Jokes of the day

501 - 600

Sunday, April 22, 2007

#501

Late Night 4/12

Part 1

"Yesterday, Don Imus was fired by MSNBC. Then today, he was also fired by CBS. When reached for comment, Imus said, 'I can't believe I've been kicked off TV and Sanjaya hasn't.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president, but in his official filing, he misspelled the word 'president.' Political experts say it's all part of Hunter's plan to attract Bush supporters." --Conan O'Brien

"CBS has now fired Don Imus. ... How many times do you get fired from the same job? NBC fired him, then CBS fired him, and this afternoon, ABC hired him so they could fire him. ... I don't think Imus gets it. Like today, he blamed the whole thing on the Jewish-owned media." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton announced today she is going to meet with the Rutgers' women's basketball team. Haven't these women suffered enough? ... There was some good news for Don Imus. He got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, thanks for knocking the Iraq war off the front page.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is on the show tonight. She is second in line to be president. And with Cheney ahead of her, that line could move pretty quickly." --Jay Leno

Monday, April 23, 2007

#502

Late Night 4/12

Part 2

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. ... But he does know how much a wedding cake costs, because he's bought three of those" --Jay Leno

"The 2008 presidential campaign is underway, and the most important part, as always, will be the photo-ops, a chance for the candidates to show the voting public that their image can be captured on film, thus proving they are not vampires." --Jon Stewart

"Turning now to our current president. Tuesday, he took his case for funding the Iraq troop surge to American Legion Post 177 ... and began with the airing of the platitudes [on screen: Bush saying, 'It matters what happens in distant lands.'] Of course, that seems obvious to many people ... but he just found that out." --Jon Stewart

"This is a critical time in the conflict, one that calls for a strong leader. And what better title for that leader than one evoking an ineffectual, tyrannical dynasty ultimately slaughtered by Communists in a filthy basement deep in the Ural Mountains?" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on why the position of "war czar" is being created

"According to the Washington Post, the president is seeking candidates for a brand new position they're calling the 'war czar.' ... It's worked before. Just look at the war on drugs [on screen: Dude, What If The War Looked At You?] Back in the '80s, President Reagan appointed the first drug czar ... and now drugs are all gone [on screen: Down Rush Limbaugh's Throat]. ... Three former generals have already turned the offer down. ... I'm glad the generals didn't take the jobs. It gives me a chance to play headhunter for the president [on screen: Cheney = Facehunter]" --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

#503

Late Night 4/13

"The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators -- e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler

"Are you aware that it's Friday the 13th? ...Down in Washington, D.C., a confused President Bush lit a menorah." --David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is running for president. ... He was talking to the press a couple of weeks ago, and he said he likes to hunt. Turns out he's only been hunting twice in his life. ... His aides are panicked. They're saying, 'For God's sake, will you go hunting and shoot somebody in the face?'" --David Letterman

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

#504

Late Night 4/14

The women's basketball team at Rutgers has decided to accept Don Imus' apology. Our long national nightmare is over. ... They accepted his apology ... and then they went back to the dorm and listened to the new R. Kelly jam, 'Pee On a Ho.'" --Bill Maher

"As far as anyone can remember, no New Jersey governor has ever been in a car crash ... although former Governor McGreevey was frequently rear-ended." --Bill Maher

"President Bush spoke at a Catholic prayer breakfast. You can tell it was a Catholic prayer breakfast because it was in the morning and he said, 'I'm dying for a little Joe.' And they brought him an alter boy" --Bill Maher

"Presidential candidate John Edwards said regarding the Imus scandal that he believes in forgiveness. Imus called Edwards to thank him and ask if he knew any radio jobs in that other America." --Jay Leno

"Scary moment earlier today for Vice President Dick Cheney's plane. ... It hit a bird over O'Hare airport. A bird got sucked into the engine. Or, as Cheney calls it, a hunting accident. I think it's the first bird he ever hit" --Jay Leno

"It was announced that Hooter's will open one of its restaurants in Israel this summer. So much for keeping the meat separate from the dairy" --Amy Poehler

Thursday, April 26, 2007

#505

Late Night 4/17

Part 1

"Things aren't looking good for Republicans.John McCain's campaign is in free fall. Mitt Romney got caught making up those stupid hunting stories. Rudy Giuliani's been married three times. In fact, the Republican candidates are doing so badly, Democrats are gonna have to work extra hard to screw up this next election" --Jay Leno

"Meteorologists believe the storm actually started in Washington. What happened was the hot air from Congress mixed with the cold chill from the White House. ... It was a powerful storm. The White House said that the storm destroyed over 10 million e-mails. ... They call this storm a Nor'easter. Which really confused President Bush. He heard a Nor'easter was coming and said, 'Great. Let's get the eggs out again.'" -Jay Leno

"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

Friday, April 27, 2007

#506

Late Night 4/17

Part 2

In New England we call it a Nor'easter. When President Bush heard about this, he got very confused. He said, 'Does this mean next week we'll have a Nor'passover?'" --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson from Wisconsin is speaking to a Jewish group ... and he tells them, 'For the first time in my life I'm earning money, which is part of the Jewish tradition.' Experts say this could hurt him with the Jewish vote in Iowa ... both of them." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has announced that his son Tagg Romney has joined the campaign. No word from the other kids -- Skip, Jump Rope, and See Saw." --Jay Leno

"President Bush picked [Iraq war architect Paul] Wolfowitz to head the World Bank in 2005. His mission? Use its mighty financial resources to raise the living standards of people around the world. His first beneficiary? Well, his girlfriend. Last week it was disclosed that Wolfowitz had used his influence to get a promotion and a raise for his long-time paramour, World Bank employee Shaha Ali Riza -- considered to be a foremost expert on the Middle East. Which means, you know what they say, opposites attract." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, April 28, 2007

#507

Late Night 4/18

Part 1

"Republican candidate Mitt Romney says that Hillary Clinton is wrong when she says it takes a village to raise a child. But when Hillary's book came out, Romney said Hillary was right and it does take a village to raise a child. For a lifelong hunter, this guy sure shoots himself in the foot a lot." --Jay Leno

"Scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. First, Newt got worried when he heard the IRS said they were cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized it was guys who cheated on their taxes, not their wives." --Jay Leno

"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno

"FEMA told Congress this week that a revised emergency response plan it was ordered to develop after Hurricane Katrina will not be ready by hurricane season. Well, there's a shock. It's only been two years. I'm surprised FEMA even knows when hurricane season is." --Jay Leno

Sunday, April 29, 2007

#508

Late Night 4/19

Part 1

The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. ... So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that this administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing" --Jon Stewart

"Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. ... He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore ... he deleted everything." --Jay Leno

"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart

"Gonzales used the phrase 'I don't recall' 45 times before lunch. I should point out ... that's a lot. ... What could make a guy forget such a big decision that happened so recently? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I went back and looked at my calendar for that week. I traveled to Mexico for the inauguration of the new president. We had National Meth Awareness Day']. Now we know! You know, I'm the same way, Alberto. Whenever I celebrate National Meth Day, it always ends up being National Meth Month" --Jon Stewart

Monday, April 30, 2007

#509

Late Night 4/20

"Laura Bush said in an interview that she can't fall asleep without reading. As opposed to her husband, who can't read without falling asleep." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson, the former governor of Wisconsin, is speaking to a Jewish group ... and says to them, 'For the first time in my life I'm earning money, which is part of the Jewish tradition.' Then he apologized with, 'I'm sorry. ... I'm so sorry. That's the speech I was supposed to give in front of the Muslim group'" --Jay Leno

Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales maintains that he still won't resign. ... Really, Alberto Gonzales? You're not going to resign? ... During the hearings, you said 'I don't remember' or ' I don't recall' over 50 times. Don't lawyers need to have good memories? ... I'd rather have the guy from 'Memento' as a lawyer. My Commodore 64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. ... Even the most conservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he's so conservative, he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS" --Seth Meyers

"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

#510

Late Night From 4/20

Part 2

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher

"He is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

"Our Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, sneaked off to Baghdad today. He said he just wanted to get away from the violence." --Bill Maher

"The president went down to Virginia Tech to console these people. He said, 'There's no explaining why these things happen. I just wish there was someone I could bomb for you.'" --Bill Maher

"Also taking some heat today is Harry Reid, the Democrat leader in the Senate. He apparently told President Bush Iraq is lost. And Bush said, 'Maybe it's with Karl Rove's e-mails.'" --Bill Maher

"In his testimony yesterday, Alberto Gonzales admitted the firing of U.S. attorneys was mishandled. He said it was mishandled, but he was only marginally involved. I'm not saying Alberto Gonzales is in trouble, but today Sanjaya said, 'Get rid of him.' .

