Jokes of the day

1601 - 1700

Wed., July 14, 2010

#1604

Late Night From 06/21

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park." –David Letterman

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama, oh, when he heard this, oh, he was furious. President Obama got so mad, he almost couldn't finish his round of golf. That's how bad it was." –Jay Leno

"Well, actually, I tell you, I think it's hurting him. President Obama is losing support from his own party over the way he's handling this BP situation. You want to know how bad it is, today, Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?" –Jay Leno

"I bet that's what John McCain was smoking when he picked her. It all makes sense now. Of course!" –Jay Leno

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they're just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

"While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden's handicap is 16 and Obama's handicap is Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also went to the White Sox-Nationals game this weekend and actually sang 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game.' However, critics were quick to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn't say anything." –Jimmy Fallon

"And while Obama was playing golf, BP CEO Tony Hayward actually spent his weekend at a ritzy yacht race, where he watched his 52-foot yacht compete. If that's not bad enough, he was watching it from his 100-foot yacht." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image"

10. Catch Osama
9. Contaminate waters around a country like North Korea
8. Reveal secret behind his soft and lustrous curly hair
7. Apologize on The Golf Channel
6. Shoot new BP commercial where he is viciously pecked by angry pelicans
5. Join Team Coco
4. Get a job at Poland Spring; accidentally dump a billion gallons of water into the gulf
3. Improve his image, are you kidding? He's doing great!
2. Hang out at BP station, let customers inflate his butt with air hose
1. Dial it back from "arrogant bastard" to "smug pr**k"

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Nails GOP For Flip-Flopping on Escrow Fund
Colbert Report: Joe Barton's Misconstrued Misconstruction

Thursday, July 15, 2010

#1605

Late Night From 06/22

"President Obama is being criticized now. Here's the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Now, in Obama's defense, people are saying, 'Wait a minute, the president has always had his own particular way of relaxing.' For example, George W. Bush had his way of relaxing. He was president. That's how he relaxed." –David Letterman

"Tough times for relationships. Al and Tipper Gore splitting up. The bachelor couple, Jake and Vienna, they're done. Now, President Obama and General McChrystal — they're on the rocks." –Jay Leno

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"And economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key!" –Jay Leno

"It's two days since Father's Day, so John Edwards, you can come out now! It's safe!" –Jay Leno

"Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

"In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options." –Jimmy Fallon

"McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone." –Stephen Colbert on General Stanley McChrystal

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on the McChrystal Kerfuffle
Colbert: McChrystal Had To Have Been High

Friday, July 16, 2010

#1606

Late Night From 06/23

"General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, 'What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When'd they start that? Is that new?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal's service and dedication to his country, he said, 'You don't criticize your bosses.' Okay, that's the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese." –Jay Leno

"So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the 'LOL.'" –Jay Leno

"The city of Los Angeles now rethinking its boycott of Arizona because the city's red light cameras are all owned by an Arizona-based company. See, red lights and speed cameras are a big source of revenue for the city. And the boycott of Arizona could mean no more red lights, no more cameras, no more tickets. I'm willing to make that sacrifice." –Jay Leno

"You know about the big change in Afghanistan? General McChrystal did an interview in Rolling Stone and he was talking about how much he didn't like Joe Biden. He was talking about the Administration. He was trashing everybody. So President Obama calls the guy home from Afghanistan, and they had, like, a sit-down in the White House, in the Oval Office, today. It was very, very intimate. It was the President, it was General McChrystal, the Salahis, and that's it." –David Letterman

"But the general, when he showed up, got a very chilly reception, kind of like I did when I came out here." –David Letterman

"But the general is in trouble for shooting off his mouth. Once again, another hole Obama can't plug." –David Letterman

"He's being replaced by General David Petraeus. And when Petraeus got news, he was so excited, he fainted again." –David Letterman

"Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general's policy is 'just ask, and I'll tell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On the 'Today' show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

"In Afghanistan, they have the al Qaeda Palooza. 'Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for — Kenny G-had!'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Rips Glenn Beck for His 'Wildly Important' Work
Daily Show: McChrystal's Balls - Honorable Discharge

Saturday, July 17, 2010

#1607

Late Night From 06/24

"Congressmen have been saying from the beginning that BP is either lying or grossly incompetent. Well, why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is in a tough spot because he fired Gen. McChrystal and right away, the Republicans blamed him for increasing unemployment." –David Letterman

"Well, folks, you knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It happened today. General Stanley McChrystal cancelled his subscription to Rolling Stone." –Jay Leno

"As you know by now, General McChrystal was summoned to the White House to explain derogatory comments he made about meeting President Obama. He told Rolling Stone magazine, when he first the President, it felt like a ten-minute photo op, to which Joe Biden said, 'Wow, you got ten minutes! What was it like?'" –Jay Leno

"And it doesn't stop there. After the Rolling Stone incident, today, Obama summoned Justin Bieber to the White House for some comments he made about the President in the latest issue of Tiger Beat magazine." –Jay Leno

