Jokes of the day

1201 - 1300

Sunday, May 03, 2009

#1201

Late Night From 04/16
Part 1

"We have a new 'border czar.' His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas." --Jay Leno

"Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they'll be a foreign country, 'like Alaska and Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno

"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno

"President Obama's now in Mexico. He has already met with the FWEA, the Future Wal-Mart Employees of America." --Jay Leno

"And, you know, Obama is the consummate politician. You see him trying to appeal to the Mexican people? Like, he even changed his slogan to 'Yes, we Mexi-can.' That's what he said today." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno

"In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con had no takers. In fact, you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected." --Jay Leno

"Oh, well, here is something that makes me proud to be a member of the NBC family. NBC has signed disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to star in a reality series. It's called, 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!' This is different from the show he did in Illinois. That was, 'He's an Idiot, Get Him Out of There.'" --Jay Leno

"The state of California says that singer Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. I feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, if there had only been some sort of group or network of psychics she could have consulted with." --Jay Leno

"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

Monday, May 04, 2009

#1202

Late Night From 04/16
Part 2

"George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called 'Decision Point,' because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I'm serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones." --David Letterman

"Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I'm in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, 'Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.' And the driver said, 'I'm not talking on my cell phone, I'm on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear what Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, said about Obama yesterday? He called his new policies 'unsubstantial and overrated.' Then Hillary Clinton said, 'That's exactly what I've been saying.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"To pay off her campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill Clinton. She is. Bill says he's thrilled to do it, as long as Hillary isn't allowed to enter the auction." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Mexico right now. So if you want to break any laws or anything, this is the time to do it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President arrived in Mexico City this morning to discuss border security, drug-related violence, and to officiate at a wet t-shirt contest. It's spring break for him too, you know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Part of the reason the President is there is to help stop the massive flow of drugs into America. Obama's basic message is, 'Stop selling us the stuff, no matter how much we pay you.' And I don't know if it's going to work." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still paying off her $6 million debt for her unsuccessful presidential campaign. And they're doing it by auctioning off a number of things, including a chance to spend a day with former President Bill Clinton in New York City, which I think technically makes Hillary a pimp, doesn't it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said Texans are fed up with Washington. He said they might secede from the rest of America. If Texas forms their own country, they could be invaded by Mexico. They'll have to change their name to Texico." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.
9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."
8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.
7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.
6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."
5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."
4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.
3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."
2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.
1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

#1203

Late Night From 04/17

"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on!" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno

"Here's a story that writes itself. People who contribute money to help Hillary Clinton pay off her presidential campaign are being offered the chance to spend a day with Bill Clinton. Yeah. ... No, that's real. All you have to be willing to do is write down everything Bill does and then report back to Hillary." --Jay Leno

"It's being reported a congressional aide caught a staph infection at the Congressional gym. Hey, let me tell you something. If that's all you catch from a congressman, consider yourself lucky." --Jay Leno

"Let me ask you something. Did you even know there was a Congressional gym? Have you seen your average congressman? Does Barney Frank look like he's been to the gym to you? No. I don't know who's using it." --Jay Leno

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"A 13-year-old boy in Peoria, Illinois, has been arrested and accused of robbing a bank. Well, the kid is obviously young and naive. He still thinks banks have money. You know how he got caught? ... He was Twittering 'I'm currently robbing a bank.'" --Jay Leno

"Nieman Marcus announced they're selling a diamond-studded dog collar for $3.2 million. Well, finally, it's nice to see one big company that's not out of touch with mainstream America." --Jay Leno

"More bad economic news. Southwest Airlines announced they lost $91 million in the first quarter. Now they say they're going to have to start cutting back. Cutting back? Have you ever flown Southwest, huh? What, are they taking the glass out of the windows?" --Jay Leno

There are more and more states now where you can get married if you are a gay couple. For example, Vermont, gay couples can get married in Vermont. So that's good news for Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman

"Earlier this week, there was a reunion of the Bush administration officials in Dallas, Texas. ... Reunion of Bush administration officials in Dallas, because there is one team you want to put back together, am I right? You bet, buddy. George W. Bush is now in his ninth year of not being president." --David Letterman

"The Obama family finally got their dog, a Portuguese water dog. And they have named the dog Bo. And so far, the training of the house-breaking has gone pretty well. The dog has not made any messes, not chewed any furniture. So already he's ahead of Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Bobby Jindal, the Republican governor of Louisiana, criticized Dick Cheney today, saying that he shouldn't question Obama's patriotism. In response, Cheney said, 'I respect your opinion. That's cool. Hey, would you like to go on a hunting trip this week?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Ashton Kutcher, apparently, has been going it with CNN. He has been competing with them to see who can get to a million followers on Twitter first. I guess Ashton and CNN have been rivals since high school. Ashton won the race, and there was some back talk, some smack talk between him and Larry King, all in good fun. He and Larry are friends, their wives are the same age."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"They're very competitive, and Ashton came out on top, so one million people are now following Ashton Kutcher's Tweets. Why would anyone want to be Ashton Kutcher's online friend? Haven't they seen what he does to his friends in real life? When a wrecking ball comes crashing through the windshield of your Honda Accord, don't be surprised. It was probably your new friend." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., May 06, 2009

#1204

Late Night From 04/20

"There's been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won't thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno

"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno

"And amid much criticism, President Obama has released top-secret terror memos from the Bush Administration. According to the memos, President Bush authorized various forms of torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the 'Today' show." --Jay Leno

"And American hero, Captain Richard Phillips, who was recently captured by Somali pirates, flew home to Vermont over the weekend. Ironically, the movie on the plane, 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to 'The New York Times,' which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer's career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair." --Jay Leno

"President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now that April 15th has passed, they've all come out of hiding." --Jay Leno

"Very exciting news. We have a Miss USA Her name is Kristen Dalton, and she is from North Carolina. She says she's now looking forward to one day being the Republican vice presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno

"Well, recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book." --David Letterman

"It's hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded." --Craig Ferguson

"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC and we're part doing our part here at 'Late Night.' In fact, the whole monologue tonight is recycled from Friday's show." --Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama was in Venezuela this weekend for the Summit of the Americas, and he shook hands with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Yeah, people are pretty upset about it. He's a socialist dictator. You don't shake his hand. Instead, you offer your hand, then pull it back and say, 'Psych! Sucker.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton, who won the Miss USA pageant last night. So, I guess Republicans now have a V.P. candidate for 2012." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard in the Meeting Between Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez

10. Donde esta 'el Presidente dumb-ass'?
9. Sorry, Mr. President, they don't sell Marlboros here.
8. Let's get a picture of you shaking hands with Hugo Chavez to really piss off Rush Limbaugh.
7. Mr. Chavez, I have a book for you, too -- Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
6. Does this breakup mean Lindsay Lohan is back to dating guys?
5. Remember, you can't spell Hugo without "hug."
4. I can't believe they killed Edie on "Desperate Housewives."
3. Does Biden really think he's fooling anybody with those plugs?
2. I think there's one thing we can both agree on -- there's a new star in the
Hollywood galaxy by the name of Zac Efron.
1. Is it too late for me to buy your Senate seat?

Thurdsay, May 07, 2009

#1205

Late Night From 04/21

"What was it, 101 today? Man, it was hot. People were sweating like Miss California at the gay pride parade." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that moron Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, trying to use President Obama for photo-ops? Whenever the cameras were around, he'd come right up next to Obama, you know, and try to get into the shot. Anyway, it turns out Chavez is the Spanish name for Gloria Allred. I didn't know that." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in -- this is an unbelievable number -- $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here's my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can't live without the other, right?" --Jay Leno

"They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like nothing." --Jay Leno

"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"And Rod Blagojevich, the indicted former governor of Illinois, lost his bid to travel to Costa Rica to appear on that NBC reality show, 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' No, he was supposed to be on that show and the judge said he couldn't go. You know what reality show he could be on? 'Cops.' How about 'Cops?'" --Jay Leno

"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman

"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman

"You remember Dick Cheney? He was the guy who would go hunting and shoot guys. Also, our vice president, and I think the first vice president in a long time to actually shoot a guy. He's now criticizing Barack Obama, because Barack Obama, one of the jobs he has to take care of now is sort of re-building the image and reputation of the United States around the world. Well, Dick Cheney has said ohh, no, no, no. He said he was very upset. He described [Obama's] trip as a 'disturbing trip.' See, here's the deal. Here's what happened. Bush and Cheney handed Obama this country on a silver platter. And now look what he's doing with it! That's the problem." --David Letterman

"A journalist from Playboy magazine attempted to withstand 15 seconds of waterboarding. And he's going to write all about it in an article that no one will ever read." --Craig Ferguson

"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC. We're all getting into it. Everyone here at NBC is pitching in. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back into the wild." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City

10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?

Friday, May 08, 2009

#1206

Late Night From 04/22

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

"Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno

"Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno

"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his desk was torture. 'I'm not readin' that.'" --Jay Leno

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"How about those Somali pirates? So they bring one of the pirates to New York City so they can put him on trial. But he will also be doing some other stuff. Like, tomorrow, he's going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange. Friday he'll be on 'Rachel Ray' making Clams Mogadishu, and he will be the starting pitcher for the Yankees. Monday, he'll be on the 'Today' show singing 'I Dream a Dream.' And Monday night, he'll be sleeping with Madonna. That's the full schedule." --David Letterman

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

"Speaking of things like that, classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'?" --David Letterman

"But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

"President Obama has kind of a happier outlook on torture. He says instead of waterboarding terrorists, he's going to put them in dunk tanks." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney is now criticizing President Obama, and he's saying that his recent actions around the world are 'disturbing' and 'not helpful.' Yeah, yeah, things were so much better when Cheney was president, weren't they?" --David Letterman

"Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he's talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he's looking forward to spending less time with his family." --David Letterman

"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman

"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. It was just so fun. 'Look sis, it’s one of those dark brown Seventh Generation paper towels. Yeah, I love those.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 09, 2009

#1207

Late Night From 04/23

"Here's a name out of the past. He used to be governor of the state of New York. Eliot Spitzer, does that ring a bell? Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers." --David Letterman

"The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a reputation for being on top of everything." --David Letterman

"Do you know who is in town? One of the Somali pirates is on trial here in the United States. But he is not just in court. No, this pirate is everywhere. For example, this weekend, he's hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday, he's attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he's going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he's having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he's going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he's got a big, full schedule." --David Letterman

"Last night, I was watching 'Larry King,' who was interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin's baby. And Larry asked, 'Exactly where did sex occur in the Palins' house?' And then it was incredible, my TV threw up" --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, May 10, 2009

#1208

Late Night From 04/24

"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

"Of course, the really big news is what's going on in Washington, and Obama opening the door, now, to prosecuting former Bush officials about torture, or, as they call it, severe interrogation procedures, which include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, forced nudity. We have outlawed all of these practices, although they are still challenges on 'The Love of Ray-J,' which is a television show." --Bill Maher

"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher

"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher

"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it -- 'Alienated vs. Predator.'" --Craig Ferguson

"It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman." --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget '' $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles." --Jimmy Fallon

"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman

"Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since 'The View.'" --David Letterman

"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

Monday, May 11, 2009

#1209

Late Night From 04/27

"Great to be back. As you know, I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico." --Jay Leno

"But you learn a lot about the system. You know, like, people say, 'Oh, where do hospitals get the nerve to charge $10 for an aspirin?' See, this is why President Obama wants to do something about healthcare in this country. See, under his plan, hospital aspirin only costs a dollar maximum. Of course, there would be a $9 tax on it." --Jay Leno

"I wasn't that sick, but some people are, because of this swine flu, which has knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. You notice that? So, it's obvious who is spreading the swine flu. Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Well, it's interesting. They call it swine flu because they think it originated either with pigs or an AIG executive." --Jay Leno

"Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno

"Next month in Canada, former President George W. Bush and former President Bill Clinton will have a debate. They're gonna debate each other. The topic will be, 'which is better, getting in bed with big oil or big women?" --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, third graders in China are being forced to get second jobs." --Jay Leno

"And the bad economy is hitting Nashville. Nashville's in bad shape. You know Big and Rich? Now down and out." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez asked President Obama to give him the book back. He needs the money." --Jay Leno

"GM is phasing out Pontiac. You know what that means? Another $20 million bonus for the head of GM" --David Letterman

"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman

"Yes, Obama is marking 100 days as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage today." --David Letterman

"I think this is a first for President Obama. This weekend he played golf. President Obama apparently, and at one point, and this happens, you know, you play golf, he got stuck really deep in a sand trap. Same thing happened to George Bush, and it's called Iraq." --David Letterman

"Now, here's the difference between President Obama and our previous Democratic president, President Clinton. President Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around." --David Letterman

"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman

"In a new interview, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad complained that President Obama hasn't been returning his messages. No offense Mahmoud, but maybe he's just not that into you." --Craig Ferguson

"There's no denying it, folks. The nation is in something of a panic right now. Swine flu has America on edge on a lot of different levels. But know, folks, there's absolutely no reason ... to be too upset. I say we should have seen this thing coming, but too many people laughed off these terrifying words of warning [on screen: Porky the Pig saying 'That's all, folks!']. I call him Porky the Prophet. I'd be far more comfortable with coyote flu. Somehow that never manages to kill you. I guess it's time to admit that Jews and Muslims were right about the whole pig thing. That hurts. The only thing we Christians have to comfort us is the one true God [on screen: a picture of Jesus]" --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

#1210

Late Night From 04/28
Part 1

"President Obama, if you take a look at it, has accomplished quite a lot in his first 100 days. By way of comparison, take a look at George W. Bush's first 100 days in office. This is in his memoir. So, according to that, Bush spent 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." --David Letterman

"Hey, did you hear about Arlen Specter, the senator? He left the Republican Party and became a Democrat. What?! It's very odd, to switch teams like this. Who does he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?" --Craig Ferguson

"Specter announced he'd become a Democrat and the Republicans are like, 'Yeah, he's been a Democrat for about 15 years.'" --Craig Ferguson

"It's a very bad day in America for people who swear, because, today, the Supreme Court said that the government can continue its crackdown on TV swearing. In fact, I can't even say crackdown." --Craig Ferguson

"Hi, I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of the show. Let's make this quick. I have to get back into my quarantine bubble." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anyone here have the swine flu? You know, they say the best way to steer clear of it is to avoid congregating in large groups. Obviously, that message did not get to any of you." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So far, the swine flu has been identified in at least 19 countries. Hardest hit of all is Mexico, so everyone in that country looks like Michael Jackson, with the face mask." --Jimmy Kimmel

"To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn't work." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They traced the origin of the new strain of swine flu back to one little piggy who went to market when he should have stayed home." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This really is big, because Specter's move puts the Democrats within a hair's breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate's balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. What a country!" --Jon Stewart

"Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted donkey flu. Folks, this disease is now officially out of control. Back in 2004, we thought we had it contained to the coasts and the cities, but then it mutated and tore through the country [on screen: a map of 2004, showing most states as red states. The next map, from 2008, showed more blue states than there previously were]. Republicans tried to fight it off, but their white cells weren't strong enough, although they were very, very white [on screen: photos of four prominent Republicans]. Now, we should have seen this coming, folks. Specter was exhibiting the classic symptoms of donkey flu: mild fever, and being 21 points behind in Republican primary polls. I want to warn Maine Republican Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins to take every possible precaution. Donkey flu is highly contagious and virtually incurable. Only one man has ever beaten it, but clearly, it took a horrible toll [on screen: a photo of Independent Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut]." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., May 13, 2009

#1211

Late Night From 04/28
Part 2

"As you know, a big holiday is coming next week here in Los Angeles and Mexico: Sicko de Mayo." --Jay Leno

"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno

"Remember the good old days when we thought the only bad pork was in the Federal budget?" --Jay Leno

"Give you an idea how bad it is with the swine flu, earlier today, the U.S. took down the wall between the United States and Mexico and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard." --Jay Leno

"They say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its start in Mexico and came up here? Employees." --Jay Leno

"They say this swine flu is pretty rough, if you happen to get it. In fact, on the news today, I heard a commentator say, 'You wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy.' People always say that about something that's really bad. But are you all hoping that Osama bin Laden or Bernard Madoff doesn't get this?" --Jay Leno

"Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that, the 747 jet flying low over New York City? It caused a huge panic. Some government idiot thought it would be a good idea to buzz the city to get pictures of planes flying over the Statue of Liberty. But they didn't warn anybody. What's the government's next big idea? 'Hey, let's send a guy in a pirate costume to Captain Richard Phillips' house.'" --Jay Leno

"And in a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess." --Jay Leno

"And I love this. At the Summit of the Americas, the leaders of Cuba, Nicaragua, and Venezuela all agreed that capitalism will destroy the planet. Then they all hopped in their private jets and returned to their huge palaces." --Jay Leno

"Well, the U.S. government is saying look out for the swine flu, which apparently comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with that country. So, the U.S. is going to be fine." --David Letterman

"Here's something else I didn't want to bring up but I have to. You folks in the balcony, be careful. You may be buzzed by Air Force One. So look out." --David Letterman

"This is, I mean, this is exciting. Air Force One was in New York City and apparently nobody knew. They didn't make the call. Hello! Air Force One comes to New York City and wants to take some pictures. They send it right up and start buzzing New York City. I mean, isn't this something you would expect from the Bush Administration?" --David Letterman

"So, they fly Air Force One up here and take a photo of it at the Statue of Liberty. Next, the Bronx Zoo. Plane had its picture taken at the Bronx Zoo. After that, it went to Yankee Stadium and had its picture taken there. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It's here tonight. How about a nice hand for Air Force One? It's here." --David Letterman

"President Obama is now saying that the flyover was a mistake. If you're scoring at home, by the way, Obama still trails Bush in the mistake total by about 10,000. So we're okay." --David Letterman

"By the way, tomorrow, I believe, marks 100 days for President Obama in office as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, to give you an idea what else is going on, today, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac." --David Letterman

Thurdsay, May 14, 2009

#1212

Late Night From 04/29

"Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I'm not sure what to do this year. I'm stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm." --Jay Leno

"But, hey, people are very worried about this swine flu epidemic, but the best course of action is prevention. Like, if you go to IHOP and you order the pigs in the blanket, and you notice they're coughing, you don't want to eat that." --Jay Leno

"No, actually, that's a fallacy, too. They said today you cannot get swine flu from eating pork, which, of course, raises the question, so what were these guys doing with the pig?" --Jay Leno

"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno

"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, President Barack Obama took an hour of TV time to address the American people, but the Fox network didn't air it, choosing instead to run their regular program 'Lie to Me,' which, I believe, was the name of the Republican response, actually." --Jay Leno

"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno

"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that today, the White House flew a Southwest plane over the Statue of Liberty." --Jay Leno

"A beautiful day here in New York City, wasn't it? But it was cold, so cold that I was wearing two swine flu masks." --David Letterman

"How about that swine flu? The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel, an example of which would be flying Air Force One really low over New York City." --David Letterman

"President Obama is celebrating his first 100 days in office. How about that? I don't care whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, this guy has really had quite a lot to deal with. I mean, let's take a look at the list -- recession, two wars, swine flu, runaway Air Force One. Crazy." --David Letterman

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched parties

10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?

