Jokes of the day

901 - 1000

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

#901

no late night available

Wed., July 09, 2008

#902

no late night available

Thursday, July 10, 2008

#903

Late Night From 07/07
Part 1

"Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno

"No I tell you though, shows you how scary these kind of things can be. Obama's wife Michelle, pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems, although not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay. She was inconsolable!" --Jay Leno

"That shows you what a great country it is, only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called Sincerity!" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"And here's a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican Party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That's what he said, stupid thing, that's what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate." --Jay Leno

Friday, July 11, 2008

#904

Late Night From 07/07
Part 2

"Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice, John McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great ... very sharp." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon, this guy is on top of everything. But Bush said now he's not just for offshore drilling, but now he says he's looking for other alternatives -- like today he supports drilling for solar energy, see I don't think he quite understands, I think he's a little confused" --Jay Leno

"Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now everyone's fine, let me stress, everyone's fine, but earlier today the campaign plane carrying Barack Obama had to make an unscheduled landing due to some mechanical problems. And coincidentally, John McCain's campaign plane, also had some mechanical problems, take a look at this footage. [on screen: black and white old-timey footage of '20's era man on a runway, slowly riding a bike with wings and motor attached. The bike crashes, and the man scrambles to safety as the bike is engulfed by smoke and fire). He was wearing a phonebook in his pants." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, the Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000 seat football stadium. Yeah, 80,000 seat football stadium, that's pretty impressive. Yeah, meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." --Conan O'Brien

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, July 12, 2008

#905

No jokes today

Sunday, July 13, 2008

#906

Late Night From 07/08
Part 1

"Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 on Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Japan for the big G-8 summit, which is going on right now. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news -- we are no longer one of them. I wouldn't say the U.S. economy is doing bad, but you know how Bush got to Japan? Southwest." --Jay Leno

"Yeah. Actually there was one embarrassing moment for the President today at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don't get married." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Listen to this, among the catering guidelines for the green convention, this is true, there will be no fried foods at the Democratic convention. And today, Al Gore announced he's switching his support to John McCain. He said 'That's it, you're a bunch of global warming fanatics!'" --Jay Leno

Monday, July 14, 2008

#907

Late Night From 07/08
Part 2

"See, that shows you the difference between the two Parties, the Democrats have nothing fried, the Republicans like everything covered in oil, so you have a real choice." --Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what's interesting, here's some interesting political trivia for you. The last time that the Democrats had their convention in Denver was when they nominated William Jennings Bryant in 1908. And coincidentally, you know who the Republican nominee was that year? John McCain. It's amazing." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a nasty heat wave gripping most of the nation. In fact, it was so hot today John McCain offered a $300 million prize to the first person who could develop a prune Slurpee." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the other big celebrity divorce trial going on in New York, Christy Brinkley, boy, is that getting sleazy, oh my God. Her husband, Peter Cook, admitted on the stand he trolled the Internet and masturbated in front of strangers on his webcam. ... How creepy is that, admitting to masturbating in front of strangers on the Internet? And today, Senator Larry Craig said 'That was you? Oh! I can't believe it!'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"McCain, of course, also out there. In Denver, a 60 year-old woman was kicked out of a John McCain rally for heckling him. Yeah, afterwards McCain said 'I'm just not popular with young women.'" --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

#908

Late Night From 07/09
Part 1

"Osama Bin Laden's teenage son Timmy Bin Laden has released a poem calling for the destruction of America and the killing of all its allies. Imagine a kid writing something like that. Here's my question: where are the parents?" --Jay Leno

"This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters were interviewed for 'Access Hollywood, and now, right after they did the interview, Obama says he regrets allowing them to be interviewed for television. Says he regrets it. Yeah, John McCain says he also regrets allowing his daughters to be interviewed on television, take a look [on-screen: Two elderly women looking in camera, one with a walker. The other says 'We're voting for Truman!' as her 'sister' smiles and nods)." --Conan O'Brien

"The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium, and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic convention. Those are the two things they announced. Yeah, which begs the question: where are they gonna find 80,000 Americans who don't eat fried food? It's not gonna happen." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., July 16, 2008

#909

Late Night From 07/09
Part 2

"Jesse Jackson is now apologizing to Barack Obama for some extremely crude comments he made about Obama after an interview on Fox News. Jackson didn't know the microphone was on and he said some nasty stuff. So yet another reverend Obama has to distance himself from. What is this, this guy has the worst luck with preachers of anybody I know! Oh man!" --Jay Leno

"Well now, they're now investigating why Barack Obama's loaner charter jet had mechanical problems the other day. Remember, he had to make an emergency stop in St. Louis. ABC News says the jet was previously used by Hillary Clinton. See, so Hillary let Barack borrow her plane and it had problems -- I wonder what that was all about!" --Jay Leno

"And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention, but not the Republican convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset -- both of them." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in Japan for the G-8 summit. Again, another embarrassing incident at dinner. I guess President Bush sent his sushi back cause it was cold. Throw it on the grill a little bit there!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. Yeah. There was an awkward moment when President Bush told the Prime Minister 'Uh, I think I've been in your taxi.'" --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, July 17, 2008

#910

Late Night From 07/10
Part 1

"If you haven't heard by now, on Fox News the other day, during an interview, Jesse Jackson, not realizing the mic was open, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama. I can't say what he said, I'm paraphrasing, he said he would like to 'cut his testicles off.' That's paraphrasing, he used another word. Well today, Hillary Clinton commented on the remarks, by saying, 'I don't know what the big deal is, I say that to Bill at least once a week.'" --Jay Leno

"Jesse 'The Nutcracker' Jackson said, he made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Well that makes it so much better, does it really! I never would have said that if I thought I was gonna get caught! Here's my question, why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on? Right? He's Jesse Jackson!" --Jay Leno

"I saw Obama make a speech, and I think Jesse may have gotten to him. Yeah, just take a look at the speech today [on-screen: stock footage of Obama speaking, but synched to a high-pitched, castrato voice]." --Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child." --Jay Leno

"I don't, I don't think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain's Medicare." --Jay Leno

"Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America 'a nation of whiners' and said the country is only in a 'mental recession.' Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house -- that's all in your mind!" --Jay Leno

"This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things were going so well. We had this big love-fest going! I hope this doesn't, ruin it, in any way!" --Jay Leno

Friday, July 18, 2008

#911

Late Night From 07/10
Part 2

"And, for the first time in American history, Congress's approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don't know how bad that is - the oil companies are at 12%." --Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I've got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don't know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. That's what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien

"Jesse Jackson says he's been trying to apologize to Barack Obama for saying he wants to cut his nuts off, but Obama has not taken his calls. That's the story. Probably Jackson is so mad that Barack won't take his calls that once again, he's threatened to cut his nuts off." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event yesterday, John McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. That's what he said. Yeah, mainly cause all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. 'We should just try, just a little.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Ralph Nader says that this November he expects to be on the ballot in at least 45 states. Yeah. Nader's exact quote was 'I hope to screw things up in at least 45 states.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, I mentioned at the top of the show, by now everybody's heard about this, the controversial comments by Jesse Jackson made while he was waiting to appear on a Fox News program. But just to be clear, I think we should all take a look at those comments, once again. Let's examine them [on-screen: the unaltered Fox footage of Jackson, with captions]. Yeah, well everyone's shocked by that, but what's really incredible is that Fox News says that there's more footage of Jesse Jackson, that apparently he talked for a while, and the other footage is even more embarrassing. I think we're the first show to break this, take a look. [on-screen: Jackson footage again, unaltered, until after the 'wanna cut his nuts out' comment. From there, another voice is synced over footage in stage whisper, captioned and saying: 'I'm gonna take some cutting tools, to his family jewels. I want him to say ouch, when I deflate his pouch. I'll show no restraint, to that which hangs above his taint. It's twice as zesty, when I remove the teste. I have no preference, for his vas deferens. Here's one I'm still working on: When I see Obama, it's a drag, something something, to his pastry bag']" --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, July 19, 2008

#912

No joke today

Sunday, July 20, 2008

#913

Late Night From 07/11
Part 1

"John McCain's economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is in a mental recession. Apparently we're experiencing a mental slowdown. Kind of like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. Apparently no more." -Jay Leno

"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." --Jay Leno

"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?" --Jay Leno

"Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands where I can see them!'" --Jay Leno

Monday, July 21, 2008

#914

Late Night From 07/11
Part 2

"Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be President because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"Jesse Jackson says he's trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama's nuts off behind him and he says that Obama has accepted his apology. In fact, if he's elected, Obama says he'll appoint Jesse Jackson Secretary of 'Nut Cutting.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players." --Conan O'Brien

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is Particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

#915

Late Night From 07/14
Part 1

"Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." --Jay Leno

"Remember Jesse Jackson speaking, when he thought the microphone was off, said he'd like to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And in a rare example of bipartisan support, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho offered to guard them for Obama. How about that?" --Jay Leno

"The New Yorker magazine is coming under fire for this week's cover, showing Barack Obama in a turban, Michelle Obama with a machine gun, and a burning American flag in the fireplace. Show the cover, look at this, look at this [on-screen: The New Yorker cover in question]. It's supposed to be satire, and, yeah, people are really upset. Even Jesse Jackson went, 'What the hell are you thinking?'"

"John McCain's economic adviser, former Texas Senator Phil Gramm, was also coming under fire for calling America a 'nation of whiners.' That's what he said, we are a nation of whiners. President Bush weighed on the issue today, again he doesn't understand these things. Bush said today we are not whiners, the average American still prefers beer, that's what he said today." --Jay Leno

"President Bush lifted the presidential ban on offshore drilling that was imposed by his father, the first President Bush, 18 years ago. But hey, remember Bush's dad also said invading Iraq would be a huge disaster, and cutting taxes would ruin the economy, so what the hell did he know?" --Jay Leno

"Well, President Bush did some research this past weekend, in order to better educate himself on whether or not to drill for oil in Alaska. He said he did technical research on the latest drilling technologies. Ok, he just went to see 'Journey to the Center of the Earth.'" --Jay Leno

Wed., July 23, 2008

#916

Late Night From 07/14
Part 2

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said today he would be interested in serving as Barack Obama's energy czar. At least I think that's what he said, he might have said (Ahnuld voice), 'Yeah, I'd like to have an energy bar,' I don't what he, it wasn't clear, I couldn't understand." --Jay Leno

"Here's kind of an embarrassing moment on the campaign trail today, somebody gave Senator John McCain one of those new iPhones, and McCain thought it was a clicker for the garage door, yeah, isn't really a high-tech." --Jay Leno

"No, a pastor in Frankfort, Kentucky, has been arrested for using poisonous snakes in his sermon. You ever seen those? Using poisonous snakes. God, just when Barack Obama thought he found a church, this happens, he has the worst luck." --Jay Leno

"In a brand new interview, John McCain admits that his staff has to show him websites because he has trouble getting on the Internet by himself. That's what he said. Yeah, yesterday McCain tried to surf the Internet for half an hour before his staff told him he was actually holding an Etch-A-Sketch." --Conan O'Brien

"You can read more about the Phil Gramm-influenced McCain plan to fix the economy in his new position paper 'Walk It Off, America: My Ten-Point Plan For You P*ssies to Learn To Suck it Up.' Seriously! Phil Gramm's comment is offensive in two ways. One, it's insensitive, and two, how does an economic expert not understand, that most of our whining jobs have already gone to India." --Jon Stewart, on Gramm saying that we are a "nation of whiners" and that we're in a "mental recession"

"Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to 1%. [on screen: Obama dressed as Jewish Eastern European tinker next to a menorah]. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' and you're typecast for life" --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, July 24, 2008

#917

Late Night From 07/15
Part 1

"Did you see that Indymac Bank that collapsed here in California? All those poor people waiting in line -- my God. But the Feds say not to worry if your money's in a bank, because the government will guarantee it will be there. Remember, they also guaranteed WMDs and guaranteed New Orleans that FEMA would show up. Consider the source!" --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you something, I think this scandal's a lot worse than the government is admitting. Like today, I went to the bank, not only did they not have my money, they also wanted me to give back the blender they gave me when I opened the account. Man, who would ever guess that those e-mail scams from Nigeria would be more reliable than your local bank?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke about the economy today. Did you hear what President Bush said today? He said, 'I am not an expert.' Not an economist? He's barely even a president. I just wish he had one area of expertise he was good at, you know? Maybe like whittling, something." --Jay Leno

"Well, we're learning more and more about Barack Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle. In an interview, Barack Obama revealed that he and Michelle had their first kiss while sitting on a curb after he bought her a Baskin Robbins ice cream, and then they kissed. I think that's nice. Usually, when you see a guy buying a date an ice cream cone and asking her for a kiss, it's on 'Dateline: Predator.'" --Jay Leno

"Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that's good enough for me. Come on, let's go to the park." --David Letterman

"By the way, during that last joke, Brett Farve came out of retirement and then retired again. I don't know. I feel bad for the guy. Brett Farve says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today, Hillary Clinton said, you can do that?" --David Letterman

"In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Yeah. That's what he said. Obama said not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie. You have to do your Part. That's what he said. That's a quote." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, 'You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia." --Conan O'Brien

