Jokes of the day

701 - 800

Thursday, November 8, 2007

#701

Late Night From 11/1

Part 1

"Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I'm starting to think GOP stands for 'Grab Our Penises.' It's another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women's clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women's clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he's also a little tramp too. After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, 'Shut up.'" --Jay Leno

"All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that's why so many women are Democrats, 'cause Democrats will at least have sex with them." --Jay Leno

"The Atlanta International Airport is considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms. To help cope with the huge drought in Georgia, they want shorter flushes on the toilets. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, speed dating" --Jay Leno

Friday, November 9, 2007

#702

Late Night From 11/1

Part 2

"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving." --Jay Leno

"Like any civilized country and organization, from time to time, we in America have to have a national conversation with ourselves. Ask tough questions about who we are; what we believe in; is our children learning; would we, in fact, would like fries with that; do we torture, which like any weighty question of ethics, is actually a question of semantics ...
[on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying the way torture has been defined in the liberal media shouldn't be done]. What is the liberal definition? I have the Liberal Dictionary right here. Let's see how they define waterboarding: 'something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay married.' I can see why he'd have a problem with that" --Jon Stewart

"But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson's running as a Republican. --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, November 10, 2007

#703

Late Night From 11/2-3

Part 1

"Hey, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It's kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in

Part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it's a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women's clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he's not gay. Fortunately, the other guy was. Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig's wife is standing by him." --Jay Leno

Sunday, November 11, 2007

#704

Late Night From 11/2-3

Part 2

"Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State DePart ment after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush said, 'The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.' Then Dick Cheney said, 'But not the oil, right?'" --Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State DePart ment. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State DePart ment are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State DePart ment. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'" --Bill Maher

Monday, November 12, 2007

#705

Late Night From 11/2-3

Part 3

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday." --Bill Maher

"A sixth grade woman teacher from Nebraska ... is on the run with her 13-year-old boyfriend. I know that sounds bad, but consider this, he is a child and she didn't leave him behind." --Bill Maher

"Did you hear about this? There was a guy arrested in a hotel. He's in a hotel and he's trying to have sex with a bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig. I am begging you!" --David Letterman

"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'" --Seth Meyers

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'" --Amy Poehler

Thursday, November 15, 2007

#708

Great Bumper Stickers

1. Cheney/Satan '08

2. 1/20/09: End of an Error

3. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4. Lets Fix Democracy in This Country First

5. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6. Bush, Like a Rock, Only Dumber

7. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

8. Of Course It Hurts, You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

9. Hey, Bush Supporters, Embarrassed Yet?

10. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

11. America: One Nation Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail To The Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Bullshit

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need A President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

21. You Elected Him, You Deserve Him.

22. Impeach Cheney First

23. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

24. Pray For Impeachment

25. The Republican Part y: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

26. What

Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

27. One Nation Under Clod

28. 2004: Embarrassed; 2005: Horrified; 2006: Terrified

29. Bush Never Exhaled

30. At Least Nixon Resigned

Friday, November 16, 2007

#709

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit an Episcopal Church outside Washington as

Part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President. George Bush is a liar, a cheat and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression. He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political Part y since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford; and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks. He is the worst example of a 'true Christian' I've ever known.

But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

Saturday, November 17, 2007

#710

1. That's OK; I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

2. Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

3. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

4. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

5. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

6. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

7. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

8. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

9. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

10. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

11. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

12. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

13. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

14. Bad President! No Banana.

15. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

16. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

17. Is It Vietnam Yet?

18. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

19. The Republican Part y: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

20. What

Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

21. One Nation Under Clod

22. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

23. Bush Never Exhaled

24. At Least Nixon Resigned

Sunday, November 18, 2007

#711

*_Attention ~Attention_*

There is going to be a meeting of the "George W. Bush Fan Club" this evening.  Of course, only paid members welcome...  You will be transported in the "official" GWB Fan Club vehicle, spacious enough for all members, the luxurious White House MiniCooper...

Upon pickup, plan to be immediately whisked away to the"official" meeting site, (yep, it's that same telephone booth in New Jersey, as last time) and treated to an absolutely delightful evening full of denial, lies, falsehoods, misrepresentations, prevarications, tales, untruths..Oh, the fun just keeps on coming!

Entertainment provided by BYOB ~ "Bring your own Brain" ~

Refreshments? Well, they are optional. We may throw you a bone or two, if you beg */really/* hard.

Water is always available.  ( Dude, remember that fire hydrant we noticed next to the telephone booth the last time..?)

See ya there...

PS ~ Be sure and bring your checkbook or AMX Black Card.  A fund raiser may break out. $$$$ :-)

Sunday, January 6,

Part 718

Late Night From 1/2

Tomorrow, of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, 'the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa.'" --Jay Leno

"Iowa is also known as the tall corn state. That's why Dennis Kucinich had trouble being seen there." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, one of our guests tonight, has reached what they call 'the top tier' of GOP candidates. That means during the debates he no longer has to wear a nametag."--Jay Leno

Monday, January 7, 2008

#719

Fatherly Advice

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq

The soldiers were huddled, and under attack.

Back in the capital, the White House was quiet;

Kind of makes you wonder, why there wasn't a riot.

Who had time to worry about those poor beleaguered troops;

When Homeland Security had us jumping through hoops?

There was no time to wonder if Iraq was a scam;

Because now Iran was the next sacrificial lamb.

Vietnam, Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, the history was vast;

Couldn't the people learn from the lessons gone past?

How could a nation have a foreign policy so creepy?

`Tis what happens when you elect a man, with a very small peepee.

The new trial of OJ promised more drama;

The showdown of vapidity from Hillary and Obama.

Breathless sensationalism from O'Reilly and the rest;

Another election where the clueless are put to the test.

But the story was the same, all round the nation;

The natives were spellbound, flipping the station.

The remote was gripped, in their chubby hands with care,

In hopes that reality shows soon would be on air.

They laid back in the recliner, zoned into the box;

For "Family Guy," "Desperate Housewives," and more shit from FOX.

They had no time for reflection, or critical thought;

Of the despair and destruction their warmonger had wrought.

When out on the lawn, arose such a racket;

I jumped from my bed, and grabbed for my jacket.

I ran down the staircase, to the ground floor;

Just in time to see Santa, breaking in my door.

"Hey Pal," I called out, "Didn't you read the book?

You're supposed to come down the chimney, in ashes and soot."

"Well", he exclaimed, "I must take a pass;

"Cause I get can't get down there with my big, fat ass...

"Cinnabon, Krispy Kreme, and what about stuffed crust?

I've been trying to diet, but it's been a great bust.

I read Aktins, Protein Power, and also The Zone;

McDougal, and Pritiken, and yet I have still grown.

"That's why I've got this pipe clamped in my teeth;

With the smoke curling round like a new Christmas wreath.

That last time I quit smoking; I gained so much weight;

My arteries were blocked, and my cholesterol tempted fate.

"You think this job is easy, working only once a year?

What do you think will happen, if they find out I'm queer?

Romney and Huckabee will pull the knife from the sheath;

And doom me to Hell, with great gnashing of teeth."

"But wait a minute, " I sputtered, "You can't be Gay;

You have to be straight‚—it's the American way."

"Oh come on," he replied, "who else but fruits...

Wear red velvet, fur collars, and black leather boots?

"You must be clueless, or been living on Saturn…

Look at my reindeer, did you not notice a pattern?

If you think Dasher and Prancer, are names for a boy;

You should be drinking eggnog with Sigfried and Roy!"

Shocked and dismayed, my head it was aching;

Feeling quite weak, my legs they were quaking.

"Aren't you done here? Can't you move on next door?

I've got my fill, I can't stand any more"

"Well no," he replied, "I hate to sound cosmic;

But next door gets nothing, because they're Islamic.

I've made out my list, and I've checked it twice,

You aint a Christian—you're lower than lice.

"Peace on earth, happy tidings, and goodwill to you,

Unless you're a God damned Hindu, Buddhist, or Jew.

We spread the gospel, and we tell it well;

Side with us now, or you'll end up in Hell."

"No wait," I cried out, "that just isn't right..."

But he kept right on walking, away from my sight.

He whistled for reindeer, and they pulled up out front;

He climbed into the sleigh, with a guttural grunt.

He reached on the dash, where some CDs were strewn

Inserted a disc, with a Broadway show tune.

Santa looked back at me, and said with a yell;

"Convert `fore it's too late, or you`ll burn up in Hell."

I bolted upright, and woke up in a sweat;

Was it just a nightmare that hadn't happened yet?

The ghost of Christmas future, or just my imagination

The destiny of mankind, or wicked hallucination?

Whatever happened to ole Silent Night?

And loving one another, doing what's right?

The season of harmony and peace thereof,

Can't we just live it with acceptance and love?

Legal Notice:

The holiday greeting and wishes for a Happy New Year contained in this email/blog are extended from ("Wishor"), to you ("Recipient"), subject to the following terms and conditions:

This greeting is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral, celebration of the secular summer solstice holiday only. Any similarities to religious and/or national holidays is purely coincidental.

This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious beliefs of your choice, or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating system preference. However, such acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consents by the Wishor.

My wishes for your emotional state, financial success, and freedom from disease apply to the generally accepted calendar year 2008. Any other calendars of choice from other cultures or sects are subject to availability.

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal, is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and is non transferable. The Wishor implies no promise to actually implement any of the wishes. The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may differ. These statements have not been approved by the FDA. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

"Christmas" "God" and "Jesus" are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation; all rights reserved.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

# 720

The GW Bush Library;

Here is what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

#721

Late Night From 01/03

Part 1

"As you know, tonight was the big night in Iowa. ... It's easy to remember because this is the only big night in Iowa. ... You know what the candidates average? They spend an average of $200 per vote in Iowa. $200 per vote! How many would rather have the cash?" --Jay Leno

"No, I always love when they campaign because you always see the candidates holding up ears of corn. See, that's what they grow in Iowa. So you always see them holding up ears of corn. See, how come they don't do that when they come to L.A.? You don't see the candidates on Hollywood Boulevard, arm around a hooker, big vial of crack." --Jay Leno

"Here's something odd about Iowa I didn't know. ... You'd think they'd be conservative. They decided to not to ban sex in public places. It is actually legal to have sex in public places in Iowa. See, they will do anything to keep that Democratic caucus there." --Jay Leno

Thursday, January 10, 2008

#722

Late Night From 01/03

Part 2

"We don't know the results. So I'm just going by the polls in the paper this morning. But Fred Thompson, what happened to him? Oh, my God. He's doing so badly, it's like he's back here on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Now, if you watched the other late-night talk shows last night, you know David Letterman and Conan O'Brien came back with beards. They had full beards on. ... See, here's my pledge. I will not shave my back until the writers get here." --Jay Leno

"The Writers Guild strike does continue. Fortunately, we've been able to negotiate an agreement but the strike continues. ... Here's what the writers want and you tell me if you don't think this is fair. Here's all they want: The Writers Guild wants a share of Internet revenues and four more years of President Bush." --David Letterman

Sunday, January 13, 2008

#725

Late Night From 01/04

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. ... Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, earlier this week, the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel. You see, I don't think President Bushreally understands this issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all. He said, 'Most Americans buy their oil in little cans.'" --Jay Leno

From David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Presidential Campaign Is Not Going Well: #1. You often ask, "What would George W. Bush do?"