"A new study says that heart disease is related to erectile dysfunction. No wonder Dick Cheney's been so grumpy all the time." --Jay Leno

"Embattled World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz said Sunday that he will not resign over the scandal in which he secured a pay raise for his girlfriend. That's one thing you have to admire about Wolfowitz: he's a total douche." --Seth Meyers

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

#511

Late Night from 4/23

Part 1

"Yesterday was Earth Day. Or, as President Bush calls it, Sunday." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates were out campaigning on Earth Day Weekend. They had some good ideas. Like John McCain suggested we bomb Iran just using hybrid planes. ... Newt Gingrich said next time he cheats on his wife, he'll do it with the lights off to save energy. ... Did you see Bill Clinton picking up some trash on the beach? Then he gave her cab fare home." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates jumping on the environmental bandwagon. In fact, John Kerry's wife Teresa just came out with her own book on the environment. I have the first copy. It's called 'And You Thought Al Gore's Book Was Boring.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see who was at the White House Correspondents' Dinner this past weekend? Sanjaya from 'American Idol.' He was a guest. In fact, Republican leaders made Alberto Gonzales sit next to Sanjaya as kind of a hint that maybe it was time to go." --Jay Leno

"Sanjaya's already got a new job. ... He's been hired by the John Edwards campaign as a hair consultant." --Jay Leno

"According to a new ABC/Washington Post presidential poll, in just the last two months, presidential candidate Joe Biden has moved from one percent to two percent. I think he's peeking too early" --Jay Leno

Thursday, May 3, 2007

#512

Late Night From 4/23

Part 2

"President Bush is standing by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Bush says Gonzales is an honorable man. You know what that means? George is rinking again" --David Letterman

"Reviews of Gonzales' performance were mixed. 99.99% of the people who saw it felt he embarrassed himself. The other .01% was this guy [on screen: Pres. Bush]" --Jon Stewart, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

"It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. ... Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say ... nailed it" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

"I'm getting just a little bit concerned about the 2008 presidential election. Election Day is only 19 months away ... and I hate to say it, but there doesn't seem to be a clear cut winner yet. Come on, media. It's your job to preemptively anoint someone so we all know who to give our money to." --Stephen Colbert

"Today's USA Today broke down the Republican field. ... 'Rudy Giuliani has liberal social views and a messy personal history.' Messy personal history? Come on. That's pre-9/11 thinking. Giuliani hasn't filed for divorce once since then." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, May 4, 2007

#513

Late Night From 4/24

Part 1

"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno

"The former president of Russia, Boris 'buy me a drink' Yeltsin, has passed away. He left behind a bar tab of $3.2 billion." --Jay Leno

Saturday, May 5, 2007

#514

Late Night From 4/23

Part 2

"There was a prison riot in Indianapolis today. Over 35 former congressmen were involved." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, May 6, 2007

#515

Late Night From 4/23

Part 3

Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everything the president's done in the last six years has been part of his aggressive, yet practical strategy to to reduce greenhouse gas emissions [on screen: Fear Is A Renewable Resource]. Why do you think he okayed his domestic wiretapping program? So agents wouldn't have to waste gas driving around in surveillance vans [on screen: Or Waste Paper on Search Warrants]. The five million RNC e-mails that disappeared during the attorney general firing scandal will now never be printed out, saving thousands of trees [on screen: And Gonzales' job]. ... The president is getting the credit he deserves. He may not be solving global warming entirely ... but thanks to his policies, all over the world, America is getting a much chillier reception. And that's 'The Word'" --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted?" --Jay Leno

"Yahoo announced they're going to host the first ever online presidential debate. Why Yahoo? Why not on a eBay? Candidates end up going to the highest bidder anyway" --Jay Leno

Monday, May 7, 2007

#516

Late Night From 4/26

"Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney this week. Political pundits say Dennis Kucinich is that rare candidate capable of waging ... two hopeless campaigns at the same time." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, down in Washington, DC, it was Malaria Awareness Day. Here's the sad part ... a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush visited a school in New York City. Before his visit, the city filled in all the potholes near the school. Not only that, before the president's visit, the school hid all the sharp objects and covered the electric sockets with plastic protectors." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

#517

Late Night From 4/27

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq. ... Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet." --Bill Maher

"Bush is furious about this. He said, 'We have come this far, it is no time to get rational.'" --Bill Maher

"The other bombshell coming out this week is former CIA director George Tenet has a new book where he says there was no serious debate within the administration about going into Iraq. It will hit the stores on Monday, under the title 'No S**t.'" --Bill Maher

"They asked Dick Cheney today if he was going read the book. He said, 'Well, I never read anything before. Why should I start now?'" --Bill Maher

"Cheney was at the commencement at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City. There was protests ... at Brigham Young. You know you have credibility problems when even the Mormons won't buy your bulls**t." --Bill Maher

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

#518

Late Night from 4/28-30

Part 1

"The Wall Street Journal reports that a new Harris poll shows that President Bush's approval rating is at an all-time low of just 28%. In fact, it was so bad that today Alberto Gonzales said he's thinking about resigning ... just so he doesn't have to be seen standing with him"--Jay Leno

"Today is Arbor Day. Down at the White House, a confused President George W. Bush planted an Easter egg." --David Letterman

"Tomorrow Saddam Hussein would have been 70 years old. If you're looking for a gift, he could really use an air conditioner." --David Letterman

"The Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias, a 65-year-old married guy who for years was President Bush's person in charge of promoting abstinence, has resigned after he admitted he hired women from a Washington, D.C., escort service. He said he only used the women for massages. Oh, shut up. The big question is not if we believe him or even if President Bush believes him, but does Mrs. Tobias believe him?" --Jay Leno

"When the White House heard about this scandal, they were relieved. Finally, a Republican caught in a sex scandal with a woman." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the big sex scandal in Washington, D.C.? .. The politicians apparently visiting prostitutes. Actually, one girl was paid with a new dam in her home state." --David Letterman

Thursday, May 10, 2007

#519

Late Night From 5/1

Part 1

"The former CIA chief was on '60 Minutes' yesterday. George Tenet has a new book coming out. In this book, he criticizes the Bush administration's handling of the events leading up to the Iraq war. ... It's called 'Trying To Save My Own Ass.'" --Jay Leno

"Former CIA director George Tenet has written a tell-all book. President Bush has not read the book yet. Well, boy, there's a surprise." --David Letterman

"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman

"President Bush still uses the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. About once a month, he'll hang it up in the bedroom." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about the Washington, D.C., madam? She was running a call girl operation, and they think a lot of congressmen and senators and high ranking politicians were visiting the prostitutes. It's just crazy. One girl actually got paid with a new highway project." --David Letterman

"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno

"Randall Tobias, who is the deputy secretary of state, resigned after it was revealed he used this woman's services. Tobias, who was married, just claimed he just had a massage and did not have sex. Apparently, he can forget getting either one of those at home ever again." --Jay Leno

Friday, May 11, 2007

#520

Late Night From 5/1

Part 2

"Tobias was the guy who Bush put in charge of promoting abstinence ... and chastity in places like the Mideast. He was also the CEO of the company that makes Cialis. ... So, it sounds like he was caught between Iraq and a hard place" --Jay Leno

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno

"This week, all the Republican candidates will be coming to California ... to debate each other at the Reagan Library. The winner will then be selected by Exxon-Mobil." --Jay Leno

"To comply with the bank's conflict of interest policy, Wolfowitz had Riza transferred to the State Department, given a $60,000 raise, a promotion, and guaranteed positive performance reviews ... to avoid conflict of interest. What's next? Bombing the s**t out of a country in order to help it?"--Jon Stewart

"The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 12, 2007

#521

Late Night From 5/1

Part 2

There's a big scandal going on down in Washington, DC, with a prostitution ring. ... Politicians were actually paying for sex. One girl got paid with a military base in her home state." --David Letterman

"This ring of prostitutes apparently had a very elite group of clients. In fact, one girl was sent over to the Lincoln Memorial to give Abe a lap dance." --David Letterman

"President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable." --David Letterman

"You all know who Nancy Pelosi is, right? She's the second most powerful woman in the country, right behind the D.C. madam." --Jay Leno

"The Washington, D.C., madam has threatened to release more names of Washington politicians who were her customers. ... She says another member of the White House will be named very soon. This proves once again that members of the Bush administration don't know when it's time to pull out." --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 13, 2007

#522

Late Night From 5/2

Part 2

"Today is May 2. Or, as President Bush calls it, Veto de Mayo Day." --Jay Leno

"President Bush vetoed Congress' Iraqi bill, so the two branches of government are now battling. This is why President Bush wanted a monarchy ... so we wouldn't have these kinds of problems." --Jay Leno

"We begin tonight with news about the news. The fourth estate has had a rough ride of late, covering the stalemate over the war funding bill, the possible influence and peddling at the Department of Justice, some World Bank thingy. It makes the brain hurt. Well, help is on the way [on screen: reporters saying the D.C. madam story is fun to cover]. Oh yeah, sex scandal baby! Happy days are here. It's like we got our pre-9/11 boners back. ... The first casualty was Randall Tobias, a deputy secretary of state who resigned last week after admitting to using the escort service. ... Tobias had been running the Bush administration's Global AIDS Prevention program, which emphasized abstinence ... because there is nothing the administration can do that is not ironic" --Jon Stewart

"I'd rather not hear about Vietnam, but the cut-and-runners won't stop comparing it to Iraq. Just listen to former Senator Max Cleland from last Friday's 'Situation Room' [on screen: Cleland saying, 'The essence of what we're seeing in Iraq is what we saw in Vietnam']. How can he compare these two wars? He only fought in one of them. Whereas people like me and the president didn't fight in either, so we have a consistent perspective" --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush taped a message for American Idol last night. Bush opposes the plan to pull two contestants out. He says it could cause chaos in the region and actually prefers sending more contestants in." --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, May 14, 2007

#523

Late Night From 5/3

Part 1

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"Right now, Washington, DC, is in the grips and throws of a big prostitution ring sex scandal. High-powered politicians going to visit prostitutes. The call girl agency had a slogan. The slogan was 'We take care of you below the beltway'" --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the big Republican debate. Ten white guys. ... It looked like a meeting of the Hair Club for Men. GOP stands for Gray, Old and Pale." --Jay Leno

