Jokes of the day

401 - 500

Saturday, Jan 13, 2007

#402

Fatherly Advice

Bush 41: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time."

Sunday, Jan 14, 2007

#403

Bush's parrot

Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Monday, Jan 15, 2007

#404

Chain Letter

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Tuesday, Jan 16, 2007

#405

Bush Quotes

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up the man in your life, send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and then add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom one may be well worth keeping. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.

You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back! So let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name and address to the list below:

Laura Bush

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C

Wednesday, Jan 17, 2007

#406

Bush Quotes

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Thursday, Jan 18, 2007

#407

Science News Flash

New Element Discovered Bushcronium: heaviest element known to science.

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an Atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W".

Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, since each reorganization causes more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Friday, Jan 19, 2007

#408

Subject: New Disease

Important announcement. Some take this very seriously:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a virulent new strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced /gonna re-elect him/. Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Saturday, Jan 20, 2007

#409

Subject: Awaken to Bush

MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man's Concerns

In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.

At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, "But then I turned on the TV."

Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.

"I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, 'Saturday Night Live' is still on and that's my favorite show," he said. "Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed."

After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit "couldn't take it anymore."

Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show "The Simple Life."

"That was really the straw that broke the camel's back," he said. "I don't want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that."

Mr. Deloit's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: "Millions of other people would want the same thing."

Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."

Sunday, Jan 21, 2007

#410

Subject: 1st Class Flying

"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle.  The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy."

Monday, Jan 22, 2007

#411

Bush Library

Dear Friends and Relatives:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Dick Cheney, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you.
George W. Bush (a.k. Shrub) Monument. Committee

P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far,
Checks for all large amounts can be sent to me personally.

Tuesday, Jan 23, 2007

#412

Knows no Fear

Bush has said, concerning terrorists, he doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear', but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Wednesday, Jan 24, 2007

Illegal Aliens

President Bush said that massive deportation of illegal aliens is unrealistic. he further said you can't just move 12 million people to another country.

I think he is wrong.

Mexico did it.

Wednesday, Jan 24, 2007

#413

No Joke Today

It's time for you to offer a joke. Click the link at the bottome and send it in!

Thursday, Jan 25, 2007

#414

Religious Bush

After watching the latest pronouncement from the Oval Office, it occurred to me that President George W. Bush has become the spiritual leader of a large part of the United States -- whenever he appears in public and starts to say something, millions of Republicans begin to pray.

Friday, Jan 26, 2007

#415

Subject: Lie Detector

George W. Bush said he was sick of people accusing him of lying us into war. Today he met with a gentleman from the CIA to administer a lie detector test to settle the matter once and for all. The agent explained the test to Bush. He told him that he would ask a series of questions. He told Bush that when he told the truth the light would turn green, and if he told a lie, then the light would turn red.

After explaining that to him, the agent asked Bush if he understood, and Bush said, "Yes." The light turned red.

Saturday, Jan 27, 2007

#416

Subject: Parachutes

An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left.

The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me I can't afford to die... So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said. I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am a New York Senator and a potential future president. She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger. George W. Bush said "out of my way. I'm president of the USA. the greatest and cleverest President in American history. I'm even greater then my daddy. I have to lead the world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. Americans can't afford for me to die. So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rabbi and said. I am old and frail so I don't have many years left, As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The Rabbi turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallis bag."

Sunday, Jan 28, 2007

#417

Following Signs

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and two of their loyal supporters decided to go hunting. Air Force One (at $120,000 an hour) took them to the wilds of Wyoming where Cheney lead them to the hunting area.

After a half hour of walking the path, they came to a "Y" split in the road. "One side leads to a dead end about an hour's walk from here," said Cheney. They noticed a sign then.

It said, "Bear Left" so they went home.

Monday, Jan 29, 2007

#418

Late Night

"There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this, I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response." --David Letterman

"The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no." --Jay Leno

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Jan 30, 2007

#419

Bishop Endorsement

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:

"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'

He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."

Wednesday, Jan 31, 2007

Election Results

During the 2000 presidential election campaign, George Bush said that, if Al Gore was elected, the US would be at war, and the economy would be in ruins. Bush was right.

Gore was elected, and that's exactly what happened.

Wednesday, Jan 31, 2007

#420

Send in a joke

Don't forget to send in those jokes!

Thursday, Feb 1, 2007

#421

A Riddle

Question: How can you tell when Karl Rove is lying?

Answer:   Bush's lips move.

Friday, Feb 2, 2007

#422

Dave's Top Ten Items on Rush Limbaugh's To-Do List

10. Apologize for racist remarks by explaining he was high on illegal painkillers

9. Pat down friends and family to see who's wearing a wire

8. Announce his candidacy for governor of California

7. End pill addiction -- get back to sandwich addiction

6. Search desperately for some way to blame the Clintons

5. Make moves on soon-to-be-single Halle Berry

4. Tell Donovan McNabb derogatory remarks were part of new season of "'d"

3. Brunch with Robert Downey Jr.

2. Dinner with Trent Lott

1. Check job listings for pompous blowhard

Saturday, Feb 3, 2007

#423

Final Reward

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member.

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell the whole of the "Right" was there everyone laughing happy casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, whom he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great; it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were ampaigning; today you voted for us."

Sunday, Feb 4, 2007

#424

Late Night

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German."

Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.

"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical, and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating."

David Letterman

"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country."

Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."

Conan O'Brien

"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least, according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger."

Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."

David Letterman

"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us."

Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush is on his 29-day vacation, which is three days longer than last year. Well, can you blame him? Have you ever been to Crawford, Texas? You can't squeeze it all in in 26 days."

Jay Leno

"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas; and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish. But he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate."

David Letterman

"Some good news for the economy: President Bush went on a month-long vacation."

Jay Leno

"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet, and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic."

Jay Leno

"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?"

