Jokes of the day

1701 - 1800

Sunday, Oct 10, 2010

#1701

Late Night From 10/01
Part 1

"Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard." –Bill Maher

"Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff, is quitting. He said he loves it in Washington, he just wanted to spend more time with his f*cking family." –Bill Maher

"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD." –Bill Maher

"Rich Sanchez of CNN got in trouble. Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired -- as Meg Whitman's housekeeper." –Bill Maher

Monday, Oct 11, 2010

#1702

Late Night From 10/01
Part 2

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher

"I feel bad for my Part in this, and then the feeling passes when I imagine her in the Senate introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012." –Bill Maher

"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher

"That is not the only election shocker to come out of this state. Jerry Brown checked his personal records and found out he died in 1991. That's a hell of a choice we have." –Bill Maher

Tueday, Oct 12, 2010

#1703

Late Night From 10/04
Part 1

"The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn't get anything done?" –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

10. "It's the damn bedbugs"
9. "Didn't think it was possible to get fired from a network no one watches"
8. "Just trying to get some publicity for my Twitter"
7. "Excuses for what?"
6. "Always wanted to go back to doing weather in Zanesville, Ohio"
5. "How come when Jackie Mason says the same thing, it's hilarious?"
4. "Trying to impress Mel Gibson"
3. "Wanted time off to watch Bruce Willis on Letterman"
2. "Accidentally took a handful of Larry King's heart pills"
1. "Hate-filled rant was an audition for Fox News"

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Address Rick Sanchez Firing on 'Daily Show'
Stephen Colbert Looks At Tea Party Coloring Books

Wed., Oct 13, 2010

#1704

Late Night From 10/04
Part 2

"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno

"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno

"We're now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you're having a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon

"They say Osama bin Laden is struggling to stay relevant. Welcome to the club. In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it's hot now, wait until he gets to hell." –David Letterman

Thursday, Oct 14, 2010

#1705

Late Night From 10/05

"Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as 'sit,' 'stay,' and 'fix the economy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christine O'Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who's against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She's fighting back against the charges she's a witch with a new ad in which she says, 'I'm not a witch...I'm you.' I don't think this is a good strategy because I'm crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. If she's me then she masturbates constantly. And if she's me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she's a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank!" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she's not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, 'Hey, that's my slogan.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno

"Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Lewis Black Takes on the Education Crisis
Daily Show: Green the Army Now

Friday, Oct 15, 2010

#1706

Late Night From 10/06
Part 1

"The latest Gallup poll gives congressional Republicans the best poll numbers they've ever had. They say this could be the biggest Republican year since 1894. So for the second time, John McCain could be swept to victory." –Jay Leno

"President Obama wants community colleges to produce an additional 5 million graduates by 2020. People in community college were like, 'Whoa, you want us to finish in only 10 years? Stop with the pressure.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at Fox News"

10. Accidentally said something positive about a Democrat
9. News ticker reads 'Bosses crazy, send help'
8. Today's top story: Is there anything more delicious than bacon?
7. Been criticizing Obama for not doing enough to prevent World War I
6. Bill O'Reilly inviting guests to enter the 'No Pants Zone'
5. Crime stories eerily similar to plot of most recent 'Hawaii Five-O'
4. Spent five hours today breaking down the Mets playoff chances
3. Thinking about hiring Rick Sanchez
2. Since June, Glenn Beck has been doing this nonstop (Beck barking)
1. They're thinking of giving the 10:00 p.m. slot to Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Reveals 'Rally to Restore' Sanity Location
The Daily Show Explores Divided Delaware

Saturday, Oct 16, 2010

#1707

Late Night From 10/06
Part 2

"Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?" " –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's already got a short list of running mates. He's thinking about Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Osbourne . . . He's ready to go." " –David Letterman

"Trump refers to the White House as a '200-year-old tear-down.'" –David Letterman

"There are rumors of an Obama-Hillary ticket for 2012, though some insiders sayObama doesn't feel he needsHillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno

"Former vice president and presidential candidate Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them 'idiot boards.' Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, 'Walter Mondale is still alive?'" –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell has a new ad in which she tells voters, 'I'm you, I'm just like you.' Of course, a lot of people are going, 'Really, you're me? Well, I don't belong in the U.S. Senate either. I want somebody smarter than me, and that's not you!" –Jay Leno

Sunday, Oct 17, 2010

#1708

Late Night From 10/07

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman

"Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world. I'm not saying Pelosi's jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he'd ever seen. You don't do that. Just give them some candy." –Craig Ferguson

"They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I'm thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn't mean anything." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can't imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election." –Jay Leno

"Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Mocks His Testimony To Congress On Letterman
Colbert Mocks Angle, Vitter For Using 'Scary Minorities' Stock Photos

Monday, Oct 18, 2010

#1709

Vacation

Tueday, Oct 19, 2010

#1710

Vacation

Wed., Oct 20, 2010

#1711

Late Night From 10/08
Part 1

"Here in California we also have a bit of a scandal. Jerry Brown was leaving a message on somebody's phone line and he thought he hung up, but he didn't. And then you can hear somebody say, 'Meg Whitman is a whore.' You know, some candidates have trouble with the Internet, Facebook, or Twitter. Jerry is still getting the hang of the phone." –Bill Maher

"Sharron Angle, every week this woman gets crazier. Now she says that Sharia Law – you know, strict Islamic law like they have in Saudi Arabia – is taking hold in American cities in Michigan and Texas. Even Glenn Beck says, 'Where does she get this s*it?" –Bill Maher