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The DC madam says that when she's releasing these names, she's not doing it for political reasons. She says she does not have a political bone in her body. At least not today." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

#524

Late Night From 5/3-4

Part 2

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal?" --Jon Stewart

The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library."--Conan O'Brien

"The people who want his job were in Simi Valley last night for the big first Republican debate. Ten of them got on the stage. ... Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, 'Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.' Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. ... McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it." --Bill Maher

"Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo -- those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns." --Bill Maher

"The candidates came prepared. Rudy Giuliani, of course, brought his energy; McCain brought his experience; Mitt Romney brought his charm; Mike Huckabee brought his name tag." --Jay Leno, on the Republican debate

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

#525

Late Night from 5/7

Part 1

"The Queen of England is in the United States. ... Earlier today, she was down at the White House. And George Bush, by gosh, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets confused and he went up to the Queen and congratulated her on her Academy Award." --David Letterman

"The last time the Queen of England was in the United States was 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Back then, President Bush was fighting a war in Iraq" --David Letterman

"Queen Elizabeth met with President Bush over the weekend. I thought this was nice of President Bush. ... He took the time to learn a little bit of English so he could speak with her." --Jay Leno

"The Queen was welcomed with a 21-gun salute. Well, 22 if you count Cheney's gun, which went off accidentally" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when Bush called her 'Queen Elizabeth the Sequel.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A week after the first Democratic presidential debate, last Thursday was the Republicans turn at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California. ... This debate aimed to introduce the candidates to the Republican base, or as they're otherwise known, the 28% of Americans who think the last six years have been okay. The night's biggest star was Ronald Reagan himself, whose name was evoked no less than 21 times almost 20 years since he left Washington. Compared to our current president, whose name was evoked uh, uh, uh once." Jon Stewart

Thursday, May 17, 2007

#526

Late Night From 5/7

Part 2

"Let's go to the meat and potatoes. How do the candidates respond to a contentious, complex issue? [on screen: candidates being asked if they don't believe in evolution]. In case you missed it, raising their hands were Sam Brownback, Tom Tancredo, and Mike Huckabee. They will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"Nation, we did it again. This past Sunday, the French people went to the polls and elected conservative, pro-American candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as their new president. ... Just how American is he? He's allowed himself to be photographed with George W. Bush, which means he's more American than many of our presidential candidates." --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of elections, last week Republicans held their first presidential debate. ... All the big candidates were there. McCain, Romney, Giuliani, Brownback, Huckabee ... and five other candidates who demonstrated the Republican Party's diversity. All the colors of the rainbow from eggshell to ivory." --Stephen Colbert

"When reporters of the Associated Press recently asked some of presidential candidates what their favorite reality shows were, Mitt Romney said 'American Idol.' Joe Biden said he didn't have a favorite show. And surprisingly, Rudy Giuliani picked 'Wife Swap.'" --Jay Leno

"How many of you watched the Republican debate last week? ... There were ten candidates. Ten. You know what you call that many Republicans in one room? A board meeting." --Jay Leno

"ABC had their big expose on Friday on '20/20' about the DC madam. That turned out to be nothing. They didn't name any names. The DC madam said a lot of the hookers who worked for her were in their late 50s. She said they were the most popular ones ... especially when the Rolling Stones are in town." --Jay Leno

Friday, May 18, 2007

#527

Late Night From 5/8

Part 1

"The British press is angry. They're claiming that President Bush disrespected the queen because he accidentally suggested she was over 200 years old and then winked at her. ... When President Bush noticed the queen was annoyed, he said, 'Shake it off,' and slapped her ass." --Conan O'Brien

"There was a big hubbub in Great Britain because President Bush winked at the queen. I'm pretty sure that was the first time the queen's ever been winked at. As you can see, she absolutely loved it [on screen: Queen Elizabeth looking stern]. In the old days, that's the look queens gave before you were beheaded." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night at the White House, Queen Elizabeth was there and she met Barbara Bush. Queen Elizabeth and Barbara Bush. I think it was 'Old Bag Night'" --David Letterman

"Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II has been touring the new world. Yesterday, popping by the White House. ... Mr. President, it's all going very well so far. Perhaps you'd like to offer some remarks? [on screen: Bush saying, 'You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17, in 1976']. She's old. [on screen: Bush saying, 'She gave me a look that only a mother could give a child']. She did give that look. Only in this case, the mother is the Queen of England and the child is our president." --Jon Stewart

"This week, former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for the New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for number 9-Down is 'Synonym for pain in the ass rhyming with Millary.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a commencement speech over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told students they should all get married. But he said, 'Not like Giuliani. Don't go overboard'" --Jay Leno

"How much are you folks paying for gas? Get ready. ... It could be $4 a gallon this summer. It's all part of President Bush's 'No Oil Company Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

Saturday, May 19, 2007

#528

Late Night From 5/8

Part 2

"As for the president, wherever he went with the queen, he proved one thing: she makes him very uncomfortable. You get the sense he's afraid if he does something wrong, she's going to take America back" --Jon Stewart

"Queen Elizabeth wrapped up her tour of the United States. She's on her way back to England right now. Her visit ended as it began, with her being stripped searched at the airport." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she'd be on the throne for over 50 years, and Bush said, 'Try Metamucil.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a couple of gaffes around the queen the other day. He meant to say the queen visited the White House in 1976. Instead, he said 1776. Then he made another huge gaffe when he asked how old her son-in-law Camilla was." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great. The one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn't bring it." --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 20, 2007

#529

Late Night From 5/9

Part 1

The price of oil fell to $1.26 a barrel. It went down. In fact, that's why Cheney is in the Mideast ... to find out what went wrong." --Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is going to prison. Paris Hilton's fans have contacted Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton. The reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney is on his tour of the Middle East. Over there, he's very popular. He's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'" --David Letterman

Earlier this week, President Bush hosted a state dinner in Queen Elizabeth's honor. Guests included Trent Lott, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View' and the winning jockey from the Kentucky Derby. Which explains why the Queen was overheard saying, 'This party bites the big one.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular that the parliament has voted to take away his powers and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That lucky bastard'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, May 21, 2007

#530

Late Night From 5/9

Part 2

"Most of the city of Los Angeles burned downed yesterday. There was a huge brush fire. ... Hundreds of acres burned. It started yesterday and is still going on. You would think our governor would use his freeze breath to stop this, but he sits there in Sacramento and does nothing." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart

"As always, Dick Cheney was forthright and honest [on screen: Cheney saying there are still serious security problems and threats in Iraq]. Security problems? No. Bonnaroo still has some security problems. Iraq's got clusterf---ry. ... But will the Iraqi government address this security issue [on screen: Cheney saying, 'We hope they will approach these issues with all deliberate dispatch, if I can put it into those terms']. Deliberate dispatch? Yes, you could put it in those terms ... if you were talking to a group of Victorian newspapermen" --Jon Stewart

"Last week, a devastating tornado hit the Midwest. Our hearts go out to the people of Kansas. And just as their lives were getting back to normal, Kansas was hit by an even big disaster ... the behavior of their Governor Kathleen Sebelius. On Monday, Governor Sebelius complained that help for Kansas was slowed because so much of the National Guard equipment is in Iraq. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow sympathized, saying, 'If you don't request it, you're not going to get it.' How is the White House supposed to know a town was wiped out? They're not meteorologists." --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

#531

Late Night From 5/10

Part 1

Prime Minister Tony Blair of England just announced that he will step down next month, which means that President Bush is going to lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, 'Now, the only foreign leader I can trust is >Arnold Schwarzenegger.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his 'Plan B' is if the current Iraq plan doesn't work. The 'Plan B' discussion was difficult for Bush, because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable -- Iraq and the alphabet." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed that he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Despite all those miles, the Suburban still has a much better chance of making it to the '08 election than Duncan Hunter." --Conan O'Brien

"An employee at Circuit City busted up a terrorist ring. Well, no wonder I can never get a salesman to help me pick out an answering machine. They're out chasing al Qaeda guys. ... This guy's pretty good. Not only did he bust up the terror ring, he also sold them a bunch of crap they didn't need" --David Letterman

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

#532

Late Night from 5/10

Part 2

"Paris Hilton sentenced to 45 days in jail. She actually sent a petition to Governor Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon her. Isn't that amazing? She knew who the governor was." --Jay Leno

"20% of teenagers say they would like to grow up and be president of the United States. ... So kids, remember, if you don't study and all you do is party, it could happen for you" --Jay Leno

"On both sides of the aisle, everyone agrees the Iraq situation has to change and fast. ... With all the uncertainty, it really does make you start to wonder what is victory in Iraq? [on screen: Bush saying, 'Victory in Iraq is a country that can sustain itself, govern itself and defend itself']. Really? Half the nations in the 'coalition of the willing' can't do that. Seriously, I'm looking at you, Marshall Islands." --Jon Stewart

"So then we're all clear on what constitutes success? There's no challenges there? ... [on screen: Bush saying that victory means 'relative peace' in Iraq]. You can't have zero car bombings because a successful Iraq would just have too many cars. I mean, some of them are just bound to explode. ... So, that's relative peace. So, that's success, right? [on screen: Bush saying, 'Success is not no violence.']. Success is not no violence? Coincidentally, also the lowest selling motivational poster ever" --Jon Stewart