Jay Leno

"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured. And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'"

Jay Leno

"President Bush is leaving to go to Crawford, Texas, for a 35-day working vacation. This should go over big with all the people taking a can't-get-work vacation."

David Letterman

"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?"

David Letterman

"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together."

Bill Maher

"(President Bush) used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then he said: on a personal note, he apologizes if he did anything to lead Tony Blair on."

Bill Maher

"President Bush's economic team is now on their Jobs and Growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus."

Jay Leno

"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy.

Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats."Jay Leno

Monday, Feb 5, 2007

#425

Top 11 Things

Top 11 things overheard during Dubya's visit to Buckingham Palace.

1. "She's the Queen of England! She will not wear a name tag!"

2. "He rode in his limo from the front to the back of Buckingham Palace? No wonder he's against the Kyoto Treaty."

3. "I'm a fan of Fleetwood Mac too, sir, but Lindsey Buckingham doesn't live here."

4. "Only 200,000 people demonstrated against me? Did I do something right?"

5. "I'm sorry, Mr. President, we don't hang banners on the palace."

6. "Go on, take it. It's a campaign contribution for the Queen for inviting us to spend two nights in the Windsor Bedroom."

7. "It does look like a spitoon, but it's a Ming vase."

8. "Get some sleep, George. The Secret Service will protect you from Prince Charles."

9. "We're flattered that the President has given Camilla Parker Bowles and Queen Elizabeth nicknames, but if he's set on 'Scary Spice' and 'Old Spice', they'll reconsider wearing name tags."

10. "He wants a bearskin hat and red uniform to review the Buckingham Palace Guard?"

11. "Why don't anybody here speak English?"

Tuesday, Feb 6, 2007

#426

G. W. Bush Stamp

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President G. W. Bush to honor his achievements.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

The stamp was in perfect order.
There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
People were spitting on the wrong side.

Wednesday, Feb 7, 2007

#427

Hoof and Mouth

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.  They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.  They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire, and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.  The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "presidential", replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.  If you had not mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Thursday, Feb 8, 2007

#428

Where Osama Bin Laden Has Been Hiding

Pentagon officials now believe they have been unable to locate Osama Bin Laden because he has found a place in which to hide where:

1) it is easy to get in if you have the money;

2) no one will recognize or remember you;

3) no one will realize that you have disappeared;

4) no one keeps any records of your comings and goings; and

5) you have no obligations or responsibilities.

The analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard

Friday, Feb 9, 2007

#429

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority:

> The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton:

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr:

The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police:

We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga:

The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself.
However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav:

The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera:

The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater:

We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators:

Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps:

The chicken is dead

Saturday, Feb 10, 2007

#430

New Viruses

Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Dick Cheney Virus - Causes other computers to get viruses while protecting itself.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows.

Sunday, Feb 11, 2007

#431

POLITICAL BUSHISMS

Yes, the "President" actually said these things. From time to time we will update this page with inspirational musings from the Commander and Chief.

"Go ahead, yell it out. If I don't like the question, I'll reinvent it." August 6, 2004 (Ohio)

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

August 5, 2004 (Washington DC)

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."

October, 2003 (Washington, D.C.)

"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information - outside the administration."
September, 2003 (Chicago)

"[W]e've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch, and I've spoken out consistently against them, and I want to know who the leakers are."

September, 2003 (George W. Bush, Chicago)

"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who probably read the news themselves."

September, 2003 (Washington, D.C.)

"I'm so pleased to be able to say hello to Bill Scranton. He's one of the great Pennsylvania political families."

September, 2003 (Drexel Hill, Penn.)

"I'm a follower of American politics."

August, 2003 (Crawford, Texas)

"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."
August, 2003 (Crawford, Texas)

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."
May, 2003 (Washington, D.C.)

"I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person."

April, 2003 (Interview with Tom Brokaw, aboard Air Force One)

And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us."
January, 2003 (George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.)

"The fact that he relies on facts-says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign."

March. 2000 (New York Times)

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."
October, 2000 (In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate in Reynoldsburg, Ohio)

"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired."

September, 2000 (Westland, Michigan)

"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from."
September, 2000 (Detroit, Michigan)

"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."
September, 2000 (Scranton, Pennsylvania)

"The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming."
September, 2000 (Quote on his anti-Gore ad, New York Times)

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
August, 2000 (Des Moines, Iowa)

"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
August, 2000 (Bartlett, Tennessee)

"I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where."

August, 2000 (Associated Press)

"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."

June, 2000 (New York Times)

"He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be."

May, 2000 (Talking about Rudy Giuliani, "The Edge With Paula Zahn")

"I think we agree, the past is over."

May, 2000 (On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News)

"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know."

April, 2000 (On what happened in negotiations between the Justice Department and Elián González's Miami relatives, Associated Press)

"Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads."

March, 2000 (Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, The Washington Post)

"I mean I, there will be debates. I mean every election cycle has the debate on the debates. You know that. I want to, I have a lot of work to do and first things first. I understand exactly what has to happen. And by the way there is a couple of phases left in the campaign. One is the period between now and the conventions, very important to manage as well. There are some tasks at hand."
(U.S. News and World Report)

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
February, 2000 (Florence, South Carolina)

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."
February, 2000 (To Cokie Roberts, "This Week")

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?"
February, 2000 (Newsweek)

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some - some doctrine gets subscribed to me."
February, 2000 ("Meet The Press")

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
January, 2000 (Pella, Iowa, San Antonio Express-News)

Monday, Feb 12, 2007

#432

Difference?

Q.: What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?