Monday, January 14, 2008

#726

Late Night From 01/07

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee, to Barack Obama. Iowa has spoken. Cold, white people have had their say. Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder, whiter people will have their say. And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee will soon be the president of Scandinavia." --Jon Stewart

"The dispute is actually between the Writer's Guild of America and the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers, or NAMBLA. That joke is grandfathered in. The dispute is over pay for the Internet. The writers want to be paid for Internet content. What is the Internet? [on screen: audio of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) saying, 'It's a series of tubes']. That's right. It's a series of tubes. That was Senator Ted Stevens, the ex-head of the Commerce Committee in the Senate responsible for regulating the Internet. That $1.99 goes to fuel for tiny trucks and also for Blackwater mercenaries that guard against the World of Warcraft wizards." --Jon Stewart

"Candidates always like to say it, they're gonna get tough on career criminals, Republicans especially. Republicans love that word, 'career criminals.' I mean, what other kind of criminal is there, really? Is this a hobby for a lot of people? Have you ever been robbed and have the guy say, 'Actually, I'm an architect. I just do this on the side 'cause I really enjoy it. And when it's no longer fun, I'm gonna stop. Give me your money.'" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

#727

Late Night From 01/08

They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. Is it caucuses? It's cauci, right? The results are in. As expected, a big comeback for John McCain who won on the Republican side. When I last checked, Hillary Clinton had a slight lead over Barack Obama. That one was very close. It was so close, they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno

"How are we going to settle this? Who's the agent of change? Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? You know how to settle these things in TV Land? Pundit-off [on screen: MSNBC's Matthews saying, 'Is Hillary the change candidate or is Obama the change candidate? I can't tell']. Really, you can't tell. I wonder who is the change candidate. I mean, it can't be both of them. What would be a black man and a woman, how can that be different than the 43 other presidents we've had? [on screen: portraits of all white, male US POTUSes popping up]." --Jon Stewart

"The Republicans, however, we all know are very satisfied with the way things are. They're backing George Bush. They're very excited about things. Before the Iowa campaign, the GOP was on board with status quo [on screen: Mitt Romney saying, 'We should come together and recognize the great work our president is doing and not take our rhetoric or our plays from the Democratic playbook']. Exactly. That was a week ago before Iowa. None of these guys jumping on the reformed boat to Change-istan. Sorry, I'm being told something's changed [on screen: Romney saying, 'Not only can I talk change with you, I've lived it']. For instance, did you see that clip of me from last week saying the exact opposite of what I'm saying now? How many people can change like that over night? For God's sake, I am a shape shifter." --Jon Stewart

"My favorite

Part about Mitt Romney is, it doesn't matter how bad you catch him in duplicity, he will not ever let down. This is a great clip of him from the George Stephanopoulos show [on screen: Romney saying he hadn't seen his attack ad against John McCain]. Did you hear him say that? Did you hear him say that? He said, 'I didn't see that one.' Are you shitting me? You're the CEO candidate. I guess you have to delegate. How do we know he's actually telling the truth? Maybe he didn't see that ad [on screen: Romney saying, 'I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message' at the end of the ad]" --Jon Stewar

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

#728

Late Night From 01/09

Part 1

"This year, the immigration and naturalization service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. How much do you think it costs to become a U.S. citizen? It's about $700. It now costs $700 to become a U.S. citizen. In fact, you know how much immigration and naturalization expects to make this year on people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400" --Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire, too. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent 5 1/2 years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting, I heard one of these political pundit guys say on cable today, that a lot of people think John Edwards may be too good looking to be taken seriously. And boy, do I know how that feels. Remember the first ten years? That's why I put on some weight. So, I wouldn't be carrying that burden." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his 'State of the State' address. He talked about his solution to health care. He said, 'Walk it off. Do a few laps. There's nothing wrong with you. Exercise the tumor away.'" --Jay Leno

Thursday, January 17, 2008

#729

Late Night From 01/09

Part 2

"President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

"When you take George Bush out of his own environment, when you take him out of his own culture, like in Israel for example, he makes mistakes. Earlier today, he was speaking it a group of people in Jerusalem and he finished up by saying, 'I am Jewish guy.' There's no getting around it, George Bush is confused. He thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perelman." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary for the Democrats right there. Just beating all the expectations, folks. Everybody thought she was down for the count. She wasn't going to make it. The question on everyone's mind was, you know, how did Clinton pull this one out of the pooper. And I believe Jim Lehrer asked that of Gwen Ifill on the PBS 'NewsHour.' 'Gwen, how did she pull this one out of the pooper?' And people are saying it's because about 36 hours ago she turned on the water works and showed some emotion. People are saying it had a certain affect on the voters [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying, 'She pretended to cry. The women felt sorry for her and she won']. The women felt sorry for her and she won. That's Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard. Evidently, I should have said that to find her crying and humanizing, you yourself have to be a human" --Stephen Colbert

From David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Watching Bad Election Coverage: #3: Correspondent spends most of the evening hitting on Kucinich's hot wife

Friday, January 18, 2008

#730

Late Night From 01/10

"New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he's in it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert. He was a little awkward. 'Cause his English isn't very good and, of course, President Bush's is worse." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough for the Republican Part y, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better." --Jay Leno

"With all this talk of hope and change and idealism and getting the country back on track, it was a friend of mine, an old friend who -- he wanted to say something to you. Is he ready to say it? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, 'Iran is a threat to world peace']. Boo! That's former president what is that? Oh, he's still. Bush's warning to Iran was sort of a nice reminder for all of us here in the country that he's still the president. And to drive the point home, he's actually going overseas. The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of, did I do that?" --Jon Stewart

Saturday, January 19, 2008

#731

Late Night From 01/11

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher

"Everyone is on this youth bandwagon. Fred Thompson, he wants everyone to know he's down with the kids. In fact, today, he said he's the one who knocked up little Juno" --Bill Maher

"According to Men's Health magazine -- I thought this was interesting -- men who are angry are three times more likely than women to want to use sex to solve a disagreement. Let's just hope John McCain and Mitt Romney don't hear about this." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, 11% of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? Isn't that amazing? President Bush commented on this today. He said, 'Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here'"" --Jay Leno

"President George W. Bush is in the Middle East. He's over there right now because his approval rating is higher. Bush would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He's so confident about doing this that he's already unfolding the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

Sunday, January 20, 2008

#732

Late Night From 01/14

"President Bush is currently visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today, President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they're on both sides." --Jay Leno

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno

"There's a guy in Montana. And the cops chase the guy in a stolen pickup truck. The chase lasted 18 hours and he's driving the pickup truck. He's naked. A naked guy driving a stolen pickup truck, the chase 18 hours. And I'm thinking, 'Oh my god, please get some help, Senator Craig'" --David Letterman

"On Thursday in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries. Going in Mike Huckabee and John McCain each had one major victory under their belt. Let's see how Huckabee and McCain, who are now the two frontrunners for the Republican nomination, do in a good, old-fashioned Republican debate Reagan-off. Governor Huckabee [on screen: Huckabee saying, 'Well, I stay faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to']. So Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan. I don't know what good that is going to do to the rest of the electorate. Let's move along to Senator McCain [on screen: McCain saying, 'I'm proud to have been a member of the Reagan revolution, a foot soldier']. I was a gunner. There we were -- McGovern to my left, Dukakis to my right. There I be. You know, let's open up the Reagan-off to the floor [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'Ronald Reagan appointed me associate attorney general of the United States']. Ronald Reagan knew your name. The first round of the Reagan-off goes to Giuliani. Let's see. The first round is worth, I don't know, 911 points." --Jon Stewart

"After the Reagan-off, the candidates had to show the people of South Carolina that they understand their problems. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I know how to secure the borders']. You know how to secure the borders. Apparently, South Carolina is having a terrible time with two wiley boot leggers from Georgia [on screen: footage from 'Dukes of Hazzard']. McCain continued [on screen: McCain saying, 'I come from a border state where our borders are broken. More people come across our border illegally every year than most any other state']. So it sounds like you don't know how to secure the borders." --Jon Stewart

"I believe that Huckabee and McCain have opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. Let me hear what he has to say [on screen: Giuliani saying, 'I threw Arafat out of the UN 50 celebration and I made sure Castro wouldn't come to that celebration']. Basically, Giuliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is stopping two old men from going to a Part y." --Jon Stewart

Monday, January 21, 2008

#733

Late Night From 01/15

"I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my Part .'" --Jay Leno

"The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don't even show an ID to get into the country" --Jay Leno

"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David Letterman

"So, we were talking about earlier in the week, President George W. Bush touring the Middle East. You know, he's been president for seven years and he decided, 'Hey, you know where I should go? Israel.' Never been there before in his entire presidency. He went to six other Arab countries. Also went to Saudi Arabia. I assume he didn't go there before because he wanted oil to reach $100 before he went. So why is he doing all this now? [on screen: 'Bush's Bucket List' movie trailer saying, 'If you had only one year to live in the White House, would you do the most obvious thing? Create a list of things to experience with your black friend? This January, the Bush administration in association with Rob Reiner presents the Middle East trip of a lifetime. They went looking to fortify strategic alliances; they wound up finding themselves']. --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

#734

Late Night From 01/16

Part 1

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor." --Jay Leno

"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno

"These pundits can be very unfair, like they always ask >Barack Obama if he's black enough. Nobody asks Mitt Romney if he's white enough. I guess he is white enough." --Jay Leno

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno

"By gosh, Mitt Romney won the primary in Michigan. How about that? Which, as you know, now makes him a shoe-in to become president of Michigan. We're all very proud of Mitt. He's the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let's throw it over to Mitt and see what's going on in the weather." --David Letterman