Friday, July 25, 2008

#918

Late Night From 07/15
Part 2

"Barack Obama is the subject of a controversial cartoon on the cover of New Yorker magazine. This is the cartoon [on screen: picture of the cover]. They say it's a satirical cover that addresses [the fact that] some people think he's a Muslim. ... In other Obama controversy news, political talk show John McLaughlin is under fire for saying this [on screen: McLaughlin says Obama is what some people would consider an "oreo" because of his heritage]. ... I think Oreo's are delicious. I love them, but McLaughlin is getting a lot of heat. He said he meant no offense, he was just trying to say that Obama would be delicious dunked in a glass of milk. A very fine line when it comes to race and politics" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight is a night of celebration. This great land we live in has reached an exciting milestone in the war on terror [on screen: news coverage saying that the terror watch list added its 1 millionth person]. ... The terror watch list is hitting the big 1-0-0-0-0-0, oh! You know that expression 'kick ass and take names?' It turns out this country is really good at one of those. We take a lot of names. It really is an incredible accomplishment." --Jon Stewart

"Let's try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department." --Jon Stewart

"And by the way, a million people on the list, but it is a tightly managed list [on screen: news coverage of Bush removing Nelson Mandela from the list]. That's good news. The 90-year-old Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, no longer considered a terror threat. Still on the list, of course, painter of light Thomas Kinkade, Elmo's friend Zoe, and Alan Alda." --Jon Stewart

"With a million names on the list, how do you find out if you are on the list? If you are a terrorist? If you are being watched? It's very simple. Go online and Google the 'terrorist screening database' and scroll down to the end. By the time you get to the end, you'll probably be on it." --Jon Stewart

"But as always, nowhere was the anger at the media hotter than in the media [on screen: news coverage talking about how the McCain and Obama campaigns find the cover offensive]. Good for you, media. You should be outraged. How dare the New Yorker magazine present horrible misperceptions about Barack Obama without clearly stating whether or not the allegations are true. That is so your job [on screen: members of the media talking about Obama being a Muslim and having been schooled in a madrassa, among other allegations]. Now we know where the real two dimensional figures are. Television" --Jon Stewart

Saturday, July 26, 2008

#919

Late Night From 07/16
Part 1

"With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said in his press conference our nation's troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think 'basically screwed' is probably more [accurate]." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced today he's gonna visit Israel. He said he's going to stop at the West Bank. To which Bush said, 'the West Bank?' Is that one going under, too?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain spoke to the NAACP today. He went by his rap name, Ol' Cranky Bastard. No, he followed Barack Obama, who spoke there two days ago. McCain had to follow Barack Obama at the NAACP. That's like Wilford Brimley trying to follow Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, McCain has admitted he does not use email or the internet. Yeah. He says he's never really found the need to use e-mail 'cause if people want to reach him they can just get him on his CB radio." --Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about the presidential race? The Democrats look like they're going to be nominating Barack Obama, the Democrat Barack Obama, yes. And Republicans, John McCain is going to be the nominee, probably. Listen to this, John McCain has now vowed to capture Osama bin Laden. Well, by God, I'm glad that's settled." --David Letterman

Sunday, July 27, 2008

#920

Late Night From 07/16
Part 2

"But while you were getting high at 10:20 a.m., still-President Bush gave an impromptu press conference, to talk about the economy. But why 10:20? Well, he obviously hoped to have it wrapped up before 'The Price is Right' gets started. [In Bush voice] I like the way that little man yodels while he climbs the Price Mountain. I always say, I always say, 'Don't go up there, it's dangerous up there!' And of course, 10:20 was the exact time that Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke was telling Congress his take on the economy. What? Scheduling gaffe! I mean, won't the President's talk overshadow the impact of the Fed Chairman's testimony? I mean, I'm sure they're just saying pretty much the same thing, right? [on-screen: Quick jump cuts between footage of Bush and Bernanke, in which the optimistic Bush contradicts Bernanke's more dour assessments]. Wow! Wow! That was cool - it was such an interesting dynamic. One is like a 'glass half-full' kind of a guy, and the other, is an expert on the economy." --Jon Stewart

"According to a new poll -- true story -- most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain. That's what they're saying. They say he has a better smile than John McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out every night and puts it in a glass of water." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Bush gave a press conference about the economy. He said we're in, 'a time of uncertainty.' Yeah. Yeah, then Bush said, 'you know, like that moment after 'Dora the Explorer' ends, but before 'Spongebob' starts?' You're not sure, you don't know what's happening" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain of Arizona was a little bit confused twice in the last two days as he has made references to the country of Czechoslovakia. Unfortunately, Czechoslovakia has not existed for about 15 years -- it's now two countries called the Czech Republic and Slovakia. You'd think a man who was able to memorize every item on the early bird menu at Cocos could get it straight" --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, July 28, 2008

#921

Late Night From 07/17
Part 1

"The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and Partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever." --Jimmy Kimmel "According to the latest Reuters-Zogby poll, 10% of Americans are giving President Bush's economic policy the thumbs up. The other 90% [are] using a different finger." --Jay Leno "You know, sometimes when President Bush speaks, he does not use the best choice of words. You know? Like, today, he said the financial institutions are basically sound, and you can take that to the bank. --Jay Leno "Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don't want to say the financial situation doesn't look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno "And more financial confusion today. Did you hear about this? Unbelievable. Apparently, the government tried to bail out Tyra Banks. Yeah, so I don't know. They get confused." -Jay Leno "See, here's the Part I don't understand. The feds say federal institutions are in trouble for giving money to those already in debt. That's the problem. They gave money to those already in debt. So, why are we paying taxes? Who's more in debt than the government? What, are they $9 trillion in debt? We're giving them more money? We're enablers. We need to stop this." --Jay Leno "Oil prices have dropped again, making it the third day in a row. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell the guy who owns the gas station near my house." --Jay Leno "Analysts say they're not sure why oil prices are falling. But, today, Dick Cheney vowed to get to the bottom of this! Heads will roll!" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

#922

Late Night From 07/17
Part 2

"Yesterday down in the White House lawn, President Bush and all the boys about the together and had a t-ball game. Anybody here ever play t-ball? Let me tell you, one inning of t-ball is the most exciting three hours in sports. And the t-ball, they had a great time. Everybody was going well until Vice President Cheney waterboarded the umpire." --David Letterman

"They are playing t-ball on the lawn of the White House. George Bush and the Vice President and Condoleezza, all the folks down there playing t-ball. Beautiful summer day playing t-ball. Let's see, we've got bank failures all over the United States. Record oil prices. A war with no end in sight. Well sure, let's play some t-ball. Let's go" --David Letterman

"Of course, presidential race is on everyone's mind. Barack Obama works hard the wants to stay in shape. Presidential nominee Barack Obama has been going to the gym. He's also been playing hours of basketball. Yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers." --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader in the news this week. Ralph Nader announced that he is certified to be on the presidential ballot in 12 states. However, doctors say that Nader is certifiable in all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., July 30, 2008

#923

Late Night From 07/18

"President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight." --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"The military trial of Osama bin Laden's driver begins today. Do you know what they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him! How do you catch bin Laden's driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down under the seat in the back of the car? Didn't the guy pick him up every day at his house?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Here's one, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Do you remember Senator Larry Craig? Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig. 63 years old on Sunday. So happy birthday. He has a big Party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls. But if you are going to Larry Craig's birthday Party, it is easy to find the Party, just look for the airport men's room with the balloons" --David Letterman

"We're doing things a little differently tonight. Big show, because Senator John McCain is here. ... You see, normally on Friday we would tape at 4:30, but to accommodate Senator McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Senator McCain wasn't available at 4:30 because that's when he eats dinner." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as 'a total failure.' Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, 'Oh, come on, I've hardly spent any time in my office.'" --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, July 31, 2008

#924

Late Night From 07/21
Part 1

"So why were the biggest of the big media's big dogs there? What did they hope to see? [on screen: Fox News and other network coverage wondering if Obama will make a big gaffe while overseas]. A faux pas. Will he visit a Muslim country wearing his all-bacon suit? Perhaps his zipper will be down? Or maybe he'll start a war." --Jon Stewart

"All right, Barack Obama in the Middle East. Let's see some gaffes [on screen: video coverage of Obama meeting with Iraqi president Jalal Talabani]. All right, he's going to meet with Talabani, the Iraqi president. No way he pulls this off. Okay, here it goes. He's approaching, his hand is coming up. No, he did it! He shook his hand successfully! Oh my God! Beginner's luck. It's beginner's luck. All right, well, how is Harvard going to hold up when he's got to face our troops? Hello Dukakis photo-op, good-bye middle America [on screen: Obama appearing in front of the troops to clapping and cheering troops]. Well, those must be elite troops. Surely, the press will catch him in some unseemly, John Kerry-like wind surfing moment. Oh, here we go, gym full of troops, behind the three point line, Barack Obama taking the Gaffe Train to Blooper Town. Here we go [on screen: video of Obama sinking a 3-point shot in front of the troops]. And ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama, with one shot, has dispelled all rumors of lack of foreign policy experience. Come on, this guy is a newbie. You can't snag one faux pas, one misstep, a blunder, a boo-boo, a brain fart, something small, a geography mixup? [on screen: McCain saying Iraq and Pakistan are neighbors, when in fact, Iran separates the two]. The Iraq-Pakistan border, also known as Iran. All right, that's the stuff." --Jon Stewart

"In fact, so far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama's plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying quote, we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal. God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision" --Jon Stewart

Friday, Aug 01, 2008

#925

Late Night From 07/21
Part 2

"There was a huge reception for Barack Obama in the Middle East this past weekend. People were screaming, chasing him, hanging on his every word. And that was just the U.S. press corps." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's economic adviser Phil Gramm has quit the campaign. The official reason: he was a whiner and all his problems were mental." --Jay Leno

"Well, experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day." --Jay Leno

"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking Part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno

"A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic" --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita." --David Letterman

"Former mayor Rudolph Giuliani took his buddy John McCain to the Yankee game. Yes, sir. And did you know this. It was old white guy day. That's what it was. I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy they would send out to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. Give me the ball, show you the thing. McCain kept asking Giuliani, when's DiMaggio coming up?" --David Letterman

"Let me ask you a more serious question. When you woke up this morning, did you feel a little colder, the country was a little sadder, a little lonelier, a little less hopeful? There's a reason for that [on screen: CNN telling viewers that Obama has left the country]. Don't take our hope away. We miss you. Barack Obama, the living embodiment of goodness and light, the future of human evolution." --Jon Stewar

"He has undertaken his first fact-finding mission to the Middle East as the presumptive Democratic nominee. And thus begins the Daily Show's week-long coverage of: 'Obama Quest: The Legend Begins.' ... Obviously, it's is not uncommon for sitting senators to make this kind of visit [on screen: photo of McCain in Iraq], but Obama's trip is getting more attention than usual. Tagging along were not one, not two, but all three major network news anchors. And as I understand it, on every night of the trip, Barack Obama will give a rose to the anchors he wants to stay. Whoever doesn't get a rose has to go home." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Aug 02, 2008

#926

Late Night From 07/22
Part 1

"Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker." --Jay Leno

"Well, this is Barack's third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home." --Jay Leno

"John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama. You know ... I feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the 'Today' show." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it's gonna be Mitt Romney. See, I don't know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn't it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?" --Jay Leno

"Well, this week the trial began for Osama bin Laden's driver. He was pretty easy to catch. I guess they got him at the airport at the gate. He had a big sign that said 'Osama bin Laden.' That's when they nailed him." --Jay Leno

"I don't think this guy is being totally honest either. Like, he claims he didn't know where bin Laden lives, even though he was his driver. He said whenever he drove bin Laden around, he was always blind-folded." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Aug 03, 2008

#927

Late Night From 07/22
Part 2

"Bin Laden's driver said bin Laden was not a bad client. Yeah, said he was a lot nicer than his previous client, Naomi Campbell. At least he didn't hit him with a cell phone." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay. I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he's done all right..." --David Letterman

"John McCain was talking about this, and he said that the problem is that the border between Iraq and Afghanistan -- they share a common border, that's what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can't find Osama Bin Laden -- we've been searching an imaginary border." --David Letterman

"Oh, by the way ... did you know Osama bin Laden had a driver? Oh, you've got to have a driver. Salim Hamdin is his name. The trial has begun. The charges were terrorism, conspiracy, making an illegal left turn. ... But this guy was a very devoted employee of Osama bin Laden. His driver, I saw him one time at the airport. He's holding the sign up that read 'Deranged Lunatic.'" --David Letterman

"Terrific news for our men and women serving our country overseas. Heidi and Spencer from 'The Hills' have announced that they are traveling to Iraq. As if things aren't bad enough there already." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Aug 04, 2008

#928

Late Night From 07/23
Part 1

"Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I'd like to circumcise him." --Jay Leno

"NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, 'That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain.'" --Jay Leno

"Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is 'Bob Dole.' That's not good." --Jay Leno

