Jokes of the day

1101 - 1200

Saturday, Jan 24, 2009

#1101

Late Night From 01/15
Part 2

"Bush will leave January 20th. Yes. Will it never get here? Cheney, meanwhile, said, "I'll leave when I damn well feel like it." But that's another story." --David Letterman

"But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." --David Letterman

"I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let's swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it. --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan's sword in today's speech. All that's left is for him to tell the Board of Education about 'Kindergarten Cop,' right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Jan 25, 2009

#1102

Late Night From 01/16

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno


"In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman


"And the other thing is, Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they'd get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he's looking for a dog that's loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes." --David Letterman

Monday, Jan 26, 2009

#1103

Late Night From 01/17

"And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!" --David Letterman

"By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care." --David Letterman

"Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he's ... actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I'm thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer." --David Letterman

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch."  --Jimmy Kimmel


"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're four days away from Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah's life."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Jan 27, 2009

#1104

Late Night From 01/19
Part 1

"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"This is also Dick Cheney's last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon." --Jay Leno

"And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week." --Jay Leno

"Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. " --Jay Leno

"And that was quite a pre-inaugural show they put on in Washington yesterday. Then Barack Obama got up and he told the crowd that 'anything is possible in America' except, of course, the Eagles being in the Super Bowl." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"In less than 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next President. Yeah. Actually, if I were you -- if I were you, I wouldn't cheer. You'd be surprised how much President Bush can screw up in 12 hours. He just launched an attack on the Bahamas, okay?'" --Conan O'Brien

"They're going nuts in Washington, though. The festivities have already begun. Yesterday, in Washington, Barack Obama was on hand -- did you see this? For performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks and John Mellencamp. Yeah. So, folks, it really is a new era for African-Americans. All the music they love." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama's inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, 'Don't worry. This one's on me.' She put down her Amex card made of plutonium." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Jan 28, 2009

#1105

Late Night From 01/19
Part 2

"Earlier tonight, this is nice, Barack Obama hosted a dinner honoring John McCain. You can tell the dinner was to honor John McCain, because it was over by 4:00 P.M." --Conan O'Brien

"At Washington's Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishing have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, 'What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, this is kind of weird, an illustrator from 'The Washington Post' made a sketch of what Barack Obama might look like after the stress of an eight-year presidency. Unfortunately for Obama, he's gonna look a lot like Grady from 'Sanford and Son.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush's last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark, Italy, Russia and South Korea to say, 'thank you.' Yeah, his exact words were, 'thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?" --Craig Ferguson

"I have inauguration fever. 'Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse." --Craig Ferguson

"The whole country has inauguration fever -- at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs." --Craig Ferguson

"Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room." --Craig Ferguson

Thurdsay, Jan 29, 2009

#1106

Late Night From 01/20
Part 1

"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people's tax returns are being audited." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama's swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, I tell you something, it's silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don't know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Vice President Cheney was in a wheelchair at the inauguration. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving boxes yesterday. But I don't know if I believe that. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the reason he's in a wheelchair is because his feet turned back into hooves a day before they were supposed to. That was not as it was agreed upon in the pact." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, the 20th of January, in the year of our lord, 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It was very brave of me to admit that. And you can already feel the change sweeping across this great land as a new era begins. A time of brotherhood when men of different backgrounds and beliefs will come together to marry one another." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, a lot of people thought I didn't want Barack Obama to be president, that is not true. I just didn't want him to be president of America. I thought he could do a great job in Nicaragua. If I am sad, it is only for the Nicaraguans. Lo siento, mis amigos. Lo siento. But this man is now our president, and as an American, I pledge to support him unconditionally, for as long as he remains popular." --Stephen Colbert

"There is one other major figure we would be remiss if we missed. Over the years, we've made our share of jibes at Vice President Dick Cheney's expense, painting him as a ... supervillain, someone out of Dr. Strangelove, but he's more complex than that, he's a human being who is not evil. Oh, are you kidding me? [on screen: Cheney being wheeled out for the festivities in a wheel chair]. A wheelchair? I know you hurt your back, but you might as well get rolled out to the 'Star Wars' imperial march with a white cat in your lap, for God's sakes. A wheelchair? ... That's what happens when you hurt your back when you try and move those man-sized safes by yourself." --Jon Stewart

"And then, things got a little awkward [on screen: the part of Obama's speech where he appears to directly repudiate the policies of the Bush administration]. Barack, he's right behind you! Here is the sad part. You know what Bush is probably thinking during that moment? 'Man, this guy's really sticking it to Clinton!'" --Jon Stewart

Friday, Jan 30, 2009

#1107

Late Night From 01/20
Part 3

"It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming." --Jay Leno

"In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn't that supposed to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law?" --Jay Leno

"And Jill Biden, Vice President Joe Biden's wife, slipped on the Oprah Winfrey show when she said, 'Well, you know, Barack Obama actually offered Joe the vice presidency or Secretary of State.' She said she was glad that Joe Biden chose the vice presidency because he would be home with her more often. See, the Secretary of State is out of the country way too much, so Joe Biden went with the vice presidency. His decision led Bill Clinton to say to Joe, 'I owe you, man!' --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"What an historic day, ladies and gentlemen. The whole country was riveted by Barack Obama's inauguration. Two million people were in Washington to watch it, and then everyone else in the country watched it on TV. Yeah, I don't think America's been this excited since they figured out how to put cheese inside pizza crust." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a true story. Some people alongside Barack Obama's inaugural parade route got bored waiting for it to start. So, did you see this? They started doing the electric slide. Yeah, apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable." --Conan O'Brien

"All the living ex-presidents attended the swearing-in ceremony. But did you see this? Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, apparently, thousands of women yelled, 'That's him, officer!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush's approval rating reached minus 13." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody was using superlatives today to talk about this historic day, all the broadcasters. During NBC's coverage, Brian Williams said that the inauguration is like the Super Bowl. Yeah. The only difference is that the New York Jets had a chance to go to the inauguration." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Jan 31, 2009

#1108

Late Night From 01/21
Part 1

"Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno

"You know, it's really fascinating to watch this peaceful transfer of power. Because we're the envy of the world that we're able to do this. I only hope Conan and I can do it just as peacefully." --Jay Leno

"In fact, John McCain said he was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn't it?" --Jay Leno

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno

"I thought Obama gave a great speech. But I think he may have promised too much, like when he promised to bring the dog from the 'Marley & Me' movie back to life. That seemed over the top to me." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner." --Jay Leno

"Every single TV network was covering the inauguration, except Fox. They're still doing the recount." --Jay Leno

"Now, if you could not afford to go to the inauguration, there's a perfect way to recreate the experience at home. Here's what you do. You play back the tape of Barack and then you put the air conditioner on full blast, then stand in line for six hours waiting to use your own bathroom." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama missed the perfect opportunity to balance the budget today. Did you see those thousands of port-a-potties? Make them pay toilets, we'd have a surplus by tomorrow."

"And it was cold. It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary's inauguration." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Feb 1, 2009

#1109

Late Night From 01/21
Part 2

"Yesterday, at Barack Obama's inauguration, he was sworn in on an old Bible that was used by Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, and the weird part is, Lincoln checked the Bible out of a library. There are $73,000 in late fees." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, this is weird, vendors along the parade route were selling binoculars that they called 'Barackulars.' That's true. And even worse, the ShamWow guy was selling 'ShamWowbamas.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next 'Batman' movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama got his new limousine. It has all the latest technology, although they did take out President Bush's favorite piece of technology, the PlayStation." --Craig Ferguson

"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, while their parents were at the inaugural balls, Sasha and Malia Obama, the kids, had their own little party at the White House. They held a scavenger hunt for them and some other kids. And this is the best thing. At the end of the scavenger hunt, they opened door and in a closet waiting for them were the Jonas Brothers. True. I guess they did the same thing with the Bush twins back in 2000, only it was Motley Crue with a tray of Jell-O shots in the closet." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Turns out, Barack Obama's first act as commander-in-chief was to bungle Chief Justice Roberts' perfectly reasonable attempt to rewrite the oath of office [on screen: Obama taking the oath of office, and stopping when Roberts mixed up the words]. Just say it the way he said it! He is the Justice Chief of the Court Supreme! Well, it turns out, that oath problem was no harmless slip of the tongue [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace saying he's 'not sure' Obama is really the president after messing up the oath of office]. Nation, this could have a huge impact on who Fox News thinks is president." --Stephen Colbert

"We all know what sticklers conservatives are for obeying the Constitution to the letter. With the exception of these letters: [on screen: 'Habeus Corpus' is spelled out on the bottom of the screen]. If, in fact, Barack Obama is not president, who is? Okay, the Constitution says that the president takes office at noon on Inauguration day, oath or no. So, I'm pretty sure that means the presidency goes to whoever was on camera at noon. Jimmy, do we have that? [on screen: a photo of Yo Yo Ma performing on Inauguration Day]. The new president is Yo Yo Ma! Wow. Friend of the show. Now, it is a shame to lose our first African-American president, but it's still pretty darn historic to have the first Asian-American president, and the first vice president who is a cello" --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Feb 2, 2009

#1110

Late Night From 01/21
Part 3

"ABC News reporting that backstage, President Jimmy Carter appeared to snub President Clinton on his way out to the platform. Anybody notice that? Apparently, Carter's upset Clinton rejected his friend request on Facebook." --Jay Leno

"And at the congressional luncheon held after he took office, President Obama asked lawmakers to reflect on what we know is in the hearts of the American people. Turns out, it's grease, fat, and lots of cholesterol." --Jay Leno

"Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn't tell a lie, right?" --Jay Leno

"Treasury secretary nominee Timothy Geithner apologized to Congress today for not paying his taxes. And Wesley Snipes said, 'Why didn't I think of that? Hey, I'm sorry.'' --Jay Leno

"Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a 'careless mistake.' See, remember it was an honest mistake last week, now it's a 'careless mistake.' He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that's great. So the guy who's going to be in charge of the IRS is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"And the show 'Dancing With the Stars' trying to get Cindy McCain on the program. How about that? Not to be outdone, John McCain's been offered a part in the show 'Bones.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, millions of people leaving Washington following Tuesday's inauguration. Actually, so many people are trying to leave that all the Amtrak trains are sold out. So, apparently, Barack Obama can work miracles." --Conan O'Brien

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways."  --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in one of his first official acts as president, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisors to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn't go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Feb 3, 2009

#1111

Late Night From 01/21
Part 3

"And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin's hat." --Jay Leno

"Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to." --Jay Leno

"And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there." --Jay Leno

"No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully." --Jay Leno

"And in his speech yesterday, Barack Obama promised to harness the sun, the wind, and the soil, to which the Amish said, 'Yeah, it's a big change. Yeah, we'll get on that right away. Yeah, Ezekiel and I haven't been doing that.'" --Jay Leno

"The total cost of the inauguration was $170 million. They say this is the most of the expensive celebration since that last AIG retreat on our bailout money." --Jay Leno

"Did you see former Vice President Cheney in the wheelchair? He's fine, nothing to worry about. See, Cheney is very calculating. Apparently, he drove his own car, and he grabbed the wheelchair so he could take a handicap space." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday had the largest gathering of celebrities for any inauguration ever. In fact, there were so many celebrities and politicians together, it broke the old record set by the Betty Ford Clinic." --Jay Leno

"And Michele Obama's inaugural ball gown, which she wore during the first dance -- beautiful gown -- was created by a designer with the last name of Wu, which is a great name for a designer, isn't it? Because when you walk in, people go 'woo!' You know, Wu is so much more fortunate than that other designer, Elliott Eh." --Jay Leno

Wed., Feb 4, 2009

#1112

Late Night From 01/22

"It was announced today they're coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. Listen to this, it's going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel. You don't want to miss this." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"He's really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney's office." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again." --Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in the inaugural parade the other day, he was wearing what the Secret Service called a bullet-resistant suit. Did you see that? The suit was made out of what they call 'bullet resistant material.' You know, here's my question, the man's the president. Spend a couple of bucks, go the extra yard, get the 'bullet proof' suit. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"On President Bush's flight back to Texas on Tuesday, they showed a video of his accomplishments. So, apparently he didn't fly over New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they're going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton's vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She's out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out 'cause of tax issues. The good news, she's still eligible to be treasury secretary." --Jay Leno

"Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It's cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary."

"President Obama's chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. Yeah, so, for now, the National Scooby-Doo Museum remains a distant dream. That's not happening. Bush heard. He was like, 'Rut roh!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Obama had to have the oath of office re-administered by Chief Justice Roberts. You may remember, the first time they did it, it didn't take, because they were both really drunk and screwed it up. Roberts mixed up some of the words, so yesterday, they decided to redo it, just to be safe. And this is why you need to get Regis for this stuff, because Regis doesn't screw things up. If Regis delivered the oath, it would have been absolutely perfect. No?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, Feb 5, 2009

#1113

Late Night From 01/23

"I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back." --Jay Leno

"The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony." --Jay Leno

"You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That's never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel 'The View.'" --Jay Leno

"After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it's gonna be on Verizon." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it's a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They're calling it a 'BarackBerry.' This is true. It doesn't even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama has become known as the first wired president, because of all his high-tech skills. And I think he showed that during the inaugural address, especially when he said, 'By working together, we can turn our enemies into our BFFs." ... Best friends forever." --Jay Leno

"Here's some interesting gossip. The New York Daily News says that Michelle Obama didn't wear her wedding ring to the inaugural balls because it didn't match her outfit. See, women can do that, huh? Imagine a guy trying to get away with that. A guy comes home, he's not wearing his wedding ring. 'Where's your ring?' 'You know, it clashed with my shirt.' Please, please." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid to fill New York's vacant Senate seat. You heard about this? According to some reports, she dropped out because of marital problems. How bad is your marriage when it keeps you from replacing Hillary?" --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It's a wash, pretty much." --Jay Leno

Friday, Feb 6, 2009

#1114

Late Night From 01/26
Part 1

"Cold outside. Lousy cold. Here is how cold it was. It was so cold today that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up while ordering chowder.It was so cold, that thing on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's head went into hibernation." --David Letterman

"By the way, today, Governor Blagojevich is being impeached. Of course, the state of Illinois is already searching for a new crooked politician to take his place." --David Letterman

"Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It's the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate." --David Letterman

"Boy, speaking of John McCain, what a busy week in Washington last week. How about that? Wasn't that crazy? But John McCain had a busy week too. He was at Appleby's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are." --David Letterman

"Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It's known as Rancho Inepto." --David Letterman

"Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president." --David Letterman

"But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint — and they don't want to make trouble — but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman

"But moving out, Dick Cheney hurt his back. Did you hear about this? He was packing up his junk and moving out of his office, and he hurt himself. So apparently, the door did just hit him in the ass on the way out." --David Letterman

"Here's a statistic I learned while watching the inauguration — the White House has 16 bedrooms. And the only president to use each and every one of them was Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"The White House also has three kitchens and the only president to use each and every one of them was Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"The state of New York is now back up to full strength in terms of senators, because we have a brand new senator by the name of Kirsten Gillibrand. She is taking Hillary Clinton's old Senate seat, but the appointment took so long and it got so stupid that the people up there in Albany were actually talking about bringing back Spitzer." --David Letterman