Friday, May 15, 2009

#1213

Late Night From 04/30
Part 1

"New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell." --David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden got himself in a little bit of hot water because earlier on the 'Today' show, he's shooting his mouth off. He's saying that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Joe, listen to this -- the subways weren't safe before swine flu." --David Letterman

"People magazine has published its 100 most beautiful people issue. Is it me or is People magazine starting to lose its edge. Anyway, I was on the list, thank you very much, right between Arlen Specter and Susan Boyle." --David Letterman

"Anybody see President Barack Obama's press conference last night? Well, did you know that during the press conference, three more Republicans defected?" --David Letterman

"Senator Arlen Specter, though, has really left the Republican Party, which is like resigning from Chrysler." --David Letterman

"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman

"Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they're trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed now, 200 in Texas alone. The swine flu is like a new snow day. I would be delighted if I was a child at this time. But whenever something like this flu happens, it's important, I think, to find someone to point the finger at and usually the person who's responsible is the person who stands to benefit from it. So that is why I'm blaming the people at Purell for the swine flu. They started this. I know they did it and if they'd just come clean, I think we'd all forgive them, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The government does not want us to call it the swine flu. They're calling it the 2009 H1N1 virus. The reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity and heart disease." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In business news after receiving billions of dollars in government bailout money, the company Chrysler ended up filing for bankruptcy protection today. Chrysler was founded in 1923 by Walter P. Chrysler, but it really took off under his younger brother, Jesus H. Chrysler, who's I guess like some kind of marketing genius." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 16, 2009

#1214

Late Night From 04/30
Part 2

"I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City." --Jay Leno

"That's the big story. Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that waterboarding when you really need it?" --Jay Leno

"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno

"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden 's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease." --Jay Leno

"You know who's really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon." --Jay Leno

"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno

"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno

"And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We're learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year's supply of Ensure." --Jay Leno

"Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party." --Jay Leno

"Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation's leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 17, 2009

#1215

Late Night From 05/01
Part 1

"Well, here's the latest. The White House says, as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Vice President Biden got in a little bit of trouble yesterday when he suggested that people should avoid commercial flights and subways if they want to stay healthy. Yeah. Today, President Obama recommended that Biden avoid microphones and TV cameras for the very same reason." --Jay Leno

"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno

"I think a lot of people are really overreacting to this whole swine flu thing. Don't you? Come on. Like today at Disney World, they quarantined Sneezy. There was no cause for that." --Jay Leno

"Cheney, he overreacted, too. Today, he waterboarded a pig. There's no reason for that. No reason." --Jay Leno

"And Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he is retiring next month. You know who's replacing him? I was surprised. Conan." --Jay Leno

"President Obama says they're already looking hard to try and find a replacement for Justice Souter who hasn't, you know, paid any taxes." --Jay Leno

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Hey! Some happy news. As you may have heard, the White House has a brand-new puppy. I believe his name is Arlen Specter." --Jay Leno

"I'm sure you've heard, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic Party. Yeah, today, Obama told Republicans look, we'll give you Biden and call it even." --Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week he is worried that the country is losing its love of learning. You may have heard him say this. He said we need to show as much attention to science award winners as we do basketball players. Now, didn't he just install a basketball court in the White House? I guess the West Wing science lab is next on the list." --Jay Leno

"According to a poll on the Marie Claire website, they asked people what they would do to keep their job? Interesting. 28% said they would give up their office to keep their job. 27% said they would work fewer hours to keep their job. And 45% said they would move to 10:00. --Jay Leno

"Finally, some good economic news. They're hiring at the Supreme Court. There's going to be an opening. David Souter is retiring, apparently, after a brief, terrifying conversation with Joe Biden." --Bill Maher

"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher

"Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about this, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn.." --Bill Maher

"And the other reason, of course, is because this week Arlen Specter has crossed the aisle. Now, maybe it's because he's 79, he just wants to be closer to the bathroom, but he's now a Democrat, so they have a filibuster-proof majority there in the Senate. Obama could pick anybody! 'I, Flava-Flav, do solemnly swear that I will administer...'" --Bill Maher

"They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that's probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn." --Bill Maher

"Are you getting tired of swine flu hysteria? I think the media has done a hell of a job scaring the hell out of everybody in this country. I mean, planes have been diverted, people don't touch elevator buttons, proms have been canceled. At middle schools all across the country, students and teachers have been warned not to kiss during sex. And all for what? As of this morning, 331 confirmed cases worldwide. I've had more people than that in my Jacuzzi." --Bill Maher

"Researchers at Northwestern University said the worst-case scenario is that Swine Flu will infect 1,700 Americans over the next month. Best-case scenario? Turns you into a wolverine." --Bill Maher

"So, I guess the other big news you heard: Chrysler, bankrupt, finally. Yes, this is very bad news for Chrysler drivers. I mean, besides the fact they drive a Chrysler. ... Chrysler is partnering now with Fiat! They have a new slogan: 'Chrysler: It's supposed to make that noise'" --Bill Maher

"I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the program. Unfortunately, because of the swine flu, I cannot physically hug you all. But I want you to know that I'm hugging each of you in my heart right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now, I'm an hour away from a long, luxurious weekend of washing my hands every five minutes and loading my shotguns to fight off any swine flu zombies that might wander into the yard." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, May 18, 2009

#1216

Late Night From 05/01
Part 2

"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. Here is some good gossip. I got this off the hotline from Washington. As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That's got to be Bill's worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno

"In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Oh, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead." --Jay Leno

"The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, 'The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,' or as John Edwards calls it, 'a horror film.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, former presidential candidate John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

#1217

Late Night From May 4, 2009

"Are you aware of the fact that President Obama's mother-in-law is living in the White House? And the woman has really taken to it. She says she loves living in the White House. But there was some trouble today when she took Air Force One on another flight over New York." --David Letterman

"President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, recently went out to dinner at a restaurant. And after dinner, they took a romantic sunset walk around the White House grounds. And I was thinking, well, Bill Clinton used to take romantic strolls, but I think he waited until his wife was out of town." --David Letterman

"Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down. Now this guy has been called a reclusive loner who is against marriage. It's like I have a twin." --David Letterman

"Souter is stepping down because he said he wants to spend more time judging his family." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman

"President Obama called his first 100 days as president, 'tense but fruitful.' That's quite a coincidence, because 'tense and fruitful' is also how Joe Biden describes his hair conditioner." --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out because I made a big mistake. It was so stupid. I took all of my money out of the stock market and put it in a chain of HoneyBaked Ham stores in Mexico." --Jay Leno

"In the latest swine flu update, the Mexican government has told its citizens to stay home, to which Lou Dobbs said, 'I've been telling them that for years!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno

"And up in Canada, Canadian officials are saying that a herd of pigs caught the swine flu from a human. They said the human involved is a pig farmer who recently visited Mexico. Well, good job by the Canadian customs officials catching that one. 'And where did you visit?' 'Mexico.' 'And what is your profession?' 'Pig farmer.' 'I see no problem. Come right in.'" --Jay Leno

"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

Wed., May 20, 2009

#1218

Late Night From 05/05
Part 1

"The White House says they will not be releasing the photos that the Air Force One plane recently took of the landmarks of New York City. I don't know what they were doing. They were putting together a brochure, but the White House now says they won't release the photos. Is it just me or is Obama bushing it up a little bit on this one?" --David Letterman

"But it's nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that." --David Letterman

"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman

"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson

"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon

"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, May 21, 2009

#1219

Late Night From 05/05
Part 2

"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno

"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno

"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno

"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno

"Here's an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She's considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That's kind of a lateral move, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno

"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders." --Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno

"Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That's how bad' the economy is." --Jay Leno

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. It seems as though we have the old swine flu on the run. The people down there at the CDC, Centers for Disease Control, say that it is now mild. They consider the swine flu to be mild. But they did say because today is Cinco de Mayo, today and today only, it will be spicy." --David Letterman

"They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff." --David Letterman

Friday, May 22, 2009

#1220

Late Night From 05/08
Part 1

"It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party's younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works." --Bill Maher

"You did hear about John Edwards, didn't you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on 'Oprah' this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them." --Bill Maher

"She told Oprah, he's a really good man who did a very bad thing. But if you take that one thing out of it, we had a perfect marriage. It sounds to me like she's trying to get America to forgive John, because Lord knows she ain't!" --Bill Maher

"Elizabeth Edwards attacked her husband's mistress. Somehow, John Edwards convinced his wife it was the mistress' fault, and she seduced him. Guys, let me tell you something: don't try this with your wife, okay? John Edwards is a politician and a trial lawyer. That means he is a professional liar. He knows how to do this. You cannot get away with this. It will not work for you." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards said yesterday he feels that he and his wife are getting to a better place. Yeah. Actually, she is getting to a better place. He is looking for a smaller place. Two-bedroom, furnished, off-street parking, nothing fancy." --Jay Leno

"This week at the White House, during the Cinco de Mayo celebration, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish. And then Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all." --Jay Leno

"A lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn't had the best of luck with ministers." --Jay Leno

"In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. Yes. He is calling his program 'Weed the People.'" --Jay Leno

"Health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. It combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. They're calling it the turducken of infectious diseases." --Jimmy Fallon

"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama actually came up with a pretty good gift for his wife Michelle: he's giving her that pirate he captured." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 23, 2009

#1221

Late Night From 05/08
Part 2

"Louis Caldera, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over lower Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop?" --Seth Meyers

"Pope Benedict on Friday began his first trip to the Middle East, in hopes that the Catholic church can play a role in the region's peace process. And because it's the Middle East, he traveled in the official pope mobile inside another pope mobile." --Seth Meyers

"On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced a line of assless duck-waders." --Seth Meyers

"Gay marriage is now legal in five states. This is not one of them, so hold your breath. It's pretty much anywhere in New England now you can be as gay as you want to be. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but L.L. Bean now is selling assless chinos." --Bill Maher

"Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry -- I think they were stoned -- they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here." --Bill Maher

"Don't start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener." --Bill Maher

"But in Mexico, they are still taking precautions. The sex show, in Tijuana? The donkey now wears a condom." --Bill Maher

"What a panicky nation this is. In one week, we went from the hell pox to, now, the Center for Disease Control is having to warn people not to have swine flu parties. I swear to God, people were having swine flu parties, where they would infect each other on purpose, to build up the immunity." --Bill Maher

"I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher

"Joe the plumber said at first he was flattered the Republicans were asking him for advice, and then one day, he remembered, he's a moron." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher

Sunday, May 24, 2009

#1222

Late Night From 05/11

"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama did a great job delivering jokes at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. In fact, NBC is trying to sign him now for the 9 p.m. slot." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse, New York, where he said his dog is smarter than President Obama's dog. Actually, the dog is smarter than Biden, because it at least knows when not to speak." --Jay Leno

"Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke." --Jay Leno

"How could California be broke by July? What happened to all the money we gave them on April 15th?" --Jay Leno

"And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno

"And the National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno

"It seems like the drug Manny Ramirez tested positive for is commonly used for female fertility. I guess the team started getting suspicious when he stopped getting jock itch and started getting that not so fresh feeling." --Jay Leno

"You know what they had over the weekend down there in Washington, D.C.? They had the White House Correspondents' Dinner. President Obama was unbelievably funny, so NBC has offered him the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman

"After the dinner, President Obama was all excited and stuff, so he head-butted Rush Limbaugh." --David Letterman

"How about Major League Baseball's Manny Ramirez, huh? Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug. But the good news is, he's apparently expecting twins." --David Letterman

"The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me." --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm going to begin tonight by saying this: conservatives have long made hay of the supposed Hollywood liberal Democratic leadership media elite triumvirate. An unholy union, working to destroy all that is good and decent about this noble experiment we call America. It's a paranoid fantasy that exists in the minds of the most radically partisan right wingers. What evidence do we have of the politico-gover-tain-journo axis? It exists in legend, like the Sasquatch, or the Jersey devil. Tom Hanks' mean streak. If it were true, wouldn't Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner been a veritable three-way suck and f*** amongst those groups? [on screen: breathless media coverage of the commingling of Washington and Hollywood]. Sasquatch is real. Ahh! Ahh!"

Monday, May 25, 2009

#1223

Late Night From 05/12

"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Elizabeth's book 'Resilience' hit the stands today. But John Edwards also has a new book out. It is called 'Cheating for Dummies.'" --Jay Leno

"The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn't that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking, isn't it? 'Hey, nobody's buying our product. Let's raise the price.'" --Jay Leno

"Anybody ever mail anything any more? Well, the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. Pretty soon, it will actually be cheaper and easier to just put a little glue on a dollar bill and stick it to an envelope." --David Letterman

"Anybody see the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend? Vice President Joe Biden was funny. I mean, not shoot your buddy in the face funny. But he was funny, you know. He did what he could." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"President Obama's national security advisor says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. Same thing with Larry King -- we don't know." --David Letterman

"Yeah, they don't know if bin Laden is dead or alive. I was thinking, hell, our last president didn't know if Lincoln was dead or alive, either. What are you going to do?" --David Letterman

"This is big news. President Obama fired our top military commander in Afghanistan, General David McKiernan. It was a tough call to fire him, but in the end, Obama hired Joan Rivers, so I think it'll be -- I love Joan Rivers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, a 12-year-old boy has officially filed to run for president of Iran. They're calling it the craziest thing to happen in Iran since a woman drove a car." --Jimmy Fallon

"What a scandal we've had brewing here in the Golden State. You're not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

#1224

Late Night From 05/13
Part 1

"What a good crowd, boy! It's obvious you folks don't have money in the stock market. Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California's top." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his campaign slogan is 'Change We Can Breathe In.'" --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how bad the economy is — today I saw a Republican driving a Prius." --Jay Leno

"Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious." --Jay Leno

"I'm very excited about this. John McCain's 97-year-old mom is on the show tonight. Here's the amazing part. She is 97, and somehow John is actually five years older than she is." --Jay Leno

"I don't know how that works. In fact, John is so old, she is back to cutting up his meat into little pieces again." --Jay Leno

"Drug officials are saying that because of the bad economy, the international cocaine market is suffering. It's not just affecting cocaine. It's trickling down. Today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the New York State Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the State Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Memoir

10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech.
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs.
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight.
7. "Memoir" is misspelled.
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble.
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio.
3. Sworn in as Governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine.
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper.
1. She voted for Obama

Wed., May 27, 2009

#1225

Late Night From 05/13
Part 2

"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she's not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that's right." --David Letterman

"Anybody graduating from high school or college right now? The NYU graduation speaker is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit. You ought to see her in a robe." --David Letterman

"And she told the grads, 'Work hard. Save your money. And one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game.' That's what Hillary Clinton said." --David Letterman

"Well, here's what I've heard from Washington. The Republicans are downhearted. They're disenchanted and they're worried now, the Republicans, because they're out of office, they're out of power. The Republicans are worried that the image of the Republican Party is downbeat and angry. And I was thinking, well if you ask me, honestly, all the fun went out of the Republican Party when Arlen Specter left. Are you like me, do you kind of feel, all right, the party's over!" --David Letterman

"Yeah, so the Republicans are angry. And I was thinking, well you know, the time to get angry might have been eight years ago, but that didn't happen." --David Letterman

"You know what they're doing right now, while we're down here enjoying some fine American comedy? The astronauts got in the shuttle, and they went up and they're tightening up the Hubble Space Telescope, doing some repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. And the mission is going great. Earlier today, they buzzed the statue of Liberty." --David Letterman

"But the telescope has photographed landmarks on the planet. And it's fantastic because it's way up in space, and they're looking at ancient landmarks. They took a picture of the ancient pyramids -- fantastic. Also the Roman Coliseum, beautiful from space. Great Wall of China. They took a picture of Regis." --David Letterman

"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson

"It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. 'There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'" --Craig Ferguson

Thurdsay, May 28, 2009

#1226

Late Night From 05/14

"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon

"A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I'm telling you, this wouldn't happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years." --Jimmy Fallon

"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, 'Now, that's torture.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and speaking of torture, I love this. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they're in trouble, 'He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, in a sudden reversal, President Obama now is fighting the release of dozens of new photos showing U.S. personnel allegedly abusing prisoners. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are now under review from Donald Trump. He's reviewing them to see if they're tasteful enough." --Jay Leno

"Well, let me ask you, have you noticed since this whole stupid topless Miss California thing started, we haven't heard anything about the swine flu? Weren't we all supposed to be dead by now?" --Jay Leno

"Does this name ring a bell -- evil Dick Cheney? He's in New York City. He's on another one of his stops on his 'Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Tour.' And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He's driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy." --David Letterman

"The NASA people have their own T.V. channel and you can watch what they are doing. So today, they flew up there in the space shuttle and changed cameras on the Hubble Telescope, the most powerful telescope in the history of the world. And yet, even the Hubble Telescope can still not see how Larry King stays on the air." --David Letterman

"To raise money for California, Governor Schwarzenegger says he's willing to sell some of the state's aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney. Apparently, he wants to use it as a vacation home in the summer. 'I can just relax in the atmosphere.'" --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain's mother was on TV last night saying she doesn't like Rush Limbaugh. I think I speak for all: John McCain's mother is still alive?" --Craig Ferguson

Friday, May 29, 2009

#1227

Late Night From 05/15

"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno

"You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn't get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn't do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn't a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn't groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe." --Jay Leno

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. Said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle hosted a night of poetry and music, featuring musicians, authors and poets. So maybe that's a sign the economy is starting to turn around, huh? When poets start working again? When poets get a job? That's a good sign." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said that the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind. Except, of course, Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'" --David Letterman

"This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school." --Jimmy Fallon

"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you guys see Oprah's show today? On Oprah's show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, May 30, 2009

#1228

Late Night From 05/16

"In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terror suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we'll just have to wait for Dick Cheney's Christmas card." --Amy Poehler

"Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean's stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hmm. Who would have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?" --Amy Poehler

"The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you're back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.'" --Amy Poehler

"I'm speechless, which is more than I can say for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney will not shut the f**k up. He's all over. He's on Fox News, he's on 'Face the Nation,' he's on every radio show. Today, he was on 'Oprah' complaining John Edwards cheated on him. He's everywhere. Remember the good ol' days when the guy who got tortured did the talking?" --Bill Maher

"Torture. That is the story that just will not go away in this country, and now with Nancy Pelosi in the middle of it. Yes, Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, 'We didn't torture.' Then it was, 'Okay we tortured, but it worked.' And now it's, 'Nancy Pelosi said we could! She said it was okay!'" --Bill Maher

"They say Nancy Pelosi was aware, as far back as 2003 that we tortured and didn't raise any questions about it. Which raises the big question: what did Nancy Pelosi know, and when was she going to tell her face?" --Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a 'trivial politician.' Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room. A 'trivial politician,' as opposed to Newt himself, who is a very serious, unemployed fat guy who runs a think tank out of his basement." --Bill Maher

"I'll tell you what I'm pissed off at. Obama was speaking at Arizona State University, and they denied him an honorary degree, because his body of work, according to them, is 'yet to come.' This is Arizona State University, the ultimate dumbass party school? You know when strippers say they're 'working their way through college?' This is the college. You can have a double major in binging and purging at this school. But Obama's not good enough for an honorary degree. The first black president of the Harvard Law Review, got more votes than anyone who ever ran for president. He's been on 'Oprah!'' --Bill Maher

Sunday, May 31, 2009

#1229

Late Night From 05/18
Part 1

"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, President Obama spoke at a couple colleges this week. He told the graduates at Arizona State they should not lead their lives like Bernard Madoff. Well, sure, if you're going to steal money and stay out of jail, become an executive at AIG That's how you do it." --Jay Leno

"And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, 'Tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

"And California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you're a Raider fan. You're losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison." --Jay Leno

"This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon

"In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama 'Spock with global sex appeal,' which is a bit of coincidence because Time magazine is calling Joe Biden 'Chewbacca with fur plugs.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Classified Pieces of Information Revealed by Joe Biden

