Jokes of the day

801 - 900

Sunday, March 30, 2008

#801

Late Night From 03/22

"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. And today, their parents are in New York at Bear Stearns trying to find their nest eggs." --Jay Leno

"Today at the White House, President Bush hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Young kids roll Easter eggs with spoons across the White House lawn. What fun that must be for kids if this was 1908." --Jay Leno

"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno

"And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman"Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, he did not sign up for re-election. He is not going to run for office again. So don't let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry." --David Letterman

Monday, March 31, 2008

#802

Late Night From 03/24

"No, Barack Obama will appear on 'The View' this Friday. Right, he thought his pastor was loud and opinionated. Oh, God. Wait 'til Joy gets hold of him." --Jay Leno

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

#803

Late Night From 03/25

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

Wed., April 2, 2008

#804

Late Night From 03/26

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out. Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno

"Hey, Fred Thompson announced he's getting back into acting. Fred Thompson. Yeah, how about that? ... That's a pretty gutsy decision, considering his less than convincing portrayal of a presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

Thursday, April 3, 2008

#805

Late Night From 03/27

"Barack Obama is back from his vacation in the Virgin Islands. He played a lot of shuffle board down there. See, he's pretty smart. He was doing that in case John McCain challenges him to a duel." --Jay Leno

"MSNBC is reporting there's a chance that John McCain will pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice president. Well, actually, I think that's a perfectly balanced ticket. Right? I mean, he's white, she's black. He's a man, she's a woman. He's always steamed, she's Rice." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a a passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

Friday, April 4, 2008

#806

Late Night From 03/28

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. ... This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"By the way, this has nothing to do with al Qaeda. You know, Bush is always talking about 'we're fighting al Qaeda and other extremists.' Yeah, al Qaeda who actually attacked us. This is a war between rival Mafia families with George Bush playing the part of 'Fredo.'" --Bill Maher

"And the U.S. Army is fighting on behalf of one of these rival Shiite militia families. We're fighting on behalf of the Supreme Islamic Council. Aren't you proud of America today, ladies and gentlemen, that we're fighting for the Supreme Islamic Council? That's why we sent our troops there. And Bush said even though the Iraqis are fighting the Iraqis, luckily, a civil war has not broken out." --Bill Maher

"This is what he said in his speech yesterday -- I'm not kidding about this. He said things are good in Iraq because when you fly over it, you can see soccer games. What you can't see from that level is that they're being played with a human head." --Bill Maher

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno

"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the hell. John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, April 5, 2008

#807

Late Night From 03/31

"Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennyslvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, because he's a Democrat, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he endorsed because of his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president. It also explains his choice for vice president -- Hannah Montana" --Jay Leno

"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'" --David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who can't remember if he took his pill. He looks like the guy who goes to bed after Andy Rooney. He looks like the guy who has his exhaust pipe tied to his rear bumper." --David Letterman

"This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, 'Because then she'd come home.'" --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, April 6, 2008

#808

Late Night From 04/01

"Here's some good news: In response to the country's severe economic crisis, President Bush has been working around the clock. He has drafted landmark legislation that will end the recession within a month and bring down the price of gas by 35%. April Fool's!"

"Two Ohio companies who staged events for Hillary Clinton say that they've been trying to get paid. For weeks they have been trying to get the Clinton campaign to pay their bill, but the Clintons won't answer their e-mails or return their phone calls. Ironically, they even tried calling Hillary at 3 a.m. and nobody answered." --Jay Leno

"On a lighter note, Hillary Clinton announced that her favorite music group is the Rolling Stones. She said they were the first concert she ever went to. John McCain said the first concert he ever attended was two guys pounding on a log with sticks to celebrate a successful woolly mammoth hunt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn't is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution?" --Jay Leno

"Big news in the world of television. Kathie Lee Gifford -- remember Kathie Lee Gifford -- who was on the 'Regis Lee Show with Kathie Lee Gifford' is returning to television. She's going to be on the 'Today' show. Returning to television. Here's the scary part: President Bush knew about this, but failed to act."

"You know who I like is that John McCain. You folks like John McCain?. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren." --Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 7, 2008

#809

On vacation today

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

#810

On vacation today

Wed., April 9, 2008

#811

On vacation today

Thursday, April 10, 2008

#812

Late Night From 04/02
Part 1

"The London Daily Telegraph says that more and more Democrats now believe their candidate for president should be Al Gore, not Hillary or Barack. And today, President Bush said, 'Well, if Al Gore can run again, that means I can too, right?'" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest issue of Newsweek, they are reporting that in Iraq, Shiites are turning on their own supporters. They're attacking their own people. You know what that means, the Shiites are really hitting the fans." --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke ... speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either." --Jay Leno

"And Bush's secretary of housing announced he's stepping down. Well, sure, now that no one has a house anymore, he's got nothing to do." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain gave a speech at the high school he attended in Virginia. McCain told the senior class, 'What a coincidence! You graduated in '08 and I graduated in '08.'" --Conan O'Brien

"If this McCain fella is going to break through the new tsunami that is the Democratic race, he's going to have to get his name out there. Well, folks, buckle your seatbelts. Seriously, if you want to go on this little tour he has going, you have to buckle your seatbelts [on screen: news reports about McCain's 'bio' tour]. Gather around, everybody! An old man wants you to get on a bus so he call tell you stories about his life. Wow! It's all the allure of an Atlantic City senior citizens outing without all the awkward sexual tension ... or the quarters. What is he thinking? Come on a bus so I can tell you about my life. That's going to grab people, I guess." --Jon Stewart

Friday, April 11, 2008

#813

Late Night From 04/02
Part 2

"I don't know if you're aware of this, but our economy is struggling right now. The chairman of the Federal Reserve testified in front of the Senate Banking Committee today. He says we may be headed towards a recession this year, and the only way we can avoid it is to put a trillion dollars on North Carolina to win the NCAA tournament." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm telling ya, Hillary is getting knocked around pretty good here lately. Every time she says something, people are jumping all over her. She compared herself to Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone's 'Rocky.' She said, 'I'm just like Rocky.' ... I'm thinking, if Hillary is Rocky, then John McCain is the old cut man in the corner." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose." --David Letterman

"He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. ... He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator." --David Letterman

"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, 'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'" --Jay Leno

"It looks like Barack Obama has taken a ten-point lead over Hillary Clinton. You know they say, behind every successful man there's a woman. Unfortunately for Hillary, it's her." --Jay Leno

Saturday, April 12, 2008

#814

Late Night From 04/03

"Did you know Hillary Clinton is in the new Martin Scorsese documentary on the Rolling Stones? Turns out, she's a huge Rolling Stones fan. See, I think that's great. I mean, any time a politician can take time out from their busy day to help the elderly. ... She is working to get them all Rascal scooters." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said he's putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead." --Jay Leno

"Actually, learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour, so you can learn about him. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budwesier beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, unlimited money -- I think I speak for all guys when I go, why is he running for president?" --Jay Leno

"Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercials that she's been running during her campaign? The idea is, the phone rings at 3 am, oh my God, who do you want to be the president. Well, she's got another one of those. The phone rings and it's 3 am. Hillary answers the phone. She picks it up and she says, 'Stop bothering me, President Obama.'" --David Letterman

"John McCain, by God, has one of those 3 am phone calls. In this one, it's 3 am and he just gets up to go to the bathroom." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been campaigning all over the country this week. Yesterday, McCain gave a speech in Florida. He was in Florida. The Florida speech was at 2:30 in the afternoon 'cause McCain was the after-dinner speaker." --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, April 13, 2008

#815

Late Night From 04/04

"Hillary Clinton on Tuesday said she is not a quitter and compared herself to Rocky Balboa -- the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender who despite a Herculean effort is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy." --Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration on Monday proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with 'Pick a card.'" --Seth Meyers

"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died." --Amy Poehler

"No, there was a solemn march in Memphis. All the news media, of course, covered it. Bill O'Reilly was marveling at the fact the crowd was well-behaved and no one was shouting for more mother-f------ ice tea." --Bill Maher

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation." --Bill Maher

"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher

Monday, April 14, 2008

#816

Late Night From 04/05

""The ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival in Baghdad. Well, it's nice to see Bush's economic plan working out somewhere." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. He's the only one. He's not using it. See, apparently, he has Life Alert." --Jay Leno

"Good news for Hillary Clinton. You know Hillary's ad where she says she's ready to answer the phone at 3 am? This is interesting. Today, she got a call from India and they said if this presidential thing doesn't work out, they have a job for her in tech support." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in Europe right now. Today, he met with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu-Tariceanu. Or, as Bush calls him, Pop Tart." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice presidential candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on 'Matlock.'" --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

#817

Late Night From 04/07
Part 1

"Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno

"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno

"According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 81% of Americans believe the country is on the wrong track. The other 19% admitted they're not really paying attention." --Jay Leno

"More bad news on the economic front. 80,000 people lost jobs last month. 80,000 people lost jobs. But, to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., April 16, 2008

#818

Late Night From 04/07
Part 2

"Another competition is heating up -- Indecision '08. As the three remaining candidates for president attempt to separate themselves from the pack, each day presents another opportunity. For example, to most people, last Friday was the anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. But to our intrepid candidates, the day was an assas-otunity. But who would win the day? The first rule of exploitation: location, location, location. Barack Obama gave his speech on that day in Indiana, where Robert Kennedy gave his famous speech the night of the assassination. It's impressive historically, but not so much proximity-wise. He only gets 10 points. Hillary Clinton was at the church King spoke in the night before. Strong, but John McCain -- bam, bullseye. 50 points. He gave his Martin Luther King Jr. speech beneath the balcony where King was shot [on screen: McCain speaking with a black man holding an umbrella over his head]. But, then again, how many points do you lose when you give the speech while a black guy is holding your umbrella?" --Jon Stewart

