Jokes of the day

1301 - 1400

Tueday, Sep 01, 2009

#1301

Late Night From 08/06

"Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'NBC.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season." --Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, 'I have no hard feelings at all,' and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard." --Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Sep 02, 2009

#1302

Late Night From 08/07

"Former President Clinton flew back from North Korea on a private jet accompanied by two beautiful reporters who he rescued from being sent to an all-female prison camp. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. In other words, after years of wasting his time as president, Clinton has finally found his calling. Isn't that nice?" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House was reluctant to send Clinton to North Korea and imposed several conditions on the trip. Yep. First condition was that Clinton travel as a private citizen. Second, that he not negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. And third, he stop calling the trip a 'booty call.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"I can't believe he said this -- on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, 'Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.' Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I'm sorry." -Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"But Obama's getting pissed at this. I don't blame him. He's getting testy. He said, 'If I wanted to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged, I'll ask Joe Biden a yes-or-no question.'" -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home." -Bill Maher

"The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home." -Bill Maher

"I thought also the biggest news flash of the week: Sonia Sotomayor is now on the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her. She will be -- I thought this was interesting -- sworn in on Saturday by Chief Justice John Roberts. And that is progress: a Hispanic woman having a white man come in on Saturday." --Bill Maher

"Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill are in Kiawah Island, South Carolina, for a week-long vacation. That's great. They're saying it's the most relaxing vacation Obama's ever had. And you can tell when Joe Biden's been to the beach. He comes back with braided hair plugs. It's really cute." --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite losing 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5% to 9.4%. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Fallon

"But that small drop's not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he's promised to find Paula Abdul a job." --Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Sep 03, 2009

#1303

Late Night From 08/10

"President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he'd work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he'd work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem." --Conan O'Brien

"No, earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of news this weekend. Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the 111th Supreme Court justice and only the third female in history. This is great. Now, Ruth Bader Ginsburg will finally have a yoga buddy." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"And here's some optimistic news. Kim Jong-Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big enough stepladder." --Jimmy Fallon

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"These are troubled times, and we need a hero, someone unencumbered by politics as usual. Someone who could kill a moose with one hand and skin a bear with the other. Someone without a job. ... Yes! Like a ship slowly appearing over the horizon to an island of castaways, Sarah Palin has arrived with fresh food, clothing and that little box she keeps next to her bed filled with crazy." --Jon Stewart, on Palin accusing Obama of trying to create "death panels" that will kill her baby

"Sarah Palin exposed the shocking truth about Obama's health care plan, saying that the America she knows is not one where her loved ones will 'have to stand in front of Obama's death panel so his bureaucrats can decide ... whether they are worthy of health care.' Bravo, Ms. Palin! That is the most powerful message you've written by throwing a handful of magnetic poetry against the fridge." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, Sep 04, 2009

#1304

Late Night From 08/11

"Yesterday in Africa, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a college student when he asked her a question about her husband's opinion on a certain issue. She got mad. I can understand why she got upset, because the question was, 'Who's hotter? Megan Fox or Eva Longoria?'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, both Clintons, all over the news. While Hillary's in Africa Bill Clinton's in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday, which begs the question why is Bill the one who woke up 10 feet from a goat?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien

"A company in Michigan is trying to make Americans healthier by sending out ice cream trucks stocked only with fruits and vegetables. It's not going so well, because all the trucks have been turned over and burned by angry, fat kids." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Sep 05, 2009

#1305

Late Night From 08/12

"President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, GM announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car's going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's crazy." --Conan O'Brien

"In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you want." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn't have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn't worry though because they've given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck." --Conan O'Brien

"During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same services. He said UPS and FedEx are doing just fine; it's the Post Office that's always having problems. That's probably going to anger some postal workers but what's the worst that could happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"But at the same meeting, he said twice that the AARP supports his healthcare plan, even though the AARP hasn't endorsed it. He's probably thinking of that other senior citizens group. What's the name? Oh, yeah, Congress." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Sep 06, 2009

#1306

Late Night From 08/13

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary's 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, 'I wish she were home.' Then he said, 'By which, I mean, I wish her home was Africa.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Clinton -- have you heard about this? There are two American male hikers and one female hiker imprisoned in Iran. Some people are saying Bill Clinton should go rescue them. When asked about the idea, Clinton said, 'I am one third on it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

"And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for — never." --Jimmy Fallon

"Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: 'I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Sep 07, 2009

#1307

Late Night From 08/14

"Everyone's on vacation right now. President's taking a vacation at this very moment, you hear this? Tomorrow President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park to see Ol' Faithful, isn't that nice? Yea. And meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Ol' Unfaithful." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was in Montana today. That's right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It's true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing." --Conan O'Brien

"An 11-year old boy interviewed President Obama, and the boy asked Obama what to do about bullying. That's right. The response Obama said, 'Shut up, nerd.' And he shoved the kid." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress' child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards' DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher

"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher

"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher

"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers." --Bill Maher

"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher

"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt. When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t. ... It's so annoying when your boss is disobedient." --Bill Maher

"You remember John Edwards? He finally admitted he's the father of his mistress' baby after denying it for over a year. So it's a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Edwards says he's ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra 4 hours a day for him." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fortunately, some good news came out of the whole thing, he agreed to join Bristol Palin on the abstinence tour." --Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Sep 08, 2009

#1308

Late Night From 08/17

"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman

"Oh, man, did you see the PGA Championship over the weekend? Tiger Woods never lost a major when he's been leading, you know, halfway through the dang tournament. And then this kid, Y.E. Yang, comes along and he defeats him. And I felt bad for Tiger. He was upset. He was upset. As a matter of fact, Obama had been watching the contest. He knows that he is upset. So he invited Tiger and Yang to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Did you see Hillary Clinton? There was videotape of her in Africa at a press conference and somebody asks her something and she gets angry. Did you see that? Well, now they're talking to her husband, Bill Clinton, and he says that he had not seen the press conference and had not seen the videotape of the press conference. And I'm thinking, I bet this guy's got a pretty good idea of what Hillary's like when she's angry." --David Letterman

"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman

"And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." --David Letterman

"You know what? It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her." --David Letterman

"I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama's evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called 'Why We Need Health Care Reform' in yesterday's New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. ... Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won't the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-exsisting wrist injury." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Sep 09, 2009

#1309

Late Night From 08/18

"Do you remember the governor of South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford? He told everyone he was going for a hike and in actuality he went to Argentina. Now, his wife says -- and you can't blame her -- that she was so curious about the woman that her husband was having the affair with down there in Argentina, that she googled his mistress. And I thought, wait a minute, that's what got him in trouble, was googling his mistress." --David Letterman

"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman

"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman

"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman

"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman

"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman

"People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to the elderly. Well, you know, it's the same thing ABC does with Regis." --David Letterman

Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President (As Read by Britney Spears)

10. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo.
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My Situation Room would be a cabana at the Palms casino in Las Vegas.
6. I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance 'Circus Fantasy.'
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy.
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me

Thursday, Sep 10, 2009

#1310

Late Night From 08/19

Jon Stewart, answering the question Barney Frank posed to the crazy woman at the town hall asking "on what planet do you spend most of your time?":  "Well, apparently, a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis."

"It's time for Health Care Town Hall Snaps! You better hope Blue Cross doesn't consider 'ugly' a pre-existing condition! Oh, damn! Your mama's so dumb, she thinks the public option is a port-a-potty! Your mama's so old, we're going to get together a panel and euthanize her. No. Sorry that was too real." --Jon Stewart

"How about this? Brett Favre is coming out of retirement and joining the Minnesota Vikings. He's getting $12 million from Minnesota. Talk about cash for clunkers."

"Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton -- 63 years old. And you know, when someone famous like that has a birthday, people think, well, should we get him something? Don't worry about Bill. He's fine. He's doing great. His wife is out of the country most of the time. He couldn't be happier." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting withBarack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Are you despondent and confused about the healthcare issue in this country? Thank God I don't have to worry about health coverage. I'm with CBS. When I die, I get a guest shot on the 'Ghost Whisperer.'" --David Letterman

"But the one drawback — when I get sick, the only doctor I can see is Dr. Phil." --David Letterman

"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"I'd like to apologize for that joke." --David Letterman

Friday, Sep 11, 2009

#1311

Late Night From 08/20

"Ladies and gentlemen, before I came out here, I got some early results from the Afghanistanian election. And this just in, apparently Al Franken is ahead." --David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Afghanistan election? Well, don't get too excited because there's already reports of irregularities in Broward and Dade County." --David Letterman

"The current Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, is opposed by the Taliban. You know the Taliban? Over here, the Taliban, we call them healthcare protestors." --David Letterman

"You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel? I mean, come on." --David Letterman

"How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he's playing for the Minnesota Vikings. And it's not easy. I'm not saying he's old, but he's getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel." --David Letterman

"They did this survey of money down there in Washington, D.C. I'm talking about cash money. And they found that 90% of all of our currency has traces of the drug cocaine on it. Yeah. And I said, 'Well no wonder Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is so crazy!'" --David Letterman

"Here's something else came to us from a new survey. You folks like to eat fish? You enjoy seafood? Boy, I do. When they got done testing money in Washington, they tested fish in the United States. And they found out that every single fish in the test contained mercury. Jeremy Piven said, 'Well who's laughing now?'" --David Letterman

"Wait a minute, hey. What is this, an audience or a death panel?" --David Letterman

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman

Saturday, Sep 12, 2009

#1312

Late Night From 08/21

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"But have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I'll turn into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable." --David Letterman

"Speaking of death panels, Dick Cheney said, 'Death panels! Count me in!'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'" --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren't speaking. They got into a fight and they weren't speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman

"Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that's why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions." --Bill Maher

"And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes." --Bill Maher

"And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth." --Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

"And they're also bringing guns to events with the president of the United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There was a guy -- and it was a black guy -- holding a big assault rifle, which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency. Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry." --Bill Maher

"But the president, he always stays cool. He's starting his vacation and going to Martha's Vineyard on Sunday with the family, renting an estate that costs $30,000 a week. Republicans are saying that makes him seem aloof and uncaring. And that is their job!" --Bill Maher

"But it's his first week-long vacation that he's had since he became president, which is quite a contrast with George Bush. Because George Bush, during his first eight years in office, he was on vacation a grand total of eight years." --Bill Maher

Sunday, Sep 13, 2009

#1313

Late Night From 08/24

"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Clinton, this is weird. Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs. Experts are calling it the 500th reason President Clinton shouldn't be allowed to have a bed in his office." --Conan O'Brien

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, 'cash for clunkers' ended today. But they're coming out with a new 'cash for clunkers' program that will give consumers a rebate when they trade in old home appliances. Have you heard that? It's great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven." --Conan O'Brien

"There's talk that the elections last week in Afghanistan were rigged. Boy, I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"Couple of years ago down in Cuba, Fidel Castro they thought, oh, he might be dying because he had some kind of surgery and he is an older fellow, in is 80s. But now, over the weekend, it's all Fidel Castro. He is everywhere. And he was on television. He looked fit. He looked healthy. He looked happy. He was so impressive, as a matter of fact, CIA is actually thinking of sending Squeaky Fromme down there to take a shot at him." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Earlier today, you know, bound to happen, awkward moment. He is out on the beach, runs into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector." --David Letterman

"But President Obama says he's going to play golf, he's going to swim, and he's going to work his way through the Julia Child cookbook." --David Letterman

"But Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!" --David Letterman

"But Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman

"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

"Anybody take advantage of the government's 'cash for clunkers' program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs President Obama Needs A Vacation

10. Last week's radio address was ten minutes of snoring.
9. Switched from beer summits to tequila summits.
8. Asked CIA director what we're doing about terrorist organization "Al-Pacino."
7. Staffers often find him on White House roof meowing like a kitty.
6. Announced he's sending an elite military unit to kill Hitler.
5. Lately, he's been fist-bumping staffers in the face.
4. Asked for the number of Rush Limbaugh's OxyContin guy.
3. Called Bush for advice on sneaking naps during intelligence briefings.
2. Been babbling nonsense about government death panels -- wait, that's a sign Sarah Palin needs a vacation.
1. Barely has the energy to smoke

Monday, Sep 14, 2009

#1314

Late Night From 08/25

"You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what's going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there's now charges of election irregularities. I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul." --David Letterman

"But one of the guys on the ballot is a candidate named Abdullah Abdullah. He had what I thought was a great campaign slogan if you're running for office in Afghanistan. You know the slogan? It's 'Is your goat better off today than it was four years ago?'" --David Letterman

"When you're President of the United States, you don't get a vacation, you don't get time off, it's around the clock, 365 — For example, today, President Obama had to interrupt his vacation to announce the appointment once again of Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke. In order to keep him, they promised to give him the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman

"But if you remember, the chairman of the Fed used to be Alan Greenspan, and then in 2006, I think Ben Bernanke replaced him after Greenspan got in trouble for organizing dogfights. Do you remember that?" --David Letterman

"President Obama, I found out about an hour ago, they're saying, took five books with him on vacation. … Of course, President Bush took five books on his vacation, but four of them were backup copies of 'Goodnight Moon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House is denying rumors that President Obama has plans to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, although Obama is planning to ask Tiger Woods if the government can borrow $300 trillion." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

Tueday, Sep 15, 2009

#1315

Late Night From 08/26

"Boy, it's hot in New York City today, huh? I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, OK, OK, go ahead and pull the plug on the old folks, just don't pull the plug on the air conditioner." --David Letterman

"Here's the way it stands now. Hamid Karzai is leading in the election and he picked up a lot of swing voters, they said, in the Afghanistan elections, because of his No Infidel Left Behind program." --David Letterman

"One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah." --David Letterman

"Boy oh, boy, they got a new memo from the CIA talking about torture activities. Don't you love that kind of stuff? It's scary, isn't it, that we live in a world where torture takes place? You know. Yeah, go to lunch with Regis. As soon as that check arrives, he's in the men's room. Sick of that trick." --David Letterman

"Here's the approved CIA torture methods: sleep deprivation; waterboarding; face slapping. Sounds like attending a Donald trump real estate seminar, or watching a Ben Bernanke confirmation hearing." --David Letterman

"Anyway, he's being re-nominated for the Federal Reserve chairman. And I'm already planning my big Ben Bernanke Party." --David Letterman

"I like Ben Bernanke. He looks like the guy who OK's your check at Kroger." --David Letterman

"He looks like every guy at your high school reunion." --David Letterman

"He looks like a porn kingpin. That's it. Ben Bernanke, that's what he looks like." --David Letterman

"The Obamas taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. When something like that happens, it's like a big deal for the community. And people on Martha's Vineyard are going crazy and they're buying Obama T-shirts, they're buying Obama mugs, they're buying Obama caps. The only thing they're not buying is Obama's health-care plan."

"Obama has a great money-saving idea for health care. Here's what he's saying — if you need an X-ray and you don't have the money or you don't have proper health coverage and you need that X-ray, just drop by an airport, go right through the scanner. They'll send you the results." --David Letterman

"But on Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn't look so bad." --David Letterman

"This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California's deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you're looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan. And President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently, his campaign slogan is, 'The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.'" --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has announced it's going to be removing its GM 'Mark of Excellence' logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn't usually have to be removed because after 50 miles, it just falls off." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Sep 16, 2009

#1316

Late Night From 08/27

"Obama family vacationing on Martha's Vineyard and Obama has been mostly relaxing with just a little bit of work. And you know, that sounds like George Bush's entire eight years." --David Letterman

"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." --David Letterman

"John McCain is out there in Arizona. He had a town hall meeting and you know these town hall meetings. Have you been watching? They've got out of hand completely. There's one old guy, had a gun rack on his walker, honestly." --David Letterman

"McCain at one point had to have a crazy woman removed by security at one of these town hall meetings. And I'm thinking, jeez, he should have done that a year ago." --David Letterman

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China." --David Letterman

"Bernanke looks like a guy you see at the airport holding a sign that reads 'Dr. Rothman.' He looks like a guy who ran a Madoff feeder fund. He looks like a personal physician to a pop star. He looks like a medical examiner on 'Kojak.'" --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, here's an example of why we're all screwed. You know the stimulus checks that the government's sending out? Thousands of these stimulus checks have been sent to prison inmates. Well, I'm pretty sure they'll give 'em back. I mean, if you can't trust a con who -- I mean, seriously." --David Letterman

"It's all part of Obama's new 'Cash for Convicts' program." --David Letterman

"The good news is the checks arrived today, just in time for the big dance on Saturday." --David Letterman

"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it, enhanced interrogation technique. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman

"President Obama's enjoying himself. He's having his vacation in Martha's Vineyard all week. So far — this is what the news says — so far, he's played tennis, golf; he's gone swimming. Now it's rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. It's true. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Sep 17, 2009

#1317

Late Night From 08/28

"Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It's incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading 'Everybody Poops.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Health care debate, of course, still rages. John McCain in the middle of the debate now. Earlier this week, in a television interview, John McCain said he has never experienced anything like the current debate on health care. Then McCain turned to the camera and said, 'I've also never experienced anything like the rich, bold flavor of lemon zest Metamucil.'" --Conan O'Brien

"California is trying very hard to get out of debt. I can't believe this. The government of California is holding a garage sale to raise money for the state. A garage sale, ladies and gentlemen. Now, folks, even if you don't really need anything, this may be your only chance to haggle with Governor Schwarzenegger over a $2 spatula." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