"Todd Palin – have you heard this story? In Alaska, Joe Miller – he's the teabagger nut who's running for the Senate there – they got into a big brouhaha because apparently Sarah Palin put this guy on the map, and then Joe Miller was asked if Sarah Palin could be president, and he said, 'I don't know.' So then Todd Palin, all pissed off, wrote him a bunch of emails full of grammatical errors and spelling errors. Don't f*ck with Todd Palin. He will make you an offer he can't pronounce. You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horse's ass in your bed, like he does everyday." –Bill Maher

“There’s going to be a big debate next week between the Senate candidates there. This is the first debate for the anti-masturbation witch candidate Christine O’Donnell. She must be very nervous. If there was only some way to release all that tension." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right"  –Jimmy Fallon

"It's now being alleged that Lou Dobbs had illegal immigrants working for him. The good news, he's now qualified to run for governor of California." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown has apologized to Meg Whitman after a campaign aide called her a whore. Let me tell you, that is totally out of line. Politicians don't become whores until after they're elected." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Oct 21, 2010

#1712

Late Night From 10/08
Part 2

"Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?" –Bill Maher

"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since, I got to go back to the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher

"Political experts say the one thing you're not supposed to do as a politician is say you're not something. Remember, Nixon 'I am not a crook.' Bill Clinton 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Carly Fiorina has an ad out here. She said, 'I am not that butch gym teacher from 'Glee.'" – Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is behind, but I don't think it's the witch stuff. I think it's because of her anti-masturbation stance. She's very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, 'Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'" –Bill Maher

Friday, Oct 22, 2010

#1713

Late Night From 10/11
Part 1

"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno

"It's being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that's just people leaving the White House." –Jay Leno

"The White House is becoming like 'Dancing With the Stars.' Every week, someone is voted off." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes Carl Paldino to Task for Comments on Gays
Colbert Knocks GOP Repudiation Of Rich Iott's Nazi Uniform
Jimmy Kimmel Reveals Which Book Was Thrown at Obama
Bill Maher: Nobel Prize Committee Must Rename the Prize

Saturday, Oct 23, 2010

#1714

Late Night From 10/11
Part 2

"A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt 'highly immature' while Biden called it 'totally worth it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull."  –Jimmy Fallon

"Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he's planning on decorating the governor's mansion himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama's rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"Someone actually threw a book at the president. When Obama saw something fly by, he said, 'Christine O'Donnell on a broom!'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman

Sunday, Oct 24, 2010

#1715

Late Night From 10/12
Part 1

"President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, 'weed dealers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Entries On Barack Obama's Enemies List"

10. Smug know-it-all at Apple Genius Bar
9. 'General Hospital's' Patrick for cheating on Robin with Lisa
8. Secretary who answers the phone, 'Yell-o?'
7. 'Late Show' audio technician Tom Herrmann
6. Those Chilean miners . . . You're trapped, we get it
5. Online store that still hasn't delivered his Captain Kirk chair
4. Anyone who doesn't think 'Glee' makes your spirit soar
3. Drugstores that don't carry Topol, the smoker's tooth polish
2. Late night talk show hosts who deliver lame top ten lists at his expense
1. Bastard who lost his birth certificate

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips Karl Rove & Fox News For Selective Foreign Donor Outrage
Stewart, Colbert Announce Rally Will Be Televised & Proceeds Donated To Charity

Monday, Oct 25, 2010

#1716

Late Night From 10/12
Part 2

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: 'In your heart you know he's Reich.''' –Jay Leno

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown's staff spent the weekend coming up with their new campaign slogan: 'Just say ho.'" –Jay Leno

"Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling her opponents Meg Whitman a 'whore.' And of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they won't do." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Oct 26, 2010

#1717

Late Night From 10/13
Part 1

"The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times." –Jay Leno

"They say the Chilean miners have been rescued from a subterranean hell. Have they not heard of the New York subway?" –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I'll tell you why. They don't have a witch running." –David Letterman

"People are saying that everything is Obama's fault – he hasn't dug us out of Bush's recession and two wars fast enough. That's the problem." –David Letterman

Wed., Oct 27, 2010

#1718

Late Night From 10/13
Part 2

"Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama's 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you watch the debate with Christine O'Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn't that good though. She's not really a master debater.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She'll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell." –Craig Ferguson

"The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O'Donnell turned him into an actual wolf." –Craig Ferguson

"In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, "Oh crap, that was yesterday?" –Jimmy Fallon

"California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Oct 28, 2010

#1719

Late Night From 10/14
Part 1

"For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi." –Jay Leno

"You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Oct 29, 2010

#1720

Late Night From 10/14
Part 2

"I feel bad for the Chilean miners. They were down there in the dark so long. I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party." –David Letterman

"At one point during the debate, Christine O'Donnell said, 'What I think is irrelevant.' I'll keep that in mind come Election Day." –David Letterman

"The first debate was at podiums. The next debate will be at satanic altars." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, 'Thank you, Mr. President." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Oct 30, 2010

#1721

Late Night From 10/15
Part 1

"The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman." –Bill Maher

"TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet." –Jay Leno

"'Jackass 3D' just opened. It's the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman

Sunday, Oct 31, 2010

#1722

Late Night From 10/15
Part 2

"There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark." –Bill Maher

"A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about theDemocrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners." –Bill Maher

"Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom." –Bill Maher

"One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

"They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer." –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O'Donnell and Chris Coons

Sunday, Nov 07, 2010

#1723

Late Night From 10/18

"According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jackass 3D" just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman

"An amazing thing. This morning I get up to let the dog out into the backyard. Guess what? President Obama is out there talking about the economy." –David Letterman

"Isn't America great? Here's this guy Rick Sanchez. A guy you've never heard of. And now, he's gone." –David Letterman

"So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers

"In Washington, President Obama's recent speech to a women’s conference was interrupted when his presidential seal on the podium fell off -- two years early." –Seth Meyers

"The main purpose of the North Korean demonstration was to introduce Kim Jong Il's new heir-apparent – his youngest son, Kim Jong Un. But don’t be deceived...his cheeks are, in fact, not chubby. He's storing up evil for the winter." –Jon Stewart

Monday, Nov 08, 2010

#1724

Late Night From 10/19

"Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan." –Seth Meyers

"During a debate on Meet the Press, Colorado Republican Senate candidate Ken Buck said that he believes being gay is a choice. Interesting position, Ken Buck. Did your name choose to be gay?" –Seth Meyers

"It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the '80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his Party to the Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party." –Seth Meyers

"Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don’t teach the Constitution at Hogwarts.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on Christine O'Donnell's confusion over the First Amenment

"Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. I think it’s time for President Obama to build a border fence around the Octomom’s uterus." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Nov 09, 2010

#1725

Late Night From 10/20

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologize. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Clarence Thomas's ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that's just a taste of what's in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court."–Bill Maher

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher

"An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus." –Bill Maher

"One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen."–Bill Maher

"Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment."–Seth Meyers

Wed., Nov 10, 2010

#1726

Late Night From 10/25
Part 1

"According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually." –Jay Leno

"The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Nov 11, 2010

#1727

Late Night From 10/25
Part 2

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot..." –Jay Leno

"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno

"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno

Friday, Nov 12, 2010

#1728

Late Night From 10/26
Part 1

"Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

"I can hardly wait. In less than a week I'll be dressed up in a costume, eating candy. I always get so excited during midterm elections." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin has now survived six weeks on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She was neither eliminated nor impregnated. She'll probably get eliminated soon. Mid-November is when the Palin family typically goes into hibernation." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Nov 13, 2010

#1729

Late Night From 10/26
Part 2

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno

"The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to 'walk the dog and scoop the poop.' That's not a job for the president. Where's Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

Sunday, Nov 14, 2010

#1730

Late Night From 10/27

"Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

'Election Day is less than a week away. It's a shame that either of these parties has to win.' –Jay Leno

"It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before." –Jay Leno

"Paul the psychic octopus from the World Cup is dead. He was stomped to death at a Rand Paul rally." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Nov 15, 2010

#1731

Late Night From 10/29
Part 1

"Sarah Palin said this week she would run for President if no one else would do it. I swear to God. And even Karl Rove said he didn't think it was a good idea for Sarah Palin to run for President. He said, he didn't think she has the gravitas. And Sarah said, 'Oh, really. I don't even believe in the theory of gravitas'" –Bill Maher

"Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed  from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished." –Jay Leno

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Nov 16, 2010

#1732

Late Night From 10/29
Part 2

"In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit." –Seth Meyers

"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers

"Oh, poor, Meg Whitman. She's losing badly. This week we found out that one of her sons was accused of date rape. And we also found out that Jan Brewer, the Governor of Arizona, one of her sons also in a mental hospital for rape. I don't want to judge these women by their children, but Christine O'Donnell's magic army of flying monkeys is looking pretty good." –Bill Maher

Wed., Nov 17, 2010

#1733

Late Night From 11/01
Part 1

"California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19." –Jimmy Fallon

"'Twas the night before Election Day and all through the house, everyone was shouting crap at each other." –Craig Ferguson

"Republicans are saying, 'It's time for a change.' And Democrats are saying, 'Stay the course.' And Charlie Sheen is saying, 'Where are my pants?'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know what Christine O'Donnell stands for, but I'm a late night talk show host, I need her." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Nov 18, 2010

#1734

Late Night From 11/01
Part 2

"The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Nov 19, 2010

#1735

Late Night From 11/02
Part 1

"We are calling the West Virginia Senate race for Democrat Joe Manchin in a landslide. Now, technically, it's only 11 points, but given West Virginia's rich tradition of mining coal by blowing the tops off of mountains, pretty much everything that happens in that state is a landslide." – Stephen Colbert

"Welcome to where rumor undergoes a fact-change operation and becomes analysis." – Stephen Colbert, on his new election center

"In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate Error 404 Page Not Found is headed to the House of Representatives." – Stephen Colbert

"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert

"All we know for sure is that, if the past is any indication, one of these two men will be our nation's next first black president." – Stephen Colbert, on the race for Barack Obama's old Senate seat

"Alaska: The Nipples that Can Cut Glass State" – Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Nov 20, 2010

#1736

Late Night From 11/02
Part 2

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Our forefathers fought and died for our right to choose, and to honor them, today almost 12% of us went out and voted." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." –Stephen Colbert

"Tonight, we will be riding a gnarly GOP barrel all the way to tax cut beach!" –Stephen Colbert

"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." –Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn

"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities

Sunday, Nov 21, 2010

#1737

Late Night From 11/02
Part 3

"Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn’t they?" –Jimmy Kimmel

“Don’t get too bummed out, you can still use your 'I Voted' sticker to roll tiny little joints.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on the possibility that Proposition 19 may not pass