Thursday, May 24, 2007

#533

Late Night From 5/11-12

Part 1

Tony Blair, prime minister of England, is stepping down. He said he wanted to spend more time humping Bush's leg. ... He said he hopes people remember him as the people's poodle." --Bill Maher

"They didn't have the heart to tell Bush. They didn't say Blair was gone. They just said he went to live on a farm." --Bill Maher

"Apparently, we may have foiled a terrorist attack right here in America. Six bozos were going to attack the army base at Fort Dix, New Jersey. But Bush outsmarted them ... because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq." --Bill Maher

"You know who went to Iraq this week? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney made a surprise visit -- like there's any other kind you can make there. No agenda. He just went on a not listening tour." --Bill Maher

"There's a DC madam. She's got a little black book. Apparently, Dick Cheney's undisclosed location may have been in her little black book. The vice president's office has vigorously denied that he had ever had anything to do with giving a human being pleasure" --Bill Maher

Friday, May 25, 2007

#534

Late Night From 5/11-12

Part 2

During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Myers

"Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney told '60 Minutes' this week that he can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy ... except having only one wife." --Seth Myers

"A 75-year-old retired nurse has become the first black woman to reach the North Pole, in what has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet" --Seth Myers

"On Monday, President Bush held his first-ever white tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum tie dinner for when Spiderman visits." --Amy Poehler

"While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, Vice President Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hardships from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane and left." --Amy Poehler

"When told that Prime Minister Tony Blair was stepping down as Britain's leader, a confused President Bush said, 'Hey, wait a minute. If he's the leader of England, who was that old lady with the crown who was just here?'" --Jay Leno

Saturday, May 26, 2007

#535

Late Night From 5/11-12

Part 3

The president said today he would go along with Congress' request to establish benchmarks regarding Iraq. For example, the Iraqi government would have to show results by certain dates before they are given any more money. Forget Iraq. Why don't we try that here?" --Jay Leno

"It's like our darkest nightmare. Paris Hilton is going to prison. But, on the other hand, President Bush says it's proof that we're winning the war against celebutants" --David Letterman

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's a shame. He's the only world leader who took the time to learn English.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Senator John McCain says the last music he bought was the Beach Boys, while Mitt Romney says the last music he bought was Roy Orbison. Apparently, McCain and Romney are both running for president in 1964"--Conan O'Brien

"According to a new State Department report, the number of terrorist attacks in Iraq jumped 91% from 2005 to 2006, many of the attacks planned and executed by al-Qaeda, and several of those attacks using deadly chlorine gas. That's right people: Iraq and al-Qaeda, working together with weapons of mass destruction... finally Iraq has become the country we thought it was when we invaded." --Jon Stewart

Sunday, May 27, 2007

#536

Late Night From 5/14

"This weekend in Virginia, President Bush attended some big event. He got up at one point on the spur of the moment and conducted a 400-piece orchestra. ... Apparently, it was the first time a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush introduced plans to cut the nation's addiction to oil. Dick Cheney, who's been on a trip to the Middle East, said, 'I can't leave that guy for two minutes. He does something stupid like this.'" --Jay Leno

"New York City is hosting a four-day global warming summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it." --David Letterman

"A group that researches ancestry announced that President Bush is a descendant of Pocahontas. Native Americans were furious. They said, 'Great. First you take our land and now you blame us for President Bush.'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, May 28, 2007

#537

Late Night From 5/15

Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton did a video for his wife Hillary's presidential campaign. Although Hillary was a little upset about it, because it turns out Bill did the video with Paris Hilton." --Jay Leno

"Plans are in the works for another terminator movie, 'Terminator 4,' but Arnold Schwarzenegger will not return as the terminator. I guess they finally realized that a hi-tech robot from the future should be able to speak a little better English than that." --Jay Leno

"I'm happy to report that Vice President Dick Cheney has returned from the Middle East. And he certainly straightened that mess out. ... He made a stop in Egypt, as a matter of fact, on the way home. Apparently, Halliburton wants to rebuild the pyramids." --David Letterman

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

#538

Late Night From 5/16

Part 1

"Last night, Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in." --Conan O'Brien

"During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president" --Conan O'Brien

"The Reverend Jerry Falwell passed away yesterday. He was the founder of the Moral Majority. He's very influential in politics. Many people didn't like him at all, but a lot of people did like him. I think the words of this young man who goes to the college he founded, Liberty University, teaches us something. ... [on screen: Liberty student saying, 'Dr. Falwell would come up to you and punch you. He was just that kind of person']. He was a wonderfully, wonderfully violent man. Somewhere up there, I have to believe he's beating the crap out of St. Peter." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, they had another Republican presidential debate. ... Did you see those Republican candidates? They looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie." --David Letterman

"There are rumors coming out of Washington that when Vice President Dick Cheney was CEO of Halliburton, he used to go visit prostitutes. This could explain why one girl was paid $2 billion." --David Letterman

"Cheney going to a prostitute? I can't believe a good-looking guy like that would ever have to pay for sex" --David Letterman

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

#539

Late Night from 5/16

Part 2

"Last night was the second Republican debate. Right now, how many people are going ... The 10 Republican presidential candidates held the debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don't make predictions. I don't go out on a limb and say who I'm for, but I'm pretty confident in saying the debate was won by the rich white guy." --Jay Leno

"They all answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer on his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you?'" --Jay Leno

"Last night marked the second Republican debate. And the main difference this time? [on screen: Fox News Channel's Brit Hume saying the debate is being sponsored by Fox News and the SC GOP]. Isn't that redundant?" --Jon Stewart

"As an aristocrat from Massachusetts -- we all know how that works out -- Mitt Romney has to go the extra mile to convince the base he's real. Watch closely as he fails [on screen: Romney saying that Massachusetts is as blue as a dark blue suit]. Mitt, if you're attempting to portray yourself as one of those rugged, salt-of-the-earth, hard-nosed conservative types, you might want to go with a metaphor from the world of sports, and not, say, from the world of haberdashery." --Jon Stewart

"Other frontrunners tried to turn a blue background into a red bona fide [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'According to George Will, I ran the most conservative government in the last 50 years in New York City']. Wow. You ran the most conservative government in 50 years in New York City? Congratulations on being the thinnest guy at fat camp" --Jon Stewart

"A lot of people criticize Rudy Giuliani for using the memory of 9/11 in his presidential campaign, that it gives him an unfair advantage. For instance, last night, he didn't even have to finish a sentence about 9/11 to get thunderous applause. ... Without question, it was devastating to be the mayor of New York City on September 11th. Most people wouldn't turn such an awful experience into a political asset [on screen: Without Help Of Karl Rove]. --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, May 31, 2007

#540

Late Night From 5/17

Part 1

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble. He promoted his girlfriend and gave her a job at the Bank. That's big news. A Republican forced out over a sex scandal involving ... a woman?!" --Jay Leno

"That's the difference between Democrats and Republicans right there. If you're a Democrat and you work on Wall Street, then you've got some explaining to do. If you're a Republican, you got the nomination." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that he is willing to be the last man standing in support of the war. I think he already is." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Texas think you need a course on how to keep a marriage together. Who's going to teach it? Rudy Giuliani? Newt Gingrich?" --Jay Leno

"The White House and key members from both houses of Congress have come to an agreement on an immigration bill. Now people from Mexico can finally come to this country and no longer go through all that red tape." --Jay Leno

Friday, June 1, 2007

#541

Late Night From 5/18-19

Part 1

"Under this new immigration deal, illegal aliens can become legal by paying a fine of $5,000. Where are they going to get that? The only aliens who can afford that are starting for the Yankees." --Jay Leno

"Here's news from Washington, DC: We now have a new war czar. Yes, he was appointed by President Bush, so what could go wrong?" --David Letterman

"Today at the White House, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. In other words, it was the last time they played Christopher Robin and Pooh." --Conan O'Brien

"The 12 million people who are here illegally are going to have to go back home to their home countries, touch base, pay a $5,000 fine and then reapply. Also, you have to prove you've never broken the law here or you can't get back in. So, Alberto Gonzales is really screwed." --Bill Maher

"The liberals are saying that this guest worker program ... is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labor. To which the president said, 'And the problem is?'" --Bill Maher

Saturday, June 2, 2007

#542

Late Night From 5/18-19

Part 2

"I don't blame the president. He doesn't really understand, first of all, what amnesty means. He thinks amnesty is what happens on soap operas when people wake up and they can't remember anything." --Bill Maher

"I kid the president. What a week he had. It was a bittersweet moment. He was in the Rose Garden for the last time with his long-time lover Tony Blair. As you know, Tony Blair is stepping down as prime minister and made his final visit to the U.S. There they were in the Rose Garden defending together their decision to go to war in Iraq. Dick Cheney had to be restrained, because usually when he sees two lame ducks, you know." --Bill Maher

"The man who is described often as the architect of the Iraq war, Paul Wolfowitz, who went on to be the head of the World Bank, is finally stepping down. Leave it to the Bush people to find the one Jew who can't run a bank." --Bill Maher

"The people who were trying to get him out had to agree to say that he was not guilty of doing any wrongdoing. That was very important to Wolfowitz because he does not want anything to tarnish his reputation as the architect of the Iraq war." --Bill Maher

