Jokes of the day

1501 - 1600

Saturday, Apr 03, 2010

#1501

Late Night From 03/23
Part 2

"Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him." –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'" –Jay Leno

"Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it." –Jay Leno

"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." –Jay Leno

"And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so." –Jay Leno

"And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway." –Jay Leno

"And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'" –Jay Leno

"You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck." –David Letterman

"Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I'm unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed." –David Letterman

"This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: 'O.K., all right. We didn't think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.' They've come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine." –David Letterman

"How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan." –David Letterman

"Don't let people lie to you. We're not out of this recession. Anybody here think we're out of the recession? No, we're not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, 'Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'" –David Letterman

"You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category." –David Letterman

"You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband." –David Letterman

Sunday, Apr 04, 2010

#1502

Late Night From 03/24

"According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?" –Jay Leno

"Here's something amazing: A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it's not the guy's fault. It's her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked." –Jay Leno

"Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two." –David Letterman

"Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate." –David Letterman

"You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers." –David Letterman

"Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron." –Craig Ferguson

"The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It's a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can't trust politicians." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi's popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids." ''' –Jimmy Fallon

"Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.''' –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Fallon's Schoolhouse Rock Parody: How A Bill Because an Effing Law
Jimmy Fallon: Health Care Hits Karaoke

Monday, Apr 05, 2010

#1503

Late Night From 03/25

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was down in Mexico earlier this week. Nothing important. She has to go down there every year at this time to drag Bill back from spring break." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today that the Pentagon will ease up on its enforcement of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. He said homosexual behavior will still be against the rules, but nobody will actively enforce it. You know, kind of like the ethics regulations in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has reportedly released a new audiotape. Can we even play these anymore? Does anybody make audiotapes? I mean, can you put it on CD or something?" –Jay Leno

"Congress is getting ready to pass another job bill, which means they don't create any jobs, we just get the bill." –Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates has ordered the armed forces to initiate changes to their policy of discharging homosexuals. They've changed from the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy, to the 'If you think he's gay, look away' policy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This means the only place gay people can be legally thrown out is 'Project Runway.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some Democrats are accusing Sarah Palin of encouraging violence against Democratic members of Congress. One of her advisors has said that Palin has been quite vocal in her condemnation of the violence. Tell that to the 100 moose, 40 caribou, and eight raccoons that she shot last year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After the healthcare bill passed, more than 10 Democrats received threatening calls and faxes. And really, what's scarier than a threatening fax? 'I'm . . . going . . . to . . . kill . . . you.' Now I'm out of toner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is going to be honored for her anti-obesity campaign at Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards, hosted by Kevin James. I mean, seriously — fighting obesity at a show hosted by Kevin James. That's like fighting adultery at a show hosted by Jesse James." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Apr 06, 2010

#1504

Late Night From 03/26

"As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage ...This week was one giant-kid-screaming-in-the-cereal-aisle tantrum. From the right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway." –Bill Maher, on GOP reaction to the passage of health care reform

"There's a Democratic congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that's creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney." –Bill Maher

"I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'" –Bill Maher

"Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th -- and by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, 'How's that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?' Great, actually. Thanks for asking. And how's that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working out for you?' –Bill Maher

"President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs' son. Gibbs said, 'It's a little expensive, sir' and Obama said, 'I can handle it.' Then he called the president of China and said, 'Can I borrow 37 bucks?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today in Arizona, John McCain and Sarah Palin appeared together at a campaign rally. Palin gave her standard stump speech, which means you ask a question, and she's stumped." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher on Republicans Threatening to Stop Cooperating
Bill Maher Thanks Teabaggers for Health Care Reform

Wed., Apr 07, 2010

#1505

Late Night From 03/29

"Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She's been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who's in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? 'And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!"' –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

"Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn't even have a chance to say something stupid about it." –Jay Leno

"And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway." –Jay Leno

"Congress is now preparing to pass yet another jobs bill. You know how to create more jobs in this country? Fire the people that wrote the first jobs bill. That obviously didn't work." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape." –Jay Leno

"Well, the FBI is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U.S. sports stadium. See, I don't think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series." –Jay Leno

"And over in Afghanistan, the U.S. military is now using pilotless drones to attack Al Qaeda. Do you know what those are? It's a plane that doesn't have any pilot. It's flown by remote control by somebody on the ground. Or as Southwest calls that, 'the next step.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning withJohn McCain." –Jay Leno

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. Did you read all about that? That's kind of exciting. It turns out he was shooting an episode of 'Undercover Boss.'" –David Letterman

"He met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. You know why he was late for the meeting? He had transportation trouble. The accelerator on his camel." –David Letterman

"This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News." –David Letterman

"Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we're going to try it back home in the United States." –David Letterman

"You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was campaigning in a, you know, a motorcycle jacket. She looks like somebody Jesse James would date." –David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of President Obama's Trip To Afghanistan

10. The welcoming chants of "Death to America!"
9. Using miles to get bumped up to business class
8. Picking up sexy negligee for Michelle at "Mahboba's Secret"
7. Playing a little 1-on-1 with Hamid Karzai
6. Seeing "Hot Tub Time Machine" dubbed in Pashto
5. Military demonstration on new secret weapon: ground-to-air-goat
4. The splendor of Kabul in the springtime
3. Catching Jon Lovitz at new Kandahar comedy club "Laffghanistan"
2. Spotting a confused John McCain arguing with a falafel
1. Leaving Afghanistan

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Takes on the Health Care Reform Violence
Jimmy Kimmel: A Sneak Peek at the Sarah Palin Reality Show

Thursday, Apr 08, 2010

#1506

Late Night From 03/30
Part 1

"Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know who else is on 'Dancing with the Stars'? Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it's getting so many adjustments, Obama's now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills." –Jimmy Fallon

"In the same interview, President Obama said that his family has decided not to join any one, single church, because he causes too much of a disruption at services. At the last service, the priest was like, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and holy cow, the President!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don't know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And remember, you know, the Census Bureau sends a Census taker to any home that doesn't reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in." –Jimmy Kimmel|

David Letterman's Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses

10. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
9. 'Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office'
8. 'It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other'
7. 'Scott Brown raved about the place'
6. 'The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked'
5. 'I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?'
4. 'Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs'
3. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
2. 'If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won'
1. 'Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind''

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Revels in GOP Bondage Club Scandal
Letterman Takes on RNC Strip Club Scandal

Friday, Apr 09, 2010

#1507

Late Night From 03/30
Part 2

"During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement. " –Craig Ferguson

"It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians." –Craig Ferguson

"At least it was the young Republicans that did this. Could you imagine Bob Dole and John McCain walking in there?" –Craig Ferguson

"Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms." –Craig Ferguson

"The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele – you probably heard about this – he got in a lot of trouble. I guess they dropped over $2,000 to staffers at a topless bondage theme nightclub right here in Hollywood. And what's the Republicans' big issue right now? Isn't it – oh, yeah – cutting down on wasteful spending?" –Jay Leno

"Michael Steele. Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub?" –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden did it again. He showed up at the White House Seder last night with a bunch of ham sandwiches." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to 'Newsweek,' the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

"First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don't think the President had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the President asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, 'Fox News was there?'" –Jay Leno

"Now here's a fascinating story. And this kind of thing happens all the time. But every time it happens, we always say, 'Whoa, here we go.' The Republican National Committee had a big party at some kind of a sex club in Los Angeles. They spent $2,000 of campaign donation money on the bill at the sex club in Los Angeles. But the guy who organized the big Republican sex party apologized on the Golf Channel, so that's good." –David Letterman