"But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it's a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama said today that the reality of becoming president has set in. So it sounds like the mother-in-law has already moved in." --Jay Leno

"It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman at the inauguration last week was not performed live. Well, a lot people were very upset when they heard about this, especially Ashlee Simpson. She said, 'I could have done that gig.'" --Jay Leno

Saturday, Feb 7, 2009

#1115

Late Night From 01/26
Part 2

"And a lot of inauguration stuff is hitting the stores, including The Cat and Aretha Franklin's Hat, a new children's book that just came out today." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the do-not-fly list." --Jay Leno

"Well, I mean, what'll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don't want them in their state or their district. Other countries don't want them. Although, today, New York City's Yellow Cab Company said, 'Hey, we'll take them.'" --Jay Leno

"I read today President Obama has made very few changes to the Oval Office itself. He's keeping nearly everything President Bush had in there. Same desk, same chair, same pens. Well, sure, the stuff's like brand new. It was hardly ever used." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He's too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country." --Jay Leno

"Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor of Portland, Oregon, is being investigated for having an affair with a teenage male intern. You know, let me ask you. What happened to the good old days in this country, when if a politician wanted gay sex, by golly, he just tapped his foot three times in the men's room?" --Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed poodle. See that's how you know that the French are not fighters, okay? When their leader is attacked by a maniacal poodle." --Jay Leno

"Citigroup just got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. You know, if there's ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay. That's our jet! We should be taking that. They should be on Southwest." --Jay Leno

"And Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got under way today. But he was not there. He didn't go. He went on 'The View' instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity." --Jay Leno

"Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, 'I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I'll tell you about it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Looks like the Obamas have already helped the economy. J. Crew stock has gone up 10%, because First Lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mr. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?" --Conan O'Brien

"Aretha Franklin, who sang at the inaugural, says she's not happy with her performance. She says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Yeah. Yeah, Aretha says she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat." --Conan O'Brien

"This news just came out. When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they apparently showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Yeah, word has it the video got them most of the way through take-off." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate, Kirsten Gillibrand, showed up to their joint press conference sporting a Hillary hairstyle and a nearly identical pantsuit, which explains why Bill Clinton was heard screaming, 'Good Lord, there's two of them!'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America, everybody, but it is a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, whose impeachment began today. It turns out that Blagojevich said he had considered Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That's ridiculous! Oprah's way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate, although she has enough money to buy the seat." --Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Feb 8, 2009

#1116

Late Night From 01/27
Part 1

"It's a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he's doing. Yesterday, he was on 'The View,' the 'Today' show, and 'Good Morning America.' Today, his hair was on 'Animal Planet' and 'Unsolved Mysteries.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Barack Obama's first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they 'unclench their fist,' we will shake their hand. But they're hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sen. John McCain has confirmed that as rumored, his wife Cindy was approached to compete on 'Dancing with the Stars,' but they turned it down. I guess they figured the McCains have lost enough competitions already." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On this week, our one-week anniversary, Obama sat down for a one-on-one interview [on screen: excerpts from Obama's Al Arabiya interview]. Wait a minute. That's not Katie Couric. Oh my God, that's not even Greta Van Susteren. ... So Obama's first interview is on Al Arabiya. What does he have to say to them that he couldn't say on American television? [on screen: Obama saying he has lived in Muslim countries and that he has Muslim family members]. Wait. What? Why haven't we met them? Don't you think they would have enjoyed sharing in the campaign process? Holy crow. That would be like if the first thing John McCain did after winning the presidency was go on the AARP network and let them know that he, too, sometimes forgets where he is. But I get it. He's a bridge between the worlds." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, I'm sure you've all heard the terrible news by now, and seen this disturbing video that surfaced yesterday of on the Al Arabiya television network [on screen: Obama's interview with Al Arabiya]. Only six days into his term, evidently, President Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists. You can tell they're Muslim extremists because they have that squiggly Arab writing down there at the bottom right there [on screen: Colbert pointing to Arabic on the screen during the interview]. ... So, recapping our top story -- I can't believe I'm the one breaking this -- our president has been kidnapped by a terrorist group calling themselves the Al Arabiya television network. Just listen to what these monsters made him say [on screen: Obama saying Iranians are a 'great people.' He also says Americans 'make mistakes' and aren't perfect]. Not been perfect? What are they doing to him? We know none of that is true." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts."
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH."
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don't know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!" a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?

Monday, Feb 9, 2009

#1117

Late Night From 01/27
Part 2

"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that's not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called '30 Rocks.'" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, 'We can't afford distractions' or 'delays.' And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"Oh, last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they're going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre." --Jay Leno

"And on 'Good Morning America,' Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn't give him a car." --Jay Leno

"Cold outside right now. And I'm not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That's causing a frost." --David Letterman

"Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer." --David Letterman

"Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts' office today when he screwed up the words to 'Happy Birthday.'" --David Letterman

"Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, 'Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?' We're going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience." --David Letterman

"But listen to this. They're closing Guantanamo. That's how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That's how bad the economy is. You know it's tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off." --David Letterman

"How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it's fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there's a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move." --David Letterman

"But that's not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney, you've got to give him credit. He's enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey." --David Letterman

"Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass." --David Letterman

"And listen to this. It's an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?" --David Letterman

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as 'an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009

#1118

Late Night From 01/28
Part 1

"And the 'Wall Street Journal' reports that Bill Clinton made $4.7 million last year in speaking fees from foreign countries. And they say this will cause a conflict for Hillary as secretary of state, but Bill has vowed not to cause any problems for her. And believe me, when Bill Clinton makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that a woman recently gave birth to eight babies? And out of force of habit, John Edwards went back into hiding." --Jay Leno

"And a new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than it does to tell the truth. See, that's why political speeches are so long." --Jay Leno

"Hey, there's a new HBO documentary out about Ted Haggard. Remember him? He was the preacher that got caught with the male hooker? Well, this new film focuses on Haggard's relationship with his wife. I believe it's called 'He's Just Not That Into You.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien

"Big snowstorm has hit the northeast, and President Obama actually said this. He said that people in Washington can't handle harsh winter weather like people in Chicago. But, to be fair, Chicago is shielded from the snow and ice by the protective dome of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's hair." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for Al Gore, who went to Washington today to make a speech about the dangers of global warming, which is a bit embarrassing because Washington is in the middle of a huge ice storm right now." --Craig Ferguson

"But Al Gore will convince these lawmakers that global warming's something to be concerned about. Because Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10. I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters.
9. Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
8. Smokebreak!!
7. You fells really need to take it easy on the Old Spice.
6. Mr. President: Don't misunderestimate the Republicans.
5. Another smokebreak!
4. What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?
3. About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?
2. Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences.
1. Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room

Wed., Feb 11, 2009

#1119

Late Night From 01/28
Part 2

"You folks know about this Rod Blagojevich, the governor from Illinois? Well, they're trying to get him out of there because he's a crook. And he was having an impeachment trial, and he said, 'You know what, you kids go and have your little impeachment trial. I'm going to New York City, and I'm going to be on every TV show.' Did you see the guy on TV? He was everywhere. I mean, this guy, he looks like the guy that tells you need new brake pads, you know?" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like an insurance salesman that keeps calling you 'Captain.' 'Hey, Captain.'" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like a guy who backs you up with his aftershave. Whoah!" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like a guy who disappears with your deposit after he takes your contracting contract." --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like the guy who tries to set you up with his wife." --David Letterman

"And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?" --David Letterman

"President Bush, of course, has a place just outside of Crawford, Texas — Rancho Inepto." --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He's reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jay Leno

"And people are still talking about Michelle Obama's inaugural outfit. You know, I saw the designer on one of the cable shows and he said he didn't even know that Michelle was going to wear his design. He said he was watching the inaugural ball on TV and was surprised to see her wearing it. On a related note, the designer of Aretha Franklin's hat said he was also surprised when he saw Aretha wearing his design on her head because he originally designed it as a tote bag." --Jay Leno

"And my favorite politician -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich -- was on the 'Today' show yesterday. And he compared himself to Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Gandhi. Really? You see his hair? I think he's more like Skippy from 'Family Ties.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president. " --Jay Leno

"And freezing cold weather in Washington this week. The roads are so icy, Al Gore almost didn't make it to his global warming speech today." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee the Earth is in grave danger from global warming. But is this the best time to try to convince people that global warming is real, in the middle of a blizzard? He should come back in August when the air conditioner is broken, come out with a panting dog, and then maybe people will listen." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Feb 12, 2009

#1120

Friday, Feb 13, 2009

#1121

Late Night From 01/29
Part 2

"Huge, huge winter storm in some parts of the country. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, they froze out Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich." --Jay Leno

"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno

"But it's not over, because Blagojevich could still go to jail. In fact, he'll be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one, and the one before that, then there were a couple more." --Jay Leno

"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"So now, the lieutenant governor of Illinois will move up and he'll be sworn in. And Blagojevich still doesn't get it. Like when he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, he said, 'You mean for free?'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, 'After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.'" --Jay Leno

"Ooh, it's getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he's not going to 'bend over' and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let's take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who's president, do you think there's any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That's a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees' payroll for a season and a half." --Jay Leno

"And because of the tough economic times, the 'LA Daily News' is no longer sending a sportswriter to cover games played by NBA basketball's LA Clippers. So I guess covering Clipper games falls under Obama's new law banning torture." --Jay Leno

"And former secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, is readjusting to life as a private citizen. God, you think after eight years of tense talks with hostile tyrants, she would have had enough, but no, today, she was on 'The View.'" --Jay Leno

"There's now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today." --Jay Leno

"Cold everywhere. Listen how cold it is. It is so cold out in Illinois, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker." --David Letterman

"On this date in 2002, President Bush, do you remember this, the axis of evil speech? Do you remember his axis of evil? Do you remember what the axis of evil was? Iran, Iraq, Dick Cheney. That was the axis of evil right there." --David Letterman

"Blagojevich was impeached today back there in Springfield. And he spoke in his defense at the impeachment proceedings, spoke for 47 minutes. And it really took its toll on the guy, because afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts." --David Letterman

"Have you taken a good look at this Rod Blagojevich? I mean, he looks like the producer of an adult entertainment awards show. ... Blagojevich looks like your wife's ex-husband. ... Blagojevich looks like the guy at the high school reunion who knows everything about you and you have no idea who he is. ... Blagojevich looks like the guy that goes to a family barbeque and criticizes how you arrange the charcoal. ... Blagojevich looks like a guy who claims to know Jon Lovitz." --David Letterman

Saturday, Feb 14, 2009

#1122

Late Night From 01/30

Happy Valentine's Day

"The Illinois State Legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment, Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above." --Seth Meyers

"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better." --Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, the Republican National Committee selected Michael Steele, an African American, as their new party chairman. You guys know it doesn't work with just any black guy, right?" --Seth Meyers

"Happy TGIF. You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired." --Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich...now out of a job, he's disgraced, he's unpopular. In fact today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'" --Jay Leno

"He said today he loves the people of Illinois more today than he ever has before. And the people of Illinois said, 'You know, we're just not that into you.'" --Jay Leno

"Just a couple of hours ago, the Republican Party elected Michael Steele as the first African-American chairman of the GOP. That shows you, the Republican Party isn't just for stuffy, old white guys anymore. There's plenty of room for stuffy, old black guys, too." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, President Obama having a more relaxed White House dress code than the Bush administration. Though not nearly as relaxed as the Clinton administration." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Feb 15, 2009

#1123

Late Night From 02/02
Part 1

"Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio." --David Letterman

"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl Party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman

"Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." --David Letterman

"President Obama's busy. He's fighting very hard to get his stimulus package passed, and one of the senators resisting President Obama's stimulus package the most is John McCain. John McCain's resisting the package, yeah. Apparently, McCain's biggest problem with the package is that it's not in a larger font." --Conan O'Brien

"I do want to say a quick word to anyone out there who wants to bring change and hope to a deeply divided and suffering America: Pay your f***ing taxes. We're not asking you to be perfect. You want to be in the Cabinet? We're not saying you can't throw a little under the table to the Guatemalan nanny. You're not saying you can't accept a couple thanks-for-your-help fruit baskets from the boys down at Local 238. But Tom Daschle? Obama's pick for Health secretary? [on screen: news report about Daschle's failure to pay $128K in taxes] $128,000 in taxes. That's not $128,000 for a car and driver. That's $128,000 in the taxes on, like, 400,000 of drivers. If you're paying $300,000 to $400,000 for a driver, you're driving too much. What do you wake up in the morning and have to go to the bathroom and go, 'Driver? To the toilet.' That's how much money it would be for Miss Daisy if her driver was actually Morgan Freeman. So Tom Daschle, pay your taxes. And stop having Alfred bring you to work in the Batmobile. It's too much money." --Jon Stewart

"Michael Steele is the new RNC Chairman! ...You know, Republicans, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. He's your voice of change, your Barack Obama. But, you know, it's not as simple as that. I know you want to take his fight to the Democrats. But Michael Steele, he's like, remember when your kid really wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas? But all the stores were sold out, so you went to Chinatown and got him a Giggle-Time All-Mo. Michael Steele is the Republican Party's Giggle-Time All-Mo" --Jon Stewart

 "Nation, we all know that the march toward socialism continues. Last Tuesday, Congress passed the Lilly Ledbetter law, which makes it easier to sue your employer for pay discrimination. No one tell Dianne Feinstein not everyone in Congress gets paid in saltines. Now folks, I say this Ledbetter legislation is unfair. Women are the ones who get discriminated against the most, which means they're going to benefit from this law more than men. That is sexist. Not to mention that many in the business community say '... the measure could ... discourage employers from hiring women.' Exactly. If you can't discriminate against women, what is the point in hiring them? I guess the only reasonable answer is to hire nothing but women and pay them all equally horribly. Well, Obama signed the bill on Thursday, which means I can no longer discriminate legally. From now on, I'm going to have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, because that's where I usually do my harassment. It's going to get very crowded down there." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Feb 16, 2009

#1124

Late Night From 02/02
Part 2

"Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. 'Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.'" --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread." --Jay Leno

"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " --Jay Leno

"There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama's Cabinet who's actually paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn't had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?" --Jay Leno

"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno

"And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, 'That's why I didn't pay them in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Feb 17, 2009

#1125

Late Night From 02/03
Part 1

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno

"And the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at President Obama's inauguration. They want to put the hat on display, and they will take possession of the hat as soon as they can build a new wing to house it. " --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently, the President has a half brother named George Obama, who lives in Kenya, and George Obama was arrested on Saturday for possession of marijuana. He was walking around the village telling people his brother was the President, so they assumed he was high and arrested him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How great is that, though? One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn't a sitcom, I don't know what is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is Africa really the place you want to get the munchies? It isn't." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great day for us here at the show but not a great day for Batman, or as he's known in real life, actor Christian Bale. Bale was all over the Internet today. Have you heard that tape? We can't play it for you, because some of the language is not appropriate for TV. Almost everyone who's heard this tape says it's offensive, but former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich disagreed, calling it 'amateur,' and 'not cussy enough.'" --Craig Ferguson

Wed., Feb 18, 2009

#1126

Late Night From 02/03
Part 2

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that thing on his head doesn't bite me." --David Letterman