"This is my favorite time of year 'cause this is when the networks announce their new s----y shows for the fall. NBC is bringing back the 'Bionic Woman,' which is about a woman who is half-human, half robot and everybody loves her. The people over at the Hillary campaign ... this is a good omen for them." --Bill Maher

"Over at Fox, they're bringing a show ... about a post-Katrina New Orleans. ... George Bush said he plans to ignore it at first and then tune in later." --Bill Maher

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

Sunday, June 3, 2007

#543

Late Night From 5/18-9

Part 3

"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler

"A new bird called the gorgeted puffleg, which is a blue-and-green-throated hummingbird species, was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia. Though still nothing on bin Laden" --Amy Poehler

"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno

"It's Friday, which means Rudy Giuliani is pro-choice again. ... Actually, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one." --Jay Leno

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble for promoting his girlfriend and then giving her a huge raise. This is a worse tragedy for the girl ... because now it means she slept with him for nothing" --Jay Leno

"Do you know the story of Shrek? Shrek is a beastly ogre ... and he marries into a family of royalty. Then, eventually, he goes on to become governor of California." --David Letterman

Monday, June 4, 2007

#544

Late Night From 5/21

Part 1

"Carter actually said George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said, 'No, that's not true.' He said he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C-minus in history." --Jay Leno

"Under President Bush, sure, we have the war in Iraq. But the young kids don't remember. Under President Carter, we had something far worse -- disco." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates have made their financial disclosures. Mitt Romney appears to be the richest Republican, worth about $250 million. To which Rudy Giuliani said, 'I would have been worth that much if I just had one wife too.'" --Jay Leno

"SenatorJohn McCain and Texas Senator John Cornyn recently got into a heated match, yelling at each other over the details of this new immigration bill. ... Ironically, you know how it ended? A Mexican standoff." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

#545

Late Night From 5/21

Part 2

"President Bush said today we need to find a middle ground on immigration. We already have a middle ground on immigration. It's called Texas, Arizona, Southern California." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey in Money Magazine, six percent of Americans said they would be willing to sleep with their boss if it would help their career. When he heard about it, the head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, said, 'I need names. I need phone numbers.'" --Jay Leno

"Last week, Tony Blair paid his final visit to the White House in preparation for his departure from the British stage, signaling the end of famed celebrity power couple 'Primesident Blush.' ... This is one of those strange break-ups where the parents want to stay together and the children are begging them to split. And does no one want custody of poor little Iraq? It was all fodder for the prime minister's final sleepover visit, which consisted of meetings, a formal dinner, and, as always, some late night PlayStation. ... So, there it is. The end of an era. I'm sorry, I misspoke. A huge, seemingly endless series of errors" --Jon Stewart

"Big news about the '08 presidential election. Florida just announced it has moved up its primary to January 29th. This will give Florida voters a chance to get to the polls earlier and cast their votes for Herbert Hoover." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Congress is considering issuing a no-confidence resolution concerning Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'You know, that's not going to help his confidence.'" --Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

#546

Late Night from 5/22

"Experts said this is going to be a very busy hurricane season. To which FEMA said, 'Not for us'" --Jay Leno

"Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally will have to pay a $5,000 fine, then the head of the household will make a touch-back trip to their home country, at which point they can apply for Z visas ... or one can apply for a probationary card ... or you can get a guest-worker Y visa. ... Of course, you understand all of that because you're an illegal alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in fear of deportation" --Jon Stewart, on the immigration reform bill

"Yesterday at his ranch in Texas, President Bush hosted the leader of NATO. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'Maybe some day I could visit you in Natonia.'" --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, June 7, 2007

#547

Late Night From 5/23

"Today President Bush lashed back at Jimmy Carter saying, 'Hey, if it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be that many poor people for you to build houses for.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush was caught driving his truck without a seatbelt on at his ranch, but that's not even the dangerous part, the dangerous part is Dick Cheney was riding shotgun." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth, and get paid for it." --Jay Leno

"In a related story, President Bush gives his wife, Laura, $5,000 a month to teach him how to pronounce some of the bigger words in his speeches. ... I'm very happy. I checked today and under the new immigration bill, we can keep Arnold as our governor" --Jay Leno

"Iraqi President Jalal Talabani has come to the United States and checked into a weight loss clinic because he's dangerously obese. ... A spokesperson for the clinic said, 'You can't blame the leader of Iraq for eating every meal like it's his last.'" --Conan O'Brien

Friday, June 8, 2007

#548

Late Night From 5/24

"Congratulations to ... Rudy Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"Monica Goodling. ... Here she is swearing in on the Bible, which is kind of redundant for a graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School and a place called Messiah College, which everyone in the God business knows is a -- savior school! [on screen: Goodling saying, 'I respectfully decline to answer the question based upon my fifth amendment right not to be a witness against myself and my sixth amendment right to rely on my counsel's advice'] -- and my Seventh Amendment right not to understand what 'being granted immunity' means, even though I'm a lawyer in the Justice Department. ... Listening to their testimony, it's like the entire Department of Justice is taking a sh*t inside my head! What are you doing?! If it wasn't McNulty, Goodling, Sampson, Gonzales or O.J., then this list must have -- I know how this happened, this was a miracle virgin firing. An immaculate termination." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, June 9, 2007

#549

Late Night From 5/25

"At a press conference somebody finally stood up to Bush ... a bird sh*t on him. Here's what is wrong with this man: he looked at it, and then wiped it off with his bare hand! And this is the guy who doubts that he descended from an ape." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter gave birth this week. Apparently this little baby has the Cheney attitude. The doctor spanked it and it said 'Go f*ck yourself." --Bill Maher

"Yesterday, at a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. Apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving other birds." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress just passed a law against gas station price-gauging. You know how you can tell if a gas station is price gauging? If the sign says 'Open.'" --Jay Leno

"The third largest company for daily oil production is in Mexico. See, this is how we break this immigration deadlock, make everyone sneaking across the border carry just one barrel of oil." --Jay Leno

Sunday, June 10, 2007

#550

Late Night From 6/4

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him ... and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were." --Jay Leno

"How about that thing over the weekend? The authorities busted that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. ... Here's the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this ... were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is off to Europe for the big G8 Summit ... and his approval rating is very low. Right now, he's less popular than that tuberculosis guy."  --David Letterman

"President Bush is in the Czech Republic right now, and today he met with Czech Republic Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek. Or, as Bush likes to call him, 'Hey, slugger.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on 'Larry King Live.' When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, June 11, 2007

#551

Late Night From 6/5

Part 1

"Earlier today, a federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, a Republican presidential debate was held in New Hampshire. ... You know that you're not the party of diversity when even people in New Hampshire are saying, 'Man, those guys are white.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The third Republican presidential primary debate was in New Hampshire tonight. This is a very important debate ... because the election is only one year, four months, three weeks and six days away. There are 10 Republican candidates. ... There are now, I think, more Republican candidates than there are Republican voters remaining." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Scooter Libby, former aid to Vice President Cheney, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, 'I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is going to the hoosegow for outing Valerie Plame as a CIA agent. Scooter Libby's getting a 30-month sentence and a $250,000 fine and, of course, an opportunity to discover Islam." --Jon Stewart

"Some speculate President Bush will pardon Libby right before he serves jail time, while others ... know he will." --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

#552

Late Night From 6/5

Part 2

"This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that's when you know things are bad ... when the Germans think you're invading too many countries." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today the surge policy is working. In fact, gas prices have surged almost $4 a minute." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former Senator Fred Thompson, who left the TV show 'Law & Order,' has yet to announce he's running for president but he's already third in the polls among Republicans. Isn't that amazing? He leaves NBC, and his ratings automatically go up." --Jay Leno

"The statistics are out and New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. I'll tell you why. It's because of New York City Mayor ... Bloomberg's new $50 fine for murder" --David Letterman

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

#553

Late Night from 6/6

Part 1

"They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys." --Jay Leno

"So nobody saw the Republican debate last night? There haven't been that many white people on TV since NBC canceled 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno

"Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. ... President Bush is there. See, I don't think President Bush really understands the G8. ... Every time someone says G8, he yells out, 'Bingo.'" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison ... even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma" --Jay Leno

Thursday, June 14, 2007

#554

Late Night From 6/6

Part 2

Last night in Manchester, New Hampshire, the 10 Republican candidates prepared to take the stage for their party's third 2008 presidential debate ... of 2007. ... This debate wasn't about policy discrepancies. It's about America and the imminent death of its people if one of these people isn't elected [on screen: John McCain calling the war 'a transcendent struggle between good and evil']. A transcendent struggle between good and evil? They're going to pull out all the stops. There is nothing that they would not do to win and fight this war [on screen: GOPers unanimously opposing openly gay soldiers]. ... Apparently, the only thing worse for these candidates than another terrorist attack would be a gay hero stopping it. ... I don't want to say anything, but there are 10 candidates on that stage and the law of averages says one of these guys is a little Barney in the Franks." --Jon Stewart

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning triking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'"

"The 2008 election campaign is just flying by. It is hard to believe that there are just 517 more days before Fred Thompson has to make up his mind. Last night was the third Republican debate and the sparks were flying. Unfortunately, the taser was pointed at the president's groin [on screen: Tommy Thompson saying he would not send Pres. Bush to the UN when asked how he would use Bush in his admin.]. Haha. Good one, Thompson. I got another good one for you -- what's the difference between Tommy Thompson and Benedict Arnold? Benedict Arnold's parents spent more than 10 seconds coming up with his name." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is in Europe right now for the G8 Summit this week. At one point, protesters got so out of hand that police used a water cannon on them. Then President Bush did his part by pulling out his super soaker." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in New Hampshire, all 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Experts say it was like many of history's classic debates, except with eight extra people." --Conan O'Brien