Saturday, Apr 10, 2010

#1508

Late Night From 03/31

"Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain." –Jay Leno

"Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Here's a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, 'You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let's have a party.' So they said, 'Well, yeah, but we don't want to pay for it.' And they said: 'No. We'll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We'll let the folks pay for it.' And everybody said, 'Great, what do we do?' And they said, 'Well, let's go to Los Angeles to a sex club.' And they said, 'Great!' So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, you know; climate control; financial reform." –David Letterman

"Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error." -Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one." -Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?" –Craig Ferguson


Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Shows C-SPAN How to Handle Racist Callers
Tonight Show: Bill Maher Talks Tea Baggers and Pot

Sunday, Apr 11, 2010

#1509

Late Night From 04/01

"Census time, ladies and gentlemen. President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"Some people aren't sending their census forms because they're angry at the government, which is dumb because the census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don't send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is April Fools' Day, that day of the year when you can't get anyone to believe anything you say — or as Gov. Paterson calls it, 'Any day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"As part of an April Fools' Day prank, Google renamed itself 'Topeka.' As part of a really desperate prank, Yahoo renamed itself 'Google.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During a speech at the White House, President Obama said that 'teleworking' from home can boost efficiency. Kind of interesting advice from a guy who just flew 13 hours to Afghanistan to say 'what's up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves." –Jay Leno

"This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat." –Jay Leno

"In fact, one eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

"Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests," –Jay Leno

"Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Monday, Apr 12, 2010

#1510

Late Night From 04/02

"Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn't know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney's underground torture chamber." –David Letterman

"Hey, here's another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It's the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats." –David Letterman

"Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And this is interesting. President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is like taking 58 million cars off the road for an entire year. Or as Toyota calls it, 'business as usual.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More car news. Ford is teaming up with Microsoft to create an all electric car called the Microsoft Hohm. That's smart, because if there's one company that knows how to avoid crashes, it's Microsoft." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel's biggest problem, high popcorn prices." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Apr 13, 2010

#1511

Late Night From 04/05
Part 1

"President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you probably know, Michelle Obama's pet project is raising awareness of childhood obesity, so they didn't just roll eggs this year. They rolled a few fat kids to make an example of them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Then later this afternoon, the president threw out the first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals. You know, baseball has started again. The last time the president threw out a first pitch was at the All-Star Game last year, which was notable, mostly because he was wearing his famous mom jeans when he did it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wisely, the president decided to donate those lady pants to the Smithsonian. And today, he sported a pair of gray slacks. The pants were better, but the pitch wasn't. That was more like a free throw than a pitch. Maybe his pitching power was stored in that pair of mom jeans, and now, like Samson without his pony tail, his strength is gone." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it 'way to the left and possibly socialist.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, 'Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Insurance Companies For Looking For Loopholes

Wed., Apr 14, 2010

#1512

Taking the day off

Thursday, Apr 15, 2010

#1513

Taking the day off

Friday, Apr 16, 2010

#1514

Taking the day off

Saturday, Apr 17, 2010

#1515

Late Night From 04/05
Part 2

"You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a 'socialist free food giveaway.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, yesterday, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just here in L.A." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's some good news. The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"And a man in Punxsutawney, Pa., last week was charged with public drunkenness after cops caught him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a flattened, roadkill opossum. Look, I know Obama's health care is supposed to include everybody. But look, this is crazy. It's too much." –Jay Leno

"The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people." –Jay Leno

"And last week, Sarah Palin gave a speech in Nevada, where she criticized President Barack Obama for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is Sarah Palin thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them a teacher." –Jay Leno

"Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire." –Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings." –Jay Leno

Sunday, Apr 18, 2010

#1516

Late Night From 04/06

"Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often." –Jay Leno

"The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he'll be a happy drunk." –Jay Leno

" Well, the Labor Department reported that the economy added 162,000 jobs last month, all of them bodyguards for Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let's face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor." –David Letterman

"John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn't really consider himself a 'maverick.' What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn't think of himself as a maverick? I'll tell you what kind — a maverick." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on McCain and His 'Worthless' Soul

Monday, Apr 19, 2010

#1517

Late Night From 04/07

"Well, earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk." –Jay Leno

"Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose." –Jay Leno

"Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words." –Jay Leno

"And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News." –Jay Leno

"The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good." –David Letterman

"People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric." –David Letterman

"And they've been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I'm telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin." –David Letterman

"Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, 'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear." –Jimmy Kimmel

Letterman's Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind On April 15

10. 'If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye'
9. 'I think my calculator is talking to me'
8. 'If I screw up, they go to jail, not me'
7. 'Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?'
6. 'Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?'
5. 'Get through today and then a 364-day weekend'
4. 'Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job'
3. 'Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands'
2. 'Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?'
1. 'This would be a lot easier if I was sober'

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Grills Muppet Michael Steele

Tueday, Apr 20, 2010

#1518

Late Night From 04/08

"President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone's happy about it. Fox News said it was a 'summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we've really been 'frienemies' this whole time." –Craig Ferguson

"When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It's waxy, it's falling apart — it's like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian." –Craig Ferguson

"I watched golf today. It's boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It's funny that she's going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, 'Drill, baby, drill.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby 'Tripp,' with two p's, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job has called President Obama a big bully. You know, when you're 5 feet 2 inches, you think everybody's a big bully." –Jay Leno

"He threatened to punch President Obama right in the knee." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president." –Jay Leno

"KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It's bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: 'We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can't keep up with you guys.'" –Jay Leno

"China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That's unbelievable. Maybe that's why we didn't understand them. He's been singing in Chinese all these years." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips FOX For Inaccurate Reporting on Nuke Treaty

Wed., Apr 21, 2010

#1519

Late Night From 04/09-10

"Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong 30% of the time." Well that's not bad - for a weatherman - or a free throw shooter - but you were the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and you ran it on the rhythm method." –Seth Meyers

"FedEx announced this week that it will add four new electric trucks to its delivery fleet. Four electric truck! Well, let me be the first to say, welcome back glaciers." –Seth Meyers

"In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai is mad at the United States. We said his government is riddled with bribes, corruption, and pay-offs. I guess they're trying to pass healthcare over there too." –Jay Leno

"According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they're turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Tina Fey Returns as Sarah Palin on SNL
Bill Maher: Your 5 Day Accu-Wrath Forecast with Dallas Trinity!

Thursday, Apr 22, 2010

#1520

Late Night From 04/12

"Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums." –Jay Leno

"Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal." –Jay Leno

"Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?" –Jay Leno

"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay Leno

"There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King." –Jimmy Fallon

"Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable." –Craig Ferguson

"KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance." –Craig Ferguson

"I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Conan O'Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on the Retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens

Friday, Apr 23, 2010

#1521

Late Night From 04/13

"We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, I believe his name is pronounced, is in Washington this week. Boy, it's causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month." –Jay Leno

"In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing." –Jay Leno

"And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe." –Jay Leno

"A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?" –Jay Leno

"According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that's called Al Karma." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that in 2012 he's going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James's rehab facility. You're asking for trouble." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What's wrong with you, Fox News? You don't ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don't have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart "Warns" Tea Baggers To Stay Away From GOP

Saturday, Apr 24, 2010

#1522

Late Night From 04/14
Part 1

"Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing." –Jimmy Fallon

"This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them." –Craig Ferguson

"A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they're old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They're like the tree world's Larry King." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon." –Craig Ferguson

"The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Hammers Fox News For Comparing Nuclear Summit Logo To Muslim Flags

