Jokes of the day

1001 - 1100

Thurdsay, Oct 16, 2008

#1001

Late Night From 10/06

"By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." --David Letterman

"John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here." --David Letterman

"And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!" --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad." --Jay Leno

During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She'd kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it'd be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke." --Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions." --Jay Leno

"And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard." --Jay Leno

"Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in. And in Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, 'You can do that? Where's Katie Couric?'" --Jay Leno

"Big announcement today. John McCain's campaign, I don't know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won't try to compete for votes there. That's the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain's strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He's going to campaign by horseback" --Conan O'Brien

[On screen: Palin during the VP debate, saying she 'may not answer the questions' the way people want]. "You know, the she-Bush is right. It's not about what you want to know. It's about what I want to say. Let's get to it. Biden, Palin, each candidate had a recipe for success [on screen: pundits saying Biden had to behave like a gentleman during the debate]. Give the woman you're debating special treatment to avoid appearing sexist. Okay. And what would Governor Palin have to do? [on screen: CNN's Jeff Toobin saying Palin has to prove she can 'simply speak in a normal English sentence']. So, to be successful, her standard tonight was the same as a roadside sobriety test." --Jon Stewart

Friday, Oct 17, 2008

#1002

Late Night From 10/07

"Did you folks see the second presidential debate? ... Yeah, but the debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain said to Barack Obama, 'May I call you Joe?'" --David Letterman

"But this was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice." --David Letterman

"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman

"But this presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think, according to Sarah Palin, that borders Iraq. I'm not sure." --David Letterman

"Tonight's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? 'I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone.'" --Jay Leno

"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has won the 'Family Circle' magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope. In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in." --Jay Leno

"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno

"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'" --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Oct 18, 2008

#1003

Late Night From 10/08

"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman

"I kind of got a chuckle out of this. Tom Brokaw was the moderator of the debate, and at one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they're going to now answer questions that came in over the Internet. And you know what McCain said? 'Tom, is that the same as a telegraph?'" --David Letterman

"But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can't find his Buick." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, 'Well, Sarah, why? I'm sorry, Miss Alaska -- why didn't you watch the debate?' And she said, 'Well, I'm busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'" --David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, "What? Like I'm supposed to remember everybody's name now?" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, because of all the international focus on the election, last night's debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America, or, as Sarah Palin calls them, Russia." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno

"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno

"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno

"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno

"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Oct 19, 2008

#1004

Late Night From 10/09

"Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky."  --David Letterman

"Did you folks see the debate the other night. At one point, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later, the thought maybe that something had gone haywire, he apologized. He said he got confused; he thought he was at the bakery."  --David Letterman

"But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch."  --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin. We like Sarah Palin, right? She's a lot of fun? Miss Alaska. Now she is saying that she doesn't know who Barack Obama really is, doesn't know who Barack Obama really is. Well, that's interesting, because she also doesn't know who Sarkozy is, Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chávez, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, the list goes on and on."  --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over."  --David Letterman

"Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting." --David Letterman

"As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government's new $700 billion plan, saying, 'It's going to take a while.' Of the course the good news is, he's never been right." --Seth Meyers

"McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after Bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph maybe, e-mail no." --Jay Leno

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

"'W.' hits the theaters October 17th, the movie about the Bush administration, did you know about this movie? You know, the stock market's collapse, homes are being foreclosed on, unemployment's at an all-time high. Wait until Halloween; release it as a horror movie." --Jay Leno

"This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office." --Conan O'Brien

Monday, Oct 20, 2008

#1005

Late Night From 10/10

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher

"Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don't worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout." --Bill Maher

"The other big story, of course, this week is how nasty and angry the crowds are getting at the McCain and Palin rallies, especially when Palin speaks. Now, to be fair, a lot of these fans of hers that are at these rallies have lost everything in the economic crisis: their mobile home, their waterbed, their meth lab." --Bill Maher

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher

"The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence." --Bill Maher

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." --Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno

"Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"Another kind of awkward moment today for John McCain on the campaign trail, another one of those town-hall-style campaign stops he likes to do. I guess a senior citizen asked 'What's the fastest relief, you know, for older people?' And McCain said, 'I like Imodium.'" --Jay Leno

"I'll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It's now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We're now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don't they sound like the kinds of numbers you'd use when you argue with your friends?" --Jay Leno

"I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'" --Jay Leno

"All these countries are going to get together and brainstorm. So I guess that pretty much leaves President Bush out of the picture." --Jay Leno

"Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president."  --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008

#1006

Late Night From 10/13

"You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno

"Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno

"Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?" --Jay Leno

"And the finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. I thought this was nice. While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved." --Jay Leno

"You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, 'I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq.'" --Jay Leno

"You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish." --David Letterman

"The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working." --David Letterman

"But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu." --David Letterman

"Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office." --David Letterman

"Newsweek magazine's being criticized, because last week's cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Oct 22, 2008

#1007

Late Night From 10/14

"Yesterday at the White House -- you know, George Bush is still our President for a couple of more months -- and yesterday down in Washington in the White House, he met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi, but Bush kept calling him Boy-R-Dee. It was awful." --David Letterman

"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman

"President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno

"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno

"Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So far, more than 10,000 acres have been burned. Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared. Or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an eclair. It's hard to tell. It's times like these when we think twice about electing a former bodybuilder from the black forest. Last time we had a big fire - he tried to slather it with baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, Oct 23, 2008

#1008

Late Night From 10/15

"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses." --David Letterman

"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman

"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she? And she was at the debate, and she was blinking McCain's answers in code." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out." --Conan O'Brien

"Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first, he wasn't sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code." --Jay Leno

"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno

"But I personally [am] not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames." --Stephen

Friday, Oct 24, 2008

#1009

Late Night From 10/16
Part 1

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human." --Jay Leno

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there." --Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions." --Conan O'Brien

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

Saturday, Oct 25, 2008

#1010

Late Night From 10/16
Part 2

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show." --David Letterman

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull." --David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back." --Stephen Colbert, on the presidential debate

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Joe the Plumber's Answering Machine

10. Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?
9. Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?
8. Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy.
7. Dude -- did you get to meet Fannie Mae?
6. This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?
5. You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager.
4. This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench.
3. Joe, you gotta get a copy of this Late Show Fun Facts book -- it's hilarious!
2. It's Brian from the Late Show, are you available tonight if McCain cancels?
1. It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?

Sunday, Oct 26, 2008

#1011

Late Night From 10/17

"Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words 'Joe the plumber' 15 times in the debate the other night. I have seen guys less obsessed with the plumber when they thought he was f*cking their wife."  --Bill Maher

"But apparently this is John McCain's hail mary. You know, he had to do something, because he was way behind, and this was it. Bringing out this 'every man.' This Joe the plumber, who apparently was on the verge of owning his own plumbing business, which would then be taxed by Obama, and prevent Joe from, as McCain said, living the American dream. Oh yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank, pinch me!"  --Bill Maher

"And then today we found out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'"  --Bill Maher

"The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!"  --Bill Maher

"I tell you, he did not help himself in the debate on Wednesday night, did you see this? Especially with women when he implied that women who get abortions when their life is in danger, are faking it. Did you see that? He literally made air quotes around the phrase 'health of the mother.' Which struck a lot of people as something an 'asshole' would do. Nice 'campaign' you're running there, Mr. 'Maverick.'"  --Bill Maher

"But he did have one big moment when he said, 'Senator Obama, I am not President Bush.' My running mate is."  --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is going on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow. She said she's a little nervous, she's never acted before. And they told her, please, you'll be fine. It's a lot like lying."  --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Sarah Palin. I have a special affection for the insufferable. Today, she was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the 'pro-America' parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn't be there because he's a secessionist."  --Bill Maher

"Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you're insulted. She said, 'We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.' And if that's not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn't even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she's going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don't: a lot of voters." --Bill Maher

"Maybe you saw the debate on Wednesday night, and McCain unveiled his new personality. He's got a new personality. The new personality is fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, the next one is going to be tyrannical sea captain. ... And if that doesn't work, fun-loving goucho. And if that doesn't work, ex-patriot saloon owner."  --David Letterman

"Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

Monday, Oct 27, 2008

#1012

Late Night From 10/18

"Sarah Palin remains very popular. ... Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space" --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated." --Conan O'Brien

"Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That's the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They say Sarah Palin's going to appear on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She's been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That's a good idea. Just what she needs -- to read less." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'" -Jay Leno

"Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, 'Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.'" -Jay Leno

"You know why I think Republicans are so obsessed with this Joe the plumber? I think they're relieved to be able to talk about a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and it's not Senator Larry Craig." -Jay Leno

"And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money" --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts this week wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as 'tough as a three dollar steak' and 'just another day at the office.' Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse." --Seth Meyers

"Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth." --Amy Poehler

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to 'just be yourself.' Unfortunately, he spelled 'yourself' with three 'l's' and a '6.'" --Amy Poehler

Tuesday, Oct 28, 2008

#1013

Late Night From 10/20

"We're all a little chafed here about this whole 'some parts of the country are real and American' and other parts are not. This weekend I was performing at Northeastern and I just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the 'pro-American' parts of the country and I...in response to that, I think I might have said, you know, 'F**k you!' That's just my way of saying that I think that's a profanity to say, and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this, and I'm not, it's just this whole entire theme that there's more American areas, or some people love the country, some people don't. So what I meant to say is, 'F**k all y'all.'" --Jon Stewart

"Even if John McCain doesn't win the 'election' in 'America,' he'll still be president of real America, the America that matters, the one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from [on screen: Palin in North Carolina, saying that small-town America is 'real America']. What the f**k? So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real a**hole now. 'What? I bombed the wrong America? That's it. I'm going into hiding. I'm too embarrassed!'" --Jon Stewart

"Tell me more about this real America. It sounds magnificent [on screen: Palin saying in 'real' small-town America is 'where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our war for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform']. Gosh, we don't do any of that stuff. We just spend our days j***ing off onto religious paraphernalia. Jeez, I guess if you're from New York City and you signed up to fight in Iraq and you died, I guess it doesn't count." --Jon Stewart

The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black." --Stephen Colbert

"Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems." --Craig Ferguson

Wed., Oct 29, 2008

#1014

Late Night From 10/21

"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson

"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson

"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson

"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimme

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart

"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert

Thurdsay, Oct 30, 2008

#1015

on vacation

Friday, Oct 31, 2008

#1016

on vacation

Saturday, Nov 01, 2008

#1017

on vacation

Sunday, Nov 02, 2008

#1018

on vacation

Monday, Nov 03, 2008

#1019

on vacation

Tuesday, Nov 04, 2008
VOTE TODAY

#1020

on vacation

Wed., Nov 05, 2008

#1021

Late Night From 10/22
Part 1

"It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?" --Craig Ferguson

"In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling." --Craig Ferguson

"The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool, but I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?" --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?" --Craig Ferguson

"Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's a lot of money. Especially considering all the animals. Isn't she making pelts out of them? Shouldn't she be making her own clothing?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, Nov 06, 2008

#1022

Late Night From 10/22
Part 2

"John McCain mentions Joe the Plumber so much, I am afraid he is addicted to crack [on screen: photo of a plumber's backside]." And now, the McCain-Palin campaign is spread spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning 'Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher']. I believe they went on to single out Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, and Thomas the Tank Engine. A key demographic. The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President" --Stephen Colbert