10. Biden confirmed Vice President has no actual responsibilities.
9. Obama also bought his kids a kangaroo.
8. Nixon faked his death to escape gambling debts.
7. In case of trouble, President's car can turn into a fighting robot.
6. To enter Oval Office, you must know the President's secret fist-bump.
5. Biden often skips staff meetings to watch "Jon And Kate Plus Eight."
4. America will declare it's going out of business next Tuesday.
3. Obama smokes in his sleep.
2. When Bush ran out of pate at a state dinner, he fed Queen Elizabeth week-old taco meat.
1. Dick Cheney once caught waterboarding himself

Monday, June 1, 2009

#1230

Late Night From 05/18
Part 2

"The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He's here to see all of his favorite shows: 'Phantom', 'Wicked', 'Stomp.'" --David Letterman

"Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman

"Fascinating. I mean, on the other hand, you wonder about a vice president who's got a panic room. 'It's just the ice cream truck, Dick. You can come up.'" --David Letterman

"Yeah, the underground dungeon is where Dick and his evil monks plotted to take over the Vatican." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, there's good news for the environment. They're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots." --David Letterman

"The Lakers beat the Houston Rockets 89-70. This is the happiest people in LA have been to see somebody going back to Houston since George Bush left office." --Jay Leno

"Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno

"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno

"This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno

"And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It's called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, 'lather, rinse, impeach.' It's all right here." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

#1231

Late Night From 05/19

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, there was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them -- it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tellJoe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Hey, speaking of movies, Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne film coming out. I guess he's a CIA agent who tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. Yeah, but see, in this one, she's the one that gets amnesia. That's the twist." --Jay Leno

"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno

"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno

"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno

"A new survey by the Pew Research Center shows that the happiest people tend to be older, male and Republican. Two words for you, Dick Cheney. Okay? Realize, he's peaking. This is happiest he's ever going to be now." --Jay Leno

"Blink 182 on this show. Don't confuse that with Nancy Pelosi's favorite band. That's the Can't Blink 182." --Jay Leno

"Now, oh, you know what NASA is up to? You remember the Hubble Space Telescope. They're repairing it. The NASA astronauts went up there and they're doing a lot of work. Having some trouble. Because it's difficult. Everything is more difficult in space. You know that, right? Yeah. And they're having trouble. And I said, 'Well, no surprise to me that they're having trouble making these repairs. After all, these people aren't exactly rocket scientists.'" --David Letterman

"You know Vice President Joe Biden? Now they're saying that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney -- the old Vice President -- his hiding place. And Joe Biden says, 'Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.' And I was thinking if you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding." --David Letterman

"If you're planning to be in Toronto next week, there's going to be a great event. Former President Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be debating in Toronto. I mean, believe me, there's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count. Whoa! Cut me a slice of that. People are saying, 'Well, what's the point?' You know, the former presidents debating. I don't know about Clinton but for George W. Bush, it's understandable. I mean, you just can't keep a natural debater like this guy out of the game." --David Letterman

"Speaking of Bill Clinton, by the way, he's been appointed envoy to Haiti. At least that's what he's tellingHillary." --David Letterman

"Nation, you know I miss the Bush administration. At least with those guys, you knew where you stood, which was occasionally on a box while holding electrodes. That's why I was glad to see former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ... featured in the latest issue of GQ. Apparently, they gave George Clooney the month off. The story is that during the Iraq war, Rumsfeld's briefings to President Bush had cover pages featuring war photography and passages from the Bible. Because obviously, briefings about a war you just launched are a snooze unless you add a little pizzazz. So they added quotes like this one from Isaiah, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Of course, the answer was, 'The same soldiers, over and over again.' Then there's this one from Ephesians, 'Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.' See, Rumsfeld knew the troops already had the full armor of God, so they didn't need the full armor of actual armor. These cover pages should surprise no one. Bush and Rumsfeld are men of faith. In fact, they considered changing the Pentagon into the Jesus fish [on screen: a photo of a 'building' shaped like the Jesus fish]." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., June 3, 2009

#1232

Late Night From 05/20

"I had the most frustrating night the other night. I watched the season finale of '24' with Nancy Pelosi. You know, she couldn't remember the first 23 hours. Didn't remember any of the torture -- none of it!" --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno

"And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno

"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons." --Jimmy Fallon

"Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele put forth a brand new argument saying that gay marriage can't be done because it will be bad for small businesses, because if you allow gay marriage, then small business owners will have gay employees getting married, which will be devastating because [on screen: an excerpt from Steele's comments, during which he says 'all of a sudden I've someone who wasn't a spouse before who is now getting claimed as a spouse, that I now have financial responsibility for. You just cost me money']. In the eyes of Republican Chairman Michael Steele, gay marriage now slipping from 'abomination' to 'budget busting.' You may be thinking at home, wait a second, Jon, that sounds really stupid. If the added expense of an employee's spouse affects a business, wouldn't that be an argument against all marriage? Because aren't there far more heterosexual marriages? ... Because there are so many more heterosexual marriages than there would be gay marriages, wouldn't the smart business man hire only the undatable?" --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, June 4, 2009

#1233

Late Night From 05/21

"Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you know we had another earthquake the other night? You know, California is the only state where you don't know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. Oh, the economy's hurting; economy is so bad,

was outside the White House, selling maps to politicians' secret locations." --Jay Leno

"Economy's so bad, I saw an illegal immigrant deport himself. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"Well, a bankruptcy judge has denied a chapter 11 proposal submitted by former NFL star, Michael Vick, after he filed a bankruptcy plan that allowed him to keep three cars and two houses. The judge argued you can't keep three cars and two houses if you're really bankrupt. And several AIG executives said, 'Oh, yeah?'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here is a shocking statistic. This is shocking. One in four Americans admit to texting while driving. The other three are illegal immigrants who are texting while driving." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you folks have been following this, but you know at NASA how they've got the shuttle and periodically they take it up into space. They got a call from the Hubble Space Telescope people, who said, 'The thing is busted. Can you send a crew up there?' So they go up there, and it's all fixed. The Hubble Space Telescope is fixed. And now, when they finished up, they put a sticker on the telescope that says, 'Objects may be closer than they appear.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney. I mean talk about a guy who's gone crazy, you know? Talk about a bearcat, a bulldog. I mean, he's -- he gave a big speech today on terror in the United States and how the Obama Administration better be careful, they don't want to go soft on terror. And the speech was, I don't know, I guess it was well-received. And Cheney was so excited, at the end of the speech he goes out into the lobby and he waterboarded folks." --David Letterman

"But the speech went over pretty well. I mean, Cheney was interrupted five times by applause and 50 times by people screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything! What do you want to know? Just stop, please! Don't go on!'" --David Letterman

"It turns out Larry King has a son he didn't know he had, Larry King Jr. And it is no surprise, because anybody who knew the guy knew something was up, because he kept walking around saying 'Overland Park, Kansas, you're on the air. Bloomington, California, go ahead. Bismarck, North Dakota, do you have a question for Donna McKeckny?' That's right. Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom." --David Letterman

"The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Dick Cheney's approval rating is up eight points since leaving office. Wow, I can't believe Cheney's approval rating is eight percent. That's amazing." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama's on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night, and then -- oh, it's so cute -- Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates." --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he's like Regis, all over the place. He's been making so many speeches lately I'm starting to think he's not really dead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 5, 2009

#1234

Late Night From 05/26

"Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court." --Jay Leno

"No, if confirmed, Sotomayor would be the country's first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business, deporting Lou Dobbs." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'" --Jay Leno

"Of course they're still waiting to see where Judge Sotomayor stands on a lot of the important issues. You know, are Heidi and Spencer really married? You know, who's Jennifer Aniston dating now, huh? Should Adam Lambert have won 'American Idol'? There's so many issues that concern the American people." --Jay Leno

"Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won't sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails." --Jay Leno

"Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It's getting nasty. I don't know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it's a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars." --Jay Leno

"Actually, John Kerry is over there with Nancy Pelosi right now. This is part of the Democrats' new plan to put all the people who say the wrong things in one place, you know? In fact, Joe Biden flying in as we speak." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy's in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, Gov. Schwarzenegger had to take a second job narrating 'Hooked on Phonics' CDs." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Governor Schwarzenegger, our guest here tonight. Actually, he's not here as a guest. He's here to pass the hat. 'Da state is broke. Give generously here. Yah, we need da money here to help.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40% less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." --Jay Leno

"History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U.S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white." --Jimmy Fallon

"There's a lot of local pride in Obama's pick because Sonia Sotomayor grew up in the Bronx. Yeah, when reached for comment, she said, 'Don't be fooled by the robes that I got, I'm still, I'm still Sonia from the block.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, but that's not all. The court also upheld Prop 9, which allows metrosexuals to continue using too much bronzer." --Jimmy Fallon

"Larry King said the one person he would most like to interview is Osama bin Laden. Not because bin Laden's so fascinating, just because they both lived in caves." --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, June 6, 2009

#1235

Late Night From 05/27

"President Barack Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment -- as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out." --Jay Leno

"People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare." --Jay Leno

"And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question: 'Let's see how you look under that robe.'' --Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

"I read in the -- this seems a little scary -- in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea's nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that's not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden's going to go off." --Jay Leno

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"The American College of Sports Medicine announced its list of the fittest cities in the United States. It's surprising — you know what the number one fittest city is? Washington, D.C. Number one. Yeah. I wouldn't have guessed that. But, see, it's from all of the Democrats running away from Nancy Pelosi, and all of the Republicans running away from Rush Limbaugh. So they all stay in shape. That's how it works." --Jay Leno

"Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that's because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. I'm not an economist, but here's a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. Today, a group of Somali pirates attacked a Gorton Fisherman. That's how bad it is." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama's in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Meanwhile, after running out of options, Chrysler headed to bankruptcy court this morning. That isn't good. They headed there in a brand new Mitsubishi. That was even worse." --Jimmy Fallon

"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, June 7, 2009

#1236

Late Night From 05/28

"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point? I think so." --Jay Leno

"There were actually two fundraisers last night -- a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that's what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there's always an A-list and a B-list." --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy -- earth, wind and fire.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama flew back to Washington this morning. And you can tell even he's feeling the economic pinch. Show him leaving today. Here he is getting on the plane. Can we pull out? Look at the plane. Look, see? It's Southwest." --Jay Leno

"Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden's teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that's when you know you're talking to too much -- when even Mother Nature goes, 'Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'" --Jay Leno

"The big story here in California -- the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn't even know gay people had their own union." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they're opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they're in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has picked Federal judge Sonia Sotomayor as the Supreme Court nominee. So that means the Supreme Court will have seven men and two women. Like speed dating night at the Burbank Holiday Inn." --Jay Leno

"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, 'Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"You could tell that the senators were determined that afternoon. They passed the same bill five times. They were just like: 'Seriously, pass it again. That's a pretty good bill.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, June 8, 2009

#1237

Late Night From 05/29

"There were some tense moments yesterday here in Los Angeles with President Obama. A female reporter -- you probably saw this on the news -- [was] carried, kicking and screaming, away from Air Force One after she insisted on handing President Obama a letter. They picked the woman up, forcibly, [and] carried her away. Same thing they did when Joe Biden tried to get on the plane." --Jay Leno

"President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four 'Terminator' sequels, 10 'Police Academy' movies and 29 'Star Trek' films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas." --Jay Leno

"Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day." --Jay Leno

"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' And, you know, her personal background, Puerto Rican, raised in the New York City housing projects. Will be played in a movie by Rosie Perez, or John Leguizamo in drag. One of the two." --Bill Maher

"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher

"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher

"What is so ironic about this is that this is why the Republican Party is so in the wilderness right now, because it is a party where policy has been made for so many years by people who never had these kind of experiences. Real-life, real people experiences: Poverty, lack of health care, racism. I mean, the last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid getting in his drugs." --Bill Maher

"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher

"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

#1238

Late Night From 05/30

"But the highlight of the big weekend date for Michelle Obama, at the end of the day, she got to plant a vegetable garden in Donald Trump's hair." --David Letterman

"But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: 'You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.' And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, 'That's about right.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supportsgay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson

"There's also the good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from Senator Larry Craig." --Craig Ferguson

"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama and his wife, Michelle, had a date night Saturday and they flew here to New York to see a Broadway play. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia stayed home and watched 'High School Musical 3' with Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart

"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart

"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert

"Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama's life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone's saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don't think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family's mayonnaise farm?" –Stephen Colbert

"Plus, if we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we're going to lose crucial Latino votes, just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!" –Stephen Colbert

Wed., June 10, 2009

#1239

Late Night From 06/01
Part 2

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge night for me. I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking, 'That's what I want to be when I grow up.' I'm sure right now somewhere in America, there's a little kid watching me, thinking, 'What is wrong with that man's hair? Is that even a man? Why is she crying?' Stick with it, kid!" --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say something. I think they have built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. Absolutely gorgeous. This studio holds 380 people. That's right. Yeah, it's exactly like being at a Clippers game. I found what works in this town." --Conan O'Brien

"Beautiful day here in New York City, am I right? So nice today that General Motors sold a convertible." --David Letterman

"It was so sunny today, that GM executives came out of bankruptcy court squinting." --David Letterman

"General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I'll tell you what it means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That's what it means." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers' money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America's brother-in-law. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Over the weekend George W. Bush -- you remember George W. -- and Bill Clinton, Bubba -- you remember Bubba. They had a debate up there in Toronto, Canada. Up in Toronto. Yeah. The last time they were both in Canada, I think, was when they were trying to get out of Vietnam. Is that right? Do you remember? Something like that. I don't know." --David Letterman

"Were you aware of this, ladies and gentlemen, folks visiting from out of town? New York City is now presidential date U.S.A. Huh? Yeah. Over the weekend, the Obamas, Barack and his wife, Michelle, visited New York City, went to a show, then they had dinner at a restaurant down in the Village. And kind of an embarrassing moment. Did you read about this? At one point, the Secret Service -- and these guys are really jumpy, you know? They can't relax for a second. And it was very embarrassing. They jump up, they run to the table, and they wrestle a pepper grinder to the floor. Did you hear about that?" --David Letterman

"And then talk about another awkward moment. Barack Obama, the President, decides he's going to pick up a baby and kiss it. And it turned out, guess what? It was Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman

Thurdsay, June 11, 2009

#1240

Late Night From 06/01
Part 1

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, the Obamas’ date was fulfilling a promise Barack made to Michelle. He told her once the campaign was over, he’d take her to New York for dinner and a Broadway show. I like that, because it makes Obama seem like any other married guy, doing stuff he doesn’t want to do because he promised the wife." --Craig Ferguson

"No straight guy really wants to see a Broadway show. Come on! Let’s just be honest. It’s true. I am sure Obama would rather give a sponge bath to Rush Limbaugh than see a Broadway show." --Craig Ferguson

"Most Republicans aren’t unhappy with the date itself they’re just mad because it cost $100,000. They did their best to keep costs down, the Obamas. Well, they didn’t have to pay for a babysitter, because their older daughter watches the younger daughter and then the younger daughter watches Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"I’m kidding! They have their dog watch Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, 'Hey, who's up for a vote? Just kidding, my son's going to do it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so glad to see things working out for Lil' Kim." --Jimmy Fallon

"Best of luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to Egypt and Saudi Arabia. And good luck to Sasha and Malia on their first keg party. Whoo! Of course, the kegs will be full of Mountain Dew." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for our Fourth of July celebration. I guess the goal is to make them go: 'Death to America -- ah, ooh -- ah, that's nice. That one looks like a palm tree. I like the squiggly one.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Gov. Schwarzenegger this morning said the 'day of reckoning is here,' but he said it with a funny accent, which means either he has a new movie called 'The Day of Reckoning' that's here this weekend or we're screwed. I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They actually had to cancel summer school, because we have no money to pay for it. Most summer school programs in L.A. have been cancelled. It's part of a new program they're rolling out called 'Leave No Child Ahead.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only are we out of money, we're running out of water, too. Southern California is in the middle of another drought. The Department of Water and Power this week announced that you can only turn your sprinklers on on Monday and Thursday and that the fire department is only going to be putting out fires on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I think." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was the first of the two-night NBC News special called 'Inside the Obama White House.' They had 150 cameras inside the White House. Basically, it was 'Cribs' hosted by Brian Williams." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it was a fascinating look at the inner workings of the White House. For instance, did you know the White House has its own Build-A-Bear Workshop? I didn't." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Vice President, current Wal-Mart greeter Dick Cheney, surprised everyone in a speech yesterday when he said that he supports a state's right to legalize gay marriage. And it only took 11 seconds on the waterboard to get him to say it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney also revealed that he has the largest Fabergé egg collection in the world." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Actually, Cheney has a gay daughter and he said that in his mind, freedom means freedom for everyone. And then he snarled and bit an infant, but I think it was an accident." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 12, 2009

#1241

Late Night From 06/02
Part 2

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden's busy. Last night in New York City, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000 a plate fundraising dinner. Yeah. Yeah, and since Biden spoke before dinner, everyone's still waiting to eat." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in the news. That's right. In a recent interview, former President Bush said that no longer being president is a, quote, liberating feeling. Yep. That's what he said, yeah. When asked what he's been doing since leaving the White House, Bush said, 'Learning the word liberating.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here's a guy we didn't really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done." --David Letterman

"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman

"Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He's giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

"And then Dick Cheney said he supports same-sex marriage. And then he floated away in his house." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

"What a tough week for General Motors. First the bankruptcy and then earlier today, I don't know if you heard about this, Mr. Goodwrench eloped with one of the Pep Boys. That's a true story." --David Letterman

"This was kind of cute. You remember when President Obama, before he was elected, he said if he won the election and they moved to the White House he would get the kids a doggie? They finally got the kids a doggie and it's a Portuguese water dog and the dog's name is Bo. Today President Obama is with the reporters. He's running through the tricks that Bo does. And then Bo, to show you how smart this dog is, went and retrieved a tennis ball that was hidden in some ivy. Pretty good, huh? And then Joe Biden says, 'Wait a minute. That's my job. Come on. What am I supposed to do?" --David Letterman

"You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there's word he may be letting go and stepping down. And apparently to get the guy to relinquish power, in order to get him to step down and leave his office, they offered him the 10:00 spot. I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong 'W' Il." --David Letterman

"There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here." --Craig Ferguson

"Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson

Saturday, June 13, 2009

#1242

Late Night From 06/03
Part 1

"But now -- and this could be pivotal -- President Obama is in Saudi Arabia. Were you aware of that? Yep, he's in Saudi Arabia. He spent the night at King Abdullah's ranch. He has a ranch there. It's the Lazy Camel." --David Letterman

"Think about this. Obama is in the Middle East trying to straighten out the world, trying to make things better than they were. And talk about pressure, talk about a guy who's being busy, talk about a guy, every move is being scrutinized. Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have John McCain. He's at a bakery waiting for his number to be called." --David Letterman

"And Obama, you know, when he travels, it's a big deal. He arrived at the Saudi Arabia airport there with a plane load of staff, a plane load of press. I'm telling you, this is costing more than a date with his wife Michelle." --David Letterman

"But listen to this. Now, I knew this was going to happen. They do this to everybody. They start digging around and they get these reporters and they go nuts and they want to write books and they publish newspapers. And I think, well, why don't you just mind your own business? That's what I think. And they found out now that back in 2000, there was some marital tension in the Obama marriage. Some marital tension. Hey, but, I mean, come on, who hasn't had a little marital tension? Am I right? Yeah. I am the epitome of marital tension. Just take a look at me. Take a look at the wreck I am." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I'm like, you're a bit behind the times, you know. We don't use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now." --Craig Ferguson

"Experts say the tape was recorded recently, because it's mostly just ranting about how Susan Boyle got robbed. 'She has the voice of an angel, dammit. You will pay for this!'" --Craig Ferguson

