Jokes of the day

1401 - 1500

Thursday, Dec 24, 2009

#1401

Late Night From 12/10

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar." –Craig Ferguson

"There was a lot of controversy for President Obama in Norway, because apparently, he snubbed the Norwegian royal family. He snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. And I'm like, well don't be silly, Norwegian royal family. Even if the president doesn't invite you, just show up and crash the party. That's how we do it in America.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The peace prize was handed out in Oslo, Norway, but Oslo's been in news this week because of that big swirly thing in the sky over Oslo. Wait! Wait! Strange starlike object over Oslo, right before Obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men. Nah. No. Even MSNBC are going, 'Nah, you took it too far.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, some people say that the light was a UFO coming to welcome Obama, which is of course ridiculous. Because if it was really a UFO, they would take Joe Biden back to his home planet. 'Come on, Joe, you've bothered these people long enough. Let's go and embarrass the people of Pluto."' –Craig Ferguson

"It sure is cold. So cold that Osama bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. During his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech in Norway, Obama stated, 'Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.' Obama got those words from his new speechwriter, Ken Hallmark." –Jimmy Fallon

"The chairman of the Nobel committee remarked that Obama's leadership is a 'call to action,' not to be confused with Bill Clinton's leadership, which was a call to get action." –Jimmy Fallon

"The elementary school in Indonesia where President Obama went as a child, they just unveiled a statue of him as a 10-year-old. It's very realistic. In fact, today Biden spent, like, 20 minutes talking to it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The sculptor said that he worked on it for, like, two months, but after he finished the ears, the rest took, like, five minutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secretary Timothy Geithner confirmed today we are expected to lose $30 billion from our investment in the auto industry, to which Bernie Madoff goes, 'Hey, I could have done better than that.'" –Jay Leno

"You know, a lot of people don't understand why President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, you know something? Look around you. Our factories, peaceful. I went to the mall this week, peaceful. They had an open house near my house, not one person came in. It's a peaceful economy here." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to Time magazine, even though college degrees costs more today, they're worth less in the job market, which is hard to believe, isn't it? There's a job market?" –Jay Leno

"Senate Democrats proposed a $1.1 trillion spending bill that will provide funding for government agencies, foreign aid, and local construction projects. And also, since it's so close to Christmas, a pony!" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, Dec 25, 2009

#1402

Late Night From 12/11

"Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah Party at the White House. And according to the New York Times, a lot of people are upset, because it's a little smaller this year, and they weren't invited. They weren't invited. Hey, it's the White House. You just sneak in, okay?" –Jay Leno

"During a speech on the economy, President Obama said this week, 'We have to continue to spend our way out of the recession.' To which Nicholas Cage said, 'That's what I've been trying to do!'" –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

"The president got the Peace Prize yesterday. That was a big event yesterday in Norway. Yeah, yesterday in Norway, President Obama gave a speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, and Will Smith was in the crowd. Did you know that? Will Smith was sitting in the crowd. Amazing. Yeah, the place was packed with Norwegians and yet somehow Obama was able to spot Will Smith." –Conan O'Brien

"The environmental summit has gone on in Copenhagen, the big UN Summit on climate change. Thank god this has taken place because I want to tell you, when the UN tackles a problem, it's gone. Adios, it's gone." –David Lettemran

"A lot of heads of state at the Copenhagen summit, and a lot of scientists, and scientists are guys that don't get out a lot. They're always staring into beakers. So when they're around other scientists, it's kind of a party, you know what I'm saying? Kind of a party. So the hottest pickup line at the Copenhagen Climate Summit is, 'Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?'" –David Lettemran

"Wait till you hear this. A new poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush back as the president. The scary pPart is that one of those people was President Obama. He's like, 'Please, be my guest.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions." –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

"A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air" –Seth Meyers

Saturday, Dec 26, 2009

#1403

Late Night From 12/14-1

"Hit him in the face with a statuette and then he backed over a fire hydrant. Yup. And then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor." –David Letterman

"You know what is great about this country? This time of year especially, you get people like Oprah, who is powerful and an icon and an American treasure and transcends television. She's a humanitarian. And last night, she had a big Christmas special that she videotaped at the White House. And it was just tremendous. But now, she interviewed the president and already, trouble. Trouble already. I mean, the Republicans are now complaining that President Obama bowed too low to Oprah. It's just awful." –David Letterman

Sunday, Dec 27, 2009

#1404

Late Night From 12/14-2

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"How about this guy, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? He is in Milan over the weekend. He's signing autographs and somebody throws a statuette at the guy and literally breaks his face wide open. Threw a statue at the guy. And I think this hasn't happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

Monday, Dec 28, 2009

#1405

Late Night From 12/14-3

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" –Jay Leno

"Well, in fact — if you saw it on '60 Minutes' last night — President Obama said never again will an unexpected guest sneak into the White House, so more bad news for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Dec 29, 2009

#1406

Late Night From 12/14-4

"During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a 'B-plus.' Then, Oprah shook her head and said, 'I didn't pay for a B-plus.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers. And you know, these Wall Street bankers, they just don't get it, you know? Like, they walked into the White House and said to Obama: 'You live in this dump? What is this, the guest house? Please!'" –Jay Leno

Wed., Dec 30, 2009

#1407

Late Night From 12/14-5

"This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. 'President meeting? That's in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it's not my department. I don't know.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Dec 31, 2009

#1408

Late Night From 12/14-6

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, Santa's got a good way of sneaking into the White House. He's just going to go with the two party crashers. 'Ho, ho, ho! I'm on the list.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Jan 01, 2010

#1409

Late Night From 12/15

"Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it's being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah visited the Obamas at the White House on Sunday night for her 'Christmas at the White House' special. She's actually thinking of buying the White House, and so she was scouting it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, one White House official said that the recession was over. And then, another White House official said, no, it's definitely not over. You wonder how those party crashers got in, huh?" –David Letterman

"But the White House announced that Guantanamo Bay's detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. There's like 500 terrorists and suspected terrorists and alleged terrorists down there in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. And they'll be moved now to a prison in Illinois. And I was thinking, well, this really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics." –David Letterman

"You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn't believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn't read all the newspapers." –David Letterman

"The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." –Jay Leno

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"History was made this week. This weekend Houston became the city to ever elect an openly lesbian mayor. That's not the part that made history. The part that made history, finally a woman in the news not accused of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, Barack Obama hosted the first of two White House holiday parties for the press. It was a good time until Helen Thomas started hogging the karaoke machine. It was terrible. The only song she knew was 'Single Ladies.' It was really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration's first Hanukkah Party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish." –Jimmy Fallon

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Clearly, Lieberman has gone from having Joe-mentum to having Joe-mentia." –Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Jan 02, 2010

#1410

Late Night From 12/16-1

"This morning, 'Time' magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year. I'm not sure he deserves it. I think 'Time' just knows what everybody in the magazine business knows - you put Bernanke on the cover and you're going to sell some copies." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong- Il, in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, 'Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'" –Conan O'Brien

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Well, earlier this week at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers face-to-face. The meeting went well, although the bankers did charge President Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front. See, it costs more if you see them in person." –Jay Leno

"And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it's paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they've paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You'll never see it again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever." –Jay Leno

"This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there." –Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work." –Jay Leno

"President Obama — this is an odd bit of news — he is going to appear on a WWE wrestling special. Clearly, he wants another one of them peace prizes." –Craig Ferguson

"But Obama's taking this appearance seriously. He's been practicing by repeatedly hitting Joe Biden over the head with a folding chair." –Craig Ferguson

"This, by the way, is the first time a president has participated in a wrestling event, if you don't count Bill Clinton's mud wrestling fiasco towards the end of his …" –Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Jan 03, 2010

#1411

Late Night From 12/16-2

"Did you hear about what happened a couple of months ago at the White House? There were some tourists taking the tour of the White House. And the next thing you know, they're invited to have breakfast with the president. So they went in and had breakfast with the president. And it turns out it was a huge mistake. They crashed breakfast with the president. And everybody was very upset, because they were supposed to crash a cabinet meeting." –David Letterman

"But the Secret Service said that the couple had been properly screened. Well, that's great. Who's screening the Secret Service? That's what I want to know!" –David Letterman

"But you know in the old days, when President Bush was down there in the White House, we didn't have security breaches. And I'll tell you why. We had 'Shotgun' Dick Cheney running things." –David Letterman

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that's what happened." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah Party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah Party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He's not here, all right?" –David Letterman

"Wow, yeah. That was a big surprise. They selected Ben Bernanke as the — all right! Please! Once more and you're out of here, O.K.?" –David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You guys, listen to this. It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let another random couple into a private reception with Obama, which means at this point the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club." –Jimmy Fallon

"And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Jan 04, 2010

#1412

Late Night From 12/17

"Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama's approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House." –Jay Leno

"Remember the phrase, 'hope and change'? They amended it today. Now it's 'don't give up hope, nothing is going to change.'" –Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"The Obama Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Momo Ricardo. The Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area." –Jay Leno

"And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator — Joe Lieberman of Connecticut — was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that health care bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it's called majority rules. They're thinking of trying it to see how it works." –Jay Leno

"Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can't even find Tiger Woods in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote." –David Letterman

"But they don't think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I'm going too. Here's the idea. It's got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, 'Here's the deal. You send us a windmill and we'll send you Joe Lieberman.'" –David Letterman

"Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." –David Letterman

"It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year's resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? 'Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.' 'I can't do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Jan 05, 2010

#1413

Late Night From 12/18

"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." –Seth Meyers

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it's called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill." –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck is on the show tonight. I can't believe he took the time out from the U.N. climate conference to be here." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there." –Conan O'Brien

"Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods' wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she's single she'll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Conan O'Brien

"In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he'd taught to fire a gun." –Conan O'Brien

"Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe." –David Letterman

"Barack Obama's approval rating is down to 44 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that. The poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don't even want to be seen with him." –David Letterman

"I read that Washington, D.C. is gonna get a ton of snow this weekend. If it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done — you know, sort of like when it's not snowing." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's freezing in D.C. In fact, today, Sasha and Malia had to help Biden get his tongue unstuck from the flag pole. They were like, 'We shouldn't have dared him to do that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News yesterday, White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn't 'given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen.' Wow, in one year we've gone from 'Yes we can!' to 'We haven't totally given up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren't backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, 'Don't think we're not keeping score, brother.' Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Jan 06, 2010

#1414

Late Night From 12/21

"That's pretty amazing, isn't that snowstorm? I mean, President Obama spends one day in Copenhagen, global warming is solved. It is over." –Jay Leno

"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno

"Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." –Jay Leno

"Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!" –Jay Leno

"Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we're willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that's great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that's terrific." –Jay Leno

"This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that's when John McCain gets up to pee." –Conan O'Brien

"The Senate's health care bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Because, really, what's more American than waiting until Christmas Eve to finally wrap something up?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we're sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That's like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Jan 07, 2010

#1415

Late Night From 12/22

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there's a lesson here: In America it's better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he's completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, 'I'm halfway done.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney has been named 'Conservative of the Year' by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time 'Dick Cheney' and 'human' have been used in the same sentence. Dick Cheney was also named 'gas-bag of the year' by Gas-Bag magazine." –David Letterman

"Everyone is talking about healthcare. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange Christmas presents. That's nice. My wife and I made the same decision a few years ago and let me tell you, it's a trap, Obama! Don't fall for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama brought cookies to kids at a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, and he said to the kids, 'Here's the question: have you guys been good?' Then the kids were like, 'Here's another question: Did you get us the Olympics? How about a public option? Did you fix the economy? No? Then why don't you just hand over the cookies, Barry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The healthcare bill won't have a public option. But Obama was like, 'The public option is not the most important aspect' of the healthcare bill because 'only a few million people' would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like 'Ummm . . . we can hear you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Jan 08, 2010

#1416

Time off for the holidays

Saturday, Jan 09, 2010

#1417

Time off for the holidays

Sunday, Jan 10, 2010

#1418

Time off for the holidays

Monday, Jan 11, 2010

#1419

Late Night From 12/23

"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'" ?" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957." ?" –Conan O'Brien

"Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It's like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged." –David Letterman

"Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot." –David Letterman

"Well, it's been a long time coming . . . But tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. is the Senate's big healthcare vote. Which means starting at 5 a.m., me and my buddies will be tailgating in the Senate parking lot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Jan 12, 2010