"Obviously, for the past two months, we have been discussing Republican vice presidential nominee and gift from heaven, Sarah Palin. If there's one message she has been campaigning on, it's this: vote for us! We're just like you [on screen: Sarah Palin saying she and Todd are going through the same things as working-class Americans]. Heck, gosh, me and Todd, you betcha, we're just average, working class salts-of-the-earth governor and snow machine champions. Governor Palin gets up every morning, and puts on her governoring overalls and goes down to put in an eight-hour shift at the executive branch factory. She is a regular guy, girl, average Joe, lady. It's not like that entire facade she has built up can crumble in the space of a single sentence [on screen: reports that the RNC paid $150,000 to outfit Palin and her family for the election]. [Stewart, singing] She was born in a small town. Doesn't shop in a small town. Gets her clothes in a big town. And buys lots of fancy s***. How do you spend $150,000 on clothes in two months? How does someone who just spent more on clothing in six weeks than most Americans make in two years, show that she can still relate to the common folk?" --Jon Stewart

"In other words, Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin children. Now, that's just one scandal. Palin has also charged the Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid to live in her own home. My God! They're a family of grifters!" --Jon Stewart

"I know how they're doing it. The hot one [on screen: photo of Palin] finds an elderly victim [on screen: photo of McCain]. Then she seduces him with her unfancy-talk and once he pulls out the checkbook, boom! Here come the relatives. The old fart never had a chance!" --Jon Stewart

Friday, Nov 07, 2008

#1023

Late Night From 10/23
Part 1

"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Nov 08, 2008

#1024

Late Night From 10/23
Part 2

"John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. (to McCain) You're welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years." --Will Ferrell as President Bush, endorsing John McCain on Saturday Night Live

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, Nov 09, 2008

#1025

Late Night From 10/24

"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Nov 10, 2008

#1026

Late Night From 10/25

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher

"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher

Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008

#1027

Late Night From 10/27
Part 1

"Guilty on all charges. Stevens is 84 years old. He could get three weeks or life, whichever comes first." --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno

Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes, but she has an even higher tab at LensCrafters." --David Letterman

"Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname." --David Letterman

"But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting, isn't she, Sarah Palin? She spent yesterday campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View.' John McCain spent yesterday looking for his slippers." --David Letterman

"So Sarah Palin is on the road with Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' and John McCain, just for old time's sake, he slept with Barbara Walters." --David Letterman

"Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is apparently ill, rumored to be ill. And he's in the hospital today. And his condition has been downgraded from serious to ugly." --David Letterman

"But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman

"Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien

"Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Nov 12, 2008

#1028

Late Night From 10/27
Part 2

"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno

"This is the longest campaign. As you know by now, Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president, which is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno

"With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno

"It was disclosed that the Republican Party spent $150,000 on clothes and makeup for Sarah Palin to try and make her look better. Why? She looks fine, doesn't she? We're better off spending that money trying to make McCain look a little bit better. She looks great. Leave her alone. Do something for him." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View,' she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She's a big supporter. Elizabeth's speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri." --Jay Leno

"The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Nov 13, 2008

#1029

Late Night From 10/28
Part 1

"A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren't sure if they'll still be alive by next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now." --Jay Leno

"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." --David Letterman

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose." --David Letterman

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?" --David Letterman

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

"After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That's right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" --Conan O'Brien

"Tough news for John McCain, though. John McCain still trailing in the polls with just a week to go. CNN reported just a few hours ago that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don't have a job." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's begin tonight with a brand new segment. This is exciting. Are you in prison? Has your cell mate recently been paroled or been the victim of a library shanking? If so, listen. It's time to meet your new cell mate. Is the anticipation killing you? Is killing a sensitive topic? Your new cell mate is this guy, 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens! The Senate's longest-serving Republican, the earl of earmarks, nanook of the pork, the Alaskan king crab, and, as of last night, a convicted felon. To save you, his new roommate, the time of an introduction, hey, man, what are you in for? [on screen: description of Stevens' crimes]. That's hardcore, dude. I ate my mailman. Which bunk do you want?" --Jon Stewart

"You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, Nov 14, 2008

#1030

Late Night From 10/28
Part 2

"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she's wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. Show her on the campaign trail today [on screen: Palin during a campaign appearance, and 'appearing' to wear snow shoes]. I'm not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?" --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time." --Jay Leno

"Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That's such a huge amount of money. It's hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin told a crowd yesterday, when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'" --Jay Leno

"The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn't get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it." --Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He's an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn't of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012." --Jay Leno

"In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you." --Jay Leno

"According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See, that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy." --Jay Leno

Saturday, Nov 15, 2008

#1031

Late Night From 10/29
Part 1

"This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven't had that in years!" --Jay Leno

"Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'" --Jay Leno

"And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby." --Jay Leno

"And while CBS, NBC and Fox were showing the Barack Obama ad, ABC was showing 'Pushing Daisies,' which I believe is the name of the McCain ad, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner Party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what's going on in the McCain campaign right now." --Jay Leno

Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she's also agreed to keep him on the ticket, so I don't know." --Jay Leno

"It's not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, 'Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions.'" --Jay Leno

"A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. ... Isn't that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That's a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up." --Jay Leno

"All looking forward to Halloween? You know what John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are dressing up as this year? Hugh Hefner and 'The Girls Next Door.'" --Jay Leno

"Not a great day for Cloris Leachman. She was voted off 'Dancing With the Stars' last night. It seems that America can't wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen." --Craig Ferguson

"You have to admit, McCain is digging in as hard as he can, and Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success of Joe the plumber, they're bringing other characters into the mix. Last week, my favorite was Richard the florist, and on Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet [on screen: Palin introducing 'Tito the builder']. Now, I think he's trying to make sure that if McCain doesn't get elected, he's not the one who gets deported." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More Republicans endorsing Barack Obama. Great. Now Republicans will have to suppress their own turnout." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Nov 16, 2008

#1032

Late Night From 10/29
Part 2

"Sarah Palin, she's running Alaska, and now she's the vice presidential candidate, and everybody got very excited about the campaign, and she really sort of energized the whole thing. But listen to this, they now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Yeah, and staffers suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'" --David Letterman

"They say that recently, on a campaign bus trip, John McCain actually snubbed Sarah Palin on the bus trip. But now listen, to be fair, here's what actually happened. She was busy on the bus trip, in the rear, out the window, shooting squirrels." --David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It's fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn't he a little bit?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, in Washington, I don't know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story, yeah. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you." --Conan O'Brien

"During a speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from 'The Jeffersons' was a character on 'Sanford and Son.' That's true, yeah. And just like that, folks, the election is wide open." --Conan O'Brien

"Think about it. Just six days from today, we'll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud." --Jay Leno

Monday, Nov 17, 2008

#1033

Late Night From 10/30

"Hey, I watched 'American Idol' last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than 'Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC's already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes." --Jay Leno

"And after Barack Obama, I watched John John McCain's ad on TV. I thought it was McCain's ad. Turned out it was just Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical. 'Check it often! Check your blood sugar!'" --Jay Leno

"Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance." --Jay Leno

"This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don't think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, 'When you're president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It's good manners'" --Jay Leno

"And a lot of juicy gossip on the campaign trail. Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she's not listening to their advice, she's not taking their notes and she's going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, 'She's a maverick!'" --Jay Leno

"And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn't that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you're going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she's wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes, you know?" --Jay Leno

"It’s a little cold and windy outside, isn’t it today? It’s so cold today that Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull." --David Letterman

"And have you seen Sarah Palin and John McCain. I mean if you look at them, it’s kind of interesting. He looks like the elderly husband who would have her followed by a private detective. A little bit, don’t you think?" --David Letterman

"But here's what I like about John McCain. He's an optimist. Always sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"In Senator Obama's quest to become the president of television, Obama bought a half-hour infomercial and ran it during prime time on seven different networks. Opening with actual footage of amber waves of grain [on screen: opening to Obama's infomercial] presumably to demonstrate he's the type of guy you want to make a beer with." --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, Nov 18, 2008

#1034

Late Night From 10/31

“Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course. But I’m a true maverick – a Republican without money." --John McCain, appearing on "Saturday Night Live" with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin in a skit that featured them addressing the nation on the QVC channel

"While speaking at a campaign rally in western Pennsylvania, which is Pittsburgh Pirate territory, Sarah Palin was booed when she said that she was thrilled to be here, in the home state of the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Though, in fairness to Palin, she's not used to states with more than one city." --Seth Meyers

"This Sunday, daylight saving time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight." --Seth Meyers

"How many watched Obama's big TV special this week? Well, it was on seven stations, you could hardly avoid it. But it was interesting, because he did a half-hour infomercial. ... Never mentioned McCain, never mentioned Palin, never mentioned George Bush. Or as Shakespeare people call it: history, comedy, and tragedy." --Bill Maher

"Palin has had another tough week. One of McCain's big supporters, former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger, was asked if she was ready to be vice president. He said, 'Of course not.' Not just no, 'of course not.' And they asked Palin what she thought of Eagleburger. She said, 'It went well with fries and a light beer.'" --Bill Maher

"I think this says it all about the difference between the two parties. McCain is campaigning with Joe the plumber, Obama is down in Florida campaigning with Al Gore. One guy won the Nobel Prize in climate science. The other guy can get a fork out of a garbage disposal." --Bill Maher

"But McCain's last plan to catch fire in this election is, apparently, Saturday night, he's going to go on 'Saturday Night Live.' And he wants to deliver their famous line, 'Live from New York, it's way past my bedtime!'" --Bill Maher

"As you know, tonight's the night kids going around asking for handouts. Same thing Wall Street did about a month ago." --Jay Leno

"As you know, a lot of voters in Florida have already cast their ballots using early voting. And here's the weird part. George Bush was declared the winner again." --Jay Leno

"Think about it. In less than a week, President Bush will be a lame duck, as opposed to just being a lame president." --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber?" --Jay Leno

"God bless John McCain. You know, I've got to give McCain credit for ignoring the polls and fighting on. The guy's a fighter. I mean, he's been declared dead by the pollsters, and twice by his own doctor." --Jay Leno

"Daylight savings time, change your clocks back. ... If there's one thing we need, it's another hour of 2008. President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he's a socialist by joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a communist. To which John McCain responded, 'You had toys as a child? I had to play with dinosaurs.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. Ted Stevens is a legendary figure up in Alaska. The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They'll have to rename it "Prisoner No. 4983 Airport." -Craig Ferguson

"It was reported today that 33 million people saw Barack Obama's infomercial. 33 million people. Very successful, yeah. As a result, John McCain's thinking of making one, but his is for the Craftmatic adjustable bed." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Nov 19, 2008

#1035

Late Night From 11/03

"Today Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia. And McCain campaigned in two states: panic and desperation." --David Letterman

"Endorsements are important in a campaign. Even as late as we where now, endorsements are important. And John McCain was endorsed by Dick Cheney. Yeah. So things just keep getting better and better for Barack Obama." --David Letterman

"I'm no pundit, I'm no expert, but McCain needed Cheney's endorsement like I need more Lehman Brothers stock." --David Letterman

"Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight years." -- Jay Leno

"Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one from Ralph Nader's campaign. Turns out it wasn't recorded. It was Ralph calling personally from a pay phone." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest AP poll, Ralph Nader is getting less than 1%. Less than 1%. How embarrassing, he's actually losing to low fat milk." --Jay Leno

"According to all the studies, somewhere between 8% and 14% of voters are still undecided. Who are these morons? You know? This has been going on for what, four years. You don't know. What, do you need another year to figure this out? Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions? I'm going to wait." --Jay Leno

"You may have heard about this. I understand Senator Larry Craig got arrested for tapping his foot in the voting booth next to him. He has a wide voting stance, apparently. Well here's the really disturbing part. Turns out Senator Craig actually registered to vote under the name 'Dangling Chad.'" --Jay Leno

"On the east coast, the polls open in seven hours. Very long lines are expected. If you're not already lined up, it is too late. You have to wait until 2012. That's true. But I'll tell you something, I don't think the lines are going to matter. This is a country that waits 18 hours on line for an iPhone. We'll sit for three days in the rain to get Halo 2. We'll camp out on the sidewalk for a week to get the first ticket to see a 'Star Wars' movie that we know is going to be crap. ... If we can wait in line to see the Jonas brothers, then by God, I say we can wait in line to elect the next president of the United States." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I can't believe this happened. Over the weekend, a comedian, I guess on the radio, tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Yeah, the comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicolas Sarkozy, because she has no idea who that is. No clue." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: `Now behold, the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!'" --Conan O'Brien.