"I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools. Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman

"Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. Remember the old days, when politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages. Those days seem pretty sweet now, don't they?" --David Letterman

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"You know what really did Tom Daschle in? It turns out there are now pictures of him partying with Michael Phelps." --Jay Leno

"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno

"You realize Obama would have less tax problems if he had nominated Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes. They actually have better records than most of these people." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Feb 19, 2009

#1127

Late Night From 02/04
Part 1

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno

"Wasn't it just a couple months ago, these people were making fun of Joe the Plumber for not paying his taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno

"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno

"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno

"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Obama announced a salary cap of $500,000 for executives at banks and companies that have received taxpayer bailout money. And you know — it is good. But I'll tell you something, you can tell a lot of these CEOs don't get it. They said, 'Well, that's $500,000 a month, right?'" --Jay Leno

"And Wells Fargo, who got almost $25 billion in bailout money, has canceled a pricey 12-day corporate trip to Las Vegas. And I think they learned their lesson, because they really scaled things back. They're not doing Vegas anymore. Now, it's a one-day pie eating contest in Laughlin." --Jay Leno

"And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets' new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama's crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain." --Jay Leno

"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno

"The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno

Friday, Feb 20, 2009

#1128

Late Night From 02/04
Part 2

"Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are 'sick and tired' of people 'being rewarded for failure.' Is he talking about me?" --David Letterman

"I'm sorry you folks weren't here last night, because you missed a big show. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was here. You know, it's funny. The audience really liked him, but they impeached me." --David Letterman

"But it was fun to have Rod Blagojevich on the program, because for one night, I was not the creepiest guy on the show." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, while you were applauding that joke, another Obama nominee dropped out." --David Letterman

"Have you been following this? Obama has now lost two nominees because of tax trouble. So good luck to the new Health and Human Services nominee, Wesley Snipes." --David Letterman

"Former Senator Tom Daschle from South Dakota had to withdraw because he forgot to pay taxes. You know, I believe the guy because in South Dakota, there are so many distractions." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's out of office, but he's still chomping at the bit. You know what I'm talking about? Daschle embarrasses Obama so today Obama gets a call from Cheney, 'Hey, let me waterboard him.'" --David Letterman

"I was stunned by the Daschle story because we don't expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. No, we expect Democrats to cheat on their wives. That's how this is supposed to go!" --David Letterman

"Nation, last night, President Obama called his handling of the Tom Daschle nomination 'a mistake.' This is great news, because we all know that a president only admits to a mistake at the end of his term. So it is official: The Obama administration is over" --Stephen Colbert

"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to put a salary cap on execs working for companies that take government bailout money. Finally, some accountability in Washington. But I'm thinking if they are going introduce accountability, shouldn't Obama start by making his own people pay their taxes?" --Craig Ferguson

"Obama's cabinet picks must've gone to the Willie Nelson School of Taxpaying.." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has been doing quite a few TV interviews this week, and one of the subjects of discussion has been his smoking. He's trying to quit smoking and made a promise to himself that he would not smoke on the White House grounds. Anderson Cooper last night asked him about that and a bunch of other things [on screen: Cooper asks Obama if he's had a cigarette since going to the White House; Obama says no, while video is edited to make it appear he is lighting up and then smoking roughly half a pack of cigarettes simultaneously]. It's part of his plan to bail out the tobacco industry." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Feb 21, 2009

#1129

Late Night From 02/05

"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno

"It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayers' money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas. The Democrats say the time was used for strategic planning for the country. So, the resorts are being used for strategic planning. Really? Then what is the Capitol building for? Hello?! Hello?! Isn't this work?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about that Rod Blagojevich? You know who I am talking about? The former governor of Illinois was on the program Tuesday. He looks like the guy who would sell you retractable awnings. Blagojevich looks like a guy who runs out of bullets and then throws his gun at Superman." --David Letterman

"Man, here's something chilling. Former Vice President Dick Cheney is now warning that there will be another terrorist attack. He got that information by waterboarding himself." --David Letterman

"Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them." --Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin is back in the news as well. She's been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them 'pathetic.' Apparently she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians, unless the unknown person is running for vice president. Then it's all right." --Craig Ferguson

"It's bad here in California. The unemployment here is the worst it's been in 25 years. Here's how bad the unemployment situation is in Hollywood. Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale." --Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Feb 22, 2009

#1130

Late Night From 02/06

"President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established 'Pants-Free Friday.'" --David Letterman

"They're giving a special Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys this year. The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Aretha Franklin's hat." --David Letterman

"On Friday, the Senate agreed to an economic stimulus package of at least $780 billion, which I know sounds like a lot of money, but, remember, that's in American dollars." --Seth Meyers

"In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm." --Seth Meyers

"After two of his top Cabinet nominees withdrew their bids on Tuesday because of their failure to pay back taxes, President Obama said, 'This was a mistake; I screwed up.' That was your mistake? I don't know if you remember, but the last guy broke the world [on screen: photo of George W. Bush]." --Seth Meyers

"At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo's lions." --Seth Meyers

"Hi everyone, I'm Jimmy. I'm your late-night stimulus package. ... Word out of the Senate tonight is that a deal has been reached on a $780 billion stimulus package. It's said to include a mixture of tax cuts, infrastructure spending, health-care stipends, and ponies for everyone in America." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Feb 23, 2009

#1131

Late Night From 02/07

"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno

"See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you're not performing well, and you're taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?" --Jay Leno

"The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar." --Jay Leno

"People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here's how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm." --David Letterman

"Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club's 133rd Annual Dog Show. As you know, these just aren't regular dogs. These dogs are scrutinized and gone over, literally, with a fine-tooth comb. And they're judged, here's how they're judged: appearance, of course, appearance. Silky coat, silky coat. Firm hindquarters, firm hindquarters. It's also how John McCain chose his running mate." --David Letterman

"So every dog is groomed, blow-dried and flea-dipped. You know, it's the same thing they did to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for the impeachment trial." --David Letterman

Tuesday, Feb 24, 2009

#1132

Late Night From 02/09

"Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it's FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody." --Jay Leno

"Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy." --Jay Leno

"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno

"And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what's happened to John McCain since the election." --Jay Leno

"Last night, right here on CBS, they aired the annual Grammy Awards, and no surprise here, the Grammy for Best Duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat." --David Letterman

"Anybody here in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems." --David Letterman

"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It's sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they'd stay together for the sake of the cat." --Conan O'Brien

"Things are winding down here on the 'Late Night' show. Only 10 shows left, including tonight. A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama's Cabinet owes in back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Feb 25, 2009

#1133

Late Night From 02/10
Part 1

"How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman

"Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson, who has reportedly put on some weight." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. Obama's speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, 'Is he Cuban?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here's how it's going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it's going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn't mean you have to have sex with other dudes." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, Feb 26, 2009

#1134

Late Night From 02/10
Part 2

"Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences." --Jay Leno

"I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he'd go, 'Uh, can I have a hint?'" --Jay Leno

"And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, 'God wants me to serve.' But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?" --Jay Leno

"Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?" --Jay Leno

"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno

"Now it's time for another installment of 'They took away Bush, but, by God, they gave us Joe Biden.' As you know, Barack Obama out there selling this stimulus package. He believes in it. He can change America. Here's Joe Biden talking: (on screen: Biden: 'You know, if we do everything right, we do it with absolute certainty, we stand up there and we make really tough decisions, there's still a 30 percent chance we're gonna get it wrong']. You think Obama's sitting up there going, 'Shut up! Shut up!'?" --Jay Leno

Friday, Feb 27, 2009

#1135

Late Night From 02/11
Part 1

"Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, Governor Sarah Palin, who turned 45 years old today. Hey, I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card in it with $5 from John McCain. After Palin opened her card, she did some shots - two moose and a caribou." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, 'Hey, try it for eight years.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie." --Jay Leno

"The president has been busy with his stimulus plan, selling it. He was in Fort Myers, Florida, he had a big town-hall event where he took questions. And I think it's safe to say that the people at this event were not so-called, 'screened' [on screen: a college student and McDonald's employee, shouting haltingly and incoherently asks Obama about his jobs proposals]. Security! Somebody had too many McFlurries for breakfast. Little-known fact: Obama carried the spastic fast-food-worker vote by a margin of five-to-one. But you have to hand it to the president. He stayed with it and actually had follow-up questions for the guy [on screen: Obama asks the student about his studies and then compliments his communication skills]. Yeah. Isn't that cute? His first public lie." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Feb 28, 2009

#1136

Late Night From 02/11
Part 2

"You know, this Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner? He gave testimony on Capitol Hill today, but it drew lukewarm response. So, Timothy, welcome to the club!" --David Letterman

"I hate to be critical this early into the new administration, but I don't know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary was in charge of buried treasure." --David Letterman

"How about this? It's a good example of how strange things are and how time flies. On this date in 2006, then-Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Tell me again why he's not in jail? How did that work?" --David Letterman

"How about this? A celebrity birthday. Today is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's birthday. I'm not saying how old is, but from her house, she can see 50." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is actually 45 years old today, and just to tell you a little something about me -- Sarah Palin, I think, is the first vice presidential candidate that I have pictured naked. Well, since Lloyd Bentsen." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin had a big birthday celebration up there in Alaska. She celebrated by shooting wolf cubs from a helicopter. Later, she shot the cake." --David Letterman

Sunday, Mar 01, 2009

#1137

Late Night From 02/12

"Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited 'irresolvable conflict.' So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes." --Jay Leno

"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella." --Jay Leno

"I don't know what the deal is, but all of a sudden, we have 40- and 50 mile-an-hour gusts of wind blowing around outside. In fact, it is so windy, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's hair actually moved." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy." --David Letterman

"Don't you have a feeling it's going to be a long time before we have a vice president who shoots a guy in the face? Just doesn't happen that often."  --David Letterman

"John McCain's in the news. This week, Sen. John McCain sent out an e-mail to his supporters announcing that he’s running for re-election in 2010. Yeah. Isn't that incredible? John McCain knows how to use e-mail." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America, everybody, but a very tough day for the President. Another Obama Cabinet pick has withdrawn his name from contention. Obama 's nominees are dropping faster than babies out of that octuplet mother." --Craig Ferguson

"It's Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln's house. That's appropriate because that's about how much a house is worth these days." --Craig Ferguson

Monday, Mar 02, 2009

#1138

Late Night From 02/16

"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno

"Presidents' Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Congress passed the biggest spending bill in US history: $787 billion. The newspapers said today not one politician in Washington has read the bill, to which President Bush said, 'See, nobody reads that stuff! Who says I have no legacy?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno

"After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, 'Don't worry about it. I do it all the time.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more problems with the Democrats. Republicans are now calling for the new Illinois Sen. Roland Burris to resign after he apparently lied to investigators about talking to Rod Blagojevich's brother about campaign money. Rod Blagojevich has a brother? How bad is his hair? Geez!" --Jay Leno

"Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house." --Jay Leno

"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman

"Here's something exciting. Hillary Clinton, our secretary of state, is on her first big round the world trip. She's visiting Asia, including a stop in China, where she is trying to do something about those leaky takeout food cartons." --David Letterman

"Yeah. Hillary is in Asia, Bill is in heaven." --David Letterman

"A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"Marvel Comics has come out with a special edition comic book where Spider-Man and Captain America go back in time to watch Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's true. Yeah, so this story finally answers the question, what would happen if Michael Phelps ran Marvel Comics?" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, of course, a very solemn day in America. We celebrate presidents past by getting a good deal on mattresses and big-screen TVs." --Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, Mar 03, 2009

#1139

Late Night From 02/17
Part 1

"Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington's throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole." --Jay Leno

"No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, 'Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.'" --Jay Leno

"And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, 'Oh, from North to South,' he said, 'From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.' That sounds so much better than, 'From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.'" --Jay Leno

"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something I learned on the Discovery Channel. Researchers say that animals actually plan for the future. And I think it's true. For example, do you know that most animals sold all their stocks at the end of 2006?" --Jay Leno

"And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can't even afford to get it." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. It is in such bad shape that today, three stock brokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts." --Jay Leno

"And California? that's no day at the beach either. Oh, California, I tell you. Today, I saw Governor Schwarzenegger dyeing his hair with an orange Sharpie. 'You godda get da color back in dere.'" --Jay Leno

"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno

"And police in Mexico found a pickup truck with side panels and bumpers that were made entirely of cocaine. Police got suspicious when the guy had a minor fender bender and claimed $2.5 million in damages." --Jay Leno

"You remember Hillary Clinton? She has been married to Bubba for quite a while. Well, she is now the secretary of state, and she is on her first big round the world tour. She is on her big Asian tour. She wants to normalize relations with North Korea. No word yet about normalizing relations with Bill." --David Letterman

"They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine's Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment." --David Letterman

Wed., Mar 04, 2009

#1140

Late Night From 02/17
Part 2

"I want to tell you something. You think it's tough in New York City, California is bankrupt. Yeah, things are so - here's how bad things are California. They've canceled the next three mudslides." --David Letterman

"Meanwhile, while Obama's signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny's, sectioning his grapefruit." --David Letterman

"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson

"According to the 'Financial Times,' Barack Obama, they're saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn't happened since the Clinton Administration." --Craig Ferguson

"I'm very worried about the economy. Hopefully, our problems will be over soon. And I think they will be because today, President Obama finally signed the stimulus bill, which is supposed to create 3.5 million jobs. It'll fund new roads and new bridges. They've even put aside $8 billion for new trains. I smell Vice President Joe Biden. He loves trains." --Craig Ferguson

"Only three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. The rest are withholding their votes so that they can blame Obama if it doesn't work, which is perfectly acceptable. This is what politicians do. But I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' What I think has happened to Obama is this. It is kind of like George W. Bush was in the restroom before him and then came out and went away. And Obama's gone in and he's found something awful there." --Craig Ferguson

"I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson

"We have four shows left, including tonight. It's weird, I was thinking about it today. When we went on the air in 1993, I had no way of knowing that 16 years later we'd have an African-American president. Then again, Barack Obama had no way of knowing that an albino would be taking over 'The Tonight Show.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he's still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10. Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something
9. Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler
8. Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"
7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors
6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits
5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso
4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy
3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products
2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"
1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

Thurdsay, Mar 05, 2009

#1141

Late Night From 02/18
Part 1

"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno

"And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Asia. She is in Japan, or as Bill was heard telling a woman in a bar last night, 'We're separated.'" --Jay Leno

"America's auto makers have asked the government -- remember when America's auto makers flew into Washington in their private jets and said, 'We're busted. We'd like several hundred billion dollars.' Well, they're coming back again. They're asking for $22 billion in additional taxpayer money. I mean, these guys are like the world's most expensive brother-in-law, you know?" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman

"Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She's trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus." --David Letterman

"President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I've got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson

Friday, Mar 06, 2009

#1142

Late Night From 02/19

"President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today -- Canadian geese." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope's blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, 'You know, I can't. They don't really close.' " --Jay Leno

"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno

"Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget. We have a budget in California. The impasse was finally broken when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, we have a budget, so now we Californians can get back to doing what we do best -- buying homes we can't afford and letting murderers go free." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman

"Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman

"There's a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn't know America had any rich people left." --Craig Ferguson

"One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing its secret client list to the IRS Look at the headline: 'Swiss Bank to Reveal Secrets.' The story is in The New York Times so you know it's partially true!" --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Eric Holder, who is our first African-American attorney general, told the Justice Department that when it comes to race, America is a 'nation of cowards.' You know, he's right. I will admit that there are certain things that I would be afraid to say to a black person, like, 'Hey, Queen Latifah, you aren't all that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters

10. How do we improve perfection?
9. Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people.
8. Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.
7. After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, "You betcha!"
6. Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.
5. Korean food again?
4. Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.
3. Get a load of that bodacious booty! (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house).
2. With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide.
1. Hillary's running against me?