Sunday, Apr 25, 2010

#1523

Late Night From 04/14
Part 2

"Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Apr 26, 2010

#1524

Late Night From 04/15

"At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off. " –Jimmy Fallon

"At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: 'Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?' Is anyone going to say 'no' to that? It's like going to a Phish show and saying, 'Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

"Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless." –Jay Leno

"Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition." –Jay Leno

"A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee." –Jay Leno

"Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?" –Jay Leno

Tueday, Apr 27, 2010

#1525

Late Night From 04/16-17

"What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally." –Bill Maher

"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." –Bill Maher

"They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent." –Bill Maher

"These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how." –Bill Maher

"This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we're lucky he didn't have to kneel and blow him." –Bill Maher

"Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces." –Bill Maher

There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad." –Bill Maher

"This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush's footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it's the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green p**sy." –Bill Maher

“In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them." –Jimmy Fallon

"There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words." –Jimmy Fallon

"A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife."  –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Mocks Tea Baggers' Outfits, Signs, and Lack of Humor
Bill Maher on Tea Party Anger
Bill Maher Interviews Jesse Ventura

Wed., Apr 28, 2010

#1526

Late Night From 04/19

"As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon and the volcano said the same thing about him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I am so stupid. I made a huge mistake. I sent my taxes to Russia and my adopted kid to the IRS." –Jay Leno

"The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything's grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, a big setback for NASA. President Obama cutting the space program of sending men to the moon. Although he can point to one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Hey, here's an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"Officials now say that the two most senior leaders of al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed in a joint U.S.-Iraqi mission. I believe the names were 'what's his face' and 'the guy who plays the guy who replaced the guy we killed last week.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, actually, we can't take all the credit. What happened was the Lexus GX 460 rolled over." –Jay Leno

"According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is broke. How ironic is that? Al Qaeda would run out of moolah. Isn't that unbelievable?" –Jay Leno

"Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they're being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!'" –Jay Leno

"Larry King has filed for divorce. The rumor going around is that Larry's wife left him for a younger man, John McCain." –Jay Leno

"I am aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. Thank God I still have my swine flu mask." –David Letterman

"The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city's air quality is actually improving." –David Letterman

"Thousands of tourists are stranded in Europe, but it's giving the passengers the opportunity to go share a bar stool with one of the pilots." –David Letterman

"Larry King getting another divorce. Had an affair with his sister-in-law but in his defense — there is always another side to the story — in his defense, at his age, you know, it's hard to remember which sister he's married to." –David Letterman

"Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson's tour bus." –Craig Ferguson

"You can't fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah." –Craig Ferguson

"The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an 'ice-hole,' but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it's more of an 'ash-hole.'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Blasts Goldman Sachs for Fraud Case
Stephen Colbert on Volcano Eyjafjallajokull

Thursday, Apr 29, 2010

#1527

Late Night From 04/20

"Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization."  –Jon Stewart

"Fox News: You are the lupus of news." –Jon Stewart

"The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish." –Jay Leno

"According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it." –Jay Leno

"Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street." –Jay Leno

"Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel." –David Letterman

"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit." –David Letterman

"The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house." –David Letterman

"Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses

10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Fox With Gospel Version of 'Go F**K Yourselves'
Colbert Cracks Down on 4/20 Celebrations

Friday, Apr 30, 2010

#1528

Out of town

Saturday, May 01, 2010

#1529

Out of town

Sunday, May 02, 2010

#1530

Late Night From 04/21

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" –Jay Leno

"You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street." –Jay Leno

"This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest." –Jay Leno

"Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you." –Jay Leno

"And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King." –Jay Leno

"Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea." –Jay Leno

"For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday." –Jay Leno

"The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered." –Jay Leno

"The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong." –Jay Leno

"Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming." –David Letterman

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

"Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage." –David Letterman

"Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'" –Craig Ferguson

'Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.' –Jon Stewart

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Schools the UK on Elections
Colbert on Arizona's Immigration Bill

Monday, May 03, 2010

#1531

Late Night From 04/22

"Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Priuses." –Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish." –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then." –Jay Leno

"Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'" –Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'" –David Letterman

"Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?" –David Letterman

"Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family." –David Letterman

"President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth. " –Craig Ferguson

"The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases." –Craig Ferguson

"It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Stands Up for "South Park," Sings Another Round of "G F**K Yourselves"
Colbert Urges Lindsey Graham to Release Straight Sex Tape

Tueday, May 04, 2010

#1532

Late Night From 04/23

"This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." –Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" –Bill Maher

"Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed." –Bill Maher, on Arizona's immigration bill.

"The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil." -- Bill Maher, on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico

"What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads." –Bill Maher, on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

"The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves teabaggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect –  it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday." –Bill Maher in his "New Rules" segment

"New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler." –Bill Maher in his "New Rules" segment

"One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money." –Jay Leno

"Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS." –David Letterman

"Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher Blasts Tea Baggers for Ignoring Defense Spending
Bill Maher Monologue: Change You Can Suck On
SNL Takes on Obama's Latest Attempt for Financial Reform

Wed., May 05, 2010

#1533

Late Night From 04/26
Part 1

"Here's a nice story. President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, took the weekend off. They went hiking in North Carolina. Had a great time. And so he wouldn't get lost, Obama left behind a trail of cigarette butts." –David Letterman

"Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I'm excited just to hear him pronounce the word 'memoirs.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Crown Publishing has given a November release date for what they're saying is an incredibly honest account of key decision in the President's life. There's a whole chapter dedicated to smooth vs. crunchy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's even working on his follow-up to Decision Points, which is supposed to be released next year – it's called Decision Pants. It's about all the tough decision he's faced with every morning when he puts his clothes on." –Jimmy Kimmel

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head slightly turned from the camera, or as Bush calls it, 'posing all serious-like.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, the book is called 'Decision Points,' and 1,000 signed, cloth-bound copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one will say: 'Thanks for reading about my decisions. Sincerely, Dick Cheney.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bush's memoir is going to be titled 'Decision Points.' That sounds like the reward system that was used to get Bush to do things when he was in office, doesn't it? 'So, if I sign that paper with the law on it, how many decision points do I get? Like, five decision points, six? Last Wednesday, I got a silver star and a smiley face.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

10. 'What's a memoir?'
9. 'Is 36 pages enough?'
8. 'You know who was a great band? Foghat!'
7. 'Taco break!'
6. 'How cool is it that I was president? Come on, up high!'
5. 'Jerky break!'
4. 'Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball. And no gimmies. All ropes!'
3. 'What? Ricky Martin's gay?'
2. 'Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'ew'?'
1. 'Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?'