"In Florida, voting officials turned down a request for a nudist-only voting booth. That's true, yeah. The officials said they were afraid that nudists would pull the wrong lever." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight at midnight in Arizona, this is the latest, John McCain appeared at his final campaign event, which is being called the midnight road to victory. Yeah. Of course, for McCain, the midnight road to victory is the hallway between his bedroom and bathroom." --Conan O'Brien

Thurdsay, Nov 20, 2008

#1036

Late Night From 11/05

"Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?" --David Letterman

"At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call." --David Letterman

"But Republicans had a bad night all around. I mean, anywhere you look. Even the crooked voting machines in Florida broke down." --David Letterman

"How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now." --David Letterman

"Did you see the concession speech last night? John McCain was generous. He was gracious. He was statesman-like. And I was thinking well, he should have tried that earlier." --David Letterman

"People all over the world are celebrating Barack Obama’s victory. In fact, Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house." --David Letterman

"You know, it's amazing, Barack Obama won in Florida and still became president. That never happens. In fact, today, Democrats are asking for a recount. They can't believe they won." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did I call it or what? Six months ago I predicted Ralph Nader would come in third. Did I call it?" --Jay Leno

"And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that he watched the coverage on TV last night and he was amazed. He was amazed, he couldn't believe how many states there were. They're all over the place!" --Jay Leno

"You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Sarah Palin was pretty upset last night. Did you see her? Yeah, well, she wasn't upset because she lost. Now she's got to give all of her clothes back." --Jay Leno

"And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.'" --Jay Leno

"A huge turnout in Hollywood. In fact, for the first time ever, there were more celebrities in voting booths than in rehab. That has never happened. They say this was most expensive election in history, costing over $1 billion. Do you realize that is the equivalent of three Wall Street CEO bonuses?" --Jay Leno

"And in what has to be one of the most ridiculous moments yesterday, it looks like convicted Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has won re-election. How does that make the guy who lost feel, huh? What's that concession speech like? 'We gave it our best, but the voters are preferred a convicted, 84-year-old felon who's going to prison.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama, promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. Yeah. Yeah, when we heard this, Obama said, 'Thanks, but you've done enough.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama won the state of Florida, which means that it went from a red state to a blue state. That’s huge, yeah. It’s historic, because it’s the first time something turned blue in Florida and they didn’t have to call a medic." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush called Sen. Obama last night to congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about Bush." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey if you think about it, President Bush is at least partially responsible for us having our first black president, so never let it be said he didn't accomplish anything. Maybe George Bush doesn't hate black people after all." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bush invited Obama to come visit him at the White House, which was a nice thing to do. He wants to show him, I guess, the presidential tree house and teach him how to turn the Oval Office couch cushions into a fort. All the fun stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The real challenge, though, is for Joe Biden because he's got to figure out how to get Dick Cheney out of the vice presidential mansion. As you know, Dick Cheney is armed and has a history of shooting old men." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much." --Jon Stewart

"As soon as the results were final, Barack Obama received a congratulatory call from still-President Bush, who told him, 'What an awesome night for you. I called to congratulate you and your good bride.' Why couldn't you just say wife? This being an official statement and all, I thought I would make it weird. Anyway, you all should come over to my family building at food eating time. We could hang out and word trade." --Jon Stewart

"Barack Obama won the popular vote by a 52 percent to 46 percent. And electoral vote 360 to 173, so basically a six percent popular vote victory translates into a two-to-one Electoral College drubbing, proving once again the Electoral College makes perfect sense." --Jon Stewart

"The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they’ve still got three months of George Bush." --Craig Ferguson

"In California, the ban on gay marriage passed. Gay people are furious. They stormed the State Capitol in Sacramento and caused $3 million in improvements to the city." --Craig Ferguson

Friday, Nov 21, 2008

#1037

Late Night From 11/06

"Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented? Already?'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm." --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain  saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno

"Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay." --Jay Leno

"But Obama is busy putting together his presidential cabinet. McCain, John McCain, Senator McCain is putting together his medicine cabinet. Maalox, Metamucil, Polydent, on and on." --David Letterman

"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"This is fun, because Republican campaign insiders are now spilling their guts about Sarah Palin. Apparently she's not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose, she pistol-whipped it." --David Letterman

"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien

"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

Newsweek magazine and Fox News are reporting that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, she thought this was a country. She didn't know what countries were in the North American Free Trade Agreement, even though it's just us, Canada, and Mexico in North America. Another story said two top McCain aides came to her hotel room to brief her, she came out wet, and wearing nothing but a towel. It sounds a little bit like they're talking about Jessica Simpson, but they're not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But what's interesting about these stories is they come from inside the McCain camp. ... But they're even more horrified by all the money she spent on clothes than they initially let on. Apparently, they told her buy three suit for the convention, and instead she went out and bought $150,000 stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in the mouth, she ruined a $1,200 pair of Manolo Blahniks. The McCain aides described it, and this is a quote, as 'Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin has been tagged and reintroduced into the wild. And now that her race for the White House has ended, the news thought it might be a good time to fill us in on some of her shortcomings [on screen: FNC's Carl Cameron talks about reported shortcomings of Palin, such as there were 'real problems with basic civics, government structures, municipal, state and federal government responsibilities']. Well, okay, lots of restaurant children's place mats have civics fun facts. She could have picked that stuff up [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly didn't know Africa is a continent, not a country]. ... All right, big deal, big deal [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly can't name the countries in North America]. She can't name them, but she knows them. I mean there is us, there's gay us to the north, and burrito place." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Nov 22, 2008

#1038

Late Night From 11/07

"Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess." -Bill Maher

"But I'm sure you all remember where you were on Tuesday night. A very emotional night, watching the returns come in. So many of my friends who were gathered around me shed tears, I thought the Jacuzzi was going to overflow. And the spontaneous celebrations that went on! I was watching the TV, I saw black people pouring into the streets. I said, 'Oh s**t, what'll the LAPD do now?'" -Bill Maher

"Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'" -Bill Maher

"Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'" -Bill Maher

"Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence." -Bill Maher

"We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides." --Bill Maher

"The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? ... Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy." --Jay Leno

"Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"Well, did you see Joe the plumber on the news today? Isn't his 15 minutes of lame just about up? Anyway, he was asked how he felt about his role in the election. This is what he said. He said, 'I didn't dream about becoming a household name. Now, I'm right up there with Ajax.' Yeah, except the big difference is, Ajax works." --Jay Leno

"Of course, everybody now is speculating what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, 'Ganging up on Palin.'" --Jay Leno

"The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right?" --Jay Leno

"A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, 'I didn't know either. I thought it was a vowel.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about, that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin's hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn't happen to." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is interested in writing his memoirs after he leaves office. He wants to remember his days in the White House, while the rest of us, of course, are trying to forget." --Jay Leno

"It was revealed that Dick Cheney, we haven't seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants." --Jay Leno

"And in other election news, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize marijuana, it won by 65% of the vote, which is amazing. Well, that is huge. It's really big when you consider, most marijuana supporters don't even show up at the polls until next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"And according to a federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that's just Republicans in Washington." --Jay Leno

"I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late." --David Letterman

"By the way, don't worry about Sarah Palin, she's already back to selling Mary Kay products, so she's going to to be fine." --David Letterman

"President Bush is getting ready to move out of the White House. He spent all today, spending all his time in the supply room, stealing stationery." --David Letterman

"And this is sad, you hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist." --David Letterman

"This country is a mess. We all know that, but I'll tell you something, Barack Obama is not wasting one moment trying to clean it up. He was elected on Tuesday night. Already, he's selected his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel. He is said to be close to naming the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of state and a newly created position, secretary of kicking out George Bush." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama held his first news conference today as president-elect. Some veteran White House reporters were actually a little bit confused, because he didn't make up any words and almost everything he said made sense." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sports Illustrated says Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. Isn't that cool? Yeah, yeah. And in order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip 'n Slide. " --Conan O'Brien

"Some of the smaller elections across the country on Tuesday were very close. The election for mayor in a small town in Minnesota was a tie, so they decided to choose a winner with a coin toss. Unfortunately, the economy is so bad, no one had a coin." --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Nov 23, 2008

#1039

Late Night From 11/10

"And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together." --David Letterman

"But I'm no pundit. I don't know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama's ratings went down 10 points." --David Letterman

"But I thought this was nice. While Bush met with Obama, Vice President Cheney took Joe Biden waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Meanwhile, John McCain, don't forget about John McCain. While all of this was going on, John McCain was waiting for his name to be called at IHOP." --David Letterman

"Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack opened a closet. Bush said, 'Oh, don't open that,' and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters' school the other day. And a very positive meeting. The teacher said, both the girls already reading at a President Bush level." --Jay Leno

"Everybody seems to be ganging up on Sarah Palin lately. Have you noticed that? Oh, boy. Now, when she goes hunting, the moose return fire. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"Well, Sarah Palin continuing to speak out. She said she now knows Africa is not a country. She also knows that, with the campaign over, she's looking forward to a nice, relaxing vacation in the nation of Hawaii." --Jay Leno

"And the controversy continuing over those clothes she bought, or the Republicans bought, or the Republicans want the clothes back. Do you know this story? I say, let Sarah Palin keep the clothes. She can have the clothes. What are a bunch of male Republicans going to do with a bunch of women's clothes? I guess that's kind of creepy." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. That's what it says. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Daily News, a New Jersey City Councilman named Steve Lipski got so drunk at a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- not even the Grateful Dead, a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- he urinated off the balcony of the nightclub onto the people below. A politician urinating on people. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, foreplay" --Jay Leno

"This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, you probably saw this, President Bush had a private meeting, in the Oval Office, with President-elect Barack Obama. Then afterwards, Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work." --Conan O'Brien

"Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except, when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the scary parts." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, Nov 24, 2008