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

#735

Late Night From 01/16

Part 2

"Last night was the Michigan primary, and a surprise to no one, certainly not this pundit, Mitt Romney took the whole thing. It came just in time because everyone agreed the clock was running out for the Romney campaign. Romney actually had a response in the New York Times today. Last night in his acceptance speech, he said, 'Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback.' And so true. It is the comeback for the pundits who made predictions in the New Hampshire primary and had their asses handed to them. Some of us actually got Michigan right for a change. I, for instance, I called Michigan for Romney. Now how did I know that he was going to win Michigan? Was it the fact that he was from there, that he pent more money than anybody else, that his father was a three-term governor? No. Much simpler than that. Jim, put up a map of Michigan, please. I noticed that Michigan is kind of shaped like a mitten. And then I remembered that Romney's name is Mitt. And the first rule of primary politics is voters always vote for the candidate whose name is the shape of their state. Tip O'Neill said it 'All politics is local shapes.'" --Stephen Colbert

"I wanted to start tonight talking, of course, about the big news in the world of politics [on screen: scattered cheers]. Three of you like that idea. The rest were rooting for pornography. We'll get to that. Sometimes the two are intertwined. Now, as some of you may know, in the last few weeks, I have demonstrated here on the show, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am responsible for the meteoric rise of Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee had a huge victory in the Iowa caucus, because he campaigned with this man right here [on screen: Chuck Norris]. Chuck Norris. Or, as we know him here at 'Late Night,' Walker, Texas Ranger. Now, how did Walker, Texas Ranger become such a powerful political king maker? Because for years on my show, I did a segment where I would pull a lever and show brilliant clips from that show. Well, the 'Walker, Texas Ranger Lever' resurrected the career of Chuck Norris. That guy was going nowhere fast. He was hitting the bottle, he was sleeping in a gutter. I made Norris, Norris made Huckabee, ergo I made Huckabee! Well, last night in the Michigan primary. Huckabee came in third. Third! 'What happened,' you're wondering, right? Again, I believe I was responsible. You see, Huckabee was so excited about his newfound friend Walker, Texas Ranger that he took the whole thing too far. Huckabee started meddling with forces he does not understand. Check this out. Huckabee ran an ad all day yesterday in Michigan, just blanketed the airwaves in Michigan. He thought it was going to help put him over the top and I think this ad really hurt him. Check it out [on screen: A Huckabee ad on immigration showing Norris punch a guy who's stuck in a bear trap]. Who punches a guy who's stuck in a bear trap? Big mistake for Huckabee"--Conan O'Brien

Thursday, January 24, 2008

#736

Late Night From 01/17

"Republican candidate Mike Huckabee said, when he was in college, he used to use a popcorn popper to fry up squirrels. They'd fry up squirrels and eat them. And people thought this would hurt him in the polls. It turns out, in South Carolina, went up 30 points."

"The state of Idaho now proposing a bill to let liquor stores stay open on election day, which I think is a good idea. With these candidates, would you want to vote sober? No, I don't think anybody would."

"The American Civil Liberties Union is defending America's favorite restroom enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig. 'Mr. Urinal,' they call him. Remember, he's the senator who got caught soliciting sex in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport. Well, now the ACLU said that sex in a public restroom is considered private if the door is closed. That's something to think about the next time you're putting that tissue liner around the toilet bowl" --Jay Leno

"We were talking a little bit about the president's trip to the Middle East. The president's going to give himself a chance to do all the things that he always wanted to do. So please welcome another installment of [on screen: 'Bush's Bucket List']. The president's Middle East trip is at an end, but the memories he'll have, the things he got to cross off the list. He reconnected with old friends. He danced. He watched people dance. He held a bird. He sold over $20 billion in arms to an unstable region. And on the last night of his trip, there was still one thing left undone. One thing he desperately wanted to do -- to conduct an incredibly awkward interview with ABC's Terry Moran. Well, guess what? Sometimes wishes come true [on screen: Bush saying, 'What am I supposed to do? Go in the fetal position because of your poll?']. Obviously, the president there not afraid of Terry Moran's poll. But what would the president do there in Saudi Arabia when the conversation turned to oil? [on screen: Asked what he can say to the king to get the high oil prices down, Bush, 'Well, I will say to him that if it's possible, your majesty, consider what high prices is doing to one of your largest customers']. How did the 'wanted dead or alive' requests guy turn into Woody Allen all of a sudden? Watch how Bush handles Moran's follow-up [on screen: Asked if he thinks Americans might want him to be a little tougher than that, Bush, 'What's that mean?'] What's that mean? What you did right there! You just scared the crap out of Terry Moran!" --Jon Stewart

"Even if we all pretended that maybe, just maybe in some crazy, cuckoo fantasyland that Colbert made Huckabee, even if that were true, you have to remember this -- by simply mentioning Stephen Colbert's name on mighty broadcast television, I, Conan O'Brien, am breathing life into his career. So, if Colbert made Huckabee, and Conan made Colbert, then Conan made Huckabee! I'd like to let this all go right now. I would. I'm an adult, he's an adult. I want to let bygones be bygones. But no. You see, Colbert said some other things on his show about me. Ugly, personal things that I cannot ignore [on screen: Colbert saying, 'So back off of Mike Huckabee or I will kick your translucent white ass. You got that, Irish?']. First of all, let's get things straight, okay? My ass is not translucent, all right? It's chalky white with streaks of pink. So there. Second of all, Irish? He's calling me Irish. You're attacking the Irish now? You've sunk that low? Let me tell you something, folks, you'll never see me attacking someone's heritage, okay? You won't see me going after you because your name sounds French, Colbert [on screen: O'Brien jumps on a bike with French bread in the basket in front of a backdrop of Paris, while speaking in a French accent]. Oh, oh. Look at me riding my bicycle. And my bread. Oh, I eat the cheese. I make political pundits. I make the jokes about the candidates. No. You will never see me sink to that level. I simply won't do it" --Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 25, 2008

#737

Late Night From 01/21

"Here's one of those philosophical questions. If Fred Thompson stopped campaigning, how could you tell?" --Jay Leno

"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to John McCain. He won the South Carolina Republican primary. You know, McCain is described as a GOP maverick. He's a Republican maverick. Do you know what that means? Say that to Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that just means he's a straight guy. See, there aren't a lot of those left." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was the big winner in Nevada over the weekend, just one day after appearing on the 'Tonight Show.' Coincidence? And to give you an idea how hard he worked for that win, at one point, he actually loosened his tie. That's a big thing for white guys. They loosen the tie, that means they're working." --Jay Leno

"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno

"Pundits say that Mitt Romney may actually be too good looking to be president. Well, that's what keeps me from running. Mitt Romney looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership. Mitt Romney looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." --David Letterman

"For McCain in South Carolina -- vindication. In 2000, everybody remembers he won New Hampshire against George W. Bush. And then when he went down to South Carolina, it was all kinds of negative campaigning that said that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, and George W. Bush ended up winning that race down there because of that story. Because if McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, South Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond, and they didn't think that was right. McCain did win the race, Huckabee came in a close second, and former Senator Fred Thompson came in third. Now Thompson is from Tennessee. It was very disappointing. He was putting all his eggs in South Carolina. One imagines that once he found out he had lost, he would give a dignified concession speech and bow out of the race with class [on screen: Thompson laughing and saying, 'Well, it may be a little early to declare victory, I'm not sure']. It's funny 'cause you are finished" --Jon Stewart

Saturday, January 26, 2008

#738

Late Night From 01/22

"Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody's crazy about this. Don't worry. George W. Bush says he's got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn't work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face." --David Letterman

"I don't know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don't worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes." --David Letterman

"What about that Mitt Romney? Mitt Romney. He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping. He looks like a weekend weather man, doesn't he? He looks like the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn" --David Letterman

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country For Old Men,' which I think was also John McCain's campaign slogan." --Jay Leno

"Another big Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' the story of a ruthless oil tycoon. Or, as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the greatest movie of all time.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, South Carolina was a big win for Senator McCain, not so much for Huckabee. Yeah, Mike Huckabee, it was his biggest set-back, well, since that squirrel blew a fuse in the popcorn popper." --Jay Leno

Sunday, January 27, 2008

#739

Late Night From 01/22

Part 2

"Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet? It's kind of sad. The only thing standing between Fred and the White House -- the American people." --Jay Leno

"Super Tuesday is coming up -- 23 states, 70 million votes. That is almost as much as 'American Idol,' do you realize that?" --Jay Leno

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard this report that Iran and Syria have been printing counterfeit $100 bills in order to ruin the U.S. economy? Hey, you're about four years too late, okay? You know, if the Iranians really want to ruin our economy, make TVs and cars. That's what the Japanese did" --Jay Leno

Monday, January 28, 2008

#740

Late Night From 01/22

Part 3

"The Republicans have moved on from South Carolina to Florida where Mitt Romney yesterday was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade, and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'" --Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Florida, and they had the big King Day parade there. You have to hand it to him. Even though he didn't fit in at all, he made himself right at home there. Take a look [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. Did you hear that question he asked? In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

#741

Late Night From 01/23

Part 1

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.' He looks like the photo that comes with the frame. By the way, if Mitt Romney is elected, he'll be the first president ever sworn in on a copy of GQ." --David Letterman

"In South Carolina, former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. He also came in a distant third. Came in third! Which would be great if he was still on NBC. He'd be a hero. Hey, we'll take third place." --Jay Leno

"I was sad to see Fred Thompson drop out. I just hope this doesn't give his face that gloomy hang dog look." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani having a rough time in Florida. Man, I tell you, his early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows." --Jay Leno

"As if this field isn't crowded enough, Ralph Nader says he will decide in a month whether he'll run for president again. Ralph Nader. Hey, he's ready to go. Luckily, his suit is still unpressed from the last time" --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's son is now doing TV shows. He was on the 'Today' show the other day. Osama bin Laden's son. I'm almost too embarrassed to be on my own show. But this guy goes out and he's now saying his dad is very sorry for attacking the United States. Osama bin Laden's son is saying that about Osama bin Laden. He says, 'Dad is very sorry about that whole attack.' Well, that's good enough for me. But apparently -- and it's not hard to believe -- that this guy Omar bin Laden had a troubled childhood, a difficult past. When he was 17 -- and this is true, I looked it up -- when he was 17, he wrecked his dad's camel" --David Letterman