A.: Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

Tuesday, Feb 13, 2007

#433

Late Night

"Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier." --Conan O'Brien

"Kerry is trying to appeal to hunters, so he got drunk and shot his buddy in the ass." --David Letterman

"Ralph Nader's latest complaint - he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they're called the American people." --Jay Leno

"On the campaign trail, the president continued what has been a theme throughout the year: John Kerry is a flip-flopper. Oh, and also consistently liberal." --Jon Stewart

"Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that 'Al Gore's just mad because God made me president.'" --Jay Leno

"If Bush has a second term, Dick Cheney could be a candidate in 2008. A lot of people forgot about that. But Cheney says he has no intention of running for president for three reasons. One: He'll be too old. Two: He's had health problems. And three: He's already been president." --Jay Leno

"But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft."  --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that after he gave a speech at the Republican Convention, his wife, Maria Shriver, was so mad, she wouldn't have sex with him for 14 days. Schwarzenegger said things got so bad he had to call up Bill O'Reilly." --Conan O'Brien

"On a Bush/Cheney billboard in New Jersey, Dick Cheney's name is spelled wrong -- an 'A' instead of an 'E'. So, apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Bill O'Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment from a female producer on his show. She claims they had phone sex and he claims, no he is just a victim of vast right hand conspiracy." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." -Bill Maher

"We still don't know what the deal is what that thing in Bush's back, but I tell you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with stem cell research." -Bill Maher, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first presidential debate

"I thought it was a pretty good debate. Both candidates got to dodge a range of issues." --David Letterman

"President Bush's approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent. You know that lump on his back? Well, it's moved to his throat." --Jay Leno

"Bad news for Ralph Nader. Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt Nader's chances of losing all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today the soldiers in Iraq said, uh, can we come home now?" --Jay Leno

"You know what's happening in Afghanistan? It's their first free election. Now this is a big thing. However they are expecting voter fraud. They're expecting disruption at the polls and intimidation of voters. So I guess the American style of democracy is really catching on over there." --David Letterman

Wednesday, Feb 14, 2007

#434

Mencken Quote

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
~ H. L. Mencken

Thursday, Feb 15, 2007

#435

A SUCCINCT AND ASTUTE ANALYSIS OF THE ELECTION

The Democrats' mistake was in thinking that a disastrous war and national bankruptcy would be of concern to the electorate.

The Republicans correctly saw that the chief concern of the electorate was to keep gay couples from having an abortion.

Friday, Feb 16, 2007

#436

Late Night

"President Bush says he's going to cut out funding for all programs that don't work. I guess that means the war in Iraq is officially over." Jay Leno

Saturday, Feb 17, 2007

#437

John Cleese's Letter to the US

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell  'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your bordersmay have noticed that no one else plays football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is  understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.... it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day

John Cleese

Sunday, Feb 18, 2007

#438

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills. At the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and leave the rest for our kids to pay, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

He is also terribly violent.

In spite of his violence he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,

Lost in DC

DEAR LOST:

Stop whining. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him 'till 2008.

Monday, Feb 19, 2007

#439

Groundhog Day Quote

Wednesday was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. One involved a meaningless ritual in which we looked to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication and the other involved a groundhog.

Tuesday, Feb 20, 2007

Indian Honor

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can not fly.

Tuesday, Feb 20, 2007

#440

Send in a joke

After watching the latest pronouncement from the Oval Office, it occurred to me that President George W. Bush has become the spiritual leader of a large part of the United States -- whenever he appears in public and starts to say something, millions of Republicans begin to pray.

Wednesday, Feb 21, 2007

#441

Road Side Injury

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert.  As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush is a rich, good-for-nothing deserter and drunk.

We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Thursday, Feb 22, 2007

#442

Jeopardy v. heavyweight champ

This week the TV show Jeopardy will pick its all time champion from among the best players of the last 20 yrs. I mentioned to some colleagues that I'd like to see President Bush take on the winner. I added that I'd rate Bush's chances about the same as mine if I squared off against the heavyweight boxing champion.

A co-worker remarked, "You're selling yourself short. You'd have the better shot."

Friday, Feb 23, 2007

#443

Outsource that job

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400K yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash.). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern.

Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the Spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."

Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

Saturday, Feb 24, 2007

#444

Bush Wins Papal Vote

Reughters - 18 April 2005 0953 GMT

VATICAN CITY - In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U.S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the next leader of the Catholic Church.

For the first time in history, the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the  next Supreme Pontiff.  Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process.

The machines, which were last used in the 2004 Ohio presidential election, also registered minus 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry.  "It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, spokesperson for voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation.  "God has spoken."

Supporters of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom early exit polls had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount.  But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible.

When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things."

However, he added that he would be "honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."

Sunday, Feb 25, 2007

#445

Scientific Test

A group of scientists decided to see how long a politician could be in the same room with a skunk.

First, Bill Clinton went into the room. He came out after 15 minutes saying, "I just can't take it any more."

Then John Kerry went in. He came out after 10 minutes saying, "I just can't take it any more."

Finally, George Bush went into the room.  The skunk came out after 5 minutes saying, "I just can't take it any more."

Monday, Feb 26, 2007

#446

Teri Shiavo Case

I couldn't understand what all the fuss was from the Bush administration, until I realized after being brain dead for fifteen years the current government felt quite sure, if she woke up, she'd vote Republican...

Tuesday, Feb 27, 2007

#447

The 23rd Sigh

Bush is my shepherd;

I dwell in want.

He maketh logs

To be cut down

In national forests.

He leadeth trucks

Into the still wilderness.

He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths

Of international disgrace

For his ego's sake

Yea, though I walk

Through the valley

Of pollution and war,

I will find no exit,

For thou art in office.

Thy tax cuts

For the rich

And thy media control,

They discomfort me.

Thou preparest

An agenda of deception

In the presence

Of thy religion.

Thou anointest my head with

Foreign oil.

My health insurance

Runneth out.

Surely megalomania and

False patriotism shall follow me

All the days of thy term,

And my jobless child

Shall dwell in my basement

Forever.