#1040

Late Night From 11/11

"And Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." --Jay Leno

"After the election, Barack Obama's family in Kenya slaughtered 4 bulls, 16 chickens and an assortment of goats out of happiness. And in Alaska, out of anger, Sarah Palin slaughtered 4 bears, 16 moose and a bunch of foxes." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is finally speaking to reporters. And whoo, not a moment too soon, huh? Last night, she was on Fox News with Greta Van Susteren. Today, she was on the 'Today' show with Matt Lauer. In fact, this week, she's going to speak to a bunch of other governors in Miami. Then she's going to go on a long tour to return clothes to different department stores all across America." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines." --Jay Leno

"Well today, President Bush defended the dog. He said, 'Hey, I know how frustrating it is when you aren't able to express yourself by talking.'" --Jay Leno

"In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He'll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we're getting some young blood in there." --Jay Leno

"The United States Postal Service said the economy's so bad, it will have its first layoffs in the history of the post office. May lay off 40,000 workers, yeah. Company officials said they have no idea what happened. They don't understand why people aren't using the mail like they used to, and they said all 40,000 workers would be notified by email. I don't know. Is that a good idea, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers at holiday time? That doesn't sound like a good thing." --Jay Leno

"Today is Veterans' Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber." --David Letterman

"But now we see some bitterness. We see some back biting, and Sarah Palin is saying that the reason they lost the election is the media. The media is to blame for losing. It's the media. Well, yeah, because it's their fault that she entered beauty contests instead of a library." --David Letterman

"You're not going to believe this. Bush's approval rating has dropped to an historic low. I'm telling you now, this guy has really got his work cut out for him for his third term." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? President-elect Barack Obama announced that he's moving into the White House, his family, the two girls and his wife and his mother-in-law. Don't worry. It still has to be approved by the Senate. A mother-in-law in the White House? Honestly? I thought this was the administration that was against torture." --David Letterman

"You know the Secret Service that follows the candidates around and stuff? They have nicknames for the people that they work with. Like Barack Obama, his nickname, the Secret Service called him 'Renegade.' John McCain, I think they called him 'Maverick.' President Bush's Secret Service nickname is 'Occupant.'" --David Letterman

"But yesterday was a big day, because George Bush graciously invited President-elect Barack Obama. So you had there in the White House, the president-elect and the president-inept. It was a nice gathering." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was thrilled, I mean, thrilled, because even as a United States senator, he had never really been to the White House, so he was thrilled to be there. He thought, for a minute, he was getting a 21-gun salute. Whoa! It turned out it was just Cheney fooling around." --David Letterman

"President Bush is mad at Barack Obama, because Obama leaked details of the private meeting they had yesterday in the Oval Office. Yeah, Bush says, 'What happens in the couch fort stays in the couch fort.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power." --Conan O'Brien

"One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a puppy that is completely hairless. Yeah. In fact, the children have already given the puppy the name James Carville." --Conan O'Brien

"Big goings on at the White House. Yesterday, our President-elect, Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, visited with President and Mrs. Bush. Obama has been very critical of the president. Fortunately, though, the president cannot read, so he didn't know about it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The only awkward moment was when Bush complimented Obama on his campaign. He said, 'You did a heck of a job, Brownie.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I am giddy is what I am, because I had such a lovely day off yesterday, which was ruined by Barack Obama. Yesterday, the Obamas visited with President Bush. Yes, they visited with President Bush at their future residence, the White House. Hey, for the record, a real candidate of change would move into the Air and Space Museum. How fun would that be? I didn't like how Obama got all handsy with the president [on screen: Obama putting his hand on the top of Bush's back as they walked into the White House together]. You don't see President Bush invading people's personal space. Unless they have oil." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Joe Biden still hasn't met with Dick Cheney. I don't get it. Why wouldn't Biden have the common courtesy to go to a secret location and meet a guy who is known for shooting old men in the face?" --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, Nov 25, 2008

#1041

Late Night From 11/12

"Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about." --David Letterman

"This is an exciting time in Washington. Barack Obama is very busy. He is meeting with his advisors and picking out a cabinet. Meanwhile, John McCain is at Applebee's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama says he’ll be living in the White House with his family, his two daughters and his wife, and his mother-in-law. Yeah, he may want to rethink closing Guantanamo, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Anybody see Sarah Palin on the 'Today' show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, 'Well, can she cook?' Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain’s goose." --David Letterman

"When they move into the White House, Barack Obama's going to be getting a dog for his daughters. And he was very clear. You know, he's very strict. He said, 'You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?' Joe Biden said, 'Yeah.'" --Jay Leno

"And according to CNN, Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don't know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, 'You still want the job?'" --Jay Leno

"During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don't really have to do it. They can't do anything to you." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he's glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves, because he didn't want to have to sell the White House in such a down market." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you been following this election in Minnesota? This is crazy. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people's cars. Yeah, all kinds of odd places. Everybody is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means 'Florida.'" --Jay Leno

"And in his first public comment since he got caught with an underage male intern, former Congressman Mark Foley said today there's a huge difference between hitting on pre-pubescent boys and sending dirty text messages to 17-year-old young men. And as soon as he can figure out what the difference is, he'll let us know." --Jay Leno

"The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama's wife and daughters code names. These are the code names: Renaissance, Rosebud and Radiance. Apparently, the agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume business." --Conan O'Brien

"Some political analysts are saying the 1980s sitcom The Cosby Show helped Obama get elected because it portrayed a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago if it weren't for Flavor Flav." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. Isn't that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon, they'll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station" --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Nov 26, 2008

#1042

Late Night From 11/13

"Joe Biden got together today with Dick Cheney and the girls, the ladies, the wives, they all had dinner. And the meal went great. I mean, they only had to shock Cheney back to life twice." --David Letterman

"And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on 'Desperate Housewives,' and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, “I would kind of like to be on 'Bonanza.'" --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?'" --David Letterman

"It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama." -Jay Leno

"Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they're calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican Party, and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea, how about no more luxury cruises. Why don't you work out of the Embassy Suites?" -Jay Leno

"Cuba's Raul Castro is going to visit Russia next year, to which President Bush said, man, how long is that raft trip going to take?" -Jay Leno

"Well, the National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that's the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? Come on. Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. See what I'm saying?" -Jay Leno

"Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts." -Jay Leno

"American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it" --Jay Leno

"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York, and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other major problems facing the country. That's right. The speech was called 'So Long Suckers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American to be their Party’s chairman. Yeah. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job." --Conan O'Brien

"American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club." --Conan O'Brien

"This is nice. Barack Obama’s daughters he been invited to appear in an episode of the show, 'Hannah Montana.' Isn't that nice? Yeah, President Bush is furious and insists that because he’s still president, he should be invited first." --Conan O'Brien

Thurdsay, Nov 27, 2008

#1043

Late Night From 11/14

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno

"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Mahe

"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher

Friday, Nov 28, 2008

#1044

Late Night From 11/15

"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican Party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their Party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien

"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers

On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

Saturday, Nov 29, 2008

#1045

Late Night From 11/17

"How about this, they're talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill." --David Letterman

"Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached." --David Letterman

"Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I'm catching up with you. I just got a second home." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can't use ... his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That's not a problem." --David Letterman

"According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call 'Obama babies.' Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That's true. See, that's why there's never been any Detroit Lions babies." --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. But that's kind of sad, don't you think? I mean think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary." --Jay Leno

"Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions." --Jay Leno

"When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night on '60 Minutes,' Barack Obama, he spoke at length about his life these days. And he said that since he won the election, he has slept in his own bed every night. Isn't that nice? Yeah. And after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Man, this guy has a lot to learn. He's doing it all wrong.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At a big photo op today, earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent, John McCain. The two got together. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face. He's still mad." --Conan O'Brien

Henry Kissinger's in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, 'Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She's crazy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's talking about the transition to the White House, and everyone's talking about how he's going to get a dog for his little girls. Well, Barack says he's taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters, because he's looking for a pet that won't shed its hair. Yeah, that's true. Which is the exact same reason, apparently, he picked Joe Biden." --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Nov 30, 2008

#1046

Late Night From 11/18

"Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher." --David Letterman

"And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, 'You betcha. As long as I don't have to read it.'" --David Letterman

"Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing." --David Letterman

"President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. You're saying, what exactly are you talking about? I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me." --David Letterman

"It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K)." --Jay Leno

"The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, 'cause he's very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we're just not ready for a Blackberry president." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives.' And, a related story: John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who's really excited about this? Neiman Marcus." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn't get any gifts. At least, he didn't report any." --Jay Leno

"Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past." --Jay Leno

"You know what the definition of recession is? A recession is two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Clippers call that, 'halftime.'" --Jay Leno

"There is good news for friend-of-the-show and fair-weather friend of the Democratic Party Joe Lieberman. After supporting a Republican for president, today, Lieberman found out his fate. ... Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough. The senator was so grateful, he could barely contain his enthusiasm [on screen: Lieberman, droll, 'It's a resolution of reconciliation and not retribution, and I appreciate it.']. Just look at the joy on his, I want to say, 'face.' So congratulations, senator. In the end, your support for McCain didn't help 'Joe the Plumber,' but, more importantly, it didn't hurt 'Joe the Lieberman'" --Stephen Colbert

"President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. ... And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is still busy. People act as if President Bush is done now, but he's not. He's still doing things, he's still busy. Yesterday, President Bush awarded -- this is true -- a national Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic-book artist who created Spiderman. ... Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he's done as president that felt right." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama appears to have selected an attorney general and it looks like Hillary Clinton might be his secretary of state. Boy, I guess that's good for her, but Hillary went from almost being the president to a secretary. Sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again, because that's not how it's supposed to work." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Dec 01, 2008

#1047

Late Night From 11/19

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno

"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno

"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno

"Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, 'cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby." --Jay Leno

"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno

"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda released a new tape today, in which they used a racial slur directed at President-elect Barack Obama. Hey, al-Qaeda thought it was tough dealing with the U.S. military? Now they've got Al Sharpton coming after them, alright?" --Jay Leno

"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno

"Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil [and] holds it for ransom? Anybody know? Exxon Mobil." --Jay Leno

"Is it chilly outside today? I'm telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test." --David Letterman

"Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don't kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses." --David Letterman

"The annual People magazine 'World's Sexiest Man' issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, 'sexiest man alive.' But this is odd -- Al Franken is demanding a recount." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes." --David Letterman

"Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They’re creepy, aren't they, those al Qaeda guys? And they're taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he's like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here's what's interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, 'Buy a new BMW.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama's daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they'll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for reelection to the Senate. Yeah. Apparently, McCain's new campaign slogan is, 'Now 100 percent Sarah Palin-free.'" --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Dec 02, 2008

#1048

Late Night From 11/20

"John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I'm thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!" --David Letterman

"But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair." --David Letterman

"And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney's torture chamber." --David Letterman

"But we're coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you've got to keep your eye on him. And what he's doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he's taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I'll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it's really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, 'Cars use oil.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, Congress demanded a business plan from the three automakers before they'd even consider giving them taxpayer money. A business plan? How come we didn't get to see a business plan before Congress gave away 750 billion of our dollars?" --Jay Leno

"I've got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!" --Jay Leno

"International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs." --Jay Leno

"She's in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you're supportive of your daughter's hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? 'Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor's Club.'" --Jay Leno

