fact, last night I went home and finished off a whole pint of George Soros' Caliphate Crunch. Rum raisin with chocolate-covered micro chips." –Jon Stewart on Glenn Beck's departure from Fox News

"The Bravo Network has canceled 'Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.' At last a government shutdown we can feel good about." –Jay Leno

Monday, April 25, 2011


Late Night From 04/11
Part 1

"To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was 'Real Housewives of D.C.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, 'Because 'Glee' will be in reruns.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations." –Jay Leno

"Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?" –Jay Leno

"Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president." –Jay Leno

"I almost didn't come to work today. I'm so depressed we still have a government. And we could have blamed it on the Democrats." –Stephen Colbert

Tueday, April 26, 2011


Late Night From 04/11
Part 2

"Republicans and Democrats have agreed to a deal. After intense negotiations, they agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding extension to keep this country not moving forward." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm so glad the government is still running. If it stopped, who would give me my parking tickets – Santa?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal ... to screw each other." –David Letterman

"It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

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