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Hammers Arizona Lawmakers for Immigration Bill

Thursday, May 06, 2010

#1534

Late Night From 04/26
Part 2

"Arizona is the meth lab of democracy." –Jon Stewart on Arizona's new immigration law (Watch video)

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out." –Jay Leno

"You probably heard about this. Both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took some heat for flying separately to New York City last week because it was Earth Day, and they got heat for flying on two separate planes. Though in fairness, they can't fly together because of security reasons. Or at least that's what Obama told Biden." –Jay Leno

"And the state of Arizona, has a new slogan: 'get out.'" –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now." –Jay Leno

"It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones." –Jay Leno

"China is now considering easing up on that policy one-child-per-family law they have down there. For years, they have only allowed one child per household. Now, a factory — well that can have as many children as they need." –Jay Leno

"During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country." –Jay Leno

"One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush is writing his memoir. Writing his autobiography about his eight years in the White House. He's not done with it yet, but he's already put up the mission accomplished banner." –David Letterman

"The publisher says that in the book, Bush writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. And I'm thinking, whew! Man, this is going to be a long book." –David Letterman

"You know what happened today down in Washington, D.C.? The world champion New York Yankees visited the White House. Oh, you know who was not there from the championship team? Kate Hudson." –David Letterman

"It was a beautiful day. President Obama charged them $25 for a hot dog and a warm beer." –David Letterman

"It was quite a change for the New York Yankees, going from 'The House That Ruth Built' to 'The House That Bush Wrecked.'" –David Letterman

"Here in New York City, the Yankees, they're champions. In Arizona, they would be deported." –David Letterman

Friday, May 07, 2010

#1535

Late Night From 04/27
Part 1

"Here, this is good. Going to be ready for you in November. Going to be in bookstores in November. It's George W. Bush's memoir. It's about 14 key decisions that George W. Bush made in his life. For example, his decision to move Jay to 10 p.m. is covered in the book." –David Letterman

"The book will be ready in November. Bush is making last-minute revisions right now. As a matter of fact, his computer screen is covered with whiteout." –David Letterman

"And the publisher says that the book contains quite a discussion about all of the mistakes that he made and all of the problems and all of the trouble that he caused. Boy, that will be a long book." –David Letterman

"And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They're going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?" –David Letterman

"After meeting with his deficit commission today, President Obama said that it's a lot easier to spend a dollar than it is to save one. Even the deficit commission was like, 'Who invited grandpa?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the 'American Idol' judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Rips Senate For 'Impotent Rage' During Goldman Sachs Hearing
Letterman Takes on George Bush's Memoir
Colbert: 'Stephen Hawking Is Such An A-Hole'
Bill Maher's New Rule: Reef Madness

Saturday, May 08, 2010

#1536

Late Night From 04/27
Part 2

"The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English." –Jay Leno

"This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan 'what can brown do for you?' anymore. Can't even use that." –Jay Leno

"Ironically, after they passed this new law, you know how they celebrated at the statehouse? Shots of tequila." –Jay Leno

"The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime." –Jay Leno

"So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying." –Jay Leno

"And the cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is now considering giving approval for the development of a hyper-supersonic missile that can reach anywhere in the world in an hour. It's a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino's Pizza." –Jay Leno

"Well, it was an announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them." –Jay Leno

"Anybody here from Arizona? They have that new tough immigration law, and they say now because they're getting a lot of reaction, they're saying it isn't targeted to Mexicans. The immigration law, they said, is not about keeping Mexicans south of the border. As a matter of fact, they had a crew out today of government agents looking for Dutch people." –David Letterman

"Senator John McCain supported Arizona's new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower." –David Letterman

Sunday, May 09, 2010

#1537

Late Night From 04/28

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van." –Jay Leno

"Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out." –David Letterman

"They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" –David Letterman

"How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn't try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens — I'm fine with Canadians though." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts"

10. Signs a bill outlawing illegal immigration, and also legal immigration
9. Keeps a tip jar on the desk
8. Claims to be governor of Margaritaville
7. After meeting with Schwarzenegger, raves, 'This guy is a genius!'
6. Last-minute iPhone calls to commute death sentences fail because he's using AT&T
5. Signs all legislation with his tongue
4. Just ordered the deportation of guys named Scott or Todd
3. Thinks Ricky Martin just needs to find the right girl
2. Used immigration bill to kick George Lopez out of his time slot
1. Even Rod Blagojevich thinks the dude is crooked

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Apple's 'Appholes' Over Lost iPhone Debacle
Colbert on the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill

Monday, May 10, 2010

#1538

Late Night From 04/29

"John Edwards's mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on 'Oprah' today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses' marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that's not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I'm sure that's what it was." –Jay Leno

"Why is this woman on 'Oprah'? Shouldn't she be On 'Maury Povich'? 'John Edwards, you are the father!'" –Jay Leno

"And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken." –Jay Leno

"And the White House's top budget director — a man named Peter Orszag — warned that out-of-control deficits will mortgage our future to foreign creditors. Now, of course, people were stunned when they heard this. 'What? The White House has a budget director? Where has he been?'" –Jay Leno

"And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it's best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he's against giving them driver's licenses." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos." –Jay Leno

"They're not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state's drug supply." –Jay Leno

"And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese." –Jay Leno

"Publishers announced that former President George Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called 'Decision Points.' The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney." –Jay Leno

"There's a show on CBS called 'The Mentalist.' It's about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. He's that good." –David Letterman

"Former President George Bush is writing his memoir, and his wife, Laura Bush, also writing a book called, I believe, 'From the Heart.' And she talks about one time she and her husband, she believes when they were at a summit meeting in Germany, they were actually poisoned. That's German food for you." –David Letterman

"Rielle Hunter appeared on 'Oprah' to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. Not to be outdone, next week, John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Revelations in the Laura Bush Book"

10. Keeps slim by wrasslin' gators.
9. As a little girl, dreamed of one day marrying America's worst President.
8. Required extra staffers to cut up President's pretzels.
7. Thought she was marrying Jeb.
6. That poisoning incident? Turns out George ate a Duraflame log.
5. George still works on his cheerleading routines.
4. At their house, it's always happy hour!
3. George loves M&Ms because he thinks they have Dubyas on ‘em.
2. George W. Bush is so dumb, he once got tangled in a cordless phone.
1. Keeps the ‘Mission Accomplished' banner above the bed.

Tueday, May 11, 2010

#1539

Vacation

Wed., May 12, 2010

#1540

Vacation

Thursday, May 13, 2010

#1541

Vacation

Friday, May 14, 2010

#1542

Vacation

Saturday, May 15, 2010

#1543

Vacation

Sunday, May 16, 2010

#1544

Vacation

Monday, May 17, 2010

#1545

Late Night From 04/30

"They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million." —David Letterman

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

"Stephen Hawking says that if we try to contact aliens from outer space, they may try to colonize the planet. Didn't Starbucks already do that?" –David Letterman

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." –Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

"This is the plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they’re going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." –Bill Maher

"It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and Arizona deporting all the people who mop up." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Although America likes to think it’s #1, we have to admit we’re behind the developing world in at least one thing: Their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours. When “South Park” got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served – or should – as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn’t just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists. It’s better." –Bill Maher

"And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, “Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.” –Bill Maher

"For centuries, you either joined the church or you were killed. Nowadays when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them." –Bill Maher

"This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president." –Jay Leno

"They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That's how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement." –Jay Leno

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in history. Police can now ask for your papers if they see you coming out of El Pollo Loco." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are boycotting Arizona Iced Tea, which is made in New York City. But that's irrelevant to the boycott organizers — Snapple." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher on the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

Tueday, May 18, 2010

#1546

Late Night From 05/03
Part 1

"And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'" –Jay Leno

"Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher." –Jay Leno

"And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's." –Jay Leno

"The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, there were huge marches to protest Arizona's new immigration law. If you don't know, Arizona's new law says police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if reasonable suspicion can be found that they're in the country illegally. But what's reasonable suspicion? One Arizona lawmaker said, 'Illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes.' Really? I know it was obvious with me when I got off the plane because I was wearing Speedos, of course." –Craig Ferguson

"The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo Party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams BP, Politicians for Oil Spill Response
Letterman: Obama Promised 'The Tonight Show' in 5 Years
Bill Maher Slams Scientists Who Claim to Have Found Noah's Ark

Wed., May 19, 2010

#1547

Late Night From 05/03
Part 2

"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." –David Letterman

"Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club." –David Letterman

"But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'" –David Letterman

"Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath." –David Letterman

"British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine." –David Letterman