"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien

"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Dec 03, 2008

#1049

Late Night From 11/21

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. ... But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'" --Jay Leno

"U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They're being bought by the executives at AIG."  --Jay Leno

"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about."  --Jay Leno

"In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell."  --Jay Leno

"See, the problem for the automakers is there's not a big demand for their cars right now. Here's how you fix that: You get Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, get them back on the highway crashing into people, okay? This would create a demand for new cars, and they will all be back in business again."  --Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart has chosen a new CEO. They went a little different way this time, interesting. Seems this guy is an actual U.S. citizen."  --Jay Leno

"The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name."  --Jay Leno

"Well you know what's really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'"

"And how about if it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, 'It's delicious, especially the strawberry part.'" --Jay Leno

"Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? ... Here's Barack: cover of Time, Men's Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, 'Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?' ... Cat Fancy [on screen: image of Obama's face superimposed on a cat's body]... Even the Harlequin Novel people came out with this: Between Barack and a Hard Place [on screen: image of Obama, shirtless, on cover of romance novel clutching wife Michelle passionately in his arms]" --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Dec 04, 2008

#1050

Late Night From 11/24
Part 1

"I guess Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she pardoned some turkeys for Thanksgiving. So she pardons them and then right behind her, someone kills some turkeys, and it was gruesome. I honestly haven't seen a slaughter like that since November 4." --David Letterman

"I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?" --David Letterman

"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman

"And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don't have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that's Hill and Bill." --David Letterman

"Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we'll almost be even again." --Jay Leno

"It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. You know what I think we should do? I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 05, 2008

#1051

Late Night From 11/24
Part 2

"And the car companies don't like the word 'bailout.' They prefer to call it a '24-hour bail-a-thon! Come on down! Everything must go!'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It's unbelievable. Given today how far it's gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's just not us.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama gave a press conference today. He says he is united with President Bush's administration on doing everything they can to fix the economy. When asked about it, President Bush replied, 'Uh, what he said,' and then went back to packing." --Conan O'Brien

"Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them." --Craig Ferguson

"The astronauts were very busy up in the space station today, installing a machine that converts their urine into drinking water. I'm thinking, astronauts drinking their urine? America’s astronauts. Is the economy that bad? Remind me to never go to Buzz Aldrin's house for drinks again." --Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Dec 06, 2008

#1052

Late Night From 11/25
Part 1

"In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, 'This isn't about big government or small government. It's about building a smarter government.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I get it. I get it. I'm leaving.'"  --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats."  --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot."  --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'"  --Conan O'Brien

"Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'" --David Letterman

"That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, 'Uh, you can do that?'" --David Letterman

"A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman

"Listen to this, a guy in North Carolina, a mailman, a Federal employee, a postal worker, was arrested and put in jail. You know why? He would deliver regular mail, but he wouldn't deliver junk mail. They got the guy, they arrested him, and they put him in prison. We got that guy, but still no word on bin Laden." --David Letterman

Sunday, Dec 07, 2008

#1053

Late Night From 11/25
Part 2

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno

"No, I was watching one of the network financial people on cable news today. And they said, with this bailout thing, the government has set a precedent that if you're a large corporation losing money, you know, due to lack of creativity and poor business decisions, well, the government will just send you a check. So, good news for NBC. We're getting a check! Yeah!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's people are trying to lower expectations for the new Obama administration, you know, because everybody thinks he's going to be able to fix things all at once. So the expectations are very high, but if they want to lower expectations, quit hiring the Clinton people and keep some of those Bush people on." --Jay Leno

"A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno

"And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact, today -- you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money's in the market. Nothing left to live for." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is." --Craig Ferguson"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

Monday, Dec 08, 2008

#1054

Late Night From 12/01

"Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market." --Jay Leno

"Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno

"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno

"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Dec 09, 2008

#1055

Late Night From 12/02
Part 1

"The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it's the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. Isn't that ironic? We're going from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants." --Jay Leno

"Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans 'cannot be the old, white guy party.' That's what he said. I believe he made this statement at a national shuffleboard convention in Boca Raton, Florida." --Jay Leno

"On 'Meet the Press' Sunday, First Lady Laura Bush said that the Obama girls, when they visited the White House, they were schooled on all the fun things you can do there, like play in an obstacle course, running up and down the main hall there and crawl under the furniture, and sliding down the ramp of the solarium. All of the stuff President Bush likes to do now, actually." --Jay Leno

"Well, President Bush is opening up a little bit. He gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different?" --Jay Leno

"And the space shuttle 'Endeavour' landed in California on Sunday. To show you how bad the economy is, the astronauts were charged 15 bucks a bag. Can you believe that?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has less than two months left before he two-steps back to Texas for some serious brush-clearing time. But the president sat down with Charles Gibson of ABC for an interview that aired tonight. Surprisingly, he admitted to some mistakes. He said he was unprepared for how long and how difficult the Iraq war would be, and that he shouldn't have gone to war based on reports that Iraq had WMDs without first asking what WMD stood for." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Dec 10, 2008

#1056

Late Night From 12/02
Part 2

"Big relief today. The stock market is up 270. My 401(k) is now only practically worthless. Folks, this is great, because yesterday the Dow fell almost 700 ... dows. Money points? Stockos? 700 stockos. Now personally, I blame the geniuses at the National Bureau of Economic Research, who thought it would be a good idea to announce yesterday that we are now in a recession. Terrible move. Everyone knows you keep bad news to yourself, holding it deep inside, until eventually it kills you" --Stephen Colbert

"So with the backdrop being the many challenges we face in this world, Barack Obama introduced his team of rivals, if you will. The best and brightest. ... First up in his team, General Jim Jones, the next national security advisor, who also wholeheartedly disagrees with Obama that a date-certain exit from Iraq is the right choice and who is actually personally closer to John McCain. Next up, Robert Gates, Obama's new secretary of defense. He's going to have a lot of trouble following in the footsteps of the current Bush secretary of defense, Robert Gates [on screen: two matching photos of Gates pop up]. Dude, at least wear an eye patch or something [on screen: one of the photos of Gates gets a pirate-style eye patch]. There you go. At least try something different! That's kind of bad-ass. And of course, the new secretary of state, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who, according to Wikipedia, actually ran for the presidency against Barack Obama and, according to them, kind of seemed like she hated him. This isn't a team of rivals. This is a team of arch nemeses! Obviously, the biggest attention-getter of the group was Senator Clinton. What are the benefits of that choice? [on screen: news reports saying Clinton is 'universally known']. In Indonesia, they called her the Tigress. To the Native Americans, she is Coyote, the trickster. In Lilliput, she's known as Giant Lady of the Pantsuit." --Jon Stewart

"What does Senator Clinton has believe has prepared her for this job? [on screen: Clinton thanking her 'fellow New Yorkers,' who helped her 'prepare well' for the role, and that they aren't 'afraid to speak their minds and do so in every language']. They are the worst. It'll be so nice to get back to Washington and get that New York stink right off me." --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Dec 11, 2008

#1057

Late Night From 12/03
Part 1

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno

"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno

"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno

"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno

Friday, Dec 12, 2008

#1058

Late Night From 12/03
Part 2

"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel

The most fun of these exit interviews with the president is going to be watching the news anchors try to delicately assess whether this president realize just how bad he has f***ed this thing up [on screen: Gibson asking Bush various questions, trying to gauge what he thinks the American people think about his presidency. Gibson also asks Bush if there was an 'uh-oh' moment]. An 'uh-oh' moment? Why do we have to talk to this jackass like he's four? When did foolhardy war and economic collapse become 'uh-oh' moments? Mr. President, I have a question. Did you make a boom boom in the Middle East? Look at me, I'm asking you a question!" --Jon Stewart

[on screen]: Gibson asks Bush if he feels 'in any way responsible' for what's happening. Bush says he's been president while this has been going on, but continues on to say he thinks when this period of history is written, people will realize 'a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade' before he arrived 'in president']. Before I arrived 'in president'? That doesn't make sense. Let's give him a chance to correct himself [on screen: Bush says 'before I arrived in president, during I arrived in president']. No! You know something? I'm gonna miss you so much! By the way, do we really have to build this guy a library? I mean, can't we just get him an arcade/go-cart course? I know he'd like it more." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Dec 13, 2008

#1059

slow joke day

Sunday, Dec 14, 2008

#1060

Late Night From 12/04

"What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout." --Jay Leno

"In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

Monday, Dec 15, 2008

#1061

Late Night From 12/06

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas Party." --Jay Leno

"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers

"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008

#1062

Late Night From 12/08
Part 1

"Economy not looking good. Some bad job numbers. Employers cut over 500,000 jobs. This is the worst job loss in 34 years. The only bright side, at least Bush is losing his." --Jay Leno

"And insiders say that President Bush and his wife, Laura, have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his presidency he's actually had an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"You can tell President Bush has been living in public housing a little too long. Like, when a reporter asked him if he was looking forward to escrow he said, 'You know, I don't like snails.'" --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That's what he said. It's going to get worse. See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'Change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed, good night, thank you! It's going to get worse!'" --Jay Leno

"And this is true. This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That's a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it's empty, so plenty more room to party." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Big Three, as you know, are not selling as many cars and they have got to pay those big union payments. So they went to the government looking for some of that sweet Federal bailout money. But instead of the bailout, they should apply for farm subsidies, you know, because of all the lemons they produced over the years." --David Letterman

"Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, 'It's going to get worse before it gets better.'" --David Letterman

"How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he's working harder than the President. He's come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China." --David Letterman

Wed., Dec 17, 2008

#1063

Late Night From 12/08
Part 2

"Here's something that is funny and also serious and not so funny at the same time but mostly funny. Barack Obama smokes cigarettes. And he has tried to quit. And he quit but every now and then he's got to --you know. It's hard to break old habits but it can be done. For an example, a couple of years ago, President Bush quit working. So, it can be done." --David Letterman

"But the President-elect says that he still will smoke occasionally. And I remember on Election Day when he smoked John McCain, so it's true." --David Letterman

"But Obama says that sometimes the urge is so strong he really can't control himself and he just has to have one. And he — no, wait, that was President Clinton. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

"Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit's consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, 'Who was that guy?'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's a lot being thrown at us these days. In the month of November, folks, the U.S. lost 500,000 jobs. To put that into perspective, that's more jobs than Sean Hannity has [on screen: a photo of Hannity outlining his three current jobs]. And the news gets worse. Today, Congress sent the White House a $15 billion bailout of the big three automakers. They're calling the loan an emergency bridge. I assume so the CEOs have something to jump off." --Stephen Colbert

"We begin with our neighbors to the north. Don't look up! These gentle cannibals face perhaps their greatest challenge since their controversial decision to reshape bacon. It's a constitutional crisis, a government dissolved, and it's the subject of tonight's 'Provinces in Peril: Indecision Oh-Eh?' Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ... has decided it to dissolve the Canadian parliament, rather than face a vote of no confidence from said parliament [on screen: a Fox News report saying the opposition party called for a no confidence vote, which would force Harper from office]. Force him from office? You can do that? Because we've had no confidence in our guy for quite some time now. And he's taking forever to leave! I mean, this guy [on screen: photo of Harper], his approval rating is 46% and they're trying to kick him out. You know what we call a 46% approval rating down here? President Clinton! Boom!" --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Dec 18, 2008