"The Obama family is taking a vacation up there in Martha's Vineyard, it is a good time for the president to take a vacation, I think. I mean, everything is fixed, right? Why not knock off? And they are talking about Obama may play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. That is a little different than President Clinton on vacation, he just liked to play around." --David Letterman

"Celebrity birthdays, happy birthday John McCain, 73 years old tomorrow. And if you are looking for a gift, you can't go wrong with something from the Very Old Navy." --David Letterman

"McCain has had a tremendous career, ran for president, Sarah Palin was his running mate for vice president, and now, and now I don't know, he is at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the Show Has Changed Since 1993

10. Now do the bulk of my drinking after the show.
9. People used to pretend to like me. Now they pretend to tolerate me.
8. Global warming has raised theater temperature to 38 degrees.
7. I lost 280 pounds with Deal-a-Meal.
6. Crazy lady we used to piss off: Madonna. Now crazy lady we piss off: Sarah Palin.
5. Audience is here to see if I drop dead on stage.
4. Dwindling amount of hate mail; burgeoning amount of hate e-mail.
3. Every ten minutes someone is dropping a flashlight.
2 .Used to talk with sexiest women in the world. Now I interview Artie Lange.
1. Emmy Awards replaced with Fire Dave rallies

Friday, Sep 18, 2009

#1318

Late Night From 08/31

"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He's out there. He's upset. He's attacking people. He's shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman

"But Cheney says he won't cooperate with the prisoner abuse program probe. The only way we cooperate is if he tortures himself into talking. And he said, 'I'm not going to do that.'" --David Letterman

"Cheney accused Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman

"There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. As a matter of fact, Governor Sanford, because of the minor earthquake, was actually knocked on to his wife." --David Letterman

"And you know, now they're talking that Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair. And today, he was made an honorary Democrat, so congratulations." --David Letterman

"Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had the daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen this. Jenna Bush -- talk about a great gig -- is going to be on the 'Today' show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. They can't get enough." --David Letterman

"And I just hope she has her father's facility with words. That would be nice." --David Letterman

"They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and his family took a vacation on Martha's vineyard and they're back. And the President now has asked all of the major networks for some air time tomorrow night to show his vacation photos." --David Letterman

"But now here's the deal. When are you a president, you can't do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance." --David Letterman

"I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman

"Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien

"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"Big announcement at NBC. George Bush's daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the 'Today' show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober." --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she'll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she's thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Irritate Dick Cheney

10. Try to talk to him before he's had his morning heart attack
9. Don't have weapons of mass destruction he keeps saying you had
8. Reveal plot spoilers before he's had a chance to watch "Gossip Girl"
7. Leave the lights on in the dungeon -- "You think I'm made of money?!?!"
6. "Accidentally" throw out tub of Crisco he was saving for lunch
5. Call him "Ricky"
4. Beat him in sneering contest
3. Replace Lipitor with refreshing Mentos
2. At dinner ask, "Who's got a good hunting accident story?"
1. Irritate Cheney? No, he's a pretty laid back dude

Saturday, Sep 19, 2009

#1319

Late Night From 09/01

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien

"A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the healthcare debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. It wasn't a political meeting. It was McCain's annual checkup." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, we went through this last year. Now they're saying that the swine flu this year could be even worse. They've got to stop the spread of the swine flu so there's a school in Long Island that is banning touching. No touching. Sounds like my honeymoon." --David Letterman

"Hey, you know who's back in town? Eliot Spitzer. Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he's going to run for governor again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family." --David Letterman

"Do you remember Governor Eliot Spitzer, the guy who pioneered the 'Cash for Hookers' program?" --David Letterman

"Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45 percent, mainly because of this healthcare thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour." --Jimmy Fallon

"In preparation for the swine flu outbreak, colleges all over the country are warning students to avoid kissing, drinking games, and using drugs. College students have reacted to the news by immediately getting the swine flu." --Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you remember. We threw Gray Davis, the former governor, out of the office because he wasn't running the state effectively enough. Now, we're burning to the ground and holding garage sales on eBay to pay our bills. This is what we get for hiring cheap foreign labor." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, in New York, Governor David Paterson has been busy for the last couple of weeks trying to shave off his beard. And he did it. He did it with Gillette's new Seeing Eye Razor." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This makes Governor Paterson the first governor to get rid of his beard since former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey filed for divorce back in, I think, '06." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's great day for America, everybody. I'll tell you why. Because, as of today in the state of Vermont, as of today, no going back now, same-sex marriage is legal in Vermont. It is only a matter of time before Ben marries Jerry." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know that some politicians are seriously suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president. These politicians are called 'Democrats.'" --Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Sep 20, 2009

#1320

Late Night From 09/02

"The swine flu just is bad. And everybody's worried about it. As a matter of fact, former Vice President Dick Cheney is so concerned about swine flu that today he fried his bacon in Purell." --David Letterman

"I like that Cheney. In eight years as Vice President, the only thing we knew about Dick Cheney was he was always in an undisclosed location. That and he shot his buddy in the face." --David Letterman

"But now, he can't keep his mouth closed, and he's talking about he's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can't stand it. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster." --David Letterman

"Cheney says that the CIA torture probe is a terrible idea and should never have been authorized. You mean like the war in Iraq? You mean like that, Dick?" --David Letterman

"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen -- Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I'm telling you, the comedy recession is over." --David Letterman

"He's talking about running for governor again, although Eliot says he won't make a decision without consulting his wife. I remember when he used to make quite a few decisions without consulting his wife." --David Letterman

"It looks like they're starting to get the wildfires under control. Firefighters in the LA area have been working nonstop all week long. And this morning -- this is very nice -- this morning, as a reward, Governor Schwarzenegger personally served them breakfast. Unfortunately, due to the California's budget crisis, he was forced to charge them $12.99 each." --Conan O'Brien

"Big election scandal in Afghanistan. The loser of the Afghanistan presidential election, a man named Abdullah Abdullah, is claiming that the winner, Hamid Karzai, artificially inflated his number of votes. In response, Karzai is claiming that Abdullah Abdullah artificially inflated his number of Abdullahs." --Conan O'Brien

"State Department's conducting a big investigation into a wild party thrown at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan. Of course, in Afghanistan, a wild party is any event where a girl takes her socks off." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo's poop is one of the highlights of his day. The interview was published in 'The Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien

"Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on another vacation to Camp David. Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer started work as a professor at New York City College, where he will teach a three-hour long political science class. Last time he did something for three hours, it cost him, like, 15 grand." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new study from the University of Maryland finds that swine flu easily overtakes other strains of the flu. And you know it's bad when the bird flu is worried about the swine flu." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Dumb Guys Tips to Combat the Swine Flu

10. Give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C and plenty of liquids.
9. Let President Nixon figure it out.
8. Be extra vigilant when shopping at Piggly Wiggly.
7. Tax cuts for the rich.
6. Forget swine flu, you should be worried about the Obama death panels.
5. Lock yourself in Y2K bunker.
4. Spray your pork chops with Lysol.
3. Initiate talks with the leader of the pigs, see if we can't work this out.
2. If you see a pig, run!
1. Those microscopic germs don't stand a chance against Dr. Jack Daniels

Monday, Sep 21, 2009

#1321

Late Night From 09/03

"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman

"There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do … was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. … Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this. None of my business. Whatever you want. Live and let live, that's my motto." --David Letterman

"But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see Russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. She's very excited because she thinks that China is a red state." --David Letterman

"Remember the two Asian-American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton. Well, they have finally written about their ordeal. The two of them said they were frightened, mistreated, and violated, and then someone told Clinton to leave them alone." --Conan O'Brien

"The healthcare debate is getting crazily intense. Yesterday during a healthcare protest, a fight broke out and a man got his finger bitten off. That's true. No one knows who started, but there's been an awful lot of stub pointing." --Conan O'Brien

Tueday, Sep 22, 2009

#1322

Late Night From 09/04

"Next Tuesday -- a lot of people talking about this -- President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama 'Best President Ever.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

"Some Republicans are saying they want Dick Cheney, that's right, Dick Cheney, to run for president in 2012. Of course, you have to remember that when they said this, Cheney was torturing them." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden's latest video repeatedly calls for 'death to Bobby Brown.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. China has started an educational exchange program that's sending 23 high school students to schools in Detroit. Once in Detroit, the students will exchange cultural ideas, social theories and gunfire." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, you know who's coming to town next month? Have any idea? Dictator of Libya, Muammar Qaddafi. Thank you, travelocity.com." --David Letterman

"I'm glad Muammar Qaddafi will be here because for once I won't be the most hated man in New York City." --David Letterman

"Qaddafi was going to rent -- this is crazy -- Joan Rivers' apartment in Manhattan. But the deal fell through at the last minute. Coincidentally, so did Joan's face." --David Letterman

"Labor day weekend. Remember Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska? She's having a big cookout for all her family, all of her friends up there in Alaska. And people say, 'Is she any good? Can she cook?' Remember last year she cooked John McCain's goose? Remember that? Tremendous!" --David Letterman

"And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house." --David Letterman

"Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they're getting Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"But the former governor's getting ready for her trip. She's reading all the Chinese menus she can get her hands on." --David Letterman

"She's going to do her best to promote capitalism while she's in Hong Kong, and then I guess in the end of the trip, she'll be riding around in helicopters, shooting pandas." --David Letterman

"It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He's getting ready for a speech he's giving to schoolchildren tomorrow. And he said he wants the speech to be at third grade level, so he tested it on Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"There's a big brouhaha going on at the Venice Film Festival, because the guests this year include Michael Moore and the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. That was the guy that called George Bush 'El Diablo.' Now, people are saying that the festival shouldn't have invited that crazy America-hating lunatic, or Hugo Chavez." --Craig Ferguson

"Labor Day is Monday. Labor Day, of course, is the day that we set aside to remember when people used to have jobs." --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite the announcement today that the unemployment hit 9.7%, Joe Biden said that the recovery is more than we had hoped. And when asked to clarify, Biden said, 'Well, we had hoped that unemployment would only be about 5%, and now it is 9.7%. So, that's more than we had hoped.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will be featured in four health magazines this fall to help promote his healthcare proposal. Obama even wrote an article for one of the magazines. It's called 'Smoke Your Way To Sexy Abs.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, there's a lot of buzz about who is going to replace Diane Sawyer on 'Good Morning America.' Sarah Palin has expressed interest. She said, 'I'd be honored to quit that job.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I want to say happy Labor Day weekend. I hope you have a job to be off from on Monday." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The economy getting worse. The Department of Labor today announced that unemployment is at a 26-year high of 9.7%, making this the most ironic Labor Day since 1983." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Crazy. There are 15 million unemployed people in America and Michael Vick isn't one of them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is asking Americans to drive safely and not consume too much alcohol this Labor Day weekend. Boy, he really is just like Hitler, isn't he?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Sep 23, 2009

#1323

Late Night From 09/08

"Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America's schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn't work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama told them, this is a quote, 'Be careful what you post on Facebook.' That's what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history -- he was asked this -- he said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi. That's right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, very good answer. Yeah. Yeah, Obama says he picked Gandhi because he'd get to eat two entrees." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama addressed the United States schoolchildren. He had like a speech and it went right to the classes and the kids. Then I thought, wait a minute. He might be trying a little too hard. You know what I'm talking about? At the end he invited all the kids to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"A lot of people were upset. They said that Obama was going to get in there in the schoolrooms and start brainwashing the kids. At first I was skeptical. But I was talking to my son after he came home from school today. Honest to God, he said, 'Must have socialized medicine.'" --David Letterman

"Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don't think so." --David Letterman

"The President also told the kids that sleep is very important because it helps the development of the brain. Sleep very important. That's what the President said. He told the kids sleep is so important that they should go to bed right after Jay." --David Letterman

"Labor Day is the great American holiday where we honor American workers by going out and buying products made in China." --David Letterman

"Former President Bush learned a great deal, a lot of things from Tony Blair. Cheeky. He learned about cheeky. He learned the word fortnight. Learned bangers and mash. And Blair learned some things from George W. Bush. Oops. Uh-oh. Dang." --David Letterman

"There's rumors that Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney, may run for president in 2012. 2012. No, no. That's his cholesterol." --David Letterman

"They said to Dick Cheney, really, seriously, why would you think about after eight years as Vice President, why would you think about running for president? Cheney said, 'Well, I still get a kick out of starting wars.'" --David Letterman

"I remember when the Obamas first moved in and the Bush girls were giving the Obama girls a tour of the White House. And the little girls got scared because they heard the organ music coming from Dick Cheney's underground dungeon." --David Letterman

"During his speech to American school children earlier today, President Obama said that what you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. But no pressure." --Jimmy Fallon

"The President also said that kids -- he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, 'But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Some Republicans were so mad about Obama's speech to schoolchildren, they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker." --Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Sep 24, 2009

#1324

Late Night From 09/09

"President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, when President Obama addressed the country's schoolchildren, he told them to stop dreaming about becoming professional athletes. In fact, it was the same exact speech Obama gave last year to the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"Florida's Republican governor, Charlie Crist, got a hold of President Obama's speech to students in advance, because everyone was talking about how controversial it might be. He decided there was nothing partisan and he allowed his kids to watch it. Of course, like everyone else in Florida, Crist's kids are in their late 60s." --Conan O'Brien

"The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think welcome foreigners, it's Dick Cheney and Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"At a press conference this week, NASA made a big announcement. They announced that they've created a magnetic device that can levitate mice. NASA's spokesperson said, 'If you don't let us go to Mars, this is the kind of stupid crap we're going to do.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's kind of an interesting deal. This is the sort of thing that happens only in the United States and I guess we're happy about that. You go onto the eBay, and you can bid on having dinner. You fly to Alaska and have dinner with the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. And the bidding starts at $25,000. I know a lot of people think that's a pretty steep price to pay but you get an appetizer, you get entrée, and ammo. So, not that bad." --David Letterman

"And for an extra $1,000, she'll treat you like John McCain and cut up your meat." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin, very serious now she's out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama's health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden." --David Letterman

"And how about Dick Cheney? Remember when Dick Cheney was Vice President for eight years and you never heard anything out of Dick Cheney? Here's what we knew about Dick Cheney. Always at an undisclosed location and the other thing is he shot his buddy in the face; those are the only two things we knew about Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep him quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

"Cheney's got a great campaign slogan. It says, 'Are you better off now than you were four heart attacks ago?'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, you know, this was a big stink about this. President Obama spoke to the kids, the school kids, and people were upset. They said, 'Hey, whoa, no!' They were upset that he was going to somehow -- that it would be some sort of political thing, he was trying to brainwash the kids. Here's what he said. He said to the kids, 'Hey, kids' -- that's how he opened -- 'work hard, get good grades, be constructive members of society.' Well, that Commie. Come on, what's he trying to pull? What's going on here?" --David Letterman

"Then, earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because apparently her Botox is covered, so that's good." --David Letterman

"And also under the healthcare plan, pop stars will still be able to choose their own creepy personal physicians. So that'll be good." --David Letterman

"But Obama's been trying to pass a healthcare plan. Meanwhile, John McCain is trying to pass a kidney stone." --David Letterman

"President Obama gave his big pitch to a joint session of Congress tonight. A joint session of Congress is very rare. It's when the House and Senate get baked out of their minds and have a session of Congress." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see president Obama's address to Congress? It was on earlier tonight. It must have gone well because NBC is going to run it five nights a week. You know that's a sign of success." --Craig Ferguson

"It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama's healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of 'So You Think You Can Dance.' I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what's wrong with our country and watching what's wrong with our country." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fox aired 'So You Think You Can Dance' and 'Glee.' So, you'll probably spend the next couple of days explaining the healthcare plan to your gay friends." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave his speech before a joint session of Congress, and college students across the country held a joint session before watching it." --Jimmy Fallon

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. Cheney is planning on attending. He's going to take part in the ceremonial ribbon shooting." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Dick Cheney Center for International Students. It's just two buildings over from the George W. Bush Institute for Pretzel Safety." --Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Sep 25, 2009

#1325

Late Night From 09/10

"I am not getting on Congressman Wilson's case for disagreeing with the president...Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to a joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama, of course, is not the first president to have 'you lie' yelled at him. Bill Clinton got that all the time, but only from Hillary. And that was only after he came home and told her he lost his pants in a tornado." –Craig Ferguson

"Back when George Bush was president, Democrats in Congress, to be fair, would occasionally go 'Boooo!' But President Bush never took it personally, he just thought Congress was haunted." --Craig Ferguson

"After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. But even Vice President Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson

"During President Obama's speech, a congressmanheckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman

"John McCain, here's a guy who's seen it all, he was shocked. He said he hasn't seen anything like this since Aaron Burr heckled Alexander Hamilton." --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, also shocked. At least that's what she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Even his fellow Republicans were horrified. He apologized immediately after the speech. He said he was watching 'Gossip Girl' on his iPod, and that Blair such a bitch he just couldn't hold it in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's apology, and then invited him to appear before a death panel." –Conan O'Brien

"During last night's health care speech, President Obama's told Republicans that the time for games has passed. Obama had to say that because most Republicans were on their BlackBerrys playing Brick Breaker." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, he's still going, President Obama gave another speech about health care. This one to a roomful of nurses. Yeah. Still no word on what Bill Clinton was doing there." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Florida Senator Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. Yeah. The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him, and then had him deported." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody is talking about the big health speech last night. In his speech, President Obama said that he will not sign a health-care plan that adds one dime to the Federal deficit. And then he interrupted himself and said, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The President said that he wants to bring affordable health-care insurance to every American. Joe Biden got really excited. He thought he was finally going to meet the Geico gecko." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Joe Wilson Excuses

10. "Shouldn't have gone tailgating before the speech"
9. "Ashton Kutcher put me up to it"
8. "Was trying to impress that hellcat Nancy Pelosi"
7. "Thought I was in the audience at Maury"
6. "Uh...Swine Flu?"
5. "I'm an idiot?"
4. "Yeah, I accused a politician of lying. What was I thinking?"
3. "I thought it was a roast"
2. "It's been weeks since a Republican politician embarrassed the state of South Carolina"
1. "Nobody cared when McCain yelled, 'Bingo!'"