"Not smart, Senator McCain. And may I say, Senator McCain's entrance into the city of Memphis was no more impressive [on screen: McCain's Straight Talk Express bus covered in a Confederate flag]. And that bumper sticker, I mean, come on [on screen: bumper sticker reading 'My Kid Is An Honor Student At An All White Separate But Equal School']. I guess what I'm saying is, you're losing the minority vote." --Jon Stewart

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, April 17, 2008

#819

Late Night From 04/08

"A lot of people whispering about John McCain's temper. Well, this is the latest. It's been reported that John McCain once got so angry at his wife during a public appearance that he called her the worst name you can call your wife. Yeah, that's right. He called her Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see what's going on with the Olympic torch? A lot of protests. It arrived in San Francisco today on its way to China. The Chinese that were traveling with the torch were stunned by the number of protesters. They have never seen this many protesters alive." -Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in North Dakota, he was greeted by what they are calling the largest crowd ever -- the largest crowd ever -- to see a political candidate in North Dakota. Over 17 people." -Jay Leno

"John McCain said this week he will release his medical records in May. He says he is only on three medications -- aspirin, Claritin and another pill they did not identify. Well, let's see, he's got a a wife that's 20 years younger, he's in his 70s." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way." --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? Remember the guy who admitted he was having sex with a prostitute? Remember, he thought that was all over? Well, he's back in the news again. It looks like he may be forced to testify in the case of the DC Madam. That's not good for your reputation, huh? You're testifying in a prostitution case as an expert witness. ... That's got to make for some interesting chit-chat with the wife over the breakfast table, huh? 'Oh, honey, good luck in court today with your little whores.'" --Jay Leno

"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'" --Conan O'Brien

"With every vote so crucial in this election year, the candidates are looking to celebrity endorsements to raise their cool factor. Oprah backs Barack Obama. Jack Nicholson endorsed Hillary Clinton. But now John McCain has picked up the biggest name of all -- my mentor, Wilford Brimley. According to a recent article in GQ magazine, when Wilford called McCain headquarters, quote, an operative got off the phone and grandly announced to the room, 'We've got Brimley!' And you know the old saying, as goes Brimley, so goes brown sugar and cinnamon" --Stephen Colbert

Friday, April 18, 2008

#820

Late Night From 04/06

"Politics is getting more and more interesting now. According to the insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. That would be interesting, don't you think? Condoleezza Rice, John McCain. Kind of like ebony and ornery." --Jay Leno

"A lot of Democrats are asking President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies to the upcoming Summer Olympics. Well, good luck with that. Boycott it? With the flags, the parades, the balloons? That's Bush's favorite part." --Jay Leno

"Got a lot of protests with the Olympics torch coming through California. See it on the news today? Man, you know, I can't believe this state even allowed the torch in here. Not because of Tibet. I mean, the guy running through the state with a giant torch at the beginning of brushfire season. How smart is that?" --Jay Leno

"In a nationwide survey just released today, high school seniors, on the average, answered correctly only 48% of the questions about personal finance and economics. Only 48%. But that's still 10% better than Bush's economic team." --Jay Leno

"A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has, quote, a spine of steel. A spine of steel. When he heard this, John McCain said, 'Oh yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's one more, a piece in favor of John McCain called 'Vote For My Son' written by his father, Abraham Lincoln. You see, because he's very, very old." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, April 19, 2008

#821

Late Night From 04/10
Part 1

"Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a very special surprise appearance on 'The Biggest Loser.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use the Secret Service protection? ... Yeah, yeah. He hasn't been using them. He has his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates where there, and while the media was focusing on them and them asking the questions, Senator Mel Martinez of Florida said to Senator John Thune of South Dakota, 'We could be naked juggling, and no one would notice,' that's what was said. 'We could be naked, and nobody would notice.' And Senator Larry Craig said, 'I would.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night, at Madison Square Garden, Elton John held a big fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's campaign. He raised 2.5 million dollars. At his concert, Elton John lashed out and he attacked the misogynist anti-women feelings many Americans have. And then he played his hit song, 'The Bitch is Back.'" --Jay Leno

"The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes. That's when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your enemies just start dying of natural causes!" --Jay Leno

Sunday, April 20, 2008

#822

Late Night From 04/10
Part 2

"Of course, a lot of controversy right now about China. During a speech, President Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him a really fine man. Cool. Yeah. Bush said, "I used to be reluctant to meet with him. Then I found out he's not a real llama. That was weird." --Conan O'Brien

"This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay Republicans are holding their national convention. Openly gay republicans. Yeah. The gay convention is just like the regular convention, except instead of superdelegates, they have super fabulous delegates." --Conan O'Brien

"The ladies of 'The View' had a big guest today. The Republican nominee for president, John McCain, sat down to chat. One interesting thing McCain said was, that unlike President Bush, who says he's going, if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China. Not because of China's human rights record, though, [but] because the ceremony starts at 8:00 and he goes to bed at 6:45. Because he's very old." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I just want to quickly say how inspired I was by General Petraeus's testimony this week. If I got this right, my understanding of what he said to Congress is that the war is going well enough that there is no need to end it. And, just as importantly, it's not going well enough that there is any possibility of ever ending it. It's like the old gambling rule, you do not leave the table when you're winning. Or when you're losing. Let it ride. Anyway, it's official, the troops will be in Iraq until Bush leaves office. And that is not passing the buck to the next president. That is ridiculous. With the current state of the dollar, it's more like passing 85 cents, tops." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, April 21, 2008

#823

Late Night From 04/11

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"According to a new poll, Barack Obama has a 24-point lead over Hillary Clinton in North Carolina. Obama is doing particularly well with one important demographic: voters." --Amy Poehler

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news, which always makes me happy. That's right. This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. ... Yeah, Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, 'Hello, girly men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, we're going to begin tonight with the most important question of the day, and that is, is there a naked woman living in Dick Cheney's sunglasses? That's the question that has been all over both of the internets today. Here's the picture in question [on screen: Kimmel shows picture of Cheney's sunglasses]. You see the reflection of what looks like a nude lady. Which would also explain why he's smiling, which he doesn't usually do, unless he's invading something. But the White House said it's his hand on the fishing rod. I love that they even have to comment on this. ... Also today, another shocking photo on the internet, this one of former president Bill Clinton. If you look closely, you see there are no naked ladies reflected in his sunglasses. His spokesman had no reasonable explanation for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

#824

Late Night From 04/12

"Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, 'Drop Dead,' to a new policy called 'Go F*ck Yourself Plus.'" --Bill Maher

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"A new report from the Associated Press, says that the senior Bush administration officials met regularly in the White House to discuss and approve specific torture techniques. All the heavy hitters were there. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, and Ashcroft and Tenet. Everybody except Bush himself, they left him with a sitter." --Bill Maher

"Yeah, a lot of people want Bush to boycott the Olympics. ... Seems to me that's very backwards. If you're trying to piss off the Chinese, don't you want to send President Bush over to China. 'Hey, squinty! When do I get to see the ninjas?' They'll be like, 'Oh, f*ck it, Tibet is free, just get this moron away from me.'" --Bill Maher

Wed., April 23, 2008

#825

Late Night From 04/14

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"General David Petraeus was grilled by the presidential candidates and other congressional leaders on Capitol Hill for two days last week. He said he couldn't wait to get back to Iraq, where the government is much more friendly and compassionate." --Jay Leno

"The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who's picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It's the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that's when you know your presidency is winding down, when you're picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he's single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That'll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he'll be performing in an exorcism at 'The View.' So he will have his work cut out for him there." --David Letterman

"You know, I hear what you're all saying, but doesn't elite mean good? Is that not something we're looking for in a president anymore? You know what, candidates? Come with me. I know elite is a bad word in politics. You want to go bowling and throw back a few beers. But the job you're applying for, if you get it and it goes well, they might carve your head into a mountain. If you don't actually think you're better than us, then what the f*ck are you doing?" --Jon Stewart

Thursday, April 24, 2008

#826

Late Night From 04/15

"President Bush actually met the pope at the airport. He picked him up. That wasn't easy, you know, they don't let you stop at the curb anymore. So, Bush had to keep circling. Bush is driving by, [and] the pope is trying to flag him down." --Jay Leno

"It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don't think President Bush is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, 'So, where's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day." --Jay Leno

"This seemed odd to me. For the pope's arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they're going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn't there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney's?" --Jay Leno

"We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he'll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee?" --Jay Leno

"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president? He's not the president anymore. Now he's like your college stoner roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon Stewart

"Obviously picking up the pope at the airport is, I don't want to make fun. It's an important job. Been a very long flight. I'm sure the pope is probably a little tired. He gets off the plane. There's a lot of people there. You're gonna want to make sure you have proper signage when you get him [on screen: A photo of Bush at the airport, with a sign saying "POPE"]." --Jon Stewart

Friday, April 25, 2008

#827

Late Night From 04/16
Part 1

"The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn't attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, 'You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal." --Jay Leno

"Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." --Jay Leno

"Now, you may have seen this earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the pope's plane land yesterday? I think it's called, was it 'Shepherd One'? Is that the name of the pope's plane? 'Shepherd One'? And he's also German, isn't he? ... So that would make it 'German Shepherd One.'" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, Hillary Clinton continuing to attack Barack Obama. Hillary says Barack is an elitist who thinks he's smarter than most people. Is that a bad thing? Wouldn't it be nice for a change to have a president that's actually smarter than most people? Shouldn't that be one of the qualifications for the job? That you're actually smarter than most people?" --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think President Bush starting to change his opinion on global warming. Today, he announced an initiative to combat global warming. Again, I don't think he really understands the issue. He says his first act would be to order the Department of Energy to start drilling for solar power." --Jay Leno

Saturday, April 26, 2008

#828

Late Night From 04/16
Part 2

"According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way." --Jay Leno

"And coincidentally, today is the pope's 81st birthday. Isn't that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats." --David Letterman

"And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!" --David Letterman

"Even though it was his party, the pope did have to make a speech in which he praised America's freedom of religion and afterwards, President Bush showed why he is, and always will be, the funniest president in history [on screen: Pres. Bush telling the pope he gave an 'awesome speech']. Well, if you missed it, what he said there, he said, 'Thanks your Holiness, awesome speech.' Thanks your holiness, awesome speech. Now, I'm surprised he didn't give him a high-five. When did the president actually become Will Ferrell's impression of him from 'Saturday Night Live'?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush and Pope Benedict]. Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, April 27, 2008