Saturday, Mar 07, 2009

#1143

Late Night From 02/20
Part 1

"These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher

"No, but it's hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I'm a presenter this year ... in the category I should have been nominated in. ... No, my money is on 'Slumdog Millionaire,' which is also what I call my broker" --Bill Maher

"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves." --Jay Leno

"The new chairman of the Republican Party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. Yeah. Well, there's already a Republican presence in the urban setting. He's called the landlord. He comes around every month." --Jay Leno

"Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, 'You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They're really fantastic.'" --Jay Leno

"And listen to this. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie 'The Watchmen,' which hasn't even come out yet. They already have it. She bought it on the street. Fantastic." --Jay Leno

"And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?" --Jay Leno

"Archaeologists are going nuts in this town because they found the preserved skeleton of a 10,000-year-old mammoth while digging near the L.A. County Museum of Art. Of course, people all over the world are stunned. L.A. has a museum of art? What? And Larry King is furious. He thought he was the oldest thing in L.A. Apparently not." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Mar 08, 2009

#1144

Late Night From 02/20
Part 2

"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, 'End Times.'" --Bill Maher

"But I've got to tell you people, I'm a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with 'Politically Incorrect' in 1993, moved over here to HBO with 'Real Time' in 2003. In all those years, I've never done a monologue where the president wasn't either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. ... This is challenging, and it hasn't quite set in that Obama is president. I'm still writing 'F**k George Bush' on my checks." --Bill Maher

"Well, he's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher

"Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher

"But what a task this guy has. He's got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing, you know, that hope shit you've got. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie." --Bill Maher

"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 's**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher

"I'll hold my powder to the end, but really, it is a bad sign. I tried to withdraw $60 yesterday, and my ATM said, 'you know, I've got to move some things around.'" --Bill Maher

Monday, Mar 09, 2009

#1145

Late Night From 02/24

"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move 'American Idol' tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that's why it was smart that Obama opened by singing "Living on a Prayer.' Even Simon liked it, it was very well done." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We begin tonight in Washington, where Barack Obama has most likely just finished his address to the nation, no doubt shocking observers with his call for a global Christian crusade. I don't think anybody saw that coming. And he also introduced the poverty relief program that included a plan to, this is interesting, lift the societal taboos on eating adorable animals. He actually ended his speech tonight with the phrase, 'We're coming for you, kittens. And we're bringing the A-1.'" --Jon Stewart

"So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It's Canada. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game." --Jon Stewart

"You're working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals ... and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? [on screen: Obama signing the guestbook in Canada]. Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?" --Jon Stewart

"All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our 'How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,' above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party." --Jon Stewart

"So, while Obama faces many challenges, he himself still presents a challenge to the Republican Party. How will they be able to counter his unique popularity and message of change? Perhaps they'll do it with their new selection for GOP chairman Michael Steele. ... What is it about Steele that's got Republicans so excited? [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying he'll bring 'energy and drive' to the GOP, and Ron Christie saying the fact that he's black is 'a bonus']. What? That is true, I mean, when has being black not been a bonus? But I think they prefer to be called 'bonus Americans.'" --Jon Stewart

"Tonight is President Obama's first address to Congress. I'm TiVo-ing it, don't tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It's all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil." --Stephen Colbert

"What is the matter, Mr. President? Was hope forced to resign due to tax problems? There is good news to report out there [on screen: news reports that Wall Street has 'turned the clock back to 1997']. It's 1997! [on screen: Colbert dances to Hanson's 'Mmm Bop'] Folks, Ross and Rachel are back together. We are desperately keeping our Tamagotchis alive, and we know the stock market still has a couple of primo bubbles ahead of it" --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, Mar 10, 2009

#1146

Late Night From 02/25
Part 1

"So how did Obama do? [on screen: Obama discussing all of the grave problems facing the country right now]. Sobering reality, check. And the hope part? [on screen: Obama talking about the ideas he has to fix the issues facing us]. All right, hope, there you go. Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely... [on screen: Obama pledging to reform healthcare]. Okay, easy there, fella. Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just... [on screen: Obama talking about finding a cure for cancer 'in our time']. What are you, a f***ing wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart

"Now, with Obama's speech still ringing in America's ears, it was time for the Republican response. Luckily, they had just the man for the job ... [on screen: the beginning of Jindal's speech, during which he says 'Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras']. ... Jindal's task was not an easy one. You see, with Barack Obama making a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindal had to tell America why he thought that was a lousy idea [on screen: Jindal bringing up Hurricane Katrina as a reason not to trust more government involvement]. So, because the Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try? What other lessons did Katrina teach you? [on screen: Jindal going after money allocated for use in volcano monitoring]. So, your other lesson from Katrina is, what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters? Who cares about lava? It's like a levee overtopping -- it'll never happen!" --Jon Stewart

"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we're screwed, because those are two things we're not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The State of the Union addresses, they're a funny thing. It's very formal, but the president comes in the room like a boxer. He comes in, he makes his way through the crowd in little satin shorts, and then he takes off his robe and he goes up on the stage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Mar 11, 2009

#1147

Late Night From 02/25
Part 2

"Nation, last night, once again, the political stage was set on fire by a brilliant orator, a man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I'm speaking of, of course, of Bobby Jindal." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, it's clear the Republican Party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, seismology wasn't the only boondoggle Jindal went after [on screen: Jindal talking about the $8 billion to be set aside for a high-speed rail project between Las Vegas and Disneyland]. A magnetic levitation train from Vegas to Disneyland? Actually, that sounds pretty cool. You leave the kids with Cinderella, two hours later you're blowing their college fund on Pai Gow poker, getting bottle service from a 'hostess,' also dressed like Cinderella." --Stephen Colbert

"I say Jindal's speech was a homerun. Jimmy, let's look at the rest of the highlights. Oh, there are none? Okay. All right, well, then, folks, I guess I am forced to talk about the Democratic pre-sponse. No, I didn't hear any of it. I mute all of Obama's speeches, because I like to hear myself yell." --Stephen Colbert

"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart

"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Mar 12, 2009

#1148

Late Night From 02/27

"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

"Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, 'This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.' Well, that's a relief. Just keep that s**tty bank magic going, would you?" --Bill Maher

"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session." --Bill Maher

"Hey, speaking of that, our new attorney general, Eric Holder, said individual states are now going to determine their own marijuana laws, and that the DEA is going to end raids on the California cannabis club. So, ask your doctor if pot is right for you." --Bill Maher

"But the speech. If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher

"It was a powerful speech. Joe Biden said it made the hair that was transplanted from the back of his neck stand up." --Bill Maher

Friday, Mar 13, 2009

#1149

Late Night From 03/02
Part 1

"Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson

"Hey, there's two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians -- and this is the interesting part -- are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually." --Craig Ferguson

"What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the adviser pointed out that the movies he didn't like were '300″ and 'The Wrestler,' which he said were offensive because they portray Iranians in a negative light. But what's offensive about '300″? In that movie, the Persians -- the Iranians -- are sexually ambiguous, oiled-up party boys with abs of steel. I'd pay money to be portrayed like that!" --Craig Ferguson

"Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an 'arts and cinema adviser.' Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?" --Craig Ferguson

"Oh, there are no gays in Iran but you watch 'The Wrestler' and '300″ back-to-back?' The film '300″ could be the gayest movie ever made. There's gay porn that's less gay than '300.'" --Craig Ferguson

"But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I've seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody's apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don't have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?" --Craig Ferguson

"So, to summarize, the Conservative Political Action Conference consisted of the deriding of veterans, open calls for presidential failure, and the annihilation of an American city, all to save the United States from unpatriotic Democrats. Apparently, the only time you have to love this country is when it's controlled by Republicans." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009

#1150

Late Night From 03/02
Part 2

"Well, the Catholic observance of Lent started last week. How many have already given up their 401(k)s?" --Jay Leno

"And after giving AIG $85 billion in September and then another $65 billion, what, in November, they're now asking for another $30 billion. The government says they need to restructure the bailout. Restructure? How about rethink or revoke?" --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the financial columnist Liz Peek, who writes for the 'Wall Street Weekly,' Wall Street is giving President Obama an 'F' for his first month in office. George W. Bush was furious when he heard about this. He said, 'Hey, that's easy to do for one month. You try to maintain that 'F' for eight straight years, okay? Then call me. That's when we'll talk.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, it's being reported that the octomom's home is in danger of foreclosure. Apparently, the family is getting pretty desperate for money. I understand three of her kids are already working for Nike." --Jay Leno

"Well, we got a big snowstorm here in New York City. Whew! I want to tell you, that Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble." --David Letterman

"But the good news is that the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers." --David Letterman

"I had so much snow in the suburbs, you can't see the foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

"They had a lot of snow in Washington, so President Obama's kids stayed home from school and played with Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"How about that President Obama? You know what I'm saying? Let's get some stuff done. And I guess over the weekend he went to a basketball game, went to see the Bulls and the Wizards. And I thought, well, hell, if he'd gone to a Knicks game, he could have played." --David Letterman

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009

#1151

Late Night From 03/02

"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, 'Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about President Obama's new budget? Actually, Obama will explain it all in his next major address, brought to you by China." --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, let's see what's going on in the world. It was this week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded with only a handful of true believers. Just like today." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this past weekend, the Conservative Political Action Conference picked Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in their straw poll to be the next presidential candidate. Yeah. Well, it's kind of interesting. I mean, one is just a pretty face, obsessed with makeup and hair. And the other, of course, is the governor of Alaska." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. And he said that Barack Obama is more analytical than President Bush. Well, there's a shock, huh? I think Tickle Me Elmo is more analytical than President Bush." --Jay Leno

"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, 'Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems." --Jay Leno

"China has announced plans to create their own 24-hour news channel. They said it's going to be like a Chinese CNN, basically. In fact, they've already hired Lou Dobbs to complain about illegal Mongolians sneaking over the border." --Jay Leno

Monday, Mar 16, 2009

#1152

Late Night From 03/03
Part 1

"And Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave the Republican response to President Obama's recent speech to Congress. But Jindal did not get good reviews. I don't know if you saw it. I don't want to say Jindal seemed awkward and off message, but his Secret Service code name is now Joe Biden." -Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news. The Obamas are getting a dog. Yes. The Obamas say they're going to go with a Portuguese water dog. Doesn't that sound like some kind of lame drink a guy would order to impress a woman? 'Bartender, for the lady, white wine, and for me, a Portuguese water dog.'" -Jay Leno

"Well, how much is Rush Limbaugh loving all his recent publicity? He is everywhere now, since he said he wanted Obama's policies to fail. This is the greatest thing to happen to Limbaugh since they started making that center-cut bacon." -Jay Leno

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's going to appear in the new Sylvester Stallone movie. Schwarzenegger wants the world to know he can still act, but I think he proved that when he said, 'I won't raise taxes.'" -Jay Leno

"According to a new study by a Harvard Business School professor, when it comes to online pornography, 8 of the top 10 porn-consuming states voted Republican in 2008. Republicans watch more pornography than Democrats. So, apparently, while they were voting for McCain, they were fantasizing about Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." --David Letterman

"Over in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's buddy, Chemical Ali, has been sentenced to death for a third time. He is so upset that he's fired his lawyers. He got rid of Chemical Jacoby and Chemical Myers. They're gone." --David Letterman

"The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven't seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It

10. His "office" is in the patio section at Wal-Mart.
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates.
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle."
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange.
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow."
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator.
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch.
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent.
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife (CBS, 3/3).

Tuesday, Mar 17, 2009

#1153

Late Night From 03/03
Part 2

"I want to thank you for coming out. It's nice to be inside. It's brutal out there. The Dow is 30 below zero. The economy is not looking good. Everybody's cutting back. I don't know if you heard this, but today, the Jonas Brothers fired Nick."  --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan."  --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent a secret letter to Russia's president last month. In it, he promised that the U.S. would back off deploying a missile defense system if Moscow would stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The Russian president immediately fired back a response, saying, 'I don't understand English.'"  --Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, Meghan McCain, John McCain's daughter, said she's tired of constantly dating guys who are obsessed with how great her father is. Fortunately for her, she already dated all three of them." --Jimmy Fallon

"Nice to see you all here. You're so lucky you live in California, because there was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. In fact, they are calling it the city's biggest snow job since that stimulus package." -Jay Leno

"Talk about the age we live in. I saw this today. They unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. Did you hear about this? What they do, is they put A.I.G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears." -Jay Leno

"A.I.G. announced it lost $61.7 billion in the last quarter. What did we give them, $165 billion in that bailout thing? And they still lost $61.7 billion, which is the biggest loss by any company in U.S. history. To put it into perspective, A.I.G. lost more in December and January than pro basketball's L.A. Clippers.
And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let's hope they don't spend it all on rocks this time." -Jay Leno

"See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we're bailing out the West Bank as well." -Jay Leno

"No. This is what they said. The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the people. All the money will go directly to the people. Why can't we get that deal in this country? Why does it go to the banks?" -Jay Leno

"Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who told Congress the recession might end this year. Unfortunately, Bernanke also said pro football's Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar. So I don't know. He's a little out of there." -Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is not good. Not good at all. Oh, it's bad. In fact, on '24,' Jack Bauer tortured himself for not selling his stock last August.
The economy is so bad, I saw Bill Maher in church praying, and later, I saw Warren Buffett buying lottery tickets." -Jay Leno

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno

"Hey, speaking of that, it is now being reported that former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book. See, it took him a while to sign the book deal, because, like everything else in his life, he was waiting for the highest bidder." -Jay Leno

"No, Blagojevich said plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno

Wed., Mar 18, 2009

#1154

Late Night From 03/04
Part 1

"I don't need to tell you folks, but the economy is so bad right now that over 1,000 Americans have volunteered to become the Obama dog." --David Letterman

"President Obama -- talk about a tough gig, and talk about optimism. The guy is saying it's a good time to buy stocks. So here's what you do. Instead of that latte you buy in the morning, pick yourself up a thousand shares of GM." --David Letterman

"Here's a great story. In New Jersey, somebody bought a lottery ticket and won $212 million. Now, under the new Obama plan, after taxes, that person will have enough money left over to buy another lottery ticket." --David Letterman

"Hey, here's big news. Do you remember Vice President Dick Cheney? Do you remember that guy? And I don't know, in the middle of the second term or something, the P.R. people got together and they said, 'Dick, nobody really knows anything about you.' So he went out and shot his buddy in the face. Do you remember that? Boom! And that was good for about two years for us here. Well, listen to this. Cheney has now been invited to speak at the American Museum of Fly Fishing. After his speech, he's going to demonstrate how to waterboard a trout." --David Letterman