"It's another busy day for President Obama. He's over in the Middle East. You can say what you like about President Obama, but he's not afraid of tough challenges. Last week, the President rescued GM This week, he's off to the Middle East. Next week, the toughest challenge yet — trying to save 'Jon & Kate Plus 8.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Sooner or later, every president has to go to the Middle East. President Bush went to negotiate agreements on oil prices. President Clinton went to negotiate agreements on oil wrestling." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama used the word shukran, the Arabic word for thank you, in response to a compliment from the king today. The compliment, 'I appreciate that you didn't bring Joe Biden.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, Vice President Biden was here in New York yesterday and bought a designer suit at Barney's for $2,400. I know. It's a lot but it's high quality material, made from the same fabric as his hair." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim countries now than back in 2002. That's because the media never reports any of the good bombings." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"Have any of you been watching this show, 'Inside the Obama White House'? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes them out one by one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obamas gave NBC News unprecedented behind the scenes access to the inner workings of the White House. Last night, we got to see Obama buy a hamburger, which was interesting. Wherever Obama went, Brian Williams went with him. They showered together a couple of times and they drove around together." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs It's Time For Kim Jong-Il to Retire

10. Recently spent 11 hours interrogating a coat rack.
9. Instead of "dear leader" now insists on being called "Petey."
8. Hasn't stopped sobbing since Susan Boyle lost.
7. Plans to spend summer following Coldplay.
6. Eager to appear in new reality show, "I'm a murderous dictator...get me out of here!"
5. Hardly ever updates his erotic blog.
4. Spends all day watching classic episodes of "Miami Vice" on Hulu.
3. Hinting he wants to play quarterback for the Vikings.
2. Republic already named his successor, Conan Jong-il.
1. Having trouble getting his missile off the ground, if you know what I'm sayin'

Sunday, June 14, 2009

#1246

Late Night From 06/03
Part 2

"Did everyone see Brian Williams' special with President Obama that was on? Yeah? Anyway, there's this big NBC News special with Brian Williams, and in the special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn't that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn't been out yet, I think. But it's coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd kill for somewhat frosty.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you been following this North Korea situation with Kim Jong-Il? You know Kim Jong-Il? The guy is nuts. And he's apparently threatening nuclear missiles and so on and so forth. And he's getting to be a little older, so now he's appointed his son to take over for him when he steps down. And his son's name is Kim Jong-Un. That's his name, Kim Jong-Un. And I think the son is weird also, because he's already announcing plans that he's going to turn North Korea into a disco." --David Letterman

"Everybody thinks about it, you know, having a son who will one day take over. But this Kim Jong-Un may not be that smart, because a couple of times a day he asks people over there, 'Uh, so is this North Korea or South Korea?'" --David Letterman

"Talk about a guy who won't go away. How about Osama bin Laden? I mean, come on. Come on with this guy. And there's another one of those aggravating tapes that he sends out from time to time and they put them on the Al Jazeera network. There's a new tape and people say, 'Well, how do we know this is a current tape?' Well I'll tell you how you can tell that this is a current tape. At the end of the tape, he wishes Jay luck on the new 10 p.m. show." --David Letterman

"And in the new tape, it's a long, crazy man, lunatic rant condemning President Obama. Oh no, wait a minute, that's Cheney. That was Cheney doing that." --David Letterman

"Very strange tape from Osama bin Laden. He claims that 'American Idol' was fixed, number one. And then he demands the release of Phil Spector." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman

"Yeah, Cheney's all hot about it. He says America is now less safe. He said Obama is making America less safe. And then to prove his point, Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the face. That's exactly what he did." --David Letterman

Monday, June 15, 2009

#1244

Late Night From 06/04
Part 1

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Saudi Arabia. And he gave a speech, a powerful speech today on television. And it preempted Al Jazeera, the network over there, the TV network over there. It preempted Al Jazeera's number one show, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --David Letterman

"There's a new Osama bin Laden tape. You know, leave us alone — is that what you are thinking? No, a new tape. And on the tape, a videotape, it's awful. He's drunk in the cave, Osama bin Laden, eating a cheeseburger off the floor." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in Germany right now, but he was in the Middle East before that. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with Obama and gave him a large, shiny medallion on a thick, gold chain. Obama said, 'Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flavor Flav.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Forbes magazine's annual survey of the 100 most powerful celebrities is out. President Obama came in 49th. Ryan Seacrest is 44th. I will tell you why Ryan ranked higher than Obama -- after the break." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey ranks the United States as the 83rd most peaceful nation in the world. Not good. Not good. We were in fifth place until the season premiere of 'Jon & Kate Plus 8.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS says that John Kerry's 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face." --Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, the New York Daily News is reporting that some members of the New York Mets may be suffering from swine flu, which is scary because usually, the Mets don't start choking 'til September." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's NBA Finals night. Game one, at long last. The Lakers and Magic did battle tonight at the Staples Center. President Obama is said to be monitoring the situation very closely. He's calling on both sides to show restraint and work towards peace." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But President Obama was in Egypt today addressing the Muslim world from Cairo University. Reaction to his speech was mixed. After it, some said, 'Death to America,' others said, 'Die, American dogs.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Iranian and some Palestinian officials dismissed his speech as all talk, which -- I mean, it was a speech. Do you want magic tricks?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, American President Barack Obama ... embarked on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East to fulfill a promise made two years ago, that if he were elected president, he would deliver a major address in a Muslim capital. Of course, most people forget he also promised if he were not elected, he would run naked through a Chuck E. Cheese." --Jon Stewart

"This speech is a delicate proposition. The president must balance respect for a region that too often has felt lectured to by American presidents interested only in their resources, while also remembering he has an audience in his home country, mistrustful of the violence and violent anti-American rhetoric that the region also produces, all while trying not to freak out the 20-25% of Americans who believe Obama was born in Kenya, raised in a madrassa and is actually reporting back to his home office. Let's see how he opens [on screen: Obama saying 'Salaam Aleikum']. Noooooo! ... Alright. That's fine. ... A lot of politicians like to open with local flavor. ... What's the follow up? [on screen: video of Obama's speech, during which he praises different aspects of Islam. He also says that it was through 'innovations of Muslim communities that developed algebra']. Oh, yay, Muslim countries, thank you so much for algebra. Oh, so great. Islam invented algebra and mono and braces" --Jon Stewart, on Obama's address to Muslims

"Nation, summertime is here. Time for skimpy clothes and lots of bare flesh, which naturally makes me think of one thing: abstinence-only sex education. But folks, our sex-free sex-ed is under attack. In the president's 2010 budget, he eliminates funding for it. Apparently, Obama will only give you money if you screw people [on screen: the logos from Bank of America, GM and AIG, among others]. Folks, this is dangerous. The National Abstinence Education Association said it best: 'If federal funding for abstinence education were to go away, the breadth of the approach will be hindered.' And abstinence-only education is known for its breadth. It covers the gamut from 'don't have sex' to 'have sex don't.'" Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#1245

Late Night From 06/04
Part 2

"Tuesday, NBC's news special, 'Inside the Obama White House,' was watched by 9 million people. Historians say it was the most revealing look behind the scenes at the White House since Bill Clinton set up a secret webcam." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann." --Conan O'Brien

"North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il, is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. Yeah. Kim Jong-Un says he's excited but realizes he's got some awfully big women's sunglasses to fill. They're like the windshield from a Toyota." --Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh is in the news. Last week, Rush Limbaugh said that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was a racist. But this week, Rush says he may support her. Yeah. Limbaugh says that he can't support Sotomayor until he's 100% sure she's a racist." --Conan O'Brien

"Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, 'Nothing Happened Day.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh, you know Rush Limbaugh? The new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh. He says now, listen to this, he says now that he might support Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Yes, depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on." --David Letterman

"Limbaugh is not sure about that endorsement. However, he does wholeheartedly endorse the baby-back ribs at Chili's." --David Letterman

"Remember John McCain? John McCain, he was running for president against Barack Obama? And Barack Obama right now is in the Middle East trying to settle things there. And by comparison, John McCain is at Applebee's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"John McCain said he may not endorse Sonia Sotomayor. He said he may not endorse her for the Supreme Court. And then he floated away in his house. It's just fun to say." --David Letterman

"By the way, I think this is good news. The CIA announced that they have a new lead on Osama bin Laden. They think that he's been hiding out in the $2,500 dollar seats at Yankee Stadium. They think that's where he is." --David Letterman

"How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what's the deal on that guy. He's a little squirrelly, right? Am I right? And he's going to step down. He's no longer going to be running North Korea. He's turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il." --David Letterman

"Have you noticed all of the dictators are stepping down? Castro stepping down. Kim Jong-Il. Dick Cheney. They're all taking a break." --David Letterman

Wed., June 17, 2009

#1246

Late Night From 06/05

"I know why you're happy. That speech Black Elvis gave in Cairo. Wow, he is Jimi Hendrix with a Teleprompter, isn't he? He was making good on a campaign promise to reach out to the Muslim world. Let's just hope it works better with Muslims that it did with Republicans." --Bill Maher

"Did you see the speech? It was his longest one ever and a high degree of difficulty you'd have to say. Someone asked Obama before the address, 'How're you going to address this cultural women-oppressing, religious fanatics?' And he said, 'Same as Notre Dame.'" --Bill Maher

"It went well with Muslims around the world. They were very impressed, including Muslim Americans right here at home. One Muslim American said it gave him great hope that some day he could go through airport security without pretending to be Mexican." --Bill Maher

"Republican Sen. Inhofe, he's a douche bag, he said it was un-American. These guys are just jealous that when this President goes to Middle East, nobody throws a shoe at him." --Bill Maher

"Un-American? It was intelligent; it was broad-minded; it was nuanced. Oh he's right. It is un-American." --Bill Maher

"I got something to tell you Mr. Inhofe, Obama's speech was produced right here in the U.S.A and the rest of the world is buying it, which is more than I can say for General Motors." --Bill Maher

"And with all this going on, did you see what Sarah Palin said yesterday? She made a speech in Alaska and she said that the money the federal government is sending to states to help bail out, well that's not good, because that's the federal government getting in there and trying to 'control people.' Yes that's right, Sarah, it's all about the Federal Reserve making your daughter use a condom." --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Republican icons, Nancy Reagan this week was in the capital to unveil a statue of her late husband, Ronald Reagan, and she had lunch at the White House with Michelle Obama. I'm not sure she really knows who Michelle Obama is, cause she told her to really dust, not just move things around." --Bill Maher

"President Obama gave a big historic speech yesterday in Egypt. President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, "Salaam Aleikum." Yea, it's very cool. Yea it was especially impressive because a year ago, President Bush opened with 'Shalom Amigos.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave the speech at Egypt's Cairo University. The crowd at Cairo University loved Obama's speech, especially the joke he made about their rival, Cairo State. It's a safety school." --Conan O'Brien

"The favorite show to win to musical Tony this year is a show about a former Vice President, have you seen it? Cheney Get Your Gun." --David Letterman

"Here's something kind of cool, apparently the Obamas, the President and his wife Michelle, every Friday night they have a date. Were you aware of this? Friday night is date night for the Obamas. And last week, they came to New York City and they went to a show, and they had dinner at a restaurant and I thought, 'Oh no, now the wife's going to get ideas.' But it's interesting, a Democratic president dating his wife. You know what Bill Clinton said? When he heard about that, he said, 'Run that by me again.'"  --David Letterman

"On this day in 1925, the Chrysler Corporation was founded and had it lived, it would be 84 years old today. Founded in 1925 and lucky for you stock is still available at 1925 prices." --David Letterman

"President Obama's continuing his world tour. Yesterday he was in Egypt, did you see that? He visited the Pyramids of Giza. And he called them 'awe-inspiring.' That was an improvement over President Bush's tour of the pyramids. He called them 'pointy. They're like a triangle.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"A nude photo of Carla Bruni, the first lady of France, sold at an auction Thursday for $19,000. The buyer reportedly said [imitating Bill Clinton], 'Worth every penny.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Thurdsay, June 18, 2009

#1247

Late Night From 06/08
Part 1

"While she was at the Yankee game, Sarah Palin managed to spend $150,000 on hats and t-shirts." --David Letterman

"One awkward moment, though, during the game. Maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels, one awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game. During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin -- it was exciting, because everybody loves New York City and she spent the entire weekend here in New York City. And late yesterday afternoon, as a matter of fact, she actually pulled out her rifle, and she shot that thing on Donald Trump's head.." --David Letterman

"Big night for Angela Lansbury. She won a record fifth Tony Award. And she was named acting president of General Motors. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"The newest nominee for the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor, broke her ankle at LaGuardia Airport. Broke it in three places. And listen to this, at least two of those breaks have to be approved by the Senate." --David Letterman

"She broke it right out there at LaGuardia Airport, stumbled on a thing and busted her leg, very painful. But fortunately, Rush Limbaugh's maid was right there at the gate with a little. 'Here, try a little…'" --David Letterman

"And then, Rush said he hopes her ankle doesn't heal." --David Letterman

"Big news in Saudi Arabia. For the first time in 30 years, Saudis are allowed to go to the movies this weekend. It's really good. Yeah. Give it up. There's a few movies to choose from. You can see 'Turban Cowboy,' 'The Taking of Hostages 1,2,3,' 'He's Just Not That Into You Driving,' or Tyler Perry's 'Madea Goes To Jail For Showing Her Ankles.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Reverberations continue over Barack Obama's address to the Muslim world in the Egyptian city of Cairo. It was a speech designed to appeal to Middle Eastern moderates. Was there a hidden agenda? [on screen: Fox News' Sean Hannity saying Obama wanted to give '9/11 sympathizers a voice on the world stage.' Hannity then plays a clip that appears to back him up]. Holy crap! Why doesn't any other news station tell us Obama was giving voice to 9/11 sympathizers? [on screen: Obama, during his speech, saying he's 'aware there are some who would justify the offense of 9/11 but let us be clear, al Qaeda killed nearly 3,000 people on that day. The victims were innocent men, women and children. These are not opinions to be debated. These are facts']. Oh, that's why. Because if you play the rest of the clip, you see Obama was doing the opposite of that." --Jon Stewart

"Although, in Sean's defense, if the second half of a sentence was that important, wouldn't it be in the front? While Sean Hannity uses moral certainty to decide and then report, his cohorts have been less straightforward [on screen: FNC's Bill Hemmer says it's 'interesting' Obama didn't go to Israel on this trip. FNC's Gretchen Carlson also says it's 'interesting' that Obama, before he left, said America could now be considered a 'Muslim nation']. I'm not saying your mother's a whore, I'm just saying, isn't it interesting she has money? And I don't really know what she does during the day." --Jon Stewart 

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York

10. Visited New York landmarks she normally only sees from Alaska.
9. Laughed at all the crazy-looking foreigners entering the U.N.
8. Made moose jerky on Rachael Ray.
7. Keyed Tina Fey's car.
6. After a wink and a nod, ended up with a kilo of crack.
5. Made coat out of New York City rat pelts.
4. Sat in for Kelly Ripa. Regis couldn't tell the difference.
3. Finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson's always talking about.
2. Bought makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant" look.
1. Especially enjoyed not appearing on Letterman

Friday, June 19, 2009

#1248

Late Night From 06/08
Part 2

What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice." --Stephen Colbert

"You know, folks, a lesser man would try to pander to you. But I'm not going to do that. Besides, you would never fall for it, because you are the sharpest, coolest, sexiest fighting force in the history of mankind." --Stephen Colbert

"You know, it's my first trip to Iraq. I don't know why I haven't made it here before, but it's hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. Let me put it this way: When Saddam Hussein got to hell, I'm guessing he asked for a blanket." --Stephen Colbert

"We're actually broadcasting tonight from one of Saddam Hussein's old palaces, the al-Fah, which is also known as the water palace, because that's the only damn drink you can get around here. Come on! I mean, really. No alcohol? If anyone deserves a beer, it's you people." --Stephen Colbert

"Besides, if you get one, hook me up. I've had a look around the palace. Saddam had fantastic taste. There's so much marble and gold paint, I thought I was watching 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey.'" --Stephen Colbert

"But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan." --Stephen Colbert

"So, here we are in Baghdad. I have to say, I'm surprised. I thought the whole Iraq thing was over. I haven't seen any news stories about it months. So, I naturally assumed you soldiers had moved onto the new war between wise Latina women and old white men [on screen: a photo of Sonia Sotomayor and Newt Gingrich]." --Stephen Colbert

"Or to defending us against that old lady who keeps firing rockets into the Pacific Ocean [on screen: a photo of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il]." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, personally, I blame the Pentagon. If they really wanted news coverage, they'd change the name from Operation Iraqi Freedom to 'John And Kate Plus 130,000.'" --Stephen Colbert

"But folks, this newsman is here. Why? Well, for a lot of reasons. First, medical. My doctor said I wasn't getting enough dust. Second, personal. I've always wanted to be able to cook a microwave burrito in my pants." --Stephen Colbert

"By the power vested in me by basic cable, I officially declare we have won the Iraq war!" --Stephen Colbert

"This morning, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle at LaGuardia airport. Yeah, if she's confirmed, the first case she'll hear is Sotomayor v. LaGuardia airport." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's in the news. Yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent a stern warning to North Korea to stop their belligerent actions. Her exact quote was 'Don't make me get all Hillary on your ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary Clinton, in a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down the job as secretary of state. Yup. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, that's not the only kind of job she's turned down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. And she was up there with Rudy Giuliani. They were sitting together. And their seats were, well, let me tell you where their seats were. They were way, way in far right field. They were so far right. Crazy." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin got there early and she was taken to her seat, shown to her seat, by Joe the Usher." --David Letterman

Saturday, June 20, 2009

#1249

Late Night From 06/09

"The first detainee from Guantanamo Bay arrived in New York City for trial. You know what that means? He'll be back on the street tomorrow." --David Letterman

"It's crazy the way things work. They bring the guy -- he's locked up down there for four years in Guantanamo Bay -- they bring him to New York City for trial. But he's everywhere. Tomorrow, Barnes and Noble. This guy will be at Barnes and Noble, signing copies of his new book, 'Too Fat to Jihad.'" --David Letterman

"Boy, this is a weird story. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is at LaGuardia and she breaks her ankle. This happened, like, two days ago. And in a 5-to-4 ruling, the current justices have voted to send her a get well card." --David Letterman

"Hey, yesterday, Hezbollah was defeated in the Lebanese elections. That's right. Hezbollah was defeated… so now they have no choice but to merge with Fiat." --David Letterman

"In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race. This guy is everywhere trying to drum up support. On Sunday, he was on the Iranian talk show, 'Eliminate the Press.'" --David Letterman

"If you think about it, we're losing short, tiny dictators. If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad loses, he's gone. And then you got Kim Jong-Il. He's gone. So then the only dictator left, tiny dictator left, will be Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman

"A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle, and she's expected to be on crutches for several weeks. In a related story, Republicans have announced that Sotomayor's confirmation hearing will consist of three questions and a timed obstacle course." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is proposing a new national healthcare plan that's both inexpensive and accessible. He's calling it Have Your Surgery In Mexico." --Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists are now saying that children under the age of two should not watch television. Apparently, it delays language development. But I say, keep watching, kids. Keep watching." --Jimmy Fallon

"A pastor in Kentucky is asking parishioners to bring their guns to church to help celebrate the Fourth of July and the Second Amendment. The church loves the idea. Donations have gone up 500% since they started passing the collection plate at gunpoint." --Jimmy Fallon

"Al Gore is back in the news today because President Obama is saying he might send him to North Korea to negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. I'm thinking if you're going to send a vice president to negotiate with a madman, why don't you send Joe Biden? At least Biden speaks the language of crazy. He understands the ways of the bonkers." --Craig Ferguson

"I can't remember if Al Gore has a beard right now or not, because if so, that's good. It's like Robin Williams, it's the same rule. Robin Williams, beard in the movie, it's a good movie. No beard, bad movie." --Craig Ferguson