"Mexico has filed a brief in U.S. Federal court to stop Arizona's new immigration law. And while they're at it, they also asked the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself Mexican food." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He's getting his own talk show. They wanted him because they knew he could get the most out of an hour." –Craig Ferguson

"The new show will focus on politics and special events and everything else Spitzer wasn't doing in office." –Craig Ferguson

"The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy 'irresponsible,' while BP called him 'our best hope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it's going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The iPhone 4 is $499 to buy outright, $199 to upgrade your existing iPhone, and if you don't want one at all, it's $99." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, July 11, 2010

#1608

Late Night From 06/25

"President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger. It was a bit awkward because Gen. McChrystal was working behind the counter." –Jay Leno

"The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, 'Don't worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.'" –Jay Leno

"Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona's new immigration law. It's a precedent because it's the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to." –Jay Leno

Monday, July 12, 2010

#1609

Late Night From 06/28

"Do you know what's going on down in Washington today? The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.'" –David Letterman

"Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"So hot down in Washington, D.C., today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Do you know what's going on up there in Toronto? They're having the big G-20 summit, and the protesters were up there. They smashed windows; they overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won." –David Letterman

"It's not the G-20 anymore. It's now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." –David Letterman

"Well here's sad news. Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is O.K. Earlier today, he was up and sneering. So he's fine." –David Letterman

"The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on the G-20 Summit
Stephen Colbert on the Late Sen. Robert Byrd

Tueday, July 13, 2010

#1610

Late Night From 06/29

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's something great. Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

"The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer." –David Letterman

"You remember Vice President Dick Cheney? He's had like six or seven heart attacks. The poor guy was in the hospital over the weekend. He has been in the hospital so many times the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobble head dolls." –David Letterman

"And how about the Gulf of Mexico? Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It's like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami." –David Letterman

"Now, there's a tropical storm in that area and it may interfere with the clean-up of the Gulf. Too bad, because it was going pretty well." –David Letterman

"The big hit on the Internet is the spill cam. It's so popular that they're thinking about adding a band." –David Letterman

"And now, in the Gulf region, demonstrators are holding hands on the beach by way of protest. Boy, that will show 'em." –David Letterman

"Forbes magazine published their most powerful celebrities list. Number one was Oprah Winfrey. I'm happy to be on the list, a little farther down. I'm between Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, and the Salahis." –David Letterman

"Doesn't your heart break for Sandra Bullock? She and Jesse James officially divorced. You know who she's dating? Gary, the Osama bin Laden hunter." –David Letterman

"Gary was over there in Pakistan and had night vision goggles. He had a sword. And he couldn't find Osama bin Laden. That means he's actually tied with Bush and Obama." –David Letterman

Jon Stewart, responding to John McCain's catchy new acronym B.I.O.B. (Blame it on Bush): "H.R.W.A.T.P.T.R.T.C.I.T.G -- He really Was A Terrible President That Ran The Country Into The Ground."

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Blame Clinton, Not Bush
Colbert Hammers BP for Putting Positive Spin on Oil Spill

Wed., July 14, 2010

#1611

Late Night From 06/30

"Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives." –David Letterman

"But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death." –David Letterman

"Larry's absence creates a void. As a matter of fact, his presence creates a void." –David Letterman

"Here's how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Ricky Martin was gay." –David Letterman

"They're having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?" –David Letterman

"BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, July 15, 2010

#1612

Late Night From 07/01

"Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives." –David Letterman

"The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire." –David Letterman

"You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the 'Twilight' saga. Everybody has got 'Twilight' fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves." –David Letterman

"But all across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was on line for a pay phone." –David Letterman

"July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a fireworks safety tip. Don't get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Larry King is leaving 'Larry King Live' this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I've never seen his feet, I don't know." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, July 16, 2010

#1613

Late Night From 07/06

"The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down." –Jay Leno

"Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she's trying to help them recruit LeBron James." –Jay Leno

"Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we're fighting to escape British oil." –Jay Leno

"They say traces of BP's oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen's pockets." –Jay Leno

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Fox News Is Wrong -- Just Ask The Economist I Have Tied Up
Colbert: 'Back To You, Rick Sanchez' Is The Hardest Thing To Say On CNN Without Laughing

Saturday, July 17, 2010

#1614

Late Night From 07/07

"You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser." –Jay Leno

"While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later." –Jay Leno

"You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he's in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama's war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked." –Jay Leno

"Well, there was talk the Democrats are going to try and pass an immigration bill this year, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's kind of ironic. The only place that has an immigration plan is Mexico, and their plan is to immigrate here." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips Fox News For Their Fear Of Muslims
'Daily Show' Reunion: Colbert Welcomes Carell and Stewart

Wed., July 28, 2010

#1625

Late Night From 07/12

"I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"British Petroleum says that they're very happy with the new cap. And I said: 'Well, if they're happy, I'm happy. What do I care?'" –David Letterman"How about the big spy thing here in New York. Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet." –David Letterman

"But it was a huge apartment — 4,000 square feet of space. No, wait a minute, that's Rush." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona." –Jay Leno

"Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident." –Jay Leno

"Authorities in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia announced that a woman from a remote village turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person on the planet. So, once again, John McCain finishes second." –Jay Leno