Saturday, Sep 26, 2009

#1326

Late Night From 09/11

"Obama gave his health care speech before Congress, and he was in a mood. He called out some of the liars who have been lying about his plan. And he also said a lot of the opposition to this plan comes from ill-informed crazy people. And to prove it, a sh**kicker named Joe Wilson from South Carolina, this a**hole with Tourette's syndrome, screams out 'You lie!'" --Bill Maher

"You know, I know the president is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo." --Bill Maher

"I thought Obama handled the heckler well. He came with the old, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the lobbyist out of your mouth.'" –Bill Maher

"This is unprecedented. This does not go on in the halls of Congress when the president is speaking. Everyone was shocked. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed." –Bill Maher

"But to be fair, the next day Joe Wilson apologized, he said he didn't me to say 'You Lie." He said he mean to say 'Go back to Africa.'" --Bill Maher

"What's so ironic is that the health care plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs." --Bill Maher

"Even though in his speech, Obama said, 'You lie, I'm not going to kill old people,' the next day Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to go." --Bill Maher

"It's the 8th anniversary of 9/11, and Americans today stopped doing whatever they were doing to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news." --Bill Maher

"At the world trade center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything." --Bill Maher

"This is the week that president gave his big health care speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children." --Bill Maher

"The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pu**ies. When Van Jones called the Republicans a**holes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen."--Bill Maher

"Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy." --Bill Maher

"Today one of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled the president, 'a pimple on the ass of progress.' That's true. Yeah, then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered under Obama's health care plan." --Conan O'Brien

"The president keeping busy. Yesterday, at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. Yeah, when asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, 'What black man from Hawaii doesn't?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, remember those female journalists that were rescued by President Clinton? Well, one of the female journalists freed from North Korea said she's surprised, 'cause former President Clinton has repeatedly called to check up on her. That's true. Yeah. Even more surprising, the calls are coming from inside her house." --Conan O'Brien

"You can have dinner with Sarah Palin. They're auctioning it off. Have you heard of it? And the starting bid are $25,000. And this could be exciting. And they say now, unofficially, that for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course." -David Letterman

"The winning bidder gets to have dinner with Sarah Palin. ... Dinner with Sarah Palin. I mean, talk about a bridge to nowhere. I mean, my God!" --David Letterman

"President Obama is continuing to push hard for his health care plan. On Sunday night, Obama will be interviewed on '60 Minutes,' or as he calls it, 'the death panel.' 32.1 million people watched President Obama's speech to Congress Wednesday, down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress. But to improve ratings for the next one, Obama will replace Nancy Pelosi with Ellen." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Sep 27, 2009

#1327

Late Night From 09/14

"Been a busy week for President Obama. I notice that he's having Kanye West and Taylor Swift to the White House for a 'root beer summit' this weekend. See, she's only 19. So, it's got to be root beer." --Jay Leno

"Well, people are still talking about last week when President Obama gave his speech on healthcare and that Republican congressman yelled out, 'You lie!' He yelled out, 'You lie!' to the President. So, at least the two sides are talking. You know, and that's good. There's dialogue." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden really upset about President Obama being interrupted. He said, 'Hey, that's my job.'" --Jay Leno

"The President spoke about some of the scare tactics that are being used to fight healthcare reform. And I tell you, some of them are pretty scary. Like, have you seen this new commercial where this older couple gets mailed a box from Liberty Medical and it's got Wilford Brimley's head in it? Have you seen that one?" --Jay Leno

"Yet another family values Republican has been caught in a sex scandal. I love this story: This time, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (the guy is married) was caught on tape bragging having sex with two different lobbyists. A politician having sex with two lobbyists. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I believe that's a total of 3 whores, right?" --Jay Leno

"And while we were off, the government started this program that gives people money for their old cars. I made $5 billion." --Jay Leno

"Oh, hey, and the University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"And according to the Wall Street Journal, Wal-Mart will now pay its workers in the United States electronically. I mean, it'll still be in pesos, but electronic." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audio recording slamming the President, America, Israel and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Then at the end, when he's really worked up, he yells, 'And Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, you all saw this. This is what I'm talking about. Kayne West at the Video Music Awards. Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, of course, hard at work, traveling the country, selling his healthcare plan. He's going everywhere. This weekend, in Minnesota, President Obama spoke about healthcare reform, and he warned Americans not to be tricked by scare tactics. Then someone yelled out, 'What do you call sending a black man to Minnesota?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape, where he calls President Obama powerless in the war in Afghanistan. Well, that was the first six minutes. He gave Taylor Swift the last five to finish her acceptance speech." --Jimmy Fallon

"This Saturday in Washington, over 70,000 people protested because they think President Obama is trying to shove government healthcare down their throats; also known as the 'Serena Williams option.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Sep 28, 2009

#1328

Late Night From 09/15

"This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing will not go away. Even former President Bush spoke out about it today. He said, 'Kanye West doesn't care about white people.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York City, President Obama gave a tough speech to the Wall Street Executives. See, Wall Street is considered a safe place for Obama. You see, on Wall Street, if someone yells out 'you lie,' you could be talking to anybody." --Jay Leno

"And folks, they are doing it again. It's being reported that Goldman Sachs gave out $11 billion in bonuses. But they told their executives to be discreet with their money. What do you mean their money? It's our money!" --Jay Leno

"According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." --Conan O'Brien

"He's going to get healthcare passed on that slogan alone. 'I'll vote for it. He is a jackass!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, 'Remember, if Hillary asks, we had lunch and dinner, then I slept over at your place.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know, President Obama is pushing so hard for healthcare, he's going to appear on an unprecedented five shows this Sunday. What's strange is, two of them are 'Entourage' and 'Family Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new book that's coming out about former President George W. Bush said that Bush once called Barack Obama 'a cat' with 'no clue.' Of course that was back when Bush's speeches were written by jazz legend Wynton Marsalis." --Conan O'Brien

"A group of musicians that includes Khalil Fong, the Scorpions, and Youssou N'Dour are recording a song in an effort to raise awareness of global warming. First, they have to raise awareness about who those musicians are." --Conan O'Brien

"Even the President is talking about Kanye West. Did you hear about this? In an off the record remark recorded by ABC, Obama said that Kanye West was a quote, unquote, 'jackass.' In even bigger news, ABC doesn't understand the meaning of the phrase 'quote, unquote, off the record.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Kanye was pretty hurt when he heard the President called him a 'jackass.' But then Joe Biden said, 'Ah, you get used to it.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is on a media campaign for his healthcare program. He'll appear this Sunday on 'This Week,' 'Meet the Press,' 'Face the Nation,' CNN's 'State of the Union,' and 'Univision.' Meanwhile, Vice President Biden will find out if he's the father on 'Maury Povich.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The President says he's also going to appear on 'David Letterman' next Monday night. That's great for David. The best we could get was the guy from the free credit report commercial." --Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Sep 29, 2009

#1329

Late Night From 09/16

"Well, here's a story that won't go away. Congressman Joe Wilson has refused Democrats' demand to apologize to Congress on the House floor, to which Kanye West said, 'I'll do it. That's okay, I'll do it.'' --Jay Leno

"Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush said, 'Hey, where were these rules when I was President?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won't be anybody in the building." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another new audiotape. See, they're audiotapes. I don't think he quite gets the Twitter thing. He can't — he doesn't have the opposable thumb, I guess." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. Here's some good terrorist gossip. According to a Sudanese novelist who once lived with Osama bin Laden for four months, Osama bin Laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan which is surprising. I mean, considering the way those people treat women, you'd think he'd be a bigger Bobby Brown fan." --Jay Leno

"And a year after the economy collapsed, Goldman Sachs executives gave each other over $11 billion in bonuses. See, what gets me, whenever these Wall Street guys get these huge bonuses they always spend it on something useless, like Senator Chris Dodd. Buy a boat! Get a car." --Jay Leno

"They always do this when there's a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter." --Jay Leno

"And in honor of gay marriage now being legal in the state of Vermont, Ben & Jerry's is now selling 'Hubby Hubby' ice cream. You know, if you want to name an ice cream after gay marriage, why not just call it 'Ben & Jerry's?'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, you know President Obama yesterday created quite a stir, because he apparently called Kanye West a jackass. Yeah, well, some people are now upset with President Obama for calling Kanye a jackass. They're upset about it. Yeah, and Joe Biden is furious, because 'Jackass' is his Secret Service code name.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, 'You lie!' if they could get hit with a folding chair." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, 'I can't get mad at Jimmy Carter. He's white.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, 'Kanye.'" --Jimmy Fallon

'Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is 'very likely' that the recession is over. I hope this isn't like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.' –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Sep 30, 2009

#1330

Late Night From 09/17

"Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession is over. You know, where is that 'You lie!' guy when you need him?" --Jay Leno

"You know, they used to say a recession was when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression was when you lost your job. You probably heard this, right? See, now, a recession is when Wall Street guys get bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it." --Jay Leno

"Senator Max Baucus has unveiled his health-care reform bill. It will require that every single American obtain health insurance. Well, let's hope it works out as well as that California law that says that everybody has to have car insurance. O.K., what happened to that one?" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and of course, there's that big scandal with A-porn, I mean Acorn. They're an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now, they're in a lot of trouble. It seems these two filmmakers went to Acorn's office posing as a pimp and a prostitute, saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. And Acorn workers gave them advice on how to get away with prostitution and how to avoid paying taxes. See, here's my question. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, go to Congress. These are the professionals. These are the people that know." --Jay Leno

"Big story. Earlier today, President Obama said that he's dropping President Bush's plan for a missile defense shield. Obama is also dropping President Bush's plan to build an elite army of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots." --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate just passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns in their checked luggage. However, folks, Greyhound passengers are still not allowed to carry deodorant." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, what else is going on? Former Vice President Dick Cheney underwent minor surgery on his back. The doctor told Cheney it's a simple operation, he'd be up and having heart surgery in no time." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain. And do you know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot it right in his face." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new Nielsen survey found that Washington, D.C., has the most 25- to 34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. Yeah, and they're called hookers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down as the CE. of World Wrestling Entertainment to run for the Senate in Connecticut. Things are going well for her. She's already raised a ton of campaign money from the folding chair industry." --Jimmy Fallon

"She's promising to lower taxes, reduce government, and pile-drive the Iron Sheik." --Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Oct 01, 2009

#1331

Late Night From 09/18

"This guy Max Baucus comes out with this bill, it's everything you would want in a reform bill, except, you know, reform. It is a watered-down, ineffectual blow job to the health insurance industry. No public option, could cost the middle class a lot more, encourages employers to drop coverage. Insurance companies can charge whatever they want. I'm going to start going to town halls and screaming now." --Bill Maher

"After all the wooing of the Republicans, no Republican support. Nobody on the Republican side is backing this thing. So the Democrats are trying to bring the Republicans over there. They have a plan. They want to do the thing the Republicans want, curb medical malpractice. They have a little deal. If the Democrats agree to protect doctors from frivolous lawsuits, Republicans will agree to sue the ones who did Tori Spelling's tits." --Bill Maher

"Speaking of fake tits, Carrie Prejean. You know Carrie, the almost-Miss California. She spoke today at the Values Voters Summit. They have great speakers, like crazy Michele Bachmann is there this year, John Boehner, the unemployed Baldwin brother, token black guy and for that segment of the Republican Party that finds Sarah Palin too intellectual, they got Carrie Prejean to speak this year. She said, God chose her to give that answer at the pageant against gay marriage. You know what, Carrie, if God is really that interested in what goes on at beauty pageants, he's gay." --Bill Maher

"Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and ... you would fine people if you didn't get it. And if you didn't pay the fine, you'd go to jail. But the good news is, once you're in jail, free health care!" --Jay Leno

"Former President Clinton is sponsoring a conference called the Clinton Global Initiative. It's going to be attended by Alicia Keys, Demi Moore, Mira Sorvino and supermodel Molly Simms. It's in the paper, yeah, that's true. Apparently he's calling it the Clinton Global Initiative, 'cause it sounds better than the 'Bill Clinton Dream Five-Way.' That didn't look good on the stationery." --Conan O'Brien

"Busy weekend for the president. This Sunday, President Obama is going to appear on five different television shows, did you know that? Five different on Sunday. Even more amazing, on all five shows, he plays the wacky neighbor." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been a very tense week, especially in Washington. In fact, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got all choked up yesterday when she talked about how mean-spirited the debate on health care had become. She was so upset, she spent an hour trying to arrange her face into a frown." --Jimmy Fallon

"Right now in Washington, D.C., they're holding something called the Values Voters Summit. This is a gathering of conservative activists at the Omni Hotel. During the day, they get together and talk about values and politics, and then at night, they sneak hookers up to their hotel rooms. " --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Oct 02, 2009

#1332

Late Night From 09/22

"I'm very excited about the show. I hope you folks are as well because, I'll tell you what, former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Going to be great. Two old guys talking about their bypasses." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is here for a very important reason. He heard that CBS had an opening in the 10 p.m. slot. Wants to be right there." --David Letterman

"You know who was here last night? President Barack Obama was here last night. Politics notwithstanding, what a graceful guy. I mean, after the show, he was nice enough to autograph my swine-flu mask." --David Letterman

"It's opening week at the U.N., ladies and gentlemen. Security is very tight here in New York City. A lot of dictators all over the city. You know what I've noticed? Dictators tend to be tiny. Have you noticed this? Kim Jong Il, a tiny little guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Another guy like this: Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d'oeuvres." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad, quite a speech, that guy. I mean, where is Joe Wilson when you need him, for God's sakes?" --David Letterman

"This sure should be very exciting at the U.N. General Assembly. It's being hosted by Neil Patrick Harris." --David Letterman

"If you wanted to, you could get on the eBay and you could bid on having dinner with Sarah Palin. Did you know that? Yep, you could bid on it. And the winning bid was $63,000. You get to sit down and have dinner. Of course, you know, for that price - people say that's a lot of money - she'll shoot the main course." --David Letterman

"It's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer." --David Letterman

"That's a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it's the thing John McCain should have done a year ago." --David Letterman

"Last week, Dick Cheney had buck surgery. You know Dick Cheney? Dick 'Shotgun' Cheney? You know, it's the complications from carrying Bush for eight years. That's what it was." --David Letterman

"Doctors are optimistic about the surgery. They said Cheney's back surgery was quite risky but not necessary. Risky but not necessary. So it's like the Iraq war." --David Letterman

"Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama's health-care plan." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I'm getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn't been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, you might have noticed, the fall season, begun a little different this year. Even squirrels are kind of distancing themselves from Acorn. Have you noticed that?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting? Because of all these scandals, the executive director of Acorn, a woman named Bertha Lewis, said Acorn will fire any employees 'too stupid to understand they are not reaching professional standards.' Why can't we get this rule for Congress?" --Jay Leno

"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has angered Eastern Europe after dropping the U.S. missile defense system in the area over there; although President Obama says he hasn't abandoned them. He says in the event they do get hit by nuclear attack, they will be covered by his health-care plan. So, that is nice." --Jay Leno

"Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days - he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno

"Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn't the only one playing with bad Trojans." --Jay Leno

"No, according to The New York Times, a man named Andrew Young, who is a friend of Edwards, has submitted this book proposal where he reveals John Edwards is the father of the child he had with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. We have a copy of the book right here. It's called, 'Duh.'" --Jay Leno

"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President has been making a lot of television appearances. On Sunday, he did all five morning news shows, which they say is a record for a president, and last night he was on with David Letterman. The President has been on so many shows lately, even Ryan Seacrest was like, 'Dude, slow down.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Late last night, Obama was also on the Maury Povich show. Good news, turns out he's not the father. John Edwards is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a report going around that John Edwards is getting ready to admit that he did father a child with that woman he had an affair with during his presidential campaign. According to 'The LA Times,' one of his aides wrote a book proposal in which he claims Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father of the child, which the guy did, even though he was married. Honestly we should make this guy president. If he can convince a man to say he fathered a child he didn't, he could convince anybody to do anything, right? 'Come on, China, keep lending us money. We're good for it.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is all just speculation, you know. We don't know any of this actually happened and we won't be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow drying." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at the U.N. climate change summit. And he promised to get greenhouse gas emissions back to the level they were at in 1990. And just to show you he's serious to get back to 1990, Obama gave the whole speech dressed as Kid from Kid 'n Play." --Conan O'Brien

"Chrysler just announced that it will no longer put owner's manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars." --Conan O'Brien

"Today's a big day. The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual genius awards. This year's awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." --Conan O'Brien

"I know that traffic is insane out there. It's because of the United Nations climate week. And over 150 world leaders are here, including President Obama. It's good to see all these guys get in their separate cars, commuting back and forth to the U.N., to discuss ways to improve our climate." --Jimmy Fallon