Amen

Wednesday, Feb 28, 2007

#448

Light Bulb

Q. How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A.None, because nothing is wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of lack of incandescence are simply the spin of the liberal media

Version 2

Q.How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Seven:

One to deny the light bulb needs changing.

One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs changing

One to blame Clinton for letting the bulb burn out.

One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new bulb.

One to arrange for a photo op of Bush on a ladder, with a banner saying "Change Accomplished"

One to go on Meet the Press and say that Bush ALWAYS had a strong light bulb changing policy, but the liberal media never reported it.

One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.

Thursday, Mar 1, 2007

#449

Flip-Flop King

On June 5, 1999, then candidate George Bush said, "Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is.  I think it's also important for the President to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they will be withdrawn."

On June 24, 2005, the same George Bush had this to say: "It doesn't make any sense to have a timetable.  You know, if you give a timetable, you're conceding too much to the enemy."

Friday, Mar 2, 2007

#450

Late Night

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books." --David Letterman

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"In a prime time speech last night, President Bush said that he was sending in 20,000 more troops to end the war. He wasn't talking about Iraq. He was talking about the war between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is now calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think 21,000 people in the country think it's a good idea." --Jay Leno

Saturday, Mar 3, 2007

#451

MONUMENT FOR GEORGE W. BUSH

Dear Friends:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George W in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He didn't know where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, he destroyed the well-being of the majority of the local population while he was there, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you.

George W. Bush Monument Committee

Sunday, Mar 4, 2007

#452

Late Night 2/27

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. ... At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. ... The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Today in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber blew himself up outside the main gate of the Army base where Vice President Cheney was staying. Cheney says he's fine. He's says the guy was either sent by the Taliban or by the American Bar Association in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word - 'intelligence.' .. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, Mar 5, 2007

#453

Late Night 2/26

"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. .. Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme - money and envy." --Jay Leno

"I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010" -David Letterman

"A juror in the Scooter Libby trial has been dismissed by the judge after the juror was exposed to information about the case outside of the courtroom. How did this happen? The news channels talk about nothing but Anna Nicole and Britney Spears for the last two weeks. What channel is this guy watching? I'd love to have some information." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, Mar 6, 2007

#454

Late Night 2/23

"It is Oscar weekend. ... Among Best Picture nominees is 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, 'the feel-good comedy of the year.'" --Bill Maher

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems." --David Letterman

"Monday was Presidents' Day, and as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents." --Amy Poehler

Wednesday, Mar 7, 2007

#455

Late Night 3/1

"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno

"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to vacation. No men will be allowed. ... Which of course leads to the philosophical question: If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?" -Jay Leno

"According to the Taliban, Osama bin Laden is alive. But they said if he dies, he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas." --Jay Leno

Thursday, Mar 8, 2007

#456

Late Night 2/28

"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. ... Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, it dropped 416 points yesterday. But enough about President Bush's approval rating." --Jay Leno, on the Dow

"Last night on Fox, huge premiere of its new show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.' Or, as President Bush calls it, 'Jeopardy'" --Jay Leno

Friday, Mar 9, 2007

#457

Late Night 3/2

"Afghanistan reported a record opium crop. I think that explains why Dick Cheney came back from his trip saying, 'Hey, they greeted us with flowers. And they blew my mind'." --Bill Maher

"The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher

"Speaking of vicious, we are 10 months away from anyone even casting the first vote in the presidential election, but already the mud is flying. Did you hear the latest about Barack Obama? He comes from a family of slave owners. He's black, but he's half white. Apparently, on his mother's side, which is the white side, they owned slaves. The Barack Obama camp is going to deny it, but his approval ratings in the South shot up 27 points." --Bill Maher

Saturday, Mar 10, 2007

#458

Late Night 3/2,

Part 2

"They're going after Al Gore, and he's not even in the race yet. He won an Oscar Sunday and not even a day goes by when they bust him because ... his house in Tennessee uses 20 times the electricity than the average house in Tennessee. But that's because Gore's house has electricity" --Bill Maher

"Now, for the first time in 200 years, guess what's back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. It's a bad infestation of beavers. It's so bad, they are thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney" --David Letterman

"In an announcement in South Carolina, Joe Biden, who is running for president, says he plans now to speak at more places, but to smaller crowds. Oh yeah, like it's his choice." --Jay Leno

Sunday, Mar 11, 2007

#459

Late Night 3/5

"Why aren't we hearing the other side of this issue? Yes, there is tons of black mold growing in the walls where we house our wounded soldiers. But nobody mentions, mold can be used to make cheese ... and penicillin. You might say Walter Reed's walls are dripping with medicine." --Jon Stewart

"The president has said no one supports the troops more than him. So, if you take him at his word -- and I see no reason not to -- anyone leaving the army is necessarily going into a less supportive environment, and that can't be an easy transition. ... [These shoddy conditions] are a halfway house, so that soldiers can get accustomed to their terrifying, new Bushless world. You just can't throw them back to their family and friends, where God knows what will happen to them. You need to ease them into it with six months to a year of squalid aftercare in some type of bureaucratic limbo" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"Those brave Americans who put themselves in harm's way. ... I'm talking, of course, about the members of Congress who toured Walter Reed last week. Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval. These folks have been fighting to improve the conditions for our wounded soldiers ever since the very beginning of two weeks ago. It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article, so let me put this into perspective for you: They can't just look out their window to see what's happening at Walter Reed. No, they have to get into a car. Walter Reed hospital is more than six miles from the Capitol. .. Getting to Walter Reed from the Capitol is a march through hell, that evidently takes more than four years to make" --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Mar 12, 2007

#460

Late Night 2/26

Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. ... Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Leno

"A juror in the Scooter Libby trial has been dismissed by the judge after the juror was exposed to information about the case outside of the courtroom. How did this happen? The news channels talk about nothing but Anna Nicole and Britney Spears for the last two weeks. What channel is this guy watching? I'd love to have some information." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. government has hired several psychics to help find Osama bin Laden. So far the psychics haven't been able to locate bin Laden, but they do predict soon he'll find true love." --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Mar 13, 2007