#1420

Late Night From 01/04
Part 1

"Oh, how about this? Rush Limbaugh, there's a big boy. He was also in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, oh he is just trying to get some of those painkillers. That's what he is doing." –David Letterman

"But here's how it works. Here's the official line of succession in control of the Republican Party. If Rush Limbaugh is disabled in any way, then control of the party is passed to Glenn Beck. That's the line of succession." –David Letterman

"President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of 'Avatar.' There was an awkward moment when one of Obama's daughters leaned over to him and whispered, 'Now, that's how you spend half a billion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Has everybody here seen 'Avatar?' Great movie, wasn't it? Even President Obama took his family to see it at a private screening in Hawaii. After the movie, Obama was like, 'So that's what it's like when something lives up to its hype.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? Rush Limbaugh was released from a hospital in Hawaii two days after suffering from chest pains. He's fine. Doctors say they don't know what caused it, but it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everyone's back from vacation today. In Washington, President Obama returned to the Oval Office after spending the holidays in Hawaii. And Joe Biden returned after spending the holidays on his home planet.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Did you go and see the 'Avatar' movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They'd like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D." –Craig Ferguson

Wed., Jan 13, 2010

#1421

Late Night From 01/04
Part 2

"Even if the bomb works, there's going to be 72 very disappointed virgins." –Jon Stewart on the Underwear Bomber

"Good to see everybody. You know, it is good to be back. We were off for Christmas, and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security." –Jay Leno

"I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system." –Jay Leno

"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno

"After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. See, that's how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you're a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, 'My kid is an idiot,' ooh, you can go anywhere you want." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." –Jay Leno

"Actually, no one knows what causedRush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno

"Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"How about this 23-year-old kid from Nigeria? Goes to Yemen and he's flying to Detroit, and he wants to blow the plane up. He sets his underpants on fire. And thank God the passengers on the plane subdue the guy. They secure him, they tie him up and they move him to first class. Are we sending the right message there, really?" –David Letterman

"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman

"Here's good news. Isn't it about time we had a little good news? Our good friend Regis Philbin had hip replacement surgery. He's back on the job. That means only ten million unemployed people to go." –David Letterman

Thursday, Jan 14, 2010

#1422

Late Night From 01/05
Part 1

"A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think." –Conan O'Brien

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama spent the day talking to officials about airline security. One of the things they are doing is adding dozens of names to the no-fly list. Uh, hello, have you tried flying out of Newark? We're all on the no-fly list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you guys hear about this? The Secret Service just discovered that a third uninvited guest got into Obama's state dinner back in November, although Joe Biden insists he was actually invited." –Jimmy Fallon

"I was reading today that President Obama has started updating the Oval Office to reflect his personality, which basically just means he took down President Bush's autographed cast photo from the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow at the White House, President Obama is going to recognize a group of teachers for their award-winning work in teaching math and science. Obama said he's looking forward to it, because he always likes meeting people from China." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of states are faced subzero temperatures this week. Everyone's taking precautions. In fact, airports are on the lookout for thermal underwear bombers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about the guy that blew up his underpants? People are mad about that. I think it's funny. I don't know. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. You would never guess he'd be mixed up in something like this. Not Abdulmutallab." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fortunately his bomb didn't work how he wanted. He was tackled by a Dutch filmmaker, which, that had to be embarrassing. Tackled by a Dutch filmmaker." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And conservatives have been criticizing President Obama. I guess they figure with ears like that he should have overheard something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, after the shoe bomber, they made us take off our shoes. Now, this underwear thing, could be a real problem. I wonder if mothers of terrorists tell their kids to wear clean underwear in case something great happens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Jan 15, 2010

#1423

Late Night From 01/05
Part 2

"The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change." –Jay Leno

"Well, the good news — you know the Nigerian underwear bomber? He is now in custody. Remember the good old days when the only threat from Nigeria was spam email? From the prince. He had a thousand dollars. What happened?" –Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of people complaining that traveling here in the United States is a pain; we shouldn't have to go through a pat-down search. You think you should? Yeah, I mean, hey, when you go to a football stadium, they pat you down, right, huh? I mean, shouldn't the country be as least as hard to get into as a Cleveland Browns game? Don't you think?" –Jay Leno

"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno

"The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald's announcing they're bringing back the McRib sandwich." –Jay Leno

"You know, the McRib is coming back. That's why Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital. I knew there was something going on!" –Jay Leno

"Anyway, the doctor who examined Rush Limbaugh says that he's fine, back to normal. That's good to know. You know, they asked about every possible problem they could think of, and when Rush blamed every one of them on Barack Obama, they knew, 'Oh, he's just fine, back to normal.'" –Jay Leno

"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." –Jay Leno

"Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now." –David Letterman

"Remember they had the big state dinner for the Prime Minister of India and a couple of people who weren't invited show up, the Salahis? And now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the state dinner. I mean, it's a little crazy. I mean, before that, the only person I knew who showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush." –David Letterman

"But I think the thing that's still bothering people — there's a flight, it originates overseas, they make a stop in Amsterdam and then they come to Detroit and there's a guy on the plane over Detroit and he's wearing exploding underpants and he tries to blow up the plane. Exploding underpants. That's what it's come to, ladies and gentlemen. Exploding underpants. Do you remember the old Road Runner cartoons? Isn't that something you could get from Acme? Couldn't you get the big crate and there'd be the exploding underpants?" –David Letterman

Saturday, Jan 16, 2010

#1424

Late Night From 01/06

"Well, the story about the 23-year-old Nigerian man, who put the explosives in his underpants still continues to dominate the news. Boy that shows you how time can change, you know? When I was 23, the only thing I ever put in my underpants was a rolled up sock." –Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Joan Rivers was detained by airport security in Costa Rica because her married name was Joan Rosenberg, on her passport, and they wouldn't let her leave. See, they're very vigilant down there in Costa Rica, you know? Maybe we can try that here in this country sometime." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." –Jay Leno

"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." –Jay Leno

"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and Mitt Romney was on 'Fox and Friends.' He talked about his plan to run for president in 2012. It could be Mitt Romney versus Sarah Palin, which would be quite a matchup. I mean, one is a former governor obsessed with looks and hair. And the other, of course, is from Alaska." –Jay Leno

"The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common." –Jay Leno

"An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'" –Jay Leno

"Joan Rivers was reportedly very angry on Sunday because she was detained at an airport by airline security. She was detained at the airport because her passport photo was taken ten faces ago." –Craig Ferguson

"Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The child's name is Austin Robinson. Next week, he'll go before the Senate, and if they confirm him, he becomes the official nephew of President Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They have an interesting tradition in the Obama family. Every new baby born into the Obama family is baptized by Oprah in a 24-karat gold tub full of angel tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The religious right is upset over transgender Cabinet appointee Amanda Simpson, saying Obama picked her as part of the 'transsexual agenda.' so, I'm pretty sure 'get appointed to the Cabinet' is the second goal on the transsexual agenda, right after 'swap out genitalia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." –David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport
10. To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks.
9. Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them.
8. For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.
7. Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."
6. All flights depart at the same time.
5. Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes
4. Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.
3. Them: "Where are you traveling?" You: "San Francisco." Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."
2. I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much.
1. At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants

Sunday, Jan 17, 2010

#1425

Late Night From 01/07
Part 1

"The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package." –Jimmy Fallon

"There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man's insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve ... lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it's six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess 'OMB' stands for the 'Office of Managing the Boo-tay.' Heeey!" –Jon Stewart

"I guess the CBO is the 'Congressional Badonkadonk Office.' ... Ladies, put your husbands to bed and hide your ovaries [on screen: footage of Orszag on talk shows]. Maybe you couldn't feel it through the TV screen, but I am telling you! I interviewed this guy. He's got the kavorka." –Jon Stewart

"Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being 'wantonly and freakishly imposed.' Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?" –Stephen Colbert, on reports the death penalty is "fading from use"

Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television
(as presented by Homer Simpson on the Late Show With David Letterman)
10. Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman.
9. Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network.
8. Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents.
7. Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head.
6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats.
5. Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon.
4. No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel.
3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap."
2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?
1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool

Monday, Jan 18, 2010

#1426

Late Night From 01/07
Part 2

"There's a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody's said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year." –Jay Leno

"Actually, I don't think there's any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you're in first place. So we're fine." –Jay Leno

"How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic." –David Letterman

"Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman

"They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the job, 'Well, I get no complaints from the laides.'" –David Letterman

"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman

"Legal experts are saying, if he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber." –Conan O'Brien

"Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'the new owner is coming for a visit." –Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Jan 19, 2010

#1427

Late Night From 01/08

"The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! 'I didn't know there was a bomb in my underpants.' 'I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'" -Jay Leno

"His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that's because his ass was on fire." -Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. 'The White House has a budget director?'" -Jay Leno

"The New Jersey Senate rejected a gay marriage bill. Now, why? Last time a gay man got married in New Jersey, he went on to become governor of the state, didn't he, as I remember?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I'm proud that my name is also on that list. It's a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top" --David Letterman

"While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, 'There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.' Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw 'Sherlock Holmes' over the holiday." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also said, 'We are at war against al-Qaida, and we will do whatever it takes to defeat them.' Then Obama was like, 'Literally whatever it takes -- speeches, talks, speech talks, talks about speeches, speaking about the talk I just spoke about.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In Obama’s defense, he is taking responsibility for the security lapse on Christmas. Obama said, 'Ultimately the buck stops with me.' Then he was like, 'Unless it’s a billion bucks, in which case it just goes to AIG.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission." --Jimmy Fallon

"I can see that you're very enthusiastic, and would like to welcome you all to the 'Tonight Show.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, strange things are going on over at NBC. Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are apparently moving in together is what I hear. Got an apartment." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what's going on. If you've been following this, you know NBC made the decision they were making too much money, so they threw all their shoes into a bag, like Scrabble tiles, shook them around and dumped them out." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Jan 20, 2010

#1428

Late Night From 01/09

"President Obama on Tuesday met with the heads of all 16 intelligence agencies try to correct the intelligence failures surrounding the Christmas day bombing attempt. Unfortunately, two of the agencies were late and the CIA locked their keys in the car." -Seth Meyers

"On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited hisunderpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia." -Seth Meyers

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

"It was reported Thursday that in the wake of poor ratings for the 'Jay Leno Show,' NBC will move his show back to the 11:35 time slot and start Conan O'Brien's 'Tonight Show' at midnight. Thought it's a little weird to start the 'Tonight Show' at a time when it's no longer tonight" --Seth Meyers

Conan O'Brien: "A lot of rumors swirling around about the 'Tonight Show,' the 'Jay Leno Show' and the rest of NBC's late night lineup. And there is a lot of speculation out there. And I just wanted to go over some of the rumors that have been flying around. Just check these out:

"The 'Jay Leno Show' is going to be canceled is one.
Jay is moving to 11:30 and I'm moving to midnight.
Both of our shows will be on at 11:30, running simultaneously in split-screen.
The 'Tonight Show' will be an iPhone app, and the 'Jay Leno Show' will become an Xbox game.
Jay and I are quitting both our shows and co-starring in a new buddy cop drama called 'Coco and the Chin.'
Jay and I will be joining the cast of 'Jersey Shore' as a new character called 'The Awkward Situation.'
I'm pregnant with Jay's baby. Jay is pregnant with my baby.
We're both pregnant with Tiger Woods' babies.
NBC is gonna throw me and Jay in a pit with sharpened sticks.
The one who crawls out alive gets to leave NBC."