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

#742

Late Night From 01/23

Part 2

"We begin tonight with breaking news from the presidential campaigns [NBC's Brian Williams reporting, 'The field of Republicans running for president got smaller by one today. Fred Thompson is out']. I promised myself I wouldn't do this [on screen: Stewart starting to cry]. It's a terrible shame, but at least now he can go back to the job he loves as a cereal spokesperson [on screen: Frankenberry]. How the hell did this happen? You remember back in August, Fred Thompson is flying high, second in the polls in August. Expectations were high [on screen: Bill Kristol saying, 'Fred Thompson knows what he is doing and he will be formidable']. Oh, Bill Kristol, are you ever right? It was at this point riding high that the Fred Thompson campaign made a fatal and tragic mistake [on screen: Thompson announcing he's running for POTUS on the 'Tonight Show']. He entered the race and sank like a mother-f------ stone. Because what happened was the idea of Fred Thompson suddenly became actual Fred Thompson. See, on screen [on screen: Thompson, in character, yelling, 'Who in the hell could have made a mistake like that?'] he pops. He has got the charisma. But in real life [on screen: Thompson, at a debate, saying, 'I see no reason to see we're headed for -- ah -- for an economic downturn']. In person, he lacks a certain ... everything" --Jon Stewart

Thursday, January 31, 2008

#743

Late Night From 01/24

Part 1

"Earlier tonight right here on CBS, the hit show 'Without A Trace.' Anybody ever seen 'Without A Trace'? Wonderful show. And every week they go looking for something that has disappeared. And earlier tonight, investigators tried to locate the Giuliani campaign." --David Letterman

"I think you can tell that Rudy Giuliani is a little desperate because now he is saying that while he was mayor, New York City was never attacked by a giant lizard. And I looked it up. It's true." --David Letterman

"Tucker Carlson said on MSNBC the other day that John McCain and his wife Cindy went along with Fred Thompson on his honeymoon. Now, look, I knew Fred Thompson didn't like to work hard, but bringing another guy on the honeymoon? Come on. That is just plain lazy." --Jay Leno

Friday, February 1, 2008

#744

Late Night From 01/24

Part 2

"Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are both asking their staffs to work without pay. They want them to work without pay to help them get across their message, 'I'm the best one to fix the economy.'" --Jay Leno

"A new government study says that millions and millions of dollars of federal money is being wasted every year on frivolous and unnecessary projects. This study was two years in the making, and cost $22 million" --Jay Leno

"In a wide ranging interview, Mayor Giuliani explained why he believes Florida was the truly bellweather state [on screen: Giuliani saying, 'This is the state that determined our president in the year 2000. So it's a state that is very politically aware']. True. There are few voters as politically aware as these 6,000 ancient Jews who voted for Pat Buchanan" --Stephen Colbert

"The government is finally doing something. They're trying to give the economy a boost. The Democrats and Republicans today agreed on a tax rebate. Here's how it works. All working Americans who make $75,000 or less will get a check for between $600 and $1200 -- more if you have children -- and even more than that if you have fat children" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, February 2, 2008

#745

Late Night From 01/25

Part 1

"Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. Critics said he ran somewhat of a lackluster campaign. That may be a little bit true. His campaign slogan was 'Tanned, Rested And In Remission.'" --Bill Maher

"This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says 'Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.'" --Bill Maher

"On the Democratic side, that's where the real soap opera is. Not that the Clintons always bring the drama. The pundits are now saying that Bill Clinton is down there in South Carolina playing the bad cop uh, while the two strippers are dressed up as nurses. No, no. He's playing the bad cop because apparently the pundits say he has injected race into the campaign to let people know that Obama is the black candidate. You mean before that people hadn't noticed? Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics." --Bill Maher

"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno

Sunday, February 3, 2008

#746

Late Night From 01/25

Part 2

"Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral." --Jay Leno

"In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don't think he understands these things. Bush said, 'Iranians don't wear ties. They wear robes.'" --Jay Leno

Monday, February 4, 2008

#747

Late Night From 01/25

Part 3

"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat'" --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential hopefuls had another debate last night, this time in Florida. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, he needs to win Florida because he hasn't done well anywhere else. I think I might know why he's not doing well. I believe that Giuliani's lack of success so far may have something to do with his facial expressions [on screen: a montage of strange Giuliani facial expressions]. He may not win the presidency, but he'll make an excellent professor at Clown College" --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

#748

Late Night From 01/28

Part 1

"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman

"You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly." --David Letterman

"President Bush is standing there giving his State of the Union, and behind him you can see Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi sitting right behind the president. And man, what a strange, you know, it looks like a married couple waiting for their divorce to be final." --David Letterman

"During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air." --David Letterman

"It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks." --David Letterman

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

#749

Late Night From 01/28

Part 2

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from much Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney" --David Letterman

"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'" --Jay Leno

"It looks like even President Bush is now being affected by the writers' strike. Well sure, no new 'SpongeBob' episodes." --jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani thinks Florida is the key to victory. I'll tell that to the Miami Dolphins." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Giuliani's Florida strategy, it's pretty smart because if he doesn't win there, he can always retire. He's already there!" --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don't want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses" --Jay Leno

Thursday, February 7, 2008

#750

Late Night From 01/29

Part 1

"Last night was President Bush's last State of the Union address. He said what he'll miss most about the State of the Union address are the fake standing ovations. He and I have that in common." --David Letterman

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations." --David Letterman

"During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the economy. So, apparently, he's drinking again." --David Letterman

"It's frightening to be alive, walking around this planet in 2008. Listen to this. A 20,000-pound satellite has burned out. It's going to crash into us. It's already starting to plummet and soon it will explode. There's going to be a fire. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about the Giuliani campaign" --David Letterman

"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also promoted his stimulus package, where each American will get $600. This is

Part of the 'You Got Screwed, But Here's Cab Fare Plan.'" --Jay Leno

"You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California." --Jay Leno

Friday, February 8, 2008

#751

Late Night From 01/29

Part 2

"Faith is playing a big

Part in this year's election. You have Huckabee, the evangelical guy. See, these fellas get a lot of people concerned about the separation of church and state. Do you know how that came about? Anybody know? See, the separation of church and state was made very clear by our founding fathers. See, what they did is they looked at the Ten Commandments. 'Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not commit adultery.' Then they looked at Congress and realized these two could never come together, we have to separate them" --Jay Leno

"(Bush) gave his last State of the Union address last night. There aren't too many people who will tell you that President Bush was a great president. And if there are, they probably work for Fox News. Fox News on Sunday night, they had a one-hour tribute special called 'George W. Bush, Fighting To The Finish.' They said a lot of silly things, but this might have been the silliest [on screen: FNC's Bret Baier saying, 'From the beginning, George W. Bush has been frequently ridiculed for his speaking style. Now, seven years later, he's credited with some of the most eloquent speeches delivered by a president']. He is? Come on" --Jimmy Kimme

"Last night in Washington, our President George W. Bush, 43rd President of these United States, delivered his seventh and some would say final State of the Union address [on screen: Bush saying, 'The state of the union will remain strong']. Added the president, 'I've done everything I could to jack this union up these past years, but union, you beat me. I tip my hat to you. You're a hell of a union.' But it was a big night. Everybody who was constitutionally mandated to be anybody was there. Hillary Clinton in a stunning red dress looking radiant, proving she would be the most electrifying cutaway. Son of a bitch, no! [on screen: FLOTUS Laura Bush also in red]. No! Damn you, Laura Bush! You promised me you would be in gabardine." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, February 9, 2008

#752

Late Night From 01/29

Part 3

"Of course, this was the president's final chance to state his case for his presidential legacy. For the man who came to Washington as a uniter, for him to tout the great biPart isan accomplishments of his seemingly freakishly long presidency [on screen: Bush saying, 'Six years ago we came together to pass the 'No Child Left Behind Act']. And that was it. It seems that as the president comes to the end of his two terms, he has finally realized the best way to get things done for you is for you to do it [on screen: Bush saying, 'We must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions. We ust trust in the creative genius of American researchers. We must trust in the wisdom of founders. We must trust in the skill of our scientists. We must trust American workers. We must trust patients and doctors. We must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership']. By the way, when he says we must trust Americans, he doesn't mean like the royal we as in him. I think we know his position on trusting us [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm the decider']." --Jon Stewar

"There you have it, a weird utterly subdued State of the Union, and according to Nancy Pelosi the theme of the address was things that taste like s--- [on screen: Pelosi moving her lips like there is a bad taste in her mouth]. Others, of course, had a more favorable impression. For instance, take a look at this right here [on screen: VP Cheney smiling]. He seems to have some kind of inverted scowl. Let me ask you, is the vice president sitting upside down? No. Yes, it appeared that Dick Cheney was enjoying himself. So, ladies and gentlemen, I must warn you that what I'm about to show you is unsettling and could cause great damage. I must ask that all pregnant women watching right now leave the room. I give you, now, Happy Cheney [on screen: a montage of Cheney smiling]. By my count, Dick Cheney smiled 12 times during that speech, meaning he only has four smiles left for the entire year. Although, worst case scenario, he does have a machine that steals smiles from children" --Jon Stewart

Sunday, February 10, 2008

#753

Late Night From 01/30

Part 1

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

"Don't worry about Edwards. He's going back to hosting 'Wheel of Fortune,' so he'll be fine." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"This is a time in the campaign where everybody is crazy about the endorsements, the big endorsements. Listen to this, Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. However, this endorsement is slightly tainted because, as you know, Janet Reno was mentioned in the Mitchell Report." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

Monday, February 11, 2008

#754

Late Night From 01/30

Part 2

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno

"The Democrats will not count the Florida vote. They're punishing Florida for moving their primary up. Do you know about this? So the delegates don't count. How ironic is that? The one election in Florida that is done early and it doesn't count." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he's going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

#755

Late Night From 01/30

Part 3

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Both Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards officially dropped out of the race today. I love how candidates have to make it official when they drop out. Like we have no idea they lost." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

"On the heels of the Florida results, both Part ies have lost a mainstream candidate. First up, South Carolina's favorite son, well, I guess in the primary there second favorite son. Obama won South Carolina and then there was their favorite daughter Hillary. I guess what I'm saying is, John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina." --Jon Stewart

"John Edwards announced his withdrawal from the presidential race in the same city that he announced his candidacy, New Orleans. Interesting side note: in between those two visits to New Orleans, the Bush government has promised to look into pricing some dehumidifiers to help the city get rid of some of that mildew smell. It's a nice gesture." --Jon Stewart

"Both Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards officially dropped out of the race today. I love how candidates have to make it official when they drop out. Like we have no idea they lost." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno

"Giuliani did not officially drop out until 6 pm eastern or 11 past 9 Giuliani standard time this evening. Although last night's winner unofficially dropped him out during his victory speech [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I want to thank my dear friend. My dear friend Rudy Giuliani. He invested his heart and soul in this primary and who conducted himself with all the qualities of the exceptional American leader he truly is. Thank you, Rudy']. Did Rudy Giuliani die?" --Jon Stewart

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

#756

Late Night From 01/30

Part 4

"Edwards' dePart ure leaves the Democratic nomination down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means that the Founding Fathers finally have a winner in their 'How Long Will It Take Our Nation To Nominate A Non-White Male' betting pool. Oh, I can't wait to find out who is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, George Mason of Virginia correctly guessed 219 years. Congratulations, Georgey!" --Jon Stewart

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, after some sub-fifth place finishes, Giuliani decided to focus all of his attention on Florida, making the state for lack of a better term 'Ground Zero' in his -- no that's not -- Ground Zero is not the right. Help me out here pundits [on screen: a montage of pundits saying Giuliani put all of his eggs in one basket]. I guess it seems the yolks on Giuliani whose dreams have been poached by other egg-strordinary candidates. Sorry. His career now scrambled. Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, the time he spent in Florida did pay off. He got 15% of the vote. Or, as it's known in Florida, all the Jews who used to live in New York." --Jon Stewart

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"John Edwards announced his withdrawal from the presidential race in the same city that he announced his candidacy, New Orleans. Interesting side note: in between those two visits to New Orleans, the Bush government has promised to look into pricing some dehumidifiers to help the city get rid of some of that mildew smell. It's a nice gesture." --Jon Stewart

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, the time he spent in Florida did pay off. He got 15% of the vote. Or, as it's known in Florida, all the Jews who used to live in New York." --Jon Stewart

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

Thursday, February 14, 2008

#757

Late Night From 01/30

Part 5

"Giuliani did not officially drop out until 6 pm eastern or 11 past 9 Giuliani standard time this evening. Although last night's winner unofficially dropped him out during his victory speech [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I want to thank my dear friend. My dear friend Rudy Giuliani. He invested his heart and soul in this primary and who conducted himself with all the qualities of the exceptional American leader he truly is. Thank you, Rudy']. Did Rudy Giuliani die?" --Jon Stewart

"How sad really that Edwards is out of the race, because he had a stirring message that really reached people about two Americas. It is so true, there were two Americas. One in which people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Hillary, and another America where people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Barack Obama." --Stephen Colbert

"John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both today announced they're pulling out of the race for president so they can spend more time with each other. That's really nice. Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. It matters that these are two men who are very much in love and they're not ashamed of it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Giuliani said he's going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"Actually, after some sub-fifth place finishes, Giuliani decided to focus all of his attention on Florida, making the state for lack of a better term 'Ground Zero' in his -- no that's not -- Ground Zero is not the right. Help me out here pundits [on screen: a montage of pundits saying Giuliani put all of his eggs in one basket]. I guess it seems the yolks on Giuliani whose dreams have been poached by other egg-strordinary candidates. Sorry. His career now scrambled. Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart

Friday, February 15, 2008

#758

Late Night From 01/31

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? Nasty, nasty debate, at one point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair cracked." --DavidLetterman

"Don't worry about Mitt, if this presidential thing doesn't work out he can always go back to playing Victor Newman on the 'Young and theRestless.' Mitt Romney doesn't look like a president, he looks like a ringmaster. Mitt looks like a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue. He looks like the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready. Mitt looks like the guy at a Part y who gives you his card. He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club. He looks like a jet blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during a delay. Mitt Romney looks like the guy who says to the contestant, 'We're out of time, can you comeback tomorrow?'" --David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John McCain. Arnold made his announcement in primitive sign language from his cage." --David Letterman

"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno

"As America looks desperately ahead to the next administration, the current one, apparently, has not left yet. For instance, last week Congress passed the National Defense Authorization bill for 2008, which controls the funding for our national defense, including wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, who knows, maybe a few surprise countries. Anyway, this is Congress' right, they're allowed to collect taxes, run the post office, get their own gym, and, you know, they getto raise and support armies. It's in the Constitution -- the funding and stuff. Well, funny story, the president added four, I guess you call them-interpretations to the bill Congress passed. I believe they're called signing statements. For instance, the passed and signed law says you can't use taxpayer money to build permanent military bases in Iraq, and the president is saying,'Uh, yeah, no, I think I can.' And the law they passed strengthens protections for whistleblowers. Which, I guess the president is saying he can un-blow. And the president rejected a couple of other provisions concerning Congress' ability to get intelligence assessments or investigate waste mismanagement and the reason that he gave was, uh, let me see if I can find -- He gave no reason"--Jon Stewart

Saturday, February 16, 2008

#759

Late Night From 02/01

"I watched this speech. It is so infuriating the way Bush has a way of getting religion on issues that he has been resisting forever, and then he acts like he thought of it and we're the a-------. This government must stop spending money we don't have! ... He actually had the nerve to say, 'For the sake of the environment, we got to use less oil. Some dips--- has been dragging his feet on global warming around here. When I find out who's in that guy's body, I'm going to f--- him up.'" --Bill Maher

"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elected a black-out drinker. ... This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher

"This is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Vagota is dead.'" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of dead, the Republicans on Wednesday night had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate -- I couldn't make this up -- with a shot of Reagan's diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it ... like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don't want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan's ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie." --Bill Maher

"We had Senator John McCain on the show last night. If he wins, he would be the oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"Happy Groundhog Day, ladies and gentlemen! ... It's funny. Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush pardoned a turkey." --David Letterman

Sunday, February 17, 2008

#760

Late Night From 02/02

Part 1

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

"Don't worry about Edwards. He's going back to hosting 'Wheel of Fortune,' so he'll be fine." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"This is a time in the campaign where everybody is crazy about the endorsements, the big endorsements. Listen to this, Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. However, this endorsement is slightly tainted because, as you know, Janet Reno was mentioned in the Mitchell Report." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

Monday, February 18, 2008

#761

Late Night From 02/04

"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno

"This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in a ground that's not running for president." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting? Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Part y was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno

"Now, of course, ultimately all of this is owed to the fact that because I gave him the Colbert bump, I made Mike Huckabee [on screen: Jon Stewart and Conan O'Brien appear to start a fight]. Super Tuesday is tomorrow. And this year, as in all election years, conservative Christians are playing a huge role. You either as a candidate have to appease them or get out of their way. Now, on the Republican side, Mitt Romney seems to be a favorite of conservative Christians this time around because as a Mormon, he is Christian-ish. John McCain has a little bit of a tougher time because he called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson agents of intolerance eight years ago. If there's one thing we know about Christians, they do not forgive. Not in their nature. --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

#762

Late Night From 02/5

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno

"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. ... This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. ... He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. ... He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. ... You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench." --David Letterman

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

#763

Late Night From 02/6

"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky - six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney did not do too well. Mitt Romney keeps touting the improtance of haivng a job in the private sector. Now it looks like he might need it." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Romney did bad, but this was the worst night for Mormons since Marie Osmond passed out on Dancing with the Stars." --Jay Leno

"Romney spent something like $35 million of his own money. If he loses any more, he may have to run as a Democrat." -Jay Leno

"In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it's working - today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if Mitt gets it. Last night he was talking to his supporters and he had his sweater tied around his neck. ... Mitt Romney came in second to John McCain. John McCain got the black vote, but Mitt got the well-tanned vote." --David Letterman

"Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee" --from David Letterman's Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky

Thursday, February 21, 2008

#764

Late Night From 02/07

"If he suspends his campaign, Mitt gets to keep his delegates. And I'm thinking, whoa, how would you like to be those five guys?" --David Letterman

"Mitt Romney withdrew from the race. Despite this, a new poll found that he is favored by senior citizens. Unfortunately for Mitt, the seniors still ranked him third behind applesauce and Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien

"The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, the first Mormon candidate, has dropped out of the race. He says he wants to focus on 2012, which is how many wives he has." --Craig Ferguson

From David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race: "Apparently America is not ready for a white male president"

Friday, February 22, 2008

#765

Late Night From 02/08

"Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams." --David Letterman

"Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to EPCOT Center." --Conan O'Brien

"Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn't work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, February 23, 2008

#766

Late Night From 02/11

"Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno

"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno

"But I really - I think I'm going to miss Mitt Romney. He looked like the white hunter who ignores Tarzan's warning." --David Letterman

Sunday, February 24, 2008

#767

Late Night From 02/12

"Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball. You know what's happening today? Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman

"And of course Mitt Romney dropped out of the race, and I'm going to miss him. Romney looked like a close personal friend of the late Bob Crane. ... Romney looks like a guy who says to the bartender, 'If I wanted a glass of tonic, I would have ordered it.' ... Romney looks like a guy you just met who uses your first name too much. ... Mitt Romney looks like a cavalry officer who has no intention of honoring the treaty with the Apaches." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news - half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government." --Jay Leno

Monday, February 25, 2008

#768

Late Night From 02/13 Part 1

"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

#769

Late Night From 02/13 Part 2

"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'Why did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress today, to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn't; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both. ... I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings since the last time Oliver North showed up wearing a banana hammock. ... They're very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

#770

Late Night From 02/14

"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman

"Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team - all 12 million of them." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday and he condemned the show 'The Sopranos' because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn't true - New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, February 28, 2008

#771

Late Night From 02/15

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"How about Mitt Romney, you know, he resigned. He dropped out of the campaign. He put it on hold. He suspended his campaign that is the word, he suspended his campaign. A lot of you folks are worried about Mitt. Don't worry about Mitt. He has already gone back to playing Trevor St. John on 'One Life To Live.'" --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, February 29, 2008

#772

Late Night From 02/18

"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'" --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. He looks like the guy who's always saying, 'What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought.'" --David Letterman

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now pushing Congress to expand the government's ability to spy on Americans now that the current phone tap bill has expired. In fact, to gain support for a new spying Bill, they're bringing in coach Bill Belichick. Yeah. They are going to rename it the New England Patriot Act." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now in Africa, where he's meeting with several of Africa's top leaders. See, again, I don't think President Bush is that familiar with Africa. Like, today, he said the leader he's most looking forward to meeting - the Lion King." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met the president of Tanzania yesterday and he gave him a pair of Shaquille O'Neal's sneakers. The president of Tanzania was thrilled and plans to use Shaq's shoes as a house for hundreds of his people." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, March 1, 2008