#829

Late Night From 04/17
Part 1

"How many watched the debate last night? [on screen: Light cheers and a few boos]. How many watched 'American Idol?' [on screen: Loud cheers and applause]. You get the government you deserve." --Jay Leno

"On 'Hardball' the other day, a student asked John McCain to do shots with him after the debate, and all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Granddad. He likes that. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a a shot of Old Crow, straight up." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced his plan this week to limit greenhouse gases. He said he will ban all greenhouses. See, I don't think he understands exactly what's going on." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday, of course, was Pope Benedict's birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. You may have seen that. As you know, the pope does not drink, he does not do drugs, and he's taken a vow of celibacy. So it's pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party." --Jay Leno

Monday, April 28, 2008

#830

Late Night From 04/17
Part 2

"In fact, you know, I think President Bush got a a little bit confused yesterday, when he heard it was the pope's birthday. You know, like, he said, 'His birthday? Where are we gonna get a Christmas tree this time of the year?' I don't think he understands the Catholic religion. It's a little different." --Jay Leno

"And at the party yesterday, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil, and then Dick Cheney gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"These international trips are tricky. And often there can be some confusion and perhaps some embarrassment. They had an episode today in Washington, everybody is laughing about it now. But at the time, it was not funny. The pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." --David Letterman

"And then, you know what they did? The pope, God bless him, has the popemobile. He said the mass and he takes off in the popemobile, and then President Bush followed him in the dopemobile." --David Letterman

"Last night, Senators Clinton and Obama debated. Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos have been getting grief for rehashing the old issues. They're all old issues. You know, what are you going to debate? Dentistry? Meanwhile, over on the Republican side, I guess John McCain has been feeling a little left out because tonight, he organized a debate against himself." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

#831

Late Night From 04/18

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I'd be a little suspicious." --Bill Maher

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

"And not to be outdone on this subject, George Bush made a speech this week on global warming. The good news? He finally admits it's real. The bad news? He wants to invade the sun." --Bill Maher

"And this is interesting. Congressman Jack Murtha said that John McCain is too old to be president. To which McCain said, 'Hehhh?'" --Jay Leno

"A new ABC poll says 58% of Americans don't think Hillary is honest or trustworthy. 58%? You know what you call a politician with numbers like that? President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

Wed., April 30, 2008

#832

vacation

Thursday, May 1, 2008

#833

vacation

Friday, May 2, 2008

#834

vacation

Saturday, May 3, 2008

#835

vacation

Sunday, May 4, 2008

#836

vacation

Monday, May 5, 2008

#837

vacation

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

#838

vacation

Wed., May 7, 2008

#839

vacation

Thursday, May 8, 2008

#840

vacation

Friday, May 9, 2008

#841

Late Night From 04/21

"This is weird. I'm not making this up. ... Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show 'Deal or No Deal.' President Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Afterwards, Bush said, 'I like this show, because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you like John McCain? John McCain looks like the kind of guy that doesn't pick the phone up until the 12th ring. You know what I mean? He looks like the kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who thinks the cleaning woman will love any crap he's tossing out" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Now here's something interesting. You know the Howie Mandel blockbuster quiz show, the game show 'Deal or No Deal?' Earlier tonight, appearing on 'Deal or No Deal,' President Bush. Meanwhile, over at ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars,' Dick Cheney collapsed.

"But it's true, Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman

"According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist." --Jay Leno

"In an interview, First Lady Laura Bush, who used to be a librarian, ... says she cannot fall asleep without reading. ... As opposed to her husband, who can't read without falling asleep." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of reading, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is now working on a book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. It will be a while before it goes to the publisher because cause he just doesn't know how to end it." --Jay Leno

Saturday, May 10, 2008

#842

Late Night From 04/22

"And this is great. She's been trying to convince the voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. I was thinking about this. Come on. If she was really pro-gun, Bill would be dead." --David Letterman

"Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters, while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right, because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, working on a new book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. The book just came out, we have a first copy here. It's called, 'Don't Blame Me. It was Cheney's Idea.'" --Jay Leno

"Also in Washington this week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now, if you reverse HUD, you get 'duh.'" --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 11, 2008

#843

Late Night From 04/23

"Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 am phone call, and McCain says he is ready for the 3 pm nap." --David Letterman

"John McCain, no one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. He's just wandering around, nobody's talking about him. So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, earlier this week, all three presidential candidates made appearances on the WWE's "Monday Night Raw." How many think having candidates for president appear on a wrestling show cheapens the political process? How many think the wrestling show was cheapened by having the candidates on?" --Jay Leno

"And Monday night, President Bush made a surprise appearance on the TV show 'Deal or No Deal.' Yesterday morning, first lady Laura Bush was a guest host on the 'Today' show. I understand tomorrow, Vice President Dick Cheney is set to play his own evil twin on 'Days of Our Lives.'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain is now beginning a campaign to try and attract African-American voters. Now, McCain says that although he never marched with Martin Luther King, he did march with General Sherman through the South during the Civil War. So that's got to count for something." --Jay Len

Monday, May 12, 2008

#844

Late Night From 04/24

"How 'bout that John McCain, you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like a guy who goes grocery shopping and yells at the bagboy, 'Put the eggs on top. Hey, hey junior, put the eggs on top.' He looks like a guy who still calls the TV the 'Idiot Box.' ... He looks like a guy you take shopping and have to yell into the changing room, 'Everything alright in there, pop?'" --David Letterman

"It's been reported that President Bush was so impressed with Pope Benedict's recent visit, that after he leaves office Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, 'I'd convert right now, but Dick Cheney freaks out if you get near him with a cross'" --Conan O'Brien

"This campaign is very tough on the Democrats because they have to fight it out even longer. McCain, see, the only thing he has to fight is regularity." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson

"I don't want to sit next to John McCain. I don't want to be the one who has to cut his meat into little pieces." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, experts say the big test for Barack Obama will be surviving the negative attacks. The big test for Hillary Clinton, of course, is surviving North Carolina. The big test for John McCain is just surviving until November." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

#845

Late Night From 04/25

"John McCain has spent this week campaigning in what he calls the 'forgotten areas' of the country. He is visiting places that are being ignored by our leaders, places like Pennsylvania now, now that the primary is over. See, unfortunately, at McCain's age, as soon as he leaves these forgotten areas, he forgot he was there." --Jay Leno

"You folks excited about the big presidential campaign, the big shoot-out with the Democrats? Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama. Here's a big endorsement. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Bruce Springsteen. Yup. I'm not done. Earlier today, John McCain was endorsed by Yanni." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman

"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien

"And his daughter, you know, is getting married, Jenna Bush. She was on Larry King talking about it. Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because she said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' Because they haven't been on TV a lot. But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"I looked at a poll, which was really interesting. Only 27% of Democrats say global warming is a top priority, which I think is shameful. But 12% of Republicans think global warming [is a top priority]. Now there's the difference between the parties: one is lame, and one is super-lame." --Bill Maher

Wed., May 14, 2008

#846

Late Night From 04/28

"John McCain is trying to get attention. People aren't really paying attention to him as much. But he's doing his best. He's out there. His slogan is 'Yes, I'm here.' Someone please pay attention to me." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. He's in Florida. Yeah, McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him 'the Kid.' ... His charming youthfulness amuses them." --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC. President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn't know the song, 'The Wheels on the Bus.' They go 'round and 'round, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"If you're following the campaign, you know John McCain is currently on his tour of forgotten places. He's touring what he calls forgotten places. Of course, when you're 71, the room you just walked into is a forgotten place, isn't it? 'Why did I come in here again? I was just here.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed, since oil prices went up, Dick Cheney hasn't had one heart attack?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration wants our nation's 80 million recreational boaters to help fight terrorism by watching out for small boats that could deliver a nuclear bomb. Well, that should work out well, huh? You got a bunch of beer-drinking fishermen in bass boats with rifles. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

Thursday, May 15, 2008

#847

Late Night From 04/29

"Of course, the Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die. You know, they're trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the wedding of President Bush's daughter, he's gonna be the minister." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy, but he stubbornly refused to say the word 'recession.' He would not say the word 'recession.' Instead, President Bush said our country is headed towards something with three syllables that rhymes with refression." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman

"Back during his 2000 run, when McCain once displaced his feather, there was a momentary panic in the campaign until his wife found it in one of his suits. At least he told her it was his lucky feather. He could have just been seeing some other tall blonde [on screen: photo of Cindy McCain next to Big Bird]. In addition, he won't take a salt shaker from a passer's hand. Also won't throw a hat on a bed. A lot of people don't know about that superstition, but it's an old saying from McCain's childhood: Throw a hat on the bed, woolly mammoth make you dead." --Stephen Colbert

"There are nine months left in office for President Bush, and he's keeping very busy. Today, he held a press conference to talk about the economy. It was a solid press conference for the president, he pronounced the word stimulus correctly almost every single time. He wouldn't come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn't care that much anymore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was also at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. He did a little comedy routine there, too. And, he grabbed the baton and conducted the Marine Corps band [on screen: video of Bush conducting the band]. The man leading that band is also leading this country. And I think he did a better job with the band." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, May 16, 2008

#848

server down

Saturday, May 17, 2008

#849

Late Night From 04/29

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy, but he stubbornly refused to say the word 'recession.' He would not say the word 'recession.' Instead, President Bush said our country is headed towards something with three syllables that rhymes with refression." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman

"Nation, I am sick and tired of all the jokes about John McCain's age. The only thing older than a McCain is old joke is John McCain. That guy is ancient. But there is so much more to the senator than his extreme age. He's also extremely superstitious. According to the Washington Times, John McCain always carries around a lucky penny, a lucky nickel, a lucky quarter, a lucky feather, a lucky compass and a lucky four leaf clover. The only unlucky thing around John McCain is the person behind him at airport security." --Stephen Colbert