"Did you realize that Osama bin Laden had a driver? They caught the guy and they arrested him, and he's now on trial and his name is Salim Hamdan. And here's the thing about this guy. He was a devoted employee. I mean, he loved working for Osama bin Laden. And maybe you saw him at airports. He would always show up at airports waiting for Osama bin Laden. He was the guy holding the sign that read, 'Fanatical Whackjob.'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"But people in the Middle East, you know, they love this Barack Obama, and I think the reason that they love the guy is because finally, [there's] a guy who can pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is in the Middle East. He's in Israel today. While poor John McCain was stuck in a supermarket in Pennsylvania [on screen: McCain speaking in a Pennsylvania supermarket, in front of the cold cuts section]. I think he's in the cold cuts section. Excuse me, senator, can I get the Kraft singles for a second?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Things are not going Particularly well for John McCain. He's way behind in the polls and there's news that barack obama's merchandise is outselling John McCain by four to one. McCain has a strong lead when it comes to sales of the McClapper and the McDiaper, which I wore ... during the Super Bowl. They're excellent." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Aug 05, 2008

#929

Late Night From 07/23
Part 2

"Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of 'Hee Haw.' Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they're not making? Folks, it's getting so these days I'm keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I'm heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that's more than a dollar" --Stephen Colbert

"You might have heard of famous syndicated columnist Robert Novak, best known for his inside Washington scoops, his role in the Valerie Plame CIA outing, and for the paralyzing toxins he releases when startled. Alright. Here's his picture [on screen: photo of Novak]. Obviously not pretty, but trust me, the inside is worse. All right. From what I understand, Robert Novak is filled with fish heads, old license plates and the cure for the cure for cancer. Normally, I wouldn't bring him up, because I know many of you are getting ready for bed. But columnist Robert Novak was a in a news story that, I think, perfectly encapsulates the true essence of the man [on screen: news coverage of Novak hitting a pedestrian in DC]. That doesn't sound like anything. I mean, clearly someone was put in harm's way, but it sounds completely innocent, and not reflecting at all on the blackness of Robert Novak's soul [on screen: DC news report saying Novak didn't know he hit anyone with his car, and reports that the bicyclist who notified him had said there was 'no way' Novak couldn't have known]. Yes! Robert Novak knew he did something wrong, and he just didn't give a s**t. That's the Novak I know and despise. In fact, the only difference really between this and the rest of his career, is that this time, someone stopped him. You know what Washington needs? More vigilante bicyclists! By the way, I will tell you the most shocking part of this story, that Robert Novak drives a black Corvette convertible. The black I get, but the corvette convertible? Sounds like someone is having an end-life crisis." --Jon Stewart

Wed., Aug 06, 2008

#930

Late Night From 07/24
Part 1

"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David Hasselhoff as vice president." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, history shows it's pretty easy to get a big crowd of Germans together. The problem comes when they start marching." --Jay Leno

"Hey, have you heard John McCain's new campaign slogan? 'Hey guys! I'm over here!' Not a lot happening. You can tell McCain is starting to get a little desperate to get publicity. In fact, last night he was photographed leaving A-Rod's hotel room at 2:00 in the morning." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Well, it was leaked yesterday regarding a possible vice presidential running mate. John McCain could be leaning towards Tim Pawlenty. I know what you're thinking. THE Tim Pawlenty? Apparently, McCain wants to lower his profile even more. I'm not even sure who Pawlenty was, so I Googled him and it said 'Who?' ... He's governor of Minnesota, is that what it is? Pawlenty, doesn't it sound like a dish at the Olive Garden? 'Let me have some pawlenty with the meat sauce.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, the price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil companies. 'We got to stop the bleeding!'" --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you know this or not. But right now Barack Obama is in the Mideast, and when he was over there he met with the Israelis, also met with the Palestinians. But not to steal the spotlight, John McCain also had a very busy day. He spent the entire day in the waiting room of Just Tires. But later he went to the park and played checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Juddaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall's crevices. It's typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama's prayer. It reads, 'Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.' Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall." --Stephen Colbert

"But while Obama was speaking to 100,000 adoring fans in Germany, McCain made his own impressive German appearance [on screen: McCain with Senator Lindsey Graham after a meal at Schmidt's Sausage Haus]. Unfortunately, not many supporters showed up, possibly due to his advertising flyers: 'Come to John McCain's Sausage Party.' Senator, excellent job matching Obama step for step, but he has been to a lot of countries, so if you just cover your bases, you might want to hit an IHOP." --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, Aug 07, 2008

#931

Late Night From 07/24
Part 2

"It was time for the most anticipated event on Senator Obama's itinerary: his speech in Berlin. And so, at 7pm local time, a crowd of over 200,000 gathered to listen to Barack Obama. There was dancing, there was the climbing of lampposts to gaze upon the junior senator from Illinois and, of course, the requisite [flag waving]. Hay, I don't want to say anything, but I think your American flags are broken. They're not on fire. When was the last time you saw that overseas? You know, I've got to tell you. There's something about a charismatic leader rallying huge crowds of Germans in a large public square." --Jon Stewart

"But, of course, I'm not the only one who can make lemons out of lemonade [on screen: FNC's Steve Doocy saying Berlin's Victory Column, the site of Obama's speech, is a monument 'linked to Adolf Hitler']. Monument linked to Hitler? He's in Germany! You know how a lot of things in this country can be linked to Kevin Bacon? Well, in Germany, it's Hitler. It doesn't take six steps. Hey, look, Obama's in a Volkswagen. A car linked to Hitler! Overall, pretty strong visual for Senator Obama. But Senator McCain was engineering his own bit of domestic stage craft [on screen: video of McCain visiting a Pennsylvania grocery store]. Campaign cleanup in aisle 2." --Jon Stewart

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in Germany today. A huge crowd turned out to hear him speak. More than 200,000 people cheering him enthusiastically. It's the first time they've seen a black person there since they lost Milli Vanilli." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Obama was in Israel. And, in what some are calling a misguided attempt to appeal to Jewish voters, he was ceremoniously circumcised in Tel Aviv. It's not really true, though. It's a joke. It's not a good joke, but it's a joke." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's been a great week for Obama. To say he say won the photo-op battle this week is like saying Batman did okay at the box office. Let's just recap. Here's Obama this week hitting a long jump shot in front of troops in Afghanistan [on screen: Obama hitting the shot]. And here's John McCain [on screen: McCain speaking in a Pennsylvania grocery store and getting interrupted by an announcement over the store loudspeaker]. He's being interrupted by the supermarket cashier in the prepackaged meat aisle at a grocery store. Things are so bad for John McCain -- I know this is going to seem like a joke -- but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here's what came up: nothing. That's real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn't know how to get on the internet, so it probably won't bother him." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Aug 08, 2008

#932

Late Night From 07/25

"In world news, I guess you've heard Barack Obama [was] elected Chancellor of Germany, ladies and gentlemen. ... As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHOP." --Jay Leno

"You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, 'You came alone, right?" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. He's in London now. And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn't brush his teeth for four days." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the Dalai Lama? Did you hear about this? The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today. He met with John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii." --Jay Leno

"And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. It is Constitution Day in Puerto Rico. So, that's where the constitution went. I knew we weren't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

"And the Coast Guard closed over 100 miles of the Mississippi River after an oil spill of over 400,000 gallons of oil. The federal government leaped into action, and within 30 minutes of the spill, they were there. How does this make the people of New Orleans feel? They get wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, it takes FEMA, what? Six days to show up? A bottle of oil spills, the White House goes 'Noooo! and they're down there." --Jay Leno

Saturday, Aug 09, 2008

#933

Late Night From 07/28
Part 1

"Barack Obama just back from his overseas trip. That's what everyone's talking about. Barack Obama's upset. Did you hear about this? He's angry, 'cause the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer that Obama inserted into Jerusalem's Western Wall. It's supposed to be private, and someone opened it up and revealed it, yeah. Experts say it's even worse than the time the Washington Post printed President Bush's letter to Santa." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Barack Obama visited a doctor, and he received treatment for a sore hip. Yeah, after hearing about it, John McCain said 'If he wants it replaced, I know just the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. Yeah. George Michael says he's been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm not the only one who noticed the press' bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, 'It's pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it's a love affair.' This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain 'maverick,' and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage." --Stephen Colbert

"But John McCain isn't holding a grudge here. No, he's just trying to protect the press, warning them that the new man in their life is not what he appears to be. Because what he appears to be is the president. Obama is giving speeches behind a presidential seal, his new airplane has been nicknamed 'O Force One.' He's even talking like the president [on screen: a speech of Obama's in Israel, in which he says Israel is a strong friend of Israel's]. Needless to say, that statement enraged the Palestinians, who are a strong friend of the Palestinians. This guy is so presumptuous. Hey Obama, this election isn't over until the Supreme Court says it is." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008

#934

Late Night From 07/28
Part 2

"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman

"But there was one little episode while Barack Obama was overseas. He was in Jerusalem, and he was heckled. And he's not used to being heckled, because everybody likes the guy wherever he goes so nobody heckles him. And this woman was just furious and nasty and heckling him, and finally he said, 'All right, Hillary, knock it off!'" --David Letterman

"You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough? ... Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don't know what's less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days." --Jay Leno

"You see where John McCain met with the Dalai Lama? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, the man millions believe goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama." --Jay Leno

Monday, Aug 11, 2008

#935

Late Night From 07/29
Part 1

"There's a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn't said anything, all they say is that he's narrowed the pool of candidates down to 'Not Hillary.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't like this silent picking thing. I think Obama should pick his vice president the old-fashioned way -- put 16 candidates in a mansion, make out with them in a hot tub and eliminate them one-by-one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama was on 'Meet The Press' Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called 'I Wish I Could Meet The Press.'" --Jay Leno

"Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire." --Jay Leno

"Heard about this group called 'Prayer at the Pump'? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan." --Jay Leno

"John McCain campaigning very hard. Last night John McCain appeared on 'Larry King Live.' Yeah. The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute pee break." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama made a big announcement, Barack Obama announced that next month, he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said 'I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'" --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008

#936

Late Night From 07/29
Part 2

And last week was all about Barack Obama, and his unbelievable trip overseas, traveling two continents, dazzling millions of people who come November, can in no way vote for him. But -- John McCain had his own exotic adventure [on screen: McCain saying, 'I had the opportunity of having lunch at Schmidt's Sausage House']. And everyone knows, as goes Schmidt's Sausage House, so goes the Hassenpfeffer Schnitzel Hut." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, I've got great news -- I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn't charge him for an extensive renovation on his house -- including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes [on-screen: Stevens talking about the internet not being a 'big truck,' but a 'series of tubes']. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please -- VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That's not a conflict of interest -- their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Ted Stevens isn't the only Republican struggling right now, so is John McCain. I frankly don't get it, the man's got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation [on screen: McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent 'Wear Clean Underwear' initiative. Of course, if you don't have any sunscreen, you can do what McCain does and wear Joe Lieberman [on-screen: picture of Lieberman piggybacking on McCain]." --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Aug 13, 2008

#937

Late Night From 07/30

"And earlier this week, John McCain had a small mole moved from his temple. To which President Bush said, 'Temple? I didn't know he was Jewish!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there's a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that." --Jay Leno

"And according to the TV show 'Extra,' former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He's in the running to join the cast of 'Dancing with the Stars.' That's true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything's turned around" --Jay Leno

"Nation, I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. 'Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens.' The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime?" --Stephen Colbert

"Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'Shut your piehole.' Good for him." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that next month he's planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Pace yourself, 'cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, Aug 14, 2008

#938

Late Night From 07/31

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being 'all talk and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno

"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn't get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watching 'Jeopardy.'" --David Letterman

"Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It's a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)...her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" --Jon Stewart, on McCain's attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

"Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he's looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he's wrong. Wouldn't Hillary be the best candidate? She's been telling him he's been dead wrong since the beginning on this." -Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he's distantly related to the famous 19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, "Big deal, I went to high school with him." --Conan O'Brien

"The Olympics start the Friday after next. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, and the government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things they do in that country every day. It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Aug 15, 2008

#939

Late Night From 08/01

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on 'Meet the Press' that what he's looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which President Bush said, 'Trust me, that gets old really fast.'" --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno

"In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the race to fill his giant red clown shoes is underway. The most recent Gallup poll has Senators Barack Obama and John McCain tied at 44% each. Obama doesn't seem to have gotten much of a bump in the polls since his big trip to Europe and Middle East last week. One of the criticisms that's being directed at him is that he's been acting like he's already president. But I don't know, I disagree, and I think I have evidence to back me up. We put a quick video together, I don't think Obama's acting presidential at all. Well compare it and contrast it for yourself [on screen: footage of Obama's Berlin speech, with words 'NOT PRESIDENTIAL' beneath it, interspersed with gaffes by President Bush, with 'PRESIDENTIAL' beneath it]" --Jimmy Kimmel

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

Saturday, Aug 16, 2008

#940

Late Night From 08/04

"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." --David Letterman

"Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia. He's gonna visit South Korea, Thailand and China. That's right, yeah. Or, as Bush refers to them, China, China and China. Not a detail guy" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

"You ever notice that Congress doesn't even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three." --Jay Leno

"The three groups you can't trust to make an adult decision, basically. Oh, and I don't know if you noticed this. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic." --Jay Leno

"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, 'Who's John McCain?' So I don't know." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and the McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being elitist and using the race card. Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being old and using the Discover card." --Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe reports that political experts are telling Barack Obama that when he's on vacation in Hawaii, he should stay away from loud Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. Well, isn't that pretty much good advice for any middle aged guy? Do you have to tell middle-aged guys that?" --Jay Leno