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

"Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker." –David Letterman

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel." –David Letterman

"Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger." –Jay Leno

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

Thursday, May 20, 2010

#1548

Late Night From 05/04
Part 1

"This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'" –David Letterman

"But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout." –David Letterman

"But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." –David Letterman

"So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe." –David Letterman

"Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show." –David Letterman

"But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?" –David Letterman

"Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley." –David Letterman

"You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'" –David Letterman

"Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'" –David Letterman

"If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives." –David Letterman

"It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jay Leno Jokes That Bomber Is On Team Coco
Jon Stewart Agrees With Glenn Beck?!?!
Daily Show on the Nashville Flooding

Friday, May 21, 2010

#1549

Late Night From 05/04
Part 2

"God, why must you take New Orleans and Nashville when Philadelphia is just f**king sitting there?!" –Jon Stewart

"Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona." –Jay Leno

"His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is." –Jay Leno

"Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?" –Jay Leno

"Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

"The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'" –Jay Leno

"And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot." –Jay Leno

"Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders." –Jay Leno

"Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems." –Jay Leno

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland." –Jay Leno

"And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American." –Jay Leno

Saturday, May 22, 2010

#1550

Late Night From 05/05
Part 1

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Rips Anti-Gay Activist, Throws 'Rentboy' Dance Party

Sunday, May 23, 2010

#1551

Late Night From 05/05
Part 2

"Hey, did you know about this? Tonight, to protest Arizona's new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop." –Jay Leno

"So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America." –Jay Leno

"Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable." –Jay Leno

"If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business." –Jay Leno

"Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess." –Jay Leno

"I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson." –Jay Leno

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor." –David Letterman

Monday, May 24, 2010

#1552

Late Night From 05/06

"How about that Times Square bomber? Now, I'm no genius, but this guy left his house keys in the bomb car. It was the one flaw in an otherwise perfect crime." –David Letterman

"But there is some good news for Faisal Shahzad. Today he was told that he made the Taliban blooper reel." –David Letterman

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

"Greece has a national debt that is so large, they can never pay it back. Well, thank God that can never happen here." –Jay Leno

"British Petroleum says they're going to try and stop that huge oil leak in the 'Gulf of Texaco', as I call it. They're going to put a big box over the leak. I mean, who came up with this, Wile E. Coyote?" –Jay Leno

"And to protest Arizona's tough new immigration law, a lot of people now boycotting products made in that state. This could cripple the bolo tie industry." –Jay Leno

"Is that a good idea? Boycotting products made in Arizona? I can't find any products made in America. Forget Arizona." –Jay Leno

"The good news is the Border Patrol has finally come up with a way to stop the illegal immigration. They're going to hire security guards from the Phillies game to just taser people as they come through." –Jay Leno

"Well, as a result of the Times Square bomber, there is a new policy regarding the no-fly list. They're actually going to start reading them now." –Jay Leno

"Well, this Faisal Shahzad managed to get on the plane because the airline workers used an out of date do not fly list. But the good news? There is no way Lee Harvey Oswald was getting on that plane, I'll tell you that." –Jay Leno

"I just heard this about the Times Square bomber. The suspect says he left a getaway car near Times Square but was unable to use it on Saturday because he left the keys in the Pathfinder. That had to be a weird call to OnStar, right? 'Hello, OnStar. What is your emergency?' 'Oh, man, you are not going to believe this. So, I'm trying to blow up Times Square, right? I am in such a hurry to escape I totally locked the keys in my car. It's just one of those days.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More news out of New York. The new Broadway play about Enron didn't get any major Tony nominations and will lose $4 million when it closes on Sunday. In other words, it was a major success compared to the real Enron." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn't the work of a stoner, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, May 25, 2010

#1553

Late Night From 05/08

"Mr. George Rekers was caught this week on a European vacation with a 20 year-old male hooker. And his excuse, the first excuse, was that he needed someone to carry his luggage. … Rekers said he could have just bought one of those rolling suitcases, but they look so gay." –Bill Maher

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, 'No, we have nothing to do with him.' … The Taliban said, 'The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we'll hire BP.'" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

"The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota." –Bill Maher

"This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, 'We will not be terrorized,' he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans, of course we're terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives." –Bill Maher

"I love you Greece, but your retirement age is 54. Really? Greek people in America work the register at the diner til they die." –Tina Fey, on SNL's "Weekend Update"

"One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation." -Amy Poehler, on the dramatic dropping of the Dow, SNL's "Weekened Update'

Late-Night TV Videos
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Return to SNL's Weekend Update
Bill Maher's New Rules: Arizona Picking on the Poor
Bill Maher Monologue: BP and Times Square

Wed., May 26, 2010

#1554

Late Night From 05/07

"The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, 'No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'" –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses." .–David Letterman

"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Although it seems like nothing is getting accomplished in the Gulf, and the situation is getting worse every day, the government has been involved in the clean-up effort since the beginning. They said that, as proof of their involvement, nothing has really been accomplished and the situation is getting worse every day." –Jay Leno

"The stock market crisis is so bad that Wall Street is starting to look like Wal-Mart Street." –Jay Leno

"The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous." –Jay Leno

"George Rekers, the co-founder of a far-Right Christian group called the Family Research Council, sounds very scientific. It’s not. This man devoted his life to curing homosexuality. And you know, people have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re definitely gay! They are 100% sausage-smoking, Barbara Streisand-loving, Project Runway-ready gay." –Bill Maher

Thursday, May 27, 2010

#1555

Late Night From 05/10

"Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has picked Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his Supreme Court nominee. America does not know a whole lot about her. All we know at this point is during the last 'Twilight' movie, she was 'Team Jacob.'" –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn't even know it was closed." –Jay Leno

"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." –Jay Leno

"Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults." –Jay Leno

"The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation." –David Letterman

"It looks like the next Supreme Court justice could be a New Yorker. Her name is Elena Kagan. She has never argued before a judge before. But living in New York City, you know, she's argued in cabs, she's argued in subways, she's argued in delis, she's argued in her apartment, she's yelled at her super, she's argued in line." –David Letterman

"It is a great day for America's Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man." –Craig Ferguson

"The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don't know who's running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth." –Craig Ferguson

"Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens. " –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad here in the U.S. we always know who's running things. Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

"Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming didn't see coming, it's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat." –Jon Stewart, on the stock market crash

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert On Oil Containment: "No One Knows What The F--k They're Doing"
Jon Stewart Slams Wall Street For Stock Market Crash

Friday, May 28, 2010

#1556

Late Night From 05/11

"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno

"Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here." –Jay Leno

"The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking." –Jay Leno

"Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse." –Jay Leno

"Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism's down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn't done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there's not a lot they've made." –Jay Leno

"Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California." –Jay Leno

"Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China's economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?" –Jay Leno

"Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail." –Jay Leno

"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." –Jay Leno

"And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn't squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they're going to trucks now." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf." –David Letterman

"But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak." –David Letterman

"Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke." –Craig Ferguson

"Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Hammers Conservatives for Hypocritical Bush-Obama Comparisons
Stephen Colbert Weighs in on Elena Kagan

Saturday, May 29, 2010

#1557

Late Night From 05/17

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

"British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? 'Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'" –Jay Leno

"For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage." –Jay Leno

"Did you see the new Miss U.S.A. pageant over the weekend. Miss Michigan won. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. And, well, it gets better. John McCain has already selected her as his 2012 running mate." –David Letterman

"Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here's what they're doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman." –David Letterman

"And what they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman

"Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be there. She was being detained by the authorities." –David Letterman

"Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman

"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, May 30, 2010

#1558

Late Night From 05/18

"The Lakers trounced the Phoenix Suns last night, 128-107. Phoenix was so bad, today the Arizona Legislature voted to deport them." –Jay Leno