"Now, here is some frightening news. ... The worldwide fund for nature came out with its list of the ten species most likely to be extinct in the near future. You know what number one was? ... Us, yes, us." --Jay Leno

"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." -Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, if they did cancel us, it would be an easy move for me because I still haven't unpacked from the last show they canceled." -Jay Leno

"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." -Jay Leno

"In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here's the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner." -Jay Leno

Thursday, Jan 21, 2010

#1429

Late Night From 01/11

"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different." –Jay Leno

"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad." –Jay Leno

"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster." –Jay Leno

"As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They're talking about bringing back 'All in the Family', with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker." –Jay Leno

"Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don't think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, 'I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record.'" –Jay Leno

"And on Friday, the White House announced that President Obama's State of the Union address scheduled for next month will not air on the same night as the premiere of 'Lost' on ABC. Well, they did that because they thought viewers might get confused. See, lost is also the State of the Union: Lost jobs; lost wage; lost houses; lost businesses. So, the two — you can get them mixed up." –Jay Leno

"The White House said they're working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat's milk." –Jay Leno

"One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin afterMcCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they're fair and unbalanced." –Jay Leno

"Cold down in Washington, D.C. It was so cold today that Senator Harry Reid actually enjoyed being in hot water." –David Letterman

"Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, you know what he said? That there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush Administration. Well you know, that would be great if it was true. And apparently, the Mayor misspoke. He forgot about the attack of 9/11. Yeah, forgot about that one. Forgot about the shoe bomber, there was another one. Forgot about Dick Cheney duck hunting." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News. I can see that coming from my house." –David Letterman

"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." –Craig Ferguson

"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine." –Craig Ferguson

"Listen to this. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said 'we are on the verge' of guaranteeing Americans health insurance 'whether they lose their job, change jobs, move or get sick,' which means Jay, Conan and I are going to be just fine. So don't worry." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin just signed on to be a contributor to the Fox News Channel. She chose the job after carefully weighing her other option, just going away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, I was watching '60 Minutes' last night and a former McCain campaign aide said that when Palin found out she would become John McCain's running mate, she said, 'It's God's plan,' to which God responded, 'What? Really? Don't bring me into this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he's a big guy but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That's just rude." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rod Blagojevich says he's blacker than Obama. Oh, snap! Rod Blagojevich is so black, he should be called Tyler Perry Presents Rod Blagojevich. It's a bold claim. What he is using to back it up? [on screen: reports saying Blagojevich saying he shined shoes, lived in a five room apartment, and his father owned a laundromat in a black neighborhood]. I think you are confusing 'black' with 'middle-class white'" –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At NBC

10. Lineup has more holes than the Green Bay Packers defense
9. Winner on 'Deal Or No Deal' gets to run the network for a week
8. NBC peacock crashed his car and beaten with a golf club
7. NBC Christmas Party is a week from Thursday
6. Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than the real ones
5. Replacing 'Biggest Loser' with a show about people whose weight fluctuates but is still within an acceptable range
4. NBC president seen wandering halls shouting, 'Is 'Night Court' still on?'
3. Promise they'll have this figured out by the 2014 Olympics
2. Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki
1. It's so bad, they've even considered me

Friday, Jan 22, 2010

#1430

Late Night From 01/12
Part 1

"Guess whose birthday it is today. Rush Limbaugh — 59 years old. Also, celebrity birthday, Kirstie Alley — 59 years old today, too. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." –David Letterman

"It's a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the 'American Idol' show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name." –David Letterman

"There's a new book. Sarah Palin said that on the campaign tour sometimes, she was glassy-eyed and out of it. You know, like NBC executives." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'" –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, Sarah Palin appeared on 'The O'Reilly Factor' with Bill O'Reilly. Talk about a bridge to nowhere." –David Letterman

"Of course, the really big news is Conan O'Brien said in a written statement that he will not do 'The Tonight Show' after Jay Leno. I think. But then he also said he wants to make 'The Tonight Show' the best it can be, which means he didn't quit. I think. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm sure the lawyers will figure that out. Actually, I can think of a much better solution than the lawyers. Here's what I think we should do here — government bailout money. It worked with Wall Street. Why doesn't Congress give NBC money to make more late night shows? That would solve everything." –Craig Ferguson

"But for now, it looks like Jay's back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? 'Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through." –Jimmy Fallon

"Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage, which means the New Jersey Senate was like, 'Gay people getting married? What are you, like, high? No? Well, let's get high then.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It is clear that President Obama is soft on security. He has completely dropped the ball on people blowing up their balls. Thankfully, Dick Cheney has called him out, telling Politico it is clear President Obama is trying to pretend we're not at war. He's not doing a very good job at it [on screen: a montage of all the times Obama has said we're involved in a 'war on terror']. Man, he's doing a worse job pretending we're not at war than I am doing pretending he is not the president. The American people are pretending we're not at war. It's so easy when there's no draft, when no one has been asked to sacrifice anything other than our privacy, our right to habeas corpus and our full-sized shampoo bottles." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At FOX News

10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010 .

Saturday, Jan 23, 2010

#1431

Late Night From 01/12
Part 2

"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties."  –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to NBC, where our new slogan is 'no longer just screwing up prime time.'"  –Conan O'Brien

"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time."  –Conan O'Brien

"NBC says, they are planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. That's what they said, yeah. Yeah. And trust me when NBC says something, you can take that to the bank. They're good people."  –Conan O'Brien

"The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, is in the news. He's still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama's blackness. Sources say he could face Congressional censure or, even worse, be promised 'The Tonight Show' at 11:30." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air." –Jay Leno

"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a 'light-skinned' African-American 'with no negro dialect.' See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader." –Jay Leno

"But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has 'nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.' So it all worked out." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen him on the news? Harry Reid is apologizing more than NBC affiliates." –Jay Leno

"He is not the only one. Impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, what a moron this guy is. He's in trouble after saying he's 'blacker than Barack Obama.' Barack Obama? He's not even blacker than Sammy Sosa." –Jay Leno

"Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I'm taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That's right. Anyway, Conan O'Brien today announced he's leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the 'Tonight Show.' Fortunately, though, I will." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A couple of minutes ago, Conan O'Brien, who was the host of 'The Tonight Show' over there at NBC, announced that he would not follow Jay Leno at 12:05. If Conan does leave 'The Tonight Show,' then he has to appoint a replacement. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC." –David Letterman

Sunday, Jan 24, 2010

#1432

Late Night From 01/13

"I'm Conan O'Brien and I've been practicing the phrase, 'Who ordered the mochaccino grande?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters — 83 percent — want me to stay at 11:35. And here's the interesting part. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, 'How can I get NBC to screw me over?'" –Conan O'Brien

"I'm getting a lot of support out there. Especially from an online group calling themselves 'Team Conan,' which is nice. Yeah. No, it's very exciting. It's the first time in my life that I've been on a team when I wasn't picked last.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, the new season of 'American Idol' started on the Fox Network and it was watched by an audience of 30 million people. Yeah. Yeah, when they heard that, NBC executives said, 'That's not true. There's no such thing as an audience that's 30 million people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno

"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." –Jay Leno

"The government issued a statement this week saying most people aren't complaining about the full-body scanners. See, the government always says that. Every time there's another intrusion into our privacy, they say most people aren't complaining. Well, of course, most people aren't complaining. You know what happens when you complain at airport security? You get a colonoscopy and wind up on a terrorists watch list." –Jay Leno

"Well, it's growing more and more likely that California will legalize marijuana. You mean it's not already legal?" –Jay Leno

"You know what that means? One day in California, you could be buying legalized marijuana at a Wal-Mart from a cashier who's not even legal." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has signed on to become a Fox News correspondent. And in a related story, John McCain just picked up an endorsement deal to be a spokesman for the SCOOTER Store." –Jay Leno

"There's a new book out about the most recent U.S. presidential campaign. In the book, it says Sarah Palin was unprepared to be vice president. And I thought, boy, you think you know somebody." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman

"Conan O'Brien said yesterday, I'm not doing the tonight show at 12:05. ... He said forget it, I'm not doing the show at 12:05. NBC went back and decided to sweeten the deal and they offered him 12:04.'" –David Letterman

"The whole idea is NBC wanted to get a thing going, whereby they wouldn't make the same mistake they made when Johnny Carson quit and retired, that there were a lot of bad feelings. They wanted to avoid causing more bad feelings. Well, mission accomplished. There you go. I miss Johnny Carson. By God when Johnny quit, he quit.'" –David Letterman

"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. I have not been this entertained by NBC since balloon boy threw up on the 'Today Show.'" –David Letterman

"A new report says that one year after President Obama took office, 40 percent of top positions in his administration have yet to be filled. George Bush actually filled 62 percent of top positions during his first year, and Bill Clinton filled all the top positions and even some of the weird sideways ones." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study finds that the increase of obesity in the United States is starting to slow, mainly because so many Americans are already fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Jeff Zucker's Voicemail

10. What the hell are you doing?
9. This is Jay Leno. Conan seemed upset in the elevator. Everything ok?
8. No seriously, what the hell are you doing?
7. It's Burt Reynolds. Just so you know, I'm available.
6. Letterman here. Want to borrow one of my hairpieces?
5. This is Mark McGwire. If you're looking to bulk up, I know a guy.
4. It's Jay again. All in all, I think it's going pretty well.
3. I'm from Comcast. Regarding the sale... Uh, I think we're ok.
2. Larry King here. Keep up the good work.
1. What the zuck?

Monday, Jan 25, 2010

#1433

Late Night From 01/14

"Hello, there, I'm Conan O'Brien, NBC's employee of the month." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a rumor. This came out today. There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is, if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program." –Conan O'Brien

"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

'Welcome to the new show, 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Off NBC!'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno

"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno

As you know, a little bit of controversy going on here at NBC. Actually the 'Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien' ratings have gone up. They've gone up. ... So, you're welcome." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman

"She's doing a lot of public speaking, and next week, she will be in Las Vegas speaking at a liquor convention. And what a coincidence, because I think McCain was drunk when he picked her." –David Letterman

"There's big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess that explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she's heard about MTV's 'Jersey Shore,' but she hasn't seen it. It's funny. That's exactly what the people on 'Jersey Shore' said about the Obamas." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's kind of sad to see what's happened to NBC. You know, when I was a young man, just beginning to blossom, my breasts were starting to fill out, NBC was number one. They had 'Cosby' and 'Cheers' and great shows. Now, they're a mess. Like going on your high school reunion and the homecoming king went bald and works in a lawn mower repair shop.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Jan 26, 2010

#1434

Late Night From 01/18
Part 1

"They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president." –David Letterman

"There's a new book out that says Sarah Palin was an ignoramus who believes Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. And I thought, well, no, that's George Bush. Wasn't that George Bush?" –David Letterman

"One of Osama bin Laden's sons has written a book. And remember how excited we all were when we captured Osama bin Laden? Oh yeah, that didn't happen." –David Letterman

"Anyway, one of his kids has written a book. And he said his father was a cruel parent. For example, he made the kid wait until he was 18 years old before he let him blow up his first car." –David Letterman

"The FBI has released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden looks like now. You know, he's aged. It's been, like, nine years. So the FBI puts out a sketch so we can get an idea what he looks like nine years older. And I said, 'Why don't we put out a sketch of what he looks like when he's captured?'" –David Letterman

"Do you remember Chemical Ali? He's been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he's been sentenced to death. He's very confused. He hasn't decided what to order for his fourth last meal." –David Letterman

"The White House issued a statement today. They're blaming government inefficiencies — this is true — they're blaming it on old computers. Apparently, all the computers keep crashing. And everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House said it's replacing any technology that's obsolete, broken down and causes problems. Desktops, laptops, Joe Biden: It's all going out." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia's school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care. And they didn't." –Jimmy Fallon

"During Malia's recital, Obama was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, 'That's my daughter up there.' And the other parents were like, 'You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, 'We've spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven't been able to talk about how great the bill is over all.' Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, 'Not that great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is very sweet. President Obama threw Michelle a surprise birthday party on Saturday night, which is why all week long, Joe Biden was like: 'Hi, Michelle. Nothing new going on here. No secrets being kept, surprises being planned. Certainly no surprise parties. What?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that a year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, 'Yeah, technically that is change.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll by TripAdvisor found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. Second-worst airplane passengers? Terrorists. 'Ma'am, can you tell your baby to be quiet? I have an underwear bomb I have to focus up on.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, the FBI unveiled a massive Times Square billboard with a rotating display of the most-wanted criminals in the U.S. It's all part of a new FBI plan called 'distract tourists while they have their wallets stolen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Jan 27, 2010

#1435

Late Night From 01/18
Part 2

"The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck. Did you hear his bio? For God's sakes, the guy sounds like a fictional character in some racy David E. Kelly show about politics. Tonight on an all new 'Mass Appeal': Senator McDangly exercises his pocket veto." –Jon Stewart, on Scott Brown, Republican candidate for the Massachusetts Senate seat

"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." –Jon Stewart

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Some good news for NBC, Conan O'Brien and I won a Golden Globe for best late night drama. Very excited about that." –Jay Leno