#461

Late Night 2/23

"It is Oscar weekend. ... Among Best Picture nominees is 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, 'the feel-good comedy of the year.'" --Bill Maher

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems." --David Letterman

"Monday was Presidents' Day, and as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents." --Amy Poehler

Wednesday, Mar 14, 2007

#462

Late Night 3/8

Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea of how popular he is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony ... to get rid of the bad spirits. ... And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher

Thursday, Mar 15, 2007

#463

Late Night 3/8,

Part 2

"There's a bipartisan commission now who's looking into what's going on at Walter Reed. They're about to make recommendations about the conditions there. The conditions? It's a Taco Bell franchise. There's mold and rats. Recommendations? How about a bucket and mop?" --Bill Maher

"The Boston Globe is saying that Barack Obama owes $375 in parking tickets from when he was a student in the '80s at Harvard. And because he's running for president, he's going to pay them. All right, is he black enough for ya now?" --Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich today came out ... and said that while he was leading the charge to impeach Clinton for having an extra-marital affair, he had an extra-marital affair. This, to me, is unbelievable. Somebody f**ked Newt Gingrich?" --Bill Maher

Friday, Mar 16, 2007

#464

Late Night 3/8

"Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart

"The White House feels very strongly this is yet another case of activist jurors destroying the lives of the disabled. These $5-a-day zealots were determined to put a man in jail just because a few details slipped his feeble mind." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"This whole scandal came to light when Robert Novak became the first person to publish details outing the CIA operative. And it really would be a shame if amidst all the legal wrangling and the heated words about this case we lost sight of the one essential truth that I think all parties can agree on: Bob Novak is a HUGE douche bag." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, Mar 17, 2007

#465

Late Night 3/6

"As Congress continued hearing details of the substandard treatment of Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed hospital, President Bush spoke before the American Legion, naturally appreciating the depth of war veterans' anger, the gravity of the situation [on screen: Bush saying, 'If you're here my advice is behave yourself. What happens in Washington stays in Washington']" --Jon Stewart

"In the Valerie Plame case, Scooter Libby was found not guilty ... on one of the five charges. ... But the media is instead focusing, of course, on the four counts of perjury, lying to the FBI and obstruction of justice for which Libby was convicted. It's typical. They always see the glass as 80% guilty." --Stephen Colbert

Sunday, Mar 18, 2007

#466

Late Night 3/12

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has admitted that he was having an extramarital affair back in 1998, at the same time he was the leading critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky. But Newt says you can't compare the two affairs because his woman was really hot." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

"You see all those people protesting while President Bush was in South America? Bush hasn't heard that many people shouting 'Gringo go home' since his last trip to L.A." --Jay Leno

"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno

Monday, Mar 19, 2007

#467

Late Night 3/12

"In a speech in South Carolina, presidential candidate Joe Biden says he has a plan for Iraq, he can solve the problem and it's time to make a change. And then the kid at the counter said, 'Uh mister, do you want ries with this?'" --Jay Leno

"Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel -- he's a Republican -- called a press conference to announce he'll be making a decision about running for president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference to say maybe later in the year he's going to say something important. This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs." --Jay Leno

"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

"Beautiful, beautiful day in New York City. ... It was so nice that Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park." --David Letterman

Tuesday, Mar 20, 2007

#468

Late Night 1/12

"President Bush visited a Mayan temple this weekend in Guatemala, and afterwards ... Mayan leaders performed a cleansing ceremony to clear Bush's bad energy. ... When he heard this, Bush got upset and said, 'Oh yeah? He who smelt it, dealt it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After visiting Guatemala, Bush flew to Mexico. There was an awkward moment when Bush greeted the Mexicans by saying, 'Hello future Californians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. And today, Israel announced he is their new ambassador to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"Apparently, while Newt [Gingrich] was leading the Clinton impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he himself was having an extramarital affair. ... Now there's a huge cry from the left about Newt's so-called hypocrisy, but the former Speaker explains how that is actually a positive [on screen: Gingrich saying, 'I drew the line in my mind that said even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, I have no choice but to move forward']. You see, it's very easy to condemn another man's dalliances when you're faithful to your own wife. But to be a hypocrite and still do it, that takes courage. ... So Newt, if you are running for president, you have my blessing ... because I still won't vote for a Mormon, and you're the best adulterer we've got." --Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, Mar 21, 2007

#469

Late Night 3/13

"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"This just in: Alberto Gonzales has announced he's going to move the Justice Department to Dubai." --Jay Leno

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is coming under scrutiny for firing eight U.S. attorneys, apparently for political reasons at the request of the White House. Things are looking so bad for Gonzales that he might have to shave his head and enter rehab." --Jay Leno

Thursday, Mar 22, 2007

#470

Late Night 3/13

"If you want to get rid of an attorney, you don't use Gonzales, you bring in Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Huge controversy at the Pentagon. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has publicly stated that homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. Homosexual acts and whoring around are immoral? He just offended every member of Congress right there." --Jay Leno

"While in Latin America, President Bush visited the ancient Mayan ruins. He then invited their officials to come visit our ruins -- the Walter Reed Medical Center." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Mexico today and he met with Mexican President Calderon to talk about immigration issues. Unfortunately, things were cut short when during the meeting, President Calderon immigrated to California." --Conan O'Brien

Friday, Mar 23, 2007

#471

Saturday, Mar 24, 2007

#472

Late Night 3/13

"While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'We will get the evil-doers who did this.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Osama bin Laden had a birthday. ... The guy's still out running around and having birthday parties. It was a big weekend. They went to the Tora Bora Hooters. ... In addition to his birthday, he had to turn his clocks forward to the 2nd century." --David Letterman