Friday, June 15, 2007

#555

Late Night From 6/7

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, President Bush had a meeting with rockstar Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band 'YouTube.'" --Conan O'Brien

 "Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit

"How low were the expectations for the meeting? This New York Times headline declares it a breakthrough that the president agreed cutting greenhouse gases in half as something the U.S. will 'seriously consider' by 2050. Of course, by then, we'll all also have to take into account the votes of the Gill People. Obviously, they'll probably go with whoever offers them the most krill." --Jon Stewart,

"Oh, and there was one other issue at the G8 [on screen: newscasters talking about the possibility of a new Cold War with Russia]. Bush v. Putin. It's on. ... Late today, Putin offered a compromise ... that the U.S. locate its missile shield not in Eastern Europe, but in the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. A proposal Bush said he would study. And by 'study,' he meant 'find Azerbaijan'" --Jon Stewart

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks. They won the Stanley Cup Championship. I believe this is the biggest victory for ducks since Dick Cheney shot that lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

Saturday, June 16, 2007

#556

Late Night From 6/8

"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment ... when he asked the pope, 'Hey, how's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman

"President Bush is overseas visiting Poland. He's looking for kielbasa of mass destruction. ... And tomorrow, the president is visiting the pope. That won't help." --David Letterman

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, June 17, 2007

#557

Late Night From 6/11

"This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, 'Look, a car!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush talked about his immigration bill and said, 'The political process is two steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.' Then he did it for 40 minutes." --Conan O'Brien

"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded." --Jon Stewart

"To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as 'the poor man's Kazakhstan.'" --Jon Stewart

"Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions" --Jon Stewart

"The meeting was notable for its informality and relaxed tone. Both men welcomed the opportunity to discuss their close relationships with God and their respective infallibility. Make no mistake, these men make no mistake. ... They spent a lot of time talking about the crushing poverty in Africa. They did that here in the Vatican's Solid Gold Room. ... Apparently, Bush referred to the Pope as 'sir' rather than 'your holiness.' And also as 'stretch' and the ... 'Popeinator'" --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

Monday, June 18, 2007

#558

Late Night From 6/11

Part 2

Sometimes it seems like Americans don't appreciate President Bush. He is currently at a 32% approval rating in this country. I assume the other 68% are undecided. We Americans sometimes forget there are people all over the world who don't even have a President Bush. But those who take him for granted ate a big slice of 'no-longer-taking-for-granted' pie this weekend, when our commander-in-chief made a visit to Albania. He got a hero's welcome, swarmed by mobs of adoring fans. He is so beloved, the gypsies actually put money in his pockets. ... And if you missed that footage this morning, just click over to Fox News. I believe they're running it on a loop." --Stephen Colbert

"A lot of people have asked, 'Why the big response'? Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002. They only just started listening to Nellie. It's still okay to wear those plastic butterfly clips in your hair. And 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' has just opened in theatres. Though, over there, it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece." --Stephen Colbert

"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

#559

Late Night From 6/11

Part 3

In a statement released by her lawyers, Paris Hilton ... said, 'I would hope that the ... media and the public would focus on the more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other place in the world.'Really? Oh, that sounds like Paris Hilton, doesn't it? Isn't this the same woman who had a hard time putting the two words 'that's hot' together? Suddenly she sounds like Condoleezza Rice. ... But you've got to give Paris Hilton credit. With all the issues dividing this country -- the war, the Patriot Act, immigration, the deficit -- there's one thing everybody agrees on ... she should be in jail." --Jay Leno

"President Bush got a hero's welcome this week in Albania. He was thrilled. He thought he was in Alabama. Go Crimson Tide" --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Rome ... and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope 'sir' instead of 'your holiness.' Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the 'Popester'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush finished up his big European trip. He visited with the Pope. They discussed world events, and then caught a matinee of 'Knocked Up.'" --David Letterman

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

#560

Late Night from 6/12

Part 1

"President Bush made a stop in Albania on Sunday. Unlike just about every other place he's ever been, they really like him there. They love him. They mobbed the president, and he ate it up. The only problem is that they may have also stolen his watch. ... Today the White House said the president's watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either ... Albanians stole the president's watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn't trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is back from his European tour. He became the first president ever to visit Albania. He got a hero's welcome. Although there was one awkward moment, when he told the crowd, 'I love the Albino people.'" --Jay Leno

"People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. ... In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he's a God. It's like that whole David Hasselhoff's a star in Germany. ... He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, 'The first step to the White House.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the L.A. Times ... Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He's second. He's popular with what they call the Republican base. He's considered a straight shooter. Don't confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can't shoot straight." --Jay Leno

Thursday, June 21, 2007

#561

Late Night From 6/12

Part 2

"Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. ... Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time." --David Letterman

"George Bush is traveling around Europe. ... A couple of days ago, he's touring through Albania and he's shaking hands with people and someone steals his wrist watch. ... The Secret Service jumped right on it and they turned in a description of the watch. Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow. It's all part of George Bush's 'No Pickpocket Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

"He then made a terrible mistake at the Vatican. President Bush referred to the Pope as 'sir' as opposed to 'his holiness.' I fire people for that" --David Letterman

"This week in the country of Albania, President George Bush was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds. Bush was overheard saying, 'I wonder who they're mixing me up with.'" --Conan O'Brien

"He's back in Washington now. ... Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly, the Republicans in attendance didn't care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it." --Conan O'Brien

"CBS News reports that the Pentagon once considered building a bomb filled with hormones that would turn enemy soldiers gay. ... Experts say the gay bomb would have meant battlefield victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards" --Conan O'Brien

Friday, June 22, 2007

#562

Late Night From 6/13

Part 1

"This just in: al Qaeda is claiming credit for the vague ending of 'The Sopranos.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. ... So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore." --David Letterman

"George Bush ... was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman

"Here's some broadcasting ugliness. ... Dan Rather, who used to host the 'Evening News' here at CBS, said this about Katie Couric, who is now hosting the 'CBS Evening News.' Dan Rather said ... she is tarting up the news. Dan followed that comment by saying, 'Bring me another whiskey sour.'" --David Letterman

Saturday, June 23, 2007

#563

Late Night From 6/13

Part 2

The country of Iran announced this week they're going to publish the writings and speeches of the Iranian president ... which, of course, answers the question 'What's the worst Hanukkah gift you could give someone?" --Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. ... Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since 'Rent' was made into a movie. ... They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay" --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Pope this weekend and he made a mistake, because instead of calling the Pope 'your holiness,' Bush called him 'sir.' Then, instead of kissing the Pope's ring, Bush went for a high five and said, 'Up top Popey.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, 'I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard'" --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, June 24, 2007

#564

Late Night From 6/14

Part 1

"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman

"I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well, Al Gore" --David Letterman

"On Tuesday, Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani released a slate of campaign pledges he calls the 'Twelve Commitments,' including sets of gems as 1. I will keep America on offense in the terrorists' war on us; 5. I will impose accountability on Washington; 8. I will survive; and 12. I will issue commitments in easily mockable list form." --Jon Stewart

"'Rudy's promises to America.' Yes, Rudolph Giuliani always keeps his promises, unless he makes them to you as you're marrying him" --Jon Stewart

"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno

"When asked what impact this gay bomb would have, the head of the Joint Chiefs said, 'Fabulous.'"

Monday, June 25, 2007

#565

Late Night From 6/14

Part 2

The Iranian Parliament has passed a bill that calls for the execution of Iranian porn stars. ... They said Iranian porn stars can be hung, which sounds redundant. ... And surprisingly, under Iranian law, they're not executing the porn stars for the sex, but for bad acting."

"Israel elected a new president -- 83-year-old Shimon Peres. Surprisingly, the deciding factor? The Jewish vote." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby is going to jail unless President Bush acts quickly. And the city of New Orleans says, 'Good luck with Bush acting quickly'" --Jay Leno

"One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I'm talking about gays in the military. The 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. ... We cannot waiver on this issues, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP WH '08ers raising their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney's baby was sleeping in the next room" --Stephen Colbert

"Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promised if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. So, sorry Scooter, you are going to jail." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

#566

Late Night From 6/15

Part 1

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach >Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

"Cheney is having an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno

"Iran's parliament has voted in favor of a bill that would give the death penalty to people convicted of making pornography. Under Iran's penal code, that's one of the worst criminal offensives they have. To give you an idea of how strict it is, you get 20 years just for saying the phrase 'penal code.'" --Jay Leno

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

#567

Late Night from 6/15-18

Part 2

This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

A judge has turned down Scooter Libby's request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having the stupid name 'Scooter.'" --Jay Leno

The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, 'cause they say they can't find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don't want to do." --Jay Leno

Thursday, June 28, 2007

#568

Late Night From 6/19

Part 1

The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, 'cause they say they can't find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don't want to do." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, 'I'm not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today -- this is why Congress has such a low approval rating -- 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it ... as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb." --Jay Leno

Friday, June 29, 2007

#569

Late Night From 6/19

"Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States' ... coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member." --Jon Stewart