"The one good thing to come out of all this infighting: Conan's ratings have surged. His ratings are way up since this whole thing started. Yeah, but unfortunately, that thing is frowned upon here at NBC. Remember, I got fired for it." –Jay Leno

"Remember the more innocent days of late night TV, when the only thing people cared about was which intern the host was nailing? What happened there?" –Jay Leno

"The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work." –Jay Leno

"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he's been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?" –Jay Leno

"Hello there, I'm Conan O'Brien, and I need all of you to write me a letter of recommendation." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you know this? NBC has a new slogan. This is true. And the slogan is 'More Colorful.' Yeah. They may be telling the truth, because they're about to get rid of the whitest guy on television." –Conan O'Brien

"Of course, this has been a stunning couple of days for me, I have to tell you. Yeah, it's a bit hard to accept that soon I won't have a show, but Snooki and The Situation will. Only in America." –Conan O'Brien

"There are much more important things going on in the world. The U.S. government, did you hear this, has digitally updated their file photo of Osama bin Laden? They have given him thinner hair and a greyer beard. Yeah. And also just for the fun of it, they gave him a tramp stamp." –Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't let her daughters watch the show 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, the First Lady said, 'Because I love my children.'" –Conan O'Brien

"People are worried about NBC. Earlier today, President Obama announced that he's sending in 30,000 troops. Out to Burbank." –David Letterman

'The big CBS show here, anybody seen the 'Medium?' It's about a woman who can communicate with the dead. A woman without can communicate with the dead. As a matter of fact, this Sunday, this week, Johnny Carson calls up the medium and he asks her what the hell is going on with the 'Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"Things are crazy. I don't know what is going on on NBC. I don't know what going on in the 'Tonight Show.' Earlier today I get a call from the executives at CBS and they wanted to know if I would consider a jaw enhancement. What? Are you kidding?'" –David Letterman

Thursday, Jan 28, 2010

#1436

Late Night From 01/19

"I am Conan O'Brien, and I am just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history." –Conan O'Brien

"We've had so much nice support. Yesterday, you probably saw this. There were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago, which I thought was nice. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you."  –Conan O'Brien

"I've had a crazy time the last couple days. Today was very busy. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the Tunnel of Litigation. That's a crappy ride." –Conan O'Brien

"Some papers are reporting that I'm legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. Yeah, for example, I am not allowed to say things like, 'NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a barrel of cheese.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future, I may not be able to retain what is known as my show's intellectual property. I may not be able to retain it. Yeah. No, look at the bright side. Isn't it great to live in a country where a cigar smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered intellectual property?'" –Conan O'Brien

"You know up in Massachusetts, the big election, are you following what's going on up there? Ted Kennedy's Senate seat is now up for grabs. The election is pretty close. I was thinking, you know, my money is on Jay Leno." David Letterman

"Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?" –David Letterman

"Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." –David Letterman

"Do you remember the Salahis? Barack Obama throws a state dinner for the prime minister of India. And guess who shows up? The Salahis. Well, they weren't invited. Tomorrow, they're going to be appearing before Homeland Security to talk about that. It should be exciting. Ricky Gervais is hosting. It'll be great." –David Letterman

"Chrysler is recalling 24,000 cars. May be a problem with the brake system. I said to myself: 'They sold 24,000 cars. Really? Well, good for them. I mean, who cares if the brakes work? They're moving cars left and right.'" –David Letterman

"Now here's something that I think bothers all of us. Osama bin Laden is still out doing whatever it is he does. And so the F.B.I. updated his likeness. So the F.B.I. has gotten the original photograph, and they've enhanced it to show what Osama bin Laden looks like now. And if you're interested, you can see it. They put it on a carton of goat's milk." –David Letterman

"I just read President Obama plans to deliver his State of the Union address next Wednesday, Jan. 27. Until then, he's just at home going: 'Please everything get better by Wednesday. Please everything get better by Wednesday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

You can tell the president is losing some of his popularity. Today, Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan visited elementary school kids in Virginia. And the kids were like: 'Oh, my gosh. It's Arne Duncan! It's Arne Duncan, look! Can I have your autograph? It's Arne Duncan!' –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, this is pretty big. Sarah Palin is saying that her deal with Fox News wouldn't keep her from running for president in 2012. However, Palin did admit her deal with Fox News will keep her from winning'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

"Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants." –Jay Leno

"The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course." –Jay Leno

"They said it could rain 20 inches this week, which is more bad news for Jay Leno. He just had all 600 of his cars washed." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show on Obama's First Year in Office
Stephen Colbert: Speedkating Team Training
Letterman Rips Leno, Blames Him For Mess
Flashback: Howard Stern Warned Conan That Leno Would Never Leave

Friday, Jan 29, 2010

#1437

Late Night From 01/20

"Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, sorry if I'm a little late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker." –Conan O'Brien

"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, ratings for the 'Tonight Show' are up by 50%. When NBC executives heard this they told me, 'See, you really don't fit in around here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This whole experience has been so surreal. I never thought I'd be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave 'Joey.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff. At first they thought I was gullible -- they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they'd be allowed to run free forever." –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a 'Conan O'Brien Day,' where a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance. Then the football team will beat the crap out of them." –Conan O'Brien

"I've been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids, because they're still very young. So I had a doll made of myself, and now I can show my kids exactly where NBC touched daddy." –Conan O'Brien

"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I've been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation. Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that's actually a pretty long time. In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than seven months: Kid Rock's marriage to Pamela Anderson: five months. Popularity of the 'Leave Britney Alone Guy': four months. Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months. The plot of 'Lost' being vaguely comprehensible: three months. Joan Rivers' 17th face: six weeks. Interest in Denise Richards' side of the story: 18 hours. Gary Busey's love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days. Lindsay Lohan's first and third stints as a lesbian: three months & five months. The Masturbating Bear's disappearance from the airwaves: six months, 29 days." –Conan O'Brien

"Terrible, terrible rain. And, of course, the rain couldn't have come at a worst possible time. You know, today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." –Jay Leno

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican Party." –Jay Leno

"You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." –Jay Leno

"Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

"More problems for New York Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said, he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little confused. Just because he's legally blind, doesn't mean we can't see him." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"When Scott Brown takes office, Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof Senate majority. And he's vowed to oppose the health care bill. That's a nice way to start your first day, huh? 'Hey, I'm the new guy. Hate what you're doing here.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an 'A' on his first year in office. Malia was like, 'This is the best possible day to tell dad about my 'D' in social studies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This isn't good. Erroll Southers, Obama's pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife's boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that's an improvement from the TSA's normal procedure: not performing background checks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Declares Scott Brown the 45th President
Letterman Takes on 'Conniving' Jay Leno
Ed Helms Sings Conan A Touching Farewell Song

Saturday, Jan 30, 2010

#1438

Late Night From 01/21
Part 1

"I guess everybody knows that Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was a law student. See, back then, the GOP stood for 'grand old package.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt. It is Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, 'Father’s Day.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn’t know he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby is Rielle Hunter’s baby." –Jay Leno

"Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards' former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap." –Jay Leno

"Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?" –David Letterman

"But you know, this Martha Coakley, the Democratic candidate was like two weeks ago, 20 points, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it, here's what happened. Apparently she was on the Patriots defense" –David Letterman

"Anybody here from Massachusetts? You got a new senator, congratulations. Do you know anything about this guy? His name is Scott Brown. Isn’t that the guy Elvis played in 'Clambake?'" –David Letterman

"But you know the Democratic candidate, was like, two weeks ago, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it. Here’s what happened. Apparently, she put in the Patriots defense." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote." –David Letterman

"Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama's second year in office. Yeah, he has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether." –Jimmy Fallon

"During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart's 'Special Comment' on Keith Olbermann
Colbert Reviews Obama's First Year: He's Doing Nothing and Destroying Everything
Jimmy Kimmel Airs Ken Burns-Style Documentary on Leno-Conan Battle

Sunday, Jan 31, 2010

#1439

Late Night From 01/21
Part 2

"The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?" –Jimmy Kimmel

The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is — I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is love child really the best way of describing what happened? I think it was more of a seven gin and tonics child." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He released a statement today. Edwards said, 'It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she’ll forgive me.' Hey, if she inherits that hair, what's to forgive?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I'll go. I'll walk home. To Brooklyn. I'm just putting that out there. That's a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC." –Jimmy Kimmel

"NBC has reached an agreement with Conan O'Brien. He's going to get $32 million and his staff will split up $12 million. Which I would cash those checks immediately. They're saying that if, putting 30 doesn't work, the plan is to close NBC down and turn it into a Costco." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm Conan O'Brien, future Donkey Kong champion." –Conan O'Brien

"Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp." –Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Baracl Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley." –Conan O'Brien

"I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.'" –Conan O'Brien

Monday, Feb 01, 2010

#1440

Taking a day off

Tueday, Feb 02, 2010

#1441

Late Night From 01/22
Part 1

"Ysterday President Obama met with a group of mayors at the White House and he told them he was glad not to be running a city during this recession. Yeah, it's all part of Obama's new campaign slogan: 'Sucks to be you, bitches!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was focused on bringing tough new regulations to banks. He said 'If these folks want a fight, that's a fight I'm ready to have.' This explains why when President Obama tried to use an ATM today, it just spit out a receipt that said 'F U.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys following the big health fight? It's not going well for the Democrats at all. Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the House doesn't have enough votes to pass the Senate's bill. A few more elections and the House won't have Nancy Pelosi either." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Conan O'Brien's Last "Tonight Show": Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, And Steve Carell
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Wed., Feb 03, 2010

#1442

Late Night From 01/22
Part 2

"I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know, and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun. As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity." -Conan O'Brien, signing off from "The Tonight Show"

"Now that this mess is almost behind me -- I just have one last request: HBO, when you make the movie about this whole NBC late night fiasco, I'd like to be played by Academy-Award winning actress Tilda Swinton." –Conan O'Brien

"People have been asking me what's going to happen to our studio after we're gone. There are actually a few possible uses for our studio being kicked around. I thought I'd share some of the ideas with you right now: Magician David Blaine will attempt the impossible by trying to remain in the studio for longer than seven months. Leave the studio cold and empty and re-name it 'The World's Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming.' The studio will be air-lifted to a location with better luck, like on top of a native-American burial ground." –Conan O'Brien

"The winner of this game (Jets-Colts) goes to the Super Bowl. The loser gets the 10 p.m. slot at NBC." –David Letterman

"People are saying tonight is Conan O'Brien's final night. So, it looks like I knocked off another competitor." –David Letterman

"You know, you've got to love Jay. Jay is like a whack-a-mole. You think you've cancelled him and then he pops up in another time period." –David Letterman

"They're having the auto show in Detroit. They've got a lot of concept vehicles. They have something they're calling the NBC concept car. Are you familiar with this? You push a button or throw a switch or something and the wheels come off." –David Letterman

"It's Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff's birthday today and he celebrated, spent the entire day waving to Sarah Palin."  –David Letterman

Thursday, Feb 04, 2010

#1443

Late Night From 01/25
Part 1

"Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late." –Jay Leno

"The late night wars are finally over. I'm kind of amazed I'm still here, too. Jay Leno said he's going to go on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell his side of the story. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Blasts GOP Candidate For Comparing School Kids To Stray Animals
Colbert Rips Harold Ford Jr. For Flip Flopping On Abortion, Gay Marriage

Friday, Feb 05, 2010

#1444

Late Night From 01/25
Part 2

"John McCain's wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he's still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman." –Jay Leno

"Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons." –Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. There's a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him." –Jay Leno

"Actually, John Edwards said today he's going to help raise the little girl. He said he's looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products." –Jay Leno

"And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems to be very confused." –Jay Leno

Saturday, Feb 06, 2010

#1445

Late Night From 01/26

"Tomorrow night, President Obama will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he's going to talk a lot about India." –Jay Leno

"Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. 'Hey, there aren't any. Thank you. Good night.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps." –Jay Leno

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — 'I'll be back.'" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"That's an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama Takes on Bankers
Colbert on the S. Carolina Republican Who Compared Poor Kids to Animals

Sunday, Feb 07, 2010

#1446

Late Night From 01/27

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The speech tonight was pretty much the same thing we hear over and over again, asking us for patience and a willingness to sacrifice, things we are totally unwilling to do as Americans." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But then after the president spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Neither one of these parties cares as much about the country as they do about being the one who gets to run the country. It's a big waste, and it's a big waste of air time that could be better spent on celebrities ice skating or conveyor belts of love, things like that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Feb 08, 2010

#1447

goof-off day

Tueday, Feb 09, 2010

#1448

goof-off day

Wed., Feb 10, 2010

#1449

goof-off day

Thursday, Feb 11, 2010

#1450

goof-off day

Friday, Feb 12, 2010

#1451

Late Night From 02/01
Part 1

"President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan." –David Letterman

"And here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." –David Letterman

"Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley?" –David Letterman

"He is the one that killed all the Kurds, Chemical Ali. He shouldn't be confused with the guy who killed NBC. That was Chemical Zucker." –David Letterman

"This is unfortunate. I heard that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote 'see news.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95
6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad's tan windbreakers
4. It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money
3. Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
2. $1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Hammers FOX News For Cutting Off Obama's GOP Q&A
Colbert Interviews Harold Ford Jr.