#773

Late Night From 02/19

"How about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh -- doesn't he look like the old guy at the barber shop? He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He kind of looks like the neighbor who says, "Oh, that dead tree is on your property," one of those guys. He's the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that's what he looks like. He looks like a mall walker, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb." --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"Did you notice, President Bush is in Africa this week? And yesterday, true story, he visited a school and read to the students from "The Cat in the Hat." Yeah. There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, 'Sir, this is a college.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan - "Ready To Lead America Into The 21st Century." Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old slogan, 'I've Been Around Since The 19th Century.'" --Conan O'Brien

"He was president a long time. Do you realize that when Castro came to power in 1959 John McCain was only 61 years old?" --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said: 'Independence? But, we haven't even invaded them yet.'" --Jay Leno

Sunday, March 2, 2008

#774

Late Night From 02/20

"Mike Huckabee's campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the big rallies, Chuck Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno

"On this week on ABC, John McCain said, no new taxes. You know who else said no new taxes? Wesley Snipes." --Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

"How about that John McCain, though? What do you think of John McCain? I knew he could count on you. He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn't he a little bit? He looks like the guy who has to always be told something is on his chin. He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned - you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he's 72 years young. He looks like the guy who's bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks like the guy who should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa." --David Letterman (Read more of Lettermna's McCain riffs)

"The band Abba wants John McCain to stop using their songs at his campaign rallies. Yeah. When asked about it, McCain said, 'Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into the Bee Gees.'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, March 3, 2008

#775

Late Night From 02/21

"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno

"They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she called McCain out of the blue and asked, "Are you happy with your current sex provider?" --Jay Leno

"But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they're not taking this scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

"And while he was in Africa, President Bush visited a school in Tanzania, and read to the students from 'The Cat in the Hat." I' was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words." --Jay Leno

"Hard to believe Fidel Castro is gone. See? So, the embargo worked; 49 years later, he is out of there. In fact, to mark the end of his almost 50 years in power, the Cuban people today gave Fidel Castro a golden raft." --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that a child's intellectual power, a child's brain power, a child's I.Q., is inherited solely from the mother. All the intelligence of a child comes from the mother. These findings are based on the study of the Bush twins." --Jay Leno

"It's been a very tough day for John McCain with the New York Times' allegation that he had an affair. The paper is saying McCain had an affair, years ago, with Joan of Arc or something." --Craig Ferguson

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

#776

Late Night From 02/22

"Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had another big debate last night. ... It was good. And Clinton accused Obama of plagiarism. Obama denied that what he did was plagiarism. You know, look, I don't want to comment on that. But you've gotta admit, wouldn't it be great to one day have a president that could pronounce words like 'plagiarism'?" --Jay Leno

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times alleging that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven't seen McCain this angry since 'Matlock' was canceled." --Jay Leno

"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is back from Africa. You know, he was hoping to go on a safari, but he never got the chance. See, I don't think President Bush really understands Africa. Like he said the reason why they go on a safari was, he always wanted to see a unicorn." --Jay Leno

"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

#777

Late Night From 02/23

"The New York Times printed a story that said ... in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c---block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. ... John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher

"But I know what you're thinking, a Republican politician ... with a woman?" --Bill Maher

"But I'm not buying this. I don't believe this story. I think this is a cynical attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. ... Because there's no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured it was Rudy Giuliani." --Bill Maher

"Speaking of cheating ... Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

"During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush was given the nation's highest civilian honor -- a meal" --Seth Meyers

Thursday, March 6, 2008

#778

Late Night From 02/25

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That's the only one there." --Jay Leno

"He's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know who's thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He's not the oldest guy anymore." --Jay Leno

"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno

"Now, as you probably know, President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, John McCain got an unexpected bump last week from the New York Times. They ran a story about his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. They hinted that he might have had an affair with her. Now it seems that instead of hurting his candidacy, it is helping his raise money because the Republican base is now rallying to his defense. And this couldn't be worse news for Mike Huckabee, who could not have possibly imagined McCain would get a boost from the story about an extramarital affair. He probably figured, hey, this is my chance. I don't want to say he's desperate, but this new ad he's running almost makes what should have been an embarrassing sex scandal seem like a competition [on screen: fake ad showing Huckabee with girls from 'Girls Gone Wild']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson

Friday, March 7, 2008

#779

Late Night From 02/26

"Here is some campaign excitement. Ralph Nader is running for president. I'm like you. I think this really could be Ralph's year." --David Letterman

"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman

"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman

"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno

"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno

"British scientists are now conducting new tests on the Shroud of Turin. ... They're trying to pinpoint exactly how old it is. They say if these tests are successful, one day they might be able too determine the exact age of John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader announced he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running 'cause he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the 'no chance in hell' votes." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, March 8, 2008

#780

Late Night From 02/27 Part 1

"How about that Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the night manager of a creepy motel, doesn't he? ... He looks like a guy whose compound would be raided by ATF agents." --David Letterman

"How about that John McCain, huh? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. He looks like a guy who parks his RV overnight at Wal-Mart." --David Letterman

"But getting back to Ralph Nader. This guy looks like a guy out of UFO documentary. ... He looks like a guy at a gas station who gives you bad directions." --David Letterman

"How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough. John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house." --David Letterman

"John McCain, on the other hand. He looks like the guy that walks up to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. John McCain looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings." --David Letterman

"Ralph Nader, doesn't he look like the cranky guy at a hearing on the new traffic light? He looks like the guy who can't find his table after he goes to the salad bar." --David Letterman

Sunday, March 9, 2008

#781

Late Night From 02/27 Part 2

"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno

"No, Nader says his reason for running is that he spent over 40 years as a consumer advocate. I think after 40 years of studying consumers' wants and needs, he'd realize consumers don't want or need him now" --Jay Leno

"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno

"On the other side of the political fence, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only has he not stepped down from his Senate seat after he plead guilty to disorderly conduct for playing footsie with an undercover police officer in an airport bathroom, but he's actually now looking for summer interns. He's looking for juniors and seniors in college from Idaho, have an interest in politics, and know how to keep their mouth shut. ... If you're interested, slip your resume under the third stall from the left in the men's room" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big news out of Cincinnati. And for the first time in modern memory it is not about Nick Lachey. No, this time it's about John McCain. Oh, I hate him so much! I've always hated him going all the way back to when Rush Limbaugh told me to hate him. Now McCain briefly won me over when he was attacked in the New York Times last week. I am irresistibly drawn to anything the New York Times attacks, which is how I got hooked on tainted beef." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, March 10, 2008

#782

Late Night From 02/28

"But I like John McCain, did I mention that? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who goes to the post office and asks for the new Gerald Ford stamp. ... John McCain looks like the guy standing in the grocery store aisle comparing high fiber cereals." --David Letterman

"Hey, here's a good news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns, Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code" --David Letterman

"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush really understands the impact this has on the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be paying $4 a gallon, he said, 'Why don't folks just buy half a gallon, and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?'" --Jay Leno

"Well, folks, the big news, Ralph Nader has chosen his running mate for president. You know who he picked? Matt Gonzalez! He chose Matt Gonzalez, 'cause Matt was the only guy that showed up at Ralph Nader's campaign rally." --Jay Leno

"Here's a story that was leaked to the press today. You know, Prince Harry, God bless him, serving his country. He's in Afghanistan on the front lines and he's been there before. Of course, it's been a huge secret. But he's been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Of course, President Bush was stunned when he heard this, and he said, 'His dad couldn't get him out of it?'" --Jay Leno

"Today, very strange development for John McCain. Have you heard about this? ... The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"For the second time in three years, the Boston Red Sox were invited to the White House. They won the World Series. The first time ... one of the outfielders, Manny Ramirez, didn't come to the White House because he said his grandmother was sick. So when Manny didn't show up to the White House again this year, President Bush already had his excuse ready for him [on screen: Bush saying, 'Sorry Manny Ramirez isn't here. I guess his grandmother died again']. W being W again. You know what though? I think he's using humor to hide the pain of disappointment." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

#783

Late Night From 02/29

"Leap day, it comes every four years. But it really doesn't mean anything. It's like a Ralph Nader running for president, it doesn't mean anything." --David Letterman

"Cold today, wasn't it? Experts believe it is caused by the cold front coming off the John McCain marriage." --David Letterman

"They are talking about John McCain and his relationship with that hot blond lobbyist, Vicki. But I want to tell you something. After Senator Larry Craig, this is a Washington scandal the whole family can enjoy, don't you think?" --David Letterman

"Mike Huckabee is still in the race, at this point. Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he won't stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he's dropping out six weeks ago" --Conan O'Brien

"In a press conference today, President Bush announced America is not headed into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Bush said that last year an intelligence gap opened up. Last year? Gee, didn't that open up about 2001, right after the inauguration?" --Jay Leno

"And more problems with John McCain. The New York Times is now saying there is a question as to whether McCain is eligible to become president because he was born in Panama. See, his parents were in the military, so he was born in Panama. In fact, the reason they moved away from Panama, the building of the canal was keeping the young John McCain up." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

#784

Late Night From 03/1

"I don't want to say McCain is old, but yesterday he got on the wrong bus, and ended up taking a gambling junket to Atlantic City." --Jay Leno

"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno

"I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet." --Bill Maher

"The other day President Charles in Charge has a press conference about the economy. He refused to say the word 'recession.' He says the word 'slow-down.' It's a 'slow-down.' This is because every time he has a meeting about the economy, he says to his advisors 'woah woah, slow down.'" --Bill Maher

"John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack's Obama's middle name, 'Hussein,' without once mentioning McCain's middle name, 'Methuselah.'" --Seth Meyers

"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler

Thursday, March 13, 2008

#785

Late Night From 03/3

Jon Stewart to Hillary Clinton: "This election is about judgment. Tomorrow is perhaps one of the most important days of your life, and yet you have chosen to spend the night before talking to me. Senator, as a host I'm delighted. As a citizen, frightened." Hillary Clinton, in response: "It is pretty pathetic"

"Senator Obama's message? I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were still here [on screen: Obama saying, 'If we do well in Texas and Ohio, I think the math is such where it will be hard for her to win the nomination. The press has sort of bought into this I think because they want to keep the contest interesting. She has got a little desperate towards the end of this campaign']. Huh. Obama might be a good candidate, but it seems like he'd be kind of a dicky boyfriend." --Jon Stewart