"A Taliban commander was caught and was disguised as a woman. ... He faces up to 25 years in prison or a year on 'The View.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush is in Mexico. It's nice that we still have a president who goes on Spring Break. ... It's all part of his program 'No Margarita Left Behind'" --David Letterman

Sunday, Mar 25, 2007

#473

Late Night 3/14

"President Bush is safely back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened up his eyes. He said, 'We thought we had a lot of illegal immigrants here, they're all over the place down there.'" --Jay Leno

"An Iraqi immigrant caused a big scare at the Los Angeles airport the other day, after he told the screeners he had a stone, a piece of metal and a bunch of wires inside his rectum. He said he did this to relieve stress. I'm no health expert, but wouldn't having all those things up there make you more stressful. I don't think this guy understand the concept of carry-on items." --Jay Leno

"Everybody is caught up in St. Patrick's Day. Here's exactly what I'm talking about: Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun in the face. ... Scooter Libby, by the way, is already wearing a button that reads 'Pardon me, I'm Irish.'" --David Letterman

"The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff recently upset gay activists because he said, 'a homosexual act between two individuals is immoral.' Then the chairman added, 'Unless it's two chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Chicago Tribune, Senator Obama's great-great-great-great-grandfather and great-great-great-great-grandmother may have owned slaves. It's damage control time. I believe the only way for Barack Obama to get in front of this story is to do the right thing -- the thing so many black leaders are unwilling to do -- apologize for slavery." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, Mar 26, 2007

#474

Late Night 3/15

"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, anti-American sentiment is running high in Mexico. Half of Mexico's population say they have a negative view of the United States and the other half are already here." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda's number three man mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind September 11th and said he planned 29 other attacks, including plotting to kill Bill Clinton. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'You too?'" --Jay Leno

"The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'" --Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, Mar 27, 2007

#475

Late Night 3/16

The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers ... and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. ... Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-E-Sketch." --Bill Maher

"Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was admitted to a Washington hospital yesterday for a heart procedure. They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon." --Bill Maher

"At the White House, President Bush celebrated St. Patrick's Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. President Bush saluted Sandra Day O'Connor, Tip O'Neill and Barack O'bama." --Conan O'Brien

We've had unseasonably warm weather here in Los Angeles. I was sweating like Newt Gingrich watching 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

Wednesday, Mar 28, 2007

#476

Late Night 3/17

The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno

"Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the top 9/11 suspect, has claimed he is responsible for the first bombing of the World Trade Center, the shoe-bombing attempt on the airplane. ... This guy is confessing to everything. A lot of people now are doubting him. Want to hear his latest claim? He says he is solely responsible for NBC's fall schedule. It does look like the work of terrorists." --Jay Leno

"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers

"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler

Thursday, Mar 29, 2007

#477

Late Night 3/19

"This weekend was the fourth anniversary of the beginning of the Iraqi war. ... A lot of anti-war protests and the Bush administration said they were surprised by the number of protests. And I was thinking, 'You know what? I'm not surprised they were surprised'" --David Letterman

"Today is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'See, and people said it would never last.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to some new recently declassified documents, Iraq pretended to have weapons of mass destruction to prevent themselves from being attacked. Well, that plan worked well." --Jay Leno

"Khalid Shaikh Mohammed ... confessed to being the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. He also said he planned 29 other attacks. Because of this, they said he could lose his New York City taxi cab driver license." --Jay Leno

Friday, Mar 30, 2007

#478

Late Night 3/20

According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC, is illiterate. To give you an idea of how bad it is, Alberto Gonzales can't even read the writing on the wall." --Jay Leno

"President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics." --Jay Leno

"President Bush even called Alberto Gonzales to offer his support. Given how popular the president is, Gonzales said, 'Uh, no thanks.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital today. Apparently, Cheney was having pains in his leg. On the way to the hospital, he had tightness in his chest, shortness of breath and profuse sweating. But when they told him he wasn't going to Walter Reed, it all went away." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case in which a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing the banner that said 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' outside of school. The school got mad and the argument is about whether or not the student's right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed" --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, Mar 31, 2007

#479

Late Night 3/21

"After Congress subpoenaed presidential adviser Karl Rove, President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, 'I'm all for him talking as long as he doesn't have to tell the truth.'" --Conan O'Brien

"With the fired lawyers controversy here in the United States showing no signs of abating, President Bush gave an impromptu press conference in the White House's Diplomatic Reception Room. Presumably because the Petulant Tantrum Room was booked." --Jon Stewart

"It's a major concession from the president's initial offer to Congress, which was that they go f**k themselves." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Bush offering Congress private interviews with White House aides

"The White House is adamant that its advisers retain the right, if they so choose, to lie ... without consequence. It's executive privilege. ... If Karl Rove knew he'd one day be forced to testify under oath about the advice he gave the president, he'd have to limit that advice to things that weren't shameful, illegal, or spectacularly bone-headed" --John Oliver

"The Democrats are trying to turn these firings of U.S. attorneys into a partisan issue, but the president is above bickering. In fact, he made a generous peace offering. Karl Rove and Harriet Miers would submit to private interviews, but 'they would not take oaths nor would a transcript be made available.' See, the president is just trying to save this country from another painful perjury trial." --Stephen Colbert

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital because of discomfort in one of his legs. Apparently, he hurt it while jumping for joy when he saw how high gas prices were." --Jay Leno

Sunday, April 1, 2007

#480

Late Night 3/22

"Yesterday on the 'Today' show, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't care what Rush Limbaugh says because Rush Limbaugh is irrelevant. Arnold started pronouncing 'irrelevant' during the 'Today' show, and finished pronouncing it during the 'Nightly News.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years." --Jay Leno, on the U.S. attorney firing scandal

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his new plan. ... The audience will now be able to call up and vote for which U.S. attorneys they think should be eliminated."