"Back during his 2000 run, when McCain once displaced his feather, there was a momentary panic in the campaign until his wife found it in one of his suits. At least he told her it was his lucky feather. He could have just been seeing some other tall blonde [on screen: photo of Cindy McCain next to Big Bird]. In addition, he won't take a salt shaker from a passer's hand. Also won't throw a hat on a bed. A lot of people don't know about that superstition, but it's an old saying from McCain's childhood: Throw a hat on the bed, woolly mammoth make you dead." --Stephen Colbert

"There are nine months left in office for President Bush, and he's keeping very busy. Today, he held a press conference to talk about the economy. It was a solid press conference for the president, he pronounced the word stimulus correctly almost every single time. He wouldn't come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn't care that much anymore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was also at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. He did a little comedy routine there, too. And, he grabbed the baton and conducted the Marine Corps band . The man leading that band is also leading this country. And I think he did a better job with the band." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, May 18, 2008

#850

Late Night From 04/30

"President Bush is taking a lot of heat right now, with the economy. President Bush has just been accused of trying to avoid questions about the economy. Because during yesterday's press conference, he told a reporter that she looked good in yellow and then asked about her baby. Even more embarrassing for Bush, the reporter was Wolf Blitzer." --Conan O'Brien

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' - 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama said in a speech yesterday, he now officially repudiates the Reverend Wright. To which President Bush said, 'Repudiate. That's like a black word, right?' I don't think he gets it. Like ebonics, I think." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you know this? It was 219 years ago today [when] George Washington took office as our first president. And John McCain said, 'Has it been 219 years already? How time flies! Where does the time go?' See, I know he's watching tonight." --Jay Leno

"And this week, the government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600, plus $300 for every child you have. That means so far, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have taken in over $44,000. Pretty nice." --Jay Leno

Monday, May 19, 2008

#851

Late Night From 05/01

"In a recent interview, Barbara Walters said that when she was young, she had an affair with a member of the Senate. Yeah, it turns out, it was a member of the Roman Senate." --Conan O'Brien

"Today also happens to be the fifth anniversary of the day that President Bush stood in front of an aircraft carrier with the huge 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind him. Turned out, unless the mission was to blow two trillion dollars and wind up with four dollar a gallon gas, it wasn't accomplished. ... I'm going to miss President Bush, as a comedian. Not as an American." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it's good news. Government figures released by President Bush today shows we are not in a recession. Yeah. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. Then you're screwed." --Jay Leno

"Well, last night we had Cindy McCain on. Nice woman. You know, she talked abut her favorite antique, her husband." --Jay Leno

"Honest to God, David Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes. Now that's entertainment. Are you with me on that? Underwater for 17 minutes without breathing. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, interrogation." --David Letterman

"The president donned his money-colored tie Tuesday to deliver a message to Congress [on screen: video of Bush suggesting the tax cuts be made permanent]. Are you suggesting we take the policies that got us into this mess in the first place and render them irrevocable? Stewart, imitating Bush: 'Here's what I'm saying. We dug a big hole for ourselves, people. What I think we need to do is just keep digging. Because eventually we'll get to China. Apparently, they have all our money'" --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

#852

Late Night From 05/02

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno

"That makes him the most unpopular president in history, and math and science, too." --Jay Leno

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno

"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno

"And a little bit of history for you. It was this week in 1803 that Thomas Jefferson completed the Louisiana Purchase. That was back in the day when presidents actually cared about what happened to Louisiana." --Jay Leno

Wed., May 21, 2008

#853

Late Night From 05/05

"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The federal government announced that the economy lost jobs for the fourth straight month in a row. But President Bush tried to turn it around by saying, 'The good news is, we anticipated this.' See, that's the good news. So what is he saying? 'See, I knew I was going to screw up the economy. And guess what. I was right.' All of a sudden, that response to Hurricane Katrina is starting to make sense now." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Pentagon announced a new policy aimed at reducing the stigma associated with seeing a psychiatrist. It says soldiers and military people who need counseling with a psychiatrist will no longer have to mention that when they apply for a job with a high security clearance. I think that's a good policy. Look, if you work for the Pentagon and you buy a hammer for $9,000, you should be able to see a psychiatrist." --Jay Leno

Thursday, May 22, 2008

#854

Late Night From 05/06

"President Bush is busy, meanwhile. President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night. Si. ... And he said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor' Very nice, yeah. Then Bush said, 'And by 'neighbor,' I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and ever leaves.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don't want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can't, of course, anymore." --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There'll be 200 guests at the wedding, which, according the latest polls, means that 140 of those people at the wedding disapprove of the job President Bush is doing." --Jay Leno

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"And Indiana and North Carolina held their primaries today. But the Democrats are now saying that Hillary and Barack could be battling for the nomination well into June. Now, aren't they acting more and more like Republicans? Neither one of them has an exit strategy, you know?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn't do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nation, the more I learn about John McCain, the more I like his maverick spirit. For instance, his critics say he's too old. So what does McCain do? He keeps aging. The politically expedient thing would be to grow younger. McCain clearly doesn't care what the polls say. But there is one recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that he should pay attention to. It found that 32% of Americans consider Barack Obama's connection to Reverand Wright a major concern. But 43% are concerned about John McCain's connection to George Bush. In other words, the biggest political albatross heading into November is George Bush. That is a shame, especially considering everything President Bush has done to ensure the extinction of albatrosses." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, May 23, 2008

#855

Late Night From 05/07

"President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman

"Everybody knows Barack Obama has a problem with the Reverend Wright issue. Americans, I think 35% said that they were concerned about his relationship with the reverend. You, sir, have your own person, religious - I don't want to say zealot - but a religious person endorsing your campaign that Americans have expressed greater concern, your relationship with him - 43%. Will you take the opportunity right now to repudiate and denounce President Bush?" --Jon Stewart to John McCain

Saturday, May 24, 2008

#856

Late Night From 05/08

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"Now here's what I don't understand about government and politics and stuff like that. ... Earlier today, President Bush asked Congress to okay ... an additional $50 billion for his daughter's wedding." --David Letterman

"This weekend, in Crawford, Texas, at the Bush family ranch, one of president Bush's daughter, Jenna, will be getting married. As a matter of fact, tomorrow she is getting married. And I thought this was cute. Because the groom went to President Bush and he asked President Bush for his daughter's hand in marriage. And President Bush said, 'Well, it's okay with me, but you gotta run it by Cheney.'" --David Letterman

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 25, 2008

#857

Late Night From 05/10

"You know who's getting married tomorrow, do you have any idea? One of the Bush twins. Jenna Bush is getting married tomorrow in Crawford, Texas, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be there, so it's going to be a shotgun wedding." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It'll be a relatively small wedding. Only her family's loved ones will be there: the CEOs of the five major oil companies." --Jay Leno

"Boy, that's got to be every girl's dream, don't you think? Getting married in Crawford, Texas? And to add a little icing to the cake, I understand they're gonna be honeymooning in Plano." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting fact about the wedding a lot of people didn't know. Since her father's approval rating is only 29%, she has asked John McCain to give her away" --Jay Leno

"To help improve his approval ratings, today, President Bush reached out to the gay community. He shook hands with his daughter's wedding planner." --Jay Leno

"Hillary says she's staying in the race because there are new patterns emerging, such as lower educated white men are now supporting her. That's what she said. Polls show she has strong support among lesser-educated white males. So you know what that means: President Bush could be voting for her now." --Jay Leno

"The state of Israel turns 60 on Thursday, meaning it won't be long before it moves to Florida." --Amy Poehler

"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. Aw, that's cute, said oil." --Amy Poehler

Monday, May 26, 2008

#858

Late Night From 05/12

That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years." --David Letterman

"Beautiful wedding down there in Crawford, Texas. They had a great time. And everybody enjoyed a lovely reception. And Bush danced with all the guests. And then Cheney shot the cake." --David Letterman

"No, everyone, apparently, had a very good time at the wedding. And afterwards, the press asked him, and President Bush said it was 'spectacular.' Yeah, when asked why, President Bush said, 'Three words: the chicken dance.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"And former congressman Bob Barr entered the race today as a Libertarian. He's a Libertarian. See, I don't think Bush understands these terms. When they asked Bush about it, he said, 'Look, I don't care if the guy doesn't eat meat, what does he stand for?'" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

#859

Late Night From 05/13

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Actually, Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced this week that he will go to Saudi Arabia and meet with King Abdullah. That's got to be nerve-wracking for President Bush, huh? Being called to the carpet by the big boss." --Jay Leno

"With all the problems we have going on right here, how many think it's a mistake for him [Bush] to leave the country? I'm curious. How many think the mistake is him coming back?" --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how low President Bush's approval rating is right now, at his daughter's wedding last weekend, he wasn't in any of the photos. You know that? 'Can you step aside? Excuse me, excuse me, can you move out of the picture?'" --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush and her husband, Henry Hager, are honeymooning in Europe right now. That's what they're doing. And President Bush is nothing if not consistent. Like he said, there's no timetable for bringing him home. That's what he said. They're not bringing him back any time soon." --Jay Leno

Wed., May 28, 2008

#860

Late Night From 05/14

>"John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he's everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien

>"Although, Hillary Clinton was quick to point out Dennis Kucinich still has not endorsed anyone yet. Still on the fence there. I don't want to say Hillary is doing badly in the delegate count, but she's so far behind, her Secret Service code name is now NBC." --Jay Leno

> "And according to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. When they told John McCain about this, he said, 'Huh?'" --Jay Leno

>"Where is President Bush? Well, I'll tell you where President Bush is today. President Bush is in Israel. That's where he is today. He is there looking for kinishes of mass destruction." --David Letterman

> "Here's the reason, the day before, John McCain was in the Pacific Northwest, and one of the things he did, he strolled through a redwood forest, took a nice, long walk through a redwood forest, and you know what, folks? He was the oldest thing in the forest." --David Letterman