"As always, the big question with a new operation ... what to call it? Obviously four years into the war, we've already used Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom, Together Forward, Iron Hammer, Warhorse Whirlwind, Bulldog Mammoth, Panther Squeeze, Red Dawn, Rock Slide, Rifles Fury, Centaur Rodeo. By the way, not only is every one of those a real operation, but each one of them also the title of a Fred Thompson movie" --Jon Stewart

"The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico ... Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, 'If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f them up'" --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, June 30, 2007

#570

Late Night From 6/21

Yesterday, President Bush vetoed another stem cell research bill. Bush says stem cell research goes against his religious beliefs. Mitt Romney agrees with him ... at least he did yesterday. I haven't checked Romney's position today." --Jay Leno

"You may have seen this on CNN. Video has been released from the Middle East of a suicide bomber graduation ceremony. 300 suicide bombers graduated, and they're all doing the same thing this summer -- backpacking across Europe" --Jay Leno

"For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept ... the 'Colbert Bump' is the curious phenomenon where by anyone who appears on this program gets a huge boost in popularity. ... Another lucky recipient of the 'Colbert Bump' is former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Before he came on the 'Report,' his presidential campaign was polling at 1%. After his appearance, he soared to 3%. That's a 300% increase after a two-and-a-half-minute interview. If he keeps up that pace between now and the election, he'll be the first candidate ever to get elected with 88,128,000% of the vote." --Stephen Colbert

"The American Medical Association says that addiction to video games is becoming such a big problem, they're thinking of declaring it an actual medical condition. The video game condition will be called 'chronic persistent virginity.'" --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, July 1, 2007

#571

Late Night From 6/22

For his campaign, John Edwards has chosen a theme song from 'Hair.' ... And Giuliani chose 'All My Exes Live In Texas.'" --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader talking about running again. The only thing that might stop him, of course, is age. Not his age, the age of his suit. He's been wearing that thing for 40 years." --Jay Leno

"Congress now has a 14% approval rating, the lowest in the history of poll taking. You know what that means? George Bush is now the popular guy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn't want to go, but his father couldn't get him out of this one." --Jay Leno

"They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, July 2, 2007

#572

Late Night From 6/25

Part 1

"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart

"CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart

John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander."

"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

#573

Late Night From 6/25

Part 2

On Friday, the space shuttle landed successfully here in California, and it made history. It marked the first time seven people landed here in one vehicle legally." --Jay Leno

"The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country." --Jay Leno

"CNN has video from the Middle East of a suicide bomber graduation ceremony. 300 suicide bombers graduated. You thought you hated it when your kid moved back home after graduation." --Jay Leno

"The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

#574

Late Night from 6/26

Part 1

We talked a little bit last night about Vice President 'Chinny,' how he is in fact not a member of the executive branch, that he is part VP, part legislator, part she-wolf. How else do you explain his eight teats. ... According to the Washington Post, which of the following safety precautions does the VP have in his office? Is it A) a motion sensing alarm, B) a rock shaped hide-a-key lovingly crafted from the bones of an enemy, or C) a man-sized safe? The answer, according to the Washington Post, Dick Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in his office for storing what his aides call 'work-day business.' Now, unless 'work-day business' includes needing some place large enough to stuff a body, why the vice president needs a man-sized safe is unclear. A document-sized safe, yes, I could understand that, unless of course he says, 'Hey Johnson, put the papers in the safe -- oh, and stay in there with them.'" --Jon Stewart

"In a 5-4 decision the court found against the student's speech rights, as the court felt that 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' constituted an implied pro-drug message. Said the student whose actions five years ago started the whole case quote, 'I did what, now?'" --Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, to Samantha Bee: "Now Justice Kennedy he voted with the conservatives all four times this time, but he's still seen as a swing vote, if he were to side with the liberals on a case then." Bee: "Yeah it would be five to five, that's correct." Stewart: "Uhhh, five to five, no that would be ten judges." Bee: "Yes but if Kennedy were to rule on the liberal, then Justice Cheney would cast the tie-breaking vote." Stewart: "You mean Justice Dick Cheney?" Bee: "Yes, the VP is not only in both and neither of the executive and legislative branches, he's also a member of the Supreme Court. Have you read the Constitution?"

Thursday, July 5, 2007

#575

Late Night From 6/26

Part 2

Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he'll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India." --Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend, the president kick-started the Holiday Season by pre-taping his appearance for ABC's Christmas Galleria. ... I believe the Constitution declares him the Christian in Chief. So to everyone who criticizes the president for not firing Alberto Gonzales, give him a break, you can't fire a guy at Christmas." --Stephen Colbert

"The Associated Press has reported that the Bush administration may close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. I know, it's like closing Mount Rushmore -- in that there's a secret prison inside Teddy Roosevelt's mouth. Ooops, I've compromised national security." --Stephen Colbert

Friday, July 6, 2007

#576

Late Night From 6/27

Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling" --Jay Leno

"This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties -- the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount." --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. He's been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore's spoiler was Ralph Nader. George Bush Sr.'s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry's spoiler was John Kerry." --Jay Leno

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair left office after 10 years today. President Bush was pretty upset. Although they told President Bush that Blair just went to live on a farm." --Jay Leno

Saturday, July 7, 2007

#577

Late Night From 6/27

Part 2

"Earlier this week President Bush took part in the taping of the Ford's Theatre gala that will air this December on ABC. It's a Christmas show and they tape it in June. It's always awkward taping six months in advance. For example, right now President Bush is still without a clear cut strategy for Iraq. But come December ... no, I guess we'll be okay." --Jay Leno

"Tonight we reveal another Dick-nugget with Part II of our classified number of parts series, 'You Don't Know Dick.' ... What did the vice president of the United States recently have removed? Is it A) blood clots in his legs -- by the way, the vice president's blood type: B-extremely negative. Did he have his tramp stamp removed? ... Or, C) himself from the visible world. Believe it or not, the answer is C. While the White House and the Capitol appear crystal clear on Google Earth, the Naval Observatory, the vice president's official residence, appears only as an obscured mass of pixels. That's a shrewd move on Cheney's part, aimed to protect him from evil-doers savvy enough to know how to use Google Earth but too dumb to realize they can still find him on MapQuest. " --Jon Stewart

Sunday, July 8, 2007

#578

Late Night From 6/28

Part 1

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld writing a book about the war in Iraq. To give you an idea of how accurate this book is, it never ends. It's 80,000 pages." --Jay Leno

"Big day in England. Former Treasury chief Gordon Brown is now the new prime minister of Britain. President Bush was thrilled. In fact, he called and said, 'Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night, Republicans and Democrats in the House voted themselves a $4,400 pay raise. Well, why not? A job well done. What are they at -- a 14% approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted down the immigration bill. When he heard about it, a disappointed President Bush said, 'No way, Jose!'" --Jay Leno

Monday, July 9, 2007

#579

Late Night From 6/28

Part 2

Yesterday on CNN, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa accidentally called Hillary Clinton Senator Kennedy. See, that's when you know you need to lose a few pounds before bikini season" --Jay Leno

"The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin." --Jay Leno

"How many folks saw Paris Hilton last night on the 'Larry King Live' program? ... The interview went pretty well. Larry only flatlined once. ... I think Larry's getting old. He kept calling her Charo. ... Paris said she hated prison. There's some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I've actually seen video of her doing that" --David Letterman

"[VP Dick Cheney] is the country's leader in the classification of sciences, as we'll learn once again in tonight's installment of 'You Don't Know Dick.' This is a good one. Dick Cheney invented his own top secret style logo that he often stamps on unclassified, internal documents. Is that stamp A) a pentagram, B) Hello Kitty, C) Treated as Secret/SCI. ... The answer is ... C. For some reason, Cheney actually invented his own fake classification 'Treated as Secret/SCI,' because apparently, the government's own classifications 'top secret' and 'classified' don't sound appropriately Blofeldian. The best part is Cheney uses the stamp on things like political talking points for staff members who are going to deal with reporters. In other words, stuff he wants the public to know. Which I'm not sure he understands is the opposite of secret. And that's tonight's 'You Don't Know Dick.' Why are we letting a crazy old person run our country? We're asking to be shot in the face." --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

#580

Late Night From 6/29

Part 1

"Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe." --Jay Leno

"Authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his cell phone. Luckily, the guy had Cingular so he couldn't get a signal." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed to pass.'" --Jay Leno

"It was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed so testy today. ... In fact, some illegal immigrants are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country." --Jay Leno

"The Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill. 10,000 calls ... all from Lou Dobbs." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

#581

Late Night from 6/29

Part 2

The other day at the Mexican/U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck, crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'No, that was wrong. We don't call them engines anymore. They're now Native Americans.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Bush family compound in Maine this week. They're going fishing and boating. The press is calling it the 'Lobster Summit.' Now, don't confuse that with Paris Hilton's upcoming weekend in Maui. That's called 'Crabfest.'" --Jay Leno

"Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon. $4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the dairy industry" --Jay Leno

"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, July 14, 2007

#584

Late Night From 7/9

It was so hot, the mayor of Los Angeles found out what his mistress would do for a Klondike Bar. ... That's the big story in Los Angeles. It seems our mayor is getting a divorce and is dating a local TV news anchor. To which Rudy Giuliani said, 'Hey, when I was mayor that was a slow week.'" --Jay Leno

"And Happy Birthday, President Bush. He turns 61 on Friday, but since he's president, he had his age commuted down to 59." --Jay Leno