Sunday, Aug 17, 2008

#941

Late Night From 08/05

"Hey, you see John McCain was at the country's biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter." --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain's daughter is now writing a children's book based on her father's life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain's early life story is only available through folklore. So there's not much written down." --Jay Leno

"Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Barack Obama had a birthday yesterday. He's 47 years old, which means that Senator Barack Obama and John McCain have a combined age of 147 years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Larry King is getting divorced. Yep. And Larry apparently has had seven wives. Seven wives, he's been married seven times. And I feel bad for Larry, but you know, a lot of people just can't seem to make a go of divorce. Think about it. Seven weddings, my God, Larry is the cause of the rice shortage!" --David Letterman

"Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient." --David Letterman

"President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. ... It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it's is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It's a record! He's now officially -- this is true -- our most traveled president in history. It's a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule." --Jon Stewart

""The tide has finally turned. The polls in the presidential race are tied, in that Barack Obama is winning by slightly less. People are finally seeing this guy for what he is -- a slick hope salesman getting by on platitudes, like his timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq and his 15-point health care plan. It's all so vague." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'energy plan' tire gauges. You see? It's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Aug 18, 2008

#942

Late Night From 08/06

"John McCain was at the big annual motorcycle rally in Sturgis, up there in North Dakota, South Dakota. Is there a difference? Can't we just wake it one big Dakota? And John suggested that his wife could compete in the topless beauty pageant at the motorcycle rally." --David Letterman

"The big presidential debates coming up. Are we still excited about that? Barack Obama wants to debate about foreign policy, and John McCain wants to debate about the big band era." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, here's here's some sad news from the world of broadcasting. You know Larry King? You know who Larry King is. He's getting a divorce. Wife number seven. Yup, wife number seven. Been married seven times. And experts believe if he stays healthy, he could make it to 10. So go get 'em, Larry. Been married seven times, seven weddings, and he apparently now needs elbow surgery from all the cake cutting." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama still continuing to dominate media coverage. The New York Times just did a big piece. They say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he's a black man who doesn't make white people feel threatened. Yeah, yeah. Which explains Obama's Secret Service code name, Al Roker." --Conan O'Brien

"The debates are coming up soon. Yesterday, the moderators for the presidential and vice presidential debates were announced. Two of them are from PBS. That's right. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'They got Burt and Ernie?!'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's a new poll that was done by the Lifetime network that is determined to have more American women who'd rather car pool or go on vacation with Barack Obama than John McCain. 51% for Obama to 31% for McCain. And that 31% fell to just 2% when it was specified that McCain would be driving in that carpool." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better." --Jay Leno

"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno

"Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Aug 19, 2008

#943

Late Night From 08/07

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he's opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie 'Born Free.' Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, 'The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama heading to Hawaii for a vacation with his family. And President Bush commented on that today. He said: 'First Europe, now Hawaii. Maybe he should spend some time campaigning in America.'" --Jay Leno

"And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by that by saying Paris Hilton supports McCain's approach to America’s energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I’m not voting till I hear what Britney has to say." --Jay Leno

"And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden’s driver found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, 'From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check.'" --Jay Leno

"President George Wilhelmina Bush is in China right now. He’s been in Asia this week, with his wife Laura, his daughter Barbara, and the guy who ties his shoes. They are there to watch the Olympics. Now, this may be the last major trip of the Bush Presidency. He is scheduled to take a day trip to Legoland in October, but this is the last big one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 60 heads of state will be at the opening ceremonies, so security is extremely tight in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been required to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. It's sort of like here in the United States, only for them, it'll end in a couple of weeks." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., Aug 20, 2008

#944

Late Night From 08/08

"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In fact, when John McCain heard about the John Edwards affair, he said 'Well, thank God I can't get an erection anymore, whew.' Some problems just take care of themselves." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack Obama's slogan is 'Yes We Can,' Hillary's new slogan, 'No, You Can't." Well did you hear about this? In a stunning announcement, Hillary Clinton is now telling people that she may want her delegates to vote at the convention for her. She hasn't given up yet. She's like Freddy Krueger in 'Nightmare on Elm Street.' It's back!" --Jay Leno

"And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno

Thursday, Aug 21, 2008

#945

Late Night From 08/11

"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

Friday, Aug 22, 2008

#946

Late Night From 08/12

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous! Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote." --Craig Ferguson

"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart

"The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert

Why doesn't the media ever give credence to a single story based on unsubstantiated rumors? [on screen: Dick Cheney saying, before the beginning of the Iraq war, that there is 'no doubt' that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction]. Oh. Touche." --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Aug 23, 2008

#947

Late Night From 08/13

"Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button." --Stephen Colbert

"And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found." --Stephen Colbert

"Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats." --Stephen Colbert

"A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room." --Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Aug 24, 2008

#948

No jokes today

Monday, Aug 25, 2008

#949

No jokes today

Tuesday, Aug 26, 2008

#950

Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe arts festival

1. Zoe Lyons: “I can’t believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She’s so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.”

2. Andrew Laurence: “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.”

3. Lloyd Langford: “My girlfriend said, ‘Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but a gun is easier to conceal.’ ”

4. Josie Long: “When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said ‘oh, two or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.”

5. Tim Vine: “Velcro. What a rip-off.”

6. Stephen Grant: “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn’t it be easier just to talk to a woman?”

7. Edward Aczel: “So far bird flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it’s going to have killed 37 million. It’s got to get going, hasn’t it, if it’s going to be the pandemic we’ve all been hoping for.”

8. Joan Rivers: “Grandchildren can be [expletive] annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

9. Tom Stade: “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.”

10. Jeff Kreisler: “People were outraged because of Barack Obama’s spiritual advisor. I think it’s great he had one. Who was George Bush’s spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?”

Wed., Aug 27, 2008

#951

the Onion 08/26

WASHINGTON—Following Russia's controversial military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made its most direct commitment to the U.S.'s Eastern European allies to date by "strongly advising" those countries not to border Russia under any circumstance. "The United States stands by its allies, but will not be able to defend our friends in the region if they continue to share geographical lines with Russia," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said at a Monday press conference. "We also recommend that those nations who may not border Russia but were once a part of the USSR immediately cease and desist from having had that history with the Soviet Union." Rice later pledged financial aid to the victims of devastating flooding in the West African nation of Togo, effective upon the country first meeting the stipulation of removing itself from under water.

Thurdsay, Aug 28, 2008

#952

Late Night From 08/11

"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

Friday, Aug 29, 2008

#953

Late Night From 08/12

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous! Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote." --Craig Ferguson

"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart

"The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert

Why doesn't the media ever give credence to a single story based on unsubstantiated rumors? [on screen: Dick Cheney saying, before the beginning of the Iraq war, that there is 'no doubt' that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction]. Oh. Touche." --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008

#954

Late Night From 08/13

"Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button." --Stephen Colbert

"And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found." --Stephen Colbert

"Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats." --Stephen Colbert

"A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room." --Craig Ferguson

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008

#955

Late Night From 08/25

"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman

"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)]." --Jay Leno

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Tropical Storm Fay has soaked Florida, ruining thousands of homes, most of them belonging to John McCain." --Jay Leno

"In fact, to make Senator McCain feel at home tonight, we gave him seven dressing rooms." --Jay Leno

Monday, Sept 01, 2008

#956

Late Night From 08/26
Part 1

"Earlier tonight, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic Convention in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth." --Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave." --Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain's campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in December." --Conan O'Brien

"Well the great thing about the Olympics, of course, is you have people who are otherwise enemies putting aside their differences and pretending to get along for a couple of days. I'm sorry, that's the Democratic convention." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic Convention. It was pretty amazing, she gave her entire speech while biting her tongue. Do you know how hard that is?" --Jay Leno

"Dd you all see Michelle Obama's speech last night? Terrific, wonderful speech. You know, it was all the stuff she wanted to say on 'The View,' if she could have gotten a word in edgewise." --Jay Leno

"In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family's living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I mean, I know it's tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see his daughter Sasha interrupt him last night at the convention? She was so cute. Well, last night, John McCain was on our show, and his daughter was in the audience as well, and she was equally as sweet. Take a look at what happened last night with McCain [on-screen: McCain footage cut with an elderly woman waving and saying 'Hi Daddy' from the audience]." " --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience." " --Jay Leno

"It was so nice today in New York City that John McCain is buying a house here. Last week, they asked John McCain, they said, how many houses do you own, he said, 'I'll have to get back to you.' And I was thinking about this, I have two houses, actually three if you count the 'Champagne Room' at Flashdancers." --David Letterman

"And of course, today Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And Bill Clinton was there and Hillary spoke, and Bill cheered and applauded during Hillary's speech, he was cheering and applauding, and so was his date." --David Letterman

"And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa -- moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.'" --David Letterman

"The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver, Colorado. Thousands of pounds of confetti and styrofoam hats and hookers have been shipped in from all over the world. That's what they do at conventions. It wouldn't be a convention without it. I tell you what, the word 'convention' now doesn't seem right to me unless it's preceded by the words 'Star Trek,' right? And since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American nominee, some are calling it the 'Run-DNC.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, Michelle Obama addressed the delegates. She did a very nice job even though she wasn't able to find a babysitter, [and] she had to drag her kids on stage. Their kids, the Obama girls, are adorable, they're so adorable, that some polls are finding that every time Barack has his daughters on TV, he gets a bunch of new votes. And this is such a concern for the McCain camp, that the senator from Arizona is showing his own daughters off in public. Well here they are, Sophie and Rose McCain, the twins, on their way, I guess to a Hannah Montana concert [on screen: McCain with two elderly women in matching outfits]. They're so cute at that age." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Sept 02, 2008

#957

Late Night From 08/26
Part 2

"Still, an emotional highlight to set the stage for the main speaker last night, Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's beautiful, accomplished, angry, communist wife. ... Buts she's just the candidate's spouse. I assume she just has to get through the speech without saying 'F*ck Whitey' (on screen: various cable pundits speaking of the need for her to prove she's 'one of y'all']. Hmm, she needs to prove she's human, eh? Well let's take a look [on screen: footage of Michelle Obama at convo). Clearly bipedal, a chordate, she appears to have five-digit extremities and to possess sweat glands. Wait what's the weird hole in her face?! Oh my God! Oh wait, I have one too. Alright, I'll give you that you're human ... technically. But what about the elitist thing? [on screen: M. Obama talking about her family, and how her father who was a 'blue-collar city worker.'] Ooh, a city worker! La di di, too good for village work, eh? Didn't want to soil his lily blue-collar in the townships!" --Jon Stewart

"So, humanize your family, check. Does she need to do anything else? [on-screen: various pundits talking about the need for her to express patriotism]. She's got to, she's a Democrat. She must prove she loves America. As opposed to Republicans, who everyone knows loves America, they just hate half the people living in it." --Jon Stewart

"So, basically in America's eyes, she needs to go from this [on screen: New Yorker cover of the 'fist bump'] to this [on screen: photo of Laura Bush]. Now, while she may not have accomplished her mission of convincing doubters she's a patriotic human, she can clearly bear live young. And at the end of the night, Mrs. Obama's daughters joined her on-stage for a transmission from a distant starship [on screen: Obama addressing the convo he is in Missouri with a family]. They're my new family now, I've been meaning to tell you. I guess there would have been a better time for this. So, private family conversation on national stage, how'd that go? [on screen: footage of Sasha Obama's interjections]. Isn't that delightful, that little girl won't shut up!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, the highlight for many people last night was Michelle Obama's speech. Listen to the liberal media rave [on screen: Fox News' Chris Wallace and ex-White House adviser David Gergen praising the speech, which New York Times' David Brooks says no one could 'have a heart of stone' about]. Really? Did you see this? [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying he found the speech 'generic')]. To be fair, Bill Kristol does not actually have a heart of stone. He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts. Fortunately, Kristol was not the only commentator who saw through Michelle Obama's facade of warmth, competence and likability. So did Fox News's Megan Kelly [on screen: Kelly interviewing Howard Wolfson over Obama's speech, if you replace her use of the word 'world' with 'country'']. Exactly. Whenever I replace words in Michelle Obama's speech with other words, I am very offended. For instance, every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare." --Stephen Colbert

"Nation, today is the 88th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. So, big surprise, tonight the Democrats chose to have Senator Hillary Clinton to give a speech. Now I love women, in fact, some of my best parents are women. But marking this anniversary is the most blatant pandering to female voters since the creation of female voters. You know, however long ago that happened. It is not the only anniversary the Democrats are exploiting this week. Thursday night, Barack Obama will honor the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech, and all Democrats will honor the 25th anniversary of John McCain's 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day." --Stephen Colbert

"Folks, I just think this is typical of the Democrats: catering to black and female voters while ignoring the anniversaries that are significant to everyday Americans. For instance, tomorrow, August 27th, happens to be the anniversary of the Visigoths' sack of Rome in 410 A.D., where Olerick the 1st gave his inspirational 'I Have A Dream Of Putting Your Head On A Spike' speech. And, Thursday, August 28th, is the 101st anniversary of UPS. What'd the Democrats do? Nothing. You just lost the 'Brown States,' Pelosi. And today, August 26th, is the 29th wedding anniversary of Sam and Lori Doven of Miami, Florida. That's a swing state. If you're not going to honor them, at least call them a little more often, they miss you. Plus, tomorrow is the one-day anniversary of Hillary Clinton's landmark speech tonight. She's not even being asked to speak. That's a core constituency whose needs the Democrats will not have addressed in almost 24 hours" --Stephen Colbert