"But you say to yourself, 'What are these guys doing in retirement?' Well, Dick Cheney is keeping busy. Today, as a matter of fact, he hooked up a digital converter box to his pacemaker, so he's ready to go." --David Letterman

"I love this because in one little story, we have what's great about this country and what's weird about this country. A person in Florida calls 911, you know, the emergency number, 911? And here's the emergency -- McDonald's has run out of Chicken McNuggets. This person placed a call three times. I said: 'Rush Limbaugh, please! Get some help.'" --David Letterman

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party. And I'm thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers." --David Letterman

"The Republican Party said it would donate Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardrobe to a needy cause. That's nice, that's nice. They looked around. It turns out the neediest cause is the Republican Party." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has installed his long-time friend Julius Genachowski as chairmen of the FCC I speak for all of the Americans here when I say, we're f**king thrilled to have you, buddy." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil." --Jimmy Fallon

"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon

Thurdsay, Mar 19, 2009

#1155

Late Night From 03/04
Part 2

"Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson

"Hey, there's two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians -- and this is the interesting part -- are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually." --Craig Ferguson

"What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the adviser pointed out that the movies he didn't like were '300″ and 'The Wrestler,' which he said were offensive because they portray Iranians in a negative light. But what's offensive about '300″? In that movie, the Persians -- the Iranians -- are sexually ambiguous, oiled-up party boys with abs of steel. I'd pay money to be portrayed like that!" --Craig Ferguson

"Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an 'arts and cinema adviser.' Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?" --Craig Ferguson

"Oh, there are no gays in Iran but you watch 'The Wrestler' and '300″ back-to-back?' The film '300″ could be the gayest movie ever made. There's gay porn that's less gay than '300.'" --Craig Ferguson

"But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I've seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody's apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don't have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?" --Craig Ferguson

"So, to summarize, the Conservative Political Action Conference consisted of the deriding of veterans, open calls for presidential failure, and the annihilation of an American city, all to save the United States from unpatriotic Democrats. Apparently, the only time you have to love this country is when it's controlled by Republicans." --Jon Stewart

Friday, Mar 20, 2009

#1156

Late Night From 03/05
Part 1

"Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom." -- David Letterman

"Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower." -- David Letterman

"So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, 'Wow! There really hasn't been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.'" -- David Letterman

"Hey, quite, quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. You may have heard about this. Police were called to the White House. Apparently, President Obama was in a meeting with some potential cabinet nominees. Someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright." -- Jay Leno

"I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?" -- Jay Leno

"And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'" -- Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I'm thinking, 'Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?' Have you seen Rush lately?" -- Jay Leno

"And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year, so we've got another year to party. Yeah!" -- Jay Leno

"And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scream that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got a solution for that, okay? It's called the death penalty." -- Jay Leno

"I'll tell you, the economy is in bad shape in this country, but the local economy here in Los Angeles is improving, especially if your name is Manny Ramirez. Yeah. Hear about this? Ramirez signed a two-year, $45 million deal with pro baseball's Los Angeles Dodgers. And Ramirez played hardball for that money. He told the Dodgers that if they did not give him the money he was asking for, he was going to leave and go over to AIG, who has plenty of dough." -- Jay Leno

"You know what famous pet passed way? Socks the cat, who was 9 years old so I guess it was time. But right up until the end, Bill Clinton was still blaming the cat for the fresh scratch marks on his back." -- Jay Leno

Saturday, Mar 21, 2009

#1157

Late Night From 03/05
Part 2

"Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It's great. It's much nicer than the one George Bush used." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson

"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson

"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman

"Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped." -- David Letterman

"But do you know anything about the Dow Jones, ladies and gentlemen? The Dow Jones average went down to 6,000. Do you know what that means? Neither do
I, but it's the first time in 12 years that the Dow has been the same as Rush Limbaugh's cholesterol." -- David Letterman

"As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. I don't want to say Rush is fat but he is a red state." -- David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a debate." -- David Letterman

"You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for $50 billion, and now his lovely wife Ruth was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that. She and her husband say it's not fraud money, it's money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires." -- David Letterman

Sunday, Mar 22, 2009

#1158

Late Night From 03/06

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers

"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers

"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers

"The stock market apparently, cannot find a bottom. ... Auditors say we're probably going to lose General Motors, which is terrible news for the guy who was going to buy one of their cars." -- Bill Maher

"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher

"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher

"I have some exciting news, the Obama family is finally getting their dog! Yeah, they say they're getting a Portuguese Water Dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!" -- Jay Leno

"In a stunning move, Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. Oh, please! There's no way President Obama could do that. He'd have to move up, what, at least five weight classes. You know what Obama should do? He should debate him if Rush goes on a 5K run." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." -- Jay Leno

"Hey, we wanna wish former First Lady Barbara Bush well. She's recovering in the hospital after heart surgery, while the rest of us are caught recovering from her son's presidency." -- Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1923 that the first old-age pensions in America were created. It was based on the idea that as you work, you put a little money in investments so you'd have some saved up for when you retire. How dumb were those people? Could you imagine falling for that today?" -- Jay Leno

Monday, Mar 23, 2009

#1159

Late Night From 03/07

"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad O.J. had to shut down the DNA lab he was using to find the real killers. That's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how bad the stock market is, I saw a kid on spring break today and he was sober." -- Jay Leno

"Well according to National Enquirer, John Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered a love child with his mistress. Is it really a love child? Isn't it more like a 'Hurry up before my wife gets home child?'" -- Jay Leno

"So we lose an hour of sleep. You know that used to bother people, but after losing your house, your car, your 401(k), that's nothing. An hour of sleep? That's nothing." -- Jay Leno

"I hate to talk about the economy. Here's what I used to think: It doesn't make any difference what kind of trouble we're in with the economy as long as you have a good accountant. ... So today, I think I'll pay a surprise visit to my accountant just to check up, see how things are doing. I walk into his office, he's playing Guitar Hero." -- David Letterman

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman

"The economy is so bad, the economy is so terrible out there. In fact, guys are going to the strip club now, they're making it rain with food stamps." -- Jimmy Fallon

"CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you hear this guy? You hear about Gupta? Gupta turned down the Surgeon General job because he was going to have to take a pay cut. You have no idea how much CNN is paying him to keep Larry King alive." -- Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time, don't forget. Spring forward, that's what you do. Yeah, you lose one hour of sleep, but under Obama's tax plan you lose two. He's getting his hands in everything." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, Esquire magazine just released its list of the best dressed men in the world. Barack Obama was number four. Coming in first? Hillary Clinton." -- Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, Mar 24, 2009

#1160

Late Night From 03/09

"Well, this is kind of exciting. There's talk president Barack Obama wants to lift trade restrictions with Cuba, which is great news for anybody here looking to buy a '58 Buick." -- Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic." -- Jay Leno

"And former President George W. Bush says he'll start a national speaking tour soon. You know, as soon as he learns how to speak." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush's restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama today came out against human cloning, but I think he might be a little hasty here because there should be exceptions. For example, let's say Obama can find a nominee who has paid his taxes. Clone that guy." -- Jay Leno

"And politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department of Elder Affairs. They're changing the name to the Department of Aging. Have they thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people will be calling the DOA." -- Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is on the cover of 'Newsweek.' It just came out today. You see, it's got a big thing across it that says, 'ENOUGH!' But is this about politics or dieting?" -- Jay Leno

"And astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes 'AIG-1' and 'AIG-2.'" -- Jay Leno

"How about this satellite they just launched that will look for Earth-like planets in our galaxy that might contain life? They say they're trying to answer the question, 'Is there intelligent life on other planets, and if there is, will they loan us money?'" -- Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, even people who don't like Barack Obama aren't paying their taxes." -- Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, we had the time deal and moved the clocks forward. And because of that, we lost an hour, and I'm thinking well hell, we've lost everything else. Who cares?" -- David Letterman

"A new poll indicates that Americans are now less religious than ever before. But I think people are more religious now because all you have to do is take a look at your 401(k) and you start shouting, 'Oh, God! Oh God!'" -- David Letterman

"Stock market keeps going down and down and down. Today I tipped my cabdriver with 100 shares of GM stock." -- David Letterman

"The New York Stock Exchange, by the way, if you are interested, is now a 99 cent store so get down there and do what you can." -- David Letterman

"They say President Barack Obama's hair is already starting to turn gray. Been in office two months, hair already starting to turn gray. And so today, Alex Rodriguez's cousin injected him with Just for Men." -- David Letterman

"Hey, here's some good news. Congratulations to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il, who was re-elected with 100% of the vote. So things are really starting to look bad for John McCain." -- David Letterman

"A guy in a competitive eating contest died. You know, we're sure going to miss Rush Limbaugh." -- David Letterman

"Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

"North Korean President Kim Jong-il won his re-election with 100% of the vote. Kim says he looks forward to finding common ground with his opponent -- until he kills him." -- Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart, in an interview with David Letterman: "The thing that upsets me the most, honesty, there are three 24-hour financial networks. All their slogans are like, 'We know what's going on on Wall Street.' But then you turn it on during the crisis, and they're like, 'We don't know what's going on!' It'd be like turning on The Weather Channel in a hurricane, and they're just doing this: 'Why am I wet? What's happening to me? And it's so windy! What's going on, I'm scared!' How do you not know?"

Wed., Mar 25, 2009

#1161

Late Night From 03/10

"I'd love to give you some good economic news, but here's what I got. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said that our current economic crisis is as bad as the attack on Pearl Harbor, but still not as bad as the movie 'Pearl Harbor.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile. But North Korea insists that it is just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes, like peacefully bombing South Korea." -- Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain's daughter, Meghan, she wrote yesterday that Ann Coulter is 'offensive,' 'radical,' and 'insulting.' Wow. That is by far the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Ann." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you. As the octo-mom said, 'That was more than I was expecting.' By the way, Rush Limbaugh, as you know, is the new face of the Republican Party. Have you seen this guy? I mean, he looks like he's carrying octuplets." -- David Letterman

"Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy has fallen off a cliff. I said, 'Well, who cares what that margarita guy thinks anyway?'"." -- David Letterman

"President Obama has lifted the 8-year-old ban on stem cell research. But he was emphatic about one point. He said no cloning. No cloning. Except for Scarlett Johansson." -- David Letterman

"Celebrity birthday today. Osama bin Laden turned 52 today, and apparently he's going through a mid-life crisis because he bought himself a bright red 1965 camel." -- David Letterman

"Well, in a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See this is capitalism!" -- Jay Leno

"President Obama is still having a problem filling his cabinet positions. CNN medical expert, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, turned down the job of surgeon general. He was very honest. He said he didn't want to take the big pay cut. In response, Obama said: 'Hey, don't worry about it. After my tax hike, it will work out to be the same money anyway.'" -- Jay Leno

"In North Korea, they're grooming President Kim Jong-il's son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn't always work out the best." -- Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, I saw the C.E.O. of Home Depot looking for work in the parking lot of Home Depot. That's how bad the economy is." -- Jay Leno

"And in real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She's got 14 kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, AIG?" -- Jay Leno

"And 66 percent of Americans think the government should pass laws to fight obesity. Oh, shut up! You know, how about just passing the buffet table, O.K? Try that before we get the government involved." -- Jay Leno

"And a sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it's the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over 10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer." -- Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Mar 26, 2009

#1162

Late Night From 03/11

"Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?" -- Jay Leno

"Well, earlier this week, President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions? That's like Rush Limbaugh going after the donut manufacturers." -- Jay Leno

"There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and $45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." -- Jay Leno

"Here's a sign that the times are a-changin'. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. 'Yeah, you can't have dee boobs here. No more boobs here if dare not real.'" -- Jay Leno

"Hey, you know Osama bin Laden? Well, he celebrated his 52nd birthday recently. Unfortunately, people think he's starting to lose it. For example, earlier today, he walked into a cave and said, 'What did I come in here for?'" -- David Letterman

"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman

"And the Republican Party says they want a big tent. They want to be all-inclusive, they want the big tent, and they're going to make it out of Rush Limbaugh's pants." -- David Letterman

"President Obama created a new White House Council on Women and Girls, which deals with all things related to women. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, 'Why didn't I think of that?'" -- Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama today said he believes that American children should go to school longer, either staying later in the day every day, or longer in the summer, if we want to stay competitive with other countries. The president said we can't stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers, and he is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed. So he's thinking about the future, which is good." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm no fan of Barack Obama. But I have to give the man credit, because today he announced he is ending the abuse of earmarks! Then, to show he means business, he signed an appropriations bill containing nearly 9,000 earmarks. Now, the bill was written months ago, and the president signed it reluctantly. You can tell by looking at his signature [on screen: a fake Obama signature with a sad face in the 'O']. Yes, the president has changed the culture in Washington [on screen: Obama saying 'This piece of legislation must mark an end to the old way of doing business']. Starting tomorrow. Today, suspension bridge playground museums for everyone!" --Stephen Colbert

"You know, we could all use a little pick-me-up these days. Our economy is in tough shape. But while it's hard to be poor, right now it's even harder to have a lot of money. The Obama administration is planning to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans! Now, if you wear a monocle, it probably just popped out of your eye in shock. But don't worry, some of us aren't taking this lying down [on screen: Fox News reports that Obama is 'declaring a war on success']. Exactly! Why should the productive members of society be forced to bail out the deadbeats? If this were an actual boat, they're the ones we'd be eating." --Stephen Colbert 

Friday, Mar 27, 2009

#1163

Late Night From 03/12

"General Motors says they won't need the $2 billion bailout money after all. Apparently they're getting great returns with some guy named Madoff." -- Craig Ferguson

"The judge sent Madoff straight to jail. He said do not pass go, do not collect $200. Although Madoff said, 'I could turn that $200 into $400.'" -- Craig Ferguson

"They may have to put him in a cell that separates him from the general population because this guy is really hated. He's like Osama bin Laden, O.J. Simpson and Rush Limbaugh rolled into one person." -- Craig Ferguson

"Madoff's victims thought they were making nice, safe investments. Now I'm certainly not blaming them, but maybe they should've been tipped off by the guy's name. 'Made-off.' That's like giving your money to a guy called 'Steve Criminal.'" -- Craig Ferguson

"I got kind of a moral dilemma here. Do you think, and be honest about this, do you think it's too soon for me to hit on Bernie Madoff's wife?" -- David Letterman

"Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that's not money they swindled. That's just money they had laying around. That's money they saved by switching to Geico." -- David Letterman

"People are now saying that the recession we're in turning perhaps to a depression is not as bad as the one they went through in 1929. So what we're going through now, not as bad as 1929. And I said hey, come on, give us a chance. We can make it worse." -- David Letterman

"New York state is considering a tax every time you go into a strip club. A $10 tax every time you go into a strip club. For example, in my case, it would be, well, like what's 365 times 10, what would that be?" -- David Letterman

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That's right. That's right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming." -- David Letterman

"I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail." -- David Letterman

"But right about now, Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with her rifle." -- David Letterman

"Right about now, Bernie Madoff hearing the two scariest words of his life. 'Lights out!'" -- Jay Leno

"Well, Bernard Madoff pled guilty today in court for running a Ponzi scheme, was immediately taken to jail. Get this, when he was taken to jail, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. So, you know what that means, guys. In prison, he's available." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno

"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno

"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno

"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno

"The Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that the human body - that human body odor could be used to tell whether people are lying or not. You can smell someone and tell by their odor whether they're lying. You thought you hated your job. O.K.?" -- Jay Leno

"Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to all charges and is now in jail. That's it. It's been a really busy day for him. He got an orange jumpsuit. He met his new cell mate. And he's converted to Islam." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, she broke up with her fiance, Levi Johnston. Yeah. But today they announced they're recording a duet together." -- Jimmy Fallon

"The journalist who threw his shoes at George Bush was convicted on Thursday in an Iraqi court. He was sentenced to three years of non-stop high-fives." -- Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009

#1164

Late Night From 03/13

"Bristol Palin, remember Bristol Palin? Sarah Palin's knocked up daughter? She was going to marry the young hockey player, Levi. Remember Levi? Free Levi, I love Levi. Well, apparently Bristol and Levi broke up. Bristol said she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop Mom from visiting." -- Bill Maher

"Today is the one-year anniversary, it's been one year since former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned. One year! It's just flown by. ... But you gotta give the former governor credit. Here's the deal. At one point, he just decided that he enjoyed whores more than governing, and he would have rendezvous in swanky, classy, expensive hotel suites. Now, that's the difference between Republicans, when Republicans and Democrats have affairs. Democrats, it's always the swanky expensive suite. Republicans, it's always an airport men's room. It's not right." -- David Letterman

"We've got some jokes for you, but heads up, Bernie Madoff swindled the best ones, so it might be a little shaky." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Madoff is in jail. He's in jail. It was a rough first night for Bernie. He was already Ponzi'ed twice." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, Obama is being criticized for trying to solve too many problems at the same time. I'll tell you one thing. This never would have happened if Bush were still president. We wouldn't even be having this conversation." -- Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports in the supermarket magazines that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's 18-year-old daughter, Bristol and her boyfriend, Levi Johnston, who is the father of her baby, have broken up. Which I think means, when you break up like that, you get to be on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" -- Jimmy Kimmel

"This is exciting. On newsstands today, for first time ever, Oprah is sharing the cover of her magazine. There she is with the first lady, Michelle Obama [on screen: a photo of the cover]. The deal is, Oprah shares the cover of the magazine with Michelle, and in exchange, Michelle shares her husband with Oprah. That's that. You do what Oprah says." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"In a speech Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that proposed longer school days and longer school years. 'That's a brilliant idea,' said Katherine, the fifth grader nobody likes." -- Seth Meyers

"President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama 2.0 in bed with Michelle." -- Seth Meyers

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the GOP Can Become More Hip

10. Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.
9. Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.
8. Appoint Michael Phelps chairman in charge of chillaxing.
7. They should totally start a band.
6. Change Rush Limbaugh's name to Spongerush Fatpants.
5. Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.
4. Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.
3. Bring back this guy. video of George Bush dancing
2. How 'bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.
1. Fewer reactionary old white guys

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009

#1165

Late Night From 03/14

"Happy Friday the 13th. Are you worried it's Friday the 13th? Hey, for the last six months, every day has been Friday the 13th. Hey, but good news, the stock market was up for the fourth day in a row. See, I don't know what makes me happier, seeing the stock market going up, or Bernard Madoff going down." -- Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, some sad news. Bristol Palin, you know, the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, and her fiance, Levi Johnston, have broken up. Well, who could have seen that coming? Ironically, you know what happened? She could see him with another girl from her front porch." -- Jay Leno

"So, Bristol is now a single mother, or, as the press calls her, the Uno-Mom." -- Jay Leno

"The president of Kazakhstan has proposed that we take the idea of the Euro one step further. He wants to have a single currency for the whole world. Every economy would be based on the same monetary unit. We're doing that already. It's called oil." -- Jay Leno

"Police in Illinois claim that Gary Skoien, the former chairman of the Cook County Republican Party, was in his children's playroom at one in the morning with two hookers, when his wife walked in, caught him and beat him up with a toy guitar. As always, people are shocked. What, a Chicago politician involved in an illegal activity that didn't involve a bribe? Is that possible?" -- Jay Leno

"Because of the bad economy, they're laying off employees on 'Sesame Street.' It's pretty sad. Elmo is now out on the street letting people tickle him for $5." -- Jay Leno

"Despite soaring unemployment, and record foreclosures, Wall Street rallied this week when the chairman of S**ttyBank said the bank does not need additional government support. Wow! The largest bank in the world can scrape enough money together to pay its bills for the month." -- Bill Maher

"Why do I feel like the quiet scene in the horror movie? You know, just after you found out the noise you heard was the wind, and then you turn around and get the knife in the face." --Bill Maher

"Today is Friday the 13th. You know who is superstitious about Friday the 13th? Republicans. They say the country is having bad luck because we let a black cat in the White House." -- Bill Maher

"China's premiere said, given the current economic conditions, he is worried that his country is holding so much American debt. And he was warning Obama yesterday not to try to weasel out of the trillion dollars that we owe them. So an Asian guy is following the black guy around like he's up to something. Our country has literally turned into a Korean grocery story." -- Bill Maher

"The Federal Reserve says Americans last year lost 11 trillion dollars in household wealth. You know, that is our own stupid, greedy fault for putting the money in banks. If we'd lost it in Las Vegas, they would have at least comped the room." -- Bill Maher

"Michael Steele, the head of the Republican Party, is in very hot water this week, once again, for suggesting that, actually, it is the woman's choice, if she's pregnant, what to do. And also suggesting that homosexuality is something you're born with. Rush Limbaugh attacked him today for being dangerously sane." -- Bill Maher

Monday, Mar 30, 2009

#1166

Late Night From 03/16

"You all ready for March madness? But enough about AIG's big bonuses." --Jay Leno

"Well, you've probably heard of this. The insurance company AIG has done it again. They announced they're giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they're giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company so they can give out bonuses for a job well done. It's very well thought out." --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know what AIG stands for? Anybody know? Adventures In Greed." --Jay Leno

"Here's the best part. They don't have to account for any of this. Now it turns out they gave $35 billion -- not million -- $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?" --Jay Leno

"Boy, you thought St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Let's send him down to Wall Street. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was called before Congress again. Geithner defended himself against criticism, saying he inherited this crisis. In fact, he said when the economy started this downturn he was busy in the private sector cheating on his taxes. He didn't have time." --Jay Leno

"And some sad news. Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's daughter, has broken up with babydaddy Levi Johnston. I was stunned when I heard. I mean, really, if two kids without a decent education and no jobs and a baby can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?" --Jay Leno

"No, Levi told a friend, 'I should have spent more time picking a mate,' which is the same thing John McCain said about Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Justice department said they will no longer use the term 'enemy combatant' when talking about detainees at Guantanamo Bay. The new name will be 'guys who make you nervous when they're on your flight.' --Jay Leno

"Here's a guy that won't go away, that Osama bin Laden. We got another audiotape from bin Laden. Have you heard it? He attacks moderate Arab leaders, he calls for renewed jihad, and he gives his NCAA picks." --David Letterman

"And then on the tape, Osama bin Laden wonders out loud why Jennifer Anniston can't hold on to a guy." --David Letterman

"But bin Laden's new audiotape is such a hit that today, Al Jazeera offered him the 10:00 p.m. time slot." --David Letterman

"It's past midnight. So it's officially St. Patrick's Day, everybody! But here in New York, it's tough. It's tough, with the economy struggling. In fact, the drinks are so expensive, no one can afford to throw up anymore." --Jimmy Fallon

"AIG! Here's the worst part: any money AIG saved on bonuses, they chose to give to their favorite charity, the 'Punch the Children Fund.'" -- Jon Stewart

On Obama announcing he is lifting the ban on stem cell research: "You get a discarded embryo! You get a discarded embryo! Everybody gets a discarded embryo! It is really that easy to be Oprah?" --Jon Stewart

"There are legitimate moral and ethical concerns over the use of embryonic stem cells. Fetus farms, and then you know, there's going to be fetus farm subsidies. But they're never going to the little family fetus farms, it's going to be the agri-fetus farms. All the hippy elitists will be like, I want free range fetuses." --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009

#1167

Late Night From 03/17

"A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left." --Jay Leno

"Hey, a little quiz for you. What is the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money." --Jay Leno

"In his speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about these excessive bonuses. He said the trouble at AIG was caused by recklessness and excessive greed. But here's the problem. The AIG executives thought it was a compliment. They went, 'Oh, thanks, wow.'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, President Obama's so upset that he changed his slogan from, 'Yes we can' to 'oh no you don't!'" --Jay Leno

"The Republicans are on board in this, too. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley told AIG executives -- this is what he actually said -- he said they should either quit or commit suicide. But I think that's plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of quitting?" --Jay Leno

"I like Grassley's idea, but here's my question: where was Congress when everything was falling apart, you know? They're supposed to be looking out for us. Here's a better idea. How about AIG and Congress making a giant suicide pact?" --Jay Leno

"Oh, I love this story. You know Bernard Madoff? Well, lawyers now say they plan to argue that his wife, Ruth, is entitled to keep as much as $69 million in assets. Yeah, please. Even AIG guys are going 'Shut up!'" --Jay Leno

"And the big story for us is that President Barack Obama is coming to the show Thursday night. Very excited about that, but it might be kind of awkward for our second guest that night, Rush Limbaugh." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite story of the week. I just love this story. Police in Illinois claim that Gary Skoien, who is the former chairman of the Cook County Republican Party, was in his childrens' play room at 1:00 a.m. in the morning with two hookers, when his wife walks in, catches him and the wife beats him up with a toy guitar. And she's like a superstar. In fact, women in the neighborhood now call her Guitar Hero." --Jay Leno

"New research out of the University of Virginia says that our mental abilities begin to decline around the age of 27. In fact, by the age of 50, many of us are thinking at a President Bush level." --Jay Leno

"I want to tell you, a beautiful day in New York City. Am I right about that? It was so nice today that AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker." --David Letterman

"You know about this AIG? You folks know what I'm talking about? They've received federal bailout money now three times from the government. And now, after going broke, they're giving bonuses to executives, the same people who wrecked the company. They're getting bonuses for doing a horrible job. Well, hell, I ought to get one of those." --David Letterman

"By the way, while you were laughing, AIG just handed out another $100 million in bonuses." --David Letterman

"Oh, a little health scare for former Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney. She was hospitalized briefly after fainting at home. She's apparently okay. But here's kind of a funny thing that happened. The paramedics arrived, and out of habit they started giving C.P.R. to Dick." --David Letterman

"In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the water in the fountains at the White House today was dyed green, which might be the only green a lot of Americans see this year so enjoy it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning, the President was gifted with a bowl of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It is a tradition, I guess. They do it every year, but what they don't do every year -- and I thought this was a clever idea -- is transplant those shamrocks into the Vice Presidents forehead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They had a big St. Patty's Day Party at the White House tonight with corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. It's an important part of Obama's everybody get drunk and forget about the economy policy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone had a nice time, but I guess things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Apr 01, 2009

#1168

Late Night From 03/18

"President Obama is very upset with AIG. He said the problems at AIG were caused by greed, to which AIG said, 'Well, what do you think the 'G' stands for? Hello!'" --Jay Leno

"AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers' money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year." --Jay Leno

"Well, yesterday, New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo reported that 73 AIG executives were mailed bonus checks of a million dollars or more and 11 of those people don't even work for the company anymore. Imagine that, executives getting bonus checks for a company that lost billions. AIG? Sounds more like NBC, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then doing one of two things — either resign or kill themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed." --Jay Leno

"And the government said they would like to prevent AIG from using taxpayer money to pay themselves these huge bonuses, but there's very little they can do legally. Well, duh, take a page from the Bush/Cheney book and do it illegally. Hey, we all watch '24.' You know how it works. Have Jack Bauer shoot them in the knee. Come on!" --Jay Leno

"Well, the exciting news, President Barack Obama will be on our show tomorrow night. Of course, NBC jumping on every opportunity. They say if the President does well, it could lead to his own series, '30 Barack.'" --Jay Leno

"Reese Witherspoon is on the show tonight. She has a new movie, 'Monsters vs. Aliens.' Now, don't confuse it with a show on CNN. That's 'Lou Dobbs vs. Aliens.'" --Jay Leno

"George Bush is writing a book. No, that's not the joke. It's a serious book about the 12 toughest decisions he made as President. It's called 'The Ten Toughest Decisions I Made As President.' It's a good book. It's a pop-up book."--Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong-il has demanded that North Korea open its first pizzeria. It will have pizza just like the kind we have over here, but their Crazy Bread will actually be crazy."--Jimmy Fallon

"I want to go to Papa Jong's, the new North Korean pizzeria. It is going to be good. The delivery policy at the North Korean pizzeria is a little different. If the pizza is not there in 30 minutes or less, the driver gets executed."--Jimmy Fallon

"In worthless drain on taxpayer money news, insurance giant AIG. is on the hot seat because after they took billions of dollars in bailout money, they gave $165 million out in bonuses to their executives. So now, lawmakers are demanding that they give the money back. The problem, though, is that legally they're entitled to the money so it's a dilemma. But I have an idea I think might satisfy all of us and also adhere to the letter of the law. I say, instead of mailing the bonus checks to their houses, we put rocks on them and we put them at the bottom of an enormous piranha tank. We set it up in the middle of Times Square. You want the money, swim. There it is." --Jimmy Kimmel

On Dick Cheney's TV interviews: "You know, I don't understand this. The guy is vice president for eight years, you barely see a whiff of him. He lives in some subterranean lair, literally has his house removed from Google Earth. Then, when he's no longer accountable to the American people, he's popping up everywhere, can't get him off my TV. He's like the Mario Lopez of doom now." --Jon Stewart

"Speaking of which, he did not disappoint [on screen: Cheney saying that Obama's actions since he took office have made Americans less safe]. I trust you. So, sir, is that based on you reading the intelligence reports? [on screen: Cheney saying he doesn't read the intelligence reports anymore]. Oh, well then, maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-f***-up." --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Apr 02, 2009

#1169

Late Night From 03/19

"We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to N.B.C. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives." --Jay Leno

"What's amazing, though, is that even though the President travels with this huge group of people -- I mean, he's got the staff, Secret Service, presidential aides -- it's still less people than when we have Mariah

"We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to N.B.C. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives." --Jay Leno (Read highlights from Obama's appearance on The Tonight Show)

"What's amazing, though, is that even though the President travels with this huge group of people -- I mean, he's got the staff, Secret Service, presidential aides -- it's still less people than when we have Mariah Carey on." --Jay Leno

"We were also going to have Vice President Joe Biden come out and say a few words, but, you know, it's only an hour show." --Jay Leno

"People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno

"I think it would be cool to be president. You know what I would do if I was president? I would watch the movie 'Air Force One' on Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"And earlier today, the President held a town meeting, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was there. And I thought it was great to see the President reaching out to California's non English-speaking community." --Jay Leno

"Did you see President Obama standing next to Governor Schwarzenegger? Didn't the President look like the head of a company who's introducing its latest cyborg model to the world?" --Jay Leno