>"To add to Hillary's misery today, former North Carolina senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama in Michigan. ... And if there was ever any doubt that Barack Obama has what it takes to be a president of the United States, that doubt was erased during a campaign stop in Oregon [on screen: video of Obama saying he's visited all 57 states]. As you can see there, he's definitely ready to take over for President Bush. He needs rest. Some crazy lady keeps calling him at 3:00 a.m. every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, May 29, 2008

#861

Late Night From 05/15

"Huge political fireworks today after President Bush went to Israel and he talked about American politicians who might want to talk with Hamas or other leaders. Politicians who would sit down and appease terrorists. He said he would not do it. He would not put up with it. He would never talk to terrorists. And then he flew to Saudi Arabia to spend a couple of days with the Saudi royal family." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Pentagon announced this week, the reward for capturing al Qaeda leader in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri dropped from $5 million to $100,000. Well, here's my question. I mean, if nobody turned him in for $5 million, why would you then turn him in for $100,000?" --Jay Leno

"Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal. Experts call the California ruling a great victory for gay Mexicans." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, I have a great idea for us tonight. Let's all get gay married. The Supreme Court overturned the statewide ban on same-sex marriage. The ruling goes into effect 30 days from today, which means that on June 15, after years of struggles, California's gay population will finally have the opportunity to make the biggest mistake of their lives, too. This is what happens when you have a governor who you have seen shirtless more often than in a suit." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, May 30, 2008

#862

Late Night From 05/16

"President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message [on screen: photo of Bush standing in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner]" --Amy Poehle

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was just in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. He gets a little confused. He kept saying, 'So where's Paula Abdullah?' I don't think he understands." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn't have to attack him over here." --Jay Leno

And the other day, John McCain made a speech about what things will be like five years from now. See, normally, a guy that age starts talking about the next five years, the word 'assisted living' usually comes up." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Barack Obama, I guess he's having his differences with President Bush. Barack Obama says that President Bush refusing to meet with Iran's president would have been like Richard Nixon refusing to meet with Mao Zedong. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Look, if he's going to make people up...'" --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, May 31, 2008

#863

Late Night From 05/19

"The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member, Senator Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That's got to make Hillary feel good, huh? Even the Klan guy is going, 'I'm gonna go with the black guy.'" --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, John McCain spoke about what he hopes to achieve by the end of his first term as president. McCain spoke about his vision, which he said was a little blurry and not good at night.

"According to these latest financial disclosures, Dick Cheney is worth somewhere between $20 million and $100 million. I mean, could they be more vague? Isn't that like an $80 million gap? Apparently, Cheney's accountant is the same guy telling Hillary she still has a mathematical chance of winning.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the country of Saudi Arabia is run by the Saudi royal family. Boy, imagine allowing someone to run a country just 'cause his dad ran the country. Thank God that could never happen here." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also going after John McCain. In a speech today, Barack Obama accused John McCain of trying to bankrupt social security. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, not by voting against it, just by collecting it for 80 years." --Conan O'Brien

"Now here's what is troubling to me. This Osama bin Laden. I mean, remember when he was wanted, dead or alive? Remember that? That was like eight years ago. Yeah. And now he is still recording and releasing audiotapes and videotapes. It's not right, I tell you, ladies and gentlemen. In fact, there is a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden and you can tell this one is current because in this tape, he takes credit for making that guy fly in the JetBlue rest room." --David Letterman

Sunday, June 01, 2008

#864

Late Night From 05/20

"Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. He's gonna travel all through Europe, yeah. President Bush says he's really excited to go to Europe, because he's never seen a kangaroo." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, I guess she won today. We don't have the official tally yet. Today's primaries in Kentucky and Oregon. So you had the Bluegrass state, and the primo grass state." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That's the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama got a big endorsement this week. Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who, believe it or not, is a former exulted cyclops of the KKK, no kidding around, said he will cast his superdelegate vote for Barack Obama. Not a great time for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Barack Obama. ... By the way, don't be surprised if tomorrow he endorses Hillary Clinton, or Walter Mondale or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, June 02, 2008

#865

Late Night From 05/21

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien

"While Barack Obama was visiting the Indian reservation, this is also true, the chief gave him the Indian name 'Black Eagle.' Then the chief admitted that his Indian name is 'Big Chief Lazy Nicknamer.' 'Black Eagle, I don't know! Don't ask me how I came up with that!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, the Democratic primaries are almost over. Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. ... Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana's black voters, but they both moved to Idaho." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, last night, the Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. Do you know what that means? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can't believe it's still on the air." --Jay Leno

"Well, as expected, they both won one last night. It doesn't mean anything. Barack Obama won Oregon, and Hillary won big in Kentucky. She beat Barack, what, 65% to 30%? Or, as they call it down South, a double-wide margin." --Jay Leno

"And then John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

#866

Late Night From 05/22

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"They say what's driving up the price of oil is a belief in the futures market that there will be a shortage in five years. Okay, so raise the price in five years!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it 'a contest of the past versus the future.' How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? Are you sick of it? The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax returns, President Bush is not as wealthy now as he was when first became president. Wow! ... How much did that wedding cost last week?" --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., June 04, 2008

#867

Late Night From 05/23
Part 1

"John McCain's in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of McCain's medical records, John McCain's doctor says that McCain's service in the Vietnam War is unlikely to have any affect on his health. I think that's great. Yeah. However, the doctor says that McCain's health might be affected by his service in the Civil War. ... A slight musket wound in the toe." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain today made public his medical records. It was a huge document, almost 1,200 pages long. More than 84 pages on his ear hair alone. ... I guess somebody went through it. He's in great shape. Doctors say he could potentially live all the way through 2010. So that's good news." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever. $18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out." --Jay Leno

"I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. The candidates are very excited to go. They say the only downside -- they hate it when he keeps pushing that bowl of ribbon candy on them. 'Try the butterscotch.'" --Jay Leno

Thursday, June 05, 2008

#868

Late Night From 05/23
Part 2

"The only other uncomfortable thing about McCain's household is plastic on the furniture." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, on the news, they stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration?" --Jay Leno

"And McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he's healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God!" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he's been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he's dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account" --Jay Leno

Friday, June 06, 2008

#869

Late Night From 05/27

"We're gonna start off with a little something from still-President Bush. Although, this is him not misspeaking during a Memorial Day ceremony [on screen: video of Bush saying those in the military are 'awesome']. They are awesome! He didn't f--- that up at all! They do inspire awe. He is correct. Now, you'll recall, recently on the program we showed the president using that word less than appropriately [on screen: video of Bush telling Pope Benedict he gave an 'awesome speech']. In Bush's defense, the pope's speech was the shiznit! I mean, seriously, the pope was totally high when he gave that speech. Had a belly full of Funyuns and he still nailed it. But in the past couple of months, awesome for the president is the new [thing] [on screen: Bush using the word 'awesome' in many different contexts. The montages ends with a clip of Bush saying 'awesome' is now a presidential word]. It didn't used to be. Previously, it was used primarily to describe, you know, skateboarding. Or pizza. Or dog on a skateboard eating a pizza. That would be awesome." --Jon Stewart

"You know who did not get a break last week? John McCain. Who took a lot of heat over his endorsement from two controversial preachers, Rod Parsley and John Hagee. Now, I'm not a big fan of Reverend Hagee. He lost me when he called the Catholic church the 'apostate church' and 'the great whore.' I've got no problem with the apostate part, because I don't know what that word means. But the great whore? You're talking about a religion that is against condoms and the pill. We would be terrible whores. Unless you're into pregnant whores, in which case, shame on you." --Stephen Colbert

"Now at first, it looked like McCain was gonna stand by his man, until footage surfaced of a Hagee sermon about the Holocaust and it went a little something like this [on screen: audio clip of Hagee's sermon, in which he said God allowed the Holocaust to happen as a warning to the Jews to come back to Israel]. That is right. God used the Holocaust to send the Jews a message. Remember, this was before e-Vites. So last week, John McCain rejected Hagee's endorsement, saying 'When someone endorses me, that does not mean that I embrace their views.' True, McCain quoted Hagee's endorsements not because he believed what Hagee believed, but because he believed something much more important. It would get him votes. It's called faith." --Stephen Colbert

"Last week, the California Supreme Court handed down a ruling legalizing gay marriage. Now, many are shocked and outraged. I get the outrage. But shocked? That California is pro-gay? I assume these are the same people who were shocked when Elton John finally came out, even though he had been wearing fuchsia sun goggles with windshield wipers for years. The argument over gay marriage rages on. And I think I have a solution. If gay or lesbian couples want to get married, one of you just say you are a man, and the other just say you're a woman. You won't have to change your name, or the way you dress. We'll take your word for it. No one will ask you to drop trou and whip it out, okay? That's illegal. I know that for a fact" --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, June 07, 2008

#870

Late Night From 05/28

Jon Stewart, on the release of John McCain's medical records: "1,200 pages. And here's the amazing part: It only covered the last eight years. 150 pages a year. I am hoping that that is a font issue [on screen: pages shown with one word on each, in very large font]. What would a 1,200-page document be without totally unnecessary draconian parameters? First, the records were made available for three hours, and could not be taken out of the room. Second, no internet or cell phones were allowed. Third, if you left the room for anything but a bathroom break, you were not allowed to return. And fourth, well, I think that's entirely reasonable [on screen: rule #4: No Masturbating]. I think that, actually, that one was necessary. I'm looking at you, Brit Hume. So what did they find? [on screen: explanation of McCain's various maladies, including kidney stones and high blood pressure]. Yeah. Two small kidney stones. Fairly common malady. No big deal ... There's a montage coming, isn't there? [on screen: montage of different reports saying McCain has had various types of skin cancer and other issues]. Chin herpes. Dry heart. Swimmer's thumb. Inflammation of the rickets. Something called John McCain's Disease. Root fungus, which is apparently more common to trees. But still! That's what they found in three hours. Imagine if they'd had four. Well, I think with all this information we can make a diagnosis [on screen: reporters saying McCain is "fit as a fiddle" and is "in really good health." One reporter also asks whether 71 is the "new 30"]. I guess that makes dead the new 50."