Wed., Sept 03, 2008

#958

Late Night From 08/27
Part 1

"How about Hillary Clinton last night at the Democratic Convention in Denver? Wasn't that amazing? She wore a bright orange pantsuit. Looked like a CalTrans worker on the Hollywood Freeway." --David Letterman

"Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I'm telling you, Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved." --David Letterman

"And then earlier tonight, her husband Bill Clinton spoke at the convention, and what a great speech, what a tremendous speech. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers." --David Letterman

"McCain and Obama are, as you probably know, ideologically speaking, they are completely different nominees. For example, one offers you hope, and the other offers you a dish of hard candy." --David Letterman

"Coming to work today, I see this guy selling maps to the stars' homes, right next to him, a guy selling maps to John McCain's homes. That's a big thing now." --Jay Leno

"Hey, there's now talk John McCain may choose a woman as his running mate. So there's hope for Hillary yet, she is not out of out." --Jay Leno

"I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night, terrific speech. That tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing -- maybe I'm wrong, but didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. A lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. Now Biden got what, 8,000 votes during the primary, Hillary Clinton got 18 million votes? Well that's logical, sure. What, did Ralph Nader with his 20 votes turn him down, what happened?" --Jay Leno

"And Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the 'full package,' that's what she called him, that's the actual term she used, she called him the 'full package.' Now he's getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Sept 04, 2008

#959

Late Night From 08/27
Part 2

"Well, as you know, the Democratic Convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Don't confuse that with John McCain's convention next week, that's at the Polygrip Center, that's totally different." --Jay Leno

"Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half." --Jay Leno

"And eighty-four year-old Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens won his Senate primary yesterday despite being indicted on corruption charges. He was indicted on corruption charges and he won the primary. He says he wants to get back in the Senate so he can keep working on the new issue most important to him: outlawing prison rape. Yeah, for some reason that's his new issue." --Jay Leno

"And Florida finally starting to dry out from Tropical Storm Fay. President Bush declared some counties disaster areas so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well, I don't think he really understands. Like today, he said it was important to help them down there cause he considers Florida one of our most important allies. For when we fight the Georgians, we're gonna need the Floridians." --Jay Leno

"During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They're being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale." --Conan O'Brien

"The publisher of Simon and Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. Isn't that nice, yeah. That's sweet. They also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets A Hearing Aid.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is one of those sweet stories, a woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. Yeah. You can tell the Jeep is Obama's because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver's seat." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's freshly-minted running mate, Sen. Joe Biden, also spoke tonight, and I have to say, after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name 'Biden' is beyond me. Not that there's anything wrong with the name of Biden, but Obama-Biden, it's like they're trying to make their ticket sound as much like Osama Bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America whose names match up most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world, and they put them on the bumper stickers, very good thinking." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Sept 05, 2008

#960

Late Night From 08/28
Part 1

"Last night, Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United States. And I want to tell you something. I really think things are starting to look bad for Hillary." --David Letterman

"Former President Bill Clinton spoke at the convention last night. And it was sort of sad when in the middle of Clinton’s speech, John McCain wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." --David Letterman

"I do like that John McCain though. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who turns his business over to his son but still shows up at work once a week. “Hey, Randy, let me, uh ? Randy, can I see the invoices? Randy?" --David Letterman

"Oh! This is exciting. John McCain now has finally decided on his vice president. Yeah. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement." --David Letterman

"And then tonight, Barack Obama speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It's the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi." --David Letterman

"Political experts say that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance that McCain will leak something else too." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says he's planning to get his daughters a dog if he's elected president. Most voters asked think he should get a poodle, proving that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a gay first dog." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Sept 06, 2008

#961

Late Night From 08/28
Part 2

"Tomorrow — this is a little fun fact for you — both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"Quite a historic day. Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Barack gave his speech on the historic anniversary of Martin Luther King’s 'I Have a Dream' speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her 'I Had a Dream' speech." --Jay Leno

"At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain has apparently chosen his vice president. He was going to announce who it was, but then he forgot. Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay C.E.O. Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old stuff." --Jay Leno

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Sep 07, 2008

#962

Late Night From 08/29
Part 1

"Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Mahe

"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." –Bill Maher

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'We're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" –Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

Monday, Sept 08, 2008

#963

Late Night From 08/29
Part 2

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." –Jon Stewart

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." –Jay Leno

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." –Bill Maher

"Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?" –Bill Maher

Tuesday, Sept 09, 2008

#964

Late Night From 09/02
Part 1

"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, 'Who is JohnMcCain?' Tomorrow night’s theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the VicePresident’s daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, President Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live viasatellite. Or as Bush calls it, 'live via magic.'--Conan O'Brien

This year there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Conventionin Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota."--Conan O'Brien

"As you all by now, John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate. From what Iunderstand, President Bush very upset with the choice. He said, 'Alaska?Why couldn't he have picked someone from America?'" --Jay Leno

"And we're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently herdaughter's name is Juno." --Jay Leno

"Well there's a lot of controversy about it. Apparently she told McCainabout this weeks ago, but what happened was, I guess she said it intohis bad ear. So he didn't realize." --Jay Leno

"But, despite that, Republicans think she's a pretty good running matefor McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a goodconservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30,and that's important." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day whenhe introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials wherethe daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd likesomeplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"It turns out Governor Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and alife-time hunter. Another vice president who's a hunter. What could gowrong there?" --Jay Leno

"She also admitted she has smoked marijuana, but she did not enjoy it.Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smokedmarijuana, but the only ones who don't seem to enjoy it are the onesrunning for office. Why is that?" --Jay Leno

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came secondin the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. Youknow what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageantcontestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked aboutit for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"Well the Beach Boys kicked off the Republican Convention last night inMinnesota. Only the Republicans would have someone sing about big wavesand surfing during a hurricane. What, were 'Katrina and the Waves' notavailable over the weekend?" --Jay Leno

Wed., Sept 10, 2008

#965

Late Night From 09/02
Part 2

"Well, there was talk about canceling the Republican Convention becauseof Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, atleast not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping outduring the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guyMcCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses.I thought that was good." --Jay Leno

"The good news is Gustav has been downgraded to a tropical storm. Again,I don't think President Bush really understands this stuff. When heheard the levees were fine, he said, 'Thank God, but how are theGoldbergs? How are they doing?'" --Jay Leno

"The convention kicked off with a big mixer for Republican delegates in Senator Larry Craig's airport restroom stall. Easy to spot: it wasthe one with the balloons hanging over it." --David Letterman

"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin, boy, are we. Listento this: it turns out she and her entire family once had achair-throwing brawl on 'Jerry Springer.'" --David Letterman

"By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin familycrisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has beensolved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie."--David Letterman

"Most of the gossip this week is centered around Sarah Palin, McCain'scontroversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a motherof five who's only been running the state of Alaska for two years is theright person to fill out a ticket fronted by a 175-year-old man, andit's especially strange considering the emphasis that Senator McCain hasput on national-security experience. Three years ago, Sarah Palin wasthe mayor of a town with 9,000 people in it. Nevermind nationalsecurity, they barely have mall security in a town of that size."--Jimmy Kimmel

"But Cindy McCain, for one, points out that the governor, Palin, does infact have some national-security experience [Video: Cindy McCainpointing out that Alaska is close to Russia]. Right, she's so close shecan walk right up there and watch them like a neighborhood-watch captainor something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also, it's now come out that Palin's 17-year-old daughter is fivemonths pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, Idon't know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the 'MauryPovich Show' to have been planned. At this point, I'm not sure I trustMcCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you." --JimmyKimmel

"It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter willmarry the young man. He's a fellow high school student of hers. His nameis Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulleddown immediately, but before they did we found out that he's a 'f***ingredneck,' is what he said, and another quote from him, 'I don't wantkids.' Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their theirown Jamie Lynn." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United Stateswith five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own,she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, ofcourse, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callouslyrevealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that GovernorSarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame,media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to bekept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig Paxon,and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert

Thurdsay, Sept 11, 2008

#966

Late Night From 09/03
Part 1

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sexmarriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriageisn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of theNational Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, JohnMcCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log CabinRepublicans. That's true, yeah. They endorsed McCain not so much becausehe supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a logcabin." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. Thefirst ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait aminute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Have you been watching the Republican Convention on the TV? Have you been watching it? I wantto tell you something, and I made a mistake about this, the Republicansactually have a lot of ethnic diversity. They do. For example, uh, waita minute, wait a minute, uh, Joe Lieberman? John McCain lastedfive-and-a-half years in a POW camp in North Vietnam; even he couldn'tget through Joe Lieberman's speech." --David Letterman

"By the way, if you're wondering about this, Dick Cheney did not attend the Republican Convention in Minnesota. Apparently, hehad already scheduled a heart attack, so he won't be there." --DavidLetterman

"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look likea model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman

"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vicepresidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also thegovernor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assaultrifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'llsay this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --DavidLetterman

"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave atremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it wasactually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman

"Hey, the Republican Convention is still going wildin scenic St. Paul, Minnesota right now. Alaska Governor and VicePresidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker tonight. A lot ofexcitement. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth inevery papoose." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, Sept 12, 2008

#967

Late Night From 09/03
Part 2

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of thespotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't havebeen more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which Ithink is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, andthey actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure."--Jimmy Kimmel

"The whole extended Palin family arrived this morning in St. Paul. Theyeven brought the high-school kid who knocked her daughter up along. Hisname is Levi Johnston. That's gotta be a fun trip for him with thein-laws." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator McCain met the Palins as they got off the plane and hadespecially warm greetings for the young father-to-be [Doctored video ofMcCain discreetly slipping Johnston a prophylactic] Better late thannever, I guess." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And, you know, Lieberman's voice reminds me of something. I can't putmy finger on it who that he sounds like [Video: comparing Lieberman toElmer Fudd]."  --Jay Leno

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped inthat state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselvesfrom President Bush, but did you see last night? Did you see when Bushwas speaking by satellite they kept trying to change the channel?" --Jay Leno

"And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention,and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance tofinally meet her, you know, like John McCain."  --Jay Leno

"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it'skinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing butwhite as far as the eye can see."  --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, thecameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience theycould zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour,they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group ofMethodists."  --Jay Leno

"Well the good news: John McCain raised $47 million in the month ofAugust. The bad news? He can't remember where he put it."  --JayLeno

"Well here's some good news: the price of oil appears to be dropping.Energy analysts said $100 barrel of oil is on the horizon. To whichPresident Bush said, 'That's where we should be drilling for oil: on thehorizon.'"  --Jay Leno

Saturday, Sept 13, 2008

#968

Late Night From 09/03
Part 3

"Tomorrow — this is a little fun fact for you — both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"Quite a historic day. Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Barack gave his speech on the historic anniversary of Martin Luther King’s 'I Have a Dream' speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her 'I Had a Dream' speech." --Jay Leno

"At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain has apparently chosen his vice president. He was going to announce who it was, but then he forgot. Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay C.E.O. Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old stuff." --Jay Leno

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Sep 14, 2008

#969

Late Night From 09/04
Part 1

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin - looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska - very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers - no, no, just volunteers." --David Letterman

"But people in Alaska are interesting people. They're different. They're rugged, individualist people. And they have, like the Governor Sarah Palin has some wild ideas. Has some wild ideas - she wants to change the U.S. currency from dollars, wants to change the currency from dollars to pelts." --David Letterman

"And then after the Sarah Palin speech, John McCain comes on stage. Did you see that moment when John McCain comes on stage? And you thought, whoa, something dramatic will happen, and it turned out he was just looking for his glasses." --David Letterman

"And then, earlier tonight, John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn't - I didn't watch that because I'll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I'll watch Regis." --David Letterman

"In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno

"No, Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." --Jay Leno

"And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain's senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? … Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?" --Jay Leno

"They say Palin's speech was written by George Bush's speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno

Monday, Sept 15, 2008

#970

Late Night From 09/04
Part 2

"No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state's luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain." --Jay Leno

"Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn't even know Dick Cheney was at the convention." --Jay Leno

"And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn't it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'" --Jay Leno

"No, Senator McCain already showing tremendous faith in Palin as his vice presidential nominee. Like, did you notice after the speech last night, he came on stage, finally signed that do-not-resuscitate order." --Jay Leno

"All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn't they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'" --Jay Leno

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor, it was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her. But it is not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"One of the convention speakers praised George Bush Sr. for passing the Americans with Disabilities Act, allowing people with disabilities to get hired. Thus, of course, paving the way for his own son to one day become President." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's husband was at the convention last night. And at one point, Palin said her husband's parents were Eskimos. Then tonight, during John McCain's speech, he admitted that his parents were Vikings." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, today it was reported that the speech that Sarah Palin delivered at the convention was actually written by President Bush's speech writer, which explains the title of the speech, 'I Like Trucks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges. … Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve out his full term as Mayor of Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that's a great lesson for kids -- always clean up your own mess." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Sept 16, 2008