"Over 150 world leaders in town for the conference. As a result, there's also 150 mistresses in town. So it's just a traffic nightmare." --Jimmy Fallon

"Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton over on 59th. Most check in under an alias for security reasons, although I'm pretty sure that I know who Joe Schmiden is." --Jimmy Fallon

"Also in New York is Bill Clinton, who's hosting his own Clinton Global Initiative over at the Sheraton Hotel. It's room 319. Knock three times, ladies." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama did interviews on five morning shows on Sunday, and then appeared on 'Letterman' last night. And today, Joe Biden taped an episode of 'Cash Cab.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Of course, Bush hated to be on any TV show that didn't have a 'Showcase Showdown.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government is giving American Indian tribes $224 million of stimulus money to help fight crime on reservations. The tribes say that they're grateful for the money and plan to bet it all on black." --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see President Obama on 'Letterman' last night? It was very funny. I especially liked the segment, 'Stupid Biden Tricks.'" --Craig Ferguson

"It was a bit awkward, though, when Paul Schaefer shouted, 'You lie!'" --Craig Ferguson

"Today in New York City, it's the fifth annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative. It's a very big political event where Bill Clinton gets to spend time with government officials he rarely sees, like Hillary, for example." --Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Oct 03, 2009

#1333

Late Night From 09/23

"Now, be honest, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you are here because you couldn't get into the U.N.?" --David Letterman

"Now this was momentous. Yesterday, President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and undeniably now, it was awkward. And they stood there, and they stared at each other, and finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night." --David Letterman

"And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need him?" --David Letterman

"So Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is talking there, and halfway through the speech, people got angry. Got angry, fed up, full of disdain and rage, and they started to march out of the -- no. No, that was last night's audience." --David Letterman

"But if I could now, in all seriousness, I'd like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. Short and ugly." --David Letterman

"And you know the big surprise, Osama bin Laden was supposed to address the U.N. but he dropped out at the last minute because of mercury poisoning." --David Letterman

"Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It's a year late, but …" --David Letterman

"And if it was that good I'm thinking it must have been Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"They paid her $300,000 for the speech, the Chinese, $300,000 for the speech. I guess she apparently could see the cash from her house." --David Letterman

"Muammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He gave a speech that was extremely long. It was rambling and filled with inappropriate comments. As soon as Qaddafi finished, Joe Biden came up and said, 'Teach me, master.'" --Conan O'Brien

"When President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi applauded for him, but Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad refused to applaud. But folks, the big surprise was when Kim Jong-Il started the wave. That was the crazy part." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear what former President Bill Clinton said? In a new book that's coming out, former President Bill Clinton said he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he, quote, 'cracked under pressure.' When asked what he's doing this weekend, Clinton replied, 'Cracking under pressure.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Folks, today former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin gave a speech in China. The topic of her speech was, 'Are you sure you're not Japan?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck called John McCain a 'weird progressive, like Teddy Roosevelt.' In response, McCain said, 'That's funny. That's what Teddy used to call me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? … It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, 'Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, in his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Experts say if Obama continues at this rate, next week he will eclipse Regis." --Jay Leno

"And Iranian leader Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job, he's in New York this week. Boy, he's really grumpy. I guess the movie on the flight over from Iran was 'Schindler's List.' And he just didn't like that." --Jay Leno

"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno

"He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, 'Enough!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, this terror stuff is back in the news. Earlier today, the feds issued a new terror alert. They said terrorists are looking at hitting successful entertainment centers, so you folks at NBC are perfectly safe." --Jay Leno

"Well, I'm sure you heard about this story. Officials have charged three men born in Afghanistan in this terror probe. An official says much of the evidence gathered was suggestive of a plot to attack buses or trains. How scary is that? Imagine terrorists being able to blow up an Amtrak train before it has a chance to run off the embankment on its own." --Jay Leno

"And they said if a bomb went off in the LA subway system, it could affect up to three people." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno

"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this? A dinner with Sarah Palin just sold on eBay for $64,000. Meanwhile, John McCain got the prime rib and baked potato for only $4.99 at Caro's." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I'm sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama met with Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, or as President Bush called him, 'Mr. Miyagi.' The Japanese prime minister wanted to thank Obama for all of the money that Japan got from the 'Cash for Clunkers' program." --Jimmy Fallon

"But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the U.N. Security Council. That's pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama's have been very busy. Tonight, they hosted an evening reception for world leaders at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. The Party was going great until Hugo Chavez started doing karaoke." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech to the Clinton Global Initiative yesterday, President Obama thanked Bill Clinton for the extraordinary difference he has made since leaving the White House. Clinton then stood up and thanked President Obama for keeping Hillary so busy." --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about health-care reform. The seniors didn't really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Libya's President Muammar Qaddafi gave a lengthy tirade to the U.N. General Assembly today. He was supposed to talk for 15 minutes but went on a 90-minute rant instead. I mean, where is Kanye when you need him?" --Jimmy Fallon

"A pharmaceutical company is developing a microchip to be implanted in patients' shoulders that remind them to take their medication. That's just what crazy people on drugs need, right, a voice talking to them out of their shoulder?" --Jimmy Fallon

"I read this in Time magazine. Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was 'weak, waffling and wavering.' And then Nader added: 'I do not like him in a house. I do not like him with a mouse.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Oct 04, 2009

#1334

Late Night From 09/24
Part 1

"Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter." --Jay Leno

"And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we're just another piece of crap on eBay." --Jay Leno

"You know, it was fun at the beginning of the week when we had all of the world leaders here in New York City visiting the U.N. for the big grand opening of the U.N. It was fun for a while but now we are sick of them and want them to go home. Traffic is insane. You can't get anywhere. And Qaddafi with that stretch camel, who's he kidding?" --David Letterman

"But President Obama, God bless the guy, has been very busy. Yesterday, he actually headed up a meeting of the U.N. Security Council. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain called a waitress 'Toots.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear President Obama's speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It's nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn't it?" --David Letterman

"And then they had the madman hour yesterday afternoon. And it was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and he gave a speech to the U.N. He said he hated the US, said he hated Israel, and he hated that dumb pedestrian mall on Broadway. But Ahmadinejad did say if Iran is given access to uranium, he promises not to make weapons. And I said, 'Well, that's good enough for me.'" --David Letterman

"Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi also spoke at the U.N. Very exciting. This guy, for some reason, is getting very popular. As a matter of fact, this weekend, he's going to be the musical guest on 'Saturday Night Live.'" --David Letterman

"And did you see the pictures of the tent in Trump's backyard? The tent is an ingenious design. It's supported by a rather intricate architectural network and foundation of fiberglass poles. It's the same thing that supports the deal on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"It's fall here in New York. It's cool, getting dark earlier. The temperature's dropping. The leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn't changed is Qaddafi is still talking at the U.N." --Jimmy Fallon

"In Qadaffi's rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative cousin." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $63,500 On Dinner With Sarah Palin
10."Is the tip included?"
9."Do my kids really need to go to college?"
8."Is it 'All the Moose You Can Eat'?"
7."Should I prepare by reading every magazine and newspaper?"
6."Does it have to be at the Denny's where Todd works?"
5."Should we have dinner in Alaska or Russia?"
4."Will she hunt and shoot the main course?"
3."63 grand? That's nearly half of her weekly wardrobe budget!" Remember that reference?
2."Is there valet parking for my snowmobile?"
1."Will I be done in time to get to the 'Fire Dave' rally?"

Monday, Oct 05, 2009

#1335

Late Night From 09/24
Part 2

"President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"While he's in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Qaddafii gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985." --Conan O'Brien

"According to The New York Times, Manuel Zelaya, the recently deposed president of Honduras, he's holed up with supporters who don't bathe, eat only rice and beans and one guy who hasn't changed his Che Guevara T-shirt in days. So apparently, Manuel Zelaya is holed up in my freshman dorm room." --Conan O'Brien

"Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you're probably fine." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Chrysler announced it's replacing its owners' manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota." --Conan O'Brien

"Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down." --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know the safest place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the FBI, terrorists may be targeting sporting events here in the United States and people attending games are being told keep an eye out for anybody looking suspicious or anybody who looks like they might be a threat. Well, what do you do at an Oakland Raiders game? That's everybody." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and that Colorado man that's arrested for lying to the FBI and having links to al Qaeda, well, they got him on an additional charge. Planning to use weapons of mass destruction. He reportedly purchased bomb-making ingredients from a beauty supply store. Did you hear his defense today? He said, 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.'" --Jay Leno

"And yesterday at the United Nations, President Barack Obama told the world, 'Don't expect America to fix all your problems.' Hey, hey, what happened to 'Yes we can?'" --Jay Leno

"You know about Qaddafi living in his tent? You know this whole wacky story? After residents complained, Qaddafi had to dismantle his tent he was living in outside of New York City, in Bedford, New York. You know, say what you want about Qaddafi, but don't you wish your relatives, when they came, would stay in a tent on the front lawn?" --Jay Leno

Tueday, Oct 06, 2009

#1336

Late Night From 09/25

"Today, President Obama spoke at the G-20 global economic summit in Pittsburgh. He warned that if the world economy does not get better, next year's summit will also be in Pittsburgh." --Jay Leno

"And there is a new terrorism alert at sporting events. Spectators are being asked to report anything suspicious. For example, if you see a Detroit Lion making a first down, OK, right there, wait a minute." --Jay Leno

"Did you see this idiot, Muammar Qaddafii, speak at the U.N.? What a hypocrite this guy is, standing there, putting down Western culture, yet he's swearing a Snuggie." --Jay Leno

"Governor Mark Sanford's wife is publishing a book about the affair. She says the book is big enough to tell her side of the story but still light enough to fling at your husband's head." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study out of the University of Chicago, participating in sports can make you smarter. That explains how these college athletes are able to graduate without even going to class." --Jay Leno

"It's chilly here in New York City. As a matter of fact today, it was chillier than a conversation between President Obama and Governor Paterson. Apparently what happened, Governor Paterson gets a call from President Obama, and President Obama says, 'Hey, uh, don't run.' A lot of tension between these two guys; as a matter of fact, now, it looks like Paterson may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"You know what's exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called 'The Good Wife.' You know what it's about? It's about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?" --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Dick Cheney had back surgery. It's from carrying Bush for eight years." --David Letterman

"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that the United Nations doesn't smell of sulfur anymore. He said that it 'smells of something else. And I'm looking at you France.'" --Jimmy Fallon

A restaurant in Washington, D.C., has a new sandwich named after Michelle Obama called the 'Michelle Melt.' It's a turkey burger, on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, mayo - basically, it's a turkey burger." --Jimmy Fallon

"The restaurant also created a new sandwich named after Joe Biden. It's just a hamburger shaped like a foot." --Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Oct 07, 2009

#1337

Late Night From 09/28

"Today's Yom Kippur and what that means is down in Houston earlier today former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking for Easter eggs." --David Letterman

"You heard about this? Yesterday, Iran fires a missile. Not only that, but Iran is now testing a talk show at 10:00 p.m." --David Letterman

"Here's a story. And it's about time. Director Roman Polanski, they finally get this guy. They arrest him in Switzerland. And I was thinking well, you know, great, I'm glad they got Polanski but what about bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin went to Hong Kong, delivered a speech last week. And we're learning more and more about the speech that she delivered there. Palin says China needs to deal with its ethics problems. Well, I bet that got a nice laugh." --David Letterman

"She was paid $300,000 to go over there and speak in Hong Kong. Apparently she could see the money from her house." --David Letterman

"Well, the FBI has arrested a suspected al Qaeda terrorist and his dad. Did you hear about this? This guy was plotting terrorist attacks with his father. Even Mackenzie Phillips is going, 'Ooh! That's bad.'" --Jay Leno

"No, it seems one of these terror suspects gave himself away when he bought an unusually high quantity of hydrogen peroxide at a beauty supply store. Peroxide is used in explosives and also used, you know, for hair highlights. The guy tried to avoid suspicion as a man buying tons of highlights by giving the name Ryan Seacrest." --Jay Leno

"Actually, he got caught because of the shampoo he bought. It was this: 'Jihad, Your Hair Smells Terrific.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about fantasy football? Detroit Lions won. Detroit Lions beat the Washington Redskins 19-14, snapping their 19-game losing streak. Do you believe that? Detroit owning Washington. There's a change." --Jay Leno

Thursday, Oct 08, 2009

#1338

Late Night From 09/29
Part 1

"You know he's not just the Vice President, he's also a client." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don't want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That's no fun at all." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, 'The Death Panel.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The final tally was eight voted 'yes,' 15 voted 'you lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon

"The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon

"The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the euro could replace the American dollar as the new global currency. The Treasury Department is telling everyone to not panic, just calmly throw your money away." --Jimmy Fallon

"I was reading today about President Obama's new plans for education. I guess President Obama wants kids to spend more time in school. He wants them staying later in the day. That's not new. We had that when I was in school. It's called detention. I was there until 5:30, 6:00 every night." --Jay Leno

"And officials from the US, Great Britain, and France are demanding that Iran disclose all of its nuclear efforts after it was revealed that Iran had this secret nuclear facility. These Iranians, very clever at disguising it. They made sure nobody could find this place. They made the outside of it look just like a movie theater showing that new Megan Fox film." --Jay Leno

"Well, the 'New York Daily News' is reporting that John Edwards' former aide, Andrew Young, is now saying Edwards had affairs with many other women on the campaign trail. This sounds like the same trail Governor Mark Sanford was supposed to be hiking on." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how much Edwards was fooling around, it turns out half the babies he kissed on the campaign trail were his." --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Sarah Palin Tips For Writing A Book

10. Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia.
9. Increase vocabulary -- use words like "slanket."
8. First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits.
7. Don't write a word until the check clears.
6. Limit yourself to one "you betcha" per chapter.
5. You can never have enough stories about ice fishing or killing things with your bare hands.
4. When in doubt, just type (wink).
3. Don't let writing cut into attending "Fire Letterman" rallies.
2. Have a book translated for sale to European countries like London.
1. I'll try to find ya some tips and I'll bring 'em to ya!

Friday, Oct 09, 2009

#1339

Late Night From 09/29
Part 2

"The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has completed her memoir, and it'll be in stores in November. So that's something to look forward to. A lot of people aren't taking her seriously. I've seen it. It's a big, huge book. But when you go into the store, you can use that big book to step up so you can reach a better book." --David Letterman

"The book will be out this November. Coincidentally, she was out last November." --David Letterman

"It's called 'Going Rogue.' Not to be confused with John McCain's new memoir, 'Going Several Times A Night.'" --David Letterman

"You know what happened one year ago today? The stock market dropped 700 points. One year ago today. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I." --David Letterman

"It's interesting now. A lot of people say, they're bragging, 'I didn't lose any money. I'm smarter than that. I didn't lose any money.' For example, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, did not lose a penny when the stock market tanked. You know why? She has all her money in pelts." --David Letterman

"Chicago, Illinois, wants the Olympics in 2016. Everybody is pitching in. Remember former Governor Rod Blagojevich? Even he's pitching in. He said if they send the Olympics to Chicago, he will throw in a US Senate seat." --David Letterman

"President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman

"Do you folks remember Andy Williams? Fantastic singer. He says that President Obama is following Marxist theory. I said, 'That's interesting. I think I'm going to wait and see what the Andrews Sisters say.'" --David Letterman

"This is the best news I've heard in a long time. The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They're going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award." --David Letterman

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has a new book coming out. They say she finished the book ahead of schedule so they moved the release date up to November 17th. So, turns out she can finish something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of the book is 'Going Rogue,' which is how some of John McCain's advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don't. And some think 'Going Rogue' is a rip-off of Joe Biden's memoir, 'Going Rogaine,' which came out like five years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Oct 10, 2009

#1340

Late Night From 09/30
Part 1

"Well, actually, to be fair, I thought this was nice, President Obama said he's been very busy lately, but he would be willing to add the general as a Facebook friend." --Jay Leno

"Officials have learned that some Al Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. Well, this whole thing started because somebody tried to assassinate a Saudi prince last month by detonating an explosive device they had hidden in their rectum. This is real. Luckily, the only person killed was the suicide bomber. But he really had the bomb hidden in his rectum. Here's my question. At what point in the planning of these attacks do they tell the suicide bomber? I mean you got these guys. 'OK, boss, I'm ready to be a martyr. I'm ready to die for my cause. Where's my dynamite vest?' 'Listen, Khalid, we've made some changes.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, a new book is coming out -- oh, boy, this is unbelievable -- by John Edwards' campaign official, a guy named Andrew Young. I guess they were quite close friends. Young now says there is sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Well, of course, people are stunned by this. John Edwards letting someone else get in front of the camera? I don't think so." --Jay Leno

"You know, I think it is true, because at one point on the tape, at the height of passion, you can hear John Edwards screaming out his own name." --Jay Leno

"Senator Chris Dodd, who is head of the Senate Banking Committee, is pushing for one super-regulator to oversee all the banks. He said his goal to restore more confidence in the banking system. You know what would restore more confidence in the banking system? If Chris Dodd wasn't head of the Senate Banking Committee." --Jay Leno

"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"If that doesn't pass, they're going to go with, 'Swine Flu Fever, Catch It.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono's personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression." --Jimmy Fallon

"U2 even dedicated a song to her face -- 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"She almost shed a tear. But she doesn't have tear ducts." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama told Prevention magazine that at 45 she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn." --Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats couldn't get laid in a house (where people's) sole purpose is to have consequence and disease-free sex with legislators on finance committees." –Jon Stewart, on Democrats' impotent inability to get the public option out of the Senate Finance Committee