"He's been acting up a lot lately, Kim Jong-Il. Yesterday he sentenced two American journalists to a labor camp. And a couple of weeks ago, he tested another nuclear weapon. I think he thinks he's a Bond villain. The next thing you know, he'll be living in a hollowed-out volcano with an army of robot skeletons and he'll be stroking a large cat." --Craig Ferguson

"I am Stephen Colbert, and I am reporting for duty. Folks, right off the top, I want to thank the USO for bringing me and my show to our brave men and women in uniform in Baghdad, Iraq. Thank you so much. I have to say, this place is great. I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect!" --Stephen Colbert

"You know, Saddam's face is still on some of the walls around here. He's carved himself into the murals. And Saddam's initials are still on the ceiling and on the top of the pillars. But now that he's gone, I think we should really figure out something new for S.H. to stand for. Hmm, S.H. What would fit now? S*** happens?" --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, June 21, 2009

#1250

Late Night From 06/10

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 'Late Show,' a division of Fiat." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because ? I'll tell you why - the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me 'pathetic.' Yup, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic - well, since the honeymoon, actually." --David Letterman

"But, I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the Governor was mad at me and called me 'pathetic.' To cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes, and I feel better now." --David Letterman

"Folks been following the elections in Iran? I know you have. Anyway, President Ahmadinejad is in a tight race, but today, he got great news for the campaign - he was endorsed by Mel Gibson." --David Letterman

"Listen to this - listen to how the power of the world is changing. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny -- because these guys are all petite guys -- the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, Tom Cruise. Is that right?" --David Letterman

"Listen to this. There was a big storm down in the Washington, D.C., area, and it toppled a tree. A giant, ancient tree toppled over. This is how crazy things are. When the tree toppled over, somebody contacted former Vice President Dick Cheney, and he said: 'See, well, there it goes. It proves that President Obama is soft on weather.'" --David Letterman

"But here's what happened. The grounds crew chop it up and then grind it up and use it for mulch. And I was thinking, you know, you can do the same thing with your General Motors stock." --David Letterman

"There is an agency now that keeps track of this kind of stuff, and I think it's fascinating. Do you like the presidential minutia? I love it. I can't get enough of it. And according to this tracking agency, President Obama invokes the name Jesus Christ more frequently now than did George W. Bush for the same amount of time in his Presidency. I never really noticed it but I'll bet it's true, because if you think about it, Obama is always saying, Jesus! Why did I run for president?" --David Letterman

"Today, Chrysler was taken over by Fiat and the new CEO said, this is a quote, 'Going forward we intend to build on Chrysler's culture of innovation.' Yeah. Yeah, then he laughed for three straight hours." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put health care back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien

"As you all know, two U.S. reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea, and now, President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. Yeah. Yeah, and after hearing the Al Gore threat, North Korea gave up the reporters and their nuclear program." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. Former President George H.W. Bush is going to celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. Yup. And his son, George W. Bush, is going to celebrate his father's birthday the way he always does, giving him a World's Greatest Dad mug and making him a macaroni necklace." --Conan O'Brien

"Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I'm not sure about his business plan. He's giving away free cars on nights and weekends. I think that's a bad idea." --Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, the new chairman actually said, 'I don't know anything about cars.' I respect that. He's keeping up the GM tradition." --Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong-Il said that if provoked, North Korea would not hesitate to use its nuclear weapons in a 'merciless offensive.' Well, I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat little weirdo. Ooh, women's glasses." --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, June 22, 2009

#1251

Late Night From 06/11

"Well, it's been a busy week here on the late show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upsetSarah Palin. And I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and offered to take me hunting." --David Letterman

"Here's big news from the world of TV. And I don't know if you guys are ready for this or not. If you have an old TV, tomorrow, it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain wanted to know after the conversion, will his TV dinner still work." --David Letterman

"You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well this guy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? This guy looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a Members Only jacket." --David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys they drag away every week on 'Dateline', you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Boy, here's a story that won't go away. Miss California - remember Miss California? Got herself in a lot of trouble, shooting her mouth off. Gee, I wonder what that's like." --David Letterman

"Well, now, Miss California's been fired. Don't worry. President Obama said he will announce a replacement within a week, so that will be good." --David Letterman

"Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian workers. Fiat says they got the idea from the Olive Garden." --Conan O'Brien

"A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican's angry, and so is everyone at his country club." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the controversial Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who famously opposed gay marriage, was stripped of her title. Not only that, her chances of becoming Miss San Francisco are really looking slim." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, everyone is going to be fine, I want to stress that. But earlier today, the NBC medical director sent out an e-mail saying several NBC employees have been diagnosed with the swine flu. Unfortunately, none of those employees have anything to do with 'I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some controversy today surrounding Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She's the one who said she was against same-sex marriage. Some wanted her to be stripped of her title because of it, but Donald Trump, who owns the pageant, said no, she's entitled to her opinion and she'll remain Miss California. Well, today he fired her, which is what he does, I guess. My money says she's a Fox News anchor by the ... by now. By right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Karl Rove called Maureen Dowd of The New York Times a 'bitter, twisted, deranged columnist' and a 'dour, downbeat liberal' and - more - a 'nasty, snarky person.' Hey, get a room." --Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress? When did that happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Venezuela has banned the sale of Coke Zero, because of unspecified health risks. Still not banned in Venezuela: actual coke." --Jimmy Fallon

"This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don't get too excited. It's mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big science news. A new element will be added to the periodic table. It's the heaviest element in the table. It's called ununbium, which is Latin for 'thigh of Rush Limbaugh.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Iran is bracing itself for their upcoming presidential election. President Ahmadinejad is behind in the polls. I think it's because of his campaign slogan, 'Vote for me, and I won't cut off your hand.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Politics is very similar over there as here. Ahmadinejad says if he's elected, he'll bail out the camel industry." --Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#1252

Late Night From 06/12

"Television, tonight, has finally gone completely digital in the United States of America ... Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes will still be flying over Sarah Palin's head." --Bill Maher

"Our friend David Letterman made a harmless joke about Bristol Palin and everyone went nuts. Please, she's a grown girl. She can take care of herself. ... Not that the Republicans don't every week have a case of fake outrage, but this was especially ridiculous this week. Dave Letterman then invited Sarah Palin and her daughter onto the show, the young one, Willow. And Sarah Palin said, it would be wise to keep Willow away from him. That's right, he's 62 years old, he's going to f*ck her right there on the stage. He's going to pull open his jacket, take his stint from his heart surgery out and have his way with her right there. ... I'd worry a little more about the 18-year-old hockey players who knock up your daughters regularly." --Bill Maher

"David Letterman is from Indiana. This is not in his DNA to make a joke like this. In fact, the only bright side to this is that finally, there's a comedian under fire for inappropriate remarks and it's not me." --Bill Maher

"But yeah, the fake outrage is off the charts this week. There's also a picture that was published in the paper of Barack Obama, our president, with his feet up on his desk in the Oval Office. The right-wingers are very upset about this. You can't do that, you ungrateful socialist, this is the people's house! [on screen: the photo of Obama with his feet on his desk. The screen shot then switches to a photo of Bush with his feet on the desk]. Oh, never mind." --Bill Maher

"They had elections today in Iran. Apparently it's still too close to call. They say if the vote is still close by tomorrow, there will be a runoff election next week, and then the usual series of lawsuits from Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"It's a little different over there when they have an election in Iran, because the women, they get to vote over there. Unlike our ally Saudi Arabia. But in Iran, the women get to vote and it's great, because they're already wearing the booth." --Bill Maher

"They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they've been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda." --Bill Maher

"I guess there was some good news for Detroit. That's a tough city going through tough times. But the deal between Chrysler and Fiat went through this week. There is now going to be a Chrysler-Fiat. All the reliability of a Fiat, combined with the youthful appeal of a Chrysler. Even Oprah couldn't give this sh*t away" --Bill Maher

"It's been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter." --Conan O'Brien

"The country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century." --Conan O'Brien

"This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, 'Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight's the night of the big television digital switchover. According to some estimates, when the analog signal is cut off and switched to digital tonight, nearly 1 million people could be left without TV service,' which 'means NBC could lose dozens of viewers." --Conan O'Brien

"Today is the day, the big digital changeover. Are you ready for this? Do you know what it means? Nah, I don't either. You gotta change over to a digital thing for your TV and everybody is getting ready down in Washington. Dick Cheney, as a matter of fact, hooked up a converter to his pacemaker." --David Letterman

"There's a movie out now called 'The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3.' And it's a remake. They originally made this movie in 1974. But it's been updated, this movie. In this version, the subway is hijacked by Somali pirates." --David Letterman

"Hey, celebrity birthday. Donald Trump, 63 years old this weekend. Trump says he'll celebrate this year by destroying pristine wetlands and putting up overpriced condos." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama wrote a note for a fourth grade girl who skipped school so she could attend his town hall meeting. I don't see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes to fourth graders, too. He just called them speeches." --Jimmy Fallon

Letterman's Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About the Digital Switchover

10. If I don't switch over, is my teevee gonna 'splode?
9. Is this 'cuz of the swine flu?
8. Can I still mute "The View"?
7. Will I have to do a digital switchover for my waffle maker also?
6. Any chance this will make Letterman funny?
5. Can you help me? I swallowed my remote.
4. Uh ... is that today?
3. Can you pass a law to bring back "Gunsmoke"?
2. Does this mean Oprah can finally see me watching her?
1. Seriously, shouldn't you idiots be working on the economy?

Wed., June 24, 2009

#1253

Late Night From 06/15

"Welcome to the 'Late Show.' I'm Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor." --David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you are only here tonight hoping that I'll offend somebody else?" --David Letterman

"Here's good news for visitors. Times Square, have you been down to Times Square? It's now -- well, it's now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. And if you don't get one of those beach chairs, well, I'll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can relax on that." --David Letterman

"You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It's right there. It's kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front 'til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. --David Letterman

"How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It's compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn't resist his good looks and charisma." --David Letterman

"But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan." --David Letterman

"But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East." --David Letterman

"But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air." --David Letterman

"And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida." --David Letterman

"Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don't know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that's me." --David Letterman

"Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I'm not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers." --Conan O'Brien

"President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They're now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he'd be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?" --Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden said something interesting in an interview, just this weekend. Vice President Joe Biden said he still has his eye on the presidency, which is weird since the question was, 'How do you take your coffee?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They're going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." --Conan O'Brien

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere — in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida." --Craig Ferguson

"Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That's like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I'm not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, 'Oh, they're good.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Well, the results from Iran's presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming." --Jimmy Fallon

Thurdsay, June 25, 2009

#1254

Late Night From 06/16

"Thank you very much. Welcome to the 'Late Show', ladies and gentlemen. Now, when I call your name, please come forward and pick up your apology." --David Letterman

"I want to get through this as quickly as possible so you folks can get to the 'Fire Dave' rally." --David Letterman

"It's nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family." --David Letterman

"My son, you know, he's telling everybody at school that his father is Conan." --David Letterman

"Yeah, there's a 'Fire Dave' rally going on outside, but I think it's just about over because the last time I looked, they were breaking up and heading to Flashdancers. So I think it's going to be all right." --David Letterman

"But let's focus on the good news. And the good news is that Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. And she also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey. That helped. That was a big help." --David Letterman

"Trouble here in New York City with Canada geese. And because they pose a threat to air travel in New York New York City is now at war with Canada geese. And Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He is so serious, he's bringing in Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they're demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They've gone crazy." --David Letterman

"And the Iranian government denies that there are crowds of protesters in the street. They're out there, like 100,000 people in the streets of Iran protesting. But the government denies that protests are going on. They say it's just citizens enjoying their new pedestrian mall." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is closing down that Guantanamo Bay. Did you hear about this? And they had, like, 300 desperate, awful, nasty prisoners. And they say, 'All right, well, they're shutting it down, what do you do with those guys?' I say, aw hell, bring 'em to the audience. Let 'em come and enjoy the show. Have a nice time. Participate in the rally." --David Letterman

"But he's sending some of these people to Bermuda. And the really tough ones, they're going to Ft. Lauderdale." --David Letterman

"He doesn't know what to do with the Guantanamo Bay prisoners, and I was thinking, well, you know, if you want to keep 'em busy, just put 'em in charge of my hate mail." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they're actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, 'It's a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he's buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer. Now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What's going on? I think he's like Benjamin Button. He'll be a cute little baby." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hi, everyone. I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I'm planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately. He was all over NBC the week before last. Next week, he's doing a two-hour, primetime town hall here on ABC. But if we didn't want our President on TV all the time, maybe we shouldn't have elected Oprah's boyfriend." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a crazy story. Fidel Castro, the former Cuban dictator, has a son named Antonio. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part — for eight months, Antonio Castro carried on an online affair with what he thought was a beautiful Colombian woman. That woman turned out to be a man, a Cuban activist who lives in Miami. It's especially fun because the Internet is difficult to access in Cuba. To get online in Cuba, you know, you have to give — I think you have to give five fish to a guy who has ColecoVision hooked up to a 1958 Impala." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 26, 2009

#1255

Late Night From 06/17

"Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this — this was a little weird. Right here, we're doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the 'Fire Dave' rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving." --David Letterman

"And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They've been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies." --David Letterman

"Well, here's more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain." --David Letterman

"So now they're going through the recount. They're recounting the ballots cast in the Iranian election, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman." --David Letterman

"It's illegal for rallies or demonstrations in Iran. But yet you turn on the news, and you see hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting, and the government says: 'No, no, no. That's not a public protest. Those are just people lining up to see 'The Hangover.'' --David Letterman

"Here's the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he's got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantánamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. You're thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It's a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room." --David Letterman

"Well, our old friend John McCain -- and I think we should all follow this man's example -- bought a hybrid car. It's not his first hybrid car. His first one was actually a horse and buggy." --David Letterman

"Yeah, it's a hybrid car. I hear this one runs on gasoline and Metamucil." --David Letterman

"People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's re-election may have been a sham because he's claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They're also suspicious of Ahmadinejad's claim that he's dating Megan Fox." --Conan O'Brien

"The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama hard at work on the health-care situation. His new health-care bill proposal is so expensive, though, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic, it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three." --Conan O'Brien

"It has been reported that Twitter usage ... is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, June 27, 2009

#1256

Late Night From 06/18
Part 1

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn't even break his hair." --Craig Ferguson

"Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire." --Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service performed beautifully but they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut Hillary out of her pantsuit." --Craig Ferguson

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. The guy can't win anything." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know how flies got on PETA's do not kill list, but they have. And I say let he who is without a stain on his windshield that used to be a moth cast the first stone." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House, though, doesn't like confrontation. You know, they like to work things out. So as a gesture of goodwill, they have relocated the fly's family to the Rose Garden, where they are now living on a fresh pile of Bo Obama's dog droppings. So that's nice." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If you haven't seen the video, it is pretty impressive. Reminds me of the time our previous president killed a worm with his tricycle." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl broke the fall, so she is okay." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone at the White House is concerned about her, and to wish her well today, they flew a pantsuit at half mast." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmoud A Members Only Jacket." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, June 28, 2009

#1257

Late Night From 06/18
Part 2

"My family is taking me out to brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing." --David Letterman

"But my son, God bless him. In school, he made me a very special Father's Day gift. It's a huge in-box for all my hate mail." --David Letterman

"And by the way, if you haven't bought dad a gift for Father's Day, you can't go wrong with the new book by Rush Limbaugh. You know the one I'm talking about? 'Too Fat to Fish.'" --David Letterman

"They're having a lot of trouble over there in Iran. They had the presidential election. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- it was controversial, they were tied, and now he's claiming that he won by a landslide. So his opposition, they're out on the streets. And you know, when you're out in Iran, you're not supposed to be -- public displays, no, you can't do that. And it's like hundreds of thousands of people in the streets now protesting this election. And the government is going crazy. And they're saying, 'No, no, no, no. It's not a -- no, that, that's not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones.'" --David Letterman

"But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"But the Iranian supreme leader will be speaking about the presidential election tomorrow. And if he does well, Al Jazeera will give him the 10:00 p.m. spot." --David Letterman

"Here's some wacky news. Last week, Sonia Sotomayor busted up her leg and I guess yesterday Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. It's crazy. And I was thinking, what a coincidence. I have a bad elbow myself. I really do. It's from all the drinking I've been doing the last couple of weeks. Hello!" --David Letterman

"But I thought this was nice. When he heard she broke her elbow, Rush Limbaugh sent over some painkillers. So she's going to be fine." --David Letterman

"But she — here's what happened. This was sad. Hillary apparently broke her elbow when she slipped and fell bursting into Bill's office unannounced." --David Letterman

"Here's fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick 'Boom Boom' Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn't it? He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular." --David Letterman

"I'm not surprised that Dick Cheney's approval rating has really soared, really skyrocketed, up to 26%. Because you know, he gave people what they wanted. He left office." --David Letterman

"A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody's worried. This is a true story. Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he'd get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers." --Conan O'Brien

"The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life." --Conan O'Brien

Monday, June 29, 2009

#1258

Late Night From 06/19

"The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska."