"But I guess the only solace for the Democrats is that the Republican challengers McCain and Huckabee are also still locked in a battle to the finish [on screen: CNN's Dana Bash saying, 'I'm Dana Bash in Sedona, Arizona. John McCain, he's here this weekend. We just got back from a barbecue at his house. He had a gas grill going. He was barbecuing baby back ribs']. Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong. Then Lindsey Graham jumped in the pool with his clothes on. He's nuts." --Jon Stewart

"Still, I'm sure McCain is somewhat concerned. I'm sure there was some discussion of the difficult political campaign ahead. Yes? [on screen: Bash saying, 'He was sharing with everybody his recipe for the best, from his perspective, the best baby back ribs. We put it on our website if anybody is going to want that']. You know, you don't have to check the website. Actually, I have the recipe right here. It's two parts vinegar, one part honey and a splash of Mitt Romney's bitter tears" --Jon Stewart

"Speaking of Hillary, for those of you who turned on your televisions at 11:30, thank you. But you missed something special, Jon Stewart going mano a womano with Hillary Clinton. That's what we in the industry call a 'good get.' And I am so happy for him [on screen: Colbert breaks a pencil in anger]. You know what, he needs the exposure. I mean, who watches the Oscars? [on screen: Colbert breaks a pencil in anger]. Of course, Hillary missed out on the coveted Colbert Bump, which raised Mike Huckabee from afterthought to national contender, and lifted Mike Gravel from homeless to hobo. Oh, and Senator Clinton, the Colbert Bump has just been proven by science. Political science. In Thursday's Los Angeles Times, professor James H. Fowler of UC-San Diego presented his research that candidates who appear on 'The Report' receive 44% more money than those who do not. 44%! I have given more cash to these guys than Mitt Romney gave to himself" --Stephen Colbert

Friday, March 14, 2008

#786

Late Night From 03/4

"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On the Republican side, no surprise, John McCain won enough delegates to score the Republican nomination. He beat Huckabee in all the primaries. Huckabee dropped out the race tonight. This despite his high-profile appearance on 'Tyra' Friday. I thought that was going to do it for him. I guess once Oprah anointed Obama, everyone else headed for Tyra Town" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell, of let's say of natural causes. Obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern, and still President Bush has a clear message he would like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad [on screen: Bush saying, 'The message needs to be quit sending in sophisticated equipment that is killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran']. A strong message to send, but the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plan. They'll hit him. ... Wait, what? [on screen: Ahmadinejad arrives to a red carpet and a child with flowers]. There appears to be kissing. Alright, now here's where they'll execute him. No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. To the untrained eye that may appear to be gracious, maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f--- you." --Jon Stewart"Maybe we didn't make this clear, but we think the guy from Iran is a bit of an ah-mad-dick-ah-nejad. ... Did you think we wouldn't find out? I didn't want to say anything, but one phone call and you get this [on screen: the statue of Saddam Hussein being risen]. That's right. We can put the statutes right back where we found them, mister. After we built you an entire green zone. We could have gone with any color, but you wanted green. ... It would be nice when our sworn enemy visits your country that you give him a slightly tougher reception than the one he gets at Columbia University" --Jon Stewart

Saturday, March 15, 2008

#787

Late Night From 03/5

"I want to say congratulations to Senator John McCain of Arizona who last night captured the Republican nomination for president. ... He won all the primaries. It's especially impressive considering the fact that last summer his candidacy was written off for dead. He was carrying his own luggage, he had to ask for volunteers to drive him to events, there were holes in his socks, some of his teeth were missing. It was a mess. So last night's victories that put him over the top delegate-wise were especially sweet for the 71-year-old McCain and his supporters. I tell you what, they really cut loose to celebrate [on screen: a group of elderly people dancing]." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So how did the final four fare in last night's crucial Texas and Ohio primaries? Perhaps the opening words from their speeches tell the tale. Sure, each scene looked festive, but is it? Let's start with Hillary Clinton [on screen: HRC saying, 'This nation is coming back, and so is this campaign']. I swear to God, I'm starting to think she's one of those Terminators. She can't be stopped. You throw them in the vat, you think it's over, and all of a sudden, the little droplets start to recoagulate, and she rises up -- I won Ohio!" --Jon Stewart

"And on the Republican side? [on screen: McCain saying, 'We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents." --Jon Stewart

"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert

"Last night, McCain finally took the opportunity to tell the Christian right exactly what he is willing to do for them [on screen: McCain saying, 'Nothing, nothing, nothing']. That is what you call straight talk." --Stephen Colbert

"But there is some good news. The Democrats are destroying themselves. Nation, Hillary Clinton is back! Senator Clinton pulled out major victories in Ohio and Texas, leaving Barack Obama so demoralized he began sputtering incoherently [on screen: Obama speaking in Spanish]. Analysts say the turning point came when Senator Clinton planted serious doubts in the minds of voters about whether Barack Obama could answer a phone." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, March 16, 2008

#788

Late Night From 03/06

"So you remember Florida and Michigan? ... They held their Democratic primaries early, ended up having all their delegates stripped, not having their votes count. Remember how none of us really cared? Because we don't live there. And it's not like the race was going to be close. And those hundreds of delegates would be the difference between victory for a candidate in November and disastrous party infighting. Funny story. Now that each Democratic delegate is as precious as a Gutenberg Bible stained with centaur tears and signed by both Johannes and Steve Gutenberg." --Jon Stewart

"Congressional delegations from both states met on Capitol Hill to find a way to make their delegates count even if it means taking legal action. In short, this election could come down to a lawsuit involving Florida. How precedented. How absolutely heard of. And, you know, Florida, I kind of expect that from you, because God forbid we have something nice that you don't f--- up for us. But Michigan? I guess I expected a little more maturity from you." --Jon Stewart

"Meanwhile, on the Republican side, yesterday John McCain visited President George W. Bush to be passed the torch, a torch that the president most likely broke and crazy glued back together hoping no one would notice." --Jon Stewart

"As you know, McCain and the president have somewhat of a complicated relationship, like this one time in 2000 when the president's surrogates accused McCain of being mentally unstable 'cause he had been a POW, and that his wife was a drug addict, and that he had fathered an illegitimate child with a black prostitute. You remember? [on screen: footage of a '00 debate where McCain tells Bush he should be ashamed']. Yeah, he's not. Of course, you remember in 2000, after Bush won the nomination, McCain was able to put that behind him [on screen: McCain blinking continuously while saying, without much emotion, 'I look forward to enthusiastically campaigning for Governor Bush for the next six months between now and November']. So passionate, and yet he seems to be blinking 'help me' in morse code." --Jon Stewart

"Over the next eight years, McCain continued to enthusiastically support the president, dining heartily at the George W. Bush Permanent Tax Cut And Neverending War S--- Taqueria. By the way, the one in Washington, the original. All the while remaining true [on screen: McCain saying, 'I endorse Governor Bush' multiple times]. Beetlejuice! And now, finally, it's Senator Johnny's time to shine. And so the senator headed to the White House to receive the heartfelt endorsement of our commander-in-chief [on screen: Bush tap dancing]. The phone is ringing, but the president doesn't hear it because he's dancing to Jamiroquai." --Jon Stewart

"To the endorsement! [on screen: Bush saying, 'A while back I don't think many people would have thought that John McCain would be here as the nominee of the Republican Party']. Okay. Okay. Not really an endorsement. More of a I guess you'd call that a swipe. I guess that was a swipe. To the endorsement. [on screen: Bush saying, 'As I welcome you here, I wish you all the best and I'll try to be your friend']. Is John McCain moving to a new school? What the hell was that? You're a good friend? All right. So no explicit endorsement from George W. Bush. Although, on the plus side, no specific endorsement from George W. Bush [on screen: McCain saying he hopes Bush will find some time in his busy schedule to campaign for him]. Busy schedule? Um, did you see what he was doing right before you got there? [on screen: Bush tap dancing] See you on the campaign trail, boys!" --Jon Stewart

Monday, March 17, 2008

#788

Late Night From 03/07

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers

"President Bush said Thursday that he would probably accept foreign donations to build his presidential library in Dallas, and would keep donor's names confidential if they do not want to be identified, and yet, still nothing." --Amy Poehler

"After securing the Republican presidential nomination on Tuesday, John McCain addressed his supporters, saying, 'Stand up with me, my friends. Stand up and fight for America.' To which supporters responded, [on screeen: picture of elderly people in wheelchairs] 'We can't'" --Amy Poehler

"But it's interesting, this race is so even that each side could make the case that they should be the nominee, and neither one of them is going anywhere. Which, I think it's a bad sign for the country, when the Democratic campaign is predicted to last longer than the Republican nominee." --Bill Maher

"Hillary's been going around saying, 'I've been tested.' John McCain also said, 'I've been tested, and luckily the tests came back negative, knock on wood.'" --Bill Maher

"But congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

#789

Late Night From 03/10

"How about that presidential race, you excited about that? We're gonna have a new president. How 'bout that John McCain? I like that John McCain. But he, uh, John McCain and his campaign received a serious setback ... a couple of days ago he was endorsed by President Bush." --David Letterman

"I do, I like that John McCain, he looks like a guy who waits all day for the mail to come. He looks like a guy who's dating your mom. He looks like one of those guys who calls the waitress 'Toots'" --David Letterman

"You know they said on the news today, neither Barack nor Hillary can win the nomination outright. You know, because it's so close. So Hillary's kind of caught between Barack and a hard place." --Jay Leno

"They're talking about a re-vote primary where people would mail in their ballots. That's a great idea, combine the reliability of the people in Florida who count the ballots with the efficiency of the Post Office. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"So you gotta be fair. It's not good, some of these girls charged the governor up to $5,000 an hour. And when he heard that, today Sen. Larry Craig said, 'I would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.'" --Jay Leno

"Big news, of course, this Friday, President Bush is going to be in New York City to give a speech on the U.S. economy. Speech is made up of only two words -- It blows. Get in, get out." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain all claim that they should be the person to answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. ... Meanwhile, most Americans think the White House should just get a receptionist." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain just announced that later this month he might take a trip to Iraq. ... Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone we didn't hear from him for five years." --Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

#790

Late Night From 03/11

"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Mississippi, Barack Obama told the crowd he is not interested in being Hillary Clinton's running mate, saying, he didn't know how he could be offered the lesser job if he's in first place. Come to think of it, I was wondering that myself." --Jay Leno

"Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don't think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O." --Jay Leno

"Are you getting a little more excited about the presidential race now? ... Remember when it was 140 people running for president and you didn't know who they were? Now we're down to three. And the latest is Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain, they've all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 20, 2008