“What she should have done with the 142 million was make a 'Terminator' movie. That’s how our current Governor did it!” –Jimmy Kimmel, on California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman spending $142 million of her own money on her campaign

Monday, Nov 22, 2010

#1738

Late Night From 11/03
Part 1

"Christine O'Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said 'Our voices were heard.' In your head, lady." –David Letterman

"You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation." –David Letterman

"Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time." –David Letterman

"Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?" –David Letterman

The Republicans won by a mudslide." –Jay Leno

"Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house." –Jay Leno

"Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there." –Jay Leno

"All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'" –Jay Leno

"I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called 'Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?' At Fox News, it was 'Election Night 2010: Party!'" –Jay Leno

"The election was horrible for Democrats but wonderful for moving companies in the D.C. area." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Nov 23, 2010

#1739

Late Night From 11/03
Part 2

"All of the election coverage was constantly being interrupted by the computers, updates, and text messages from Brett Favre." –Craig Ferguson

"The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,’ There’s a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Tea Party needs to pick a tougher name. 'Tea Party' sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said 'I'm melting.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild." –David Letterman

"Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline." –David Letterman

Wed., Nov 24, 2010

#1740

Late Night From 11/03
Part 3

"Election day is so over. We are going to have divided government now. The Senate and the House have become Dina and Michael Lohan, and we're all Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the bright side, at least now there will be some leftovers at Thanksgiving." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Nov 25, 2010

#1741

Late Night From 11/04
Part 1

"Prop 19, the California proposition to legalize marijuana lost. The proponents are all so sad today. If only there were some substance that could make them laugh again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tuesday night Americans completely rejected the efforts of a charismatic African American who was trying to do the best he could. Rick Fox was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change." –Jay Leno

"Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Ohio Republican John Boehner will take over for Nancy Pelosi. Those are some big eyes to fill." –Jay Leno

"The government will pump an additional $600 billion into the economy. I guess they have to make up for what Meg Whitman isn’t spending anymore." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is getting ready to leave Washington. Not leaving for good — he’ll do that in a couple years." –Craig Ferguson

"India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won’t be interested in tea parties of any kind." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Nov 26, 2010

#1742

Late Night From 11/04
Part 2

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

"What do you think of the Republican landslide victory on election night? No one's laughing at my John Boehner tattoo now." –David Letterman

"The president is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term." –David Letterman

"Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea." –Jimmy Fallon

“A court has reinstated the military's Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy even though another court struck it down a few weeks ago, which means it's time for some soldiers to implement a policy called Just Kidding. Gay soldiers are going, 'What’s going on? I haven’t been this confused since high school.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will be traveling to India. After Tuesday’s election, he decided to move there." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Nov 27, 2010

#1743

Late Night From 11/05
Part 1

"Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress." –Jay Leno

"You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity." –Jay Leno

"And Boehner, very serious about cutting back on spending. I saw him day, touching up his tan with an orange sharpie." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston said in an interview that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. And, believe me, if there's anyone who knows about not being qualified for something it is Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"How about those elections? Here's how it breaks down now. We have a Republican House. We have a Democratic Senate. And we have a President with veto power with. Smooth sailing, right? No problems there." –David Letterman

Sunday, Nov 28, 2010

#1744

Late Night From 11/08

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, 'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in India today. The President is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pack with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India Part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Welcome to my new show it's called 'Conan'. People ask me why I named the show 'Conan.' I did it so I'd be harder to replace." –Conan O'Brien

"I just got the news that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’ key demographic: people that can’t afford HBO." –Conan O'Brien

"An exciting night. I'm really glad to be on cable. I have to tell you that right now, it's not a joke. The truth is, it probably doesn't help that I say that's not a joke afterwards. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46." –Conan O'Brien

"It’s not easy doing a late night show on a channel without a lot of money, that viewers have trouble finding. That’s why I left NBC." –Conan O'Brien

"America put the crazy people who got us into this mess back in charge, and California won't let us get high to get over it." –Bill Maher

"I do not understand the electorate. This country is hurting in a way we haven't since the Depression. People struggling all over this country, and they came out and voted for the Party that says right up front they will suspend your unemployment benefits and repeal health care. To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f*ck yourself." –Bill Maher

"A special shout-out to the independent geniuses, who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain twenties in two years." –Bill Maher

"You know what, you independents, if you can vote for Bush one year, and then the next election vote for Obama, and then go back to John Boehner, you're not independents, you're schizophrenic. You're Norman Bates, sometimes you dress up as your mom and kill sluts in the shower, and sometimes you put on pants and mop up. Well, congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again." –Bill Maher

"This was the biggest landslide since the '30s. The Republicans picked up 63 seats. I haven't seen the Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up." –Bill Maher

"Here's how huge their victory was. They actually elected two black people on the Republican side in Congress, and seven gay Republicans. Of course, you won't find out who they are until they get caught in a rest stop somewhere." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the new speaker of the House John Boeher cry? He cries a lot. Mr. Boehner you've got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And what's he going to do if he loses next time? Put on a Bjork record and cut himself?" –Bill Maher

Monday, Nov 29, 2010

#1745

Late Night From 11/09
Part 1

"Obama actually spent part of his childhood in Indonesia. He was known as Barry Obama then. They've been digging up childhood friends. One said he was chubby and ran like a duck. Which proves he's not Kenyan, because that's as American as it gets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"‘Decision Points’ by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won’t know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star." –Craig Ferguson