"Attorney General Eric Holder has said he may sue Arizona for their new anti-immigration law. Holder admitted he has not yet read the law. Hey, that didn't stop Congress from passing the health care reform bill. Nobody read that, either." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, it's happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, big-time — one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there's a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier." –Jay Leno

"The government now wants to train parking lot attendants to watch for terrorists. They believe parking lot attendants can be trained to report anyone who comes in with a car that's suspicious. The parking lot attendant would turn them in, unless the terrorist was a good tipper. Then, of course, nothing would happen at all, and we'd all be screwed." –Jay Leno

"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman

"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it." –David Letterman

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"How about that volcano in Iceland. It's still erupting, but it's no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now, Iceland is teaming up with BP. to create this summer's top catastrophe. A Lorimar production." –David Letterman

"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman

"You know what happened down in Washington? I guess it was yesterday. There was a swarm of bees down there at the White House. The bees flew in and demanded to see Obama's birth certificate." –David Letterman

"The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They're not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It's like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it's from Flavor Flav." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He's a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn't got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon." –Jimmy Fallon

"Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries." –Jimmy Fallon

"After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he's leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like: 'Why don't you start without me? Why don't you just go. I'll catch up with you on that walk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Iraq security forces say they have detained an al Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate gooooaaalllll!" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, May 31, 2010

#1559

Late Night From 05/19

"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno

"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno

"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno

"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, one embarrassing moment with the Mexican president happened when Obama said, 'Let us all stand together,' and the governor of Arizona said: 'There he is. Grab him!'" –Jay Leno

"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K." –Jay Leno

"Another show canceled right here at CBS, 'The Ghost Whisperer.' Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she's trying to find a job for Arlen Specter." –David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here's the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It's getting closer." –David Letterman

"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman

"You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, June 01, 2010

#1560

Late Night From 05/20

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left." –Jay Leno

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer." –Jay Leno

"In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over." –Jay Leno

"And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'" –Jay Leno

"Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'" –Jay Leno

"Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don't they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar." –David Letterman

"Down there at the White House, they had a state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderón. Every door at the White House was guarded by a New York City T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman

"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"The BP oil spill turned a month old today. Unfortunately, it has not been potty trained yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner"

10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?'
9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?'
8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?'
7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros'
6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants'
5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers'
4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!'
3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine'
2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show''
1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal'

Wed., June 02, 2010

#1561

Late Night From 05/12

Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's complaints that critics of Arizona's immigration law have played the Nazi card: "Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel."

"It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!" –Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's frequent use of Nazi analogies

"Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourette's." –Lewis Black

"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

"How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it." –David Letterman

"Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it's a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest." –Jay Leno

"BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right." –Jay Leno

"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?" –Jay Leno

"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too." –Jay Leno

"Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?" –Jay Leno

"Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Lewis Black: "Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourette's"
Daily Show on the British Election Outcome

Thursday, June 03, 2010

#1562

Late Night From 05/13

"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' I'll tell you, Betty White is out of control." –Jay Leno

"According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, 'They were going up anyway.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it's cheaper than the station across the street." –Jay Leno

"Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington." –Jay Leno

"And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?" –Jay Leno

"Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we liberate Kuwait? Now they don't want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?" –Jay Leno

"The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn't even close. The council voted, trece to uno." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn't write." –Jay Leno

"They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation's top T-shirt vendors. " –David Letterman

"So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount." –David Letterman

"And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she's apparently very, very smart. Here's how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs." –David Letterman

"The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the 'Birthers.' From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.' –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Rips Glenn Beck for MLK Connections
Daily Show: Oil Spill Blame Game

Friday, June 04, 2010

#1563

Late Night From 05/14

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." –Bill Maher, on the Gulf oil spill

"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." –Bill Maher

"Just in time for Christmas, the queen of 'Drill Baby Drill,' Sarah Palin, has a new book out. It was announced this week. It's called, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. And for Sarah, that's two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy." –Bill Maher

"She apparently was so motivated to be on the Supreme Court that there are pictures of her in her high school yearbook wearing judge's robes. I mean, there are some people who say it's weird to know what you want that early in life. I disagree. Because there are pictures of me in my high school yearbook where I am completely high." –Bill Maher, on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan

"He said, 'I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever.' But you know what dude, when you go to a website called RentBoy.com, which he did, and that website says, 'For the tightest asses on the internet, click here' – and then you click there – I think that's homosexual behavior." –Bill Maher, on Rev. George Rekers, who was caught returning from an overseas trip with a male prostitute

"They passed a bill … banning public schools now from offering any courses in ethnic studies. It's funny, you know, they never say they're targeting Mexicans specifically, but I think we get that idea. Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once." –Bill Maher

"This has not been a good day if you're a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers." –Jay Leno

"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he's angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he's tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is our season finale. Usually, you only have a season finale when Jay Leno wants your time slot." –David Letterman

"Does anyone here remember the Gulf of Mexico? Well, it's gone." –David Letterman

"Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has never argued in a court before. But being from New York, she's argued in delis, cabs, airports, etc." –David Letterman

"Elena Kagan is very smart. For instance, she knew back in the '90s that Ricky Martin was gay." –David Letterman

"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson

"'Robin Hood' opens this weekend. Robin Hood is famous for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, which made him a folk hero in 12th century England. Nowadays, we call that sort of thing 'communism.' If someone was stealing from the rich and giving to the poor in America, Glenn Beck would go insane — more insane." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image"

10. Change 'BP' from 'British Petroleum' to 'Bunnies and Puppies'
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on 'Oprah'
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
4. What's wrong with our image?
3. Switch from 'Drill Baby Drill' to 'Help Daddy Help'
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher's New Rules: 'I Want My Country Forward'
Bill Maher: Renouncing Evolution

Saturday, June 05, 2010

#1564

Saturday, June 06, 2010

#1565

Late Night From 05/21

"How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school." –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul

"He's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the s**t doesn't fall far from the bat." –Bill Maher, on Rand Paul, son of Rep. Ron Paul

"Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context." –Bill Maher

"I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery." –Bill Maher

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated." –Jay Leno

"A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'" –Jay Leno

"Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment." –David Letterman

"President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher on Rand Paul: It's As If Sarah Palin Made It Through Med School
Bill Maher's New Rules: American Conservative Nutcakes
Bill Maher on the Stupidest State: Texas vs. Alabama

Sunday, June 07, 2010

#1566

Late Night From 05/24

"Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it." –Jay Leno

"And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign." –Jay Leno

"And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?" –Jay Leno

"Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona's new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed." –Jay Leno

"At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'" –Jay Leno

"Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

"And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs." –Jay Leno

"You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away." –David Letterman

"This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob." –David Letterman

"John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War." –David Letterman

"It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, June 08, 2010

#1567

Late Night From 05/25

"Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster." –Jay Leno

"One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason. She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?" –Jay Leno

"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'" –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them." –Jay Leno|

"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did." –David Letterman

Tueday, June 09, 2010

#1568

Late Night From 05/26

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"And now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie." –Jay Leno

"According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already." –Jay Leno

"Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours." –David Letterman

"Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's." –David Letterman

Wed., June 10, 2010

#1569

Late Night From 05/27

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno

"British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge." –Jay Leno

"Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that." –Jay Leno

"And a new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they're John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, June 11, 2010

#1570

Late Night From 05/31

"The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"As you know, we're right in the middle of a process called 'top kill.' Doesn't it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s?" –Jay Leno