#1064

Late Night From 12/09
Part 1

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno

"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno

"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno

"And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don't know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [on screen: a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer!" --Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of blagojeviching." --David Letterman

"Spitzer was a lot more fun and a lot easier to say, too. Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, 'Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don't think so. At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. '" --David Letterman

"Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'" --David Letterman

"But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, 'We've got to have $25 billion.' Congress said, 'You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'" --David Letterman

"I love New York City, especially at the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, today, Sarah Palin went out and shot a Norway spruce." --David Letterman

"The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago of charges of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat, which I guess is, like, totally illegal. ... It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Our government right now is still trying to work out a bailout for the auto industry. Yesterday, President Bush said, 'It's hard to tell if a deal with the automakers is imminent.' Then Bush said, 'It's also hard to tell if the big hand's on the 11 or the 12.'" --Conan O'Brien

Friday, Dec 19, 2008

#1065

Late Night From 12/09
Part 2

"Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Fran Drescher's in the news. Fran Drescher, who starred in 'The Nanny,' says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's senate seat. Unfortunately, the seat has already been promised to Mr. Belvedere." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he's sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist." --Conan O'Brien

"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien

"Now folks, the word 'jag-off,' it gets thrown around pretty casually in Dec. 9, 2008

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno

"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno

"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno

"And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don't know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [on screen: a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer!" --Jay Leno

"We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is." --Jay Leno

"I tell you how sneaky show business is. Did you hear what CBS announced today? Did you hear about this? Yeah, they're moving Letterman to 9:59. I couldn't believe it." --Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of blagojeviching." --David Letterman

Saturday, Dec 20, 2008

#1066

Late Night From 12/09
Part 3

"Spitzer was a lot more fun and a lot easier to say, too. Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, 'Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don't think so. At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. '" --David Letterman

"Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'" --David Letterman

"But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, 'We've got to have $25 billion.' Congress said, 'You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'" --David Letterman

"I love New York City, especially at the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, today, Sarah Palin went out and shot a Norway spruce." --David Letterman

"The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago of charges of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat, which I guess is, like, totally illegal. ... It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Our government right now is still trying to work out a bailout for the auto industry. Yesterday, President Bush said, 'It's hard to tell if a deal with the automakers is imminent.' Then Bush said, 'It's also hard to tell if the big hand's on the 11 or the 12.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Fran Drescher's in the news. Fran Drescher, who starred in 'The Nanny,' says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's senate seat. Unfortunately, the seat has already been promised to Mr. Belvedere." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he's sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist." --Conan O'Brien

"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien

"Now folks, the word 'jag-off,' it gets thrown around pretty casually in today's society. Perhaps a little too casually. Hey, the light's green, jag-off. Hey, what are you two jag-offs in the Yankee hats? Why did CBS take the show 'Jag' off? What kind of jag-off would do that? But a lot of those people aren't really jag-offs. Some are jerks, or d***s or j***-offs. It's a real privilege to see a true jag-off in action. Take Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, speaking just yesterday at a Chicago workers' rally, answered rumors that he was, for some reason, under investigation [on screen: Blagojevich saying people should 'feel free' to tape his conversations, and that 'everything' he says and does is 'lawful']. This man has nothing to hide, except perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is it's something like 'bribe me.'" --Jon Stewart

"Now, denying you've done something unlawful doesn't make you a jag-off. Daring someone tape your phone calls does not make you a jag-off. This is what makes you a jag-off [on screen: reports that Blagojevich tried to sell Obama's Senate seat. Some quotes from Blagojevich include many swears]. Holy f-ing bleep. Is this guy a governor, or Lil' Wayne?" --Jon Stewart

"It took Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald took two years to pin down Scooter Libby for obstruction of justice. ... It took him six weeks for jag-off Blagojevich to hand the prosecutor this low-hanging fruit [on screen: Fitzgerald saying that Blagojevich said the Senate seat is 'a bleeping valuable thing. You just don't give it away for nothing']. For God's sakes, it's like hunting cows. I mean, can you make it any easier?" --Jon Stewart

"Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, the evidence that the governor was selling the seat is highly suspect. All he was caught on tape saying was, 'I've got this thing and it's f***ing golden, and I'm just not giving it up for f***ing nothing.' He could have been talking about anything! He could have been pawning his wedding ring or selling golden retriever puppies out of his trunk. Or you know what? He was probably just holding Rue McClanahan for ransom. ... But if it is true, this is a disgrace. Patrick Fitzgerald said it best [on screen: Fitzgerald saying Blagojevich 'has taken us to a truly new low.' A new low in dumb! Governor Blagojevich, you knew you were under investigation and you used your own phone!" --Stephen Colberttoday's society. Perhaps a little too casually. Hey, the light's green, jag-off. Hey, what are you two jag-offs in the Yankee hats? Why did CBS take the show 'Jag' off? What kind of jag-off would do that? But a lot of those people aren't really jag-offs. Some are jerks, or d***s or j***-offs. It's a real privilege to see a true jag-off in action. Take Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, speaking just yesterday at a Chicago workers' rally, answered rumors that he was, for some reason, under investigation [on screen: Blagojevich saying people should 'feel free' to tape his conversations, and that 'everything' he says and does is 'lawful']. This man has nothing to hide, except perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is it's something like 'bribe me.'" --Jon Stewart

"Now, denying you've done something unlawful doesn't make you a jag-off. Daring someone tape your phone calls does not make you a jag-off. This is what makes you a jag-off [on screen: reports that Blagojevich tried to sell Obama's Senate seat. Some quotes from Blagojevich include many swears]. Holy f-ing bleep. Is this guy a governor, or Lil' Wayne?" --Jon Stewart

"It took Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald took two years to pin down Scooter Libby for obstruction of justice. ... It took him six weeks for jag-off Blagojevich to hand the prosecutor this low-hanging fruit [on screen: Fitzgerald saying that Blagojevich said the Senate seat is 'a bleeping valuable thing. You just don't give it away for nothing']. For God's sakes, it's like hunting cows. I mean, can you make it any easier?" --Jon Stewart

"Of course, the evidence that the governor was selling the seat is highly suspect. All he was caught on tape saying was, 'I've got this thing and it's f***ing golden, and I'm just not giving it up for f***ing nothing.' He could have been talking about anything! He could have been pawning his wedding ring or selling golden retriever puppies out of his trunk. Or you know what? He was probably just holding Rue McClanahan for ransom. ... But if it is true, this is a disgrace. Patrick Fitzgerald said it best [on screen: Fitzgerald saying Blagojevich 'has taken us to a truly new low.' A new low in dumb! Governor Blagojevich, you knew you were under investigation and you used your own phone!" --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Dec 21, 2008

#1067

Late Night From 12/10
Part 1

"Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Governor Blagojevich. Today -- coincidence -- today is his birthday. So for the second day in a row, Federal agents jumped out and yelled, 'Surprise!'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, the White House sent out a memo listing President Bush's successes and accomplishments. Actually, it's not so much a memo as it is a Post-it note." --Conan O'Brien

"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel

"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?" --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I'm saying that right. He was arrested for conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. ... Let me tell you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United States Senator." --Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the Oval Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it's a very rare occasion." --Jay Leno

Monday, Dec 22, 2008

#1068

Late Night From 12/10
Part 2

"And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC's 'Nightline' the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he's actually a Methodist." --Jay Leno

"And today, in Hollywood, some same-sex marriage supporters urged people to call in gay and not go to work to show how much our country relies on the gay and lesbian people in the workforce. Interesting idea, but it kind of backfired here in Hollywood. When they called in, there was nobody there to answer the phone." --Jay Leno

"So, how does that work? When you call in gay to take the day off, do you have to prove it? Do you have to have a note from another gay guy? Does the note have to be signed and notarized by another gay person to make sure?" --Jay Leno

"But today, Senator Larry Craig called in not gay. Actually, he tapped the message in code with his foot." --Jay Leno

"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman

"We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this guy? Blagojevich is charged with corruption and apparently he was stealing a lot of money, getting a lot of bribes and kickbacks and hiding them in his hair." --David Letterman

"But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics." --David Letterman

"One guy, he was going to charge 150,000 dollars for the Senate seat, 200,000 dollars for the cup holder." --David Letterman

"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"So what did this cat Blagojevich do, other than his childhood work as the model for Bob's Big Boy? [on screen: photo of Bob's Big Boy]. [on screen: a montage of news reports outlining Blagojevich's crimes]. Actually, let me just make this simpler. What isn't he being charged with? [on screen: a quote from the movie 'Fletch Lives,' in which a character saying 'Molesting a dead horse']. I assume that's hyperbole. Currently, he hasn't done anything that rises to the same level of evil as necrophilic beastiality [on screen: reports that Blagojevich withheld funds for a children's hospital because he didn't get the $50,000 in campaign donations he wanted from the director]. You're better off f***ing a dead horse. Blagojevich was shaking down a children's hospital. No doubt under the auspices of his charitable foundation, 'Take-a-Wish.' They kill sick children's dreams." --Jon Stewart

"Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzpatrick summed up the obvious [on screen: Fitzpatrick saying, 'There's politics and there's crime, and sometimes, I think when people get in trouble, they try and blur those lines']. Yes, you can get in trouble if you blur the line between politics and crime. Although, I can safely say you can get in trouble for blurring the line between anything and crime" --Jon Stewart

"Now, perhaps the toughest thing for Governor Blagojevich is that today, December 10, is his birthday. ... First, indicted Senator Ted Stevens loses the Alaska election recount on his birthday. And now this. In fact, Hallmark has come up with a new category of cards birthdays/federal indictments. I've got one right here. 'Hey, you're not over the hill, you're in federal custody!' Big sellers." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor

Tuesday, Dec 23, 2008

#1069

Late Night From 12/11
Part 1

"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it's getting pretty serious. President-elect Barack Obama has called for Blagojevich to resign, but he refused. He refused a directive from the next President of the United States, to which Hillary Clinton said, 'So?'" --Jay Leno

"And of course, the bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there's no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can't even pronounce his name." --Jay Leno

"People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he was willing to do anything for money. That's why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country -- let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That's what we do." --Jay Leno

"And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he's half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved. A car czar. What democracy has a czar?" --Jay Leno

"Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno

"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno

"And according to 'The Washington Post,' during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy." --Jay Leno

Wed., Dec 24, 2008

#1070

Late Night From 12/11
Part 2

"A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months." --Jay Leno

"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno

"By the way, you know who is on the program tonight? Senator John McCain. Now he shows up. By the way, he thinks the campaign is still going on." --David Letterman

"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman

"Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what, Illinois is getting a new governor." --David Letterman

"They've been doing some research into Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Have you seen this guy? Well, it turns out that thing on his head actually mated with that thing on Donald Trump's head. It's getting ugly." --David Letterman

"Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, 'If he wants to call and talk to me, it's $4.99 a minute.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to an article about President Bush's fitness routine that just came out, during his Presidency, Bush has spent 2,500 hours walking on a treadmill. Yeah. Bush said he only wanted to be on the treadmill for 45 minutes but he couldn't figure out how to turn it off." --Conan O'Brien

"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed ]auto industry bailout deal). Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards']. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards [is] not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart

"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards']. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Dec 25, 2008