"President Barack Obama used to be known as 'Barry.' Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show 'Wings.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman

"Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to read it. … He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman

"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it." –David Letterman

"Isn’t fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that’s just John Boehner’s face." –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre." –David Letterman

"When Hillary says she’s not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are." –Jay Leno

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place." –Jay Leno

"MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann will be back to work on Wednesday after being suspended without pay for giving campaign contributions to Democratic candidates, which is against the rules at MSNBC. See, if only he had done like Eliot Spitzer and given his money to hookers, he would have gotten his own prime time show on CNN." –Jay Leno

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

"Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles." –Craig Ferguson

Tueday, Nov 30, 2010

#1746

Late Night From 11/09
Part 2

"President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush's memoir is out today. And the guy is apparently quite candid, quite honest in the memoir. It's a big, big book. The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book." –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." –Jay Leno

"Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport." –Jay Leno

"Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?" –Jay Leno

"The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud." –Jay Leno

"Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care." –Jay Leno

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is in Indonesia. I guess he won a trip on 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President Bush was on 'Oprah.' It was Oprah’s annual 'Least Favorite Things' episode." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll start with the shocking events on 'Dancing with the Stars.' Once again, Bristol Palin, despite the fact again she had the lowest score, lives to dance another week and instead quarterback Kurt Warner becomes the latest moose to find himself in the Palin cross hairs. Who knew Bristol Palin was the most popular person on television." –Jimmy Kimmel

“What if Bristol Palin wins ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the ‘with the.’ I wouldn’t have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Dec 01, 2010

#1747

Late Night From 11/10

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, 'I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.' I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party." –Jay Leno

"You campaign with rhythm, but you govern like an old white man at a wedding." –Jon Stewart on Barack Obama's dancing

Thursday, Dec 02, 2010

#1748

Late Night From 11/11

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed." –David Letterman

"Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he's been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They're going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift." –Jay Leno

“The Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, and thus earned the ship the nickname 'The Democratic Party.'" –Jay Leno

"China is expected to overtake the U.S. as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn't believe it. 'That hasn't happened already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k... it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart on George W. Bush

"The point he wants to get across is that we should go out and buy his new memoir, 'If I Did It.' No, that's not it.' –Jon Stewart

"Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on." –Stephen Colbert

Friday, Dec 03, 2010

#1749

Late Night From 11/12

"Sarah Palin has a new show. She takes viewers all around Alaska, and shows them where she water-boarded Levi Johnston." –David Letterman

"A show with Sarah Palin? Did we run out of Kardashians?" –David Letterman

"John McCain makes an appearance on Palin's show. He wasn't scheduled, he just wanders through." –David Letterman

"I think the name of the Sarah Palin show is s**t my ex-governor says." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle of black. Honest to goodness." –David Letterman

"Things are so bad for Obama, today a gay teenager made a video showing him that it gets better." –Bill Maher

"George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff." –Bill Maher

"Bush was everywhere this week. He was on Matt Lauer, Sean Hannity, Oprah. And he got 50 bucks for his fetus in a jar on 'The Antique Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher

"The weirdest part of his memoir is that Bush says when he was a teenager, his mother showed him a fetus that she had miscarried that she kept in a jar. And his decision point there was to start drinking. ... Actually Bush says when she showed him the fetus in the jar, that's what made him so strongly against abortion — and for food labels." –Bill Maher

"An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss." –Seth Meyers

"One of the new proposals from a bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in order to bring down the deficit, the government would need to raise the retirement age to 69 by the year 2075. So the next time a baby is crying on your flight, it's probably because they just found out they're gonna have to work until they're 69 in new China." –Seth Meyers

"Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton met with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for six hours at a hotel yesterday. When Hillary saw that she had a six-hour meeting at a hotel, she was like, 'Wait, I think this is Bill's schedule. This isn't mine. It can't be mine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said on '60 Minutes' that he wants to bring back the 8 million jobs we've lost. Today India said 'no.'" –Jay Leno

"Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Dec 04, 2010

#1750

Late Night From 11/15

"This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week." –Jay Leno

"The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress." –Jay Leno

"'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama wrote a children's book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we'll hear air force one and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn't see it, basically it's Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It's Ice Road Soccer Mom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family's privacy while speaking directly into a television camera." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There was a funny moment on Palin's show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the 'Hangover 2.' He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he's not a letch. Turns out all these years he's just been preparing for a role. He's a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. 'You did what in Thailand?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Madoff's underpants were sold at an auction. They were from 'Fraud of the Loom.'" –David Letterman

"They sold a lot of Madoff's cold weather clothing. He won't need that where he's going." –David Letterman

"Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt." –David Letterman

"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort." –Conan O'Brien

"Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former presidents, I'm not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new "Hangover 2" movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do." –Conan O'Brien

"You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen." –Craig Ferguson

"All of the royalties from Obama's book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company." –Craig Ferguson

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson

"For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine -- the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, 'Oh, I f**king hate wine!'" –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top 10 New Words of 2010"

10. Lohab
9. Obamamess
8. Baba-Bookdeal
7. Foxtitious
6. Sheentoxicated
5. Witchcrap
4. Baconfetti
3. Opraholic
2. Leno'd
1. Palincoherent