"Indicted Republican congressman Tom DeLay, who was forced to resign last year, sys in his new book that he used to cheat on his wife all the time and get drunk. He said that 20 years ago he was a self-centered a 'self-centered jerk.' That's all changed now. Now he's just a disgraced politician. Huge improvement." -Jay Leno

"He said that in the future our energy sources will work similar to how the Internet works today. Really? So our cars would run on porn?" --Jay Leno

"A bill was debated in the House of Representatives today called the DC Voting Rights Act. It would finally give DC's residents a vote in Congress. I don't know why. They live in Washington. If they want their voices heard, just open a window and yell." --Stephen Colbert

Monday, April 2, 2007

#481

Late Night 3/23

"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. ... We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

#482

Late Night 3/24

"You can tell it's Spring. Laura Bush's smile is beginning to thaw." --Bill Maher

"I love the springtime. It's a time of renewal when the old U.S. attorneys are plowed under ... and the new ones are beginning to sprout. It's a time when Rudy Giuliani picks out his Easter dress." --Bill Maher

"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama's great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama's support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain spent the day campaigning in Newark, New Jersey. Afterwards, McCain said, 'Oh my God, and I thought Vietnam was bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today that the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song that they both haven't used before." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege according to his lawyer ... Alberto Gonzales" --Jay Leno

"This week Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue said he was skeptical about having his state apologize for its role in slavery, saying, 'Repentance comes from the heart. And when I looked deep in my heart, I realized I could really use some slaves'" --Seth Meyers

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

#483

Late Night 3/26

"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno

"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno

"When DeLay was cheating and having sex with all these women, that's when he earned the nickname 'Five-second DeLay.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno

"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert

Thursday, April 5, 2007

#484

Late Night 3/27

"In an interview, Rudy Giuliani's wife admitted that Rudy Giuliani is not her second husband. Actually, he's her third husband. She forgot about her first. But Rudy understands. When they started dating, he forgot he had a wife too." --Jay Leno

">Homeland Security announced that there are 600,000 fugitives unaccounted for in America. And those are just the ones in the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

"An aide to the newly elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb of Virginia was arrested for trying to bring the senator's gun into the Senate office building. Webb said he needed the gun for protection. Apparently, he had an afternoon meeting with Vice President Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Let's begin in Washington, where I am pleased to say that after just a few scant months in power, congressional Democrats have made great strides in their efforts to lose the war in Iraq. Last Friday, the House put yet another cherry on its treason sundae by narrowly passing a war spending bill calling for the end of combat operations by next September. A plan Republicans immediately denounced as an admission of failure, opposed to their plan, which is failure without admission." --Jon Stewart

Friday, April 6, 2007

#485

Late Night 3/28-29

"McDonald's has a new hamburger out. The one-third of a pound hamburger. ... I'm not saying it will clog your arteries, but they're calling it the McCheney." --Jay Leno

"During an appearance before the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, or MOOBLA, President Bush denounced setting a specific date for withdrawal [on screen: Bush saying, 'If the House bill becomes law, our enemies in Iraq will simply have to mark their calendars']. It's not quite that simple, Mr. President. Remember they're on the Islamic calendar. ... By contrast, the president is saying our commitment is more open-ended [on screen: Bush saying, 'Iraq's leaders know that our commitment is not open-ended']. So we can't set a deadline, but our commitment is not open-ended? Basically, what he's saying is we are definitely leaving Iraq sometime between now and ... the end of time. Wait, not the end of time. I don't want to give a date." --Jon Stewart

"So Congress and the White House headed for a standoff. Neither side willing to give an inch. What's an occupying country to do? Democratic Senator Mark Pryor has the answer, proposing that we pick a withdrawal date but keep it a secret. That way, when we withdraw, the enemy will just be confused." --Jon Stewart

"I wonder if I could do something like that. ... Chuck, can you give me a beat? [music starts]. From the West Wing to the Crawford Ranch, Karl Rove has destroyed the executive branch. He has no scruples and I don't mean maybe. He said John McCain had a secret black baby. F**k that guy." --Jon Stewart

"Did you watch 'American Idol' last night? Sanjaya is still on. How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He's like the George Bush of 'American Idol.'" --Jay Leno

Saturday, April 7, 2007

#486

Late Night 3/30

Part 1

"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher

"Some people still love him. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bulls**t." --Bill Maher

"The president also had a moving ceremony this week for the Tuskegee airmen, the all black aviation squadron from World War II. A lot of these guys in their late 80s now. They were given gold medals, they were thanked, they were honored, and then the were re-activated and sent to." --Bill Maher

"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher

Sunday, April 8, 2007

#487

Late Night 3/30

Part 2

"None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher

"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher

"In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama." --Bill Maher

"There's a big scandal going on with ... 'American Idol.' Sanjaya is apparently being kept on the show because there's a web site called votefortheworst.com, which urges the voters to vote for the worst possible choice. Bush heard about it and said, 'Hey, it worked for me.'" --Bill Maher

"Welcome to the show. My name is Dave Letterman. I'm the ex-husband Judi Giuliani doesn't talk about." --David Letterman

Monday, April 9, 2007

#488

Late Night 3/30

Part 3

"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman

"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Or, as they call it in Washington, Presidents' Day." --Jay Leno

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

#489

Late Night 4/2

"Reverend Al Sharpton announced yesterday he is not running for president. In a related story, nobody asked." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is running for president. ... She's set a fundraising record; she's already raised $26 million. That's a lot of money. To put that in perspective, that is more money than President Bush lost in all the years he was a businessman." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Circuit City has announced it is laying off 4,300 workers. You know whose decision it was to fire these people? Attorney General Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno

"Baseball season has officially started. For the second year in a row, President Bush did not throw out the first pitch. You know why? The rumor is he was worried about being booed. That never stopped the Kansas City Royals" --Jay Leno