#1071

Late Night From 12/12

Merry Christmas

"Here's an interesting story. According to the Washington Post, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on various exercise machines during his time in the White House. That's a lot. I guess during retirement he's just going to read a lot of classified memos." --Jay Leno

"A Senate Republican said today they want Bill Clinton to testify at Hillary Clinton's secretary of state confirmation hearings. And if he does testify, this could be the first time he could truthfully say under oath, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says the budget crisis in California is only getting worse. He said it is so bad, we may have to start selling Senate seats here." --Jay Leno

"This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch -- is that his name? -- I keep saying it wrong. ... Well, they always do this. He invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection." --Jay Leno

"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno

"Sources say that Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. is Senate Candidate Number Five, whose emissary allegedly told Governor Blagojevich that, in return for Jesse being appointed as Barack Obama's replacement to the U.S. Senate, the governor would receive as much as $1 million. Now, if this turns out to be true, this could be the worst setback for the Jackson family since the invention of DNA paternity tests." --Jay Leno

"Hey, kind of an emergency today. There was smoke coming from the Capitol Visitors Center in Washington, DC, a small fire. So far, arson investigators have narrowed it down to three suspects: head of General Motors, head of Chrysler, head of Ford. Could be any one of them!" --Jay Leno

"Five years ago tomorrow, I believe, you know what it was? We have an anniversary. They captured Saddam Hussein. Captured Saddam Hussein. Yeah. You know who gets a really big kick out of that? ... Bin Laden. He just thinks that's the funniest thing" --David Letterman

"President Bush's term is winding down, and all these articles are coming out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine ... the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That's true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he's powering the plane." --Conan O'Brien

"The Blagojevich scandal continues. Earlier this week, of course, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was accused of auctioning off a Senate seat to the highest bidder. Now his approval rating is at 8%. Yeah, when he heard this, Blagojevich said, 'Eight? Do I hear a nine? 10?" --Conan O'Brien

"When Vice President-elect Biden takes office next month, he's going to have a new family member on hand: a German Shepherd puppy. Biden has had three German Shepherds in the past, and he likes them because they're smart and they're quick learners. Which will come in handy, because as you know, the vice president's dog is always standing by in case President Obama's dog becomes incapacitated." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And this particular dog, he's only a month old. Already, Biden taught him a trick. He already learned how to put his foot in his mouth. Isn't that cute?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And not only will the new puppy serve as a pet, until he gets big enough to be home alone, he will also serve as the vice president's toupee [on screen: a photo of Biden with the puppy sitting on his head]." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair." --Amy Poehler

"Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler

"Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." --Amy Poehler

Friday, Dec 26, 2008

#1072

Late Night From 12/15
Part 1

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"You know who it is a great day for? Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who still has his job. He didn't resign. Everyone thought he would. Looks like his plan is to keep hanging on, even though the game is over. Political experts call this strategy 'the Hillary Clinton.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

"When a journalist throws his shoes at the President, if you're a late night talk show host, you go, 'Aaahhh!' Good times. It's like when Cheney shot his lawyer. You go: 'Aaaahhhh! Well, that's tonight's show taken care of.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Bush was amazing. You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes?" --Craig Ferguson

"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson

"The irony of all of this is of course that this shoe-throwing incident is as close as we'll ever get to finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Craig Ferguson

"The shoe-throwing journalist has got his supporters because today in Iraq, thousands of people took to the streets. They were all chanting in unison all day long. And do you know what they were chanting? Now I'm not making this up. They were chanting, 'Bush, Bush listen well, two shoes on your head!' Well, I think the President must be devastated by that. If John Kerry had used that chant four years ago, he would have won!" --Craig Ferguson

"The bright side to all of this is the Iraqi economy must be going well if a guy can afford to throw a perfectly good pair of shoes. Journalists over here can't even afford a pair of flip-flops." --Craig Ferguson

"The shoe-throwing journalist is in jail. He didn't think this through, though. I mean, if you're a journalist and you're unhappy with a politician, why don't you just write something down? You're a journalist! You can even get it printed in a newspaper! Doesn't he know that the pen is mightier than the shoe?" --Craig Ferguson

Saturday, Dec 27, 2008

#1073

Late Night From 12/15
Part 2

"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno

"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Bush administration said they are ready to step in now and help the auto industry. And believe you me, whenever the Bush administration gets involved in something, it is solved immediately. So, I think we'll be fine on that front." --Jay Leno

"Well, the latest talk is that Caroline Kennedy wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. She wants Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. In fact, today, Caroline Kennedy got a call from Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich saying, 'How much you willing to pay for it?'" --Jay Leno

"In an unprecedented move, the Illinois Attorney General has asked the High Court to strip Governor Bla-son-of-a-bitch -- is that his name? I can never get it right -- of his powers and declare him unfit. See, that would never happen here in California. See, they would declare our governor too fit." --Jay Leno

"And at a press conference this week, Jesse Jackson Jr., who is Candidate Number 5 for the Senate seat, strongly denied that he did anything wrong or improper. But now people are saying his brother might be involved. They say Jesse Jackson Jr. could be punished politically for what his brother did, to which Jeb Bush said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"And speaking on ABC's Sunday morning show, 'This Week,' John McCain said that Sarah Palin could not necessarily count on his support if she runs for president in 2012. McCain said 'we have some other great, young governors out there.' Yeah, too bad he didn't pick one of them to run with." --Jay Leno

"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

Sunday, Dec 28, 2008

#1074

Late Night From 12/16
Part 1

"How about that guy that heaved his shoes at the president? Of course, everybody is saying well, what happened to the Secret Service? Good question. Where is the Secret Service? From now on, alright, take off your shoes. It's going to be that way. You want to see the president? Alright, slip out of those shoes."  --David Letterman

"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News."  --David Letterman

"But I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction."  --David Letterman

"I don't know. Listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. Here's something that happened. The Electoral College has officially elected Barack Obama as president of the United States. I don't know anything about politics or elections, but boy, it's really starting to look bad for John McCain." --David Letterman

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current administration, of course, is winding down, not just President Bush, but everybody is sort of talking about the eight years. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he reflected on his eight years in office. Yeah. And he turned into a bat and disappeared in a puff of smoke." --Conan O'Brien

"I was impressed by how nimbly President Bush was able to dodge those shoes. I know he's got a lot of dodging experience from his years during the Vietnam War, but this was pretty slick." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, this is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Dec 29, 2008

#1075

Late Night From 12/16
Part 2

"As you know, the Bush administration has a new slogan: 'Duck!'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush took a surprise trip to Baghdad over the weekend and had a press conference with the Iraqi premier. A reporter threw his shoes at him, almost hit him. And the guy who threw the shoes, this guy was so angry, he was so anti-Bush, at first people just assumed he was an American journalist, but no." --Jay Leno

"In fact, to give you an idea how bad the economy is in Iraq, the shoes that were thrown at Bush came from Payless." --Jay Leno

"And it's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million." --Jay Leno

"And it's not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job." --Jay Leno

"God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno

"And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger question, but hey." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Dec 30, 2008

#1076

Late Night From 12/17
Part 1

"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien

"The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah Party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno

"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno

"The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama picked another Cabinet member, former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, to be his agricultural secretary. Vilsack! Doesn't that sound like a condition you should see your urologist about? 'Excuse me doc, has the nurse left the room? It's my vilsack. Seems inflamed.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno

Wed., Dec 31, 2008

#1077

Late Night From 12/17
Part 2

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

"Everybody looks forward to 'Time' magazine naming their 'person of the year.' And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. That's right. Finally, things are starting to go his way." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin also honored today. She was named 'person of the year' by LensCrafters. And in about an hour, they'll name somebody else." --David Letterman

"We're talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It's entitled 'I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'" --David Letterman

"Anthropologists have found -- and this is crazy -- a well-preserved brain. They believe it's from the Middle Ages. Here's the surprise. They found it in the head of Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq. And I said to myself, 'Well, that's good enough for me, by God.'" --David Letterman

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of the president, in a recent interview, President Bush said that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Yeah. Unfortunately, the question the interviewer asked was, Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq? He just wanted to talk about the baseballs." --Conan O'Brien

Thurdsay, Jan 1, 2009

#1078

Late Night From 12/18

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno

"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno

"And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That's almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.'s man of the year." --Jay Leno

"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah Party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr."  --Conan O'Brien

"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's barber." --Conan O'Brien

"The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes." --David Letterman

"Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton suggested the VIP room at Hooters." --David Letterman

Friday, Jan 2, 2009

#1079

Late Night From 12/22

"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman

"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman

"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him."  --Jay Leno

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno

Saturday, Jan 3, 2009

#1080

Late Night From 12/23

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien

"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas Party." --David Letterman

"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back." --David Letterman

"And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money.
One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." --David Letterman

"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, 'Dear president Bush, I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you.' And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" --David Letterman

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno

"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Jan 4, 2009

#1081

Happy New Year
Will return after a vacation

Monday, Jan 5, 2009

#1082

Happy New Year
Will return after a vacation

Tuesday, Jan 6, 2009

#1083

Happy New Year
Will return after a vacation

Wed., Jan 7, 2009

#1084

Happy New Year
Will return after a vacation

Thurdsay, Jan 8, 2009

#1085

Happy New Year
Will return after a vacation

Friday, Jan 9, 2009

#1086

Happy New Year
Will return tomorrow

Saturday, Jan 10, 2009

#1087

Late Night From 01/05

"Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know?" --David Letterman

"Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago and headed for Washington, D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sold Obama's house." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of an awkward moment. They asked President Bush what his New Years resolution was, and he said, 'Well, sure, our government needs work, but there's no reason to start a resolution.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Israel is at war with Hamas. Israel says the reason they attacked Gaza was, they were sick of being hit by Palestinian missiles. You know who is really tired of it? The manager of the Target store in Jerusalem. He's fed up." --Jay Leno

"And a special holiday message was delivered by the Iranian president. It aired on British TV Christmas Day, and in this message, the Iranian president said that if Jesus were alive today, he would be standing next to him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure Jesus would be wearing an 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt, too." --Jay Leno

"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno

"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first full day in Washington since coming back from his vacation in Hawaii, but no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced this weekend that he is withdrawing his nomination to be Commerce Secretary because of a grand jury investigation involving some of his political donors. And once again, President Bush, not really following this story. Like, when he heard there was a problem with the governor of New Mexico, he said, 'Well, he should be deported.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Jan 11, 2009

#1088

Late Night From 01/06
Part 1

"And the sad thing is, this Burris guy is kind of caught in the middle of this whole thing. Because legal analysts say in appointing the senator, Blagojevich may have actually acted legally. He may have acted legally. God, there's a first time for everything, huh?" --Jay Leno

"I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly." --Jay Leno

"And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as 'very sick.' That's what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Jan 12, 2009

#1089

Late Night From 01/06
Part 2

"On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?" --David Letterman

"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman

"Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter and former President Bill Clinton. So that's like an historic luncheon. It will be Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. At least that's what Bill is telling Hillary." --David Letterman

"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman

"The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact." --David Letterman

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"Well, let's see what's going on. Unemployment is up again, especially if you're the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work." --Jay Leno

"Well, today on Capitol Hill, Roland Burris, who is Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that his name? Blagojevich, Blagojevich. He's the guy appointed to fill Barack Obama's seat. He was turned away and denied his seat in the Senate. Yeah, it's the worst thing that happened to a guy named Burris not involving a gun and a pair of sweatpants." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Jan 13, 2009