Sunday, Dec 05, 2010

#1751

Late Night From 11/16

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"While in Thailand, former President Bill Clinton shot a cameo for the movie 'The Hangover 2.' Yeah, that's true. When asked what he was doing in Thailand, Bill Clinton got very quiet." –Conan O'Brien

"People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet." –Conan O'Brien

"Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin's new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for 'The Learnifying Channel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, 'Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he'll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats." –David Letterman

"Palin says they do a lot of huntin', a lot of hikin', and a lot of fishin'. I won't be watchin'." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a children's book. It's called, 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'" –David Letterman

"The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has just released a new children's book. It just came out. Have you seen this? It's called -- right here. 'Of Thee I Sing' and of course, the Republicans, you know, they couldn't wait to release their version of the book, 'The End I See.'" –Jay Leno

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn't easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics." –Jay Leno

"I don't think Rangel gets it. Like, today, he said to pay his fine he's going to have to accept bribes now." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in "Dancing with the Stars" and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance." -Jimmy Kimmel

"You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It’s just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven’t seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant"

10. For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage
9. To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet
8. Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube — hey, that joke was in the monologue
7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it
6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute
5. Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board
4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee
3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and today
2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt
1. Vibrating wands

Monday, Dec 06, 2010

#1752

Late Night From 11/17

"The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' just shot a PSA with Bristol Palin about safe sex and abstinence. Wait, they wanted to do a psa about not having sex and getting pregnant and they chose The Situation and Bristol Palin? Who's doing their anti-drug campaign, Lindsay Lohan?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." –Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart on Bristol Palin's abstinence PSA with 'Jersey Shore's' The Situation, in which he dangles condoms at her: "By the way, if he gets her pregnant, it’s officially designated The Situation womb."

"Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch. " –Jay Leno

"The new Oxford dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not 'dignitate' it with a response." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back." –Jay Leno

"If Rep. Charles Rangel is found guilty by the ethics committee, they said they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. See, that would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty." –Jay Leno

"A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With the Stars' that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He became upset when Brandy was eliminated and not only shot his TV, but threatened to shoot himself. He either really hates Bristol Palin or really loves the show 'Moesha.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George W. Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books." –Conan O'Brien

"Authorities say a 67-year-old man in Wisconsin was so enraged over Bristol Palin's 'Dancing with the Stars' routine, he blasted his television with a shotgun. All I can say is I'm glad this guy doesn't have TBS." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Rep. John Boehner from Ohio. If you want to get him a present, you can't go wrong with bronzer. Or you can get him a giant bed so the banking, oil, and defense industries can get in it with him." –David Letterman

"Down in Texas, ground breaking ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. Ladies and gentlemen, thank god the comedy recession is over. Actually, the official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center and Go-Kart Track. And water park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence." –David Letterman

"A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. " –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking"

10. While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate
9. Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden
8. Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read
7. George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp
6. Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him
5. Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000
4. Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it
3. George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)
2. After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner
1. Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss

Tueday, Dec 07, 2010

#1753

Late Night From 11/18

"At the opening of the Bush Presidential Center in Texas, Dick Cheney joked that the center is the only shovel-ready project in America. What about that Dick Cheney taking a buddy hunting? That could be another shovel-ready project." –Jay Leno

"In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012." –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand." –Jay Leno

"In a ranking of 35 cities, by 'Travel and Leisure' magazine -- Los Angeles finished second to last in intelligence. All I can say, thank god for Washington, D.C. Thank god for Washington, D.C." –Jay Leno

They broke ground at the George W. Bush Presidential Library out there in Dallas. I know you're snickering already. The guy never read a book in his life but he's got a library. How does that happen?" –David Letterman

"Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified." –David Letterman

"Now that would be some presidential race. You've got Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and the debates. Get there early and get some seats down front for those debates. 'You're fired, you becha.'" –David Letterman

"There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Donald Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country." –David Letterman

"TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump wants to see if people think he should run for President. So a website has been launched called 'Shouldtrumprun.com.' Yeah, don't worry the American public has responded with their own website 'No.com.'" –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In Sarah Palin's New Book"

10. It's one, long run-on sentence
9. Lists her favorite things to gut
8. In 2008, she voted for Obama
7. She plagiarizes the stuff George W. Bush plagiarized in his book
6. Averages six "You betcha's" per page
5. In high school, was voted "Most Likely to Serve Half-Term As Alaska's Governor"
4. Comes with a caribou jerky bookmark
3. There's also an edition that's been translated into English
2. Explains why they call her Baba Booey
1. Palin recently worked as a Tina Fey impersonator

Wed., Dec 08, 2010

#1754

Late Night From 11/19

"President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering and Toyota's accelerator." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary . . . and then ask China for $6 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"On this day in 1863 President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. And then the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln’s speech was so successful that right after it, TBS offered him the 10 p.m. slot." –David Letterman

"The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it'll die in committee." –David Letterman

"On this day in 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain." –David Letterman

"Lincoln’s speech that day was so successful that TBS offered him the 10:00 p.m. slot." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden turned 68 years old. President Obama was so excited. He asked Biden to attend the party for him." –David Letterman

Thursday, Dec 09, 2010

#1755

Late Night From 11/20

"This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." –Seth Meyers

"'Has anyone handled your bags?' 'Yes. You. Right now.'" –Seth Meyers

"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." –Seth Meyers

"At the dedication of his Presidential Library, George W. Bush said it's long been his dream to build a building for teenagers to drink behind."–Seth Meyers

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno

"One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?" –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag." –Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 10, 2010