Thursday, July 29, 2010

#1626

Late Night From 07/13

"BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson." –Craig Ferguson

"If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher." –David Letterman

"You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He's 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts." –David Letterman

"Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view." –David Letterman

"It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party." –David Letterman

"The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, 'Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can't get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even get Roman Polanski." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost." –Jay Leno

"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno

"On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper." –Jay Leno

Friday, July 30, 2010

#1627

Late Night From 07/14

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn't have predicted this." –Jay Leno

"But here's the interesting part. They're not having sex until after they are married, that's what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they're engaged and celibate. Isn't that backwards? It's like they're sexually dyslexic." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup." –David Letterman

"Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special." –David Letterman

"Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell." –David Letterman

"At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?" –Jay Leno

"Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars." –Jay Leno

"This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia." –David Letterman

"Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it." –David Letterman

"George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a 'heart.'" –Craig Ferguson

"After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row." –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they're installing robots along the U.S. border that say 'Hola.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, July 31, 2010

#1628

Late Night From 07/15

"We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." –Jay Leno

"Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet." –Jay Leno

"Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That's how hot it was today." –Jay Leno

"Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president." –Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's…" –Jay Leno

"You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He's still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad." –David Letterman

"But the new place is beautiful. It's one of those houses that has a name. I believe it's called Rancho Impeacho." –David Letterman

"BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says." –Jimmy Fallon

"A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona's new immigration law, although if you change it from Americans to people living in America, the number drops to 2 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Aug 01, 2010

#1629

Late Night From 07/16

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

"Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we're not sure how long either one is going to hold." –Jay Leno

"For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I'm not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4." –Jay Leno

"Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It's not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall." –Jay Leno

"Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota." –Jay Leno

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Aug 02, 2010

#1630

Late Night From 07/19

"The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in 'Wicked,' then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'That's fine, I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s'mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the 'Iced Tea Party.'" –David Letterman

"Apparently BP's containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, 'Aren't there any more Mel Gibson tapes?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese." –Jay Leno

"All of Mel Gibson's troubles could have been avoided if he'd just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

10. "Please, Mr. President, don't throw your butts in the pool"
9. "Sorry, sir, your iPhone has no reception"
8. "Crap, is that an oil slick?"
7. "Nothing boosts a sagging approval rating like a vacation!"
6. "Ew, it's Sen. Scott Brown"
5. "Any interest in pardoning Lindsay Lohan?"
4. "Sure is nice to get a break from all that golfing"
3. "There's nothing like a romantic stroll on the beach with your wife and 30-man Secret Service detail"
2. "Do I have to go back?"
1. "A 48-hour vacation? Bush took naps longer than that"

Tueday, Aug 03, 2010

#1631

Late Night From 07/20

"The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses." –Jay Leno

"AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married. Just today, they were talking to Joe the Wedding Planner." –David Letterman

"They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there's no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, 'AHEM!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Aug 04, 2010

#1632

Late Night From 07/22

"The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'" —David Letterman

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

"Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?" —David Letterman

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today." –Jay Leno

"Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later." –Jay Leno

"Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

July 21, 2010

"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word — you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin." —David Letterman

"The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It's not official, it just leaked out." –David Letterman

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city's excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster." –David Letterman

"President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control." –Jimmy Fallon

"British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn't necessary, Britain. You've already given us a huge oil painting." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong." –Jay Leno

"Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the black box used in airplanes has died. The cause of death was too many comedians saying, 'Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the black box?'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Sarah Palin's Geograph Song: 'Nifty Fifty States'
Jimmy Kimmel: Palin's Like the 'Eskimo Don King'

Thursday, Aug 05, 2010

#1633

Late Night From 07/23

"A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic." –Jay Leno

"Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Aug 06, 2010

#1634

Late Night From 07/24

"Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning." –Jay Leno

"Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'" –Jay Leno

"Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota." –Jay Leno

"The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized." –David Letterman

"BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him." –David Letterman

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –Craig Ferguson

"Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'" –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle." –Craig Ferguson

"It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan." –Craig Ferguson

"There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
9. How many lies can you type per minute?
8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'?
6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?

Saturday, Aug 07, 2010

#1635

Late Night From 07/26

"Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning." –Jay Leno

"Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'" –Jay Leno

"Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota." –Jay Leno

"The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized." –David Letterman

"BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him." –David Letterman

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –Craig Ferguson

"Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'" –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle." –Craig Ferguson

"It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan." –Craig Ferguson

"There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
9. How many lies can you type per minute?
8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'?
6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Takes on the Shirley Sherrod Fiasco
Colbert Returns, Takes on Sherrod Fiasco

Sunday, Aug 08, 2010

#1636

Late Night From 07/27

"President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original." –Jay Leno

"BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent." –Jay Leno

"An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'" –Jay Leno

"Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?" –David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet." –David Letterman

"King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage." –David Letterman

"King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters." –David Letterman

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The Leaked Government Documents"

10. Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's 'Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole'
9. Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of 'Inception'
8. Outlined the Knicks' failed strategy to get LeBron
7. Terror chatter is at its lowest during 'Cake Boss'
6. Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it
5. Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his 'man cave' with a sweet 65-inch flat screen
4. Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided
3. Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding
2. Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial
1. Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going well

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Mocks Media For WikiLeaks Reaction
The Live Tony Hayward Cam: Colbert Tracks BP CEO's Resignation

Monday, Aug 09, 2010

#1637

Late Night From 07/28

"President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works." –Jay Leno

"With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'" –Jay Leno

"Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent." –Jay Leno

"Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?" –David Letterman

"A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'" –Craig Ferguson

"BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

Tueday, Aug 10, 2010

#1638

Late Night From 07/29

“President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?” -David Letterman

“Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.” -David Letterman

“A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.” -David Letterman

"Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes." –David Letterman

"Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

“Whiny Tony Hayward -- you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy -- he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, 'Good to be back.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart To Media: 'Nothing Obama Does Will Ever Make You F**king Happy'

Wed., Aug 11, 2010

#1639

Late Night From 08/02

"Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there." –Jay Leno

"Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, 'Don't worry, all three murderers are American citizens.'" –Jay Leno

"Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant." –Jay Leno

"Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel." –Jay Leno

"Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' was arrested for punching a cop. President Obama stepped in. He invited them both to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises At Chelsea Clinton's Wedding"

10. Rehearsal dinner held at the Rhinebeck Denny's
9. Al Gore kept asking bridesmaids for massage
8. Cash gifts went to pay Hillary's campaign debt
7. Due to double booking, reception shared space with Benjy Rosenthal Bar Mitzvah
6. Snooki punched the DJ
5. Minister and rabbi told hilarious story about the time they walked into a bar
4. Roger Clinton was working as the bartender
3. Ceremony was so expensive, President Obama offered a government bailout — We'll be right back with jaywalking, folks!
2. Madeleine Albright can open a Heineken bottle with her thighs
1. Bill Clinton is still at the bachelor party

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on the Coverage of Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
Stephen Colbert Realizes He Might Be Gay

Thursday, Aug 12, 2010

#1640

Late Night From 08/03

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They're also hosting the Al Gore divorce." –David Letterman

"Apparently Bill Clinton -- you all remember Bubba -- you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings." –David Letterman

"Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. " –David Letterman

"It's President Obama's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Take son Palin's 'Mama Grizzly' Coalition
Jon Stewart on Calls to Repeal the 14th Amendment and the Threat of Anchor Babies

Friday, Aug 13, 2010

#1641

Late Night From 08/04
Part 1

"Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it's like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder." –Jay Leno

"How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single 'Terminator' movie." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising." –Jay Leno

"Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don't want it o happen there." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back." –David Letterman

"The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating." –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming.” -David Letterman

"A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy." –Craig Ferguson

"Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery
9. Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks
8. Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted
7. Read 'Eat Pray Love' and bawled his eyes out
6. Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear
5. Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation
4. Went to Pizzeria Uno for their 'Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo' with the guys from NORAD
3. Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons
2. Sat alone watching 'Real Housewives' marathon on Bravo
1. Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinata

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on Killing of 9/11 Bill: 'I Give Up'
Colbert: Go Vote for Basil Marceaux.com, Tennessee! Do It!

Saturday, Aug 14, 2010

#1642

Late Night From 08/04
Part 2

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule." –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of 'We Are the World.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

"Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol." –Jay Leno

"How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend." –Jay Leno

"The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Aug 15, 2010

#1643

Mini-vacation

Monday, Aug 16, 2010

#1644

Late Night From 08/05

"It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait. " –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Salahis, White House Party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

"Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving. " –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis…" –Jimmy Fallon

"In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout. " –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Californiagaytion
Colbert Unveils Master Plan to 'Ruin' Gay Marriage

Tueday, Aug 17, 2010

#1645

Late Night From 08/06

"I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom." —Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

"People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it." —Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren." –Jay Leno

"It's a big week for gays. There's the gay conservatives thing happening, Prop 8 was overturned, and the movie 'Step Up 3-D' is coming out." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people. " –Jimmy Fallon

"You know those controversial TSA full-body scanners? Well, they're coming to airports here in New York next month. Great. Normally I take a Xanax before I fly, now I have to take a Viagra." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Aug 18, 2010

#1646

Late Night From 08/10

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on Ground Zero Mosque Critics
Colbert Report: Alpha Dog of the Week: Steven Slater

Thursday, Aug 19, 2010

#1647

Late Night From 08/11

"Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating." –Jay Leno

"Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Exposes GOP Hypocrisy: Extending Bush Tax Cuts Won't Lower Deficit
Colbert On Gingrich: 'Do As I Say, Not Who I Do'

Wed., Aug 25, 2010

#1653

Late Night From 08/13

"The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States." –Jay Leno

"In 'The Expendables,' Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood." –Craig Ferguson

"Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor." –Craig Ferguson

"When Schwarzenegger heard the title 'The Expendables,' he thought it was in reference to California's teachers." –Craig Ferguson