"'The Washington Post' reporting that senior executives at AIG whose decisions caused the companies to collapse are long gone and that these bonuses that everybody's complaining about are actually being paid to people who are trying to fix the problem. Okay, here's my thing. Fix the problem, then you get the bonus." --Jay Leno

"AIG says they're trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It's 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad, President Obama flew out here on Southwest." --Jay Leno

"In international news, the president of Madagascar left office after a popular radio host there rallied support against him and will likely take over in a special election. And today, Rush Limbaugh said, 'You can do that?'" --Jay Leno

"Pittsburgh Steelers Chairman Dan Rooney has been named ambassador to Ireland by President Obama. Well, I guess the President said, 'Rooney had all the credentials -- he's Irish and he paid his taxes.'" --Jay Leno

"I don't want to question the President, but is Rooney 'the best choice? I mean, the Steelers have a busy year ahead of them, don't they, right? They're Super Bowl champs, right? They're probably going to be in the playoffs again. Shouldn't the President pick somebody with nothing to do, like the owner of the Detroit Lions?" --Jay Leno

"Big night for the network tonight. Barack Obama became the first sitting president to ever appear on a late night show. He was on 'Leno' tonight. Of course, it doesn't count the time Thomas Jefferson was on 'Larry King.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

"I heard this today, a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released. On the tape, he says he doesn't care what anyone says, he's not giving back his bonus money." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new comic book about Michelle Obama's life will be released this April. In the comic book, the First Lady battles her archenemy, sleeves." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama had a town hall meeting with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately the guy running the teleprompter screwed up and Obama wound up starting his speech by saying, 'I'll be back' and 'Hasta la vista baby.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Apr 03, 2009

#1170

Late Night From 03/20

"We had quite a night last night. We had the president, Barack Obama, on the show. I tell you, the security was unbelievable last night. We had several of those German Shepherds, you know those bomb-sniffing dogs? And I tell you, once they got near the NBC prime-time lineup, they went crazy. Just went nuts." --Jay Leno

"People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans." --Jay Leno

"Senator Chris Dodd -- or 'Chris Dodge,' as they're calling him now -- after first denying it, now admits he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. And coincidentally, he just happened to receive $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What are the odds of that? Man, that's like putting Chris Brown in charge of the battered women's shelter." --Jay Leno

"You know, we own AIG, right? We own 80% of it. And because of all of the outrage over these bonuses, armed guards now have to be placed outside the AIG offices. You know what that means? Not only are we paying the AIG executive bonuses, we are now paying to protect the executives from us. Does that make any sense to anybody?" --Jay Leno

"Now they're talking about selling their office building in Manhattan to raise money. Oh, yeah, this is a great time to get involved in real estate. They'd lose another billion dollars. You know, I have a better idea. Put all the employees inside, put bars on the window, call it a jail and just lock the place up." --Jay Leno

"Today is the first day of spring. Yeah, or, as Al Gore calls it, global warming." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama's appearance on the 'Tonight Show' got huge ratings. So, to promote his upcoming book, President Bush will appear on 'The Biggest Loser.' That should get pretty big ratings, too." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is very busy these days. He was just invited to his 30-year high school reunion in Hawaii. I heard they tracked him down on Facebook. They find you everywhere." --Jimmy Fallon

"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel

"America is pissed at the notorious AIG. Right? Somehow, these guys are the most hated people in America. They're getting death threats. I saw one AIG guy today, he was hiding behind the Octomom." --Bill Maher

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher

"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher

"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done." --Bill Maher

"You saw what happened in San Diego yesterday? There were these two drug dealers the cops were chasing on the freeway, and they started to throw all the money out the window. The cops were not suspicious -- they thought it was Obama's motorcade." --Bill Maher

"The president was in town this week. He spoke at the L.A. County fairgrounds. I tell you, he's still got it. People were sleeping outside all night. They were homeless, but that's not the point. They love him." --Bill Maher

Saturday, Apr 04, 2009

#1171

Vacation time
Check down the list

Sunday, Apr 05, 2009

#1172

Vacation time
Check down the list

Monday, Apr 06, 2009

#1173

Vacation time
Check down the list

Tuesday, Apr 07, 2009

#1174

Vacation time
Check down the list

Wed., Apr 08, 2009

#1175

Vacation time
Check down the list

Thurdsay, Apr 09, 2009

#1176

Vacation time
Check down the list

Friday, Apr 10, 2009

#1177

Vacation time
Check down the list

Saturday, Apr 11, 2009

#1178

Vacation time
Check down the list

Sunday, Apr 12, 2009

#1178

Vacation time
Check down the list

Monday, Apr 13, 2009

#1179

Vacation time
Check down the list

Tuesday, Apr 14, 2009

#1180

Vacation time
Check down the list

Wed., Apr 15, 2009

#1181

Vacation time
Check down the list

Thurdsay, Apr 16, 2009

#1182

Vacation time
Check down the list

Friday, Apr 17, 2009

#1183

Late Night From 03/24

"Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven't paid them yet." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. An AIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." --Jay Leno

"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno

"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno

"The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx's book on communism. A play based on communism. You know, that's where capitalism has been replaced by the government taking over control of all private industries. Or as we call in this country, 'a stimulus package.'"--Jay Leno

"President Obama has now committed $700 million to help beef up U.S. security at the Mexican border. I think most people are pretty surprised by this. 'What? We have security at the Mexican border? When did that start?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic right here in Dodger Stadium. Yeah, they beat Korea 5-3, which is perfect. You have the Japanese playing the Koreans in a city full of Mexicans to determine who's best at America's pastime. I think Lou Dobbs' head is going to explode when he hears this." --Jay Leno "Earlier tonight, President Obama held his second prime time press conference. He spent the first half defending the economy, and the second half defending the decision to interrupt 'American Idol.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama answered questions about how the economy's progressing. And in a nutshell, it's not." --Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Iowa are already receiving phone calls about whether or not they approve of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. They're instructed to press one for 'yes' and two for 'you betcha!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama held a big press conference earlier tonight. He's on TV a lot these days. The only way Obama could get more TV time is if he had eight babies." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's not forget the AIG company. The AIG stands for 'ain't I greedy?' No, they changed the name of the company today to 'AIU' Oh! Okay then. Everything's forgiven.' AIU for 'ain't I unethical?' There you are." --Craig Ferguson

"Shouldn't they change their name to something that will throw people off because they love it? Like, they could change their name to 'Puppies and Moonbeams Inc.' or something." --Craig Ferguson

"AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won't notice." --Craig Ferguson

"Tonight, as far as I know, we have not been pre-empted by the president. He held a news conference tonight on all the channels in primetime to talk about the economy. Apparently, he's unaware that we're trying to pick an 'American Idol.' But I guess his goal is to calm the markets as people are losing jobs and stocks are unstable, banks are in trouble. All reasons why I'm putting all my assets right now in the Octo-mom's womb. I'm projecting I can possibly octuple my investment over the next five months." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Let me tell you a couple things about myself. Last week, I got married. Talk about your March Madness, you know what I'm saying? ... Another success story for eHarmony.com. ... I wanted to get married before my son did. And we went to the courthouse, and the guy says, 'Are you the father of the bride?' ... But if you don't know about this, I married the Octo-mom. We couldn't be happier." --David Letterman

"Michelle Obama -- and I think this is a lovely idea -- she's going to put a garden in the White House, out there where the Rose Garden is. A very nice idea. And she's out there digging it up. She found three of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman

Saturday, Apr 18, 2009

#1184

Late Night From 03/25

"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. And it makes sense because when you think George W. Bush, you think book. Don't you, really?" --David Letterman

"In the book, George W. Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like 'should I heed Al Roker's warnings about Katrina?' That would be one tough decision. 'Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?' That would be another." --David Letterman

"Now here's evidence of actual progress in Iraq. Iraq, as of today, is officially open to tourism. Cut me a slice of that." --David Letterman

"You can tell it's tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops." --David Letterman

"But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they've got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City." --David Letterman

"President Obama went on prime time TV last night and urged the nation to be patient. He said 'American Idol' will be back tomorrow." --Jay Leno

"People were mad that the President preempted 'American Idol.' I mean, halfway into the news conference, fans called in and tried to vote him off." --Jay Leno

"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno

"President Obama also announced a major faith-based program. His budget." --Jay Leno

"No, President Obama also unveiled his new border policy to fight the Mexican drug wars. Interesting. It consists of the feds buying up to 80 percent of all the Mexican cartels. You see, we're going to get all the toxic drugs out of the system. We're going to buy them up. We will be owners of the drug cartels. I'm trying to get something with that joke and it's going nowhere." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia is becoming even more fundamentalist. Clerics now in Saudi Arabia said they want women banned from appearing on television. They don't want women appearing, so apparently they get 'The View' over there, too." --Jay Leno

"And the rumor is there's a film being made about the Monica Lewinsky affair called 'Special Relationship.' The part of Hillary will be played by the beautiful actress Julianne Moore. The part of Monica will be played by Michael Moore." --Jay Leno

"President Obama held his second primetime press conference last night. He said we're seeing definite signs of progress and that a better day will come. And then he stopped and said, 'Sorry, we're talking about the Knicks, right?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In Saudi Arabia, radical clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for fans of the hit comedy, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the first day of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's two-day trip. She spent the day with President Felipe Calderon discussing the drug violence that's been spilling over from Mexico into the United States, and then flew to Cancun to look for Bill. He's been missing." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Work For a Bad Company

10. Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il.
9. If you haven't used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis.
8. They claim an excellent rating from the "Better Bidness Bureau."
7. Only office perk is the free oxygen.
6. Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins.
5. CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica.
4. Blew $40 billion in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar.
3. You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple (sorry, that's a sign you work for the band Bad
Company).
2. Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser.
1. Company gave George W. Bush $7 million for his memoirs

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009

#1185

Late Night From 03/26

"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is everywhere, isn't he? I mean, last week, he was on our show. Sunday night, he was on '60 Minutes.' Tuesday night, he held a prime time press conference. And last night, he was on 'Lost,' trying to sell his economic plan to the people on the island.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama held an online town hall meeting today, the first time a president has ever done that. This would allow anyone online to participate, unless, of course, you have AOL. Then you're screwed." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, he took questions from Internet users. It was interesting. Only three people wanted to know about the economy, only two people asked about Iraq, but 17,000 asked about his 'BFF.'" --Jay Leno

"There was one embarrassing moment. Someone online said to the President, 'I'd like to meet with you sometime and tell you some of my ideas.' It was Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I watched 'Iron Chef' the other night. You know what the secret ingredient was? Government cheese." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, on 'Sesame Street,' they won't even talk about letters 'A,' 'I,' or 'G' anymore." --Jay Leno

"Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It's weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That's odd." --Jimmy Fallon

Monday, Apr 20, 2009

#1186

Late Night From 03/27

"The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, healthcare, energy, massive tax cuts for the rich. I'm not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It's a budget plan without any math in it. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards." --Bill Maher

"Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don't know what a toxic asset means, it's a piece of paper that's worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who sh*ts gold." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher

"People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let's see. A high-profile liberal who won't pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!" --Bill Maher

"North Korea is planning to launch what they're calling a rocket, but what the rest of the world calls a missile. And Hillary had to warn Kim Jong Il today, 'do not fire your missile.' Is it me, or is this a running theme in her life? --Bill Maher

"Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said yesterday that he believes that Osama bin Laden is plotting new attacks against the United States. Obama came up with this theory when he picked up any newspaper from the last eight years." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That's something you never hear before the election. 'Let me tell you, if I'm elected it's going to get a lot worse.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"The postmaster general of the United States said that the post office lost $2.8 billion last year. Here's the worst part, do you know where it got lost? In the mail." --Jay Leno

"In an unusual move for a sitting secretary of state, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood's highest award. In her speech, she revealed her number one recommended method of birth control: Pantsuits." --Jay Leno

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno

"I want to say welcome back to Matt Lauer, our good friend from the 'Today' show. He's back at work. He got injured on Long Island riding his bicycle. He almost hit a deer. He said he was going down the road, saw the deer, and the deer froze. Said the deer had that 'Nancy Pelosi-in-the-headlights' look.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama gave the first official online town hall meeting over the internet. Apparently, there must have been an online mix-up, because two guys from 'Dateline: Predator' showed up with a six pack of Mike's hard lemonade." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009

#1187

Late Night From 03/30

"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno

"According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing. You run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars." --Jay Leno

"Here's the part I find odd. Now, the government didn't ask any of those Wall Street C.E.O.s to quit. Isn't that kind of a double standard? I mean, if you build Cadillacs, you're screwed. But if your chauffeur drives a Cadillac, you're okay. Whew!" --Jay Leno

"And listen to this. I guess they're going to, like, be in the car business. President Obama said the United States government will stand by your car's warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five years." --Jay Leno

"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno

"And Republican Congressman Peter King says he's very upset that Notre Dame, where he went to law school, is giving an honorary degree to President Obama, even though Obama is pro-choice. He said that giving Obama an honorary degree is putting him in an exalted position. Really? Isn't he President of the United States? You think that little certificate from Notre Dame is going to push him right over the top?" --Jay Leno

"I have an announcement to make. This is my last night. The White House has asked me to step down." --David Letterman

"This is crazy. The CEO at General Motors, Rick Wagoner, been there for like 30 years, but President Obama says, 'You're done, pal. Take a seat.' Bounced the guy right out of the job. He'll be replaced now by Jimmy Fallon." --David Letterman

"Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office." --David Letterman

"Now here's a story. A guy in Brazil goes spear fishing, and he accidentally gets shot in his own head with the spear. Well, they operate on the guy. He's unconscious. They pull the spear out and he's going to be fine. And you know the first thing he said when he came to was, 'Well, that's the last time I go spear fishing with Dick Cheney.'" --David Letterman

"We're down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we're down to the last four working banks in America." --Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson

"MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they'll start doing actual news again." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Some guy is selling a video of Joe Biden's daughter snorting cocaine. I'm not really interested in that. I mean, if I want to see video of a rambling, incoherent Biden, I'll just turn on CNN." --Jimmy Fallon

"Biden, however, said he's so angry, he could literally pull his hair plugs out." --Jimmy Fallon

"Environmentalists say this weekend's Earth Hour was a huge success. An estimated 1 billion people plus turned off their lights, TVs, and appliances from 8:30-9:30. What's interesting is that during this hour, NBC's ratings actually went up." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News launched a new editorial website today that is based solely on reporters' opinions, not on the facts of the stories themselves. They're calling the site Fox News." --Jimmy Fallon

Wed., Apr 22, 2009

#1188

Late Night From 03/31
Part 1

"Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno

"Let's see what's going on in Washington, or as they're now calling it, 'Survivor: Detroit!'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, economists have been predicting the U.S. auto industry would be in big trouble. See, that's why I have so many cars. I've been stockpiling. I was smart. I knew this would happen." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don't survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that's great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics." --Jay Leno

"Imagine that, the government in the car business. What's that going to be like? Every time you hit OnStar, you get Joe Biden. 'Hi, Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama also said if you do buy a new car, you will be able to deduct -- that's right, I said deduct -- the sales tax from your income taxes. Or you can just take a job with the White House and not have to pay taxes at all." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is highly unusual for the government to take this kind of action. I mean, the closest the previous administration came to getting involved in the car industry was Bush using jumper cables to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart." --Jay Leno