#971

Late Night From 09/05
Part 1

"McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher

"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." -Bill Maher

"This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs." -Bill Maher

"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." -Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel

"Fashion Week here in New York City. And a sure sign that it's Fashion Week, all of the guys in the Village are dressed as Sarah Palin." -David Letterman

"You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready." -David Letterman

"Everybody talking about John McCain's big speech last night at the Republican convention. McCain used the word change over 10 times during his acceptance speech, although, nine of those times it was in the sentence, 'Could somebody please change me?'" -Conan O'Brien

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you all see John McCain last night? He gave a great speech. And you've got to admit, he looked so life-like, didn't he?" -Jay Leno

Wed., Sept 17, 2008

#972

Late Night From 09/05
Part 2

"No, McCain came out swinging. I haven't seen him this fired up since they came up with a new Super PoliGrip." -Jay Leno

"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno

"Actually, some Republicans are not that thrilled with the speech. In fact, the rumor is Sarah Palin is thinking of dropping him from the ticket." -Jay Leno

"You've got to admit Sarah Palin really has energized the Republican base. See, Sarah Palin can do what John McCain can't do - send an e-mail." -Jay Leno

"But finally, the stirring anti-climax of ... McCain walking on the rest the Arsenio Hall Show to tell the people that the days of government waste are over [on screen: McCain saying he will veto all pork-barrel earmark requests. McCain adds that he will 'make them famous and you will know their names']. Yeah, like the wasteful, jackass mayor of an Alaskan town of only 6,000 people who requested 27 million dollars in government earmarks, I will make her famous! Oops." -Jon Stewart

"But what was the main thrust of John McCain's message? [on screen: McCain saying business in Washington needs to be changed]. Hmm. That's funny. I think I remember another guy with a very similar message [on screen: Obama talking about change]. No. No. No, no, not that guy [on screen: President Bush in 2000 saying he wants to 'change' Washington]. That's the guy! I remember that! He's going to change the tone of Washington. How did that work out?" -Jon Stewart

"I'm sure the change that John McCain wants to bring is very different from the change George Bush wanted to bring [on screen: video montage of speeches from Bush in 2000 and McCain this year talking about various ways of changing Washington -- all of them mirror each other]. Things are really going to be different now." -Jon Stewart

Thurdsay, Sept 18, 2008

#973

Late Night From 09/08
Part 1

"The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election." --Jay Leno

"It surprised me. It looks like John McCain's speech last week beat Barack Obama's speech in the ratings. Isn't that amazing? Honest to God. That's like 'American Idol' being beaten by a rerun of 'Matlock.'" --Jay Leno

They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Governor Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek? Look, she's holding a shotgun. Holding a shotgun. This picture was taken right after she announced that guy would be marrying her pregnant daughter." --Jay Leno

" A lot of people now are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience. They say she won't be able to deal with other countries. But is that a big deal? I mean, hey, how many foreign countries even talk to us anymore? See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno

"They asked her if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said 'We'll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, 'Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!' There is no room for that kind of talk." --Jay Leno

"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno

"The Republican convention is over, the Democratic convention over. Just one left. Next week, Ralph Nader's convention. It'll be at his apartment. He says you have to park on the street." --Jay Leno

"In international news, 60% of the people in the country of Jordan say they find Americans to be rude. Actually, that's not so bad, when you consider 60% of people in other Middle Eastern countries think we're Satan. ...We're moving up!" --Jay Leno

"Today, listen what happened out there in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Senator McCain was there with Sarah Palin. And they were having lunch at a diner, is what they were doing. And I thought this was so sweet. She, I mean I don't know, how long has she been on the ticket, a week, maybe two weeks? They were there having lunch at the diner and she's cutting his meat for him." --David Letterman

Friday, Sept 19, 2008

#974

Late Night From 09/08
Part 2

"John McCain is old. And I had some friends of mine call me to tell me this. You don't have any idea how old he is. Listen to this, he is so old that his blood type has been discontinued." --David Letterman

"True story. I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman

"Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, Sept 20, 2008

#975

Late Night From 09/09
Part 1

"Thank goodness. I don't know what it's doing around the country, but here in New York City we had a wet, rainy day. Today, John McCain admitted he doesn't know how many umbrellas he owns." --David Letterman

"I'm feeling a little sheepish, ladies and gentlemen. I have a confession to make. Last night, I had my first naughty dream about a vice presidential candidate. And it wasn't Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"By the way, I thought this was interesting. Sarah Palin refuses to come on the 'Late Show.' Yeah. Or, as she calls it, 'the bridge to nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"Are you folks following this Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae fiasco? Do you know anything about it? It's horrible, isn't it? I mean horrible and scary. Thank God it's over. Earlier today, earlier today Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were both adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman

"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. That's what's happening now. All the media is digging into her past. Democrats are digging into her past. And here's the latest. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, Sep 21, 2008

#976

Late Night From 09/09
Part 2

"Political observers are pointing out, maybe you've seen this too, that at campaign rallies, John McCain likes to give Sarah Palin a hug, then give his wife a kiss on the cheek. That's the ritual, yeah. When asked about it, McCain said, 'Believe me, that's about as much sex as I can handle.' That's an orgy for him. I went too far." --Conan O'Brien

"There are only 56 days until the presidential election. Most of the attention now is centered around John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. This is for real. They're selling Sarah Palin action figures online. I don't know where they get the outfits for these, but she looks like the sluttiest librarian of all time. Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today when the Sarah Palin dolls shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimme

"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of people are saying Governor Palin really put Alaska on the map. To which President Bush said, 'Really? Well, how come I still can't find it?'" --Jay Leno

"As you all know, President Bush was not at the Republican convention due to a disaster: his presidency." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it." --Jay Leno

:Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --Jay Leno

Monday, Sept 22, 2008

#977

Late Night From 09/10

"All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change." --David Letterman

"Senator McCain and Sarah Palin were campaigning in Virginia. Do you like Sarah Palin? Do you kind of like her? Yeah. I like her because she looks like the lady at the bakery who yells out '44! 45!' She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench. That's who she looks like. She looks like the lady who has a chain of cupcake stores, and she looks like the mayor of a small town that's banned dancing." --David Letterman

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

"Even President Bush, now, has been drawn into this controversy. But again, you see, I don't think President Bush really understands the issue. Like he said, 'What people do in private is their business, as long as they don't marry the pig.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno

"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican Party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno

"Big international news. I don't know if you heard about this, sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong-Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Kim Jong-Nam, Kim Jong-Chul or Kim Jong-Woo. Yeah. Of course, there's still an out-of-the-box chance he'll pick Sarah Palin. She comes when you least expect it." --Conan O'Brien

"When John McCain's wife Cindy was born, he was a senior in high school. Yeah. Yeah, McCain says it was love at first sight, but an extremely awkward senior prom. They asked him to leave four times. 'You should go, sir. It's creepy'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today in Washington, DC, Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader met with Libertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul. They didn't plan the meeting. They just bumped into each other in a soup line." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Sept 23, 2008

#978

Late Night From 09/11

"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Look, I tell you though, McCain is thrilled with his running mate! He's energized by this woman. In fact, he told the press today, Sarah Palin makes him feel as young as Larry King." --Jay Leno

"In fact, today when reporters asked him what keeps him going, McCain said bran." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday, Senator Larry Craig, you all remember Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast. Well, he, somehow, he got a Minnesota court to hear an appeal of his case involving soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. Unfortunately, the court recessed for a ten-minute bathroom break, and he got arrested again." --Jay Leno

"No, that's what the lawyer said. The lawyer said, 'foot tapping in the men's room was a form of protected expression, like dancing.' Like dancing? Shut up! This guy is lord of the toilet dance now, apparently." --Jay Leno

"Here's big news. Tonight and tomorrow night, Charles Gibson over there at ABC is going to interview Sarah Palin. And I believe it will be her first big time interview. And Charles Gibson, the first question he asks her, he says are you ready to be president? And Sarah Palin said 'Oh, for sure!'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Turns out now members of the Department of the Interior were having sex with oil company employees. Department of the Interior were having sex with oil companies. I mean, nothing gets my blood racing like a department of the interior sex scandal. You know what I mean? But how about that? Department of the Interior and a sex scandal. The Republicans were calling for more drilling." --David Letterman

Wed., Sept 24, 2008

#979

Late Night From 09/12

"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" --Jay Leno

"In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!" --Jay Leno

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Bill Clinton, big event yesterday in New York. Barack Obama had lunch with the former president. Yeah, afterwards, Clinton said, 'It's the first time the two of us have had a chance to sit down together and really bitch about Hillary.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works."  --Conan O'Brien

"This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, in case you don't know, had her first real interview as vice presidential nominee last night. Charlie Gibson sat down and asked some very good, some tough questions. McCain people said they were happy with the interview and they may let her do another one, maybe in a month or two." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers

"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler

"The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style." --Amy Poehler

Thurdsay, Sept 25, 2008

#980

Late Night From 09/13

"John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on 'The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?" --David Letterman

"But that John McCain is a great guy. And when he was finished at 'The View,' as a thank-you gift he bought everybody on the show a house." --David Letterman

"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman

"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond." --David Letterman

"But now because they are a little worried that Sarah Palin may be a political newcomer and has not spent any time in the national spotlight, so she's being coached by Joe Lieberman. Yeah, I hope Joe Lieberman can pass along some of that excitement that he brought to the Al Gore phenomenon ticket. That's what we're looking for." --David Letterman

"If you watched TV last night, you know Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done, interviewed Sarah Palin. No, last night, Sarah Palin gave a interview with ABC's Charles Gibson. And earlier today, her future son-in-law was on 'Maury Povich.' 'You are the father!'" --Jay Leno

At one point, Charlie Gibson asked Palin about the Bush doctrine, but she didn't know what it was. But, you know, to be fair, even Bush doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is." --Jay Leno

"That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows. Supporters of Palin say, it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was also asked if we might have to go to war with Russia, and she said, 'Perhaps so.' Isn't that like a magic eight ball kind of answer?" --Jay Leno

Friday, Sept 26, 2008

#981

Late Night From 09/15
Part 1

"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno

"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican strategist Karl Rove recently gave an interview, and he said John McCain's attack ads go too far and aren't truthful. Then Rove said, 'I've never been so proud. That kid's good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Why do I love [Sarah Palin]? She's a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere [on screen: Palin saying 'thanks, but no thanks' to the bridge]. She's so polite. Now I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway, or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she didn't. Or she didn't really sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure that women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah! That's f**king true. The point is this: shut up. Because you don't speed-date in order to get to know somebody. You speed-date to make sure you're not talking to a dude." --Jon Stewart

"Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]. $3.2 Million to watch crabs do it. ... Anyway, for those of you who would like to hear more explanations from Sarah Palin, sit tight. There are some rules. You can't just go talking to her all willy-nilly, right? McCain campaign chair Rick Davis [on screen: Davis saying Palin will do interviews on the terms and conditions of the McCain campaign, and that the interviewers must 'treat her with some level of respect and deference']. Deference. She'll talk to the press as soon as they stop asking her questions. Her next interview -- and this is not a joke -- is with Sean Hannity. I wonder if he'll show her deference." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Sept 27, 2008

#982

Late Night From 09/15
Part 2

"This weekend, Karl Rove said attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"Did you see the Sarah Palin interview on ABC? This state trooper from Alaska says that Palin lied in the interview. She lied on national television. I’d say someone's ready for the White House!" --Craig Ferguson

"Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil today. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain's plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it." --Craig Ferguson

"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you seeSarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Republicans are still keeping her away from the mainstream press. In fact, the only reporter she's taking questions from is Field & Stream. That's the only magazine she felt more comfortable with. Actually, Sarah Palin is going from an interview with Gibson on ABC to one with Sean Hannity on Fox. Woo! That should be hard-hitting! It's like going from hard ball to t-ball!" --Jay Leno

"But Sarah Palin says she is ready for Sean Hannity. In fact, she spent all day today writing out the questions he's going to ask her. Well, if you saw the big interview with Gibson, Sarah Palin quoted Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln said, 'Let us not pray that God is on our side in any war, or at any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.' And here's the amazing part. You know who Abraham Lincoln said that to? John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno

"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno

"And of course, August was a big month for the campaigns. Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August, raised $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. And Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice." --Jay Leno

"Here's the latest word from Wall Street: 'Ahhhh!' Man, I guess you heard by now, Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy. ... I don't think President Bush understands this crisis either. Like today, when he heard about Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, he said, 'Where am I going to get discount suits now?'" --Jay Leno

Sunday, Sep 28, 2008

#983

Late Night From 09/16

"U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand these economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?"--Jay Leno

"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name." --Jay Leno

"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, as you all know, during the interview with Charles Gibson last week on ABC, Sarah Palin did not know what the Bush doctrine was. But to be fair, a month ago, she didn't know who John McCain was either." --Jay Leno

"But John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?" --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden gave a speech in Michigan yesterday, where he said that John McCain is the sequel to President Bush, and he said the sequel is always worse than the original. Yeah. Well, President Bush was furious. He said, 'Apparently, Joe Biden has not seen 'The Empire Strikes Back.'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain and Barack Obama met last week for a forum on national service at Columbia University in New York. McCain said being on a college campus reminded him of all his old professors, like Aristotle and Socrates." --Jay Leno