"Al-Jazeera's English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, 'Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips Fox News for Contradictory Statements on Ground Zero Mosque
Colbert: America 'The Straight Meat in a Big Gay Sandwich'

Thursday, Aug 26, 2010

#1654

Late Night From 08/16

"President Obama had a 24-hour vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Some Republicans are attacking him for not staying longer. They have a point. President Bush used to vacation for weeks at a time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was there to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for." –Jay Leno

"According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club." –Jay Leno

"President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won't meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem." –Jay Leno

"The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need." –Jay Leno

Friday, Aug 27, 2010

#1655

Late Night From 08/17

"President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president's security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't understand why the president has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He could get up to five years, though that's very unlikely. He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He'd look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Fights Terror Babies With Hero Babies
Colbert Report: Fox News and the Republican Party Make It Official

Monday, Aug 30, 2010

#1658

Late Night From 08/24

"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman

"They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation." –David Letterman

"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman


Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart: FOX Failed To Mention Co-Owner Is One They Accuse Of 'Terror Funding
Jon Stewart Finds Hypocrisy in Sarah Palin Supporting Dr. Laura
Colbert Realizes He's Actually A Terrorist

Tueday, Aug 31, 2010

#1659

Wed., Sept 01, 2010

#1660

Thursday, Sept 02, 2010

#1661

Late Night From 08/31

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address"

10. "Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation"
9. "Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"
8. "Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"
7. "Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages"
6. "Kneel before General Zod!"
5. "Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra"
4. "Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann"
3. "CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room"
2. "Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"
1. "Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'"

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: Barney Frank Interview

Sunday, Sept 05, 2010

#1664

Monday, Sept 06, 2010

#1665

Late Night From 09/01

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno

"Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect." –Jay Leno

"I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats." –Jay Leno

Friday, Sept 10, 2010

#1669

Late Night From 09/02

Late-Night TV Videos
Ferguson Adds Hilarious Sound Effects To Jan Brewer's Awful Opening Debate Statement
Letterman Mocks Obama For Taking Too Much Time Off

Saturday, Sept 11, 2010

#1670

Late Night From 09/03

"The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years." –Craig Ferguson

"The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?'" –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Sept 12, 2010

#1671

Late Night From 09/06

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." –David Letterman

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." –Jay Leno

Monday, Sept 13, 2010

#1672

Late Night From 09/07

"U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about." –Jay Leno

"A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally." –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place." –David Letterman

"The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert & Stewart Tease Possible Announcement Of 'Restoring Truthiness' Rally
Stewart Uses Jan Brewer Fiasco To Show Democrats' Midterm Challenges

Tueday, Sept 14, 2010

#1673

Late Night From 09/08

"President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything." –Jay Leno

"There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It's like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That's right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

"So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet." –Craig Ferguson

"The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Hosts Show Welcoming Back Troops From Iraq
Jon Stewart Takes Down Florida Pastor Behind Planned 'Burn A Koran Day'
Olbermann Talks Beck, Palin, Jeb Bush On Letterman

Friday, Sept 17, 2010

#1676

Late Night From 09/09

“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"On his way to Asia, Gov. Schwarzenegger posted a picture of himself saying that he was flying over Alaska but couldn't see Russia anywhere. Not only is Schwarzenegger a fellow Republican, but Sarah Palin had a 'Conan the Barbarian' poster on the wall of her igloo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it -- and if the news doesn't fit your narrative, change your f**king news." –Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC

"According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist." –Jay Leno

"The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But he White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close – the same way those economic sanctions worked right here." –Jay Leno

"Here's a weather update from Florida. This week's Koran smoke advisory has been lifted. That crazy pastor, remember he was going to burn the Koran, he's now suspended it. … He said he's now looking for directions from God on where to go. You know, I can't speak for God, but I think if he grabs a shovel and starts digging, he's heading in the right direction." –Jay Leno

"This whole thing with Iran, it's amazing how different our cultures are. In Iran a woman can get stoned for committing adultery. See, here in America, women commit adultery while getting stoned." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

"Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was reported that President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring at a press conference. I guess that makes the press conference the second-most difficult speech he'll give this week." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Explains FOX News-Style Journalism to MSNBC
Meghan McCain Takes A Shot At Bristol Palin On 'The Daily Show'
Louis C.K. Explains His Love Of Hating Sarah Palin, Awkward Dance With Bristol On Leno
Jimmy Kimmel: This Week In Unnecessary Censorship: Obama, Terry Jones, And More

Saturday, Sept 18, 2010

#1677

Late Night From 09/13

"President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, 41 of President Obama's staffers now owe the government more than $831,000 in back taxes. When asked if they could just keep avoiding taxes, they said, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!'" –Jay Leno

"The government announced today a $60 billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia, the biggest in our history. We will sell Saudi Arabia F15 fighter jets, Apache and Black Hawk helicopters, and many other weapons that will one day be used against us." –Jay Leno

"There was no Koran burning on Saturday. Apparently that dopey pastor, Terry Jones, decided not to burn the Koran when he realized the only copy he had was on his Kindle." –Jay Leno