"The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist." --Bill Maher

"Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher

"And I think what's interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I'm not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?" --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"They said his chief of staff, the guy who's wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That's a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? 'Look, senator, I'm upside-down on my mortgage, you've been upside down on my wife...'" --Bill Maher

"This is all very ironic, because this is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama, because he won't come out for gay marriage. He threw them a ball with federal benefits. They didn't like that. They said, we are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected. He said, well that's almost like being married." --Bill Maher

"In other news, the world's oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans." --Bill Maher

"And finally, I'm saving the big story for last. Have you heard this? We are preparing for a big high seas showdown with North Korea. You heard that? They may be transporting nukes. We're going to intercept their ships. It's going to be fun stuff! That's right, we're going to be intercepting their ships. The winner of the round meets the Somali pirates. And the loser has to fight the Carnival cruise line." --Bill Maher

"The big news, the Iranian government is trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That's the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran's supreme leader declared last week's presidential election 'an absolute victory.' That's what he said. Yep. Yeah, then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship." --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. That's cool. Yeah. And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin." --Conan O'Brien

"On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow, so yesterday, she worked from home. Mm-hmm. Yeah, which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words 'Help Me' with garden gnomes." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. The state of New Hampshire is projecting an additional $55 million in revenue, now that they've legalized gay marriage. Yeah, as a result, the state motto has been changed from 'Live Free or Die' to 'These Blueberry Scones are to Die For.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there's no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross." --Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

#1259

Late Night From 06/22

"Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has 'done well' during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain's so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside." --Conan O'Brien

"More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and the NBC primetime lineup." --Conan O'Brien

"Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns, voter turnout was more than 100%. What's even stranger, all those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Florida." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' The tobacco companies said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama's approval rating of 61%, which I thought was staggeringly high, has now dropped to 56%. So don't kid yourselves. Hillary could still win this thing." --David Letterman

"Did you hear this? Hillary Clinton busted her elbow. Apparently, she slipped and hit the floor when she went home to her husband early, unannounced." --David Letterman

"And she hasn't recovered yet. As a matter of fact, she's still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit." --David Letterman

"John McCain is being more outspoken about President Obama's foreign policy and his Iranian strategy. And today, McCain got so loud and so angry, and he was screaming, that they asked him to leave Denny's." --David Letterman

"You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera's most popular show, their number one show over there, which is 'How I Met Your Camel.'" --David Letterman

"But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. Well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman

"He did say that there was some trouble early on and they did make some errors. As a matter of fact, he's now saying that they forgot to count votes for Susan Boyle." --David Letterman

"But the Iranian government is planning a curfew because things are getting so crazy in Iran. And I thought if there is one thing an angry mob respects, by God, it's a curfew, isn't it?" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after having surgery to repair her broken right elbow. Yeah, doctors say she'll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time." --Jimmy Fallon

Wed., July 01, 2009

#1260

vacation

Thurdsay, July 02, 2009

#1261

vacation

Friday, July 03, 2009

#1262

vacation

Saturday, July 25, 2009

#1263

Late Night From 06/23

"The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the U.S.S. John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn't dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own." --Conan O'Brien

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says." --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know anything about this swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? He's in jail now and they haven't even sentenced the guy yet. But he's in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I'm thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?" --David Letterman

"And his attorney is looking for a shorter sentence. He wants 12 years. Bernie wants 12 years. Well, you know, if anybody deserves a break, it's this guy, really." --David Letterman

"Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that's a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in." --David Letterman

"Have you been following what's going on in Iran? Oh, it's crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn't ruin the swinging Iranian night life." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, 'Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let's go. Let's get those plans in order. Let's have some fun.'" --David Letterman

"And the leader of Iran's opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he's ready to become a martyr. Don't kid yourselves. It's tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you're only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford just disappears for four days. Literally, takes a hike. He's out. And now, he's back. And he says, 'Well what's the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.' You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"This is a big story because his wife, the governor's wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, 'Hey, who's your travel agent? Who, where, how do I -- how do I get in on this?'" --David Letterman

"Here's a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I'm kind of afraid to say anything." --David Letterman

"The Department of Homeland Security says that they will no longer use any U.S. spy satellites for domestic surveillance. In other words [on screen: Fallon whispers] yes, they will. An earthquake struck Alaska on Monday that registered a magnitude 5.4. But as Sarah Palin said, 'It felt like a 6 point oh, my gosh!'' --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, July 26, 2009

#1264

Late Night From 06/24
Part 1

"You folks been following what's going on in Iran? Listen to this. They've been going over the voting results, the presidential election, and the president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, received more than 100% of the vote." --David Letterman

"And now, you know, you're not supposed to have any kind of a protest and the government is saying, 'There's no protesting going on. People are not booing. The crowds that you see are not booing. They're just chanting, 'Mahmoud! Mahmoud! Mahmoud!''' --David Letterman

"But the Iranian supreme leader says the election results are official. He said, 'It's over, the election results are official. And besides that, it costs too much to rig another election.'" --David Letterman

"And President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He's very upset about what's going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he's going to stop smoking Camels." --David Letterman

"Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, two Columbia University students who major in statistics say the Iranian election was rigged because they found there were too many sevens and not enough fives in the vote total. Then the students admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends." --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse which they say will be better for the environment than the traditional gas-powered hearse. Experts say it's the perfect way to tell everyone at your funeral procession, 'I'm judging you from beyond the grave.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen Sandiego." --Jimmy Fallon

"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy Fallon

"Needless to say, this not great news for the Republican Party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these situations lately: Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, David Vitter, John Ensign from Nevada. And do you want to know why this is happening? The gays. They've destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get" --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses

10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating.
9. Had to so something after devastating news about Jon and Kate.
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey.
5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault.
4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas?
3. Putting together my audition tape for "The Amazing Race."
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno

Monday, July 27, 2009

#1265

Late Night From 06/24
Part 2

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"This whole affair is really a sad story. That has to be the worst thing ever done by a guy named Sanford, except for that episode of 'Sanford & Son' where Fred broke Lamont's glass figurine collection." --Craig Ferguson

"Good for her I say! Good for you! Finally! I never understood why these women had to stand by their douchebag at the press conference. He's like, 'Oh I did this I did that then I took off her dress and then we went to Hooters'...I think what the wives should do is just wear a t-shirt that says 'I'm with stupid.'" --Craig Ferguson, on Mark Sanford's wife not appearing at his press conference

"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson

"Last night, we talked about the strange disappearance of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. The media reported he was hiking the Appalachian Trail and forgot to tell anyone, including his wife and sons, over Father's Day weekend. We here reported that he had actually gone into the woods to chase a coyote and f*** it. It turns out, we were both wrong [on screen: a report saying Sanford had been in Argentina]. I apologize to you, sir, for implying that you were a coyote f***er. Clearly, you went to Argentina to have dirty, dirty sex with a capybara, a giant rodent indigenous to the Argentine region." --Jon Stewart

"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart

"'Come on, honey, let's f***. You're giving me blue state balls.'" --Jon Stewart

"Well, you know what they say, in the way that no man can resist the wiles of an exotic Argentine woman, those same women are equally tantalized by middle-aged, fiscally conservative Episcopalians."--Stephen Colbert

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Their governor down there, Mark Sanford disappears. He's gone for four days. The first time he said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Okay, I'm just dumb enough to believe that. Then he says, 'No, no, no, forget the Appalachian Trail. I was in South America.' Now, I'm not sure I'm with him. Today he said he woke up in Las Vegas, hung over with a tiger and a baby." --David Letterman

"I have to be careful here. I haven't had much luck with jokes about governors, so I have to be careful." --David Letterman

"But now it turns out that he was in Argentina with another woman. A married guy, got a family, he's in Argentina with another woman. And here's what I want to know -- why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service? What's the problem?" --David Letterman

"You know about this Bernie Madoff, the weasel? The guy - I mean, up to a couple of weeks ago, he was the most hated man in America. And then I had my trouble with the governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"Well, they're getting ready to sentence the guy and they're talking about he could go away for quite a long time, and he's now asking the judge for a reduced sentence. Did you know you could do that? I had no idea you could say, 'Well, you know what? I was thinking more in terms of, you know, maybe a weekend now, and a weekend after the holidays.'" --David Letterman

"Yeah, Bernie is asking for a sentence of 12 years. Nice to see the guy hasn't lost his sense of humor." --David Letterman

"But in addition to the sentence, he is also banned from trading securities. And I thought, well, they nipped that in the bud. Way to go." --David Letterman

"You guys remember Dick Cheney? Vice President for eight years? Listen to this - and by all means try to stay in your seats when you hear the news. Don't be rushing out to bookstores. He's written a memoir about his life. Not just a memoir, a thousand pages! It's a great book. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book." --David Letterman

"This guy doesn't say anything for eight years, and now he's got a thousand-page book? Talk about torture. There's your torture right there." --David Letterman
"Anyway, the book is fantastic, and you better get to Barnes & Noble early for the book shooting." --David Letterman

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

#1266

Late Night From 06/25

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Late Show.' My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!" --David Letterman

"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman

"This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests, keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking." --David Letterman

"President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there." --David Letterman

"And it's a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? You're here but you don't want to admit it." --David Letterman

"Well, it's the latest political scandal. Mr. And Mrs. Sanford, you know, the Jon and Kate of politics." --David Letterman

"Turned out the governor disappears, for like, the weekend. Finally, his staff said, 'Don't worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.' But it turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was with a woman from Argentina. Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don't necessarily have better judgment than white men." --David Letterman

"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman

"It's a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on TV." --David Letterman

"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman

"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman

"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Isn't that the lowest? Yeah, probably the most shameless had to be, 'Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's another new development in the Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, 'Wait. You can do that? No one told me that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"People are calling him a hypocrite, because he's another family values politician having an affair, but I don't see it in political terms. I'm just embarrassed for my gender. Ladies, if you want to know what it's like being a guy, think about the fact that there's a man, the governor of a good-sized state, who asked himself, 'Hmm, can I sneak off to Argentina for a week with my lover without anybody finding out?' And somehow came up with the answer 'yes.' I hope that gives you a sense of what we're up against." --Jimmy Kimmel

"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford

10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"
9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states
8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated.
7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President.
6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout.
5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov."
4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx.
3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents.
2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again.
1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling

Wed., July 29, 2009

#1267

Late Night From 06/26

"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Sanford apologized to his Cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. And in response, his cabinet member said, 'An apology is not good enough. We want photos. That sounds hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's the latest in Iran: Opposition groups have announced that, from now on, they're going to hold their protest rallies online. All their protests will be online, yeah. Protestors say they're going to overthrow the Iranian regime, then they're going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford -- you know this guy? It's the guy that went to, like, on the Appalachian Trail and then he ended up cheating on his wife in Argentina. Anyway, he met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair with the woman in Argentina yesterday. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, 'Did I get any emails while I was away?' ... Then he said, 'Hey, if it's any consolation, I got you a shot glass at the airport.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Celebrity birthday, Ross Perot, do you remember Ross Perot, ran for president a couple of times? 79 years old today, and still vital, vibrant and going strong. As a matter of fact, he received 9% of the vote in Iran." --David Letterman

Thurdsay, July 30, 2009

#1268

Late Night From 07/06

"President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house." --David Letterman

"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman, referring to his feud with Palin

"But a lot of public figures do this. And I've tried to do it. Doesn't work. You blame the media. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today, as a matter of fact, she was up in a helicopter, shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

"But I was talking to a lady here in the audience who's from Alaska. And we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? Because she steps down and no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out, the title now is -- Miss Congeniality steps up, I think, -- is now the governor of Alaska. I think so." --David Letterman

"Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, 'It's North Korea! It's North Korea! Run!'" --David Letterman

"How about that North Korea? Over the weekend, launched seven missiles, and Joe Biden, the Vice President, says that they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down." --David Letterman

"Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his 'soulmate.' And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it's a fiscal conservative, am I right?" --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Out of nowhere. It's crazy. She resigned. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party. But they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head." --Conan O'Brien

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned to work today after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Yeah. Or as Sanford called the weekend, 'a total waste of time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of political sex scandals, there's a rumor that former presidential candidate John Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress. It's true. Yeah, sources say the tape starts off with 45 minutes of John Edwards running his fingers through his own hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson

"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

Friday, July 31, 2009

#1269

Late Night From 07/07
Part 1

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, Senator John McCain was reportedly surprised by Sarah Palin's resignation as governor of Alaska. He said he was surprised. McCain was also surprised to find that television now comes in color." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine

10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"

Saturday, Aug 01, 2009

#1270

Late Night From 07/07
Part 2

"President Obama is in Russia. Today he waved to Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in Russia. He met with Putin. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain was chasing kids off his lawn." --David Letterman

"But it's an important trip for Obama to go to Russia. He's gotten a lot of concessions. He has now gotten the Russians to agree to decrease production of nuclear warheads. Well that's not bad right there. And, that's not all. They're going to increase production of fruit-flavored vodka." --David Letterman

"But it's not all fun and games for President Obama over there in Russia. He has a busy agenda. Today, he visited the birthplace of Yakov Smirnoff." --David Letterman

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her." --David Letterman

"And people are puzzled by this. They say, 'Well Governor, Sarah, what are you going to do? What's going to happen?' And insiders believe that she hopes to be the next 'Octomom.' But I don't know." --David Letterman

"But she's going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o'clock slot." --David Letterman

"She said that before she decided to quit, she called Dick Cheney. Do you remember Dick 'Ka-boom' Cheney? And I thought, well, this is great because when you want some advice on strategic maneuvers, I mean, you go to the architect of the Iraqi war. I mean, isn't that where you go? That's where you want to be." --David Letterman

"But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Here's something wacky. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives -- well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It's a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel." --David Letterman

"But the book is going to be huge. It's being published by Random Cave." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations on your new senator, Al Franken, finally sworn in as Senator of Minnesota. Sworn in today, down in Washington. A lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady." --David Letterman

"They swear him in today. Listen to this. He has to race right back to Minnesota to begin his re-election campaign. It's crazy." --David Letterman

Sunday, Aug 02, 2009

#1271

Late Night From 07/08
Part 1

"Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he's going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it's Martha Stewart." --David Letterman

"But good news for Madoff's wife, Ruth. They returned her passport. She has her passport back. Earlier, she flew off to Argentina with Governor Sanford." --David Letterman

"Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here's what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole." --David Letterman

"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman

"North Korea has gone nuts. I don't know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don't know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, 'Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'" --David Letterman

"President Obama is at one of the G-8 summits in Italy. Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, who ran for president against Obama, is in Arizona, heating up a can of Chef Boyardee." --David Letterman

"This is what is on the agenda over there in Italy for the G-8 leaders. Financial crisis, global financial crisis. World poverty. Climate change. Giant transforming robots." --David Letterman

"But the G-8 summit in Italy is being hosted by Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Italy. And the meeting went pretty well. He was only interrupted once by his wife accusing him of adultery." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison

10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?
6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo 'America's Got Talent' for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?

Monday, Aug 03, 2009

#1272

Late Night From 07/08
Part 2

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman

"I want to say something here, and it's kind of a sensitive area. There was a press conference, and Sarah Palin announced she is stepping down. Then the next day, there was footage of her fishing. I mean -- say what you will -- I thought she looked great, so great, Russia was watching her." --David Letterman

"Palin, she's stepping down. Then the next day, there was footage of her she went fishing. Is it just me, or is anybody else here having naughty thoughts about Sarah Palin in those waders? All right. I'm just apologize for that right now. ... In fact, she looked so great, Russia was watching her." --David Letterman

"Finally, the courts ruled that Al Franken defeated the incumbent, Norm Coleman. Here, we have a report right here. Al Franken being sworn in [on screen: footage of Franken swearing-in ceremony at the Capitol. An announcer says, "Al Franken is proud to have finally become Minnesota's junior senator. However, due to the unrelenting media scrutiny, Senator Franken has decided to resign and go fishing in Alaska. Al Franken: Be There." --David Letterman

"I know we got a lot of people here from out of town, and I hate to bring bad news to you, because I know it's your vacation, a lot of people are here on vacation. And New York City, because of all the rain -- it's really nobody's fault -- we got a mosquito problem. So, the good news is the blood suckers are no longer just on Wall Street." --David Letterman

Tuesday, Aug 04, 2009

#1273

Late Night From 07/09

"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest figures show that because of the bad economy, homelessness in the suburbs is increasing. So the next time you hear something rustling around in your trash, it could be one of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'' --Conan O'Brien

"This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States and Russia's nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev's name by a 'dev.' It's going to be Medved." --Conan O'Brien

"Pizza Hut has announced they are rebranding themselves as 'The Hut.' When asked why, a spokesman for Pizza Hut said they are tired of watching customers get winded when saying the full name." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin no longer governor of Alaska, and it looks now, like she may get her own television program, you know. And I was thinking I don't know, she seems pretty camera shy." --David Letterman

"But here's what I can tell you about having your own TV show. Sarah, if you're watching, and you get a TV show, you gotta be very careful what you say on the air, because you can get yourself into a lot of trouble, okay?" --David Letterman

"Now how about this guy? That Osama bin Laden, what a guy. And turns out now his first wife -- and he had, like, 30 or 40 wives -- well, his first wife has written a book about being married to a bin Laden. And she says that she suspected the marriage was in trouble when he told her he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"Najwa is her name, Najwa, and she said they had a lovely wedding. Friends got together and tied tin cans to the back of their camel." --David Letterman

"Oh, by the way, President Obama is in Italy attending the world summit, the G8 summit leaders. And meanwhile, in Arizona, Senator John McCain sat on his porch waving at cars." --David Letterman

"And as you know, in the G8 summit, the world leaders get together, there's usually a big protest. Not so many protests this year in Italy. However, there was one small Fire Dave rally." --David Letterman

"But the G8 leaders all said, 'Oh, look out, what are we going to do? The Earth is getting hot, getting hot, getting very, very hot.' And they also warned that Megan Fox is 'getting too hot.'" --David Letterman

"World leaders pledged to stop global warming. They said, 'Yeah we got to stop global warming.' And they all said, 'Yes, absolutely.' Then they got on their private planes and flew home. So that'll nip that in the bud." --David Letterman

Wed., Aug 05, 2009

#1274

Late Night From 07/10

"I don't know if you're following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. … Or, as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That's right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the President's in Africa now. This is a big story. CNN's Anderson Cooper landed an exclusive interview with President Obama in Ghana. … So now, Obama's challenge will be to somehow pick Anderson Cooper out of a crowd of Africans." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for GM today. They emerged from bankruptcy and the newly appointed CEO said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing this, GM employees said, 'You can tell this guy's new around here.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin's former fiance, Levi Johnston, told the press that he thinks Sarah Palin stepped down as governor so she could cash in on fame. Levi made this accusation while hosting a party in the Hamptons for Tommy Bahama dark rum." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman

"You know anything about -- we had a guy in town, he's gone away to jail now for 150 years -- Bernie Madoff? And now the U.S. government has started trying to find out about his wife, who had, like, $87 million. And she kept saying, now this is not money that Bernie swiped. This is not -- this is not money that he swindled. This is not swindling money. You see, this is money I saved by switching to Geico. They said, 'What?! That's -- how is that possible lady?'" --David Letterman

"So they took all of that money and she's down to $2.5 million. But I was thinking, you know, with that and her Social Security and the $10 billion she has hidden in the Cayman Islands, well, she should be all right." --David Letterman

"But Ruth Madoff says she had no idea what Bernie was up to. And I thought, well, what a coincidence, neither did the SEC." --David Letterman

"But Ruth -- listen to this -- Ruth lost her house. Ruth lost her house, lost her car; has lost her savings. I mean, I'm telling you, it's like being a Bernie Madoff client." --David Letterman

"You folks worried about North Korea? … Everybody is getting paranoid about North — I took Mom to see the fireworks and every time they set off a big one, she'd scream, 'It's North Korea!'" --David Letterman

"It's frightening times, when you think about it, with all these dictators. And they are all smallish. They're all on the small side. Kim Jong-Il, tiny guy. Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg, tiny guy." --David Letterman

"But anyway, over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles. And it was their way of saying: 'Iran's not the craziest country. We are the craziest country, so get ready.'" --David Letterman

Thurdsay, Aug 06, 2009

#1275

Late Night From 07/13
Part 1

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin said when she leaves the governor's office at the end of the month, she's open to campaigning for some Democrats. Well, that's great news for Republicans." --Jimmy Fallon

"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation

"Yeah, I guess you could stay in your job and overcome the distractions and difficulties that have come from your national candidacy, but that's what dead quitty fish would do. And you're no dead quitty fish! You are leaving the water, and living on land, like smart fish! You're quitting." --Jon Stewart

"Take it from a guy who's quit a lot of jobs. You're quitting. I've done the whole 'dead fish' thing myself. 'Hey, f*** this bakery! I'm no dead fish! I'm outta here.'" --Jon Stewart

"As expected, the news of her resignation has done nothing but help ex-Governor Palin. 71% of Republicans now say they would pick her as their presidential candidate. And from the look of today's New York Times [on screen: footage of the New York Times front page, which features Palin signing her name on a baby's body] -- What?! The whole world has gone mad! She's signing babies! She's kissing speeches! She's shaking hands with photo ops and giving out votes to campaign buttons. Nothing this woman does makes any sense whatsoever. Where do I vote? Palin '07! Palin '07!" --Jon Stewart

David Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Was going to make it public, but then I remembered I'm an evil bastard.
9. It was so secret, I didn't even tell myself about it.
8. Uh oh, chest pains -- gotta go!
7. Wasn't me -- I was judging a water ski exhibition in Orlando.
6. Hellooo -- everything I do is illegal.
5. Spy program? I thought it was a pie program.
4. No habla Ingles.
3. I can't willfully violate the Constitution and the rights of every American citizen -- what is this, Russia?
2. Dude, bros before hos.
1. If I announced every evil thing I did, I wouldn't have time to shoot old guys in the face

Friday, Aug 07, 2009

#1276

Late Night From 07/13
Part 2

"Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference." --David Letterman

"There is a new Osama bin Laden tape. And people say, 'Well, is it a new tape?' Yes. They verified it, it's a new audiotape because in it, he says he doesn't think that 'Bruno' is as funny as 'Borat.'" --David Letterman