Jon Stewart: "By the way I mention one thing because John McCain is someone I know, someone I respect. I don't usually like to bring personal feelings and let them interfere with my fake journalistic feelings. But a dermatologist was quoted in a report as saying John McCain's, quote, '...buttocks are unremarkable, except for some very light tan freckling.' ... But I need to address this idea, this fallacy, this lie, that John McCain's ass is unremarkable. We have had him on our show over a dozen times. You watch the senator walk out to sit down, but when the interview is over, I have the distinct pleasure of watching this man leave. ... You want to know how remarkable John McCain's buttocks are? When he does the show, we don't even have a warm-up guy to get the audience going. McCain just goes out there and does his ... thing."

Sunday, June 08, 2008

#871

Late Night From 05/28

Jon Stewart, on the release of John McCain's medical records: "1,200 pages. And here's the amazing part: It only covered the last eight years. 150 pages a year. I am hoping that that is a font issue [on screen: pages shown with one word on each, in very large font]. What would a 1,200-page document be without totally unnecessary draconian parameters? First, the records were made available for three hours, and could not be taken out of the room. Second, no internet or cell phones were allowed. Third, if you left the room for anything but a bathroom break, you were not allowed to return. And fourth, well, I think that's entirely reasonable [on screen: rule #4: No Masturbating]. I think that, actually, that one was necessary. I'm looking at you, Brit Hume. So what did they find? [on screen: explanation of McCain's various maladies, including kidney stones and high blood pressure]. Yeah. Two small kidney stones. Fairly common malady. No big deal ... There's a montage coming, isn't there? [on screen: montage of different reports saying McCain has had various types of skin cancer and other issues]. Chin herpes. Dry heart. Swimmer's thumb. Inflammation of the rickets. Something called John McCain's Disease. Root fungus, which is apparently more common to trees. But still! That's what they found in three hours. Imagine if they'd had four. Well, I think with all this information we can make a diagnosis [on screen: reporters saying McCain is "fit as a fiddle" and is "in really good health." One reporter also asks whether 71 is the "new 30"]. I guess that makes dead the new 50."

Jon Stewart: "By the way I mention one thing because John McCain is someone I know, someone I respect. I don't usually like to bring personal feelings and let them interfere with my fake journalistic feelings. But a dermatologist was quoted in a report as saying John McCain's, quote, '...buttocks are unremarkable, except for some very light tan freckling.' ... But I need to address this idea, this fallacy, this lie, that John McCain's ass is unremarkable. We have had him on our show over a dozen times. You watch the senator walk out to sit down, but when the interview is over, I have the distinct pleasure of watching this man leave. ... You want to know how remarkable John McCain's buttocks are? When he does the show, we don't even have a warm-up guy to get the audience going. McCain just goes out there and does his ... thing."

Monday, June 09, 2008

#872

Late Night From 05/29

"Yesterday we were talking about John McCain's recently released medical records. 1,200 pages covering all the diseases he's had in the last eight years from A to Z. From acute oldness to Zabar's elbow. That's a repetitive motion injury, caused by excessive shmearing. ... Fair is fair, so today, Barack Obama released his medical records detailing the last 21 years, and this is them, I kid you not [on screen: Stewart holds up one sheet of paper]. A one-page letter from Obama's doctor stating that the senator -- and it is to whom it may concern -- [is quote] in excellent health and, continuing quote, on physical compassion his blood pressure was 90 over 60, pulse 60 beats per minute, his build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His chest was smooth and hard like the hood of a Mustang. As I watched the dewy beads of moisture glisten on his corrugated stomach, I was thankful this was my last appointment of the day. With trembling hands, I held up his urine sample to the light. There was sedimentation. Anyway, it ends there. My point is, come on. What is he, Achilles, for God's sake? He's got a problem in his heel, that's all I could find." --Jon Stewart

"As for still-President Bush, he's continuing to sprint to the finish. He gave what would be his final address to a graduating class of a service academy at the Academy of the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. How did he handle the occasion? Oh, great, chest bump. Great, that's great, just great [on screen: photo of Bush chest-bumping an Air Force Academy graduate]. When I see the president do the chest bump, I cannot help but think that if he hadn't been f***ing things up for the past seven years, and was goofing around like this, would we love him? Would we be like, he is irrepressible. What a scamp. Or does the whole doing-that-while-Rome-is-burning aspect of his presidency sour us on his exuberance?" --Jon Stewart

"But here's how I explain it. Come with me on the journey, if you will. Imagine that we had never gone into Iraq, that this president had taken immediate and effective action on Katrina, gas was like 99 cents for low-test, and Cheney had never been born. Just imagine that. And then look at these pictures. Look, hey, it's president doing the Heisman, a little ring a ding ding, oh, kiss, kiss, blow, blow, and of course, the old power flick [on screen: montage of photos of Bush at the graduation]. ... But of course, he did f*** things up. So it all just seems asinine." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, yesterday, Democratic party lawyers found that Michigan and Florida must forfeit at least half their delegates for breaking DNC rules and holding primaries early. Michigan responded by changing its shape from a mitten to a angry mitten [on screen: a doctored map of Michigan with a 'middle finger' at the top], while Florida just became limper [on screen: a doctored map of Florida, with the tip of the state drooping to the left]. The decision sets the stage for more Democratic chaos. ... This Saturday, the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic National Committee -- it is a committee of the committee -- will decide what to do about the Florida and Michigan primaries. As you may recall, all the frontrunners agreed not to campaign in those states, and all of them pulled their names from the Michigan ballot, except for Hillary Clinton. Then, huge surprise, Hillary won Michigan! Not, of course, [that] it would ever count [on screen: audio of Clinton saying Florida and Michigan votes won't be counted]. Then, 23 states later and trailing Obama, Clinton added [on screen: audio of Clinton saying the Democratic Party must count the Florida and Michigan votes]. Now, some say this is inconsistent. But I say she's being remarkably consistent in saying whatever it takes to win." --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

#873

Late Night From 06/02

"In his new book, President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, 'I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of President Bush, yesterday -- this is true -- during a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working, because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at 'the machine-making place.' Yeah. Then Bush introduced his new speech writer, a 6-year-old boy named Timmy." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like the Democrats finally solved their delegate problem. It seems the Democratic Party rules panel agreed to allow delegates from Florida and Michigan to take part in the convention, but each delegate will only count as half a vote. You've heard of superdelegates? These are the new fun-sized delegates." --Jay Leno

"No, Barack Obama says he's now looking for a new church, preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain, as you know, has released all his medical records. All indications are McCain is in very good health. But of course, they're still waiting for that report from the coroner." --Jay Leno

"No, they say McCain does take some medication, including Ambien to help him sleep. But they said he could eliminate the sleeping pills if he picks Mitt Romney as vice president." --Jay Leno

"No, McCain's doctor said Senator McCain is decades younger than his age. But then, so is President Bush, who is, what, in his early 60s? But he has the mind of a 12-year-old." --Jay Leno

Wed., June 11, 2008

#874

Late Night From 06/03
Part 1

"The good news: the whole voting process ended tonight. It's all over as of tonight. The bad news: the 2012 Democratic primary starts on Thursday." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has been taking high-speed driving lessons at the Bob Bondurant Driving School in Phoenix. High-speed driving. Well, that's important. When you're married to a guy as old as McCain, you have to know how to drive an ambulance." --Jay Leno

"And former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan's book. He doesn't plan to read it. It's nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It's a book. It's got big words, and not a lot of pictures." --Jay Leno

"And Dick Cheney has apologized to the people of West Virginia for making a joke about inbreeding at their expense. But see, I don't think Cheney gets it. In fact, today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky" --Jay Leno

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

Thursday, June 12, 2008

#875

Late Night From 06/03
Part 2

"Hot today here in New York City. Hot also in Washington. It was so hot today that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself." --David Letterman

"You remember a guy named Al Gore? Does that name ring a bell? He was vice president with Bubba for like two terms, eight years. And then he went out and produced that film, the documentary. He had the book and the film 'An Inconvenient Truth,' you know, about the environment and climate change. Won an Academy Award. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. They're turning that, some people in Italy, are turning 'The Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Are you like me? The first time you saw that movie, you said to yourself, boy, this would be great, if only had it songs? I mean, wow." --David Letterman

"The Associated Press reported today that Barack Obama has won enough delegates to clinch the Democratic presidential nomination. That's what they say. As a result, Hillary Clinton will concede sometime in the next 30 years." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird, a new article in Vanity Fair magazine hints that former President Bill Clinton may have had an affair with actress Gina Gershon. Yeah. Yeah, the Vanity Fair article also hints that John McCain may have had an affair with Estelle Getty. ... Let's hope they didn't videotape that" --Conan O'Brien

"Some other political news, 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, the longest serving senator in American history, was hospitalized yesterday for a mild infection that they say was causing lethargy and sluggishness. ... They pinpointed the problem, and it turns out he's been dead for more than 22 years" --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 13, 2008

#876

Late Night From 06/04
Part 1

"Folks, this is it. Final clearance. All Hillary Clinton jokes must go tonight. Everything must go." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, who secured enough delegates last night to get the nomination. Congratulations to him. Hey, Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama also tried to call John McCain, but McCain had the TV up so loud, he couldn't hear." --Jay Leno

"Now that Barack Obama's going to be the nominee, it shows you how far we've come in this country. Think about this. When a black man named Barack Obama has just as good a chance to blow a sure thing election for the Democrats as white guys like John Kerry and Al Gore, that is progress." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that's why a lot of people admire McCain. That's why he's considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel." --Jay Leno

"What a day here in New York City - the weather, it's 71 and hazy, kind of like John McCain." --David Letterman

"But, you know, people are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Hey, are you folks like me? Do you like drama in outer space? Well, maybe you know about this - the International Space Station, and there's Russian cosmonauts up there right now, and for the last month, the toilet has been busted. Yeah, you're laughing now, and just about now, people down in Houston are on the horn, talking to the Space Station saying, 'Did you jiggle the handle? Try jiggling the handle.' But don't worry about this: Halliburton is sending up a $2 billion plunger." --David Letterman

Saturday, June 14, 2008

#877

Late Night From 06/04
Part 2

"There's no denying it, last night was truly historic. For the first time in the history of American politics, John McCain stayed up past 7:00 p.m. At McCain's rally, well over a dozen people electrified the atmosphere. After the third chant, they forgot his name" --Stephen Colbert

"Before we even get started, Barack Obama, of course, wrapped up the nomination last night. That's the big story. And now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator, last night wasn't really about you! But I'm sure that that sentiment will eventually be reflected in your remarks [on screen: a montage of Clinton's 6/3 remarks in which she talks about herself and not Obama]. But enough about my Hillary Clinton web site. What does your website say about me? [on screen: Clinton talking about how pundits said she was out of the race long ago]. Boooo! Nay sayers, always with their saying of nay. Those pundits never gave you a chance, ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Roll track tape [on screen: montage of pundits talking in 2007, saying Clinton is absolutely going to be the Democratic nominee]. News pundits. They're like the dopplerless weathermen of our times." --Jon Stewart

David Letterman presents the Top Ten Things Overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters. #7: "So they're nominating the guy with the most delegates, superdelegates, and states won? Outrageous!"