"There was a lot of talk about President Obama not wearing his wedding ring during his press conference on Friday. Boy, the guy spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods and look what happens." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for the leader of the free world. Of course, I'm talking about Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

"Oprah had a huge surprise for her audience. First, she burned the Koran. Then she announced that she's taking the audience on a trip." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich said President Obama is out of touch with how the world works. Then Gingrich was like, 'Hold on, I think someone is faxing me something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Hints At Rally Again As 'Truthiness' Movement Donates $100K To Charity
Stewart Exposes Fox News' Irrational Fear Of Imam Rauf
Tonight Show: Bill Maher's Equal Opportunity Rant on Religion, Sarah Palin and Mel Gibson

Sunday, Sept 19, 2010

#1678

Late Night From 09/14

"A group called the Center for American Progress is using Justin Bieber in their marketing to help get out the vote in November. And really, what better symbol to get out the vote than someone who is way too young to vote and Canadian." –Jay Leno

"New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know things are bad when even criminals can't find work in this country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children's book. It's for ages Biden and up." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart: 'Summer Of Recovery' Becoming 'Autumn Of Nothing But Ramen Noodles For Dinner'
Bill Maher Talks Beck's 'Diabetic Mall-Walkers,' Summer Of Racism

Monday, Sept 20, 2010

#1679

Late Night From 09/15
Part 1

"She’s also against masturbation. I'm afraid you lost me now, lady. If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position." –Craig Ferguson

"The Palin is strong in this one. My God. Just give her bangs and a pair of rim glasses and she'd be a dead-ringer for… [onscreen: a video clip of O’Donnell wearing glasses with bangs] Oh my God!" –Jon Stewart

After showing a clip of O'Donnell saying, "You’re gonna be pleasing each other and if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?”, Jon Stewart said: "You're in the picture, my dear, because as Oscar Wilde once said, 'I can't reach it with my mouth.'"

After showing a clip of O'Donnell saying, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can’t masturbate without lust," Stephen Colbert said: "Thank you madam. Masturbation is adultery. I know this is horrible news for my home audience, many of whom are committing adultery as we speak."

"In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well." –Jay Leno

"Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn't been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes. " –Jay Leno

"President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Kimmel on Christine O'Donnell and Masturbation
Colbert Mocks O'Donnell For Equating Masturbation With Adultery
Stewart On TeaParty Wins: 'How Will Democrats F**k This Up?'

Tueday, Sept 21, 2010

#1680

Late Night From 09/15
Part 2

"Well-known, veteran politicians were upended by candidates from the Tea Party. It was especially shocking because I've been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter and most of the people there are stuffed animals." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former New York Congressman Rick Lazio was beaten by an unknown businessman named Carl Paladino, whose achievements include comparing a Jewish assembly speaker to Hitler unfavorably, endorsing a plan to turn prisons into dorms to teach welfare recipients about hygiene, and he's also known for forwarding racist joke emails and videos of a woman having sex with a horse to his friends. Like Lincoln never emailed his friends a video of a woman having sex with a horse!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I'm not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I'll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I'll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I'll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's. So listen up, Christine O'Donnell -- and Rosie O'Donnell too while we're at it -- we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for the members of the tea party. You know, the new political party that believes in . . . I don't know." –Craig Ferguson

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Sept 25, 2010

#1684

Late Night From 09/16

"In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems." –Jay Leno

"An openly gay Saudi Arabian diplomat is seeking asylum here in the U.S. His reason: he's an openly gay diplomat from Saudi Arabia." –Jay Leno

"The French Senate has outlawed the burka, giving hope to U.S. lawmakers that one day soon, we will outlaw the Snuggie." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin made a high profile appearance at a Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa. She didn't actually say she's running for president. She just winked it in Morse code." –Jimmy Fallon

"Carl Paladino, New York's Republican candidate for governor, said that Manhattan is home to smug, self-important, pampered, liberal elitists. He sounds just like my butler." –Jimmy Fallon

"Take it down a notch — for America." —Jon Stewart, unveiling the Rally to Restore Sanity's call-to-no-arms-please

"We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, 'We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'" —Jon Stewart

"You may be asking yourself, but am I the right person to go to this rally? The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper, and pointing your car towards DC — that means I think you just might be right for it." —Jon Stewart

"Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?" —Stephen Colbert, announcing the March to Keep Fear Alive


Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Announces 'Rally to Restore Sanity'
Stephen Colbert Announces 'March to Keep Fear Alive'

Sunday, Sept 26, 2010

#1685

Late Night From 09/17

"I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell, I created her. Are you kidding, we had her on 'Politically Incorrect' 22 times. You owe me, Christine O'Donnell. I still love her. She does not have a mean bone in her body, or any other bone in her body." –Bill Maher

"She hates masturbation, which is ironic, because she owes her nominations to a bunch of jackoffs." –Bill Maher, on Christine O'Donnell

"She said that during the primary, 'I heard the audible voice of God, and he said one word: 'credibility.' Which is interesting, because she has no job, there's a lien placed on her home, and she's using campaign funds for her living expenses. Her platform is about bringing fiscal responsibility to Washington, but God said 'credibility.' I think what God should have said was, 'Shut up and get a vibrator.'" –Bill Maher