Saturday, Feb 13, 2010

#1452

Late Night From 02/01
Part 2

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Goldman Sachs's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, is getting a $100 million bonus. Goldman Sachs denied it, saying, 'Well, no figure has been decided on yet.' You know what that means? He's getting more. Exactly." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I'm way out of line. But I don't care because this show has been canceled." –Jay Leno

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." –Jay Leno

"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jay Leno

"And the state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that's great news. I thought we were already broke, didn't you? We got two months worth of money left. Let's party!" –Jay Leno

Sunday, Feb 14, 2010

#1453

Late Night From 02/02

"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a Goodwill store that's having an anti-Valentine's Day donation drive where people can give away clothes that belonged to their exes. I swear. In fact, tonight, I'm wearing one of John Edwards's old suits." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It's not a good idea." –Jimmy Kimmel


Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes Aim at Hamas's Anti-Semitic Cartoons
Daily Show: Brian Williams Interview
Colbert Report: Eliot Spitzer Interview

Monday, Feb 15, 2010

#1454

Late Night From 02/03
Part 1

"During a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is not sexy, but it's making a difference. Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can't get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: 'When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize.' And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Slams McCain for Stance on 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
Daily Show's John Oliver:' Stop Letting Old People Serve in the Senate'

Tueday, Feb 16, 2010

#1455

Late Night From 02/03
Part 2

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl Party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl Party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy." –David Letterman

"President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl Party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they'll pass health care." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Obama, he said, 'Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I'll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'" –David Letterman

"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." –David Letterman

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"President Obama has announced his administration's plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever ridden on Amtrak? We can't figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing, O.K. Do you really want to go off the track at 150 miles an hour?" –Jay Leno

"ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a black goat every day since becoming president in an attempt to ward off the evil eye. It's good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror." –Jay Leno

"And the wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has written a book about her whole ordeal. Remember, he went to Argentina to see his mistress? She says her husband kept pestering her for permission to see his mistress. See, that shows you how bad the Republicans are at cheating, O.K. They ask permission. Republicans, stick to what they know — greed. Leave adultery to Democrats." –Jay Leno

"Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born." –Jay Leno

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." –Jay Leno

Wed., Feb 17, 2010

#1456

Late Night From 02/04
Part 1

"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. Gosh, I mean, this guy, what is he doing, working at Blockbuster?" –David Letterman

"There is always a new Osama bin Laden video. And in this one, he's worried about global warming. And he's blaming the United States for global warming. And I just thought to myself, wait a minute, this guy thinks it's warm now, wait till he gets to hell." –David Letterman

"President Obama has decided to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I think he's still mad they stiffed him in Chicago. But they said it would be very expensive to arrange proper security for Obama, so they're sending Vice President Joe Biden in his place. Because, you know, who cares?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president won't be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he's invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. Going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd that no one should go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth, which, I think, is his way of saying we're going to start exporting sick people to China." –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this. On the 'Today' show, this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear about what's going on with Toyota? This is crazy. It's like, their job is to make cars, right? Well, they had a problem with gas pedals getting stuck — now, they're recalling the Prius because the brakes don't work. And because of this, sales of Ford cars and trucks rose 25 percent in the past month. But Ford says it's because of its new ad slogan, 'Ford, because Toyota is trying to kill you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in California is working on a new wireless monitor for pill bottles that tattles on you when you forget to take your medicine. Yeah, it's the same system already used by people who take drugs for hallucinations. 'O.K., bottle's talking. Time to take another one. There you go. Thank you!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that eating corned beef for breakfast could help you lose weight. Doesn't sound like a study. That sounds like something a guy who eats corned beef for breakfast says." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new research found that one in five people has an 'unfitness' gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise. The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day In The Senate

10. "Wanna throw on some pants, Scotty?"

9. "Where's the tanning bed?"

8. "You wanna throw on a shirt now, Scotty?"

7. "Palin's accusing you of being a dope who's skating by on looks"

6. "John Edwards wants to ask if you have any interest in pretending to be a father"

5. "The Senate will now come to . . . Oh my God, he's even hunkier in person"

4. "An underpants model in the Senate — Yeah, that's what the Founding Fathers had in mind"

3. "Barney Frank wants to know if you're available"

2. "Look out! Runaway Toyota!"

1. "No, Senator, we do not want to see your 'situation'"

Late-Night TV Videos

Daily Show: Disemboweler Jon Stewart Eviscerates Blogosphere

Letterman Takes On "Hunky" Scott Brown's First Day In Senate

Thursday, Feb 18, 2010

#1457

Late Night From 02/04
Part 2

"Have you heard the new slogan? 'Toyota, just try and stop us.'" –Jay Leno

"Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems — unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car." –Jay Leno

"And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington." –Jay Leno

"Here's something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What's even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, 'Dancing with the Stars,' 'American Idol,' the TV show 'Glee.' Hello, look around, people." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag?" –Jay Leno

"And then when he went on the honeymoon with someone else, that should have told her!" –Jay Leno

"And in Japan, they've developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It's the same thing." –Jay Leno

"A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota." –David Letterman

"You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying." –David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl Party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl Party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock 'n' roll." –David Letterman

Friday, Feb 19, 2010

#1458

Late Night From 02/05

"For the second time since he became president, Barack Obama has slammed Las Vegas by saying, 'You don't blow bunch of cash in Vegas.' Hey, the way government is spending money, I'd rather take the odds in Vegas. Wouldn't you? At least you might win something!" –Jay Leno

"Actually, what the President said was, 'If you want to gamble, drive a Toyota.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, more bad news for Toyota. According to CNN, Toyota has known about this brake problem in its Prius cars for some time, but didn't mention it to people who bought them. What?! Car salesmen lying? I am stunned!" –Jay Leno

"Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out pig-to-human lung transplants. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already. I think it's called John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?" –Jay Leno

"But Sarah Palin said she will not benefit from the speech. See, that way she'll have something in common with the people in the audience." –Jay Leno

"You know anything about the new senator from the great state of Massachusetts? Senator Scott Brown. Comes out of nowhere, this guy. And he used to be, like, a go-go boy. That's where he got his start. And then he was a nude model, and now, he's a senator. Have you seen the guy? Terribly good-looking. He looks like one of those guys in an adult film who would describe his work as 'tasteful.'" –David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys at the health club that would snap you with his towel." –David Letterman

"Well, we've got another one of those videotapes from Osama bin Laden. I mean, they're coming like once a month now. It's like you're in a club. You sign up, you get the whole collection. Time-Life: Osama bin Laden." –David Letterman

"And in this one, he's blaming the United States for global warming. Says the United States caused global warming, and by gosh, they better stop global warming. Sounds to me like somebody's looking for a Nobel Prize, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"He's very ecologically minded. Like, last year, it was documented by the C.I.A. that Osama bin Laden switched to a hybrid camel." –David Letterman

"President Obama was busy holding two fundraisers in D.C. last night. During one of his speeches, Obama told the crowd, 'We can't be afraid of the future.' Most Americans agree with him, mainly because they are so busy being afraid of the present." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama said, 'We can't be afraid of the future.' And Biden was like, 'What about clowns? Can we be afraid of clowns?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also said that the key to competing with China is to improve our math and science education. Because right now our G.D.P. is about $13 trillion and China's is $3 trillion, which means we're still ahead by, uh — trillions." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's tough out there. Even the Obama store in Washington, D.C., is closing. That's where they sell T-shirts, hats, and calendars with Obama's face on them. You can tell they're Obama calendars. They only go up to 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos

SNL Mocks FOX News Coverage of "Dont' Ask, Don't Tell"

SNL Takes on Rahm Emanuel's Apology for "Retarded" Comment

Saturday, Feb 20, 2010

#1459

Late Night From 02/08

"Well, congratulations to the world champion New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office." –Jay Leno

|

"China and the United States have been locked into a series of trade disputes. President Obama said this week that China is putting U.S. exports at a disadvantage. Well, of course, U.S. exports are at a disadvantage. You know why? All our U.S. exports are made in China." –Jay Leno

"Dr. Conrad Murray charged today with the death of Michael Jackson. He is headed to jail. Could lose his medical license. So, see, there's healthcare reform." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. They defeated my Indianapolis Colts. So all I can say is, 'Don't worry, Indianapolis, FEMA is on the way.'" –David Letterman

"A lot of Republicans attended President Obama's Super Bowl Party. And I thought oh, yeah, they care about New Orleans, now!" –David Letterman

"Anybody snowed in the big blizzard? Like, over two feet, down there in Washington, D.C. D.C. completely ground to a halt. Absolutely nothing going on. Well, how you can tell the difference?" –David Letterman

"It was so cold in Washington that the new senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was actually wearing pants." –David Letterman

"You know who I am talking about? The new senator from the state of Massachusetts. Before he got into politics, he had two jobs. He was a go-go boy. And he was also a nude model. And they swore him in last week. It was a moving ceremony. He put his hand on a copy of 'Cosmo.'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still." –David Letterman

"And to go to this Tea Party deal, it was a 350 bucks a plate. And if you wanted a glass or a cup, well, that was more." –David Letterman

"But 350 bucks a plate and a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster." –David Letterman

"Did everybody watch the Super Bowl? Everybody's happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos

Letterman-Leno Super Bowl Ad

Stephen Colbert: 'Sarah Palin Is a F**king Retard'

The Daily Show Recaps the Tea Party Convention

Sunday, Feb 21, 2010

#1460

Late Night From 02/09
Part 1

"It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read." –Jay Leno

"And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn't have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, 'I'm wearing no pants.' I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign." –Jay Leno

"I started doing a little something that is mighty helpful. When I come out here to tell the jokes, I have them all written in the palm of my hand." –David Letterman

"They got a lot of snow in Washington, D.C. And the city came to the biggest standstill they've had since the Democrats got the supermajority." –David Letterman

"But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He's going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They'll put it on the back burner and hope it melts." –David Letterman

"And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they're wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That's what they were doing." –David Letterman

"President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama just launched a campaign to combat childhood obesity called 'Let's Move.' And this evening, obese children started their own program called 'Let's Not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos

Daily Show: Newt Gingrich Interview

Daily Show: RNC Meeting in Hawaii
Stephen Colbert Wrestles Jimmy Fallon As Late-Night Battles Continue

Monday, Feb 22, 2010

#1461

Late Night From 02/09
Part 2

"Did you see Sarah Palin at the Tea Party Convention on Saturday? Well, this is — I'm starting to love her, really. She mocked President Obama for using a teleprompter and then, someone noticed she had notes written on her hand. And she had the words 'energy,' 'budget,' with the word 'cuts' crossed off, 'tax,' and 'lift American spirits' written on her palm. It lifted my spirits, so — mission accomplished, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Writing stuff on your hand? It's not a good idea. It's actually why President Bush invaded Iraq instead of Iran. He wrote it down. I guess he played, like, nine holes of golf. And now here we are." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Actually, Sarah Palin is no dummy. This is actually a calculated move designed to promote her new book, 'Cheat Sheets and Moose Meats.' It's a collection of recipes that that you can write in moose blood right on your hand." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They're building snow-bamas all over the place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, be glad you're not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don't think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Feb 23, 2010

#1462

Late Night From 02/10

"I'll tell you, you woke up this morning, and New York, a tremendous sight. I mean, it was whiter than a Tea Party rally." –David Letterman