Sunday, Oct 11, 2009

#1341

Late Night From 09/30
Part 2

"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"But if you're interested, Sarah Palin will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting." --David Letterman

"But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has taken from her front porch -- beautiful pictures of Russia that she took from her front porch." --David Letterman

"In the back -- this is helpful -- a complete index of all my apologies." --David Letterman

"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien

"I've got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports - I'm not making this up - the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they're playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. 'Are you sure everyone's doing this?' 'Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. And her publisher says -- this is a quote -- 'It's her words, her life and it's all there in full and fascinating detail.' Yeah, then he said, 'Or so I'm told. I wouldn't read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, if you saw '60 Minutes,' you probably saw this. President Obama coming under fire, because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Well, whose fault is that? Hey, if the general wants to talk to President Obama, get a talk show. That's how you do it." --Jay Leno

Monday, Oct 12, 2009

#1342

Late Night From 10/01

"Sarah Palin's new memoir is being published in early November. A lot of revelations in the book, but you probably knew this: During the presidential campaign, Sarah had to cut up John McCain's meat for him." --David Letterman

"President Obama and his lovely wife Michelle are in Copenhagen and they're making a pitch to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Barack Obama is … unusual. I mean, here the guy is on a business trip, with his wife. I mean, what is that?" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people's health is actually better than it was before. Isn't that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, 'socialism.'" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President Obama's could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down for." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is now in Denmark to lobby for Chicago to be awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. The head of the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, he says that they will not be swayed by the Obama visit. They said they're going to weigh all the bribes, kickbacks, and secret favors equally." --Jay Leno

"Oh, this week on 'Dancing with the Stars,' former Congressman Tom DeLay almost dropped his partner. I guess all those years of lobbyists greasing his palms, apparently he just couldn't … " --Jay Leno

"Oh, and the pre-orders for Sarah Palin's new book on Amazon are huge. It's the No. 1 book on Amazon. I was looking for that section where it says, 'People who bought this book also bought 'Bridge to Nowhere.''" --Jay Leno

"Well, the publisher was impressed that Sarah Palin finished the book four months ahead of schedule. That's not a big deal. She finished her term as governor 18 months ahead of schedule." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is on the road, you guys. His first stop was Geneva, where he held his talks with Iranian diplomats about Iran's nuclear weapons program, or as Iran is saying,- 'What nuclear weapons program?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"But now, Obama is in Copenhagen. He's trying to get the Olympics in Chicago, while Iran is getting ready to nuke the world. This could explain Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'President Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Palin's book is No. 1 on Amazon, it's No. 1 at Barnes and Noble, and it would be on sale at Borders, but she had all of them closed." --Jimmy Fallon

"I thought this was nice. Out of good sportsmanship, the foreword was written by a moose." --Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Oct 13, 2009

#1343

Late Night From 10/02

"You hear about Letterman? I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office." --Bill Maher

"I just wanted to say, so you know here, I have never had sex with anyone on my staff. The guests, of course, yes. I mean, that's part of the job, but never the staff." --Bill Maher

"At the White House this week they had a marathon strategy session on Afghanistan. It lasted three hours. The media went nuts. They couldn't believe that people spent three hours in one place. Three hours somewhere? Or as the rest of America calls it, a doctor's appointment." --Bill Maher

"Although people in Chicago were disappointed with the decision of the International Olympic Committee, Cubs fans took the news best as they are used to hearing the phrase 'Chicago is eliminated.'" --Seth Meyers

"Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly-revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next few weeks, and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russia ... wait, what?" --Seth Meyers

"A producer for '48 Hours' was arrested Thursday for attempting a stupid human trick. It was reported that the blackmailer was saying he was going to reveal embarrassing details about Letterman's life. For instance, after sex he would say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'" --Seth Meyers

"At the United Nations Security Council on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton referring to her position as president of the council, said I kind of like being a president. We just had an election last year. You should have said something." --Seth Meyers

"Earlier today, the International Olympic Committee decided the 2016 Olympics are not going to be in Chicago. They're going to be held in Rio de Janeiro. That's where they're going to have the Olympics. Yeah. As a result, the 2016 Olympics will be topless, which is nice."  --Conan O'Brien

"Very interesting times here at NBC, at this network. The latest show business rumor -- it's a big rumor -- is that the Comcast cable company is thinking about buying NBC. Yeah. Comcast says they're interested in NBC because they've decided to get out of the television business." --Conan O'Brien

"Last week, I told a joke about Newark, New Jersey. You may have heard about this. Yeah, I just made an offhanded joke. It was quite a good one, actually, about Newark, New Jersey. And as a result, the mayor has banned me from flying into Newark airport. So, now if I want to go to Newark, I'll just have to get there the same way everyone else does, through a series of poor choices." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while driving, because he says it's distracting and could lead to accidents. That's what he said, yeah. Obama admitted that he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe Biden for vice president." --Conan O'Brien

"Pretty soon, ladies and gentlemen, the former governor of Alaska, you can read her memoir, Sarah Palin's book. It's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' I read it. I was disappointed. Three chapters were devoted to cleaning fish." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman

"The Olympic Committee voted on whether Chicago, Tokyo, Rio or Madrid would host the 2016 Olympics. I don't know if it was rigged or anything, but the winner was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." -Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new book out called "why women have sex" that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten." --Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Oct 14, 2009

#1344

Late Night From 10/03

"If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you got the wrong studio." --Jay Leno

"What is going on? First, Conan hit his head, then somebody tries to extort from Letterman. I'm so glad I'm out of late night." --Jay Leno

"I want to say I, myself, was once the victim of an extortion plot. How do you think NBC got me to do a 10:00 show? That's why I'm here." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is such bizarre story. This guy that was trying to blackmail Letterman was at producer for the show '48 Hours.' It could have been worse, at least it wasn't the producer of 'To Catch a Predator.'" --Jay Leno

"I am happy to say I have never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rio de Janeiro. They won the bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games. You know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch personally, but International Olympic Committee voted and Chicago didn't win. Which, hey, I can understand that, it's October, Chicago never wins in October." --Jay Leno

"I know why you're happy tonight. Because after all these months of seeing these tea baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler mustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn't Hitler. Because when Hitler tried to get the Olympics he got it." --Bill Maher

"Hey, you can't say they didn't try from Chicago. They pulled out all the stops. The president went over there, the first lady, Oprah. Even Rod Blagojevich phoned in a bribe." --Bill Maher

"But at the end of the day the International Olympic Committee said -- now, Obama, I'm used to seeing him lose. He can't even get the public options through the Democratic-controlled Senate. But Oprah?" --Bill Maher

Well, let's be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out and then they heard about the Olympics and then they were even more thrilled." --Bill Maher

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented bikini wax? The land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"That's the difference between Bush and Obama. When Obama bombs in another country, nobody gets killed." --Bill Maher

Thursday, Oct 15, 2009

#1345

Late Night From 10/03

"Well, congratulations. The Obamas celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this past week. The paper said this is the first wedding anniversary Obama is celebrating in the White House. Sadly, it's also the first thing the Obamas have to celebrate since they've been in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Today, at the White House, President Obama met with a group of doctors from every state in the union to press his case for health care reform. It was the biggest gatherings of doctors, I guess, since Dick Cheney had his last staff meeting." --Jay Leno

"Hey, listen to this. According to reports from the Daily Telegraph, Iranian President Mahmoud Amedinejad is part Jewish. He has Jewish ancestry. Well, this is great. You know, he's anti-Semitic. Now he can just kill himself." --Jay Leno

"Well, the latest job numbers are out. The bad news is we have the worst unemployment in 26 years. The good news, that unemployment also includes Jon from 'Jon & Kate.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger said if he comes back to California, there should be no special treatment for Roman Polanski. I think that's what he said. It was that or 'I'm going to Japan to ski.' I don't know what he said." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin's new book comes out Nov. 17. A lot of people are surprised they paid Sarah Palin to write a book. Hey, they paid Tom DeLay to dance. Why not pay her to write a book?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama celebrated his 17th wedding anniversary. Isn't that nice? The President celebrated by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner with just his wife and Oprah." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America because three Americans were awarded the Nobel prize for medicine today. Take that, Brazil! Brazil got the 2016 Olympics." --Craig Ferguson

"And starting today, we get the swine flu vaccination. Doctors are set to receive the vaccination first, because they're the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor." --Craig Ferguson

"At the box office this weekend, the movie 'Zombieland' was No. 1. It beat Michael Moore's new documentary. 'Zombieland' and the Michael Moore movie are very different, of course. One has a disgusting, lumbering monster that eats everything in its path, and the other one has zombies." --Craig Ferguson

Friday, Oct 16, 2009

#1346

Late Night From 10/05
Part 2

"I will be honest with you, folks. Right now, I would give anything to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me." --David Letterman

"Things are still pretty bad. There's a possibility I'll be the first talk-show host impeached." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Over the weekend, they came up with proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quiet." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad won't be talking about it. He's referring all questions to Rubenstein Communications." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about this? President Obama goes to Denmark and he's trying to get the 2016 Olympics for the great city of Chicago. And he presented his case in a heartfelt manner but they weren't buying it. And boy, do I know what that feels like." --David Letterman

"According to the latest Gallup poll, the group President Obama is most popular with -- you know who it is? Obama is most popular with the Jewish community. The group he's least popular with -- International Olympic Committees." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch. The international committee voted. Chicago finished last, dead last. Well, I guess the committee thought Chicago already had enough amateur athletes with the White Sox and the Cubs." --Jay Leno

"You know what the mistake was? We shouldn't have sent President Obama over there to get the votes. We should have sent Acorn. It would have been a landslide. We would have gotten all the votes, thousands of votes." --Jay Leno

"You know what the saddest part is about Chicago not getting the 2016 Olympics? Former Governor Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 free seats for 100 grand apiece to the opening ceremony." --Jay Leno

"I was sad to see Chicago lose it. Because they had a great mascot. It was Loafy, the 5-pound pork sandwich with legs." --Jay Leno

Saturday, Oct 17, 2009

#1347

Late Night From 10/06

"Well, congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. Well, at first, they couldn't agree where they should celebrate. He wanted to go to Chicago, she voted for Rio." --Jay Leno

"I think Obama is starting to get a little desperate. After losing the Olympics last week, he scaled back a little bit. Like, today, he was in New York, making the case for Chicago-style pizza." --Jay Leno

"Well, in response to criticism that he's not fulfilling a campaign promise, the President's national security adviser said President Obama will overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy at the right time. When asked what the right time would be, he said, 'Don't ask, I'm not telling.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, the Post Office told Congress this week they are sorry, but they can no longer continue to deliver Saturday's mail on Saturday. Hey, I'd be happy to get Wednesday's mail on Saturday." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. You can't call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It's now the H1N1 virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn't want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon will still kill you; you just won't get a runny nose." --Jay Leno

"You know, President Obama went to Denmark to try and get the Olympics for Chicago. They turned him down. He was so upset that they wouldn't give us the Olympics that he had to invite himself to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Isn't that NASA fascinating? I think NASA may be my favorite governmental agency because they're always doing cool stuff. We went to the moon. Remember how cool that was? We now have the International Space Station and the shuttle goes up there regularly. They worked on the Hubble telescope. You know what they want to do now? They're thinking about firing a missile to moon. I thought, oh, great, another war. Do we need that?" --David Letterman

"The cover of Sarah Palin's book has been released. And it features a picture of Palin gazing off into the distance deep in thought. The photographer said that capturing that one moment was the rewarding 11 hours of his career." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation's largest gay rights group. And members of the group are upset that he hasn't kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes his speech shirtless." --Conan O'Brien

"The founder of Cirque du Soleil is currently onboard the international space station. And today, he got all of the other nine astronauts to put on red clown noses. Then the astronauts conducted experiments on the loss of dignity in space." --Conan O'Brien

"Rapper Method Man didn't pay his taxes for three years. Yesterday, he told a judge he forgot to pay, because he was high. And the remarkable thing is that's the one excuse the I.R.S. is totally cool with." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of the speech was, 'Any Ideas? Because I Got Nothing.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is now saying that he'll consider talks with the United States if it can help improve our relationship. I'm starting to feel like we're the Jon and Kate of countries." --Jimmy Fallon

"Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. I like that it took swine flu for people to realize that sharing a cup with hundreds of other New Yorkers is a health risk." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read about this. Apple is withdrawing from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, because the chamber is skeptical of global warming theories. Apple said that it was a tough call to make, but still not as tough as making a call on the iPhone." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Oct 18, 2009

#1348

Late Night From 10/07
Part 1

"So they're going to attack the moon, and they're going to be looking for water. And I thought, well, that's pretty much sounds like our government -- bomb first, look for evidence later. That's the way we do business." --David Letterman

"Nobel Prizes in science were awarded yesterday, and the three winners in physics are known as the 'masters of light.' Not to be confused with Dick Cheney, known as the 'prince of darkness.'" --David Letterman

"Now, here's something that will put a smile on your face. Yesterday was the first day of the new Supreme Court session. And we have a freshman Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor, and it's her first day in court. So you know what they do? It's like a rookie hazing for the new justices. And it was hilarious. The other judges, yesterday, switched her robe with a blanket. It was unbelievable. Boy, that was funny. Crazy." --David Letterman

"And then, then, Chief Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel. That's a regular yuck rodeo down there." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. Sonia Sotomayor really has her work cut out for her. Think about this — the responsibility of replacing Paula Abdul. Is she going to be able to do that? Is that a possibility, even? I don't think so." --David Letterman

"Here is some very good news. At NASA, the countdown is on. After years of wasting taxpayer money on research to increase the quality of life here on Earth and all that rubbish, NASA is finally doing something cool. They're blowing up the moon!" --Craig Ferguson

"No, it is not a joke. I'm not kidding! Right now, a Centaur missile is hurtling through space, headed for the moon's south pole. And I for one would just like to say how awesome that is!" --Craig Ferguson

"We could make a ton of money if they find water on the moon. Can you imagine how much showbiz weasels in L.A. would pay for moon water?" --Craig Ferguson

"Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne boarding himself." --Jimmy Fallon

"So what NASA is doing, they're crashing a rocket, which will have the energy of two tons of TNT It's part of NASA's new strategy, 'What would Wile E. Coyote do?'" --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Oct 19, 2009

#1349

Late Night From 10/07
Part 2

"President Obama's national security adviser just said that Obama is going to overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' As a result, the signal for an enemy attack will change from 'incoming' to 'what's her problem?'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic -- as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien

"The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford. And witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out." --Conan O'Brien

"In a global survey of the most admired countries, the United States went from number seven to number one. They don't admire us enough to give us the Olympics, but…" --Jay Leno

"And earlier in the week, President Barack Obama met with 150 doctors. He got all kinds of advice from them. This weekend, he's going to try out the tips they gave him on the golf course." --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, the President and the First Lady celebrated their wedding anniversary. They went out to dinner. There were no gifts exchanged. They didn't exchange any gifts because, as you know, that would be socialism." --Jay Leno

"And President Obama had a very tense 25-minute meeting aboard Air Force One last week with General McChrystal, our top general in Afghanistan. And apparently, McChrystal gave a speech in London last week very critical of Obama's policies in Afghanistan. And Obama was not happy. In fact, he considers it so important, he's thinking about canceling his upcoming appearance on 'Ellen.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama's national security advisor said the President will overturn the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military. Well I think that's good. I think gay people should be allowed to serve in the military. It seems ridiculous if they're not. And listen to this. They'll be able to keep the same slogan, an 'Army of One — Singular Sensation.'" --Jay Leno

"Now, listen to this. I'm no rocket scientist so far be it from me to tell these people who are rocket scientists how to do their business, but NASA, they're shooting a missile. They're going to launch a huge missile -- kaboom -- right at the moon, looking for water. And I said, 'Why not? Now that everything here is taken care of on Earth, why not? We've got no problems here. Let's just go give it a shot.'" --David Letterman

Tueday, Oct 20, 2009

#1350

Late Night From 10/08
Part 1

"Last night, President Obama had dozens of middle school students over to the White House. And they set up 20 telescopes outside to look at the stars. The kids were kind of bratty, though. One of them was like, 'Hey, look, I can see Rio de Janeiro.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"And tonight, Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House for several members of Congress. He didn't even want to play, he just wanted to see Congress pass something." --Jimmy Fallon

"The basketball game was very intense. At one point, Hillary landed hard and sprained her cankle." --Jimmy Fallon

"News out of Afghanistan. The Taliban say that they have no plan of harming countries of the world, including those in Europe. I'm not sure how convincing that sounds. It is like telling your RA, 'I have no beer in this room at all, especially not under my bed.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I was reading that NASA is going to fire that rocket into the crater of the moon tomorrow morning, and people can follow the mission on Facebook and on Twitter. And you can go to Friendster, too, and follow the original moon landing." --Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of NASA, you guys heard about this asteroid that can strike the Earth in 2036? NASA just downgraded the threat collision to 1 in 250,000. That means you have a better shot at getting crushed by an asteroid than winning the grand prize of McDonald's 'Monopoly.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is an historic night. Tonight, for the first time in American history, we are preparing to attack the moon." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The United States is bombing the moon tonight. NASA is honestly planning to fire a rocket-powered explosive into one of the lunar poles. See, this is what happens when your president's slogan is 'Yes we can.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This bombing expedition cost NASA $79 million. Do you have any idea how many Nicolas Cage movies you could make for $79 million? Almost one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was NASA, I would have auctioned the chance to fire the missile that blows up the moon on eBay, right? I mean, it would have paid for itself. 'Dude, who gets the push the button to explode the moon? Me, that's right.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Oct 21, 2009