"Her detracts say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American." –Bill Maher

"Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says she admires the female warriors from 'Lord of the Rings' but she's against women being in the military. So women can't fight the Taliban, but they can fight the cave trolls of Mordor." –Craig Ferguson

"In Delaware, Tea Party favorite Christine O'Donnell won in a big upset in the primaries. She has an interesting background. Back in the 1990s, she mounted a campaign to stop masturbation. It didn't work." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can't stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can't stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." –Jay Leno

"I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable." –Jay Leno

Monday, Sept 27, 2010

#1686

Late Night From 09/20
Part 1

"I like Christine O'Donnell. She's good-looking and she's hilarious. I haven't had this much fun since Cheney was in office." –Craig Ferguson

"O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don't think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Traffic here in New York was backed up today because of the U.N. General Assembly's annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U.N." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you've got a Google news alert tuned to Republican Party, witchcraft and anti-masturbation, you are probably sick of hearing about how Tea Party favorite Christine O'Donnell clinched the nomination for Senator from Delaware." –Jon Stewart

"She's like an east coast Sarah Palin or a less slutty Rachael Ray or like a non-masturbating version of former Delaware Senator Joe Biden. That's right, Biden. I just said you ride the Amtrak, if you know what I mean." –Jon Stewart

"Nation, I have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she's single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package." –Stephen Colbert

"O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ..." –Stephen Colbert

"Jon wants to harness the public's frustration. I want to bombard the public's frustration with gamma rays until it turns on its master with a lust for blood." -Stephen Colbert on the "March to Keep Fear Alive"

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Tea Party Won The 'Battle For The Soul Of The GOP'
Stephen Colbert Proposes Christine O'Donnell Witch Test
Colbert on Media Coverage of the 'March to Keep Fear Alive'

Tueday, Sept 28, 2010

#1687

Late Night From 09/20
Part 2

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"More problems for candidate O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced of her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful." –Jay Leno

"Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too." –Jay Leno

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin is on 'Dancing With The Stars.' And I'm telling you something, you can't get any bigger star than the daughter of a vice presidential loser. That's as good as it gets there." –David Letterman

"The Republican candidate from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, it turns out she's a practicing witch. And if she wins, and goes to the Senate, she'll be the first practicing witch in Washington since Barbara Bush." –David Letterman

"I shouldn't say that. Barbara Bush, of course, was a lovely woman, and also the Quaker Oats guy." –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell says that she once had a date on a satanic altar? Well, who hasn't?" –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

"Iranian President Ahmadinejad is in New York. You know he hates Jews and gay people. Boy, is he in the wrong place." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O'Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Sept 29, 2010

#1688

Late Night From 09/21

"I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell calls it, 'Roots'" –Jay Leno

"There's a clip going around of this Christine O'Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is?" –Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils." –Jay Leno

"This Christine O'Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky." –Jay Leno

"The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have." –Jay Leno

"What they don't tell you, the next recession started in July of last year." –Jay Leno

"The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?" –David Letterman

"This is going to be exciting. We haven't had a witch in Washington since, oh, Condoleezza Rice, I think." –David Letterman

"Economic experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office." –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin made her debut on the show and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O'Donnell was like, 'If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin is one of the dancers on the show. She got an 18. The judges were pretty nice to her. Her mother, Sarah Palin, said she was going to be in the audience for the first show, but she wasn't. It's not like her to commit to something and back out. But it's otter hunting season." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart: 'We Have Found Obama's Kryptonite'
Daily Show: Rally to Restore Sanity Advice

Thursday, Sept 30, 2010

#1689

Late Night From 09/22

"As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent." –Jay Leno

"Here's how you can tell it's autumn, Christine O'Donnell, the witch from Delaware, today she used her caldron to make chowder." –David Letterman

"In Delaware, they have a professional witch running for Senate, and she said at one time that she actually had a date on a satanic altar. Whoa! I mean, seriously, who hasn't? ... The date actually took place at Motel 666." –David Letterman

"The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate." –David Letterman

"According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden says in fact the stimulus is working, and he also says his hair plugs are working." –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell is supported by 82% of Democrats, 64% of Republicans and 100% of Ladies Gaga." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard This Week At The United Nations"

10." Hey Khaddafy, help me out here. do you spell your name with a 'K,' a 'G,' or a 'Q'?"
9. "Knock off the fist pumping."
8. "Wrap it up, Chavez, we have tickets to see 'Billy Elliot'."
7. "Remember the year Don Rickles dropped his pants and fired a rocket?"
6. "We must join together to answer the question the entire world is asking... what is The Event?"
5. "I really only came to New York for Late Show's dancing animals week."
4. "Hummus! Who needs hummus?"
3. "Jeez, they gave Jim Belushi another show?"
2. "No President Bush, this is not Epcot."
1. "Forget the world, how about fixing the Mets?"