#1090

Late Night From 01/07
Part 1

"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting an 'extraordinary gathering.' In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and President-elect Barack Obama did have a historic lunch with the three former presidents. Yeah. Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date. " --Conan O'Brien

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, some political experts were really surprised that Obama's pick for surgeon general is mainly known for talking about health care on television, but apparently Obama got the idea from President Bush, who once tried to appoint the cast of 'Scrubs.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what they talked about behind closed doors, but the presidents didn't have much to talk about in front of the cameras. Listen to Clinton here trying to make small talk with President Bush [on screen: Clinton tells Bush that he loves the rug he selected for the Oval Office]. He said 'I love this rug.' In other words, note to Obama, you might want to get that thing dry cleaned." --Jimmy Kimmel

"What has happened to Obama's transition? What a mess! I mean, the next four years are going to be a disaster! Oh, America's finished. Last week, Obama's choice for commerce secretary, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, withdrew his nomination due to an on going investigation into charges he was smuggling another face under his face [on screen: an unflattering photo of Richardson where he appears to have a double chin]. Now, like any administration official who steps down, Richardson is sure to write a tell-all book, a blistering account of his two weeks deep inside the Obama administration [on screen: a fake copy of Richardson's 'new book,' called 'Fortnight in History']. Maybe he'll spill the beans about his one phone call with the president-elect. Did his call waiting beep? And perhaps we'll finally find out who's responsible for the faulty intelligence he received that bolo ties are cool." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Jan 14, 2009

#1091

Late Night From 01/07
Part 2

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman

"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman

"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'" --Jay Leno

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Jan 15, 2009

#1092

Late Night From 01/08
Part 1

"Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington? I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats. You know where they put me? I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich." --David Letterman

"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

"It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta." --David Letterman

"But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches." --David Letterman

"There was a historic meeting in Washington this week. Yesterday, Barack Obama and all the presidents met at the Oval Office. Did you see it? All the living ex-presidents were there. Jimmy Carter, George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney. All of them were there." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward, because Barack Obama didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common." --Jay Leno

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it's about time. Don't you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch 'Dancing with the Stars' openly." --Jay Leno

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

"And the World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets." --Jay Leno

Friday, Jan 16, 2009

#1093

Late Night From 01/08
Part 2

"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It's called 'Homeland Security USA,' or, as they call it in Afghanistan, 'the Terrorist Learning Channel.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, that's the name of the show: 'Homeland Security USA.' I think that's better than the original title, which was 'Hey, Not So Fast, Ahmed.'" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'" --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, 'Thanks, but we'll stick to downloading porn.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, during his speech, it's interesting, Barack Obama said, 'It will soon be too late to change course if we don't take dramatic action as soon as possible.' It's a quote, yeah. And Obama said the same thing about NBC's prime-time lineup." --Conan O'Brien

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien

"Marvel Comics just announced that President-elect Obama is going to be featured in an upcoming edition of 'Spider-Man.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'Okay, now I'm jealous. He gets to meet Spidey.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is kind of cool. In Washington, the National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. Yeah. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men." --Conan O'Brien

"It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don't worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she'd been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it's probably for the best. You can't trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Bushes, by the way, aren't the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that's missing too. But I'll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is interesting [on screen: a photo of Obama, shirtless in Hawaii]. This is a picture of Barack Obama vacationing in Hawaii over the holidays. He was coming out of a gym, and got a lot of attention because I don't know that any of us have ever seen a president's nipples before." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Jan 17, 2009

#1094

Late Night From 01/09

"Here's good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One." --David Letterman

"And Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington [on screen: audience cheers and claps]. Now, how is that going to make him feel? He's here tonight." --David Letterman

"Yeah, but Cheney was busy packing earlier today. He bubble wrapped his water board." --David Letterman

"But Cheney was kind of fun about it. He said that, you know, he only has a couple of days left as the vice president, but he's planning to squeeze in one final heart attack." --David Letterman

"Hey, here's great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that's right. And the new baby boy's name is Tripp. Apparently 'Oops' was taken." --David Letterman

"But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it." --David Letterman

"But it was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician." --David Letterman

"The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?" --Jay Leno

"Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person. There's just not enough money there anymore!" --Jay Leno

"And Blagojevich held a press conference. Did you see his press conference? I love this. He quoted the British poet Tennyson. He quoted Tennyson, which was weird, because usually he quotes the movie 'Jerry Maguire.' 'Show me the money!'" --Jay Leno

"And, you know, I don't think he gets it. When he found out he was impeached, Blagojevich said he has a replacement governor already picked out. He's got somebody ready to move in." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you all see Barack Obama's speech about the economy yesterday? Very sobering. He told Washington, 'We've arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility.' Of course, there's only one way out of it. Spend more money we don't have." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Jan 18, 2009

#1095

Late Night From 01/10

"You know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is moving into the White House with them? Well, if that doesn't get him to solve the economic crisis, nothing will. 'We'll get your own place, Ma. Don't worry!'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the picture of all the ex-presidents? Very impressive standing there. And they all had lunch together. And Barack Obama, you know this guy is nothing if not eloquent. Barack said that the men he met with, these presidents all understood both the pressures and the possibilities of the office of the office of the presidency. But of all of them, Bill Clinton was the only one who really understood the possibilities." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something good for the environment. President Bush recently declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush understands the impact of some of these things. When officials told him this would create the largest marine reserve in the world, he said, 'Great, let's get some of them to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let's see if we can send them over there.'" --Jay Leno

"On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come, in an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous 'I Had a Bad Dream' speech." --Seth Meyers

"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers

"Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth Meyers

"During the meeting, Bill Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, 'I love this rug.' Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle." --Seth Meyers

"On Friday, the Illinois House voted 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich on charges that he tried to sell the Senate seat. The sole dissenting vote was cast by first-term representative Smodge Magojevich." --Seth Meyers

"Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm."

"Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President-elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his BlackBerry, sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his Leap Frog." --Seth Meyers

"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers

"The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was impeached today by the state legislature while he was out for a jog. That's why I don't jog, you never know what could happen. ... He was impeached today on one charge of corruption and three charges of helmet hair" --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Jan 19, 2009

#1096

Late Night From 01/13
Part 1

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Jan 20, 2009

#1097

Late Night From 01/13
Part 2

"For the past eight years, George W. Bush has done his level best to remain entirely unaccountable to the American people. A record number of signing statements, claims of blanket executive privilege for aids, 47 press conferences versus 77 vacations! If ever you thought there was a guy who was just going to back out of the room quietly at the end of his term, this is the guy! But apparently that's not our George. Over the past few weeks, this president is suddenly doing press as though January 20 is the day his album drops. ABC, NBC, CNN, Fox News Sunday, Fox News regular day, 'Fox and Friends,' red fox, the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. All with one important message: [on screen: Bush saying he is 'proud of the accomplishments' of this administration, and that he 'wouldn't worry' about popularity]. Translation: I'm great, you suck. Apparently, President Bush will continue to appear on as many television outlets as it takes to convince us that he does not care what we think. And do you know why? [on screen: Bush saying he read a lot about Abraham Lincoln during his presidency, and he said there were harsh words said about Lincoln while he was president, just like Bush during his presidency]. Yes, no matter what Lincoln did, it seemed that half the country just hated him [on screen: a photo of the Confederate flag and the American flag]. Mr. Still-President, I guess the assumption here is that Lincoln was vindicated by history and that you, too, will be vindicated by history. But I think the problem is you've narrowed your reading list too strictly. For instance, I've got a book, written last year, called 'Warren G. Harding: Even in Retrospect, That Guy Sucked.'" --Jon Stewart

[On screen: Bush saying he 'thought long and hard' about Hurricane Katrina, and whether he could have done anything differently]. Shown a modicum of concern? Come back from your vacation? Not tell the head of FEMA what a great job he was doing? Not have that guy as the head of FEMA? So there could have been some coordination of relief efforts, not pretend that no one knew there was a potential of levees overtopping, that kind of stuff [on screen: Bush asking, at his final press conference, whether he could have done something differently about Katrina, like landing Air Force One in Baton Rouge or New Orleans when security would have been taken away from those cities to watch over him]. You have no idea why people are mad at you about Katrina, do you? You thought it was the plane-landing flyover? You're like a guy whose wife comes home and catches you banging her sister, and you think she's mad at you for not telling her you were coming home early." --Jon Stewart

"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart

Jan. 12, 2008

"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family." --Jay Leno

"Well, all across the country, this is kind of sad, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It's gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can't function. I got an idea. Why don't you hire more people? They're right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!" --Jay Leno

"Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Illinois House voted to impeach Rod Blah-son-of-a-bitch? I get his name wrong. Blagojevich. I'm sorry! I'm sorry. They voted 114-1. Yeah. Shows you how cocky this guy is, he's now asking for a recount. Yeah. Says he could beat it on the recount." --Jay Leno

"Is it cold outside? Yeah! Here’s how cold it is. It is so cold in the Midwest, out there in Chicago, Governor Blagojevich had to put the ear flaps down on his hair." --David Letterman

"It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating." --David Letterman

"President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown." --David Letterman

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

"But the White House dog has to be sociable, has to be friendly, has to be trainable. And yes, those are the same qualities President Clinton looked for in an intern." --David Letterman

"Today, I have to say, it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They're like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you're pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush's last [on screen: the crowd cheers]. No, shh, shh. Don't hide your grief. Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He'd won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Jan 21, 2009

#1098

Late Night From 01/14
Part 1

"One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I'm telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary." --David Letterman

"Today is the ninth anniversary of my quintuple bypass heart surgery, or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'a routine checkup.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he's making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray.
Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel." --David Letterman

"Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They've had a few meetings and he's giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, it seems fitting to me that President Bush would leave Washington, DC, in a state of emergency on the day he leaves office." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Thurdsay, Jan 22, 2009

#1099

Late Night From 01/14
Part 2

"Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I've got a better idea. Why don't you bring some accountants to Washington, okay? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went!" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them!" --Jay Leno

"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno

"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake? Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday morning, on the 'Today Show,' they did a big story about Barack Obama's mother-in-law moving into the White House. Basically, they believe she'll be a big help to the family. Not as big a help as it would have been to have Bill Clinton's mother-in-law living in the White House." --Jay Leno

"And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?" --Jay Leno

"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn." --Jay Leno

"Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno

"Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card. Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, 'Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'" --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden will not go away. There is a brand new bin Laden tape, and they've authenticated it. They know it's a recent tape because bin Laden describes Salma Hayak as 'smokin' hot' on the Golden Globes." --David Letterman

Friday, Jan 23, 2009

#1100

Late Night From 01/15
Part 1

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno

"Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' are over. Actually, that's not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. 'Don't Ask Us What We Did With It, We're Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.'" --Jay Leno

"And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, 'So is paying taxes.'" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?" --Jay Leno

"Here's how cold it is outside. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama plans to close Guantanamo, you know, the big holding center, the big prison, the interrogation center in Cuba. He is going to close that down. And Dick Cheney - I thought this was interesting - Dick Cheney said, 'Oh, fine, sure, I'm going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.'" --David Letterman

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