"People still talking about the Super Bowl. It was the most watched TV program of all time. The second most-watched event was the episode of 'Dallas' where J.R. gets shot in the face by Dick Cheney." –David Letterman

"This President Obama, I mean, give the guy credit. He keeps working and working and working. He's going to invite a bunch of Republicans to have a televised debate on healthcare. It's going to be a big, big event. As a matter of fact, at halftime The Who will be there doing a special song about Lipitor. So look for that." –David Letterman

"And last night, Bob Dylan performed at the White House in honor of Black History Month. Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota." –David Letterman

"We learned last weekend that Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches. You can see the notes right there on her hand. The first one is, 'Hitch up the dogsled,' 'buy Chapstick,' 'clean rifle.'" –David Letterman

"The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — 'cushions.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"So cold out there the writing on Sarah Palin's hand said, 'Economy,' 'jobs,' 'put on gloves, stupid.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Airports all over the East Coast are facing flight cancellations. In fact, under each departure time, it says, 'Are you freaking kidding me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, 'well.' When asked why he was being vague, he was like, 'because.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Rips Fox News For Using Snowstorm To Deny Global Warming

Wed., Feb 24, 2010

#1463

Late Night From 02/11

"The big blizzard hit the East Coast. Washington, D.C., probably hit hardest of all. Two storms, back-to-back. The bad news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down. The good news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down." –David Letterman

"Oh, we have some news coming out of Iran, where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said today that they are enriching uranium but not for nuclear weapons. And I said, Well, that's good enough for me." –David Letterman

"Here's an important anniversary in the world of comedy. Four years ago today Vice President Dick Cheney was out hunting, and he shot one of his buddies in the face." –David Letterman

"But a lot of people criticized Cheney for not doing the right thing after he shot the guy. But he did what he needed to do. He tied the guy to his roof. And then he drove him back to his house." –David Letterman

"Celebrity birthday. Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who is 46 years old today. And you know, Sarah Palin, when she goes on a public speaking event, writes notes on her hand. Here's what she has on her hand today for her birthday. Let's check in on this, O.K., 'blow out candles,' 'eat cake,' and 'clean rifle.'" –David Letterman

"Joe Biden was interviewed on 'Larry King' last night. And he said that some of Sarah Palin's recent comments are just too far out there. He doesn't know where they came from. He was like, 'Who the hell is she, me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Toyota has had a rough month. But President Obama predicted that they will bounce back from the crisis. Didn't he say the same thing about Tiger Woods?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms. 'Honey, you have two choices. You can eat that doughnut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq. So, it's up to you. You sure you want to have the doughnut?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution in Iran. President Mahmoud Amembersonlyjacket celebrated by declaring that Iran is now a nuclear state. So that's good news. Mazel tov to them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iran's telecommunications agency announced a permanent suspension this week of all Google Gmail service. From now on, if you want to reach anyone in Iran, you have to use Faceburqa." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The government announced that they're going to start their own national email service as a way to build trust with the people, because if there's anyone you can trust with your email, it's the Iranian government, of course." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is also a day of celebration for Sarah Palin, who celebrated her 46th birthday today. Her family managed to hang streamers from the walls of the igloo, which is not easy to do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And let me tell you something. You have not been to a birthday party until you've seen Sarah Palin blow out 46 candles with an assault rifle." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: The Apparent Trap
Colbert Report: Curling Team Tryouts

Thursday, Feb 25, 2010

#1464

Late Night From 02/15
Part 1

"The federal government was shut down today because of all the snow. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?" -Jimmy Kimmel

"A new Gallup poll found that 44 percent of Americans would vote for President Obama in 2012, while 42 percent would vote for a Republican candidate. If you are wondering about the other 14 percent, let's just say Bieber fever has gotten a little out of control." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. On Presidents' Day, we celebrate America's presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I think it was President Kennedy who said, 'Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I'm thinking, how exactly would that work? 'They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I'm very, very angry. It's time for jihad.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa's dentures fly off." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Declares Biden "Congested Politician Of The Week"
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Friday, Feb 26, 2010

#1465

Late Night From 02/15
Part 2

"It's Presidents' Day, ladies and gentlemen. Three-day weekend for most people. Remember President George Bush? Every weekend was a three-day weekend for him." –David Letterman

"Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? Remember the underpants bomber? Remember that guy? He bought his girlfriend some lovely exploding lingerie." –David Letterman

"Everybody celebrates Valentine's Day, whether you want to or not. Even President Barack Obama. The Republicans got together and bought him some candies for Valentine's Day that say, 'YOU LIE' and 'NOT TRUE.'" –David Letterman

"You know who was at the Daytona 500? Sarah Palin, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. She was at the finish line, and she waved her checkered past.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday, there was a big feud between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current Vice President Joe Biden. Cheney is upset with Biden because Biden, when he moved in after they were elected, he closed down Cheney's dungeon in the White House." –David Letterman

"I'm worried about Biden. Do you really want to get in a feud with a guy who shoots people?" –David Letterman

"Here's something to really get excited about. The Winter Olympics: here we go. And, of course, earlier tonight, the opening ceremonies up there in Vancouver. I always enjoy the parade of nations that hate the U.S. Isn't it nice?" –David Letterman

"Yesterday was Sarah Palin's birthday. And Sarah celebrated the same way she does every year — got in a helicopter and was picking off wolf cubs." –David Letterman

"The 'Wolfman' movie opened today. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California." –David Letterman

"I'm not sure what this says about us, but two new polls just came out. One of them found out that 70 percent of Americans support gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. And another poll, by the same company at the same time, found that only 59 percent of Americans support homosexuals serving openly in the military. I guess it means that 11 percent of Americans don't know homosexuals are gay." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Feb 27, 2010

#1466

Late Night From 02/16

"The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They're vacation activities. I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as 'commuting.' " –Jimmy Kimmel

"NBC has exclusive rights to the games, so we can't show any footage from the Olympics. In fact, I'm not even supposed to say the word, 'Olympics.' That may have cost us $800,000 right there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses." –David Letterman

"Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month...Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota." –David Letterman

Sunday, Feb 28, 2010

#1467

Late Night From 02/17

>"President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, 'It's nucular!' –David Letterman

"And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he's going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"There's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for 'fabulous.'" –David Letterman

"In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It's all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores." –David Letterman

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Mar 01, 2010

#1468

Late Night From 02/18

"Spring training started. And the Phillies, look out for the Phillies. They get this guy, Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in all of baseball. But listen to this, the Mets, very competitive. You know who they signed? They signed that guy who threw the shoes at President Bush." –David Letterman

"The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door." –David Letterman

"President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They’ve even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president smoothed things over by not holding the meeting in the Oval Office, which I guess makes it more important, and by inviting Michelle Obama’s momma, Johnny Drama and Wilmer Valderrama in pajamas. So there’s no way that the Chinese can be angry at that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How is it that the Olympics can hand out 250 medals in a few weeks? It takes 'American Idol' 58 weeks to pick one karaoke singer." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Mar 02, 2010

#1469

Taking the day off

Wed., Mar 03, 2010

#1470

Taking the day off

Thursday, Mar 04, 2010

#1471

Taking the day off

Friday, Mar 05, 2010

#1472

Taking the day off

Saturday, Mar 06, 2010

#1473

Late Night From 02/19

"We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force." –Bill Maher

"And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat ass." –Bill Maher

"Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One award moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'" –Bill Maher

"The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe." –Bill Maher

"You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House." –David Letterman

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal

10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher Proves the Tea Party is a Cult

Sunday, Mar 07, 2010

#1474

Late Night From 02/22

"Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers." –Craig Ferguson

"But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back." –Craig Ferguson

"Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers." –Craig Ferguson

"Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart takes on the Conservative Political Action Conference
Stephen Colbert's Coverage of the Vancouver Olympics

Monday, Mar 08, 2010

#1475

Late Night From 02/23

"It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Report: Bob Costas Interview
Colbert Report: Olympic International Houses

Tueday, Mar 09, 2010

#1476

Late Night From 02/24

"It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time." –Craig Ferguson

"About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson

"There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell." –Craig Ferguson

"I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Mocks GOP Complaints About Health Care Summit
Colbert Report: Cold War Update: Olympic Edition

Wed., Mar 10, 2010

#1477

Late Night From 02/25

"President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit today. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama and several others made the point that Congress uses taxpayer money to buy themselves excellent health insurance. It actually led to a plan to make everyone in the country a member of Congress, so congratulations, representatives." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Olympics just had the women's figure skating finale. The audience was primarily made up of women and perverts. I did not watch it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Olympics have been a mixed blessing for Canada. They were hoping to win more medals than any other country, but they are way behind. You would think that at this point, Canada would be very comfortable not being No. 1." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a bad day for General Motors. They're shutting down the Hummer. The Chinese were going to buy it, but after careful consideration, the Chinese decided they don't want it. You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer." –Craig Ferguson

"This week has been exciting in Washington, D.C. There's been a consensus development conference on lactose intolerance. Take that, Vancouver. Lactose intolerance means that you can't digest milk, and drinking it can make you gassy. There's another condition that causes this. It's called, 'being a guy.'" –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Mar 11, 2010

#1478

Late Night From 02/26

"President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." –Bill Maher

"At the end of the day, the Republicans proved they are not the party of. They're the party of 'F**k no!'" –Bill Maher

"Being politicians you know, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. And Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain's told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign." –Bill Maher

"At the end of all of this, Obama says, he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres." –Bill Maher

"Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The Angel of Duh himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…" –Bill Maher

"The Olympic Games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge." –Bill Maher

"The U.S. Mint has announced they're redesigning the penny. It's going to have Abraham Lincoln on the front and a shield on the back. Lincoln is probably thinking, 'Sure, now you give me a shield.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bernie Madoff's daughter-in-law, Stephanie Madoff, is changing her name. She says the Madoff name is tainted with scandal and she wants a name with less negative connotation. She is now known as Stephanie bin Laden." –Craig Ferguson

"People in L.A. don't eat cereal, because they don't like sugar because it's bad for you. Sure it's OK to inject botulism into your face, but not to eat sugar." –Craig Ferguson

"Growing up, I didn't eat much cereal because my family didn't have very much money. We didn't have Fruity Pebbles, we had actual pebbles." –Craig Ferguson

"The weather in L.A. is unbelievable. Today I had to dig my car out from under 18 inches of sunshine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The whole East Coast is covered in snow right now. Millions of people are unable to get to where they used to work." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Winter Olympics end on Sunday and even our weather is beating Canada. We're completely out-snowing them." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher: Stop Saying  'Sex Addict' Like It's a Bad Thing
Bill Maher on the Health Care Summit
Bill Maher Compares Democrats to NBC
SNL Takes on David Patterson Scandal

Friday, Mar 12, 2010

#1479

Late Night From 03/01

"It's good to be home. I'm Jay Leno, your host. At least, for a while." –Jay Leno, on returning to "The Tonight Show"

"I've got to admit that I'm a little nervous -- not because it's my first night back (but) because I know that Dave and Oprah are watching." –Jay Leno

"We were off for the last couple of weeks. Kind of like the Russians at the Olympics. What happened to them?" –Jay Leno

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you may have heard, former Vice President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. He is like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks." –Jay Leno

"Well, the good news is, the former vice president is doing fine, and his doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time." –Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

"Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota." –Jay Leno

"I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees." –Jay Leno

"Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks." –Jay Leno

"Weren't the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his annual physical checkup. Everything is perfect. So who needs health care now?" –David Letterman

"The physical went well, until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy." –David Letterman

"Now how about this? Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack. He's O.K., resting comfortably. And the doctor, after they made the diagnosis, stamped his card and the sixth one is free." –David Letterman

"The Canadian men's hockey team beat the United States in overtime yesterday to win the gold medal. They were up all night celebrating. President Obama kept banging a broom on the border, but they just wouldn't stop." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I'll start to worry." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Buzz Aldrin will be on 'Dancing With the Stars.' He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime." –Jimmy Kimmel

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it's like to drive a Toyota." –Jimmy Fallon