#791

Late Night From 03/12

"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman

"And Democratic officials in Florida and Michigan are talking about doing a re-vote. They want people to vote again in those primaries. In fact, Florida officials have been scrambling to re-program their voting machines, because most of them are still wired to pick George Bush." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you know who's gonna run for Congress? Jack Kevorkian. Remember him? The suicide doctor. Kevorkian is 79 years old, and he's going to run for Congress. See, there's a term limit proposal everybody could get behind. See what I'm saying? Just have the politicians kill themselves." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. I got to mention it, though. This week, airport security stopped a woman from getting on a plane with a skeleton in her luggage. The woman's name -- Mrs. Larry King." --Conan O'Brien

"On Monday, the lieutenant governor will take over. His name is David Patterson. He's African-American and legally blind. He'll be the first blind governor in the United States. He's already announced that his top legislative priority will be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs." --Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, March 21, 2008

#792

Late Night From 03/13

"We begin tonight with a special campaign edition of our ongoing series: You're Not Helping. First, non-helper Geraldine Ferraro, the 1984 Democratic vice presidential nominee and longtime woman, is a Hillary Clinton supporter, and honorary finance chairwoman who said 'If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. ... He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.' I'll say, to be that dynamic, charismatic, to be leading in the popular vote, talk about luck ... hmm? [on screen: Stewart puts his finger to his ear]. Oh, she meant because he's black. Oh. He's lucky to be black. Well, that's lucky too. I mean, 40 acres AND a mule, I mean. You know, for most people that's an either/or. ... Please can we stop making this campaign about race and patriotism and different candidate supporters and get back to focusing on what it's about -- the black guy and the lady" --Jon Stewart

"Tonight, is Barack Obama a Muslim? I examine the facts and come up with a 'Yes' anyway. This race has gotten downright ugly. ...The Democratic Party is self-destructing like a ... the Democratic Party. Nothing else, nothing else eats itself quite so enthusiastically. So join me tonight as I celebrate the implosion of the American left in my new segment: [on screen: Democralypse Now, The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape]. ...This week, Clinton advisor Geraldine Ferraro ripped Barack Obama to journalistic powerhouse the Daily Breeze, which covers the south bay area of Los Angeles and has a daily circulation of the people who find it on the bus. [on screen: clip of Ferraro saying Obama's lucky to be who he is]. That's right, Barack Obama is lucky to be who he is. He is lucky to be Barack Hussein Obama. His free ride is rivaled only by Congressman Fidel Pol Pot Bin Hitler. Ferraro has since resigned, but refused to apologize, and folks, there's no reason she should. Once you pass 70, you can say whatever you want about black people, and Chinamen. I can't wait." --Stephen Colbert

Saturday, March 22, 2008

#793

Late Night From 03/15

"You know the amazing thing to me about this whole situation is? Now, we didn't know anything about this woman. She'd given a fake name, 'Kristen,' and a vague general description -- 5'5", petite. That's all we knew. Yet, reporters tracked her down in a day and a half. A day in a half, they found her. Now, Osama bin Laden, the most famous terrorist in the world -- he's 6'6", he's got a beard, he wears the same robe and turban every day -- we have no idea." --Jay Leno

"Taking over for Governor Spitzer will be the lieutenant governor, David Paterson, who is legally blind. Interesting. Once again, I don't think President Bush really understands the situation. In fact, when he heard 'legally blind,' he said, 'I love that movie.'" --Jay Leno

"A blue-ribbon panel of educators put together by President Bush -- President Bush put these guys together. He's determined that other countries' kids are better at math because we try to teach our kids too much. Oh, that's the problem? We're teaching them too much. Teach them less and they'll learn more. In fact, don't teach them at all, they could grow up to be president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, things are bad. We've got an unpopular war, we have high energy prices, slumping economy. I just hope to God the president doesn't find out." --David Letterman

"In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney on Tuesday said he would be honored to serve as John McCain's vice presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, 'So, how do you like this weather?'" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy, even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs and jobs continue to be lost. Yeah. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, 'Hookers are doing well.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Big news out of the Pentagon. The Pentagon just published a report, just a couple of hours ago, that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. Never any link. Yeah. The report is entitled, 'Oops, Our Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The economy is in trouble, at least that's what some of the financial analysts in the audience are saying today. But President Bush this morning gave a speech at the Economic Club of New York -- that sounds like a fun club to be a part of. He urged the businessmen and women in the audience not to overreact. If you have ever seen the footage of him reading to the children on 9/11, you know one thing that this guy doesn't do is overreact. He also said that if you look at the numbers overall, even though things may seem bad right now, they're actually very, very good compared to how they're gonna be. So, enjoy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was pretty blunt in his speech today, but at the end he managed to put a positive spin on things [on screen: Bush laughing after a series of negative things are said about the economy]. He has a special gift, and that is being able to see humor in everything. Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, March 23, 2008

#794

Late Night From 03/17

"A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline, oh, my God, it's going crazy. In Hawaii, now over $4 a gallon. Again, President Bush, I don't think he understands the problem. Like today, he says, 'First off, nobody drives to Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno

"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3." --Jay Leno

"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman

"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman

"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

Monday, March 24, 2008

#795

Late Night From 03/18

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"How about the economy? You folks jittery about the economy? And the stock market? ... George Bush, earlier today, reassured the country about the economy. He said, 'I'm on top of it.' George W. Bush, our president, said I'm on top it. I said to myself, well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman

"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. ... Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to Iraq. Or, as he calls it, Spring Break." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain" --Jay Leno

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

#796

Late Night From 03/19

"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential nominee John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president is to introduce to the Iraqi people the concept of the early bird special. Yeah, eating dinner at 4:30." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush said his decision to invade was 'remarkably effective.' Yeah, that's why we're still there after five years. Happy Anniversary!" --Jay Leno

"Bush also went on to say that Bear Stearns is just going through a tough time and victory's just around the corner. ... I don't want to say Wall Street is in financial trouble. You know who's in charge of Bear Stearns right now, you know who's running it? Britney Spears' dad." --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'" --Jay Leno

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

#797

Late Night From 03/19 Part 2

"It could now be profitable for oil companies to start drilling for oil in Los Angeles again. And once again, I think President Bush doesn't really understand this issue. Like today, he announced the drawing of a contingency plan to invade the San Fernando Valley." --Jay Leno

"How about that John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Do you like John McCain? John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush's Iraq policy. I said, well, sure, slice me eight more years of that, will ya?" --David Letterman

"I do like John McCain. He looks like a guy who thinks he is sheriff of the neighborhood, you know? 'You're going to have to trim back those hedges. You are gonna have to get out there and trim them back.' ... He looks like the guy who is a regular at the paint store. 'What color is that? You gotta use that up. I'm looking for a Humbolt Blue.' ... He looks like a guy who walks by your house with his arthritic dog." --David Letterman (Read more Letterman jabs at Old Man McCain)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

#798

Late Night From 03/20 Part 1

"President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we've made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can't afford to lose any of that!" --Jay Leno

I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas, over $4 a gallon. Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard about this he said, "You know, I'm more concerned about the price of gasoline here in America." --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain was in England, where he visited his birthplace, Stonehenge." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency." --Jay Leno

"Well, we have former presidential candidate John Edwards on the show tonight. He ran a terrific campaign. His No. 1 issue, of course, was the poor and those who live in poverty. Or, as we call them now, Bear Sterns stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill" that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, of course, a very special day. The five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. ... Hard to believe, folks. Five years, and they said it wouldn't last. Seriously, they said it wouldn't last [on screen: VP Cheney saying he doesn't think Iraq will be a long, costly and bloody battle with significant American casualties; and Donald Rumsfeld saying the war won't even last six months]. Missed it by [on screen: Stewart holds out extendable fake arms as far as they can go]." --Jon Stewart

Friday, March 28, 2008

#799

Late Night From 03/20 Part 2

"Whatever the American public may feel about this war, one thing is certain -- it doesn't matter [on screen: Cheney saying 'So' when told by ABC's Martha Raddatz that two-thirds of Americans say it's not worth fighting]. So? ... [on screen: Asked if he doesn't care what the American people think, Cheney saying, 'No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion poll']. Yes, always let your incompetence be your guide. Public opinion polls are meaningless, right, Vice President Cheney? They mean nothing [on screen: old footage of Cheney in '05 saying, 'You look at the polls by ABC, it shows a great deal of optimism and hope on the part of the Iraqi people']. I'm sorry, I should clarify -- American public opinion polls mean nothing to him." --Jon Stewart

"But on this glorious anniversary, how is the man at the center of the storm feeling? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, 'The battle in Iraq has been longer and harder and more costly than we anticipated']. Who is this 'we,' paleface? It appears that five years into this conflict the president is only now speaking to the American people as he should have in the beginning. Maybe we've all been wrong in viewing this war on a linear space-time continuum. Perhaps to view this war as a success, we have to look at it the way the president does -- backwards. For instance, three years into the war, we were in trouble [on screen: Bush saying, 'The terrorists haven't given up. They are tough-minded. They like to kill. There's going to be more tough fighting ahead']. But just as we were getting discouraged by the tough fighting, two years into the war, some hope [on screen: Bush saying, 'We made a lot of progress. It's amazing how much progress has been made']. But progress can be fleeting, and people will grow impatient for a turning point, which they will get one year earlier [on screen: Bush saying, 'Today, as Iraqis joined the free peoples the world, we mark a turning point for the Middle East and a crucial advance for human liberty']. Yes, it's the kind of turning point that makes you think maybe, just maybe, in a little more than four years ago, this war will have been over [on screen: Bush saying, 'Major combat operations in Iraq have ended and the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed']. The war was over! Hooray! But victory without bringing home our troops is as a hollow pyrrhic victory indeed. Well, finally, we received word they would be coming home from war the night we sent them [on screen: Bush saying, 'We have no ambition in Iraq except to remove a threat and restore control of that country to its own people, and you can know that our forces will be coming home as soon as their work is done']. Four less years! Four less years!" --Jon Stewart

Saturday, March 29, 2008

#800

Late Night From 03/21

"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It's unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party -- it's just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he'd be if the Republicans had actually done something." --Jay Leno

"This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've never forgotten." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno

"Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King." --Conan O'Brien

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

"Also, the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war. How romantic. Once again, they forgot to greet us with flowers. ... Traditionally, this is the wood anniversary -- five. Which is fitting, 'cause that's what Dick Cheney gets when he thinks of war." --Bill Maher

"The thing is, Republicans, of course, don't allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them." --Bill Maher

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