"They began the confirmation hearings down in Washington for a new Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor. Anybody see it? Something always goes haywire. The hearings for the confirmation were delayed until security could quiet down all of the Chuck Schumer groupies." --David Letterman

"But Sonia Sotomayor is in for a couple hours of intense grilling, you know, like me when I get home late." --David Letterman

"But if you're interested in the confirmation hearings, you can watch them live on C-SPAN Dos." --David Letterman

"Beautiful weather here in New York City. Sunny, beautiful, sunny, clear day. It was so bright and sunny, you could even see what Dick Cheney was up to." --David Letterman

"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman

"They tried to get a hold of Cheney for comment, but his staff said, 'No, no, you can't talk to Cheney. He's taking a hike on the Appalachian Trail.'" --David Letterman

"Very secret operation, went on for eight years. Nobody knew anything about it. The only thing they knew was that it was called 'Operation Hunting Accident.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman

"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 08, 2009

#1277

Late Night From 07/14
Part 1

"I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney." --David Letterman

"I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain." --Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret, Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you hunting." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing. That's bad. That's not good." --Jimmy Fallon

"Lauren Conrad -- star of 'The Hills' -- she topped the children's New York Times bestseller list with her book 'L.A. Candy.' As a result, the Department of Education has launched a new program telling kids not to read." --Jimmy Fallon

"For her part, Sonia Sotomayor sat perfectly still as senator after senator after senator talked over her, at her, and down to her. Never, ever moving. In fact, at one point, she sat so still her body's screensaver came on." --Jon Stewart

"I spent all day watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings. It was like watching Ambien-colored paint dry. It was so boring, it put her own family to sleep. I believe they were dreaming about something much more exciting, like Joe Biden filling ice cube trays." --Stephen Colbert

"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky

10. Addressed senators with "Whaddaya say, meat?"
9. Spent the entire hearing updating her Twitter page.
8. Interrupted questioning to get fitted for her robe.
7. Turned surprisingly hostile when told, "No open containers."
6. Left early to tackle the case of Sotomayor vs. Applebee's riblets.
5. Started hitting on Clarence Thomas.
4. Kept referring to Al Franken as "Church Lady."
3. Phoned in from All-Star Game in St. Louis to see how the confirmation hearings were going.
2. Only answers she gave were "Maybe" and "How the hell should I know?"
1. Took the day off to go salmon fishing with Sarah Palin

Sunday, Aug 09, 2009

#1278

Late Night From 07/14
Part 2

"President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee today. I guess they have to do that in order to be confirmed to the Supreme Court. Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if she had a meltdown, in which case she'd be named the governor of Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see this, yesterday in Washington? President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Meanwhile, Joe Biden's teleprompter has been treated for exhaustion." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course,Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings are under way. It's interesting. Political experts say that if Republican senators attack Sonia Sotomayor too harshly, they could alienate Latino members of their own party. This may explain with Republicans opened every question with, 'As a huge fan of Santana.'" --Conan O'Brien

"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President Bill Clinton said he supports gay marriage. However, Clinton still remains very much strongly opposed to straight marriage." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former presidents, yesterday, former President George W. Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was someone known as 'The Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman

"But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." --David Letterman

"Now here is the thing. Here are the two sides of this. The ying and the yang. Idea was we'd kill off al Qaeda leaders. That's the ying, I guess. The yang is completely illegal. But, listen to this. Before you make your judgment, before you decide, if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman

"Now, you know, there's a brand new audio tape from Osama bin Laden. You know what the guy does, like, every couple of months, he'll shoot out a new audio tape. It's just to irritate people and get them all worked up and stuff. Should really be stopped. But in the new tape, they know it's current because he talks about his ex-wife's new book that she's written about him. In the new tape, he says, 'Yeah, well, let me tell you something. If you'd be married to her, you'd be drunk all the time, too. You try living in a cave with that woman!'" --David Letterman

"Are you watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court? Are you watching those? Day two. Fascinating stuff. And, man, did you see it this morning? Had the place going crazy. She shows up and right off the bat, she opens up with 'I Dreamed a Dream'. Wow!" --David Letterman

"Then this was odd. Kind of awkward. When everybody calmed down, Clarence Thomas sent over a mojito." --David Letterman

"This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he's using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, 'Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can't think and speak on his -- flip the card for me -- on his feet.'" --David Letterman

Monday, Aug 10, 2009

#1279

Late Night From 07/15

"Sonia Sotomayor in the news. She's testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee." --Conan O'Brien

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president. Then he said, 'Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Have you been watching the confirmation hearings going on down there in Washington, D.C.? Sonia Sotomayor, the hearings, have you been watching those? Good news, the FDA has just approved a new, non-drowsy version of Senator Orrin Hatch. Boy, do we need it now!" --David Letterman

"Folks see the All-Star Game last night, the baseball All-Star Game? Whew! I thought this was exciting. President Obama threw out the first pitch. Did you see that? Because they were playing in St. Louis at a National League park, he also had to bat. Were you aware of that?" --David Letterman

"But he admitted today that after throwing out the first pitch, his arm was a little sore. And today, Rush Limbaugh offered him some OxyContin." --David Letterman

"I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the All-Star Game and Obama throwing out the first pitch. New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said he was making out with Kate Hudson." --David Letterman

"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. Yeah. They're not sure what they're going to replace it. But anything where you spend ten minutes at the airport going, 'Wait. Is the orange bad or is the orange good?' 'Well oranges are good.' 'I don't like oranges.' 'What do you mean you don't like oranges?' 'I don't like them. I never liked them.' 'You don't like clementines?' 'What are clementines?' 'They're like tangerines or something.' 'No, tangerines are tangerines. What is a clementine?' 'I don't know, oh wait we missed our flight.' Terrorists! Terrorists, they do this to us." --Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the baseball All-Star Game last night. And I know the President is busy, but he really needs a personal shopper. Once again, Obama appeared in public in a pair of heavily starched, stonewashed jeans with a big crease down the front of them, as if his mom had ironed them or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tueday, Aug 11, 2009

#1280

Late Night From 07/16

"I got the latest on South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Governor Sanford is spending this week on vacation with his wife in order to improve their marriage. Apparently, it's not going well, because Sanford keeps introducing his wife as 'my wing man.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's in the news. She's recovering very well from her broken elbow. They revealed this today in the paper. As part of Hillary Clinton's physical therapy for her elbow, several times a day, doctors have her repeatedly squeeze a gelatinous ball. Yeah, although it was Hillary's idea to scream, 'Take that, you son of a bitch!'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's in the news. CNN reports that Senator John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. And apparently, every single one of McCain's tweets says, 'The nurse is stealing from me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, at her confirmation hearing, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere, including Wikipedia, which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, California may have solved its budget problems. True story -- a politician in California has proposed a plan that eliminates the state's budget deficit by legalizing and taxing the sale of marijuana. It's called Proposition Fo' Shizzle." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he will strike Iran's enemies 'in the face so hard' that they will lose their way home. Then he told Israel to meet him after school by the flagpole." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you had a chance to watch the confirmation hearings going down at Washington, D.C., with Sonia Sotomayor, to be the next Supreme Court justice? And it's been like three or four days now. I'm telling you, she is on fire. She is so confident about getting the confirmation. Did you see this morning? She opened up, she goes outside the Capitol, does a couple of songs on the marquee." --David Letterman

"Here in California, we have no money. Our budget situation is a mess. And when you have no money, what do you do? You sell drugs, right? A state representative from San Francisco just introduced a bill that would legalize marijuana. He claims it would raise almost $1.5 billion a year for the state in taxes, and another $3 billion in Cheeto sales." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In the end Sotomayor coasted through the hearings by proving she had a great respect for judicial precedent. The judicial precedent being that Supreme Court nominees do their best during a hearing to say nothing." --Jon Stewart

Wed., Aug 12, 2009

#1281

Late Night From 07/17

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

"President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his health care plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan, half-Kansan presidents who were born in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, it's very cool. It's the fortieth anniversary of the moon landing, considered by some to be mankind's greatest achievement. ... Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Sonia Sotomayor's questioning finally came to an end. Sotomayor said that she had received a 'gracious and fair' hearing. Her exact quote was, 'Thanks a lot, you old honkies. I'm outta here. You can kiss my a**.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, 'Wii Job Interview.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. ... The whole thing was delayed. Do you remember the delay? They had to go through Newark." --David Letterman

"President Obama, he's the kind of guy with a lot of foresight, a lot of vision. He says that he would like to put another man on the moon. He's thinking about maybe Joe Biden." --David Letterman

Thursday, Aug 13, 2009

#1282

Late Night From 07/20

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon

"And just this morning, Hillary Clinton said that the US will not comment on North Korea's nuclear tests to avoid giving them attention. And then she said, 'Oh, wait, damn, I just -- I kind of just mentioned it." --Jimmy Fallon

"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap." --David Letterman

"She's leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman

"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman

"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973."  --Jon Stewart

"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina."  --Jon Stewart

"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!"  --Jon Stewart

"But to me, the best part about this story were the love letters, the bearing of one's soul in a plaintive attempt to woo the affection of another. I was certainly not talking about the letters that Sanford wrote to his Argentinean paramour. I haven't seen those. I'm talking about the letters that journalists wrote to Sanford's office to try and get the governor to appear on their 'news' programs. Beware [on screen: lights dim, 70s-style music fades in]. I'm going to share a few of these emails. I'll warn you, they're hot. Might want to have the kids to leave the room. Aw, yeah [on screen: text of some journalists' emails to Sanford's office, while footage of wild animals procreating plays in the background]. ... Now, in these journalists' defense, we added the animals having sex." --Jon Stewart

"Walter Cronkite's influence on the news is still felt today, in that news anchors still wear ties. Other parts of his legacy have become obsolete. For instance, dispassionate reporting is fine for covering the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but not for an issue as complex as Octomom. Sadly, Cronkite's passing is not getting the kind of cable news attention I believe it deserves. I watched the coverage this weekend and I didn't see one helicopter shot of his home. I don't even think his family has booked the Staples Center yet." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises on the NASA Moon Landing Tapes

10. Neil Armstrong demanded to be addressed  as 'Spock.'
9. Buzz Aldrin won $20 bet by eating a pound of moon dust.
8. Sea of Tranquility had a place where you could rent kayaks.
7. Audible meowing indicates someone brought a kitty.
6. Were supposed to go to Mars, but the men refused to stop and ask for directions.
You ladies know! LOL!
5. Dumb scientist yelled, 'They put a man on the moon, what? How'd they get him back?'
4. Someone at NASA taped over the first half with 'Gunsmoke.'
3. Due to time, NASA had to edit out the big dance number.
2. Aliens ... Run!
1. Aldrin admitted taking one giant leap onto Armstrong's wife

Friday, Aug 14, 2009

#1283

Late Night From 07/21

"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney - you remember Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick 'Ka-Boom' Cheney, you remember him? He extended his Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I'll tell you who needs protection, Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman

"Cheney needs protection. Yeah, protection from bacon." --David Letterman

"You remember before the election, in October and September, and the big convention, all people could talk about was Sarah Palin and John McCain? And now, this is Sarah Palin's last week in office as governor of Alaska. Isn't that crazy? Going back to her old job as IHOP hostess." --David Letterman

"But Sunday will be a big day for Sarah Palin. That's the day she plans to go on her porch and wave goodbye to Russia. Then she'll run back in the House and jiggle the handle." --David Letterman

"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman

"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"A new book reveals that George Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, 'That's not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Good News for California. This just came out. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won't be pretty, but times like this call for a sequel to 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 15, 2009

#1284

Late Night From 07/22
Part 1

"Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki says that when President Bush was in office, they used to have a meeting once a week via video conference. Maliki said the teleconferences always ended the same way, with Bush throwing his joystick down and yelling, 'This game is boring!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon

"They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama's pick for surgeon general. She's facing criticism for being overweight. I don't know if Dr. Benjamin's weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs." --Jimmy Fallon

"Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright, then, kidding. And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy." --Jon Stewart

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the Surgeon General Application

10. Are you a surgeon?
9. Can you grow a crazy beard like C. Everett Koop?
8. Are you a general?
7. Any idea what a Surgeon General is supposed to do?
6. Do you have a normal looking pair of jeans the President could borrow?
5. Have you ever obtained pills for Rush Limbaugh?
4. McDreamy or McSteamy?
3. Due to the recession, do you mind working for free?
2. Can we blame the health care crisis on you?
1. Will you look the other way when the President lights up a butt?

Sunday, Aug 16, 2009

#1285

Late Night From 07/22
Part 2

"President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the White House actually - this is true - rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman

"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

"Here's some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy's main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that's a full-time gig." --David Letterman

"The vice president 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Alaska? Sarah Palin, some bad news for Sarah Palin - there's another report now that she may have violated Alaska's ethics laws. Like I'm going to say something about that." --David Letterman

"There's kind of a silly thing. Remember the All-Star Game last week, President Obama throws out the first pitch and everything seemed to be fine. Then later, people started to criticize what he was wearing. They said he's wearing, and I never heard this expression, 'baggie dad jeans.' And Obama was surprised by the whole thing. He said, 'Look, they're not even my baggie dad jeans.' He apparently borrowed them from Chastity Bono." --David Letterman

"President Obama was on television earlier tonight. They held a TV conference earlier tonight. It's nice to see the guy finally getting some air time, I thought." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that?" --David Letterman

"But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he'll never find it." --David Letterman

Monday, Aug 17, 2009

#1286

Late Night From 07/23
Part 1

"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman

"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman

"President Obama was on TV again last night. And, you know, it's interesting - political experts are now saying that President Obama is giving so many interviews and appearing on so many television shows that he's starting to dilute his own message which I think is unfair because I thought Obama was pretty convincing last night on 'Ice Road Truckers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, last night, President Obama gave his healthcare speech. It drew almost 20 million viewers. Twenty million viewers! That's a lot these days. Yeah, these days, the only way you can get 20 million people to tune into the show is to beat Spencer Pratt from MTV's 'The Hills' to death with a naked Megan Fox, the 'Transformers' actress." --Conan O'Brien

"War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?" --Conan O'Brien

Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the President Obama News Conference

10. Began with a moment of silence for the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
9. Vice President Biden stepped up to the podium pleadng for "hair plug reform."
8. Put on Kiss makeup and sang "Dr. Love."
7. MSNBC reporter tried to hug him so Obama went after him with a fire extinguisher (video of Dave & Richard Simmons).
6. Wore his skinny jeans.
5. His ten minute infomercial for the Slap Chop.
4. Claimed he's borrowing $1 trillion from Regis.
3. Told everyone to watch "Men and Their Vegetables," Friday on the "Late Show."
2. In one hour, he went through two packs of Camels.
1. Said he's resigning to run for Governor of Alaska

Tueday, Aug 18, 2009

#1287

Late Night From 07/23
Part 2

"Did you watch President Obama's press conference last night? Well, boring. Let me tell you. I know he's our president so I shouldn't say this, but if he loves this healthcare proposal so much, why doesn't he marry it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn't look good. Right now, it's being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You've got to love North Korea. They're a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is historic, this is huge in the world of politics. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago we had that presidential election. And John McCain was running. And he needed a date for the ticket. So he got a hold of the governor of Alaska. And they ran. They didn't win but they ran. And now the governor of Alaska decided that she's quitting. So on Sunday, she's leaving office. And she will officially hand over her sash and her crown to her successor." --David Letterman

"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman

"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. Sunday is going to be an emotional day. It's her last day. She's going to go out on to the porch and wave goodbye to Russia. So it's a big weekend." --David Letterman

"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman

"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman

"There's a woman in Florida, and they arrested her. And she's in her garage. And you know what she is doing in her garage? She's pretending she's a dentist. And she's making dentures and she has the reclining chair and the drilling equipment and, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Obama health plan." --David Letterman

Wed., Aug 19, 2009

#1288

Late Night From 07/24
Part 1

"Her decision to resign has resulted in an 18-point drop in her approval rating among Americans and a 52-point drop among terrified moose. She says she's going to divide her time between traveling to support conservative causes and learning to pronounce the 'G' at the end of words" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin will be stepping down in two days. Unless, of course, she decides to leave early." --David Letterman

"She's leaving this weekend, and all week long, she's been packing up her stuff. They've got everything loaded up and ready to take off and pull out of the governor's mansion. Oh, I think we have a photograph [on screen: a team of Alaskan huskies pulling a U-Haul through the snow]." --David Letterman

"Governor Palin says she's leaving office because she wants to spend more time hunting down her escaped son-in-law." --David Letterman

"The original astronauts on Apollo 11 visited President Obama in the White House this week. And it was exciting. They told the president, 'Listen, don't kid yourself. The moon is cold. It's desolate. It's barren. It's foreboding. It's creepy.' And Obama said, 'Well, you don't have to tell me. I've got my mother-in-law living in the White House, for God's sakes.'" --David Letterman

"Because Alaska is changing governors over the weekend, we thought, 'Okay, we know quite a lot about Governor Sarah Palin.' ... It's time now to get to know Alaska's new governor [on screen: a photo of Sean Parnell, while an announcer says, 'While Alaska's incoming governor, Sean Parnell, has no problem with David Letterman, in the mid-1980s, he was responsible for several 'Fire Merv Griffin' rallies']." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. " --Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Obama spoke to the Massachusetts police officer who arrested the black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. They had a conversation. Yeah. And Obama says the conversation went well, but there was an awkward moment when the cop arrested Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, police in New Jersey busted a criminal ring that illegally sold everything from Gucci handbags to body parts. Which sounds like one-stop shopping for the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that since becoming president, he's gone from praying before bed to praying all the time. And it's always the same prayer: 'God, please don't let Joe Biden say something stupid today. Please.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The ratings for President Obama's press conference Wednesday night were down 14 percent from his last one. So, to try to boost ratings for his next press conference, they're having his cousin Oliver move into the White House." --Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested yesterday in a huge money laundering scheme. Investigators knew something didn't smell right, aside from what normally didn't smell right in New Jersey." --Jimmy Fallon

"This August, President Obama is renting a vacation home on Martha's Vineyard. It's amazing. It has a basketball court, swimming pool, apple orchard and a driving range. The president says he can't wait to shoot hoops, while Michelle looks forward to pulling apple trees out of the ground with her bare hands." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Farewell party

10. More tiny hot dog appetizers? You betcha.
9. Don't forget to schedule an appointment with Joe the Mover.
8. Quiet down! We don't want to wake the Russians.
7. Todd, I've always wanted to know -- what do you do exactly?
6. John McCain passed out in the dip.
5. Where can I check my pelt?
4. Bad news -- the new governor just quit.
3. Please accept this gift from all of us at Lenscrafters.
2. 'Dancing with the Stars' called, they got your resume.
1. I haven't seen you since the 'Fire Dave Letterman' Rally

Thursday, Aug 20, 2009

#1289

Late Night From 07/24
Part 2

"If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

"The President of the United States spent the week talking about America's most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge police department. Now, if you somehow missed the beginning of this story, let me catch you up. Perhaps the foremost African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Yes, apparently, in America if you're black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house. Except that it was his house." --Bill Maher

"What kind of burglar breaks into a house with luggage? That's what I want to know about. " --Bill Maher

"And the police officer, Officer Crowley ... apparently, he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. And by threatening, of course, he meant he was an educated black man." --Bill Maher

"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher

"President Obama said that the Cambridge police 'acted stupidly' when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, 'stupid.' What he meant was, 'retarded.'" --Bill Maher

"It's comforting to know that the men with the guns and Mace the Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn't it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light." --Bill Maher

"But it's all coming out okay, because Obama today spoke to Officer Crowley on the phone. He said he was a good man, a good policeman, and they could find common ground. Although he did find it strange at the end of their conversation that Crowley demanded to see his birth certificate." --Bill Maher