#1756

Late Night From 11/22
Part 1

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new version of Rolling Stone magazine being published specifically for the Middle East. It's called 'Throwing Stone.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's new book can be found right next to George W. Bush's new book in the 'Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These' section." –Jimmy Fallon

"A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker's hand." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent"

10. "Do I need a degree in groping?"
9. "Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"
8. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7. "Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. "Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4. "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3. "Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2. "May I frisk myself?"
1. "What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

Saturday, Dec 11, 2010

#1757

Late Night From 11/22
Part 2

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"Some of these airport patdowns are so thorough they say you only need one every 5 years. You can get the regular patdown, but if you want to upgrade you can get what they call the Full Spitzer." –David Letterman

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them." –Jay leno

"Former President George W. Bush has published his memoirs, called 'Decision Points.' Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, 'Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12.'" –Jay Leno

Sunday, Dec 12, 2010

#1758

Late Night From 11/23
Part 1

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" –Jay Leno

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked about the new TSA body search, Hillary Clinton said she herself wouldn't like to go through an airport pat down. Bill Clinton added, "I think we all know where Hillary stands on being touched." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Bristol Palin is only doing well on 'Dancing With the Stars' because of an organized effort by the tea party. I hope the Democrats will respond by helping Nancy Pelosi win on 'Flavor of Love.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Dec 13, 2010

#1759

Late Night From 11/23
Part 2

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words." –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that." –David Letterman

"That's right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has a new book called 'Decision Points.' I know many of you have made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin must be glad that 'Dancing With the Stars' is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Palin's book 'America by Heart' came out today, just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ratings for the second episode of Palin's TV show have gone way down, falling 40 percent. So I guess she and President Obama do have something in common after all." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Dec 14, 2010

#1760

Late Night From 11/24

"A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day." –Jay Leno

"The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she's already planning to refudiate it." –Jay Leno

"People lined up for days to see the new 'Harry Potter' movie. The movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People.' It's just nice seeing a long line these days where nobody is getting their junk touched." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a new studio, a new show, I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again..." –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey in the finale of 'Dancing with the Stars.' The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear." –Conan O'Brien

Wed., Dec 15, 2010

#1761

Late Night From 11/26

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill Clinton is auctioning off a dinner with him and three of your friends for charity. When asked what the cause was, he said, 'Cause Hillary's out of town.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how handsie the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: 'If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Dec 16, 2010

#1762

Late Night From 11/29
Part 1

"Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Black Friday shopping can get very rough. You would think his ears would protect him from flying elbows." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga …" –Craig Ferguson

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

Friday, Dec 17, 2010

#1763

Late Night From 11/29
Part 2

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is hoping to put salad bars in 5,000 school cafeterias. They expect as many as 3 students to use them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank." –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." –Conan O'Brien

"Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Dec 18, 2010

#1764

Late Night From 11/30

"Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there’s meat UNDER the dress too." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special." –Jay Leno

"A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Dec 19, 2010

#1765

Late Night From 12/01
Part 1

"The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he's some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush." –Jay Leno

"The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore . . . They're now 'nondenominational venison.'" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain said it's time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, 'Sir, if you don't order now, you're going to miss the early bird special.'" –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you." –Jon Stewart

"Jay Leno has more than a hundred classic cars. 'I call this one Conan, because it's red, and I wrecked it.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Happy 75th birthday to Woody Allen. It's not easy finding a card that says, "Happy Birthday, Dad, Husband." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Dec 20, 2010

#1766

Late Night From 12/01
Part 2

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his 'glowing magic window.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, 'Todd, get my gun.'" –Conan O'Brien

"On his book tour George W. Bush said, 'I was a Blackberry person, and now I’m an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.' So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn’t care about Blackberries." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks' Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who's wanted for rape in Sweden, we'll make a note of that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It's quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks..." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it's not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Dec 21, 2010

#1767

Late Night From 12/02

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy." –Jay Leno

"Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about." –Jay Leno

"What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent." –Jay Leno

Wed., Dec 22, 2010

#1768

Late Night From 12/03

"Legislation was enacted in 1993 designed to allow gay people to serve in the military as long as they told their colleagues that the ripped, topless and be-jean shorted fireman that they had in their foot locker was cousin Rico." –Jon Stewart on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Dec 23, 2010

#1769

Late Night From 12/06
Part 1

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay." –Jimmy Fallon

"The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing." –Jon Stewart on the "War on Christmas"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The WikiLeaks Guy"

10. Name on mailbox reads 'WikiLeaks Guy'
9. Spends most of his free time burying stuff in the yard
8. He insists you speak directly into his necktie
7. More than once, you've caught him crawling in your ventilation ducts
6. He told you about Jeter's new contract at Thanksgiving
5. He insists you speak directly into his necktie — that joke was already in the Top Ten. We really need someone checking these things
4. On recycling day, he puts out cans, bottles, and classified documents
3. His idea of small talk is 'Good morning' and 'Want the coordinates of our secret military base in the Strait of Hormuz?'
2. Any time you talk to him, all he says is, 'I know. I know. I know . . . '
1. Gets drunk and takes a 'WikiLeak' on your porch — Hayo!