"Iran is currently holding 15 British sailors hostage. The United Nations has told Iran the world is united against them. So now the Iranians knows how we feel." --Jay Leno

"In Nevada, as part of a training exercise, firefighters burned down the famous brothel, the Mustang Ranch. The sad news? Two congressmen were still inside." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

#490

Late Night 4/3

"A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced -- some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy." --Jay Leno

"Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he's raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he's raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's raised two children." --Conan O'Brien

"During a press conference today, President Bush was asked if he knew the current price of a gallon of gasoline. And Bush's answer was within a few pennies. He did well, which isn't surprising, because Bush spends most of the day watching the 'Price is Right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Police in Connecticut arrested a man for speeding who identified himself as Vice President Dick Cheney. They took the guy to the hospital. Obviously, this guy has mental problems. I mean, these days, what sane person would try to pass themselves off as Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

Thursday, April 12, 2007

#491

Late Night 4/4

Part 1

Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-A-Nut-Job ... released those 15 British captives. ... He released them after they were held hostage for 13 days. Or, as we call it in this country, JetBlue." --Jay Leno

"Iran was worried that if they didn't act soon, then Nancy Pelosi would go over and talk to them too." --Jay Leno

"Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican." --Jay Leno

Friday, April 13, 2007

#492

Late Night 4/4

Part 2

Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is lashing out at the press, asking the press to lay off his wife. The press responded today. They said, 'Okay. Which one?'" --Jay Leno

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which George told Laura, 'See!'" --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I've got some good news. ... Earlier today, the president of Iran announced he's going to free the 15 British hostages as an Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he's going to throw in a case of marshmallow peeps." --Conan O'Brien

Saturday, April 14, 2007

#493

Late Night 4/5

Part 1

"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Romney ... was saying he is a 'lifelong hunter.' Turns out he's hunted exactly twice ... in his whole life. Dick Cheney has hunted lawyers more times!" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno

Sunday, April 15, 2007

#494

Late Night 4/5

Part 2

Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 16, 2007

#495

Late Night 4/6

"The annual Easter egg hunt at the White House is going to be a little different this year. Instead of eggs they're going to be hiding Alberto Gonzales' emails." -Jay Leno

"San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom in hot water again for simulating oral sex with a reporter's microphone, or as they call that in San Francisco, pandering to the voters." -Jay Leno

"A presidential candidate in France said his plan for birth control would be to encourage people to masturbate. Which explains why no one wants to go into the voting booth after he's done." -Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

#496

Late Night 4/9

Part 1

"Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm." --Jay Leno

"Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson has announced he is running for president of the United States. Experts are saying this announcement could have absolutely no affect on the race whatsoever." -Jay Leno

"Radio personality Don Imus is in trouble after making racially insulting remarks about the Rutgers University's basketball team. Today he went on Al Sharpton's radio show to beg for forgiveness. Of course, no one can believe this -- Al Sharpton has a radio show?" -Jay Leno

"The Republicans issued a statement today demanding that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi get back to work. President Bush would have made the statement himself, but he's still on vacation." -Jay Leno

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

#497

Late Night 4/9

"A consumer watchdog group says there should be a box to check on your ballot if you want a dollar of your taxes to fight crime instead of going to presidential candidates. Which I think is a great idea. I mean, every time you take a buck away from a politician, you're fighting crime right there." -Jay Leno

"Down in Washington, D.C., is the big annual Easter egg hunt they have on the White House lawn. No surprise here -- the $187 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton. The kids are all running around hunting for the Easter eggs. And periodically, they'll pick up some of Cheney's shell casings. The kids did a tremendous job. The kids found hundreds and hundreds of eggs. And I'm thinking, 'Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden'." -David Letterman

"It makes you realize what a helacious s**thole Indiana must be." -- Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

#498

Late Night 4/10

"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called himself a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years of President Jethro?" --Jay Leno

"I'm going to talk about these 15 British soldiers captured, tagged and then released by Iran. ... Some in England aren't giving these sailors a hero's welcome. Apparently, playing ping pong in captivity doesn't qualify as keeping a stiff upper lip. ... Sailor Arthur Bachelor reportedly 'cried himself to sleep after one guard kept flicking my neck with his index finger and thumb.' Ohh, his index finger and thumb? God help us if Iran ever develops the wet willy." --Stephen Colbert

"The White House had its annual Easter Egg Roll and there were several cartoon characters there, including Clifford the Big Red Dog, Bugs Bunny, and Charlie Brown. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'Finally, a summit meeting I enjoyed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"On 'American Idol' ... Sanjaya sang in Spanish tonight. I guess this is part of President Bush's plan to drive out the illegal aliens." -Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, April 20, 2007

#499

Late Night 4/11

Part 1

"Earlier today, Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal -- the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. ... How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] ... Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose." --Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani ... now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, 'Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor ... when the world was attacked ... on 9/11?'" --Jon Stewart

"Can anyone else rescue this party? Mitt Romney saying he's pro-life and a lifelong hunter. You had me at you're a pro-life hunter. Mitt Romney ... is a perfect GOP candidate. Uh, except for this [on screen: Romney saying he believes abortion should be legal]. All rright, well, you're pro-life ... now. As for the big time hunting, it's now been revealed that he's never purchased a hunting license and he's only been twice." --Jon Stewart

"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno

Saturday, April 21, 2007

#500

Late Night 4/11

Part 2

All of the major Democratic presidential candidates have now pulled out of a presidential debate sponsored by Fox News, because they feel Fox News is biased. Today, Fox denied the claim and said, 'Well, Republicans are going to win anyway.'" --Jay Leno

"The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called 'the president of the United States.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Just days after her controversial trip to Syria, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she's considering taking another controversial trip -- this time to Iran. Even worse, when Pelosi gets back, she's going fishing with Don Imus."--Conan O'Brien

"A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story ... that turned out to be plagiarized from the Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of the Wall Street Journal" --Conan O'Brien

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