"More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They're called 'birthers.' They are. The birthers want Obama's election to be invalidated, which, I'm not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big news up in Alaska. Sarah Palin will formally step down as governor on Sunday, leaving us completely unprotected from the Russians." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Palin announced her retirement a couple of weeks ago without exactly saying why. Ordinarily, when you quit a job like this, you give a reason, like, 'I was just caught in a restroom soliciting gay sex,' or, 'I was just caught banging a thousand-dollar hooker,' or, 'I was just caught sneaking to Argentina to have sex with my girlfriend' -- oh, wait, that guy didn't actually resign. But you get the idea." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Aug 21, 2009

#1290

Late Night From 07/27
Part 1

"But there's one other thing the soldiers want you to know [on screen: Palin saying, 'Our new governor has a very nice family, too. So leave his kids alone']. He has a family, does he? Fetch me photos of the Parnell children! I want it all! Orthodontic records, yearbook pictures, schoolyard rumors! I will break them!" --Jon Stewart

[On screen: more Palin, saying, 'Hollywood needs to know we eat, therefore we hunt']. Yeah, Hollywood! All you hypocrites at home, happy to eat your frozen wolf patties without wondering where they come from. Well, guess what? They're shot from airplanes for you!" --Jon Stewart

"It's a poignant evening. Yesterday, Sarah Palin stepped down as Alaska's governor. Yeah, I know. I know. The nation mourned the Alaskan way -- by committing manslaughter in the lower 48 and then fleeing to the Yukon." -Stephen Colbert

"At first, folks, I was devastated. And then I saw the bright side. Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly! In a helicopter, to shoot wolves." -Stephen Colbert

"Palin resigned a year-and-a-half before her term ends because she didn't want Alaska to have a lame-duck governor. Now, she has a book deal presumed to be worth millions. And I cannot wait to read it. I believe on the tenth page, she decides since the book is going to end anyway, to leave the last two hundred pages blank." -Stephen Colbert

"I've always been impressed by Palin's eloquent speeches, but she saved the best for last [on screen: excerpts from Palin's resignation speech]. I was so moved by her farewell speech, that I want to say goodbye to her in the same way I imagine she writes her own speeches [on screen: Stephen pulls out a hunter's cap filled with slips of paper, and reads from them, one-by-one]. Sarah, 'cherished freedoms' ... 'is that' ... 'some may say, and to those some' ...'gas pipeline' ...'to those brave soldiers' ... 'snow machines' ... 'pals around with' ...'Patrick the Starfish'. ... But mostly, Sarah, you will be missed because you are the 'U.S. American' ... of ... 'your choice of toppings.' Truer words were never randomly generated." --Stephen Colbert

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson

"He's all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress." --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose." --Jimmy Fallon

"The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said: 'Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House … O.K., it was Biden. He was playing around again.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Have you guys heard about this? Henry Louis Gates, the Harvard professor who was arrested while trying to get into his own house? Well, to smooth things over, President Obama has invited Gates and the cop, Sergeant Crowley, to the White House for a beer. How cool is that? Obama is handling the situation like two of his bros got in a fight over a girl or something. They'll come over. One beer will lead to two. Two will lead to nine. Next thing you know, everyone will forget they were ever mad at each other. They'll start doing Jaeger shots out of Betsy Ross' thimble. They'll make prank phone calls on the Red Phone. Crowley will pass out. They'll put his hand in warm water and giggle. Then they'll all wake up in the morning with matching tattoos of 'Twilight' star Robert Pattinson. It's such a great idea." --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Aug 22, 2009

#1291

Late Night From 07/27
Part 2

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, 'Keep it down over there!'" --Conan O'Brien

"In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, 'I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.'" --Conan O'Brien

"To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, now here is the big fun over the weekend. Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, stepped down. It was a moving day for Sarah Palin. She went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." --David Letterman

"People say, 'Well, what will the Governor do now?' And I'll tell you. She's going back to her old job as perfume spritzer at Nordstrom." --David Letterman

"Sarah said goodbye, but she's coming back in the fall in the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman

"But I thought her remarks were very thoughtful. In her farewell address, she warned people of the military-industrial complex. Sarah Palin says look out for the military-industrial complex. And she also reminded folks that doughnuts make you hippy." --David Letterman

"And I thought this was only to be expected. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind." --David Letterman

"Now here's the way President Obama likes to do stuff. They had this problem up there at Harvard and the professor, Professor Gates and the cop, the professor, the Officer Crowley, and the professor officer — so there was big trouble. So President Obama says, 'Why don't you guys? Here's what we'll do. Come to the White House. You guys, we'll settle our differences. We'll have a beer. We'll have a beer.' And if it works for those guys he's going to try it with Jon and Kate, and he is going it to try it with the Israelis and Hamas." --David Letterman

"Big beer fest at the White House. And today, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an emergency goodwill mission for pretzels, so that will be good." --David Letterman

"But here it is. You have Crowley and you have Gates. And tempers flared. Case of mistaken identity. You have anger. You have accusations. You have name-calling. Sure, let's add alcohol! Let's go, let's pick it up! Why not?" --David Letterman

"You know what they're saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down." --David Letterman

"But it's too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the 'Thrilla from Wasilla' officially passed the reins of power to her lieutenant governor at a picnic in Fairbanks [on screen: Palin explaining that she's leaving office to avoid a 'lame duck' session]. So that's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom! Pit bulls don't quit and then try to pretend like their quitting is not really quitting because they are quitting!" --Jon Stewart

"By the way, when you have 15 months to go in your first term in office, I don't think that's lame duck status. I think it's just -- you're bored." --Jon Stewart

"Here is another thing you rarely see from pit bulls. Pit bulls almost never invoke our troops' ultimate sacrifice in order to silence critics [on screen: more from Palin's farewell speech. Palin: 'How about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin' things up?']. Did I just get in trouble? Why do I think that Palin's concern for media accuracy is in reference to the Sarah Palin $150,000 wardrobe story and not the Iraq WMD story? 'Cause only one of those stories really has any bearing on American troops." --Jon Stewart

Sunday, Aug 23, 2009

#1292

Late Night From 07/28

"Some people now are saying, this is true, that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called 'Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin resigned the other day, and in her final speech — I don't know if you listened to it — she compared herself to a grizzly bear who will defend its cubs wherever the road may lead. Palin decided to use the grizzly bear metaphor right after she heard it come out of her mouth. Saw it, she liked it, then she shot it." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, of course, everyone knows, has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble, because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens." --Conan O'Brien

"Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." --Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so happy you're here tonight, because, last night, oh my gosh, we had a rough crowd. I couldn't get the Blue Dogs to go along. Oh, you see, I didn't know what that meant either." --David Letterman

"You know about the situation? Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., from Harvard and Sergeant James Crowley, the police officer that cuffed him and tried to drag him out of his house and arrest him. Then later, in a press conference, President Obama said that one of them, I guess the policeman, acted stupidly. Already, there's trouble right there. So here's what the President is going to do. Does it make sense? I don't know. He invited the professor and the cop to come to the White House on Thursday for beer. Alcohol usually cools things off. Have you noticed that? That's where you want to go." --David Letterman

"And Joe Biden's pretty busy. Today he went out to get a keg." --David Letterman

"But everybody at the White House, excited about the kegger. You know who's coming? Well, Dick Cheney will be there. Here's what he's going to do. He'll be playing the organ down in his old dungeon." --David Letterman

"If it goes well, then President Obama is going to invite Governor and Mrs. Sanford to come up and have a beer." --David Letterman

"And then in the spirit of this, I thought it was nice today, Rush Limbaugh called up Professor Gates and Officer Crowley and he invited them over for some OxyContin." --David Letterman

"President Obama's not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here's what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, 'Oh, then go home to Hillary.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley to the White House for a beer this Thursday. It's all part of Obama's new approach to diplomacy, How would they handle this on 'Cheers.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Who watched the season finale of 'The Bachelorette' last night? It came down to a choice between computer consultant Ed and in a surprise twist, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who gets around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There is one thing we know for sure. Barack Obama was not born in the United States, making him constitutionally ineligible to serve as president. You see, I'm a member of the proud 'birther' movement -- made up of decent, old-fashioned Americans who just want to overturn a democratic election. And yesterday, our cause made it all the way to the White House [on screen: WH press sec. Robert Gibbs, asked why the birther issue keeps coming up, tells reporters, 'Because for $15, you can get an Internet address and say whatever you want']. Of course, Gibbs has his own secrets. You can read all about them at my $15 website, RobertGibbsIsTheZodiacKiller.com. That was worth every penny." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Aug 24, 2009

#1293

Late Night From 07/29

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House. Reportedly, Obama is going to serve them Budweiser. And in the spirit of racial harmony, Budweiser is changing its nickname from the 'King of Beers' to the 'Martin Luther King of Beers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Big kegger at the White House tomorrow. Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. will be there and Sergeant James Crowley will be there, coming over for beer. It's going to be a crazy night. There will be karaoke with Tim Geithner." --David Letterman

"I believe it's the first White House kegger, really, since the Bush twins lived there." --David Letterman

"And you know who else is going to be there? Dick Cheney, former Vice President Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney will be there. He's going to go down to his old dudgeon and play the organ." --David Letterman

"Everyone's in kegger spirits. And how can you not be? Hillary Clinton, by the way, is in kegger spirit. She's going to be serving snacks in a skimpy pantsuit." --David Letterman

"They were talking to Hillary about it and she is still interested in running for president. She said running for president is not on her radar, not on her radar. Yeah, but she's still got Bill on LoJack." --David Letterman

"Former Governor Sarah Palin, she's rumored to be interested in a new career as a talk radio host. It's a four-hour show but she'll be gone after two. So, that's -- she says it's part of her deal." --Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, you have to remember, radio host is now the most powerful position in the Republican Party. 'The Morning Drive' on WQU-Betcha. Should be exciting." --Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, tomorrow, President Obama has his big beer summit with Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley. Yeah, that's a great idea. In my experience, the best way to settle an argument between guys from Boston, just add alcohol." --Jimmy Fallon

Tueday, Aug 25, 2009

#1294

Late Night From 07/30
Part 1

"And then things got completely out of hand and everybody took a leak in the Rose Garden." --David Letterman

"Everybody in Washington, DC, helped out to make the big kegger quite a success. And I thought this was nice. To show that there are no hard feelings anywhere, toward the end of the evening, Bill Clinton, former President Bill Clinton, that Bill Clinton, brought over a stripper." --David Letterman

"President Obama held his first beer summit at the White House today. Obama wanted Bud Light, Crowley wanted Blue Moon, Gates wanted a Red Stripe, and Joe Biden wanted whatever fits in his beer helmet." --Jimmy Fallon

"The beer summit was good. But we all know that the best stuff goes down at the after summit." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He's already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn't figure out how to open the door." --Jimmy Fallon

"Pardon me if I slur a little tonight. I have been at the White House, doing beer bongs with the President." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, President Obama had his so-called 'beer summit' at the White House this evening. It was a chance to sit down with Dr. Henry Louis Gates, the Harvard professor who was arrested after breaking into his own house, and Sergeant James Crowley, the policeman who arrested him. And there was one awkward moment, they say, when Crowley asked Obama for some ID, but he was just kidding it turned out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden showed up too. I did not know he was going to be a part of it. I guess they wanted to even things out racially." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But they sat around a table in the Rose Garden, and drank. And I'm starting to think the President cooked this whole thing up because he didn't want to ask Michelle if he could have a poker night or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow morning will heretofore be known as Racial Harmony Hangover Day." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I guess next week, Obama is going sit down with Jon and Kate to see if he can't patch that up too." --Jimmy Kimmel

Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Beer Summit

10. "Don't worry, Biden will clean up the empties"
9. "Guys stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi"
8. "Smoking, drinking. Suddenly our president is Artie Lange"
7. "Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level"
6. "I feel dizzy and confused — just like Bush! Hi-yoo!"
5. "I don't want to freak anybody out, but I just saw Nixon walking down the hall"
4. "Tell Geithner to put his shirt on"
3. "Sen. Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to the men's room"
2. "You guys wanna see where Clinton used to get freaky?"
1. "Excuse me while I take a presidential leak"

Wed., Aug 26, 2009

#1295

Late Night From 07/30
Part 2

"They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Fox commenter Glenn Beck said that President Obama 'has a deep-seated hatred for white people and white culture.' Very controversial. In the President's defense, the White House cited the time Obama had John Tesh over to play Scattergories." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week -- this is weird, I just found out about this -- Shaquille O'Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to someday make a free throw." --Conan O'Brien

"Interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is always talking about healthcare and you got the big healthcare bill and is it going to pass? And nobody knows and everybody is upset about it. We're worried about healthcare. I myself am concerned about healthcare because all week long I have been sick. I go to the doctor and tell him what my symptoms are. And he is conducting an examination and he says, 'I am sorry, Mr. Dave, I have no tongue depressor. Do you mind if I use my pocket comb?'" --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin announced she's leaving as governor of Alaska and everybody said 'Well, what is she going to do?' She wants to host a radio show, like a daily talk show. And of course, with that, she's going to have to tell people when she's winking." --David Letterman

"That's right, another ranting radio host. Cut me a slice of that, will you? Let's go." --David Letterman

"Well, today — I'm so excited about this, and I think we all are — the big kegger down in Washington at the White House. The big beer party. They're having the big beer party to celebrate the last day of finals." --David Letterman

"Here's who's going to be there — Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sergeant James Crowley, meeting with Barack Obama over beers. And I understand we had a spy down there looking in. It went so well that Vice President Biden had to go out twice for ice." --David Letterman

"I wonder if somebody like Bush had invited Saddam Hussein over to the White House, if we could have just settled that whole thing without all the bloodshed and violence." --David Letterman

"But Obama really cut loose at the kegger. He was wearing baggy dad jeans and sipping a Bud Lite." --David Letterman

"Things really went nuts at the kegger and about 8:00, everybody was a little tipsy, and they drunk dialed Ben Bernanke." --David Letterman

Thursday, Aug 27, 2009

#1296

Late Night From 07/31
Part 1

"This is nice, though, President Obama served Professor Gates and Officer Crowley beer and pretzels. Did you know that? Pretzels. Yeah, it's the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush. Remember that one?" --Conan O'Brien

"This is good, though. Last night's meeting went so well, Gates and Crowley plan to meet again. Isn't that nice? ... Yeah. Apparently they'll meet the next time Gates tries to get into his own house. It's a habit now that's hard to break." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. Yep. So far his tweets have been, 'My name's Larry,' 'I like pie' and 'Who moved the toilet?'" --Conan O'Brien

"What a crowd last night. Phew! Couldn't really blame them. The show was awful. It did not go well. Show last night did not go well. Afterwards, I get a call from President Obama, and he said I acted 'stupidly.'" --David Letterman

"Everything's OK now. President Obama has invited myself and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"President Obama -- and the guy's been hardworking. I mean, we don't know if he's getting anything done, but he's sure hardworking. ... And so, he's going on vacation. They're going to be on Martha's Vineyard. They've rented a big beach house on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. I want to tell you something -- nothing says 'vacation' like two weeks on an island with your mother-in-law." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin left office on Sunday. She's just not sitting around. A lot of people are thinking, 'Oh, what's she going to do?' Reality TV show! That's what she's got. 'Todd And Sarah Plus Eight.' Look out, look out." --David Letterman

"No longer governor of Alaska, so whenever she waves at Russia, nobody waves back." --David Letterman

"Last night -- I'm sure you heard -- President Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White House to talk, and more importantly, get stinking drunk together. Vice President Biden was there, too. This is interesting. Apparently, Joe Biden was upset that Obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the Cambridge police acted stupidly, because that's normally his thing." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But they had a beer or two or three or maybe four. And then I guess things really got wild. About 2:30 this morning, Obama declared war on Iceland because he decided it wasn't icy enough." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House is big, and it can be very a confusing place when you're buzzed. Apparently, the president woke up this morning spooning Rahm Emanuel." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't want to say that the president can't hold his liquor, but well, look what happened at his press conference this morning [on screen: a reporter asks Obama a question, and the camera turns to Obama slumped over at the podium, holding a beer bottle, which he drops onto the floor]" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Thank you all for coming to my beer summit. I'm so happy. I read online today that, this morning, President Obama's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. Or as George Bush calls it, 'kickin' ass.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said today that Congress probably won't vote on his health care bill until October. Yeah, what's the rush, Congress? Take your time. It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there or anything like that. Swine!" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Stephen Hawking. Not for his work in physics; just for being the voice that inspired Kanye West" --Jimmy Fallon

Friday, Aug 28, 2009

#1297

Late Night From 07/31
Part 2

"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher

"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher

"And then, when Sonia Sotomayor came out with the guacamole, I said, 'What the hell is going on here?' ... People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra." --Bill Maher

"Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher

"But apparently, it went so well that the professor and Crowley plan to meet again. But not at the White House. It's a little tense there." --Bill Maher

"They want to meet at a place where both men just feel comfortable walking into. Like Gates' house. And if that goes well, then they're going to be paired up on 'Dancing With The Stars.'" --Bill Maher

"Now, interesting, Obama having his problems now with the public. His health care program slipping in the public approval rating." --Bill Maher

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher

"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Aug 29, 2009

#1298

Late Night From 08/03

"This is actually a true story. It was in the news today. The latest slang dictionary reports that the word Obama means 'cool,' as in 'you are so Obama.' Also gaining popularity: the phrase 'shut your Biden-hole.'" --Conan O'Brien

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The man who wrote many of the speeches for President George W. Bush is now working on his memoirs. True story. The book will be called 'Me Do Bad Job.'" --Conan O'Brien

"'The Washington Post is doing a big story on the 2008 John McCain campaign. And it now says after all this research that he picked Sarah Palin because of a 'high risk/high reward strategy.' Apparently, it's the same reason McCain uses Metamucil." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd are denying rumors that they're getting a divorce. When asked about it, Palin said, 'When have you ever known me to not see something through?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, Aug 30, 2009

#1299

Late Night From 08/04

"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he's going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in 'West Side Story.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House today said that President Obama will not call Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to congratulate him on his re-election. Even worse for Ahmadinejad, Joe Biden will call." --Conan O'Brien

"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today -- I don't know if you saw this -- he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel 'Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The United States Postal Service says they might lose $7 billion this year. Apparently, the post office will lose the seven billion when it mails the money to itself." --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I thought this was nice. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, got him a brand new pair of her jeans for his birthday." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But what do you get for the man who has Oprah, you know?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon, and in return, he got twenty pairs of Hillary's pantsuits." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And May God help any nation that tries to kidnap Megan Fox!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"One thing I noticed from the pictures of the trip -- check this out -- here's Kim Jong Il, all right, seated there. And here's Mahmoud-A-Members-Only-Jacket of Iran. The official uniform of the psychopathic leader is the khaki zip-up." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he's probably like, 'Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.' 'I can't do it. I'm completely booked. I have numerous obligations.' 'I want you to visit a woman's prison.' 'What time's my flight?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." --Craig Ferguson

Monday, Aug 31, 2009

#1300

Late Night From 08/05

"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what's amazing is that's the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President Bill Clinton yesterday flew behind North Korea's iron deficiency curtain and secured the release the two journalists. No guns, no bloodshed, just a silk suit, raspy southern charm and, based on personal experience, a hint, just a touch, of P. Diddy's 'Unforgivable.'" --Jon Stewart

"Here is the most Clinton-esque detail of the entire operation [on screen: anchors reporting that the jet was owned by Shangri-La Entertainment]. What? Mr. President, we have to send you to North Korea, but we don't have a plane for you. 'Let me call my friends at Shangri-La Entertainment. They owe me one. They know why.'" --Jon Stewart

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