"You know, this President Bush had commuted Scooter Libby because he felt that 30 months in jail for four felonies was way too harsh, so he reduced it a little back to nothing, zero. See, that's called the rich white guy reduction. See, that's 'cause his name's Scooter. There's not a lot of guys named Jamal gettin' that deal. Nah, Jamal is doin' 30 months for jaywalking." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told British reporters last week he wishes he was a better speaker -- at least that's what they think he said. They're not quite sure." --Jay Leno

[On the new Seven Wonders of the World]: "After seeing the list, President Bush asked, 'Hey, what about Space Mountain?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Analogies were my favorite part of the SATs. I feel like we should do some tonight. ... President George W. Bush last week shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence: President George W. Bush this week shocked many Americans by completing a sentence." --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, July 15, 2007

#585

Late Night From 7/10

Part 1

"Family values conservative Republican Senator from Louisiana David Vitter admitted he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently years ago this Senator Vitter guy had been seeing one of the DC Madam's escorts. You think the Senator's embarrassed? How about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician, eww." --Jay Leno

"But he says he's not going to talk about it out of respect for his wife, that's what he said today. It's all these guys getting caught with hookers, they have this newfound respect for their wife. Ya know something, when his pants were down around his ankles leaving the motel, I don't see him going 'you know, I love my wife.' Well you know what makes it especially hypocritical: apparently Vitter has been a strong opponent of same-sex marriage, but today he explained that too. Apparently he's against having sex with the person you're married to." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"And People magazine reports that contrary to popular belief, June is not the biggest month for weddings. I also thought it was. July is, July is the biggest month. In fact, do you know this: 70 percent of all Rudy Giuliani marriages are in July." --Jay Leno

Monday, July 16, 2007

#586

Late Night From 7/10

Part 2

"Boy, you folks here in the audience, you're here on a great night. Everybody in the theater tonight will have their sentence commuted by President Bush, congratulations." --David Letterman

"They have prostitutes in Washington D.C., and it now turns out that senators and congressmen and important, powerful people are dating the prostitutes. ... And there's a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted he's been dating prostitutes. And he was very generous with one girl, he paid her with a new highway project in her home state. ... One thing I'll say for this guy from Louisiana, this David Vitter, at least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush hosted a town meeting style event in Cleveland. ... During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq, and strategies for getting out of Cleveland." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

#587

Late Night From 7/11

Part 1

"Republican Senator and family values conservative -- that's what he calls himself -- Senator David Vitter of Louisiana admitted he was a client of the so called DC Madam in Washington. See, this is so wrong. At least use a hooker from your own state. I mean they're gonna pump money into the economy, make it your own." --Jay Leno

"Well now more problems with this Vitter guy. You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker." --Jay Leno

"And this madam says that Vitter was not only having sex with the prostitutes -- this is unbelievable -- he would also pay them to dress him up in a diaper. See, that's what you call a pampered politician. And she also said today in an interview that he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him because his wife didn't listen to him. Well, I bet she's all ears now." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

#588

Late Night from 7/11

Part 2

"Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said today that he had a gut feeling that there would be another terrorist attack this summer. ... Now is that reliable? How do we know it's not just bad clams? It's like, 'False alarm. It was Long John Silver, we're gonna be fine.'" --Jay Leno

"And Colin Powell said this week he once spent two and a half hours trying to talk President Bush out of going to war in Iraq. Well actually, the first hour and a half were spent trying to get Bush to put down the Gameboy." --Jay Leno

"Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush's popularity now plunged to 2% BC. You know what that means 'BC'? Below Carter. It doesn't get any worse than that. In fact, Bush's only supporters now are Laura and one of the twins." --Jay Leno

"Officials in Iran have announced that a man convicted of adultery there has been stoned to death. ... Imagine if they did that in Washington, they'd be out of stones like the first week." --Jay Leno

Thursday, July 19, 2007

#589

Late Night From 7/11

Part 3

There's another one of those prostitution scandals down there in Washington, DC. Louisiana Senator David Vitter admitted that he's been visiting Washington area prostitutes. And I thought about this, 'Whoa, wait a minute, a politician, paying for a hooker? I didn't see that comin.'" --David Letterman

"But good for Vitter, he said that it did not cost the taxpayers a cent. He pays for the hookers with his bribe money." --David Letterman

"A new poll finds that Dick Cheney has a 59% disapproval rating, which makes him the least popular vice president in history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney's wife and kids." --Conan O'Brien

"The pope announced that the Catholic Church provides the only true path to salvation and that other Christian groups are either defective or not true churches. Yeah, the pope finished by saying that 'God loves everyone, but he loves me more.'" --Conan O'Brien

Friday, July 20, 2007

#590

Late Night From 7/12

Part 1

"The darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him 'my dream guy! He's got my vote.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, Vitter put out a statement saying he only started to cheat on his wife after he started to hang out with the wrong crowd, you know -- Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, the mayor of L.A." --Jay Leno

"And listen to this, here's another bizarre one. A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno

"What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it's not young boys, it's diapers, some other strange fetish. Why can't they just have sex under a desk with an intern like a normal person." --Jay Leno

Saturday, July 21, 2007

#591

Late Night From 7/12

Part 2

"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman

"President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks ... required in Iraq. If things don't improve, people are going to think the war isn't going well." --David Letterman

"Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, July 22, 2007

#592

Late Night From 7/12

Part 3

"This week, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he is opposed to medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did said he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is odd, a politician in California wants to put an eight percent tax on all porn movies and X-rated entertainment. The politician says it could raise $100 million a year, and that's just from Arnold" --Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said this week he has a gut feeling we may get attacked by al Qaeda this summer. He also said he has a bad feeling about the new Catherine Zeta Jones movie 'No Reservations.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, July 23, 2007

#593

Late Night From 7/13

Part 1

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno

"The DC madam said he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him ... and they didn't have sex. Another example of government waste." --Jay Leno

"Here's just the creepiest part of the story: there are now reports that the senator paid prostitutes to dress him up in a diaper. He's not denying these allegations. He did poo-poo them though." --Jay Leno

"It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

#594

Late Night From 7/13

Part 2

According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno

"President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

#595

Late Night From 7/16

Part 1

"It was so hot, Mayor Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Coulter just to cool off. ... What does the mayor of Los Angeles have in common with President Bush? Apparently, neither of them have any plans to pull out soon. " --Jay Leno

"The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested ... for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released another new video. See, that shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as 'Harry Potter.' ... On this latest tape, bin Laden says, 'a happy man is one who dies for his religion.' Do you ever notice the one who is giving the advice is never the one blowing himself up?" --Jay Leno

"Sports Illustrated says that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is like a 'golf nut' now. She plays golf all the time. She went golfing with Cheney. Condoleezza shot an 83 and Cheney shot two attorneys and an accountant." --Jay Leno

Thursday, July 26, 2007

#596

Late Night From 7/16

Part 2

"The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. ... $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are -- Scooter Libby?" --Jay Leno

"Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Gilmore said he dropped out because, 'I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee'" --Conan O'Brien

"Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby's sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a 'fair and balanced' decision]. He's literally just using Fox News' slogan now. ... Here's the thing about the phrase 'fair and balanced' -- the president means it just as much as Fox does." --Jon Stewart

"But obviously the top story while we were gone had to be the war in Iraq. As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as 'moving forward through time.' ... But this spring, Congress finally asked the president for some specifics about our progress and its level of goodness. They required him to submit regular reports, and our first report card is in [on screen: Bush saying the Iraqis have made progress on eight of 18 benchmarks]. Yes! There you have it -- eight of 18. Otherwise known as a 'Gentleman's F.'" --Jon Stewart

Friday, July 27, 2007

#597

Late Night From 7/17

Part 1

"That's right, Congress is working all night. At least Senator Vitter's> wife will know where he is." --David Letterman

"At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters -- the working men and the working girls of Louisiana." --Jay Leno

"He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey gave his famous 'I'm a gay American' speech." --Jay Leno

"In other political news, John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment ... because his communications director quit." --Jay Leno

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

Saturday, July 28, 2007

#598

Late Night From 7/17

Part 2

According to the latest reports, al Qaeda is increasing efforts to sneak into the United States. And they are getting pretty serious about it. I understand now they're learning Spanish." --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush's favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president's list -- nacho spaghetti and corn dog pudding." --Conan O'Brien

I'm not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha-style politics, where a politician's private sexual behavior ... is used against him. ... But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who came to prominence in the '90s demanding President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. ... It kinda reminds me of the old saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart

Sunday, July 29, 2007

#599

Late Night From 7/18

Part 1

"Things got a little testy at about four o'clock in the morning when a fight broke out between Senator David Vitter and 89-year-old Senator Robert Byrd over the last diaper." --Jay Leno

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"Fox News is now reporting that there are people in the CIA who are working against President Bush's policy by using incompetence. So apparently, they are fighting fire with fire." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people." --Jay Leno

"Vitter's wife was by his side when he made the announcement. She called the senator her 'best friend.' Unfortunately, his best friend is someone named Thumper." --Jay Leno

Monday, July 30, 2007

#600

Late Night From 7/18

Part 2

"John McCain has a new campaign slogan, 'An Army Of One.' ... I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store." --Jay Leno

"Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever." --David Letterman

"The Republicans were saying, 'Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq.' And I'm thinking, 'Well hell, chaos would be an improvement.'" --David Letterman

"So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don't have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we're fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq" --Jon Stewart

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