"President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno

"And you can see all these countries are not as wealthy as they used to be. Like today, the first meeting was held at a Red Roof Inn." --Jay Leno

"The first place President Obama landed was England. And British Prime Minister Gordon Brown told President Obama, 'Make yourself at home.' So Obama fired the head of Rolls Royce and Jaguar. He said, 'Get out.'" --Jay Leno

"See, I feel confident that it'll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he'd go, 'Bingo!'" --Jay Leno

"Now, I don't know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you're not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, 'This is the worst news for smokers ever.' The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn't it, huh? Wasn't that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?" --Jay Leno

"And the number one movie in the country, 'Monsters vs. Aliens,' made over $59 million. Did much better than that other movie, 'Lou Dobbs vs. Aliens.'" --Jay Leno

"I'm so happy you people are here tonight. Thank you very much because last night, you remember those people last night? I don't know if they were dumb, but they were very quiet. I'll tell you, last night, the audience was as quiet as a General Motors showroom." --David Letterman

Thurdsay, Apr 23, 2009

#1189

Late Night From 03/31
Part 2

"You know the big story yesterday? President Obama, he goes to the GM people and he says, 'All right, look, guys, do you want any more dough? You're going to have to get rid of your C.E.O., that Rick Wagoner. Tell him to take a hike and literally take a hike because he's not getting a car out of here.' So he's gone. So he gets dumped. In addition to getting dumped, he receives a $20 million bonus to resign. Let that be a lesson to you other two big carmaker heads." --David Letterman

"But Wagoner needs the $20 million because he got a G.M. car." --David Letterman

"So the United States government is now running General Motors, because if there's anyone who knows anything about streamlining costs, it's the U.S. government, ladies and gentlemen." --David Letterman

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the C.E.O.s of B.M.W. and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

"But you know what he's doing there? It's the G20 summit, in which the 20 major economic powers get together and meet. And sadly, this year, the U.S. just missed the cut." --David Letterman

"But President Obama -- this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday, Al Gore. He turns 61 today. And he ate a giant cake. Then, he remembered it was his birthday, so he ate another giant cake." --Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for President Obama. He's making his first overseas trip. That first trip to Europe is a rite of passage. I wonder if Obama will be staying at hostels, getting a Eurorail pass, and finding passionate love in Paris. Well, I think Obama's trip will be hilarious, like the movie 'European Vacation' with Chevy Chase." --Craig Ferguson

"I'm kidding. Actually, President Obama will get to meet Prince Charles, who is excited, because Obama has ears the same size as his." --Craig Ferguson

"I think Obama will have a great time in London. It's a lovely place. I used to live there. There are 12 million people in London and about 500 teeth." --Craig Ferguson

"Today, Salt Lake International Airport introduced a new X-ray machine at the airport that can see underneath your clothing. Security officials say this is necessary to make sure that no passengers smuggle on their dignity." --Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new tax on tobacco -- 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It's the biggest Federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. Ironic that they would hike taxes on people who cannot hike." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Apr 24, 2009

#1190

Late Night From 04/02

"Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can use that while she's jogging. And she likes it. She said it's so much easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around." --Jay Leno

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, 'Abolish money!' Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills." --Jay Leno

"People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him -- a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth." --Jay Leno

"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno

"Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time." --Jay Leno

"At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China." --Jay Leno

"And things are not going well with this auto bailout. President Obama called from England today to check on the status of it. You know Joe Biden has not sold a single car? Not one car since this whole thing started." --Jay Leno

"How's this for hypocrisy? While Congress has been chastising companies for giving out bonuses, last year, members of Congress gave out over $9 million in bonuses, paid for by the taxpayer, to their staff. But Congress is saying they're not hypocrites because this extra money they give their staff really isn't bonus money. It's hush money. They just call it bonus money for legal reasons." --Jay Leno

"And months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by the prosecution that he's going to be a free man and he gets to keep all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is moving to Alaska." --Jay Leno

"And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno

"And according to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that'll help you fall asleep." --Jay Leno

"The 'Guiding Light,' a soap opera that has been on television and radio for a combination of 72 years, has been cancelled. This is bad news for Mitt Romney, because for years, he played millionaire Carter St. James." --David Letterman

"I'm so happy you people are here, because, I don't know how to explain this, but some nights we get audiences that really create problems. And last night, it wasn't really an audience. It was more like a G20 riot, is what it was." --David Letterman

"President Obama, this guy has got guts. I mean he comes in, and I'll tell you something, I got a lot of respect for the guy, but he doesn't know what he's doing. Nobody knows what they're doing. What an incredible mess! We've never been in a mess like this but thank God, at least he's trying stuff. And a couple of weeks ago, the G.M. C.E.O., Rick Wagoner -- adios, he's gone; fired him. And I don't know. Sometimes you think is Obama going power crazy? For example, today, he fired the C.E.O. of Hot Wheels. What good will that do? Honestly." --David Letterman

"But this is a fascinating story. This C.E.O. at General Motors, largest corporation in the world, most powerful corporation in the world and they said, 'Okay, you know, we'll do business with you guys, but you, take a hike.' But they gave him $20 million to step down. And I'm thinking well, we should have tried that on Bush." --David Letterman

"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, 'Wolverine,' that's coming out this summer? The F.B.I. is investigating it. There's an HD version that was leaked online. As soon as the F.B.I. solves the case, they'll get back to looking for bin Laden." --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, Apr 25, 2009

#1191

Late Night From 04/03

"A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen's back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot." --Jay Leno

"At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. To which Bill said, 'Boy, did they get the wrong number.'" --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama gave a stern warning to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il not to go ahead with their plan to fire test missiles. Pretty stern warning to. He told him, 'Hey, look what happened to the president of General Motors.'" --Jay Leno

"Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on federal corruption charges. Reporters caught up with him while he was at Disney World. He still maintains he did nothing wrong. He made that statement in Fantasy Land." --Jay Leno

"Ladies and gentleman, week three of the Letterman marriage. Thank you! And still no government bailout." --David Letterman

"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton set up a conference call with reporters yesterday, but when they dialed the State Dept., they were accidentally connected to a phone sex line. Which is just another way of saying Bill picked up." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys. I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, I know how I could be happier: if they stopped trying to murder us." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Taliban will no longer require women to wear those burkas while in public. Spring Break! Let's see those ankles!" --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda

10. His name, Mike Jenkins, now goes by Mike Bin Jenkins.
9. Runs inside for cover whenever a satellite flies overhead.
8. His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.
7. If he doesn't like what's for dinner, he throws a shoe at you.
6. On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds."
5. Hides in his room and communicates through randomly-released audiotaped messages.
4. Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah."
3. Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.
2. Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar Mitzvah.
1. Instead of Hannah Montana, he has a crush on Pooja Fallujah.

Sunday, Apr 26, 2009

#1192

Late Night From 04/03
Part 1

"This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers

"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers

"When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom." --Seth Meyers

"And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving." --Seth Meyers

"But if you're looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders, you should check with the State Department and not Sasha and Malia. And while we're at it, Queen, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. Let's try to remember, you're world leaders, not Secret Santas." --Seth Meyers

"New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?" --Seth Meyers

"The pres is in France, where he was hailed as the black Jerry Lewis. He had a town hall meeting there, which a lot of people said was brave. Not for facing the people, but for putting himself in a room full of French people raising their hands." --Bill Maher

" He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher

"Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. The Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen." --Bill Maher

"Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher

"And guess which state joined the gay marriage bandwagon? You'll never guess: Iowa. Iowa's gay population, all two of them, rejoiced. Of course, they'll wake up in the morning and think, 'Oh, s**t, we live in Iowa.'" --Bill Maher

"President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama's campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs." --Jay Leno

Monday, Apr 27, 2009

#1193

Late Night From 04/06

"Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers." --Jay Leno

"Here's some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But Madoff's lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore." --Jay Leno

"And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." --Jay Leno

"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno

"Three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside them. Well, you thought spicy food kept you up all night." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Apr 28, 2009

#1194

Late Night From 04/11

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may have been the first Passover Seder in the White House, and in a sign of the president's popularity, Elijah showed up." --Seth Meyers

"A new comics being published this summer called Barack the Barbarian, featuring the pres in a loincloth. Also featuring the pres in a loincloth, Chris Matthews' daydreams." --Seth Meyers

"The number one threat: President Obama. Now folks, we all know how he greeted Saudi King Abdullah. [on screen: reports of Obama bowing, 'something no other President has done]. Exactly! The president cannot debase himself and our country by bowing in front of the Saudi King. You hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and reorient our entire foreign policy of the last 20 years around securing his oil deposits [on screen: photos of George W. Bush with Abdullah]. As for you, King Abdullah: looking good, keep that gas under two bucks a gallon and you can turn the Lincoln Memorial into a camel stall."--Stephen Colbert

Wed., Apr 29, 2009

#1195

Late Night From 04/13
Part 1

"Oh, I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. You know Fort Knox? Well, they changed their name to cashforgold.com. That is how bad the economy is." --Jay Leno

"They had a big Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. And the kids, as usual, were great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden, that's what they ought to do." --David Letterman

"And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China." --David Letterman

"How about that story, with the pirates off the coast of Somalia? Man, I mean, President Obama, this guy is getting it done, you know. He rounded up the Somali pirates and the Madoffs all in the same year. Looking pretty good." --David Letterman

"It's a great day for America's first family. The Obamas finally got their puppy. Apparently, it took a long time because Obama had to find a dog that's paid all its back taxes." --Craig Ferguson

"Now the new puppy is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Apparently, they call the dog Bo because Michelle's father's nickname is Diddly. So Bo Diddly. It's very complicated. Settling on a name for the President's dog is like having to name one of the octomom's kids." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, reports are saying that the White House staff loved the dog. But the chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, is jealous, because until the puppy arrived, he was the cutest little guy in the White House." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog's poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden's going to be cleaning up." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Bo, that's a great name, although they almost named it after the other dog from the White House, Bill." --Jimmy Fallon

"So the Navy Seal snipers shot three pirates. They shot them at the same time, simultaneously. I mean that is sharp shooting, ladies and gentlemen. Boom, all of them gone. I mean, something like that hasn't really happened since the last Dick Cheney hunting trip." --Jimmy Fallon

"So the good news is the Navy sea captain from the United States was rescued in that action. However, the pirates are still holding the ship comic." --Jimmy Fallon

"The pirates were trying to negotiate but it was a tough deal. They were hoping to be adopted by Madonna." --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you remember when President Obama was President-elect Obama and he said the kids wanted a dog? Well, they've got a dog now. And they are going to be formally introducing the dog. They chose three breeds, but two of them were eliminated because of tax problems." --Jimmy Fallon

"Right now, the dog and Joe Biden are working out who brings in the morning paper. And then they'll make the announcement." --Jimmy Fallon

Thurdsay, Apr 30, 2009

#1196

Late Night From 04/13
Part 2

"Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates' shoulders." --Jay Leno

"I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up." --Jay Leno

"You know, it's interesting, I tell you. We were off last week. And I have to admit when I first heard that a pirate in Africa had grabbed someone hostage, I thought, 'Boy, Madonna is really committed to that adoption.'" --Jay Leno

"And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard's ship." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make the French a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist." --Jay Leno

"No, it's a Portuguese water dog, which sounds like something you order in a bar, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, the hardest thing these days about paper-training a puppy is finding a newspaper that's still in business." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this has become a first family tradition. All the first families have had a dog. The Obamas have Bo, that's the name of the dog. The Bushes had Barney. The Clintons, of course, had Bill." --Jay Leno

"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno

"Well, look at this. I pick up the paper today, and according to a survey on how Americans will spend their tax returns, 48 percent say they'll pay debts, 39 percent will save it, 27 percent will use it for everyday expenses, 11 percent will make a major purchase, and another 11 percent will use it for vacation. OK, that adds up to 136 percent. OK, there's the problem right there!" --Jay Leno

Friday, May 01, 2009

#1197

Late Night From 04/14

"Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots -- boom -- and you're done." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector's attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head." --Jay Leno

"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno

"You know, Portuguese water dogs are very intelligent animals. In fact, some White House Cabinet officials have already taught it how to get out of paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists from the University of Padova, in Italy, announced this week that baby chicks have the ability to do basic arithmetic and can add basic numbers together. You know, it's bad enough our public school kids can't compete with kids in China and Japan. Now we're losing to poultry in Italy? This is bad. We need to get better schools." --Jay Leno

"I'm glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals." --David Letterman

"How about those Navy Seals, though? They rescued Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and guest star Charo." --David Letterman

"And now, there is serious trouble there off the coast of Somalia. Other pirates have vowed to avenge the death of their colleagues. Colleagues? What is this, a rotary club? What is this, a faculty meeting?" --David Letterman

"Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I'll tell you, I'm worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon." --David Letterman

"How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman

"A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn't been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon." --David Letterman

"I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that." --Jimmy Fallon

"General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new report shows that a bag of heroin can be cheaper than a six-pack of beer. That's really good news and bad news for Amy Winehouse." --Jimmy Fallon

"This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What's next? A dragon? Ghosts?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Scott MacIntyre, a blind contestant, was recently voted off 'American Idol.' But he still has an inspirational story. He showed that in this country, even someone who can't see can grow up to finish eighth on 'American Idol,' and who knows, may even become governor of New York if the previous governor gets caught with a hooker." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 02, 2009

#1198

Late Night From 04/15

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." --Jay Leno

"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley --all dependents." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. If you do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years. Yeah, if you go back. If you're looking for a '58 Buick, that's the place to get it." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is going to Mexico tomorrow. He visited Canada a couple weeks ago, then he went throughout Europe, then he went to Iraq, and tomorrow he's going to Mexico. See, this is what happens when your mother-in-law moves in with you. 'Honey, I'm going to be out on the road a couple weeks.'" --Jay Leno

"And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this." --Jay Leno

"You know what you call a bunch of lawyers sitting around out of work doing nothing? Congress!" --Jay Leno

"In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something that caught my attention as I was leafing through the paper this morning. NBC is making a reality show starring former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. This is the same network that didn't want me." --David Letterman

"And the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, is going to outlaw cab drivers talking on cell phones. And are you like me? Do you hate it when you are in a taxicab and the driver is twittering the Taliban? Awful." --David Letterman

"I heard this coming out here a few minutes ago. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh's dog said it hopes that Obama's dog fails." --David Letterman

"But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs." --David Letterman

"And you know they have Bo wearing one of those electronic collars. If he strays beyond the perimeter of the White House grounds he gets a little buzz. That's to make sure he doesn't -- no, wait a minute, that's Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"Well, hey, it's tax day today. It's tax day. It's Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don't get yours down in time, don't worry about it. The good news is, you may be on your way to an Obama cabinet position. So that's good. Congratulations. Good luck." --Jimmy Fallon

"This whole pirate situation is getting out of control, right? Just can't stop thinking about it. Two more attacks yesterday. I mean, I don't understand how it works. Apparently, they pull up to the ship, they fire some shots, scare everyone off, then they climb up the side, then I guess they copy and distribute DVD's. Is that what they do?" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea part is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?" --Jon Stewart, on the tea party protests

Top of page