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart On Blocked DADT Repeal: 'Are We Run By A**holes?'
Stephen Colbert Predicts Christine O'Donnell's Next Crazy Clip

Friday, Oct 01, 2010

#1690

Late Night From 09/23

"So two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her. ... And you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, 'Baby, I know you love me. But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to f*ck your sister every chance I get.'" –Jon Stewart, on the GOP's new "Pledge to America" (Watch video clip)

"Earlier today, President Obama was speaking at the UN and no one could tell if it was a calm measured address or an angry tirade." –David Letterman

"President Obama discussed international relations, global economy, and also admitted that he dabbled in witchcraft. " –David Letterman

"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman

"Boy, you got to like the Republicans. First they claim that Obama is not an American. 'Where is the birth certificate?' They claim he's not an American, that's the Republicans. Then they run a witch." –David Letterman

"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman

"Last night on Fox News, Sarah Palin said she would run for President, if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they were running for President." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. So finally some good economic news, I'll tell ya, Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Secrets Revealed In The New Bob Woodward Book"

10. Thoughtfully-written foreword by Osama Bin Laden.
9. In White House cafeteria, Wednesday is Taco Night.
8. Work comes to a halt during "Jersey Shore."
7. Joe Biden can fit 11 golf balls in his mouth.
6. Includes 20 pages of Woodward's favorite pit barbecue recipes.
5. Obama keeps staffers in line by constantly threatening to call Mavrikakis.
4. The CIA knew the Joaquin Phoenix thing was fake.
3. White House is haunted by the ghost of Dick Cheney.
2. Administration considered combining Iraq and Afghanistan into one big unmanageable country called "Iraqnifstan."
1. America loves dancing alpacas

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Shows GOP's 'New' Pledge Exactly The Same As The Old

Saturday, Oct 02, 2010

#1691

Late Night From 09/24

"The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?'" –Bill Maher

"The Democrats, these pussies, are unbelievable. They are giving up on their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They have the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke." –Bill Maher

"It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican Party." –Bill Maher

Sunday, Oct 03, 2010

#1685

Late Night From 09/27
Part 1

"They're giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher

"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman

"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Oct 04, 2010

#1686

Late Night From 09/27
Part 2

"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new opera about Bill Clinton. I don't know how it ends, but I bet it isn't with the fat lady singing." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Christine O'Donnell's Controversial Past Spoofed In 'SNL' Season Opener
Gov. Paterson Takes On His Ridiculous 'SNL' Impersonation

Tueday, Oct 05, 2010

#1687

Late Night From 09/27
Part 1

"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman

"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon


Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin Lets Her 'Mama Grizzly' Out On 'DWTS'
Jon Stewart Disses Congress, Fox News For Panning Colbert's Testimony

Wed., Oct 06, 2010

#1688

Late Night From 09/27
Part 2

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea Party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno

"These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?" –Jay Leno

Thursday, Oct 07, 2010

#1689

Late Night From 09/28
Part 1

"While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I'm not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli." –Jay Leno

"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon

"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was 'Do you have a plan to fix the economy?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Merges Halloween With The March To Keep Fear Alive
Kimmel Discovers Sarah Palin's 'Rule Of Threes'

Friday, Oct 08, 2010

#1690

Late Night From 09/28
Part 2

"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"President Obama has written a children's book. Why not? He's got nothing else on his plate." –David Letterman

"Obama's book is called 'The One-Term Engine That Could.'" –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn't get what they wanted should just 'buck up.' Of course, Joe Biden has 'bucked up' a number of times." –Jay Leno

"The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?" –Jay Leno

Saturday, Oct 09, 2010

#1691

Late Night From 09/29
Part 1

"Christine O'Donnell didn't go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That’s like saying you're a TV star, but really you're just on CBS during the middle of the damn night." –Craig Ferguson

"I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. 'Hey baby, I hear you're a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'" –Craig Ferguson

"We shouldn't judge candidates on what they stood for 25 years ago. It's what they stand for today. Because if you look at Christine O'Donnell now, past the media hubbub and what she's actually saying, you'll see she's f*cking insane. But look, I work in late-night television, and frankly we kind of need one of those every now and again. It helps, is what I'm saying. Look, give me one out of 100. Give me one!" –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Boost His Popularity With Younger Voters"

10. Refer to himself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief
9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less
8. Broadcast all Oval Office addresses in 3D
7. Replace Rahm Emanuel with a hunky, brooding vampire
6. Trade in Air Force One for rocket-powered Obama-cycle
5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"
4. Change name to Bajustin Obieber
3. Refer to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"
2. Check into rehab, go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison, check back into rehab
1. Join Team Coco

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Democrats' Campaign Woes
Colbert: March to Keep Fear Alive Insanity Bus

Sunday, Oct 10, 2010

#1692

Late Night From 09/29
Part 2

"A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah." –David Letterman

"President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it's hard now? Wait until the House changes in November." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson

"Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there … She didn't go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford's rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That's their nickname because they always choke." –Craig Ferguson

Monday, Oct 11, 2010

#1693

Late Night From 09/30
Part 2

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." –Jay Leno

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno

"South Dakota Senator John Thune says he's talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: 'Who are you again?'" –Jay Leno

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