"Gatorade just announced they're ending their relationship with Tiger Woods. Apparently, they made the decision after they checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade and Vitamin Water." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman Top Ten Signs You Have Olympic Withdrawal
10. Will only eat your pancakes if arranged like Olympic rings
9. You exercise on NordicTrack with a rifle strapped to your back
8. You weep uncontrollably every time you see snow
7. Turned your closet into a 'kiss and cry' area
6. Office manager says, 'We're getting complaints about your speed-skating body suit
5. You're curling on your patio with a Swiffer and a fruit cake
4. Now only watch television if it's on a nine-hour tape delay
3. Already purchased snacks for the 2014 Winter Olympics
2. Brushing your teeth involves an opening and closing ceremony
1. You sold your BMW and bought a bobsled

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Jim Bunning for Blocking Unemployment Benefits
David Letterman: Sarah Palin: Confusion or Satellite Delay?
President Obama Mentions Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Mar 13, 2010

#1480

Late Night From 03/02

"I love the biathlon. That's the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, 'date night.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country." –Jay Leno

"Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left." –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It's called 'What Would Dick Cheney Do?'" –Jay Leno

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. When he gets out here, if he looks familiar, you may have seen him on 'The Young and the Restless.' He plays Tyler Cavanaugh IV. True story." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants." –David Letterman

"President Obama yesterday had his annual physical. Annual checkup. Apparently everything is all right. Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy." –David Letterman

"But Obama's physical turned out great. The doctor said a couple of things. He said: 'Cut out the cigarettes. Also, try to stay out of Toyotas.'" –David Letterman

"Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Did you guys watch the season finale of 'The Bachelor' last night? Well, fans are not happy that Jake proposed to Vienna instead of Tenley. Yeah, people are very angry that he picked a lady that nobody really likes. And then John McCain was like, 'Hey, it happens.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, the White House announced a contest for high schools to have President Obama speak at their graduation. It's really exciting, because so far, Obama has only given speeches at 70 percent of the nation's high schools." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys been following this recall stuff? It's getting totally out of hand. Now the Obama administration might require all cars to have an override system in case the brake pedal doesn't work. Personally, I like the old override system — a tree." –Jimmy Fallon

"People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know which conversation I would rather hear, Bill and Tiger or Elin and Hillary on the phone together." –Jimmy Kimmel

From Sarah Palin's Stand-Up Comedy Routine on the Tonight Show:

"Hello. Thank you, Jay. Thank you. I'm so happy to get to be here. This is a thrill of a lifetime really. And Alaska, being so different from Los Angeles. Here when people have a frozen look on their face, I find out it's Botox." –Sarah Palin

"It is so beautiful here, though, so warm and beautiful. Back home, ooh, it was freezing. It was 5 degrees below Congress' approval rating." –Sarah Palin

"I've been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey." –Sarah Palin

"And next I get to headline. I'll be the speaker at the NRA convention. So be there, or else." –Sarah Palin

"The truth is though I'm glad I'm not vice president. I'm glad because I would not know what to do with all that free time." –Sarah Palin

"But Jay, thank you so much for inviting me. I saw where it's been a few weeks of unfair, non-stop criticism, people who don't know the real story. And I just say, Jay, welcome to my world." –Sarah Palin

Late-Night TV Videos
Sarah Palin Tries Stand-Up Comedy on 'The Tonight Show'
Jay Leno Interviews Sarah Palin
Stewart Rips Rangel, Plays Classic Practical Joke

Sunday, Mar 14, 2010

#1481

Late Night From 03/03

"New Yorkers are desperate. They're trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, 'That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'" –David Letterman

"But I don't know how serious this is. I won't believe that there's real trouble with the governor until I hear that he's told his staff he's hiking on the Appalachian Trail." –David Letterman

"New York Gov. David Paterson said he will not run for election but he will serve his full term. He's going to finish his term. He's going to keep being governor till the very end. Did you hear that, Sarah? Till the end. He's going to continue to be the governor till the very end." –David Letterman

"Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you're a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it." –Jay Leno

"Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration's credibility. It's all in his new book here, it's called 'Duh.'" –Jay Leno

"Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics." –Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys 'R' Us parking lot." –Jay Leno

"Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: 'Why didn't we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?'" –Jay Leno

"Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, 'Am I still drunk, or is that a kid's voice?'" –Jay Leno

"Not a great day for that air traffic controller at JFK. Did you hear about this? He let his young son talk to planes on the radio. Authorities say this is the worst abuse of 'bring your kid to work day' since Woody Allen." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet." –Craig Ferguson

"There's more crazy news coming out of the auto industry. Today, Nissan recalled over half a million cars with faulty brakes and fuel gauges. Toyota was like, 'just half a million? Oh, that's cute.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists in Britain have developed a new camera that can identify a terrorist by the shape of their nose. Yeah, it's all part of the new technology called 'racism.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that a line of cocaine is now cheaper than a cup of coffee. Although, if you're choosing to snort coke instead of drinking coffee in the morning, it was never really about the money, was it?" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Exposes FOX News 'Balance'
Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's Comedy Routine

Monday, Mar 15, 2010

#1482

Late Night From 03/04

"There's a story today in the entertainment trade papers that Sarah Palin is shopping a reality show with the producer of 'Survivor', Mark Burnett. That's why she quit being the governor of Alaska. I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former governor George W. Bush is writing a book, writing a book. How about that, about his eight years in the White House. It's all part of his war on literacy." –David Letterman

"Former president George W. Bush is busy hard at work writing his memoirs down there at his home in Texas, Rancho Inepto." –David Letterman

"It's a memoir by George W. Bush and because I'm telling you, if there is one thing you really want to do now, if you are like me, and God I pray you're not like me, but if there's one thing you want to do, is get a nice fire going and curl up with a big book and relive the Bush administration." –David Letterman

"Friends have been saying 'Jeez, congratulations, Mr. President, we didn't know you had a book deal, we didn't know you were going to write a book. We didn't know you were writing your memoirs or any of this.' And they said 'Are you using a ghostwriter?' And the former president said 'No, the guy's still alive.'" –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has teamed up with the guy who created 'The Apprentice' and they're going around trying to sell a reality show. And the first show, they've got the thing. They did a pilot already, and the first show, I don't know how you feel about this, she goes crazy and shoots and stuffs that thing on Donald Trump's head." –David Letterman

"When I heard this, Sarah Palin, somebody said Sarah Palin is getting a reality show. I said 'Reality show, jeez, what about a reality check?'" –David Letterman

"More problems for the auto industry. General Motors announced this week they're recalling 1.3 million compact cars here in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, since President Obama took over the company, all the cars are veering to the left." –Jay Leno

"In the Democratic gubernatorial primary, Texas voters overwhelmingly nominated former Houston Mayor Bill White over Pakistani-born businessman Farouk Shami. Who could have seen that coming? Imagine Texans choosing a white guy named white over a Pakistani born businessman named Farouk Shami. It's like the world is upside down." –Jay Leno

"President Obama had his annual physical last week. And while his colonoscopy revealed no polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and a New York Times columnist." –Jay Leno

"This week, the government officially clarified exactly what the word organic means. It now means three times more expensive." –Jay Leno

"More crazy news from the car industry. An executive at G.M. is blaming his company's 1.3 million car recall on a parts supplier owned by Toyota. I'm just waiting for people to start blaming everything on Toyota. It's like the unemployment rate, the Kennedy assassination, global warming." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a big story out of Washington. The Senate voted against a plan to send a $250 check to 57 million elderly people. In the end, senators decided not give the elderly money, because you know, they're just going to spend it on drugs." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is pretty wild, Sarah Palin has been shopping around her own reality show. Yeah. Of course, any reality show about Sarah Palin will have to compete with that other reality show about Sarah Palin: the news." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Mar 16, 2010

#1483

Late Night From 03/05

"Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It's going to be called 'So You Think You Can See Russia?'" –Craig Ferguson

"As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That's the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"Just two days after being told by his doctors to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama visited a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, where he ate a meal which included fried chicken, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cream corn, biscuits, corn bread, barbecue pork, and blueberry pudding. That's why he's in favor of healthcare. He's going to need it." –Jay Leno

"This week, President Obama talked to Congress about healthcare. He said, 'Just get it done.' See, that's when you know things are bad, okay? When the President of the United States is quoting Larry the Cable Guy. 'Git 'er done!'" –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

"New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets." –Jay Leno

"And because of the bad economy, the state of Maine says its sales of lobsters have dropped dramatically. In fact, the price of lobster is so low, for the first time ever if you go into Red Lobster restaurant, you can actually get lobster now." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure if you guys have heard the latest update on healthcare reform, but Democrats are saying they hope to get a final healthcare vote before Easter. Well, I don't know. Two resurrections is a lot to hope for, don't you think?" –Jimmy Fallon

"They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn't creating jobs?" –David Letterman

Wed., Mar 17, 2010

#1484

Late Night From 03/08

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"As you know, this year, they expanded the best picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage — they expanded that to include President Obama's health care plan. Did you notice that?" –Jay Leno

"Hey, how about this? President Obama had a meeting at the White House with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. And, in fact, they hit it off so well, Jay-Z gave the president his own rap name, 'Biggie Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Just four days after being arrested on a drunken driving charge while leaving a gay bar with a man, State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, who is married and one of these antigay guys — very antigay, votes against every gay thing — and now he is gay. He said he finally realized it last night, while watching the big dance number during the Oscars." –Jay Leno

"And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York — I love this — he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!" –Jay Leno

"Now this year, the Academy Awards had a salute to horror films. Did you see that? That was remarkable. They even had footage of Vice President Dick Cheney in his torture chamber." –David Letterman

"John McCain does not watch the Academy Awards. And you know why? Well, he doesn't care for the talkies." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. I can't wait. I want to get it. I'm going to take it with me to the beach this summer. And it will be good to hold down the blankets." –David Letterman

"Going to be a big, thick book, which is great because you can put it on the floor, step up to reach a better book." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush is proud of this. He says the book will be written in his own words. I was thinking, well, that's too bad. If it was written in our words, we could understand it." –David Letterman

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for 'The Hurt Locker', which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, 'How did you end it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's been really busy, you guys. He's making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people's coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, 'The AT&T option.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is cool. President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it 'one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At Obama's space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there — Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher Wants Obama Angry
Jon Stewart On Violent Iraqi Elections: "You're Welcome"

Thursday, Mar 18, 2010

#1485

Late Night From 03/09
Part 1

"Yesterday, in San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." –Craig Ferguson

"On 'The Early Show' tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they're already planning the spinoff show, 'How I Met Your Rectum.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of 'CSI.'" –Craig Ferguson

"It's been a rough year for Toyota. They've launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toyota says they're standing beside their vehicles — because that's the only safe place to stand." –Jimmy Kimmel

Top Ten Signs Rahm Emanuel Is Nuts

10. Every morning he takes a leak off the Truman balcony
9. President Obama smokes cigarettes; Rahm eats them
8. Spotted today at Toyota dealership
7. He's leaving Obama to become a special adviser to Richard Nixon
6. In a fit of rage, he snapped Dennis Kucinich in half
5. Changing his name to Rahm Emanuel Lewis
4. Refers to every Cabinet official as 'Clarkie'
3. Recently got into a heated policy debate with his stapler
2. You mean, besides walking around D.C. naked?
1. Even Andy Dick is telling him to chill

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Hammers GOP for Insane Euphemisms
The Daily Show on Liz Cheney's Witch Hunt

Friday, Mar 19, 2010

#1486

Late Night From 03/09
Part 2

"Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is way down, which is surprising. You'd think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated." –Jay Leno

"Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid is in trouble again for saying it's really good news that America only lost 36,000 jobs in February. Well, think how happy he'll be when November comes and he loses his job." –Jay Leno

"And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will." –Jay Leno

"In the morning here at CBS, they have 'The Early Show.' Tomorrow on 'The Early Show,' host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you're thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on. Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it's going to work." –David Letterman

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

"He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I'm skeptical. I think I'll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says." –David Letterman

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O'Brien ever hosted 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"The White House unveiled its official eggs for the 2010 Easter Egg Roll on April 5. The official eggs come in purple, pink, green and, why are we talking about Easter eggs instead of health care?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything's gotten passed." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Mar 20, 2010

#1487

Late Night From 03/10
Part 1

"Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they'll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn't come to fruition then, it's going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we'll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying 'Obama wages jihad on fisherman,' and NPR says 'Obama protects aquatic unicorns,' and I don't know who to believe." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart On Beck's Massa Interview: Why The Night 'Wasn't A Total Loss'
Colbert Mocks Glenn Beck's Seedy Advertisers
Blagojevich Does Letterman Top Ten