"John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience." --Jay Leno

"Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. The fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, 'Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?'" --Jay Leno

"A weird thing came out of the John McCain campaign. An adviser to John McCain ... claimed today, just a couple of hours ago, that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. That's what he said, yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, 'the fancy garage door opener.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today said she thinks the economy needs some shaking up and some fixin'. I'm pretty sure is also her recipe for oven-baked chicken." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, Sept 29, 2008

#984

Late Night From 09/17

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's wife, Cindy, is angry. She lashed out at the ladies of 'The View' after the McCains appeared on the show. The McCains were on the show and then Cindy McCain is mad now. In response, Barbara Walters said, 'She's just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is keeping busy. Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical, 'The Lion King.' This country is going down the toilet and he's meeting with them. No, he did. He met with the cast of 'The Lion King,' yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader." --Conan O'Brien

"But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?'" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step." --Jay Leno

"The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'" --Jay Leno

"Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of risk.'" --Jay Leno

"You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?" --Jay Leno

"Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Sept 30, 2008

#985

Late Night From 09/18

"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They don't know who got into the email. The only thing they know for sure is that it wasn't John McCain. Or maybe, this whole 'I don't know about the internet' thing was just a smoke screen so he could spy on her and find out what kind of sex she likes. Or maybe not." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is doing his best to respond to the crisis. I love that that gets giggles. That's not even a joke. It's just me discussing what's really going on." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a trip to Alabama. That's true. Yeah, Bush said, 'Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien

"When it comes to the economy, President Bush is no help at all. Like when reporters asked him today, what he thought about AIG, he said he got Showtime and HBO, but he really didn't get the whole package." –Jay Leno

"Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that." –Jay Leno

"Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound" –Jay Leno

"Hey, anybody see Sarah Palin on the Fox News show, 'Hannity & Colmes?' You see that? Nobody watched. Here's my question. What happened to Colmes? Wasn't he supposed to be the Democrat? What, did he get shipped to Guantanamo? What happened to him? What, is it 'Hannity and No Colmes'? Is that what it's called?" –Jay Leno

Wed., Oct 01, 2008

#986

Late Night From 09/19

"The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher

"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros." --Bill Maher

"As if all this news is not bad enough, today, President Bush announced he's on the case. Because if there's one name that comes to mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis, it's George Bush." --Bill Maher

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it. " --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

Thurdsay, Oct 02, 2008

#987

Late Night From 09/20

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. ... So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It's like second nature" --Jay Leno

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"But on the other hand, if you're looking for a candidate to listen to old radio broadcasts of 'Fibber McGee and Molly' with, John McCain, that's your guy right there." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler

Friday, Oct 03, 2008

#988

Late Night From 09/22

"President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody was excited about the Emmys, including John McCain, who, during the Emmys, said, 'Uh, 'Gunsmoke' win anything?" --David Letterman

"John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them." - David Letterman

"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

"This is what I love about this whole thing. This is what Congress said today. 'The days of getting money just for the asking are over.' And then they asked for $700 billion. See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail." --Jay Leno

"Hey, anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, 'Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. "Hey, an electric bread box!'" --Jay Leno

"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno

"And here's kind of an odd story. Due to a phone book misprint, callers to the New Jersey Democratic Party actually got connected to a sex phone line. Ironically, on the sex phone line, you could still talk to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno"This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascals [scooters] and a hearse." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Oct 04, 2008

#989

Late Night From 09/23

"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller." --Jay Leno

"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that causeWall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that's what we should do." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up til now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' ... She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin says she was very impressed with all of the landmarks in New York City. As they were driving over the Hudson River, she said, 'Wow! Your bridges actually go somewhere!'" --Jay Leno

"And you know, you can tell Sarah Palin is not really used to New York City. Like, today, she saw five rats, force of habit, skinned them for the pelts." --Jay Leno

"This Friday is the first presidential debate. After like nine years of this campaign, we're going to have a presidential debate, finally. I think that's good. I think it's time, don't you? ... Sources from Barack Obama's campaign say that during the debate -- this is true -- Obama's going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. That's the strategy. Yeah, Obama plans to do this by constantly repeating the phrase, 'Matlock is gay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds." --Conan O'Brien

"Exciting stuff going on over at the United Nations earlier today. President Bush addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Apparently his father couldn't get him out of it." --David Letterman

"All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley." --David Letterman

"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been now endorsed by Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin has been endorsed by Lens Crafters." --David Letterman

"But you know what I hate during a presidential campaign? Dirty tricks. Are you like me and hate the dirty tricks? Well, some hackers hacked into Sarah Palin's email. Kind of the same thing happened to John McCain. Somebody broke in and stole his clapper." --David Letterman

"We are in an economic tail spin. It's a nightmare on Wall Street, and a once in a century financial crisis. Of course, the New York Times called the crisis 'a wolf howling at the door.' Wrong! No one's got money for doors anymore! It's a wolf howling at our cardboard flaps." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Oct 05, 2008

#990

Late Night From 09/24
Part 1

"Senator John McCain was supposed to be on the program tonight. Were you aware of that? But he had to cancel the show because he is suspending his campaign, because the economy is exploding. And you know, John McCain is the running mate of Sarah Palin. And so John McCain calls up and he said, 'I'm not going to be there, kids, because everything is going to hell.' And here's the funny part, nobody told his vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and honest to God, right now, she's still circling the theater in the white minivan. She's going to pick him up later." --David Letterman

"And I was thinking about this. Well, maybe if he hadn't taken two years off to run for president, he wouldn't have to rush back to Washington now to deal with the crisis." --David Letterman

"Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." --David Letterman

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Today, John McCain made a big announcement. He said he wants to postpone Friday’s presidential debate, but not because of the economic crisis. It turns out TV Land is airing a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a speech about the Wall Street financial crisis. The title of Bush’s speech was 'Two More Months and It Ain’t My Problem.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain has been trying to look younger on the campaign trail by using a makeup artist named Tiffany who works on 'American Idol.' True story, yeah. Tiffany says, 'Making John McCain look younger is easy, but what is really hard is making Paula Abdul look sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, no, he said he'd like to postpone the presidential debate until he's, you know, ahead in the polls." --Jay Leno

"In fact, right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, 'That's okay, I don't really need him anyway.'" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, the real reason he says he's postponing the debate is to concentrate on the economic crisis. In fact, President Bush spoke to the nation earlier tonight, addressing the financial crisis. He spoke live from the White House panic room." --Jay Leno

Monday, Oct 06, 2008

#991

Late Night From 09/24
Part 2

"Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here's how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple." --Jay Leno

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?" --Jay Leno

And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'" --Jay Leno"

Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, 'cause she had to keep stopping to reload." --Jay Leno

"And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain has announced he's suspending his presidential campaign! Suspending it! It's not what you think. He's not quitting. He's suspending it to focus on the economy, this crisis! I thought that's what the campaign was about. ... This is not a football game where one team goes into the two-minute drill and you're tired now. ... You can't take a time-out! That's like somebody who's losing their house going, 'Hey, you know what, before you take my house, can I take a big T-O here?'"--Jon Stewart

It's a very exciting time here in New York City. Yesterday Sarah Palin took some time away from real America to visit New York City. Her team of mushers safely escorted her through the ravenous throng of sodomites, Jews and media elites to get her foreign policy ticket punched with photo-ops with Henry Kissinger, Colombia's Alvaro Uribe, and Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai. Did you know he just had a baby? [on screen: Palin asking Karzai what the name of his new baby is -- Mirwais -- and that it means 'light of the house']. 'Mirwais, huh? What a weird name. My son is named Track. It means something you run around.'" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you may have heard that the McCain camp has been limiting access to Sarah Palin. But that's not true. You just saw her sitting down there with Hamid Karzai talking about his son. ... Of course, no access make media angry [on screen: montage of media commentators saying they should have access to Palin and that she isn't a 'delicate flower']. She can kill a moose! With her bare hands! Rip its heart out and show it to the moose! She will rip its heart out and show it to the moose before eating it. You ever hear the joke about the difference between a flower and a hockey mom? One has both male and female reproductive organs, and the other one's a flower. Boom!" --Jon Stewart

"Just a few hours ago, Senator John McCain stood up and showed us he has the grit and resolve to lead America through this dark time! [on screen: McCain announcing he will suspend his campaign and return to Washington]. He is suspending his campaign! I, for one, cannot think of anything more presidential than suspending your presidential campaign! Being president demands suspending all kinds of things! Habeas corpus. Gitmo prisoners. Now McCain can focus all of his attention on fixing this economic meltdown. He knew suspending his campaign was the only answer when he saw these frightening numbers! [on screen: McCain's 'poll numbers' in severe decline]. No, Jimmy, the other frightening numbers! [on screen: the Wall Street numbers in severe decline]. Of course, cynics are going to say that McCain is just using this crisis to appear presidential while ducking Friday's first presidential debate. Well, he does not care about politics, folks! Remember, McCain once famously said he would rather lose an election than lose a war. Now he's gone the extra step of saying he would rather lose an election than win an election!" --Stephen Colbert

"Senator John McCain has announced -- this is a big deal -- he's putting his campaign for president on hold to focus on the economy. And he wants to postpone his first debate with Barack Obama on Friday. Which seems a little bit like the old 'my grandmother died' excuse the night before a final exam." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, Oct 07, 2008

#992

Late Night From 09/25

"You're here on a good night. So far, none of our guests have cancelled. By the way, if you had a chance to get to Central Park today, did you see that David Blaine, you know what I'm talking about, the street magician. Here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park. And overnight, they left him. He was just hanging there. ... It's the same thing McCain did to me last night." --David Letterman

"I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day." --David Letterman

"That's how it works. Yeah, McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that's a different deal." --David Letterman

"I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap." --David Letterman

"Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Palin has been all over the news recently. Yesterday, she was in New York at the U.N. General Assembly to meet with leaders from other countries. Previously, her world experience had been limited to a visit to the Epcot Center in Orlando." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, when Senator John McCain got personally involved in the bailout yesterday. Did you hear about this? Oh, it was unbelievable. John McCain was supposed to be a guest on David Letterman's show last night. And an hour before he was supposed to be on, he called Dave. Now, you never cancel an hour before. But he called and said, 'I got to get back to Washington. I'm on my way to the airport right now.' And Letterman was very gracious about it. So the guest dropped out at the last minute. I thought Letterman was very gracious. Then during Dave's show, they noticed on the feed McCain is in another building across the street doing an interview with Katie Couric when he's supposed to be with Letterman. Let me tell you, lying to the American people, that's one thing. But when you lie to a talk show host, there is no more heinous crime in this country." --Jay Leno

"And you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. So we'll see what happens there." --Jay Leno

"Our economy, right now, in a little bit of trouble. President Bush has been working hard on the economy to solve this problem. That should calm you. ... Yesterday, President Bush telephoned both John McCain and Barack Obama to discuss the current financial crisis. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the entire conversation consisted of Bush yelling, 'Suckers! and hanging up." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush invited Barack Obama and John McCain to a meeting at the White House this afternoon at 4:00. Yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, just after dinner. He eats dinner on a tray in front of the TV, and then, off to the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone still talking about Sarah Palin. A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn't care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that's not true, and says Alaska has one of each." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., Oct 08, 2008

#993

Late Night From 09/26

"Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama." --Bill Maher

"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher

"Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV -- he's always a guy who inspires confidence -- Wednesday night, and he said, quote, 'America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.' And he held a flashlight under his chin." --Bill Maher

"President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday, and he said, this is the quote, 'if the money isn't loosened up, this sucker could go down.' So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain said he wouldn't attend tonight's presidential debate unless Congress reached a bailout deal. Then McCain reversed his position and decided to take part anyway. That's what happened. McCain says he may drop out again, depending on what the first question is. He's going to play it by ear." --Conan O'Brien

"During tonight's debate, sources from Barack Obama's campaign say Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. That's true. Obama is going to do this by claiming that the movie 'Cocoon' was overrated." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the treasury secretary at this moment, trying very hard to get the bailout plan passed. He wants to get that passed. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is so desperate to get his bailout plan passed that yesterday -- this is true -- he got down on his knees in front of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. He did that, yeah. And apparently, Paulson wants the plan to pass so badly, he also offered to get down on his knees in front of Barney Frank." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the political season is affecting Halloween. It's even affecting Halloween in this country. Just read this, one of the most popular Halloween masks this year is the Sarah Palin mask. Yeah, remember this, kids. If you dress up as Sarah Palin, you're not allowed to talk to anyone who is dressed up as a reporter. Stay clear of them." --Conan O'Brien

"The nation's largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to 'screw you.'" --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Mint announced this week they are redesigning the penny. Have you seen it? It looks exactly like the old dollar."