"BP says if 'top kill' fails, they'll try something called the 'junk shot.' Hey, worked last night for the Lakers." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day." –Jimmy Fallon

"An American adventurer strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterwards, people in Mexico asked 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama 'plug the damn hole.' You first, Sarah." –Bill Maher

Friday, June 12, 2010

#1571

vacation

Saturday, June 13, 2010

#1572

vacation

Sunday, June 14, 2010

#1573

vacation

Monday, June 15, 2010

#1574

vacation

Tueday, June 16, 2010

#1575

Late Night From 06/04

"After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints." –Bill Maher

"They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree, he'd linger." –Bill Maher, on Al Gore

"Rush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend for the fourth time … It's a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin." –Bill Maher

"A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what's going on with the President, he sang, 'Fixing a Hole,' 'Octopus' Garden, ''Yellow Submarine.'" –Bill Maher

"They came out with this jobs report. This is terrible, all the new jobs it turns out are Census jobs, temporary Census jobs. The bright side: Those skill you learn as a Census taker going door to door, could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah's Witness." –Bill Maher

"The alarming thing is that the numbers say that a lot of people have just given up looking for work entirely. And Obama tried to lift people's spirits today. He said, 'It could be worse, you could be a pelican.'" –Bill Maher

"People want (Obama) to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King, last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'" –Bill Maher

"BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Al and Tipper Gore can't split up the same week as Heidi breaks up with Spencer. Unless they swap. Al and Heidi would be perfect together. He won the popular vote but lost the election, and she can't count. He wants to change the world and she can't move her face." –Bill Maher

"President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher: Global Warming Deniers Are Potato Heads
Bill Maher: Stupidest State: Arizona vs. Kansas

Wed., June 17, 2010

#1576

Late Night From 06/07
Part 1

"Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson

"With e-mails and texting and Twitter, we don't use paper anymore. We're become a paperless society, except perhaps in Arizona." –Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great." –Jimmy Fallon

"B.P.'s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, 'I mean, it's not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though he's not stepping down, Tony Hayward is handing over responsibility to the cleanup to an American named Bob Dudley. There's a name that gives me confidence. It sounds like a sitcom character who's always messing everything up." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh's invitation. So, mostly, he's going over there to visit our jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg." –Jimmy Fallon

"Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should get quote, 'get the hell out of Palestine.' Thomas hasn't been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a band-aid on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"

10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Takes on Helen Thomas and Thanks South Carolina

Thursday, June 18, 2010

#1577

Late Night From 06/07
Part 2

"Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it's the White House responding to the oil spill." –Jay Leno

"How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?" –Jay Leno

"According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they're capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day." –Jay Leno

"BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end." –Jay Leno

"BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon." –Jay Leno

"ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring." –Jay Leno

"Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?" –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

"White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to where they came from. The problem is that's where they came from." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that language programs in U.S. schools are lagging behind. Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in LA, the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now." –Jay Leno

"They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at JFK. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to JFK, and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there." –David Letterman

"To give you an idea now the level, the quality of training that the terrorists are getting: These two guys trained every weekend to become terrorists by playing paint ball. If they got really good at paint ball, Al Qaeda would let them plant a bomb in a go-kart." –David Letterman

"Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling." –David Letterman

"James Cameron has volunteered to go down to the Gulf of Mexico and consult. I love it when a guy who's an expert in fake disasters gets involved. And if that doesn't work, they're going to contact Superman and he's going to weld the pipe with his X-ray vision." –David Letterman

"The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami." –David Letterman

Friday, June 19, 2010

#1578

Late Night From 06/08

"Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it's kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman." –Jay Leno

"There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee." –Jay Leno

"It's amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job." –Jay Leno

"In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would've fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP." –Jay Leno

"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled." –Jay Leno

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." –Jay Leno

"The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn't that amazing. It proves that there's absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can't bridge." –David Letterman

"In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?" –David Letterman

"A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He's pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith." –Craig Ferguson

"Tonight, the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah. They played all the classic picnic games — Wiffle ball, capture the flag and their favorite game, ignore the oil spill." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obamas' picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S., the Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries and the southern gulf coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Mocks Birthers With Obama Rap Video Controversy
Colbert: BP CEO Tony Hayward Is an Evil Box of Priggish Entitled Baking Soda
The Daily Show: Barack Obama Embarks on AssQuest 2010

Saturday, June 20, 2010

#1579

Late Night From 06/09

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

"Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too." –Jay Leno

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He's 76 years old. You'd think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

"At one time, Barack Obama lived in New York City. Obama hasn't lived in this apartment here in New York City since 1981, but oddly enough, it's still where he picks up his Pottery Barn catalogs." –David Letterman

"You remember the guy who tried to blow up his car in Times Square? Now, they arrested a couple of guys in New Jersey who were also going to be terrorists, and they trained to become terrorists. Every week, they would play paintball. Next step, honestly, was laser tag." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips Media for Primary Coverage
Jon Stewart Mocks Battle Over Thomas' Press Room Seat
Colbert Doles Out Advice For Helen Thomas

Sunday, June 21, 2010

#1580

Late Night From 06/10

"You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone's blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn't invent the Internet." –Jimmy Fallon

"This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with five billion unsold Zunes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next. And then he said, 'And you can take that to one of the remaining banks.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"BP, which of course stands for 'Born Polluted,' is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn't spilled it." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

"Voter turnout here in California, all-time historic low. In fact, the polling places near my house had so few people they actually turned it into a Blockbuster video store." –Jay Leno

"Today, the White House announced they have come up with a cheap, effective solution for illegal immigration. They're going to have Helen Thomas on the border, yelling, 'Go back to Mexico! Go back to where you came from! Get out!'" –Jay Leno

"Seems Hall and Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest the state's new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh? Let's see how long they can go without Hall and Oates!" –Jay Leno

"Now, apparently, Hall and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where they came from — the '70s." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, British Petroleum stock dropped $17 billion in value. And the executives at British Petroleum say they have no idea what happened. I kind of have an idea. I kind of think maybe I got a hunch." –David Letterman

"But here's the good news. Actor Kevin Costner was testifying before Congress earlier today. And he has come up with a way to separate oil from seawater. And so he was telling the congressmen all about it. And previously, Kevin Costner developed a process to separate moviegoers from their money." –David Letterman

"But British Petroleum, they're getting desperate, so here is what they are going to do to improve their public image: With every 100,000 gallons of oil that leaks, you get a free NFL team glass." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart On Latest BP Developments: "We're So F--ked"
Colbert: Behold the Seeds of the Coming British-American War

Monday, June 22, 2010

#1581

Late Night From 06/11
Part 1

"A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it." –Jay Leno

"Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden's looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, 'foosball re-enactments.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Brazilian referees for tomorrow's U.S.-England game have been studying English swear words to make sure the players don't curse. Because if there's one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can't stand, it's naughty language." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. will face England in the World Cup, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. If England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward next week. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for the world, as the World Cup begins. On behalf of all Americans, I'd like to say, 'Eh.'" –Craig Ferguson

"In the U.S., soccer's popularity ranges somewhere between Jon Gosselin and people that give out raisins on Halloween." –Craig Ferguson

"The reason Americans don't get into soccer is because the scores are too low. They should make each goal worth two points, and then maybe let the players use their hands, and then maybe add some hoop

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher's New Rules: F**K Your Oil Job
Bill Maher: Arizona Wins Stupidest State Contest

Tueday, June 23, 2010

#1582

Late Night From 06/11
Part 2

"There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information." –Bill Maher