#1351

Late Night From 10/08
Part 2

"NASA is going to launch a rocket to the moon on Friday. They're going to shoot a rocket to the moon. Just going to -- kaboom, kaboom! The government says don't worry, that they're pretty certain we will be greeted as liberators." --David Letterman

"We're bombing the moon. We're attacking the moon. And we hope to find out if there's water. And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence." --David Letterman

"The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Here is an example of how quickly things can turn around. According to a recent poll, President Obama's approval rating in California has dropped. In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it is now down to just 99 percent." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We've been waiting, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States. They want to promote savings. And listen to this. It's $1,000 if it turns out your congressman is your baby's father." --Jay Leno

"Is that a good idea? Have a baby, get $500. You thought a lot of illegal were coming here to have kids before?" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something interesting. Tomorrow, NASA scientists will crash two spacecraft into the surface of the moon in an effort to find ice. The spacecrafts are named 'Amtrak One' and 'Amtrak Two.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists are very excited about the possibility of ice on the moon. Not as excited as personal injury attorneys, but almost as excited." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, President Obama plans to appoint his Administration's first openly gay ambassador, David Huebner. Huebner will serve as the U.S. ambassador to Barbra Streisand." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Oct 22, 2009

#1352

Late Night From 10/09

"Congratulations to President Obama, who won the Nobel Peace Prize this morning. That's quite an accomplishment. I'm sure he'll pick it up as soon as he's finished fighting two wars." --Jimmy Fallon

"Along with the Nobel Peace Prize President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big you need to blackmail David Letterman." --Jimmy Fallon

"The White House admitted that they made a mistake by not inviting women to play in President Obama's basketball game last night. Although it would have made 'shirts vs. skins' a little awkward. " --Jimmy Fallon

"The women really wanted to play. Nancy Pelosi had her game face on. Of course, when does she not have her game face on?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Along with the Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big, you need to blackmail David Letterman." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a surprise decision, President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Friday. In other premature awards this week: high school football player Billy Reynolds has been named this year's Heisman Trophy winner; fifth grader Amber Collins has been named Miss America; and nine-year-old Dylan Holt has been named People's 'Sexiest Man Alive.'" --Seth Meyers

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Won't Win A Nobel Prize

10. You invented swine flu
9. Misspelled 'Nobel' and 'Prize' on application
8. Mathematics paper notes 'all figures approximate'
7. There's no Nobel Prize for napping
6. Your peacemaking efforts focused on Jon and Kate
5. You're up against Tina Fey — she wins everything!
4. Only prize you've ever won was for eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes
3. Devoted your life to creating a sushi that will still allow Jeremy Piven to act
2. Only medical experience? Sticking a needle in A-Rod's ass
1. Barack Obama flew to Sweden to plead on your behalf

Friday, Oct 23, 2009

#1353

Late Night From 10/10

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great honor for America that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, our economy is so bad, Obama's already been forced to trade the medal in at 'Cash 4 Gold.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize comes with $1.4 million in cash. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama Caught Taking Bribe from Swedish Government.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Barack Obama -- he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. " --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he was humbled to win the prize. Not as humble as he was when Rio got the Olympics. But still humble." --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he will go to Oslo, Norway to collect the award. Roman Polanski said, 'It's a trick -- don't go; you'll be arrested.'" --Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing, winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

"Big news: We bombed the moon this morning. We sent a missile into its surface. That's gotta be a lesson to North Korea and Iran -- we bombed the moon for no good reason at all." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A day after declaring war on the moon, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden was awarded the Nobel Hair-Piece Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Along with his trophy, the president will receive $1.4 million in prize money . . . so say hello to a whole new closet of mom jeans everybody." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009

#1354

Late Night From 10/12

"Congratulations to President Barack Obama. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. Very exciting. Hang on now. Don't get too excited. He hasn't actually collected it yet. Let's see if he can follow through on this. He went to Europe for the Olympic thing. That was a sure thing, too. So, let's just wait a minute." --Jay Leno

"Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good." --Jay Leno

"Do you know who was the runner up for the Peace Prize? Oakland Raiders defense. They are true pacifists." --Jay Leno

"Now, it was announced today they gave the Nobel Prize in economics to two American economists. Really, we have economists? Where the hell they been the last five years? We don't even have an economy. How can we win that?" --Jay Leno

"Congress is now proposing to give everyone who has a baby $500. Oh yeah, great! Let's make these NBA players even richer." --Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news -- when they do break your legs, there's a good chance you're covered now." --Jay Leno

"How awful is this? Police arrested a 30-year-old, Bountiful, Utah, man for fondling the nurse who was helping to deliver his baby. Move over John Edwards. We have a new nominee for husband of the year." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So, congratulations, Michelle Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in Washington, D.C., there was a huge gay rights rally. And one of the most popular chants was, 'Hey, Obama, let mama marry mama.' Historians are calling this the best gay rights chant since 'Hey, Dwight D. Eisenhower, let Mike and Steve share a shower.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, in honor of Columbus Day, Dick Cheney's cholesterol was 1492." --David Letterman

"When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize, all right?" --David Letterman

"Hey, President Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? Meanwhile, right now at an Arizona senior citizens center, John McCain is screaming, 'Bingo!'" --David Letterman

"President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I'm like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for 'American Idol.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not placed by Christmas, to which people in both nations said, 'Um, what's Christmas?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's part of Trump's plan to make his own hair look normal." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Chicago Cubs declared bankruptcy today, a move that they say will help them sell the team. It's part of the new 'Cash for Clunkers' program." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009

#1355

Late Night From 10/13

"People still upset that Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize. And today the head of the Nobel Prize Committee defended the decision to give Obama this year's peace prize, saying that Obama's already accomplished quite a bit. When asked for an example, the committee chairman said, 'Come on, he won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year's Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner." --Conan O'Brien

"A new article just came out. It shows that the phrase used most often by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear' whereas the phrase used most often by Joe Biden is, 'Hey, where are you all going?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking." --Jay Leno

"Did you know the Nobel Peace Prize comes with a cash award? It's like a million dollars. Actually, it's $1.4 million. See, apparently, this is President Obama's plan to finance healthcare reform. Keep winning these awards — the Nobel, the Powerball, the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes -- keep winning these, and we can pay for the whole healthcare thing." --Jay Leno

"And in NFL news, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. So far, this season, the Rams are what, 0-5? What is it with the Republicans? They can't seem to pick a winning team lately. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

"Thank you! I uh, I deserve that like Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize." --David Letterman

"Well, here's some news. President Obama's healthcare plan passed the Senate Finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans are disappointed because they had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine flu masks and Purell." --David Letterman

"The Republicans are quite upset. John McCain had to console that 'you lie' guy." --David Letterman

"John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president." --David Letterman

"Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom." --Craig Ferguson

"The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff." --Jimmy Fallon

"Colorado will become the first state ever to lower its minimum wage by 3 cents an hour, from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, Colorado workers will be allowed to leave work 9 seconds earlier." --Jimmy Fallon

"Wal-Mart employees were like, 'There's a minimum wage?'" --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Oct 26, 2009

#1356

Late Night From 10/14
Part 1

"NASA recently announced they have a photograph from the Hubble Telescope that shows two galaxies colliding. Then they took a closer look and said, 'Wait a second. Those galaxies aren't colliding. They're doing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Health care has now passed the Senate Finance Committee. So now here's what the Republicans are going to do to try and kill the health-care bill. They're going to go into filibuster where the guy gets the floor and he just keeps yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking. And people get tired and go home. Hey, wait, that could happen right now." --David Letterman

"John McCain's going to do the filibustering and he's going to talk about his collection of big band records." --David Letterman

"Obama's doing a great job, in impossible circumstances, by the way. You know he won the Nobel Peace Prize a couple of days ago. And the week before that, he won the daytime Nobel Peace Prize. So he's won them both." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"They also say that during her debate with Joe Biden -- the vice presidential debate -- she got confused and at one point actually said, 'I'm ready to solve the puzzle, Pat.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the Democrats' health-care bill made it past the Senate Finance Committee, in a 14-9 vote. Sorry if I spoiled the ending for you guys. I know a … lot of you probably TiVo C-SPAN." --Jimmy Fallon

"But yes, that's what happened. Republican Senator Olympia Snowe broke ranks with her party and voted for the Democrats' healthcare bill. She's been missing ever since." --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so excited, because I had Olympia Snowe on my fantasy Congress team. I'm like, 'Yeah! Score, man!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"But even though the bill passed, President Obama said that now is not the time to pat ourselves on the back, mostly because you might pull a muscle. He says, 'Wait until you actually have health insurance before you do anything.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Oct 27, 2009

#1357

Late Night From 10/14
Part 2

"Thank you for coming out on such a wet day. Man! The rain we've been having. What a storm this has been. The roads are slicker than John Edwards on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story out of Washington is this healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9, I believe it was. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that's just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress." --Jay Leno

"The good news is we'll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is it won't be in our lifetime. It will never happen." --Jay Leno

"And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years, as long as it takes!" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, the Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. And the Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. So, it's even." --Jay Leno

"And for the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know what that means? More AIG bonuses!" --Jay Leno

"And the Department of Homeland Security announced that instead of putting illegal immigrants in jail, what they're going to do is let them stay at converted hotels. Let me explain how this works. If you're a homeless American whose house has been foreclosed on, you're desperate for shelter, here's what you do. You sneak across the boarder to Mexico, you walk back in; the government puts you up at the Sheraton. Fantastic deal." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams, has downplayed racial comments that he's made in the past by saying if he was a racist, why would he want to be part of a business that is 70% African American? Well, I don't know. Maybe because you would own them? Think that has anything to do with it?" --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, they held a big gay rights march in Washington, D.C. Tens of thousand of gay Americans of all political persuasions filled hotel rooms in D.C. Actually, it was just the Democrats in the rooms. The Republicans were still in the closet." --Jay Leno

"Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy." --Conan O'Brien

"Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin music event included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently it was much more fun than last year's party, which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer." --Conan O'Brien

"A top adviser to President Obama says that the most important interactions the President has with Joe Biden happen when no one else is around. Obama says that the best interactions with Biden happen when Biden isn't around." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Oct 28, 2009

#1358

Late Night From 10/15

"Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, as you probably know, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group of investors who were trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, coach Tom Cable, Plaxico Burress. The NFL hates controversy." –Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team for free." –Jay Leno

"What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized." –Jay Leno

"You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself." –Jay Leno

"And for the first time in over a year, the Dow hit 10,000. Very exciting. Now, if you don't know what the Dow is, that is a list of companies President Obama hasn't taken over yet." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he wants to give senior citizens $250. Has this been the greatest year for Brett Favre or what?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"–Jay Leno

"Hey, a new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary said she's thrilled to win a popularity contest a year after it matters." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's daughter has come under fire for posting a sexy photo of herself on Twitter. McCain is furious. He told his daughter: 'You should know better. You're 80 years old.'" –Conan O'Brien

"One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called Barackula. Not so popular, Congressman Barney Frankenstein." –Conan O'Brien

"California First Lady Maria Shriver has apologized for being caught using her cell phone while driving. Unfortunately, she apologized via text while driving a school bus."

"It's not a great day for old folks. Today, the Social Security Administration announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have worked out. That would be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!" –Craig Ferguson

"I'm getting up there. I am 47 years old. Three years from now, I can be in the AARP! Me! Me! Eight years from today, I'm eligible for a senior discount at IHOP." –Craig Ferguson

"There is a rumor going around that the first dog, Bo Obama, had an accident on Air Force One. Today Joe Biden was like, 'Um, yeah, it was Bo.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In fact, the accident was so bad they're calling the plane 'Air Force Two.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama is going to send $250 to all of those senior citizens. The bad news is that he's going to send them $10 at a time on their birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said yesterday that if she had won the presidential election, she would have hired Barack Obama to serve in her cabinet. Come on, he's her boss. What is she going the say? 'That guy, Barack, he's terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are now planning to filibuster President Obama's healthcare plan. You know, it is a legislative device. A guy gets up and talks all night without really saying anything. It's like having dinner with Regis." –David Letterman

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009

#1359

Late Night From 10/16

"A company that designs fonts is suing NBC for $2 million for trademark infringement for using their fonts during a recent ad campaign. Joke's on them. We don't have $2 million" --Seth Meyers

"A big blockbuster movie this weekend, 'Where the Wild Things Are' yeah. I think it's like a big Imax movie and it's supposed to be for kids. I don't know, by the end of the movie, all of the wild things have been hunted and shot by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama was in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, 'Why do people hate you?' Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and said, 'I know why people hate you.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Liberal activists are accusing President Obama of being too slow to appoint new judges. Yeah. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres." --Conan O'Brien

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"At a town hall meeting in New Orleans, President Obama said that he would rebuild the Louisiana coast and the crowd cheered, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!' And then Obama said that he would fix the economy and the crowd was like, 'Not so sure! Not so sure!'" --Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Oct 30, 2009

#1360

Late Night From 10/17

"Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? St. Louis Rams and they wouldn't let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people." --Bill Maher

"The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many of them live there." --Bill Maher

"A new study shows that the phrase most often used by president Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama was in New Orleans visiting the victims of Katrina yesterday. And he took questions from the audience. And one person asked him: 'What do you think about the Big Easy?' and he said, 'Oh, I just call it 'Nobel Peace Prize.'" --Jay Leno

"The governor's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on a cell phone while driving. You know, I read about it on my BlackBerry while riding into work on my motorcycle the other day."  -Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"This afternoon, according to a a media psychologist that was on this cable show today, it may not be John Edwards' fault that he cheats on his wife. Not his fault. They psychologist said he may suffer from a clinical condition known as Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's syndrome. No, you know what he has? He has 'ass grabber' syndrome." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, a boy hid in a box. So I guess that was a faster way to tell that story." --Seth Meyers

"After the Senate Finance Committee approved the new health care bill this week,President Obama declared we're closer before than passing health care reform, closer than I was ever before to being 300 years old." --Seth Meyers

"Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in committee, that doesn't mean she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'Come on, guys, chase me!'" --Seth Meyers

"Olympia Snowe's vote was hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're bilingual if you say 'Hola' to the nanny." --Seth Meyers

"In a speech to the human rights campaign, the nation's largest gay rights group, President Obama on Saturday pledged to end the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Even better for gays, it's being replaced with a new policy, 'truth or dare.'" --Seth Meyers

"The Dow Jones on Thursday rose past the 10,000 mark for first time in over a year. 'Hooray!' shouted 15 million unemployed Americans watching CNN in their pajamas in the middle of the day." --Seth Meyers

Saturday, Oct 31, 2009

#1361

Late Night From 10/19

"As you know, the whole balloon boy thing turned out to be a big hoax. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam." --Jay Leno

"It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down."  --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you saw it Friday. That whole -- people thought the 6-year-old kid was in the balloon. I mean, it was so tense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, car theft is at a 20-year low. Well, that shows you how bad the auto business is. People don't even want to steal them now." --Jay Leno

"President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his 'Cash for Geezers' program." --Jay Leno

"Actually, if you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 million." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of interesting. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- it's always the first wife -- is coming out with a book that gives a rare glimpse into the personal life of the infamous al Qaeda leader. She says Osama bin Laden was very tough on their children and was a strict disciplinarian. Well there's a shock." --Jay Leno

"And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me." --Jay Leno

"And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Nov 01, 2009

#1362

Late Night From 10/20

"Federal agents will no longer go after patients taking medical marijuana or their suppliers under the new guidelines by the Obama Administration." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is very smart. He figures if he couldn't appease the left by withdrawing from Iraq or closing Gitmo or appealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' they'll all be too stoned to care." –Jay Leno

"President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News." –Jay Leno

"It's getting ugly in the press room. Well, senior White House adviser David Axelrod told reporters that Fox News is just pushing a point of view. Well, yeah. But at least they got a point of view." –Jay Leno

"And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"Well here's some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one." –Jay Leno

"No, Osama bin Laden's first wife and her son have written a book about her marriage. The son said that bin Laden would get angry if they turned on the air conditioner. So in a lot of ways, bin Laden just sounds like a typical dad. When it comes to thermostats, all dads become fanatical tyrants. Why is that?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, this is interesting. Did you know bin Laden's first wife was also his first cousin? That doesn't sound like al Qaeda. That sounds like Alabama, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"Well this is kind of odd. Sarah Palin has posted her resume on an employment networking site. Under 'jobs held,' she -- you know, she was a sportscaster. Did you know that? She was also, of course, governor of Alaska and, most recently, private nurse for Senator John McCain. I didn't realize that." –Jay Leno

Monday, Nov 02, 2009

#1363

Late Night From 10/21

"And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called 'Don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'" --Jay Leno

"Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have invented a robot whose sole mission is to deliver you snacks. Got a big problem here in America. We're getting too much exercise walking to the fridge, now?" --Jay Leno

"How about one that delivers exercise equipment? Why don't you try that?" --Jay Leno

"The FDA announced plans to clamp down on food labeling that may mislead consumers into thinking food is more nutritious than it really is. Is that going to work? Huh? You think Americans will change their eating habits by reading that? 'Oh, look, honey, on the label, these chocolate doughnuts aren't as nutritious as I thought they were.'" --Jay Leno