Friday, Dec 24, 2010

#1770

Late Night From 12/06
Part 2

"Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman

"Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Dec 25, 2010

#1771

Late Night From 12/07
Part 1

"Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Julian Assange was arrested by British authorities. Our secrets are safe — as long as no one else figures out how to use the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some teens are getting pregnant on purpose so they can audition for MTV’s show '16 & Pregnant.' Also, some adults are running for President on purpose so they can audition for a show on killing moose." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Sunday, Dec 26, 2010

#1772

Late Night From 12/07
Part 2

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and when the judge asked for his address he said he didn’t want to give out that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange turned himself in to police in England today. When the judge asked him where he lived, he said he didn't want to give out that information. Maybe 'Wiki-hypocrite' would be a better name for this guy." –Jay Leno

"Because of a printing error nearly a billion $100 bills will have to be destroyed. Hey, if these bills are worthless, don’t destroy them. Use them to pay off the Chinese." –Jay Leno

"The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa's reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"'A Charlie Brown Christmas' was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim." –David Letterman

"President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there's anything we need, it's an extension of the Bush era." –David Letterman

Monday, Dec 27, 2010

#1773

Late Night From 12/08

"Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." –David Letterman

"President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet." –David Letterman

"So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin." –David Letterman

"Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place." –Jay Leno

"The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you're screwed." –Jay Leno

"China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab." –Jay Leno

"On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The WikiLeaks founder is being sought by Swedish authorities on charges of sexual assault. He says, if he's arrested, he'll release a poison pill of encoded documents, including ones about UFOs. Arrest him. I want to hear about the UFOs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we're in third place. We're still leading in P.E., recess, and shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Dec 28, 2010

#1774

Late Night From 12/09

"Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno

"According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated." –Jimmy Fallon

"After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Because it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane." –David Letterman

"Apparently the president couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do." –Craig Ferguson

"The Palins and the Gosselins are going camping together on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' I think they'll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was 'Palin2012.' They got it on the first guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Chinese government is very upset that a dissident is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. They said that any countries attending the ceremonies will be insulting China. This could be the first was started by a peace prize." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of people turned out to see President Obama's Christmas tree lighting. I knew it would be beautiful. I watched it a couple days ago on WikiLeaks." –Craig Ferguson

"Maroon 5 played at the tree lighting. They were a big deal a couple years ago. Sort of like President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Dec 29, 2010

#1775

Late Night From 12/10

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado Spruce. Republicans don't believe it's really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 51 percent of Americans feel that their lives were better two years ago before President Obama took office. To which President Obama said, 'Join the club.'" –Jay Leno

"It was a year ago that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. It's the only thing in his presidency he hasn't blamed on George W. Bush." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is reportedly trying to quit smoking, but he can't get the 60 votes in the Senate to make it happen." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Dec 30, 2010

#1776

Late Night From 12/13

"Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin." –David Letterman

"Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there's Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to 'Elf: The Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is in jail in Britain and the judge has refused to grant him bail. His attorney says he's doing fine. I'm sure he is, snitches always do very well in prison." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After signing the law, President Obama said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children's health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette." –Craig Ferguson

"Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, 'You'd better not steal any of our stuff...' –Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 31, 2010

#1777

Late Night From 12/14

"Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if he’s a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to Santa." –David Letterman

"You wouldn't know it in Los Angeles, but it's freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don't know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that's just President Obama's approval ratings." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Jan 01, 2011

#1778

Late Night From 12/15

"Today President Obama met with a group of top CEOs to discuss creating new jobs. They said they'd see what they could do and then all went back to China." –Conan O'Brien

"The Marine Corps’ top general suggested allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones." –Conan O'Brien

"According to new census data, Falls Church, Va. is the best-educated area in the U.S. Least educated? Sarah Palin's Alaska. " –Jimmy Fallon

"The Golden Globes will have an unusual category this year: 'Outstanding Performance by an Animal Killed by Sarah Palin.'" –David Letterman

"Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Minneapolis, Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire." –Jay Leno

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Jan 02, 2011

#1779

Late Night From 12/16

"A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican." –Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, 'Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks.'" –Jay Leno

"The House has voted to repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Nancy Pelosi said, 'Now's the time to act,' meaning before Democrats lose their majority in a couple of weeks. Which raises the question: Why didn't they act the last four years when they had the majority?" –Jay Leno

"According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it's different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court. At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced, and then told everyone who their secret Santa is." –Conan O'Brien

"The most annoying word of the year is 'whatever.' As always, No. 2 is 'Limbaugh.'" –David Letterman

"This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them." –David Letterman

"Julian Assange was released from custody. It's a good thing, because he was behind on his holiday leaking." –David Letterman

"In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently, a fourth panel of the Metrodome's roof collapsed last night, sending more snow crashing onto the field. The last time I saw something cave in so often, he was giving a press conference at the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Jan 16, 2011

#1800

Late Night From 12/17

"Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them." –Jay Leno

"The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans.'" –Jay Leno

"A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India." –Jay Leno

"On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm a member of the Zipper Club..." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was talking with school kids yesterday and said he walked their dog Bo on the White House lawn and picked up his poop. They should probably have someone else do that. Obama's not good at cleaning up messes other people have left for him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama wore a vintage thrift-store dress from the 1950s for the Christmas in Washington concert. She's not the only one going vintage. In fact, her husband just agreed to a tax plan from the early 2000s." –Jimmy Fallon

"The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is not a cancer threat after all. Or as I'll be reporting the story 10 years from now, 'The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The WikiLeaks guy is under house arrest with a strict curfew. If there's anything a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it's a curfew." –David Letterman

"Last night was Larry King's final show. Should we tell him?" –David Letterman

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