Sunday, Mar 21, 2010

#1488

Late Night From 03/10
Part 1

"Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they'll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn't come to fruition then, it's going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we'll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying 'Obama wages jihad on fisherman,' and NPR says 'Obama protects aquatic unicorns,' and I don't know who to believe." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart On Beck's Massa Interview: Why The Night 'Wasn't A Total Loss'
Colbert Mocks Glenn Beck's Seedy Advertisers
Blagojevich Does Letterman Top Ten

Monday, Mar 22, 2010

#1489

Late Night From 03/10
Part 2

"New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." –Jay Leno

"Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for." –Jay Leno

"Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a 'win-win.'" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke." –Jay Leno

"Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'" –David Letterman

"Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sure, we've all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we've all played 'Kill the old guy.' In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Mar 23, 2010

#1490

Late Night From 03/11
Part 1

"The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton were at an event and Michelle said that she almost referred to Hillary as 'President Clinton' by mistake. And then Hillary was like, 'Ha-ha-ha. Seriously, though, would you?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Massa just keeps getting into more and more trouble. One of Massa's former shipmates in the Navy says that he used to give his subordinates massages. And he called them 'Massa massages', which is why the Navy's policy toward Massa was 'don't ask because it's pretty obvious, isn't it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young single male staffers. Massa described the house as 'just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff', while the male staffers described it as a 'den of awkwardness.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Karl Rove's memoir, 'Courage and Consequence', is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, and comes with free shipping and mishandling." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to return to golf, possibly in two weeks in Orlando. According to The New York Post, Tiger's hired former President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer to help with his PR campaign. Is that the guy you want in charge of your approval rating? I'd hire Clinton's guy. That's the one with some experience in that particular area." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: FOX News Is the Meanest Sorority In the World
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Wed., Mar 24, 2010

#1491

Late Night From 03/11
Part 2

"We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn't tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by New York Congressman Massa." –David Letterman

"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" -David Letterman

"Massa goes on the Glenn Beck show and he says that he was having a birthday party tickling his staff. And he said one guy couldn't breathe, he was tickling him so hard. And then Dick Cheney said, 'Well, we should have done that at Gitmo.'" –David Letterman

"So now this Congressman Eric Massa is claiming that he was bullied in a gym by Rahm Emanuel. The President's guy is bullying him in a gym, naked. And I know you are thinking to yourselves, 'Well gee, thanks a lot, Dave, for searing that image into our brains because that's something we'll carry for a long time right there.'" –David Letterman

"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" –David Letterman

"Barbie's birthday. Did you know that? And if you don't know Barbie let me just tell you. She is the pretty, plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain." –David Letterman

"Former President Bush, George W. Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it's green. It's entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. So that will be a keepsake for you there." –David Letterman

"A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don't worry, it'll also be available in English." –David Letterman

"A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, corruption among government officials in China is running rampant. Yet another idea they stole from us." –Jay Leno

"I'm sure you heard the First Lady talk about this. Childhood obesity at an all-time high here in America. Give you an idea how bad it is, when children are filling out a form now, next to hometown, 83 percent of the kids write 'buffet.'" –Jay Leno

Thursday, Mar 25, 2010

#1492

Late Night From 03/12

"This week was dominated by Congressman Eric Massa, the amazing groping, tickling, snorkeling congressman. America was shocked to learn there is another closeted gay congressman and he's not a Republican." –Bill Maher

"He went on Glenn Beck and told about his 50th birthday party, with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don't you hate that, when you're in a big, giggling pig-pile of dudes and people try to make it into something gay?" –Bill Maher

"They used to call him a 'Navy Seal'—not because he was in special forces, because he was always balancing balls on his nose." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Glenn Beck has to stop being so hard on himself. After his Eric Massa interview, Beck said, 'I think this is the first time I have wasted an hour of your time.' Oh Glenn, that's so not true. First of all, we never make it through the hour. But when we flip by your show and you're standing on your desk, dressed in lederhosen and holding back tears, etching something about Woodrow Wilson on your crazy board, believe me those two minutes aren't wasted. They're the funniest part of our day." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: President Obama must not bail out Greece. Besides democracy, philosophy, geometry, poetry, architecture and drama what have they ever given us? Greek President Papandreau came to Washington this week, begging for money. To which I say: Screw you, Zorba, and the horse you came hidden inside of. You want our hard earned dollars? Come back when you're an insurance company." –Bill Maher

"President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope: the Democratic Party." –Jay Leno

"President Obama would like the House to vote on his healthcare plan on either St. Patrick’s Day or the day after. That means Congress will be voting on healthcare either when they’re drunk, or when they’re hung over." –Jay Leno

"According to a survey, 67 percent of pet owners say they can understand what their pets say when they bark or meow. It doesn’t sound impressive until you realize that only 5 percent of Californians can understand Gov. Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Scientists at Rutgers University have invented a bedbug detector and trap. It will enable you to catch millions of bedbugs. If you’ve got millions of bedbugs, you need to switch your online dating service." –Jay Leno

"New York City has filled 2,000,000 potholes. The bad news is, they were the only things slowing down the Toyotas." –David Letterman

"Daylight Savings begins this weekend. Everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour. If you’re Eric Massa, you’ll probably want to set your clock back a week." –Jimmy Fallon

"We lose an hour of sleep this week. Of course, if you’re roommates with Eric Massa, you may not want to fall asleep at all." –Jimmy Fallon

"Federal officials just revealed that a member of al-Qaida worked at three nuclear power plants in New Jersey over six years. Wait, there are three nuclear power plants in New Jersey? I guess that explains Snooki." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Seinfeld Rips Ex-Congressman Massa
Bill Maher's New Rules: Fire the Parents

Friday, Mar 26, 2010

#1493

Late Night From 03/15

"Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care." –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November." –Jay Leno

"It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!" –Jay Leno

"And in his speech to the Export-Import Bank's annual gathering, President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs." –Jay Leno

"Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They're calling her the most dangerous person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger." –Jay Leno

"And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here's the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They'll be foreclosed on and out of there by July." –Jay Leno

"And as part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They're so lifelike, former Congressman Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them." –Jay Leno

"Well, in Toyota's defense, there are allegations that the driver of that runaway Prius in San Diego may have faked it. The guy claims he couldn't stop a runaway Prius? Come on. Tiger Woods's wife stopped a runaway Cadillac Escalade with a 9-iron, O.K.?" –Jay Leno

"Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that's good." –David Letterman

"Well here's something interesting. And I guess this goes with the job. President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, 'Hey, welcome to the club.' ... I said to myself, 'Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.' ... But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney." –David Letterman

"In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the 'No Child Left Behind' law. It will now be called 'The World Needs Janitors, Too.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: 'When's bingo?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you saw this yesterday on 'Meet the Press.' Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a 'kerfuffle.' You thought passing health care was hard; 10 times harder for Brokaw to pronounce 'kerfuffle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter

10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: "Twello?"
8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Enlists Mick Foley To Compare Politics To Professional Wrestling

Saturday, Mar 27, 2010

#1494

Late Night From 03/16

"Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that's embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar." –Jay Leno

"Now, if you're on the freeway, you know how to tell if a Prius next to you is out of control? Here's how you tell. If you look over and the driver's face goes from that smug, 'I'm saving the environment' look, to the frightened, 'get me the hell out of here' look, that's kind of how you know." –Jay Leno

"And I'm sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you're a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again." –Jay Leno

"You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care." –Jay Leno

"In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!" –Jay Leno

"Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, 'You know, I can arrange that.'" –Jay Leno

"She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it's no longer hush money. It's now considered down-the-drain money." –Jay Leno

"Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He's running for Senate re-election. They're campaigning together out there. I thought, yeah, I mean, there's an unbeatable combination." –David Letterman

"You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert on the Texas School Board's Decision to Rewrite History
Jon Stewart Forms His Own Corporation

Sunday, Mar 28, 2010

#1495

Late Night From 03/17

"Today we celebrate Saint Patrick, the guy that drove all of the Toyotas out of Ireland." –Jay Leno

"To celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, President Obama spoke with the wee Dennis Kucinich." –Jay Leno

"Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It's just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat." –Jay Leno

"The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. This could affect nearly two Americans." –Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun." –David Letterman

"Tax time is right around the corner. My accountant says I could save a lot of money if I move the show to the Canary Islands." –David Letterman

"It was a beautiful day here in New York for the Saint Patrick's Day parade — over 60 degrees outside! I guess it's just that old 'Luck o' the Global Warming.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on Teabagggers' Call For Uprising
Stephen Colbert Blasts Bech and Bachmann For Anti-Census Stance

Monday, Mar 29, 2010

#1496

Late Night From 03/18

"Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington." –Jay Leno

"Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he will change his no vote and he will vote yes on health care. Now, I don't want to imply he made a deal, but he announced it at Cleveland's new Airport, which is right next to the Dennis Kucinich Highway and the new Dennis Kucinich Middle School." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama appeared on Fox News to pitch his health care. Obama was on Fox. That's like George W. Bush being on The Learning Channel." –Jay Leno

"And 80-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens said he's considering retirement, either that or playing for the Minnesota Vikings next season." –Jay Leno

"PepsiCo announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools — no more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, 'Leave No Child With a Bigger Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"You guys excited for March Madness? Had some great matchups so far. B.Y.U. versus Florida. Old Dominion versus Notre Dame. Obama versus Fox News." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is pretty cool. One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy, taken more than 40 years ago. It's just him and some kids playing little Barack's favorite school game, 'give the speech.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was a great ballplayer when he was a kid, but naturally, the other team never let him pass anything." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart's Epic Glenn Beck Impression
Colbert Report: Mary Matalin Interview

Tueday, Mar 30, 2010

#1497

Late Night From 03/19

"The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa."–Bill Maher

"People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday." –Bill Maher

"There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?" –Bill Maher

"Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher

"Tomorrow is the first day of spring. This is the time of year when we're reminded that love is like a Toyota; it can't be stopped. If you don't believe me, consider that there is now a vide of John Edwards performing oral sex on Rielle Hunter when she was six month pregnant. Because who doesn't love watching a politician kiss a baby?" –Bill Maher

"The healthcare debate is getting ugly. Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner got into such a heated argument that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections." –Jay Leno

"Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to 'everybody.'" –Jay Leno

"I'm so pumped for this weekend. My friends are coming over. We're gonna pound some beers, paint our faces, and watch the healthcare vote go down on C-SPAN." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democrats are working overtime to get 216 votes to pass healthcare on Sunday. Which means Rahm Emanuel is prowling the showers like the head of a prison gang." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher's New Rules

Wed., Mar 31, 2010

#1498

Late Night From 03/22
Part 1

"According to a new Gallup poll, Congress's approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn't get any bailout money." –Jay Leno

"And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday." –David Letterman

"Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy." –David Letterman

"A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That's the problem." –David Letterman

"And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh." –David Letterman

"President Obama won one of the great — they're calling it — the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years' last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it 'Armageddon.' Personally, I think it's great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of 'Dancing with the Stars.' It's a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. 'I don't think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.' They don't? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Apr 01, 2010

#1499

Late Night From 03/22
Part 2

"A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great." –Jay Leno

"You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn't qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It's got to be worth something." –Jay Leno

"Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?" –Jay Leno

"And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends." –Jay Leno

"And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him." –Jay Leno

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

"And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn't want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, 'Wait a minute, it's no different than flying Southwest.'" –Jay Leno

Friday, Apr 02, 2010

#1500

Late Night From 03/23
Part 2

"This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, 'the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making' that he's seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn't be more savory, in fact. And that's not a liberal or conservative point of view. That's an American statement right there, a fat American statement." –Jimmy Kimmel

"McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That's ridiculous: 38 percent believe he's like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn't even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?" –Craig Ferguson

"No matter what your political party, this week we saw a great American do something many said couldn't be done. That's right. Buzz Aldrin did the cha-cha on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and that was just something." –Jimmy Fallon

"After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. 'I love you. I'm serious. You're the best. You guys are the best.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, 'I got to hit the library,' isn't it? So, it's kind of perfect." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Fallon Counts the Pros and Cons of Health Care Reform
Jon Stewart's Best Tea Bagger Moments

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