"The 'balloon boy' saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father's helium tanks were actually repossessed; I guess they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a disturbing trend: celebrity death hoaxes on Twitter. Yesterday Kanye West was rumored to be killed in a car accident. Today, Kanye, announced that he’s not dead. He just wishes he was." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Nov 03, 2009

#1364

Late Night From 10/26

"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, according to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama's a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"And former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of 'dithering' over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Today, the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks." –Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be 'afraid.' Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?" –Jay Leno

"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno

"The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams are now 0-7. In fact, they're so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh collect and said, 'Make us an offer. Anything, please.'" –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our secretary of state's birthday. It is Hillary Clinton's birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said 'Your job.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he'll go home and see Hillary." –Craig Ferguson

"Hey, guys, this is big news. President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. A couple of weeks ago, it was like, 'Calm down, it's going to be fine.' Now it's a national emergency. I'm telling you, swine flu is a big threat, then it's not, then it is. Make up your mind. This thing is like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases." –Jimmy "Fallon

Wed., Nov 04, 2009

#1365

Late Night From 10/27
Part 1

"And an auditor found rampant fraud in the government's first-time home buyers program. The auditor found that starter home money even went to 4-year-olds. Imagine that. Four-year-olds got a home loan, which is good news for Jon and Kate's kids because now they can get their own place. Don't have to deal with those two idiots anymore." –Jay Leno

"And Osama bin Laden's ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Even terrorists get scared when their ex-wives write a book." –Jay Leno

"Anyone here excited about the Yankees-Phillies World Series game? Here's the latest. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is betting Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter a case of New York cheesecakes versus a case of Philadelphia cheese steaks. So whoever wins the bet will die of a heart attack." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush's library, except it will have books." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of former President Bush, he gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. Bush spoke for half an hour and said he 'just hopes' his 'words were inspirationistic.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"After the President invited only men to play basketball with him earlier this month, the National Organization for Women is complaining that the Obama Administration has a 'boy's club' atmosphere, not to be confused with the Clinton Administration, where they had a gentleman's club atmosphere." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the release of 'Terminator.' 'Terminator' is a movie we liked so much, we elected it governor here in California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And I have to say, it's hard to believe it's been 25 years since 'Terminator' came out, mostly because our governor never stops reminding us of it. He mentions it pretty much every day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the growing threat of swine flu. So I guess I better stop licking doorknobs for real this time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In response to Obama's declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu. Not really." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, Nov 05, 2009

#1366

Late Night From 10/27
Part 2

"They say now that President Barack Obama's playing a lot of golf. Did you know he plays a lot of golf? I didn't know that. Good for him. Play golf. Play all the golf you want. The world is going to hell anyway. What possible difference could it make if he's playing golf?" –David Letterman

"In fact, he has played more golf in his few months in office than George Bush played in eight years. So Barack Obama, playing more golf than George Bush. But to be fair, President Bush played more mini-golf." –David Letterman

"I mean, it's no secret, if you're the President of the United States, the pressure is incredible, unrelenting, it will crush you. You've got to get out and do stuff. You have to take a break. You have to go play golf. You've got to ride a bike and go jogging. You have to shoot a hunting buddy in the face. I mean, it will kill you, the pressure." –David Letterman

"Guess what? The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin will be appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. Coincidentally, John McCain will be on Dr. Oz next month getting a colonoscopy." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is promoting her brand new book. It's called 'Going Rogue' because she really was out there on the edge. The book is going to be huge. It will be an enormous. As a matter of fact, the FDA gave it quite a boost. The Food and Drug Administration said her book has been approved as an over-the-counter sleep aid. It will be crazy big." –David Letterman

"I stand behind no man in my regard for the great Oprah Winfrey. But if you really wanted to see Sarah Palin on a TV show, would you want to see her on the Oprah show or would you want to see her here? Well, that ain't gonna happen." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

Friday, Nov 06, 2009

#1367

Late Night From 10/28

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"By gosh, the World Series starts tonight. You know who is going to be at the game tonight, at Yankee Stadium? Michelle Obama and Jill Biden. Wife of the President, wife of the Vice President. And they will be sitting right next to the two sleeping Northwest pilots." –David Letterman

"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And everybody in the audience on Oprah that night gets a free 30-06." –David Letterman

"Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama and second lady Jill Biden were at game one of the World Series tonight in New York. They went because Michelle loves baseball, and Mrs. Biden loves getting out of the house." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart

"Of course, some people in Connecticut are upset that Joe now opposes the public option. Namely, the 64% of people in Connecticut who support a public option. But remember, Joe's party is 'Connecticut for Lieberman,' not 'Lieberman for Connecticut.' Big difference. You see, Joe's a true independent. He's independent of political parties, and he's independent of his constituents. I say, stick to your principles, Joe. And as soon as you can, let us know what those are." –Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Nov 07, 2009

#1368

Late Night From 10/29

"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

"I bet you you go to Dick Cheney's house, trick-or-treating he is one of those guys that tells you you are going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out." –David Letterman

"Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be good. It's going to be great because on the one hand you have a powerful, well respected icon, American woman who could be president. An on the other hand you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"And then John McCain will make an appearance live via satellite. That is, if he can find somebody to turn on the damn thing." –David Letterman

"She has got a book, a best selling book, she got paid a million dollars for the book called 'Going Rogue.' You think about it, she was Rambo, am I right?" –David Letterman

"That is the name of her book, 'Going Rogue.' And she got a million dollars for that and she is work on the sequel, 'Going Shopping.'" –David Letterman

"But just — a word of advice now to Oprah Winfrey, be prepared. Don't underestimate her. Remember how Palin schooled Katie Couric, remember that?" –David Letterman

"We wanted Sarah Palin to be on our program and she decided she was going to be on the Oprah program. I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't like me." –David Letterman

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House welcomed students to the South Lawn for the fall harvest of the White House garden. They're saying a hoe hasn't gotten that much action at the White House since the Clinton administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new book, President Obama's former campaign manager said that because of Bill Clinton, Hillary was not chosen as Obama's running mate. Yeah, Hillary was very mad at Bill, and in fact, to punish him, she made him move from the couch to their bed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Nov 08, 2009

#1369

Late Night From 10/30

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!" --David Letterman

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, the health caree bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you guys remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted this week at a pub in Cambridge having a drink. So, this is either great news for race relations or those guys are alcoholics." --Jimmy Fallon

"Because of the bad economy, did you hear this? A lot of Americans are planning to save money by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Yeah. So, if you see me tomorrow night, that's why I'm dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. Brings back memories, doesn't it, huh?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has made a stunning announcement. President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some bad news for Sarah Palin. I don't know if you heard this, according to a recent survey when asked, 7 out of 10 people said Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president. 7 out of 10. Yeah. Even worse, the question was, 'Are you happy with your long-distance service?'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a really weird story, political experts say that when former President Clinton traveled to North Korea recently, he may have met with an actor playing Kim Jong-Il, instead of the real guy. It's true. On the bright side, at least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." --Conan O'Brien

"I read today over 600 million pounds of candy will be given away this year. 600 million pounds. Or, as Glenn Beck calls that, just another Obama socialist giveaway." --Jay Leno

"ESPN commentator Steve Phillips has been fired for having an affair with a young woman that he worked with. He has checked himself into a rehab facility for sex addiction. Well, it's pretty serious, too. I understand he's in the John Edwards wing." --Jay Leno

"According to a report on Edmunds.com, the real cost of the Cash for Clunkers program was $24,000 per car. Every car that was traded in cost us, the taxpayers, $24,000. How many would have rather kept your old car, just get a check for 20 grand from the government?" --Jay Leno

"And the White House has approved a new plan to pay the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan to switch sides and join the U.S. They're going to pay them to join our side. The program is called Moolah for Mullah." --Jay Leno

Monday, Nov 09, 2009

#1370

Taking the day off

Tueday, Nov 10, 2009

#1371

Late Night From 11/02
Part 1

"According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, 'President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.' They say he'll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting." –Jay Leno

"The only opponent to Afghan President Hamid Karzai has backed out of the planned recount. He's not going to be in the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family and not get killed." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he's considering leasing the New Jersey Turnpike to help raise money for the state. He's going to lease out the New Jersey Turnpike. And of course, a lot of people are furious about this. Because, you know, parts of the Jersey Turnpike are considered a sacred mob burial ground." –Jay Leno

"Executives of America's 28 largest banks met with Federal Reserve supervisors to discuss and regulate the banks' pay policies, which is pretty amazing. There's still 28 banks left in this country?" –Jay Leno

"I just love Halloween. It's the only time of the year you get to see a Ghostbuster making out with Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available today. But right now, there are only 26 million. Yeah, they overshot by so much, they are all getting jobs as pilots for Northwest Airlines." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon announced today, they have given the swine flu vaccines to every detainee at Guantanamo Bay. The detainees were like, 'Hey, whatever happened to closing this place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Abdullah Abdullah just quit next week's runoff election against Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzi. Abdullah Abdullah said, he was just following in the footsteps of his role model, Palin Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Nov 11, 2009

#1372

Late Night From 11/02
Part 2

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton.Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times." –Conan O'Brien

"They trick-or-treat down at the White House. And it's more, I guess it is more, it is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration. Remember what happened — the trick-or-treaters would come and then Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out, I mean, and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg, poor guy is so exhausted. Here's what happened yesterday. Kind of an awkward moment. He is out there campaigning, so tired, here is what he did, he kissed a blintz and ate a baby." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg is running against a guy named Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson, Bill 'I'm going to vote for you' Thompson. And he has no money. His largest contribution was a generous $5 check from Regis." –David Letterman

"Well, how about those Afghanistan elections? You know, they had the first one and they thought, well, maybe something hincky with the first one. All right, if something is hincky, let's do it again. And now the opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah has dropped out of the runoff election. He got the idea from watching the Phillies during the World Series." –David Letterman

"Yeah, no runoff election in Afghanistan. Apparently a second election would be way too expensive to rig." –David Letterman

"So Abdullah Abdullah says he is pulling out because he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah." –David Letterman

"So they've recounted all the votes from the first election in Afghanistan and congratulations to the new president, Al Franken." –David Letterman

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" –Jay Leno

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend, we turned the clocks back. Which means Congress had yet another hour not to read the new health care bill before they signed it." –Jay Leno

Thursday, Nov 12, 2009

#1373

Late Night From 11/03

"A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, 'Arrest Bush' and 'Bush is a war criminal.' Yeah. When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I kind of wish Al Gore had been with us last night to kind of help out with the audience last night because, oh, my goodness. Over the course of the show the climate went from bad to worse." –David Letterman

"Do you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? Amazing, huh? Well, actually, there's been some changes. His new slogan is now, 'Yes, we can, but don't hold your breath.'" –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Actually, the program's got kind of a catchy title. It's called 'Don't ask, don't Taliban.'" –Jay Leno

"The government says this swine flu vaccine shortage could last through December. Through December. Great. Now I'll go to the mall and see Santa sitting there with a big, red nose, probably from the flu instead of the usual alcoholism." –Jay Leno

"Now, why is there a swine flu vaccine shortage? You ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. You know, we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." –Jay Leno

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people have been noticing that President Obama is getting very skinny. Have you noticed this? And he is thin. If it wasn't for his ears he'd weigh less than 100 pounds." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Insiders say that Obama has been too busy to eat, which is a problem President Clinton never seemed to have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Saturday night, the President and Mrs. Obama had a couple thousand kids at the White House and instead of candy, they gave out dried fruit. That's great. You go to the White House, you stand in a security line for three hours, they give you a bag of prunes?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Nov 13, 2009

#1374

Late Night From 11/04

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"You're here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!" –David Letterman

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have." –David Letterman

"Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will be debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I'm looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

"Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count, if you think about it?" –David Letterman

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

"Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. 'What happened?'" –Jay Leno

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term." –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees?" –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold Schwarzenegger said — 'You can do that? How do you do that? Why can't I do that here?'" –Jay Leno

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Nov 14, 2009

#1375

Late Night From 11/05

"During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin announced that she's gonna travel across the country on a bus to promote her new book. She'll be hard to miss 'cause it'll be the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats' health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, 'We can't wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, if you are not happy about Mayor Bloomberg being mayor, don't blame me, O.K.? If you are not happy about this, don't blame me. I voted for — well, I don't remember his name." –David Letterman

"Actually, the guy's name is Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson. Yes, Bill Thompson. Isn't that a name you get in the witness protection program?" –David Letterman

"Big new holiday movie. It's the new 'Christmas Carol,' it opens on Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the whole movie he was yelling, 'Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go Scrooge!'" –David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama's policies. What policies? Don't know what the policies are." –Jay Leno

"The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won." –Jay Leno

"Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in Cleveland besides betting on the Browns." –Jay Leno

"During his speech in Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama explained that he was upset with his daughter, Malia, after she got a 73 on her science test. When I heard that, I was like: 'Seventy-three? I would have killed for a 73.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Later in his speech, President Obama said that the currency of today's economy is knowledge. Great, another currency where China has us beat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Gore was here in New York yesterday signing copies of his new book 'Our Choice' at Barnes and Noble. It was strange, Gore wouldn't write his name. He just signed each book, 'I'm sorry, tree.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company's defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Nov 29, 2009

#1376

Late Night From 11/06

"President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy's in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, 'Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? That's nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, 'Big Chief Running Mouth." –Conan O'Brien

"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Maria Shriver. Maria celebrated quietly with Governor Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's new book, new memoir, is coming out next month. It's called, 'Going Rogue.' Ooooh. She was like Rambo, out there on her own. Hidin' in the trees, swoopin' down on vines. Out there lookin' for bogies." –David Letterman

"She's already received ... a million dollars. ... You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha." –David Letterman

"Big day in New York for the Yankees. Ticker tape parade. Anyone here go to the parade? Mayor Bloomberg was there. He called New York City the 'Capital of Baseball.' Then he spent 85 million dollars of his own money to become the new Mayor of Baseball." –Jimmy Fallon

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Nov 30, 2009

#1377

Late Night From 11/09

"The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate." –David Letterman

"It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one — you lie, you lie!" –David Letterman

"But it's a big victory for the Democrats. And today Nancy Pelosi was named MVP.'" –David Letterman

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein water boarder.'" –David Letterman

"You sound like a bunch of people who heard they just got free health care." –Jay Leno

"As you know, on Saturday night the House narrowly passed the health-care bill. They said the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But — she hasn't blinked since what, '82?" –Jay Leno

"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

"Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That's what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today 237 members of Congress are millionaires. Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn't that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money …" –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has to protect the President now on a budget. In fact, like, after 5, you know the President just wears a life alert." –Jay Leno

"You know when you see the agents running alongside the car? That's just to save gas now." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama appears on ''Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

Tueday, Dec 01, 2009

#1378

Late Night From 11/10

"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? In a speech yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will broke by Christmas broke unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like, 'Good call, let's start with the governor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"40th anniversary of 'Sesame Street.' Yeah, this is big. First Lady Michelle Obama was on 'Sesame Street' today, showing children how to plant their own healthy vegetable gardens. Isn't that nice? Yeah, then the kids said, 'Screw the vegetables,' and they barbecued Big Bird" –Conan O'Brien

"NASA's been on a campaign to ease people's fears about the end of the world in 2012. Does anybody really think this is going to happen? No, this true. NASA announced that the movie '2012' is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong. And there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's gonna destroy it. People believe this stuff. They say the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be, I guess, Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street." –Jay Leno

"Bad news for New York. Governor Paterson, the governor of New York, announced that by the end of the year, New York City will be broke. Yep. So we're going to have to make lots of cuts. The Midtown Tunnel. That will be by appointment only. Call ahead. Let them know you're coming through. Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies. And the city temporarily has stopped constructing potholes" –David Letterman

"It's the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures." –Craig Ferguson

Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Dec 02, 2009

#1379

Late Night From 11/11

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC." –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to New York City, first of all, but bad news — city is broke. Yeah. No more money. And they're cutting back on garbage collection. And I want to tell you, New York City, by the way, has one of the finest collections of garbage you'll see anywhere." –David Letterman

"Cutting back, city is broke, cutting back on hospital budgets. Well, it's a good thing we've got that swine flu licked, isn't it?" –David Letterman

"And when your flight lands in the Hudson, you're on your own." –David Letterman

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir, 'Going Rogue.' Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"They have a bottle of beer that was on board the Hindenburg and it was auctioned off. You know the Hindenburg, that was the biggest thing to crash and burn in New Jersey next to the Corzine campaign." –David Letterman

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"A huge week for the President. Obama leaves tomorrow for a ten-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea and Japan. Meanwhile, today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at Panda Express." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama, he said that he would be happy to travel, more than happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the global climate conference, if his presence would make a difference. And then the Olympic committee was like, 'Oh, yeah, it makes a huge difference. Yeah.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, Dec 03, 2009

#1380

Late Night From 11/12

"President Obama's approval rating down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"A middle school in North Carolina has caused some controversy, because they were offering to improve test scores for cash donations. For a $20 donation, kids could get an increase of 20 points on any test they chose. It was the 'Cash from Flunkers' program." –Jay Leno

"Remember the crazy astronaut lady who put on a diaper and drove cross country? She was in love with another astronaut. And I said to myself, well that's what happens when you mix vodka and tang." –David Letterman

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

"President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He'll be making a trip to China. While he's there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America's money." –Conan O'Brien