Sunday, June 15, 2008

#878

Late Night From 06/05

"I think it's finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn't get it. Like, today she went down to Ikea, because I think she realizes this is the only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"According to the National Intelligence director, only 30% of Afghanistan and its borders are under control by the government. Only 30%. Which sounds bad, until you realize only 20% of California borders are under control." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain said that he's in favor of change. That's what he said. McCain said, 'For example, I just switched from Cialis to Viagra.' A real change. Very nicely done." --Conan O'Brien

"Any way you slice it, the message is pretty clear, and that is, Oprah wins again. Oprah wanted Obama. And now Obama is in the difficult position to decide which of these two very powerful women will be at his side in the race for the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama won the Democratic nomination in part thanks to high turnout among black voters. But now in the general election, he's going to have to get more whites to vote for him. There is a perception among mostly older Americans that Obama might be anti-white, which is kind of ridiculous. People forget the guy's mother is as white as an Osmond." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman presents the Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application: #9: "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"

Monday, June 16, 2008

#879

Late Night From 06/06
Part 1

"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede tomorrow. And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a secret meeting last night at Senator Dianne Feinstein's house. Feinstein said they sat in two comfortable chairs facing one another. And she also had a reclining Barcalounger and a blanket in case McCain showed up. So that was nice." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the Wall Street Journal, a lot of Republicans are very excited about the idea of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal for McCain's running mate. Do you know about this guy? Interesting, interesting guy. He's a child of immigrants from India. His parents came from India, and he can bring youth to the ticket. And of course, McCain's excited because he wants to learn how to use email." --Jay Leno

"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

#880

Late Night From 06/06
Part 2

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is set to enjoy his first weekend as the Democratic nominee for president. He and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting last night in Washington, DC. ... One of the topics they are rumored to have discussed is Hillary's $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that, but she's still going to be on the hook for most of it. Today, she outlined a broad-based plan for recouping that money. Her plan is to marry, and then divorce, Paul McCartney." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wed., June 18, 2008

#881

Late Night From 06/09

"And John Edwards says he has ruled out running for vice president. Not because he doesn't consider it an honor. He just doesn't want to move into a smaller house." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Jay, wheezing]: 'I'll be okay. Give me a minute!'" --Jay Leno

"And former presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee is being called a hero, a hero. Did you hear about this? After he saved a man's life over the weekend by performing the Heimlich maneuver. He saved a man from choking. In fact, the Lakers have a call in to him right now. They're trying to get him on staff!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, true story, Barack Obama took a break from the campaign to take his family on a bike ride. It's nice. Meanwhile, John McCain took his family for a ride on his Rascal scooter." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, June 19, 2008

#882

Late Night From 06/10

"Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.' That's what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, I'll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we'll see it by the end of the week." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let's hope it's as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama spoke with John McCain on the phone. I don't want to say McCain is getting old, but halfway through the conversation, McCain said to Barack, 'Can you put your mommy on?'" --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new slogan. 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' That's a good slogan. Don't confuse that with President Bush's slogan, 'We Can't Believe He's Our Leader.'" --Jay Leno

"And you may have heard, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is being called a hero. He saved a man's life over the weekend, really, by performing the Heimlich maneuver. Saved a man from choking. And in a related story, Senator Larry Craig performed the Heimlich maneuver on three men, none of whom were choking" --Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain gave a speech this morning to small business leaders. I don't like to give my opinions when it comes to politics, because I don't know much more than anybody else does, but I want to say right now if John McCain really is planning to do what he indicated he would do today, I will do everything in my power to stop him from getting to the White House (on screen: video of McCain's speech, in which he says he will veto beer, instead of 'bill with earmarks']. You heard what he said. He's going to veto all our beer! You keep your vetoes off my beer, old man. I swear to God, I'll do something stupid. Doesn't seem like a way to get elected, though, does it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 20, 2008

#883

Late Night From 06/11
Part 1

"Barack Obama has kind of a special email relationship with Scarlett Johansson, a beautiful, beautiful actress. They exchange emails, and that reminded me that I also have an internet relationship with Scarlett Johansson, but she doesn't know anything about it." --David Letterman

"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that's the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions." --Jay Leno

"Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. And there's talk of Rue McClanahan." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in Europe right now, on a tour of Germany, Italy, France, England, and several other countries that hate him. While he's gone, don't worry, America safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney, the White House terrier." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it's sort of like a farewell tour for the president, before he returns home to kick off his six month good riddance tour here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But meanwhile, the guy who might be replacing President Bush, Barack Obama, or, as I've been calling him around the office, Barry O, admits he is still struggling to quit smoking. You may remember when he announced that he was running for president, he vowed to give up cigarettes. But he admitted to reporters yesterday that he fell off the wagon a few months ago, and now his political opponents are trying to use that against him [on screen: fake video from McCain that says second-hand smoke kills, which means that Obama wants to kill us all by smoking]" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, June 21, 2008

#884

Late Night From 06/11
Part 2

"There's an old saying in Washington that the nastiest four-letter word in government is c**t. And you know that adage is as true today as it was when the saying was first etched on the side of the Jefferson Memorial. Now, you may be sitting there wondering, a) why you let the kids watch with you tonight, and b) why the dry history lesson, professor? Well, turns out that one of the gentlemen running for president has been accused of dropping the 'c' bomb while engaged in a heated debate on the floor of the living room of his own house. According to a new, unauthorized biography, 'The Real McCain,' one time, after his wife, Cindy, told him his hair didn't look good, Senator McCain responded, 'At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c**t.' ... Okay, seems a little harsh. But in his defense, Senator McCain's a Navy man. It's just salty Navy talk. He's not trying to hide. You've seen his campaign slogan: 'John McCain: Experience You C**ts Can Count On' [on screen: McCain standing in front of the green background, with that 'slogan' written behind him]. ... Is this story true? Who knows. But the important thing is, it's out there. Signaling that we have officially moved into the 'character assassination portion of our presidential campaigns." --Jon Stewart

"But who will stop Obama? Take these two former Clinton supporters and co-founders of 'Women for Fair Politics' [on screen: two Clinton supporters talking on Fox News about how they will support McCain because of the sexism that they say came from the Obama campaign during the primary]. Wow! So McCain has the 'blind spite vote' locked up. 'Because of sexism, we're going to go with C**t McPatriarch.' But Obama's problem isn't just sexism. He's also been charged with elitism [on screen: New York Times' David Brooks saying Obama wouldn't fit in at the Applebee's salad bar]. Can we really afford a commander-in-chief so unfamiliar with Applebee's that he won't know what to do in the event of a 3 a.m. triple-chocolate meltdown? You know why Barack Obama wouldn't fit in at an Applebee's salad bar? Because Applebee's doesn't have salad bars." --Jon Stewart

"But clearly David Brooks is a man of the people, who knows Barack Obama would never fit in at an Applebee's salad bar, or the McDonald's beer garden, or a Wal-Mart observatory. Not only is Obama too elitist, he's also too radical, as evidenced by this revolutionary gesture [on screen: Fox News coverage of the Obama fist bump calling it a 'terrorist fist jab']. A gang sign? An obscene gesture? A sideways black power salute? A cannibal hand shake? A communist aloha? OF course, that's all hyperbole. The truth of what they were really doing is even more horrible. The move was done to crush someone's tiny, adorable grandmother who just baked a delicious apple and kitten pie." --Jon Stewart

Sunday, June 22, 2008

#885

Late Night From 06/12

"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said, yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, our President George W. Bush is traveling in Europe and he spent the last couple of days in Italy. He went to Venice, and he thought the streets were flooded. And he said don't worry, FEMA is on the way." --David Letterman

"Yeah, President Bush is in Italy. He is looking for tomato sauce of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"Well, another defeat for President Bush today. It seems that the Supreme Court ruled that detainees at Guantanamo Bay can file legal challenges to their detention. President Bush is very bitter about this. He said he may have lost, but it was a deeply divided Court that voted 5-4. It was 5-4. You know, the same vote that made him president -- 5-4." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama surprised a bunch of students in Chicago yesterday when he showed up unannounced at an eighth grade graduation. Gave a speech at the eighth grade graduation, pretty cool. Now, don't confuse that with President Bush's appearance last year at an eighth grade graduation. He was just there getting a diploma." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Europe. Again, you know, we like President Bush. I just don't think he has a real grasp of history. Did you see him in Berlin yesterday? He said, 'Am I crazy, or did there used to be a wall?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, and I guess President Bush is in Italy today. A little disappointed. Yeah, a little disappointed. For lunch, he said, he spent the whole day driving around, trying to find an Olive Garden. You know, the real Italian. All the breadsticks you can eat." --Jay Leno