Thurdsay, Oct 09, 2008

#994

Late Night From 09/27

"I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Just to give you an idea how bad the economy is. I saw a gay guy shopping at JCPenney. That's when you know there's a bad economy. I saw a guy at the 99-cent store using a coupon. That's a bad economy. In fact, I got my scenic checks from my bank today. You know what the scene was? Pictures of people at the bank cleaning out their desks. That's the picture on the check." --Jay Leno

"But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" --Jay Leno

"In Washington, a Republican revolt caused the bailout deal to break down. They thought they had this thing going, you know, and the timing was bad for President Bush. He had just hung up the 'Mission Accomplished' banner again." --Jay Leno

"You know, the interesting thing is, these numbers are so big that people can't even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen." --Jay Leno

"Tonight was the big debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. They billed it had as the crowd pleaser versus the old geezer. Kind of a tough one to do." --Jay Leno

"The presidential debates had an unusual format. After blowing a question on Bosnia, John McCain was told to extinguish his torch and leave the island."  --David Letterman

"Actually, McCain's big mistake was not knowing the name of French President Sarkozy's hot wife. The three presidential debates, I was not aware of this, will be held in three different states. Mississippi, New York and Tennessee. And fortunately, John McCain has a home in each one. So that's good." --David Letterman

"The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week, Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not, marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one" --Seth Meyers

"A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You you enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head." --Amy Poehler

Friday, Oct 10, 2008

#995

Late Night From 09/29

"Senator John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts: he bailed out on me." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that's good enough for me, let's go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets." --David Letterman

"I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? Tell him how that made you feel." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know." --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right now, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it." --Jay Leno

"Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it." --Jay Leno

"You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors." --Jay Leno

"I'll give you an idea of how bad the economy is, I wrote a five-dollar check over the weekend, the check was good, the bank bounced. I'll give you an idea how bad the dollar is, I went to buy gold, they said, 'oh, we can only buy it with gold.'" --Jay Leno

"Well you know what's interesting, last week we showed you how the Obama campaign took some footage of John McCain and turned it into a negative ad against him. Well now McCain is getting his revenge. Did you see this footage today? This is Barack Obama just shopping, here he is just shopping [on screen: video of Obama shopping for peaches]. Now look how they turn that into a negative ad: (on screen: Announcer: 'Barack Obama wants to know how many homes John McCain owns. The American people want to know how many peaches are enough for Obama. Four? Eight? Will Obama leave any peaches for you? Vote McCain; he only eats prunes']." --Jay Leno

"Today the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called 'a crap sandwich.' Yeah, that's what he said. Congress hasn't given up though. They're already working on a new plan which they call 'a crap sandwich with cheese.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder." --Conan O'Brien

"Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week, and they're saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential." --Conan O'Brien

"Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she'd agree to pose for Playboy as long as there's no interview." --Conan O'Brien

"So which candidate won the debate? Well, John McCain certainly won the debate on foreign policy [on screen: McCain: 'The average South Korean is three inches taller than the average North Korean']. Exactly! Does Barack Obama even know the comparative height of Asian peoples? This may be the wedge issue McCain has been looking for. McCain '08: Cambodians are taller than you think." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, of course, John McCain repeatedly questioned Obama's understanding of important issues like this one: [on screen: McCain: 'I'm afraid Senator Obama doesn't understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy']. Now, nation, if you don't know the difference, a tactic is when Bush used political operatives to slander McCain in 2000; a strategy is when McCain hired those same operatives to run his campaign in 2008. Totally different." --Stephen Colbert

"But I've gotta say, Senator Obama, to give him his due, won overwhelmingly when it came to agreeing with John McCain [on screen: Obama repeatedly saying McCain was right]. It appears that what Barack Obama really doesn't understand is the definition of debate. Now, with both candidates scoring so strong, for a while it appeared there was no real winner. Until, John McCain reached out to the key swing vote, which, based upon this footage [on screen: video of McCain repeatedly using his tongue to moisten his lips], appears to be reptiles. Of course, reptiles, they're worried about health care, jobs going overseas and the rising cost of crickets." --Stephen Colbert

"The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it's heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you watch the presidential debate on Friday night? 54 million Americans watch it. John McCain had threatened not to show up, but he did show up. For the most part, it looked to me like he was avoiding making eye contact with Barack Obama. Why we don't know. McCain denies it. But that didn't stop the Obama campaign from getting this ad on the air almost the moment the debate was over [on screen: spoof ad featuring McCain posing with African Americans; tagline: 'John McCain won't look at black people']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More good video of John McCain's running mate Sarah Palin on the Internet. Something from the Miss Alaska 1984 swimsuit portion of the beauty pageant is on the Internet. Her name back then was Sarah Heath, and here she is, the woman who might one day be president of the United States: [on screen: video of Palin in swimsuit. Announcer: 'Contestant number eight: Sarah Heath. Sarah says she wants to prepare for a career in television broadcasting by majoring in telecommunications and political science. Athletically inclined, Sarah plans to become either a sportscaster or a governor, marry a snowmobile racer, run unsuccessfully for vice president and shoot many different animals. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Heath']. That pageant announcer was right on. And not only does she look good in a one-piece, Sarah Palin has musical talent, too [on screen: video of Palin playing the flute]. That is an attractive photograph right there. She uses the flute now to worn her town when the Russians are coming." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Oct 11, 2008

#996

Late Night From 10/01

"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night in St. Louis. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware faces off with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock, trying to figure out how to run an internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her the information. Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, she's getting ready for tomorrow's debate, too. I understand she now knows all three branches of government." --Jay Leno

"Well, some people think Sarah Palin took a swipe at Joe Biden's age when she said that she had been listening to Biden's speeches since the second grade. Which is kind of ironic, because Biden has been listening to McCain's speeches since he was in the second grade." --Jay Leno

"See, you've got to admit, Sarah Palin does look great when they walk out, but that's causing a problem for McCain now. In fact, now they call the ticket 'Beauty and the Deceased.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's some good news. The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them." --Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that only one out of four people approve of the job President Bush is doing. One out of four. That means, when he's having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table who thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

"And the Senate voted on this bailout package again tonight. Senator Larry Craig missed the vote. I understand he was in the men's room, introducing his own package." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this evening, there was a big Hollywood fund-raiser for John McCain. I don't want to say there weren't a lot of celebrities there, but it was billed of the night of one star. Yeah, I think that was it. I think it was Chuck Norris." --Jay Leno

"But tomorrow night is the vice presidential debate, also known as the debate to nowhere." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush." --David Letterman

"I don't know if Palin is ready. You know you're in trouble, debating like this, you know you're in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night's vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico." --David Letterman

"Congress trying very hard, once again, with this bailout plan. And economists are now claiming that our nation's leaders did not properly explain the bailout plan to the public. That was the problem, yeah. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'While you're at it, could someone explain it to me?'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently, McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg says he's interested in running for another term, but there's resistance because the law would have to be changed to allow for a third term. Yeah, it's not that people have a big problem with Mike Bloomberg, they just don't want to give President Bush any ideas." --Conan O'Brien

"Even better than when (Palin) doesn't answer is when she does. Like this question on with whether or not man is responsible for global warming [on screen: Palin saying it 'doesn't matter at this point' to figure out what caused global warming]. It matters what caused it! Doesn't matter what caused it, let's just fix it. Uh, you have lung cancer. I don't know what caused it but I think I know what could help [on screen: Stewart holds up a pack of cigarettes]. Like any good series, the special episodes are the best [on screen: Palin she would 'counsel' a girl who had been raped by her father to 'choose life']. Hmm. Counsel them. Hey, tough break on the dad raping you, so picked out a name?" --Jon Stewart

Sunday, Oct 12, 2008

#997

Late Night From 10/02
Part 1

"Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say that one mistake by Sarah Palin tonight could be crushing to John McCain's campaign. However, they say 20 or 30 mistakes by Palin could be really funny." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, of course, everyone's still talking about Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"A new study has found that the number of illegal immigrants coming into the United States has declined as our economy has faltered. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Do I know how to fix a problem or what?'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent poll that just came out, the majority of McCain voters think the economy is in a normal downward cycle, but the majority of Obama voters think the economy is in a long-term decline. Yeah. Meanwhile, the majority of Ralph Nader voters collect empty beer cans along the highway." --Conan O'Brien

"Before the debate, Biden's team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Palin directly and instead, focus on linking John McCain to George Bush and the economy. Palin's people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him out into an open area, and then go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don't want to mess up the head -- that's the trophy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket, and it also might be the last, depending on how it goes. So across the state of Alaska, all eyes were on the debate. Pipeline workers set aside their wrenches, trappers dropped their beaver pelts, whalers put down their blubber knives, Eskimo families took a break from loading their grandparents onto ice floes. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun, quite frankly." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The big question, I don't know if anyone has asked yet, while Sarah Palin is yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? I feel very unprotected right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, the Senate passed the bailout bill, 74-25. They said one of the reason it passed is that lawmakers stopped calling it a bailout bill, and started calling it a rescue bill. See, they changed the name. I'm sorry. Isn't that called putting lipstick on a pig?" --Jay Leno

Monday, Oct 13, 2008

#998

Late Night From 10/02
Part 2

"The Senate passed it last night and they say the House will probably pass it tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that could screw it up at this is if John McCain steps in and tries to help out again." --Jay Leno

"With the new provisions the Senate added, it's now gonna cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was $700 billion. Two days later, they screwed us out of another $100 billion!" --Jay Leno

"And do you know this bailout -- I'm sorry, the rescue -- the rescue bill has grown up to 450 pages. And President Bush's copy is even thicker, because they had to add pictures." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today, if our nation continues on this course, the economic damage will be painful and lasting. But the good news? After eight years of Bush, we can handle painful and lasting." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, they held the vice presidential debate. I understand that Sarah Palin has been preparing all week at John McCain's ranch in Arizona. She said looking out at the desert gave her a real feel for the Middle East." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that interview with Katie Couric? Oh, man. Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspapers she reads, and she could not name a single newspaper that she reads. Which wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have a degree in journalism." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president." --Jay Leno

"A company that produces dolls of all the political figures -- they do this every four years, they make action figures of all the candidates -- just came out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently, the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him." --Jay Leno

Well, in international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban ... inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker." --David Letterman

"The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn't seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching Sarah Palin's interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Katie Couric right here on the 'CBS Evening News' that she can't name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord. But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on 'American Idol.'" --David Letterman

Tuesday, Oct 14, 2008

#999

Late Night From 10/03

"The good news is, Sarah Palin can complete a sentence. The bad news is, the rest of us have to listen to it." --Bill Maher

"And that folksy thing she does, do you love that? It's like fingernails on a blackboard, isn't it? I don't know. I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe the vice president is supposed to sound like the host of 'Romper Room.'" --Bill Maher

"She kept saying that she represents Joe Sixpack. You know what, sweetheart? If you get elected, Joe is going to need a lot more than a six pack. He's going to be Joe Prescription Drug Pack." --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations. I don't know if you saw this story, but the new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders. Oh, you betcha. Oh, you're darn right she did. Oh yeah, God bless. And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher

"But, of course, what she's really not having an effect on is the presidential race. Even though she did well in the debate last night, McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is 'McCain: The White Obama.'" --Bill Maher

"He's getting desperate. His strategy for the next debate, on Tuesday, is after he shakes hands with Obama, he's going to pretend his wallet is missing." --Bill Maher

"Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher

"They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin kept winking at the camera. See that? She kept winking all the time. For a minute, I thought maybe John McCain had been captured again and she was trying it to send some kind of a signal." --Jay Leno

"I believe that last night, Sarah Palin quoted both Ronald Reagan and Goober from '.' What was all that 'You betcha'? I thought she was doing 'Annie .'" --Jay Leno

Wed., Oct 15, 2008

#1000

Late Night From 10/04

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said he watched the debate from his living room at his home in Arizona. He said he would have applauded Sarah Palin, but every time he clapped at home, the lights go on and off." --Jay Leno

"They passed their $800 billion bailout bill today. Although, some senators who voted for it are now very upset. They didn't realize, they thought they were giving themselves a pay raise." --Jay Leno

"Some economists say all this bill really is is a bailout for companies whose bad business judgment ran their companies into the ground, to which NBC said, 'Really? We should be eligible. We should be getting some of that.'" --Jay Leno

"This bill went from a three-page document to the size of a novel. Literally. It's the size of a book. You know what that means? Bush will never read it now." --Jay Leno

"Well, now Europe is trying to put together their own bailout plan. They're trying to save their banks from failing. Hey, say what you want about America, but we're still leading the rest of the world. See what I'm saying? We were bankrupt months before them. They are copying us. We are the leaders in this deal." --Jay Leno

"And everybody's been asking me, they said, 'Dave, did you see the debate last night?' And my answer, of course, is, 'Ohh, you betcha!'" --David Letterman

"And I don't know if you saw this, but Sarah Palin, the governor's family, was sitting in the front row, and halfway through the debate, her future son-in-law made a run for it." --David Letterman

"During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman

"She kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers." --David Letterman

"Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon as he leaves office in two months." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers

David Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine"

10. Hi, it's John McCain; I had to go to bed. How'd it go?
9. Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?
8. Hi, it's Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd's out of town.
7. My name is Joseph Sixpack -- knock it off.
6. Hi, Katie Couric again -- think of any newspapers yet?
5. Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's a bridge to hilarity.
4. John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?
3. Senator Larry Craig here -- do you have Joe Biden's phone number?
2. McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?
1. It's President Bush. If you're at the debate, who's watchin' Russia?

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