"Forbes magazine just came out, and they've released a new list of the world's most powerful people. President Obama is number one. Interesting, yeah. And apparently, Oprah is pissed off." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, on 'Larry King Live' ... former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, refused to talk about her sex tape. She got angry for Larry asking what she called, 'inappropriate questions.' Yeah, apparently Larry kept asking, 'Do you want to see my sex tape?'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he's gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"When he returns, President Obama is expected to finally reveal his strategy for the war in Afghanistan. The strategy is called, 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of 'Don't ask, don't tell,' Congressman Barney Frank said yesterday that the military's 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy will be repealed next year. It's going to be replaced by the policy, 'Yeah, we knew.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Big news, Lou Dobbs announced on his show last night that he was leaving CNN. No word on where Dobbs is going to go next, but I think we can all rule out Telemundo." –Jimmy Fallon

"They're not welcome there. Dobbs said he's leaving because he wants to engage in constructive problem solving. He's already solved one problem, for CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Dec 04, 2009

#1381

Late Night From 11/14

"According to excerpts from Sarah Palin's memoir, 'Going Rogue,' the former vice presidential nominee says her infamous Katie Couric interview went so poorly because Couric was badgering, had a partisan agenda, and asked questions." –Seth Meyers

"Lou Dobbs announced on his CNN show thursday that he's leaving the network. What is it with CNN and run-away bags of hot air? [on screen: a picture of 'Balloon Boy's balloon" –Seth Meyers

"We're learning more and more details about the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. She told Latina magazine [that] the White House told her to paint her fingernails a neutral shade and wear small size earrings during the confirmation. But, see, that's not unusual. That's the same thing Fox tells Ryan Seacrest every week." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is gonna be on Oprah Winfrey's show on Monday. Well, not to be outdone, John McCain is going on 'The Oz' show to get a prostate exam." –Jay Leno

"Fox News made a big announcement, they announced that they are not interested in hiring outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs. Yeah, yeah. Also not interested in hiring Lou Dobbs, the band Los Lobos." –Conan O'Brien

"In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, you guys, it's Friday the 13th. A lot of people are superstitious about the number 13. President Franklin Roosevelt refused to travel on the 13th of every month, would never host 13 guests at a dinner party, either. And President Bush wasn't allowed to see any movie rated PG-13." –Jimmy Fallon

"CNN announced today that political reporter John King will replace Lou Dobbs. King said, 'I'm excited to report about the political landscape, and Dobbs said, 'I am excited to report my landscaper to immigration.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, excerpts from Sarah Palin's new book are starting to leak out to the internet. There's some really shocking stuff in there, complete sentences, proper grammar, really shocking stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today happens to be Friday the 13th. In fact, this is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Dec 05, 2009

#1382

Late Night From 11/16
Part 1

"And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices." –Jay Leno

"In what reporters are calling a very strange press conference, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won't elect a leader with a beard. Yeah, I'll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Japan. Some people are upset that Obama bowed to the Japanese emperor. It's still better than when former President Bush high-fived the emperor and said, 'Give me some skin, Mr. Miyagi.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day, Sarah Palin said she'd like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, during a town hall event in China, President Obama admitted that he's never used Twitter. Even John McCain was like, 'Get it together, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn't leave his family's front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Book

10. Cover photo is actually Tina Fey.
9. All proceeds from the book go toward a bitchin' new snowmobile.
8. Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle.
7. Not interested in politics, is interested in joining "Dancing with the Stars."
6. Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone.
5. Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin.
4. It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires.
3. Favorite website: YoubetchaTube.
2. Includes Levi Johnston centerfold.
1. Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does

Sunday, Dec 06, 2009

#1383

Late Night From 11/16
Part 2

"I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" –David Letterman

"Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing 'Mama Mia!'" –David Letterman

"President Obama was in Japan. He made a ceremonial visit to the birthplace of Hideki Matsui." –David Letterman

"And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah." –David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is 'great for the Republican Party.' Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's got that book out, that 'Going Rogue.' And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don't worry, Sarah, I'm sure you'll get another opportunity." –David Letterman

"President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the 'People's Republic of Wal-Mart.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu, as in 'guess Hu's got our money.' I believe that's how you say it." –Jay Leno

"And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, 'Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don't want to hear.' Then he went back to trashing Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama 'make yourself at home,' so he took over Toyota. He's running it now." –Jay Leno

Monday, Dec 07, 2009

#1384

Late Night From 11/17

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"And experts now say China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord is not enough now?" –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money." –David Letterman

"Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons." –David Letterman

"Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades." –David Letterman

"You know who was on Oprah the other day was Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska. The high point was when the Governor shot a cigarette out of Oprah's mouth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called 'Being Vice President.'" –David Letterman

"It's a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, 'Going Rogue,' hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn't understand what either one was saying. 'Did you cwy when you wost the election?' 'You betcha.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's book is supposedly full of shocking revelations. Some of it even surprised John McCain. 'I ran for president?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's nine-day trip to Asia is in full swing. Presidential trips like this require a ton of planning. The State Department briefs the President, the Air Force clears the airspace, and the Secret Service leaves dog food out for Joe Biden. Then everybody heads out." –Craig Ferguson

"Right now President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. The American-Chinese relationship has changed in the past couple of years, because we used to be the world's only superpower, standing head and shoulders above other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins." –Craig Ferguson

"Now things are different. The financial crisis has knocked us down a few pegs. They've got more than a billion people. If we're going to battle the Chinese for global supremacy, we're going to need a lot more octomoms." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Dec 08, 2009

#1385

Late Night From 11/18
Part 1

"I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of this show. Don't worry. I got the whole night planned out. We're going to have drinks, we're going to have appetizers, and then we're going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book." –Jimmy Kimmel|

"Sarah Palin's new book, 'Going Rogue,' came out yesterday. It's getting a lot of attention, primarily because she spends a lot of the book settling scores with the media, the political elite, she's angry at the weather for raining on her once." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And she goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' It's a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, 'If you want something done, ask a woman.' I guess that's why she asked a woman to write the book for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He's still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama's performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, 'Oh, that's easy, F.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.' When George Bush visited, he said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Interview With FOX News

10. First question: "Sup?"
9. Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops.
8. Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs and one round of bare-knuckle boxing.
7. Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom.
6. Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video.
5. Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama."
4. Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.
3. When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger.
2. A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"
1. Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load

Wed., Dec 09, 2009

#1386

Late Night From 11/18
Part 2

"The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he's going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting." –David Letterman

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said." –David Letterman

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." –David Letterman

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." –David Letterman

"President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There's a switch. Something American in China. You never see that." –Jay Leno

"And yesterday, while speaking in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. And you know something: it's amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. It's fantastic." –Jay Leno

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!" –Jay Leno

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." –Jay Leno

"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous." –Jay Leno

"And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, 'magical' as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Dec 10, 2009

#1387

Late Night From 11/19

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig." –David Letterman

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be." –David Letterman

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule." –David Letterman

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter." –David Letterman

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!" –David Letterman

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup." –David Letterman

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out." –Jimmy Fallon

"One week 'til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here's the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail." –Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, 'How do you think you're doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran's nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, 'indicate our seriousness to Iran.' Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, Kellogg's announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there's going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange." –Conan O'Brien

"The Sarah Palin tour made its top in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, 'Going Rogue,' is still at the top of Amazon's best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction." –Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Dec 11, 2009

#1388

Late Night From 11/20

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people." –Seth Meyers

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"To help pay for the health care plan, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh, sure, I guess it is easy to tax plastic surgery when you already have movie star good looks [on screen: a photo of Reid]." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported Monday that food summit, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short -- he's a Catholic now." –Seth Meyers

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

J"This has been quite a week for Sarah Palin. She's been everywhere promoting her new book. She was on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' ABC 'World News,' 'Nightline,' Barbara Walters. Not to be outdone, next week, John McCain will be the guest corpse on 'CSI.'" –Jay Leno

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him." –Jay Leno

"The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers." –Jay Leno

"This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood" –Jay Leno

"Oprah Winfrey announced she's quitting her show. Oprah's quitting. No, crazy. Yeah. This is the crazy thing. Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. That's what she said. Yeah, Oprah said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she's praying to." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That's what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs' focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos." –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"Big night at the movies yesterday, 'New Moon' made a record $26.3 million at a midnight screening. Wow. In fact, earlier today, President Obama announced his new stimulus plan, it's called 'Twilight 3.' He's going to give that a shot." –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Dec 12, 2009

#1389

Late Night From 11/23

"President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Geithner is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be taken off the bill." –Jay Leno

"The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one." –Jay Leno

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting." –Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10% off coupon at Wal-Mart." –Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you know what he's going to be doing after this? He'll be a speech therapist." –Jay Leno

"That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told him that his son was floating away in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Khalid is expected to get a tough reception here in New York City because everybody hates him. You know, why not? Here's a guy you can hate. And on top of that, he's a Red Sox fan." –David Letterman

"Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he'll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years." –David Letterman

"It's a big week for Chuck Schumer. First his birthday and then being named sexiest man alive." –David Letterman

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"John McCain, Sarah Palin's former running mate, read the Sarah Palin memoir. After 23 years of military service, five years as a prisoner of war, 22 years as a U.S. senator, I'm sure that John found Sarah's story very inspirational." –David Letterman

"A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least ten more years of inexperience." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is now available on kindle, and, coincidentally, I'm using my copy as kindling." –David Letterman

"The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show.' It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight." –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Dec 13, 2009

#1390

Late Night From 11/30

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." –Jay Leno

"The man who crashed the White House state dinner, his name is Tareq Salahi. You know, just with that name alone, you think they would have strip-searched the guy." –Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." –Jay Leno

"And at the White House state dinner the other night, Nancy Pelosi rolled her eyes and blew off a reporter when they asked her who made her gown. It was a huge deal. Not the question, the fact that Nancy Pelosi changed her facial expression." –Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations. Chelsea Clinton just got engaged to her longtime boyfriend. That's very exciting. And I understand Bill is already planning the bachelor party." –Jay Leno

"The official White House Christmas tree was unveiled today on the South Lawn. Actually, it turned out to be a regular tree, but it snuck in through the White House security." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service is in a lot of hot water after what happened. But I think give the Secret Service a break. When the Secret Service heard there was a crazy couple in White House, they just assumed it was the Bidens." –Craig Ferguson

"This Friday, the official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list." –Conan O'Brien

"Of course you've been hearing about them, the couple who crashed the White House state dinner. They were supposed to be on 'Larry King Live' tonight, but they canceled their appearance. Apparently, they didn't feel right showing up to a place where they were actually invited." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." –Conan O'Brien

"A top Iranian official says Iran had no intention of building new nuclear facilities until they were recently criticized by the U.N. It's all a part of the country's official motto, 'Iran, we're 5 years old!'" –Conan O'Brien

Monday, Dec 14, 2009

#1391

Late Night From 12/01

""The Secret Service just announced that due to that couple crashing the White House state dinner last week, they will change some of their screening policies. For example, the password to get into the White House will no longer be, 'Seriously, they said we could come.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After months of deliberation, our president, President Obama, tonight revealed his much-anticipated plans for Afghanistan. Turns out he's decided to pave it over and make a Wal-Mart out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Dec 15, 2009

#1392

Late Night From 12/02
Part 1

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at West Point. Right in the middle, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly said that President Obama's speech was 'no Gettysburg address.' When he heard this, Larry King said: 'How would you know? I don't remember seeing you there.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine plans to announce its 'Person of the Year' next week. And top contenders include President Obama and Steve Jobs. The other top contender? The one guy who still reads Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. A list of this year's 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania." –Conan O'Brien

"After three months of will he or won't he, the president went on all the major networks and NBC to finally reveal what he is going to do about Afghanistan. And for critics who say Americans haven't sacrificed for these wars, well, they have now. Because last night, the president's speech actually preempted the annual showing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Good grief, it's literally a war on Christmas." –Stephen Colbert

Wed., Dec 16, 2009

#1393

Late Night From 12/02
Part 2

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable." –Jay Leno

"The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers." –Jay Leno

"But this is serious, because that couple who crashed the White House state dinner ended up meeting the president. Did you see that? There's a photo of them meeting face-to-face with President Obama, which is amazing when you realize that even Fox News had not met face-to-face with President Obama." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." –Jay Leno

"I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, Dec 17, 2009

#1394

Late Night From 12/03

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security." –Jay Leno

"Oh, how is this for nerve? That White House party-crashing couple refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. Unbelievable. The one thing they actually get invited to, they don't show up." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been reported that President Obama's speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC's new shows, 'Afghanistan's Got Talent,' 'Law & Order: Kabul,' and 'The Tonight Show With Hamid O'Karzai.'" –Conan O'Brien

Friday, Dec 18, 2009

#1395

Late Night From 12/04

"During an interview Tuesday on the 'Today' show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner, said the ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we worked for, but then they remembered they have never worked for anything." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea pParty convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

"Cable giant Comcast this week finalized a deal to acquire control of NBC Universal from General Electric for $6 billion. The final sticking point to the deal was GE convincing Comcast that it's still 1996." –Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." –Seth Meyers

"It was a busy night at the White House last night. And they had a big party. And during the evening, this is true, President Obama got up and danced with Santa Claus. That happened, yeah. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama dances with old man who makes kid sit on his lap.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The unemployment numbers came out and even though the unemployment rate went down slightly, seven million fewer people are employed compared to last year. The one positive outcome: seven million fewer people will be subjected to an office Christmas Party this year." -Jimmy Fallon

"Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas at the White House for an Oprah prime-time Christmas special. For the taping there will be dozens of Secret Service guys, sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs. And of course, Obama will have protection too." -Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Dec 19, 2009

#1396

Late Night From 12/07

"Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, 'Listen, we know how you can get back in.'" –Jay Leno

"Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don't think Michelle's going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer." –Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, 'Happy Holidays.' The other 78% say, 'Feliz Navidad.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Well, hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Wood's house." –David Letterman

"Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn't sneak into the White House?" –David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there's a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. 'Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.' It's the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren't invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy's got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama. Did you hear about this? He spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student's follow-up question was, 'Do you ever hear colors?'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa, a large group of people waited outside a Sarah Palin book signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The large group of people was known as the Iowa Democratic Party." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, 'Of course, by then, I'll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Fifteen thousand people talking about climate change for two weeks. It's basically Al Gore's version of Ozzfest." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center last night, President Obama said, 'I'm the President, but he's the Boss.' And then Biden was like, 'Then who the hell is Tony Danza?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Dec 20, 2009

#1397

Late Night From 12/8
Part 1

"And Sarah Palin's book, 'Going Rogue,' number one on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times." –Jay Leno

"And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He's writing his memoirs. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron to help him."

"This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, ABC aired 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Finally aired it. It was, you know, that warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president's speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people were upset when the president postponed the Charlie Brown special. Obama himself had to deal with some tantrums when he got home. He had to give Joe Biden a timeout." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, the 'Today' show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan's number one morning show, 'Good Morning and Death to America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Dec 21, 2009

#1398

Late Night From 12/8
Part 2

"How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they're going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they're being invited somewhere." –David Letterman

"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been slipping into Afghanistan. He likes to go into Afghanistan, do a little shopping, see a couple of shows, have dinner and then he goes home." –David Letterman

"Yesterday — did you hear about this? You know who Sarah Palin is? She's at a book signing and somebody heaves a tomato at her. That's not good, but at least finally she and I have something in common." –David Letterman

"You know, the global warming? They're having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it's being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they're able to move the global warming conference outdoors." –David Letterman

"And tomorrow at the global warming conference, a Martian shows up in Copenhagen to issue the Earth a dire warning." –David Letterman

"But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That's going to cool things off a little bit." –David Letterman

"Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA's controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We've got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis." –Jay Leno

"Hey, remember that incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three Secret Service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. But you know something? The White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border guards. Yeah, so, they should have known." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and some crime news in Chicago. Burglars broke into the office of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Well, here's the amazing part. Prosecutors said there was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was there." –Jay Leno

Tueday, Dec 22, 2009

#1399

Late Night From 12/9
Part 1

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge inAfghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they're getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, 'Season's Greetings' on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn't have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn't be Christmas without that." –Jimmy Kimmel|

Stephen Colbert on the "GOP Purity Test," which defines 10 bedrock Republican principles: "They're like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.' I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity."

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house

Wed., Dec 23, 2009

#1400

Late Night From 12/9
Part 2

"Do you know what President Obama is doing tomorrow? And this is kind of cool, especially if you're the president. He's going to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. And as you know, the Nobel Prize is a predictor of the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I looked this up. In the history of presidents in the United States, only two have won Nobel Prizes while they were in office. The first one, of course, Woodrow Wilson, because he is the man that they credit for ending World War I; second, Theodore Roosevelt, for, what? Yes. He invented the Teddy Bear."  –David Letterman

"The Salahis — now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway."  –David Letterman

"Well, did you hear about this, ladies and gentlemen? I thought this was exciting. Our top commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, says that it's time now to get Osama bin Laden. Why not? All right."  –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been sneaking into Afghanistan from Pakistan and as a matter of fact, in Afghanistan, he lost $125 million in the casino."  –David Letterman

"You know how I warmed up today? I stayed inside and watched the coverage of the global warming conference." –Jay Leno

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a '6-year-old with a crayon could' come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"And after a 13-year legal dispute over historical accounting mistakes by the Department of the Interior, the government has agreed to pay more than $3 billion in reparations to American Indians for the way they were treated, to which black people said, 'Hello? Civil War, hello! Slavery, we're here, anybody?'" –Jay Leno

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