"The Fox News Channel did a weird thing last night. There was a rumor going around that Michelle Obama used the word 'whitey' in front of a group of black church-goers, and it turned out not to be true. And of course, Obama supporters were upset about it, but when they did the story, look at the caption Fox used at the bottom of the screen here [on screen: Fox calls Michelle Obama Obama's 'baby mama']. Obama's baby mama. Now, I'm pretty sure that Michelle Obama is Barack's wife, not his baby mama. You have to wonder if they'd use that terminology if she was white. But Fox is fair and balanced. We know because they say it all the time [on screen: fake video of Fox 'calling' Cindy McCain 'Mac Daddy's Skeezy-Ass Trick']. A similar thing with John McCain's wife, Cindy" --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, June 23, 2008

#886

Late Night From 06/13

"There was a big power outage in DC this morning, the whole city. The good news is, Homeland Security says it was not terrorism. Whew! Luckily, it was just our lousy energy policy. So that's a relief." --Jay Leno

"And OPEC said, this week, it will call a meeting of its members to discuss what it calls unjustified oil prices. See, not to bring the price down. They just want to come up with a reason to justify it." --Jay Leno

"Now, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia says he wants to have this meeting. Now, you ever notice, when OPEC nations get together, there's always kings and sultans and crowned princes? See, that's where the term 'royally screwed' comes from." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited the Vatican this week and met with the pope. President Bush met with the pope. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush really studies up on these places before he goes to them. Like, as soon as he saw where the pope lived, he said, 'Hey, I like what the little lady has done with the place.'" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

#887

Late Night From 06/16
Part 1

"John McCain, listen to this, he is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. As a matter of fact, today he was campaigning in a pantsuit." --David Letterman

"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is wrapping up his farewell tour of Europe. And you know, he is getting contemplative now. He is thinking that he will write his memoir, he wants to write a book, a presidential memoir. Unfortunately, the problem with the president writing his presidential memoir, I mean, I think before you write a book you have to have read one." --David Letterman

"He tells people the problem is he has writer's block. Writer's block. Of course he does, it's that thing between his ears. That's the writer's block." --David Letterman

"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of McCain, yesterday was Father's Day. John McCain said he made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. That's what he said. Yeah. Unfortunately, McCain's grandchildren couldn't make it 'cause they spent the day with their grandchildren. He's getting old." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican congressmen Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Yeah, he decided a few days ago, yeah. Paul said, there comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago." --Conan O'Brien

Wed., June 25, 2008

#888

Late Night From 06/16
Part 2

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York -- listen to this -- that's his name. Yeah, he has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths. So that's one thing." --Jay Leno

"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up, white people." --Jon Stewart

"The sickness manifests itself mostly through rumor often in the form of the only email your grandmother has been able to forward [on screen: reporters talking about "reprehensible rumors" surrounding Obama that have been spread via blogs and other online sources]. Even when it's cut and pasted? I've got it. Internet. Rumor. Bad. Mainstream media. Responsible. Good [on screen: pundits asking whether Obama is a secret Muslim, whether Michelle Obama called people 'whiteys' and whether Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrassa]. I think all those clips must be from that new cable show, 'S**t We are Unquestionably Reading Off the Internet' with your host, All of Us. ... If you think Baracknophobia is bad in America, you should see how bad it is in the greatest country on Earth, Sean Hannity's America [on screen: Hannity talking about Obama being sexist, Reverend Wright and Louis Farrakhan and asking who the 'real' Obama is]. ... For Hannity, this isn't limited to Barack, but all things Obama-ish [on screen: Hannity going after Michelle, asking why she sounds 'so bitter and angry']. And why won't she dance with me? Is she a lesbian?" --Jon Stewart

Thursday, June 26, 2008

#889

Late Night From 06/17

"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien

"And a New York congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner has introduced a bill to grant immigrant visas to supermodels that want to come here. See, this will clear up the problem of supermodels hanging out in front of Home Depot all day looking for work." --Jay Leno

"Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he's now 14 years old and has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno

Friday, June 27, 2008

#890

Late Night From 06/18

>"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

> "This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien

>"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

> "President Bush says he plans to publish a book once he leaves the White House. We have an advanced copy here. This won't be out till January. It's 'Iraq on $100 Million a Day.' It's a travel book." --Jay Leno

> "John McCain revealed his energy plan today. He wants to build 45 nuclear reactors. I think it's a good idea. We'll need that extra power to get him up and down the stairs." --Craig Ferguson

"Nation, it's no secret that one of John McCain's biggest challenges as a candidate is distinguishing himself from President Bush. I'm not sure why he's so eager to spurn the president's supporters. I mean, that's walking away from almost 29% of the American electorate, and nearly half of the Bush children [on screen: a photo of Jenna Bush, along with an article that suggests she may not vote Republican in the upcoming election]. But he's so different from Bush already. The only issues they agree on are education, immigration, Iraq, abortion, Supreme Court judges, Social Security, tax breaks for the wealthy, wire-tapping, trade, health care, the Middle East, same-sex marriage and Medicare." --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, June 28, 2008

#891

Late Night From 06/19

"Barack Obama's wife Michelle, have you noticed she's making the rounds now? You notice when you turn on the TV, she wasn't as visible before, but now she's everywhere. Yesterday on 'The View,' I don't know if you saw that, Barack Obama's wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. She did that, yeah. And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five. That's what she said. Yeah, after hearing this,John McCain asked, 'What the hell is a high-five?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what's the hurry? Don't want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency." --Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's wife, was on 'The View' yesterday, and she managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done. She got a word in edgewise. Did you notice? I've never seen that happen." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno

Sunday, June 29, 2008

#892

Late Night From 06/20

>June 20, 2008

>"I actually have a nice story about the presidential campaign. You hear a lot of negatives. ... John McCain's daughter is writing a children's book based on her father's life. Isn't that nice? Yeah, the children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

> "Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

> "Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

>"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

>"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

> Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

>"The CIA has a new theory -- they think they know where Osama Bin Laden is. They think that he's hiding in the mountainous regions of Pamela Anderson." --David Letterman

Monday, June 30, 2008

#893

Late Night From 06/23

"John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering, and you know what they're bickering about? What to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. That's right. Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas. And I said to myself, guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first? Let's do that." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama, I always thought of him as just a guy. But apparently now he's started a fashion trend. He's started a fashion trend, and Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said yeah, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters. That's what he wants." --David Letterman

>"But it's also true of John McCain. He's inspired a new line of clothing, and I believe if you want some of the John McCain stuff, it's being sold at the Very Old Navy." --David Letterman

>"And it makes me wonder, are we being a little superficial? Because Michelle Obama appears on 'The View' ... and people go crazy because they see the dress that she's wearing and they say, wow, I've got to have that dress. And if you look at 'The View' historically, they have always set fashion trends. No, it's true. As a matter of fact, you remember when Rosie O'Donnell was on 'The View?' Women all across the country were wearing tool belts" --David Letterman

> "John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery. McCain can get a new type of battery invented because he's the guy that came up with the idea of not cranking the car up at the start." --Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

#894

Late Night From 06/24

"Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she'll consider making him as her running mate." --David Letterman

"Well, you know, Barack Obama, he's started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look, and they're turning it into fashion. It's an amazing thing. But don't sell John McCain short. He's also influencing fashion. He has popularized the 'something on your chin' look." --David Letterman

"Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. And it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain's hand broke off." --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough "green" energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o'clock." --Craig Ferguson

Wed., July 02, 2008

#895

Late Night From 06/25

"I don't know if you know this, but John McCain now he's got a bandage on his head. Did you see that, John McCain? The poor guy, he's got a bandage on his head. Here's what happened. Apparently he tried to answer the iron." --David Letterman

"Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for America, everybody, because the Democrats announced today there won't be any fried food at their convention. In other words, Al Gore won't be there." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there continues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon. I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill. Luckily, John McCain has the solution [on screen: McCain speech in which he says he'll give a $300 million prize to whomever can come up with a solution to the energy crisis]. Fabulous prizes! Who says McCain's campaign has no new ideas? They have the new idea of offering millions of dollars to people who actually have ideas. It's just the latest example of John McCain's brave fight to keep Americans awake while he talks" --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, July 03, 2008

#896

no jokes today

Friday, July 04, 2008

#897

Enjoy the 4th. Support America.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

#898

Late Night From 06/26
Part 1

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterma

"But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium, and of course Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some bird shot." --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, I think some of the justices, the Supreme Court justices, I think they may be gun owners. I had no idea. Clarence Thomas kept bragging about his weapon." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about both candidates. For example, John McCain doesn't work on weekends. He spends his time at his ranch, the Casa Varicosa." --David Letterman

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"Oh, on this day in 1963, JFK was in Germany and he said, 'Ich bin ein Berliner,' do you remember that? Do you remember seeing it? Ich bin ein Berliner, I am a Berliner. And I'm thinking about it, now it would be nice if we had a president who could speak English." --David Letterman

Sunday, July 06, 2008

#899

Late Night From 06/26
Part 2

"This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections." --Stephen Colbert

"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey. When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart

"So when North Korea, the cute one in the Axis of Evil, tried to put one over on us by giving up the details of their nuclear program, you can imagine our still-president stood strong [on screen: Bush announcing his intent to lessen restrictions on North Korea]. Mr. President, you're going to take the word of a madman? North Korea's no longer a part of the Axis of Evil? What the hell? There were three countries -- Iraq was already out of the Axis, North Korea's out, now it's, what, a Dot of Evil? Fixed Coordinate of Perfidy? ... I guess they're just being downgraded to a slightly less-menacing category. Let's see what we've got here [on screen: graphic showing new system of ranking dangerous countries, with categories like 'Contingent of Meanies,' 'League of Jerks' and 'Gaggle of Douchebags']. I'm going to go with 'Douchebag Gaggle.'" --Jon Stewart

Monday, July 07, 2008

#900

Late Night From 06/27

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Conspicuously absent from the tour, Bill Clinton, who is said to be back home in New York ... drafting the world speech while wearing Rose McGowan's underwear on his head. I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

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