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

"The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore." –Bill Maher

"Certainly there's no good news for Gulf business owners. They've been trying to get BP to process their claims. BP today said that they're on the way. These are the two big lies in life, remember? The check is in the mail, and I won't spurt in your gulf." –Bill Maher

"They got Helen Thomas on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their 'Women We Love' issue." –Bill Maher

"This week we had primaries and they say this is 'The Year of the Woman.' The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was 'The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.'" –Bill Maher

"Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want." –Bill Maher

"John McCain is in love with Snooki – Snooki, you know, from Jersey Shore. Snooki was complaining in her Tweets that she does not like being taxed, as the Obama health care plan does, on her tanning bed. And McCain Tweeted back, 'I would never tax your tanning bed.' I think this is so sweet. She has a new best friend, he has his next vice president." –Bill Maher

"The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf." –Jay Leno

"BP's stock has dropped 51 percent since the oil spill. Now that they're leaking money like they're leaking oil, maybe they'll get up and do something about it." –Jay Leno

"A review of BP's 582-page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. BP listed their lead drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills." –Jay Leno

Wed., June 24, 2010

#1583

vacation

Thursday, June 25, 2010

#1584

vacation

Friday, June 26, 2010

#1585

vacation

Saturday, June 27, 2010

#1586

vacation

Sunday, June 28, 2010

#1587

Late Night From 06/14

"Hey, have you been following what's been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me." –Jay Leno

"The FAA now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess that they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too." –Jay Leno

"The White House said today that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they'd get it 'done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, on Saturday, President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with the British prime minister, David Cameron, about the BP oil spill. The conversation was supposed to stay private, but given that it's BP, you can probably expect a few leaks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal." –David Letterman

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, 'Well see, it hasn't affected tourism.'" –David Letterman

"The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I'll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on the Alvin Greene Debacle
Stephen Colbert: America's Strained Relationship With England

Monday, June 29, 2010

#1588

Late Night From 06/15
Part 1

"Oh, and the heads of the five families — we call them 'oil companies' — testified before Congress today. It was billed as 'the tarballs versus the slimeballs.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can." –Jay Leno

"You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago." –Jay Leno

"Hey, here's an amazing story. A 52-year-old construction worker — a guy from right here in California — was arrested in Pakistan today, armed with a pistol and a 40-inch sword. He said he was on a mission to capture Osama bin Laden. Hey, at least somebody's looking for the guy. Give him credit." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again." –Jay Leno

"And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?" –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Knocks Obama For Failed Campaign Promises, Bush-Like Policies
Stephen Colbert Microwaves Underwear in Stand Against Women

Tueday, June 30, 2010

#1589

Late Night From 06/15
Part 2

"President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball." –David Letterman

"I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina." –Craig Ferguson

"This spill makes the Exxon Valdez look like a leaky juice box." –Craig Ferguson

"You know it's a real catastrophe when our biggest hope is Kevin Costner. I'm not kidding. Costner spent millions of his own money to develop a water-cleaning system that soaks up oil-tainted water and spins it around and pumps out pure water at the other end. Director James Cameron is also helping out. He offered up his fleet of private submarines. If he's serious about cleaning up the spill, why doesn't he soak it up with his 'Avatar' money?" –Craig Ferguson

"While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, 'Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, 'If you build it and there's a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" –Jay Leno

Wed., June 31, 2010

#1590

Late Night From 06/16
Part 1

"That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the gulf, causing a fire. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for BP was like, 'So that's how things could possibly get any worse.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys, 'Top Chef D.C.' premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it's in D.C., the contestants don't actually cook; they just talk about what they're going to cook in the future." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, President Obama delivered a prime time address on the oil spill. He said his administration 'has been on top of the situation since Day 51.' I mean, 'Day 1 .' I'm sorry." –Jay Leno

"President Obama also declared that seafood in the gulf was safe to eat, although he said if you 'really want to be safe, eat at Long John Silver's.' Luckily, batter has not been affected by the spill." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012." –Jay Leno

"Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil." –Jay Leno

"China has bought more U.S. debt. They know hold over $900 billion of U.S. debt. A lot of Americans concerned about this because it's so much. Why are you concerned? It is not like we're going to pay them back." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Meeting with Tony Hayward"

10."So, what's new?"
9."Careful, you're getting oil all over the Oval Office"
8."Before I start kicking asses, would any of you like some sparkling water?"
7."Speaking of leaks, where's the men's room?"
6."Thanks for giving my administration something to worry about besides two wars, a crushing debt, global warming and the worst economy in 70 years"
5."$20 Billion? Hell, I got that on me!"
4."Tony, I forgave you the second I heard that dreamy British accent"
3."Gotta keep this short, I'm meeting with the president of Indonesia about that smoking baby" (Videotape of Smoking Baby)
2."Biden, please, enough with the vuvuzela"
1."How can we blame this on Bush and Cheney?"

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on America's Oil Dependence
Colbert to NY Times: 'Go Tweet Yourself'

Thursday, July 01, 2010

#1591

Late Night From 06/16
Part 2

"Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I'm glad that problem's behind us." –David Letterman

"President Obama made a lot of promises that he can't possibly keep. I mean, it's like he's campaigning again, really." –David Letterman

"He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He's started drinking. That's the only possible explanation." –David Letterman

"And then, right after the president's speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy." –David Letterman

"And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." –David Letterman

"Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. I agree. But let's not forget about lunar power. Remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves." –Craig Ferguson

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" –Craig Ferguson

"By this point, it's not even an 'oil spill' anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a 'spill' is like calling World War II a 'tiff.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson

"I wonder how Obama began that meeting. 'Thanks for wrecking my presidency, Tony. Want a water or something?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

"Now, listen. I'm not naïve about large faceless corporations who destroy everything that's beautiful. I work here at CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, July 02, 2010

#1592

Late Night From 06/17

"Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, 'We get it. We've all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen President Obama lately? People are saying he's dying his hair. Right there, that's a good use for the oil." –David Letterman

"There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the big story, President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon." –Jay Leno

"These British Petroleum guys can't do anything right. The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don't care, but 'not BP. We care about the small people.' That's what he called the residents of the Gulf — 'the small people.' But to be fair, English is not the guy's first language. Money is." –Jay Leno

"See, the problem is I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don't care about the big leak." –Jay Leno

"Tony Hayward. You read about this guy? He's a little weasel guy. Well, he was testifying before — why do they even call it testifying? Testi-lying, that's what it was." –Jay Leno

"Well, the sad part is, environmentalists say if this leak continues unabated, some species might become endangered, like Democrats." –Jay Leno

"And now the other oil companies are turning on BP While testifying in Washington this week, Exxon executives blamed the Gulf oil spill on lapses by BP See, that's when you know things are bad, when Exxon is lecturing you on oil safety, huh? That's like Heidi Montag saying, 'Just be yourself.'" –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Calls Joe Barton A 'Disdainful A**hole'
Colbert Report: Obama's Simplified BP Speech

Saturday, July 03, 2010

#1593

Late Night From 06/18

"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing." –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?" –David Letterman

"A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can't find anything else at Home Depot." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin called marijuana a 'minimal problem' in America. She admitted that she herself has tried pot, which could explain some of the things she has said over the years. It's all baked Alaska talk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn't happening. You know, kind of like BP does." –Jimmy Fallon

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

"NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it." –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, July 04, 2010

#1594

Happy Birthday, America

Monday, July 05, 2010

#1595

Tueday, July 06, 2010

#1596

Wed., July 07, 2010

#1597

Thursday, July 08, 2010

#1598

Friday, July 09, 2010

#1599

Saturday, July 10, 2010

#1600

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